#but i think i desire the feeling of being wanted more than i actually desire him
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People with this mentality towards him do not understand the dynamics which he falls under. He is codependent, very actively so; he is more than happy to have pain inflicted on him for her happiness and wait on her hand and foot. He wants to reward her for existing despite how much suffering it causes him. What happened in HEA was not deliberately malicious; was it wrong? Absolutely. But it was, in his eyes, an act of love to die and suffer for her and weave a “better” world.
What he struggles with is actually being able to listen to those who do not return his feelings, because he takes it as a character flaw unto himself. That it’s because HE isn’t worthy of her. So opposed to listening, he tries to convince her and himself that he is worthy of whatever she desires. HEA is the one place where he couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t be happy; I’m his eyes, she was in a gorgeous palace being treated like a queen. What else could she possibly want? I don’t think he was lashing out at her as much as distressed that he could not make her happy. And that she was afraid of losing him or having him inflict worse onto himself in the end.
The route and his character actively strips away the romanticism of “unconditional love” in the form of self sacrifice. This is a really important message to those who’ve gone through it or been convinced that hurting is the only way to show you love someone. It is a VERY important message - that not all knights in shining armor can help no matter how much they want to. He is just as much a victim as the Princess in many routes, even if his ways of enacting it are far too forward and concerning. The “I would die for you” trope is NOT healthy to be taught.
It saddens me that people dismiss this, because it’s very much a message that the game does beautifully. You have to listen, not assume that you have to hurt yourself and bleed out.
I keep on hearing people go all "The voice of the Smitten is such a creep. All he wants in the princess is someone to control and keep as a pretty object. He'd drop the princess if she wasn't the perfect petite maiden like in the damsel route." and I will not stand for the Smitten slander.
Like- He's been in love with her as a burning corpse ghost lady:
A terrifying ghost woman who wants to bring fear and chaos to the world:
And even a murderous blade monster woman who would kill you and enjoy every second of it:
Like, he ALWAYS loves the princess no matter what she looks like or how she acts, he loves her for being herself no matter what or who she is. That's the point of his character and I'm tired of people slandering my boy.
#slay the princess#stp#stp spoilers#i have many feelings on this one#same as I do with Wild#please understand the implications before you prattle on about it
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Psst, hear me out: The Beast being fucking yanderes with the ancients.
You Get It™️ I mean... Did you guys see episode 6? Burning Simp Cookie is already a yandere lol. He's been there and he refuses to leave. And Shadow Milk is honestly not that far behind, he feels some type of way towards Pure Vanilla and it would be cute if it wasn't so sad and creepy lol
Really though, I just love hero/villain ships in general (always have, since long before Cookie Run ever existed) and I get a kick out of villains acting stupid over crushes (read: obsessions), and acting stupid in general. There's just something about a villain being in love with the hero to a psychotic, comical degree, and the hero rebuffing them at every turn that's just really amusing to me lol. Like what Joker sort of has with Batman, you know?
Here are my Yandere Beasts in bare-bones terms:
Burning Spice: come on, if you've read my stuff, you know EXACTLY what Yandere Spice is like lol. If not, I'll refer you to this and this, as well as my fics on AO3. If those don't tell you what Yandere Spice is like then idk how else to help you lol
Shadow Milk: if the final boss of theater/drama kids had a crush but was also a malignant narcissist of some sort lol. Absolutely DESPERATE for Vanilla's attention at all times. If he's not actively trying to worm into Vanilla's brain and harass him in his thoughts and dreams, he's in the real world brainstorming better ways to do that lol. He does not grasp why the creepy puppet shows and gaslighting attempts aren't convincing Vanilla to fall in love with him. Will attack and torment and insult Vani in one breath and then praise and love and worship him in another, because he's a histrionic clown freak with whirlwind emotions. But above all else, he literally thinks he owns Vani and is meticulously plotting the horrible and hilarious demise of any and all he perceives as a threat to their union
Eternal Sugar: World's Laziest Stalker™️. Almost exclusively haunts Holly in her dreams (I have to assume that that's what her power will entail, as the Beast of Sloth); however, she's more "effective" in her wooing attempts due to her past experience as the Herald of Happiness. She actually goes out of her way to construct dreams and the like that have things in them that make Holly happy (or what she thinks makes Holly happy; she, as well as the others, has big tunnel vision and is very selfish and self-absorbed, and thus pays more lip service to her own wants than those of who she loves/obsesses over). Thankfully doesn't run into Holly in person often because that's work... but sometimes she DOES work up the nerve to go after her for real, and... well
Mystic Flour: Denial, denial, denial. Not just a river in Egypt the Golden Cheese Kingdom, but she'll say and act like otherwise. No, she does not like Dark Cacao. He robbed her of her volition and the chance to enact her will. He prevented her from freeing the world from pain and suffering. He is a stubborn fool who refuses to understand the truth. He... is very handsome. She does not like how handsome he is. It is distracting. She doesn't like dwelling on her memories of him and their encounters. She doesn't like how she came to harbor a single kernel of respect in her heart after he stood his ground against her; a kernel that she inadvertently nurtured and cultivated slowly but surely, until... no. No, she doesn't like Dark Cacao. She doesn't think about him all day. She doesn't want to try to lure him back to her land so she can trap him in the flour fog with her again. She doesn't miss feeling his dark eyes on her. She doesn't deeply resent his attachment to his people, and seek to transfer that attachment to her instead. No, she... damn it, he's ruined her. He's made her feel things again. He's made her succumb to selfishness and greed, to earthly desire and attachment - desire for HIM, attachment to HIM. All of her hard work and enlightenment gone to waste... She doesn't want to like Dark Cacao, she recognizes the folly in such a thing, but she's stuck - and so stuck is she that not only does she not really see a way out, she doesn't WANT one. She's become too content with her attachment to him too quickly. Now she has to agonize over her own foolishness, and try to keep denying that she doesn't care while also longing for his attention and wanting to do away with all that steals his attention away from her
Silent Salt: probably the least awful of the five, but he's still creepy and that's not a high bar to clear anyway lol. Has a better grasp on "normal" behavior than the others (like... he pays attention to what White Lily likes/wants and tries to adjust accordingly), but he's following her around everywhere and acting extremely violent and territorial over her towards anyone who he catches approaching her. He's legitimately, surprisingly sweet and gentle towards her; he brings her flowers, he listens to her when she asks/tells him something, he's more or less respectful of her personal space (he will try to be as physically close to her as possible, but actually backs off a little if she asks him to, only to try again, and so on and so forth)... but he's still a villain, he's still violent and creepy, he still gets angry when she pays attention to other people for too long and he has brought actual harm to others out of jealousy. He's the best of the worst but that really doesn't mean much of anything, he's still a psycho creep like the others
In short, they form a tight-knit coalition of absolutely fucking deranged freakazoids and they should all probably die :)
#i'm having more fun with this idea than I probably should#please feel free to ask me more about Yandere Beasts I welcome it wholeheartedly#writing crazy people is so much fun to me lol#cookie run kingdom#burningcheese#goldenspice#silentlily#hollysugar#mysticcacao#pureshadow#shadowvanilla#ancient cookies#beast cookies#yandere beasts#new yandere beasts tag let's goooooo
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In Defense of Caitlyn Kiramman
No, this is not a defense of any of her actions or decisions she made after she donned the beret. This is a defense of the writing of her character and what (I believe) the writers are trying to do. With only one act down, there’s many ways the writers can take this. They could very well fumble it. However, I will give the writers the benefit of the doubt. With that out of the way…
The descent into darkness and the corruption arcs are classic storytelling. Where the protagonist, hit with so many traumas and setbacks, gives into her darker feelings, sometimes aided by a more devious figure in the background.
Given all the traumas that Caitlyn has experienced as explained by @bramblebeau, something was going to happen. Without Ambessa Medarda being that devious figure, would Caitlyn have gone full authoritarian at the end of episode 3? Maybe. I still think she would have, but perhaps not as far. But to argue that this is bad storytelling because Caitlyn did not keep her idealism and morality is… horrible missing the point.
What are the points? When faced with trauma and the desire to retaliate and seek revenge, it is very easy to manipulate those who want those two things. And, in the world we actually live in, we have seen this time and again. Need I bring up the US War on Terror? Whether directly or indirectly, the cultural impact of the 9/11 Attacks, second Iraq War, and the US War on Terror has been and will continue to do so (and if you want a less subtle commentary on that, check out Naoki Urasawa’s Pluto also on Netflix).
Ambessa Medarda not only manipulating Caitlyn, but the Piltover Elite, was masterful because it showed how easy it is when you can control the flow of information, control the rhetoric, and eventually dehumanize your “enemy” as something less than human. It’ll be fascinating to hear how Caitlyn’s speech changes and what type of language she uses when talking about Zaun.
At this point, we don’t know exactly what the writers are going to do. But it does raise some intriguing and exciting questions from a storytelling perspective. Caitlyn, right now, is at the edge of (the heart) of darkness. Is her blood-lust for revenge going to cause her to fall in? Will someone be able to talk sense into her? Can anyone in Piltover talk any sense into her? How, if at all, can Vi be the one to help/save her? Or will they save each other? How can Vi be that tiny light in the darkness when she has her own trauma to deal with? (There’s another point to examine how both dealt with the trauma by the end of Act 1. Vi went inward and, based on the trailers, went full self-destructive mode. Caitllyn went outward and became the public face of a fascist regime).
Caitlyn already started taking steps to that darkness after she got the Kiramman key and decided that GASSING ZAUN (and all the implications THAT brings) was the best option for her strike team to open its mission to capture Jinx, dismantle shimmer, neutralize any agents loyal to Silco. Whatever justification given, especially by Vi, is naive at best and delusional at worst. Vi might have gone along simply because she feels some blame and wants to support Caitlyn. But what Caitlyn did was unjustifiable. The moment you simply accept “collateral damage” as simply being a Tuesday, your moral dipstick is bone dry (credits to Fox Mulder for that one). But that isn’t bad storytelling. I’m supposed to feel that way.
Caitlyn’s descent, as it stands, allows the writer to either give her something of a redemption arc where she realizes the horrors of what she has done and what has to be done to fix it.
This is classic storytelling 101.
And I am fucking here for it.
Thanks to @caitlyn-kirammans for listening to me ramble this out first.
#Arcane#Arcane: League of Legends#Netflix Original Series#Arcane Spoilers#Spoilers#Analysis#Analysis by Op#Caitlyn Kiramman#Violet#Vi#Ambessa Medarda#It has been a long time since I've tried to write anything for any fandom#Really trying to write anything at all...#So is this terrifying? You bet your ass it is.
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as a little treat i am sharing with you little Aya doodles I've done over the last few days to unwind ww just little expressions based on lines in-game because those are always fun to draw. nothing too special just biscuit
it's Aya because upon doing bizarrely throughout playthroughs of the game for still unspecified project purposes I've gained a soft spot for her she's my daughter now my mental tier list on my favorite characters is so confusing right now
#re:kinder#fanart#aya re:kinder#aya hibino#i state shes my daughter NOW because before i didnt pay too big of a mind to her#but honestly in each different playthrough of this game i gain new appreciation for each character#because fun fact ryou was my favorite character at first just because he seemed nice and was a healer and was nice#second playthrough brought in rei and shunsuke in my mind because they ate it up wirh their roles in the story#meanwhile as time passed yuuichi started to grow on me as i realized he was a little too relatable BASICALLY THINGS LIKE THAT#and spoilers for the unspecified project mentioned in the text just because i feel like it#i also did this because having a transcript of every line just spurred me on becquse of how easy it made things#its much more fun to start doing these kind of line based doodles when you dont have to manually go througj hours of gameplay to find stuff#so just being ablr to ctrl f through a document made me very glad HEUEHEHEBEHR#im still working on it it needs proofreading and polishing on some sides but overall it should be here soon i hope#if anyones interested in it do let me know HUEHEHEBRB i will post it regardless but it would be nice to know if anyone is interested#ANYWAY#as to why Aya seems to have a purse when her sprite doesnt its because her equipment mentions her carrying a yellow pouch#its meant to be that!!!#she looks very goofy with it on made me giggle ngl#(as in. amusement)#it adds more interest to her visual design so its nice to have it there im glad its there#OH YEAH SOME COMMENTARY ON ONE OF HER LINES HERE THAT REALLY PIQUED MY INTEREST#if sayaka dies and shes there to see it (thus. you chose to bring her with you) she has this line#where it implies that shes afraid of dying which makes things sad when she's suicidal#she already states i think her desire is more to disappear than to die exactly but even then it's quite sad#like even if she wants to disappear with how gloomy she's feeling and all the things going around with her parents#shes just a little girl who doesn't want to die😭😭#it really adds a sense of realism to how depression is tackled in game at least for me#that when one is depressed and suicidal a lot of the time it's the wish for this state of suffering to end rather than to actually die#SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER ITS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT UPPED MY APPRECIATION FOR HER
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hope this isn't going to cause shit but i think tumblr users have a warped idea of what being "pretentious" means
#rambles#i see so many posts like ''i love being pretentious we need pretentious people keeping art and intellectualism alive''#it confuses me#''pretentious'' means putting on an unlikable exaggerated bravado and putting down other people#because you think you're more intelligent and your taste is inherently better than theirs#being pretentious is just obnoxious. it doesn't help people appreciate deeper art it just makes you annoying#99% of the time pretentious people aren't driven by the desire to make more people appreciate deeper/non mainstream art#they are driven by the desire to feel better than other people which is a very different thing#also that word is usually used in the sense that the person doesn't actually know what they're talking about#like a person who uses big words to sound smart without knowing what they mean or say they like classic literature w/o reading it#i'm not sure what the point is. if you want to say ''more people should appreciate deeper/non mainstream art'' just say that
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Declan wasn't blind. He knew Maude wanted other men. Everyone could see it. In a way she had a naivete that belied her age. She wasn't a woman who could hide her feelings or suppress her desires. It simply wasn't in her. She was too wild, too free, too untamed. Her hunger was there in her eyes, in her lips, in the sway of her hips. As soon as she saw a man she liked, everyone in the room knew it.
Declan also knew other people thought she treated him badly. He knew Maude felt this too. It was why she thought he was punishing her, taking her away from London to this big house in the Cotswalds. But he wasn't punishing her. Not even a little bit. He was simply following his own hunger which was for his work, for political freedom to prosecute his agenda on the TV screen. Maude was never a factor in his thinking. Or if she was, it was as an after thought.
So no, she wasn't treating him badly. No more than he treated her at least. And no, he didn't mind her flirtations. Far from it. The truth of the matter was they turned him on. He liked seeing other men desire her. He liked seeing their desire reflected back in her wide, playful eyes.
So when she went after Rupert... he actively kept out of the way. And that night when she came to him, he had her play out her fantasy. He let his body, his hands, his cock, substitute for Rupert's so she might feel a taste of what might have been.
"How would you have had him touch you?" he asked, trying to contain his excitement.
Confused, she didn't answer. Her fear of saying the wrong thing, her anxiety about being a bad wife, overcoming her power to speak her own mind.
She hesitated.
Then she took his hands and showed him.
The lust writ large across his face encouraged her.
"Like this?" He asked, caressing her breasts.
She nodded.
"And what would you have done to him?" Declan asked, a breathy quality making his voice catch.
Silently she wriggled down and with shaking hands she drew Declan's cock into her mouth.
"You'd really have sucked his cock?" Declan gasped in surprise. It was the first time she'd done that for him in years.
"Yes," she said quietly, "it's what I do for men who are brave enough to take me from my husband."
"Oh god," Declan moaned, almost cumming there and then.
"And then," she suggested, her confidence building with the strength of his reaction, "he'd push me back on the bed and I'd open my legs for him..."
Declan complied, positioning himself over her and sliding deep into his wife's wet pussy.
"Like this?"
"Yes," she moaned. Then she corrected herself, breathing softly into his ear. "No actually. Not quite like this. He'd be bigger and I'd be moaning his name as he fucked me harder and deeper than you."
"Do it," Declan moaned as his thrusts became frantic, "moan his name."
"Yes Rupert!" Maude moaned as her husband started to cum. "Rupert Rupert Ruuuuupereert..."
How would you have had him touch you?
#declan o'hara#maud o'hara#rivals#rivals disney+#rivals 2024#smut#cuck#aidan turner#fanfic#rivals fanfic#rupert x maude#rupert campbell black
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i kinda wish ppl would let go of the “and it’s supposed to be killing shtola to use her aether to see” just bc that’s not what was intended by “life force” and they’ve made that very clear and also more and more ppl exaggerate it like “the VAST amount of aether it takes for her to see” who said that…
#i do wish obv as i have said before they would do more to show her actually being blind but like show her getting tired from it#rather than like. dying ahdjdksk#anyway was reading something about someone who wants shtola’s desire for knowledge to be a vice rather than a virtue and i’m on the fence#about it just bc i personally don’t want her to be punished for that in a way that would make it like. that desire is bad#i’d rather it be about her recklessness with her own life but then they are all like that so what can you do really…#i do think an examination of what exactly she would do to get the knowledge she’s after but ppl wanting her to be punished for it#makes it feel bad to me idk. idk. maybe it’s the shtola bias talking. and like that being a thing i love about her lol#i need a text post tag#*an examination of what she would do would be interesting. forgot a key part of that sentence lol
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everytime i watch shameless I get hit with a jolt of sickness and remember how frank and monica stole fionas life from her and she'll never get it back because it never existed because she was a sister first her whole life (from the age of 4) and everything else second and its always just so casual in the show and normal and rarely touched upon but it's not normal at all and it's tragic
#another post made at 2am that i found in the drafts#but my god its messed up how frank and monica got to live their own lives and how the kids got to have aspirations kinda but fiona was just#always stuck with the feeling of being stuck#cause she was forced to devote a largeee chunk of her life to servitude#its so unbelievably telling of frank and monicas innate selfishness above anything else imo :#their willingness to fulfil their mutual desire to extend the feeling of things such as youth and excitement and fun#to the point that they stripped their own daughter of the ability to experience childhood#education#etc#my memory is hazy but frank definitely was in college and i think monica was too? either way they both got to finish HS / experience it#but not fiona!!! its the opposite of parents sacrificing so their children can have more#they had more than fiona did and didnt give a shit about the fact that they just took from her#(obviously im not saying they had rosy perfect lives as kids teens and young adults— far from it actually)#(but its shockingly clear that they had a great deal more than fiona...or at least less on their plates...)#like when frank speaks of being a boy in college#its like.. these opportunities he threw away while fiona would've loved to have them but instead she had to drop out of HS#against her will#like yes its complicated but bottom line is its just sad how frank and monica were both afforded with control over their lives to a degree#while all of fionas life decisions carried the weight of her whole family and she didnt get to have independent control over her life#like for example she didnt drop out of HS cause she actually wanted to#she just didn't have any other choice
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Poor Shin was a casualty of the show she was in being four separate narratives in a trenchcoat and she was only actually relevant to one of them.
I would've loved to know more about her history with Baylan, why she's so loyal to him, how they met and came together as a master and apprentice at all. The evolution of it is so interesting because you can tell that Baylan has such a completely different idea of where this relationship is going and what it is than Shin does. Shin seems to believe their goals are all about acquiring power and believes they're going to stay together probably forever (unless one of them dies). Baylan isn't actually after power at all but knows that Shin IS (or at least he BELIEVES that's what she wants) and is fully prepared to dump her in order to go after his own goals, but he also seems to think that this separation is the healthiest thing to do because all relationships come to an end and, for him, this is just their natural end. He cares about her, but he isn't DEVOTED to her the way she is to him. For Baylan, this is the last lesson he'll ever teach her. For Shin, this was an immense betrayal that came out of fucking nowhere. And I just find that dynamic so interesting, but because we have literally ZERO context, it's just a promise of something more interesting than it actually is. It's all questions that you have to hope get answered later somewhere but nothing genuinely SOLID.
The one thing that I found MOST interesting about Shin was that she was, quite honestly, the most Jedi positive person in the entire show (unless we count Jacen being excited that Sabine is going to become a Jedi). It's SABINE who asks for more information about the Jedi, it's SABINE who asks if Baylan misses them (and the idea that he MIGHT miss the Jedi is at least a confirmation that they were good enough people TO miss and that it should be sad that they were killed and aren't around anymore, which is more credit than either Baylan or Ahsoka ever give them, and a more emotional connection to the Jedi as a concept than either Sabine or Huyang really show). She's got a Jedi padawan braid in her hair and that indicates EITHER that Baylan told her about it and wanted her to have it, or that Shin knew about the tradition somehow and specifically asked to have it or put it in herself without asking because it meant something to her. Either way, that is, again, more of a connection to the Jedi than we see from ANYONE ELSE on the entire show and more of a DESIRE for a connection to the Jedi than we see from anybody else.
And it feels BONKERS that the one character on this show that doesn't have ANY real connection to the Jedi aside from Baylan who doesn't really identify as one anymore and isn't intentionally trying to train her to BE a Jedi, is the one who seems most inclined to view them positively and seek out a connection to that identity.
And I want that to mean something, I want it to be a glimpse into a depth that will get explored at some point, but I just... don't really think it is. At best I think it was a fluke and her moments of connection to the Jedi are just there to help move someone else's narrative forward, to help someone else be a mouthpiece for the show's thesis, or as a cool aesthetic without any deeper meaning to it.
At worst, I think it's possible that Shin's more positive connections to the Jedi are intended to be an indication of CORRUPTION in her. The Jedi are represented as weak elitist failures in the Ahsoka show, you're not supposed to WANT characters like Ahsoka and Sabine to truly BE Jedi. At best, you're supposed to want them to be Jedi who are very DIFFERENT from the Prequels Jedi because to be like the Prequels Jedi is to be a failure. Sabine doesn't wear the braid, she doesn't wear Jedi robes and instead explicitly dresses in ARMOR, she doesn't trust or respect traditional/standard Jedi protocols, and she doesn't believe in the Jedi's teachings about attachment. Ahsoka claims to not be training her to be a Jedi but does try to push more Jedi-like teachings of non-attachment earlier on and that theology is clearly represented as bad and repressed, while Sabine's willingness to give up everything for love is represented as HEROIC. Sabine's lack of connection to anything more traditionally Jedi-like is the symbolic visual representation of her heroism, while Shin's somewhat greater visual connection to more traditional Jedi things might actually be representative of her corruption. Shin, like the Jedi of old, is too old-fashioned, too stuck in her ways, and that will destroy her in the end.
I don't LIKE that analysis of her, obviously, I'd much prefer the idea that Shin's connection to the Jedi is actually a hint that she's not beyond redemption, but given the themes of the Ahsoka show, the second option seems so much more likely.
Overall, I DO think that poor Shin got left out in the cold in terms of development and she ended up pretty flat as a character because the show was way too overstuffed and something had to give. Theoretically she'll get more focus in the second season since the search for Ezra is over, Thrawn is gone, and they're separated from everything happening in the other galaxy, so characters like Baylan and Shin can finally take center stage in a way that was simply impossible in season 1. Whether that development will be any good or not is obviously incredibly questionable, but given her fan favorite status, it seems fairly likely that we'll see much more of her.
Kinda sad about Shin Hati's characterization...
She already has none in canon, and in the fandom she is always just a different shade of "crazy eyed girl" (a really popular trope in fandoms in general) which is extremely boring...
Like, can we try and give her something... more??? Please???
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.........im just gonna be real i do not see kabu misu. like period...... like dont get me wrong theyhave a good dynamic but it was NOT mithrun in the middle of his conspiracy board
#i saw someone refer to labru as wanting to see kabru get worse and i feel so violent#yeah you know i think being a caretaker of sorts(situation where you may have to ignore your wants and needs) is soooo much healthier for#kabru than being with a peer who would help him unmask and reduce his monster anxiety with knowledge#not to say that relationships or fictional shipping is all about what makes characters better#i just find the labru dynamic infinitely more interesting than kabumisu#to me kabumisu is very boring. like okay yay prettyboy helps you get in touch with your desires and learns to take care of himself better#along the way like. cool! glad theyre friends!#labru though.... the drama... the autism....i think labru would be a lot about kabru working thru#his mask and laios learning not to box humans up as More Difficult/less desirable creatures than monsters/animals#like uhh actually i think itd be good for kabru to talk to someone who is not on the page kabru assumes hes on#and urrrmmm itd be good for laios to Finally have a friend who is Actually interested in Him. who is interested in humans so much that#laios might actually get a sufficient explanation for missed social cues and conventions#im just saying labru works because they are on the same level. my favorite panels are when people call kabru creepy
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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But would you tho (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#Schuldig#ZEX#And again the Captain implied from offscreen lol#Two little things ♪ One that Actually happened and one speculation lol#I really like Schuldig :D He's the likeable asshole type and his quirk is very well written :)#I love how he gets on Zelnick's case about his wishy-washy-ness in regards to xenophilia generally and ZEX specifically hehe#Zelnick has no good answer for him! It's so cute hehe <3#But then he turns right around and is wishy-washy himself!! I get the feeling his frustration stems a bit from relating hahaha#Or maybe Zelnick's uncertainty influenced him! It's not such an easy decision to make when you're staring down the barrel is it now :)#Openly attracted to Max's body and flattered by ZEX's personality and outright attraction to him in turn but the alien aspect is too much pf#Sure right okay lol - I have no skin in this game so I'll have to take his word for it haha#Secondarily speculating around ZEX's attraction and standards lol it sounds like an oxymoron but no he is actually a bit picky!#Yes he loves humans generally but he is actually tempered by what mind inhabits what body! It's so interesting to me!#I think it's especially funny how his various desires are in conflict with each other haha#Like it makes sense that he controls himself around Fwiffo - poor thing would have a heart attack - but he genuinely seems less attracted!#Which makes sense to me as well ♪ Spathi and VUX share several traits and were on the same side during the War so he's familiar with them#And he's specifically attracted to differences and novelty - it all lines up!#And then there's also his pride lol he tries to make more friends than enemies of course but he still gets petty and patronizing <3#If he's actually upset with someone /he's/ the one who would need convincing! It's all very interesting :3c#And then there's the matter of his own body vs. Max's body - he's so upset at the metaphysical implications of cloning his consciousness#I've never thought of ZEX in the context of the ''Would you fuck your clone'' questionnaire but I guess I know his answer now haha#Though I still wonder what his reaction would be to Max :0 He's probably not close enough to be ZEX but he is /a/ ZEX - of a sort#All his introspection about the body he's in has my mental ears perked haha - pity and worry for the potential life he's replacing#Discomfort at possibly being Max in some capacity including continuing to be in his body but also of overtaking his life entirely#And of being backed into a corner - Max is pitiful as well as pitiable! Neither of them want to be Max Vyer really#He loves humans but how far does that extend when push comes to shove ♪ It's been interesting watching him fumble through it :)
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it's bittersweet, being back here, faced with memories from the life they once shared together. there's happy ones, of course, that flood to the forefront of his mind— the first time they ever said they loved each other, just down the hall in the bathroom; or all the times following that where those three words were uttered, whether that was in the kitchen, after a dinner they prepared together went horribly wrong and all they could do was laugh at it, or in their bed in the morning, when they awoke to the sight of each other, or in the hallway, just before they're out the door, each day they had to go to work. there was always something so certain back then; this love that held them together, the home they found in each other, that they could return to the safety of, each and every single day. and it's taken him awhile this time around, but he's found his way eventually— back to her, his home. with that, of course, comes memories that are harder to swallow, that aren’t as easy to think back on; two lines on a test, reality coming crashing down around them when that was no longer a possibility, secrets around a job interview, a job offer, a final goodbye, and even a heavy sense of grief, that brought him back to the safety of these walls. and they’re hard to acknowledge, yes, but in a similar way to how those happier memories are, too— all that they had, they nurtured and grew together, all to slip away from them, just like that. there’s so much history, here, in their surroundings, in the breath that they share, so close together. there’s not much else to focus on, then, as her nose nudges against his, the feeling of her breath warm against his skin. no, not much else at all, other than the pounding of his heart in his ears, his chest rising and falling with each of her words. not much else other than the feeling of what it’s like to kiss her, again, to give into the desire he’s tried to tamper down for so long, pretend like it wasn’t there. but, it screams at him now— yes, it’s still there, no, it’s never gone away. so, talk, yes, they definitely should talk, go over the situation they’ve put themselves in, but there were already on the edge of the cliff, weren’t they? what was one more step? “ we should, you’re right, ” his agreement falls easily, because he’s in no position to disagree, but his pause says it all, perfectly timed as her hand rests against his chest, lips close to his own, just barely touching. holds onto some form of restraint, not closing that gap right away, continuing to hover there, fighting the urge. “ i don’t think that makes you a terrible person, no, ” because it was her, them— this would never feel wrong, not to him. besides, the last thing he’d want is for her to feel guilty over it. “ i feel the same, ” he breathes, inching just that little bit closer. and it shouldn’t be surprising, not really, not when they’ve always been on the same page, even about this. as it turns out, self-control isn’t his strongest suit, and soon enough, he’s closing the gap between them again, his lips to hers, but this time there’s an urgency to the kiss, like he can’t stomach the thought of another second passing without feeling her against him. he only pulls away enough to mumble his next words, right there against her. “ actually, i keep thinking that maybe talking can just wait until later. ”
devon can’t stop the memories that flood her mind as they stand here together, in a home that was once theirs. can’t help but remember how it felt to come home with him after a long night out, tired and far too drunk, his arms wrapped around her as their laughter bounced off the walls, stumbling to their room to help each other carefully peel their clothes off before sliding comfortably into bed, falling asleep in each other’s arms. or how they would make breakfast together on slow weekend mornings, drinking coffee in bed and spilling half of it on the sheets, or evenings spent listening to him read to her, staying up too late talking about anything and everything. maybe that’s why she couldn’t fathom leaving this place, despite his absence— so much good happened here. there was so much love embedded in these walls, in each creak of the floorboards, in every piece of furniture they picked out together. and now she could almost trick herself into believing they had gone back in time, that this was just another one of those nights, where she could just lead him to their bedroom, kissing all the way there, but it wasn’t. or at least, it shouldn’t be. despite how her lips tingle to kiss him again and again, she knows they’ve already crossed a line. but hearing him echo just how much he missed her, too, blurs it even further in her mind. that always happened with him, didn’t it ? he was the exception to every rule, the only person she would do absolutely anything for, if he asked, no matter the consequences. it’s intoxicating, being this close, kissing him, touching him, feeling the warmth of his body against her own one more time. even if he wasn’t technically hers anymore, god, was she so fucking lucky to have him at all. remains close as she smiles up at him, pressing a soft peck to his cheek, lingering there for a moment. “ feels real to me, too, ” she whispers, so real that it’s almost visceral— her senses were overrun, her brain filled only with thoughts of them and the life they once shared, her heart overwhelmed with love and care. and it’s enough, just being here with him like this, but she can’t ignore that desire for more, even though she’s desperately trying to shove it down, to remind herself that there had to be some sort of boundary, that there were two other people to think about. it’s hard, though, when he’s kissing her, or looking at her like that, or when he reaches down to intertwine their fingers together so easily. fuck. “ me too. i've almost called you so many times, ” it’s followed with a squeeze of his hand, then, as her nose nudges against his own, tempted to close the gap and kiss him again, but she tries to hold onto any shred of self control she has left, just for good measure. even then, she doesn’t pull away. “ do you want to ? talk, i mean, ” she breathes, voice coarse. “ because we can. we should, probably, ” the words are a little shakier, now, as her free hand slides up to rest against his chest, curling against the material of his shirt as she leans in closer, lips skating against his. “ because i… i’m afraid that if i keep kissing you, i won’t be able to stop, and i’ll do something really fucking stupid, that i know i shouldn’t but that i can’t help because it’s you. ” — “ does that make me a terrible person, you think ? ”
#have i mentioned lately that this is going to make me Freak out……#interactions / miller banks.#bluestsdays
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doodle dump
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp agent#lobotomy corp oc#pretty sure i have more i missed. just doodling since i cant get myself to make more than bare minimum effort rn#ocs as well so i dont need to think abt how to properly portray another. considering i literally made them up#personality wise anyways. took some creative liberties when it comes to actual gear and random generated agents anyways#maybe ill actually ramble abt them on the sideblog. Eden and Eliza mirrors to one another and picking specific aspects of humanity to cling#to. Eden deciding the subconscious and concepts of humanity brought to life is more ideal that humans themself. the more one loves of human#ity the less one begins to love of humans. Eliza becoming subservient and wanting to activly love humans and her kin even when they hold no#love for her in turn. Both needing to be rewarded or feel rewarded for their dedication. Idealizing each side. the idea of everyone is capa#ble of good and thus should be forgiven and unquestionable love and loyalty. Eden viewing people as senselessly killing oneanother in furth#er elaborate ways and rejects the idea of people all together and finds solance in the Concept than the Living#Angelina and Ryn with how one views time and survival. One hyperfocused on surviving of the current day and neglecting their own very self-#and desires while the other only looks towards the future and idealizes to the point where they dont even see the today. delusion to claw#through reality. Safety team w Brook Eliza Evgeni and Katya is a little harder to explain but the main concept with them as a Group being a#a jab at the happy workplace family that gets along. nuh uh#i guess another idea that is weaved into them is 'survival' and how one sees they can be fit to live or find a meaning to live. and the con#tradictions that arise from anothers perspective and how people 'ought to live'. a clash of either accepting or denying anothers way of#how one should survive. and the projection of a way to live. of 'i view this to be right and thus i will have you do this thing' saving an#aspect or person that they can see themself in to then essentally save themself.#will i be able to handle such ideas with finesse? likely not i dont have faith in myself to properly encapsulate such topics to a perfect#enough degree but it is interesting to explore
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I'm really glad elyss came several years before melliwyk, because mel's alignment shift from chaotic neutral to chaotic good sometimes feels a little embarrassing in an 'I can't keep my own feelings to myself for the sake of committing to the bit' sort of way, but the counterpoint to that is that elyss, steadfastly true neutral, just simply Does Not Care about anyone other than her own loved ones or anything outside her own immediate interest no matter how much I sometimes wish she would
#she has a soft spot for children but that's the only real exception. other people's problems are none of her business!#she's not gonna look for your kidnapped husband or whatever unless the paladin wants to (he wants to. this is my loophole as a player lol)#whereas *I* wanna befriend and adopt every NPC and do quests and help people out of genuine desire to help#melliwyk is still more self-interested than not but at the end of the day she fundamentally really is a good person#she just lost track of it for awhile. being around people again has reminded her that she cares about people actually#she IS bothered by needless suffering. she IS smart enough to recognize when smart people handwave 'necessary sacrifices' to be cruel#she DOES oppose evil on principle rather than just because of how it directly affects her or her friends and family--#not just passively and in general but actively enough to want to do something about it herself#and I dunno it's nice. it's nice that it feels like that's not just me muddying the waters with my desires as a player--#but that it's just something *neither* of us realized when I started playing her but that was nonetheless always true#and honestly I also think it's nice that elyss is Like That but that I don't think there's anything wrong with her for it#she's not evil! she's not hurting anyone who didn't deserve it! she's literally just trying to mind her own business#she's not going to needlessly or carelessly hurt people just for her own gain like early campaign melliwyk would have#she's true neutral like a wild animal is true neutral and That's Fine#the ONE downside I suppose with mel is that 'NICE does not mean GOOD' is compelling to me#especially when your stereotypical chaotic neutral dnd character is an edgelord asshole#but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe if her field of study had more opportunities for human experimentation lmao#melliwyk the experimental necromancer or behaviorist or summoner has a different relationship with ethics I have no doubt#melliwyk has READ studies with Dubious Ethics and gone 'I mean they couldn't have GOTTEN results like this otherwise'#really the biggest difference between Good Melliwyk and Neutral Melliwyk is opportunity for temptation. which is also compelling#my OCs#melliwyk#elyss
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Wyll’s remarks about Astarion, such as his comment about Astarion having nice hair, come off as more platonic or neutral. While Wyll might acknowledge Astarion’s attractiveness, something the vampire doesn’t already know 😂, there’s no indication that these comments carry the same kind of sexual tension or romantic interest that Astarion expresses toward Wyll. These remarks are more likely to be seen as lighthearted compliments, something that could be said by a friend or acquaintance rather than an indication of deeper romantic feelings.
Astarion, on the other hand, makes several flirtatious comments toward Wyll, hinting at a potential romantic or sexual attraction. He openly mentions that Wyll would have been his type before he became a vampire, — which is kind of sad because I think Wyll would have loved him more as a human than a vampire and I feel like that’s a little racist because canonically (not talking about playing Wyll’s origin run, if you want to romance Astarion go for your life) but I don’t think he’d want to do anything with him because of what his kind does and the fact that he’s a monster hunter but then again this is just my theory/HC I don’t know it for a fact but I know the attraction is definitely one-side either way it’s looked at — and there are moments where Astarion expresses clear desire or admiration for Wyll’s physical appearance. This interaction is much more overt and can be interpreted as a romantic or sexual interest. (Like the question is does he just want to bed Wyll as one night stand or does he genuinely have deep-rooted feelings for him?)
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Even if Wyll did harbor feelings for Astarion, it raises the question: why was he so consistently harsh toward him throughout Acts 1 and 2? Wyll’s behavior towards him only starts to shift in Act 3, after Astarion kills Cazador and chooses to remain a spawn (which is actually understandable even because I don’t exactly like Ascended Astarion either, so kudos to Wyll 😂) However, this shift doesn’t come across as a true companionship or genuine change of heart—it feels more like a reward or acknowledgment of Astarion’s “good behavior.” (Pretty much similar as to how Mizora treats Wyll with the ‘reward method’ like a dog)
By waiting until after Astarion has undergone intense personal growth to offer any kind of warmth — which is kind of manipulative on the warlock’s part — Wyll’s change in attitude feels less like a romantic development and more like belated approval.
This shift misses the mark if the intent was to create a compelling connection between them. Instead of building a relationship over time, it feels as if Wyll’s attitude change only emerges in response to Astarion’s actions, which doesn’t have the depth or complexity expected in a confession of feelings.
Self note: Don’t get me started on the whole “well it could be an enemies to lovers thing”. Yeah, you could be right but that’s what happened between Lae’zel & Shadowheart as well as Karlach & Wyll but at least they made a truce in Act 1
Wyll repeatedly “teases” (I wouldn’t even call it that considering his tone is not animated ) Astarion about his “dietary life” even though he explicitly explains to the player/leader of the group — very early on after being found out about his true nature — “I hunt deer, boar, or kobolds whatever I can get. I’m just a little slow right now” which, now that I think about it, I honestly I feel like that’s the only part Wyll heard: ‘I’m a little slow’ it would explain why he acts this way towards Astarion either that or he’s internally panicking (not for himself) but people around him because there is a “slow” vampire who hasn’t fed yet, but is too weak to go after any animal. Thats not the worst part, Wyll, who is only a short distance from Astarion’s tent — one tent away — perhaps chose to ignored his explanation, most likely not wanting to hear to excuses or manipulation (in Wyll’s eyes) because to him a bloodthirsty vampire is a bloodthirsty vampire; self control or not it didn’t matter to him
Another thing is when Astarion mentions that he’s feeling hungry, a day or so later, Wyll instantly remarks that he should settle for “vagrant chicken,” straight off the bat and absolutely no tactfulness, as if unaware or indifferent to Astarion’s efforts to avoid feeding on innocents. This could have been especially harsh for Astarion — considering how much he resents being told what to do— a reminder of his time under Cazador’s control, particularly when he had no choice having to obey his commands (lest he gets punished for not doing so 🥺)
The dynamic becomes even more complicated when the player (save for playing as Karlach) goes up to Astarion, telling him: “You can feed on me.”. Every time it comes up, Wyll doesn’t protest or intervene, despite his earlier jabs about the vampire’s source of ‘food’. There’s no protective or disapproving response from him; instead, he stands by and allows it to happen. This feels less like a typical “enemies-to-lovers” banter and more like an ongoing pattern of unnecessary antagonism. It, to me, actually felt more like a “the ruler can do whatever they want and the person won’t interfere” thing, which isn’t far fetched to being a leader of the companions
Conclusion:
It’s important to note that Baldur’s Gate 3 is a game driven by player choice, meaning there is no definitive “canon” relationship between characters. Since each player can make different decisions and pursue different companions, any pairing, such as “Wyllstarion,” is subjective and depends on the individual player’s choices. The game doesn’t establish any specific romantic relationships as official canon, as characters do not form relationships with one another outside of the player’s actions. This flexibility allows players to experience a variety of possible relationships, and no particular outcome is considered the game’s “canon.”.
That’s like me saying “Starlach and Bloodweave are definitely canon,” but someone else might argue, “No way, it’s all about Shadowarrior — Shadowheart and Lae’zel” or “Fieryblade, Wyll x Karlach, is definitely the better option” etc. Everyone has their own interpretation of what feels right or “canon” to them. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer because the game lets you build your own story, and what feels like a natural pairing for one person might not for someone else.
More evidence that Wyll and Astarion are basically canon :p But no Wyll, no Asty kisses for you >:c Not this time.
#don’t call something canon if it’s not or least likely one sided#thanks for coming to my ted talk#proof that wyllstarion is not canon#no slander#baldur's gate 3#Youtube#slaying facts#astarion#wyll#companions
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