#but im. well. i do not control the thoughts always.
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CAN YOU SEE ME？ IM WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME ..
──── 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒 𝖼𝖺𝗇’𝗍 𝗆𝖺𝗄𝖾 𝖺 𝗆𝗈𝗏𝖾, 𝗇𝗈 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝖾𝗅𝗌𝖾 𝖼𝖺𝗇.
𝐁𝐀𝐆𝐒 ㅤㅤ𓈒 bsf!enhypen x fem!rea 7OO non-idol au fluff potential future relationship yearning ૮(^﹏^ ! skinship jealousy 【 MUSÉE 】
じや wrote this in a rush ! enjoy 🎀
rbs ✶ comments please + daily
𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆 ｡ ｡ watches you from a distance. with his eyes wide as a deer caught in the headlights, he doesn’t say anything or does anything about it— he just watches. he can’t help but observe your movements, the way you laugh or how you tuck your hair behind your ear while you talk to the other man. he studies you, sadness in his eyes, trying to find out if you are interested in someone other than him or not. “what?” you ask him when you see the grimace on his face. instead of answering, he questions you too, “do you like him?” relief washes over him in a wave when you shake your head, “i thought we were just talking but he wanted more,” then you add, “i’d rather spend time with you”.
⠀ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ﹙ᵕ ᵕ⠀look under the cut ! ♡
𝐉𝐀𝐘 ｡ ｡ is always near you. in any circumstances, in any sort of place. if you are near, he is too— almost as if he was your bodyguard or, you as you prefer to say, guardian angel. any person that approaches you, approaches him too and needs to get approved by him to even talk to you. therefore, there is no need to explain that when a guy tries to talk to you, they get hit by a presence impossible to ignore right behind you. the menacing glares can make anyone pale and stumble over their words in front of you. and the funniest part, is that you are well aware of that but decide to act clueless— always shooting a fake confused look at him before smiling sweetly when yet another man runs away from you.
𝐉𝐀𝐊𝐄 ｡ ｡ as your known best friend, many people come to him when they wonder if you are single and try to find a way to ask you out. unfortunately for them, he is not only your best friend but also desperately and irrevocably in love with you. so, in lieu of giving proper answers and advice, he assures them that you are already taken, by no one else but him. and to be completely honest, it works quite well. he even likes to, just for the sake of the silly little lie— of course, be really clingy in front of others. you don’t mind, he has always been like that, and it makes him happy to touch you for a second and be your lover. even if it’s through everyone’s eyes but yours.
𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐍 ｡ ｡ he has a special radar for whoever has romantic interests towards you. i mean, he would know how having a crush ok you feels like. since he has been in love with you since primary school. so, where are both around someone who seems to like a you a little bit too much, he starts his extra-clingy and affectionate best friend act. draping his arm on your shoulders, talking to you nonstop and asking for your attention as soon as your eyes go on anywhere else but him. “are you drunk?” you laugh all of the time, not even annoyed in the slightest. he is drunk, drunk in love.
𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐎𝐎 ｡ ｡ he is unable to control his face when a guy comes to talk to you. he stares at him with a disgusted and utterly offended expression on the surface of his face. as soon as romance is being involved, he tugs you close without thinking— the petname ‘sweetheart’ even slip out. you don’t seem to mind, you only excuse yourself to your other interlocutor before focusing fully on your best friend. when you don’t look, he shoots to the flabbergasted man a very proud grin. he loves to be your favorite.
𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐖𝐎𝐍 ｡ ｡ he is flabbergasted, took over by immense disbelief and utter shock. he just watched the cashier shamelessly flirt with you— right in front of hom, without decorum. yes, he is not your boyfriend, but come on! he believes that the cashier should have been a little bit ashamed at least. “please,” he pleads as soon as you get out of the shop. “don’t tell me you are going to go out with that guy.” you immediately smile, a teasing question already tingling your tongue, “why? are you jealous?” his heart drops, his face reddens and he starts walking as you chuckle.
𝐑𝐈𝐊𝐈 ｡ ｡ uses all his strength to try to not be jealous— alas, he fails as soon as he even thinks about you and that ‘nobody’ together. he looks at you with sad eyes and a frown, as if he was a kicked puppy, whereupon you tell him you got asked on a date by the stranger. “wouldn’t you rather spend time with me?” he asks you, and you giggle. “what? this guy will be boring in two weeks but, i will be fun forever.” this idiot isn’t even able to contain his happiness when you tell him that he is right, that you will stay with him tonight. he is so happy that he hugs you, tight.
𓈒ㅤㅤ𓈒 taglist open & network : @sgz-net
#⠀𝑓 ⟡⠀命运’𝑠 ⠀#⠀ ˊᯅˋ★net.com#enhypen#enhypen x reader#enhypen fluff#enhypen imagines#enhypen drabbles#enhypen reactions#enhypen scenarios#enhypen soft hours#enhypen soft thoughts#enhypen fanfiction#enha x reader#enha fluff#enha drabbles#enha imagines#enha scenarios#enha reactions#enha soft hours#enha soft thoughts#heeseung x reader#jay x reader#jongseong x reader#jake x reader#jaeyun x reader#sunghoon x reader#sunoo x reader#jungwon x reader#ni ki x reader#riki x reader
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when you disappear for a while but not like really disappear but kind of so you’ve missed stuff and you wanna be there to support your friends but you’re not really mentally there and you miss talking to people but you don’t feel like you’re deserving to their attention after you’ve dropped off because you’re just gonna make things about you. floats away
#i know i am irrational ! i know#but im. well. i do not control the thoughts always.#i can give myself every gentleness in the world but gentle hands don’t form clay…. gotta be a little hard on myself to better myself#ah well#such is the way of it#smoke detector#OKAY POST CANCELLED ONE OF MY FRIENDS PINGED ME IN DISCORD EVERYTHINGS FINE#IM HAPPY AGAIN!!!
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Btw just want to be clear that Time and Time Again is set to, and will if I don't pause, conclude in May 2025!
Webtoon didn't want to renew or give me any extra episodes so I'm trying to work with what I have. I'm sorry it's ending sooner than I'd like, it's been difficult to come to terms with and challenging to condense my plans.
You deserve a solid conclusion, and I've spent months writing to try and reach that. If there's anything you'd really like to see before it ends, do let me know in case I can (and want to) fit it in.
I'd rather not work with them again, and I hope I won't have to! But coming off of years being overworked and underpaid does not make that easy, to say the least...
I'm doing my best, and I hope you like what I have coming up.
#years of being overworked. underpaid. and literally manipulated and gaslit lmfao#it does not feel good to beg to be treated equally. and then told to be satisfied with less than that#it has been repeatedly demoralizing and insulting#and im not doing it again#i would rather nanny again (most exhausting job ive ever had) than work with them again#but. i would rather not!#I'd rather continue to make comics#but to do it full time i would need like 500 patrons on the $5 tier minimum...#which is SO MANY PEOPLE and incomprehensible to me#ive already proven to myself i can live on 25k a year but obviously its tight (i live in socal)#this. is not what this post is about#it's so hard for me not to complain about them#i feel bad for my current patrons i only share stuff on discord as of right now#well i do the merch packages but like#it's mostly just my discord#just dont have the time or energy to manage my patreon#cause idk if yall know but patreons site is TERRIBLE from the creator side???#it takes like 5 minutes to upload a single post it's ridiculous#so i cant manage it rn. I've thought about hiring someone to help me with it but i cant afford any help#anyways ultimately this is informing people its gonna end#and is turning into a vent around all of the stress surrounding that#like i literally had to take a couple months to just be sad its gonna end and come to terms with that#its hard! it's hard feeling so tossed aside and having your stories controlled even in part by someone else#anyways yeah#i havent finished writing the last arc yet#so theres space for me to fit stuff if theres something people really want#so id like to get in what i could if i can!#text post#sorry i always turn any thoughts about comics into vents about webtoon#theyre so ass man..... it's fine. im gone in may...
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so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently
#ive been running on “two cakes. u aren't BOTHERING people by putting art on their feed they can scroll past it/if they dont they get ”cake“”#and we love “cake”#“cake” is picture on the internet in this case#like okay the contracts and transaction format is a me problem!! i need to get rid of the “utilitarian brain worms” bc they're boring#this is supposed to be a hobby and the “get a good grade in hobby” wolf in the brain is just crying bc that's how they understand the world#the “get a good grade in x” wolf has valid pain but needs to stop controlling my life because they don't need to earn “enough value to live”#ect ect ect#and the life of minmaxxed utility is a life of trying to appeal to a “correct” that doesn't exist yaddi yadda = boring#i love you wolf. also shut up. affectionate. concerned. you get it#ok so we remove tangible purpose from act of experience art because THAT'S not “the point”#because “the point” is the joy killer eccetera ecc#but then what? “here check out this labor of love. i drew this fucker 15 times. no there's no story* there it's just a guy”#*story in this case being an emotional engagement/a situation/a context in which to ponder/other#so it's just a Draw. no further analysis. what do others Get from that?#i know i deeply enjoy art because im a fan of the process of People Making Stuff. i love when there was nothing but now there's something!!!#THAT'S what's it all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!! right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so it stands to reason that creation is purpose enough?? to be experienced???? to be known????????#idk!!#this is a nothing burger of a thought people have always liked picture on the internet stfu maiora there doesn't need to be a reason#this is just the brainworms talking!!! because god forbid “something not have a purpose”??? blegh!!!!!!!!#sounds like unhealthy rationalizing instead of letting things be out of The Fear™!!sounds like depraving urself from joy bc of BRAINWORMS!!!#so like!!!!! picture on the internet doesn't NEED inherent value. creation is enough!! (plus there's the Attachment to Character. also.)#but then why are YOU *points at you* here? gen q!!#i made an image you like and now you are reading my word babble in some tags!!! what's THAT all about???????????#it's INTERESTING!! do you see what im trying to get at??#is it empathy??? person made something other saw something other made- other2other connection???? intrigue????????#.......all this is probably explained in some book or yt essay somewhere. oh well.#in the meantime thank you for your time! we can pretend we were stuck in an elevator together and then i started rambling#i hope you have a great rest of your day thanks for stopping by!! <3#maiora garrulates
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🗡 mad cowboy disease....
#‡ ooc#high noon tbt.#thinking of Them while walking to the shops... on my own little quest...#there may be typos but ignore them#listened through mars hn yone playlist i loved watching the 2 hr movie in my head#listening through my hn playlost now maybe ill make tals a spotofy thing too for easier listening....#got so many little scenes in my head#talon munching any lil bug/lizard critter they catch. whether they actually Need to eat is unspecified#but you know. probably. anyway thinking evilly at how i can describe their meals as either tantalising or DISGusting#talon being afraid of ending up an almalgam of feathers and sludge but ove talked abt that before#need to write more talon monologues or story times#reminiscing now. will add more later#talon trying their best to get through a Normal Human interaction on a bar or smth tryong to hide what they are and keep their hat low but-#and theres always a but- someone either catches a glimpse of theor face n compliments them or gets in theor way like 'hey-' or they catch#a glance at feathers or brimstone....#talon getting chased to be put in one of those carnie 'strange encounters' shows... they either do get caught or...#get rid of their would-be captors#time for more thoughts. i need to design talons demonic form and maybe even what their gradual corruption looked like 🤔#i also need to decide on a few factors abt how im treating their cape as tendrils instead... like if they naturally had 5 or lost one...#and how much control over individual segments they have#thinkin abt talon getting in trouble but not like. threat of death danger maybe a malevolent third party who wants them for something else#be it their blood or feathers or smth like that. maybe even after REDACTED and they get a bounty set by the sulfur king for REDACTED reason#to be brought back alive and hunters go after em......#oh. who can a demon slash half angel turn to in these trying times... 🥺😔 not that they want to rely on anyone#talon would rather die than rely on another creature for help. im kidding. :] or am i#thinking abt the thing i said to mars like. after their travels together talon tries to keep their distance from rell and yone but.#fate or something worse keeps bringing them back together. i said it better beforehand but anyway.#if its during this time of being hunted and they cross ways i can imagine talon not staying long at all or just turning 180 at the sight#part the fear the other two will join this hunt as well. the other part is that theyll be in danger if talon asks for help...#nor do they want to owe a debt to these two ough 😒
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I always thought it was so odd that in Steven Universe they have a whole episode where Steven like projected himself into Lars' body and then him being able to do that was never mentioned again
#ok well thats not ENTIRELY true bc he did project himself into the watermelon Stevens but im pretty sure that was explained as them just#having a connection bc he magic spitted them to life and not because hes just able to astral project himself into other peoples' bodies#also thats just like a ridiculously overpowered ability to have. none of the other gems can do that its just Steven#except white diamond but i dont think that's the same#because she can control herself and other people at the same time#but they have to do everything shes doing and she cant really make them act individually#and Steven can only control one person and he has to fully leave his body#but his body isnt doing the same thing as him#anyways but why wasnt he able to use it to possess humans again? like maybe it was against his morals but like#wouldnt it have been so much easier to just possess someone in Beach City to tell his dad and the gems what was going on instead of#going through the stress of possessing a million watermelon Stevens?#if he cant control possessing people thats fine but i still think they should have mentioned it again#sorry for SU posting i just thought about it for the first time in a while and i remembered that that had always confused me
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Okay, so a couple of summers back both my PS4 controllers started getting the ever annoying stick drift (my silver on the left stick and blue on the right hilariously enough). And while I got a new controller in to replace it as a bday present, I never actually tossed either of them. Mostly because they were still usable as back ups in certain games. Like my blue was awful in any game that used camera controls, but in a game or platformer like crash it worked just fine, while the other was fine in any 3d game but in a 2d style then movement was almost impossible (like I still remember jumping over a gap only to lose my jump momentum half way through and falling to my death).
But that brings me to today. In my travels of trying to fix my PS2 controller hilariously enough, I found out that you can actually buy replacement joystick pieces and just replace them yourselves. Assuming you have a soldering gun and equipment of course.
So I got a couple of those parts and ordered a little soldering kit online, and I'm all ready to try and see i can't get my controllers working back at 100% again.
Wish me luck!
#im so excited you have no idea#in a high school computer class we had a small unit on soldering and i got to build a motherboard#and while its admittedly been like almost 15 years since then i loved that section so much#ive been wanting to do some raspberry pi stuff for a while#thought it would be fun#so this is just a great excuse to get soldering stuff and giving it a go!#if it doesnt work than im not too worried cause i have a fully usable controller anyways and i havent touched these ones in months#but if it does than instead of spending like $70 on a new controller it only cost me $16 to buy the two parts that i needed#later this afternoon my lens replacement for my ps2 should be arriving as well#though that will be a much easier install#just gotta desolder a piece on the new part than screw it in place lol#god i love fixing stuff like this on my own though#always makes me feel smart when all it takes to fix somethig is just taking it apart and cleaning a piece
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here to tell you that im a yukari liker if there are 1000 yukari fans i am one of them if there are no yukari fans i do not exist idc she did all that shes still my silly my girlfailure
#i like that shes still a bitch to satoko after 13 🫶🫶🫶#in that tsundere way of oh let me do it cos im better than u u look like shit#i think she is so interesting.#like that interaction w asagiri just solidified my affection for her#because her relationship w asagiri is sooooooo ough#like her face when asagiri gives her the comb and she doesnt really believe it#she has this hesitance to accept that gift of affection right (i saw this comb and i thought of you)#and shes proven right because asagiri uses that to take advantage of her#hey have this comb now bring everything to my room#like yukari being. hesitant to accept affection from her sister is so so so telling i think#ok going into hc territory but i think thats why shinpei affects her this much#because she truly thought it was real and it was her only relationship w/o strings attached in a way#that he did everything she wanted and he said everything she said and wanted it said in return#and thats why when shinpei stops having sex w her shes like shit well was she being taken advantage of again was it fake like her sister#when she sees him talk to satoko and realises she never saw him that way#and he doesnt ask her to help w his wounds#and she doesnt want to acknowledge that it was one sided all along#that if satoko leaves then she can still pretend their relationship is real#anyway i think yukari and shinpei r similar in a way#and shinpei isnt lying when he says hes grateful to yukari#anyway i hope to see more of yukari!!!!!!!! i want more friendship w her and satoko!!!#i want yukari and shinpei to still be friends!!!!!!! In some way!!!#i dont want yukari to get another love interest because that person should be me (JOKE(#like yk her rs w her sister probs affects how she treats other ppl too#the need to be in control to be better than others always number 2#anyway. love yukari.#claude txt
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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Ya know, when I heard Vincent was getting his FR finally, I certainly wasn't expecting his partner to be Prompto, and yet. It makes sense.
#anyway as cool as it is to finally get it. i couldnt give a shit now that i know part 2 of the new chapter IS ALL ABOUT KADAJ!!!#MY BOY IS FINALLY GETTING FOCUS AGAIN AND IT LOOKS LIKE HES GETTING REAL GENUINE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT#ITS WHAT HE DESERVES!!!! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO THE VILLAIN OF AC BUT SEPH STOLE THAT FROM HIM#AND OO HAS ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HES NOT A BAD KID SO HES NEVER REALLY EXACTLY BEEN A VILLAIN#HES JUST DOING ALL HE KNOWS HOW TO DO. HES A PART OF BIGGER PIECE AND DOESNT EVEN HAVE FULL CONTROL OVER HIS#ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS!!!! HE DESERVES TO BE HIS OWN PERSON SEPARATE FROM SEPH AND JENOVA#HES GETTING CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT LETS FUCKING GOOOOO!!!!#ITS A GOOD DAY TO BE A KADAJ STAN!!!#i really hope this means hes getting his FR next as well. and maybe. maybe. mmmmm perchance mayhaps... a BT 👀?#pretty please team ninja? im begging on my hands and knees here. youve given me weiss. vincent FR. kadaj development.#may i ask for one tiny piece more with a kadaj BT as well?#for the love of god please. i would cry. i already know part 2 will make me cry anyway when it comes to global lol#i just love that babey boy SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭😭😭 what a tragic character#personal
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i WILL have waist length hair by next year . no matter what
#im still angry she made me cut it in april#a trim would have been fine but she made the hairstylist cut so much#like I said 4 inches to her and then she was done but now she had to come and tell the poor lady to cut more#actually think the hairstylist was on my side bc it really did not look like she cut that much#it makes me so ANGRY like why does she feel entitled to control every part of my appearance#I literally don't even feel like a person anymore#saw this tiktok of a brown girl cutting her hair to her chin bc she was never allowed to cut it bc long hair is considered a sign of beauty#and like. that's kind of messed me up ngl. bc while I feel bad. at least her mother wanted her to be beautiful...#I can't even explain it but#I can't wear nice clothes (the last time I was allowed to buy clothes was 3 fucking years ago) I always have to wear my cousins old ones#even for sixth form I really thought id be allowed to buy some new shirts or trousers or anything but guess what. nothing#there is nothing in my school wardrobe that hasnt been worn by 3 people before#and like I can't style my hair differently than what I always do and im even judged for new outfit combinations#she never gets me hair stuff even though I have the least manageable hair in the fucking universe#and the only makeup im allowed to wear is what she gets me (tinted moisturiser that is actually awful)#and then I look at my cousin and I have honestly never felt worse#bc she literally goes out w a face full of makeup and she can get highlights in her hair and wear whatever she wants#its crazy. and I can never say anything about it#its so fucking embarrassing as well#I just have to act like I don't care abt these things#when we go to Azerbaijan for my cousins engagement im the only girl in the family who isn't wearing a dress#bc she just had to insist that 'oh Alisha doesn't REALLY want a dress' and I just looked at her like. what.#so now im wearing the ugliest trousers and weird smock type shirt imaginable god I feel sick thinking about it.#lmao I can't stop crying abt this literally the stupidest thing in the world to cry about#my ammi would never do this to me
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you are a sweetheart and you see good in almost all pairings i guess, but your soft spot is by whom? Sorry I can't contain my curiosity
asking me this after i giffed that oscar/alex interview... making me toe a line, nonsie!
that being said, you can pry lestappen from my cold dead hands. and even then good luck.
#thoughts in the tags bc i have the self control of a bunny on zoomies#its stockholm syndrome#i could be perfectly happy w/o the agenda but so many brainworms lost to the cause....#its like#im not letting them Die in Vain !#anon my beloved#xiao: asks#asks: mv1.cl16#and you're spot on i do love so many pairings!!!#compelled by fucking george/lance after reading one absolutely beautiful fic and i think abt that piece of writing Every Day#and you're so polite dear 💛#but yeah lately i just haven’t been Feeling the whole Lestappen sm outside of wifey dms#like austria put me on a High fo shaw!!#but i am Sooo easily turned off of them or diverted by like the Smallest fucking thing from any other pairing/three-way#consequence of the churning industry plant maybe ?? 🤷#but yeah Ig they will always be my first f1 rpf love 💞— WAIT NO LMAOOOO THATS CARLANDO LOLLLLLOLOLL#well my first f1 rpf love in ALLL it’s forms writing giffing eating shoes editing etc etc hehe#and i do sometimes often like other pairings more but . i see one (1) photo of them together and im 📉📉📉#down Bad#think i just convinced myself off lestappen just by waffling in the tags LMAOOOOOOOO#nawr Jk show me One gifset of them and im lost Again hehe#anyway if anyones into mctwinks or 3344 then hmu bc i will throw up w/ u . on u. by u . and they could Deffo rival lestappen in my heart#oh or apparently oscar/alex now too 😁👍
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#okay but like. am i bi or.....#because like. when im with a woman it feels like i cant get enough air into my lungs#it feels like im going mad#it feels like im going to lose my mind#it feels like my desire is just pouring out of me and i can barely grasp on to it long enough to follow#and its ALWAYS good#its like. wow. this has left me breathless and floaty and i dont know where to go from here#i get nervous with women. when im flirted with i get blushy and feel like im on the back foot. i feel lost and like shes the light#but with a man....#i dunno its like im checking off steps on a to do list#its like. we may as well be doing this#i dont feel like im losing myself in him. i feel like im there and hes losing himself in me#and its so nice to be wanted like that. its so nice to be craved and desired#but i think i desire the feeling of being wanted more than i actually desire him#its like. im there. but im present in a way im just not with a woman.#i feel like I could stop at any second and be fine#whereas with a woman i feel like i'll die if i stop. i feel like i cant get enough.#and like. with a man. its fine. like its just fine.#i can flirt and be flirted with and im never on the back foot. i feel like im in control the whole time and im calling the shots#i feel like hes the one thats being pulled under#and im just. there.#and its fine. like its not bad. but its just fine.#i dont want it to stop. but its just fine.#and like. maybe im not into him#but like. any random woman it feels transcendant#so am i bi because technically physiologically i can perform#but like. psychologically im just not there#i used to think romance novels were fake bc i thought it was too exaggerated. until i kissed a woman#and then i felt like there weren't words enough to describe how it even felt#but with this it feels like all those words are just... exaggerations. hyperbole. dishonest.
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Some Brute doodles plus a bonus Button
#keese draws#eternal gales#Ive been thinking abt them a lot lately#theyre my other quote unquote time looper#and those quotes are pretty damn big because its entirely within their own control brute just has time rewinding abilities basically#but they sort of did a self inflicted timeloop to try to save one of their friends (softie)#it was. a rough time.#and spoilers but it didnt end well softie in the current version of reality died as a child#the past timeline stuff is mostly nonexistent within eg proper but sprinkles and tali both get to remember some stuff so good for them#<- bad for them. they do not have a good time#butter (aka current brute) would have remembered if it wasnt for the hastag brain damage#I have a LOT of thoughts and feeling on past timeline stuff but thats either stuff Ive already talked abt or stuff Im too tired to explain#well I've already explained everything in this post before but shhhh I like to imagine newcomers will actually read this#but yeah brute is my beloved they absolutely suck ass at being a timelooper they have no imagination and little patience#two of their group spent the entire period of the loops repeatedly murdering eachother and brute Never found out#all because they were too honed in on like 3 staliens to even consider how weird it was that one or both of them would Always go missing#just sprinkles showing up bleeding out like yeah. looser went to a farm where he can run around and be happy. dont worry abt it.#brute isnt stupid but they are impatient and bad at emotional stuff which makes keeping track of everyones issues hard as hell#theres so much fucking drama going on in this gaggle of teens getting them to not murder eachother is a challenge that even the more#emotionally intelligent characters arouns wouldnt be able to solve without a great deal of struggle#so brute spends a huge deal of it all feeling incredibly lost and frustrated and this leads to them making some rash decisions that make#things get much worse for both them and those around them#their arc with how they view themself over the loops is one of my favorite things abt them#finding yourself only to kill yourself all over again for the sake of those around you and all that jazz#fun fact! butters name comes from back when they were brute!#they had been internally calling themself by that for so long that by the time the brain damage left that was the name that stuck with them#brute just never got to actually use the name fully in their version of reality for a wide variety of reasons#mostly the time loop but also because most of the others wouldnt take it seriously even when they tried#this was mostly because butter is well. a fully english word that doesnt have any stalien equivalent#brute just made some bullshit up to act as their language version of it
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yap sesh in the tags ! <3 nothing new im just frustrated abt my disordered sleep schedule as always . woke up at 5 pm and i will probably be failing my All Dayer and going to sleep shortly At 8 am and then sleeping for 1 billion years
#text#it feels like shit all the time bc it affects Everything Else#i dont get to interact with Real People very much . i dont get any sunlight . i feel weak and sick and gross all the time#i often barely eat at all the whole time im awake bc i just dont get hungry#n i cant rlly get up during the night anyways cause i risk gettin in trouble or waking up the dogs n getting them all riled up#more often than not i will eat. just toast or cereal cause i miss dinner and then thats it all the time im awake#oh also i can barely keep track of time anymore ! i noticed this months ago but like#i only know sundays bc i hear my mom wake uo n get ready for church right before i usually go to sleep n thats abt it now lol#it doesnt rlly matter anyways i guess cause theres not Day theres just Time Im Awake For#sometimes very small . sometimes a lot longer than one day#a friend also pointed out that my suicidal thoughts seem to get worse whenever my sleep gets really bad (like once or twice a month lmao)#n those r probably related bc of everything else being worse as well#i feel like im just watching it all happen n i dont have much control over my own body or mind#i always wake up in pain or with a migraine n sometimes i have seizures in my sleep#i just spend 75% of my time lately sitting or laying down in bed doing nothing cause i cant sleep n it sucks#my mom thinks its funny how hyped i get whenever im allowed to Go Anywhere but like thats the only time im Awake For Real . alive 😭#not like we go anywhere fun but like .walmart idk. when i can go is able to pull me out of the wretched hell that is Sitting In Bed Forever#n its been like this for well over a year lol#i ride da walmart high for about 12 or so hours after n then it just goes right back to schmiserable schmiserable sitting in bed forever#my entire world has shrunk to sitting in bed forever#posting now heart emoji . hwello if anyone read this all
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woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
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