#it makes me so ANGRY like why does she feel entitled to control every part of my appearance

[thursdayg1rl]

i WILL have waist length hair by next year . no matter what

[lil-princesshil]

I'm no expert, but what's the difference between peeing and getting excited and squirting? sorry for the question, bye kiss

I don’t think tumblr is the right place to answer this. People are going to get angry at my answer I think. But if you don’t mind asking again, I could answer it on here 🙃

Edit… decided to actually post the answer here. Because whatever.

Thank you for asking me here instead of tumblr. This is going to be a long one and a people might disagree with me. If you don’t agree with me, that’s okay, you’re absolutely entitled to your own opinion and thoughts on the subject. But please please please don’t argue with me. I’ve heard every argument and you’re not going to persuade me.

This is based on my experience, my play partner at the time’s experience, her experience making other women squirt, watching her make other women squirt (she was talented af) and what a gynaecologist said when I asked them.

I’m going to preface this with: if you enjoy what you do, your partner enjoys what you do, then it doesn’t matter either way.

If you are asking what is the difference between peeing and what the women in porn that gush and call it “squirting” do, there is literally no difference. However, there is such a thing as squirting, but it’s different than what you see in most porn.

Here is why: There is no part of the female anatomy that can hold that much liquid and expel it with that much force other than the bladder. (Info from gynaecologist)

Let me run through the arguments that people have given me:

“Its clear! It doesn’t look like pee!” - have you never been so hydrated that your pee has ran clear?

“It doesn’t taste or smell like pee” - again well hydrated where you’re basically just peeing water.

“But it tastes sweet!” - that’s a porn star trick. When porn stars squirt on camera they obviously need to be well hydrated to be able to pee that much (just ask the squirt queen herself, Lola Jean, who has revealed she is peeing on camera)… well they use pedialyte. And it has the interesting affect of making your pee taste sweet.

Lastly: There was also a study done in 2014 where they measured the bladders of people that can “squirt”. They got them to squirt and measured their bladders afterwards. And guess what - there was less liquid in their bladder 🙃

Now that I have gotten that out of the way…

Women and people with vaginas can squirt. Females do have prostate tissue and other glands that can secrete liquid. But they’re a lot smaller and can’t hold a ridiculous amount of liquid (from gynaecologist)

Squirting looks a lot different than what you see in porn. 1) it doesn’t come GUSHING out like that, there isn’t that much force 2) a lot less comes out 3) it’s kind of this clear kinda milky looking liquid. (This is what happened to me, and what I saw from other women and what my play partner at the time had witnessed) 4. It feels very different than peeing (for me at least) I never got the “urge to pee” that a lot of women report.

Now… that being said… I can cum and pee at the same time. It’s difficult because it’s hard to play with myself, not pee, and then cum. When I do cum and pee with a full bladder it’s not controllable. I can’t stop myself from peeing. So, it is possible that some people with vaginas are confusing when they pee and cum at the same time for squirt. Which is completely understandable since porn makes us think squirting means bucket loads of liquid. Not only that, but if feels really amazing.

And I’ll reiterate: honestly, who really cares as long as it’s enjoyable for someone and their partner? Does it really matter at all?

As for the porn stars, cam girls, and those with an onlyfans that call what they do squirting - get your money 😍😍😍 do your thing.

[serpenteve]

why we ship darklina

an essay literally no one asked for

Nobody needs a "reason" to ship Darklina. But considering this is a villain x hero pairing, it got me thinking about why we shipped it in the first place when the narrative and author so badly wanted us to root for the more sensible alternative pairing and why it became the most popular ship of the entire trilogy.

Personally, I find it really interesting (and low-key hilarious) that a lot of the reasons shippers gravitated towards Darklina can be directly traced back to how badly Bardugo bungled Alina's character arc, Mal's entire characterization and narrative role, Nikolai's wasted potential as an alternative love interest, and the noble intentions she gives the the Darkling.

Alina's Character Arc

Alina's character arc doesn't match who she is as a character. I've written more about that in this post, but a lot of readers were introduced to a passive and insecure protagonist who we were expecting to undergo a typical YA coming-of-age character arc where Alina acquires self-acceptance, confidence, and embraces the full breadth of her powers over the course of the trilogy. Instead, Bardugo gave Alina the kind of character arc that's usually deserved for power-hungry anti-heroines or tragic heroes with a fatal flaw to punish.

The plot offers a strange binary: either Alina suppresses and hides her powers and therefore stays away from descending into villainy OR Alina attempts to find Morozova's amplifiers in order to defeat the Darkling but then becomes corrupted by power in the process. Alina's journey to self-acceptance and exploring her own powers are unfortunately entangled with her relationship with the Darkling. The only way she is allowed to move forward through the plot is to succumb to the corrupting influence of the amplifiers.

For better or for worse, the first character to really embrace her powers instead of thinking she's a fraud or that she's weak or that she's an unholy abomination is the Darkling. He's the first person to recognize her power for what it is and accurately judge its potential and implications for the rest of the world. He advocates for her in front of the royal court, in front other Grisha who think she's weak, and even against Baghra who is initially a very ill-tempered mentor with little to no faith in Alina's abilities. He even rather ironically advocates for her even when the heroic person who's supposed to be supporting her (Mal) does not.

At the start of her journey, Alina is insecure and in constant need of assurance and validation. The Darkling's role as her mentor and guide into this unfamiliar world of Grisha makes him the perfect advocate not only for her powers but also to help Alina see her place in the world. However, once he is revealed to be the villain, Alina also fails to realize that it's time for her to advocate for herself and throws the baby out with the bathwater.

Mal's Characterization & Narrative Role

When Alina loses the Darkling as an advocate in S&B, Mal steps up to take this role. Alina is still rather passive for the majority of the first book and it's Mal who originally wants her to have Morozova's stag as an amplifier if it will mean being able to stand against the Darkling. Bardugo intended for him to be a heroic love interest as a foil to the villainous love interest and I believe she mostly succeeds for the first book.

However, because this is a story about punishing Alina's "evil ambition" (despite there being very little evidence of that) Mal is supposed to serve as a voice of reason in the narrative. Once Alina considers the necessity of acquiring more amplifiers to defeat the Darkling, it is Mal's role to warn her of the potential consequences, to remind her of her inner humanity, and to ward against the corrupting influence of Morozova's amplifiers. Mal's declarations that he wants back the old girl he knew without any power is meant to drive an ideological wedge between them, yes, but he's also meant to be Correct™ because, again, Bardugo is writing a story about a corrupted power-hungry heroine who goes too far and needs to be punished rather than the arc we were all expecting and the one that Alina's character needs: a coming-of-age story of self-acceptance and personal growth.

Some point after the backlash of Siege & Storm, Bardugo seems to have become aware of her mistake and attempts to scrub Mal's character to be more sympathetic. There is a bizarre exchange half-way through the third book when Mal finally declares:

"I wasn't afraid of you, Alina. I was afraid of losing you. The girl you were becoming didn't need me anymore, but she's who you were always meant to be."

This is an interesting line because it's a complete reversal of Mal's narrative role so far. He's supposed to be her voice of reason that opposes her at every turn but readers interpreted him as being resentful of Alina's powers and angry that she was no longer dependent on him. Bardugo is forced to retcon Mal's entire role in the narrative from being a voice of reason that opposes Alina's quest for power to a supportive friend who will fight by her side. But this was never her initial intention and I believe this change was brought on 100% by audience reaction because she failed to understand the arc her heroine needed and the kind of story her audience was anticipating for such a character.

Needless to say, having your heroine's main love interest actively resent her quest for power until half-way through the third damn book did not endear many readers to Mal. Because Bardugo failed to understand the kind of character development her heroine needed and failed to understand audience expectations, we hated Mal. He became the embodiment of every toxic chauvinist we'd ever met who can't stand the idea of his partner's success and feels entitled to be the center of her universe. He was not the voice of reason. He was an annoying gnat hellbent on dragging the heroine down and away from her destiny. We did not want to root for him. Even the villain was more sympathetic than him because he could bring her closer to achieving the self-acceptance the narrative was obsessed with denying her.

Nikolai's Wasted Potential as a Solid Love Interest

Nikolai plays several roles in Alina's journey but most importantly in our discussions for why we ended up shipping Darklina, his entire potential as a serious love interest is wasted.

When we meet Nikolai, we have hitched our wagons to the Darklina train because despite being the villain, the Darkling is the only one who will allow the heroine to accept her powers and come into her own. Her heroic love interest, Mal, is actively sabotaging her efforts and holding her back from her true potential. But then, in swoops Nikolai and we pause, wondering if there may be a better heroic alternative after all?

In a lot of ways, Nikolai and the Darkling alike: they are eager for Alina's power and see her as a solution to all their problems. They may want to use Alina to prop up their own agendas, but unlike Mal, Alina's summoning powers are a massive plus, not a burden. Nikolai is the heroic alternative to our villainous Aleksander. So we wait, wondering if Nikolai will be the one to fix this mess of a romantic subplot. His royal connections offer an easy path to upwards mobility for our heroine and we sense that an alliance between them (even if it's initially political in nature) may bring our heroine closer to obtaining more power, influence, and self-acceptance not only for herself, but also for the oppressed minority she is a part of.

But, again, Bardugo is still obsessed with that "punish the heroine for wanting power" agenda so while Nikolai exists as another mentor figure who offers Alina advice on how to rule, how to appeal to other people, how to charm, how to win people over, and Alina learns and applies much of what she learns from him, he is not treated as a real love interest.

Despite Nikolai being written as a fairy tale prince (handsome, charming, smart as a whip, brave in battle, etc) Alina never actually considers him romantically. They are friends and allies at best and the only time she considers kissing him is only when she's pissed about Mal.

Nikolai's proposal at the end of Ruin & Rising feels like one last saving grace, one last opportunity for our heroine to take control of her life and make a dramatic change to break from the past. But this too is rejected because Alina's arc will never let her access any power. She does not reject Nikolai because she wants to marry for love. She rejects him because she has been "punished" for wanting power and has internalized that she must not seek any more power for fear of angering the plot gods (and Bardugo). She must return to being nobody in order to remain a good and moral person.

(And, of course, we resent Mal even more because who in their right mind would choose him over Nikolai? Once again, he becomes a roadblock on our heroine's journey to power. We grow irritated that the heroine is failing to grasp an opportunity to elevate herself. We throw the book against the wall. Why are we even following this heroine?)

The Darkling's Motivations

Still, all of the above might still not have been enough to pull the reader to the villain's side. But the Darkling is the living embodiment of Villain Has A Point™. He is not pure unadulterated evil. He is not Lord Sauron or Voldemort or the Terminator.

He's more Magneto, Roy Batty, or Ozymandias---a man who is part of an oppressed minority who longs for justice and power but is absolutely unhinged in his methods.

Alina runs away because she does not want to be a non-consenting weapon in hands. But we always end up wondering what would have happened had Baghra not warned her. What would have happened if Alina gladly joined the Darkling's side? There's hundreds of fanfics written precisely about this situation because despite the villainy of his methods, we wonder if Ravka might not have been safer after all?

If the Darkling had used the Fold as a weapon against Fjerda and Shu Han, would any of the problems Ravka faces in the later books even exist? Would any Grisha fall victim to the khergud programs or be killed as witches? The Darkling wipes out Novokribirsk and kills hundreds of lives, but how many would he have saved with the Fold as Ravka's greatest shield and sword? 🤷🏽‍♀️

And therein lies the problem with the trilogy inconsistent moral landscape. The Darkling is an anti-villain that exists in a narrative that is very black and white, unlike the rest of the books in the Grishaverse where our protagonists are anti-heroes who kill, steal, and torture their way through the plot with nary a judgmental glance from the narrative. We long to see our heroine give in to her dark side and get her hands dirty because watching a naive, passive, scared little girl grow into a ruthless powerful Grisha would have made for a hell of a compelling story.

But that's not the story Bardugo wanted to tell.

The Greg Trilogy

Despite taking place in a fantasy Tsartist setting, the Grisha trilogy is oddly anti-Grisha. The narrative doesn't spend much time trying to examine the context or implications of an oppressed minority group fighting for power other than to say "magic powers = evil". Nikolai skates by on a throne of inherited wealth, privilege, and imperialism but it's okay because he's charming and witty and the only monstrous part of him is the Darkling's curse. Literally everything is worse for Ravka and their Grisha after the destruction of the Fold but Ravka must move forward into a new age without relying on Grisha power but putting their efforts into new muggle technologies. Alina must be stripped of her powers and returned to her "old self" in order to be purged of evil.

Basically, it's all one gigantic ✨ dumpster fire ✨ of mismatched character arcs, incompatible moral aesops, inconsistent characterizations, wasted potential, unexamined plot points but it's a a dumpster fire we lovingly and spitefully embrace in fanfic.

We don't ship Alina with the Darkling because we're stupid abuse apologists who somehow missed the giant flashing moral aesop of the books---and honestly, who could have possibly missed them when it's shoved in the reader's face every other chapter? We ship Alina with the Darkling because the entire ship is the embodiment of wasted potential (and wasted ✨aesthetics✨ tbqh 👀). We ship Alina with the Darkling because we're sick and tired of stories where female power is demonized. We ship Alina with the Darkling because the plot gave us literally no other alternative to see our heroine succeed except to give in to her alleged villainy.

But most of all, people ship Darklina because Leigh Bardugo utterly failed in writing the story she intended to write because had she succeeded, Darklina would not be the most popular ship of the trilogy.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 25 part two

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff)

Warning! Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Jin Jerks Continued

Jin Furen is all judgy about Wei Wuxian, so it's hard to like her, since WWX is our protagonist and whatnot. But! Jin Furen is actually totally awesome. She adores Jiang Yanli and takes sides with her against her own son. She knows he likes Yanli and works her ass off to do all the courting for him, since he sucks at it, rather than picking a random wife for him and sticking him with her choice. She's always gentle with Yanli in her tone and body language. And Jin Zixuan had to get his good side from somebody.

Wei Wuxian politely tells Jin Furen that it's all over (again/still) between Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan, and cousin Jin Zixun rushes up to argue with him, saying he's being too proud and that he shouldn't talk to Jin Furen that way, since she is his senior. Wei Wuxian, still politely, explains the clan politics that underlie every one of these Zixuan-Yanli interactions. As a matter of clan pride, the Jiang Clan can't allow Yanli to be insulted.

Cousin Jin Zixun immediately goes all in on the clan rivalry, beefing with Wei Wuxian about how much prey he caught. Everybody forgets all about Yanli's situation while they talk about the hunt results instead.

The Jin cultivators--parroting what they heard from Jin Guangyao--say that Wei Wuxian has flute-walked 30 percent of the prey into nets by himself. Lan Wangji actually decides to react to something, saying "30 percent? and giving Wei Wuxian such a series of LOOKS, oh my god. 

This Wangxian moment is an important one, I think, because it shows where Lan Wangji's priorities are, and they're...wrong. He's continually telling Wei Wuxian "be good," in one way or another; trying to help him back to the correct way of being a cultivator.  Meanwhile the Lans are totally fine with the Jins being murderous shits who feel entitled to insult high-ranking ladies.

CJZX continues to snipe at Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji continues to judge WWX for being unsportsmanlike.

(more after the cut!)

Wei Wuxian says that he's just showing his capability, and CJZX tries to tell him both that 1. he's practicing evil cultivation and 2. he's just playing the flute. WWX offers him Chenqing and says "show me your capability" which I think is cultivator speak for "fight me, bitch." 

Cousin Jin Zixun moves the goalposts, saying that Wei Wuxian broke the rules, and starts in with class-based dogwhistling, saying "it's understandable that you don't know the rules," and citing examples of Wei Wuxian’s previous bad manners at cultivation events. 

Things escalate and pretty soon Wei Wuxian is yelling at everybody, threatening to tell them why he doesn't carry his sword, (which would actually clear up SO much) and saying he's going to beat them all using necromancy whatever is just this side of necromancy. 

Cousin Jin Zixun tosses his birth status at him, and then it's ON. Scary music, shaking fist, Chenqing booting up...

Lan Wangji, who has been singularly unhelpful since CJZX started talking, suddenly forgets his judginess as he's swept into motion by his constant fear of whatever is going to happen next time Wei Wuxian loses his temper. 

He rushes to Wei Wuxian’s side, grabs his wrist, says his name, and wills him to chill the fuck out. Jiang Yanli joins him, grabbing Wei Wuxian's other arm, and Wei Wuxian manages to get control of himself.

Queen Yanli

Yanli has had it, and she has Wei Wuxian stand behind her while she goes to politely reduce Cousin Jin Zixun to a heap of smoldering cinders.

First she recaps CJZX's accusations against Wei Wuxian; says she doesn't know a lot about the hunt, and apologizes formally on her brother’s behalf. WWX says "Shijie!" but she shakes her head at him and he shuts up.  

CJZX laughs and tells her, in a tone designed to infuriate Wei Wuxian even further, that Wei Wuxian doesn’t rate her apologizing on his behalf, and says that their clans are like family; reinforcing WWX's outsider status. I don't think CJZX is taking orders from Jin Guangyao, because he's way too big of a snob for that, but he's definitely helping JGY to move his agenda forward.

Even Lan Wangji is having trouble staying cool during this exchange; he is focused on keeping Wei Wuxian in check but he’s also angry himself, judging from what his neck is doing here, anyway. *Stares at his neck for way too long*

Wei Wuxian is super upset about Jiang Yanli apologizing, and he’s unable to hold back tears, even with Lan Wangji using the power of extreme staring to help him. 

Jiang Yangli is nowhere near finished, though and she turns around and proceeds to tell everyone that they suck, that it's not Wei Wuxian's fault if he's more talented than everybody else, and that they are just making up rules because they are a bunch of losers. 

Clan Leader Yao has the nerve to say that they know the rules "in their hearts" which is just another class-based dogwhistle. 

Yanli defends Wei Wuxian's cultivation method to everybody, saying it's something he worked at and put effort into--that it's different, not wrong. She's literally the only person who defends his cultivation style, even though they all have benefited from it.

Then she gets right up in Cousin Jin Zixun's face and tells him that it's not ok for him to insult WWX by calling him the son of a servant, and she wants CJZX to apologize. (full gifset here) All of the Jins and Captain Blowhard Clan Leader Yao are SHOCKED at this idea. Jin Furen tries to talk Yanli down but Yanli politely nopes her away, so JFR tells CJZX to apologize.

He's saved from having to actually do it by the arrival of Jin Guangyao and Lan Xichen, who jump down off a box fly over to find out what's wrong.

Jin Furen yells at smiley, blinkey Jin Guangyao, telling him he should be able to figure out what's wrong, saying "aren't you good at judging the situation," i.e. aren't you a conniving little creep? She's bitchy but she's not wrong.

When the "30 percent" thing is explained again, Lan Xichen gives Wei Wuxian the same Lan Glare of Sportsmanship Disappointment that his brother did. 

Lan Xichen: It's fine for my boyfriend's obviously power-hungry family to insult my brother's war-hero best friend in a bid to reduce his social status, but him using magic powers in our magical creature hunt is super wrong.  

Jin Guangyao and Lan Xichen explain that they're going to open up more area for the hunt, but it's too late to make Cousin Jin Zixun happy. He takes his ball and goes home. 

The Breaking of the Fellowship

The remaining group stroll slowly through the woods, Jin Furen and Jiang Yanli together, while Wei Wuxian walks at a bit of a distance and Jin Zixuan follows right behind his mother. His mother offers to beat him to make Jiang Yanli feel better. See? Perfect Mother-in-Law material.

Jiang Yanli tries to leave again, and is stopped again. This time Jin Furen tries to convince her to come back to the stands to sit with her and Jin Zixuan, and not to go with Wei Wuxian. First she tries saying that it's not appropriate for her and Wei Wuxian to be alone together. Yanli shuts that right down, saying that Wei Wuxian is her didi. Then Jin Furen says that Wei Wuxian has "strong wicked energy" and that he may do something evil. Like fighting back when he is ambushed on his way to a party.

Jiang Yanli repeats that Wei Wuxian is her didi, and says that she'll never leave him. JFR keeps trying but Wei Wuxian steps up and takes Yanli by the wrist and goes to lead her away. Jin Zixuan finally, FINALLY admits that he likes Jiang Yanli. 

He is embarrassed, Jiang Yanli is delighted, and Lan Xichen is amused. 

Jin Zixuan runs away and Jiang Yanli agrees to go back to Jinlintai with Jin Furen. Wei Wuxian is super immature unhappy about it....

....but he accepts her decision, in a nearly wordless exchange that we’ll see echoes of much later, between him and Lan Wangji. (Exceptionally cruel gifset here)

Wei Wuxian formally bows to Jin Furen, asking her to take care of his sister. Because he recognizes this for the parting that it is.

Jiang Yanli isn't wrong to make this choice. She deserves to be happy, and married women in this environment can't live with their original family. But she told Wei Wuxian, over and over, that the three of them have to stick together, only to change course and leave him behind with no warning. It’s not even five minutes since she said "I will never leave him."  Wei Wuxian isn’t the only person making impossible promises in these parts.  

Jiang Cheng and some Jiang cultivators show up, and everyone, including Wei Wuxian, tells Jiang Cheng that he missed an important scene, but nobody will tell him what actually happened. 

Wei Wuxian says he's going into town, and he leaves Jiang Cheng behind just as abruptly as Jiang Yanli left him.

Jiang Cheng asks Lan Xichen what happened, and Lan Xichen says "there was an argument but it's mostly smoothed over now; also, Jin Zixuan says he likes your sister."  Ha ha ha ha! Of course he does not say that, he says "You should ask your sister at the banquet" and Jin Guangyao says it wouldn't be appropriate for them, as outsiders, to comment.

I would like to see Jiang Cheng respond to this by beating the crap out of them with Zidian for being a couple of coy bitches, but he just furrows his brow. 

JGY hangs back from the group for a second to tell JC that WWX is sooooo great, before they all head back to Jinlintai.

Insecurest Boi

As everyone is walking Jiang Cheng hears Captain Blowhard saying that Lotus Pier made a strong impression today, and that they'll be able to recruit a whole lot of disciples. The cultivators are of two opinions about whether having Wei Wuxian is a good thing for a clan. 

Then a Jin cultivator says he heard that the Yin tiger amulet is made of the missing piece of Yin iron. He says he overheard it from Jin Guangyao. He says even if it's not for certain, the timing fits. Jiang Cheng reacts to this as if he 100% believes it, because Jiang Cheng is a dumbass sometimes. 

He should just frickin’ ask Wei Wuxian about the amulet. Lan Wangji asked where he got it and Wei Wuxian told him, and Jiang Cheng, while they have their issues, is officially on WWX's side, so there’s no reason for WWX not to tell him.

The Jin cultivator goes on to say that the Jiang Clan ain't shit, that all their deeds belong to Wei Wuxian.  Jiang Cheng takes all of this on board totally unfiltered. Literally everything that any Jin cultivator other than MianMian says is propaganda coming from Jin Guangyao, but Jiang Cheng thinks they're friends and doesn't know how to recognize manipulation. 

Jiang Cheng is hearing the exact same criticism that Jiang Yanli heard, but he's not equipped to handle it, and instead of fighting back he gets angry at Wei Wuxian. Despite all his recent growth, he is still crushingly insecure, and this is hitting him right in his tenderest spot. Jiang Fengmian has a lot to answer for.

Instant Replacement Sister

Wei Wuxian is off working through his own feelings; he's wandering the street in Lanling with a bottle of wine in hand. Wen Qing, in her red Wen robe and her hooded cloak, is wandering the street in the opposite direction. They pass each other without seeing, in a moment that's excruciating to watch the first time. 

But then some Jin cultivators obligingly push her to the ground, and Wei Wuxian, with his beautiful heart of fucking gold, hears someone who needs help and turns around.

For a moment he smiles in recognition, before the smile clouds over. Wen Qing, for her part, looks horrified; perhaps it’s everything she’s going through, but perhaps she can see that he, in his own way, is struggling nearly as much as she is. Meeting with her will galvanize him and give him the life direction he desperately needs.

A Day Late and a Tael Short

Lan Wangji wants to solve Wei Wuxian's problem, but he lacks imagination, so his best idea is to hide him in Cloud Recesses. 

Lan Xichen points out that Wei Wuxian might not be on board with that. This conversation is short, but it has some layers, once you know about their parents' relationship. Lan Wangji frowns but doesn't have a second idea.

[bill-y]

𝐈𝐍𝐔𝐑𝐄

Peeta mellark x male reader

We all know who Katniss Everdeen is, but what if Primrose hadn’t been chosen but another boy from another unfortunate family? YOUR family.

Info: This is basically a reader insert and I’ve changed a few rules, not ground breaking though. The reader is a bit bland for now but I plan for his actions to be different. Because he has different moral grounds from Katniss and such. Would appreciate feedback! FEEL FREE TO POINT OUT TYPOS. GRAMMARLY SOMETIMES DOESN’T DO MY DYSLEXIC ASS JUSTICE

Part one: Over there, buddy

Part two:You’re here right now. :)

Part three: Click here, pepperoni salami.

Wattpad account: L0calxDumbass

I separated with Gale and Katniss for a while, telling them I needed air. I sighed, leaping from branch to branch in the thicket of trees. Bread, not just bread, baker's bread. If I'm lucky I could get just enough squirrels for the baker, he had a taste for it but his wife was much of a witch, so he only buys it when she's not around.

I remembered how she found me stealing some burnt bread from the trashcan. I looked at her with wide eyes, frozen, I thought I was going to die, stealing was punishable for death, after all. But she just let me go, screaming about her frustration of Seams picking through her trash.

I got bread that day either way.

I landed on a sturdy branch, spotting a squirrel on the tree adjacent to me; it was quite huge, I'm sure he'd love this. Let's just hope the witch isn't home by the time I give this to him.

I crouched down, still as a statue as I watched the squirrel run up and down the tree. I pulled out the thin, glistening dagger, unwrapping its course, leather bindings, which became a makeshift thin rope. I felt my eyes unconsciously widen,  watching the squirrel's movements.

My arm aimed, then with a simple flick, the dagger whistled through the air. The small creature was then pinned to the bark of the tree through its eyes. The dagger's blade was thin enough to not damage anything when aimed right.

I pulled on the rope, the blade coming back, dragging the animal carcass with it. A small smile tugged on my face, I can get bread.

Kunal was surely panicking, he was the type to worry about the smallest of things. He once stepped on a cat's tail, Buttercup, Primrose's cat and he bawled, nobody could calm him down. Until he was offered food, that is.

I chuckled at the memory, slowly pulling the blade off the head of the squirrel. I held it in my hands victoriously, a grin on my face. I whistled a small 3 tone song, the chirping mocking birds falling silent before they imitated the tone.

After meeting up, we went back home, passing by the Hob. It was sort of a black market, where coals are transported directly to trains. I disliked it here, the amount of coal dust always bothered me, so when I come here I tend to cover my nose.

We managed to trade six of the fish for good bread, the other two for some salt. The lady who sells soup, the one that always glares at me because I've insulted her soup on multiple occasions, Greasy Sae: took half the greens we gathered, along with the dead dog meat that she calls "beef".

That's why I hate her soups, though it's not like I have much of an option, we can't afford luxury here. Unlike those obnoxious, entitled, privileged people in the Capitol. My jaw clenched at the mere thought of those scums.

We finish our business on the market, so we went to the mayor's house, who was particularly fond of strawberries. We knocked on the back door, his daughter, Madge opening it for us.

She's in Katniss and I's year sits beside us at almost every event because we don't really have groups of friends. For being the mayor's daughter you'd expect her to be an entitled brat or maybe a snob, but she was alright, she kept to herself.

I like that, I hate noisy people, They'll scare away the game, that and I've never really liked loud noises. I still remember the explosions in the mines, it was traumatizing, even though my father didn't meet death there. I really wished he had.

Madge didn't wear her usual attire, instead, she wore an expensive white dress, her blonde hair up with a pink ribbon. Reaping clothes. I felt my face scrunch up, that day was supposed to be a form of celebration. It's more of a way for the capitol to show who's in control.

We were being punished for the crimes of the people who failed, disguised as some form of celebration. It's disgusting.

"Pretty dress," Gale complimented. Madge shoots him a look, trying to see if it's genuine or if he was just being ironic. It was a pretty dress, but it was a waste.

She smiled, "Well, if I'm going to the Capitol, I want to look nice, don't I?"

I clenched my jaw, "But you won't be going to the Capitol," I said coolly, my voice monotone. My eyes landed on a small, circular pin on her dress. Real gold. The testament to the fact that she probably won't be chosen. "You probably have five entries, compared to us, that's a blessing."

"That's not her fault," Katniss said. Madge looked slightly hurt, probably because I've never really spoken my thoughts to her, I try my best to be polite when she engages a conversation with me.

"I know," I responded plainly. Madge smiled towards me, though it was clear it wasn't exactly genuine. She then handed the money for the berries. She looked towards Katniss "Good luck, Katniss"

"You too," She responded.

We walked toward the Seam, I can't help but feel angry. Her? Going to the Capitol? What a joke. When you're twelve your name gets put in the pile once, thirteen twice then so on. Up until your eighteen, where your name is entered seven times.

But the thing is, the rich have an advantage. You can enter your name willingly in the pile when you're starving in exchange for some tesserae. I had been doing this since I was twelve, having entered my name 3 times, for my mother, brother and myself.  Every year following suite, it has always been like this.

Now at the age of 16, I've entered my name twenty times, same with Katniss. Gale was in even greater danger, with a number of forty-two.

And she'll be the tribute this year? It can happen but it's deadly slim. I knew Gale felt the same way, listening to him rant about tesserae in the woods with Katniss was enough confirmation, along with the fact that I join in on the rants. Always end it with a promise to destroy the Capitol, somehow.

But what good does that do us?

Gale, Katniss and I divide our spoils, though it wasn't really the evenest distribution.  Gale got more, understandably since he has more mouths to feed.

"See you guys in the square," Katniss said, Gale nodded, "Wear something pretty," he joked.

I decided to stop by the bakery, by then the witch should be home but I took my chances. There was Mr Mellark, sitting outside, watching the pigs. He saw me from the corner of his eye, he grinned. "Greyback!' he called.

"Mr Mellark, still up for some squirrel?" I ask, holding the fat one up. He nodded, "You're lucky my wife isn't here, yet. Hold on, I'll get the bread for Kunal," he said, rushing inside.

I walked to the backdoor of the bakery so that he wouldn't trouble himself that much. I waited awkwardly outside, looking at a small bird fluttering about. I whistled, holding my finger out.

The bird landed on my finger, making me smile. From the corner of my eye, I saw a boy, blonde, stocky. Could probably kill me, if I'm being honest. Even though I was fast, I wasn't strong.

Soon enough, the bird flew away with the arrival of the baker, with a loaf of sweet, savoury bread, hot from the oven. "Here you go, Greyback."

I nodded, handing him the squirrel. "Oh!" he hummed, "Have you met my son, Peeta?" he asked, a smile on his face, "You're in the same year, yes?"

I didn't know what to say. Sure, I know him but I don't know that well him that well. My eyes travelled to the boy, who simply waved and briskly walked away. "I don't think so," I answered.

"I better be going, Mr Mellark. Nal needs his favourite bread after all," I said, flashing a small smile before I left. A small pit of dread boiled in my stomach, something bad is going to happen.

But then again, it's Reaping day, nothing good ever happens.

Word count: 1.3k

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@nin3s

:)))

[gwynrielendgame]

Nyx and Isa part 4

I am feeling very uninspired these days yall. Good news though, I got a job 🥳🥳 woohoo.

"You two can go wander through the gardens now, if you'd like. Violet why don't you go with them? Someone needs to keep them out of trouble."

It was as much a dismissal if Nyx ever heard one. He rolled his eyes, but stood to leave anyways.

"I would actually like to listen in. If I am to be high lady some day, best I hear it all."

Nyx's parents shared a look. Whatever they wanted to discuss with Tamlin and the rest of the family was not information they wanted his daughter to know. Must be something about her.

"Very well. Nyx could you check on your sister, Velaris? I haven't heard from her all week."

Nyx was annoyed that he was being dismissed once again to check on his oldest sister, of all people, even though Isa was allowed to stay. She was much less trustworthy than him. He turned to leave with his younger sister in tow, but a snicker from Isa made him send a quick glare in her direction.

"Yes, run along now. Like the good little prince you are."

The sarcasm might as well have bit his skin. The entire room stopped their small talk to re-assess the situation before them. The last anyone had heard, Nyx and Isa had resolved any conflict from the recent fight they had. Although neither of them had spoken since Isa had revealed what she gave to protect Nyx.

"Stop this, Isa. Petty arguments do not become you."

"Oh look at prince Nyx. Once again taking the moral high ground. Shocker considering who your parents are."

"Did we...miss something?" Lucien interjected, clearly to lighten the mood which had zero effect on the arguing pair. They continued their banter as if Lucien never even spoke.

"You want to talk to me about my parents? What about yours? Your father abused my mother, only to impregnate, who I can only assume by your own standards, is a vile, evil witch."

She sucked in a harsh breathe. She told that to him in confidence and now he was throwing it back in her face. His anger fueled harder than his guilt. Nyx had walked back to the table at this point where he stood, glaring at his friend.

"Once again you stand on some moral high ground. The world is not black and white, Nyx. Your mother would like to convince you otherwise though, no? Must be her savior complex."

Her accent was much heavier with how vehemently she was talking. Feyre decided it was best to intervene.

"Okay, why don't you two separate and cool off. Obviously, emotions are running high."

Once again, the pair ignored anyone else speaking to them.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Isa. I am not the one that sold off my unborn first child, so of course, you do not have many moral qualms." Nyx threw back at her. She rolled her nose up in disgust.

"Would you have rather I let you die?"

"I am glad I am not dead, but what you were willing to give up for me is not something I would be willing to do for you." He crossed his arms. She scoffed.

"Maybe you should have mentioned that before you had sex with me!" She threw a roll from her plate at him. He let it bounce off his head with a roll of his eyes.

"Oof" Violet muttered while glancing anywhere but at the pair sparring off at the dinner table.

"Do not act as if I tricked you into that! I have been crystal clear about us. I am waiting for my mate, which you are not."

"Nyx," his mother tried to interject once again, but Isa stopped her.

"How do you know that? How do you know I am not your mate? The bond is hard to sense before it has snapped into place." Everyone recognized the desperation in her voice. She was pleading with him to love her in the way that she loved him. Unfortunately, it was also clear to everyone that Nyx was rather indifferent towards Isa as a romantic partner.

"Come on Isa! Be realistic. Our parents did not work out for a reason." He tried to reason. He thought they had just been having a bit of fun. Must have meant much more to Isa than she had been admitting to him.

"Perhaps you do share too much with your mother. Your self-righteousness is certainly straight from her handbook." She lashed out. Nyx recognized her feelings were hurt and that was the reason she was saying the nasty things she was. That did not mean it kept him from getting just as angry.

"Well, I am not the only one who takes after my parents. You are exactly like your father." He spit at her.

Nyx was tired of listening to her discuss his parents in such a way. She wanted to play rough? Well then he would play along.

"What is that meant to mean?"

"You are an entitled bitch who does not seem to understand when someone does not love you back. That's what I mean."

She flinched at his harsh words and he automatically wished he could take them back. She retook her seat, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. They both remembered what she accidentally admitted to him and the words he had not said back. He was breathing heavy from his own vehement yelling, but now as he looked around, he felt regret. It felt wrong to air out their grievances among family and friends, especially when he threw so much back in her face.

"Yikes..." Violet unhelpfully broke the awkward silence that had engulfed the room. Nyx noticed at the same time as everyone else that the table was shaking. It started to shake so much that he thought an earthquake was hitting Velaris. It was not until Tamlin spoke up that everyone realized who, instead of what, was making the table shake.

"Calm down, Isa."

She took a slow shakey breath. One lone tear fell down her cheek which she roughly wiped away. Nyx wanted to wrap her in a hug and apologize, but he stuck in his spot as her tattoos began to glow. They often glowed when she was using her witch magic, but never like this. This was bright, almost blinding when her normal glow was a light luminance.

"I am trying." She spoke softly. "I just want it to stop." Her hands went to her head and started clawing at her temples.

Nyx was not sure what she wanted to stop, but one glance around the room told him that this meant trouble. He wanted to help his friend, but no one moved a muscle and his father sent him a look that kept Nyx from speaking. Tamlin's reaction was even worse. He looked scared. Whether that was for his own life or because his daughter was in danger, Nyx would never know.

"Isabelle, stop."

"I can't." The word broke off at the end as she finally opened her eyes. They were glistening with tears and her expression would haunt Nyx until his last days. It all seemed to happen in slow motion. Tamlin propelled forward, over the table. He wrapped Violet in an embrace as they fell to the floor.

And then a gust of power broke every piece of glass in the room. Every window, wine glass, and vase shattered. The power from Azriel's siphons reached out at the last minute and protected Nyx and Lucien from the blast of power. Nyx was still thrown into the wall from the sheer force of it. He managed to look over at his parents to see his dad protecting his mom. Tamlin must have known what was going to happen before it did because he reached Violet a second before it happened.

"Knock her out!" Tamlin yelled. "Before her eyes change."

Nyx looked up to see that Isa was still crying, but a swirl of power encircled her. She had sunk to her knees on the floor at this point and she still gripped her head as if it hurt. The power was unlike anything he had ever seen, so he assumed it must be her witch power. He knew he should get up and talk to her, but he did not want to make it worse. He watched as Lucien attempted to physically get to her, but the gust knocked him away. Both his parents tried using their daemati powers. Nyx was afraid of what would happen if that did not work. Tamlin shoved Violet behind a couch before approaching his daughter.

"Isa, you can control it. You have done it before. Focus."

She began shaking her head wildly.

"Get out of my head!" She screeched.

"I can't get in Tamlin. Whatever is happening is too powerful." Nyx wondered who was inside Isa's head if not his parents.

"Use your Night power to knock her out." Tamlin gritted his teeth as he slowly inched his way toward her. It was a physical feat unlike any other because the wind was powerful enough to keep Nyx on the ground.

"I can't. She's disarmed our fae magic."

Nyx tried to conjure his own magic, only to realize his dad was right. He did not think it was possible without the use of faebane. Isa had mentioned being able to temporarily disable fae magic, but she claimed the cost was too high for witches to use it often. He was worried she would end up killing herself before the night was over.

"Isa!" He started. As soon as he spoke, the power surrounding her intensified. "I am sorry. I did not mean it." He took a few tentative steps towards her even after his dad called out a warning. It was difficult due to the wind, but he managed to get close enough that his shouts were heard by her.

"I was lashing out because you hurt my feelings." The power started to ebb as she raised her head from her hands. "You are my friend and I did not mean to hurt you."

She looked at him for a second, her guard dropped, and when she blinked, her eyes opened again, completely black as the finest spun silk in all of the night court.

Fuck is all he could think.

Tamlin used the split second she was distracted by Nyx to make his move. She was in his grasp and being winnowed away before anything else could be said.

"Shit." His mother muttered from her spot on the ground.

"What the hell was that?" Azriel looked to Lucien for answers as he stood from the ground. It appeared everyone had been knocked to the ground from the force of her magic. Lucien wiped away blood from his forehead that kept pouring into his one good eye.

"How many witch, high lord children have you heard of?"

"None." Azriel grimaced. If he had not heard of it before, then it was likely few and far between that held that same heritage.

"Emotion is a highly sought after price by the spirits. Not many witches are willing to trade their emotions for the aid of the spirits. They feed on it which is why the children are so dangerous. They are one tantrum from killing their entire coven. Why do you think their numbers dwindle?"

"She's had how many years to get this under control?" Rhysand quipped back sarcastically only to get a withering look from Lucien.

"No amount of time prepares you for your first heart break. Especially when the cause of that embarrasses you in front of another court by declaring he does not love you back." Lucien gave a pointed look to Nyx with narrowed eyes.

"Not my finest moment." Nyx cringed as he thought back to all he said. Nyx walked back to Violet to help her up from behind the couch.

"The spirits feed on her emotions. She let her guard down, but they cannot take without giving. They gave her too much power to control with her emotions as tumultuous as they were. The more negative the emotion? The more all-consuming and dangerous that power becomes." Lucien explained. Although it hardly made any sense to Nyx.

"How can they feed if she does not call on them? Why do they not feed on our emotions?" Violet asked as she wiped dirt from her dress.

"The tattoos, a price she has paid for a past use of witch magic, acts as a tracking device. Much like you build mind barriers to keep other Daemati out, Isa needs to keep her barriers in place to prevent the spirits from taking freely. The tattoos call to spirits when they glow and the loss of her mind barrier allowed them in without her permission. As for the reason they do not feed on our emotions? Unsure. Isa jokes that regular fae emotions must taste bad." Lucien finally grabbed a napkin to press to the wound above his eye. He muttered an apology to Feyre for ruining it.

"Why did she not kick them out once she realized?" Feyre asked instead of responding to his apology.

"She probably did not realize she was giving her emotions freely to the spirits. They rewarded her with power. Mix in some fae magic, shape shifting abilities, and boom you have an uncontrollable dangerous cocktail in the form of a small female."

"The eyes?" Azriel quietly mentioned with raised brows. His shadows were moving erratically all around him.

"That is not up for discussion along with her mother." Lucien sent Nyx a glare.

"I know it was a low blow." He admitted. He would apology as soon as he was allowed.

"Isa loves her mother very much. You can love a person and despise their actions. Right Feyre?" It was an accusing statement. Everyone could see what Lucien was insinuating. His mother at some point or another loved Tamlin even if she pretended she never had. Feyre only rolled her eyes, but Rhysand sent a glare of his own back to Lucien.

"I should apologize. I do love her." Nyx felt the need to admit to everyone. "Just not in the way that she wants." He threw himself down on the couch. Violet followed his lead and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Not now. The reason witches do not readily offer their emotions is because it leaves them numb. It is a very unpleasant feeling and will be like talking to a wall." Lucien grimaced. Nyx assumed Lucien was thinking of the last time it happened.

"Has this happened before?" Azriel inquired.

"When her mother died. That's it." Lucien shrugged and dropped the napkin.

"I didn't know. I never meant to hurt her." Nyx felt the need to explain himself, but found there were no words to do so.

"If I know Isa, all she wanted to hear was that you care for her in some capacity."

"She knows that." Nyx insisted. He rested his head on top of his sisters. He was suddenly overcome with exhaustion unlike any other.

"Does she? Cause you had me fooled otherwise tonight." Lucien quickly winnowed away after that. A look around the room showed disapproving looks from everyone.

*****

"Thank you for coming." Tamlin shifted awkwardly in his chair. The Night Court inner circle looked on from their respective chairs in what Nyx assumed must be the formal sitting room. His parents, himself, and his sister squished together on one couch. Azriel took an arm chair to the left of Tamlin and the last chair remained unclaimed. Nyx stared at the chair as if he could make her appear simply from his stare.

"How is she?" Rhysand cleared his throat to ask. Tamlin gave a tight smile.

"Fine." He paused, debating whether he should say the next thing. "We lifted the ward on this room. If things should get out of hand today, you may winnow away."

Feyre narrowed her eyes at him.

"I thought you said she had it under control."

Tamlin sighed heavily and slouched in his chair. He rubbed at his temples as if this entire meeting exhausted him.

"You will see that you are in no danger. It is just a precaution."

Azriel went to say something, but stopped and looked towards the door. It was utterly silent. A few minutes later, Isa walked through the door with her head down. She looked...bad. In the kindest way possible because Nyx knew she had been through a lot mentally. It had clearly taken a toll on her physically. She shuffled to the last available seat without making eye contact. When she finally looked up, Nyx's heart lurched. She was pale with dark circles under her eyes. Her cheeks had sunken in from weight loss, leaving her looking like she consisted only of skin and bone. It was jarring considering how solidly built she had been previously. She had always been muscular; now though, he saw no hint of it. Her dress must have been fitted to her recently since it fit her well. It was a light green color similar to her eyes and flowed around her like a wedding dress. She might look beautiful if she did not look so sick. Nyx made eye contact with his sister's wide, shocked eyes. A quiet gasp left his mother's lips. Isa tried a small smile, but Nyx noticed her fingers nervously traced the new tattoos on her other hand.

"I apologize for my little display last week." She started. "I thought I had a better grip on my powers. Obviously not. I have spoken with my coven on the matter and I will be returning home for additional training."

Nyx contemplated whether he should speak or not. Last time they only exchanged spiteful words. He did not want those words to be the last she heard from him. He cleared his throat.

"Does your coven know about the first born debacle?" He felt it was a neutral enough of a statement. Isa replied simply.

"No."

"It is best if that is never discussed aloud." Tamlin interjected.

"How long will you be gone?" Violet asked. They had become friends as well and his sister looked sad at the prospect of her leaving.

"Until I need to claim my position as High Lady." Isa stared at her hands as she spoke. Violet gasped at the information.

"But that could be hundreds of years!"

Nyx frowned. He thought it might take Isa a few months to lose interest in himself and then they could return to just being friends. This seemed extreme, but perhaps they could still visit each other every once in a while. Isa only shrugged. Nyx felt dread at Isa's lack of emotional display. She had been rather devoid of anything else. The effects of the spirits must be taking more of a toll than anyone else assumed.

"That will leave you unprepared for your role as high lady. You do not have many allies or friends," Azriel started what appeared to be an oddly placed reprimand. "You should use all the time you have to form relationships with the other courts and possible emissaries."

"Lucien said he would help me when I first take over."

"That is not enough." Rhysand agreed as him and Tamlin shared a look.

"You will help me, no?" She asked.

"We may not have the time to devote to helping you run your court." Feyre said. Isa's eyes slid past Nyx's and landed on Violet's.

"I could help." His sister offered with a smile that looked so similar to their mother's.

"It would be very much appreciated." Isa tried to give a smile of her own but it only succeeded in showing how miserable this past week has been for her.

"You may want to consider marriage." Azriel felt the need to mention. "You will be at a disadvantage when you return, but a well aligned marriage could work. The prince of the Summer Court is unmarried, but you may find yourself at war with Amren over him. There is a princess of the Summer court that may be interested." His shadows tucked in tight to him.

"I shall consider that. Thank you for the advice, spymaster." No hint of her accent could be heard. Nyx realized she was focusing on disguising the accent in order to focus her attention. Her eyes kept wandering around the room as though she could not keep focus on the current conversation.

Tamlin appeared to nudge Isa subtly. He gave her a stern look before she turned back to look at Feyre.

"I apologize for the things I said about you." She said barely above a whisper. Feyre gave her a soft look which must have urged her to keep going. "Sometimes I feel angry at you because I see a life I could have had. With you as my mom. It is not fair, but it is true." Nyx could see tears in his mother's eyes that she quickly blinked away.

"I understand that sometimes we say things we do not mean. Right, Nyx?" Feyre gave her son a look. She was giving him an opening to say his piece while simultaneously avoiding responding to Isa. He should tell Isa that he did not mean it.

"Isa, I do love you. Just not in the way you are wanting." He tried to make eye contact with her so that she knew he was speaking the truth, but she did not look up from her hands.

"Okay." She gave a simple shrug.

Nyx felt his eyes brows furrowed at that. He was not sure what he expected her reaction to be, but something more than that. It made him feel something he was not ready to admit. And at this point, would never admit.

"Okay?" He asked with raised eyebrows. Isa was still refusing to look up at him, so he look towards his father who kept signaling with his eyes to go and comfort her.

"Yes, I understand I cannot make someone love me." The bland delivery of the words encouraged Nyx to move towards her. He kneeled before her in her chair and grabbed her hands, forcing her to look at him.

"I do love you." He emphasized. He did not want this to get lost in the mess of everything else. Something about that seemed to spark something in her eyes though. The sight of it made Nyx relieved.

"Not in the vay I vant to be loved. Not in the vay I dezerve to be loved." Her accent was extremely heavy and she began to grip his hands back just as strongly as he was holding hers. Tears gathered in her eyes but they did not fall.

"I vill no longer give you more than you dezerve, Nyx." And with that declaration, the last of her fight left her. She softly pulled her hands away and stood up. Her eyes were blank once more.

"I apologize once again for putting your lives at risk. It will not happen again."

And then she was drooping back to her room with slows steps.

"That went...well." Violet offered unhelpfully. "Right?"

[lunerbean]

The Signs as... things I wish I could say to them.

Aries: I'm happy to see that you're experiencing some great personal growth and spiritual development right now. You're still using people though. You're still seeking out others to help carry the burden of your emotional baggage. I believe in your own strength. I believe you're able to build a healthy enough relationship with yourself and with your past to stop needing others to shoulder your burdens for you. I would still like to give you that tattoo we talked about 6 years ago.

Taurus: I love you very much, you're kind and you're trying your best. But you're also stuck in this rut of anxiety and fear and you're finding any excuse to blame someone/something else. You want to avoid the truth. You don't like to admit that you're scared. Well, you do, technically, but you never admit what you're truly scared of. You'll make jokes or you'll make excuses or you'll get angry. But you won't admit the darker truth behind all of that. At least, not out loud. Also, your socks are not where they should be. No, silly, not those ones. The other ones. The ones you've forgotten about... or have you?

Gemini: You have more value and worth than you're giving yourself credit for. Your self esteem is shit, I can see that from a mile away. But you're so very worthy of all the good in your life. You deserve to love yourself unconditionally. You deserve to advocate for yourself. It's okay to tell people to treat you the way you want to be treated. Thanks for the butter lettuce that one time. That was dope.

Cancer: Holy fuck I'm really hurt by my cancer-ex right now, so I shouldn't even do this one. He was such a piece of shit. He literally lied to everyone about- okay, okay, I'll stop. I'll focus on other cancer energies around me and snip the connection with Evil Ex. *deep breath* okay, Cancers who haven't stolen $1,500 from me & cut my mattress in half: You're doing fine. You're doing great. You've been working towards some huge things in your life right now and I'm so proud of you. You may not feel like you're getting as far as those around you, but you're not even competing in the same race. Your journey is entirely your own. You're going at the perfect pace to complete it, because it's your pace.

Leo: People cannot and will not fall madly in love with you after the first moment they meet you. I promise you, this is not a Disney movie. You are holding these expectations of popularity and love from all high above the water while you're drowning in it. Focus on yourself. Focus on your mental health and your journey to self-acceptance. There's no clock that controls love. You have time. Stop tossing aside your boundaries just because someone makes you feel special. Your support system is filled with love for you. But one of them is kinda hungry right now. She could really use a vegan milkshake omg that sounds delicious right now please please please.

Virgo: Who the fuck is even a virgo? I don't know a single virgo, stop lying. No one has ever been born between... what even is it, again? August 23rd?? To September 22nd??? Yeah fucking right. As if those dates even exist. Ridicul- oh fuck Jenna Marbles is a virgo. Okay. But that's the only one. Everyone else was lied to about their birthday. August only has 22 days and September doesnt even start until the 23rd.

Libra: Your past can only define you for so long. You can only blame your childhood and your upbringing in so many situations until you need to take a step back and realize you're in control of yourself. It's your responsibility to unlearn toxic thing you've grown up around. It's your responsibility to fight past ugly narratives that your family has spun about the world. It's a lot bigger than your home town, I can promise you that much. You're capable of change. But it is YOUR responsibility to make that happen. Did you know Tom Selleck is a Libra? Well if you said yes, you're being silly. That wasn't true at all. I don't even know Tom's birthday.

Scorpio: You have been in some toxic relationships. I am so sorry for the things that your ex(es) have put you through. I'm sorry for the way it still effects you so strongly. But not wanting partners to "control you" does not mean they're not allowed to have boundaries. There is a difference between control and self-preservation. They are entitled to having boundaries in a relationship. Wash your face masks more often, okay bud?

Sagittarius: Hey, you're very special to me. I love and care about you very much. You have an unhealthy need for control of a situation. You're also pretty bad with your money. But that's not my business. By the way, how's that injury doing? The one you got a little bit ago? Oof. That was rough. I hope you're recovering well. I think it should be okay.

Capricorn: Oof. Lmao.

Capricorn 2: hahaha that last one was just a joke. I thought you wouldn't find it funny at all and that's exactly why I did it. Anyways, I meant it. I wondered for awhile why you kept avoiding people. Why you kept hiding away and pretending to just be ~busy~ but I understand now. They told me everything. Part of me wishes that I didn't know. Another part wishes I had known sooner. It doesn't matter. You won't talk about it either way.

Aquarius: Your emotional burdens could never be written by hollywood. People would tell your story, perfectly in every detail, and the audience would scowl. "Unrealistic" they would say. "It made no sense!" The crowd would shout. "That was entirely impossible." That one man in the front row would claim. They'd all be wrong. You've really been through the works, haven't you. I just looked up Tom Sellek's birthday. Did you know he is an Aquarius? Don't tell Libra. I want it to be a surprise :)

Pisces: I think it's time you talked with the people closest to you. You've been an emotional support person for too long. You're freying at the ends. You may think you're good at setting boundaries, but like... honestly? You're pretty shit at it. Look at your family. Right?? Now look at your friends. Not as bad, sure, but still. Goddamn. You deserve better than this. Also, please don't forget to pick up that thing from the store. Ugh. Fuck. What was it? I have it written down somewhere, I swear! Dammit. Candles? Right but there was something else too.... ugh. Hopefully it'll come to you later, idk good luck.

[princeescaluswords]

"That’s why it was abuse; because it wasn’t a disagreement. He beat me to feel better, just like Stiles did to you."

Reading the fic and this stuck out. I have a problem supporting the Sciles friendship for this reason. Every indication is that this was a long standing pattern between Scott and Stiles. Even in the first episode when Stiles mocked Scott's desire to join the team. Then when he punished Scott on multiple occasions for failing to do something they Stiles thought he should have. The power imbalance was always there, but when Scott became a werewolf it seemed like Stiles upped the ways he could punish him and it was all to have Stiles make himself feel better.

You're right, and you should say it.

To give the other readers some insight into what @camelotpark is talking about, the line above is from my fanfiction Enemies to Peace. It's one of my earliest multi-chaptered works and I would write it differently now, but I'm still proud of it. In it, Stiles's assault on Scott in the hospital corridor doesn't go without consequence.

But I wanted to grapple with something this morning, because I often believe that people don't understand what exactly I find wrong with that scene in The Last Chimera (5x11). Stiles attacking Scott because his father's condition has taken turn for the worse and physically attacking him is an overreaction, but it is an understandable overreaction. The problem with it, for me, is the entitlement that accompanies it.

You see, Stiles's assault on Scott and the rage he expresses for his father being hurt is presented in the show as emotional catharsis. Stiles is angry with Scott, that's true, but his accusations "Where were you? You trusted him. You believed him. Right, huh? So, where were you? Where the hell were you?" apply just as equally to Stiles, and he knows it.  When he attacks a half-dead Scott, he's not attacking just Scott for what Scott did, he's attacking Scott for what Stiles did.

(And even though I know this isn't going to stop them from filling my inbox, those words do apply to Stiles just as much. When Theo said "'Cause you can't help Scott and save your dad's life," in Status Asthmaticus (5x10), Stiles did trust and believe Theo, because he didn't try to help Scott at all, choosing his father. Of course, his father is still dying, even after Stiles listened to Theo's words.)

Why does this bother me? It's instructive to look at two incidences where Scott acted in anger towards others and how that was handled by the show: Scott's attack on Jackson in Restraint (2x07) and Scott throwing Isaac into walls in Anchors (3x13). I've chosen not to discuss the two season one episodes where Scott hurt Jackson in response to Jackson's bullying in Second Chance at First Line (1x02) and Scott hurting Danny in Lunatic (1x08) because the first was like the week after Scott got Bit and the second was during the next full moon when he had no anchor. I've chosen not to talk about Scott violating Corey in Ouroboros (5x08) because that wasn't a pure expression of anger towards Corey, but rather an unethical means to an end.

I'm not going to look at the second two because in both situations there was a supernatural reason for Scott to be out of control, and I want to look at times where he let his anger -- not his lycanthropic bloodlust or his desire to save lives -- move him.

In Restraint, Scott comes into the boy's locker room to find a naked Jackson -- whom he knows is the kanima and responsible for at least four deaths so far -- on top of Allison on the ground. He responds angrily and aggressively to a direct threat to someone he cares about. In Anchors, while he is suffering from the affects of the Nemeton ritual, he is still in control when he throws Isaac up against the wall twice due to Isaac's continued interest in Allison. These are instances in which Scott gives into negative emotions and over-reacts.

So what's the difference between these two assaults and Stiles's assault?

Scott experiences the remonstration of others, both immediately and later on.  Allison and Stiles immediately tell Scott that he shouldn't act on his anger towards Jackson in Restraint. Victoria later tells him directly that acting like that could cause serious danger to himself and the people he cares about. Melissa immediately scolds Scott in Anchors, telling him to knock it off and that he shouldn't be doing that. Later on, she lectures him on controlling himself because he needs to accept that he is no longer together with Allison. Scott's expression of anger is both immediately countered and discussed later on as something he isn’t allowed to do.

And Stiles? Stiles is never told he was wrong to hit Scott. Not by Melissa, not by the police officer standing there, not by a doctor, even though every single person can see that Scott is wounded. Nor does his shitty father tell him that he shouldn't take his anger out on others. The entire narrative acts as if Stiles is entitled to hurt others. He's entitled to be angry and use that anger; it’s something he’s allowed to do.

And that narrative thrust has consequences when a white boy is treated as entitled to express anger and the Latino hero is treated as if he's a monster because he doesn't coddle his enemies. Does anyone in the fandom scold Stiles for beating and threatening Theo in Status Asthmaticus? Does anyone in the fandom wish he hadn't been so nasty towards Theo in Amplification (5x15)? No. That's ridiculous. Yet there are parts of the fandom that hold Scott accountable for saying that Theo is barely human while Theo is in the process of murdering him and go nuts about Scott hesitating to help Theo right after Theo tried to kill him again in Apotheosis (5x20).

The entitlement given to Stiles in the show -- to hit, to be cruel, to lie -- has consequences when it comes to audience reaction. It's yet another double standard allowed by the production and celebrated by the fandom. I have problems with that, as well.

[mystic-shadows42]

Only You {Part 2}

Warnings: Language and sexual references

After sleeping over at Roman’s house, everything seemed better. Roman didn’t exactly apologize for his behavior, but he was trying to make it up to you.

As soon as you two hit school ground and he dropped you off at your first class, he dispersed. He was doing what he usually does. Making the most of his high school days being a horny teen.

Once classes were over, Beatrice approached you.

“Hey, do you know where Roman’s at?” She inquired while glancing around the halls.

“No, why?”

“Can you give him this?” She handed you a piece of paper.

“Sure.” It was strange that she wanted you to give this little paper to Roman. She never asked about Roman before or cared unless he was present.

“Thanks,” she smiled then left.

You looked at the piece of paper and unraveled it. It’s not as if she didn’t want you to look at it. You felt entitled to, you were Roman’s best friend.

A piece of paper isn’t exactly discrete. It had her number on it and said, ‘Thanks for a good time.’

You couldn’t help but feel angry at Roman. He always did this. He always screwed the girls that were becoming your friends.

Did he have no sense of self-control? He always made things weird once he sleeps with your friends.

It was never about friendship anymore, it was more questions.

How’s Roman doing? Did you talk to him about me? What’s he like when he’s not having sex? Have you slept with him? Why does he only associate with you?

The list goes on.

Then you had to stop hanging out with them because all they would talk about was Roman. They’d only associate themselves with you for him.

They wouldn’t be much of a friend after that.

This was why Roman, Letha, Peter, and Shelley were your only friends.

You took out your phone and called Roman right away.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Why’d you screw Beatrice?” You asked getting straight to the point.

“I was just having fun.”

Well, he certainly didn’t hesitate to deny it.

“You having fun is costing me, friends. God! Why do you always do this?” You yelled into the phone then hung up on him not wanting to hear the smartass remarks that he’d say.

You decided to hitch a ride with Letha and her dad. She saw how upset you were and questioned what was wrong.

“It’s nothing. Just Roman being a self-indulgent prick.”

“What’d he do now?”

You sighed and explained to her what had transpired between Beatrice and Roman. Even sweet Letha muttered a few words about her cousin.

“Roman means well you know that. He has a hard time expressing how he feels when people find others to spend time with.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think he’s only been sleeping with the girls you hang out with because he doesn’t want you to form friendships with them.”

“Why? He can make better use of his time doing something else.”

You didn’t quite understand. Was Roman somehow trying to sabotage you?

“Roman gets jealous easily. You’re the only friend he has besides Peter now.”

“Letha, Roman’s here!” Norman yelled from downstairs.

“Great,” you said exasperatedly.

“You have to face him at some point.”

“I didn’t want to face him today. At least not now.”

“Quit being a child. He won’t know what’s on your mind if you don’t tell him. Remember communication is important.”

She held your shoulders giving you an encouraging smile. Letha left her room and closed it behind her, allowing you to have time to yourself before confronting Roman.

You composed yourself taking deep breaths then finally headed out to see him. Of course, when you saw him he was all smiles talking to Letha.

Outside he was picture-perfect but you knew all too well that Roman harvested some demons.

Letha turned the conversation to you.

“It’s apparent that you two need to talk.”

Roman looked at you shrugging his shoulders still smiling.

“So you seemed a little upset on the phone. Then you hung up on me. That was rude.” He cracked a smile trying to make light of the situation.“What’s the big deal?” He questioned.

“I want to have other friends besides you Roman and every time I try to form relationships, you go and bang them,”

“I’m giving them a good time.”

“That can’t always be your excuse. I don’t like talking to you when you put up your persona.”

He pulled you back in a grip that you knew you couldn’t escape from.

“Hey, I know I can be an ass. I’m sorry for taking advantage of your friends, but if they were truly your friends they wouldn’t make this about me, they’d make it about you.”

“I just wish you could take responsibility without defending yourself with a but in a sentence.”

“I like having sex but,” he emphasized, “I like having you as a friend more.”

He looked into your eyes letting you see that he truly meant what he said.

“I’m still irritated with you.”

He moved your hair back from your face pouting his lips.

“I know you are. That’s why I’m going to make it up to you. I’ll make you feel better.”

He gave you a soft smile and offered his hand out to you. You didn’t know what it was about Roman Godfrey but he could always make a bad day good. You just couldn’t stay mad at him, no matter how hard you tried.

[linkspooky]

Can you please explain Shigaraki's feelings in the last chapter? What did talking to Hana mean to him? Did he hate his mother? And where Nana was from, he literally knew her from the photo.

alright symbolism time.

Shigaraki walks down a pathway that is made up of decayed parts of a house in front of, behind, and breaking into pieces around him. He looms far above a cityscape in the background. Also significant is the number of severed hands that are breaking into dust as they reach out towards Shigaraki Tomura. 

There’s several important images associated with this, so let’s just break them down one by one. 

The Hands

Eri who suffered incredibly similiar abuse to Shimura Tenko reflected this when Midoriya reached out a kind and helping hand out to her. That every hand that had ever reached out to her before that point was only to use her, or harm her but Midoriya’s hand was different. Midoriya’s hand was kind, and that was the first time a person reached out to her in such a way. She didn’t know anything else before that point. 

Hands, are symbols of heroes saving people. However, in this society not everybody gets saved. While hands are a universal symbol of reaching out to lend a helping hand to someone else, they don’t mean that for Shigaraki. 

Shigaraki lived through a situation where if just one person had extended a helping hand things would be different, but nobody did and because of that Shigaraki can’t believe hands are meant to save people. He sees hands in the cityscape but the hands are slowly decaying away, because he doesn’t believe a single one of those hands is going to help them.

Consider the situation as well. The heroes are not here to help him. He’s a thing that they need to kill. Shigaraki’s heart stopped last chapter, but even though heroes aren’t supposed to kill people the hero attending him makes no attempt to recessitate him.

The heroes who save people aren’t even attempting any kind of CPR. Like, if a prisoner gets sick, the prison guards aren’t supposed to go whatever he’s a crimminal and just let him die. If a suspect gets injured in a police chase, the police are SUPPOSED to call an ambulance. This raid has shown us two instances already, first with Hawks and now with Shigaraki that heroes are perfectly willing to kill people. There is nobody here to save Shigaraki, no single person in the world had extended a helping hand out to him, even the heroes just see him as a thing to be destroyed. 

Which is why it should be no surprise at all that Shigaraki walks towards the one person who shows him a hand. 

His Family

What’s important is in the feelings towards his family Shigaraki deliberately contradicts what he said earlier. 

Shigaraki narrates that he hated everyone in that household. That he wanted them to crumble away. That he hated them, and therefore some of his quirk activating and decaying them must have been on purpose. 

However, when actually confronted with them and speaking with them Shigaraki deliberately contradicts this. He says he’s built up hatred and resented his sister, but when talking with her in a relaxed way he begins to say he’s already forgiven her. 

When his mother asks him about the itch, he not only reassures her that he’s fine but he also begins to return to the child he was again. 

Even when knew his father was behind him he doesn’t look at him hatefully at first. He smiles at his father, and then looks surprised when he sees his father’s hand disintegrate. 

Shigaraki’s narration says that all of his negative emotions piled up, leaving him no choice but to kill his family. However, that is a lie because when he’s shown his family’s loving side in his dream-like state he responds by becoming the gentleboy he once was. It’s only when confronted again with his father’s abusive hand that he becomes Shigaraki again TO PROTECT HIMSELF. 

Shigaraki’s claims that he hates his family, that he wanted to kill them are contradicted by how gently he behaves when talking to his mother and Hana. He was even about to tell Hana that he already forgave her, or at least that he wasn’t angry anymore. That’s very different then I still hate them after all this time and feel no guilt over their death, which is what we’re TOLD Shigaraki feels but are SHOWN something else entirely. 

His family calls him Tenko, and he becomes Tenko again. All for one calls him Tomura, and he snaps back into awareness and becomes Shigaraki Tomura once more. The question is if he doesn’t hate his family, doesn’t want to kill them why does he choose AFO over them?

The answer once again has to do with hands. His family love him, but they don’t care about him as a person. They don’t care about his wants and needs. Shigaraki is walking towards life, the only way to move forward, and his family demands that he stay dead. They deliberately try to chain him down because living is a villain is somehow WORSE than dying. Shigaraki is siding with AFO yes, but he’s also siding with the one person who said it was okay for him to live, to keep walking forward. 

Nana, and the rest of his family act so entitled to Shigaraki. They are the ones who mistreated him, but they also insist that he can’t forget about them. Shigaraki does love his family, but it’s also important to note that at the same time he doesn’t know the love of a family that accepts him for who he is. The hands that are supposed to reach out and take care of him, have always strangled him, held him down, beaten him and tried to control him. That’s why even if that family is trying to talk Shigaraki down from destruction, he can’t listen to them even now. 

Because they never asked what he wanted. They never thought about him as a person, his own individual needs as a person. They all acted selfishly. Nana acted selfishly when she decided to abandon her son and cut all ties with him, instead of giving up being a hero. Kotaro acted selfishly when he forced Shimura Tenko to give up his dream so Kotaro could keep having his ideal family that he had total control over and beat him when Tenko didn’t. The other members of his family cared more about the peace of the household then they did about Tenko’s own feelings. Every single person has been seflish and demanded something of him, and Tenko doesn’t really know the unconditional love and acceptance of a family because he’s so used to being denied by them. 

Shigaraki loves his family, but he hates the way they treat him. He hates how they make him seem so small, and make his needs feel like they’re not important. That’s the nuance. 

He doesn’t want to be denied. Of course he goes towards AFO. He thinks AFO is the one person who accepted him. He’s not going to turn his back on the one person who showed him a small form of acceptance, for the sake of people who never accepted him once. For Shigaraki hands aren’t there to help him, they’re there to hurt him and hold him back because he’s never been shown a genuine helping hand. 

As for why Nana is there she exists in the vestiges as some kind of consciousness. It might actually be the same Nana that shows up in OFA, because the two quirks are connected. Which is why Deku is made aware of the fact that Shigaraki woke up, because Shigaraki is the one who was passed the real AFO quirk, and therefore Nana existing in some form in both quirks most likely alerted Deku. 

There’s also a theory that Nana is the hand which grabs Shigaraki by the back of the head, which All for One had and gave to Shigaraki, because All for One was the one to kill Nana of course. That’s been pointed out by several people who are not me. 

[wolfhowlingdragonflyingsirensong]

spoilers

Since I recently played Life is Strange, which whoah, is totally an experience that I recommend to everyone, I’ve come to appreciate how well the game handles choices. It’s interesting how choices can seem meaningless good acts, like helping Alyssa avoid being hit, translates to her trusting Max enough for Max to save her. But, the game also points out how we can’t control consequences, since good deeds are done with nothing but good intentions can have fatal consequences, such as warning Victoria (and her believing you) leads to her murder, or the biggest good deed of them all, saving Chloe, leads to a storm that (can) kill lots of people. And ultimately, what’s cool is that every choice is canon, since Max it’s not a blank slate, meaning every choice the player makes is something Max considered. What do I mean with Max not being a blank slate? I mean regardless of your choices, Max likes waffles AND bacon and eggs. This is a minor example, but it serves for many things. Max can comfort Victoria or not, and later when they talk at the party regardless of your choice, Max at first is pretty angry, so she’s completely capable of standing up for herself and others. Max loves Chloe regardless of the player's feelings towards her. Max can be pretty uncaring or a literal angel, by Kate. And all of this is canon because even nice people contemplate not being nice all the time, even if it’s only a thought. This brings me to the ships topics. First of all, I’m glad that this game has non-ambiguous, non-sexualized, soft wlw romance (actually two counting BTS!) without the canon protagonist being turned evil or something, and I think that’s incredibly important. If the game had only Chloe as a love interest, I would totally get it and have no problem,  because the game is pretty much focused on their bond. Not that it matters to those who do, I personally don't ship it because I self-project (and I totally recognize it) on friendships I had in my youth that were a bit like Chloe and Max's friendship in the first episodes, and they were toxic. Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends and they were (are) good people. I like Chloe a lot, and there's no denying that there are strong feelings on Max's part for Chloe that are romantic, and it's up to the player to determine if Max is going to pursue Chloe. Denying it means that is both not reading Max's diary and erasing her sexuality. I write this because I don't want to seem like I don't ship them because I like Grahamfield, it's not that, I could very well be into both, and I think Chloe develops so much at the end of episode 5 that, while before I thought she was only in love with Rachel, at that point is totally understandable for me. If you ship Pricefield then that's awesome! You have all the canon content to back you up and a beautiful story of love with the childhood friends-to-lovers trope, can't get much better. Plus, the whole game is about their bond. It's incredibly well developed at the end mostly when you see Chloe growing out of her initial angry phase, and maturing in a beautiful way. So, shipping Grahamfield in this fandom sometimes feels like hey, you are a giant dick. I don't like hate on any ship or character (especially dunking on Chloe, because she's a representation of how trauma is not nice while actually being cool and kind, as well as being one of the few wlw canon protagonists), because both choices are completely canon, it's entirely up to the player. Again, if Chloe was the only canon love interest then that would be totally cool. Buuuut Max can choose to go on a date with Warren, write on his slate that he is cute, raise his grade (which can be done as a friendship thing only), help him in his experiment, kiss him, and if she does, she writes in his diary "I wanted one kiss from a boy I cared about", that to me, reads as having a canon interest in him too. And since Max is bisexual from what I understand, erasing that part doesn't sit well with me. Both Chloe and Warren have flaws, which hey is what happens with characters. Can you imagine having perfect characters? That would be so boring. He is a realistic 16-year-old boy to Max's 18 and Chloe's 19 years. He is extremely awkward, dorky, a little cringy, a boy with a harmless boy with a crush and that's normal at that age. He's helpful almost to a fault, and while some argue that's because he feels entitled, let me tell you, no niceGuy I've ever met has been so helpful if you don't give in, they don't back out after someone lets them down nicely, and he states his interest in Max clearly, and niceGuys don't tend to do that because they like to pine away and be angry that a girl didn't read his mind and magically fell in love with him. He believes Max from the get-go and helps her all the time, regardless of his feelings, which is like, basic decency, so if you want to call him a piece of shit I think that's going a little too far. If you want to take the words of others, Kate says he's a smart and silly cutie-pie with a good heart, suggests they take him with them to their tea-shop tour of Portland after everything and supports their date (besides them being friends, he brings her homework and is shown worried about her). I don't remember that part well, but I think Alyssa and Dana also support Grahamfield (and Brooke is very jealous!) so I think if he was an asshole they wouldn't be so supportive and Brooke wouldn't be into him, or Stella in another reality. My only point is that hey if you don't like him that's fine, but to call him a pervert or entitled or assholery is kinda uncalled for, to be honest, and using the nightmare sequence, in which EVERYONE is out of character (except Jeffershit) and shown being assholes, as a canon that he is bad seems to me like going out of your way. It's a nightmare for a reason, do you really think Kate would have said those things to Max if you save her? She's incredibly grateful. Or do you think Chloe would have done those things??? She would NEVER. Then why is Warren being treated as someone who would do those things for a nightmare? I don't get it. There are two myths regarding him: that he spies on Max and that he photoshopped a photo with them. First one, you can verify with mods that he can't see SHIT, he is merely waiting for her outside. Second, the photo is developed, not photoshopped, Max doesn't say hey we never took that photo, she merely is surprised he kept it. Now, he's a bit pushy when it comes to the drive-in (he acknowledges he's a pain in the booty), says like a stupid joke (a 16-year-old making stupid jokes, what a crime), and has that photo, which for some is crossing boundaries, and hey, that's fine. I, personally, just think a 16-year-old having a photo with his friend and crush is not creepy or bad. So, now that I'm over the ship discourse, which I hate but had to write to explain, I'm so glad this game brought so many interesting characters. My only complaint is that it felt a little too short when it came to other characters, I guess it's because the literal theme of the game is about abandoning youth and growing up as well, so that's because it's very focused on Chloe and Max's relationship, besides the romance. I adore Kate! I’m so happy we were able to save her, it was seriously one of the best moments I’ve ever seen in a game, I would have liked to see her future children’s book with Max’s photos, their tea sessions, and her coming back to school. I would love to have seen more of Stella, (a POC I think) that according to her words, faced an abusive home and poverty to end up studying in a prestigious school like Blackwell, busting her ass to work and yet being super cool and kind! I would have loved to see more of Daniel, how he faced bullying, how his home life is, his budding romance with Brooke, his future drawings. I would have loved to see more of Dana! How she dealt with abortion, a heavy topic, and yet she's super happy, nice, and in a loving relationship apparently. I would have liked to see more of Juliet's reporting skills, I feel like she could have been more important to the plot, or at least more exposés on bullying and the Prescotts. I would have loved to see more of Alyssa, what she likes, her relationships, etc. I would have loved to see more of Taylor! How her mom was doing, what steps was she going to take in not falling with the Vortex Club bullshit, her love for fashion, like Courtney. We didn't get to know Courtney at all I feel and I would have liked to! I would have liked to see more of Victoria, her insecurities, her relationship with her parents, her inner thoughts (she's totally bi too I bet), even her friendship with Nathan seemed deeper. I would have liked to see more of cool hipster Evan, or good skater boy Luke. In short, I would have LOVED to have them all hanging more with Max. The ending, oh man, what an ending. It's incredibly hard, and I hate that saving Arcadia Bay seems to go into "bury your gays" trope, because if there was a way to save them both I would. The writing is very powerful, ending the way it began. This leads me to my initial topic, choices. I love that the game gives us choices, and considering there are other alternative realities, maybe both choices are canon in different universes. If I was in Chloe's shoes I couldn't choose to sacrifice my mom, and Joyce dies if Chloe is saved, as well as many other innocents, so I can't choose that ending, I just can't (and I understand that's totally personal for everyone). A really tough choice, at least for me, and hey, if it wasn't specified that practically everyone died, I would have saved Chloe no questions asked. I do love, however, how Chloe matures so much in the course of 5 days and her bond with Max. She sacrifices for Arcadia Bay, and a lot of it is because of Max, because she doesn't want her to make that choice. So now if you excuse me, I'm still playing the funeral scene in my mind and the bathroom scene (totally broken) and had to write this as cathartic, so feel free to disagree with me or whatever you prefer, each one of us experiences a different game because of our different experiences in life. Next step: BTS and LIS2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9uy4V8SvPk

[ronsenburg]

i saw this post and IMMEDIATELY started writing an essay, so I moved it here so as not to clutter up someone else’s post...........

it absolutely blows my mind that, today in 2021, i honestly can’t remember what’s canon from the turnabout serenade case, what i read in a fanficition, and what is my own personal HC. like, it’s been more than a decade since i played the case for the first time and it’s probably been 5ish years since the last time i played AJ (definitely forgot to play it again before writing youngblood which is.... contributing to this) so i really don’t know if what goes on in my head is accurate, but, over the years, i’ve come up with a Lot of Thoughts, which i’ll discuss below. 

tldr; it’s all about power (the desire for, the subversion of, the need to maintain), but if you’d like the specifics, here you go:

daryan: i think the explanation that he did it for “the money” is a line. please don’t mistake me, daryan is an asshole and a murderer, im not discounting that, but in court ive always thought that he was playing the part that everyone- especially klavier- is expecting of him. he’s the bad guy. might as well make it a finale for the books.

i’ve always seen daryan and klavier as opposite sides of the same coin when it comes to family and career aspirations. where i imagine klavier came from a well off and well loved family before his parents died, i see daryan from a working class, difficult upbringing. i read a few papers on the psychology of children/parenting style of police officers and decided early on that daryan’s dad was also a cop. his mother is either dead or (more likely) left them early on. dad coped by working a little too hard, gambling/drinking a little too much, and was overall not around a lot and kind of an authoritarian/controller when he was. it left daryan with a lot of anger he had to cope with, about what it means to be a cop, the idea of a “just cause” and the ends justifying the means, and an issue with authority (which is laughable, considering what a bully he turned out to be. sometimes we emulate our parents unintentionally; it’s the only thing we have to model our behavior on). so daryan started off at a disadvantage. klavier started off loved and supported and surrounded by expensive belongings, but the death of his parents and the subsequent emotional and financial abuse by his newly appointed guardian/brother left him in a similar place by the time he and daryan met. i think it was probably the foundation for their bond, and i think it’s why klavier decided to become a prosecutor instead of following in his brother’s footsteps and why daryan ultimately decided to enter law enforcement as well. i think they had a lot of optimistic, idealistic thoughts on being better than the people that hurt them, on utilizing the law to make the world a better place. i don’t think klavier ever conceived that kristoph could have wanted him in the prosecutors office as another pawn to play, and i don’t think he realized how fluid daryan’s morality could be.

shipping alert—you guys know me, im crazy for the idea of a “best friends to on again off again lovers to tenuous coworkers to bitterly disappointed in but still harboring feelings for the other person despite being on opposite sides” dynamic between daryan and klavier. i honestly can’t separate the ship from the case and im sorry about it. if you read youngblood you know that i think daryan started to resent klavier pretty early on, when they were still together, when the band was still successful, because klavier was able to move forward and work through the issues of his past while daryan was seemingly stuck. yes, daryan had made detective and the gavinners were a hit, he’d risen above his initial social standing and thrown off the control his father, he had money and fame and a future. but everything he had was because of klavier. daryan needed klavier, emotionally, morally, financially. but even when klavier was professing his love for daryan, both privately and in the form of chart topping songs, he didn’t need daryan. it was obvious (and of course, healthy, but how do children of abuse learn what a healthy relationship looks like without help? especially when the only relationships you’ve ever had are codependent and, in some ways, just as toxic?) and so things spiraled. daryan got possessive and angry again and klavier got distant and they broke up and got back together and broke up and didn’t get back together but kept ending up back in each other’s arms for comfort and for support and because how the hell do you move on when the person you’ve been in love with since you were 15 is sitting next to you on a tour bus and is also your partner in a homicide case and singing songs he wrote about you on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans?

okay, shipping glasses off, sorry. but no matter how you look at their relationship, daryan’s promotion out of homicide was probably the most distance they’d had from each other in years, as it removed a large chunk of the daily “working relationship” aspect. and without klavier there to act as a moral compass, it was likely easier to slip back into his earlier thoughts about what constitutes justice and his intense hatred of being pushed around by someone who has more power than you. so enter the chief justice with a son who is sick, dying even, but can’t get the medicine he needs because there’s a government out there telling them no. The reasons are arbitrary: the medicine could be used as a poison and can’t be found anywhere else so it might come back to bite the country in the ass if it’s misused by criminals. newsflash: pretty much all medicine is poisonous if it isn’t used correctly, should we stop using penicillin entirely because some people might be allergic to it? they’ve essentially condemned a whole bunch of people to death because they’re worried about their reputation. and that doesn’t sit well with daryan, who is caught up remembering the bullshit justifications his dad would spout when he knocked him around, that kristoph would give when withholding every single penny of money klavier was entitled to until he agreed to do what kristoph wanted. it isn’t right, it isn’t fair and unfair laws shouldn’t have to be upheld, especially when they’re the unfair laws of a country you most definitely did not swear to uphold and protect. it was never about money, though daryan agrees to take it when the chief offers it to him, more for his comfort level than for daryan’s need or desire. it’s about justice and putting a bully in it’s place with a (seemingly) victimless crime that should be so easy given his role in the international division of criminal affairs and klavier’s sudden hard on for the country of borginia. seriously, how could this have been any more straightforward? daryan is capable of murder, though. all cops are. and if it came down to a “them or me” shootout, of course he’d pull the trigger. 

machi: when you come from nothing, the desire to have something of your own is overwhelming. the idea that machi is famous and financially set is disingenuous; he is not individually famous, he is Lamiroir’s “blind” pianist. yes, she views him as a son and seems to care deeply for him, but his main purpose in her life is to perpetuate a lie. machi has been abandoned before; what will happen to him if lamiroir suddenly remembers who she was in the past? what if she has a family and a true son of her own and has no use for him? what if their secret is found out and the public rejects him for his role in it? he is 14. what does he know about being provided for? about contracts and trust funds and royalties? he ended up in an orphanage originally because he was unwanted, and that led to a life of poverty and hardship. abandonment issues are rooted in fear and are rarely logical. i find it far easier to believe that machi did it for the money, but more for the power money might have given him towards independence in an unfeeling and capitalist world.

kristoph: i won’t get into this, because this is supposed to be about daryan and machi and the guitar’s serenade, and kristoph is not really involved in that at all. but i think everything that kristoph has ever done in the game, good or bad, is rooted in a pathological need to constantly be in control. i think that kristoph and klavier both have very intense personalities that they have sought to control over the course of their lives for the sake of their careers. kristoph believes that to be a good lawyer, you need to play your cards close to your chest, that to show your hand is to expose a weakness that the enemy can exploit, that to show no weaknesses at all places you in a position of power. klavier believes that to show his true self, to display his weaknesses and fears to the public, would result only in their rejection. as such, they both wear masks of their own creation even under the most intense of pressures: kristoph as pleasant and calm, klavier as magnetic and dynamic. note the primary difference in their rational? klavier wants to be wanted, while kristoph wants power. and power corrupts, after all. once you have it, what could be more overwhelming than the idea that you might lose it all? it can drive even the most rational people to commit acts of passionate irrationality in the name of holding on to that power. and kristoph has so many pieces involved in his strategy to maintain.  

[siriuslyshewrote]

Eastside - F.S

Request - Hi please can I have a finn shelby imagine where I'm his bestfriend and i have a crush on him and me and esme (my sister),linda,gina,ada and polly have a few drinks and I end up getting drunk and finn is ignoring me so I flirt with a guy to get his attention and then finn ends up looking after me and I end up telling him I'm in love with him thanks xx @beth-winchester21

Y/N is Esme’s younger sister, and I envisage her living with Esme and John and their kids. Both Y/N and Finn are 17.

1925 - The Garrison Pub - 11:13 PM

“Where the bloody hell are our boys?” Esme, your sisters voice - a little slurred, a little louder than usual - exclaimed, slamming her glass back onto the table with more force than she intended.

Ada let out a laugh. “Cutting someone, no doubt. Boring. They could be here-“

She wildly gestured around with her hands, accidentally smacking you in the head, to which she apologised several times, placing a drunken kiss to your head, ruffling your already messy hair, as you giggled, a little more drunk that you had initially expected when you were practically dragged out of your home, Polly proclaiming that Finn could survive without you for one night. That sentence had stung a little at the time, but you could barely remember why now.

“Having fun!” She continued, lighting a cigarette, the smell of which tickled your nose with familiarity - the same ones Finn smoked.

“A bit too much fun.” Linda gently chastised, still sipping on her heavily diluted gin and tonic.

“Oh, loosen up, Linda-“ Your sister replied. “Live a little! Heaven knows your husband does!”

Even tipsy, you could tell that Linda had taken offence to that statement, her jaw set a little, focusing on stirring her drink. Ada sniggered a little, stumbling up from beside you, helpfully disrupting a potential argument.

“I’m going to order us some ... more drinks - Y/N, what do you want?”

You opened your mouth to say just something weak, because there was a distinct fuzzy feeling in your head that made you want to giggle an awful lot.

“She’ll have a whiskey. Me too, Ada.” Esme pulled you into a side hug, and you laughed a little at your older sister, leaning your head against her shoulder.

“Who do you reckon Polly’s chatting up at the bar?” Your sister grinned, guiding your glance to a rather tipsy Polly, who was laughing at something a much younger man had told her, a coy look in her eyes.

“He’s definitely a pilot.” You mused. “Or a chauffeur, something like that.”

“No, I think an accountant.” Linda chipped in, leaning towards the two of you. “He’s got that look about him.”

“The boring look.” Esme pointed out, and you all giggled.

“What are we chatting about?” Ada questioned, plopping back down beside you, spilling half the drinks on herself, before she handed them out, giving the fullest glass to you with a not so subtle wink.

“Pol’s new catch.” You informed her.

“Oh, him! He seems pretty boring-“

“That’s what we said!”

She laughed. “Moving on - when is my dear sort-of-sister-in-law going to find herself a catch?” She jabbed you with her elbow, eyebrows wiggling conspiratorially.

“I think she already has. To a certain younger brother of yours.” Esme grinned teasingly, as your cheeks reddened, as you drank a big gulp of your whiskey to avoid talking for a second.

They both laughed. “Well, a fucking blind man could figure that one out.” Ada grinned, as you blushed even further.

“How many times do I have to tell you two that Finn is just a friend-“ You protested, but it was impossible to hide your pink cheeks. Esme poked them gently.

“Your cheeks say different, Y/N/N.” She teased.

You snorted. “It’s hot in here-“

They both made disparaging noises with a laugh, and you were only distracted from your torment when the door swung open, and a group of men strolled into the pub - the Shelby brothers. Your eyes went immediately to Finn, who was joking around with John about something. His eyes flickered to yours for a few moments, and you shot him a wide smile, heart beating a little too fast. He shot you barely a half smile, a half hearted wave, before turning back to John, and your spirits fell.

“What was that about?” Ada questioned a little too loudly.

You shrugged, teeth pulling at your bottom lip. “He’s been like that a lot over the past few weeks. I don’t -“ Your voice cracked a little. “I don’t know what I’ve done.”

The men had only been at the bar for a few seconds, but they were already heading over to your table, Esme already distracted by the sight of her husband. Ada shot you a sympathetic look, mouth opening to speak, but you had already stood up, legs wobbling, before you steadied yourself, picking up your still half empty glass of whiskey.

“I’m going to sit at the bar.” You sniffed a little, blinking to get your emotions in check. “I can’t deal-“

Ada nodded, making as if to come with you, but you shook your head, murmuring about a need to be alone.

You didn’t even shoot Finn one glance as you walked past him, trying to be proud and not to wobble with the drink and the high heels.

You weren’t entirely sure how much time had passed, but what you were certain of was that you’d had several more glasses of whiskey, courtesy of the boy sat next to you, who was chatting to you, a suave smile on his face. At some point, his hand had ended up on your thigh, to which, unbeknownst to you, several people at the table you had left had taken notice of.

Ada had a rather proud smile on her face, knowing full well just why you were acting the way you were, even if you weren’t sure yourself. John was uncomfortable, making several comments to his wife about how he wanted to go and pull the ‘little scumbag’ off you, to which Esme had laughed. Ever since John and Esme had married, you had been close to your brother-in-law, to the point where most days it felt like he was a second father, especially since you moved in with them, so it was no surprise he was overprotective. Finn, though, was a different league. His jaw was tense, foot tapping on the floor, fist clenched around the cold rum glass, eyes flicking to you every few seconds, much to the teasing of his siblings. He, more than anyone, looked like he wanted to go and cut the boy a new smile.

You were blissfully unaware of all of this, however, dizzy on alcohol and the knowledge that this boy was interested in you - though it didn’t feel the same as it would if a certain other boy showed any interest. But for as long as you had liked him, he had only shown platonic love to you, and recently, none at all. Perhaps, your actions were a big middle finger to your best friend, even if you weren’t sure that he was even looking at you. You laughed louder, almost raucously, at a joke the boy made, even though it wasn’t all that funny. His hand slid further up your leg, and some part of you started to feel a little uncomfortable, though you didn’t say anything.

“You want to get out of here?” He breathed, faces inching closer together, your lips almost brushing. The smell of liquor on his breath wasn’t the same as it was with Finn. It didn’t make you feel comfortable, the opposite, really.

Your eyebrows scrunched together, drawing back, heart dropping. Of course that was all he wanted. Your jaw tensed, suddenly feeling a lot more sober.

“No.” You spoke, turning back to your drink as something to do.

He let out an annoyed exhale. “So you’re going to be a tease?”

“I wasn’t aware accepting a drink was being a tease.” You spat.

“You’ve been giving me those eyes all night and now you’re deciding you don’t want it?”

His eyes weren’t as soft as you previously thought - instead they were greedy, and angry, entitled.

“Yes.” You spoke a single word answer, making to grab your bag from the floor.

You didn’t know exactly what he thought he was doing by grabbing your wrist, but really, it was a stupid decision. Only a second before you smacked him in the face yourself, a voice sounded from beside you.

“Mate, piss off, will you?” Finn’s voice was controlled, even, but angry. You tensed at the feeling of his body brushing close to yours as he stood beside you.

“And-“ The boy began in a confrontational tone, before glancing up and seeing exactly who he was talking to, before swallowing. “Sorry, mate-“ He stood up quickly, turning away and moving into the crowd, presumably before Finn could start anything. Over the past months, the youngest Shelby brother wasn’t exactly known for his stellar temper.

You let out a simultaneous huff of anger and relief, finally managing to pick up your bag, and standing up just as swiftly as the guy had, shooting your friend a look, crossing your arms, before turning towards the exit of the pub.

“Esme, I’m going home!” You called, to which your sister, perched on Johns knee, made to get up, never willing to let you walk the streets of Small Heath alone.

“I’ll take her, Esme, no bother.” Finn spoke, and your jaw tensed even more as Esme nodded with a grin, promptly shooting a smiling conspiratorial look to your sister in law. You rolled your eyes at the two of them.

The cold air hit you as soon as you left the pub, and you immediately began to shiver slightly, though you refused to ask Finn for a jacket, merely out of principle, as you stormed a few metres in front him, which was a difficult feat, considering you were still very much tipsy, and the cobblestones weren’t exactly easy to navigate in stilettos.

“I didn’t need your help, Finn.” You snapped suddenly, turning round to shoot him a look. “I had it under my control.”

“Yeah, it really looked like it, with him grabbing onto your arm.”

“Do you think I’m incapable of defending myself? I know you fucking don’t. We’ve been friends for years. You know I can look after myself around shitty guys.”

“So you’d prefer it if I just left you?”

“Yes!”

“Fine. I will next time.” He snapped. His voice was hurt, and it incited a twinge of guilt within you.

“What is it with you recently? You fucking ignore me half the time, then develop a fucking saviour complex whenever you think I’m in trouble?”

“It’s called sticking up for a friend-“

“Friend? Friend? You can’t pick and choose when to be friends with me! Or when you magically want to ignore me for no absolute reason.” You scoffed.

“Come on, Y/N. We are friends.” His voice was quiet.

“No. No, I really don’t think we are.” You’d regret these words later, the tiny voice in your brain spoke, but the alcohol and adrenaline in your veins only spurred you on.

“You’re drunk. You don’t mean that.” He sounded more as if he was convincing himself of that fact than you.

“Don’t I?” You said more quietly, stopping your fast paced walk. “You can’t just.. choose when you want to be friends with me!”

“And you can’t just choose when you want to flirt with me and make me feel like maybe it’s me that you like, then go and do it with random other guys!” He exclaimed, and you were taken aback, almost sobering for a second.

“Finn-“

“No, you’re drunk. Let’s get you home.” He murmured, anger dissipating in defeat, walking on, lighting a cigarette in his lips.

“Finn.” Your hand gently wrapped around his wrist, pulling him closer to you, faces a breath apart, as your eyes scanned his own.

“I fucking like you, okay. Only you.” Your drunken mind was racing and you’d regret saying these things tomorrow, but say them you did. “I’ve fucking liked you since you threw me into the Cut when we were thirteen and then realised I couldn’t swim and jumped into save me. I’ve shown it, all this time. It’s you that hasn’t. I like you, Finn. Do whatever you want with that information.”

His eyes softened, his hands brushing your own.

“Tell me this when you’re sober, yeah?” He breathed.

“And what will you say?” You were unsure, unsure if you had just thrown away your whole friendship -

He paused for a moment, licked his lips nervously - a habit he’d always had.

“That I like you too.”

✨ Permanent Tag List ✨

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[sohoharlem]

Okay, Soho, you said that you took some steps back from the Seb fandom and it's done you wonders. In light of recent images and videos, I think it's time for me to say goodbye for a little. How did you fill the time you would spend engaging in the fandom? I think that's the hardest part for me and the reason that I have yet to step away. But it's getting harder and harder with each thing that comes out...

How to stop letting fandom drama take over your life. How I did it and how you can, too. 

First you need to find out the real reason you feel it’s hard to leave. Once you find that out, the rest will play itself out if you have enough self control and determination. 

I’ll be using myself as an example. In my case, I was very obsessed with what was going on in the Seb fandom, but I wasn’t sure why. It confused me because it was triggering negative feelings that I wasn’t quite sure what they were. I was always very drawn to all the drama that would come out between him and any other female, constantly following every blog I could find just to find new things out. I was really into it, in a very negative way, and I kept getting hot off wanting to find out more. I need to know more. It got to a point where it literally made me unwell, and I was wondering if the reason for that was because I was, in fact, jealous. Is this why I kept getting angry and obsessed?Was I jealous of these girls and wanted to know every little detail of what was going on, because it’s not me? And not knowing what was going on made it worst? 

But then one day, I sat back and reminded myself that I have met him before, and I reminded myself that when I met him I felt absolutely nothing. I also know nothing about him, so why would I feel a certain way about a total stranger? It doesn’t make sense. What is this infatuation with this man? Why can’t I stop trying to partake in this fandom this way? What is it that i’m really feeling? 

I won’t get into personal details about my life, but with some help from a great friend, I realized that what I was actually feeling was anxiety. Not knowing what was happening all the time, being in the dark, not knowing what was GOING to happen, and being obsessed with unimportant details that made me wonder how I would feel if they were true - all of that was giving me fucking anxiety. It was never jealousy. Anxiety is worse because it makes you assume the worst and overthink things that, at the end of the day, really are not that damn complicated. It makes you feel sick and contributes to addiction. I always wanted to know what was going to happen, what he or she said, or what he or she did. I couldn’t get enough.

So that was my step one. I found out why it was hard for me to leave. 

What did I do after that? I blocked all the gossip blogs so I didn’t feel tempted to go on them, especially the ones I always found myself disagreeing with. I logged out of my instagram so I wouldn’t feel tempted to always go on. I stopped reading so much fan-fiction. (This one specifically also helped me discover that even though I always knew Bucky and Seb were not the same person (obviously), it made it a lot easier to differentiate the two. I realized that who I loved was Bucky, this fictional character who literally stole my marvel heart and inspired me to continue to keep watching the MCU. I was letting my love go both ways. Granted, I think Seb is a great actor and I’d support his Career wherever he takes it, but I never should have given him the same expectation or admiration that I gave his character in the actual MCU world, not sure if that makes sense.) So cutting back fanfiction helped a lot. 

How did I spend my time instead of engaging in the fandom? Instead of fanfiction, I read other books about different characters and stories that are waiting to be told. I watched my favorite tv shows that I’ve already seen a million times, but brought me great comfort. During work days, I was strict with myself to not look at my phone unless absolutely necessary. I put social media down and spoke to my friends as much as I could throughout the day, and my family. After work, I’d do chores. Clean the house, grocery shop, go for a drive, listen to music. I picked up on my old hobbies I was behind on, and new ones. 

Eventually, I started to think less and less about him. Sure, I’m still in the loop of the drama after I came back, but it’s very different now. It doesn’t affect me the way it used to because I simply don’t let it. It cleared my head to see what was toxic and what wasn’t to my health. And it gave me a clear sense on what it actually was that I was feeling. So now, when something happens, I no longer feel the heavy weight that I used to when new rumors come out. I’m surprised if I even care much at all. 

It’s going to take a lot of willpower, strength, self control, and self-awareness to find out what it is that triggers your feelings and learning how to stay away. It could take weeks or even months, but it’s fucking possible. If I can do it, you can do it. 

The internet likes to make things seem bigger than they really are, especially social media. Emotions spread like wildfire. Best advice I can give you for that is focus on your own emotions, your own opinions and feelings, and not others. Don’t let other’s feelings or opinions on a specific person or situation get to you. It’s your health and your life. You ARE entitled to your own opinion. 

Sometimes, the unpopular opinion can be the most wise. Just because someone is loud does not make them right.

This last part will be very essential for you to keep reapplying step one and two.

 Without this one, it can be very easy for you to get sucked in again.

Again, the steps to stepping back are: 

Find out the real reason you feel it’s hard to leave.

Accept those reasons and love yourself for realizing it.

Take the necessary measures needed to heal yourself from those reasons.

Spend your time doing other things not involving your fandom.

Focus on yourself.

Focus on having willpower and self control to keep staying strong.

Remind yourself that if you think differently about something, it’s okay. 

repeat steps 1-6.

I hope this was of help to you. Trust me, once you cut yourself back from fandom drama, you will eventually realize it should never affect your personal life. You will feel absolutely amazing and so much happier. 

There is nothing better than self-happiness.

- SH

[fizzingwizard]

blast from the past but i remember as a teenager that I never understood how Gilmore Girls season six ended. It’s funny how time clears things up, I feel like I get it now.

My dad always says Lorelai is flaky and that’s why. I don’t really agree. Bear with me. I think Lorelai is a control freak. Out of necessity, kinda. She lived in that household that constantly tried to control her, and getting out of it was her asserting her independence of their expectations. That meant she was a single mom starting with very little and working her way up to create a life of freedom for herself and her daughter.

The show itself is all about Lorelai struggling with giving bits of her control away. It begins with her giving some control of her relationship with her parents back to them when she needs to ask for money for Rory’s school. Then, of course, little by little, her control over Rory erodes as Rory gets older. (Not that Lorelai was a controlling parent - she valued freedom, not bossiness - but that’s just the parent-child dynamic: to some extent parents do control things because kids are still learning how to take care of and protect themselves. It certainly shouldn’t go farther than those basics and I don’t think it did for Lorelai - but she still felt it whenever Rory did something that was contrary to what Lorelai would have wanted. It’s also why “You sound like your mother” was a truly insulting barb to her lol)

In the meantime, she’s not only risen to being in charge of the inn, but she even goes and opens her own inn business with Sookie. Total independence. She dated Max, but balked when he wanted to know what his role would be in Rory’s life and realized she wasn’t ready to share control of their life with him. She dated Digger who to me always seemed the type way too set in his own ways for her, so I wasn’t sad to see him go. Finally she dated Luke, we all knew it would happen, but the question was always would these two very independent types be able to make it work any better than they had in the past? Because Luke’s also always gone his own way. The things both he and Lorelai had going for them was chemistry and similar values. And of course the show seemed to be rooting for them from season one :P

So while Lorelai and Luke are together, there are a number of control-related problems that crop up. We mainly see Luke give in to Lorelai. It’s never anything damaging - these are small things that are important to her, but still small, and he gives them to her out of love, not because she demands it. She does make concessions to him as well, but they’re mostly off screen (like the purple wallpaper thing). And the thing with the Twickum House... on the surface, it look like Lorelai crapped on Luke’s dream for the house because she selfishly wanted to keep her own, buuuuut he bought it without asking or telling her, and she has a right to not want to live there same as he has a right not to want to live in her place. Fortunately, he was cool with living in her place if it was expanded. So they did that. Look, a compromise!

So basically they get over every hurdle that could compromise their individual needs to feel in control of their lives... until April. April is Luke’s thing. It’s not his fault he didn’t know about her for twelve years and it’s to his credit that he wanted to be a part of her life after the fact. While I’m not super fond of season 7, I always felt it was weird that season 6 Luke never seemed angry that Anna didn’t tell him about April. It doesn’t seem like Anna had a reason to think he’d be violent or controlling of her or their child, she just thought he didn’t like kids much. That’s not a reason. People often don’t like other people’s kids but adore their own. Anyway.

Luke doesn’t want Lorelai involved with April because he’s the type to take his time with things. He needs his space. So he needs time and space to adjust to the concept of April and get to know her and feel confident of his own role as a father. He’s also a bit jealous of Lorelai’s easy rapport with people, especially young girls, but I think that’s minor in comparison to the other reasons. And Lorelai understands those things and lets him control how things go with April. Allowing him that control, though, means he’s also in control of other things: when they get married, for one, and what his relationship with Lorelai is. i think she has reason to be upset about how he didn’t make an effort to involve her in things with April (like, I definitely get that April’s mom was concerned about who was in April’s life but everyone else in the town got to meet April, there’s no reason Lorelai couldn’t have met her now and then as a townie rather than Luke’s fiancee, as long as Luke was physically there as well)

So I can see why Lorelai blew up after the wedding was postponed indefinitely (even though, if we’re talking real life, it hadn’t been all that long). She felt she’d finally found someone she felt comfortable sharing her life with, but then he started to need more patience and submission from her than she was comfortable giving. Up till then in her life, waiting for things just meant she waited while other people got what they want. To get what she wanted, she had to go take it, consequences be damned. So she takes the same route with Luke as she has with everything else in her life: she makes her own decision and lets him figure out how or if he wants to fit in with it, rather than the other way around.

In terms of whether she really needed to go that far at that point... It’s hard, rewatching it, not to feel like a sudden ultimatum in the street when you’re highly emotional is not the way to decide to break up with someone. She should have been willing to talk later, when he came back. I mean, he came back twice. But relationships are rarely about should haves. People aren’t perfect. Lorelai’s the type who rips the bandaid off fast because it may hurt more, but slow hurts longer. When she’s out, she’s out. And I think I get it in the sense that the two of them had, in canon, built up how serious their relationship was VERY fast - like from their first official date - and that comes with all kinds of expectations. The higher they climb the harder they fall. So, yeah, I think things could have been fixed the next day when Luke came back, but I do think it’s Lorelai-ish to not be willing to fix them.

There was a great bit of foreshadowing just prior where Liz and TJ have a fight and it’s due to Liz’s trauma scaring her away, and Luke is the one who goes to TJ, tells him it’s not his fault, but that in a relationship sometimes people can’t say how they really feel and that’s when you have to try to understand them out of love etc (something like that lol). He saw it clearly with Liz and TJ but wasn’t ready for it with Lorelai. Lorelai’s fear of commitment, the way she values her independence, her history with relationships gone sour, it all came to a head and Luke’s preference to take time to sort things out and decide how he feels couldn’t cope with it. It’s not that Luke was wrong. He’s entitled to be the type who needs time. But it’s not that Lorelai was wrong either. They weren’t wrong individually, but they were wrong together. It could have been avoided, but people aren’t perfect.

I still hate that they broke up and we had to spend season 7 with Christopher, but at least they got back together in the end. Season 7, man... The above is how I feel about season 6, but I think if I knew season 7 wouldn’t have the same producers, I’d never be on board with ending season 6 with such an explosion. No way could the season 7 team pick up from there without being absolutely ridiculous about it.

A Year in the Life picks up with Lorelai and Luke still together, living in her house, but not married. These days lots of people partner up but don’t get married and that’s fine - real commitment isn’t something that a piece of paper decides. But it was also kinda sad because I think every Gilmore Girls fan looked forward to Lorelai and Luke’s wedding. So I really enjoyed that AYITL dealt with that - and also dealt with the way Luke usually lets Lorelai decide various things, and that she becomes self-conscious about it, wondering if her strength of will has meant he had to give up things he wanted. He takes his time - he’s Luke, after all - but eventually he figures out how to tell her. He’s his own man. He’s independent. He lets her make decisions about things he’s okay with her making decisions on. If he really didn’t like her choice, he’d say something. Basically, you don’t have to worry about Luke. He’s strong enough for himself, and he’s strong enough for her. And vice versa. That’s why they’re a good couple. It’s when they give in to doubt that things get shaky. And then we finally got our very pretty wedding. I loved that scene and I loved the song that played (which was also used in Liz and TJ’s wedding, I believe).

Emily, of course, is just as much a control freak as her daughter even if she doesn’t realize it, but I loved how in AYITL, the way she asserts her herself is no longer in the context of the role she feels she needs to play and becomes about choosing what her path will be. She’s as “eccentric” as Lorelai, if eccentric means being yourself and doing what makes you happy. *eye roll* That’s why I don’t agree with my dad that Lorelai is flaky... I do see where it comes from but I always just thought she’s not bound by what other people think she should be. That’s hardly eccentric, it’s just strong.

And I wish we had some sort of follow up for the last four lines... I’d read a Gilmore Girls novel as a sequel if the show can’t come back again.

[youwerenevermeanttofeelalone]

Happy | Poe Dameron

✦ pairing — Poe Dameron x Plus Size Reader

✦ word count — 3.6k

✦ request — can I request one where reader used to date Ben in secret and then she joins the resistance and starts dating Poe? And then Rey brings Ben back to the resistance instead of him dying in tros and tried to get her back so poe gets jealous but she cant forgive ben and doesn’t love him anymore?

✦ warnings — angst, jealousy, fluff, sexual innuendos.

✦ gif credit

☆︎・・・・・☆︎・・・・・☆︎・・・・・☆︎

You felt someone’s stare, heavy and piercing from afar. Unable to turn around for you were speaking to General Organa, you rolled your healthy shoulder.

“Who’s that?” Rey asked, pointing at the bandaged arm Poe had just observed.

He instinctively smiled. “That’s (Y/N), our only diplomat left.”

Rey hummed, watching you with more attention now. Your form was unmistakable, your profile hadn’t changed much although your mannerisms had — you stood with your head held up high now, with an amazing posture if she may say so herself.

“She could help us!”

“She already does,” he pointed out. “She’s been part of The Resistance for years now.”

“No, no. I’ve seen Kylo’s mind, she’s always there. They love each other deeply. Poe,” Rey turned really serious, “she could end this war and bring him to the light.”

He still remembered the first time he saw you, no long after he joined and was made Commander. Poe had been pacing, impatient to get some news already, in Leia’s office.

You had arrived, annoyed, and snapping at your protocol droid for not shutting up. Then he had ruined it furthermore by ogling at you and blocking your way into the room.

In his defense, the General hadn’t told him the diplomat would stunt him with their beauty. She had scolded him for not letting you in, stifling a laugh when he took a chair out for you to sit.

Poe was captivated by you when he heard you complain about The New Republic. They were refusing to see The First Order as a threat which you qualified as moronic and delusional — he agreed wholeheartedly.

The admission of having insulted someone had never been so attractive to him until Leia asked you if the reason why Lonno Desa refused to maintain talks with you was that you insulted him and you admitted, “not to his face.”

As Snap liked to say, he was smitten. Poe Dameron, the best pilot in the galaxy and the biggest flirt in the system, was smitten for someone who had turned him down on several occasions.

He knew he wasn’t entitled to anything — hell, he appreciated that you hadn’t led him on! But hearing you say you weren’t the relationship type broke his heart. It felt extremely personal, almost like an attack on his ability to be the right person for someone.

And now Rey was telling him you were in love with someone else.

Fuck.

Leia was against the idea of telling you about it, you had the right to continue your life the way you liked it. The more Rey insisted that you weren’t happy without Ren, the worse Poe’s chest tightened.

Then you entered the room, asking if you could help with anything and he lost it. Poe stormed out of there, glaring at anyone who tried to approach him as he made his way across the hangar. He didn’t know why he was so angry, but he felt as though rage was consuming him. His skin was hot, breath ragged.

Wandering around the jungle had always calmed him. It reminded him of home, of those afternoons he spent with his mom, learning how to pilot from the best. He missed her the most when he lost control of his emotions, when he felt again like that little boy scared of his parents never coming back.

He had experienced a similar fear hours before. You were only alive because you left Hosnian Prime earlier than you should have had. And now his newest friend was unconscious in the infirmary while you were talked into going back to your ex-boyfriend.

He had been sure you liked him, there was no other explanation for the way you stared at him and your gentle tone when you spoke to him. Poe had accepted your friendship gladly, he loved spending time with you whenever the two of you were available and seeing the worry leave your features when he came back from a mission. But friends didn’t stare longingly at each other from across every room, friends were never asked how long had they been dating when one reminded the other they needed to eat or get some sleep.

Confusion and anger were a bad combination, and there he was drowning in both of them.

“That was a little rude, Commander.”

Poe jumped to his feet upon hearing your voice. You looked at your surroundings, making sure there wasn’t a creature lurking in.

The aliveness of D’Qar terrified you, how untamed it was in competition to back in Chandrila where the gentle sounds of the lake made calm reign over the chaos of its citizens. You didn’t dislike it per se, but it was a taste you were still in the process of acquiring.

“I just needed some fresh air,” he explained, sitting back on the thick log. You were still staring at the tree to your right, presumably in thought.

“You know,” you mused, “I used to say that when I was a teen. I would visit Lake Sah'ot, sit in front of it, and stare at the crystal clear water with the excuse that I needed fresh air.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re not a better liar than teenage me, and she was embarrassingly bad.”

“I feel furious,” he confessed. “I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I wanted to calm down.”

His confession prompted you to take your eyes off the greenery to look at him. Poe’s head hung down as he fixed his eyes on his boots.

“You’re alive, Poe. That’s normal.”

“The reason behind it is the problem.”

“Fix it.”

He didn’t have to gaze at you to know you had said it with a shrug. You always made things sound easy, maybe it was how used you were to convince people to do what you deemed appropriate.

“Can I ask you something?”

You stepped closer to him, taking a seat on the same lodge he was resting on. “Anything.”

“Are you in love with Kylo Ren?”

A long sigh escaped you. “I’ve never met him.”

“Rey said you knew him as a teen.”

“He wasn’t Kylo Ren back then,” you clarified. The distinction was important for you, for your morals, for your pride, for your heart.

Laying on the grass, hand laced with his, you had asked Ben, “will you miss me?” with the hopes the inquiry would make him change his mind. You knew it wasn’t an easy thing to do, that he actually wanted to stay home, but every option you had given him he had ignored.

You were ready to leave your life behind for him. He had the force and you, what else could he need? The Galaxy was so vast you were sure the two of you could find the perfect planet to hide.

Ben however didn’t answer the question, deflecting by reminding you it wasn’t his choice. There was a wave of underlying anger in his tone that scared you, it had never sounded so deep.

Seeing him leave had been heartbreaking. His promise of keeping contact with you had been the only flickering hope you had, one that never ignited back.

You knew you had lost him no longer after. Oh, teenage love, naive and raw with no way to break the inevitable fall. His promise had never meant to be kept, but you had found said truth too many sleepless nights later, eyes brimmed with tears and disappointment in yourself bubbling up inside your chest.

When Leia gave you the news of his new identity, you didn’t know how to react. One thing was being left behind and another was your first love giving in to what his family had been fighting against for years. Ben betrayed everything he had sworn to love, destroying lives and dreams as mere collateral damage.

“Just… answer the question. Please.”

“I am not.”

“She said you’re not happy.”

She was right, you weren’t. You were fighting against everything you were feeling, things you had once assumed you had already experienced.

It had been cruel, you had wondered if the stars hated you, if there was something in you that had pushed Ben to choose the dark side. And when you started to think you would never go through that anguish again, you met Poe.

There were differences, he would never fall to the dark side, you were sure of that, Poe would rather die than give in to the wishes of an oppressing organization. But you were still you, the first relationship you had was an utter disaster and every time you had tried with someone else hadn’t been too contrasting.

Rejecting him had been painful from the beginning. Having a man so handsome and charming, so brave and dedicated, interested in you after having to put up with the worst kind of men you could ever imagine to exist, sounded too good to be true.

Poe never tried to pressure you into accepting to date him. He would ask if you had changed your mind when he caught you staring for too long. You had wanted to say yes really badly, but it wasn’t right — you weren’t ready to experience heartbreak again, to ruin another person.

You felt lonely, of course you did. Every time you saw him you wondered how it would be like to wake up beside him, hold his hand and play with his curls, to be held by him, to be his and for him to be yours.

“Are you happy?”

Poe turned to his left, where you were sitting. Shaking his head, he said, “I don’t think anyone is happy when we’re at war.”

You had to agree with that. “Then why would my unhappiness be caused by an ex-lover?”

“Rey—“

Interrupting him, you told him something you hadn’t planned to, “I know what she saw, but she only saw his version — mine’s different. I am not suffering because of him.”

“I’m jealous.”

“I know.”

“Is it bad that I want you to suffer for me?”

The question sounded cruel which he hadn’t intended. He just wanted to be in your mind like you were in his. He wanted you to have vivid dreams about him and to fantasize of him only to become disappointed because you didn’t have him. He wanted you to want to have him, that was all.

“You know I already do.”

But Poe didn’t know anything anymore. He wouldn’t hold against you a past relationship, what kind of person did that? But he did hold against you the adamancy on pushing him away when now you said to be suffering because of him.

“Do I?” He cocked an eyebrow. “You’ve turned me down hundreds of times.”

You nodded, wetting your lips. “And it makes me suffer. Those two aren’t mutually exclusive.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” he huffed.

Resting your hand on his shoulder, you leaned forward. As you left a kiss on his cheek, you murmured an apology. Poe turned his face, lips brushing yours as his eyelashes batted against yours — you didn’t move, staring at him while trying to fight the urge to kiss him.

It was a battle you would have never won, first because you didn’t want to and second of all because Poe knew you well enough to know you were about to pull away so he kissed you before you could do it.

To his delight, you kissed back immediately. His arm snaked around your middle, pulling you flush on his side while his free hand held your face. Sliding your healthy hand toward his farthest shoulder, you tilted your head to kiss him deeper.

Slowly, you parted from him, breathing in his own harsh breath as he inhaled and exhaled on your face. You expected Poe to say something, but he only kissed you again.

“This is the worst moment to say this,” you mumbled against his lips, “but I have to make a holo call in a few minutes.”

He whined. “Will you pay attention to me later?” His lips caressed yours as he said it.

You gave him another kiss, short and sweet. “We’ll see.”

With another whine, he stood up, his arm still around you as you did the same. The two of you walked in silence toward the base, him finding adorable how weary you were of your surroundings.

Rey tried to talk to you again, you could see the desperation in her eyes. Poe tightened his arm on your waist, but you slid off his grasp momentarily. Assuring him you wouldn’t take too long, you pulled Rey to the side.

Giving explanations wasn’t something you were used to, but this was a war we were talking about. So you told her your reasons behind not getting near Kylo, and although disappointed she respected them.

☆︎・・・・・☆︎・・・・・☆︎・・・・・☆︎

You ran into his arms, forgetting his rank and the fact that you weren’t alone. Poe buried his face in the crook of your neck, hugging you the tightest he had ever done.

Keeping the tears in was a challenge. You had thought you wouldn’t see him again for a moment, that you would have to live without his stupid jokes and his bright smile. You wouldn’t have been able to take it.

But he was there, kissing your forehead and reminding you everything would be okay from now on. The First Order was gone and Palpatine was dead.

You assumed Rey was staring, the intensity of the first time she looked at you almost made you part from Poe and ask what was wrong. Almost. Poe didn’t let you move, trapping you into his arms.

Complaining would be foolish, his hugs were your favorite. Everything about Poe could be cataloged as your favorite, from his kisses to his sense of duty.

You only parted from Poe to hug Finn who reminded you he was there too by kissing your hair. You had grown to see him as a brother in the past year, to proudly watch his progress and his now unwavering belief in the cause.

As you moved to then hug Rey, you froze. Beside her, the face you had expected to never see again smiled softly at you.

Frowning, you cleared your throat to politely say, “I’m sorry for your loss, Ren.”

Kylo opened his mouth to thank you, until he realized you hadn’t called him by his name. “It’s Ben, actually.”

“Noted.”

Finn shrugged when you stared at him in search for an explanation, Poe didn’t even meet your eyes. Your boyfriend started cleaning BB-8 in the middle of the hangar, humming as the droid beeped quietly.

The consequent three days felt way longer, you had assumed a week and a half passed due to how exhausted you were. Poe was constantly in a bad mood, fighting with Rey over little things and ranting about it to you.

His attitude made you regret giving up your individual quarters at times. You loved sharing everything with him and wouldn’t change him for the entire galaxy, but you were really, reaaaaaaally tired.

“Babe,” you interrupted his complaining. “Why don’t you take a day off? Just one.”

He frantically shook his head, as if the idea of having a good night of sleep was heinous. “There are a lot of things to do, darling. And not enough time.”

“We’re not at war anymore,” you reminded him.

Something crossed his eyes. Poe rolled on the bed to lay on his side, draping his arm over your belly to pull you closer. “Why don’t we talk about something else, gorgeous?”

Facing him, you felt the frustration leave your system. Poe always looked at you with too much devotion, his expression was neutral yet his eyes were shining — you had never seen anything prettier.

☆︎・・・・・☆︎・・・・・☆︎・・・・・☆︎

Waking up next to him was a dream all on itself, his messy curls brushing your arm and his warm body burning yours up — both literally and metaphorically.

Never had you felt more at peace nor happier than in Poe’s arms. At times you felt as though nothing else but him existed — you were positive the past year or so would have been unbearable without him. He was everything you had, and for once it was enough — every fear and insecurity had slowly been erased, between a few fights due to his recklessness and your stubbornness but nothing a long conversation wouldn’t fix.

All those doubts of losing his valuable friendship vanished a few months into the relationship. Now your conversations were longer, intimacy functioned at every level, his jokes were funnier and dirtier. You were happy, Poe made you happy.

You would have loved to stay in bed cuddling, but between your duties and his, It didn’t sound realistic. Soon you would be able to, if everything went according to plan and the survivors from The New Republic accepted to hear him and Finn out; you weren’t sure what their entire plan was made of, but you trusted them.

Rey and Rose joined you for lunch, exchanging looks every few minutes. The dining hall was almost empty, you didn’t have any excuse to ignore their antics.

“Is there something you need to tell me?”

Biting her bottom lip, Rey nodded. “I talked to Finn, but… look, Poe is taking it a little too far.”

“A little too far with what?”

Rose started playing with her glass, avoiding looking at either you or Rey in case the topic sparked a fight. She hated being in the middle, and as much as she understood you often took Poe’s side because he was your boyfriend, she was on Rey’s side this time.

Poe smiled brightly as you walked toward him, angling his arm for you to fit against his side. Not wanting to cause a scene, you hugged him by the waist with an arm and whispered in his ear that you needed to talk to him.

You followed him to his and Finn’s office, keeping your mouth shut although you were about to lose control.

He took his jacket off, reaching for your hips. You placed your hands on his chest, he looked as good as ever, but you weren’t there to fuck him.

You went straight to the point, “Why did you make Ben a janitor?”

Oh, so he was Ben again, huh. Poe shrugged. “He has to start somewhere.”

“Poe…”

He removed his hands off your hips, opting for crossing his arms against his chest. “Why do you care so much?”

Sliding your hands down his torso to free them from the tight grip of his forearms, you deadpanned, “Because there are protocols for these kinds of situations.”

“He’s a war criminal.”

“And there’s a protocol for that,” you repeated, lifting your eyebrows.

His first mistake was stuttering, “T—the protocol can’t be followed right now.” His second mistake was forgetting you knew more about those things than him. “When we re-establish the New Republic—“

“Do you really want to make those mistakes again?”

“No, and that’s not the point, you know it.”

“You’re being petty, that’s the point.”

“He should be punished.”

“Punished by cleaning the base, that will teach him!”

“Keeps him busy.”

You rolled your eyes. “He’s Leia’s son.”

“And your ex-boyfriend,” Poe gritted. There it was, the real problem. He had seen the idiot, trying to spark conversation with you and asking about your family.

How dare he ask when you had lost many loved ones because of him? And why weren’t you furious?

Pursing your lips as your shoulders dropped, you grabbed him by the neck. “I don’t care about him, we’ve talked about that.”

“What if he wins you back?” Poe wondered out loud, not really meaning to do it.

Dropping your hands to his forearms, you made him uncross his arms. Guiding his palms to your back, not withdrawing yours until his touch turned firm, you leaned forward.

You found astounding how often you regretted not having started dating him earlier but this time was different, it wasn’t only regret but shame. If you had, he wouldn’t be so stressed and in consequence you wouldn’t have to put up with people telling you to calm him down or talk him out of things.

“I love you.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders. “Only you.”

Closing his eyes, he leaned into your touch. “I don’t want to lose you, much less to him.”

You kissed him. “You won’t.”

“Never, ever?”

“Nope,” you popped the p. “You’re stuck with me, General.”

You knew what being called by his rank did to him. Poe smirked, kissing you more heavily than you had kissed him as he turned both of you around, trapping you between his torso and the desk.

His tongue slipped inside your mouth only for you to suck on it, moaning as his hands came up to cup your breasts. His fingers worked quickly in undoing the buttons of your shirt as he dragged his lips down to your neck, sucking gently on your skin.

The doors slid open. “Hey, P— oh, man, not again!”

You turned your head to the side while Poe lifted his face off your chest in order to look at the doorway, where an annoyed Finn was glaring at both of you. Poe blocked the view as you buttoned your shirt back up, asking Finn if he needed anything.

“For you two to not have sex there, first of all. It’s my desk too!”

You gave Finn a sheepish smile before half-heartedly apologizing. “I will leave you two to talk about important matters.”

As you left the office, you could hear Poe complaining about Finn’s awful timing.