#but it makes me sad at the passage of time. can i be 9 years old again please

[sebnameyourcar]

hmmm. felt a bittersweet feeling.

[oldguardleatherdog]

I am being smeared as a "predatory transphobe" to hundreds of thousands of people by Rainbow Passage, a so-called "trans rescue" nonprofit that's covering up its safety failures and misconduct by attacking me and placing my family in danger. Deliberately.

There's a headline I'll bet you never thought you'd see on this blog, and you can be sure I never expected to write it, but here we are. I want you to hear about it from me first before the smear campaign against me poisons your feed.

Regular readers know that I've been fighting for LGBTQ+ civil rights for nearly 40 years, with an emphasis on mobilizing against the "trans panic" sweeping America the past two years, the horrific laws already in place, and the stark plans for eradication laid out in Project 2025. The notion that I'm "transphobic" in any way is absurd. But -

Three weeks ago, YouTube streamer trolls went to the Rainbow Passage website - their unsecured, login-free website - looking for dirt that could bring their operations to a halt. They found my picture and bio listed as a director for the organization.

That was all they needed, and in short order I was the star of several full-length videos and livestreams featuring breathless, jeering takes on my kink life, my history, my family, my age, my AIDS, my September 11th survival (suddenly I was "running the organization" and "hosting 9/11 reenactment roleplays!"), my looks, my unsuitability to be involved with a trans rescue organization, and everything you can imagine a middle-school playground would highlight. At this writing, I've been held out for ridicule, harassment, and threats ("it's time for this dogfucker to be euthanized") to a quarter-million people and counting.

Why?

Because Rainbow Passage failed to implement even the most basic security on that website, despite my multiple warnings in board meetings that this scenario was likely to happen and that we were prime targets for this kind of abuse.

To be honest, everything that the streamers made fun of me for has been said and done to me a thousand times a year for the past 30 years. Heard it all before, nothing new, just the same old "lookit the AIDS-ridden perv faggot old man pretending to be a dog, hurr durr hurr durr!". All those hours of video and they couldn't come up with anything new? These people need better writers.

Here's the issue: Two of the leaders of this sad and tiresome brigade (one named "Blowcockx" or something equally clever, the other one is discussed below) seized on a recent exchange I had with a group of leftist "Trans For Trump" (yep, you read that right) that was mobbing me on Bluesky for objecting when someone referred to Biden as "Genocide Joe". These people were vile and vicious, saying that my gender was "shit beard" and lobbing remarks and insults at me that would make a MAGA blush.

One of the Bluesky mob (who may or may not have been transgender) said, "Prove you're an activist," to which I countered, "Okay, prove you're trans." (Screenshots of my three additional replies referencing "fake trans" to their accusations of my being a "fake activist" and other vomitous epithets, along with screenshots of the posts to which I was replying, can be found after the jump.)

During the mob attack on me and Rainbow Passage. a disgruntled former member of the Rainbow Passage community - a 20-year-old trans girl who had first warned me about the YouTube hijacking and who leaked my personal identifying information and private chats with her to the Twitter trolls and worse - went to Clearsky and harvested my replies without the posts I was replying to, leaked them to the YouTube streamers and Twitter trolls, along with selected portions of our lengthy private chat from Discord, then threatened Rainbow Passage with another attack if they didn't "denounce" me and my replies to the disgusting attacks on me by the Trans Trumpers of Bluesky.

To prove her point, this young trans woman and her girlfriend started a thread about me on Kiwi Farms, where I was the featured post for about a week, and told Rainbow Passage that the same would happen to them - and worse, including the revocation of their nonprofit status with the IRS and the end of their ability to raise funds - if they didn't publicly condemn me for my Bluesky attack replies.

And what did the oh-so-courageous chairwoman and board members who "cared so much" about me, do in response to those threats?

They caved. They capitulated. They allowed a troubled individual with an axe to grind and her little gang of fake-outraged trans shitposters to dictate their handling of a serious and sensitive matter where a former director of the organization and his family were in active danger and under siege. These people, who claim to have the bravery to "rescue" endangered trans people from Texas and Florida, folded like a cheap tissue-paper prom dress, revealing their utter lack of integrity, ethics, or courage.

The statement Rainbow Passage put out, which at this writing has been seen by at least 60,000 people on Twitter alone, is filled with false accusations about my attitude toward the transgender members of the LGBTQ+ community, outright lies about my character and conduct, weirdly characterizes me as a predatory stalker, and warns the general public that I am a bad, bad person who should be avoided and shunned as unfit for decent people in a civilized society. They provide ZERO evidence to support any of their claims against me, their accusations and assertions about me, or their characterization of me as "transphobic."

From my statement below: "Rainbow Passage knew that issuing this statement would intensify the threats, harassment, and stalking of me and my family. They issued it anyway. This statement is a willful and malicious act of violence.

"Rainbow Passage caused a queer elder with AIDS to be featured on a website known for harassing LGBTQ+ people to death and driving them from their homes, while smearing him to hundreds of thousands of people and inciting attacks on him and his family - but they want you to trust them to keep our most vulnerable members safe from harm."

If Rainbow Passage can't and won't protect their own staff (and volunteers, and clients) from harmful exposure to malicious attackers online and IRL, and shifts blame for their failures and lapses of care onto the staff members while caving to threats from random kids, how can they be trusted to keep the most vulnerable members of this community safe from harm during one of their "rescue" missions? If something goes wrong and that client ends up in jail, will Rainbow Passage blame the client for that outcome the same way they're blaming me for their colossal failure to keep their own people safe?

Rainbow Passage's rank AIDSphobia, their calculated smear of a four-decade veteran LGBTQ+ and HIV/AIDS activist, their capitulation to threats from an under-21 trans Kiwi Farms shitposter with an axe to grind, and their hateful, craven, deliberate act of putting my family and me in physical danger, show them to be not only a collection of unwise and uncaring individuals who have abused me and betrayed my trust: The current chairwoman, board, and staff of Rainbow Passage are manifestly and utterly unfit to run this organization. They are not capable of keeping our most vulnerable members out of harm's way, they should not be regarded as worthy of our trust in any way, personally or professionally, and the organization needs to be stripped of its nonprofit status and must cease operations so that a new LGBTQ+ and trans rescue group can quickly be established and get to work.

[Alt text and screenshots follow after the jump.]

STATEMENT OF ANIMAL J. SMITH REGARDING THE RAINBOW PASSAGE SMEAR CAMPAIGN

These allegations are false. Rainbow Passage is deliberately and maliciously spreading lies about me to hundreds of thousands of people on this and other platforms in a calculated smear campaign to cover up their reckless disregard for the safety of their vulnerable clients and their failure to protect them. To date, they have provided no explanation or evidence of "transphobic rhetoric and behavior" on my part. They failed to protect me, a former director of the organization, from sustained and brutal online harassment, threats, doxing, and stalking that began more than three weeks ago and continues unabated with the active encouragement of chair Amy Nicole Check and the members of the board, putting me and my family in danger of being driven from our home and causing major distress and disruption to our lives and health.

On Saturday, April 13th, I received word that the Rainbow Passage website had been targeted by YouTube streamers who had seen a rival say good things about the organization and went to the website to find information that would "expose" Rainbow Passage. The trolls found my name and photograph, then went into my public-facing social media and began streaming about me and my life and work.

In several lengthy videos and livestreams, the YouTube trolls held me and my family up for sustained public ridicule, humiliation, and targeted harassment, spreading to more than a quarter-million people details about my personal life, my sex life, my family, my being a survivor of September 11th, the fact that I have AIDS, and every other aspect of my life and history that they could harvest. Although my social media is largely public by design, the contents were never intended to be stolen and distributed to thousands in a malicious manner designed to damage me.

The only reason I was targeted and humiliated in this way is that I was a director for Rainbow Passage and was discovered when the organization's unsecured, login-free website was targeted - a scenario I had warned them about on multiple occasions. Despite my warnings, no security measures were ever implemented. On Monday, April 15th, I resigned my position due to Check's exploding at me in an unprovoked torrent of verbal abuse during a call that afternoon.

My work as an LGBTQ+ and HIV/AIDS activist over the past 38 years (including ACT/UP, Queer Nation SF, AIDS quarantine initiatives, medical cannabis, marriage equality, and prisoners with AIDS) is well known and has always included advocacy for the transgender community. In fact, I have prioritized trans rights activism in response to the rising tide of hatred toward transgender Americans, and I have received support from people in the transgender community who know me and have seen me in action as an activist and a friend.

After an initial offer of help that wouldn't come for a full week, I said that my family and I were in immediate danger, that this was happening solely because I was part of their organization, and that their security failure was to blame. They then instantly denied any responsibility, blamed me for the situation, and withdrew their offer of help. I have been told that they are aware of the ongoing harassment and cyberbullying being directed at my family and me. They knew that this statement would intensify the threats, harassment, and stalking of me and my family. They issued it anyway. This statement is a willful and malicious act of violence.

Rainbow Passage was threatened by the leaders of these attacks that if they did not "denounce" me they would face the loss of their tax-exempt status and worse. As part of the threat, I was featured on the front page of the notorious Kiwi Farms website, a 4chan-like forum known for driving their LGBTQ+ targets into hiding and to suicide.

Rainbow Passage caused a queer elder with AIDS to be featured on a website known for harassing LGBTQ+ people to death and driving them from their homes, while smearing him to hundreds of thousands of people and inciting attacks on him and his family - but they want you to trust them to keep our most vulnerable members safe from harm.

These liars want you to believe the fiction that a four-decade LGBTQ+ activist is a predatory transphobe. They think you'll fall for the stories they're telling and approve of the damage they're causing. What nerve. Their contempt for me - and for you - has no place in our community or in our lives.

- Animal J. Smith, April 25, 2024

[wanderingmind867]

Pretty much ever since my mom died (give or take), I've been taking these online social skills classes (comprised of autistic kids in grades 7-8 of Elementary School and grades 9-12 of High School). It started because my dad and I both felt I needed more practice with social interaction, but I only kept with it because the people who run the program are really, really nice. But for years i've been taking this program (since I can take it as long as I'm in High School). I've been taking it for so long that I don't even remember how many times I've taken it. But I know that this year is going to wind up being my last year of High School. And so that means this is probably my last (or possibly second to last) chance to take this social skills class. And I have very, very mixed opinions on this.

On the one hand, the kids in the classes have been a very mixed bag. Some have been very obnoxious, to the point where I dreaded making a phone call with them. They were noisy and weird and all around uncomfortable to deal with. But some were pretty tolerable. Some of them I still vaguely remember (I suppose it makes sense I can only remember some of them vaguely), and they weren't awful kids. If I were a braver and bolder person, i would have tried to keep in touch with them. But I was never brave or bold enough for that. I have some of their phone numbers, but i'm too cowardly to try to keep in touch with any of the other students.

But beyond the students, the teachers have been amazing too. I actually have sort of kept in touch with one of the teachers, but mostly because my dad helps by making first contact through email. But the teachers for the program are wonderful, and they're probably 90% of the reason I stuck with the thing (because the lessons are always the same each time, and the students are a very mixed bag). But i'll admit, I also kept taking the class because I didn't want to forget the lessons. We practiced social interaction by making phone calls to other students. And even though i always got my dad to help me script some discussion topics for the calls, just making the phone calls themselves was very good practice for me.

So the classes have been very useful for me, I think. I mean… I haven't actually made any new friends from the classes (probably because I don't keep in touch with the people I've called, and they don't keep in touch with me). So on the whole, my friend count is still zero (besides my dad). But I think it's still been good practice for me. Even just practicing calling people and learning the rules of basic social interaction has been helpful for me.

So I'm a little sad that this might be my last time taking the course. I'm scared that if I stop taking it, I'll lose all the lessons it's taught me and i'll end back just as bad socially as I was before I began taking these courses. So thinking about it being my last time makes me feel incredibly nervous, and I really don't like that. It's just yet more stress if an existential variety, shoved on my plate against my will. I hate the passage of time.

[ya-bug-boy]

self aware reader x Emmet and ingo please part 9 please its been a year now🥲

Hm. It has been a while. I think I got some energy to write a chapter or two. Here's some food for you.

Submas x Self Aware Reader Part 9

Despite how utterly bizarre the situation was, you relished in the comfort that Ingo and Emmet gave to you. They were truly the only people that you could talk to, as every other villager that exists in the game you were a part of, simply don't have the self awareness that you possess. Not knowing how the dark magic of the tome could affect them or the consequences of what might happen, you resist the temptation to make them real...making you all alone in this digital world that was your prison.

Though you were reluctant to reveal this dark truth to the twins, they believed you. During your last meal, you had learned many great things about the twins.

You didn't quite understand all of the details they told you about, but generally speaking the two were a pair of monster tamers. They had many monsters, that all had different names and appearances, and instead of fighting against other humans, they engage in combat with other monsters. You would consider them to be fools to cherish monsters so brazenly but these monsters weren't like the ones in your world of Moonspire Kingdom. The monsters in your realm exists to provide an enemy for the farmer characters to fight against; pixels on a screen to them but a monster in the flesh to you.

"I need your help," you say gently after the initial excitement of the twins discovering your existence died down. "Whatever it is, we'll assist you in any way possible," Ingo immediately comments, with a determined look in his eyes.

"Yup! Just tell us what to do!" Emmet immediately chimes in after.

You give the twins a soft smile, before closing your eyes and adjusting your seating posture. "In order for me to escape from this world there are two things we need to do." The twin's posture changes as you do, as the conversation shifts to be more serious. "The quest for the ingredients I need must continue. Among one of the things I urgently need is a specific fish. But it can only be caught in winter..." you give a soft sigh and then continue with your eyes open. "The potion I am making... is invulnerability potion." The twin's expression changes, curious of what you just said. "Invulnerability?" Emmet asks, tilting his head much like a cat.

"The passage from my world to yours is incredibly dangerous. What you consider to be a game is a complete dimension made for your...amusement. In order to break free from this dimension, I must temporarily be able to distort time, space, and reality." When you raise your hand, the room goes dark. When the twins see you again, they see the enchanted Dark Tome, in your hands and your eyes glowing a ghostly pale light. "This Tome has the spell I require to do it. But I risk permanently dying. The invulnerability potion allows me...two minutes of invulnerability. In that time frame, I must escape to your world or be trapped in limbo, between your dimension and mine." This makes both twins drop their jaw in shock. "Why only two minutes?!" Ingo then exclaims.

"Because this potion is meant for you," you tell them. This immediately gets their attention. "You as the farmer and monster slayer, would drink a potion as rare as this, to defeat the impossible monsters you dreamed of killing. Potions never last long for you two, don't they?" You said with a sad smile, as you watch both their expressions churn with disbelief. You were right. Potions that buff a player's abilities would only last for 3 minutes at most, aside from a potion that remedies health or poisons... You close your eyes, the screen goes black, and then you reappear back as you did before, but the tome is nowhere to be seen.

"Secondly, I require you two to go to the countryside."

"The country?" Both twins ask. "We need lots of space to build a wall, at least 8 by 8 feet. You will need to draw a rune on a blank wall." With the gesture of the hand, a scroll flies over to you and you show the twins the rune. "I've seen that before!" Emmet immediately says. "That's the graffiti on the train station. In your world." "Before the train was made to deliver heroes and cargo, we used the rune as a method of transportation," you explain. "The rune would still work but we need an exit point. That will be your problem to do."

You stop and pause to let this information sink in. "Can you two do this? Will you help me escape?" You sit there, thinking the twins would reject your plan. But only for a brief moment when you hear them both exclaim. "We can do this!" said Emmet, overlapping Ingo as he said, "We won't let you down."

"My, my. I am so lucky to have such good boys be my savior," you laugh out loud as you slap your knee. "I'd wager it's late for you two both. It is best you go get some sleep. I'll be investigating ways for me to catch the fish we seek."

"Wait, wait-" Emmet yells out. "Yes, my dear Emmet?"

"What...what is your name, Golden Eye?" Your eyes grow wide at his question. You give him another sad smile. "I can't remember," you tell him honestly. "I am much too old to bother with my name by this point." "Oh.." he says softly, like a child discovering something sad for the first time. "Emmet, Ingo. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, if you two have the time." "We'll be back," Ingo says with a caring tone. "We will!" Emmet chimes in after. You give them one last smile before cutting the connection.

[cliowo]

In this essay, i will explain the reasons why sky children of the light has become an increasingly unwelcoming game to new players and veterans alike-

Yeah yeah i usually only share my words here but tumblr feels like a really comfy place for me to share unfiltered thoughts and i needed somewhere to vent ig (skip if you have no idea what I'm talking about)

When I first started playing in prophecy, sky was a really fun game. We didn't have the request for a guide function then and I'm actually really grateful for it because the joy was in exploring each of the different realms and season areas on my own and randomly stumbling across spirits whose stories were waiting for me to discover. Maybe it was because I was a dumb moth - i didn't even know how to access seasonal spirits trees - but the pressure to cr just wasn't as intense as it is for moths today. The back to back seasons and "days of" events seem to have sucked the fun of exploring the world of sky for moths because they're so focused on grinding for candles/hearts/event currency that they just dont slow to smell the in-game roses anymore. And the thing is I get it because there's just so many new cosmetics as well as older ones from past seasons and events to farm for.

I mean sure you don't have to collect every cosmetic but 1 cape costs like 70 candles on average, same for a pair of pants iirc, a prop/acessory at 40-70 candles (70 if its an instrument??) , and hair at around 40-50 candles; and the best part is you can only earn 20-21 candles max in 1 reset 🤡 Add all of that plus the need to look for event currency in fear of facing such prices in the event rerun and you get stressed out moths facing existential crises every 2 weeks when ts arrives😀 Sorry moths, the economy is bad irl and just as bad in sky.

And what of the veterans? Yeah, well, we get no friends as everyone starts to quit the game and those that stay live off copium revisiting the places we once visited with friends- Or maybe that's just me

New friends, you say? *cue flashback to moths begging for help with cr* we exchanged like maybe 5 sentences max at chat benches🥲 i have nothing against helping out but it does make it difficult to form a bond when they disappear right after and you fade into their constellation of ubers

And then we have the seasons.

... Honestly the only season that made an impression with me after aurora was the recently concluded season of the 9 coloured deer, which was also another collab season💀

I actually had to check the sky wiki for this:

Remembrance - ironically very forgettable. What was the story again? Was it the one with the group of spirits living in one specific hole in vault like why- vault is bigger than that sad hole- OH THE PLUSHIES okay maybe this one was passable... im trying okay

Passage - ??? Havent finished this season's quests so uh- so far it seems like... a cult..? In isle...?

Moments - if they wanted a camera in-game, they could have just added it to like the days of sunlight event (the camping one) or smtg. They did not have to force a season for a camera💀 imho the camera was the only thing worth mentioning abt this season and i don't even take pictures

Revival - i suppose aviary is pretty and it's nice that the spirits have somewhere to stay now. Not particularly impressed. Don't really remember the story in this one.

...i heard rumours of a furniture season after the 9 coloured deer. Looking forward to hearing what they'll name this one lmao

The quality of "days of" events is still acceptable to me. Just maybe ignore the numerous iaps and the fact that we have multiple umbrellas but only 1 is f2p (don't understand whats up w that btw)

And also the recurring bugs💀 I've been playing for at least 3 years and I've faced these bugs/problems multiple times:

1. Unable to light frends constellations because the screen just yeets itself into oblivion or some random environment feature where i cant press the button

2. Game crashes (after every update istg-)

3. Splitting servers

4. Sky discrimination and gate keeping, aka refusing to let me open the game

5. Being unable to collect currency/dailies (it's not my internet i checked)

The lack of compensation is another matter entirely

I don't know man I'm tired. The only reason why I still have it installed is because it's my only link to the people I used to have fun and relax with. Not everyone has discord or insta or some other social media.

If you made it this far thank you for coming to my ted talk. Feel free to leave your thoughts- just remember to be respectful

Tldr:

The sky economy is bad. For everyone. Moths (and maybe even vets) are stressed out and vets are losing friends. The seasons are increasingly dull and the long-lived bugs are frustrating.

[mydollsaregay]

Last night, I was thinking about the twins and was able to put my finger on what was still bugging me about them.

Despite it making us feel old, the 90s IS history (hell, yesterday is history!). AG is saying it, but I’m not sure they… mean it?

From the hints of the girls’ stories I’ve seen so far, the only anchoring historical event seems to be y2k. Everything else is nice enough, but certainly not unique to the 90s, and could be given to a goty instead.

Honestly? Y2K is not enough. It’s a little too safe. Yes, it was a big deal to the people who lived through it. However, it was literally just New Years, but cooler (and with a lot of programming work in the background to change years to be stored as four digits). What are the lasting effects that kids can recognize today? Because I see very few that can’t just be chalked up to the passage of time.

There was a lot more to the 90s than fashion, pop culture, and the biggest new years ever, but it kinda seems like those are the only parts AG is interested in portraying. When you put y2k up against some of the other historical events that other American Girls live through, even just the ones from the 20th century, it seems pretty silly. Second wave feminism, the Great Depression, the civil rights movement, and now….. new years but the number changes a bit more than usual!!!!!! Like. Cmon.

Even if they were wedded to portraying y2k, columbine, the effects of which are VERY much felt by kids today, happened that same year. But I kinda doubt AG will have the guts to even discuss it in the girl’s stories, which is really sad (and honestly one of the biggest downsides to more modern historical dolls - the history they’re covering is still too touchy for a lot of parents to be comfortable with).

Also, by pushing the girls to be in the late 90s, I’m betting AG is trying to worm their way out of having the 2000s girl live through 9/11 (i.e. watching it on tv) and the start of the war on terror. Which like. I get WHY (still too touchy for parents) but it’s really frustrating. 9/11 and it’s aftermath is arguably one of the most impactful events in American history, it’s stupid to dance around it. Felicity gets to live through the actual revolution but god forbid a more modern girl actually live through recent historical events.

[mekatrio]

ANYWAYS before i do um whats apparently the good end?? true end??? aka doors 5 -> 8 -> 6, this is what i think of every character..

1 -> FAWKINGGGG WEIRDO like seriously seriously ok first i thought maybe ace is a weirdo scientist who knows more than he lets on maybe hes an insider for zero or something but also like.. he has said some very weird stuff like during the search for ace hes like 'why wouldnt you think snake and clover are siblings? oh yeah bc they dont look alike' and also ohhhh my god i swear hes said something else that was rly weird but i cannot for the life of me recall what it was. but essentially the two weird things hes said gives off the air of like. a dude who knows jackshit abt the world.. like hes a test tube baby fresh out the tube or something idk. which again is even more weird considering how like... how to say.. like hes manipulated the events of the game a lot yknow like he was adamant in making sure that ppl dont suspect one another of being zero 🤨🤨🤨 and then he goes and drugs himself so we go in doors 3 7 or 8 without him, and if i go into door 1 he'll reveals that he knows junpei's trick w the paper and just then he went off somewhere with lotus leaving me to be SLAUGHTERED by clover like hes sooooo weird whats his deal. hes also really funny too HAH like an old man loser but srsly i dont completely trust him in the slightest i still think hes involved w snake's disappearances somehow mmhm

2 -> snake is cool as fuck like such a chill guy im sooo sad i can only do two rooms with him b4 he fawking disappears so i really am suspecting that he is inside of that coffin and ill get to do room 9 with him clover and seven pleaseee please please. other than that like I dont knowww i dont know why he disappeared.. his outfit is kinda similar to the man w the 0 bracelet so like Maybe that means something yknow i think it might mean something hmm both him and clover were previous subjects of the nonary game 9 years ago so maybe he knows his way around the ship and knows like secret passages or whatever? and also like... if he is in that coffin then whos the dead person in the shower room?? so mysteriously mysterious

3 -> funny as fuck guy who BETRAYED ME but really i wonder whats his deal huh. shockingly learned that he had a sister in the prev bad end and also hmmm its seems veryyy likely that he was another test subject too just like clover and snake. but yet they dont recognize one another as such which is ? alsooo just theorizing but i feel like him + clover + junpei + june are the same age and related to those missing children somehow and also i wonderrrrr if his sister is the girl who died hmmm? ive said multiple times like what if the one who died is akane's twin or something which yeah i think is still plausible but santa has had a few random instances of being pretty melancholic which makes me wonder if he was close to the girl who died or something yknow... also like what was that whole thing abt the black and white santa like seriously What was that it made me laugh but also ???? to me it feels like its continuing the theme of theseus' ship that has been recurring in this game 🤔

4 -> im still befhwefbjfe from the latest ending like myyyy goodness i was genuinely surprised by her tenacity to kill people cold bloodedly like goddamn. its not too surprising but its still??!? pretty surprising?!??! i still think shes a kind and cute girl but like yeah idk what else to say abt her umm i wonder if her and snake are actually siblings yknow... hmm......

5 -> THE PRESIDENT OF WEIRDO CENTRAL like seriously he might be the weirdest one of them all he reminds me of phoenix wright in the way that theyre both protagonists who i play as and yet i barely know a thing abt and i have a feeling that junpei knows more abt things that r going on than i as the player do.. cuz like firstly hes had all those rando joker moments and also hes kinda had like???? weirddd reactions to things?? like these

and not just that but also like jfc i barely know anything abt his past.. ive already said this but it bears repeating but srsly why did he grow apart from akane! they both like each other so... what happened!!! OH and also in room 8 him and lotus have a weird exchange where junpei is like 'What The Fuck Is A Wireless Display' and honestly idk whose the weird one in that situation like is it lotus for working w wireless displays or is it junpei for not knowing what that is. idk when this game was released and whether bluetooth was a thing yet. whatttt is with this dude

6 -> vice president of weirdo central... kinda not really. but yeah ive already commented on her a lot and i dont rly wanna repeat myself so to keep it brief maybe shes got a twin who died + shes probably one of the kids who got experimented one + her random fevers might be her remembering something the way seven remembered shit (or maybe shes like junpei and is also in whatever this time travel thing is??)

7 -> similarly to akane ive kinda already said everything i find weird abt this guy the main thing being that its kinda suspicious how the doors he leaves unlocked are the ones that lead a trail to a dead body w a bracelet like Hmmmmm okkk

8 -> these are getting shorter cuz im getting hungry LOL but shes also another person ive commented a lot on. i started off thinking she was a weirdo scientist involved w the nonary game and while i still think shes a scientist of some sort, the torture room revealed she didnt know abt the nonary game her children went thru which makes me change my mind. wait also omfg why the hell is there a torture room on this boat. i guess this is the gigantic (war ship) huh. ALSO who killed her in that ending huh! i feel like its ace tbh cuz the game said 'the person who would gain the most from getting lotus' bracelet killed her' and seeing ace has the lowest number while lotus has the highest like doesnt that make senseee. but yeah as of rn i think her outfit means she has some sort of connection to alice (maybe shes researching her?) and i still think shes a #LadyInSTEM

9 -> and whats this dudes deal huh..... he probably knows zero well in some way.. but other than that i dont know a thinggg. but also yknow considering that clover (and meee) think that snake is still alive somehow in spite of that exploded body, and that i think snake is the one banging on that coffin, this would then mean that body in the shower room is a "fake" somehow.. and wouldnt that mean that the body of the 9th man in the 5th room corridor also be a faked one somehow?? and maybe just maybe the 9th man is the one who killed us in some endings... maybe.. idk... itll be very junko enoshima if thats the case lol. but yeah i still have my thoughts on him.... HMMMM

[iamfitzwilliamdarcy]

i didn't mention the book in my 3rd-7th grade journal lol (that it lasted so long can tell you how much I actually wrote in it) but some interesting/funny bullet points I found:

attempting to explain 9/11

attempting to explain the Annunciation

Chronicling the election of BXVI

the one passage right before Katrina <3 (that's not funny it's just like... yep it was coming poor 11 year old me didn't know what I was in for)

Definitely mentioned reading the Warrior Cats books for the first time (1-4)

mocking boys a lot <3

um the one passage where two of the girls i was friends with were "talking with Billy (sic) Joe Armstrong or someone who says he's him but I'm not supposed to tell anyone" wtf

as an adult i've discovered i have intrinsic hand weakness and reading the number of times i stopped writing due to this maybe should have been a clue but I thought it was just normal

lots of Harry Potter talk

quoting Making Fiends and explaining what a web series was PLUS explaining proboards RPG sites

you can really see a shift between 3rd grade 8/9 year old writing and a 5th/6th grader just in terms of what/how things are written and maturity

also a lot of w/ playing around with hand writing

there's a passage about hating my sister and it made me sad because i love my sister and she was just little (we're 14 months apart, i was little too)

[ectonurites]

sad rambling don't mind me

The passage of time just doesn’t feel real, man. Alaska would have turned 24 today. The last time I can distinctly remember seeing her alive she was newly 15.

It’s just this weird thing of like, yeah, I don’t think about it all the time anymore, not the way I did when it was really recent, but little things do still remind me of her. I can’t believe how close it’s getting to a decade since she's been gone. 

It came up when Emme and I were talking about her a few weeks ago, but at the time she felt so grown up to us. I was a year older than her, but back then she managed to feel so mature regardless. She would nerd out with us (The last time we actually hung out was at the con the college in our town used to hold), but she also did all these grown-up things with people we didn't know—she'd tell us stories about it all though, she just seemed so cool. But god, she was a kid. A kid! Just a kid. She was 15. She was a kid. We all were kids.

So much of high school is honestly just a blur when I think back to it now, but things related to this are so distinct it's kinda scary.

Like, it’s been nearly 9 years! But I can still remember the exact seat in Jenny’s 1st period mechanical physics class I was sitting in when that first announcement about her attempt and coma went out over the loud speaker, it didn’t use her name or anything but just alerted everyone at the school that this had happened to a student. I already knew, I'd known for a few days, and I knew the announcement was probably going to happen that day, so it wasn’t a surprise. Our other friend got to stay home, but I had too many absences so my mom wouldn’t let me. I was in a class of mostly upperclassmen (only three of us were in my grade, nobody in Alaska's), and no one else in the room knew her or at least seemed to know this was about her, it was just whispers and speculation and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I broke down in tears in front of my math teacher the following period when he asked me about the homework I hadn't done and in hindsight it was almost kinda funny, because he just did not know what to do. 

I remember sitting at Lily's house on the couch with her and Emme—having a sleepover to work on cosplay because that's what we did back then—when Lily's mom came home in the middle of the night and we knew something was wrong. And we got told the news that she'd passed a few hours earlier.

I remember on the first birthday after she passed, Emme and I went to the park across the street from the high school to let go of balloons. It had snowed recently, but we wanted to be in the center of the park, because otherwise they'd get stuck in the trees, so we trekked our way out there and laid on our jackets in the freezing cold and laughed and talked and cried.

I don’t know. I don’t know where I'm going with any of this, or what I’m trying to say. It's just like, time is supposed to make these things feel easier, and in a way I guess it does, but my brain just gets so focused on dates and anniversaries so every year when this day and the day she died roll around I still get hit with so much all at once.

(the anniversary of the day she died was particularly rough this past year because it was the same day Stranger Things Vol. 2 dropped and I went to a watch party thinking 'oh cool it'll be fun to watch this thing I like with my friends as a distraction' and promptly got punched in the fucking gut by what happened with Max, the hospital scene towards the end sent me spiraling for hours)

Anyways.

Happy Birthday, Alaska. I met you on a Tuesday afternoon in late August at the park I roller skate at now, two days after me and my mom finally called the cops on my dad and everything in my life changed. You were the first new friend I made after all that. I didn't get to know you for a long time, but you’re still on my mind even after all these years. I miss you. Happy Birthday. 

[iamjassmine]

It's been a while....

Ecclesiastes 3:1

"For everything there is a season and a TIME for every purpose under heaven"

It is clearly said in this passage that there is a right time for everything. May it be personal, in your profession, in your goals, in your family, and in your life. There is a perfect and precise time for everything. Some may take a day or two, a week, a month, but some take a year or a decade to happen. And when our patience is being tested, we start to think "Why good things always take time to come to me?" "Why it's taking time for me to experience my ultimate goal?" And that's when we start to compare our lives to others. We start to feel pity towards ourselves and throwing questions everywhere. And we start to feel jealousy, unaccomplished individual, sadness, hopelessness that you think "Maybe God doesn't hear my prayers" and that God has favoritism or something like that. Well, I've thought about that a lot once or twice, even thrice whenever I see some people are more successful than I am, happier than I am, more accomplished and fulfilled people. As I compare myself to them, I feel sorry for myself........for a moment..... But then I realize a lot of things I have that other people don't have. I have a healthy family, we still eat nice food or even in restaurants during payday, we still have shelter that protects us, we have beds to lie on to rest, we have people who love us, and we have God who's always there when no one else was. We are blessed more than we can imagine and I realize the things that made me feel jealous, sad, or hopeless, are quite superficial, unimportant 'cause these things are only temporary, it's just for a moment and yes a memory to remember. But then I think about the promises of God, great promises that He will supply all my needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19), “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8). God surely bless us with our NEEDS and most of the time we pray for our WANTS. God does not always give what we want for a reason. It might make you or break you. But in every decisions you are making in life, right or wrong, if you come back to Him, He will let You through it. Oh! And I thought about death too... As the bible says from Matthew 6:19-21, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." So if your heart is in this world, you are a property of this world, but if your heart is after Him, you are absolutely a property of His, a child of God.

That is how I overcome jealousy, I constantly remind myself that I am blessed more than I deserve. That I am in the right place and when He wants to move me, He will in His perfect time. That I have some things that other people are not fortunate to have. When times I feel like God is not hearing me, I will always ask myself if I am listening to Him in the first place. Honestly, most of the time I don't because I do not allow Him to control my life. I always thought I am one step ahead of His plans for me and that I am hurrying things up. But I still thank Him endlessly for being so patient with the stubborn me. He always reminds me on Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts" And that gives me reassurance and confidence that I am protected, I am in the right place, and I will be there in His perfect season.

Thank You Lord.

"I believe you're only getting started"

[melrosing]

how many POVs do u estimate jaime and brienne will have in twow? i assume not many lol bc there are so many plot points that he needs to lay out that he cant dawdle like he did in affc/adwd. i think they’ll be together for the first half of the book before separating but its gonna be so interesting seeing brienne perceive jaime through her own pov. i wonder how he’ll distribute it between them.

I estimate 8-9 between them, with Brienne having 3/4 and Jaime having 5. why?? vibes

I agree that they’ll part ways again at some point but GRRM’s most recent update on writing them made me think probably not quite as soon as I would’ve thought? I would’ve assumed by maybe the third/fourth of their combined chapters, but you could certainly infer they’re still together as of GRRM’s writing late last year.

and okay YES it’s true they may be one of the POVs he’s writing more slowly (god) in which case at this point they weren’t that far along after all… and I guess that would make sense if Cersei has been taking a while too, as Cersei’s logistics likely impact Jaime’s. but idk I do feel maybe it’s just been my pessimist’s brain that figured they’d be splitting up sooner rather than later in TWOW.

thinking about it, GRRM’s more likely to want to make the most of their reunion, he’s not thrown them together again just so they can dip before anything meaningful happens (even if that’s not the full realisation of their relationship). ANYWAY

it has also occurred to me that perhaps we’ll find Jaime and Brienne as prisoners of the BWB just because of how long it’s been since they were last seen (about a month?). GRRM does kind of flex his timelines a bit when he needs to, but with that passage of time so firmly established in Cersei’s POV i do wonder if we’ll find Jaime and Brienne as prisoners with the journey to lsh told via flashback, or they’re even somehow waylaid from meeting lsh. but I do think that would be kind of a waste. like we don’t get to see Brienne angsting as she’s leading Jaime to lsh, or Jaime’s gradual realisation that he’s been betrayed, or his horror at lsh??? would be weird for GRRM to skip that.

for the record I’ve lost all track of what you asked in the first place now but since no one asked here’s my ideal JB TWOW framework

Brienne I: taking Jaime to lsh and feeling sad about it

Jaime I: wtf Brienne how could you + supernatural escape from lsh

Jaime: aftermath of escape from lsh, Jaime’s angry at Brienne but still trying to understand why she did what she did, working out where to go next. Pod is still here btw but RIP Hyle

Jaime: at the quiet isle where JB reconcile and Jaime speaks maybe to the Elder Brother idk. Oh look there’s Sandor

Brienne: parting ways with jam as he resolves to go back to save his son (having heard about red wedding 2.0 or Cersei’s latest drama idk). Brienne still wants to find Sansa and Sandor is here 2 help! JB are like on the BRINK of turning canon but for now it is Bittersweet Goodbyes

Jaime: on the road idk what the hell he’s doing at this point but we’re in his head.

Brienne: also on the road w Sandor and Pod. We’re in her head a lot and also formulating a plan cos we’ve heard something about where Sansa might be. fuck if I know how this information is conveyed

Jaime: nearly at KL or actually at KL. beginning of the end of Lannister twins drama. or idk possibly the actual end but I do think Cers survives TWOW put it that way. Also [edit] myrcella is dead, Jaime finds out here. Tommen will probs die in Cersei’s last chapter

the rest of Brienne’s rescue Sansa mission is told via Sansa herself

there you go. I know it’s like holding twow in your hands

[beloved-not-broken]

Ever wonder why Jesus though rich people were a lost cause?

The other day my best friend and I were talking about privilege in terms of the (white, male, affluent) leadership at our job. That got me thinking of allllll the parables Jesus told about rich people.

I love the way The Message phrases Luke 18:24-25:

Jesus said, “Do you have any idea how difficult it is for people who have it all to enter God’s kingdom? I’d say it’s easier to thread a camel through a needle’s eye than get a rich person into God’s kingdom.”

This passage baffled me for years, but I think I finally understand it: the rich enjoy their privilege in this life so much that they don't want to be part of a community of people that God treats equally—even if it means giving up a greater inheritance in the next life.

In the previous verse, Jesus says that the rich man could earn an eternal inheritance by selling all he had and giving to the poor (Luke 18:22). I don't think Jesus was referring to just money here.

Money, as anyone who doesn't have much of it knows, is the key to having...

Autonomy—the rich don't have to work, so they're never at the mercy of toxic bosses or oppressive systems.

Influence—people listen when there's money on the line. Just look at the power that the rich have over politicians.

Importance—the rich live in a society that caters to their every need, from their need for healthcare to their desire for the "finer things in life."

Security—the rich can meet their basic needs and splurge on things they want; they don't have to make sacrifices.

Social status—the rich have access to countless privileges, all because of their wealth.

No wonder the rich man went away sad after Jesus told him the truth—giving up everything meant giving up all the things that allowed him to live comfortably!

Jesus emphasized that the kingdom of God belongs to outcasts (Matthew 5:3-10; Matthew 9:12-13; Matthew 19:14; Matthew 21:32; Matthew 21:43; Mark 10:14-15; Luke 6:20; Luke 10:8-9) because outcasts know what it's like to live without privilege. Fortunately, he also promises that we won't be living low forever:

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus said to them, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or sisters or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age, and in the age to come eternal life.” - Luke 18:29-30 (NIV)

[gavetheflamingswordaway]

Tag nine people you’d like to get to know better!

Thank you @urbansfrienddolly for tagging me! It’s the first time I’ve participated in one of these things!

Last song: Starting Over by Chris Stapleton.

I came across it by accident and added it to my favourites list because I have been feeling sad for the past couple of weeks about coming back home after a year abroad, and I don’t really want to get back to real life at home again. The song makes me feel nostalgic and gives me a happy feeling.

Currently watching: Anything S+R

Yes it’s a real obsession I’m afraid. After watching Inside No. 9 by myself, and then with my flatmate, I finished watching it with my mum yesterday… what to do with my time now? Luckily there’s much more to their filmographies! (Although I have gone through a lot…)

Obsession comes later in this post but I think this part exposes that I’m also obsessed with showing other people things I like… I can watch things a hundred times and still be excited the next time because I’m excited for them to like it just as much as I do haha!

Outside of S+R I casually watch lots of ‘detectives’. Currently watching the latest series of Father Brown.

Currently reading: Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro.

I discovered this incredible author whilst doing a course on Utopias and Dystopias last year when I had to read Never Let Me Go, and I became hungry for more. I love how these novels are not immediately action packed or anything, but that you find out through seemingly mundane passages and statements that in fact, something is not quite right, or actually very wrong with the societies you’re reading about. It sort of creeps up on you and that makes it a hundred times better and more shocking. I’m intrigued by this novel and wonder how it ends!

Current obsession: If you follow me and haven’t guessed already, here’s a clue:

As for tagging nine other people, I’m afraid I don’t really know nine others here properly? The people I engage with have already been tagged, so if you see this and feel like doing it, feel free!

[maglors-anion-gap]

9,10 and 13 for the weird writing ask :3

[from this ask game]

I'm late getting to these! when I ask for asks, never trust that I'll respond promptly (send them anyway, though, I like attention)

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know.

kinda, maybe? There's been some times where my mom was sure she was visited by something.

She was downhill ski-race training at night once when she was younger than me, and she tripped on something and fell. Her dad came running up the hill because her light went out. She was a junior olympic racer, the snow was fresh powder, and the place she fell was clear of debris - but if she hadn't fallen, she would've slammed face first into a tree at 70 mph and died. The light on the course was out; she would never have even seen it. Falling saved her life, and she fell over nothing, over thin air.

She's also been visited by her grandmother twice. On the worst night of her life, she said she felt her grandmother, who had been dead for twenty-some years, sit down next to her and this feeling of peace came over her. Almost a decade later, I was out in the forest with her, somewhere her grandmother would have liked to be. I was doing something with our gear, and I turned around and she was kind of crying. And she pointed down the path and said "I just saw my grandmother. She stopped by again to say goodbye, because I don't need her any more." And I genuinely can't remember if I saw a person on the path or if I'm imagining what my mother saw.

On a more pragmatic note, I think people feel strongly about ghosts for one of two reasons: sometimes you get a gut feeling that something's wrong, and that's usually worth listening to; and respecting the dead/the passage of time and life is part of the grieving process and being able to let go of people who have passed in a healthy way. I think science affirms, not discredits, the need for a mourning period; people might dismiss them as a thing of the past, and the economically minded certainly begrudge bereavement time, but what's profitable isn't synonymous with what's kind or what's right. You need some time and some space to get right with your love and your sadness. So traditions around mourning and paying your respects to your ancestors are very interesting to me!

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Haunting is like, when I can't stop thinking about something, and I keep turning it over in my head. This can be a good, bad, or neutral thing, depending on if I enjoy thinking about it, or if it torments me. I don't think I've ever been tormented by my own writing (except perhaps in embarrassment); I don't think I've ever managed to write anything that soulful (though I've certainly tried). Right now I'm being haunted by that Tom Stoppard quote, let me find it:

“What do I want? Nothing which you'd call indecent, though I don't see what's wrong with it myself. You want to be brothers-in-arms, to have him to yourself... to be shipwrecked together, (to) perform valiant deeds to earn his admiration, to save him from certain death, to die for him - to die in his arms, like a Spartan, kissed once on the lips... or just run his errands in the meanwhile. You want him to know what cannot be spoken, and to make the perfect reply, in the same language.”

I am being haunted by this because 1) this is what it's like to be a gay man, 2) this is what it's like to be a trans man, 3) this is what it's like to love a man. And I am in a really weird place where I love my partner, I covet what he is, and as supportive as he is, I also get the sense that 0% of this makes sense to him. It's all impossible to talk about, I want him to understand it intuitively, and to know what to do. Instead he asks me if I might grow my hair out again.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

I am having a weird-hard time writing about women who want to be women. In the sense that: I would be cool with being a woman if being a woman meant nothing and I existed in a void without anyone else around me. Introduce one person to the void and I have to get as far away from being a woman as possible, because their idea of being a woman is always different from mine. Had a big row over my hair - I actually like having long hair, but not when people tell me I ought to. So because I'm having a weird-bad time with being an (ex)woman, it's hard to think or to write about why that's actually enjoyable for many people.

It was never hard before, and once I get this worked out it will be good and easy again and I will write about lots of women. Unfortunately right now all of my women start drifting into manhood.

Otoh: it's very easy for me to write about sex.

my newest fic is about 1) women and 2) sex and that's why it's taking so long to finish. The sex is done, the women are not. Apologies to the intended recipient :'(

[nyx-the-blazing-dragon]

The inexorable passage of time frightens me deeply.

One day, my parents will be dead, and I will be nearing my senior years, struggling to live in a world that has largely eclipsed and forgotten me.

I may not have any of the friends that I made in the years prior anymore, and I may very well die alone.

So, I stand in my bathroom, wracked with the existential sort of sadness that makes you feel nauseous, and ask myself;

What is the point of going on, if i'll just be forced to bear witness to my world slowly being torn down and rebuilt in a crude facsimile of the one I knew, leaving my memories to sink in the sand of the hourglass?

Then, I go lie down, watch a funny YouTube video, and mentally slap myself in the face, because it's 4 AM, and I'm breaking the cardinal late night rule of "no listening to your brain after 9 PM".

Though, aside from that, the answer is quite simple;

You have to spend the time you have as optimally as possible. Make memories. Cherish loved ones. Live life in such a way that when you're old, and everything you loved was dust, instead of wishing that you could go back, you simply look back and go "damn, that was good, hopefully I can top it in the next life".

Listening to that annoying "oh woe is me" voice in your head while staring at yourself in the mirror at 4 AM is perhaps the biggest disservice you can do to yourself, because that voice is telling a particularly cruel kind of lie, a sort that tries to rob you of that ability to live life optimally.

So, go lie down, watch a funny YouTube video, and stop listening to your 4 AM thoughts, you idiot. (/lh)

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary412

11/9/24

saturday

another short one today.

got the bass written in the song, made the guitar sound better #cool.

didn't draw a lot, today, instead i watched 2 caveh zahedi films, in the bathtub of the world and i don't hate las vegas anymore, i don't hate las vegas anymore wasn't about vegas so much, since his art is all about him, it's just him trying to get through to his family, his half brother and father, trying to get them to take ecstasy with him so they can all trip and be happy together and communicate openly, it doesn't go that way really, they trick him into thinking they took it, it's interesting seeing someone get their wish fulfilled by people lying, willing so much for that to be the truth they also just go with the lie. there are some shots that happen by total accident it seems like, they're intensely beautiful, like when the camera operator loads in pre-exposed film so you get these two shots overlaid basically, one's upside down almost, technical failures, those are really beautiful looking to me, in a textural way, lovely moving images. it's a shame he doesn't do that on purpose, because it looks so good.

seeing him try to convince his family to take drugs is strange, he's trying to much to manipulate them to do what he wants because he thinks it will be good and that god is on his side, since he believes in god and that what god wills will happen and he's trying to really make sure god is willing or not willing things, rather than letting them be. this is a common theme in his work. or running theme. i should have said running. anyhow, he, in the film says, i want to learn to surrender, he does not learn to surrender it feels like.

in the bathtub of the world was much better, a video diary thing, it made me reflect on what i do here, whether or not i am similar to him or not. i don't want to be, i don't think what i do is even a quarter, or 8th, or 100th as invasive as what he does. that's part of it, but i also don't think i treat my partner badly, which he does. he seems to relish in when she cries because it's interesting. it only upsets me deeply when i have to write about it here, because it is going on, because it makes me feel like i have failed and i want to reflect on my failures. caveh will say things like, my wife is being a total bitch right now, and it's not evident why. it's not a real image of him entirely, but it's strange how he thinks he can transmit that in film, in these autobiographical works. especially in film, you will never understand someone in something that is an hour or so.

but there is a really great scene in the film set to pavement and it showed me this song:

makes me very nostalgic, for some reason. it reminds me of when i saw snow the first time i suppose, or, the first few times. once was on the side of the road, on the way down from somewhere, with my mom's ex boyfriend who was very kind to me, we made snow angels on the side of the road, cars passed, we had little angels there in white though. i'd never seen anything like that in my small life. there were maybe other times between then and the next time...i heard actually, technically i saw snow when i was a baby i think, i do not recall of course, but in 98 i think there was strange snow in vegas. anyhow, years later, we had snow at school, late elementary i believe, was the time, i can't recall the grade. we got out, and there was snow!! the ground was white, everything was pretty, the naked arms of trees. it was a beautiful time, the lovely sky so grey. in this song she sings, black trees with empty arms. it brings me to that.

the open curtain, yes, very good, growing stranger, onto the final section now, it's hard to make much out, as it's gotten into this very strange romance arc, not really romance, more, desperation, sadness, descending into madness, or the descent is completed, there is this sequence of passages, regarding the marriage ritual, numerous things dawning on the second protagonist, about her parent's murder and these mormon symbols. very insane stuff, makes me so curious. rudd being the symbol of the knee, on the temple garb, where her family are all other symbols which are kinds of openings, wounds where the hand of god and jesus reach through, he describes something insane, the presence of god being subcutaneous, really incredible thought put into writing, but her family dead because of their symbolic transmission into the other side + being the instantiation of those symbols or perhaps the inversion of meaning, the closing off of the veil, preventing things. then all the ritual sacrifice stuff returning. just insane to me. there's some sequence that must be remembered, if any should ask you after you are married to recall this sequence, there is a particular way you must kill yourself? mormonism seems death obsessed. confusing too.

but now i am just doing my face up before sleep, i cut my hair a little more let's see how i feel about that tomorrow, and i also need to talk to my friend about some writing things tomorrow in the morning,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!