#but if he mirrors my abusers. i will not be able to stomach him

[roanniom]

mechanic eddie is so hot that id break my car on purpose to see him

The Tune-Up

Mechanic!Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, 18+ ONLY, unprotected sex / PIV sex / semi-public sex, dry humping, really shitty and poorly research car mechanic details

So maybe you intentionally bought a clunker when your last car finally bit the dust. Maybe you found a perpetual lemon of a car that you positively knew would conk out on you every other week meaning you just happen to need to take it to the shop all the time. The shop with the hot mechanic who always has his greased up coveralls pulled down and tied around his waist, revealing the tattoos and muscle and sinew that you could look at for hours on end.

So what?

It's the fourth time this month that you have had to roll your hunk of junk into his garage, and you check your make up in the rear view mirror before hopping out, arranging your hand casually on your hip as you see him walking up, wiping his hands on a rag.

"Eddieeeee. It's making that clanking sound again," you call out in a sing-song voice. Eddie gives you a lopsided grin and sweeps his messy curls up into a ponytail, giving you the perfect view of his stretching pecs beneath his thin tank top.

"You know you don't have to keep abusing that poor car just to see me. You can just ask me out, sweetheart."

Your heartbeat leaps into your throat and your jaw trembles.

"I...that's...I..."

"I'm just messin' with you!" Eddie chuckles at your sudden speechlessness and grabs a wrench, kicking the creeper in front of him and flopping down on it to roll under your car on his back.

The moment he disappears you bite your lip to contain a groan. The man is just so fucking fine. You tilt your head to take in the flexing of his thighs - his lower half the only thing visible right now - under the material of his coveralls. Your appreciation is cut short, however, when he rolls out only a moment after.

“You’re staring, sweetheart,” he says with a cheeky grin, rolling back out from under your car but remaining on his back on the roller.

You look away abruptly at being caught.

“You know my car really does just suck and break and stuff,” you argue lamely in answer to his earlier question. Eddie barks out a laugh and rests his arms behind his head so he can relax there while staying reclined and looking up at you. It gives him a perfect vantage point up your skirt, but he keeps his eyes trained on your face.

“How do you know I don’t keep rigging it to break myself so you have to keep coming back here?” Eddie says in a lilting tease. Your gaze snaps back to him and he raises his eyebrows in a challenge. You feel your entire body come alive at the implication of his statement but try to calm your heart beat by remembering that he's always this flirty.

"Oh yeah? Angling for more chocolate chip cookies there, Munson?" you ask, referring to the fact that you'd brought him cookies as an additional tip during the last few tune ups. Eddie licks his lips and looks you up and down slowly in a way that has your stomach flipping. It's almost like he's considering something. His smile is large when it seems like he's made his decision.

"Angling for a kiss is more like it."

Blood rushes to your ears. If he said anything else, you wouldn't be able to hear it because suddenly you're feeling like you're going to pass out and your vision narrows to the point that he's the only thing you can see.

It's late in the day on a Friday and Eddie's the only one in the shop for closing. You know that. It's why you come on those days in particular, to ensure you get him all on your own. The garage door is open to an empty street that's far enough off the beaten path that you don't think any passersby will be ambling around anytime soon.

So you drop your bag, inhale sharply to hold your breath, and step forward so that you stand with your feet planted on either side of his stretched out legs. Eddie's smile widens with surprise that you've actually taken the bait, but his eyes widen even more when you drop down to straddle his lap.

He'd expected you, at most, to kneel down beside him and playfully peck his cheek. Worst case scenario you'd tell him off for his cheekiness.

But here you are, skirt fanned out around to obscure the fact that you are now pelvis to pelvis. You drop your hands to his chest, fisting fingers in his dirty tank top over the knot of his coverall arms tied at his waist.

"Do you want payment before services or after?" you ask, voice surprisingly steady in spite of the rush of nerves and excitement coursing through your veins. Eddie looks dumbfounded for only a split second before the cocky attitude is back. His hands find your thighs and grip you, holding you down against the most intimate part of him.

"How 'bout a down payment to start with?" he asks, sliding his hands up your hips and to your waist, most likely leaving the material smudged with grease. You don't care at all, of course. He could cover your whole body in grease if it meant you got to feel his hands on you everywhere.

So you lean down and bring your lips to his. Your initial intent is a quick peck. But after your mouths meet, Eddie's lips part to let out a sinful moan and suddenly one of his hands is cupping the back of your neck to keep you down on top of him. The peck becomes a kiss, and even that morphs into something a lot more dirty and a lot less dignified.

Not that there's anything dignified about straddling your mechanic in the first place.

"Wow. I never want another fucking chocolate chip cookie ever again," Eddie grunts against your neck once he's pulled away to give you a chance to breathe. You giggle but it turns into a moan as he proceeds to immediately suck a hickie into the skin of your throat.

"I'm glad this form of payment works - ah! Works for you!" you say breathlessly as he moves his lips up to drag and suck at the spot behind your ear. His hands grip your waist so tightly that you feel yourself sinking against him as snug as you can get, the pulse between your legs becoming more and more insistent.

"I'm sorry, but your cash is no longer any good here, baby," Eddie rumbles into your skin and all the laughter stops because in that moment you feel the heat emanating from yourself and from him and that is the exact second that you feel his hardness nudging against you.

You pull back to make eye contact, find him glassy eyed and kiss bitten and rumpled staring back up at you.

"Well I guess we can get that figured out when you finish the job," you whisper, experimentally swirling your hips. Eddie's feet plant more firmly on the floor to keep the motion from pushing the roller, and his now bent thighs create a slope that causes you to slide further down and into his crotch. You both groan collectively at the increased contact.

"I already finished actually. So we can discuss payment now," Eddie says, leaning up and capturing your lips again. You pull back a second later, however, when his words finally register.

"What do you mean you already finished?"

"I just had to tighten a bolt," Eddie says with a grin, lifting up the wrench he had abandoned at his side the moment you'd dropped down on him. Your eyes narrow and your heart skips a beat at the implication.

"How did you know that's all that needed to be done?"

Eddie's grin becomes sheepish, as you anticipated. He drops the wrench back on the ground and rubs the back of his neck.

"I might have....uh....left it a little loose after your last visit. Just to make sure you'd....you know. Brighten this shop up again soon."

You try your best to hide the massive smile threatening to burst out on your face. But you make sure to ask the first question on your mind.

"My car couldn't have, like, fallen apart on the highway or anything with that bolt loose could - ,"

"Oh fuck no!" Eddie cuts you off, gripping at your waist suddenly with how fervent he is in his need to assure you. "I would never have let you drive it if it was dangerous." He averts his eyes before looking back at you with humor sparkling in them. "Now did I want it to make a harmless loud noise so suspicious you had to come back in? Yes."

"Shame on you," you cry out without any malice behind the words at all. In fact, you're laughing and leaning down to kiss him again. Your eagerness causes you to rock up against him and before long, the two of you are back at it hot and heavy.

"Hey," Eddie says, attempting to pull back after a while. You, however, are the one to blaze a trail of kisses down his neck this time. He sucks in a breath and continues. "Hey. I get off in about a half an hour."

"Don't want to wait that long for you to get off. Want it to happen right now," you whisper in his ear before sucking his ear lobe into your mouth. Eddie's eyes roll so far back into his head at the action and the innuendo and you feel his hard cock positively jump against you.

"Can't do this while I'm working, baby," Eddie groans, though his hands actively contradict his words by gripping your hips and encouraging them to continue moving against him.

"Isn't my car the last one for the day?" you ask innocently. As if you aren't grinding your clothed pussy all over his erection out in the open in his place of business with the garage door open and the sun still out. "And you did such a good job fixing it."

"Holy fuck..." Eddie breathes. He had been the confident one. He had been the forward one. He's not sure when the dynamic shifted but dear fucking god he's not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He does still try his best to at least attempt to be a gentleman, though.

"But I'll get you all dirty. Don't wanna ruin your pretty clothes." Eddie says this while biting his lip and sliding his hands down to squeeze at your ass. It makes you gasp and push down against him even harder, exactly as he'd hoped.

"I don't believe you," you breathe. Eddie captures your mouth in another kiss before shaking his head, distracted.

"What don't you believe?"

"I don't believe that you don't want to ruin my clothes. I think you want to get me all dirty," you challenge. Eddie lifts his hand to your face and holds your chin suddenly between his thumb and index finger, staring deeply into your eyes.

"You're a tease and I love it, sweetheart," he says with a chuckle that makes you preen. "But I need to know...what do you actually want right now?"

"You," you say, not even skipping a beat. Eddie's eyes become serious.

"How...how much of me are we talkin'?"

"All of it," you say, your grin spreading.

"Mother of fucking Christ," Eddie grits out before holding onto you tight and pushing off with his feet, rolling the two of you further behind his work bench, effectively shielding you from the outside world. You squeal at the sudden motion and cling to him, so he uses that to his advantage, attaching his lips to your pulse point. One particularly generous suck to your juggular has you keening and bucking down against him, much to his insane pleasure.

"Oh god. Eddie," you gasp. Eddie closes his eyes and furrows his brow.

"Yeah. Say my name again. Please." He attempts to soften the command with the nicety but you would have screamed his name for much less. You sit up more fully in his lap and help him untie the knotted arms of his coveralls, unzipping the last part of them and exposing the tented front of his boxers. He'd felt huge but he looks even bigger.

"Eddie," you whisper, making eye contact before rubbing your hand over his clothed length. His brow furrows even deeper and you could laugh but you don't. Just like you don't continue to tease him because you're teased out yourself. You need him inside you, like, yesterday. So you pull his boxers down and ogle the length and width of him. Everything you could want him to be.

"Can you...you wanna even the playing field here, sweetheart?" Eddie asks with a silly grin that knocks the wind out of you. You nod without even stopping to get too self conscious, swiftly unbuttoning your blouse and letting the two sides hang open, revealing your bra-clad breasts. Eddie groans like he'd been punched.

"You're a fucking goddess, are you fucking kidding me?" he says, as if you've personally offended him. You chuckle at that.

"I think the exhaust fumes in here have messed with your brain, Munson."

Eddie simply snaps the front clasp of your bra, releasing your breasts to that they fall out with a bounce. Eddie moans like a wounded animal.

"Exhaust fumes my ass. You are unbelievable." His hands immediately close around you, squeezing and weighing. "These tits are magnificent."

You scoff at his word choice.

"You're ridiculous," you try to dismiss him, but his fingers playing with your nipple makes it hard to concentrate on any emotion other than lust. You begin gyrating your hips in search of friction, the hood of your mound pressing up against his erection and creating much needed pressure, even through your clothes.

"No, you're ridiculous trying to pretend like you can wait for this dick," Eddie mocks you, noticing exactly what you're doing. You look at him, biting on the inside of your cheek.

"As if you aren't the one making me wait," you toss back. Eddie's eyebrows raise in a challenge.

"You're the one on top, princess."

You huff and immediately lift yourself up, dropping back down over him so that your skirt obscures his view. But Eddie doesn't need to see in order to feel the tightness of you lowering yourself down onto him.

"Holy fucking - ,"

"Shit!" you interrupt him with your own cry. While you're certainly turned on, it was absolutely absurd for you to try and fit him in without any preparation. Eddie is bigger than anyone you've been with before and he's instantly deeper than you knew was possible, thanks to gravity.

"Fuck, that too much, baby?" Eddie asks, immediately alert and clutching your hips, attempting to keep you balanced above him before your pelvises can meet fully. Fuuuck, he's not even all the way in!

"J-just.....oh god. You're just really big," you whimper. Eddie makes to pull you off him but you dig your fingernails into his arms. "No don't want to get off just - ah. I need a minute. Need to...oh."

You're entire body begins trembling when Eddie's finger begins rubbing circles into your clit. You shudder and then feel yourself sink down a little further on his cock. The attention to your sensitive clit has your thighs widening, your muscles relaxing and your pussy becoming wetter by the second.

"Relax. Mmmm there it is, good girl."

His words practically do more than the finger on your clit and you arch into him, rocking against him shallowly.

After another few minutes of these ministrations, you finally feel yourself growing impatient and increasingly turned on. Experimentally you lift up with your thigh, rising till only his tip is inside you, before sinking back down slowly. Your breath is punched out of you with a hiss, but another moment passes and soon you're able to do it again, faster this time. Eventually you work yourself up to a rhythm, bouncing yourself up and down his cock while his face screws up and his fingers dig into your thighs.

"Wanted this for a long time, princess," Eddie grunts out. "Every time you came in I imagined bending you over that hunk of junk you call a car and fucking you till you couldn't walk."

You gasp at his dirty admission and, feeling emboldened by his honesty, decide to be honest yourself.

"I always wanted you to take me in the backseat and fuck me," you whine. Eddie bucks up into you, the drastic motion causing you to both shift back and forth due to the rocking of the roller you're still precariously perched on.

"We're doing this again, you know," Eddie says matter-of-factly. You must look confused by his words because he continues on fervently. "I may have pictured you with this car, but I'm fucking you in a bed next time," he insists. "Okay maybe a kitchen counter if we can't make it to the bedroom, but either way you deserve a room with a closed door."

You laugh at his words, clenching internally and causing him to moan in the process. You're quickly brought back from humor to urgency when you feel his finger on your clit again.

"Yeah. Yeah we're doing this again," you practically hiccup.

Eddie pulls you down on top of him so that he can lick and nip at your neck, his hand still sandwiched between the two of you.

"Listen to the greedy girl. Already thinking of the next time I'll be inside her."

"You're the one who brought up the subject of a next time!" you accuse, but you lose your bite the second he bites into the side of your throat. He soothes the spot with a lave of his tongue.

"Cum on me, baby, and we can get to that next time sooner."

When you cum, only moments later, your cry echoes throughout the garage. The reverberating sound comes back to your ears and shocks you enough that you almost fall out of your ascending headspace, but Eddie's grunts in your ear and fingers digging into your skin block it all out and keep you grounded to him. This allows you to enjoy your orgasm and even benefit from aftershocks as he takes over and plows up into you, chasing his own release. His haphazard thrusts cause the two of you to roll back and forth on the roller. You cling to him to stay stable with all the movement, and your sudden tensing has you clenching around him so tight he has no time to warn you of his impending orgasm. He just calls out your name and drives his cock deep inside you, spilling out into with sputtering hips.

It takes a while for the proverbial dust to settle. Eddie's hand on your back is soothing, but you quickly realize that your thighs are over extended and your body aches from the strenuousness of your sexual activity.

"Easy there, princess," Eddie coos. He helps you up, his cock sliding out of you with the movement. Like a gentleman he slides your panties back over your dripping slit, patting the wet spot fondly, before dropping the hem of your skirt and shifting to guide you up.

You wobble on embarrassingly unstable legs.

"Jesus christ, what did you do to me?" you huff. Eddie encircles you in his arms and lets out a bark of a laugh.

"What did I do?! How is it that you never fully realized that you were on top?" he asks, echoing his previous sentiments. You help him pull his coveralls up to tie at his waist again and he graciously helps button you back into your blouse.

"Well next time I want you to do all the work," you respond cheekily. Eddie's eyes spring back to yours and for a moment you hesitate, wondering if his earlier words were simply born of the heat of the moment. But Eddie's looking at you like you hung the fucking mood and suddenly he's kissing you. Bold and ardently and with a lot of tongue that says everything he wishes to say to you simply with the press of wet muscle to wet muscle.

When he pulls away his lips are shiny and bruised and you're out of breath. He gives you a lopsided smile and scrunches his nose.

"Next time do I still have to fix your car, or -?"

You slap him on the chest and pull him back in for another kiss.

~*~

---

-----

-------

---------

-----------

--------------

-----------------

Hoping tumblr doesn't cut off the actual end of the story!

[worldlxvlys]

texts w/ dealer w benefits! chris (part 23)

dwb! chris sturniolo x reader

warnings: smuttttt, p in v, semi-public sex, mirror sex, cursing

a/n: more dealer chrisss, based on this poll y’all wanted more :)

“holy fuck, chris ! oh my goddd” i moaned as he fucked me against the small bench.

“shhhh, baby. wouldn’t want to get caught, now would we?” he asked as he covered my mouth with his hand.

he had one leg hooked over his shoulder, as his hand harshly rubbed my clit.

“now what was it you were saying about me not fucking you in the fitting room?“ he smirked down at me, watching my face scrunch up in pleasure as i moaned into his hand.

“cause last time i checked, that’s exactly where we are ma” i rolled my eyes at his smugness, making his thrusts slow.

“hmm, you don’t seem like you’re enjoying this, baby”

“ i am, i am, i am !” i rushed out in desperation.

“i’m sorry, just please-“ i cut myself off when he flipped me over, forcing me onto all fours.

“look in the mirror, i wanna see the face you make when i ruin that pussy” he spoke as he lined himself up with my entrance, sliding into me without warning.

i let out a shrill cry as he pounded into me from behind, making him cover my mouth again.

“look away from the mirror and i swear to god i’ll stop fucking you” he whispered into my ear as his chest pressed against my back.

i stared into the mirror, meeting his intense gaze.

“tell me which set you want and why” he spoke, making my brows furrow.

“what?” i mumbled into his hand.

he removed his hand from my mouth and spoke, “you heard me, tell me or i’ll stop. i mean, that is why we’re here right?” he asked, taunting me.

he knows damn well that i can’t concentrate.

“um, i t-think the red one” i cut myself off with a moan “i like all the lace” i struggled to get out.

“mmhm, what else ma?”

my eyes rolled into the back of my head as it fell forward and i felt my stomach begin to tighten.

“what did i tell you? look at the mirror” he spoke as he gripped my jaw, pushing it up so i was looking into the mirror once again.

“now answer me” he said.

i could barely think straight as his hand found my clit again, abusing the bundle of nerves.

“i-i don’t know chris, please just let me cum” i whispered.

“you don’t know? what’s wrong, baby? the feeling of my cock inside of you making it hard to focus? am i making you feel that good?”

“yes, chris. it feels so fucking good ! i’m gonna cum, please let me cum!” i choked out as i began to clench around him.

“fuck, go ahead. give it to me” he groaned out.

my hands gripped onto the bench underneath me as i shook against him, my body being overtaken with pleasure.

in my post-orgasm haze, i was barely able to register chris pulling out until i felt spurts of his hot cum fly onto my lower back and ass, dripping down the back of my thighs.

“god, look at that. you look perfect like this, my cum dripping down your body” he whispered before he brought his tongue to my skin, licking his own pleasure off of my body.

he stared at me through the mirror as his tongue lapped against my skin, making me moan.

“wanna tell me which sets you’re buying now, or did i completely fuck your brains out?”

🌸🌸🌸🌸

THANK YOU FOR 3K GUYS, I LOVE Y’ALL SO SO MUCH <333

DWB CHRIS MASTERLIST.

MAIN MASTERLIST 1.

tag list: @st7rnioioss @lustfulslxt @flowerxbunnie @rootbeerworshiper @mattslolita @its-jennarose @sophssturn @bernardsleftbootycheek @queen161718 @cupidsword @imwetforyourmom @nickmillersn1gf @stramboli4life @mattsneezing @chrisstankyleg @sturniolobltch @ciarasturn1 @bethsturn @bernardenjoyer @mbbsgf @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @ssturniolo @blueeyedbesson @mxqdii @sturniolowhore @heraakayourname @defnotayonna @urmom2bitch @starsturniolo @hearts4chriss @theyluv-meee @carolinalikesthings @itzdarling @chrisstopherfilmed @sstvrnioloo @littlebookworm803 @nicksdrpepper @chrisloyalgf @robins-scoop @fandomhopped @chr1sgirl4life @bbglmfao @55sturn @sturniolololover @meg-sturniolo @mattsnymphette @leah-loves-lilies @vanteguccir @ineedchriscock @junnniiieee07

[megameatymatt]

Step By Step - Matt Sturniolo

summary: Matt finds out about y/n's ED relapse

WARNINGS: e@t!ng d!sorder, swearing, throwing up, gagging, crying, self-hatred/insecure, feelings of hopelessness, overthinking

If you or anyone you know is dealing with an ED or substance abuse, call or text:  1-800-662-4357.

word count: 766

requested?: nope

A/N: I was feeling sad so all of you must suffer with me. Feedback, interaction, and requests are appreciated! ok bye

Pink: Y/n

Blue: Matt

------------------------------------------------------------

Matt knows you've dealt with an eating disorder in the past. He wasn't there during it, but you've talked to him about it and answered some of his questions. It didn't make you any less perfect in his eyes. To him, all that mattered was you being okay. But you weren't.

Four years later, you feel like you're falling back into it all over again—all the progress you've made, discarded within just a couple weeks.

You stare at yourself in the mirror and wish someone different stared back at you. You pinch at the skin on your thighs, stomach, and arms and wish the fat would disappear.

You sob silently. How can someone hate themselves so much, How couldn't you hate yourself so much, Y/n? Look at you, just look at you! You're lucky matt even stays. Thoughts circle around your head like a halo. Leaving you in nothing but shatters.

You walk to the toilet, shove a finger down your throat, and gag

The cycle begins.

Two weeks later, you walk into your kitchen to find Matt standing there. "Good morning, angel, I'm making pancakes. How many do you want." The thought of putting food in your mouth makes you sick. "Um, Matt, I'm not hungry." Matt frowns. "You love my pancakes, baby, what's the matter?" you shuffle through your brain, thinking of an excuse. "I'm full from last night, Y'know, the pizza." You, Matt, nick, and Chris had had a movie night. The boys ordered pizza and snuggled up on the couch as you all giggled.

"I watched you the whole night, Y/n, I didn't see you take a single slice," he says, flipping a pancake. "In fact i haven't seen you eat much at all lately, You alright?" Eat? How can he suggest such a thing? doesn't he want me to be pretty? i wanna be good enough to wear a bikini. I wanna be good enough to wear skin tight dresses, i wanna be good enough for him.

You shake away these thoughts trying your best to keep your composure. "I'm good, just give me one okay?" you say letting out a sigh. He smiles "Comin' right up princess" He hands you a plate with a pancake, syrup, whipped cream and some strawberries. Matt has already started digging into his own plate.

just a few bites Y/n, just let Matt think you're okay

You pick up your fork and knife with shaky hands, cut yourself a piece and quickly shove it it your mouth. Your body wants to immediately reject it, but you take a few more bites.

As soon as you swallow your first bite, it flies back up your throat. You get up and run to the bathroom. Matt follows you with concern. "Are my pancakes that bad?" he says, running after you. But as he walks into the bathroom. He notices how frail you've become. Tears are running down your eyes, and he finally realizes. You finish puking and flush the toilet and lean against the wall, almost lifelessly.

A few tears escape Matt's eyes. How could he be so stupid? how didn't he put it together? It was so obvious. He could've helped you. Why would you do this?

He runs out of the bathroom to get a glass of cold water, then quickly comes back to hold you. The only thing that could escape from his mouth was "Why"? "Just look at me, Matt, I hate it, I hate my body so fucking much, Matt, you don't even understand," you say, trying your best to yell, tears running down your face.

Matt is completely taken aback "But you're so beautiful, baby, You're hurting yourself. You were doing so good." You sob in Matt's arms, barely able to speak. "I-I'm sorry, Matt. I just wanted to be pretty." Your words felt like a knife in Matt's stomach.

''I tried so hard to fight it, Matt, I didn't want to go down this path again. I promised you I wouldn't. The words spill out like vomit, "But I did it anyway, Matty." You whine, "And it's worse than before. I'm so ashamed Matt. I'm sorry i'm putting you through this" Tears rush you your face, and you're shaking uncontrollably. The knife in Matts stomach only gets pushed deeper and deeper. "I'm sorry i never noticed Y/n, i'm so fucking stupid. The signs were so clear, i could've helped you." He wipes the tears off your cheeks. "But i'm gonna help you now baby." "I can't Matt" "we're gonna do it together okay? Step by step, Y/n. We'll be just fine"

Taglist: @sturnobsessedwh0re

[ch3rryflav0ur]

Songs that I like as Enhypen's fics: Flasdrive

-> pairing : heeseung x fem!reader

-> genre : smut, angst, toxic behavior , strangers to friends with benefits

-> warnings : dirty talk, reader is kinda of a bitch, Jake is a hoe, swearing, unprotected sex (don't be dumb pls), jealousy, possessivness, degradation, praising, creampie

-> 18+ content bellow, minors DNI

-> sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.

-> reblogs and feedbacks are appreciated !

-> masterlist

So fill my cup up Till I feel love, wait that's too much, now I'm fucked Up. Soon the re up from you, from you.

Y/n didn't feel in a good mood for a party tonigh, but she had promised her classmate Hana that she would accompany her today so she have an excuse and talk to his new crush, Jake Sim. Y/n knew that deep down she only went to parties to drink, sleep with strangers, and forget about herself for a moment, very immature and she was aware of it.

So there she was, wearing a sundress, glossy lips, schrolling Instagram, waiting for someone to stop her while she drank her fourth glass of vodka and soda "gosh the music sucks" she though.

What she didn't know is that for an hour Jake's friend, Lee Heeseung, had been watching her while he was talking to another girl but for some reason that girl alone caught his attention. He didn't know her name but what he did know that it was the first time he had seen someone take four drinks in an hour. Heeseung shamelessly made a dumb excuse to the girl he was talking to address the lonely cute girl leaning on the kitchen table looking so unawared about her own presence.

Y/n noticed someone approaching her and she just looked up from her cell phone to see who it was, a tall cute guy. "What are you drinking?" Heeseung ask while his eyes fixed on her cute sundress and tattoos, he doesn't really have a type, what he really likes is a good time without caring too much about his feelings.

"I can make you some if you want" Y/n said as she take an empty cup and filles with cherry vodka and strawberry sparkling soda to the top, almost spilling the drink when Heeseung took it. Y/n laught at him, she though he was cute.

"How are you not already drunk with this?" Heeseung said as his eyes closed as he noticed the strong taste of alcohol in his mouth.

"You're just weak" Y/n said looking at him.

"Do I look weak to you?" Heeseung ask her raising his eyebrows and she just got quiet thinking while she finish her cup.

"I don't know big boy, prove it"

"how?" He said playfully and Y/n bite her bottom lip as her mind go feral.

"with me"

Run me dry, I can never hide.

From all of these thoughts, no.

All of these thoughts

"stay fucking quiet or do you want to be heard by my friends?"

Y/n tried to be quiet as Heeseung keep pounding on her from behind, her hands gripped the sink tightly, feeling her entire body tremble, Heeseung was an enigma, he seemed like someone calm almost like a loser but right now he behaves like a completely different person, his eyes were darker, his hesitant words were now just derogatory orders and realizing that she kept her head down make him grabbed her hair without any gentleness, making her neck straighten and making look at herself in the mirror. "faster..." She gasp and the boy only smirk at her, it's been a long time since he found a girl like her. "deeper...fuck!"

Heeseung accelerated monstrously the movement of his hips as he noticed that Y/n desperately wanted more friction between their bodies, his right hand going towards between her legs abusing her clitoris with his long fingers making her started moaning louder, her breathing was sharp and she just wanted to be able to cum once for all in front of that stranger. She could feel that sensation of being close in her stomach, her small hands were slipping from the sweat emanating from her own body, now resting them on the bathroom mirror while Heeseung was also about to fill her completely. "I'm cl-close" she moan feeling her whole body started to convulse noticing that Heeseung's fingers were going faster, so much pleasure, it started to hurt after a while. "Wait... it's too much Heeseung..." y/n gasp as his fingers keep moving ,she tried to push him away with her hands but he just pushed her further against the small sink making her adorable face against the mirror, heeseung laughed at her as he grabbed both of her arms and held them tightly against her back.

"Every time I am aggressive with you I notice how you squeeze me" he said as his thrusts were now slower but deeper, reaching all the places no one could, edging himself as his voice start to sound husky "such a good pussy" he whisper on her ear as he fucked her deep, with each thrust y/n could feel his cock hitting her cervix as she squeeze him without realizing it, Heeseung was so close and seeing her with tears in her eyes only made him hornier "I though you could take my cock better but I see you are the weak one babe".

"It hurts..." y/n rolled her eyes as she was about to fainted from the exquisite pain and Heeseung with one last thrust held her with all his strength and stayed inside, filling her pussy while y/n almost screamed cumming again, deliciously hugging his cock as heeseung put his hand on her mouth to silent her since Jake's house has paper walls.

"good girl" heeseung said as he kiss her shoulder and rest his head on her back for a minute, only the heavy breathing could be heard in the small bathroom. Heeseung pulls out of her, watching his cum run down her thighs. "Now lets get the fuck out of here, this party sucks" Hee said as he help her cleaning her up, Y/n blushed.

"And these good times turn to bad times so soon, so soon"

Heeseung in every party looked for her in the little crowd without her noticing , she was always smiling and flirting with strangers even with his friends and also, she was always with this girl named Hana which seems to be jake's girl or something since they look so disgustingly close the other day. Jake was his friend since the first year of college and he was a person who got bored of girls quickly, like him, he thought.

Sometimes Heeeung would just send her a message and then they spend the entire day on heeseung's apartment fucking like rabbits, watching movies, sharing thoughs about the things they like each other but never really talking about the entire situation that was making Y/n overthinking in the nights.

Heeseung sometimes found a lipstick in his pocket, he knew that she did it with the intention of seeing each other again, he smiled grabbing the small tube of gloss after leaving his apartment.

"You know Hana? the blonde one?" Jake asked his friends, among them Heeseung, who remained silent while drinking. He was always the quietest and kept almost his entire private life to himself.

"why? Are you bored of her already" heeseung asked Jake and everyone looked at him silently. Jake nodded.

The difference between Heeseung and Jake was that Jake treated them too fucking well, making them believe that there was really something magical between them and Heeseung, well, he just avoided them in public and fuck them in the dark.

Maybe he was insecure or just an asshole.

"Jake, you are wasted as fuck but it's your turn, truth or dare?" Sunghoon asked him.

"dare, I'm already drunk enough" Jake said with red cheeks smiling too much "but please don't make me sniff popper again like fucking beomgyu didt it before"

"No don't worry, I will help you actually, you own me later" sunghoon smirk "I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl at the party" sunghoon said looking at Hana but Jake got up from the floor where he was sitting in a circle with other people and his gaze fell on Y/n who was sitting on the living room couch alone, Jake approached her putting his hands on the couch and then kissing her.

Y/n kiss him back.

Heeseung saw it from the kitchen, throwing one of the two glasses he was carrying in his hand into the sink.

That day Heeseung disappeared from the party and so did two bottles of rum.

Jake took the opportunity and went after Y/n after that kiss. "Fuck, you're so pretty" Jake said on top of her in his bed, his veiny big hands caressed her breasts, her face and her hair softly, he brush her hair to the side. "I guess Heeseung didn't fuck you real good"

And I don't even want you but everytime that I'm with you It always seems to go down so smooth, I always loose

Are you fucking Jake behind my back?"

"Behind your back?" Y/n said it while her cheeks turned a carmine color. "Are we something? No, so you don't have to talk to me that way."

"such a good friend, I bet Hana is so happy that her girl friend fuck her crush" heeseung replied sarcastically while applauding.

"Why does it bother you so much that I slept with someone else?" She asked him "Be honest."

Heeseung hate how his heart sank down."I don't know " he sigh

"You know exactly why, just said It" She said as she approached him, her warm and small hand took Heeseung's waiting for that answer, an answer that never left Heeseung's lips "I'm sick of this Heeseung" Y/n let go of his hand almost sobbing while she leave his apartment "Oh and don't worry, I won't punch Hana just because you slept with her like you did with Jake."

[starlightazriel]

bee 2

desc: (fem reader) modern au best friends to lovers, roommate az, angsty + smutty, multiple parts (not sure how many yet at least 5)

warnings: 18+, drug/alcohol abuse, reader being self concious, jealous az, SEXUAL TENSIonnn, sex dream

wc: 4.1k

other parts will be found on my azriel masterlist

two

I was completely mortified. I could hear Azriel getting ready for the beach in the morning, and no matter how badly I had to pee I refused to exit my room. There was no way I could face him yet.

I hadn't even known how long he had been standing there. Had he heard me moan his name?

I watched my door, listening waiting to hear the front door swing shut. I see darkness under my door and i bite my lip knowing he's standing on the other side.

Don't knock, don't knock, don't knock.

The house was so quiet I could hear him sigh before walking away from my door and I finally heard the front door close.

My phone chimes a moment later as I walk to the bathroom and my stomach churns when I see Azriels name pop up on the screen. i know you worked late i didn't want to wake you up. you gonna come out to the house when you get up?

I swallowed locking my phone again, I'd respond later.

I couldn't stop thinking about what was going through Azriels head. He was probably judging me. I used the bathroom and went back to my room, staring at myself in the mirror. I felt so ashamed, what kind of person just did that in someone else's bed?

I groaned to myself falling back on my bed pressing my hands into my face. He probably thought that I was obsessed with him now. 'your bed is comfortable?' Thats what I had come up with?

And the women he hooked up with? The ones he would meet in bars or bring home from clubs... They just weren't like me. Even though he never really had anything serious except once or twice, his ex girlfriends? All older than him, seasoned, sometimes even married.

It had been near impossible to focus on any homework or studying I hadn't texted Azriel back, hoping he would just leave it alone thinking I was just busy with school work.

My phone chimes with another text, the afternoon sun was peeking through my curtains, I knew I should get up and get out of the house.

kats looking for you. you should get outside you been in all day.

i have a lot of homework azriel I squinted, looking down at the text I had just sent. Since when did I become so formal with him?

please..for me?

My heart leapt and I read the words over and over, pulling my lip between my teeth. Another message popped up.

and for kat? she's begging over my shoulder and she wants me to tell you her phones dead and that's why she hasn't called herself

I sighed softly, that seems more like it, not for Azriel. For Kat, who probably was telling him what to say.

Kat and I had been fast friends ever since Rhys hired her into the shop, she was an aspiring tattoo artist working out her days at the front desk until she was ready to start her apprenticeship. Our friend ship was easy, she was one of the first female friends that I had ever had in my life that I actually trusted.

She sort of knew about my feelings for Azriel, maybe not the extent, but she knew. It wasnt that hard for anyone to figure it out with the way that I looked at him. Anyone except for him, I guessed. Kat had blatantly asked me about it one day, I remembered blushing furiously and staring down at my drink which had been answer enough for her. She pushed me to make a move for a while and eventually gave up, realizing that I would never grow the confidence or the balls to actually do anything about it.

okay give me twenty I finally responded after a long few minutes of debating wether or not I could handle that right now after what had happened yesterday. It had barely even been twenty four hours.

I shake my head, looking at myself in the mirror again, I looked horrible. My hair was messy and I had dark circles under my eyes from working late and not being able to sleep.

I at least had to shower and blow dry my hair. I couldn't show up looking like this. Even if the fate that awaited me was bound to be relentless torture until I was back in the safe confines of my room. Would Azriel even speak to me in person? I wasnt sure I wanted him to, the embarrassment of what he had caught me doing was enough let alone the fact that he had now seen me completely naked. In broad daylight at that. I didnt look like the thinner taller women that Az usually went for, so when I fantasized about what our first time could be like, the lights were always off.

"You're an idiot," I told my reflection, freshly showered and at least a little more presentable. I put on my cream colored string bikini, some shorts, and tied a hoodie around my shoulders, knowing that soon it would be cold on the beach with the evening approaching, I wouldn't stay that long, but just in case. "Azriels probably going to disown you and kick you out of his apartment as soon as he realizes youre a creepy little fuck that's obsessed with him," I added, grimacing at my expression. "And now youre an idiot who's talking to yourself," I groaned again, wishing I could be anywhere else, or anybody else.

-

"Where's your mind been at today?" Rhys asks, plopping down in the sand next to Azriel on the outskirts of the group. They had a fire going the group was lively, Kat dancing to the music that Rhys had put on, Cassian watching, a beer in hand talking to Riley, their newest tattoo artist at the shop. Cass and Azriel himself weren't exactly a fan of the guest artist but what Rhys said they had to go with, as the owner of the shop, he always had the final say. Azriel shrugged, taking a long sip of his drink, his eyes flicking to Rhys.

"Just didnt sleep much," he responds, leaning back into the sand.

"Y/n!" Kat screams then, Azriels eyes land on Bee in the distance, Kat running for her full bore. He swallowed hard watching as they stop a little ways from the outskirts of the rest of the group, his eyes raking over Bees body clad in a little bikini. Her eyes land on his too, for a moment, they quickly dart nervously back to Kat. Azriel wondered what she was thinking, he wondered if she would approach him or ignore him all night.

"The fucking tits on her, you pierced those Cass? What kind of nipples does she have?" Rileys voice interrupted Azriels thoughts and he felt his mouth go dry, his entire body tensing.

"Careful," Cassian warned him, knowing exactly how Azriel could be when anyone disrespected Bee, but now it felt different for Azriel. It wasnt just about feeling the need to protect her, he felt... Jealous. "You know that's classified, client confidentiality," Cass smirked and his eyes drifted over to Azriel who was now completely seething. Who the fuck did Riley even think he was?

"She's off limits," Azriel simply says, trying to mask his tone the best he could from the growl that threatened to slip out.

"Says who, you? She's grown," Riley rises to his feet to greet the pair. Azriel can't bring himself to peel his eyes away.

"I'll fuck him up Rhys," Azriel threatened, his beer forgotten in the sand as he watched the three of them closely.

"I got a good lawyer for you when you do," Cass snickers softly, standing to grab himself another beer from the cooler.

"No ones fighting," Rhys says, glancing between the two of them before rolling his eyes. "Why you so touchy tonight Az?" he just shakes his head, trying his best to tear his eyes away.

"I told you, Im just tired," he stood up, brushing the sand off of himself and advances to monitor the situation.

-

No, no, no no. Don't come over here. Not so soon. I felt like I was going to pass out when I saw Azriel advancing toward us. Kat was annoyed by Rileys approach because she had been trying to figure out why I showed up so late and to ask what had happened yesterday because all I had done was send her 'I need to go live under a rock and die' without any further explanation.

"Bee, you finally left your homework," Azriel speaks, standing directly next to Riley who he'd interrupted, not that I had been listening, I had been internally panicked about this exact moment.

"Well- I um- yeah I got what I needed to done," I lied awkwardly, struggling to get a single word out underneath Az's blatant stare. When had he ever looked at me like that? My gut churned at the thought of what he might actually be thinking. Kat looked between the two of us, squinting, her lips pursing together slightly. She knew she had missed something. He glanced at Riley, annoyance flashing in his eyes and then back at me, I could tell he wanted to say something.

"I can tell you are both dying to get her alone, but I need her first," Kats words had me blushing furiously. Both of them? Dying to get me alone? What was she even thinking? Riley maybe, as he always seemed to flirt with me anytime I would drop by the shop or find myself hanging out with them when Kat or Azriel gave me an invite. But I was almost positive the last thing that Azriel wanted was to be alone with me, maybe to tell me to pack my shit and go. I opened my mouth to say something along the lines of telling her to shut up but she was dragging me away toward the house, away from the beach and the fire they had going. I wondered what the guys were saying, glancing over my shoulder as we walked toward the wrap around porch overlooking the beach. Azriel and Riley were standing there talking now, it looked heated.

"What's going on with you two? Azriel has barely said a word all day and you can't even look him in the face when he shows up," she eyes me, a small smirk threatening at her lips. "You finally fucked him didnt you?" her smirk breaks out in a grin and I pale slightly, falling back into one of the patio chairs.

"I wish. It's bad," I groan, pressing my hands into my face. I didnt even know how to tell her what had happened. I knew it would sound so much worse out loud.

"Im dying to know, you have to tell me," she giggles quietly, her already bubbly voice enhanced with her drunken state.

"He caught me using my vibrator in his room Kat. Im fucking done for," my voice is so quiet that if it wasnt for her laugh I would have thought she didnt even hear me.

"Girl that's crazy. Shit, you have more balls than I thought, maybe more than me," her hand flies to her mouth, my cheeks warm with embarrassment.

"Kat its not funny. I just single handedly destroyed any chance I ever have for him to see me as anything more than the stupid little immature little girl that hes always had to look after," my face is covered by my hands again, and I suddenly wished that I had never even come here.

"You never know y/n," Kat said and I pulled my hands away to look at her. "Maybe this will finally make him realize how much of a woman you've grown into," she added, I swallowed, considering as I looked out to the beach and the water, the boys were sitting around the fire smoking now, laughter could be heard in the distance but I didnt hear Azriels and I paled when I noticed him walking toward the house.

"Hes coming," Kat squeaks out giggling softly and standing up.

"Don't leave me here," I begged quietly, it felt like a rock was forming in the pit of my stomach. She only flashed me a devilish grin before turning around.

"Oh good Az, you can keep y/n company while I get our drinks," Kat threw me one more glance and winked in encouragement, I threw her daggers in response and I suddenly felt naked as Azriel took a seat across from me. The air was cooler now, the sunset quickly approaching. Azriels eyes flicked to my chest, my nipples showing through the thin fabric and his throat bobbed his eyes quickly flicking to mine and I averted my gaze. I couldn't remember him ever looking at me this much.

"Hey," he cleared his throat, and I look at him again, hes blushing. Maybe he was just as embarrassed as I was.

"Um hi," I smile weakly, a blush creeping onto my own cheeks, it was unbearably awkward and I would have to get back at Kat for this some way later.

"So..." he started and I silently begged to any existing higher power to please not let him bring up yesterday. "Are you going to tell me why you were in my room?" he finally said, and I felt my gut reel, wishing a hole would open in the earth beneath me and swallow me up. I shifted in my seat, our eyes met again and there was something new there but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"I told you... Your bed is comfortable," my voice is strained and I felt hot, I wished for him to stop looking at me like that. I couldn't handle his intense stare, I fought the urge to put my hoodie on. He raised his eyebrows, leaning back in his seat, amusement twinkled in his eyes.

"So that's what youre going with?" he cocked his head slightly, tipping his chin up. He was drunk maybe a little high too, I could tell by the way he carried himself, the slight slur in his words.

"I-" I started but couldn't find anything to say, heat pooled in my core at the sight of him, the way his jaw flexed slightly as he waited for my response. "Yeah," I finally mumbled pathetically, he stares his eyes not leaving me I could tell he wanted to ask more questions, wanted to continue.

"What did Riley want?" he then asks, my brows draw together in confusion but I'm grateful for the subject change.

"Riley? Oh, um, there's a piece Ive been wanting to get done and hes only charging me materials we were just talking about it," I swallow, he squints slightly, clearly it was the first he had heard about this, I was sure Riley would have said something.

"Why? You don't want me to do it?" He asked then, an edge in his tone now, a challenge. I swallowed before opening my mouth, and then closing it. My cheeks were blazing as I uncomfortably shifted in my chair, I didnt know how to feel about the air between us. It felt suffocating.

-

"I- Its just in kind of an intimate place, I didnt think you would want to," Bee finally said, she was fidgeting nervously with her fingers, eyes kept darting to his and then away again.

"An intimate place?" Azriel asked slowly, his eyes narrowing slightly, his spine straightened at the thought of Riley tattooing her, his hands on her. It made him sick.

"Come on guys," Kat interrupted, Azriels eyes flickered to her, annoyance written on his face. He made a mental note to further investigate when he was at the shop the next day. "Drunk never have I ever, Rhys brought a bottle," she giggles and grabs Bees hand, Azriel stands to follow them.

"What are we, twelve?" Azriel asked and rolled his eyes as he follows them back to the group, he watched Bee closely as she pulled her hoodie over her body. He was secretly relieved since he hadn't been able to tear his eyes off of her since she had arrived.

"Oh shut up, it will be fun," Kat says as they approached the group, all finding seats around the fire in the sand. Rhys poured a cup of tequila for every one of them, Azriel smiled seeing Bee out of the corner of his vision, sniffing the liquor and scrunching her nose in distaste. They began playing, quickly all becoming quite drunk, he couldn't keep his eyes off of Bee, he wondered if she noticed. She would just blush and look away every time.

Azriel had to give it to Kat, it was entertaining. They were also certainly learning new things about each other. It was dark now, the only light from the fire and the moon, the waves lapped gently against the beach, and it was kind of peaceful.

"Never have I ever had a threesome," Riley said, Azriels eyes flicked to Bee, she didn't drink, neither did Kat. He took a small sip and her eyes widened slightly but she quickly looked away from him, Rhys and Cass also drank and Riley smirked at the two women. "Maybe we can go fix that for all three of us," he said smoothly, licking over his lip, his eyes were fixed on Bee who was blushing furiously now, Azriel tensed, his grip tightening on his cup.

"Oh shut up, y/n and I could find someone so much hotter to have a threesome with," Kat giggles softly, gently nudging her with her shoulder. "Az, its your turn, you have to go," everyone turned to him expectantly, he shrugged, his eyebrows raising slightly as he tried to think of something to say, he had skipped his last two turns.

"Never have I ever fell in love," he finally said, Bees eyes flicked to him and she looked at him curiously, she took a small sip from her cup along with everyone else. "Guess Im the only one."

"You have no heart," Cass snickered, earning a dirty look from Azriel.

"Or youre all just soft," he said back before beginning to roll himself a spliff, Rhys laughed and shook his head. Azriel couldn't help but wonder which one of Bees dumbass ex boyfriends she had been in love with. There was only a couple, he hadn't approved of either of them at the time. "Bee?" Rhys asked then, watching her expectantly, she shrugs looking up to the sky as if it would give her an answer.

"Never have I ever got off from head?" Bee finally says before looking back at the group, everyone took a sip from their cup. Azriels eyes fixed on her now, and he was chewing the inside of his lip, the spliff he had been rolling finished on his lap now. He imagined fixing that for her, he imagined his lips and his tongue all over her body, the sound of her moans filling the room. What the fuck was wrong with him? The thought made his pants feel just the slightest bit tighter.

"That's a sad life, I can fix that one for you too," Riley chimed in, a smirk plastered on his face. Azriel squinted, cleared his throat, his chin tilting up in Rileys direction. Bee was blushing, her eyes fixed on Azriel now.

"No ones fixing anything for anyone," Azriel shrugged, picking up his spliff finally to light it. He noticed Kat looking between him and Bee an excited light in her eyes, what was that about?

"Never have I ever got caught or caught someone masturbating!" Kat chimes out, Bees face goes completely pale and then red a second later before she looks at Kat a horrified expression on her face. They both drank from their cups, eyes only meeting for a split second. She told Kat about what happened? Big mistake.

"So that's why it's been so weird between you two," Cass is snickering from the corner. "I have to ask though, who caught who?" he adds and Bee rose to her feet, quickly, dusting the sand off.

"Bathroom," she manages to get out before she whirled on the group and started walking quickly back toward the house.

"Well that wasnt awkward at all," Cass laughs again, looking back to Kat. Azriel rolled his eyes, dusting the sand off of his clothes as he stands as well.

"Nice one Kat," Azriel growled quietly, she threw her hands up in defense, apologizing quietly. Azriel didnt really care what they would say after he walked away, that didnt really matter. He just wanted to check on her.

He found Bee pacing back and forth in the kitchen nervously and he leaned against the door frame, watching her curiously. He didnt understand his new found interest in his best friend. She had always just been his best friend Bee...

"It's normal you know," he finally spoke, causing her to almost jump out of her skin.

"Can you stop sneaking up on me?!" she demanded, holding her hand to her chest before relaxing. "Yeah, it's normal but not in your roommates room," she added, Azriels lips twitched, a smile threatening at them.

"You wanna go home?" he asked, changing the subject, he gestured toward the front hall of the house that lead to the front door. She relaxed again, looked toward the window out at the group.

"What are they gonna say?" she bit her lip, looking back at Azriel who drew his brows together.

"Bee, we live together, remember? It's normal for us to leave together."

-

Azriel advanced, dropping to his knees in front of his bed before her. Bee looked down at him with her big doe eyes, her lips parting in surprise. She whispered his name softly, holding her vibrator to her clit, it buzzed softly and he pushed her legs open more, his fingers gently squeezing the soft skin of her inner thighs. He groaned softly, dipping his head between her legs and gently lapping up her wetness. She moaned his name again, her voice breaking slightly, her free hand found his hair as her body shook gently beneath him, he knocked the toy away, his lips wrapping around her clit and he sucked on her soft skin, moaning against her at the taste, she cried out again, Azriels name leaving her lips-

Azriel woke to the sound of his alarm and he rolled over, groaning and smashing his hand onto the beeping alarm clock.

"Fucking hell," he breathed, his head absolutely pounding from the amount they had drank last night. His cock ached, completely rock solid from the dream he was having. He rubbed his face, rising to his feet. He knew he had too many early clients to take care of that now, when was the last time he even had a fucking wet dream? High school?

Azriel exited his room to go have a cold shower, Bee smacked into him instantly, their bodies colliding, Azriel held her arms to steady her, their eyes meeting. He rose his eyebrows, usually she was in class on Mondays by now. Or on her way at least. Her lips were slightly parted, cheeks flushed deeply as she looked up at him, he could feel his morning wood throbbing between them. "Late?" he finally speaks, his voice husky from sleep. She seems to snap out of it, shaking her head slightly pulling away, he doesn't miss her eyes widen when they settle on his hard cock that was pressed against his boxers. His cheeks warm as he wondered what she was thinking.

"Y-yes," she stuttered, peeling her eyes away from him finally, her eyes flicking back up to his face. "I'll see you later," she choked out before all but running out of the apartment.

Azriel sighed quietly, missing how easy it had been between them only days ago. He couldn't look at her without wanting to rip her clothes off, he couldn't talk to her alone without her dying to get away, he couldn't even be in his bed without being reminded of her in his bed.

Azriel decided that best friends or not, he would be the one to take care of her next time she needed a roll in the sheets. Maybe then they could act normal, maybe the awkwardness would dissipate. Maybe there was just a weird tension between them now that could be fixed by them fucking.

He had to get rid of his new found curiosity some way. It felt wrong even thinking like that, but he needed to know now. She wasnt just Bee anymore, she was fucking hot, and he didnt understand how he had never even noticed before.

-

a/n: sorry this took so long!! not proof read yet so if you see mistakes lmk <3 comment to be tagged in the next part

[a1307s]

Mating Season #2

(Garfield Logan Smut)

[Art work is not mine! Credit to Beastie_Boy107]

Requested by: Myself

Keys:

None

Word Count: 4293

Warnings and/or Pre-Notes:

Oral

Fingering

Overstimulation

Choking

Hair pulling

Cursing

Mentions of abuse

———————————————————————

     "Good morning," Gar whispers, littering soft kisses over my shoulder.

     "Morning," I whisper back, shifting to turn towards him. I wince in pain, my body aching everywhere from the night before.

     "I'm sorry," he says, covering my cheeks and nose with butterfly kisses. "Are you okay?"

     "Ya, just a little sore."

     "I'm sorry," Garfield says again, his hands sliding down my sides and taking hold of my hips. The bruises there ache under his touch. "You go take a relaxing shower, ya? And I'll run to the drug store." I hum in response, closing my eyes again to soak in the warmth of our bed. "I'll be right back" he says, placing a soft kiss on my lips before rolling out of bed.

     I listen to Gar shuffling around the room before slipping out the door. I stay in bed for a few minutes before finally sitting up. Pain creeps up the scratch on my back and aches pool at the bite marks covering my stomach. "It's going to be a very long day," I mumble to myself, slowly crawling out of bed.

     The walk to the bathroom is slow, my hips screaming in disagreement as I force myself to move. After the struggle to get to the bathroom, I start the water and decide to take a bath instead of a shower. There is no way I'll be able to stand long enough to shower.

     As the tub fills, I take the chance to check my nudeness in the body mirror. After last night I'm more marks than skin. I do a quick tally count of markings; 53 hickies, 27 scratches, and 89 bite marks. "The fuck Gar?" I ask the empty room. No wonder I'm in so much pain.

      I shake the image out of my head and waddle towards the tub. I turn the water off and dump in some non-scented Epsom salt. The last thing I need is any of the wounds to get infected from scented bath salts. It's a bit of a struggle trying to lift myself into the bath and then sit down but I do manage with a lot of aches and pains but hey, I did it.

     I'm not in the bath long before Garfield is back from the store. "Babe?" he calls, popping his head into the bathroom. "There you are," He chirps, walking into the bathroom with a bag on his arm. He sets it down on the sink before coming to sit next to the tub. "You feeling better?"

     "A bit," I answer, leaning forward to press my forehead against his.

      Garfield smiles at me, sticking his hands into the water to hold my sides. Once again, his fingertips are pushing into more marks but that's no surprise. It's hard not to with how many there are. "You look so pretty," he murmurs, rubbing circles into my skin.

     Gar's head picks up before dipping down to my neck. "Don't you dare," I hiss, lifting my hands from the water to tug his head away from me.

     "Why not?" he whines, tugging my hands out his hair and dipping his head back down. "You look so pretty with them, and I want to give you more." Beasty keeps a hold of my wrists in his hands as he starts licking me, using his tongue to trace over his workings of last night.

     "You should really talk to Nightwing," I say, trying to ignore the feeling of him and the stirring starting to build between my legs.

     "Why would I do that?"

     Beasty's teeth skim over the skin of my shoulder which is a nice break from the constant attacks that have been happening since yesterday. "To try and help with this. Not to be graphic but we don't know how long your... um... 'mating season' will last. I don't mind the aggression, but I hurt... a lot. If we're not careful I could get seriously hurt."

     "I'm sorry. I don't like hurting you and I'm trying really hard not to," he says, his lips grazing the top of my breast as he speaks.

     "I know, Gar. It's just a lot on my body."

     He hums, pressing kisses across my breasts before turning his lips towards my wrists still held in his hands. There's bruises around them from Beasty's tight hold last night. He works his way up from my wrists across my forearms and up my triceps before settling on my shoulder again. New hickies are left in his wake.

     "Gar," I whine, shifting in the tub to try detaching him from me. "Knock it off. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you."

     "Let me fuck you again and then we can go talk to Nightwing," he bargains, dropping my wrists so he can dunk his hands into the tub and wrap them around my legs. "I promise I'll make you feel good instead of just prepping you to take me. I'll be soft too, I swear."

     "Lair," I mumble, wrapping my arms around his neck as he lifts me out of the tub. Water drips off of me, all over the floor, as Gar carries me from the bathroom to the bed. He's gentle as he lays me down. Once I'm settled, he drops to his knees to kneel on the floor in front of me.

     Beasty wastes no time, peeling my legs open and attaching his mouth to my inner thighs. He stays gentle, simply placing kisses along my body instead of sucking and biting the skin. "You're going to taste so good," he hums against me before sliding his tongue out to lick the water droplets off of me. His words send a wave of excitement through me, starting from my cunt before spreading through the rest of me.

     His tongue works its way up from my legs to my clit. Soft circles are licked over my nerve bundle, causing moans to roll out of me. "Garfield," I whine, reaching down for him. He shifts, sliding his arms under my knees and resting his hands on my hips. My fingertips slide over his shoulders, my nails digging into his shoulder blades. He takes his time on my clit before sliding his tongue down my pussy.

     Gar teases me with soft licks around my hole before plunging his tongue into me. My back arches some as the band in my groin tightens. "Please?" I whimper, my nails riding up from his shoulder blades to the top of his shoulders.

     "Please what?" Beasty asks, causing me to lose the friction. I don't lose it for long though. Once the words are out, he's right back to tongue fucking me.

     "I need more," I blabber, sliding my hands to the ends of his hair. He hums, slithering his tongue back to my clit as he uses his fingertip to trace my opening.  "Stop teasing," I huff, bucking my hips. I get what I want, two of his fingertips dipped into me. Garfield licks at me lazily as he moves his fingers slowly. Every now and again he curls them in me, getting a rewarding moan out of me each time. He continues this slow pace until my climax hits.

     My fingers curl in his hair as my inner walls cling to his fingers. Gar keeps working on me until I ride out my high, and even after he keeps tunning me. "Just fuck me," I whine, trying to tug him up my body.

     "Not yet Baby. I want you to feel good."

     "I do feel good," I whine again, tugging on the strands of hair wrapped up in my hands. Beasty ignores me, choosing to suck on my clit and work his fingers in me instead. It doesn't take long for my second orgasm to build up and wash over me again. "Come on," I say, my breath heavy, "Please fuck me, Gar."

     "Just one more," He answers, pulling his fingers out of me and replacing it with his tongue. His tongue works my insides as his thumb focuses on my clit. The sensation is sharp from overstimulation as the pleasure races through my body. My legs start to shake as my third orgasm builds up. I end up squeezing around Beasty's head as I come undone again.

     "Good girl," He hums, making soft licks through my folds. Garfield lifts his head to look up at me. His face is dripping from my juices and his eyes are slitted like they were last night. My legs start to close again but he stops them, pushing them open and crawling between them in order to keep them open.

     Soft kisses are littered over my stomach as my boyfriend works himself out of his clothing. His skin is warm against mine as it comes in contact with me. "You should go on birth control," Gar says, digging his arm under me before flipping me onto my knees.

     "Why?" I ask hazily, moving my arms to prop myself up.

     "So I can keep creampie-ing you," Beasty answers, lining himself up to me. "It'll be cheaper than constantly buying Plan-Bs."

     Garfield pushes the head of his penis into me, only going in an inch or two before pulling out again. He continues doing this as he slides his hand up my back and over my shoulder before wrapping around my neck. He uses this to prep me up, still on my knees but my back is arched, and my head is rested against his chest. "I didn't get to see your face last night. I want to make sure I see it now," he mumbles, softly kissing my lips before thrusting his full length into me.

     His grip tightens around my throat, cutting off most of the air flow. Just like his fingers, he slowly thrusts into me, but unlike before, the impact is harder. My hands slide up his arms, wrapping my fingers around his as I try to loosen his grip. Gar's thrusts are almost painfully slow as I feel myself tightening around him. The pleasure is still paired with the sharpness of overstimulation, causing the slow pace to be even more unbearable.

     "I'm sorry," He whispers into my ear. After a few more thrusts he lets go of me. From the lack of support, I fall back onto all fours. Before I have time to regain my balance, Beasty grabs my hips, using them to force me back onto his dick. His pulling picks up along with his thrusts.

     "Hey!" I yelp, unable to balance myself from the constant movement. "You said... said you were going to be gentle."

     Gar ignores me. Instead, he pushes down on my back, causing my arms to go out from under me. His hand buries into my hair, forcing my head backwards and my back to arch. "I said I wanted to see your face," he says, still using his other hand to force my hips to meet his. "Stay in place."

     After the order is let out, Beasty's hand leaves my hair and wraps around my neck again. His eyes stay locked on me, the slits of them causing small shots of fear to mix in with my arousal. Tears prickle the sides of my eyes from continual overstimulation and lack of air. "Don't cry, Baby. I'm almost done, I promise," Gar says, rubbing the side of my neck with his thumb.

     Garfield dips his head, placing a kiss to my lips before littering the rest of my face with kisses as well. "Fuck," he mumbles, letting go of my neck and dropping his hand back down to my waist. His claws dig into my hips, scratching down them as he forces them back. Beasty is bottomed out in me, every centimeter of his dick being gripped by my pussy. Within seconds, my womb is filled by Gar, the same warm feeling from last night filling me up once again.

     He stays tucked in me, claws still dig in my skin, as he slumps on top of me, causing me to fall on to my stomach with my ass still propped in the air. His breath is heavy huffs of air. His body is warm and sticky against my own. "Gar," I murmur, shift my hips to try and get him to release me.

     "Don't do that," He barks, picking his head up. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell," He murmurs, laying his head back down on my shoulder.

     Beasty rests against me for a few minutes before straightening up again. Kisses are planted along my spine as he slowly slides out of me. "Don't move. I'll be right back," He orders before slipping off the bed and walking away from me.

     I can feel Garfield's seed leak out of me as I wait for him. The bed dips when he appears back behind me. "That won't do," he mumbles, using his fingers to shove his cum back into me. His free hand falls to my stomach, pushing it up so my ass raises more.

     "Gar-"

     "I want to watch it drain into you," He says, running a warm rag along the insides of my thighs.

————————————

     Garfield's hands wonder around my body, underneath my sweatshirt and his head is buried in my hoodie collar as he nibbles on my neck.

     "Knock it off," I say, trying to shrug him off of me as we approach the Mountain's living room.

     "No," He whines, sliding his hands to the waist band of my yoga pants. His fingertips dip down, messing with the waist band of my underwear. "You went and covered all my work. Now people can't see that you're mine."

     "Oh yes, cause I'm sure everyone would react in a 'oh that's Gar's girl' way and not in a 'oh my god Gar beat the shit out of her' way," I sarcastically whisper as we get closer to the common area. He whines again, but complies by pulling his mouth off of me and lifting his hands to my stomach. They're still under my sweatshirt but it's improvement.

     "Good morning!" Robin says as we enter the room.

     "Good morning Rob," I answer, holding back a wince forming from Garfield digging his claws into me. Robin glances at Garfield's arms around me but doesn't say anything as he turns back to his book. "Hey Rob?" I call out, pushing Garfield's arms off me and walking towards Batman's protégé.

     "What's up?" Robin asks, glancing up from his book.

     "Do you know where Nightwing is?"

     Robin's mask locks on my neck. His mouth opens a couple times but closes again after each attempt to speak. "I... I'm... not sure," He says, glancing at Gar before leaning forward and tugging my hoodie down some. His mask lenses widen at the sight of my neck.

     "I'll go find him for you," Jaime peeps up, but Robin cuts him off.

     "No, no, I'll go find him. You chill here with Jaime, ya?" He asks, standing up and resting his hands on my shoulders. "Ya, good plan," He answers himself, softly pushing me toward the couch and plopping me down next to Jaime.

     Robin quickly turns on his heels and pretty much runs out of the room, leaving everyone in the room very confused.

     "I fucking told you," I say to Beasty, propping my feet up in the coffee table and shoving my hands into my front pocket before snuggling into my hoodie.

     "Ya, ya, ya," Gar mumbles, taking wide strides toward me. When he gets in front of me, he gently lifts my head and plants a kiss on my lips.

     "Get a room bro," Cassy teases as she pretends to throw up.

     My boyfriend rolls his eyes before sitting down next to me. He tucks his hands back under my hoodie, wondering them up to the underwire of my bra. Gar tucks his head back into my collar, littering my already bruised skin with more nips. He does as he pleases, half pulling me onto his lap during the process. 

     "Maybe chill a little," Jaime peeps out, glancing between us and the tv.

     "Maybe shut up," Beasty says, pulling me the rest of the way on his lap. His fingertips slither under my bra and start pawing at my breasts.

     "Garfield!" Nightwing yells, the sound of his stomps and Robin's soft pitter patter filling the emptiness afterwards. Gar ignores it though, continuing to fettle with me. Though, the nipping has switched to kitty licks. "Garfield," Nightwing repeats a lot calmer as he appears in the room. "We should talk."

     "Ya, probably," he mumbles, dropping his hands down to my waist and lifting me up as he stands. 

     "Maybe let's not have you do that," Nightwing says, tearing me from Gar and placing me on my feet in front of him. 

     The pressure of holding my own weight sends numbing shoots of pain through my hips. The walk to the living room was quite tiring and painful, so I'm sure this walk will be the same. "Ya, no," Gar says, lifting me up again before heading out of the room. 

     "I can walk, Babe," I say, letting my legs dangle as I hold on to his neck.

     "You can but you shouldn't."

     I can feel Nightwing's glare as we walk through the mountain. The glare doesn't loosen as we enter the Medbay and sure as hell doesn't loosen when Garfield sets me on one of the beds. "So..." Gar starts, nervously rubbing his neck. "I fucked-" literally "-up a bit." 

     "No shit, really? From what Robin tells me it's not 'a bit', it's a lot," Nightwing says, still glaring at Gar as Robin attempts to send me a comforting smile.

     "Hey I can explain-" 

     Nightwing waves Gar off. Instead, the older hero walks up to me. "Do you mind undressing? We need to check for injuries."

     "Technically they're not injuries. They're-"

     "If you are uncomfortable, I can ask Cassy or Batgirl to do the injury report. Or if Garfield is making you feel unsafe, I can have him moved to different room."

     "Gar doesn't making me feel unsafe, and I don't care if you check me over," I answer, tugging my hoodie off before sliding off the bed. "They're not injuries though."

     "This is a safe space. If Garfield is hurting you-" Robin starts but cuts himself off when he looks down my body. Nightwing and Robin stand still as they look over me, both of their mouths open and their faces scrunched up. 

     "If you don't see those as injuries, what do you see them as?" Robin asks, glancing between me and his notepad as he starts his report.

     "Love marks..." I say, wrapping my arms around my chest with the sudden awareness of how exposed I am. 

     Garfield's eyes are also locked on me, his pupils slitted like I've grown use too. He walks towards me, causing Robin and Nightwing to stiffen up. Gar's arms wrap around my own in an attempt to cover me some more. "I think my... uh... aggression and... protectiveness is connected to my animalistic genes."

     Nightwing glances between the two of us before looking down at his own report. He repeats this a few times, struggling to come up with a reply. "Possibly," He finally breathes out, taking a step forward to untangle Beasty from me. "So... I... have questions," OG Robin says, pulling up a wheely chair to sit in. My boyfriend isn't too happy with being removed from me, but he doesn't reattach himself. Instead, he sits on the hospital bed. "First is there more - uh - 'love bites'?"

     "Ya there is," I answer tugging my yoga pants off before joining Gar on the bed.

     "What the fuck?" Robin mumbles when he gets a look at my legs. He takes a second, walking to the other end of the room before appearing next to Nightwing again. He pulls up his own chair but places it in front of me. "May I?" He asks gently, tapping his fingertips on top of my legs.

     "Yes."

     "No," Gar answers, pushing Robin's hand off of me. 

     "Gar," I say, glancing at him. "If you're going to act like this you can't be in here as I get checked over." He mumbles to himself before shifting away from me a bit. "Yes, you can," I repeat, turning my attention to Robin. 

     Nightwing glances between Gar and me as Robin opens my legs to checks over my wounds. Robin's hands feel cold against me as he presses and prods at me. "Turn around," he says once he's done checking my front and legs. I obey, turning around to face the wall. "That's... not better," he mumbles, shifting around and causing his chair to squeak. 

     "So... um... was protection used?" Nightwing stumbles out, his pen scratching against his notebook.

     "No, but she did take a Plan B this morning," Gar answers, shifting backwards so he can look at me. His hands make contact with my waist, rubbing up and down my sides as his eyes wonder. 

     "You guys really need to be using protection. If condoms aren't something you want to use, birth control needs to be taken instead. Though I do recommend continuing to use condoms even if you decide to start using any form of birth control." Nightwing stops for a minute, taking a breather before he continues talking. "How many times did you... ya... in her... ya," Nightwing asks, struggling to come up with the right words.

     "Does it matter?" Gar asks, attaching his mouth to my shoulder. 

     "Please stop that," Our leader starts, "And yes, a bit. The more... attempts, the higher chances of pregnancy."

     "I don't know, like-" Gar starts, ignoring the order and continuing to suck on me.

     "Four last night and once this morning," I answer, trying hard not to pull away from the stinging Robin's fingers are causing. The two bat protégées stare at us for a while before going back to their work.

     "Okay... we are going to... uh... have another checkup in two weeks to... check the efficiency of the Plan B. For you Gar, we're going to run a blood test," Nightwing says, stumbling over his words. Robin's hands drop off of me before turning towards his own report.

     "Why?" He asks, detaching long enough for me to turn around. It's not long until Beasty is reattached, this time to my neck. 

     "Knock it off," The adult in the room says, tugging Garfield off of me. "What is up with you?"

     "I don't know. I can't help myself. I just need to do it. And I really, really need to be..." Gar cuts himself off, shifting himself around before hopping off the bed.

     "Okay... We're going to run a blood test on you to get a better understanding of what's going on and hopefully be able to find a solution to... this," Og says, motioning towards me.

     "I mean, a solution would be nice. I don't like constantly being angry and... ya... but she should be fine. A little achy but she'll be okay in a couple days so it shouldn't really matter if it happens again," Gar says, picking up my clothes and helping me put them back on.

     "I wouldn't be too sure of that," Robin says, looking up from his notebook. "Bite marks - which seems to be most of the wounds - can lead to tissue damage and blood clotting. Hickies can also lead to blood clots. Not to mention if any of the wounds - scratches included - get infected it can lead to fevers, and headaches, and possibly death."

     "Oh," Gar whispers, pulling my hoodie over my head and shimming it into place.

     "Luckily I don't see any blood clotting at the moment, but I'll have to check again in a couple days," Robin adds, glancing at me before continuing to write.

     "Do not be adding any more, you hear me?" Nightwing asks, glaring at Garfield once again. "In the meantime," he continues, turning towards me, "Take aspirin to avoid a blood clot building, make sure you're drinking plenty of water, and I recommend cold compresses. Try mixing peppermint oil with lotion and applying that too." 

     "Why peppermint oil?" I ask, watching as Robin prepares to take Garfield's blood sample.

     "Peppermint oil helps repair broken blood vessels and broken tissue," Nightwing answers, continuing to write his own report.

     "Arm please," Robin asks Gar, holding a needle in his hand. Beasty obeys, stretching his arm out so Robin can extract his blood. "I'll get it tested and let you know the results by the end of the day."

     "You're excused now," Nightwing says once Robin is done.

     Gar helps me off the bed, holding me up as we walk out of the room. "So... how are you feeling?" I ask as we walk back towards our room. 

     "On one hand, I feel really bad for hurting you and I don't want to leave anymore markings," He answers, lifting me up before pushing the bedroom door open so he can walk through. 

     "On the other hand?" I ask as my back comes in contact with our bed.

     Beasty crawls between my legs, his hands sliding under my hoodie again. "On the other hand, Nightwing telling me what I can and can't do to your body really makes me want to leave more. Not to mention the building need to fuck you again after watching Robin running his hands over you." Gar's words fill me up and let me know we’re going to be having a very active day today.

———————————————————————

———————————————————————

[tsukkisloser]

Bully!Tsukki Pt.4

the second half of bully!tsukki pt.3 bc of the word count :/ Thank you to Let It Happen by Tame Impala and Master of Puppets by Metallica for helping me write this <3 hope you enjoy :)

Tags: NSFW, timeskip!tsukishima, Fem-bodied reader, bullying, degradation, choking, hair pulling, painful sex, humiliation, spanking, pain, meanie tsukki <33333

He grabs your hair, pulling you over to the sink, pushing you against the counter. The large bathroom mirror reflects your pathetic, needy face as he presses his large palm against your back to harshly bend you over- his clothed aching cock pressing against your ass cruelly. He slides his glasses back on, flipping your skirt up before sliding your soaked panties off of you roughly. You feel a harsh slap to your ass as you hear the clasp of his belt unbuckle, slowly taking it off and unbuttoning his pants- taking his time. “Fuck, come on Kei hurry up” You whine, forcing a smirk to his lips. “Fuck you’re pathetic.” He groans, pulling down his pants with a cocky grin on his face. His big hand grips your side tightly as his painfully erect cock lewdly slaps against your dripping entrance. You whimper desperately, your head falling forward. He grabs your hair harshly, forcing your head back up to the mirror. Your blown out pupils and flushed face staring back at you as you meet your own eyes in the reflection. “You’re going to watch yourself take my cock like the pathetic fucking slut you are, hear me?” He instructs harshly, spanking your ass as punishment- making you moan pathetically. “Yeah, just like that.” He slurs, with a smirk on his lips, his eyes on his long aching cock as he pushes it past your folds harshly with a stifled groan. Your body falls slack beneath him, his grip on your hair pulling your head up once again as he leans down over you, stuffing you so full of his cock it hurts. His name passes your lips in the lewdest moan, forcing his shit-eating grin wider. Your walls squeezing so tightly around his cruel dick. He slaps your ass once more, railing his cock so deep into you with one thrust. The tip of his cock already slamming against your cervix, forcing tears to your eyes, catching sight of the sadistic look in his eyes in the mirror. His hand reaches down to wrap around your throat tightly, the quick pace of his selfish thrusts not faltering for a second- so focused it was scary. He felt so good that his name left your lips as easily as breathing, moans leaving your lips pathetically- whimpering for him shamelessly as he abused your poor, weeping hole. “Fucking slut, you take me too well.” He scolds, breathing hot against your back as he feels the coil in his stomach pull tighter with each thrust. Your unable to think- he’s fucked you dumb. Almost reaching your limit. The only sounds you’re able to produce are the incessant desperate moans that spill from your lips along with his name. The lewd sound of his hips and balls slapping against your ass loud enough to be heard through the walls. He feels as your walls tighten around his cock once more, making him lean over you closer- a moan leaving his lips finally. He didn’t want to give you the pleasure of hearing him. Sweat beads in his hair and drips down his face. His toned, muscular figure hot and glistening with sweat as he rails his cock into you mercilessly. His chest heaving, hot breath fanning out against your neck and back as you take him. You feel his cock twitch within you and you let out yet another pathetic moan, eliciting a smirk from the blonde once again. “I’m gonna-g’na cum.. fuck-” You whimper, feeling him tug at your hair- his grip on your throat tightening. “Not until I fucking tell you to.” He hisses. “I can’t- fuck- take it anymore-” You whimper. He leans in close to your ear. “Too fucking bad.” He scolds, railing you harder just for that- picking up his pace, making you moan in pain. He feels the coil pull tighter, his body almost falling slack over you as you feel his cock twitch inside of you again. “Fuck- I’m-” He groans, squeezing his eyes shut as he removes his hand from your neck, slamming his palm against the counter. “Fucking cum, slut.” He moans, dick throbbing inside of you as his cum fills you- gripping the counter white-knuckled.

[sinfulslytherin]

Draco Malfoy ff

Summary: Draco helps you to take a shower after your boyfriend hurt you

Warning: Mentioning of abuse, sexual tension

A small sneak peak from my next chapter in the book "Guillotin" on Wattpad <3

*•,.*•,.*•,.*•,.*•,.*•,.*•,.*•,

"I'm gonna help you shower, just tell me where not to grab." Draco says as he takes the shower head from my hand and turns on the water.

I get nervous. He just needs to open one eye and Draco would be able to see me completely naked.

"Are you facing me?" Draco asks while testing the water temperature on his hand.

"Yes."

"Turn around. I'll start with your hair and...backside. Tell me as soon as it hurts too much"

I can feel the water hitting my skin. His hands go through my hair as he massages my scalp slightly.

"May I touch your shoulders?"

I only nod, forgetting that his eyes are closed.

"I need a verbal consent, Amara." He says while gently pulling my hair back.

"Yes."

His hands carefully wander to my shoulder and I flinch and whine as soon as the water hits my bruise.

"Fuck." I curse.

"It's okay." He quickly let's the water run over the upper part of my back before lowering the shower head to build some distance to my bruised shoulder "That's it. Good job."

I shiver at his praising words and I know he can feel it.

Dracos hand slowly wanders down my back before hesitantly grabbing my waist.

"Is that okay?" Draco asks again, seemingly nervous himself.

"I'm okay with everything as long as you're careful." I say in a small voice.

"Don't say that, Amara. That makes all of this even harder."

I don't quite understand what he means so I just say nothing.

I slowly turn around since I want him to help me with my thigh.

He doesn't expect me to move, so while I turn around his hand which was placed on my waist moves along my stomach.

"Could you please try to be careful on my left thigh. It's on your right." I request while moving.

"Shit, Amara. Warn me before you move." He curses silently.

Before he moves his hand to my thigh, he stretches his fingers and his thumb touches the wound under my breasts.

I flinch.

"I'm sorry." He apologizes before asking "May I clean it?-Otherwise the wound might inflame."

"Be careful please."

Draco carefully lifts the shower head up so that it's on the height of my collarbone. I hiss and curse under my breath as the water hits my wound. Tears form in my eyes.

"It's okay, Amara" Draco tries to calm me down.

His hands move slightly up and his fingers meet the wound as he carefully makes sure that the water runs over it.

While doing so his finger accidentally brush along my under boob.

I turn red.

"Shit- Sorry." Draco apologizes

I look at his face and his ears turn slightly red.

"It's okay." I say, still more focused on the pain.

"I think the water also ran along your thighs while cleaning your wound. May I check if it's still sticky?"

"Yes but please be careful. The bruise on my thigh hurts really bad."

"Can you bring my hand there? Otherwise I might accidentally touch somewhere else.." He requests.

I gently grab is hand and bring it down to my thighs.

He lightly grabs my right thigh and runs his hand and up and down, careful not to go too high.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel aroused by his touch. I can feel my breath getting heavier.

He switches sides and is careful due to my bruise.

"You seem to be clean. Can you wash the ends of your hair yourself? I'll grab you a dress." Draco asks.

"Sure. Thank you"

Draco hands me the shower head and carefully tries to find his way out.

As soon as the door closes I wash my ends with shampoo.

I am quickly finished and step out of the shower.

I take a towel and dry my hair before carefully drying my body off. I still feel the pain everytime I come in touch with my bruised skin.

I grab my bra and my panties and put them back on. I take a look in the mirror for a brief second, hating the reflection.

I stare at the wound underneath my breasts. I feel humiliated.

I don't even have enough time to think about how to cover up my bruises as the door opens and Draco steps inside.

He closes the door behind him and looks up.

We both freeze and stare at each other.

My face turns red as I realize that Draco Malfoy just saw me in my underwear.

He looks me up and down before bringing himself back to reality and quickly closing his eyes

"Fuck- I'm sorry I didn't know you already stepped out of the shower." Draco says.

"No, it's okay." I say quietly while trying to calm myself down from the embarassing encounter.

"Amara?"

"Yes?"

"May I open my eyes?"

What?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!

Here you can read the whole chapter <3

[yoonkinii]

We Were Human

Pairing(s): Ascended!AstarionxReader

Part:6

Synopsis: Astarion died as soon as he became something the world has never seen before. No one noticed the damage before it was too late and the Astarion everyone loved was lost to the new one. No one could notice when the turn was slow and silent. He slowly lost the playful glint in his eyes. Lost the love he gaze upon me with. Lost everything that made him the man I loved. Oh, how I would give anything to get him back. I would gladly give up my damned soul for him.

Aka you are transported back to the past in order to prevent ascended Astarion from losing himself the only problem? You don’t have a lot of time.

-

Masterlist

Warnings: Gore, blood, cruelty, cursing, death/murder, mentions of using oneself unwillingly, abuse, depiction of abuse and violence. Its ascended astarion, prepare for the worse.

Note(s): For the sake of the plot- Astarion will not automatically be damned from the start. In this world, Astarion becomes lost to the ascension overtime until he becomes the ascended vampire we know him to be in the game. Another note that should be highlighted is that this story will be told from the first person perspective since it benefits the story more than any other perspective.

You will also notice various things being different from the game. For example, Karlach will be able to stay in the ‘human’ world and she fixed her heart. (I love my girl, I’m not sending her back), Szaars palace has a different layout cause the one in the game was stupid. There will be more that you will notice in the future so beware.

Thank You.

For days now, the relentless drumming of rain against Karlach’s window had provided a steady backdrop to my thoughts. I found myself alone in her modest abode, a place she had grown accustomed to and seemed content with. The room held little beyond the essentials - a simple bed pressed against the wall, positioned beside the only window in the home. Atop the bed frame lay a quilt, carefully stitched by hand, a gift from myself to congratulate her about getting her internal engine fixed.

Opposite the bed, the fireplace stood as a focal point, its rough stonework casting a rustic charm. Despite its offer for year round warmth, Karlach rarely ever kindled a fire, claiming she had grown tired of feeling heat and would be like that for a long time. Only upon my arrival did she light it, deeming my chilled body was unacceptable. Even now, the faint scent of burning wood lingered, mingling with the fragrance of rain. 

The small kitchen area is equipped just enough to feel like home. A wooden dining table accompanied by two sturdy chairs, sits under a single swaying light bulb. The shelves contained only the most essential cookware, reflecting Karlach’s preference for practicality. She never carried around much and never cared for fine dining. She was content with her stomach being full and nothing more. 

Nestled in the corner, the bathing area boasted simplicity, making up a basic washing basin adorned with a small mirror suspended above. A neatly folded towel and a solitary bar of soap adorned the basin’s side, offering only the essential. Despite its humble appearance, the corner still did its job of allowing people to wash themselves as needed. 

As the front door swung open, inviting in the chill of the wind and the mist of  rain, Karlach stepped in, her hair drenched and a carefree smile adorning her lips. Settling beside me on the floor, she leaned back against her bed, seemingly unfazed by her wet state as she nudged me playfully. 

“Feeling hungry?” She inquired, gesturing towards the kitchen where food awaited. 

I offered a small smile in response. “You know I have no need for food like that,” I replied. Karlach’s brows furrowed momentarily before she let out a soft snort. “I meant in general. Have you felt hungry since you’ve been here? Any urge to bite into my neck?” she joked, tilting her head to expose her pulse point. “Not that I think my blood would taste very good…maybe just a little hot.”

Deep in thought, I gnawed on the inside of my cheek, pondering. SInce my arrival at Karlach’s place, I hadn’t ventured outside, fearing that Astarion’s threat still loomed, ready to scorch my skin at the slightest touch of sunlight. Fortunately, the rain had persisted for days, grinding me the relief from that particular dread. 

Shaking my head in response to Karlach’s question, I replied, “No, I haven’t felt the urge to sink my teeth into anything.”

“Well, that’s one way to put it, I supposed,” she teased lightly. But then her tone shifted, growing serious and somber. “But seriously,” she continued, “how long are you going to run?”

Taken aback, my brows shoot up in surprise. “Run? I’m not running.”

“Not literally,” she clarified, “but you are. You’re scared. I can see it when you wake up and instantly try to dodge out of the window’s reach. How you flinch at every creak and groan of the wood as if you’re anticipating something to leap out and get you. I see it in your eyes as you spend hours staring into nothingness, lost in a place I can’t reach. You won’t even tell me what happened or what’s wrong, and you don’t have to , but it’s plain to see that you’re scared and you are running from confronting that fear,”

I remained silent for a while, grappling with how to explain myself to her. Even though she didn’t know the exact details of what happened between Astarion and me, her observation was astute. I was running but how could I not? Faced Astarion once more, the events that unfolded had changed him, and all I had done was stand there, paralyzed by fear. How could I ever face the love of  my life after such a failure?

Karlach sighed, drawing my attention away from the window. She shook her head softly as she rose from her seat. “It doesn’t matter,” she said reassuringly. “ You can stay as long as you need to.” Moving to the front door, she grasped the handle. I instinctively shuffled away from the door’s impending opening, noticing the flicker of sadness in Karlach’s gaze as she observed my reaction. 

“I’ll be back late again,” She continued, choosing to ignore my wariness, hopefully for my own sake. “This weather is slowing down the rebuilding process.” With that, she opened the door, allowing the chilly wind to rush into the warm room. “Soldier?” she called out, glancing back at me. 

“Yes?” I responded, my hair tousled by the gust of wind sneaking past Karlach’s figure.

“Think about what I said, okay?”

My mouth opened and closed, a retort forming in my throat, but I couldn't conjure up a believable excuse. “Fine,” I relented, rising from my spot on the floor and making my way to the corner with the washing basin. “I’m going to clean up.”

Without another word, the door clicked shut behind her, shutting out the rain and wind. Reflecting on my behavior, I realized it had been rude to turn her away like that. Karlach had shown me nothing but kindness since my arrival. Despite bombarding me with questions upon my initial arrival, she had relented when she saw I wasn’t ready to answer. Even without an explanation from me, she had allowed me to stay, going as far as picking up extra clothes for me from stores, deeming my ‘fancy’ attire too uncomfortable. Those same clothes now hung in her closet, as she had generously made space for them among her own belongings. 

Selecting a nightgown, I slipped it on, shedding the clothes I had worn previously. The fabric felt more suitable for sleeping, its loose fit offering comfort as it draped over my frame, its hem skimming just above my ankles. 

With a sigh, I retrieved my bedroll from beneath Karlach’s bed, unfurling it before settling into it. Sleep seemed to be my only respite lately. Sleep and avoidance of the issues I should be confronting. But facing them was easier said than done, especially when my own mind tormented me with memories. How was I supposed to confront something when my memories of it were so painful? How could I forget the suffering I endured simply because I was in love?

A scream of unparalleled agony echoed through the desolate halls, jolting me from my trance. I blinked, disoriented by the unfamiliar surroundings. The walls, constructed of cold gray bricks, seamlessly melded into the floor, sending  shivers up my spine as the chills seeped into the soles of my feet. The hallway stretched endlessly before me, devoid of any discernible beginning or end. Regardless of which direction I faced, the scene remained unchanged. Mantels, adorned with flickering torches, line the walls at regular intervals, yet their feeble light failed to penetrate the infinite darkness that loomed beyond. I blinked again, and suddenly found myself standing before a weathered wooden door.  

Another anguished cry pierced the air, coming from the chamber beyond the door. . 

Without hesitation, my hand moved of its own accord, grasping the doorknob and pushing the door open. What lay before me turned my stomach: the room was awash with blood, the crimson fluid pooling on the floor in a sickening display. It coated every inch of the chamber, making it hard to navigate without stepping into it. Strangely, aside from the eerie glow of the torches, the walls were bare, mirroring the emptiness of the hallway. I blinked once more, and in the periphery of my vision, I noticed it: a door partially ajar, nestled in the far corner of the room. 

Once more, my body moved of its own accord, propelled forward by an unseen force. Each step I took was accompanied by the sickening sensation of slick blood coating the soles of my feets, staining them with a stranger’s life. With trembling hands, I pushed the door ajar, allowing the flickering light of the torches to cast eerie shadows in the dimly lit room. 

I stood frozen in place, my heart pounding against my ribs like a frantic bird trapped in a cage. My breaths came sharp and ragged, as if struggling against an invisible weight pressing down on my chest. Every fiber of my being crackled with fear at the sight that unfolded before me.  

“Astarion?”

I whispered, the sound barely audible in the oppressive silence. But there was no response, only the echo of my own voice reverberating off the walls. Frantically, I repeated his name, each syllable clawing its way out of my throat in a desperate plea for acknowledgement. But my efforts were futile, as if my voice had been stolen away, leaving me with nothing but mute desperation. 

Clawing at my throat in a futile attempt to force sound from my lips, I felt my eyes widen in horror as they flickered between Astarion’s battered form and the blood-splattered walls surrounding us. The mere sight of him threatened to overwhelm me with a nauseating sickness, forcing me to avert my gaze. 

There he was, laid bare in his vulnerability. Curled into a pitiful heap in the corner of the room, he trembled uncontrollably, his arms protectively around his head as if seeking refuge from some unseen torment. His once flawless skin was now marred by a tapestry of wounds, some still seeping crimson rivulets. With each flinch, a new mark appeared, adding to the mosaic of his suffering. 

Suddenly, he was jerked from her fetal position by an invisible force, his body rendered limp as his hair was yanked back mercilessly. A sob tore free from his lips, mingling with the whispered please that spelled forth in a desperate cascade. 

Driven by instinct, I sank to my knees before him, cradling his battered face in trembling hands. Bruised and swollen beyond recognition, his eyes were nearly swollen shut, while blood trickled from his broken nose, staining his lips crimson. Tears mingled with the blood, their salty tails tracing paths down his bruised cheeks, a testament to the agony he had endured.

Even as I knelt before him, my tear-filled eyes pleading with his vacant gaze, it seemed as though I was but a ghost in his eyes. His stare was distant, unfocused, as if he looked through me rather than at me. A shiver of unease ran down my spine, my confusion deepening as I followed the line of his sight, searching for whatever phantom held his attention.  

There, looming over us with a malevolent grin etched on his face, stood Cazador -  the tormentor of my beloved, the architect of his suffering. His presence was suffocating, dripping with disdain as he regarded us with contempt. With a deliberate, calculated motion, he raised his arm, his lips moving soundlessly as if uttering a silent incantation. In the blink of an eye, his blade descended, its deadly edge slicking through the air with horrifying finality. A scream tore from my throat, mingling with Astarion’s own anguished cry. 

Gasping for breath, I bolted upright, the echoes of terror still ringing in my ears. My eyes darted around the room, seeking solace in the familiar sights that surrounded me. The flickering flames of the fireplace cast dancing shadows across the wooden floor, the rhythmic pattern of rain against the windows providing a soothing backdrop to my thundering thoughts. 

With a shaky exhale, I realized it had all been a dream - a nightmare that had gripped me in its icy grasp. Swallowing hard, I forced myself to confront the anxiety that still pulsed beneath my skin, gnawing at my resolve. Rising unsteadily to my feet, I disentangled myself from my bedroll and made my way to the front door, my heart pounding in my chest. 

As I stepped outside, the chill of the rain-soaked air enveloped me, drenching my hair and clothes in its icy embrace. Ignoring the curious glances and calls of concern that greeted me, I sprinted through the cobbled streets with single-minded determination. Only when I reached the imposing gates of the palace - my - did I allow myself to pause, my breath coming in ragged gasps. 

Pushing open the door, I was met with an eerie silence that hung heavy in the air. The dim glow of the palace offered little solace, casting long shadows that seemed to dance in the flickering light. 

“My Lady?” came a tentative voice, breaking the silence like a fragile whisper in the darkness.

Raising my gaze, I spotted Lucinda’s familiar brunette head as she approached, her arms laden with pristine white sheets. She regarded me with a tilt of her head, her expression inscrutable. 

“Lucinda,” I greeted her with a smile that I hoped masked the tension I felt. “Do you know where Astarion is?”

“Lord Ancunin is bathing,” she responded matter-of-factly, her gaze unwavering. 

“Thank you,” I murmured, offering a brief nod before ascending the stairs, my footsteps quickening with purpose as I made my way to the bathing chamber. As I pushed open the door, a rush of warm, moist air greeted me, enveloping me in its comforting embrace. 

Inside, I found him reclining in the large porcelain tub, his back resting against the smooth surface. His expression shifted from annoyance to surprise as he caught sight of me.

“Lover?”

I made no reply, closing the distance between us with determined steps. Without hesitation, I climbed into the tub, fully clothed, and nestled myself against his bare chest. 

His initial tension melted away as he relaxed into my embrace, his arms encircling me protectively. I breathed in his familiar scent, nuzzling my nose against his pulse point as we savored the simple intimacy of our closeness. 

But as I made to move away, his grip tightened, holding me in place. 

“I didn’t think you were going to come back,” he confessed, his fingertips trailing lightly across my arm, sending shivers down my spine and leaving goosebumps in their wake. 

“I was terrified, Astari,” I admitted, no longer willing to suppress my fears. “What you did was…it was horrible.”

“I know, and I am sorry,” he whispered, his voice heavy with regret. “Truly sorry. I don’t know what came over me…it was like…” He trailed off, his words lost in the depths of his turmoil. 

Pulling back from him, I held his gaze with unwavering determination. “No, you don’t get to do that,” I asserted, jabbing a finger towards his chest. “You do not get to shut me out like that. Keeping things bottled up is selfish, Astarion. It was selfish of you to push me away when I tried to help you with that dream. I won’t allow you to do the same now, especially after you threatened my life as it if meant nothing.” 

His jaw tensed, the muscles grinding as if engaged in a silent struggle. I knew I was pressing his buttons, but I was beyond caring. He needed to confront this, just like how I was. His lips formed a thin line. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Really? Because it certainly didn’t seem that way to me,” I retorted, narrowing my eyes. His hands, resting against my waist, tightened slightly, betraying his inner turmoil. “Astarion, I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

His gaze bore into mine, the deep ruby of his eyes contrasting sharply with his pale lashes. “I’m locked in a constant battle with myself. I’m changing, I can feel it, but I don’t know if I can control it. I never wanted to hurt you, and seeing the fear in your eyes when I threatened you snapped me out of it,” he explained, gently tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “But by then, it was too late. You were already gone.”

“Is it still you when you lash out like that?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. 

He sighed heavily. “Yes,” he admitted, his expression pained. “It’s my emotions, but sometimes they overwhelm me, and I become the one person I wanted to escape from.”

“Astarion, don’t say that,” I pleaded, taking one of his hands in mine and guiding it to my cheek. “You are not him. The fact that you’re talking to me about it sets you realms apart from him.” Tilting my head slightly, I pressed a gentle kiss to his palm. “When this change happens, what seems to help you come out of it?”

“You,” he replied simply, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. 

“Me?” I echoed, surprised. 

“Yes, my Darling. Even in my darkest moments, I would never hurt you”

“But-”

“I never stopped protecting you from the sun,” he interjected, cutting off my protest. “You never lost it.”

Studying him closely, I noticed the weariness etched into his features, the grief and darkness that had descended upon him since his ascension. Furrowing my brow I pressed him further. “Describe this feelings to me, in detail.”

He hesitated for a moment, gathering his thoughts. “It;s like a constant whisper in my mind, manipulating my emotions to its advantage,” he explained slowly. “I try to resist it, but sometimes I lose control, and my actions become erratic. Each time I regain my sense, it becomes harder to ignore these impulses. It pains me to admit it, but while it’s still me acting, the emotions driving those actions are not my own.”

I swallow deeply. This was unfamiliar information I didn’t know in my past life, one I never encountered even during the darkest times. Yet, it all makes sense now - how Astarion gradually succumbs to this unseen force, losing more of himself with each passing moment. I lift my gaze to him, offering a faint smile. 

“Use me.” I suggest catching him off guard. 

“What?” His brows knit together in confusion, his expression reflecting his puzzled state. 

“You mentioned that somehow I have the ability to pull you back from this haze,” I explained. “So use me. Utilize me in any way necessary to retain yourself. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”

Worry creases his face, his fangs lightly grazing his bottom lip in contemplation. “Are you sure? I could put you in danger”

“Absolutely,” I affirm, leaning in to place a reassuring kiss on the crown of his head. “You’re talking to the girl that destroyed an Elder Brain.”

His arms encircle my waist, tightly as he buries his head against my chest. My fingers weave into his hair, tangling in the soft white curls. He murmurs a grateful ‘thank you’ against my chest, his thumbs stroking the fabric of my damp nightwear soothingly. We lingered in that embrace for a while until Astarion insisted that I had to bathe properly. He peeled off my nightwear, letting it fall to the tiled floor with a wet ‘plop’. As he runs his fingers through my hair, my mind swims with thoughts. The vivid dream, coupled with the newfound knowledge of Astarion’s condition, fills my thoughts. It’s not much, but it’s a starting point- a beginning that I desperately needed. 

[mystra-midnight]

Possession

summary: even if he hadn’t been a vampire, able to hear the wild thundering of her heart and feel the coiling of her muscles as he hovered over her like the cold, dead night, he would have known. he would have seen it in the depths of her fiery eyes.

tags: 18+ only. emotional anguish. brief mentions of rape. brief mentions of abuse. astarion being a respectable horndog. he's also got it bad for his girl: because he needs real love dammit

w/c: 1.2k

a/n: i finally started playing bg3 after waiting and waiting for it to be released and then never having the time. astarion is always my number one. here is a little moment with him and vitani, my bg3 character. but truly it could be any tiefling character or reader.

Panic. 

That was what she had felt the first time she'd awoken to find Astarion staring down at her with those perfectly pointed fangs. It had pooled in the pit of her stomach and festered, burning as she swallowed around the feeling. Vitani had tried to push it down, tried to ignore the way it twisted through her organs like a snake, poisoning her from the inside out, starting where he couldn't see the damage.

Except he knew. Well, no, he suspected.

How could he have known the truth? He was but a stranger then, a predator looking for a meal. Astarion couldn't have possibly known the torment of her past when she refused to breathe life into it by speaking words aloud. He couldn't have known that the scars on her body were from something other than fighting. He couldn't have known that her body had not always belonged to her.

But he'd seen the mirror of his emotions in her demon eyes and had suspected the dark truth. When he'd looked down at her, watching the way she scrunched her eyes shut and refused to watch as he came closer, when he'd looked at how her claws burrowed into the dirt to ground herself, when he'd felt the tension coiled through her blood and watched how she refused to move or breathe, he suspected where her anxiety stemmed from.

At the beginning of his undead life, he acted much the same. But hunger won, and he'd fed. 

She should have told him then, taking the time to explain the feelings his feeding invoked. She should have told him that it brought a long-buried past to the surface of her mind and turned memories into reality. Teeth and tongue, claw and fang— she felt them on her skin again. The bite of the whip as it lashed skin from bone. The taste of a dozen men’s essence.

The memories of those nights were unrelenting, making her feel so small, so helpless. Having him shadowed over her reminded her of how she’d been property to be taken and used. And yet, Vitani had trusted him for reasons she didn’t fully understand even now. And Astarion had almost betrayed that trust— he’d almost lost himself in blood-lust.

And now here they were, in the same situation again.

Except this time, he knew.

Even if he hadn’t been a vampire, able to hear the wild thundering of her heart and feel the coiling of her muscles as he hovered over her like the cold, dead night, he would have known. He would have seen it in the depths of her fiery eyes.

Vitani felt impossibly small, lost in the memories bubbling to the surface of her mind as she lay beneath him. There was a rising panic threatening to choke her. A secret part of her wanted to fight and hide her feelings: to keep him at arm's length.

Breath struggled to feed her starving lungs as she took in the sight of him— beautiful and haunting, untouched by the hands of time. He smelled like bergamot and rosemary, and his lips tasted like brandy when he kissed her. Astarion always seemed to invade her senses, somehow smothering and drowning her while breathing life into her lungs.

Her fingertips touched his cool skin and traced along the points of his ears, eliciting the undead's pleased and quiet growl. But even that sound couldn't soothe her as it usually did. Her skin felt burned beneath the weight of his desires, yet she shivered beneath his ice-cold touch. 

"Sweet flower." His voice was soft, each syllable breathy, as light as air. His lips followed a familiar path along the slope of her neck, where the tips of his fangs caught at her racing pulse. Her body jolted beneath him, pleasure and trepidation painting the whimper that tumbled past her traitorous lips.

Her claws found purchase in his pale skin, but he felt them tremble. Her hips canted, seeking friction, and he caught them in his palms to pin her in place.

"Vitani." His voice was louder this time, though no less captivating.

This time, fiery orbs drew open to find his vermillion stare. His eyes had deepened to blood red and glistened beneath the moonlight. Vitani stared at him, brows drawn together ever so slightly. For a moment, he was tempted to soothe the wrinkles away with the swipe of his thumb, but he was as still as night.

"Astarion?" Her voice shook, quaked beneath the force of her emotions, arousal and lust, hesitation and fear. His expression was soft yet serious as he gazed into her eyes, refusing to let her look away and count the stars, as she so often did to avoid talking about her emotions.

He had learned how she behaved— how she thought and fought. Vitani had a tenacity that rivalled their hellion companion and a magical finesse that made the Wizard of Waterdeep envious. He had also learned what upset, frightened, and excited her.

And through each minute spent in her company, he had ached for this moment. Astarion longed to feel her velvet heat wrapped around his length, for her to give herself to him as he gave himself to her. He wanted to hear her scream his name, to watch her write beneath him, to swallow the breathless moans from her lips. Astarion longed for her, craved her, and coveted her.

But he could not hurt her. 

"I can feel you shaking," he said softly, leaning down to ghost his nose along hers. "We do not need to. A kiss is more than enough for now. We can stop." Even his appetites, the carnal lust that ruled his roost, could not stay satiated on the taste of her lips alone.

Their placement was not unlike the first time: her on her back, him between her thighs. But it was so very different. Clothes had been forfeited in the heat of the moment, now lying haphazardly on the forest floor. She could feel the weight of his erection pressed against her core, the chill that met her heat. And this time, she wanted him more than she could remember wanting anyone, more than she'd wanted her freedom for so many years.

This time, he was not a predator, and she was not prey.

"No," she answered in a whisper.

He was partway through peeling himself from her, the separation of their skin agonizing in his mind, when her thighs tightened around his slim waist, trapping him there. "I don't want you to stop."

The Pale Elf lofted a finely sculpted brow as his undead heart thumped. She canted her hips again, letting his erection press through her slick folds, letting him feel her arousal. With seeking hands, she pulled him down and found his lips with her own. She smelled like nightshade and lavender and tasted like vanilla. And his head swam.

And in that moment, Vitani knew that her body was still not her own. But she was not afraid because it belonged to Astarion— the pale elf who had lived two centuries, who had been possessed, used, and manipulated. Who had been hurt, and who had been broken. They were kindred spirits— opposite sides of the same coin. If ever there was one person who understood the wild racing of her heart and the torment of her thoughts, it was him.

"I'm yours, Astarion."

And as though words had not been enough to prove her devotion, Vitani offered him her throat.

[gemmakesart]

Gaz x TM!reader

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick x Transmasc reader

Summary: You explain to Gaz how you can never be a real man, and he proves to you that you are, at least in his eyes.

Note: Mentions of dysphoria, heavily implied psychological abuse in the past, scars, nudity, depression, non-violent self harm

○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•

○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•

You couldn't remember how long you'd been sitting there, staring yourself down in the mirror. It's slanted frame was supposed to make you look better. Why wasn't it? Why could you just never be good enough to even think of yourself as a man? Your thoughts were running at a million mile per hour, mostly thoughts of hate, when the door to your apartment creaked open. You couldn't even afford a good apartment. That's how much of a failure you were. Your mother would be disappointed.

She'd say, "What happened to my little princess? Why did you do this to yourself? Did you even think about how I would feel, as a mother? You selfish, selfish devil daughter. Never even send me money."

Your thoughts were spiraling when you felt those hands on your shoulders. You whipped around, half expecting your mother's cold, sharp acrylics in your delusion. No. It was your boyfriend, Kyle.

"Love? Are you alright? You don't seem.. here." His voice was concerned as your cold gaze turned down. Couldn't even cry. He pulled you into his hold as he saw the way your eyes fell.

He'd been away for some time, out on deployment. You hadn't had an outlet for your hysterical thoughts, no one to tell you they were illogical. You'd spent most of your time, after the first few weeks that were good, crying. Curled into the sheets that barely smelled like him anymore, painful sobs racking through your body. If only you could do that now.

"Kyle." His name felt guilty on your tongue. "'M sorry. I-I was just... thinking. About my mum, and myself, and..." You trailed off into sadness, grateful for the way he pulled your hips into his lap, and hushed you gently. "I've been doing to much thinking. Haven't I?"

Kyle softly rubbed your back. "About what hon?" You had to force the words out. Your mouth was so tired.

"Stuff. How I won't ever really be a man, how- how I shouldn't even be here.. how my dad should've left before I could happen." You said all these like factual truths, testaments to your worthlessness. You could see the concern in Kyle's eyes.

"That's not true. You're a man to me, and you're a man to you. That's all that really matters, yeah? And if you weren't here, hell knows where I'd be right now." He ticked through, one by one, trying to make you see sense out of your mental echo chamber of negative thoughts. It hurt to think about. It stung you, that you had possibly hurt him by hurting yourself.

You curled your arms around your cold, starving, naked form. That's right. You hadn't even been able to get yourself out of bed to make food. Kyle placed his hands on your shoulders, seeming to notice your protective movements, and the littered scabs of vomit around your mouth. (You'd gotten sick from staying inside to much. The doctor had said a vitamin D deficit and lack of proper diet, and given you a concerned look.)

"Look, love. How about I make you dinner, and then we can talk. I think you'll feel better on a full stomach." You nodded. You knew that you needed food. You just didn't want to feel needy. He rubbed his thumb on your cheek. "Hell, I'll draw you a bath. You deserve it." You nodded again, the same tired, struggled movement.

With that, Kyle scooped you up, moving you into the bathroom. You laid against his form, trying to memorize every little change of his body as the bath slowly filled with warm water. You missed the sensation of him until you felt the warm water caress you, stinging at every raw patch you had scraped into yourself. You whined. Kyle carefully laid you down. "You know, you're still awfully handsome. You'd look more handsome with food in you and less pale, but you're handsome. I'll take care of you now." All you could do was nod along, finally being able to let out some of the tears that welled up in you.

You sunk as far into the bath as safety would allow. You were embarrassed at how dirty you were. But Kyle didn't seem to mind. He never minded. He grabbed the softest washcloth you two owned, wetting it in the bath water. "You need help washing up, yeah? I'll help you." He scrubbed gently, but with expert precision.

You couldn't help but want to cry as he went over your chest. You'd tried so many things before. You'd gotten top surgery, but it was slightly botched. You were uneven, and had to get a follow up because you'd gotten infected. You ached at even the memory. He worked farther down, and you winced as the washcloth went over the bumps that were your ribs. You'd lost almost all of the muscle and fat you had built up when Kyle was here. You were stick-thin now, and you hated it. He scrubbed your inner thighs, raw from rubbing together when you cried. Your knees that hurt from disuse, your feet that were nearly frozen off.

He dipped your head into the water, getting it thoroughly soaked before he scrubbed shampoo into it. His fingers traced across your scalp, feeling incredibly good as he rinsed the shampoo out. The water was still pretty hot, so he gave you a little kiss on the forehead, standing up.

"I'm gonna make dinner, yeah? I'm gonna make you the best food you've ever had. I promise you. You just sit here for a bit." With that, he walked away, and you curled into the hot water.

You could have sat in that water forever, but you liked when Kyle came back, not hesitating to wrap you up in a warm towel, which you burrowed yourself into. He helped you slip into your clothes, comfy ones, and dried your hair gently. You looked very fluffy by the end of it.

He led you out to the kitchen, murmuring about how you were doing "so good", and you just needed to keep it up. He sat you down on a chair around the coffee table (your apartment wasn't big enough for a full dining table), where there were two plates of food. Rice and beans and chicken. Filling, hearty foods.

"I- Thank you. 'M sorry that I upset you." You curled more into your sweatshirt. Kyle seemed very concerned at this. "I'm not mad at you. You should have this. Why don't you eat?" You just nodded lamely, forcing yourself to eat the food. It wasn't bad food. It was definitely good, but you just hadn't had food in so long it almost hurt to eat even just that plate. You wanted to cry.

You could only manage to eat about half of the food, before you groaned and leaned your head onto Kyle's shoulder. He quickly moved it down to his lap. You didn't mind that. You curled into his lap, enjoying the warmth. He combed his fingers through your hair, gently propping you up again. "I bet you're tired, huh?" You nodded weakly. You'd been in bed, but were ashamed to admit you hadn't slept much at all. You wouldn't mind getting some good sleep tonight.

He lifted you up, gently plopping you down on your bed. He snaked his arms around you, leaning into your neck. "I missed you." You murmured back, your tired eyes closing and sleep drifting into your mind. You slept relatively well, only waking up twice through the whole night. Safe to say, your life was much better when Kyle was there.

[handledwithgloves]

two very popular drarry fics that i did not care for and why

in the past however long of my becoming a drarry stan ive read many fanfics and i can say only two had really gotten me so pissed i had to log off

and thats not to say that i never dnf a drarry fic before because i have done that to so many for various different reasons. ive also read plenty dead doves do not eat so… this is saying something i suppose.

and this is no hate at all to the writers of these fics they clearly love what they do and are super talented and no hate to the enjoyers of these fics, like what you like. this is just my person experiences.

first is, harry potter and the welcome to the world of grey. i just gotta say i did not get the hype at all. i hated voldemort so much everything he says to harry is meant to be philosophical and insightful and whatnot and that makes harry question whether or not voldemort is truly evil but mans just talked way too much for my liking. he needed to be shut up and every time harry was tryin to beat on his ass he stopped for whatever reason - i was so pissed. like atp just kill each other istg. and then harry is supposed to be conflicted and all alone and he cant trust dumbledore and he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions and go to jail for killing someone, well too bad pookie! get tf over yourself you're a bad guy now. not only did you kill twice but both times you killed it was not in self defense but your own willingness to do so. like the drarry was good, in fact so good that i got about 3/4ths way through before i had to quit. the drarry was carrying this story and i understand if drarry stans love it solely for the drarry but if there's going to be other parts of the story i need it to make sense to me. harry and voldemort's characters were just not doing it for me.

second, is the mirror of ecidyrue series. It started off soo well, so well. i loved how all the characters were so in character and everything was cool and draco was powerful and his power was mysterious and bella was scary. i loved how harry met draco and how hermione started trying to befriend him i loved the friendship bracelent draco made her and that snape helped. i even loved jealous harry when draco and charlie were flirting and harry was like 'how old are you again, charlie? 25!? well draco's 14' and charlie started freaking out 'um, 21'. so anyway, strong start! but theeennn... we get later on in the series and for some reason draco starts changing? like yes he gets influenced by the people around him but all of a sudden he's like hyper fem which is not a bad thing in general but definite ooc - i like draco's character so i would prefer him to be in character but whatever i was able to ignore it until they started giving each other nicknames. oh god the nicknames were the worst part. like i get they're cringey kids they do dumb things draco is no exception apparently even though mentally he's like 21 hanging out with 14 yos. so yeah i had to absolutely stop when draco was having sex with 16 yo harry and harry starts calling him dragon in a sexual way... yeah i just had to stop there. i was getting way too much second hand embarrassment that it was pissing me off. i did not like draco lmfao. also i hate that they made lucius abusive lmao.

once again just disclaiming this is no hate to the writers or enjoyers of these fics i just couldnt stomach the stories and thats my own personal fault. i just wanted to share what i thought lol. they definitely made an impression!

[sebastianstansqueen]

Lost In The Shadows: Part Five

A/N: Sorry for the later up date, but this might be what happens more often than not because of my schedule now. If you want to be Tagged, either send an ask or comment on this or click on Taglist open.

Wordcount: 1,405

Warnings: were getting Fluff finally, Angst, drinking, mentions of death, past abuse, but I think that is all actually

Masterlist // Series Masterlist // Taglist open// 

Tags: @cherryblossomsky - - @babylooneytoonz - @wonderlandfandomkingdom - @miraclesoflove - @amelia-song-pond - @leyannrae - @avengerlex - @pineprincess - @nik2write - @dorothea-hwldr - @rosie-posie08 - @scxrletrecsmarvel - @sebsgirl71479 - @missvelvetsstuff - @hadesownhell - @casa-boiardi - @winterslove1917 - @hallecarey1 - @ash-craze - @barnesxstan - @unaxv - @bethexo07 - @itsmytimetoodream -

Throughout the trip Bucky learned what he could about Y/n before they left, the two of them in the few weeks, had a few drunk knights, together, but Y/n would come up with a way to block him out if he got too close. That was until the very last night of the trip the two of them had been drinking and watching a movie. Bucky wasn’t really paying attention, he was more interested in the tentative smile playing on Y/n’s lips as she watched the movie. The two of them slowly moved closer together, until soon his lips touched hers she looked at him with doe eyes, but then that hard mask began to creep up, but she downed another drink leaning into the kiss. 

Y/n began to tug at his shirt, she ignored the part of her brain telling her it was a drunk mistake, and followed the part saying that this man was her husband. “Are you sure?” Bucky asked, pulling away for a second. 

She looked at him with a frown arched on her face. “James, my ex-husband was like sixty, I haven't had good sex in a long time, so I think I’m sure.” She said it so uncaringly, before she continued, Bucky went along his own drunk mind telling him this was great progress for the two of them. Bucky began to unbutton the loose cardigan Y/n wore, with only shorts underneath, as he began to undo the buttons, Y/n seemed to catch up with everything, she just said and allowed to happen, she pushed him away before setting her glass down and running off to the room she’d been staying in the whole trip. 

Bucky sat there as the movie continued playing in the background confusion consuming him, that was the last night they would have in a house alone probably, and he just knew about little pieces of her other marriage. Bucky was trying as hard as he could, to make it work, he thought tonight she was ready to give herself to him, and let him know her, but instead he felt like he might have ruined everything. 

Y/n walked back to her room holding back her tears, just trying to feel numb, she got through the door, locking it behind when the first drops came and then the storm. She threw her clothes off her body as she looked at herself in the mirror, her father knew how to make it so her whole life would be spent in misery, he’s the who mangled her body, as a form of punishment one holiday season when she was a child, and then the deep cuts Henry left on her after the glass table incident, and then when he stabbed her after an argument leaving her to bleed out until the very last second. They made it so she wouldn’t be able or want to show anyone herself, she cried as she stared at the skin of her stomach filled with burn marks from the fire, that was when Peggy learned the truth about her father. Y/n had crawled into bed, closing her eyes not able to wait for the morning to come and be back and working, letting James do whatever he wants as long as he stays out of her hair while she is working.

Bucky was woken up by a knock at his bedroom door saying that it was currently six in the morning and that the flight leaves in an hour and a half. He dragged himself out of bed and got into clothes, for the flight, while he walked through the winding hall he noticed that people were swarming the house currently looking for anything the two could have left behind, he made his way into the kitchen that, Y/n stood in her long h/c hair was styled in waves down her back as she wore a pantsuit, the whole look made her look gorgeous, though he hadn’t seen her face but he doubt that it looked any less perfect, as she was looking down at her phone her heeled foot tapping against the tiled flooring, in impatiens or irritation. 

He moved towards the coffee maker where each mooring Y/n would usually leave enough for him but when he noticed it was empty. “One of the guys snagged it a bit ago.” She explained, seemingly unapologetic, as she still looked at her phone. Bucky had enough time to make his coffee and drink it before they were on the boat taking them back to the mainland. 

Y/n relaxed as she noticed James was asleep. She saw James as a sort of friend now, but last night she knew that was probably a mistake on both ends, but she blamed herself. Well, the really annoying part that she had to go to therapy for was blaming herself for it fully. She sighed, rubbing her palms against her eyes, when they got home she just wanted it to go as smooth as possible with her and James attended a few gatherings together. She got up walking to the back of the cabin where a small room with only a bed and a mirror against a wall sat. She laid down taking off the pantsuit and pulled out a t-shirt and shorts combo before she was falling asleep. 

There was a knock on the door in the back. “Mrs. Barnes, it’s Andy.” Something was muffled out, Andy let himself in, closing the door behind him. “Y/n are you alright?” He asked as he moved to the bed. 

“I���m fine, just tired.” She stretched out as she woke up. “Where’s James?” 

“He’s already on his way back to the compound, you’ve been landed for a half hour.” Andy informed her. 

Y/n’s eyes widened. “Shit, uh okay, let me get ready, again and then you can update me on what’s been going on.” By the time Y/n got to the compound that day the sun was long gone from the sky, as she walked through the dark halls her brows furrowed in confusion, she didn’t mind paying high power bills just to come home with lights on. She walked into the main living room, straight down from the foyer, she found James sleeping on the couch with a thin throw blanket on him, her brow furrowed wondering why he hadn't gone to a bedroom, she sighed. “James.” Her voice echoed on the walls, she shook him lightly, his crystal blue eyes opened.

“Y/n, what time is it?” He hummed out, in a low murmur. 

“Late enough we both should be in bed, come on.” She began walking away, with a slight sway to her hips. 

Bucky followed her up the stairs, confused. While he was at the compound earlier, he couldn’t find any bedrooms, that was until Y/n showed him a completely different wing of it. “I’m gonna assume they didn’t bother putting ourstuff into separate rooms so, I guess you can sleep in mine tonight but tomorrow, we’ll get you situated.” She seemed to have rabbled this out, she led me to a room, that had large dark curtains covering bigger windows, and then in the center of the room was a large Alaskan King size bed with black satin pillows and black bedding to match, the bed frame had flimsy thing tulle curtains around it, that seemed to move easily with grace as Y/n tied them to the towering canopy type bed frame, the bed itself over looked a conversation pit with a large TV where you could Watch it form the bed or the couch down below, Y/n, came out of the closet clearing her throat. “I’m gonna change in the bathroom, feel free to use the closet.” She said before making her way to a door next to the bed. Bucky found his suitcase along with all of his clothes mixed with Y/n’s in the closet.

Y/n changed into a simple pajama set instead of sleeping nude usual, when she walked into the bathroom she sighed, now realizing she’d forgotten to instruct the cleaners to put James’ stuff in a different room, so now all of his belongings were scattered throughout her room. It was nearing three in the morning and she just wanted to get tonight over with and tomorrow started. 

[sqquidzz]

Scars or No Scars ~ Tanjiro x M!reader

Kamado Tanjiro x M!reader angst

Summary: You and Tanjiro are best friends, but when he walks in on you changing by accident and sees all your childhood scars, you're afraid he won't see you the same way ever again.

Tags: Tanjiro x M!reader, scars, mentions of traumatic past, past abuse, physical abuse, angst to fluff, insecure reader, mentions of unnaturally skinny body, etc.

A/N: My first time writing angst! I was kinda stumped on what to do, so just decided to write up some good old Tanjiro angst. Hope you enjoy!

It had all happened so quickly. At one moment, it was just a daily thing, now, it meant life or death.

You and Tanjiro had met for the first time at final selection. You had saved him from an attack coming from behind, but before he could say anything to you, you had rushed away, determined to fight your own battles.

You both only got to converse properly during the aftermath of the selection, Tanjiro coming up to you and thanking you a million times for protecting him.

You were never a conversational person, always keeping to yourself, staying to the side as you watched others converse, never making a move yourself to make any friends.

Tanjiro was the first exception.

He had been your first friend since when you were 7, you both did everything together, missions, training, even chores when you decided to help around the butterfly estate.

But one day, everything was going to change.

______________________

Knock Knock Knock

"Y/N! Are you ready?"

You hear Tanjiro calling for you faintly as you stare at your reflection. Though it was a long time ago, your scars still hand't faded entirely, still promanently showing on your skin as you sigh in dissapointment. You run your hands over a multitude of scars across your stomach, able to feel you ribs as you ran your hand across them because of how little you ate.

"Mhm..." You simply hum out as you dry your hair and turn away from the mirror to open the door.

What you didn't expect was for Tanjiro to be in your room, looking at the window.

You had no time to react before he turned as saw your bare chest, all the scars littered on your skin from your past predicaments.

Tanjiro's eyes widened as he stared at you, raking his eyes across your pathetic form as you stare right back.

But before he could say anything, you run into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it as you put your back toward it, sliding down into a seated position.

"Y/N! Don't hide, please come out! I'm not mad or anything," Tanjiro says through the door as you curl up on the cold stone floor. It suddenly starts getting harder to breath as all the worst possibilities come to your mind. Tanjiro will be disgusted, Tanjiro won't want to be your friend anymore, Tanjiro will hate you, Tanjiro will-

"Y/N, listen to me!" you hear Tanjiro yell from outside the bathroom, causing your eyes to widen and your self depreciating thoughts to cease their torment on your mind.

"I know you probably think that I'm going to be all like 'Oh Y/N is so ugly' or 'I don't like Y/N anymore', but that's not true. Scars or no scars, you are still the same kindhearted person that saved me at final selection," Tanjiro says, catching you off guard for how sweet but firm he sounded.

"No matter how you look, or what you've been through, I will always be there for you," he whispers, and that breaks the dam, tears flowing freely from your eyes as you sob loudly, all the abuse and trauma from your past slowly being brought out through your sobs.

Tanjiro tries to open the door, and you slightly shift over so that your back is against the stone wall behind the door.

He makes his way inside, closing the door again as to not be disturbed and wraps you in a warm, gentle hug. Suddenly, the floor doesn't seem so cold anymore. He holds you, shushing you and reassuring you that it was okay, and that you were going to be fine, helping you calm down slowly from your cascade of tears.

You wipe your eyes, whispering out a small thank you as he holds you closer, the side of your head on his chest so that you can hear the steady beat of his heart going, Thump Thump, Thump Thump.

"Now, do you want to tell me where you got all those scars from," Tanjiro asks in a sweet voice, and you can tell that he's trying to make sure he doesn't sound like he's pushing you.

You had never liked talking about your past, it brought back too many painful memories of all the beatings, burning, and abuse that came with your childhood.

You simply take a deep breath, and then you start to explain how you were treated as a child. How you were considered a failure, a nuisance compared to your siblings. You told him how your parents used to berate you verbally, going to the extent of etching in the scars on your body with knives and searing irons.

Tanjiro said nothing, he just simply listened as you told about your suffering in your childhood, and how you had escaped and trained yourself to create a new breathing technique, the breath of shadows.

As you concluded your story, Tanjiro tightened his grip on you, keeping you firmly in place as he says, "I'm glad you trust me enough to tell your story, but I think that your scars don't determine who you truly are," he whispers, softly stroking your short hair.

"You now is very different from you then, but no matter who you are, I will always love you," he smiles as you feel yourself turn red. Did he just confess to you?! Should you tell him that you feel the same way? Your mind was going into overdrive as Tanjiro chuckled at you, making your face turn even more red, a shade that rivaled the tomato itself.

"I- I love you too," you whisper out as you snuggle into his warm embrace. You are still naked, but you don't care anymore, all you care about is that Tanjiro accepted who you truly are, scars or no scars.

[onewmin]

the perfume on the shelf. pt. 11 | bangchan

Pairings: Bang Chan x Fem!reader, Kim Yugyeom x Fem!reader

Summary: Falling in love with your best friend was never a part of the plan. So you end it up. But does he want to put a stop to it, too?

Warnings: AU, mentions of verbal and physical abuse, descriptions of a toxic relationship, mentions of s*icidal thoughts, profanity, descritpion of a fire, the reader loves her cat very much, another day of the reader and Chan being annoying (the latter especially), jealousy, the reader is going through major changes (good for her), another bunch of Taylor Swift references, the reader has yet another traumatic experience; typos

In the parts with the cat it's very much self-inserted. Shout out to my cat and all other kitties and doggies <3

'Dal' stands for 'moon' :)

Word count: 5411

Author’s note: welp, there's a lot to read lol. Idk why this whole work lacks happy moments so much, I'm trying my best to make it more positive, but in the end... We get this lol. Still, hope you enjoy another part! I'll try posting part 12 in a couple of weeks, but, as my summer vacation is over, I'll have a lot of work to do, so I cannot promise you an exact date. Again, thank you fro reading and supporting 'the perfume on the shelf' and enjoy the ride! (put ya seatbelts on)

Disclaimer: the names and appearances of real people are used for inspiration and writing purposes only. I do not claim anything, everything belongs to its owners.

Part 10 | Part 12

Another day to cry in the bathroom of your therapist’s office. 

Wiping your red cheeks, you took a deep breath in, trying to calm this sudden outburst of pain down. Talking about your unsuccessful attempt to go back together with Chan resurfaced in something deep, something that has affected you too much to even be able to handle it on your own. Your fear of rejection has finally become real - and instead of feeling calm after so many years of being scared of it, you found yourself utterly broken. 

As long as you could remember yourself, this fear of being rejected has pressured you into staying out of the picture, of never saying what you truly feel. You were shaking at the thought of confessing to Yugyeom, when you were a teenager; your breath was hitched in your throat when you decided to join that writing club at university; the idea of asking anybody out made you sick to your stomach. And finally, all the mess with Chan was partially launched by your inability to ask direct questions, to come clean eventually. However, your initial choice was to live a lie, to let yourself have dust thrown into your eyes, to rather have smoke and mirrors than an honest relationship. What does this say about you? 

“I don’t know”, you muttered, looking at the reflection in the mirror. “I don’t know”, you repeated, sniffing and exhaling once again. When you were nineteen, everything seemed so easy. When you were nineteen, you seemed to know everything. 

“What would nineteen-year old you say about this whole situation?” Your therapist’s question was left unanswered, rather as introspection for the next two weeks. What would she say, really? That’s a walk in the park for her.

“Dump his ass”, the advice you used to give all of your girlfriends popped up in your head. “Find a new hobby, work more, go out more - do anything to forget him. He’s not worth your tears and time”. Easier said than done. 

You sighed once again, before collecting your lip gloss back into your purse. It’s time to go home and prepare for going out; even though you try following your own advice, the thought of Chan is a lingering memory, a signature left right on your forever restless brain. 

Running up the stairs on your subway station, you checked your messages to find Yugyeom and Eunjoo discussing art in the chat. Two weeks ago, after the airport incident, when Yugyeom was dropping you off at your apartment complex (the conversation with your parents about your early departure from the countryside was guided by Gyeom perfectly), Eunjoo caught the sight of the two of you while she was waiting for her best friend on the bench. For some reason she decided it would be a great idea to start going on ‘double dates’ - although, you could barely call them dates at all. She was unsure about her relationship with Minho, so she needed you to check up on him. You didn’t want to be the third wheel, so… So she invited Yugyeom. And now the four of you had a group chat. Was it a nightmare? Absolutely. You found out what nerds Gyeom and Eunjoo were; discussing everything - even rocket science, are you kidding me? - while you and Minho intervened in their intellectual conversations with memes and ridiculous videos to watch. For instance, when you sent a Tarot reading video, just for shits and giggles, just to send a follow up message, “This woman said I’m gonna have a billionaire husband in a couple of months” - only to get bashed by two absolute smartasses for your silly little hobby, as they threw in their pieces of mind on how Tarot is a scam, and it doesn’t work, and people like that woman are a fraud - et cetera, et cetera, blah-blah-blah. Minho, on the other hand, was pretty supportive (and a pain in the ass for Eunjoo and Yugyeom) when he sent in ten more videos of that same creator, chiming in with his comments about toxicity. Yeah, this chat was a shit show; however, it was bringing you too much joy to hate it.

In your apartment your cat greeted you with irritated meows and sweet purrs when you took her in your arms as if she was a baby. “Mama’s sorry, Gaeul”, you said, kissing her in between ears, “but I promise I’ll be back sooner than later. Just a couple of hours, okay?” She started gently biting your hand as you tried to scratch her tummy. “And you get to be the boss of the house. Not just for a few hours”, you kissed her nose and she put her paw on your cheek, “but forever, Gaeul”. She jumped from your arms as soon as you heard a loud stomp and a screeching curse - ugh, your neighbours were fighting again. How could a family that looks picture perfect hate each other so much? Well, you knew the answer to the question, but still, it never failed to arise every time you heard these two fight.

“You’re a piece of shit, Hajoon!” You sighed as you heard the man’s voice. “A piece of shit wife and mother!” This was the unfortunate reality-TV-turned-real-life program you had to listen to; the walls were rather thin not to hear them constantly fight over stupidest things in front of their little girls. When you saw the two of them ride their bikes and laugh, you always wondered, how they managed not to lose their innocence yet - with parents like theirs, who trapped themselves in a toxic marriage, the innocence of a child being saved was a miracle. 

The drama continued as the woman cried out harsher curses, accusing her husband of cheating. Is that the life that awaits everyone in a marriage? Is that the life you’re going to have too? That’s what your parents have; constant fights, verbal abuse, toxic apologies with flowers and luxury candy, and no words uttered. No resolution of those conflicts, no rethinking of the life choices they’d made to get to this point of no return. Nothing. And this family, a family so similar to yours, was the same. Only the girls were lucky to have each other and not to be alone. However, calling the kids ‘lucky’ for lulling each other when their parents scream all types of insults, calling the children they created with ‘so much love and affection’, as the mother posted on her stories, ‘mistakes’ when they were in another room - calling them ‘lucky’ was a direct insult. 

Accompanied by curses coming from a wall away from your living room, Gaeul was circling around you the whole time you were collecting your things. When you looked at the wrist watch, it was already ten minutes past the time you should have left the house. “Shit”, you mumbled, rapidly taking the bag in your hands and giving Gaeul a couple of more scratches, while she was meowing and standing in front of the door. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours, sweetie”. 

You were supposed to be drinking as the four of you were going for some type of party one of Minho’s friends was throwing - so taking the car wasn’t an option; you didn’t know much about Changbin, but you were willing to get out of your shell and meet new people. “Maybe you’ll finally find a boyfriend there”, your mom told you over the phone, “you’ll be thirty soon - not really soon, though - and your father and I are waiting for grandkids. Your cousin is already a mother”. Ugh, yeah, whatever. Some nonsense that your mother confidently states is out of this world sometimes. 

Running up to a bus stop, you conveniently saw your bus pull up; jumping in it, you paid for the ticket and sat down on one of the many empty places, staring out of the window. As the music took you to another dimension, your thoughts flew by, pictures of your mother nagging you about the prospect of marriage, Chan putting his arm over Micha’s shoulder, Gyeom stuffing his mouth with a sandwich in one bite, Eunjoo and Minho holding hands ran in your mind with a uncontrollably rapid speed. You were thinking about Chan less each day, the images of him being replaced by your friends, new people you met and surprising revelations you made about this world and, first of all, yourself. 

Every bus ride that lasted more than twenty minutes - just like this one - got you hooked on rethinking and reflecting on every little thing that had ever happened to you. Sometimes it would be sappy, rainy autumn day like memories: Chan holding your hand while driving, bringing it to his lips to leave a small kiss on your knuckles every time the car stopped at the red light; you and him lying in bed, face to face, heart to heart, having those rare sincere conversations, filled with laughs and kisses. Whereas sometimes you’d lose yourself to cheerful moments, those July bright yellow afternoon days memories, with Yugyeom watching you chase after his golden retriever Dal; with you watching some happy kids fly kites while on a picnic with Eunjoo; with you writing your earliest stories in your old diary, sitting behind the desk in you sunlit childhood bedroom. The happiest that you were, in all of those memories you couldn’t even find the ghost of Chan; as if he had never existed in the most joyful moments of your life. As if - no, no ‘if’s’ - he had only brought you pain, and tears, and gut wrenching disgust towards your own self, towards the little girl, singing along the radio songs in her parents’ car, towards the fifteen year old girl, who wrote her stories on her old laptop and squealed after getting her first likes on the web, towards the woman you’d become. The woman who made stupid mistakes one after another, noticing but not seeing the pattern she had with every lover of hers, not seeing Chan being the same guy like the rest of them in her history. The woman you’d become, the woman you’re still thriving to be - she doesn’t deserve the slander you put her through. 

There might have been happiness during him - his jokes, warm hugs, car rides to his parents’ country house, him playing with Gaeul, his voice, his soft curls, his late love confessions. But there would certainly be more happiness after him, after this whole mess you yourself created. No acid rains burning your cheeks anymore, no scratching yourself so much you start bleeding anymore, no gray colors during the brightest sunny summer mornings. Is this what the phase of acceptance looks like? Is this where you stop blaming Chan for the pain he caused you? Nah, you’re not there yet. But close. Definitely close. 

Receiving another text in the group chat, your thoughts suddenly led you to the anxious search for your ID in the handbag of yours. “Shit, shit, shit”, you muttered under your breath, when you realized it was nowhere to be found. Did you lose it on your way to the bus stop? Or did you lose it here? Oh no. You rolled your eyes at the clear memory of seeing it on the kitchen counter before you rushed out of the apartment. How could you be so irresponsible? You’d never forgotten your ID, ever in your life, even taking it to the convenience store at 7AM to get a snack on your day off. And now, when you clearly needed it to get in the club, you’d left it at home? Super responsible, girl, just awesome. 

Having jumped off the bus at the nearest stop, you caught yourself feeling absolutely shameless about the fact of being late. After you moved almost to the outskirts of the city, not being on time has become your signature mark. Now you were texting your friends, explaining the whole situation, while getting in an Uber - just to shorten the forty minutes you’d already spent on the bus to twenty-five. And as the car started off, your friends couldn’t leave you alone. 

“Gyeom, I’m sorry”. The first words you said to him after picking up, annoyance recognizable in your voice. Yeah, you were the one being late, but Mr. Punctuality didn’t have to remind you about it as well. 

“I’m actually late too”, he let out a breathy chuckle. What? Kim Yugyeom coming late? 

“What happened?”

“Nothing”, he sighed, “I just spent too much time on the phone with my dad”. You hummed in response. “I can pick you up, by the way”, Yugyeom added. 

“You don’t have to”. 

“Ah, it’s not like I’m goin’ to be on time anyway”. The yippy notes in his voice made you reflect the smile he was probably wearing on his face. “So it’s not a problem, really”.

“Thanks, Gyeom”. 

“I’ll be at your place in, uh, around ten minutes”. As you ended the conversation, you heard the siren sounds in the distance. It wasn’t an unordinary occasion: the song of the sirens was playing almost an unstoppable tune every minute of the day, as the ambulances were rushing through the busy streets, or the firemen were driving to stop the fires. It was not unusual for a city like Seoul; however, the closer you were getting to your apartment complex, the more the clump of fear inside your chest grew. 

The first thing you saw when the car turned to your building was the blinding light of the fire truck. Then it was the group of firemen. After it was the crowd, surrounding the fire engine. The last thing was the smoke coming out of the apartment on the fifth floor. From the apartment right next to yours. 

Jumping off the car, you rushed through the crowd, forcibly pushing apart the nosy neighbors and bystanders, only to be stopped by a firefighter. You couldn’t think of anything else, of other people, of the party you were late to, of the things in your apartment - the only image in your head was of Gaeul. How scared she must be, how she’s probably sitting in the corner of your room, far away from the strange and dangerous smell. The clouded vision of yours, the tears in your eyes were invisible to you. The only thing you needed was to get your baby out of there. 

“Miss, you cannot go in there”, the voice of the firemen echoed in your ears. 

“My cat’s in there”, you mumbled, but he heard you, “I need to get her out. It’s an apartment right next to that that’s burning”. 

“We’ll get her out, no need to worry”. The calm notes in his voice had awoken some primal rage in you - how could he even say that? You couldn’t not worry, for fuck’s sake! 

You quickly disappeared in the crowd so that the firefighter wouldn't recognise you if something was about to happen. There was an emergency exit, but they were probably evacuating people through it, right? What should you do to get in? 

As the thoughts were rapidly running through your head, you saw smoke coming from another window. Your window now. Your heart sank; everything around started spinning slowly and you grabbed your chest in order to calm yourself down - at least, a little bit, at least, before you took Gaeul in your arms. 

Fuck it. You hastened your steps through the crowd, away from the main entrance, in hopes to get lost amidst those being evacuated, in hopes to get through the emergency exit without being caught. In the inner yard of your building your restless, teary eyes noticed one fireman guarding the entrance; and over there, on the bench was your neighbour from the fourth floor, a fourteen year old, holding her brown dog close to her heart. 

“Hello?” She picked up her phone, the shaky voice of hers bringing more blood to your already jolting heart. How smart it was to exchange numbers with her all those months ago.

“Could you distract that firefighter for me, please?” You uttered, while looking at her. She turned her head and found your eyes. “My cat’s still in there. I can’t… I can’t wait till they save her. Please”. The girl nodded and quickly rose up to her feet, probably coming up with an idea of taking the fireman’s attention. 

She ran up to the man, still holding the dog in her arms, and started rambling something loudly, the hysteric condition of hers being the direct result of this horrible evening. “What was she up to?” You thought to yourself as you moved from a tree to a tree as fast as you could. “Was she walking her dog when the fire started? Was she at home?” 

How convenient it was to have a bunch of trees to grow in the inner yard of the apartment building. “I should thank the managing lady after it”, you watched as the firefighter turned his back to the entrance - now. The adrenaline in your stomach felt like a fuel to the fire of anxiety and fear; as you leapt up the stairs, two, three steps missed, your heart was pumping somewhere in your throat, bringing the inevitable, horrible thoughts to your brain. You brushed them off before you reached your floor, running in the corridor, which was filled with smoke, with an empty head. The door to your apartment was being broken down as you ran up to it, right on time - maybe, the first time you were not late in the last couple of years. The firefighters weren’t pleased a resident was out in the dangerous area, but you quickly opened the door - having promised you’d let them in without getting inside yourself - breaking the recently made promise immediately when the lock was open, dropping the keys to the ground. If the building management had fixed the electronic locks on time, maybe the whole building wouldn’t have to use keys; maybe, the fire issue would have been resolved earlier, had the firemen had an easier access to the apartments. 

Gray. Choking color gray - that's what your apartment was. You could get suffocated in here just for breathing in the smoke, but was it even a priority? You would die but get Gaeul out of this place.

“Gaeul!” Your voice came out quaking, eyes getting watery with every step you took. “Gaeul, baby!” Almost flying into your bedroom, you noticed her scratching the window in hopeless attempts to get out. “Baby, you’re safe”, you whispered, swooping her in your arms. She let out a weak meow as you covered her chubby face with a palm of your hand. The firefighter was quick to escort you from the apartment, having thrown a blanket from the couch over your shoulders. You wrapped Gaeul in it when you got to the hall; she was meowing as you ran down the stairs, telling you how scared she was. “I know, honey, I know”, you kept on repeating, “you’re safe now”. 

The fresh air hit both of your faces abruptly, making you gasp and cough. Holding Gaeul as close to your heart as it was possible - perhaps, if you squeezed her tighter, she would be inserted in your heart directly - you sat down on the grass next to the girl with a dog sleeping on her lap. 

“Is she okay?” You nodded, leaving a kiss between Gaeul’s brown ears. She started purring, exuding that velvety purring of hers that signaled of her finally feeling safe. After finding her in a pouring rain, as her dirty little paws left marks on your white hoodie and her squeaky voice notified you she wasn’t pleased with being carried by some stranger, after washing her up and taking her to the vet, after making sure she felt comfortable in every corner of any of the places where you lived, after teaching her to use the litter box, after buying her the most expensive and delicious food she liked, after having her sleep in between your legs every night since the first one she spent with you, after building up your whole life around her when you needed someone to give your unconditional love to, after having no suicidal thoughts the moment she took a step in your apartment, after having her as the only living creature who loved you unlimitedly - how could you sit and wait till they save her? How could you leave her little figure in the hands of fate? 

“Mr. Choi set his apartment on fire”, the girl said while petting her dog. “That’s entirely his fault”. 

“Tell me about it”, you mumbled. 

“Why didn't the police do anything when they were called on them last week?” She questioned. “He literally threatened to burn the house down”. You shrugged your shoulders. No one really did anything when he threatened to jump off the window, no one took his threats seriously when he promised to burn the apartment if his wife got on his nerves again. Yeah, like it’s a reasonable excuse for a possible homicide. What a scumbag. 

“He ran away though”. She sighed. “But they’ll find him in no time, I guess. Mrs. Choi said he broke his wrist trying to hit her, so he won’t be far away”. You nodded absentmindedly, eyes still focused on Gaeul. She already seemed peaceful, only her yellowish eyes still being completely overtaken by the dilated pupils. She was lying on your legs, covered by that blanket. “Isn’t it your phone buzzing?”

Oh, that was the annoying feeling in the pocket of your jeans. “Hello”. You responded in a monotonous voice. 

“Where are you?” Yugyeom sounded panicked. “I’ve been calling you for the past ten minutes! Are you okay? Where are you?” He repeated. After muttering a few words you hung up, putting the phone on the grass. The autumn nights started to get chilly; but you were willing to stay seated on the cold ground as long as it took for Gaeul to fully calm down. 

In mere seconds Yugyeom appeared in the inner yard, dashing to you. “Are you okay?” He observed you carefully, and then the gaze of his fell to Gaeul, curled up on your lap. “Are you okay, sweetling?”

“She ran into the building to save her cat”, your neighbor proudly proclaimed. Yugyeom gave a look - not the ‘Are you crazy?’ or ‘You’re insane’ one, but the look, striking as… Worry? Pain? Hurt? Love? 

“I think the two of you need some warming up”. His soft voice impinged upon your indifference to everything but Gaeul; it seemed as if the part of you that was scared started to heal as soon as he helped you get on your feet. For the first time in the last half an hour you shivered under the cool wind, and Yugyeom took his zipper hoodie off to put it on your shoulders. 

“You’re wearing a T-shirt”. You stated, looking at him. He gave you a small smile and shrugged his shoulders. 

“I like the cold. I’m like Johnny Storm, y’know that”. You let out a breathy laugh - the first one after pulling up to the building. Your cat was already napping in your arms - the safest place for her, as it turned out - so you and Yugyeom slowly moved to his car. 

The windows of your neighbors had ruined the whole front of the building - now the gaze of any person would fall on black frames around them. “I wonder if my landlady is here”. You said, when getting on the passenger seat. 

“D’you want me to find her?”

“Gyeom, no”, you answered in a soft voice, ‘you’ve already done enough”. His brows knitted as he looked at you with utter confusion written all over his face. 

“I didn’t do anything except for panicking and calling Minho and Eunjoo”, he noted, “and not like it’s hard to help you. Especially now”. 

You gave in rather quickly. “Alright”. 

“Give me her number, so I-”

“Just take my phone”, you shoved the device in his hands, “she doesn’t pick up if she doesn’t know the number”. He nodded before getting out of the car. 

And as you were petting your sleepy cat, you felt the tears being finally let go from your eyes. Gaeul woke up when the salty drops fell on her side and, after staring at you for a couple seconds, started to licking herself up. You laughed through the choking tears and caressed her head and back, thinking how much your life had changed since the moment she magically appeared in it. It became… Brighter, funnier, sweeter. Even when she would wake you up at three AM ‘cause she was hungry; or when she would try to eat the yarn whenever you crocheted; or when she would sit on the kitchen counter while you were cooking. The thought of losing her made your heart hurt even more than it already was. 

“We’ll be fine, right, baby?” You murmured when she started snoring quietly; you turned your head to look out of the window and noticed Gyeom in the distance, still talking with someone over the phone. A strange feeling of being absolutely safe around him had arisen in your chest the moment you saw his worried face tonight; maybe you shouldn’t push him away too hard - he’s one of the few people you can trust, after all. 

Gyeom was right; he cannot certainly save you like he used to when you were kids. You can come up with a rescue plan yourself, like today, when you couldn’t wait for anyone else to save the most loved part of you. Anyone but you. Gyeom cannot save you; but he can give you  the sense of comfort after you help yourself get back to life. 

“Gaeul”, you muttered, “how long it’s been since we called him ‘Gyeom’?” A short version of his name, and he hated being called that. But when it came to you, his first love? He blushed whenever you said ‘Gyeom’. And why did you start calling him that again? Maybe that’s a sign, you thought to yourself, leaning your head back, maybe I do need him around.

“So you mean to tell me”, Jisung was talking with his mouth full, “that you and Micha are not together? What’s the point of bringing her here then?”

Chan let out a deep sigh. It was only a matter of time when Han found out. “We are together. But we just don’t like labeling it as a ‘relationship’ Just give us some more time”. 

“ Are you kiddin’ me? It’s been two weeks, Chan!” He gnashed his teeth. “Every media outlet is calling me to confirm whether the two of you are together. What am I supposed to tell them?”

“That it’s none of their business”. 

“It doesn't work anymore. Is she your girlfriend or not?”

“She is, technically”, Chris leaned in his chair, “we’re in an open relationship”. Jisung set his palms down flat on the table, the heavy breathing of his sending shivers down Chan’s spine. He loved riling his friend up, but sometimes he seemed to forget Han was also his manager. A scary one at times. 

“I swear to God”, Jisung hissed, “I’m gonna kill you and replace you with another dude. No one will see a difference”. Chris chuckled and went back to his dinner, leaving Han’s question unanswered. 

Him and Micha had a lot of history; but when he showed up at her door, drunk to the bone, she was more than shocked. He kept on complaining, crying about you, cursing you, proclaiming his love for you. Micha was impressed only by him being that emotional - nothing like that ever happened when they were together. A couple of days later one thing led to another and… Some time after that she was already packing her bags to go to Melbourne with him. Was it a smart, calculated decision? Absolutely not. But Chan, for whatever reason, promised to support her financially before she’d find a job there; alright, to be honest? He wanted to hurt you. To hurt you the same way your reconciliation with Yugyeom made him feel. Chan wanted to see you suffer as much as he did, to see you try to beg for him to come back to you. Spoiler alert: you never did. 

Except for the airport incident. He almost caught the slightest glimpse of you, almost canceled his entire flight, almost called off all the business he had in Australia. If only he could delve into your features one more time, he would’ve put everyone aside. ‘Cause if you were there and he saw you, he wouldn’t need anything else. But he didn’t see you, so it was all settled as it was supposed to be. 

Han was grumbling something under his breath while Chan was scrolling down the latest news; some of his friends had a comeback coming up, the other was starring in a new drama, the third proposed to his girlfriend… Everyone seemed to have their life put together but him. When he laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, Micha’s head resting on his arm, Chan would only think about a life he gave away. He could’ve been lying in his bed now, with his head snuggled into your neck, inhaling that sweet scent of yours right into his system. He could’ve been waking up to your leg lapped across his. He could’ve been with the woman he’s in love with, not the one he pretends to love. Micha doesn’t deserve this; but something tells him that she knows - just pretends not to notice. 

‘Hey, doesn’t this house seem familiar to you?” Han shoved his phone right into Chan’s face; when his eyes could finally focus, he recognised the building immediately. “They report it’s been a fire, they’re still locating it”, Jisung continued, “and the guy who started it wanted to kill his family. What a piece of shit”. 

The only thing Chan could see was smoke coming out from the apartment scarily close to yours. He was unable to forget the window of yours, the window he would always look up to just to see your smiley face. “Can I borrow your phone?”

Jisung swallowed his food, looking confused. “What for?”

“I need to call her”. Han rolled his eyes but obliged, lending the phone to his friend. Chan practically jumped from his seat, running from the second floor of the restaurant they were in to the street. Chan was aware of you blocking him everywhere; so he hoped you’d pick up if Han called. What was that logic? Why would you even pick up?

If the fire was still being located, how big is it? Were you home when it started? Were you not? Is Gaeul okay? 

Long beeps only fueled his anxiety. Pick up, pick up, pick up. Please. 

“Hello?” The voice on the other side of the phone wasn’t the silky one Chan was hoping to hear. 

Chan asked for your name. Was it a cop? A firefighter? A doctor? “She’s okay, she wasn’t home when the fire broke out”.

“Who am I talkin’ to?”

“Kim Yugyeom. I’m a friend. You?”

Another tingling in his chest, every little blood cell of his running to his head, fueling his rage and pain, mixing them altogether. So, Yugyeom is there? After all of your claims he meant nothing to you? 

“Hello?” Yugyeom asked once again. “Say your name at least, so that she’d know whom to call back”.

“Don’t you see the name on the screen?” Chan’s words came out harsher than he planned. “Sorry, whatever. Don’t tell her anything”. Chris hung up the phone and let out an exasperated sigh. Rubbing his face with his hands, Chan couldn’t even comprehend what he was feeling. Why was the mere thought of you and Yugyeom in the same space bringing him the worst pain of it all? It was jealousy. It was all the love he couldn’t properly give you resulting in that horrendous feeling of envy. The feeling that Yugyeom might give this love to you. The love that you deserve. 

How long will he continue pining over you? Maybe he should just start paying more attention to his actual girlfriend rather than the dream woman of his?

Taglist:

@heylookwhoitis @amaranth-writing @itstorimf @tenshimara @whyyougottadothatbro

The story's masterlist <3

[ginkashino]

I realised something today.

Im not in danger or a danger to myself in any way. Mentioning that because of the content warning.

CW for mentions of domestic abuse

I havent been able to eat properly since days ago. I try to down as much food as i can, though its mostly liquids, protein shakes and such. Today I woke up shaking, i couldnt stand to be in the kitchen, no matter how much i sleep i wake up tired.

Anemia? i thought. Ive been anemic before and it didnt feel like this, though. Maybe it felt different because im older now. Something just felt off. A stomach infection? but nothing else hurt...dehydration? maybe I was reacting weirdly to my new meds...

I wanted to go talk to a friend and i almost decided against it, i didnt want to worry him. I looked at myself in the mirror and looked so pale. This past 2 weeks i lost almost 3 kilos.

At the end I decided to go get a subway and as my friend was nearby, i went to talk with him for a bit. We were talking and suddenly i realised that i was hungry. Very, very hungry. I wasnt even nauseous anymore, nor was I shaking. In the reflection of the fridge i looked normal, other than mildly tired.

Maybe i just needed to have a laugh. Was it just loneliness? i assumed I felt guilty about no longer having the job because then he can't eat calmly (which i am) but the point of not being able to eat? it didnt sound like me.

I get home, put my subway on the table, and i feel like crying. I also can't even take a bite, its like i swallowed rocks. My arms keep shaking. So then it hit me

Its my house. I can't eat if im here, i can barely breathe. Even without my mother here i can't stand it, the fear of getting hit remains. If im outside im fine, i was talking perfectly fine, i was walking around the store and now at home i felt like my knees wanted to give up on me.

My jaw hurts from how much i clench my teeth.

I need to leave. I need a job that pays enough to pay rent, or if i work enough, to pay a mortgage. Shit, if its cheaper i'll get a car and live there. I would need a driver's licence but that shouldnt be hard.

i used to hide underneath the table my PC is on when my mother got aggresive. She's never hit me, just threw stuff and yelled and threatened to harm herself. To not eat, to not sleep, to quit her job if i didnt obey. Im tired, im scared, im starting to get really sick. theres only so much stress a single person can take.

meanwhile i can eat outside and problem solved, but thats not a permanent solution. I'm getting out of here.