#but im still scared and its so annoying
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"what do hands mean about a character?"
Their hands mean they love eachother
(webcomic)
#i almost wrote 'source' instead of 'webcomic'#that's a little twitter brain rot right there ngl#it's so bad on twitter rn yall like#straight up isn't showing my posts to my followers anymore#and art in general does. so much worse when it's actually the artist posting them#like provably art performs better when the artist pretends they stole it...#so so so glad I'm still on tumblr LMFAO#every time i use twitter i take psychic damage#'ohhhh why do you still use it' everyone is asking me this#my job. is to post art#kinda gotta post#I mean. ok that's not my job#you know this and I know this#but it's an important part of my career#its gonna be my job after i leave webtoon tho#god i hope that works#im so scared#LMAOOOO#anyways. these hands look good as hell#i think all the hands i draw look good#caus i love hands#but i loooove drawing hand holding...#the amount you can say with how a hand touches another.#im gonna be thriving with wwl#cause they have to hold hands or hell die#pump it into my veins#ok i can tell my bf js getting annoyed ive had my phone on for 3 hours in bed by#time and time again#adam and Steve#webtoon originals
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wishing that the hype for sonic 3 would just die already because im tired of hearing about it vs knowing that the suffering wouldnt truly be over because theyre talking about making a fourth movie . hell on earth
#sorry i was keeping my haterisms to myself for a while there but im still a hater regardless#well i havent actually watched it so maybe its not That bad but what im hearing about it certainly doesnt make it seem good either ........#i liked the first two movies but i simply do not trust these writers to adapt the characters and stories i love anymore#anyway i would say i wish we could just move on to the next sonic thing and forget about the movies#but i also know that no new sonic media release could ever overshadow a new movie#which is also annoying the fact that the movies get so much more attention than other sonic media frustrates me for many reasons#and like. i try to curate my online experience or whatever people call it i blakclisted most tags related to the movie#but it still feels like its everywhere even then both online and offline#help i just remembered that i got a big spike in followers immediately after the movie came out#and i havent really siad anything negative about the movie since then . um. looks around all scared#not that i think i shouldnt be allowed to have a different opinion or am scared of offending anyone#i just know a lot of sonic movie fans get weird about criticism from game fans and i dont feel like dealing with that
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Right and his work menaces (Brent and Karen).
I don't remember last I mentioned it but apart from crude nicknames to people (except Chris), he also just puts them in his phone really weird (except Chris, who is literally in his phone as Chris). And I bring this up because in Right's phone, Karen is saved as "Lawful Obligation".
#my characters#oops i fell in love#can you guys tell im stressed and hyperfixating on my own fucked up ocs cause i am#also brents nickname at work and in rights phone is fuckwad#and hes like yeah if im called anything else at this point by right its weird and uncomfortable#and when it is finally approached as if paul is only in rights phone as shitty-ex (answer) now that hes an excoworker#what was he in rights phone BEFORE the transfer#and right is like annoying dickwad ... karen is like oh i see thats why you call him a dick still#thats like a nickname from his phone name#and brent has to ask why fuckwad and dickwad and right looks at him and takes a deep breathe before saying#because i like the word wad and it is very comforting bc like a wad of paper ? you can throw it away#and so if i realize i gotta get rid of attachment i wad it up#also dont tell paul that dickwad was a form of attachment or he will never shut the fuck up about it#karen and brent both swear to never mention it to paul#paul is honestly such a weird anomaly in the plot bc he doesnt directly work at the same police station#but he is CONSTANTLY a topic of gossip or annoyance or updates#hes literally karens best friend! aside from chris he was one of the few right worked with who HAD touch privileges before right banned it#hes also just genuinely well liked but no one can actually tell him or he will become insufferable#which is a crime that rick is guilty of once when he meets paul and karen introduces him#and rick is just OH i know that name! youre her best friend#and she looks so betrayed and paul looks so delighted and stunned and radiant over this fact#and rick makes up for it before the night is over which is why karen forgives him - he made paul back in his place#anyway yeah right has lots of fears and hes my bundle of anxiety and i love him and his atrocious nicknames#i think i would die if i gave someone a rude nickname even affectionately irl#also also final note on this ig#since right is a detective and not always at the station its worth pointing out brent and karen just work taking calls and#doing misc other work at their desks which are nearby so they 100% bond and its wonderful#ok i lied final note on them is#for a very long time karen has to check with right to make sure she isnt annoying brent because he doesnt emote well#and shes scared she wont know if shes annoying him please help youre like the only one who reads his moods accurately
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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i wish ppl would just shut up when ppl say they're afraid of something i don't care if you think it's stupid or unnecessary or the thing they're afraid of is already widely disliked by many people you don't understand where ppls trauma is coming from and even if there isn't any trauma causing the fear just shut up and move on
#people do this to me about spiders theyre always like omg it wont do anything to you but thats the fucking thing#that annoys me so much i know it wont do anything to me i know they are important to the environment but im still fucking scared#of spiders they just look scary and i literally freeze up and cry when i see a huge one like i genuinely get scared#i dont care that its smaller than me i dont care that you think theyre cute i dont care that youre tired of ppl hating#spiders. im scared of them because i am you dont neee to give me biology 101 to try and get me to not be scared leave me alone#i feel the same way abt ppl who laugh at ppl for being scared of dogs#'oh? ur scared of the 4 yr old dog is barking at you?' like so what if this is the case? shut up!!!! it doesn't matter that u think its#stupid alot of these fears that ppl think are stupid aren't a open door for u to ne patronising just shut the fuck up#there is a girl i know who has a phobia of crisps/chips and ppl think its stupid and inconvenient#like. who cares if u think its stupid there is a real trauma behind her fear and even if there wasnt literally. calm down and go somewhere#else and eat the crisps like omfg
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the nervouserrr <- guy who is going to london a few days after he gets back from america
#i am always a nervous beast to be honest. but london scary#ive already opted not to take my wheelchair because actually what if they all hate me. and also because im scared of needing help#what if i cant manage it and i need someone to push me? its not hard but its embarrassing and noone wants to do that#and theyd hate me. but i am also so scared theyll hate me for literally everything . im still gonna have my walker what if im too slow#or take up too much space or im too tired or dont wanna go somewhere with them and then they hate me#and i thought id be on PIP by now and im not so i wont have a tonne of money#scared frightened scared#and then theres the possibility of anything like ireland trip happening . which ive reduced by booking my own room but still#also im gonna need to take a vial of insulin and mounjaro thus also needles and gonna need a fridge#and ive never met up with these guys before. scared scared scared#i worry if they hate me online what if they do irl. what if im too ugly and annoying :(#delete later
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the ‘personality’ of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that they’re Real but i’m a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how they’re from the narrator’s consciousness which is sick as hell#and i’m unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i don’t know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( i’m not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i don’t know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and it’s all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the ‘what if their blog self Was Real’ but i’m not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably don’t think i know enough and i don’t think they’ll approve if i try. so i Don’t#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but that’s incredibly hopeful#i’ll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to ‘oh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidents’#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that i’m stupid because i didnt try#even though i’m trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else i’ve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends ☝️#man i can’t even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasn’t allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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[trying not to be weird about youtubers] remember when i said this a few weeks or so back
and someone responded to my post like updating me on slimecicles whereabouts. and this is not a diss towards them because i love when people talk to me always. but i also want to prove my point because i love to prove my point
a jrwi patreon update came out today (!!!!!!!!!!) about the riptide hiatus (which im sure all the jrwi fans on tumblr are seething about) (<== saw a post that was salty about the riptide hiatus) (<== <== again no offense to them theyre so warranted for that but still). and they talked about charlie like a LOT? i dont like calling him charlie that feels too personal. they talked about slimecicle like A LOT?
(shivering) it feels weird. maybe im just hypersensitive to this sort of thing. it sounds like hes a dog.
BUT TO MY POINT: WHAT THE HELL HAS HE BEEN DOING???????????? i follow him on instagram and in the last few months hes gone to TWO concerts and visited tednivison and jschlatt and gone to a con where he participated in a panel (about mining). hes making music and painting miniatures. WHAT IS HE DOING? ITS FINISHING NEXT MONTH? SHOULD I BE SCARED? WHO ARE YOU SLIMECICLE?
#me#jrwi posting#yeah sure whatever#im sorry if i sound ODD in stressing that im trying not to be weird about youtubers/slimecicle#its like such a big thing for me. i dont want to be like the dsmp people. thats a whole ass guy#and i worry... about becoming like them....#so excuse me if i sound like annoying or anything. better annoying than a creep#aaaanyway i think the tentative restart of riptide in march-june 2025 is good for me.#it means i can HOPEFULLY watch prime defenders and the other patreon campaigns before riptide again#still um... havent finished riptide. im scared to okay#i need to make riptide/wonderlust last til nov 30 where i can then ask for the patreon as a “i finished college applications” reward#im warranted in this. i feel. i feel like this MAKES SENSE.#okay ENOUGH. everyone shut up
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Hi, I'm sorry in advance if I'm crossing a line here. But I just wanted to know, is there a reason why the replies for your posts are blocked? Most times I wanted to leave comments on your swat posts and I just couldn't
To make a very long and complicated story short, there was this one person who I kept trying to block everywhere on the internet who kept taking advantage of the way all you have to do is create another blog to go around the Tumblr block to talk me, so I kinda blocked this blog all around to try and minimize the chances of them doing something, and while they haven't tried to contact me in a while, I don't feel comfortable opening up the possibility they might show up. Imma be honest, it was hard for me to even open anon asks for a while there. I know it sucks that everything is closed, but the idea they might try to talk to me again is beyond uncomfortable for me, so I can't make myself change those settings.
#i was legit worried for my safety for a while there#and its hard to turn off#it's not just me being annoying#this person legit had me looking up stalking laws and documenting shit because they seriously scared me#and i still don't fully trust the fact that they gave up so things are staying closed#my therapist suffered with that one#anyway this is already more than im comfortable talking about#basically it was irl issues#i really need a tag for asks#anon 😌
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gonna be 19 in less than a week. its hitting me. girl what tha fuck.
#i dont even know if this is a bad thing its just scary#ive gotten a couple goals in for the year? getting a boyfriend and opening commissions being the main two#but it feels like ive spent most of the past year struggling with depression and debilitating anxiety and. ueagh#ive spentnso much time feeling awful and hating myself and not enough time enjoying myself.#i still struggle with doing basic tasks both hobbywise and selfcare wise and just. ueaagh.#i feel gross and annoying and difficult to get along with and awkward and lazy and. uaaaghhhggh#itsso bad rn i cant even put into words how im feeling properly#ive been teetering back and forth on the edge of a depressive spiral a la december 2023 for the past month#and imscared im gonna hit that again. and not have a way to cope and rest through it this time#because i have finals and portfolio stuff and im moving#and i have to help my friend make sure that shes going to have a place to live over the summer#and i have to get my drivers license and i have to get working on community service hours and i have so so so so so much to do and. weh#im scared i wont be able to do any of it#lycan howls
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Need to fix my cringe fail visual memory problems so i can learn more japanese and write an essay on testament’s gender. I will use those 2 new abilities for no other purpose. I dont need to do anything else.
#i do have like a half written timeline/compilation but well i am so scared of getting smth wrong lol. im probably fine. just scared. 👍#learned more today. did not know they were still referred to with a masculine pronoun in strive#and in the dev backyard where they make it clear testament is nb. so its not just a leftover#there was some interview with daisuke a couple months before they were added to strive where he used kare for them? i Did know abt that#testament themself still uses some more masculine speech (mostly when theyre annoyed) so its not all that surprising#idk cool and interesting. would love to inform the people who complain about strive testament being ‘too feminine’ and watch them explode#i just want to see those people explode in general maybe.#their pronouns are still they/them btw. exclusively. i will attack people for saying otherwise. btw#the kat goes meow
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.
#i was so proud yesterday to have managed my panic attack on my own.#i thought i also had managed to do the right thing but turns out it wasn't the best thing i could have done.#today is trying to get rid of the feeling that life is.#im afraid of going home because i feel like i have stepped back so much. that im a weight. that it's annoying that people have to bear wit#all that of me#im sorry... im sorry. i don't have more answers. sometimes someone tell you they have a bad day and you ask them why and your friend will#just tell you. ''idk. im sad today and depressed''. and it's just that. i think. is it justme?#i feel like such a waste#i thought i had had a good breakthrough w my psychiatrist; trying to go with that sensitivity. but turns out im still. it doesnt change the#fact that its stupid and beyond understanding. sigh.#my life is not running away my life is not running away. it feels like it but it doesnt. this too shall pass this too shall pass#stuff that's been built won"t just waste away. everyone has something going on it's called life#i know i have to tell myself it's all in my head. and i am. but. but. but. im still scared#(therapist voice: what purpose is this fear serving? loved one being angry or annoyed at me. are they? it seems like it.) (i am loved this#oo shall pass)#(mantra)#dni dnid dni
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it just hit me that the movie is coming out next month imgonna throw upppppppp
#to be clear this isnt an excited post this is a scared post .#i feel kinda guilty about it with how excited i was about the first 2 movies#but i just cant be anymore paramount and the scu have disappointed me so much within the past year in so many ways ......#shadow is one of my favorite characters his lore makes me go crazy and is one of the things that pulled me into loving sonic so much#but i literally felt nothing while watching that trailer aside from confusion at some of the writing choices being made#like i wasnt expecting an exact recreation of sa2 but why is sonic working with gun . wtf is gerald doing here . why are there no girls .#the only positives to me were things that were cool visually . which doesnt outweigh all the things that have annoyed/disappointed me#like who cares about another cool sonic and shadow fight scene we already have plenty of those .#Anyway. saw some of those new promotional images.#i swear to god if they actually start calling shadow+eggman+gerald team dark#like they suggested they might in that survey from a while back#im gonna become the joker for real#(insert the NO that is NOT solid snake image but it says team dark instead)#also maybe im taking the hedgehog games way too seriously here#but having gerald still be alive and present in some form feels like such a bad idea from a story perspective ... like .#for one shadow lost Everything in the gun raid having gerald still be here feels like its undermining that in a way#but also gerald's whole thing in sa2 is being long dead but still impacting the story despite that . why is he ALIVEEEE#and why is he here over rouge ???? do they just hate women or something#(before someone goes ''it would take too much time/money to animate another cgi character''#maybe the movies should have just been fully animated if that sort of thing was a concern . just saying)
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internet not big enough...saw what is unmistakably his art style and felt like vomiting. it's crazy how someone can continue to poison you even after years of being blocked.
#delete later#I'm starting to spiral. remembering how fucking manic and manipulative and selfish he was.#i hate my past self so bad for not being more firm about my boundaries. for not telling him to fuck off. i deleted so many times.#and he just kept coaxing me into remaking. always saying that it was up to me...but never shutting the fuck up about it until I came back.#did he feel good for love-bombing a bad artist? why did I accept his fake ass affection even though he was super shitty and gross & chaotic#I deleted those art folders years ago but i cant make my own memories go away. i feel disgusting when i think about him.#i feel like i cant breathe and im scared he'll use his own clout against me again to get what he wants until its not fun and then lash out#I know it's irrational but the fear always remains. I hated a lot of preds in that fandom and didnt want the platform or exposure.#I live by the block button still. I don't trust new people still. I hide still. I fucking hate him and myself for enabling his tantrums.#It's not just a bad friendship breakup...he had actual power and influence over everything i did and lied about who he was.#yeah im still scared#I've been doing really well this year about not thinking about him but like#i still dont want to make or post art for that fandom because it makes me panic that hes gonna do some crazy shit or find me or something#im barely even embarrassed by how annoying i used to be because the fear of him lashing out is so much worse#BUT ITS GONE! HES GONE! SO WHY AM I STILL SO FUCKING AFRAID OF WHAT HES GOING TO DO OR SAY IF I POST NEW ART
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btw i think its sooooo important to just say and do things and be loudweird on the internet and talk forever. its bloging we are here to just prance around. you dont have to make yourself Small on your own blog it is your home to share anything in your heart you want forever
#error 0#i love to start a statement with btw even though nothing came before it#anyway like this isnt meant to insult people who Dont talk on their blogs bc they just dont want to#so much as it is encouragement for people who Do want to but are scared of being liek#''cringe'' ''annoying'' etc.#i talk so much all the time in tags on this blog bc i have a lot of things i thiunk and say#and i love to see other peoples' thoughts on posts too#i like thr old conversational aspect of social media i miss its prominence#you can say anything to me on any of my posts at any time ok?#may not mean i have the brainpower to answer but uuauuaouauau.#Sorry im sleepy and still migraine this poast is really on da gibberish side of things i thenk#just thinking about. talking. just in general
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now that ive had an even longer proper sleep, im getting hit with that sense of existentialism again. nothing much matters so fuckall im gonna just do whatever sparks joy and whimsy
#saggitarius szn really coming for my throat and telling me to do everyth scared whATEVER#kept telling myself to wait until i had a good reason to change my pinned post/masterlist/etc#kept thinking that everyth i did was annoying esp with how i keep swerving from proj to proj#its my blog dammit im gonna have fun (throttles shameful!dio)#im still sad abt the trash fire that is obm vanilla and nightbringer but#idc anymore#(anyways so i figured out how to play pmd eos on an emulator and thats been making me rlly happy so there.#thats what ive been doing while waiting for my brain to recharge from making words)#dellet-asides
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