#both had depression and we struggled a lot in my childhood

[3liza]

surprisingly mortalityplays is not my blood sibling but rather a precious mutual i have never met, because my childhood was nearly identical. I wanted to reblog this with an actual post because I want people to know that parents like this exist in more than one place and it is not just one mythological occurrence. anyone can raise children like this and many people choose to do so! if your parents mistreated you in the name of "discipline" that was fucked up and you didn't deserve that, but you do deserve to know about it. also I was extremely well behaved as a result of all this. other adults would routinely compliment my behavior to my parents, I was not a spoiled hellion as a result of this star trek style parenting. it does work and it makes polite, reasonable, cooperative children who are easy to raise.

I am exceptionally lucky in that my parents never hit me, grounded me, confiscated my things, banned me from my hobbies or threatened any of these actions to make me behave as a kid. as an adult it has made me realise how very very long a road most people have to traverse before they can take a statement like 'no rule that must be enforced by threat is legitimate' seriously.

[theficpusher]

If This Is To End In Fire by Jiksa | E | 4306 Apocalypse makes it sound a lot more glamorous than it actually is.

It's Been a Minute Since I Called You by winterschild | nr | 5336 “Hi, mum. It’s been a minute since I called ya. I know you won’t get this, but I’m going to leave a message anyway.” He didn’t want to feel alone. In order to cope with grief, Louis has been paying for his mum's phone so he can leave her voicemails to calm him down. One day, when he forgets to pay her bill, the number disconnects and is later given to Harry Styles, a baker with a kind heart. On a drunken night, Louis leaves another voicemail, but how will Harry respond to this man, who sounds so broken? OR This is a self-indulgent, Louis centric fic about grief and a very kind person who takes concern for the small Doncaster boy with a somewhat broken heart.

Always Keep You Next To Me by lululawrence | nr | 8325 Louis jumped when the passenger side door opened and Greg somehow folded his entire lanky frame into the car. “Hey, thanks for waiting for me,” Greg said with a small smile before buckling up. “Do I get the honor?” Right. Louis couldn’t drive safely with Will’s remains in his arms. It was just ever since his mom had handed the urn over to him last night, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to let it go. He’d even curled up around it on Will’s childhood bed as he called his cell over and over again, just to hear his voice once more. Fuck. When Louis' twin dies, Louis decides to take the birthday road trip they were meant to take together with Will's best friend Greg instead. As they both mourn Will's death and celebrate his life, Louis and Greg become closer and maybe start to heal a little bit too.

Keep Driving by dead_tobeginwith | M | 11726 The first time Louis picks him up, it’s raining. He slides into the backseat smelling like hospital, like plasters and cleaning products and burnt coffee. He shuts the door and leans against the window, folding his arms protectively across his chest. He sighs heavily and closes his eyes. There’s a crease between his brows. It must have been a long day. Louis feels it when one of his knobby knees starts bobbing an uneasy rhythm. Bad news, then. Or waiting for bad news. Sometimes purgatory is the worst kind of hell. Either way, he says nothing. Louis watches his breath fog the window in the rearview mirror. When he drops him at the station, there’s a little frowny face fading in the misted glass. _________ OR Louis works as a driver contracted through the local cancer institute. All of his clients are associated with the hospital—mostly patients and their families heading home. One rainy afternoon, he picks up Harry.

You Might Want to Marry My Husband by Rearviewdreamer | nr | 24528 When Harry’s husband dies, he asks one thing of him; to find love and happiness again without him. It’s a request that Harry is happy to disregard, until he meets the one person who is impossible to ignore.

like a timebomb ticking by infinitelymint | M | 31734 Louis loses everything. Harry's still there.

we should open up (before it's all too much) by disgruntledkittenface | M | 43129 “I’m not–” Harry breaks off, his voice strangled as he clutches his phone in his hand. He takes a breath and looks up, trying to keep the tears threatening to spill over at bay. “Louis, I’m not very good company these days. I–” “Harry,” Louis interrupts, his raspy voice soft and soothing. “I get it. Sometimes it’s just easier to be alone, yeah?” Harry nods, blinking back the last of his tears. “But it can get lonely,” Louis states. Harry nods again even though it wasn’t a question, finally looking back at him. “So why don’t we try being alone, together?” Struggling with grieving and depression since his dad died, Harry has never felt so alone. It’s too much to cope with on his own, but he feels like a burden when he tries to open up with people. Then he meets Louis.

Plant New Seeds in the Melody by 28sunflowers | E | 58700 After losing his husband in a tragic car accident, the last thing Louis needs is to keep running into popstar Harry Styles, who David was quite fond of. Obviously, that’s exactly what keeps happening. But as their unlikely friendship blossoms, Louis realizes that, maybe, having Harry in his life was the only good thing that came out of his adverse circumstances. Harry could be just the right person to help Louis find trust and intimacy in someone new.

shelter as we go by fondleeds | nr | 75094 Louis looks at him like his words might break him, glass about to splinter, one wrong footfall away from shattering into a million tiny pieces. “Hey,” Harry breathes, and he knows, meeting Louis’ eyes, that his words could break him easy as anything. He almost wants Louis to bring his boot down. - AU. Nova Scotia, 1968.

[umlewis]

Lewis Hamilton: I've Struggled With Depression From A Very Early Age

From Formula One glory to making a film with Brad Pitt, at 39, the sports star is more successful than ever. It's been tough, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

Sir Lewis Hamilton is the most successful Formula 1 driver in history, with 105 (at the time of writing) grand prix victories to his name, as well as seven championships and a knighthood in 2021. What makes this achievement even more extraordinary is Hamilton's background. He is the first and only black man to race in F1, a sport dominated by the gilded progeny of wealthy white families. A child of mixed heritage-his father, Anthony, is of Grenadian descent; his mother, Carmen, is a white woman from Birmingham-Hamilton was partly raised on a council estate in Stevenage, his family sacrificing so much to get him to the track. "I am grateful I had that experience. I remember not having any money. I remember the struggle of my parents. I feel that's an advantage," he says. "Did you fight harder on the track because it was so tough for you to get there," I ask. "One thousand per cent," he replies. We are meeting at the Kensington Roof Gardens (Hamilton has a home in London, as well as Monaco, Geneva, Colorado and New York). He is a vision in expensive beige: Maison Margiela slacks, chunky Bottega Veneta boots, a Dries Van Noten cardigan, Dior bracelets, Cartier rings, a pearl necklace he bought online, twinkly little studs, one for each side of his nose, his hands a collage of geometric tattoos. But his love of fashion goes beyond amassing a "dream" wardrobe. He has collaborated with Tommy Hilfiger on several collections and has just been made guest designer at Dior, for whom he has a debut collection coming this autumn, the palette for which was inspired by his travels in Africa, particularly Nigeria. Hamilton agrees it's a busy time for him. At the end of this season he will be moving to Ferrari, after twelve years with Mercedes. "It's been a rollercoaster of emotions from the moment I signed the contract. Telling my boss, that was terrifying. But it's so exciting because I remember as a kid watching Michael. Every driver watches that car and you're like, 'What would it be like to sit in the red cockpit?'" He is a quiet presence, boyish almost, despite his 39 years. He uses euphemisms for swearwords such as "frick" and "shoot." He doesn't drink, is "plant-based," and loves hanging out with his nieces and nephew, playing Uno and Fortnite, chucking them about in the pool on holiday. "I'm really good with the kids," he says, setting aside his oat latte. "With them I feel like I'm able to be the kid that I am."

Hamilton's own childhood was not so carefree. His parents separated when he was two, his father meeting his new wife, Linda, at British Rail, where they both worked. Sundays with his dad were spent watching Formula 1. This was the era of the talismanic Brazilian driver Ayrton Senna, Hamilton's hero. It was during a holiday in Ibiza that he first got in a go-kart. "I was hooked," he says. "The adrenaline, the chaos, trying to control it. You feel it in your chest, your emotions, through your fingers, everything." Hamilton's dad bought him a kart for Christmas when he was eight. "I think he just wanted something to do with me, this kid that had all this energy, that had no fear." He describes himself, back then, as a "Tasmanian devil," a child who didn't enjoy school, who had undiagnosed dyslexia, who was shy - but behind the wheel "something flowed through me. It was the only thing I was confident in." The family began to orientate their existence around Hamilton's racing, his father taking extra jobs, while his stepmum spent all her savings on his new passion. Hamilton won his first race when he was ten. "That was really empowering for me," he says, 'Because I was competing against a lot of wealthier families."

It was also around this time that Senna died, his car crashing into a concrete barrier during the San Marino Grand Prix. "I was with my dad; we were working on the go-kart. I remember going to the front and crying, bawling my eyes out. I couldn't cry in front of my dad. He was not that kind of guy." Hamilton suppressed his grief, in the same way that he suppressed his emotions about the bullying and racism he endured. "There was no escaping it. You experience it at school, in the parks, walking through town. I didn't understand it and my parents never spoke to me about it. They never explained what was going on. My dad was just, 'Keep your head down, hold it in, don't say anything, just beat them on the track, that's all you can do.'" So that was what he did. When Hamilton was thirteen he was offered a place on the McLaren driver development team. His father became his manager, looking after all elements of his career, including finance. "Even when I got to Formula 1, at 22, I had no comprehension of money," he says. Hamilton's first F1 season was in 2007, his first championship win in 2008. But despite all that it gave him, despite his deep love of the sport, of competing, Hamilton found the world of F1 corporate and stifling. There was a requirement to conform, a residual feeling that just one misstep and the opportunities he had been given would be taken away. "It wasn't until I'd had some wins that I started to put my toe out of the box. Each time it was, like, you make one step and that rock's safe, but that next one was wobbly or would fall away. You'd get criticism about how you were presenting yourself. But I kept punching and kept fighting." Racing, like so much competitive sport, can be a lonely business. "You're nice and friendly outside the car," Hamilton says, "but in the car my dad would say you have to be ruthless, aggressive, sharp. In the car there are no friends." He found greater freedom, a sense of belonging and camaraderie, in the fashion world, attending his first show in 2007. "Everyone was wearing what they wanted. You didn't feel like you were being judged because everyone's on their own vibe. It was the first time I got into an environment where everyone was expressing themselves and I loved it."

Hamilton tried to bring some of that creative freedom to his professional life. In 2010 he sacked his father as manager. "Obviously parents try to protect their kids, forever I guess, and some don't want to let go. My dad struggled with that. There was a point when I was like, 'Look, I've done everything you've asked me to do, now let me live my life. I am going to have to make my own mistakes.' That was a really tough process." At the end of the 2012 season he left McLaren for Mercedes. "They gave me a lot more freedom," he says. He became involved in the look of the team, bringing in Hilfiger to help redesign the clothing. "But still if I felt there were wrongdoings, I didn't feel I could speak out." That all changed in 2020, when Hamilton watched a video of the murder of George Floyd by the policeman Derek Chauvin. "The cork popped. It had me on my knees in tears. All this emotion came out. It was such a strange experience because I don't remember crying since I was really young. I knew that I'd had enough, I really needed to speak out. There are people that are staying silent, people that feel voiceless, and I have this platform. Winning championships is an amazing thing, but what are you doing with it? What are you doing with your time on this planet?" These were the questions that Hamilton began asking himself during that pandemic year, which was also when he started meditating. "I would struggle initially to calm my mind, but it's a really great way of getting in touch with myself, my inner feelings, understanding what I want to do." These days he meditates every morning, waking at five, following this with a ten km run, which he sees as an extension of his meditation, a time to have ideas, to clear his mind.

"When I was in my twenties I had some really difficult phases. I mean, I’ve struggled with mental health through my life." What are we talking, I ask. Anxiety, depression? "Depression. From a very early age, when I was, like, thirteen . I think it was the pressure of the racing and struggling at school, the bullying. I had no one to talk to." I ask if he has ever seen a therapist. "I spoke to one woman, years ago, but that wasn't really helpful. I would like to find someone today." He has gone on silent retreats and reads books about mental health, including The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. "You're learning about things that have been passed down to you from your parents, noticing those patterns, how you react to things, how you can change those. So what might have angered me in the past doesn't anger me today. I am so much more refined." The year 2020 was a time of profound personal change. Hamilton took the knee before every race he entered that year. He advocated for change within his industry, initiating the Hamilton Commission to research the underrepresentation of black people in UK motorsport and the STEM sector. Using this information, he launched Mission 44, a charity to help young people around the world overcome social injustice, investing £20 million (he is worth an estimated £350 million) into the project.

He also started moving into other spheres with greater purpose, including fashion and music. He developed a non-alcoholic drink, Almave, and set up a film production company. "I want to be able to tell diverse stories. Film has changed my life. There is so much inspiration I have received," he says. One of his first co-productions is F1, the upcoming movie with Brad Pitt and a more diverse vision of the circuit, including a female technical director. "That was important to me. I lived with my dad, but I was really raised by my two mums and my two sisters. I grew up around a lot of female energy, powerful women. Most of the people on my team are women. The women hold it down." And, of course, there is Pitt playing a driver in his fifties. "That was a tricky part for me," Hamilton says, "because, shoot, of course we want Brad. But I was like, there is no way a 58 year old can compete with a twenty year old. These guys have got nothing going on but to race. And they're fit. So we had to work around this narrative, telling him how much harder he would have to train to get in shape." Hamilton himself is old for an F1 driver, most of whom retire in their thirties. His replacement at Mercedes, the Italian Kimi Antonelli, has only just turned eighteen. You could be his dad, I say, and Hamilton laughs like this hadn't actually occurred to him. "Honestly, right now I feel I'm healthier than I've ever been," he says. "I'm in such a good place, physically and mentally. My reaction times are still quicker than the young guys. I think I'm a better driver than I was at 22. I was just young, energetic and ruthless, but no finesse, no balance. I didn't know how to be a team player, how to be a leader. Being a good racing driver, it's not just about being fast. It's about being the most rounded. When I study the legends, they're spread between small percentages, so it's the whole package. What do they speak for, stand for? That's what I look at. I look to Ayrton Senna and Nelson Mandela, and those are the two people gelled together that I want to be."

Senna used to cross himself before every race. Like him, Hamilton was raised a Catholic. "I pray every time before I race," he says. "I pray that everyone is safe." Motor racing is far less dangerous than it used to be, but people still die. I ask Hamilton if he fears death when he drives. "I don't, no," he says. "But still, we're traveling at crazy speeds. You have to respect it. So that's why I'm conscious of the time I spend with my family, with my mum. Is this the last time I get to hug her? Because you just don't know. Nothing is guaranteed." Hamilton is single, but he would like to have a family. "One day. I wouldn't be able to do what I do to the level that I do it today with that. One of my best friends has just had a kid and I'm seeing how manic it is. And my nieces and nephew are a handful. There will be a time and a place for it, and I can't wait for that part. But right now I have some work to do."

[redgoldsparks]

December Reading and Reviews

I post my reviews throughout the month on Storygraph and Goodreads, and do roundups here and on patreon. Reviews below the cut.

I’m Laughing Because I’m Crying written and read by Youngmi Mayer

I was only vaguely aware of Youngmi Mayer from tiktok before picking up the audiobook of this blunt and honest memoir, read by the author. I think experiencing it as an audiobook greatly enhanced my experience- the sections in which the author's voice shook with emotion when describing, in particular, the hardships her family experienced during the Japanese occupation of Korea, meant the memories hit much harder than they might have if I was reading in print. Overall I was very impressed by Mayer's insights on her multi-cultural mixed-race childhood, how her parents' traumas impacted their ability to be present for their kids, and how that damage played out in her teens and early twenties. This book tackles a lot of heavy subjects including colonial violence, bullying, fat-shaming, eating disorders, drug use, suicide, and depression. The tone, which is almost aggressively matter-of-fact, with flashes of piercing insight and occasional jokes, kept me riveted. I do wish a late chapter on a brief queer relationship had been more thoughtful; that was one section that felt kind of half-baked and unnecessarily gender-binary. But overall I'd still recommend this memoir, especially for those looking for critical takes on the fault lines of both Korean and American culture.

Blue Period vol 1 by Tsubasa Yamaguchi 

This manga follows a high school boy who's good at school, has a pack of friends, but no specific ambitions in life. A few comments by a charismatic art teacher challenge him to try and honestly express himself through art. A competitive streak pushes him to join the art club and begin actually applying himself. Along the way, the teacher and his fellow art club members explain many concrete basics of drawing from life, and how to apply to art colleges in Japan. These aspects of the story reminded me of the real-life manga creation information included in Bakuman. I like the idea of a manga series focused on fine art and the challenges and rewards of pursuing it. I did struggle with the fact that the drawing in this book is only okay. Some of the figure drawing of characters is downright bad, with bizarre pose choices. There are also some kind of confusing interactions between the characters early on- one member of the art club is either a cross-dresser or trans femme, and the way this character and the main character talked it felt like they were supposed to be childhood friends? I kept expecting a flashback to their earlier relationship that never came. So, we'll see if I end up reading more. Great concept, mid-level execution.

She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat vol 1 by Sakaomi Yuzaki translated by Caleb Cook 

This slow-burn lesbian comic is as cute as everyone has been saying. A woman who loves cooking elaborate meals, but lives alone, notices a female neighbor in the apartment complex carrying a huge amount of takeout food home. Impulsively, she invites her neighbor in for dinner. This begins a gentle routine of joint shopping, cooking, and meal planning together. Will this food-based friendship develop into something more? I will have to keep reading to find out!

Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion written and read by Jia Tolentino 

This book was written in 2017-2018, and I still often hear essays from it quoted, especially the opening piece "The I in the Internet". Some of the essays in here already feel a bit passed their sell-by date, but several of the ones I read after the most recent election still have teeth, especially "The Story of a Generation in Seven Scams", which made me furious, and "We Come from Old Virginia", examining rape culture on college campuses. I also enjoyed two two of the more personal/autobiographical pieces, "Reality TV Me" and "Ecstasy" quite a lot. Your mileage will vary with this book depending on what type of topics you care about, but I'm glad I finally picked up this collection.

Autoboyography by Christina Lauren read by Deacon Lee and Kyle Mason 

Set in Provo, Utah, this queer teen romance centers a bisexual, Jewish high school senior, Tanner, who is closeted at school despite being out to his supporting family. Tanner and his best friend Autumn decide to sign up for a notoriously difficult class in their last semester- a seminar in which the students try to write the complete first draft of a novel. Their TA for the class is a college freshman from BYU, Sebastian, who took the seminar the year before and produced a novel that actually had legs. He signed a book deal and has his first fantasy novel due out in the following summer. Also, he's tall, handsome, kind, generous, and very very Mormon. Tanner falls for him immediately. I found the first 1/3 of this book very rushed; the insta-love didn't really work for me. But when I got deeper into the novel I realized the authors had speed-run a meet cute because what they actually wanted to write was an established relationship. Tanner and Sebastian go through multiple ups and downs, breakups and makeups, book releases, college acceptances, family and friendship conflicts. Despite the pacing issues, it's an affirming story of queer acceptance in the end which I did enjoy on audio.

Off Stage Love Side by Kamome Oshima

A Japanese idol has been crushing on a man he met in a gay bar five years ago for his entire career. Then that man is assigned as his new bodyguard. Shocking twist! Fairly cute, but I honestly wished it had been a 5 book slow-burn instead of a single volume that ended with them getting together.

She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat vol 2 by Sakaomi Yuzaki translated by Caleb Cook 

This series is already getting more cute and more gay in book 2! Neighbors Nomoto and Kasuga continue to plan meals, shopping trips, and holidays together but now they are also beginning to share deeper feelings and memories from their lives. And also... Nomoto has her first lesbian crisis googling session. I'm rooting for these foodies! I hope they Uhaul in book 3.

Moomin Builds a House by Tove Jansson 

A short sweet arc from the early days of the Moomin comic strips, which show how Little My ended up living with the Moomin family. When she takes over his room, Moomin decides to build a whole new house. This is harder than he anticipated!

The Wood At Midwinter by Susanna Clarke

A very brief piece of winter magic.

[danikamariewrites]

Azriel x adhd!Reader

A/n: As someone with ADHD I struggle with a lot of stuff like my emotions and daily tasks. I like talking about it bc I don’t think it should be taboo and I hate the stigmatism around it that it’s just people being lazy. If your struggling with ADHD or any other mental health problems know you’re not alone ❤️

Warnings: mentions of mental health struggles, some angst

At first Azriel didn’t understand why your mood could be so up and down all the time. Or why you struggled with getting out of bed some days and others you had so much energy you didn’t know what to do with it.

You didn’t like loud noises, being touched unless you wanted too, and some textures overwhelmed your senses causing you to lash out.

You have a hard time communicating your feelings and he does too, which makes you both frustrated when one of you just brushes the other off or is passive aggressive.

Azriel notices you space out sometimes or that when he’s talking to you, you ask him to repeat things because you didn’t hear him. He thinks it’s odd but brushes it off as you just being preoccupied. He also picks up on your fidgeting but never thought anything of it

One day you both snap at each other resulting in the worst fight you’ve ever had

Azriel ends up going to Rhys for advice because he doesn’t want some stupid fight on a random Monday to be the reason you break up

Azriel tells his brother about the issues that have been building up over the last few months and Rhys, who’s been one of your best friends since childhood, tells him you’ve always been that way

He doesn’t go into detail, it’s your story to tell, but he does tell Az about when you were younger and your parents had Madja come give you a few tests. He remembered being a little nervous for you but you were fine. You just needed a little extra help and attention with things because your brain works differently

Azriel instantly feels bad that he didn’t know

“It’s ok Az, she didn’t even tell me until we were teenagers.” Rhys says sympathetically. “Yeah but I’m the one that’s supposed to be there for her, not get angry with her.” Rhys hugs his brother, insisting he stay the night and that time apart will do you both good

The next morning Az comes home to you baking in the kitchen

You had to move around or the thoughts of Azriel not coming home because you were too much of a burden were going to eat you alive

When you see him you try to apologize but he cuts you off asking if you could sit down and talk

“I don’t want to push, but Rhys told me about when you were younger and the testing with Madja.” He says gently

You take a deep breath, trying to blink your tears away

Sometimes it’s hard for you to talk about your ADHD because you hate to seem weak or different

But you’ve held back long enough and if you didn’t tell Azriel soon you knew you would get worse trying to mask it

You tell him everything. how your energy goes up and down, your depression and that it’s worse because you can’t find the energy to do things

You feel useless sometimes because you forget things or because you don’t listen

He hugs you as you cry into his chest, “I just feel so guilty being this way. I’m sorry Az.”

He brushes away your tears, “It’s ok my love. I know I don’t communicate well either. And I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt this way. It must’ve been killing you to keep it in.”

From that point forward Azriel was always there to make things better

Your communication improved and fights or the silent treatment became very rare

You weren’t afraid to tell him if something was bothering you or if you needed extra help or attention from him

Azriel and his shadows could pick up if you were being overstimulated or stressed out, so there were times you didn’t even need to ask

If you were out with the group and became uncomfortable Azriel would take you somewhere quite to help calm your anxiety

He’d wrap his wings around you so it would be dark and quite, helping slow your panicked breathing

“It’s ok baby, take a deep breath.” “That’s it, in and out, don’t rush.” “Here feel my heartbeat, can we try and match it?”

If you didn’t like how your sweater or dress was feeling that day he would be there with a back up or give you his own

“Are you sure Az, I don’t want to take it from you then you’ll be cold.” “Don’t worry about me baby, I just want you to be comfortable. Plus I’m built for the cold, Illyrian remember?”

Whenever you start fidgeting it’s usually if you’re bored or nervous. Azriel always keeps a little fidget toy or a pen on him so you can hold it and focus your energy on that. He knows you hate being thought of as a distraction and you think it’s better to focus on a small thing in your hands rather than swinging your feet or pushing your chair around

You thought him knowing about your ADHD would change how he feels about you or treat you differently. You bring this up to him one night in bed, “This doesn’t change the way I feel about you at all. You’re still perfect to me, my love. You just need extra help sometimes and it’s ok to ask for help.”

[lucysarah-c]

Was having fun reading the cuts that didn’t make chp8 until that last line….😢

No! Hahaha… maybe it says a lot about my sense of humor, but… I actually find it funny.

I have a lot of scenes that don’t make it to the final cut, mostly because I struggle to keep them while maintaining the story’s cohesion over time! Holy Ground, Mountain Spring, and Levi’s horrible flirting skills all have plenty of parts that didn’t make it in, haha.

As for my sense of humor… I talk about this a lot with a friend who’s Slavic. We both have an extremely dry sense of humor because we grew up in very difficult, depressing places, so you end up developing the ability to laugh at really harsh stuff. That’s probably why I believe Levi takes a lot of what happened in his childhood lightheartedly. When the environment you grow up in is tough, you kinda learn to laugh at it to survive.

It wouldn’t be the first time I made a joke in a fic and had readers comment on how sad it is—meanwhile, I’m just sitting there like:

Levi 🤝​(making jokes about stuff we shouldn't to cope with reality)​🤝 Me

[via01lactea]

FEAR AND HUNGER SPOILERS!!!

You all probably already know about the A ending plot in the game I can't help but stress how depressing it is if you play with Cahara

As far as I know, endings, with the exception of S endings, you can pull out pretty much any ending with any character and choosing who you play with will limit your knowledge of it (as the interactions you have with each when they are members of your party detail key canon points of their stories).

But this ending is simply appropriate for Cahara than any other character.

Because thinking about it, D'arce has the most interesting backstory (in my opinion) and her direct relationship with Le'garde is crucial to understanding the character.

But Cahara? I would say he has the most "human" story. The fact that he and the girl are doomed from the very beginning is very appropriate.

Cahara learned to live in fear and his life as a mercenary was his escape from starvation. That throughout his experience in the dungeons he was protecting the girl who -unbeknownst to all, was destined to transcend as the god of fear and hunger- is highly accurate for both characters.

I think a lot of people in the fandom fail to understand that this transcendence is, by definition, the total destruction of what was once the girl to evolve into "something else" outside the understanding of the characters and the player itself. And the final battle is just an attempt to avoid the inevitable because the god will end up killing you anyway.

Players have made very accurate observations of the symbolism that by losing the battle you also lose the last trace of humanity and purity that once existed in the god's past life when she was still the girl, yes, but this humanity and purity would not have remained intact had it not been for the player.

And I repeat, who better complements this plot twist if not Cahara? He too was an abandoned child, with no one else to fall back on.

Ragnvaldr had objectively the worst childhood but at some point managed to have a wife and a son; D'arce only made the mistake of allowing himself to be corrupted by his love for Le'garde; and Enki is...Enki.

If we imagine that Cahara sees himself reflected in the girl and that the god sees Cahara as a memory of the past life that once was, it is even poetic and sad.

If the story were to take this course, the fight against the God of fear and hunger would not only be this entity struggling to transcend, but also, a desperate attempt by Cahara to save the only pure thing that seems to remain from the catharsis of the moment and the whole experience of the dungeons (and of his life before he met his wife Celeste).

I'm over analyzing this, I know, I highly doubt the creator had this intention and the game also leaves you no clue that any of this is true.

But these were my final thoughts after playing with Cahara and reflating the girl in my team </3

[smosh-fessions]

Hot take but I 100% believe Chanse is on the spectrum and undiagnosed. It would explain a lot of his behaviors. Look at him in talking videos where he doesn't move/blink for minutes, recoils at physical touch he doesn't expect, wildly different vibes depending on the video(either he looks sleepy or he's tweaking) or how he seems to not relate to a lot of basic human experiences. I think he's one of the funnier members but it sometimes feels like he's an alien on set. Or maybe it's just drugs, either way I hope he gets the help he needs tbh

I'm wary of posting this, but I do want to address some things. You really sound like you have good intentions, but some of this is bothering me a little bit. I don't know if you're autistic yourself, but some of the way you've written this comes off at least a little ableist in my opinion.

Being on the spectrum doesn't necessarily mean you need "help" in the way someone struggling with something like magor depressive disorder would. We all need accommodations in life but saying someone needs help because they're autistic rehashes the unfortunately common idea that there's something inherently wrong with us or that we can be cured.

Comparing autistics to those using drugs is not... Great. To me, at least, it feels kind of dehumanizing because of both the stigma surrounding drug use/addiction and autism itself. Not every slightly odd behavior is drugs or neurodivergence. Some people are just a little strange.

Same goes for alien. It's one thing for an autistic person to call themselves that, but alien and robot have been used as a means of dehumanization for years.

Some people just space out and don't like to be touched. That doesn't mean they're neurodivergent, and caffeine is a factor in the vibe changes you're talking about. The Smoffice basically has a river of coffee in it at this point and we know they drink a lot of it.

On the topic of basic human experiences, we can't forget that Chanse is a little freaking nerd (and I mean that so lovingly) and us nerds often keep to ourselves and do our own thing. From what I've gathered, he seems to have been sheltered and if I remember correctly, he grew up in one of those strict churches where things like tithing were deeply important. A lot of kids who grow up in strict religious environments, even if it wasn't for their whole childhood, don't get to have a lot of experiences that other people do. There are likely things he missed out on due to growing up religious for whatever period of time that he was in that situation. (We know he at least grew up in some western religion based on the Church Fun word game where he, Angela, and Amanda were the only ones who had experience with it as opposed to Arasha who likely was raised Hindu if anything and was just along for the ride)

I don't think there's anything wrong with wondering if someone is neurodivergent, whether it's autism or something else, especially because it's always exciting to see someone acting in a manner you relate to. However, the way you've described all of this feels less like that and more like an observation on an experiment and it doesn't sit great with me.

Again, I don't think you have any sort of ill intentions with this, but I do ask that you be more conscious of the language you use to describe things like this.

If Chanse is autistic or some other flavor of ND, great! There's always room in the club. If he's not, also great!

I will agree he has seemed a little off recently and I do hope that whatever it is that may be bothering him gets resolved because I want him to feel happy and healthy.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for asking my wife make dinner?

I (30M) work a fairly physically demanding job 5 days a week. It isn't incredibly hard, but I have lots of joint and muscle issues, including sciatica, and it makes working hard, so when I get home, I often collapse into bed to rest, because it physically hurts to stand any longer.

My wife (25) has a desk job that she performs from home 3-5 days a week (she is expected to work in her office 2 days a week but sometimes it's not necessary). She also spends the majority of her free time working as a staff member for a fandom convention, including running streams at least once a week, holding meetings, or designing various posters for the projects they are always working on.

Today, after I got home from work, I laid down in bed and put on a movie. I made a note of the time, and saw it would be over around 7PM, which is roughly around when I usually make dinner, perhaps a little later than normal. This morning, we had established we would have some fish sticks, but hadn't determined a side to go with it. About 15 minutes before the movie was over, my wife walked by and complained she was hungry. I told her I would get started shortly.

Once the movie was done, I got up and went out into the living room to see what she was up to, before getting started. She whined quite loudly about how hungry she was, once again. This really annoyed me, and I tried to keep from snapping, but I know I sounded very irritated when I asked her what she wanted to have with it, and she flinched away from me (she had a rough childhood growing up around aggressive men, and although that's not the type of person I am, she was still affected by my tone).

The thing that got me was that she was watching YouTube videos herself, and had just been playing video games 20 minutes earlier. She knew what the plan for dinner was, and is an adult woman, so if she was hungry, I don't understand why she didn't start making it herself.

Despite having the more physically taxing job, I am also the one who makes dinner almost every single night. I do the dishes, which is something I hate doing, so they tend to pile up and then make it harder on me, I take out the trash by myself almost all the time, I have to clean the cat box by myself because doing it makes her sick, so I'm not sure why I can't have a break, and she can cook dinner in the air fryer this time.

I also know that she feels bad for leaving the majority of the work for me, but we both struggle with severe depression. It's just that I am the one who ends up giving in because we can't go without dishes, or food, or tossed out scraps rotting in the garbage, so I end up having to do it all.

So, is asking her to cook the fish sticks too much?

What are these acronyms?

[barrenclan]

imagine my surprise when the issue started WHOLESOME!!!!!! sure it was advertised as a baby issue but STILL!!!!! i fucking love cormorantpaw playing with them and giving them the childhood he couldn’t have, it makes me so happy. and he’s happy, too!! i’m sure if he heard what cootstorm said about them, he would have thrown hands. begging for more scenes of corm babysitting/playing with the kits, even in the bg. him being this happy about the babies being happy is just. AAA!!

of course, in patfw, wholesome bits can’t last forever. daffy is in the issue at what cost !!!! i love how she just casually drops it and YES I WANTED TO SEE HER REACTION BUT IT HURTS IT HURTS SO BAD. i love how complicated it is, daffodil’s feelings and pinepaw struggling to apologize due to how neither of them did wrong.. aagh. i love this causing daffodil to realize that she kinda forced herself to love cormorantpaw due to the circumstances, and her opening up about how she really thinks about romance! i know she deserves the love she can so easily give to others, and i love how just.. the cycle is still kinda referenced in this issue? not with dustfeather, but with cashew. i never thought we’d touch a cycle of abuse other than familial but i’m really happy we did now and it makes so much sense? abuse comes in many forms, after all!

mallowstar’s struggles of being a leader and blacknose’s struggles of being a mother, aaaaa. it’s so intertwined and so different and they really need eachother. also, more cycle discussion!!! mallowstar wanting to break free is sooo important to me, everyone needs that. hopefully the green isn’t defiance territory, though.. maybe if it is, throw cootstorm as a sacrifice and run

ALSO THAT ENDING???? HACKSAW GO AWAY I’M GONNA THROW HANDS RN 🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼🤼

i always love your writing and your expressions in these, keep up the great work!!

Hey, sometimes I do wholesome issues! They're not all depressing!

Cormorantpaw is the best babysitter ever, he's great with kids. He knows how to vibe on their level, and his lack of self-consciousness means he can really get into the spirit of a game or a kid's conversation.

PATFW when they ask me for emotional weight: hey what's all this emotional weight doing here??? Haha, I'm glad you liked the section with Daff, it wasn't always something I had planned to include in this issue but it ended up being necessary to resolve. Since Daff and Slugpelt are both very romantically-inclined characters (when Slug was young, at least), they share a lot of similar worries and needs, and having those problems that her mother faced unconsciously be consciously present in Daff's head has made her do a lot of thinking.

Mallowstar and Blacknose really are so good for each other, they're so sweet,, it's fun to write their interactions because it's just totally interpersonal drama-free. Mallow's been thinking about leaving for awhile, largely buoyed by Blacknose herself (the biggest BarrenClan radical), and I can confirm that the "western border" is opposite Defiance's territory, which is past the eastern border of BarrenClan territory. Hopefully they can get out in time!

But I can't end an issue in the second half of the comic without a little Horrors. :]

[theshortolivia]

Get to Know me tag :)

Was tagged for a get to know me tag game by @deerlisteners and these are fun so thought I’d do it for the like two people who will see it, even though, they are both childhood friends and know all this…

1. Are you named after anyone?

Yeah! My moms named me after the character Olivia Benson from law and order because she was a ‘strong independent woman’ like they wanted me to be and they also both had a crush on her/the actress who plays her. Bonus fact I’m p sure if I’d been born male they woulda named me Josiah

2. When was the last time you cried?

Uhhh, I got emotional and ALMOST cried at the ‘shoe scene’ (can’t be any more specific cause Huge spoilers) when rewatching Jojo Rabbit, I DID cry when I saw it in theatres and I HIGHLY recommend it as a comedy satire but also a harrowing reminder of history we should never forget (and for taika waititi of course). Um last time I actually cried I don’t remember cause recently my mental health has been depression apathy and not anxiety tears but it was Probably out of frustration at my chronic illness limiting what I can do, not a fun anecdote unfortunately but sometimes it be like that

3. Do you have kids?

I do not and I don’t plan on having any anytime soon for economic, chronic illness, and age reasons (I’m 22 lol I am Not settled in life I don’t even live alone). I would like to have kids when I’m older and more settled health and money wise, I love kids and feel I have so much love and care to give, i think I’d both enjoy and be a good mother. Also, I’d like to have them ‘traditionally’ because I’d like to experience pregnancy and I have some good genes lol. I think I’d like to have 3, partially because I do think I will love to raise and love children but also largely because I want my kids to have multiple siblings and to have a bigger (I know that’s not large in the grand scheme but for like, this day and age and economy and etc) family and for their kids to have multiple aunts/uncles. I love having a brother and wish I had more siblings, I wish I had a sibling closer in age that I could relate to, but I do still enjoy taking care of him and him being my baby brother. I also used to have 5 aunts and uncles (well 10 since they were all married ig) and many many cousins of all ages before we stopped talking to that side of my family, and I have two uncles (and my aunts their wives) and only see a few of my cousins due to where they live, and I am so glad I have family gatherings that big but I do miss the giant ones too, therefore I want for my kids what I have and love.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I am NOT a sports girlie. Up until I was 12 ish I was a very into ballet and modern dancing (would’ve continued but alas anxiety struck) and after that I did musical theatre which is its own style of dancing, incorporating all different types. I’d love to go back but since I stopped dancing due to a steady string of anxiety, anxiety medication side effects, foot problems, and then finally chronic fatigue syndrome, I’ve become out of shape, have really bad feet, and REALLY struggle to find time to take care of myself. I do want to start exercising again in ways that don’t require me to have functional feet like weight lifting, aerial dancing (those fabric strip things) etc. But I am Not good at sports nor do I like it, sorry. I remember basketball in elementary being the most frustrating and volleyball being,,,ok

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Hm in general i don’t think I do actually, I’m a pretty earnest and straightforward person myself and idk using sarcasm feels negative? For me? And I strive to be as positive to others as I can be. (Not that sarcasm is always mean I just feel like it don’t my Vibe ykwim) but I’m also somewhat socially and subtextually dense so I think it makes sense I don’t use something I may not be the best at understanding unless it’s obvious

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Hmm, I think that varies a Lot, it’s probably usually either makeup, clothing, hairstyle, or tattoos if they stand out or if they’re something I’d want myself or am attracted too or like aesthetically. I always try to get up the courage to compliment people on things I notice because I feel good when I get complimented so I want other people to feel like that too :) also actually since I’m a cashier and people hand over cash and point cards often I usually notice nails. Oh I also notice extremes in height immediately, I’m short so people shorter than me are like woah! And people super duper tall are also like Woah!

7. What’s your eye colour?

Dark brown

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

TLDR happy endings, I’m a sucker for happily ever after to the point where if it didn’t end happily I’ll probably write or st least daydream a fan fiction ending where it does. ESPECIALLY romance it Always gets me. I do like scary movies though, especially psychological horror, although,,,In The Tall Grass FUCKED ME UP (the movie, I don’t read stephen king books cause his writing style makes me uncomfy but man does he have some fucked up terrifying horrible ideas for for him)

9. Any talents?

Ig that’s kinda complicated cause I’d probably call myself a jack of all trades (but master of none). I was one of those kids that was praised for being good at like everything the first time I tried it and now as an adult has to learn how to study and have a huge issue of getting frustrated and stopping anything I try that I’m not immediately good at therefore never being able to improve because I’m not practicing. But I’ve been Told by teachers, professors, and other people that I’m quite talented at singing. I starred in some musicals in elementary school and studied vocals in high school, in choirs the whole time too, so I’d say I’m like, sort of trained in musical theatre and opera and I Have worked to improve my voice. But I was also told that apparently when I was 3 ish I grabbed a mic and went on a stage (probably at play group or smth idk) and belted twinkle twinkle little star and parents laughed and said I’d be a star one day so idk maybe I just have that star quality lol. Oh I’ve also been commended for my acting skills back before I did acting? But I haven’t done much of late and wouldn’t consider myself exceptionally skilled, I want to be though! I uh also had a period in high school where I discovered I liked (and was good at) academics and excelled in science and math and focused Heavily on that, getting awards and whatnot. I’m not gifted but my mom and grandfather are (were, granddad is not alive) and I definitely did get their big brains.

Oh also I’m like a professional daydreamer at this point I write whole ass stories in my head most of which Never make it to the Google docs and I’m Amazingly talented at oversharing I’m sorry in advance tell me to stop talking I literally won’t mind I promise I ramble Too much

10. Where were you born?

Ontario, Canada

11. What are your hobbies?

Too many. I have this issue where I like too many things so I spread myself too thinly to commit to spending enough time practicing on any one thing to improve, and then on top of that have this thing where I can’t just do something for fun I have to be Good at it (which I think stems from being a Talented Kid™) BUT here’s a list here we go it’s long

Singing

Acting

Dancing

Cooking

Baking

Writing

Makeup

Learning languages (I’m shit at it tho)

Linguistics (how languages WORK is So Cool)

Driving

Drawing

Learning about cool science things namely psychology, genetic, otherwise biology, or nuclear related

I’m not good at this yet but I wanna get into mixology for fun and also as a job

Can’t sew v well yet but I think it would be So Fun and also good to know cause I have to hem every other pair of pants I get

12. Do you have any pets?

I live w my parents still n we have a dog who’s actually my brother’s service dog she’s a huge black lab named Marshmallow and she is full of so much love but not a lot of thoughts, and we recently got a tuxedo kitten i got to name Carmilla (Carmilla is the name of an 1872? gothic lesbian vampire novella that came out before dracula, see my kitten loved to hide n is super duper fast and also play bites, hence, vampire)

13. How tall are you?

5’1 or 152cm

14. Favourite subject in school?

Too many uhh in high school I rlly loved general biology, my vocal classes (which we learned solos in Italian, German, and musical theatre genres and etc it was amazing), my intro to sociology, psychology, and anthropology class, my human development throughout the lifespan class (I wrote a super cool paper on the theory of infantile synesthesia which tbh is probably the best paper I’ve ever written), and my drama classes. In uni so far I’ve enjoyed my year 1 biology class, Especially the second half cause it was like almost All genetics (soooo fascinating!!!), I Loved my Japanese class which was hard as hell but so fascinating and awesome (I love languages and how they work, and Japanese being so different from my native language of English was really interesting, I also really like Japanese food and culture and nature so learning the language was partially because I think it’s a wonderful language but partially so I can go to Japan at some point), my psych intro class was fascinating and I especially enjoyed the parts on sleep and consciousness and on sensory and perception, those parts of our brains are sooo cool I also really liked my Health Psychology (relating our body to our mind was eye opening and very interesting) class. All those classes had super interesting subject matter AND really amazing sweet and helpful professors. Oh my intro data science class was cool cause I got to do shit of coding which was fun and rewarding

15. Dream Job?

Ok so remember the ‘jack of all trades but master of none’ thing? Liking and being somewhat good at many different things is rlly not helpful for deciding on careers, the end of that phrase ‘but better than being a master of one’ I’d say isn’t true cause I do think being good at One thing has its pros and cons, a pro being it’s def easier to decide what to do. I’ve been told I could probably make it in the opera industry, and I would love to act and sing for a living, whether that’s theatre, film, or voice acting, preferably I’d love to do them all tbh. It feels narcissistic to admit but I do like the recognition for performing, I relish the applause I get during curtain calls or after a solo, I wouldn’t say I Live for the applause but I do like it, I think I’d like to be some level of famous. However I know that’s not easy to attain and I also would love to be a teaching and researching professor of psychology and genetics. I love presenting and teaching and am very good at it (my best marks are always on presentations lol) and I love researching concepts that are interesting to me, like for example if I had to write a thesis right now I’d probably write it about the possibility of finding the epigenetic patterns that cause hereditary depression, anxiety, etc, and use CRISPR gene editing technology to correct those thus ending the cycle of hereditary mental illness instead of putting the bandaid of a medication on it. Also I know that coding and computer science is lucrative right now and I did enjoy my taste of coding so I’d also love to look into that. I Do want to make a lot of money so I can afford to take care of those I love (and myself), be more sustainable, and enjoy some extra things in life like fancy and unique or uncommon to my culture food

No pressure but Also tagging @dragonheart1330 :)

I probably didn’t even say One thing @dragonheart1330 and @deerlisteners don’t already know lol as I said I am soooo talented at oversharing

[skepsiss]

Master Writing List of My Works

I've seen other people do this and it seems like a good idea. You can follow my Ao3 where more of my works are posted, but for the ones available on Tumblr I will list them below.

Skepsis_Ree on Ao3

Art, Photos, and Moodboards

Stranger Things

Steddie

Mini Fics. These are asks that people have sent me. You can send me a prompt and I'll write you Steddie stuff.

Senior Year [18+ explicit. Slow Burn] Adjoining Art Chapters 14/30 [in progress] // What happened in Steve’s senior year of high school? We know that he almost failed grade 12, and we know he had ‘lost his groove’ by mid-summer of 1985, but what happened between November 1984 and July 1985? And what if Steve actually made friends with Eddie Munson during that time instead of being alone? Senior Year is a fic about Steve struggling with PTSD and depression through his final months of high school, and how he slowly spiralled downward, making it impossible for him to get into college, and damaging his confidence so badly he couldn’t get a date if he begged. During senior year, Steve does make a connection with Eddie though, and their odd on-again, off-again ‘friendship’ becomes a staple in both their lives. This is a story about coping, the struggles of a broken heart, and making connections. There are genuine, raw moments, but in the end, the connection these two boys have is strong enough to see them through it all—even if it takes them both a long time to realize that they have feelings for one another.

The Last Strange Thing [Monster reference guide] [The art for the fic!] Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 [FINISHED] // Welcome to the apocalypse. The demo-infection has taken hold of the world, and humans are a rare thing these days. Still, people hang on to civilization in pockets across North America and beyond. Hawkins is one such place.  Steve Harrington is a scout who runs missions for Hawkins, and on one of those missions, he becomes separated from his scouting partner, Robin. He has to find his way across Indianapolis in an infected world, meeting one very important individual on the way, Eddie.��The two of them must trust one another in order to journey across Indiana, while perhaps finding something softer to nurture with one another along the way.

Long Road Ahead Pt1  Pt1.2   Pt2    Pt3 Pt4 Pt5 // A Five part (maybe six?) series about Steve and Eddie getting together. Steve really struggles with the possibility of him being queer and doesn't know how to deal with it. Each part alternates between Eddie's POV and Steve's POV; lots of yearning, miscommunication, a pining with a happy ending.

Join the Party // One Shot, AU Where Steve and Eddie have been friends since childhood and I guess no Upside Down shenanigans (yet?). Hurt/comfort with confessions. Written from the period of them at 10 (ish) to 18 (ish).

Heart Beat City // One shot. A character piece on Eddie as he has some of his faith in happiness returned to him. Eddie thinks pretty firmly that love and kindness are not a real thing--at least not for him, but that changes when he meets Steve. Poetic and moody, optimistic ending.

House to Ourselves // Series of one-shots. Steve and Eddie are finally living together after a long courtship. They get every other weekend to themselves when Steve’s ex-wife takes the kids for 2.5 days. That means sex… definitely sex.

Because I Want You // Part of the adult AU, one-shot series. Steve and Eddie have been broken up for 9 years. It just so happens that they both have 3-year-olds, and they end up in the same daycare, allowing them to reunite. It’s bittersweet in a lot of ways, mostly because Eddie feels so guilty for how things ended with Steve in their previous relationship. This story is about them trying to get back together.

Modern Problems, Modern Solutions Pt1 Pt2 Pt3 Pt4 Pt5 Pt6 Pt7 [FINISHED] // Modern AU. Eddie's POV and his judgy, budgie, anxiety-filled self-denying for a long time that he has a crush on Steve. I wanted to explore what being an awkward teen was like (again) and how the personality dynamics would work between Steve and Eddie if they were in more modern times. A story full of miscommunications set in 2015 ish. This mini-series is finished, and it has a happy ending. Enjoy the very soft end for the boys.

Basketball Shorts // PWP. Explicit, 18+. Eddie and Steve are in an established relationship, and Eddie asks Steve to wear his old basketball uniform. They fantasize together about what it would have been like to date in high school (and how hard it would have been not to sneak off to bone).

Tooth and Nail Pt1 Pt2 Pt3 Pt4 // Uuhh, it's kinda sad guys. Prompt was to write something where Eddie is the one that is in denial about his queer-ness and Steve is the one who makes him question his sexual identity. Full request here. This is hurt comfort and miscommunication riddled; read some realness and slowburn towards romance. Part 4 onward is pining time with Eddie trying to figure out his feelings.

Stories of Youth (microfic) // A short (480 words) fic written for the steddie microfic month with the prompt "Suck." This is fluff and just a little window into the sweetness (and eternal horiness) that is Steve and Eddie in a relationship.

His People Chapter 1: His People // This story is more about Eddie than anything. Exploring the idea of Eddie coming back very "monstrous" from the Upside Down, and he doesn't have a lot of memories on how to be human. He does learn quickly though that the people around him do love him no matter what. This was written for Eddie Month with the Oct 13 prompt "Monster."

Chapter 2: Like. Lust. Love. // Eddie relearns what attraction is, and acts on the memories he has of himself and Steve... or what he thinks are his memories of him and Steve.... (angst, drama).

The Audacity - Corroded Coffin Lyrics only Written in Sung/Spoken form // A limerick that I wrote as if it were a song written and performed by Corroded Coffin. Angry, but also very f*ck the establishment.

The King - A Corrded Coffin Song (Accompanying art) // An imagined metal ballad written by Eddie Munson. (Think Iron Maiden's "Run to the Hills"). It's about Steve and his father, but also Vecna, and Eddie vs Hawkins. It's multi-layered and I thought it felt equally tragic and love-filled.

Time // Just a one-shot of them maturing and being in a 2-3 decade relationship. Romantic and fluffy, less than 700 words.

Through Leagues and Miles Pt1 // Eddie and Steve meet up again after 7 years. They're proper adults now and Eddie is living his dream of being a rockstar, while Steve has just started to go back to school to become a teacher. They were only supposed to be meeting up for a reunion with The Party, but one thing leads to another, and well... maybe acting on that crush from 7 years ago is worth it.

"Newly-wed Game" // Just this silly little "Newly-wed Game" post I added to. For some reason, it has 4,000 notes.

Reflection Steve's Part Robin's Part Nancy's Part Eddie's Part [FINISHED] // This is a 4 part mini-series about the Fruity Four. It's 1989 and Steve, Eddie, and Robin are visiting Hawkins over winter break. Nancy has invited them all over for a little Christmas get-together, and we read from the point of view of each member of the crew across 1 event. I wrote these pieces to be read in any order, so... enjoy some Steddie, vague Ronance, Vickie x Robin, and just the Fruity Four being... fruity. Dialogue prompt "You Remember That?" for Spicy Six Winter Fanworks Challenge.

It's Snowing In Hawkins // This is all fluff. Steve goes over to visit Eddie during a heavy snow in Hawkins and gets roped into helping him build a snow fort. Both of them have been inching toward a romance for months now, and Steve adores how innocent and young their relationship feels. It’s the start of something real tonight, and it makes Steve feel brilliantly happy. 

Before the Fire - Steddie Microfic // Wrote for December's prompt "pine" (508 words). Steve and Eddie are around a fire and Eddie is trying to cheer Steve's up because 'someone' is missing and Steve is beside himself with worry. Eddie is pining, but Steve seeks him out for comfort.

The Cock Tail Club [18+ explicit] // Society thinks poorly of Alphas who prefer to be with other Alphas. That is why underground bars like The Cock Tail Club exist. Where one lonely Alpha can meet another and hit it off for the night. Eddie is doing just that, and of course, he finds wild, satisfying release… and maybe a bit more than what he bargained for.

Batter Up [18+ explicit] Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 // This fluffy story is about Baseball Player Steve Harrington, meeting Rock Star Eddie Munson and the whirlwind 1-week romance turned committed relationship. They're instantly obsessed with one another, but neither knows how to take things to the next level. Enjoy Steve being a love-sick idiot! (The story turns explicit in Chapter 4, other chapters are all fluff).

Momento Mori Chapter 1 to 15 Adjoining Art! // Steve gradually falls in love with the memory of Eddie Munson, while creating a deep bond with the uncle Eddie left behind. Eddie Munson has died. He died and left behind people who care for him—more people than he knew. Despite his reputation, and the slander thrown at him, Eddie is deeply and fiercely loved by the people in his life. Wayne is one such person, and the hole his nephew left in his heart is something he didn’t think could ever be filled. Surprisingly—to all involved—Steve Harrington is another person who cannot shake Eddie’s death from his mind. Gradually, Steve and Wayne bond over their mutual loss, and share their fond memories of Eddie with one another. The living must move on after all… even if the dead don’t remain gone for long.

Stranger Things

Not steddie. Things like stobin etc.

Survival of the Sister [Link to art] // Max is a young knight who has lost everything to the darkness of the Upside Down. The last thing she can lose is her life. She puts it all on the line to save her family, friends, and Hawkins. Fate has another idea for her as she struggles to recall her happiest memories that will bring her back to life and toward Lucas, who is desperately searching for her. Overall, it is a short, emotional piece about Max fighting back death with sheer willpower and then getting to relish in being reunited with Lucas.

We the Youth (1987) [Link to art] Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five [FINISHED] // A five-part, mini-series that is 100% complete and being posted during the Stranger Things Reverse Big Bang 2024. This Stobin-centric story is about Robin learning how to love herself (with the help of her very queer life)! The first part of the story focuses on Robin losing her job and seeking comfort from her best friend, Steve. After moving to New York after graduation to work for a year before college, Robin has "lost her path" and isn't sure what she wants anymore.

Each chapter focuses on a different kind of love, and how difficult it is to find a place to belong when you're a young adult. (Especially when you're a young, queer adult in the 80s). The story has a happy ending though! So please enjoy this lovely platonic Stobin tale and the importance of having people in your life who love and support you.

Momento Mori [complete story 15/15] [Accompany Art] // Steve gradually falls in love with the memory of Eddie Munson, while creating a deep bond with the uncle Eddie left behind. Eddie Munson has died. He died and left behind people who care for him—more people than he knew. Despite his reputation, and the slander thrown at him, Eddie is deeply and fiercely loved by the people in his life. Wayne is one such person, and the hole his nephew left in his heart is something he didn’t think could ever be filled. Surprisingly—to all involved—Steve Harrington is another person who cannot shake Eddie’s death from his mind. Gradually, Steve and Wayne bond over their mutual loss, and share their fond memories of Eddie with one another. The living must move on after all… even if the dead don’t remain gone for long.

[cheeseatlantic]

hello. i need sort of just be vulnerable, because for someone that can be so cheery theres alot of trauma that’s attached to me

tw for domestic violence, stalking, mentions of mental health issues and others. take care of yourself please. <3

so when i was younger, my dad was an absolute abusive piece of shit okay? he’d beat my mom and all that and at the ripe age where you just start having childhood memories that you remember for your entire life my mom and dad got into a physical altercation on the bed, i was right in front screaming for my dad to get off her and that night we left, i wasn’t hurt thankfully but my mom was and he was arrested that night :)

they did get a divorce but my dad put up a huge fucking fight in the sense of properties and such and the worst of all? custody. not that my dad wanted his daughter to live with him but because he wanted the government benefits that came with it so he could retire early. i remember it was every saturday from 3 pm to 7 pm i’d have to visit him but id be kicking screaming and crying to stay with my mom and i never won, id come back home upset and i remember so vividly being at school when i was in first grade, seeing all the kids with both their parents picking them up and loving them but i never truly understood why my parents couldn’t be like that.

i had a very strong hatred towards my father most of my childhood and then at 8 i was sitting in a parking lot, waitinf for my dad to pick me up for my 3-7. my mom bought me a little toy to cheer me up but he never showed, it happened next weekend and the next, months and then years passed by and i found myself craving a father figure even more and then my mom got a new boyfriend. the transition was rough and i couldn’t find myself to get attached to him because i was scared once i got close he’d leave but i also craved a connection, the love of a father.

and id like to mention that my entire life in school i was outcast as ‘the weird kid’ and along the time i started wondering why my parents weren’t together i was also being bullied at the same time. they’d pretend to be my friends only to leave me with no answers and then spread lies around and get me in trouble. it was only after i went to middle school things started to get better until they didnt

back to my moms boyfriend, he had a short temper and he always did. whenever he was mad he’d come to our door and bang on it and id be upstairs playing with my toys and id hear the door unlock and then they started screaming at each other, but my mom never left and she hasn’t yet. of course he has changed but its the way i cant fully bond with him because he had hurt my mom in the past.

in grade six i had a huge friend group and im talking like 10 people and we were all a close knit group, i was recently diagnosed with ADHD and starting to show signs of both anxiety and depression, there was this guy who always wanted in on our friend group, he’d climb trees in the field and scream at us to get our attention but we just didn’t want him in because he had a violent streak.

he stalked me, followed me home and was so incredibly creepy with me specifically and i never told anyone out of the fear of being ridiculed because the teachers and principals saw him as a good kid, he won accolades and awards in math contests and i didn’t. i never had good grades, i didn’t have anything that could help me.

and then he just snapped, he started throwing rocks at me one day and just attacked me, i dont remember much except struggling on the floor and him hitting me on the head with a rock and my friends just watched and didn’t help me.

that day was the day i developed ptsd, it was a massive struggle because i came home all tired, according to my friends i was just very out of it, i forgot where i sat in class and forgot names and turns out i had a concussion! a bad one. and when i got home i told my mom who reported it back to the principal to do something and the next day at school i was pulled into the hallway with this guy by my teacher and essentially i was ridiculed for not including him in our group and ‘provoking’ him and that he was a victim.

our principal essentially did the same and the battle was long and hard to get the justice i so desperately craved, the thing was him and his father who was a lawyer, they lied their way through it and my principal threatened my friends for lying to her when they were telling them the truth of the situation until my mom caved and we went to the police. and did they do anything? no.

the entire thing tortured me, ruined me because he taunted me everyday at school after. bragging to everyone else that he beat me up and such and i couldn’t sleep in the fear he was outside my house, i couldn’t shower in the fear that he was behind me and ready to attack and i stopped eating, sleeping well and showering. this went on for two weeks. now i was always a fat kid as in obese, one of the reasons i was bullied in school and during this episode i lost a lot of fucking weight, i was already like at a healthy weight but very quickly i went underweight.

the fear quickly consumed me and my anxiety and depression that i was already experiencing sprialed and i had my first suicide attempt four months later. it was with some sort of random pills i found in the bathroom and i just took them all, laid down all sick and i had online friends so i said goodbye to them and soon there were 12 of them online begging me to call for help and i was struggling but i caved and called and they took me to the hospital where i stayed for one day.

then i had all sorts of psychiatric appointments and all that and i was diagnosed officially with ptsd and given medicine, now in my family theres alot of stigma around taking medicine especially for depression because we dont believe in it. so my mom refused me medicine and refused to comfort me in my time of need and then now it was seventh grade and i had another attempt after an argument with my friends. it felt like they were all i had because i didnt know who i could trust and i just wanted someone to love me as a friend, romantic partner or to be a parental figure. i was desperate for anything.

this is all ill get into for today but when i need to be vulnerable again ill do it, thank you for reading my story :)

[phantombluego]

Time for more ideas again but im not running on a lot sleep today so they might get influenced a bit today

Bringing back the biting phase idea from a few ideas back. He would try and bite hands and arms cause he saw Agros do it and Amphinomus would be the victim cause he lets Telemachus gets away with a lot more then his mother. Then years later when the suitors are all there and Telemachus fights Antinous he bites his hand and i have 2 ideas on how Amphinomus would react

Version A: ...he was always a biter [looking at hand where the faintest and smallest trace of a scar is where Telemachus bit him and then cried cause he didnt mean to hurt him]

Version B (just a funny version): awe look at them getting along :)

Some angst for the soul. Telemachus doesnt know it was Amphinomus he killed until all the suitors are dead thinking Amphinomus would have left and hid somewhere. Depression and hatred follows cause he is still mad and betrated at him being a suitor but he is mad at himself for killing his childhood friend/big brother and really struggles with accepting it cause does he really hate him that much that he killed him?? It takes a really long time for him to get over it and Penelope decided to make a special grave for Amphinomus to help her son cope and as a thank you for being there for her soon almost his entire life.

When they were young they would cuddle a lot mostly cause Telemachus was really clingy as a child but cuddlijg with them is Amphinomus laying on the ground or bed like a star fish and Telemachus laying on top of him with Agros joining in sometimes but when that happens it gets to heavy for Amphinomus but suffers through jt cause it is pretty comfortable in the end. When Penelope would find tjem and put a blanket over them.

Telemachus got them matching capes when he was a kid cause "all the cool heroes wear capes and we are gonne be heros in the future". Amphinomus still has the cape somewhere but its to small for him now

Omgs copying Argos is so cute for him, then eventually him biting Anti in retaliation is perfect. Both reactions are so valid HAH, no doubt he’d probably have to hold back laughing too ‘cause he saw it coming. Brother support fr

Throwing angst at me how could you 😭🙏 (do continue I love it), that’s fr devastating though. Accidentally killing him in the sonic, then never getting over his actions and being so conflicted abt it. My heart man, poor Tel </3. At least Amphi gets a special grave for everything he’s done, thank you Penelope for that one. Just add too…totally can see Tel visiting and just sitting at his grave sometimes, talking to it as if he’s still there

CLINGY TEL! Away from the angst, absolutely love them. Can totally picture Amphi being stuck there and not wanting to wake them, he had plenty of palace sleep overs cause if this. Telemachus probably did it sometimes to just keep him there too, since he learned that’s how Amphi would stay longer.

And the capes?? Omgs yes. Definitely. Throw back to the angst, add that cape onto Amphis grave as a memory of their childhood

[brienneoftarth1989]

Hot Chocolate

Larissa Weems x Student!reader

Summary: Larissa is taking you to weekly therapy sessions. She suggests hot chocolate afterwards but you turn her down until one day you finally give in.

Warnings: mentions sexual assault and self harm (not detailed though)

Requests open

It’s that time of the week again that you dread so much. You knew you needed it but you honestly hated going. It drained you both physically and mentally but after the trauma you have been through therapy was your only option. That and Nevermore Academy wouldn’t accept you unless you agreed to these weekly sessions. You had been through a lot growing up. Childhood is supposed to be fun and easy but not for you. In fact it was the complete opposite for you.

You suffered a lot mentally due to the trauma you endured. You were sexually assaulted, you were bullied, you then went through the divorce of your parents, you struggled with your sexual identity and to top things off all together you were an outcast. Due to this you suffered greatly from depression and anxiety. You hurt yourself on purpose just trying to make your pain go away. Of course when the school found all of this out, therapy was of course the first thing they suggested. You needed to go to this school to help with your abilities and if that meant you had to go into therapy and get the help you so desperately needed then you were happy to comply.

Therapy was always on a Saturday for you. It was the most convenient time as it didn’t interfere too much with your studies. That also allowed Principal Weems to escort you into Jericho so you could attend these sessions. You dragged yourself out of bed so you could start getting ready to head off on your little adventure. After a quick shower and getting dressed into some comfortable clothing you were all ready for your outing. You grabbed your phone and your headphones and headed outside to find the car and principal Weems.

Once outside you spotted the car and Principal Weems sitting in the driver's seat waiting for you to get in. You sigh to yourself. You really don’t want to do this but it has to be done. You open the door of the car and jump into the passenger seat strapping yourself in ready for the car journey. Principal Weems smiled at you as you got in the car, turning her phone off and placing it in one of the cup holders out of the way. “And how are you doing today y/n?” She asked with a small smile plastered on her face.

“I’m alright, I guess, I just want this to be over with” you sigh “you don’t mind if I put my headphones in do you? I just want to listen to some music” you asked your principal. “If you want y/n you can connect your phone to the Bluetooth so we both can listen” she suggested continuing to smile at you. “I don’t think you will like my music Principal Weems. I would much prefer to listen on my headphones but if you want to listen to the radio too I don’t mind” you suggested as you placed your headphones on your ears as you pressed play on your rock and roll music that always seemed to make you feel better.

Larissa sighed to herself, starting up the car and heading to Jericho. The ride was silent for her at least. The only thing she could hear was the faint music that was coming from your headphones. Larissa could tell you were hurt badly and she was trying her best to get you to trust her by any means. You are just not letting her get close enough and yet she understands. After about fifteen minutes Principal Weems pulled up outside the office where you find yourself every Saturday for an hour and a half at a time.

When you realised you were here you unbuckled yourself from the car and jumped out. “Thanks again for the lift. I will see you in a bit” you said before closing the door and heading inside. You walked up the stairs to your therapist’s office before knocking on her door and waiting for a response from the other side. “Come in y/n '' you hear her say from behind the door. You enter into her office sitting down on one of her comfy chairs looking in any direction but at your therapist.

“So y/n how has this week been for you?” She asked. She always started these sessions with the same question before we always dived deeper. “Umm…well it’s been ok. Same old week like normal. I went to classes and just got on with everyday school life” you muttered looking down to your feet. “And what about friends? Are you making time for them?” She asked. “Well I still have Wednesday, Enid and Eugene as my best mates but as for making time for them…well I see them in class but as for that I normally just go straight to my dorm”

“Oh y/n! You really need to spend some more time with them. They are your friends. They are there for you. I don’t expect you to tell them your whole life story but if you spend more time with them it may feel like a place to escape to. Plus I’m sure they want what’s best for you.” She said, grabbing her notebook and your file to start the rest of your session. “So let’s get started,” she said looking at you with a smile on her face.

The rest of the session flew by in an instant. Talking about yourself has always drained you and at this point you just wanted to go back to school so you can sleep and cry. “Ok so your task for next week is to spend some time with your friends outside of lessons. It doesn’t have to be everyday but let’s say twice before your next session with me. Start small. It doesn’t have to be for hours. Even twenty minutes is a start. You will be surprised how much you could enjoy it” she said, handing over some paperwork to help you handle your emotions.

I very much doubt that you thought to yourself. “Thanks again Doctor. Same time next week? I will try my best with the friends thing but I’m not making any promises” you said smiling a little. “At least try!” She smiled back at you but you could tell she was being serious. You grab your stuff and head out of her office, back down the stairs and out to the car that Principal Weems was waiting in. It looked like nothing had changed except the crossword she was doing when you left looked almost complete. You opened the door making the principal jump slightly not expecting anyone to open the door. “Oh hey y/n! You made me jump slightly” she giggled “how was your session today?” She asked, trying to spark a conversation.

“Same as they normally are. I don’t really want to talk about it. Can we go back now?” The principal's expression changed ever so slightly that you wouldn’t even notice but deep down she was hurting slightly. She has always wanted what was best for her students and she wanted to be that person that people could come to when things weren’t right. I guess that wasn’t the case. “Well I was thinking maybe we could go to the Weathervane for a hot chocolate and something to eat if you’re feeling up to it?”

You looked back to Principal Weems who had a small smile plastered on her face. “I’m ok thanks. I just want to head back if that’s alright” you said putting your headphones back in and blasting your rock music. Larissa’s smile vanished immediately and hurt filled her up from the inside. She thought that she was someone students could come to. If you felt like this then who else does. With that she started the car back up and headed back to Nevermore.

Once you arrived you said goodbye to Principal Weems and headed back to your dorm. You were one of the few lucky ones that didn’t have a roommate. This way you could go to your room and cry for hours without worrying that you were disturbing anyone. This probably was not a healthy way of dealing with things however therapy was draining. By the end of most sessions you just felt overwhelmed and crying was just the best solution. Well it’s better than the alternative. So that’s what you did when you got into your dorm. You changed into your pjs before crying yourself to sleep knowing that you weren't disturbing anyone.

Well that’s what you thought. Larissa decided to check on you that afternoon and all she could hear was your crying. She just wanted you to open up to her. Maybe she could help. She knew that she couldn’t force you to do anything and maybe letting you come to her would be the better option. Her heart broke for you therefore deciding that every week after therapy she would suggest the idea of hot chocolate. Who knows maybe you would feel bad for her and finally give in to her pleas.

The rest of the week flew by. You did as your therapist instructed and tried to make efforts with your friends. She was right, it was more fun than you thought it would be. However you weren't going to let her know just yet. You and your friends all went out on the lake kayaking together before docking up and having a picnic for lunch. Wednesday decided it was a good idea to bring along her portable speaker so we could jam out to music all afternoon. It was nice spending time with them all in a setting that wasn’t the classroom. Larissa was also glad to see you spending time with your friends. One of her office windows overlooks the lake and was able to see you having a good time with your friends. She could tell that with time you would start to let yourself heal.

Before you knew it Saturday had come around again and you were preparing yourself for the same ordeal. In fact every Saturday for the next month and a bit felt like it was on repeat. The day would always start by you getting ready and meeting Principal Weems in the car. She would start a little conversation with you but of course the only thing you wanted to do was listen to your music. So you would put on your headphones and listen to your music all the way to Jericho. Principal Weems would drop you off before you went inside for the next hour and a half to speak with your therapist. Who at the end of each session would give you a little task to do for the next week plus any paperwork she thought you would need. You would go back out to the car to see Principal Weems with an almost completed crossword puzzle to which she would set aside once you were inside the car. She then like clockwork would suggest hot chocolate at the Weathervane to which you always turned her down before then heading back to Nevermore. That was until one week you had finally decided that enough for enough.

The day started like it normally did, you got in the car and drove down to Jericho. Principal Weems parked outside of your therapist’s office before you jumped out the car and headed inside. Therapy for you has actually started to become enjoyable. It didn’t seem so draining and you were able to complete each task given to you every week without it feeling like a chore and thanks to these tasks you were finally able to open up to your friends about your past which means you now have someone to turn to when you're feeling low.

As your session with your therapist came to an end you prepared yourself for the weekly question you got from Principal Weems. You thought by now she would have given up on the idea of hot chocolate at the Weathervane but man was she persistent. As you jumped in the car you waited for Principal Weems to ask her weekly question. “Hey y/n! Hope your session went ok. I was going to ask about going to the Weathervane but I’ve kinda taken the hint now that you don’t want to go. So come on strap in. I will take you back to Nevermore” she said, starting up the car and putting her seat belt back on.

“Actually Principal Weems I was kind of hoping that we could go to the Weathervane today for hot chocolate” you said with a small smile plastered on your face. “Oh..well I wasn’t expecting that response.” She turned off the car and got out with you following her actions. “Come on then. Let’s go get something to eat and drink.”

You felt sorry for your principal. This whole time she was trying to do something nice for you to make this whole experience just a little bit easier. Trying to make you feel like you had someone to turn to and this whole time you just pushed her aside. You felt like an idiot. This whole time she had been trying to help you and you wouldn’t even let her try. As you rounded the corner the Weathervane came into view.

“So y/n, what would you like to eat and drink?” She asked, looking down at you with a big smile. “Umm…could I please get a medium hot chocolate and a rhubarb and custard danish if they have any. If they don’t I will just have a croissant” you said looking up to your principal and then back down to your feet. Unfortunately you still couldn’t hold eye contact for too long so who knows what this could turn out like. As you walked through the doors of the Weathervane, Principal Weems told you to go sit down at one of the booths while she went to order the food and drinks. You choose one of the booths in the far corner but by the window so you could look outside if you so wished. You did like people watching it was always quite entertaining.

After about five minutes Principal Weems came back with a couple of cakes and sat down opposite you in the booth. “They had your danish, our drinks should be over shortly," she said, sliding your plate across the table so you could tuck into your little morning snack. “So what made you change your mind then y/n?” she asked just before taking a bite out of her croissant. “Well there are a couple of reasons why I changed my mind. The first being I felt bad. You asked every week and every week I turned you down. It has taken me this long to realise that you were just looking out for me and was giving me someone else I could rely on. The second reason is that I just fancied hot chocolate” you said giggling.

“Well then” she laughed “well I’m glad you have finally allowed yourself to trust me. I never planned to bring you here so I could pry into your life. I never wanted you to tell me what happened in your sessions. I just thought it would be a nice place to go where we could hang out for a bit and chat just to make life that tad bit easier. We could talk about anything” she said. It was nice that she cared for you and just wants you to feel safe and cared for.

The waiter came over placing both your drinks on the table before walking back over to their station to continue making more hot drinks for the rest of the customers in the little cafe. You and Principal Weems continued to talk about your lives until you had both finished your food and drinks. To be honest this was nice. Why you didn’t say yes in the first place was beyond you. Maybe if you had the happiness that now fills your body then maybe it would have come a lot sooner.

From that day onwards you and Larissa, which she has now allowed you to call her, always spend your lunchtime at the Weathervane every Saturday after your therapy session. It was nice to finally have a teacher you could trust with your life and you valued the friendship that has developed between the two of you.

[violetsandshrikes]

So I had an interesting interaction I’m still mulling over.

When I was in primary, I got bullied, a lot. Some of this was because I was weird and a little bit socially awkward (for a number of reasons I’ve realised later in life), but a large part was because my brother and my best friend were both autistic.

This is the early 2000s and still in the tail of the big “vaccines did it” surge. My brother was a few years younger than me and my best friend was my age. They got treated terribly; teachers were horrible, medical staff were horrible, there was absolutely no support or accommodations available and other kids got away with some horrendous things. Because I stayed friends with them and aggressively defended them both, I was also a prime target.

A girl reached out of me from that time across multiple social media. She looks very different but I remember her very well. She was the ringleader of the other girls who made my life a living hell. I think the highlight of all of that is when I wouldn’t let her kick my best friend who was on the ground, we got into a scuffle and she broke my nose.

She’s in a people-facing and support role now. She’s a bit of what I guess would be called a community organiser and an advocate. She’s passionate about her causes. She reached out because she said she felt a lot of guilt about that time and she wanted to apologise to me.

She told me that later in her childhood/teenage years, her sister died and it was life changing for her. She said she’d realised that she’d been mean and spoilt and privileged and that she wanted to make amends and begin to make lives better. I told her that I’m really sorry that happened to her and that I was glad that she managed find a way to move forward and a purpose.

I think what really caught her off guard though was that I told her that I accept she’s sorry, but I can’t forgive her and I don’t want to be friends or acquaintances. And she was really really shocked. And confused. She couldn’t understand; we’d both grown up and things had changed and we’d experienced new things and in a way I think she needed this as an absolution.

And I told her really bluntly that the way she treated me last a really long time. She’d beat me up every week at school and then I’d go home to a violent household. My self-confidence was at 0. I cried away where no one could see a lot. And while I could actually forgive her for all of that, I couldn’t forgive her for the effects that her bullying had on my brother and best friend. What she did was the beginning of a life time of people being shitty. They both still struggle immensely. They are both brilliant and clever and kind and funny people, who still struggle with depression and fear and self-worth because of the way people like her treated them.

I don’t hate her. But I don’t think apologies can always be accepted. I’m also very aware that she’s apologising to me, sure, but is she apologising to them? Or, after all this time, self-reflection and guilt, is she still othering them.