#but im. well. i do not control the thoughts always.
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Chapter 5 ~ Having Some (Not So) Big Fun!
TW: SA - skimmed over because im not writing that in detail
They pull into the driveway of the house, the music able to be heard from the outside due to swung open doors and windows. Heather's stomach twists and tightens, her heart has began running a marathon and beats against her ribcage. She can feel herself starting to sweat and she hesitates to open the car door. Unfortunately Veronica isn't that oblivious and notices Heathers stress.
"Hey, you okay?" Veronica rest her hand gently on top of Heathers, causing the girls face to heat up.
"I'm fine, shut up" She pushes Veronica's hand away, she's horrid when it comes to handling comfort so she forces herself to get out of the car and start walking inside with Veronica trailing behind her.
The music is loud, echoing through your whole body. The room is thick and hot, the tremendous amount of sweaty, drunk teens filling the halls and main rooms. Chandler's stomach continues to squeeze to the point she feels sick and lightheaded, it felt like having a bucket of ice water dunked on her head. Veronica was close on the same line, being her first party she was pretty nervous.
As they walked to where people dropped their coats, the worst people arrived in front of them, the dreaded David and Brad. Chandler couldn't even focus on what they said, thoughts swirling in her head and her organs being squeezed to the max (well what she hoped was the max, the squeezing was extreme). She finally snapped back and tried responding without stuttering.
"Let's party.." She quickly spoke before they noticed she hadn't been paying attention, not wanting to anger David.
As the party goes on, Kurt and Ram rear their stupid drunk little heads and try to dance with them. Chandler is obviously uncomfortable and Veronica notices, feeling extremely jealous that Kurt is dancing with her, btu also how she doesn't even want to dance with him. She wants to step in but Ram has a tight grip on her.
After Kurt and Ram finally fuck off, Veronica can't see Heather at all, seeming to have just vanished. She looks around everywhere, running into McNamara and Duke. They are no help and she can't find the blonde anywhere. Eventually giving up, she sits on the couch, holding her Heather's coat on her lap to make her feel better, sipping away at her drink.
"Come on, David- Sh-Shouldn't we get back to the party?" She attempts to push him, feeling extremely uncomfortable with him so close and in her space, especially when he's forcing his stupid dry as lips onto hers. She rather be next to Veronica...
"We will! I just can't control myself.." He spoke in that stupid, wanna-be flirty voice. She knew what he wanted, saying no would be the worst decision she could make, he always found a way to get what he wanted.
-
Heather stood in front of the bathroom mirror, taking a cup of water and spitting the water in her reflection. She was so upset with herself, feeling gross with what she did, she let that happen, she let that disgusting thing touch her. She wanted to curl under the sink and hide away forever but she knew if she took too long in the bathroom, people would be upset with her so she left the bathroom.
Veronica began messing with a match, trying to see how close she could get her hand to the flame before it hurt. Eventually she got bored of the little game she made for herself and dropped the match in her almost finished drink, to her surprise the alcohol caught on fire. In a panic, she threw the cup out the window and being drunk, she didn't think it would do anything bad.
She kept waiting for Heather, fidgeting with the black coat. Then her worst nightmare happened, Brad came over to her and got uncomfortable close. He was obviously tryna fuck, but she rather do something like that with Heathe- No I can't be thinking that-.. She rightfully so snapped at him but he didn't get the hint, continuing to try hit her up. She snatched her coat from him and walked off, going back to searching for Heather. The alcohol was beginning to fade into sickness, her stomach dropping and feeling oozy. She leaned herself up against a wall, the overpowering nausea causing her to forget that she was looking for Chandler.
Little did she know, Heather wasn't far from her and Brad was snitching of Veronica. But he was blowing it out of proportion, saying Veronica insulted him for no reason. Heather didn't want it to anger David and him blaming her for her friend being 'rude' to Brad so she approached Veronica.
"What's your damage?? Brad says you're being a real cooze"
"Heather I'm feeling really sick so can we please jam now.."
"No! Hell no!!" She snapped before Veronica couldn't hold it in and she vomited on the floor, some getting on Heathers shoes. Embarrassed, she ran out of the party, trying not to stumble from her tipsiness.
Heather followed after her and an argument began.
"You stupid fuck" She spat.
"You goddamn bitch"
"You were nothing before you met me, you were playing barbies with Betty Finn!! You were a blue bird, you were a girl scout cookie. I got you into a Remington Party!! What's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet!! I got paid in PUKE!!" Heather ranted in a drunk fit.
"Lick it up, baby! Lick. It. Up." Veronica remarked with a smirk, leaving Heather a little stunned. Heather didn't respond and just grunted and made her way to her car, Veronica following after.
"Where are you going??" She tried catching up and opening the car door but Heather had locked the doors.
"I'm going home to get cleaned" She growled.
"You're my ride! You can't leave me here!!"
She was mad but she couldn't stay mad at her, her messy hair was extremely-.. no stop thinking that! She unlocked the car and Veronica stumbled over to the passenger seat. She started the car and began driving.
Chapter 1 ~ Would you fight for me..?
In the cafeteria of Westerburg High School, Veronica sat with the Heathers, the Mythic Bitch of the three on one of her super long ass rants. After being friends with them for 2 weeks, she'd gotten used to the girl in reds pages and pages worth of rants. Veronica was eating her sandwich until a familiar hand slapped onto the table in front of her, she looked up and it was none other than Kurt Kelly with Ram Sweeney standing beside him. That stupid grin on his face IMMEDIATELY told the girl in blue of his intentions.
"Heyyyyy 'Ronica, Heather, Heather and Heather. What are you loooveelyy ladies doing this fine lunch hour?" Kurt said in a awful attempt at flirting tone.
"Eating, what does it look like!?" Heather Chandler spat, her icy steel blue eyes piercing through the jocks brown eyes, but he didn't take the hint.
"Easy there, baby. Why are you using your little harsh eyes on me?" Kurt tried at his horrible flirty tone again. "My buddy Kurt just asked you a question, babe." Ram touched Heather's hair and she completely flipped.
Veronica didn't see it all too well, but quickly realized what happened as she heard Ram yelp and fall to the floor, a mix of red and slight purple quickly washing over his cheek.
"Holy shit!" Heather Duke and Heather McNamara blurted out.
-
Why when you see others fight, Does it look so horrible yet feel so right? I shouldn't watch this crap, that's not who I am. But with this Heather Chandler... Dayumn.. ........ But everyone sees her that way, right?
Hey, miss Demon Queen, so what is this feeling? But would you fight for me And hey, could you face the crowd Could you be seen with me and still act proud.. ..... Hey, could you hold my hand .....In a platonic way.. Well, whoa, you can punch real good You're a lot stronger than I thought you were.. "Holy shit"
#heather chandler#veronica sawyer#chansaw#heathers#heathers 1989#heathers the musical#david heathers#brad heathers#trigger warning
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when you disappear for a while but not like really disappear but kind of so you’ve missed stuff and you wanna be there to support your friends but you’re not really mentally there and you miss talking to people but you don’t feel like you’re deserving to their attention after you’ve dropped off because you’re just gonna make things about you. floats away
#i know i am irrational ! i know#but im. well. i do not control the thoughts always.#i can give myself every gentleness in the world but gentle hands don’t form clay…. gotta be a little hard on myself to better myself#ah well#such is the way of it#smoke detector#OKAY POST CANCELLED ONE OF MY FRIENDS PINGED ME IN DISCORD EVERYTHINGS FINE#IM HAPPY AGAIN!!!
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so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently
#ive been running on “two cakes. u aren't BOTHERING people by putting art on their feed they can scroll past it/if they dont they get ”cake“”#and we love “cake”#“cake” is picture on the internet in this case#like okay the contracts and transaction format is a me problem!! i need to get rid of the “utilitarian brain worms” bc they're boring#this is supposed to be a hobby and the “get a good grade in hobby” wolf in the brain is just crying bc that's how they understand the world#the “get a good grade in x” wolf has valid pain but needs to stop controlling my life because they don't need to earn “enough value to live”#ect ect ect#and the life of minmaxxed utility is a life of trying to appeal to a “correct” that doesn't exist yaddi yadda = boring#i love you wolf. also shut up. affectionate. concerned. you get it#ok so we remove tangible purpose from act of experience art because THAT'S not “the point”#because “the point” is the joy killer eccetera ecc#but then what? “here check out this labor of love. i drew this fucker 15 times. no there's no story* there it's just a guy”#*story in this case being an emotional engagement/a situation/a context in which to ponder/other#so it's just a Draw. no further analysis. what do others Get from that?#i know i deeply enjoy art because im a fan of the process of People Making Stuff. i love when there was nothing but now there's something!!!#THAT'S what's it all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!! right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so it stands to reason that creation is purpose enough?? to be experienced???? to be known????????#idk!!#this is a nothing burger of a thought people have always liked picture on the internet stfu maiora there doesn't need to be a reason#this is just the brainworms talking!!! because god forbid “something not have a purpose”??? blegh!!!!!!!!#sounds like unhealthy rationalizing instead of letting things be out of The Fear™!!sounds like depraving urself from joy bc of BRAINWORMS!!!#so like!!!!! picture on the internet doesn't NEED inherent value. creation is enough!! (plus there's the Attachment to Character. also.)#but then why are YOU *points at you* here? gen q!!#i made an image you like and now you are reading my word babble in some tags!!! what's THAT all about???????????#it's INTERESTING!! do you see what im trying to get at??#is it empathy??? person made something other saw something other made- other2other connection???? intrigue????????#.......all this is probably explained in some book or yt essay somewhere. oh well.#in the meantime thank you for your time! we can pretend we were stuck in an elevator together and then i started rambling#i hope you have a great rest of your day thanks for stopping by!! <3#maiora garrulates
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JUST started a good Durge playthrough and I'm dying over my absolute little guy bard Tinfoil.
#bg3#bg3 tav#baldurs gate 3#(Im a tag rambler so theres a lot here-) he's got voice six and because of that I'm opting he's incredibly INCREDIBLY young#like- probably 9? Dragonborn reach 10 year old human size at 3 for them so. yeah-#human-body wise he's about 17? but he's still got so little thoughts in his head. Which is canon as well at least#not gonna romance ANYONE as Tinfoil but we're gonna all be besties.#still deciding if he'll slurp tadpoles. he gives into peer preassure very easily and is very easily bossed around.#so it depends at the moment in the cutscene i guess.#he's the group kid. i think shadowheart would mother him a lot and he looks up to Karlach A SHITTON. 'She's so cool...'#'why is the group kid the leader?'#everyone shrugs but they see Tinfoil curl up around a small pile of gold and gems as he sleeps and they can't say no to what he wants to do#Lae'zel thinks he's 'extremely weak skinned. and needs all the help a pathetic youngling like him can get'#she says; helping said pathetic kid up off the nautaloid ship floor after he ran ahead to try and get to the controls; listening to her#like a good lil guy#'Tinfoil; darling; you know we can always get *more* gold if you give up some of these precious little rubies and opals. Your hoard#will look *much* more impressive that way.'#-Astarion; trying to convince a now-teary-eyed tinfoil to give up his hoard so the party can buy health potions#'its not...its not impressive?' he starts crying and Shadowheart has to comfort him#I KNOW he's gonna go murder mode and stuff. but everyone at camp thinks it's just dragonborn instincts kicking in#so they just like chain him to a tree for the night.#its funny i think#'NO! BAD TINFOIL! STOP TRYING TO EAT THE BIRDS!'#'Raughguguhguguh. Tinfoil *NEEDS* sauce...'#he is on a leash constantly because he is enamoured with the beauty of the world and runs off- but also to not kill and maim constantly.
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eusgahhhhh goddddd the lazy urge to just beg the internet to mansplain killer's lore to me in baby talk so i can finally GET IT and then the other less appealing urge to actually do an analysis on him so i can form my own opinion and observations. fucj
#im so tired maaaan eudgahhhhhh#i need to come up with more asks to ask people#because apparently i want to do that now. whats wrong with you brain why do you want this#im so TIRED i could EAT a WHALE!#i need to DO IT. I NEED TO ACTUALLY DO A FUCKING KILLER ANALYSIS ITS BEEN TOO LONG#thanksgiving break is coming up will that be enough for me to want to study him with my magnifying glass#this feels like sans and papyrus are the energy controlling angel and demons on my shoulders#speaking of classic undertale this has actually nothing to do with undertale LMAO#but i can just imagine myself as chara in the murder time trio fangame fight#aaaahahahahahaha horror would be so maaad <33333 i DID just destroy his entire au after all :333#and dust would be FURIOUS!!! BOTH OF THEM!!!! SO PISSED AT ME!!!!#i just took away one's place of achieving a goal and another's place of demented comfort#yeaaaah those two would be SO pissed heehehehehehe#horror never gets to have his potential happy ending because i took it away#dust never gets to honor all those he killed and put an end to what he did because of ME#the murder time trio fangame concept is SO underrated guys. touken-kamui's mtt is AMAZING#and because i look like a chara of course killer's got an entire internal conflict going on#FUCK alright sure. unsure of where this thought process will lead but we ball. me when thinking about anything killer related (i am unsure)#ANOTHER fucking chara messed up his life eruaghhhh and to make things worse they dont even seem to LIKE something new#touken-kamui's chara seems to be a megalomaniac instead of a shitty sadistic scientist#i would look so similar to the one that he doesn't know if he hates or not#should he fight alongside these 2 strangers or should he submit like he always did to his chara. to this NEW chara???#and this is all just assuming this is that 1 ending where killer kills chara and hasnt met nm yet (my favorite ending)#EFUAGH!!!! would killer stay back after the first few minutes. let dust and horror fight in steed of him as he deals w this#the two would be SO annoyed at him too. at this point if i wasn't there they'd probably kill eachother. or killer#well killer can't save or reset in the judgement hall that we got sucked into#so he actually has to put some value to his body and life if he wants to fight me#SEE WHAT I MEAN TOUKEN-KAMUI'S MURDER TIME TRIO IS AWESOME!!!!!#tricule rant#this got totally off topic from what the post was about but i should do it
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🗡 mad cowboy disease....
#‡ ooc#high noon tbt.#thinking of Them while walking to the shops... on my own little quest...#there may be typos but ignore them#listened through mars hn yone playlist i loved watching the 2 hr movie in my head#listening through my hn playlost now maybe ill make tals a spotofy thing too for easier listening....#got so many little scenes in my head#talon munching any lil bug/lizard critter they catch. whether they actually Need to eat is unspecified#but you know. probably. anyway thinking evilly at how i can describe their meals as either tantalising or DISGusting#talon being afraid of ending up an almalgam of feathers and sludge but ove talked abt that before#need to write more talon monologues or story times#reminiscing now. will add more later#talon trying their best to get through a Normal Human interaction on a bar or smth tryong to hide what they are and keep their hat low but-#and theres always a but- someone either catches a glimpse of theor face n compliments them or gets in theor way like 'hey-' or they catch#a glance at feathers or brimstone....#talon getting chased to be put in one of those carnie 'strange encounters' shows... they either do get caught or...#get rid of their would-be captors#time for more thoughts. i need to design talons demonic form and maybe even what their gradual corruption looked like 🤔#i also need to decide on a few factors abt how im treating their cape as tendrils instead... like if they naturally had 5 or lost one...#and how much control over individual segments they have#thinkin abt talon getting in trouble but not like. threat of death danger maybe a malevolent third party who wants them for something else#be it their blood or feathers or smth like that. maybe even after REDACTED and they get a bounty set by the sulfur king for REDACTED reason#to be brought back alive and hunters go after em......#oh. who can a demon slash half angel turn to in these trying times... 🥺😔 not that they want to rely on anyone#talon would rather die than rely on another creature for help. im kidding. :] or am i#thinking abt the thing i said to mars like. after their travels together talon tries to keep their distance from rell and yone but.#fate or something worse keeps bringing them back together. i said it better beforehand but anyway.#if its during this time of being hunted and they cross ways i can imagine talon not staying long at all or just turning 180 at the sight#part the fear the other two will join this hunt as well. the other part is that theyll be in danger if talon asks for help...#nor do they want to owe a debt to these two ough 😒
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I always thought it was so odd that in Steven Universe they have a whole episode where Steven like projected himself into Lars' body and then him being able to do that was never mentioned again
#ok well thats not ENTIRELY true bc he did project himself into the watermelon Stevens but im pretty sure that was explained as them just#having a connection bc he magic spitted them to life and not because hes just able to astral project himself into other peoples' bodies#also thats just like a ridiculously overpowered ability to have. none of the other gems can do that its just Steven#except white diamond but i dont think that's the same#because she can control herself and other people at the same time#but they have to do everything shes doing and she cant really make them act individually#and Steven can only control one person and he has to fully leave his body#but his body isnt doing the same thing as him#anyways but why wasnt he able to use it to possess humans again? like maybe it was against his morals but like#wouldnt it have been so much easier to just possess someone in Beach City to tell his dad and the gems what was going on instead of#going through the stress of possessing a million watermelon Stevens?#if he cant control possessing people thats fine but i still think they should have mentioned it again#sorry for SU posting i just thought about it for the first time in a while and i remembered that that had always confused me
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Okay, so a couple of summers back both my PS4 controllers started getting the ever annoying stick drift (my silver on the left stick and blue on the right hilariously enough). And while I got a new controller in to replace it as a bday present, I never actually tossed either of them. Mostly because they were still usable as back ups in certain games. Like my blue was awful in any game that used camera controls, but in a game or platformer like crash it worked just fine, while the other was fine in any 3d game but in a 2d style then movement was almost impossible (like I still remember jumping over a gap only to lose my jump momentum half way through and falling to my death).
But that brings me to today. In my travels of trying to fix my PS2 controller hilariously enough, I found out that you can actually buy replacement joystick pieces and just replace them yourselves. Assuming you have a soldering gun and equipment of course.
So I got a couple of those parts and ordered a little soldering kit online, and I'm all ready to try and see i can't get my controllers working back at 100% again.
Wish me luck!
#im so excited you have no idea#in a high school computer class we had a small unit on soldering and i got to build a motherboard#and while its admittedly been like almost 15 years since then i loved that section so much#ive been wanting to do some raspberry pi stuff for a while#thought it would be fun#so this is just a great excuse to get soldering stuff and giving it a go!#if it doesnt work than im not too worried cause i have a fully usable controller anyways and i havent touched these ones in months#but if it does than instead of spending like $70 on a new controller it only cost me $16 to buy the two parts that i needed#later this afternoon my lens replacement for my ps2 should be arriving as well#though that will be a much easier install#just gotta desolder a piece on the new part than screw it in place lol#god i love fixing stuff like this on my own though#always makes me feel smart when all it takes to fix somethig is just taking it apart and cleaning a piece
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i think about the fact that Nico’s powers randomly include temperature control way too much. he can make stuff cold! and is apparently immune to cold himself, at least to some degree! why? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯probably ghost reasons! even though it is not inherently tied to ghosts at all and he can just Do That!
#pjo#riordanverse#nico di angelo#its probably ghost reasons for the whole ''oh ghosts are cold'' and ''ghosts make enviornments color'' thing#the other theoretical reason is ''something something mythology'' cause yknow. the whole myth of how the seasons happened#but based on that alone then Nico shouldnt necessarily have that power?#itd be more of a cabin 4 thing#idk i just like his weird cold powers. theyre so random. he is immune to cold and can drop the temperature around him. good for you bud.#it's fun to mess around with too cause Nico is basically completely unaware of it#he just does it by accident like his killing grass thing#''Nico why is there frost everywhere and its below freezing all of a sudden?'' ''oh sorry i thought i saw a bug''#my favorite part though is the temperature powers thing seems to not be inherently tied to nico himself just naturally running cold#though it could probably affect that as well. nico naturally running cold is most likely his vitals run slower than most people's#cause we know he can control that re: Death Trance#which is another interesting thing. Nico can control his vitals! he can just go ''im gonna take five on MY HEART FUNCTIONING real quick brb'#Nico's bleeding out? no problem! just. turns off his heart. crank that puppy down a bit. cant bleed out if the blood's not moving!#this could also be why he passes out so much. his powers make his blood pressure inherently low and then uses them more. whoops. hes asleep.#i do v much like the hc that Nico just. cannot perceive external temperature. he's just always A Little Chilly cause of his powers#doesnt matter what the actual temperature is. he'll be fine. just also Slightly Cold thus Always Needs Layers
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here to tell you that im a yukari liker if there are 1000 yukari fans i am one of them if there are no yukari fans i do not exist idc she did all that shes still my silly my girlfailure
#i like that shes still a bitch to satoko after 13 🫶🫶🫶#in that tsundere way of oh let me do it cos im better than u u look like shit#i think she is so interesting.#like that interaction w asagiri just solidified my affection for her#because her relationship w asagiri is sooooooo ough#like her face when asagiri gives her the comb and she doesnt really believe it#she has this hesitance to accept that gift of affection right (i saw this comb and i thought of you)#and shes proven right because asagiri uses that to take advantage of her#hey have this comb now bring everything to my room#like yukari being. hesitant to accept affection from her sister is so so so telling i think#ok going into hc territory but i think thats why shinpei affects her this much#because she truly thought it was real and it was her only relationship w/o strings attached in a way#that he did everything she wanted and he said everything she said and wanted it said in return#and thats why when shinpei stops having sex w her shes like shit well was she being taken advantage of again was it fake like her sister#when she sees him talk to satoko and realises she never saw him that way#and he doesnt ask her to help w his wounds#and she doesnt want to acknowledge that it was one sided all along#that if satoko leaves then she can still pretend their relationship is real#anyway i think yukari and shinpei r similar in a way#and shinpei isnt lying when he says hes grateful to yukari#anyway i hope to see more of yukari!!!!!!!! i want more friendship w her and satoko!!!#i want yukari and shinpei to still be friends!!!!!!! In some way!!!#i dont want yukari to get another love interest because that person should be me (JOKE(#like yk her rs w her sister probs affects how she treats other ppl too#the need to be in control to be better than others always number 2#anyway. love yukari.#claude txt
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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Ya know, when I heard Vincent was getting his FR finally, I certainly wasn't expecting his partner to be Prompto, and yet. It makes sense.
#anyway as cool as it is to finally get it. i couldnt give a shit now that i know part 2 of the new chapter IS ALL ABOUT KADAJ!!!#MY BOY IS FINALLY GETTING FOCUS AGAIN AND IT LOOKS LIKE HES GETTING REAL GENUINE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT#ITS WHAT HE DESERVES!!!! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO THE VILLAIN OF AC BUT SEPH STOLE THAT FROM HIM#AND OO HAS ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HES NOT A BAD KID SO HES NEVER REALLY EXACTLY BEEN A VILLAIN#HES JUST DOING ALL HE KNOWS HOW TO DO. HES A PART OF BIGGER PIECE AND DOESNT EVEN HAVE FULL CONTROL OVER HIS#ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS!!!! HE DESERVES TO BE HIS OWN PERSON SEPARATE FROM SEPH AND JENOVA#HES GETTING CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT LETS FUCKING GOOOOO!!!!#ITS A GOOD DAY TO BE A KADAJ STAN!!!#i really hope this means hes getting his FR next as well. and maybe. maybe. mmmmm perchance mayhaps... a BT 👀?#pretty please team ninja? im begging on my hands and knees here. youve given me weiss. vincent FR. kadaj development.#may i ask for one tiny piece more with a kadaj BT as well?#for the love of god please. i would cry. i already know part 2 will make me cry anyway when it comes to global lol#i just love that babey boy SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭😭😭 what a tragic character#personal
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i WILL have waist length hair by next year . no matter what
#im still angry she made me cut it in april#a trim would have been fine but she made the hairstylist cut so much#like I said 4 inches to her and then she was done but now she had to come and tell the poor lady to cut more#actually think the hairstylist was on my side bc it really did not look like she cut that much#it makes me so ANGRY like why does she feel entitled to control every part of my appearance#I literally don't even feel like a person anymore#saw this tiktok of a brown girl cutting her hair to her chin bc she was never allowed to cut it bc long hair is considered a sign of beauty#and like. that's kind of messed me up ngl. bc while I feel bad. at least her mother wanted her to be beautiful...#I can't even explain it but#I can't wear nice clothes (the last time I was allowed to buy clothes was 3 fucking years ago) I always have to wear my cousins old ones#even for sixth form I really thought id be allowed to buy some new shirts or trousers or anything but guess what. nothing#there is nothing in my school wardrobe that hasnt been worn by 3 people before#and like I can't style my hair differently than what I always do and im even judged for new outfit combinations#she never gets me hair stuff even though I have the least manageable hair in the fucking universe#and the only makeup im allowed to wear is what she gets me (tinted moisturiser that is actually awful)#and then I look at my cousin and I have honestly never felt worse#bc she literally goes out w a face full of makeup and she can get highlights in her hair and wear whatever she wants#its crazy. and I can never say anything about it#its so fucking embarrassing as well#I just have to act like I don't care abt these things#when we go to Azerbaijan for my cousins engagement im the only girl in the family who isn't wearing a dress#bc she just had to insist that 'oh Alisha doesn't REALLY want a dress' and I just looked at her like. what.#so now im wearing the ugliest trousers and weird smock type shirt imaginable god I feel sick thinking about it.#lmao I can't stop crying abt this literally the stupidest thing in the world to cry about#my ammi would never do this to me
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you are a sweetheart and you see good in almost all pairings i guess, but your soft spot is by whom? Sorry I can't contain my curiosity
asking me this after i giffed that oscar/alex interview... making me toe a line, nonsie!
that being said, you can pry lestappen from my cold dead hands. and even then good luck.
#thoughts in the tags bc i have the self control of a bunny on zoomies#its stockholm syndrome#i could be perfectly happy w/o the agenda but so many brainworms lost to the cause....#its like#im not letting them Die in Vain !#anon my beloved#xiao: asks#asks: mv1.cl16#and you're spot on i do love so many pairings!!!#compelled by fucking george/lance after reading one absolutely beautiful fic and i think abt that piece of writing Every Day#and you're so polite dear 💛#but yeah lately i just haven’t been Feeling the whole Lestappen sm outside of wifey dms#like austria put me on a High fo shaw!!#but i am Sooo easily turned off of them or diverted by like the Smallest fucking thing from any other pairing/three-way#consequence of the churning industry plant maybe ?? 🤷#but yeah Ig they will always be my first f1 rpf love 💞— WAIT NO LMAOOOO THATS CARLANDO LOLLLLLOLOLL#well my first f1 rpf love in ALLL it’s forms writing giffing eating shoes editing etc etc hehe#and i do sometimes often like other pairings more but . i see one (1) photo of them together and im 📉📉📉#down Bad#think i just convinced myself off lestappen just by waffling in the tags LMAOOOOOOOO#nawr Jk show me One gifset of them and im lost Again hehe#anyway if anyones into mctwinks or 3344 then hmu bc i will throw up w/ u . on u. by u . and they could Deffo rival lestappen in my heart#oh or apparently oscar/alex now too 😁👍
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i dont know what it is but i cannot be hyperfixated on a show like other people can. like if i were to rlly itemize all of my hyperfixations and do a pie chart of media genre, a good 90% of them will be video games! whether i myself played the game or if i just watched a playthrough is irrelevant bc it was still a game
#ignorance cloud on#honestly the only show i ever hyperfixated on was su. i was on the mcelroy kick for a while but thats podcasts#i have my longstanding love for the rankin/bass stopmotion holiday films#but other than that! the rest are games#undertale deltarune smile for me everhood bug fables project sekai#not to mention the games i love but i never like posted about that much like stardew valley and vampire hunters#NOPE thats vampire survivors actually. and while looking at my homepage to check i also saw plants vs zombies which YEAH i was obsessed w#for like a good month or two!!!! my friends can testify#i think i just like. having a part in the media#like w podcasts what i loved is that i controlled how the scenes played out in my head#i was actively imagining how it would be 'shot' and what everything looked like. it wasnt passive listening#and obvs w games like. u Play them. or if u watch a playthrough u see other people play them!#and u always have that thought of how u wouldve played it different#but w movies or tv shows there isnt a lot of activity on the side of the viewer. ur just. watching it happen#and i guess thats why its so disinteresting to me now? bc i cant do anything#i just have to sit there and watch and if my focuses diverges for even a SECOND then ill miss something#and by that point id be so annoyed w having to constantly rewind that id abandon the show altogether#which is why i prefer movies to shows if im to watch Anything bc shows are contained media#(well. the ones i watch are.)#u dont have to dedicate 30 hours to getting the whole story. everything is there within a like 60-90 minute format#so i can dedicate that amount of time to actually focusing!#idk. just some food for thought#*movies. i meant movies in that one tag but im not going back to edit it. context clues ull figure it out
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#okay but like. am i bi or.....#because like. when im with a woman it feels like i cant get enough air into my lungs#it feels like im going mad#it feels like im going to lose my mind#it feels like my desire is just pouring out of me and i can barely grasp on to it long enough to follow#and its ALWAYS good#its like. wow. this has left me breathless and floaty and i dont know where to go from here#i get nervous with women. when im flirted with i get blushy and feel like im on the back foot. i feel lost and like shes the light#but with a man....#i dunno its like im checking off steps on a to do list#its like. we may as well be doing this#i dont feel like im losing myself in him. i feel like im there and hes losing himself in me#and its so nice to be wanted like that. its so nice to be craved and desired#but i think i desire the feeling of being wanted more than i actually desire him#its like. im there. but im present in a way im just not with a woman.#i feel like I could stop at any second and be fine#whereas with a woman i feel like i'll die if i stop. i feel like i cant get enough.#and like. with a man. its fine. like its just fine.#i can flirt and be flirted with and im never on the back foot. i feel like im in control the whole time and im calling the shots#i feel like hes the one thats being pulled under#and im just. there.#and its fine. like its not bad. but its just fine.#i dont want it to stop. but its just fine.#and like. maybe im not into him#but like. any random woman it feels transcendant#so am i bi because technically physiologically i can perform#but like. psychologically im just not there#i used to think romance novels were fake bc i thought it was too exaggerated. until i kissed a woman#and then i felt like there weren't words enough to describe how it even felt#but with this it feels like all those words are just... exaggerations. hyperbole. dishonest.
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