#but it is still a disability and makes a lot of things hard for me and makes me feel Not So Great sometimes
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One of the underdiscussed tragedies of covid is the fact that a ton of newly disabled people have been shoved into the discursive spotlight as the dominant voice on disability issues to spew frankly rancid takes
Basically everything said i have immense compassion and solidarity and time for coming from struggling individuals but whej spoken as a major discursive line, many of these takes are having pretty disastrous effects on the discourse and efficacy of the socio-medical field of chronic illness management and justice
Long covid is real, and debilitating. It's also novel-- the longest anyone can possibly have had long covid is about 5 years. I don't know that I know any chronically ill person who's condition arose as an adult who've made meaningful progress in managing their illness well in under 5 years; NOR anyone who hasn't made significant progress coping in under 10 years.
Becoming disabled is terrifying and there's a lot of grief and frustration and rage to work through-- and a lot of ableism. Most people who became #disabilityjusticeadvocates after being disabled by long covid have absolutely 0 knowledge of the history or tactics of disabled movements. Frankly offensive and ludicrous comparisons to AIDS, for example, run rampant-- despite the fact this is nothing like AIDS and ppl making these comparisons appear to be only passingly familiar with the AIDS epidemic and wholly unaware of the current abuse and criminalization forced on ppl who are HIV+. We can make critiques of how capitalism and frankly civilized society disables people, specific political critiques of covid even, without rudely and unhelpfully asserting that this is the Worst Thing That's Happened And Nobodys Ever Had It As Bad As You. It is not, and will never be, *literally illegal* to have long covid. Fuck, governments actually DID SOMETHING and responded!! It sucked, because it will always suck, it pushed poor people hardest, and so on, but cmon. You cannot seriously compare problematic but prompt vaccine rollouts and ongoing intense research into management and cures to 20 years of unaddressed death; nor a "resistance" movement that essentially amounts to insults & ineffectual propaganda to one that worked extremely hard at building communal support structures and making legit gains. Yall ain't even pumping infected air into the cdc offices. Smh.
My heart fucking hurts for the huge numbers of ppl who have become disabled without access to support and then asked to become discursive authorities on disability while still trying to figure out what living as a newly disabled person can look like, but I'm also fully pissed at the behavior of some of yall and how bystanders willing platform really ineffectual and frankly ableist shit because of "listening to affected voices".
People ARE making moves-- there are support groups and communities sharing new strategies both from DIY versions of new literature and observations from personal experiments. Nicotine patches are what I'm aware of most recently and i bieve Four Theives published a guide to a drug that *cures* a meaningful, but not fda-requirememt-satisfying # of cases. It is possible to take strides, movement is still possible, it is important to not lose rage or critique! AND everyone is still figuring this thing out (let me reiterate that long covid is getting a comparatively huge amount of research and attention than many other chronic illnesses, like fr) & the least some of yall can fucking do is not drag the entire concept of chronic illness management down in your despair.
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Since I keep seeing people and fic mentioning Silco's lack of depth perception, I'm gonna spend a minute on writing this. Obviously, there are many, many different ways blind and visually impaired people experience the world, and my view (haha) is just one of them. However, I do think my disability comes close, at least in part, to what Silco likely experiences, which is why I decided to write this thing.
How does lack of depth perception work? The magic happens in the brain. It gets two images, one from each eye, and the brain makes them into one (simplified, I'm not a doctor). Lack of depth perception happens either if one image goes missing, e.g. because of blindness, or if the brain doesn't do the thing right.
People can adapt to it. I've been born with my disability, so it's all I've known, but people who experience trauma that leads to the lack of vision on one eye will still be able to adapt. This means that as long as the things we'd like to grab are on the stronger side of our vision, we will not have any issue in actually grabbing it. I'm not going to miss the glass and spill water everywhere because I live with my vision every day, and since neither I nor the glass are moving, I know roughly where it is and I can pick it up without issue. The problem is when things are either in the area of my weaker eye, or if they start moving.
Movement. This is where it gets tricky. It makes things like dodging, moving out of the way, jumping over obstacles, catching and throwing things, climbing, and almost all kinds of sports incredibly hard, especially if you play/train together with able-bodied people. It's easier when the movement is slow. I would probably be able to catch a ball if it was thrown at me slowly in a nice, high parabola. Anything with speed, such as all ball sports I know, is nigh impossible.
The weaker eye. Again, I'm not a doctor, so the way I define terms will not line up with what an oculist might call it, but my main visual input comes from one eye. That's what I use to navigate my life. The other eye is all periphery vision for me. The vision is very weak and the overlapping part (the part of the input of both eyes that overlap (think venn diagram)) of my weak eye mixes with that of my strong eye, but they don't quite align, plus I assume my brain works on eliminating as much the signals my weaker eye sends so as to not impair my vision even more, that if I close said weak eye, it feels like I'm losing periphery vision, not half my vision. Sometimes, I catch myself closing my weaker eye to concentrate better. This happens when the weaker eye's image interferes too much with my stronger eye. In addition, if you have a lazy eye, it's likely that its image moves around a bit (at least it does for me), while the stronger eye is steady, which adds to more confusion.
How do we apply all of this to Silco? I am going to assume that Silco's vision is somewhat similar to mine, based on the fact that his left eye follows the movements of his right eye, so he has some control over the muscles that move the left eye and a direction of where it needs to go, so it's unlikely that he doesn't have any vision at all in that eye. A) His eye is likely very dry and needs to be moisturised a lot. B) It seems like what is causing his impairment is the damage brought by the toxins. For his vision, we can assume this means that it eats away at e.g. his lens, which would mean that his vision on the left eye is blurry and the eye itself is highly sensitive to light to the point where the outside light of cloudy days can be painful. At the same time, we see that his pupil doesn't dilate, so the iris isn't working properly, which means that in case of head trauma, internal bleeding can't be checked. There could be more damage that affects his vision, but since I have no experience with other impairments, I won't include them here to avoid spreading misinformation. (If anyone has similar visual impairments or disabilities, feel free to add to the list.) C) He probably lacks depth perception. This will play out the way I have illustrated above. D) It will be easier to startle Silco when not announcing the approach from his left due to the weak vision of his eye. E) In addition to the pain from having toxins in his eye, he's likely to get headaches and eye strain.
I think that's all for now. I might add to this if I come across something else, but for now that's what my tired brain can come up with. I think what's most important to me personally is that we are more capable and independent than many people think (which is pretty universal to all people with disabilities), and also that we don't walk around as if the world was made out of egg shells. We're perfectly fine doing most domestic tasks. Some of us need a different system for it than able-bodied people, but that doesn't make us less capable.
#arcane#silco#silco arcane#depth perception#and lack thereof#writing disabled characters#disabled characters#disability#disability awareness#about me
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Honestly despite my feelings about how the last arc of MHA went down I really love Deku and his story.
I just feel like a lot of the time we get these protagonists whose whole philosophy is it doesn’t matter what you were born as everyone can achieve greatness. But then the series goes on and it turns out that actually it DOES matter because the protagonist has this really great lineage and these really great powers you can only have through birth they were actually born born, predestined if you will, to do this.
But MHA actually sticks to its guns. Midoriya wasn’t revealed to have some great connection to all might that the universe had put in place. He wasn’t defended from some great lineage that makes him uniquely suited to this. Hell All for one didn’t even turn out to be his father, there was no hidden powerful quirk he was always meant to have. He was just Midoriya Izuku a boy who was in the right place at the right time and simply decided to act while the world did nothing. And that’s what really made him a hero.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I believe him a bit more when he goes anybody can be a hero if you just decide to act
#also never stop crying baby I love taht about you#like I do understand that being given one for all an extremely powerful quirk is kind of a cop out#but still the quirk was passed down to him because of his own merits not becayse it was pre destined or because he was born to weird it#and honestly that’s more than we’ve got in a long time.#yes this is a little bit of a naruto call out cause I will never get over that complete 180 😭#and it does randomly drop that little tidbit of how it was good luck Midoriya was quirkless or the quirk would have killed him young#but honestly I don’t even know what to make of that besides……yay?#also yeah that’s pretty realistic sometimes disabilities make your more suited for somethings so yeah#this isn’t me implying that other protagonists didn’t work hard by the way I know they did two things can be true at once#bakugo proves that. like he is was born with an extremely powerful quirk but nobody can say he doesn’t work hard#it’s just a little tiring to see this underdog character suddenly get a backstory that’s like sike you actually needed to be born to do thi#one piece does this a little bit to be fair to them the story doesn’t really emphasize anyone can do it that way it has different themes#about what family means and it’s all about inherited will so I can give it a pass#but yeah I really appreciate mha for sticking to that gun even though it dropped the ball on a lot of things#like never fully addressing the quirkless people can be heroes too thing but that’s a topic for next time#throwing thoughts to the void#deku#mha#my hero academia#mha meta#mha analysis#midoriya izuku#izuku midoriya#one for all#mha deku#bhna#boku no hero acedamia
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seeing disability awareness posts end with “TLDR; no, read it” is fucking WILD
#queerpd.txt#it was about schizophrenia as well#and erm…#👋 has hallucinations that make my digital screens morph and change which makes them hard to read at time#especially big blocks of text… sooo?#schizophrenia#actually delusional#hallucinations#disability#disabled#abliesm#but like yeah there are a lot of disabilities that can make it difficult or even impossible to read large amounts of text#and so tldrs can be REALLY helpful for those people who still want to get the important information in something#bc just cause we struggle to read doesn’t mean we don’t deserve education and information#so it’s just wild to me. to act like someone’s evil. for wanting to check a tldr#like you can just not include it if you really don’t want to write it. you don’t have to also be an asshole#+ it’s helpful for those of us who struggle to process every detail in things#a lot of the time i will read a whole post AND the tldr bc it helps me understand exactly what is being discussed better
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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Accessible doesn't mean "for lazy people".
I can't express how frustrating it is that, so many times on so many platforms I've seen various posts, especially videos, which showcase an item that makes a random task easier (or possible at all) to do (such as onion/garlic dicers of all sorts, or items that can be used with one hand, or even the tools that make it easier to put socks on), and every time the comments section is filled with angry boomers (mostly boomers), who don't see past the concept of "if only people stopped being lazy" or "this is useless, we already have [less accessible tool/item], who needs this?!".
Just because something isn't needed/useful to you, doesn't mean somebody else doesn't benefit from the accessibility (or even just the convenience itself).
To give a few examples of what I mean:
The sock tools can help a lot of people with mobility limitations, and that can also include anybody going through pregnancy as well, to put on socks AT ALL. You don't even "need to be disabled" to benefit from stuff like this, ffs.
Onion/garlic dicers make it possible to quickly cut up food items that otherwise may be difficult (or even impossible) for people with certain disabilities or other difficulties (I've always found it a bit hard to dice/cut certain food items (ESPECIALLY smaller ones), so tools like this are very helpful and achieve a consistent result).
Noise-cancelling headphones help me, by blocking out the noise of traffic, which is very overwhelming to me, not just because I experience sensory overloads, but because I have tinnitus and extremely loud noises are very overwhelming to me. Regular headphones don't accomplish the same thing for me, not to the level my noise-cancelling ones do anyway, and I can still listen to music along the way (my headphones also have a mode that allow for me to still hear peoples' voices relatively well, whilst muffling traffic, engine noises, etc.).
I wear a backpack instead of using a pretty shoulder bag for carrying heavier items, because one of my shoulders is slightly deformed since birth, and because both my shoulders get some of the worst of my joint pain (whenever it does happen, which is often enough), whereas the backpack I have, is nicely padded and easy to organize too. I've seen people online mock adults using backpacks, I still don't understand why though??? I didn't even know people made fun of adults who use backpacks. I still want to hope those weren't meant to be real takes...
I may not look like I "need one", but I do sometimes use a cane to help myself move up/down stairs especially, since I have issues with joint pain, and especially since my foot injury from earlier this year (the pain of which still pops up now and then, and it's not great). People look at me weird when I randomly take out my foldable cane and then put it away after a while. My joint pain comes and goes, and when I don't need my cane, I don't use it. My own father keeps commenting on how I'm "too young to be using a cane". I'm 28, I've been using it for a handful of years now, disability doesn't know age.
Let me repeat myself. DISABILITY DOES NOT KNOW AGE.
Just because you might not use a wheelchair-accessible ramp, doesn't mean it's not needed/useful for anybody without a wheelchair. Even people with bicycles/scooters/baby strollers etc. can benefit from them, and for me, it's easier to walk up the ramps rather than using stairs, as using stairs tends to put additional stress on my already-injured foot, whereas a ramp doesn't require me to put that stress on my foot, so walking is easier for me, even if it is just those 'few handfuls of steps" or whatever.
In a separate post, I touched upon the kind of ableism I've witnessed in certain crafting communities, and how gatekeeping can very quickly become synonymous with ableism, and how that can affect something like a hobby. Everything I said there, applies to this post, too. If you're interested, feel free to read. If not - it's much of what I said here, but specifically regarding crafting communities and how ignorant/ableist people can be at times, and how that can affect people.
So many tools exist to help with certain tasks, to make some stuff doable at all, to add accessibility to an otherwise difficult task for any particular person, and so much of it is just seen as "useless" or "for the lazy people", or there's some aspect of aggressive gatekeeping fueled with "if you don't do it THIS way only, then you're not doing it at all/it's not valid enough" attitudes. If anything, people with disabilities often have to put in EXTRA effort to do what able-bodied people can do effortlessly, even WITH the extra accessibility whenever it IS available (and by available I also mean affordable, because not everything IS, and not all options are available for everybody; price/cost accessibility is something many people don't even consider in some cases!!!). Not all of it is because of difficulty, necessarily, but it's a fact of reality.
Accessibility isn't laziness. For the able-bodied, it can be convenience. For the disabled, it's a matter of getting that extra helpful boost, or the ability to do a task at all, without having to find somebody to do it for you (if that's even an option to begin with).
I know I really can't speak for most groups directly, nor can I relay the experience of every kind of disability besides my own experiences over the years, but I'm genuinely troubled by the "trend" of people STILL (even increasingly) dismissing accessibility tools, disabled people themselves, and anything that makes it easier to do something, to function, especially since there's absolutely nothing that could ever excuse such awful behavior towards people who deal with enough shit as is.
I don't just think of myself when I bring up accessibility and its benefits.
Because the fact of the matter is - even those who have no disabilities could benefit from the accessibility options for those that do, even if it is simply a convenience for most. It takes effort to make something inaccessible, and it would take so little to make a big difference even for some.
And on that note.
It's not laziness. It never was.
#ableism#disability#accessibility#i know this post doesn't cover a lot of stuff#but it's mostly to highlight a bigger issue that exists#it's 2024 and disabled people STILL have to fucking prove how disabled they are#to be taken even a little more seriously in the first place#and so many disabilities aren't even seen as “real disabilities” by some#because you “can't see them” or “you're not disabled if you're not wheelchair-bound forever”#or “if you dress in anything but rags then are you ACTUALLY disabled”#i hope i didn't misspell anything... i re-read it a couple times but even so I sometimes miss things#dyslexia does make it hard to make posts this long but I feel like these discussions HAVE to happen at some point#I hope more people can share their experiences too#I'd be glad to learn about challenges I haven't brought up that are faced by people with disabilities that I myself don't have#Every disability is different so everybody faces different challenges#And my experiences may not be universal but I did try to express how I deal with some of my struggles with the options available to me
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when my roommates put things back in the kitchen incorrectly it makes me frustrated and angry. apparently, did you know, this is not a thing all or most humans experience ? some people don't have an intense emotional reaction to things not being stacked in the optimal way, or pans not being put back in their "usual" spot. did you know this. did you.
#personal#I'm having an online interview on autism tomorrow and so I'm researching and reflecting more#not like this is ground breaking or anything but just. it's interesting to me that this typically doesn't elicit an emotion for people.#I've been crying a lot over autism videos#I haven't had a chance to process my diagnosis yet really and there's still so much for me to learn and accept about autism#like feeling shame and guilt bcs of disability has been a huge problem for me lately. not being able to accomplish what I want to.#and seeing videos of other autistic ppl who were really attached to the idea of who they would become when they got older#or identified a lot with who they were while masking#and now have to let go of those things. and figure out who they actually are and are capable of doing without burnout.#whoof man. its a lot. i still haven't let go of who i thought id be when i grew up. to the extent that said struggle is part of my identity.#it's just. I am autistic. several medical professionals familiar with autism saw me and went 'yeah you are autistic'.#I spent so long learning how to better cope with my depression.#and it turns out some of that advice is opposite to what you need if its autistic burnout instead#which im gonna assume i just kinda had both going on at various times#i just. im not sure what to do with my life.#but i guess first i have to make my life more baseline liveable and enjoyable before i start pondering that#change is hard. basically. thats what this was about.
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one more chapter to go before the deadline gf
#:)#i have until the end of this month to get the novel excerpt done and then all of november for the accompanying thesis chapter(s)#HOWEVER the book is a slow burn folk horror mostly about familial abuse in the first act so i'm leaning on my uminekobrain hard to carry me#very very very fortuitous these things intellectually overlap to make my life easier. this will not be the case in my second year however#still quiet rn but please understand i am being made to do six months worth of work in just under two and it's. A Lot!#like my bad for being in a disabled fugue state from april to september this was account on the disabled fugue state i got into. it happens#academia sees bitches with chronic fatigue and organ problems and goes 'you should kill yourself for not being able to keep up'#but ough i will not be beaten.............this i swear......................gotta win at all costs.................
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i think its kinda funny that ibis paint is regarded as the Broke Artist App or whatever (as opposed to more mainstream programs like csp or procreate) because its free and because of how popular it is with phone + finger artists while im jusg sitting here having used ibis for a cool eight years on purpose.
like i have an ipad and an apple pencil and all theyre very nice and i absolutely could move to a more powerful program i have the resources to do so but my change averse brain has decided they like it here a lot and im not leaving
#not talking smack on phone and finger artists btw. some of my mutuals use their fingers and their art goes crazy i respect that so much#even when i did use my phone (most of 14 crush was done on a phone!) i still had to use a cheap rubber stylus hahaha#anyway maybe ill try procreate someday but also i hate learning new programs and i like ibis's brushes too much#fingers crossed that they add fully custom brushes someday though#like id love to be one of those artists that makes really cool art with ridiculous shapes and nobody even knows until they tell you#younger artists might not know this but modern ibis is STACKED compared to how it was in 2015#like i remember when clipping layers were first implemented. and they sucked. like they didnt fully go over the lower layer#so it just left a gross tiny outline around the shape#and there wasnt any border or text tools either#and there was a hard cap on layer count depending on your device's storage and the canvas size#modifying brushes wasnt even a thing HAHAHAHAH you just used what you had#anyway okiku reference window unrelated shes just there for something else im working on<3#bri talks#for the record all this is to say i think the smack talk towards ibis is pretty unwarranted#like yeah maybe its not as powerful as a lot of these fancy paid apps but i honestly think its insanely good for being a free program#i think getting rid of the ads costs more now than it did when i paid to get rid of them but i mean#free with ads is still a lot more than csp's ever gonna give you!!!!#(psst. secret from me to you! you wont get any ads if you disable the app's data usage and turn off wifi when you use it)#(alternatively just use airplane mode but you can still get texts and stuff the first way)
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Laios wouldn't judge me or make me feel bad for being excited about things I enjoy.
#victor beeps#sometimes i feel guilty for being happy#i hate feeling like too much all the time#i always feel too weird for my best friend. i could tell i was annoying her tonight but switching topics so much#and when i got in i was infodumpping to my mom about resident evil and she just waved me off#we were watching that ''welcome to raccoon city'' movie and it made very grumpy#NOT the topic for today but i do NOT like that movie#just. i wouldn't get rid of my autism for anything it's a part of me and makes me *Me*#but it is still a disability and makes a lot of things hard for me and makes me feel Not So Great sometimes#i love my best friend and gc friends so much but i still feel like i can't be 100% myself around them#but laios would finally be that person!#he'd *get* me. we'd just get each other so well#he wouldn't get annoyed when i spoke really fast and bounced around on topics#he wouldn't wave me off or just want me to shut up#i think i'd finally feel truly loved and accepted and wanted#i didn't expect laios to remind me so much of myself!#to everyone else he's weird and off-putting and annoying#and i am too#but to each other we're so wonderful and perfect#we could be in love with each other in peace without ever worrying that we're too much for the other
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ik ive not been active at all anyways sort of explanation/me complaining in tags
#i have gotten progressively worse lately in terms of physical health and its just taken a lot out of me tbh#over the past few months ive developed chronic pain and fatigue drs still arent sure if its fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue but whatev#in any case ive been in tremendous pain everywhere it's not been fun at all#i also have this new thing where i get a tremor if i hold things too hard and while it is relatively painless it still is making life harde#esp since i am an art student so im kind of stuck not rly knowing what to do atp#ive just not been in the best mindset and while i recognise that disability is not ugly in any way i do just feel harder to love now#like i dont think my personality is fun enough to make up for all this idk if that makes any real sense#ive also been temporarily put on birth control its a long story but it's only until i get scheduled for a minor surgery most probably#but yanno birth control has unfun side effects and i feel like im going crazy most days#ik this all probably sounds pretty silly but idk. its been hard to feel genuinely attractive lately.#forgot to add this but there was some other stuff that happened thats definitely effecting just my self image and libido and stuff lately#long story short someone i trusted ended up crossing multiple physical boundaries and passed uncomfortable comments abt me and similar shit#its not been fun to deal with in any way yk?
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anyway yeah relevant to that post abt being deaf/hoh and ppl excluding u from conversation bc of it (even unintentionally), that's smth that's been really deeply bothering me lately bc there are a few ppl I routinely have to deal with who do it a lot and it Pisses Me The Fuck Off I've lost all patience w them. giving up and calling it ableism and walking out idc anymore 🚶♂️
#theres a guy at work whos incredibly annoying for it but tbh hes bad at his job in general anyway n everyones annoyed at him all the time#so at least i get some solidarity from my other coworkers (who are generally rly accommodating of my deafness)#i dunno how he hasnt got the memo ive explained im deaf so he needs to face me n make sure he has my attention n enunciate multiple times#but nope still not getting thru to him! so half the time if he starts mumbling i just pointedly ignore him until he either speaks more#clearly or goes away lmao#and same with a friend of a friend im sure hes a nice guy and everyone else seems to like him n hes in our main discord server so i cant#avoid him as easily and ive been so tolerant of it but hes worn thru my patience entirely and idc abt trying to be nice anymore#if he comes on call and starts mumbling and sidelining me from the conversation i just put him on mute im not dealing with that anymore#i dont fucking care if its petty and rude to do that. im tired of trying to understand him and dealing with how left out he makes me feel#i hope he picks up on the hostility n feels unwanted so maybe then he'll understand what its like for me and fix his behaviour 👍#bc i have no other way of communicating that with him anymore. since I CANT FUCKING HEAR HIM!!!!!#he also has a lot of other annoying behaviour which is fine but this is my limit its so disrespectful and outside of my control#make space for my disability or go away forever#not sure if we could even be friends if he did change now bc hes soured my impression of him so much by this point.#sad! well theres other guys#im glad everyone ive met at climbing so far has been pretty good abt it. really not that hard to do!#anyway rant over lol. at least the guy at work is only on a temp contract so only have to deal w him for a few more months#unfortunately since the rest of that group is friends w this other guy he'll prolly be around longer. but oh well lmao#just crossing my fingers he'll drift away n never open discord again so ill never have to deal w his shitty crackly mic mumbling#or maybe he'll stop fucking calling from whatever wind tunnel hes in and properly join in on our movie nights instead!!!!!#it is sad bc i think he has similar music taste to me. there are def some things we have in common that could form a basis for friendship#but hes gone n ruined it innit#aaaanyway oops started complaining again... the bitch grind never ends#im gonna shower n go back to elden ringing it.... fare thee well#.diaries
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I learned what a bullet journal was by watching a few YouTube artists set theirs up and my algorithm spiraled out of control from there so I guess I have all the bujo influencers to thank for getting into it because it has been a godsend so far on my third attempt, but damn if the over emphasis on aesthetic over the actual practical organizational aspect of it doesn't rankle me a bit
[thirty rambling tags later] huh. I didn't know there was a thirty tag limit in all the years I've been on tumblr. Whatevs I can't copy paste the tags onto the main body because I'm on mobile and I don't want to write it out again so I'll just summarize the last bit here:
If you are browsing the bujo tag because you feel bullet journaling will help you but you feel intimated because you don't think you can make it look pretty, or that the bullet journal method could never help you because it looks exhausting or the inspo you see doesn't cover what you need, I am pleading with you to ignore all the pretty inspiration, take the most common and even original Ryder Carroll formats and spreads with a grain of salt and eliminate or change them as needed, and talk to people who have similar needs than you even if they don't bujo and suss out what's important to keep track of. My bujo is eighty percent important medical bullshit, because that's what I need more than a book tracker. You prolly have your own unique needs. And hell, if you want a book tracker then add a booktracker. It's your bujo to format and plan out.
So like if you want to start bullet journaling, go to Michaels and get a seven dollar Artist's Loft dot grid journal. Or a binder you have left over from school years past and print out your own dot grid paper if you have enough ink and paper and printer that can do double sided (Kevin McLeod's site I forget the name of has free adjustable dot and other grids I've used), or buy a pack of 8.5x11 dot grid paper, and grab a crappy hole punch that just barely does the job. Get yourself a nice pen you think looks and feels nice in your hand and on the paper–or if that doesn't matter to you go get pack of Bics or even pencil if that's what you prefer (I use a pencil for things I can't have be permanent, like temporary meds or the dates of yearly vaccines). If you're twitchy about messing up then get the cheapest wite out they have (but don't worry about messing up especially if you're not even showing it off to anybody). A cheap yellow highlighter if you think it'll help. And a ruler if straight lines are important to you. I lost mine so I just wobble my lines now I don't care (and it's marginally easier to get a line adjacent to straight with a dot grid)
Anyway. If you want to bullet journal but don't know where to start or how to make it pretty or how to make it work for your needs, just try it in the cheapest way possible and rearrange the guts of the bujo as you see fit. And don't worry about the optics as long as you can make sense of your methods and writing.
(and for the love of God if you're bipolar don't make an hourly mood tracker yes our moods can and will fluctuate throughout the day but goddamn was that a bitch to log and abandoned a few weeks after inking it out)
#i see this with in regular journaling/diary circles too#people saying 'i want to start a bujo/diary but I'm not good enough at art ☹️'#like more power to you if you can make it pretty but it shouldn't be the primary emphasis especially with how useful it is#(it's especially depressing with just regular diaries and journals because like. you're under no obligation to share that shit with anybody)#I'm on my third bujo attempt because i got overwhelmed with my first two because i didn't know how to customize it with me and my needs#the most i got about symptom tracking was like a weekly layout checking off if the criteria was hit#and mood tracking was like daily smiley or frowny face in the corner#like my siblings in planning that is not enough for my chronically ill bipolar ass lol#i went way overboard my first attempt with just mood tracking. i planned it out HOURLY. every week#and that got overwhelmingly tedious and i use overwhelmingly deliberately. so i just stopped mood tracking#and then the whole thing got overwhelming so i stopped it entirely#gave it another shot because my method of scheduling things and symptom tracking was to write appointments and symptoms on post its#and pray they didn't fall off and i could remember where i even put them#and i see a lot of doctors so that was a LOT post its to keep track of#so i did another bujo but had the same problem as lack of resources and inspo and how to make it work for my needs#plus future logs were hard to parse AND i often felt too tired to lay out a new month or two every time#so like there were just whole months and the symptoms and appointments within just missing and i might as well not even have a bujo#so i stopped that one too#FINALLY after a little bit more watching Ryder Carroll and looking at prefab medical planners that were still woefully inadequate#AND MORE IMPORTANTLY talking to my fellow chronically ill. mentally ill. disabled. or all three. friends on what i should jot down#i finally got a system that worked for me thus far#i got rid of even staples like future logs and just laid out a monthly calendar format because that was easier FOR ME#and i laid out the year in advance so i could still have the scheduling part of i was too tired to do entire layouts at the beginning of the#month#my mood tracker was merged with my symptom tracker and turned into a symptoms *list*#with a section for every specialist i see. mood stuff just went under psych/therapist#also i switched to a binder format instead of a bound book for even more flexibility#i can easily remove things i no longer need. i can rearrange what goes in what section. i can easily add more to a section before the next#bujo#bullet journal
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talking about having a circadian rhythm disorder is so odd because it is so hard to pin down where it falls as a disability. its like. im able bodied but its not as though it isnt still a physical disability. am i making any sense there idk. just. whatever. you know
#it makes me think a lot about the perceived dichotomy between physical and mental conditions when really there isnt a hard line yk#i never know if its my place to say anything when people post about being disabled#cos its like . well i know they arent thinking about people w “grey area” conditions like me. nobody talks about sleep disorders etc#especially not circadian rhythm disorders. might as well not exist in the eyes of like 99% of people. i think lots of people dont even-#-realize you Can have a busted circadian rhythm#like it seems as though it is just unfathomable to people. that some of us dont have that intrinsic 24 hour day.#by all accounts it is a disability. it keeps me from doing a great many things. but i dont feel like im “allowed” in disabled spaces still#sorry. just rambling#kd#n24 tag#.pdf
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Just finished The Santaroga Barrier by Frank Herbert (my dad likes to play audiobooks in the car on trips) and I didn't like it much (and there's quite a bit of Yikes in it, because frank herbert and the 1960s in general,) but the aspect I found most interesting was the concept of like. A world's subconscious desire to kill The Other.
In the book an investigator visits a small cultish town in order to investigate it for a market study after a few other researchers mysteriously died. he gets into a frightening number of "accidents" while he's there (like the former investigators) and starts believing that there was a conspiracy among the townsfolk and all of them were intentionally trying to murder him.
tl;dr, it turns out it actually was a subconscious yet intense phobia/hatred they had of The Outside they had as part of their personal traumas, childhood indoctrination into their local cult, and the LSD-like drug they were constantly on. They didn't mean the investigator any harm, if anything they were extremely welcoming, kind, well-meaning people, but this background radiation of fear and rage kept making them accidentally do things to kill him - mixing up insecticide and spices in his food, gas fumes being pumped in his hotel room after a botched maintenance job, a torn carpet tripping him off the railing of the balcony, and Many Other subtle attempts on his life that he just happened to avoid by sheer chance.
But all the townsfolk don't really think anything of it - the town doctor, especially skeptical, "diagnoses" him as "accident-prone" until the investigator begs and pleads with him for days after several brutal accidents in a row, and only then does the doctor start believing him but even then only comes up with the theory that all of this supposed malice towards the investigator is "subconscious" - later shown to likely be correct when the investigator himself, after overdosing on their special drug, "accidentally" shoves his colleague off a roof, killing him, but the investigator physically cannot see it as anything but an accident anymore. it simply doesn't reach his mind that he killed a former friend of his. it was just an accident. he just fell, all on his own.
the idea of A Town That Wants To Kill You, But It's Nothing Personal resonated with me from the perspective of being a disabled person, especially one in a generally welcoming, accepting environment. when you're disabled, not a lot of people will come to you bearing their ableism between their teeth. They'll be nice, insensitive maybe, but nice, and are often outwardly willing to accomodate you. But they also stick out their leg as you're walking along to trip you. They'll apologize, and you'll maybe even believe it, even though to you, from your perspective, it was obviously an attempt to harm you. You excuse it once, maybe twice, but after a point, you realize that this world, this community you have entered, is actively hostile towards you and everyone like you. so you start screaming it to the rooftops. you tell authorities that the world wants to hurt you, but they begin affixing labels to you like "paranoid" or "anxious". they know no one actually has it out for you, personally, after all. that would be ridiculous.
but you still keep getting tripped down the stairs. the rat poison and the sugar at your favorite coffee shop still keep getting mixed up, but only when it's your order. in the hospital, recovering from your previous "accidents", a nurse will still accidentally pump you full of saline instead of medicine.
after a point, doesn't the fact that all of these are "accidents", and that no one WANTS to kill you, just... stop mattering a little bit? Yeah, no one wants to hurt you, but they just keep doing it. They keep making stupid little mistakes. They know everyone like you who has visited their community has died or been seriously injured under suspicious circumstances, but the idea that they, themselves, could be a little bit at fault just doesn't even register to them. they don't even consider that they might have to change their ways in order to protect people like you. After all, you can't prepare for every "freak accident". Even when the solution could be as simple as "stop putting rat poison next to the sugar", every time it happens to you, or a person like you, it's just an "accident", that no one "meant" any harm, and "nothing could be done".
it doesn't cross their mind that a string of unfortunate accidents ceases to be accidents, but serious negligence. it can't cross their mind, because they're not the victims here. they only even begin to acknowledge something might be wrong when the victims are screaming in their face, day after day. even then, they come to the conclusion that even if you're right, and the community does want to kill you because you are Other, they won't immediately see anything wrong with that. To Them, the answer is clear as day: just become one of Them, and you'll be safe. They take care of their own.
#this isn't even really what the santaroga barrier is even about i just found this to be a useful structure for talking about disability#It's not... NOT what it's about??#it's definitely got themes of Otherness#but it's more about like.#My dad put it as 'how much of your individuality would you give up to live in paradise'#which is also interesting to think about but . imo if i have to give up parts of myself it would no longer be paradise#But also a lot of what the cult-town tries to get you to 'give up' is. like. Believing in capitalism#And to me it definitely feels like Herbert was on the santarogan's side with that part at least but it's still interesting that that's like#it's still interesting that That of all things is what you have to give up in order to Become Santarogan.#Like. Personally i'd have to change very little to become a santarogan. the trade off for me is not that huge#which makes the protagonist actually seem a little unhinged and unnecessarily hostile#Does daesin just want to believe in capitalism That Badly even when he doesn't understand that that's what this is about#Is it like the scene from They Live where the protagonist tries to get his friend to wear the Anticapitalism Sunglasses but the friend#just refuses point blank even though he has no reason to?#idk. it's definitely an interesting premise. but the racisms. and the misogynies. it's really hard to look past that#especially the part where one black character describes himself like#'before [santaroga] i was an ignorant [n slur hard r]. now i am an educated n-gro“#which was just. holy fucking shit. that is unspeakably awful. shut the fuck up frank#Also a part where a woman disrobes herself to prove herself to be no harm to the investigator [her fiancee]#and he says something like. 'you're so beautiful i just might rape you' and shes just like teehee thats sweet :)#Which. Bad. Very nasty. Don't say that.#And the general concept of potentially using that woman to lure the investigator into the cult. it's unclear how much of that was#on purpose on the part of santarogans but it does have this slimy Women Are Evil Temptresses That Trap Men In Bad Situations miasma to it#anyways. sorry for blabbing on and on about a 50 year old book by the same guy who wrote dune which is clearly an unquestionable masterpiece#/s.#I just had no choice in listening to this story while sitting in the back of a car on Very Empty Montana And Wyoming Highways#so I might as well rotate it just a little I guess. nothing better to do
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#so thinking abt my inability to do things in thr context of my 0cd is interesting. bc i would say my primary problem is my obsessive#compulsive behavior and inflexibility. idk if thr inflexibility is inherent to me bc its part of the reason i got stamped with aut1sm or but#its part of what maked it so hard to tell if i had 0cd or not. bc im just so fucking rigid and structured abt literally everything without#any reason. y do i have to do X thing and i cant do Y thing? idk my brain just says i cant. which kinda does align with 0cd more or just#like something compulsive. and its sorta weird bc i think im a lot more aligned with purely obsessional 0cd. so i dont do a lot of external#ritual. its more abstract. like constantly i have to work or b perfect or else i start getting intrusive thoughts. always thr same ones. and#to make them go away i have to physically suffer usually thru overworking to my mental breaking point or sometimes more direct ways#when its really bad. and then i have to keep working. and i do a lot of fucking ruminating. fucking constand catogorizing and pathological#self reflection. again i have high standards and high affinity for self punishment which is a lot to deal with. its exhausting and misery#making. and the annoying thing is that im like this for a reason. i mean it makes sense. having a learning disability plus bad short term#working memory plus some mood weirdness. ive created a structure that makes me productive but also creates so much pressure thst i cant#function at all sometimes. and whats worse is that even then even with the amount of checking i do i am still a master of fucking up the lil#things. i forgot to write my name in the autoclave list and caused problems for ppl bc i forgot when i went up there Even tho i new i needed#to. i also forgot to put thr foam cap on a liquid nitrogen tank which would have been SO FUCKING BAD if it all evaporated. so many samples#woulf have been lost bc i just fucking forgot to put it back. that was just this week. idk i just forget things like that. i left a freezer#door open in hs and we lost everything in the freezer. i also fucked up an whole experiment by not reading a schedule right. and its really#frustrating not being able to trust that youve done the right thing in the past. not to mention all the bullshit i mislabel but thats more#dys1exia realated. alas. i check and check and get anxious spikes of: FUCK DID I DO X? for a reason. but also its no fun#unrelated
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