#but imagine how sad id be in one
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Twitter: here's resources for founders in silicon valley who might need support with their companies
me, looking down the list, the dread rising with each pic of people having "business fun":
#so much masking so much masking#i dont wanna#i gotta figure out equity now and its the last thing i want to do with my life#if you get into an accelerator they probably have lawyers taking care of it for you#without having to pay fhem $400/hr#but imagine how sad id be in one#fujos need to roam free startup accelerators are a deadly environment for their soul
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megan thee stallion is the perfect example of unbothered energy. nicki has repeatedly vagueposted about her, gone on unhinged rants about her, gone so far as to mention her dead mother (such a classless low blow), threatened her on live, and has now released the tackiest diss track in history. and what has megan done? literally nothing. she straight up ignored her, aside from that one ig story where she posted herself laughing (which was perfect btw). she is the epitome of “i will not dignify that w a response.” i love it.
#btw i was rly into megan before it became trendy now in light of her dropping hiss / the nicki debacle#nicki’s latest music has been ass anyway but it’s sad to see her behaving like this to newer rap girls#the parasocial hate is literally so intense / insane like i can’t imagine hating someone enough to be persistently harassing them like this#nicki’s a celeb so you’d think she’d know a thing or two about how dangerous it is to pit her fans on somebody else like this#unless this is all just a bid to stay relevant which i would not be surprised ab but nicki seems PRESSED.#i guess if i released something like pink friday 2 id also be feeling threatened by a new rap girl w the bars megan has#i just want her to leave my homegirl megan alone. good on megan for ignoring and living her best life. the energy i wanna emulate#i’m not usually one to play into the whole pit women against other women thing but nicki’s recent actions are so inappropriate. wild#btw megan majored in health administration in uni?? which is a major factor as to why i’m obsessed w her. anyway#text
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favorite frank is. frank with kids. this guy was meant to be a dad
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#hes doing his best#im not even a big fan of kids myself. cant imagine having any i dont think id be any good at it#franks great though. clearly having kids is something he still really wishes he could have but cant due to. yk. the punisher thing#im tired of hornyposting he makes me sad#fuck whats that one ph comments meme. i dont even want to jerk off anymore i just want to be loved#oooh i think about it. i think about his smile the smile you can only see in old pictures he keeps#and sometimes the ghost of it when hes trying his best with kids#its beautiful how he loves them. and very sad how he hates himself#theres also something to be said about the times kids are scared of him and how he accepts it as part of what he 'needs' to do#surely thats not a part of the way he constantly tries to punish himself for 'failing' his family. surely
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I've been thinking about alien stage and milgram so
All in (Hyuna and Till) but it's with Kotoko and Fuuta
OOHH I've been going crazy over this -- I've only touched on Milgram/Alien Stage aus a bit but now I'm hooked 👀 I was playing around for a while with how to incorporate the song specifically, and had a ton of fun with this lyric/scene experiment, haha! I was shocked at how well the song would suit them even in Milgram canon... I used gender neutral descriptions for the Mizi-character because I'm not sure who people would picture for that role, and wanted to leave it open. Also um. tw major character death :( sorry.
Your eyes grow wide at my dazzling entrance, and your heart beats fast, OK! There's no point fighting back – this is the march of the fools.
The rebel leader stands proudly on the stage. Her followers practically howl at her arrival. Their gathering spot may have been a secret, but they didn’t bother being quiet about their excitement. The tides are turning, and everyone feels it. It doesn’t matter what kind of front the aliens put up; everyone knows the fear that their leader strikes into her enemies. Every planet, moon, and ship knows what she’s capable of. They know that going up against her brass knuckles will only have one outcome for them. No matter the cost, Yuzuriha Kotoko will come out on top.
Endless cheer and applause – I hear the song grow louder and louder. Fill up the entire nebula!
The contestant brings his guitar down with all the force he can muster, sparks flying out and scorching his hands. The audience roars at the display. He’s tired of all those eyes watching him, but at least he’s making them all watch as he destroys some little piece of them. For now, they only find morbid curiosity in his fruitless rage, but someday he’ll sing loud enough, act loud enough, scream loud enough that the galaxy will be forced to hear him. To alien and human alike, the face of Kajiyama Fuuta is an icon of rebellion.
Just laugh, hey kick and break ya! To the galaxy shining bright, chi-cheers. Change the game with a single action. Trust me and I'll show you, chi-cheers.
Kotoko’s boot cracks bones on impact. It wasn’t even her steel leg that had rendered her enemy into this mess. The alleyway is too hidden and the neon city street too distracted for anyone to hear the alien’s final cries at her feet. Her team catches up with her, breathless with exertion and shock at the victim she leaves in her wake. As soon as she holds up what they came here to get, all doubt leaves them. Their ship will echo with celebration tonight.
We only get one life, so I'm living mine for me, cause I'm the one from your wildest dreams. I'll create a fantasy in this crazy world and change it all, I'm going all-in.
“Ha-ha –!” Fuuta hasn’t heard himself laugh in a long time. It isn’t a pleasant sound, and neither is the chaos that follows as the fight escalates. But damn, did it feel good. The lights of the paparazzi blind him as he’s yanked out of a magnetic train car. The crowd deafens him. The aliens around him bruise and break him down. But he holds tight to the things deep in his mind. He imagines himself as a shining hero. He thinks of them – his own hero. He conjures up a world that’s better for both of them. It’s for this reason he wrenches his arm away from those holding him back. Though his collar buzzes with electricity, he takes another swing.
A universe brimming with dreams… Who will remain standing at the end of it all? Don't you wanna know? Caught within rules without rules, a bird is set free. I hear the song grow louder, fill up the entire nebula!
As the glass shatters around her, Kotoko can’t help but savor the moment suspended in the air. Given her many escapes over the years, she hadn’t been worried about making it out in one piece. And yet her heart races each time she tastes freedom again. She lands on her feet, pausing to make sure her newest recruit is keeping up. Kotoko flashes a wide, toothy smile at them, and they return it shakily. They seem a bit shaken by all the blood that had been spilled on the way, but Kotoko is proud of how quickly they’ve adapted to this liberated lifestyle. She’s riding the thrill of success, knowing she’s changed the outcome of Alien Stage once again. Another weak human saved from their captors. Another victory.
Just laugh, hey kick and break ya! To the galaxy shining bright, chi-cheers. Change the game with a single action. Trust me and I'll show you, chi-cheers.
Smoke chokes Fuuta’s lungs, but it doesn’t hold him back. The private dinner room is full of the rich and powerful as they eat, smoke, and laugh at humans’ expense. They place bets on the upcoming competition rounds. They harass Fuuta to perform for them, eyes of all shapes and colors boring into him. Through the haze and dim lights, the spark of resistance is burning as bright as always. He dares to talk back at a figure who is not used to being talked back to. Fuuta dodges a few strikes, even getting in a few kicks of his own before he’s overwhelmed with a blow to his right eye.
We only get one life, so I'm living mine for me, cause I'm the one from your wildest dreams. I'll create a fantasy in this crazy world and change it all, I'm going all-in.
Kotoko tries to hide her snarl at the massive advertisement screens they pass. Even flying by at these speeds, she gets a clear look at the Alien Stage champion and his coy smile. It churns her stomach. She had always wondered why any contestant would willingly stand up there and sing, knowing it would get someone else killed. They were complicit in murder, if you asked her. But this man – his actions were far more than “complicit.” The face of a tiny girl flashes through her mind. For a moment, she’s lost in a vision of the girl by her side – still laughing, still carefree in the world that Kotoko is working towards. Reality returns to her. She discharges her weapon directly into an alien’s face.
Every obstacle in my way, I've crushed them all. Step all over me but I'll rise again. It's you who's in the wrong, bet you had no idea.
The lights go up, and Fuuta sways on his feet. He finds himself instantly winded as he starts to sing. The heat from the show’s pyrotechnics make him even dizzier. His good eye surveys the crowd. He would not let these villains win. They took the people he cared about. They took the people who cared about him. Hell, they even took his guitar. He knows that by the end, they’ll take his life, too. It’s all the more reason to continue. He sees now that his intensity had inspired others, even if it hadn’t saved them. Fuuta refuses to go down quietly. He refuses to stop singing. He opens his mouth:
“Hey!”
Kotoko shouts it after the new recruit, but their mind is made up. She’s left clutching at her injury and frantically typing on the huge machine, trying to complete their original mission. The screen streaming the event flashes with images of the redhead pouring his heart out onstage. Kotoko lets out a strangled sound of frustration and stands to follow.
Just laugh, hey kick and break ya! To the galaxy shining bright, chi-cheers. Change the game with a single action. Trust me and I'll show you, chi-cheers. Whatever comes to mind, give it a chance. Contemplate all you want, won't change a thing.
Blood pools around the losing contestant. All that shouting and he can’t even choke out a goodbye, now. The intruder stands in the one place she spent her life fighting tooth and nail to escape forever. They lock eyes. They’d only heard accounts of the other, but in that brief moment, they understand. They are just two humans, two loud humans, who had a vision of how bright the universe could be someday. Despite it all, they both ended up here, doomed to die on this stage after singing out to an uncaring audience. Fuuta’s gaze slips away. He offers one last smile to his hero. For the first and last time, he is content. Kotoko turns her attention away from them, to the audience. She clenches her fists and feels very far from content.
Don’t you dare stop now –
Justice assemble! Till the end –
Ride the waves of passing time, and run with the wind 'til morning, don't stop.
#milgram#kotoko yuzuriha#fuuta kajiyama#alien stage#CURSE YOU ANON FOR MAKING ME SAD ABOUT TILL ALL OVER AGAIN WAAHHH#id say i still havent recovered from blink gone but honestly all of the till sections reminded me just how shitty he had it -_-#thank you for your patience!! i literally started working on this one right away but writing has just been so slow going rip#but i really enjoyed thinking about them filling these roles and how their canon symbolism/strengths/flaws would tie in 👀👀👀#i wanted to do more with fuutas potential religiousness next trial and the alien stage symbol of god but could quite fit it in right#i imagined luka as kotokos victim just for the sake of the lucky flashback but i know people probably wanted a milgram character oops#so i figured i could at least leave mizi open. ive seen several aus with mahiru in that spot#but i feel like 02/06/08/09 could all fill that role of fuutas (possibly platonic) savior and kotokos new partner in crime#not connected to this but you should go check out moibakadesus milgram/alien stage art from yesterday (featuring till-fuuta + hyuna-kotoko)#drabbles
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*steals your trauma*
There, it's mine now. You can't have it back.
(I'll let you decide if this is an in-character ask or not)
HEY, I-
I...
I think I need to sit down for a moment...
#me#angelofchaos001#ask#ive been thinking about this ask nonstop for a while#like on a philisophical level#what is trauma? the pain? the scars? the injury itself?#what happens if you take it away?#how would that feel?#hard to say. But. I like to think it would feel... relaxing.#espexially- i mean‚ for someone fueled only by utter hatred and wrath?#imagine all of that pain just. disappearing.#to feel warm for the first time#i think artificer is a very fundimentally sad person#and once shes done with her rampage‚ all thats left would be ashes#hm...#artificers response here is vague#because truth be told?#i know those ashes all too well#so who artificer would be without them‚ who *id* be without them?#i have no idea.#uhhh sorry if you didnt mean this so seriously i couldnt help it GJEVJSHSJSGSNE#I genuinely have spent hours thinkin about this one‚ thanks for the material!#infodump#i promise im normal FJSGAKWGWKSBIFJDJSJ
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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My 3 little cousins were baptized today. "Triggered" is kind of a strong word but being in a catholic church again... I'm a little fragile rn ngl.
#butch speaks#it was hard not to shake as i held J over the basin to have the water poured on his head#when he was cleansed of sin. as if a little kid could ever knowly or intentionally offend a so-called loving god#the words came naturally to me#but they meant nothing#i remember when they used to mean something. when i begged gods forgiveness for my sin (being a lesbian) and tried to pray the gay away#i remember how much i wanted to die bc i could never truly embrace the sacred#i STILL deal with the complex of catholic guilt. its a very real thing. its hard to shake#i cant help but wonder if the catholicism ingrained in my brain is why i have a hard time with casual dating n sex#fun fact: there was a point when i was a teen that i got REALLY catholic#i prayed everyday. i talked to my patrin saint (st agnes) every day. i wantsd to become a nun#the thought of marrying a man mad me more sad than feeling like an alien did. so id marry the church as a nun.#not the way to hide being a dyke when ur fam is catholic btw LMAO#the first priest i knew was father joe. i loved that guy. he was so kind. friendly. briming with love.#he was one of my biggest references for what a good person was like#he talked about gods love a lot. how its for everyone. no one is exluded. ever.#he used to look right at me when he said stuff like that. a few other kids too. all of whom grew up to be queer#then father joe passed away. our church merged with another church. father jeff was the priest there.#he was kind but not as kind. he talked about hell and sin more. he looked at the same kids father joe did.#but the kindness in his eyes wasnt there.#that wasnt for us.#my family wasnt even THAT catholic#i went to church every sunday i did vacation bible school and catechism classes and youth group#i was an altar servant and in the choir#i even used to speak/understand a little latin#imagine how much worse id have been if my mom could have afforded catholic school lmao#grateful to have grown up poor in that regard#hm. actually... reading my own tags. mayne we were pretty catholic actually.#fucking hell.#i need to have lesbian sex in a church before god and everyone. mayeb that would fix me.
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finally.... the famed FART team is within reach o7 took 76 pity for the guarantee which is. Expected im just happy to actually have her man!!!!! grinded like crazy yesterday for the pulls lmao
still no moze e2 tho 😔😔 just e35 astas and e18 lukas and offrates its so tragic. but ya ill just keep on pulling whenever i get enough for a 10 on feixiaos hdhausjskdkdk ik topaz is the universal best option for feixiao and e6 hunt march has her strong uses too i just want to be able to run him lore accurately against cringe lightning weak with my beloved generall <3
(like yes i cleared aventurine on MoC 12 fine enough yesterday with just aven RM topaz feixiao bc shes busted like that and robin will doubtlessly make that even more of a breeze but. still. moze is a funky guy with funky animations and a cool kit i deserve this 😤😤)
#Zero expectations on some sort of luck turn arounf and early e1 on feixiao tho 💀💀💀💀#....unless? 👁#ik meta wise robin e1 is better but i love feixiao i will not be hearing arguments on this one#imagining how much i mightve been able to save for her and try for eidolons if i hadnt just.#lost all my 50-50s 💀💀 its sad. id go for e2 if i could i want her to be broken busted smh#hsr#gaming tag
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very busy babysitting a duo of kittens (only two months old) the last few days but i shall be drawing when i return home (this includes requests)
and also if anyone wants to see the babies send an ask and i can post them in response hehe i have taken SO many photos
#yew branch#also i just missed a step on the stairs going down and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow#i am now trapped on the couch until my back stops exploding at least a bit#upside tho is that the kittens are playing together on the couch#sometimes right on my lap!! theyre so so so so cute#i adore them#BUT YEAH i shall be drawing when i return home provided my back allows me to sit upright by that time#bc it sure isnt rn GDJSGJS#im sad ill have to go home tho.. these kittens are some of the cutest beasts alive#life is worth living because every day kittens are playing and having fun#i miiiiiiight be able to indirectly take one#one of my best friends might possibly be able/willing to take one and keep her with her own cat for me#until i move out of my parents house mid next year#so i might get to have... kitten that ive watched grow up from newborns...#the story behind these kittens is that one of my other best friends took in a stray and she turned out to be pregnant#and had these two!!#im also watching the three adult cats in this house but theyre not nearly as much of a handful#as can be imagined this friend is very tired of having 5 cats in the house regardless of how small two of them are GDJSVSN#which is very very understandable#i dont think i would want five cats unless i had a fairly large house. if i had a large house and plenty of free time most of each day#to give them play time and tons of affection#as well as the physical ability to keep up with them all#then id gladly have five cats#who knows maybe someday ill have a nice big house and plenty of spare time and my ddd will be under control#but that doesnt seem likely#aside from ddd being managed! because i have a pain relieving steroid injection tomorrow and then ill be starting physical therapy!!#im excited and i have a lot of hope for at least the physical therapy to help#PLUS THEY HAVE A POOL FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!!!!! AND I LOVE SWIMMING ESPECIALLY AS A GENTLE WORKOUT#and low impact things are very important for my body specifically i cant do high impact exercise or itll hurt me#plus i just love being in water i swear i was meant to be an aquatic elf from dnd
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gotta get up early for class tomorrow im so sleepy but i suddenly felt the urge to calculate how much money's been spent on my post secondary education till now and i literally feel nauseous
#LIKE.... what the fuck .#and the way my contribution has been minimal how am i ever gonna like . repay my dad for this#also how does he just .....spend so much . he'll always pay for anything school related w/o saying anything weird#like why is this genuinely making me crysjrjfjskwkfj#i KNEWWWW it was a lot but i was just thinking id love to pay him back for it somehow#so i was like lemme pull up all my undergrad invoices and the current stuff too and i did the math and .....#LIKE I FEEL SICK obv i have Issues w my dad but sometimes i feel so bad for him his dad passed away when he was 15#so i feel like he jas that Thing for like being super present in his kids' lives#and education is like a Biiiiig thing for him bc he had to work and earn and pay for his own (ig his mom helped as much as she could)#THIS IS MAKING ME SOB IM SO SAD#and the way i cant even fucking find a job to at least earn SOMETHINGGGG i can help with its so stupid#anyway idk Whats going on in my brain rn i should sleep god#like im so grateful but theres so much guilt too ??#desi culture is insane bc imagine you work your whole entire life and then you have to pay for every one of ur kids' education weddings etc#OK GOOD NIGHT will i delete this is it too . personal . idk#h talks
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due to Life Shit I kind of stopped drawing much about a year or two after I graduated high school bc I just kind of didn’t have the time or mental/emotional/physical capacity to fit it in, despite art being something I really want to be a part of my career. It kind of makes me sick to realize how much muscle memory I lost just from that time (I had only about a year and a half total of absolutely no art but that was enough. doesn’t help that during that time I seriously injured my hands) considering I’ve been drawing my entire life. I really wish things had not gone that way and that I could have kept going, but expectations were on me to do something else and any time I sat down to draw was treated as wasting time. There’s also something weird about recovering from severe trauma that kind of adjusts how you engage with a hobby you used as a coping mechanism, which Art very much was. I almost never drew vent art, but I used it to focus on something and make myself happy and proud of work I actually could do, and once I was out of the environments that funneled me into drawing (being forced to go to church, school, anything involving sitting down for a long period of time) I found less time to actually have an excuse. Someone bought me a single college course of art classes right out of high school, and I think that was where I COULD have had the opportunity to really get started if I had actually had the money to continue and the college hadn’t been so far away. After that course ended I didn’t have that excuse anymore. I used to draw in DeviantArt and Discord art groups, but those began to fall apart and soon I didn’t have that option either. After that I doodled but didn’t really create Full Pieces unless some friend asked it of me, and it was never a commission bc I’d never trained myself to get that sort of shit done without taking too long, so I’d always do it for free. So even that wasn’t a big motivator eventually. Now that I’m struggling for work after becoming more physically disabled after COVID, all that time I could have spent honing my art skills so I could do SOMETHING with my art really is weighting down on me. I have the option to do freelance work, illustrations, pet commissions, even things like cards and cookies. I’ve seen these avenues open up for me gradually, but I’ve lost the skills I built up that I need to actually make something I’m proud of. I’ve taken to tracing old art to try and remember my thought process and my “style”… but my memory was bad BEFORE the covid, and it’s worse now, and my brain fog makes it hard to focus even if I could get back on the train of thought. I don’t remember the construction that would be in my mind’s eye. I barely can keep a clear vision in my mind’s eye anymore, worryingly. I never had a crystal clear imagination, it was always sort of abstract, but I could see the lines, I could construct a scene. Now I have to focus hard to get any sort of detail clear in my head. It’s like if you tried to look directly into someone’s face in a dream, or put in a prompt in neural blender. So I have to adjust to performing the entire thought process physically, slowly and tediously trying to figure out what I’m imagining before I can really get started. Those old art tutorials for constructing shapes and bodies and such just aren’t coming naturally anymore so I have to dredge deep into my mind to remember which advice helped “click” the best and knowing it might not do it this second time around. It’s like if you forgot how to ride a bike. It was something natural to you, you could even get started haphazardly and distracted and still be able to tell where you were going and not fall over or trip on yourself, but now it’s like you have to focus on each step and it constantly feels like it’s taking everything you have to not crash. I’m glad I can start drawing again, but it hurts that something so huge in my life has been turned into this. I’ve ranted about it before it’s just easier to notice when you’re not sketching out people’s pets or doing super stylized doodles.
#I didn’t know you could max out a ‘text block’ on tumblr also. my indication to stop LOL#long post#vent#kind of. I’m not like super angsty abt it I’m just sad that I have to spend more time remembering#instead of actually accomplishing anything with my dreams. I’m 26 and there’s 18 year olds living my fucking dream yknow#I know you don’t have a certain age requirement for art but I also know you never stop improving#and being set back before I was even proud enough to set prices for my work is kind of devastating#I just love art. I want to be an animator or something involve with creative concepts.#I want to make things I’m proud of. but what used to come easily now feels like chewing nails#the metal ones not the cartilidge. anyway#I know I’m kind of hard on myself but it’s hard not to be when you’re surrounded by people with such talent#and it feels like you’re running behind when you see people getting to their dreams so much sooner than you.#I know it’ll happen but it hurts sometimes remembering what I used to imagine id be doing at this age#and realizing past me probably had more of a chance at these careers than I do right now bc of brain damage and physical and mental issues#it’s not confirmed if I have brain damage but like. I can tell something is different.#it’s not like they’d be able to diagnose it by now or even that it’d change anything#I just have to keep going and keep trying. it’s just discouraging and frustrating#I wish I could summon all the memories from my brain back up so I could feel happier about my art#I’m happy to have the chance to start drawing again don’t get me wrong. I still like to draw. it’s just.#I can tell the difference between how it was and how it is now and it makes me mourn#ough I wish I still had a therapist lmao. Deb get the fuck back here you traitor.
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my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and
#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls#girl#and i was so tired#am so tired#i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't#i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne#i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭#just. kya batau main#i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i#liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest#i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic#everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much#draining and destroys my peace and then they leave#it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship#whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night#every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on#pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking#into a million tiny pieces everytime#i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the#sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's#she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of#i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her#but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna#die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i#need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy#does that make sense#okay bye i should really start writing a diary
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made an appointment to talk to my rabbi about the whole “my abusive dad who has been the boogeyman around the corner my whole life up and died suddenly and it kinda turned me inside out and jewish grieving rituals helped me a lot when my beloved granddad died but i don’t know what to do now that i cant seem to get past the death of someone im not grieving and don’t remotely want to honour” thing hopefully he’ll be able to like. help out there, some words of wisdom, some advice. trying not to feel weird about reaching out about it, i think this is what clergy is sorta for. probably.
#gav gab#he seemed totally cool with it but yknow#[reaches out to community religious leader for support and guidance] IS THIS ALLOWED?#i cannot seem to just. get over this one#which is dumb this has had no material impact on my life but#i still feel yknow. turned inside out about it.#it’s just annoying like can i not be done with this already.#if it were anybody else and they were like yeah my dad died this month and im not over it yet wtf is wrong with me#id be like bro wtf#that’s insane#but it’s like. we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in seven years#im not sad#this isn’t like a devastating loss like you’d imagine when someone is like I Lost A Parent#but im still just#idk. im leveled. i don’t know how t not be#don’t worry about me though im fine I’m not any worse than like. last week or whatever#it simply continues being what it is i guess
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funny update a couple of months later for People Who Want to Know: i dont have the car that got me into this Incredibly Minor Accident anymore. while after the accident, i did have to get the brakes serviced (wow, they were faulty, who knew!), it proceeded to have Several More Issues, such as: the transmission being fucked up and Trouble With Turns. i still drove it regardless because i needed that shit to get to college but eventually the radiator fan stopped working on it (where it would start overheating if the car wasn't moving (if the car was moving then air could still blow over the engine, cooling it down)) and My Mother deemed it too dangerous to drive. RIP to the shitty 2012 jeep liberty hand-me-down with 200k miles that led to the creation of the Kim Moment(TM).
need to share an experience i had 30 minutes ago
(edit: thanks to @walks-the-ages for providing and reminding me to put alt text, sorry it slips my mind alot lol)
#also i have not had any Kim Moments since. SAD!#very funny to me all the people with systems relating w/ this. unfortunately my brain likes to play with characters like dolls and it will#do this to me sometimes. shoutout to the times when someone would text something to me and then id envision what one of my OCs would respon#with in my head. adhd hyperfixation moment if i can be quite honest.#also i never got a follow up from the other guy that i got into the accident with so im assuming his car is okay. thumbsup emoji#and i havent been in any accidents since so erm... w for me!#(i have only been driving this new car for like 5 days and im Nervous. and ill be driving it more than my old car because im Getting Job#soon.... ough)#i remember the day that My Mother decided the car was too unsafe to drive very clearly. because it happened recently.#for some context: i live 30 minutes away from one of the campuses of my college. but the campus i need to actually attend (because it's the#campus with all of the IT shit at it woo network admin) is a full on hour away and also located inside a big city. thankfully the campus i#live near has a service that sends a bus between those two campuses so i can drive to that campus#and then get on the bus for the remaining 30 mins it takes to get there#now imagine you're me. because of fears developed by having Childhood ADHD i am very afraid of being late for ANYTHING. because i need to#rely on the bus schedule between the two campuses#every day i make sure to leave at least 30 mins earlier than i realistically could. this is both because if i dont i'll be Late To Being#Early but also despite my route not going across any major roads#i live in Suburban Bumfuck Town and the two-lane roads i use to travel are the exclusive lifelines to the rest of Everywhere Fucking Else#so they have a tendency to get backed up when backups happen in Everywhere Fucking Else (could specify more but i dont wanna doxx myself :p#cue The Day. i am Driving to College. i already have some knowledge that my car seems to have some trouble with cooling itself down#but i'm not sure what the cause is or how big of a problem it is yet. unbeknownst to me an Accident has occured on one of the major routes#in my area. as I'm approaching to be about 10 mins away from the campus i start to see evidence of The Traffic because of this.#while being just a dinky two-lane road this shit is practically bumper-to-bumper. moving at a snail's pace#and i imagine it's likely because people are being jackasses about merging onto this road from the people who have had their route#unexpectedly diverted because of the accident.#so im sitting there in the traffic. the car is not moving or it is moving very slowly across short distances.#DING! goes the car. ah crap the engine temp is starting to get high... maybe being stopped is what causes it i think to myself#so now i am Slightly Worried. the car has Dinged. and i might even be Late to School because of the traffic. but surely the cars gonna be#fine driving me the rest of the way right?#advance forward in time about like 5 minutes. i have moved forward but not much. i am near the gas station i usually refill at en route
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I wish that I was more
#sad hours at the huskin bee#personal#graduating soon and the animation department is collecting photos of everyone in the drive#and seeing all these group photos of everyone in the program makes me realize how distant i am from them#and how close knit everyone else has become...#ive never been good at making friends and within like the first few weeks of school it was like everyone got to know each other#and the few friends i made in the program left after the first year#i wish my social anxiety wasnt so bad i tried harder to make friends in college#also i have an essay due on monday and i might just not do it#or itll be really half assed#ive been doing well so far in that class so if i dont do it i think the least id get is a C#idk maybe i can still make friends w these ppl after college somehow but itd still feel weird bc i had a completely different shm experience#than they had#ahhhh#i can imagine a future reunion where ppl will talk to be about old drama that was big among this giant friend group#that consists of most people in my year that ill have no idea what theyre talking abt#bc im never in the loop abt anything ever lol#this actually happened at my hs animation reunion except i actually knew and talked to most ppl in that class#i wasnt like super close to most of them but i had a few closeish friends#and i know one of those friends probably werent/arent in the know#also like i did hear abt relationship drama back in the day bc gossip spread p easily#anyways i was told completely new information abt someone getting stalked back then so thats wild#and apparently there was a super handsome guy in our class that i for some reason have zero recollection of#point is i be the last person to know something and if i know smth then everyone probably already knew#which is annoying. i wanna hear gossip too. even in my own family my sisters will tell each other and our mom about shit that went down w#their friends or our cousins and i only hear abt it when im in the room#so i end up hearing a lot but never directly and sometimes not in full#man i shouldve gone on more college field trips#shouldve done a lot more in life that my insecurities get the way of#tbh i genuinely think i might have a form of undiagnosed anxiety; tism; or some other mental disorder
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The sadness and agony that emerges everytime I start a new oni save and am forced to remember what it's like to have a dupe without a hat only to put them in a hat because I think they'd look cute only to remember hats make half of them look bald but I spent this long maxing out a skill for them so Im too stubborn to back down and remove the hat
#rat rambles#oni posting#it wouldnt be nearly as much of a problem if dupes didnt all have the same like 3 faces that I suck ass at differenciating at a glance#the amount of times Ive mixed up my maes and nikolas makes me sad Im sorry mae no one should be mistaken with nikola#if I knew how to acess the animation files Id be tempted to make a mod to change it but I dont so Im not#but imagine how cute itd be if abe and nikola had their side spikes stiking out from the sides of their hats#couldnt save the super short haired ppl tho sorry ren ari travaldo turner ruby and probably others too#speaking of my ari I keep mistaking my hassan for ari even tho I dont have an ari yet sorry bestie#hes my main storage and cleaning guy which is the role ari is in my other save#anyways the new save is continuing to go well even if things have slowed down a lil#I managed to get my salt water guiser up and running even if its a very lazy approach of basically just cooling it in a tundra biome#but itll work for the time being until I can get plastic from either drekos or by tapping into my oil biome#Im going for drekos rn since I have a lot of them around but if I can get some atmo suits set up quick enough I might just dive for oil#mainly because I want natural gas for a gas range tbh especially since I started farming waterweed as well#along with duskcaps so I already have access to the ingredients for several high quality gas range foods if I can get one running#now that might be a bit hasty but also I havent actually set base on the teleporter planetoid yet and both the transporters are right there#and I managed to find the sender on my main planetoid so I could pretty easily send over high quality food as a nice start up#this mostly tempts me because theres also a distinct lack of particularly easy to farm plants in the immediate vicinity of the teleporter#which doesnt mean there Wont be food but it does mean that quite a bit of digging will likely need to be done#with is also made tricky by the lack of early settlement oxygen sources available#and while I could theoretically send oxygen from the main colony Id rly rather not until I can get a spom or two set up#which leaves oxyferns and rust as the main oxygen options there until reliable water is found#now one thing I could do is fully transition my main base to getting all its oxygen from a spom and then send the rest of my algae over#my main thing is just Im not rly sure where I wanna put my first spom#I just simply dont have as many options as Id like due to being surrounded by mostly swampy and jungle biomes#not that I couldnt build there or dig them out its just Id rly rather have atmo suits first#which since I am very early in my dreko farm will likely take a lil bit#which also brings up the problem of getting my metal refinery up and running so I dont have to keep using the rock crusher#Ill probably just slap one in one of my tundra biomes as a short term solution but long term Ill probably have to take a shot at a proper#industrial sauna once I get plastic
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