#but it makes me sad when my account is all dead and empty

[caninuscananeus]

[fluentmoviequoter]

No Dreams in the Wasteland

Pairing: Jim Street x fem!reader

Summary: Years after Jim left Long Beach, he calls you from Los Angeles, and you do everything you can to get back to him.

Warnings: r and Jim were friends in Long Beach, angst to fluff, song lyrics are italicized

Word Count: 3.2k+ words

A/N: Jim Street owns this album in my mind. After months in my drafts, I hope you enjoy!🤍

“Hey, it’s Street – uh, Jim Street. You probably know that. Or maybe you don’t remember me, I don’t know, I shouldn’t just assume… This isn’t- I’m just going to start over. This is Jim Street. I’ve been thinking about you recently; longer than that, really. I’m living in Los Angeles now; I have a great job and amazing friends. I think I’m finally figuring out this adulting, life thing if you can believe it. I- I’d love to see you, so if you’re ever in LA, give me a call.”

You listen to the voicemail until you have it memorized. Jim Street was an important part of your life, and you loved him before you truly understood what love was. Hearing from him after all this time makes you realize that something needs to change. The nights after Jim left Long Beach were filled with dreams of him, but as life moved on and he did too, you stopped dreaming altogether. Street took a part of you with him when he left, and a surprise voicemail offers a chance to get it, and him, back.

The train ticket clutched in your hand emptied your savings account. Life was never going to be easy, but the decision to spend your last dime on a one-way train ride to find Jim Street again was. You couldn’t sleep during the night leading up to your departure, but when you sit down on the train platform to wait, you close your eyes to think of Jim and how amazing your reunion will be.

A train whistle blowing and wheels turning pull you from your dreamless sleep. Leaving your bag, you run toward the train and raise your ticket over your head. While you rush after it, begging the conductor to stop, memories of Jim run through your head.

It’s over, though, because if you miss the train, no, it ain’t gonna wait for you. Your ticket is nonrefundable, nontransferable, and now it’s nothing more than a useless piece of paper that symbolizes how trapped you are. In a life with no money, you are stuck with no hope and no chance of seeing Street any time soon. Even worse, you realize as you walk out of the station with nothing but your ticket, you can’t even dream of a better life with him because there are no dreams in the wasteland.

The following morning, with no phone, wallet, or future, you set out to find a job. If you can’t visit Street, or even listen to his voicemail again, you’ll have to work until you can. There’s a letter from a debt collector in your mail as you leaf through rejection letters regarding job applications you submitted previously. Falling back in your chair, you sigh and look around your dismal apartment. There’s a piece of paper beside you, and you decide to write a few goals. In high school, you and Jim wrote a list of things you wanted to do in life. It seems like he's working steadily down his list, while you’re stalled somewhere between “graduate” and “get a job I love.” The paper is quickly covered in your goals, and you pin it to the back of your door so you can see it every morning. Three goals will get you back to Jim, and you will do everything it takes to: save all your money, pay off all your debts, and always be afraid of all the failures and regrets. The second part is more of a reminder, but you refuse to get comfortable in your sad excuse of a life without Jim Street again. He’s the prize on the other side of this wasteland, and even if you only get a moment with him, it’s worth everything you risk.

Within a week of the disaster at the train station, you have two full-time jobs, a few hours to sleep each night, the cheapest flip phone you could find, and a growing bank account. Living with your goals and Jim Street in mind, you buy only what you need, and the lack of free time makes it easy to avoid spending money.

On your first day off, after a month of working nonstop, you clean your apartment. There’s a large pile of things you don’t use, and you use your laptop to find a second-hand store that will buy them. It won’t get you much money, but a few dollars in your pocket is the equivalent of a few miles closer to Jim. Los Angeles isn’t far, but there are things in Long Beach that you have to deal with before you leave. Granted, you’re unsure if Jim even wants to see you now. You’re done living without him, you decide as you gather the items to sell, and even if the world’s on fire and you’re dancin’ with the dead, you will find Jim Street again.

As you wait for the employees to examine and price your items, you wait at the counter and open your flip phone. Jim likely doesn’t have your new number, but the fact that he found your previous number makes you hope he’ll reach out again. You didn’t call back either, though.

Someone says your name as the bell over the door chimes. You turn and see a former classmate; a girl who knew you when Jim was still around.

“Jess,” you greet. “Hi.”

“I didn’t know you shopped here!” she says as she pulls you into a hug.

“Oh, I don’t. Just selling a few things.”

“We ladies can always use a little extra spending money, right?”

Jessica laughs and you wonder why she’s talking to you. There’s no reason for her to remember you, let alone be willing to strike up the first conversation you’ve ever had.

“So, did you and Jim ever tie the knot?” she asks. “I always wanted a chance with him, but ya know, girl code. You were so close I’d never do that.”

“Um.”

She grabs your left hand and frowns dramatically. “You didn’t? Or you did? Babe, I’m so sorry, either way. But…”

You prepare yourself for her to ask for his number or to blame you somehow. Everyone’s a stranger, but they’re actin’ like my friends to get what they want, you think. Long Beach has been empty for you since Jim left, and your lonely life is only invaded when someone needs something or thinks you can get them to Jim.

The first employee you spoke to returns, and you cheer internally as you excuse yourself from Jessica. She nods and pats your hand before turning to look at shoes.

“Friend of yours?” the employee asks with a knowing look.

“Something like that,” you reply. “Do you have good news for me?”

“I do actually. Some of this is from designer brands that have been retired; are you sure you want to part with them?”

“Designer?” you repeat. “I don’t have designer clothes.”

“Oh, these have been out of circulation for decades. You’d be surprised how many are handed down or found in thrift shops. Regardless of how you got them, our final offer is $5,000 for all of it. And if you have more, we’re prepared to pay the same rate.”

“Five thou- what are the brands? I can look and see if I have more.”

“I’ll take that as you accept?” the employee interjects with a smile.

“Yes, yes, I accept. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I need this.”

She winks as she passes you an envelope and a piece of paper with several brand names written on it. You gratefully accept them and place them in the safest zipper in your purse before turning toward the door. Jessica calls out and your shoulders drop as you smile and walk to her side.

“You make good money?” she asks.

“More than I expected,” you answer. “Have a good one, Jessica.”

“No, babe, wait. We should go shopping tomorrow and you can tell me all about Jim!”

“I’ve got to work tomorrow, so maybe next time,” you lie before rushing out of the store.

You will sell all of your clothes if you’re going to get this much money for them. Having two streams of steady income has made a sizeable dent in your debt and rebuilt your savings account, but $5,000 will get you within inches of selling your apartment and buying another one-way train ticket. You won’t fall asleep this time, and you won’t miss the train for any reason, because you’re done expecting people and things to wait for you. This may be the wasteland, but you’re learning that you deserve more, and you can do the work to get there.

After you rip apart your closet again and fail to find more formerly designer clothes, you sit back. The fears, doubts, and insecurities in your head come and go, but you can drown them out in a moment. You close your eyes, and the voicemail from Street plays in your mind and you forget all the voices in your head. Thinking of a man from your past, the man you wanted to be your future, is the secret to forgetting them and remembering who you are.

Several weeks after Street left the voicemail, Luca has grown to anticipate the first words out of his mouth when he returns from late-night motorcycle rides.

“Any messages for me?” Street asks.

Luca shakes his head and says, “Nah, man. I’m sorry.”

Street runs his fingers through his hair and looks longingly at the phone as he sits. “I think it’s time for me to move on, Luca.”

“Dude, you can’t give up on her! Clearly, she means a lot to you; I mean, c’mon, you have dreams about her!”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have confided that,” Street murmurs. “She’s not going to call back, Luca. It’s never going to happen.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Weeks without an answer typically means there isn’t one coming.”

“You can’t pick who you fall for, Street. Or who you dream about.”

Street stands and slaps his hands against his thighs as he says, “Then I guess it’s time for me to find another dream.”

The refund in your bank account makes you groan. There are more than enough funds to cover the weekly payment to your debt repayment company. You find the number and wait to speak to a representative as you look around your empty apartment. Everything you have left, all that you care about, can fit in a single suitcase, and you’re ready for the moment that you fill the case and leave this part of your life behind.

“I just looked at your account, ma’am, and there is no outstanding balance. The refund was the difference of your payment,” the representative explains. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Are you saying I don’t owe any more money?” you ask incredulously.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Um, yes, one more thing, please. Can you check all of my accounts?”

“I did. They are all at a balance of $0. You have paid off all debts with our company.”

“Thank you!” you cheer before hanging up.

You look at everything even remotely related to your money several times before grabbing a marker and approaching your door. You draw a line through save all your money and pay off all your debts. With an excited smile, you rip the paper down and lay it at the bottom of your suitcase. Once all of your belongings are in the suitcase, you grab your favorite book from the shelf. A picture of you and Street in high school falls out, and you look at it before placing it in your pocket.

After a stop to inform your landlord that you will not be renewing your lease next month and he can sell what remains in your apartment, you arrive at the train station.

“I need a one-way ticket to Los Angeles,” you say as you approach the ticket booth.

“No trains to Los Angeles ‘til tomorrow morning. 9:30 a.m.,” he replies.

“I’ll take it.”

You accept the ticket and sit with your legs over your suitcase. Trains come and go, and you look at the picture of you and Street: a couple kids in the heart of America. Hours pass, and as the sun sets, you know you won’t be able to sleep. You’ll wait forever at the station to go home to Jim Street.

When you step off the train in sunny Los Angeles, you’re suddenly reminded that you don’t know where to go from here. Phone books are a thing of the past, and you’re sure an internet search would be more of a wild-goose chase than anything. Despite this lack of direction, you smile and exit the station in search of a hotel. Once there, you Google Jim’s name and are surprised to see it in several news reports.

“Jim Street of LAPD S.W.A.T. did not comment…” you read quietly. “He did it.”

“I understand that I can’t see him, but could you tell him I’m here? He called me and I couldn’t call him back,” you explain. “Please just tell him?”

“I’ll see what I can do,” the disinterested officer says before turning back to his computer.

You sit in the L.A.P.D. lobby and run your finger over the edge of the picture.

“Officer Luca,” the officer you talked to calls.

You glance up but quickly return your eyes to the photo. It’s your only comfort: the picture and knowing that the man in it is somewhere in the same city.

“Excuse me,” a man says as he steps beside you. “I’m Officer Luca, can you come with me for a moment?”

“Sure, officer,” you answer.

He smiles at something as you slide with photo into your bag. You follow him wordlessly as you wonder if Jim is somewhere in these halls. Officer Luca leads you through the station before stopping suddenly.

“26-David!” he yells.

You follow Officer Luca’s line of sight and watch as Jim Street turns around. He looks at Luca with his brows furrowed before his eyes slide to you. You smile and wave shyly as Street walks toward you.

“Now who’s dreaming about the right girl?” Luca mutters under his breath.

“Hi,” you greet.

Jim smiles and says, “I thought you weren’t going to call.”

“That’s- that’s a long story, but I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he promises. “I have to work until 6, but I meant everything I said. Do you maybe want to get dinner or something?”

“I’d love that.”

“Where are you staying? I’ll pick you up.”

You tell him the name of your hotel, and he types it into his phone for safekeeping. You look between him and his phone, and he chuckles before offering it to you. After creating your contact, you send yourself a text, so you have his number, too. It’s as if a heavy weight is lifted, knowing that you can reach out whenever you want. Street places his phone back in his pocket and looks at you.

“Could I get a hug or something? It’s been years,” you whisper.

Street’s smile grows as he pulls you close. He wraps his arms over your shoulders as yours circle his waist. As he tightens his grip on you, he murmurs that he missed you and never wants the hug to end. You feel the same, but Street is called away, and you leave with a phone number, the prospect of a dinner, and an unspoken promise that things will be different now. Better.

“Officer Luca made it sound like you talk about me,” you say in the elevator of your hotel.

“You never leave my mind,” Jim replies, with his hand in yours.

“Even when you sleep?” you tease.

“Who do you think I dream about? Don’t you have a special someone in your dreams?”

You chew your bottom lip before answering, “I don’t dream.”

“I don’t mean actual dreams.”

“I know. I just- there’s no dreams in the wasteland, Street. And that’s where I’ve been for most of my life. It took everything I had to get here to see you. Why do you think it took me months?”

“What did you do?”

The elevator opens, and you walk silently through the lobby. Street pulls you to a stop on the sidewalk and looks into your eyes.

“I bought a train ticket the day after you called,” you begin. “But I missed the train and didn’t have enough money to buy another ticket. My phone was in my bag, and I left it at the station, so I had no way of calling you back. But because I spent the last of my savings on that ticket, I couldn’t pay my bills on time. It took working several jobs and barely sleeping, but I paid off all my debts. Except for one.”

“Being?”

“Everything I owe you.”

Street sighs and moves his hands up to your shoulders. “You don’t have to repay me for being your friend. When I said I wanted to see you, I wasn’t asking for anything more than your company.”

“I know, Street. My debt is not telling you how I felt before our lives stopped being connected. I wanted to tell you in high school, but I got scared.”

“You know how I felt in high school?” Street whispers. “I was in love with you, but I was terrified of losing you.”

“And now?”

“The same. With a little less fear. After all, you came all this way just to visit me, right?”

“Not exactly.”

Street’s brows furrow, and you smile.

“I left Long Beach. For good. I want to be wherever you are for as long as you’ll let me. I think I’m ready to leave the wasteland and get back to the life I always wanted, with you.”

Street nods slowly and leans toward you as he murmurs, “I think… I want to make up for lost time. The risk wasn’t worth it in high school; I wasn’t ready back then.”

“What do we have to lose now, Street?” you ask.

“More time. Too much.”

He pulls you against his chest and kisses you. The wasteland becomes a distant memory as you move with Street. Everything fades away as you show one another everything that you have felt for one another and communicate that the time apart was hard but worth it to get to this moment. You finally feel at home and like you’re living again. No longer are you living in a world on fire and dancin’ with the dead, but living in a world with Jim Street, where you breathe together, your hearts beat together, and his kiss gives you life. After you pull back, Jim leads you to his motorcycle and pulls you close.

“I could do that all night,” you say.

“I’ve been dreaming of kissing you since sophomore year,” Jim replies. “But that was far better.”

“No more being afraid of all the failures and regrets. I want us, Jim. Forever.”

“Alright,” he says with a dramatic sigh. “I guess I’ll just die every night.”

“What?”

He smiles as he says, “I’ve got a real bad feeling that your lips could kill. But I’ve always wanted to die for a night.”

You kiss Jim again, and the last few months become a memory only of his voicemail and loving Jim from a distance.

Surprise 2nd Song :)

[helloanthy]

🗒️ 24.04.2024 ⋅⋅⋅ 🥀

some notes for 20.09.2023 post and a separate cut out for utena because i spent a very long time rendering her ... the original concept i had in my head for this art was very different. it was just supposed to be a style study of this an official anime prop design art, and i'd thought to draw anthy in a similar pose across from her like in the shown version, but with her wearing her prince outfit from the manga. something something another form of female competition under the patriarchyyy stop pitting 2 girlprinces against each other omg etc (side note, how sick would it have been in an AU where akio made anthy fight against utena in the ring? like i dont think it would hav added more to the story or made it better really ... probably would've diluted the message to be honest ... but everytime i see that manga art of prince anthy i imagine some convoluted black rose arc AU where utenas dodging anthy getting her hair hacked off left and right like himemiyaaa nooo snap out of it this isnt uuu while anthys silent and dead eyed hahaha) but then after i drew prince anthy, the picture looked rather empty ... so i thought to add a few decals or borders in the style of the show & official arts but aaahh ... there was still too much negative space. i had to scrap anthy's prince outfit and put her back in her rose bride dress 😭 man !!! he cant keep getting away this !!! [blames akio the figurehead of patriarchy instead of taking responsibility of my own actions] which made me sad because i was pretty satisfied with the way i drew her pose and legs ! but i had to cover it up 🥲 ... the composition overall looked better though. and then after that it kept spiraling. i just kept adding more and more things until i lost control of this drawing and it plagued my WIP folder for months ... i dont want to try and connect all of it in words so ill just lay out all the pieces for you so you can connect them yourself. and you can experience my art thought process in fraction of erraticity and frustration as i experience it myself. this is a lot neater than what happened in my head though because i bothered to put it in order. honestly if i can make you feel a little bit insane trying to scroll through and read all this than i can make you understand how annoying my brain is when all i wanted to draw was utenanthy girlprinces fighting starting references & inspiration: utena prop reference sheet & manga prince!anthy

the tower & the lovers tarot

above: the lovers as depicted in the tarot of marseilles deck, tarocco bolognese deck, & tarocco piemontese deck the lovers (tarot card) wikipedia: The Lovers is associated with the star sign Gemini, and indeed is also known as The Twins in some decks. Other associations are with Air, Mercury, and the Hebrew letter ז (Zayin). In the Rider Waite deck, the imagery for this card is changed significantly from the traditional depiction. Instead of a couple receiving a blessing from a noble or cleric, the Rider–Waite deck depicts Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

a.e. waite, the pictorial key to the tarot, part III, section 3, no.6: UPRIGHT: Attraction, love, beauty, trials overcome REVERSED: Failure, foolish designs. Another account speaks of marriage frustrated and contrarieties of all kinds a.e. waite, the pictorial key to tarot, part II, VI. the lovers: In the foreground are two human figures, male and female, unveiled before each other, as if Adam and Eve when they first occupied the paradise of the earthly body. Behind the man is the Tree of Life, bearing twelve fruits, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil is behind the woman; the serpent is twining round it. The figures suggest youth, virginity, innocence and love before it is contaminated by gross material desire. This is in all simplicity the card of human love, here exhibited as part of the way, the truth and the life. It replaces, by recourse to first principles, the old card of marriage, which I have described previously, and the later follies which depicted man between vice and virtue. In a very high sense, the card is a mystery of the Covenant and Sabbath. The suggestion in respect of the woman is that she signifies that attraction towards the sensitive life which carries within it the idea of the Fall of Man, but she is rather the working of a Secret Law of Providence than a willing and conscious temptress. It is through her imputed lapse that man shall arise ultimately, and only by her can he complete himself. The card is therefore in its way another intimation concerning the great mystery of womanhood. going off of the rider-waite tarot deck: the pictorial key to the tarot—biddytarot's interpretation of the lovers: UPRIGHT: Love, harmony, relationships, values alignment, choices REVERSED: Self-love, disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values In its purest form, The Lovers card represents conscious connections and meaningful relationships. The arrival of this card in a Tarot reading shows that you have a beautiful, soul-honoring connection with a loved one. [...] The Lovers is a card of open communication and raw honesty. Given that the man and woman are naked, they are both willing to be in their most vulnerable states and have learned to open their hearts to one another and share their truest feelings. [...] On a more personal level, The Lovers card represents getting clear about your values and beliefs. You are figuring out what you stand for and your philosophy. Having gone through the indoctrination of The Hierophant, you are now ready to establish your belief system and decide what is and what is not essential to you. It’s time to go into the big wide world and make choices for yourself, staying true to who you are and being authentic and genuine in all your endeavors. At its heart, The Lovers is about choice. The choice about who you want to be in this lifetime, how you connect with others and on what level, and about what you will and won’t stand for. To make good choices, you need to be clear about your personal beliefs and values – and stay true to them. Not all decisions will be easy either. The Lovers card is often a sign that you are facing a moral dilemma and must consider all consequences before acting. Your values system is being challenged, and you are being called to take the higher path, even if it is difficult. Do not carry out a decision based on fear or worry or guilt or shame. Now, more than ever, you must choose love – love for yourself, love for others and love for the Universe. Choose the best version of yourself. Finally, The Lovers card encourages you to unify dual forces. You can bring together two parts that are seemingly in opposition to one another and create something that is ‘whole’, unified and harmonious. In every choice, there is an equal amount of advantage and disadvantage, opportunity and challenge, positive and negative. When you accept these dualities, you build the unity from which love flows.

the tower (tarot card) wikipedia: The Tower is widely associated to danger, crisis, sudden change, destruction, higher learning, and liberation. In the Rider–Waite deck, the top of The Tower is a crown, which symbolizes materialistic thought being bought cheap, downcast. a.e. waite, the pictorial key to the tarot, part III, section 3, no.16: UPRIGHT: Misery, distress, indigence, adversity, calamity, disgrace, deception, ruin. It is a card in particular of unforeseen catastrophe REVERSED: According to one account, the same in a lesser degree also oppression, imprisonment, tyranny (the wikipedia included a.e. waite's upright meanings, but i have no idea where they got the reversed meanings) going off of the rider-waite tarot deck: the pictorial key to the tarot—biddytarot's interpretation of the tower: UPRIGHT: Sudden change, upheaval, chaos, revelation, awakening REVERSED: Personal transformation, fear of change, averting disaster The Tower shows a tall tower perched on the top of a rocky mountain. Lightning strikes set the building alight, and two people leap from the windows, head first and arms outstretched. It is a scene of chaos and destruction. The Tower itself is a solid structure, but because it has been built on shaky foundations, it only takes one bolt of lightning to bring it down. It represents ambitions and goals made on false premises. The lightning represents a sudden surge of energy and insight that leads to a break-through or revelation. It enters via the top of the building and knocks off the crown, symbolizing energy flowing down from the Universe, through the crown chakra. The people are desperate to escape from the burning building, not knowing what awaits them as they fall. [...] The best way forward is to let this structure self-destruct so you can re-build and re-focus. [...] with a card like The Tower, you have no choice but to surrender to the destruction and chaos, no matter how unwanted or painful [...] After a Tower experience, you will grow stronger, wiser and more resilient as you develop a new perspective on life you did not even know existed. 

infant stars taken by NASA hubble used in the background overlay of akio's tower star birth | cool cosmos: Stars form from the simplest of building blocks - huge clouds of gas and dust that permeate the Galaxy. [...] While these big clouds of dust and gas lay dormant for many millions and perhaps billions of years, eventually some of them are disturbed. This can happen gradually, maybe caused by the approach of one of the Milky Way's spiral arms as it slowly sweeps around the center of the galaxy, or it can be a sudden event, like a nearby supernova explosion that blasts a shockwave through the cloud. Either way, a small increase in the pressure and density of the cloud forms knots in the gas and dust that eventually collapse under their own gravity, pulling more and more of the surrounding material in, and forming the stellar "seeds" known as protostars. From Protostar to Star: As the clouds collapse, they start to rotate, and, like a spinning skater pulling in her arms, each of these seed protostars begins to spin faster the more it collapses. The material falling towards the protostar flattens out into a rotating disk of dust and gas encircling the central core. The protostar warms up, as the potential energy of the material falling in is converted into kinetic energy, but it has not yet ignited to form a fully-fledged star. For the next few million years, the protostar's gravity pulls in more material from the surrounding cloud into its disk. That disk transports the gas and dust onto the protostar, causing the protostar to grow. The increase in mass causes the gravitational field of the protostar to increase and so even more material is pulled into the disk. The addition of more material, in turn, increases the gravitational field even further, pulling in more material, and so on, creating a feedback loop that keeps the whole process going. [...] The density and temperature of the protostar keep climbing higher and higher, until eventually the core grows to about one tenth the size of our Sun, and becomes hot and dense enough for hydrogen nuclei to spontaneously stick together to form helium, in a process called nuclear fusion. At that instant, the core ignites, and the new star is born. Meanwhile, in the disk, clumps of material have been forming, which are the seeds of new planets. These seeds sweep up material in the disk in a process called accretion, forming the planets of a new solar system. Once the star has started nuclear fusion, the heat and wind from the infant star begin to blast the gas and dust away, creating a cavity in the cloud. As more and more matter gets funneled onto the star from the disk, the star gets larger and larger, causing it to push harder and harder against the cloud and the disk, enlarging the cavity, vaporizing the disk, and halting the growth of planets.

deadheading (flowers) wikipedia: Deadheading is the horticultural practice of removing spent flowers from ornamental plants. Deadheading is a widespread form of pruning, since fading flowers are not as appealing and direct a lot of energy into seed development if pollinated. The goal of deadheading is thus to preserve the attractiveness of the plants in beds, borders, containers and hanging baskets, as well as to encourage further blooming. Deadheading flowers with many petals, such as roses, peonies, and camellias prevents them from littering.

[...] Ornamental plants that do not require deadheading are those that do not produce a lot of seed or tend to deadhead themselves [...] if the plant bears attractive seeds or fruits, deadheading is normally avoided

ladybird, ladybug, lady beetle: scientific name "coccinellidae" wikipedia: Etymology: [...] The common English name ladybird originated in Britain where the insects became known as "Our Lady's birds". Mary ("Our Lady") was often depicted wearing a red cloak in early art, and the seven spots of the species Coccinella septempunctata (the most common in Europe) were said to represent her seven joys and seven sorrows. Trophic Roles: Coccinellids act both as predators, prey and parasitic hosts in food webs. The majority of coccinellids are carnivorous and predatory. [...] Cannibalism has been recorded in several species; which includes larvae eating eggs or other larvae, and adults feeding on individuals of any life stage.

Defense: The bright warning colouration of many coccinellids discourage potential predators, warning of their toxicity [...] Species with more contrast with the background environment tended to be more toxic. Coccinellid haemolymph (blood) contains toxic alkaloids, azamacrolides and polyamines, as well as foul-smelling pyrazines. Coccinellids can produce at least 50 types of alkaloids. When disturbed, ladybirds further defend themselves with reflex bleeding, exuding drops from their tibio-femoral (knee) joints, effectively presenting predators with a sample of their toxic and bitter body fluid.

despite said being named after the lady virgin mary they are known to be promiscuous breeders, who's habits have been documented to result in epidemics of sexually transmitted infection in large populations, subject to various academic studies

lyric from lady oscar's theme song "the rose perishes beautifully"

ok there was more but its been like 8 hours it turns out trying to put my thoughts into words even if its just a bunch of copy pasting is even more annoying than just thinking them im ending this post 😭

[dreadsuitsamus]

Rich & Sad | Jiraiya x Reader |

author's note: this was in the wip graveyard for like a year plus, ngl, though @yeowangies admitting to being an old man fucker helped revive it. this is based on a song of the same name by post malone (i know, big surprise coming from me)

pairing: jiraiya x fem!reader

warnings: angst, mentions of alcohol, typically all the sadness you would think of in a jiraiya work tbh

I just keep on wishing that the money made you stay.

Jiraiya's pen flicks easily along the notepad; most authors opt for computers these days, and he supposes he should get with the times. But his old method of writing by hand on whatever scrap of paper he could find got him this far: sitting in a mansion with no spared expense and every amenity a man could dream of. Hell, it all started in a bar with an idea written on a cocktail napkin as he watched the bartender serve her regulars and newcomers through a peaceful reverie. It was the look in her eyes, so clearly not present unlike the rest of her working body, that flooded through the dam of his writer's block that sent him through a flurry of those little square napkins.

It's cold, though. Even with all the money his bank account could ask for, he finds turning the furnace on pointless; there's nobody to keep warm, and he's been numb to it for quite some time now. Perhaps he should relocate to the mansion down in Mexico soon— tis the season.

You always hated that mansion.

"Don't you love the view, babe?"

"Yeah…" Your eyes shifted from his as you lied.

He should burn it to ash.

Jiraiya's latest novel is for a new series, and while he initially only intended a one-off, he's quickly coming up with idea after idea to turn it into the most dramatic story he's ever thought of. It may just rival any soap opera by the time he's done— and wouldn't that be something, if he could have a book turned into a show or a movie? He's already got more money than he knows what to do with; it'd just be wasteful at this point.

But maybe a few more zeros on his bank balance can convince you he's worth it?

Jiraiya sets aside the pen and makes a call whilst surveying the empty room, reserving his usual VIP room at a club downtown, preemptively adding a few extra bottle girls to his tab before the line clicks and he's off to dress himself. His closet is massive, the size of the three bedrooms he had the walls of removed just to accommodate this collection of suits, accessories and the like, most of which he's never worn.

“Jiraiya, those rooms were supposed to be for our kids, not some ridiculous closet!”

“Relax! I can buy another house, baby, don't worry.”

Even in his own home, he's got appearances to upkeep.

Though he has worn every single tacky Hawaiian shirt he owns, of which he has an entire corridor of this closet dedicated to. The club he's booked tonight has a dress code specifically against those, however (and specifically put in place because of Jiraiya) so tonight he's opting for a black suit with gold accents and leaves the shirt behind as he buttons the jacket about halfway. He's not sure who started this movement of showing up half dressed, but he'd love to get on his hands and knees and give them all of his gratitude.

Jiraiya walks by the empty, unlit portion of the closet, refusing to think about the day he’d finally unscrewed and tossed out the lightbulbs shining light on his darkest days.

The club is loud, packed and boozy when Jiraiya arrives. He's enough of a regular to be vaguely anticipated even without his reservation, and as such there's more than a conga line’s worth of women waiting for him. The symphony of “Hiiii Jiraiya~!” is intoxicating, along with the cheers when he announces the drinks are on him tonight. He's got a card on tab at all times here; he doesn't even remember what it looks like, but it's probably a black card.

“Babe, you gotta start spending more on your card. The penalties are kicking my ass!”

“Then cancel the card.” Your voice is dead, along with your feelings for this relationship. You can't remember the last time you spent time with Jiraiya rather than a product of his wealth.

Jiraiya goes through the throngs of pretty ladies itching to be his sole beneficiary, kissing them all with an obscene amount of tongue before he's even gotten to his private party room. The bottle girls are ready, serving what he's buying to every patron in the club. The atmosphere is rowdy and everyone's having fun, swapping drinks, pills and saliva. What else are Saturday nights good for?

“Can't we stay in for once? I'm not up for partying.”

“Well, what the hell else are we gonna do?”

In the center of the room, Jiraiya sits alone in the plush armchair, staring through the sexy bodies before him and rather at the wall. When you've done this once, you've done it a thousand times. He hasn't found joy in any of this in many years now.

He hasn't felt anything.

All this stunting couldn't satisfy my soul.

Jiraiya’s back in the mask the moment gentle fingertips touch his jaw, and when he looks up he could swear he's seeing you. But then one blink and the truth is before him: you're not here, and never will be. As the image of the stripper before him settles, he plasters on a smile and allows her to pour the liquor right into his mouth.

By closing time, he's got thousands on his tab and can hardly stand on his own. He's more than capable of holding his liquor, but frankly he's had much more than he should've. Truthfully, he's surprised he's got a liver at all anymore. Jiraiya stumbles out of the club, that big body crashing into a light pole as he fumbles for his cell phone, the device being the latest edition Apple has to offer, though the old man can hardly figure any of it out. It crashes to the concrete, shattering the screen that brightly displays a picture of you looking so bright and smiley and happy.

He stole the photo from your Instagram page when you posted it on a day many moons after you left him. And he made sure to crop out the man beside you that's wearing your wedding ring on his finger.

Jiraiya hits the ground hard when he bends over to pick up the phone, and with the cold air chilling the sidewalk he finds himself more willing to stay there than try to find a way back home in his inebriated state.

Got a hundred big places but I'm still alone.

The bright light of the broken screen blinds him, but he still manages to dial your number through nearly-closed eyes. The ringer drones on and on, and just when he thinks he's going to voicemail, the line picks up.

“Jiraiya.” It's said with a sigh, softly. There's no irritation this time, and instead he's met with nothing but pure sadness. “You can't keep calling me.”

“What if I penned a new medical drama, hm? Those’re popular…”

“Why don't you do what fulfills you, like your first novel?” Before he'd waded into the world of smut and taken on those rabid readers, he'd written a thrilling book that sold poorly, but has a rather dedicated cult following after all these years. It was a truly brilliant read, and even now serves as a reminder of the man you originally fell in love with.

“Those books don't sell. The money didn't make you stay… So it's gotta be worth the trade, no?” He's far too late in the game to make it right; after your ex-fiancée has her fifth wedding anniversary, there usually isn't any salvation in pulling your head out of your ass.

I would throw it all away.

[fandomfantasyy]

MASSIVE WARNING FOR II 17 SPOILERS ++ INANIMATE INSANITY THEORY ++ ADAM KATZ TWITTER CODE SOLVING !!

i am holding onto way more hope than i should, however, this is a stray theory of mine that im holding onto for said hopes sake.

to those who haven't watched ii 17 yet, PLEASE keep scrolling. i mention just about everything that happened in the episode, and im basically reviewing it at the start. the episode is so much better without any spoilers!!

so, inanimate insanity 17. if you don't wanna hear me blabber on and on about the episode, scroll to the other big text. otherwise i am RANTING i need an outlet. 3:

inanimate insanity 17 was a rodeo. me and my partner had a few straggling theories before we watched it, and a few of them were true. knife did indeed punch cobs, they really did fight, everyone that heard was disappointed to find out they were made by mephone 4.

starting with the majority of the opening sequence, going from memory here, knife's desperation? ow. suitcase's new found paranoia? OW. them doing everything to find out what was wrong was so bittersweet, because you can just tell that they don't know how to stop it and are holding onto to random theories and hope.

nearing more of the middle section, i completely forgot that bow could possess people. made me giggle a bit tbh….. besides that, I HATE COBS HE MANIPULATED MY BABY, TOILET. ☹️ the admission of guilt from mephone 4, only to realize his apology could never speak loud enough almost killed me. lightbulb, fan, and test tube, all dead. the bright lights poly. when toilet told mepad that he understood it wasn't a competition anymore? and when cobs pulled off toilet and begun killing everyone? jesus christ dude (also im a little sad at the lack of extra pronunciation on "your" when paper yelled at salt saying "hes not your boyfriend" as a payjay shipper but....)

more on the end side, the fight convinced me for a damn while. it doesn't make sense to me how one single throw got knife extremely scuffed and chipped, but it's finneee, it's show logic!! :3 anygays. the main painful time. the pull of the plug, prompting toilet to call himself "the best assistant", the way knife put his hand on suitcase to comfort her, the way cobs SACRIFICED MEPHONE X??? dude this show is gonna make me go bonkers.

last but not least, "the show is over," and mephone 4 has no choice but to go back "home" with cobs. ow.

there are still so many questions. the eggs helped power everything, but were they fake? how did mephone 4 find the land he built inanimate insanity on? obviously it isn't fake, he's still sitting on it at the end of the episode. where's 3gs? what about mepad? was mepad made up? too much to answer with too little information.

overall, what a painful episode. it seems like the end, right? wrong.

inanimate insanity is not over. we are getting ii18.

at least, thats my theory. average movie length spans 1½ hours to 2½ hours. us inanimate insanity fans were told that this finale would be as long as a movie. right now, we are only at an hour. i dont remember the last time i watched a movie that was only an hour. they're out there, yes, but i doubt the creators would pray on very short movies to support their angst.

adam katz's teasing on twitter / x, saying that mephone x was after him, only for his account to be seemingly gone or empty? there's no way adam simply quit twitter because he ended his line of work. it's a thing that happens, but i dont think this is that. most of adam's characters in the show died before the plug was pulled. is that a direct reference? i don't know.

as of october 15th, adam seemingly returned to twitter, but instead as the robot from ii17. why would they bring him back suddenly, why would they make this teaser? there's no real, legitimate explanation in my eyes... other than them maybe just wanting to torture us. that, however, is not the point.

continuing on adam robot twitter thing, on his twitter / x profile / status, (idk what it's called i don't use twitter / x,) it says, "Loading a large amount of files... / Estimated wait tim: 2880 minutes, 0 seconds". that directly translates to two days. we're heavily likely to get the true final episode or the trailer of such of ii2 in 2 days.

update for the above. on october 18th, around 3pm EST, a code to decipher was posted. someone in the comments of the twitter / x post said that it was "you seek to know the true reason for such a tragic second season if you decide you want to show more there may be something to restore see .com/insert code". we, the viewers might be bringing the show back.

season one and season three's final episodes ended with a "the end". ii17 did not have this end card. this seems like a very crucial thing that they couldn't just "leave out". after all, why on the most important finale of all of the finales so far, would they leave out saying "the end"? if it's truly the end, they wouldn't leave it with a black screen and a sobbing community. (the last part, maybe, but not the first part.....)

both season one ended with 18 episodes, and season three ended with 19 episodes. season two seems to almost be ending on episode 17. this could go either way, with season two ending with a pattern of 17-18-19, OR, if we're really lucky, 18-19-20. (or we just get an extra 18 or smth idk)

there is a reason why this is only a stray theory of mine. only 6 days before the release of ii17, adam katz and brian koch were saying their thank you's and goodbye's to the inanimate insanity community. it feels like the end of this show is near, if not sadly over now.

overall, i still have hope. but this wont be clear until we either see a ii18 trailer or we dont. i will regularly update this with new information as it gets found by me and my partner. goodbye for now, inanimate insanity community, and good luck.

robot adam's twitter saga.

adam katz's teasing on twitter / x, saying that mephone x was after him, only for his account to be seemingly gone or empty? there's no way adam simply quit twitter because he ended his line of work. it's a thing that happens, but i dont think this is that. most of adam's characters in the show died before the plug was pulled. is that a direct reference? i don't know.

as of october 15th, adam seemingly returned to twitter, but instead as the robot from ii17. why would they bring him back suddenly, why would they make this teaser? there's no real, legitimate explanation in my eyes... other than them maybe just wanting to torture us. that, however, is not the point.

continuing on adam robot twitter thing, on his twitter / x profile / status, (idk what it's called i don't use twitter / x,) it says, "Loading a large amount of files... / Estimated wait tim: 2880 minutes, 0 seconds". that directly translates to two days. we're heavily likely to get the true final episode or the trailer of such of ii2 in 2 days.

update for the above. on october 18th, around 3pm EST, a code to decipher was posted. someone in the comments of the twitter / x post said that it was "you seek to know the true reason for such a tragic second season if you decide you want to show more there may be something to restore see .com/insert code". (credits to @\NickleBFDIA2012 on twitter/x !!) we, the viewers might be bringing the show back.

connecting to that, more hints have already been found. there was a code on cabby's wiki that is decoded to “You want the second key word? These pages are your answer. Next, go to the three time player with the lowest average placement." (credits to @\MeesterTweester on twitter/x !!) this brought the fandom to nickel (i believe), and im not quite sure what it says.

however, i do know one thing. it's been solved, and my theory was proven true.

we will be getting episode 18 of inanimate insanity by late november.

[thegreenthepeacetheorange]

Everlark (Mockingjay, Ch. 16)

katniss, in the haze of morphling, remembering that peeta said "always" when she asked him to stay with her... i, too, have been shot

the fact that her morphling-fuelled dreams after being shot are about trying to find peeta in a soft world, smelling cinnamon and dill, and feeling his touch against her cheek. ugh.

"instead of a stab of sorrow, i merely feel emptiness. a hollow of dead brush where flowers used to bloom" - i love this description of her feelings for/relationship with peeta. they were flowers that were blooming, vibrant, full of life and possibility. and it's so sad that she now feels like it's dead brush. something something dandelions

(gale and katniss again fundamentally at odds. the cracks aren't even cracks anymore)

katniss specifying that she only allows herself to get peeta updates from haymitch

annie getting married wearing one of katniss's dresses and finnick wearing one of peeta's suits. oh

the wedding cake!!!

they took so much from us in mockingjay part 2, including: the cake, haymitch telling katniss to see it from peeta's side, all their other conversations about peeta etc etc. but particularly the cake because it was a big symbol of hope

and she knew it was his work at first sight, from so far away

the fact that haymitch seemingly hasn't left peeta's side since peeta got to 13 makes me cry

"never was i supposed to hear the words he says he'd like to see you. but now that i have, there's no way to refuse" - she can't refuse him, she simply can't.

"those blue eyes lock on me instantly" - they're still those same blue eyes she's got lost in before. it's always those blue eyes.

hijacked peeta saying that katniss isn't particularly pretty is a very sad moment. of course she gets defensive and bites back, that must have really hurt

katniss's instinct to be angry with him, shout, scream, argue, and she doesn't even know what about is so katniss. she does this thing out of fear/worry. like when she thought she lost peeta in the first games and that he'd died when they split up to get food and her deep fear of losing him spilled out as anger and picking a fight with him.

again, the pain in her chest.

the fact that peeta speaks about her in the rain softly. oh my poor confused hijacked boy

peeta remembering the moment that katniss has never said aloud. but from his perspective. he tried to catch her eye and she looked away, towards the dandelion that gave her hope. and he noticed all this. oh he doesn't even know what he means to her and my heart hurts.

her account in the first book is that she caught him staring at her from across the school yard, their eyes met for a second before he turned his head away and she dropped her gaze embarrassed onto the dandelion. the fact that both of them just wanted to speak to each other post-peeta giving her the bread and they just couldn't. and then ended up in the hunger games together 5 years later. my god,

"i must have loved you a lot" the past tense hurt me so i know it hurt katniss. her voice catching as she says "you did"

her not being able to say she loved him when he asks her is just indicative of katniss not wanting to be vulnerable and disappointed. and also he's asking her in past tense but she loves him in the present.

i don't read peeta's questioning here is angry or cruel. he laughed in the beginning when they were at each other, and he laughs at the very end when she says she wasn't asking his or gale's permission regarding the other - but his questioning is so clearly the things he's confused about. and she doesn't comment on how he asks her things, just that he does.

and then the bit about peeta "finally" seeing the real her and it's all the worst things she thinks about herself. ugh. i just wanna hug them both.

i'm just going to link this post i made about this last passage and how katniss feels about peeta loving her.

[amphibifish]

WHAT AHPPENED IN MALOKI

so much jordan..... too much jordan.......

assuming that was a genuine question explanation of the ending under the cut because jesus christ that ending was actually so wtf i NEED to talk about it CAUSE WHAG WAS THATT but it's kind of long so

ok i guess ill start from post-amusement park ballpit etc because thats kind of where things pick up

freyja convinces them to back to asgard to go take back odins throne from everyone who's fighting over it. she stays on midgard by the emergency exit if anything goes wrong. odin and loki head up there and then go visit baldr who convinces odin to free him on account of "dad....... ☹️☹️☹️" which works and then baldr beelines for the throne and so loki and odin hop on sleipnir to beat him but when they hop off him they fall back down the emergency exit hole.

so earlier hoenir gives heimdallr his staff back cause oh odins back now no need to talk over the world or anything. now while loki and odin are having a dinner party heimdallr breaks in in an attempt to kill that fake odin his staff created to psychologically torture loki. he's all "loki im finally GETTING MY REVENGE !!!" and then he trips and falls and drops his staff and odin picks it up and gets the eye reviving for real this time then immediately throws heimdallr out a window.

now they're all like OK ITS TIME TO FR FINISH RAGNAROK and so they go into asgard except the portal sends them into. baldrs like. mind world ??? ok here is where they start to lose me a little bit. i mean they lost me in a lot of places but like, especially here.

baldrs mind world is a night festival and the goal is to not get caught by baldr or he will turn you to stone which has happened to basically everyone except hoenir baldr himself and heimdallr who is seething the entire time still begging to fight loki. oh and urd but urd uhhh. turns into a swan or something and uses her magic to make loki an adult again disappearing in the process ?

when loki finally happens upon them hoenir tries to betray baldr with a fake staff that summons valkyrie's but it doesnt work. heimdallr tries to fight him for it because ??? look he's just been slowly getting flanderized into "I HATE LOKI AND I SUCK" over the course of this last manga so 😐😐😐 whatever anyway

baldr is like "OK LOKI LETS DUEL" and then THEY PULL OUT GUNS AND BALDR SHOOTS LOKI DEAD. and translation the app gave me was a little funky but the gist of it was that loki emptied his gun or like dropped his weapon or whatever because he didn't want to kill baldr and then baldr starts uhh crying. and then they get whisked back to the real world ACTUAL asgard and loki is. ALIVE ???

i don't even know how that works the dialogue literally just says "i was hiding!" and he's a child again so i can only assume the swan magic protected him. anyway thenbaldr is like "OK LOKI LETS FIGHT FR" and then they show off a bit of rune magic or whatever

then odin is all "why did you do all that baldr" and the very tragic sad explanation is basically. he was in love with urd and didn't like that loki and urd were also probably in love (???) and also he wanted uh attention and respect or something like that and didn't want to wait for the throne so he put odin on the self possessed him and then caused the entire plot.

odin is like "awhh ☹️☹️☹️" and makes him king.

they finally free all the valkyries aka every girl that was brutally murdered over the course of this story which revives them and they're sent back to their normal lives.

then hel shows up and is like "hey guys what's up here's my portal to helheim. the norns have already gone in your turn !" SO THEN ODIN AND FREYJA FORCE EVERYONE TO COMMIT MASS SUICIDE TOGETHER (minus loki). YEAH. EVERY GOD FROM BEFORE THIS INSTALLMENT IS DEAD. actually technically heim freyr and hoenir didn't wanna die they got pushed in so really that was a murder on freyja's hands but she's also dead anyway so it doesn't matter.

and then loki goes back to living his life as a child detective and ermmm yeah ^_^ the end ! what the fuck ! was that !

[aru-xx]

I'm here now. // Detroit Become Human x Heavy Rain

A/N: yooo! I really hope that whoever might be reading this, will enjoy the short story about this alternative universe! it actually took me a little time to make, but in the end i'm pretty happy how it turned out. any kind of feedback is always appreciated and if you liked this fanfic, then make sure to check out my account for more stories or leave me some requests for stories with your own ideas. have a great day/night! // Word Count: 3295 // not revised // ――――――――――――― 6th October 2034, 5:37pm, DPD I just sat there staring at the files and reports in front of me, not taking up anymore information I was getting. Suddenly a hand gently touched my shoulder, bringing me back to reality. "Mister Anderson, I think it'd be a good idea for you to go home and catch a break. This case will be in good hands and will have top priority, I can promise that." The man next to me spoke in a calm yet serious voice, making me slowly stand up from the chair I was sitting on. "We will be quick to inform you about anything new. Good evening." That was the last thing he said to me, before I heard his footsteps getting quieter as he was walking away to presumably do something of more importance. I took a sharp breath in while my eyes were still sticking to all of the reports I saw on the table. -nine year old boy found dead near the freeway! will the origami killer be back again this year?- -seven year old boy gone missing on his way home from school!- I felt myself feeling sicker with every second that passed just looking at all of this. Needing to get some fresh air and to clear my mind, I quickly stepped out of the building before feeling the cold weather outside instantly. I slowly started walking home in trance and silence. My mind was empty, I couldn't think straight anymore after the hours of sitting in the police station and explaining the officers what happened. I scoffed in frustration. I was the one who was supposed to take care of him. I am an Officer myself, so I should've been the one searching for him now. I should've looked out for him more and be a better father to him. My Cole. My sweet little boy. He's just 5 years old. How was he supposed to be out here all alone?

6th October 2034, 5:56pm, Michigan Drive 115 Opening the door to my House I felt like I was abandoning everything I have ever cared for if I only dared to close that door again. I stepped inside the warm home, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling before locking the door behind me. Hearing sumo walking out of the living room he was probably sleeping in before, i kneel down to his height waiting for him to approach me. "Hey there boy", I said almost in a whisper as I petted him before taking off my jacket and shoes. As sumo went back into the living room I saw some mails on the shelf, I grabbed them before walking into the kitchen and tossing them onto the table, not caring much about it. I then opened the fridge to get myself a beer, opening it and sitting down on a chair at the kitchen table. I took a big sip of the alcoholic drink, already feeling the sad comfort in my throat, before I roughly ripped open the mails. "Uninteresting, uninteresting, uninteresting.." I kept looking through them without much interest, before stopping at one specific mail that i was finding rather odd. I looked at the weird letter which had no sender address on it. Just a tiny bit more interested now, I opened this one with more care before pulling out the sheet of paper that was in it. When the parents came home from church, all their children were gone. They searched and called for them, they cried and begged, but it was all to no avail. The children have never been seen again. I swallowed at the sight of the kind of disturbing text, not knowing what that was supposed to mean nor why I got this mail. My mind was racing again and all I could think about was Cole. I heard a loud thunder rumble, which made me look at the window that was covered in thousands of rain drops. It was raining heavily again. I stared outside the window for a moment, seeing the dark clouds covering the sky and making the whole place look more depressed than it already was. Cole. He had to be out there. He would get sick. I felt my mood take a drastical twist as i looked inside the envelope now and found a ticket for a luggage locker inside. Again not knowing what this was, I still knew that something was off about this, so I kept the ticket before pushing everything else from the table in frustration, anger, unsteadiness and most of all sadness. I laid down my head on the table putting my hands over my head, not caring about the now shattered glass on the floor or the instant noodles that sumo would probably eat soon. I was at helpless and I knew it. I failed him and even myself, I knew it. I knew it but I just couldn't accept the fact that this was my fault. That him being scared out there all alone now.. was only me failing as a father.

7th October 2034, 2:18pm, Lexington Station The police hasn't reported anything new to me yet so they had most likely no trace of my son so far, but that would only be true if they were actually keeping their word on letting me know every new information about his well being and the investigation. I wasn't stupid though. I was a cop myself so I knew how things had to go. But the only difference here was, that i wasn't doing this as my job. I was doing this because I was his father and threfore I was on a different level than them. I did have a possible traceand I wasn't willing to give that up. Walking into the Train Station I almost feltlike a criminal even if what I was doing wasn't anything illegal. Getting some luggage from a letter that I received wasn't a crime, was it? But no matter what, in order to succeeded I had to keep my cool while walking past thesecurity and trying to find the right locker. Getting past the man that was apparently checking for any suspicous behaviour, was in fact just sitting in his chair and letting everyone pass with less than half care about it. "Row 18, locker 3", I whispered tomyself, checking the ticket and all the lockers in front of me, until I had found the right one. I carefully opened it before taking out the shoe box that was insidewith a rather confused look. I quickly checked the area for any civilians before not even hesitating to open the box and seewhat was inside of it, but what I saw made me feel sick. There were little origamifigures, an old phone with a memory card and .. a gun. My stomach began to churn, alarming me thatthis was nothing a normal person had to do with. It was more than clear that not only the gun was a hint to the killer but also the origami figures that were his kind of signature that he left right before every missing child was found, together with an orchid on the dead bodies. I just stood there for a longtime, thinking about how this would be my son if I didn't act fast enough. How this would happen to a lot more fathers and mothers. Thinking about all possible things. But in the end I came to the conclusion that I was only sure about the fact that I wanted to save my little boy. Iwanted to be a good protector to him again. A good father. But I knew. I knew. If I wanted to really save him, I had to give this to thepolice and let them handle it. I could do nothing for him. Again.

7th October 2034, 3:12pm, DPD I walked into the Police Department, having already informed the FBI Profiler Norman Jayden who was working together with Lieutenant Carter Blake in the origami killer case, about my findings. I didn't quite like the FBI because of their way of handling things, but I had a good feeling about this particularly man so I trusted him enough to let him try to save my son, which already should mean the world. Getting closer to all of the officer's desks I heard Agent Jayden and Officer Blake talk to a man who was sitting on a chair in front of a table that had different files on it. He reminded me of myself, sitting in that same chair yesterday. Reminded me of how i felt at that moment. I looked down at the box I was holding, feeling the sadness and guilt catch up to me again. Being lost in my thoughts for a second made me not realize how they almost finished their talk. That was until the man stood up trying to walk a little after the lieutenant, making me also look up at them. "Hey, do you think the origami killer..", he wasn't able to finish his sentence which led to an uneasy silence in the conversation. "Listen, your sons probably just run off and will turn up in a couple hours", the officer replied rather annoyed. "But what if it is the origami killer?", while the father was sounding more than just worried. "Well then we have about 4 days to find him alive". As soon as Carter Blake spat his words out and left, I instantly regretted listening in on their conversation and looked back down to avoid having to look into the mans eyes who has just recently had a traumatic experience. It made me realize. He was also a father. A father who lost his son. Like me. Like everyone else before. I was sure now. I was sure about that this was the right thing to do. To put a stop to this never-ending nightmare for all people out there who lost their lovely children. After I looked up again I saw the man leaving into the waiting area and talking to a woman which seemed to be his wife .. or ex-wife. At least the mother ofthe young boy. I decided that this was no longer something of my business, even if it wasn't in the first place either. I walked over to the FBI Agent who seemed rather stressed but not surprised to see me once he noticed me. "Mr. Anderson." He looked at the box I was holding before standing up straight again, after he was bending over the table for I was guessing the whole questioning from the father. "Please follow me into my office." He forced a calm voice out of him while I stayed silent. We walked into his office, and he closed the door behind us as I simply put the box on his desk. I gave a heavy sigh, not even daring to look into the mans eyes due to me being ashamed of myself that I was much older than this FBI Profiler and yet I couldn't even bring myself to even try or believe in myself that I could find and rescue my son myself but instead put it on other peoples backs. It was pathetic. "Save my son. Please. You have to. Not only for me but for everyone. For the father that also lost his little boy." I paused, opening my mouth to speak again but only shook my head and put my hands on the table for some grip while staring down at it. "Ethan Mars. I know i'm not supposed to share this information with you but that was the fathers name, and his son is named Shaun Mars. He also felt guilty about losing his son just like that even if he was supposed to take care of him. But if I can promise you one thing Mister Anderson .. then that would be that I WILL find your and Mister Mars sons and put a stop to this." I turned around, looking surprised for a moment that the Agent was sympathising with me and giving me personal informations about this man only for me to be able to get in touch with him. I quickly put a thankful smile on my face which not only showed and expressed my sadness and helplessness but also my gratitude and relief I felt at the moment. Without another word having to be spoken, I left the office and with that also the DPD.

11th October 2034, 7:22pm, The Old Warehouse A normal Friday evening, standing outside an old warehouse together with the police and just waiting for something to happen. Someone to come out of the building. My nerves were completely shot, and I haven't really slept for the past few days because of the fact that I was not knowing anything about how close or far away the police were to catching the origami killer and finding my son. But now. Now it was finally time, so when I got a call from Norman Jayden that he knows who and where the origami killer is I couldn't help but feel a little bit of hope grow inside me. And now I would either see my son come out of this building .. or not. Everything would be finished tonight and there was no other way. But I already knew that if my little boy wouldn't be here anymore, I would break. I would never be the same ever again. "Hank?" A man next to me spoke up and I quickly turned my head in the direction of the voice, seeing Ethan giving me an even more worried expression than he already had all the time, if that was even possible. "I couldn't bear to never see him again. I love him too much for something so brutally." I spoke truthfully, sharing what was going through my mind with him. Over the painful time I was kept in the dark, I decided to take the chance Agent Jayden gave me and get in touch with Ethan Mars. And now I would never regret doing that, because hearing his story and knowing there was someone who was going through the same as me right now made me feel much more understood with my own feelings, thoughts and the situation. "Movement on the front doors! Keep in position! On my call!" I heard and saw the whole situation getting heated up faster than I could blink and Ethan and I were both pushed a little further away by some of the cops to avoid us getting in the way or hurt. My eyes were fixated on the door, no thoughts were crossing my mind anymore. I couldn't think anymore. I just wanted to see my boy. I wanted to know he was fine. I wanted to see him smile as he was calling out for me. For his father. I wanted to hold him again. My .. One of the doors got pushed opened fully now as we saw the injured FBI profiler walking out of the building with his hands raised to avoid getting mistaken by the killer and shot. "Person verified. Agent Norman Jayden." My heart dropped seeing the man come out of the building alone. I froze up. Feeling sick again all of a sudden. Not being able to look at the scene anymore I put my hands on my knees to keep myself steady as i bend down in utter despair. "Two more persons verified. Shaun Mars and .." I flipped my head back up within a second, seeing two little boys walk slowly and terrified out of the building, being visibly overwhelmed by the scenery infront of them. "COLE!" I screamed as I ignored the instructions of the Officers and instead ran towards my son, earning his full attention. "Cole Anderson." The police officer finished his sentence before Cole came running towards me, closely followed by Shaun running up to his own dad. "DAD!", Cole screamed with tears in his eyes before just a few moments later I fell to my knees right before him and hugged him tightly. Keeping him close to me again. Holding him in my arms again. "Dad.." he sobbed in relief and sorrow, as tears started to fall from his face and almost instantly soaked into my clothing due to his face being buried in my chest. "Cole..", I cooed softly. The sight of my son clinging onto me like this while crying made my own tears, that were swelling up for the whole past days now, come out of my eyes. The happiness I felt of seeing my loved son again and keeping him close to me again after so long was more than just a wonderful feeling to me. Blending out everything around us, I memorized everything carefully. In that moment all I cared about was him. Even though I knew it wouldn't always be like this, I could only feel the comfort in keeping my boy close.

But as it is, not everything was supposed to have a happy ending. The luck is not always on your side. It runs out. I just would have never guessed that my luck would run out so soon again. Only one year later. One fucking year after this nightmare. A car crash. Just one mistake from a stranger. One second. Just one moment. And it should all be over in the blink of an eye, sending me back into the darkest places of my mind. That's what the future had planned for me. And there was nothing I could do about it. ➥ 𝚏𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚑𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚎𝚗𝚍. 7th November 2038, 1:19am, Riverside Park I breathed out heavily feeling somewhat relieved of getting this off my chest. As soon as I finished speaking, the cold winter air hit me once again, leaving me unfazed. "That's how my son was saved the first time but he.." I stopped talking due to the discomfort I felt when speaking about it, so I just stared at the view in front of me - Detroit glowing bright at night while the water reflected the lights on its surface. I took another sip from my beer before looking down at the bench I was sitting on, replaying everything that has happened back then in my head yet again. "I'm here now, hank." I was quick to look up at the sudden but calm voice talking to me, seeing Connor standing next to me with what seemed to be sympathy in his eyes as the wind hit my face more lightly once more. I looked at him for a while, only now noticing the similarities he had to Cole in his presence. I carefully started memorizing everything about him, like I did with Cole back at the old Warehouse and as if it was the last time I'd ever see his face again. But in reality I was actually finding a little bit of my own peace in him. Now replaying all of the moments I had with the detective android instead of the horrible events from the past years. We both stayed silent before I sighed out again, this time more relieved and with a slight smile on my face. We then turned our attention back at the beautiful view of Detroit, but now something was different than just a moment ago. It was much fuller with life and the silence wasn't as heavy as it was before. Maybe Connor was right after all. Maybe it was actually worth living for others. Maybe there's more to life than just what you've lost. Maybe I can believe in myself again and maybe he was the one who was able to change my way of seeing things in life. The first time for years now my thoughts were calm again, as I kept replaying the soothing words from the android in my mind. 𝐈'𝐦 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐰.

[artsy-hobbitses]

So you already have ttb anime opening songs list. Do you have a ttb anime closing songs list as well?

Follow up from here for those curious!

SEASON 1 (Pre-War) Ending: Fukisusabu kaze no naka de by WAG (Gensomaden Saiyuki)

Running along the edge of the cliff We decide not to look back Not speaking even one word Always without repentance Looking up at the sky The pouring rain falls down And as we wonder if it had let up It starts falling again on our heads If we stir up our emotions, We can easily determine our dreams Determine our love, Our friends, our lives In the midst of the raging wind Can I really throw away my pride? The colors of regret and truth Make my heart dance In these revolutionary days, I Always want to stay with you!

I feel like I don't need to explain the reason behind this choice on the account of it sounding like a Badass Ikemen Quartet and the HYSTERICAL amount of MegOP in. If you want men enthusiatically belting out Gay Subtext devotion-in-love-and-friendship rock type themes, Saiyuki's been doing that since the early 2000s. This theme is so Barricade Boys I'm slapping it on any modern iteration of Les Amis de l'ABC. (Also I have Lambros on my mind and it WILL NOT STOP just imagine them, Hotrod and Bee on vocals)

SEASON 2 Ending: Uso by SID (FMA Brotherhood)

Say, the sky we saw that day, That scarlet sky Do you remember it from that day? We made a promise and a vow While the early summer wind circled us And we clung close together Your forced smile Holds elongated shadows I pretend not to notice and continue on All the while waiting for you To deliver some news at the table Empty nights and mornings that will never arrive I could see them from a mile away Say, the sky we saw that day, That scarlet sky I'm sure you'll remember it one day While holding the promise we couldn't keep We take our first steps down out own paths

A narrative follow-up from the blow-out between the Rebellion in Season One, who are now divided into the Decepticons and the Autobots. Do you remember our promise and what we fought for? I'm sure you will some day, says OP, even as we walk different paths now.

SEASON 3: Ending: Mind Game by Tamaki (Tiger & Bunny)

I daydreamed in a corner Of the city stained ash-gray And somehow I started pondering My raison d'etre But I never know myself & dreams & truth anymore, anymore… more… In this wretched world, I asked myself, "Just what can I do?" Because I got the feeling that your smile taught me that Pain like discovering the light touched me: Yes, that's the feeling I got In order to attain an ephemeral dream by their own hands, All people lose sight of even eternal truth The one who gave light to the indelible, sad tomorrow Was none other than just one (I want to believe) We can share both the past and the future, always!

Rung (Past) and Sari (Future). Also fourth stanza is very Sari to Isaac. Also Drift/Ratchet, as Drift defects to the Autobots this season.

SEASON 4 Ending: Every Heart by BOA (Inuyasha)

Tell me babe How many times I've shed my tears? Every heart Every heart is not a gentle one Why can't I I can never share my loneliness? Every heart doesn't know what to say or what to do Was afraid of darkness cause I felt like I was left alone So I prayed for help to a distant million stars Round and round the planets revolve around the sun And they always seek after love and peace forever more Growing, growing whoa baby we can work it out Look up at the sky, every heart is shining on today

'Every heart is not a gentle one' feat. Sunstreaker/Sideswipe's blowout, Windblade and Starscream's sort-of-relationshing angst (as Starscream tries and fails to show her that the man she believes still lives inside him---that hopeful senator from the past---is dead, when he UGH falls into the trap of being a Decent Man)

Also a lonely LONELY season feat. Mirage with Hound Missing and his Ironhide-induced crisis.

Last stanza hitting the 'Autobots rebuilding On Griffin Rock And Finding Reasons To Hope For Tomorrow Even As It Gets Ever Harder' mood.

SEASON 5 Ending: Alone by Mikuni Shimokawa (Gensomaden Saiyuki)

All of the people coming and going Bear heavy burdens, Searching for tomorrow Within the heat haze wavering in the distance Feelings like sand Falling through my hands… Back then, the words that pierced my heart Suddenly started to throb with pain, but… I've searched for pieces of myself, counting the endless nights all the while. These feelings are becoming so certain I almost lose myself Right now, without fail I will walk forward However far

Because I REALLY wanted to end on this BEAUTIFUL note and it's my series kfhsdgfjsdgfjsfh but seriously:

First stanza encapsulates how the war has affected everyone, Decepticons and Autobots alive, who are now working together and genuinely had always wanted a better tomorrow for everyone.

"I've searched for pieces of myself" stanza, like literally 85% of the cast is in goddamn pieces at the moment and are holding on by their Nakama Thread. It's everyone--Megatron, Mirage, Starscream, OP himself, RUNG, the Lambros, Drift, YOU NAME IT.

This version of the song will be used over the finale itself which will show rebuilding efforts/how the cast is doing post-war. Stuff covered will be, among others:

Sideswipe waking up from his coma and his garbled proposal to Strongarm

Windblade visiting Starscream in prison as she tries to comfort Starscream who's messy snotty crying in happiness that she finally managed to pass a bill to outlaw the creation of new CCs so no child will ever go through what he went through.

OP reading/writing with Megs who's in prison.

Laserbeak and Soundwave helping Ravage with his physical therapy as he slowly regains use of his legs.

Wreckers and Springer visiting Kup's grave with Dakshi who is now Springer's dog.

Hound introducing Mirage to his parents

Prowl front row at Jazz's concert.

Bee and Co finally get their degrees.

Lightbright exploring the universe with her new Titan

A decorated mural of the Autobots and Decepticons who died in the final battle against Unicron.

[sororalice]

On The Blessedness Of Mourning

A homily for the New Moon on October 2, 2024.

Dearly Beloved,

Blessed New Moon in Libra, and a double Libra, no less!

On this New Moon, I find myself in mourning. I am in mourning for Palestine and Lebanon, for Ukraine, for the victims of gun violence in America, and (always) for women, BIPOC, queer people, and the poor and disabled everywhere. I find myself praying fervently that all of those in need, all of those who have found themselves exploited, victimized, harmed, or in need find relief in the scales of blessed and divine Justice, however they—or you, dear reader—may know Her. May your tears be wiped away, your wounds and sicknesses be healed, and your bellies be filled.

So mote it be.

I am also in mourning for a very personal loss I should have felt 26 years ago, a loss that I hid behind a veil of guilt so I that didn’t have to feel it, the loss of a whole life that could have been but never was.

As such, I find myself moved to speak about that special grief that feels like a hole in our chests, that grief that feels like the end of the world. I find myself moved to speak about the sadness that sits quietly weeping at the side of an open grave, the loss that screams at the sky in the middle of a thunderstorm, the pain that sits in stunned silence at the end of a final phone call.

I am moved to speak upon mourning.

I have lost many people in my life, not just to death but also to time and change, those other absolutes of our natural world that stand next to death. And some people have lost me. The same forces that take people away from us can take us away from other people. There are the people who I thought were my best friends, the loves I thought would be forever, even the people who I used to be, the shards of crystallized self that once brought me into focus but, over time, ceased to serve me. I have loved and mourned them all.

And it has been heartbreaking.

Again and again, my heart has been split open, soft and vulnerable, laid bare by the past, by the memories and experiences that made me grow and change and become far more than I could have ever been without them. I have been hounded by thoughts that wound from behind, by the fantasies of what could have been (if only), and by the empty moments that are revealed by the absence of those we love.

And in these times, I have sometimes tried to avoid the feelings. I would drink or smoke or fuck myself into a temporary oblivion. I would hide myself in stories and music. And of course, as anyone who knows me can attest, I would find escape through endless hours of games.

I have always so loved games.

But life isn’t a game. The people we come to know and love during our lives are the really-real, the true truth. They give us some of the few signposts we can count upon to show us our way in a world that is often confusing and frightening. It is through seeing the good in others that we often come to admire the good. It is through seeing others be kind that we often come to value kindness. And it is through loving others that we often come to understand what it could possibly mean to be loved.

Unfortunately, this incredible joy, this continuous growth into a new creature based in love and shared vulnerability, comes with a price: it is temporary. Every person, place, thing, or situation we fall in love with, including ourselves, will come to an end. Even the universe as a whole, according to most accounts of the universe both scientific and mythical, will someday come to an end. The light will go stale, the darkness will grow tired, and the gods will sweep the floor and put the chairs up on the tables. The party will, at long last, be over. All over but the crying.

The mourning.

So what does it mean to mourn? What do we do when we wail over the dead, over the lost, over the endings of things we’d once felt like were forever? What is the meaning of our grief? These are questions so heavy that they can break our backs, can make us get stuck in our mourning, because whatever else mourning is, it is a process, and processes can get stuck, can get derailed, can get postponed. We can get trapped in our mourning, turn our mourning into a blanket that we pull over ourselves, nice and warm, until it becomes suffocating. We can fall in love with our mourning and make it a part of our identity.

At least, I know that I can.

But mourning is a gift, a way of honoring those people and situations that we love. We offer up our grief and tears, our sad and suddenly empty moments, to what has come to an end. We offer up our weeping and our beloved memories of what we once had on the altar of our love. They are a solemn treasure, given in honor of what was, and such a treasure is holy.

There are many who become impatient or annoyed by mourning, by the time that it takes and the energy that it uses. In our world, where “optimization” has become embraced as a universal good, mourning is singularly less than optimal. It grants no advantage over competitors in the market, it doesn’t gain likes or subscribers, and even worse, mourning doesn’t care about any of that…all mourning wants is to finish mourning. The “Spirit Of Mourning” wants our tears and our hours, our dreams and our memories, so how can we blame those who become impatient, who want us to “just get over it” and “move on”? They want us to be fun again, to be available again, to have space for them in our hearts again.

And the secret of mourning is that we will be fun again…someday. The tears will come to an end and we will find ourselves looking forward to the future again. As nature teaches us, Winter always comes…and it always comes to an end. But until then we must hold our tears tight. We must let ourselves mourn.

So let us embrace the crying, dear siblings. Let us embrace the sighing, the empty moments of staring into space. Let us embrace the terrible feeling of absence, that forlorn feeling of lack that feels like it will tear us apart. Because in that place of loss, of lack, of mourning, there is a beauty, a tribute, a loving offering.

So let us love each other deeply, dearly beloved, and let us miss each other when we are gone.

Let us mourn.

Happy New Moon.

In love,

Soror Alice

Art: Frederick Ellwell, “The Wedding Dress”, (1911)

[angeltreasure]

Could you give me some advice or i don’t even know but anything that you have learned on your journey with God or in general as a Catholic for not doing or experiencing stuff in the world that most people see as amazing or fulfilling and I guess for more context like when people say that some things that are the best and brag about doing things or going places like I know a lot of it can come down to Instagram but I guess in real life too.

I still think I’m early in my faith journey so there’s still a lot I’m learning, but before I knew God I would be one of those people who tried to keep up with the world and would stress but try to show off what I’d done or so called cool things but actually I was really sad so I know it can be lies. It’s so hard sometimes because I think this is something that is used against me to try and stress me out and no matter how many times I say I’m done, it sfill gets me sometimes

Good Morning!,

I know exactly what you are going through, because I experienced this myself growing up in picking schools. We had all kinds of trends growing up and everyone wanted to keep up with the latest trend, the newest popular fashion of high quality brands, who could get the most piercing, who could download Snapchat to get that dog face filter, who could do the best duck face, who could get the best senior year photo, who had the most animal bracelets made of rubber bands, who bought the latest bracelet being sold by the after school group, etc etc etc.

Before we know it, we find ourselves a clone of the rest of the boys or girl and now we have anxiety trying to meet impossible expectations and try to fit in so the crowd doesn’t make us outcasts. You’ll find yourself sad and empty, with a void in your heart that can never be filled. The void in your heart is a God shaped hole that only God Himself can fill.

When we examine ourselves as Catholics, we need to stop and take a step back. All the friend circles all the social media all the shows and fashions are of “the world”. They live in the blue sphere but not you, no. Before you can call yourself a student of this school, a student of this college, a baseball player, a cheerleader, a goth, a girly girl, a cosplayer, a Trekkie, a political party, any label, your identity in God comes first. You are a child of God. Look at this verse that I think of often, it’s one I read at my grandma’s funeral:

For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is written: “’As surely as I live,’ says the Lord, ‘every knee will bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God.’” So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.

- Romans 14:7-13

You don’t need to keep up with the world. Let the world have its rat race. You are very special. You have the ability to pray for all these people that you feel you need to keep up with. Think of how many do not even know how to pray and thank our Lord. You can be like the only leper that gave thanks to Jesus for healing. Stop searching for your true self in trends. This is who you really are, check this out!:

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, a God! How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalm 139:1-18

If you ever forget who you are and what you must do, I highly recommend getting a cup of tea or coffee and a little snack, find a comfy place to sit, and open your canon Bible’s New Testament to read the Sermon on the Mount. You can find most answers you probably have about how one must act as a child of God. I never get bored of it.

We have new challenges in our age with the fast information bombarding us everyday, especially with the use of social media. Using social media isn’t in the Sermon on the Mount specifically, but we can learn from Tradition on how to we can use social media with a greater purpose for good. The Vatican released this document that I highly recommend every Catholic to read as soon as possible.

[baku-usagi]

So my tav is Baku, which is kind of the placeholder name I give all my first game ocs 😂

Her story goes like this

Her parents were a young couple from. The country side, he father a human, her mother A tiefling. Not a lot of racism towards tieflings in their part of. The boonies. He joined the military, and worked his way up. The ranks, and with his wife pregnant, he. Receives the promotion of a life Time in balders gate! It's too good a deal to resist and he takes it, but like many men who get with women from different ethnicities, he ends  up getting redpilled by his new coworkers who have less good opinions about tieflings. He's ashamed of his wife and their newborn tiefling child, and does his best to distance himself from the concept of their race.

Baku knows from a young age her father resents her, and does everything she can do earn his love and approval but he is unmoveable, she watches her mother stay inspite her father's new found mistreatment..

Eventually against his wishes she joins up in the military in the hopes that she can make him Proud through service.

She works hard and quickly becomes one of the finest soldiers in the force but many amongst the ranks have issues with tieflings and haze/harass her. She does her best to be a model soldier inspite of this.

But unfortunately after several years on the force she snaps on a group of soldiers shit talking her people calling them devil folk. She confronts them and they beat the shit out of her at the stables, holding her head under the water trough and almost drowning her.

Her father manages to intervene in time, but instead of punishing the soldiers or supporting her, he angrily reprimands her, saying she should be keeping her head down better instead of attracting trouble.

Hurt physically and emotionally she finds herself in the church of ilmater, offering some sad prayer for Comfort. A paladin finds her there and offers her a booklet about oaths, he tells her of a convent that is always looking for able bodied young recruits. She leaves that same day and starts her journey as a paladin, resonating most with the tenants of vengeance.

She spends her time defending any. Who cannot protect themselves, picking fights with racists of any brand, and helping as many tiefling as she can, getting to reconnect with her culture in the process.

After years of this, she realized the person she hadn't yet gotten vengeance for was herself.

Suffering mental Health and wanting to overcome her feelings that she'd be better dead, or rather never born, she tries to channel This into anger at her father, deciding to meet him and demand answers/hold him accountable.

She finds him just as he was when she left, her mother still with him.

She ends up Fighting her father after a heated exchange of words, winning by a land slide. Beat and battered her father tells her his daughter died years ago, and she needed to leave before he called for backup.

She tries to convince her Mother to leave but her mom knows no other life.

She officially cuts ties, feeling utterly defeated.

Less then a week later she's taken by the mind flayers and wormed

The story of the game ensues, and she finds herself loosing faith In. The divine. Vengeance left her empty.

She confronts the tiefling trying to kill the caged goblin. Telling her what she knows to be true, that the veangance won't make it better.

As the words leave her mouth her oath breaks, leaving her terrified at the feet of a larger then life suit of armor, who tells her she's Lost something.

She decides she wants freedom. Freedom from all of it..

"tired of doctrine and dogma, I wanted freedom" she told the oathbreaker.

And thus the journey continues.

She falls deeply in love with gale

There is obviously a lot more but that's the gist!

Please tell me all about y'alls tavs/durges!!!

@breadedsinner @catsquirrelgurl!

[strawberry-plant]

Sometimes the sadness feels unbearable.It’s like a heavy weight pulling me down and I don’t have the energy to even try to stand up.

I need something to pull me out of this because I can’t do it myself.I always seems to need something or someone worth getting up for.I always look for something out of myself because I don’t feel like I’m worth the effort on my own.That’s why I buy things or put all my energy into other people,because I don’t see the point in trying just for me.

I found someone who is worth getting out of bed for,the problem is,I’m so far away from that person and that in itself,is depressing.If they were here.

Sometimes I wonder I’m even worth it anyway.Why would anyone want to be with a mess like me?How can you love a person who is just a shell of what they’re supposed to be?All I want is to get back to myself.A couple of months ago it felt like I was coming back to life,even my eyes looked different.They had this light in them that I hadn’t seen for years and I started actually smiling instead of fake smiling in photos.Now I’m back to being that dead,empty shell again.I don’t know what happened.

I feel so overwhelmed by everything,I just try to block everything out.I just want this to go away.I don’t want to give up.I don’t want to let everything slip away from me and to always be left regretting that I didn’t try hard enough to make everything that I dream about a reality.

Sometimes I feel like I should delete every single app on my phone or lock myself out of them with a password.I use my phone to distract myself from how miserable I am but the thing is,I think I need to be miserable.I think I need to look around and let reality hit me hard in the face.I think I need to sit on the floor and have a complete breakdown because I don’t know what to do.I think I need to consider suicide and write a letter explaining why I couldn’t handle life anymore and how everyone is better off with out me anyways,and then I need to get up off of the floor,find a lighter and burn that letter.Then I need to run a bath,wash the sadness off of my skin and out of my hair and find something to eat and drink and go to bed with the moon shining in through my window and I’ll look at it and know that I’m going to survive another night.I’ll make it until the sun comes up and I’ll try again.

I think that being constantly distracted by devices stops a lot of that necessary process.Sometimes you need to go insane to get yourself out of it.Bottling things up doesn’t work.It just makes you turn numb or resort to self harm.I can’t say that I don’t think of it every day because I do.It’s been almost 8 months now.The urges get worse until I eventually relapse,it happens every single time since I was 11.It doesn’t make me feel the way it used to though.I try to remember that.It’s like a drug that in the end,no amount is even enough so it’s never really worth the trouble and stress and pain that it causes.I saw something triggering in one of my accounts the other day that made me think of it more.I’m trying to get those thoughts out of my head.

I don’t want to be that person anymore anyways,but I do miss the version of me that would go through all the pain and come out of the other side of it and no one even knew what I had been through,not even my own parents.I wondered how that was even possible.I’d spent all night fighting with my mind and not one person ever looked at me and noticed that I wasn’t okay.I didn’t even have anybody to tell that I wasn’t because I knew that wouldn’t understand why I felt the way I did.They made me feel crazy every time I tried to explain so I just stopped even trying and told my notes or this app about it instead.

My point is,since around 2017,when I got a phone that wasn’t as slow as fuck,I turned to it as a distraction even more than I did in the past and I lost myself in it.Even when I deleted TikTok,I found this other app where I met my favourite human and I’ve filled up my time on there so I don’t have to think or feel and so I can pretend that my life is less of a mess than it actually is.When do I ever actually face reality?When do I ever stop hiding?Why am I doing the same thing right now?When the fuck am I going to learn my damn lesson?The real world is out there,not on a fucking screen.

The progress I’m making is so painfully slow.I need things to speed up.I need to become unrecognisable from the person I was this time last year.I don’t want to spend another year like this.I’d sooner admit myself into a mental hospital than carry on with this life any longer.

I don’t know what to do right now exactly.Have a nap and see if I feel better afterwards?Listen to songs on YouTube that remind me of the worst times of my life so I can have a full on mental breakdown and get it out of my system and move on?Go have a bath just so I can feel some warmth to forget how painfully alone I am?make some food because maybe not eating a proper meal all day isn’t helping with the mood swings?or maybe I should just lay here in the dark,switching from one app to the other,numbing and distracting myself until I fall asleep hungry,still needing to pee,still needing a shower,surrounded by mess that I should have sorted out and I’ll wake up at 2am feeling guilty and alone and I’ll get up and feed the cats and just wish I hadn’t have woken up at all.Yeah,that sounds about right.

[moondal514]

Some fic reading numbers to wrap up 2022

In 2022 I bookmarked on ao3 1610 new fics (though only about 500 of those are in my public bookmarks). The fandom I read the most for was AFTG, accounting for a whopping 1271 of those new bookmarks

Here’s a multi-fandom list of 10 of my favorites of all the fics I read in 2022. I limited myself to only choosing from fics that aren’t a part of series or WIPs cuz otherwise I prob wouldn’t be able to limit it to only 10.

In no particular order:

Fandom: Alice in Wonderland

The Red Country by jibrailis

Before Alice ever fell down the rabbit-hole, there were two girls who found Wonderland first and who became, respectively, the White Queen and the Queen of Hearts. [Alice in Wonderland prequel].

One of the best wlw stories I’ve ever read

Fandom: The Book Thief/The Hunger Games

Pistol for a Mouth (the Perpetual Survivor Remix) by antistar_e/ @kaikamahine

”Well? How do I look?” He stood in front of her and fisted his hands atop his hips, and Liesel immediately covered her mouth.

Coal dust smeared him black head-to-toe, except for a bare patch that shaped the number “12” on his chest. She drew closer, whispering, “Rudy, it’s even in your ears!” [Hunger Games AU.]

Lovely but incredibly sad reintroduction to 2 books I hadn’t thought about since middle school

Fandom: Star Wars

those immortal dead by notbecauseofvictories/ @notbecauseofvictories

I care more for that long age which I shall never see than for the little of Time that I hold

Padmé Amidala is forgotten, not gone.

Lovely revisit of my favorite Star Wars character

Fandom: Coco

Work of All Saints by antistar_e

-

Her mother sends her a letter, after. We cannot help you, Imelda, it says. You are the consequence of your actions.

"This is not my fault!" Imelda shouts.

-

Imelda Rivera (b. 1899 - d. 1969), a story that includes but is not limited to: the finest music school this side of the Santo Domingo, three traveling musicians and the mess they made of love, the twice-cursed assassination of Venustiano Carranza, all the patron saints, and ninety-six ways a man can try to cross a bridge.

Best piece of historical fiction I read this year

Fandom: All For the Game

We Can Live Forever by mostly_maudlin/ @mostlymaudlin

PALMETTO HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETIC FUNDRAISER

WINTER SERENADES - $5 EACH

On sale Dec. 15-17 during lunch blocks. Support our teams, and let them show your friends how much you care through choreographed song and dance!

Participation in the fundraiser is mandatory for all student-athletes. Maybe none of this would have happened if they weren't pushed out of their comfort zones. (But honestly, maybe it was always going to end this way.)

A story about the joys of competition, the people in your corner, and, of course, the misfortune of being a teenager in love with your best friend.

Fic that cheered me up immensely during my lowest days of this year

Spark like empty lighters by butallmystars/ @butallmystars

Honestly, Andrew is just glad his number isn’t blocked. He thumbs at the lighter in his back pocket. Weighs the risk of numb fingers if he smokes with his free hand. And stops thinking entirely when the call connects.

There’s rustling—silence, and then: “Didn’t I get rid of you?”

3rd ever fic to make me physically cry

hold my hand, hold it tight by jingerhead/ @jingerhead

Neil sat alone in the kitchen and wasn’t sure if he could stomach the tea anymore. He’d had over six months to learn that Andrew was very much off-limits, but knowing that didn’t stop the clusterfuck happening in his brain. Because although Neil had never had a crush before he wasn’t stupid, alright? He knows that being jealous of someone else’s relationship has to at least mean something.

So, yeah. Neil has a crush on his roommate, Andrew Minyard, who just so happens to be dating his other roommate, Kevin Day. The whole thing sounds like the setup to a bad romcom.

1st ever fic gifted to me, won at my 1st ever fic giveaway

glass in the trees (objects in the rearview) by Major_816

Sometimes, Andrew thinks in ichor, and sometimes Andrew thinks in a mausoleum of god worship and tragedy.

2nd ever fic to make me physically cry

it takes two (but you and I are one) by kairospy/ @kairospy

Sometimes, not often — not enough for it to be concerning — he felt too much like him.

Andrew noticed the very moment Nathaniel walked into the locker room.

:*:*:

Nathaniel Wesninski had been dormant for too long.

Absolutely fascinating take on Nathaniel vs. Neil and just mind-boggling amazing prose

Hush, Don’t Say a Word by waterwings/ @amywaterwings

Excerpt from local newspaper, January 10, 2016

A Killer Is on the Loose at Palmetto State. Are You Safe?

For a detailed re-telling of the gruesome events that gripped the Palmetto State campus over the past eight months, please see the pages below. But I beg you, dear reader, tread lightly. You don’t know what’s waiting for you, out there in the dark.

~Katelyn Golightly, Student Journalist

Probably one of my favorite pieces of writing ever period

-

Thank you so much to all you fic writers out there. You guys make life that much more bearable

Here’s to 2023 being a year of lots of more lovely fic reading 😊

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I cant remember if i already sent in an ask, but i dont know what to do. Seven months ago, my dad relapsed back into his alcoholism. One night he got drunk, left my mom in an empty parking lot where my brother and I had to pick her up, and when we got home he had trashed all her things and threw her stuff out onto the front steps. It isn't the first time he's done this, my whole child it's all I can really remember him doing, but for awhile things were okay. Once he saw us though, he was an animal. He attacked my brother and they fought and we all had to pin my dad down while he screamed he'd kill us all. Once we thought it was okay to let him up, he lunged for my mom and my brother took the hit and they fought again. I had to call his brother, my uncle, to try and reason or stop him.

He nearly starts fighting my uncle, breathing heavily and his eyes just wild. I remember staring him dead in the face while he threatened he'd put a 40 in our skulls and kill us. That night we grabbed what we could and slept at my uncle's. The next morning, he felt guilty and apologized repeatedly but I blocked his number and refused to speak or see him. I still live at home though, meaning I'm still in a way in contact with him.

I'm done. I can't take it anymore, and what's worse is I'm alone in this decision. My dad is by no means a perfect person, I'm not either, nobody is. But this was too much and I've made my choice. My mother keeps trying to convince me to heal and accept my dad because he's an addict and given different circumstances, if I had an addiction or eating disorder, they wouldn't just abandon me right? But it's not the same, it really isn't.

I do have an eating disorder, I have CPTSD, I'm in pain and have been for a long time but I handle it and it's not something I let them see or know. What's his excuse. He's been abusive, manipulative, vile, and I can't forgive him.

I guess recently my dad had a small heart attack, and who knows maybe he'll die soon. But I don't feel anything about it. There's no anger, no sadness, no rage, just nothing. Maybe I'm in shutdown. Regardless, I'm not sure what's right anymore. I'm going to be saving up to move out, and if I don't have enough then I'll live in my car. He can kick me out for all I care. I can't stay anymore, not here.

Rent is insane where I live, I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to save or if I'll even achieve this goal, but I need to do something. Everyday gets worse and I can't keep waiting for another bomb to go off, or for my mother to comfort me by saying "the bomb is okay, accept it." She asked me to go a therapy session with her you know, mother daughter therapy. At first I agreed but after what she said today, she can forget it. Even after all this time, she doesn't understand. She never will.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. There is absolutely no obligation to forgive him. It's reasonable to resent him even if his behavior is related to substance abuse or whatever other excuse is given. Even if someone adequately takes accountability for their actions (which it sounds like he doesn't) you still don't have to forgive them, and it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to still feel hurt. It almost sounds like your mom is an enabler. You've seen a long pattern of violent, threatening, and hurtful behavior from your father, and so it makes sense why it's so hard to be convinced that he's something better. It's okay to not worry or even grieve if your dad passes away, especially in context. Do consider that if these violent episodes continue, it may be necessary to call the authorities, though it can definitely be easier said than done.

Although I completely understand your reasons for not wanting to go to therapy with your mom, being able to speak with a therapist could potentially help you a lot in processing these experiences and your feelings surrounding them, regardless of whether or not your mom benefits from it. It could be an opportunity to meet with that therapist individually as well, and they may be able to see the situation for what it truly is.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions feel free to add on, otherwise I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[heinzpilsner]

It's basically me analysing things with Yon Rha again, but withot being too offensively unempathic and biased, lol

Hey, I'm trying, you can give me that at least!

(Perhaps if I didn't ignore all my notifications, I'd get it faster, but hey, I quite enjoy my little intellectual puzzle here so far. Don't wanna spoil it for myself with interactivity, lol)

Okay, thinking of Katara's encounter with Yon Rha not through the prizm of my zutara brainrot now (not gonna pretend it is not affecting my judgment, it most definitely still is, lol), maybe I'm not giving enough credit to the cognitive/informational component of this event.

(Your honour, there are so many components in here, and whose components have components on their components! You can't expect me to juggle all of them at the same time and not ending up like Zuko during his date with Jin, lol)

Previously I said it was a fruitless trip, but I didn't really take into account the specifics of the case - the ones connected to learning Yon Rha's side of the story and seeing him as a person, - as well as more subtle psychological consequences of the encounter. But as I said early, I'm not a psychologist (also, not the most emphatically gifted person around, as you already can tell I guess, yikes), and my understanding of intricacies of such inner workings is quite limited.

Also, there is a thing to consider - I don't know much about the writer, and how psychologically competent she was. Of course, I could go full "author is dead" approach here and try and read really hard into this case as if it was a real life event (I wouldn't be surprised if someone much more competent than I already did it though), but... I'm trying working through "what author really implied by this" logic when analysing tSR because I respect the writer's ability to build a coherent psychological narrative within her work - given how ambitious she was with the complexion of chosen topics, you'd expect no less from her. Just throwing a bunch of random events on your audience end expect them to built their customised narrative out of it may be a fun postmodern game, but... Just but, I guess.

What I'm saying here is that there's two things about the encounter that can be easily noticed even by most casual watchers but not by me apparently geez.

First of them is that Katara learns there was a reason behind her mother's death - namely, Katara's waterbending. Oh boy. What can I say? I guess the girl could live without the guilt and painful associations connected to her bending produced by the knowledge. Another point to my "maybe facing Yon Rha wasn't such a great idea after all" argument, I guess.

Still, it was important for Katara to learn about her mother's last moments and sacrifice. It was pretty insensitive of me to overlook this fact in my previous analysis (... and I can only imagine how many people I potentially pissed off by this, oops. In my defence though - the whole "revenge" context was pretty distracting). I guess you can't call the trip completely fruitless then - althouht the fruits, may I say, were bittersweet at best and sour at worst.

(Thinking about it now, it's kinda curious that the only truly valuable thing Zuko got from his "closure" with Ozai well, except for the valuable opportunity to practice his lightening redirection was information about his mum as well, even though it wasn't his initial intention. Was it a deliberate parallel, I wonder?

... Wait a minute, why it wasn't Zuko's intention though? It would make much more sense, if you ask me. Oh well, I guess writers had too many things to juggle on their hands as well.)

Another thing is that at the start of the episode Yon Rha was a "monster" for Katara, and then he became just an empty sad man to her. I take it as a deliberate point the writer made. But what exactly does it mean within the narrative? Just a fact of life? A thing for Katara (and audience) to reflect on with no real consequences within the plot?

Or was Yon Rha's personality somehow connected to why Katara forgave Zuko, after all? But how, exactly?

I can only think of juxtaposition. "Look at this guy, Zuko is not so empty and cares about his mum, hence he's worth of forgiveness" kind of logic. But... I mean, Zuko has many problems obviously but emptiness was never one of them, lol. It still counted, perhaps - amongst other small weights on the scales (the weight of it depends entirely on Katara's previous assessment of Zuko's personality though, and I have reasons to believe it wasn't so unflattering at this point).

Does this whole 'cognitive' perspective rearrange my understanding of the reasons behind Katara's forgiveness of Zuko? Yep.

Looking at the trip as meaningful for Katara now (Zuko helped her to learn about her mother's sacriface), it makes much more sense to me. Many of my previous arguments still stand, but the weight shifted more towards platonic reasons (I mean, on one hand, this reason is linked to their connection in Ba Sing Se and reinforces it, but on the other, it's a rational reason for forgiveness, as opposed to irrational ones).

Which feels more appropriate by being less shippy, even though it was fun to compose bizzare conspiracy theories about secretly coded zutara puzzle left by the writer for us to decipher, lol (Your honour, the writer was zutara, it wouldn't be that unlikely!)

It's all about interpretations though. As I said, there are so many components in here you can easily transform the context by shifting the weights as you like.

(Ugh, my posts manage to become obsolete so fast. But hey, it's my live thinking process you're looking at, what do you expect, lol?

I'm not trying to create perfect things for people to repost or something. It's just me playing with my mind to relax. It's nice.)