#but i’m not doing that am i? i’m staying with YOU. my FAMILY
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heyy sweetheart!! what about seungkwan and 46. "i’m not sure i can behave if you keep looking at me like that."??!? tyyy
hi lovely!!!!! thank you for requesting & sure you can! 🥰 boo seungkwan!!! behave!!!!!
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suggestive prompt #46: "i'm not sure i can behave if you keep looking at me like that."
"behave," you muttered under your breath, cheeks flushing as you gently pried seungkwan's hand off your thigh for the third time that day. his family was sitting right across from you at the lunch table, chatting about the best local (jeju island) seafood restaurants, completely oblivious to the way seungkwan's fingertips kept tracing lazy circles under your sundress.
he gave you a cheeky smile, leaning in closer under the pretense of reaching for a side dish. "i'm just helping you relax," he whispered, lips brushing your ear as his fingers trailed up higher.
"seungkwan," you hissed, your glare barely effective against the twinkle in his eyes.
by the time you made it to the beach for an afternoon stroll, you thought he might finally ease up. but no. he stood behind you as you admired the ocean, his arms slipping around your waist. you felt his lips graze your temple before he murmured, “are you cold? i can warm you up.”
you turned to face him, giving him a playful but firm nudge. "behave. your mom is literally watching us from the car."
he just laughed, his nose scrunching adorably as he caught his mother’s wave in the distance.
dinner with his childhood friends should have been a reprieve, but of course, seungkwan was relentless. the restaurant was cozy, the warm lighting reflecting off the bottles of soju and glasses of beer scattered across the table. you were in the middle of laughing at one of his friend’s stories when you felt his palm settle on the small of your back, his hands moving lower as he trace mindless patterns.
you glanced at him, raising an eyebrow.
“what?” he asked, all innocence, though his hand stayed put, fingers gently rubbing through the fabric of your dress.
"seungkwan. behave," you warned in a low voice, trying not to let the others notice.
“i am behaving,” he replied, leaning in to rest his chin on your shoulder. “i’m just… affectionate.”
“you’re so annoying,” you muttered, but you couldn’t hide the small smile tugging at your lips.
the walk back to the guesthouse was quiet, the cool night air soothing after the warmth of the restaurant. but as soon as the door clicked shut behind you, seungkwan turned on you with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“what’s up with you today?” you asked, crossing your arms.
“what do you mean?” he asked, feigning innocence again, though the smirk playing on his lips gave him away.
“you know what i mean. all day—your hands. it’s like you’ve forgotten we were around your family, your friends—”
before you could finish your sentence, seungkwan closed the distance between you in two quick steps, his arms circling your waist as he gently guided you toward the bed. his lips found yours in a sudden, passionate kiss that left you breathless.
"kwan-ah!" you gasped, pulling back slightly, but his hands tightened around your waist, his forehead resting against yours.
“i couldn’t help it,” he murmured, pressing soft kisses along your jawline. “do you have any idea how hard it is to keep my hands to myself when i’m around you?”
you opened your mouth to reply, but no words came out. you could only stare at him, heart racing as his hands traced your sides, his touch both gentle and insistent.
“you’re beautiful,” he continued, his voice low, “and i’ve spent the entire day pretending i’m not completely obsessed with you. do you still want me to behave now that we’re alone?”
your breath hitched as his lips hovered over your neck, his gaze burning into you as yours bore into his. your hooded eyes only pushed him more.
“because,” he whispered, his voice dropping to a husky tone, “i’m not sure i can behave if you keep looking at me like that.”
all you could do was shake your head, no! you want to scream, don't stop, don't behave, kiss me. but your voice fails you entirely as seungkwan leans in and captures your lips intoanother heated kiss, this time with no hesitation.
#seventeen imagine#seventeen#svt#svt x reader#seventeen fluff#svt fluff#fanfic#seventeen x reader#boo seungkwan#seungkwan#seungkwan seventeen#seventeen seungkwan#boo seungkwan x reader#seungkwan fluff#seungkwan x reader#seungkwan imagine#seungkean fanfic#daisymbin: reqs
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When it comes to love you're just as blinded.
Part Fifteen
Eminem x Musician
Summary: It starts with a drunk embarrassing video, it spirals into something a whole lot more.
Note: Sorry sorry sorry for how long it's taken for me to update!! Had a lot on and then I got real sick. Hope this is an alright update though:) Continues on from the last scene where they were at the cinema!
Enjoy seeing the articles I tried to make too lmao, they're there not too far down after the first couple paragraphs. Idk what I was thinking w that one, but it felt necessary after the long wait!
| Set in 2014, just after the release of LP 2
taglist: @thelastemzy @helloitsme1223 @geekchic48
Masterlist
It was Saturday, and Saturday typically meant that the weekend had finally come. And both of those things had yet to occur whilst I’d been staying in Detroit. Which, in truth, wasn’t the only thing to throw me completely off my game this morning.
Although honestly, it was a really big change.
Rosie wasn’t around yet. Apparently Saturday’s were sacred days within the Mathers household, seeing as the pre-teen liked to sleep in on the mornings she had off from school, which also meant that Marshall got to finally have a lie-in. Or, at least it seemed that way when I’d decided to venture from the confines of my room around about nine, after having had a brief breakdown over everything I’d woken up to.
The media was in meltdown mode.
Every news outlet from here to Beijing was talking about the pictures that had been captured last night in the car park to the theatre, as well as the one’s I’d taken with that particular girl outside of the women’s bathroom. It seemed that other fans had connected all the dots in the time between my head hitting the pillow and now.
I had zero idea as to what I was meant to do about it all. My phone was blowing up with notifications from every account that I held, as well as friends and even some family members I hadn’t spoken to since I’d told them where they could shove it the last time they’d come sniffing round looking for a payout.
It was the most nauseating feeling, believing that you’d lost complete control over a situation.
But it was just as I’d gathered up the courage to go knock on Em’s bedroom door that my phone rang once again. Only this time, it was one of the names I’d been hoping to see.
“Elia, you there?”
A shaky breath escaped me as I pressed my phone closer to my ear, hastily turning on my heel to head down the stairs.
“Mila.” I exhaled, but even I could hear the anxiety that lined my voice and it wasn’t because Mila and I had barely spoken since the whole argument we’d had over Lottie. No, this was down to me knowing that things had to be really fucked up because my manager had shared that same wavering tone. “I don’t know what to do. Everything– it’s all just blown up in my face.”
There was a long pause which followed my clumsy reply, I used it to slip out of the back garden door to escape the sudden confining feel the house had started to give me. Which seemed so stupid in hindsight, what with how big it was, but that thought alone allowed me to take another deep breath.
I shivered at the cold that overwhelmed Detroit in the early throes of winter but didn’t care enough to head back inside to grab a cardigan or even a pair of shoes. My mind honed in on the way my life seemed to be crumbling piece by piece, first with Lottie and her dad, then that whole back and forth thing with Marshall, and now this.
“It’s not as bad as you think.”
Rolling my eyes at the answer Mila gave, I could only huff out a mirthless laugh, stressed beyond belief.
“Yeah, it’s not like my face is plastered over every gossip rag across the world– oh wait, it is.” I sniped back, “And they’re all painting me out to be Marshall’s next big fling, and if not that, then some fucking groupie. Like I’m not a nominated artist too, as though all I am is someone to mooch off of his fame.”
Mila sighed softly, even after my heated retort, and I could hear it clearly over the rustle of leaves as well the birds that seemed to be chirping in the distance. I tried to let them ground me. “I didn’t mean it like that. It probably does look pretty bad from your end–”
I cut her off with a scoff– so much for trying for a bit of calm. “Bad? Mila, bad would have been me spotted leaving Detroit and people conspiring over why I was here in the first place. Not this.” I dragged a tense hand through my hair, “Em is gonna flip his shit when he sees everything.”
She sighed, again, and I could only rub tiredly at my eyes. “Babe, listen to me. You’ve not ever really had any publicity like this,” Mila started, and before I could think to lash back at that remark, she was already beating me to the punch, “And no, before you say anything, not like that. I know that you don’t want anything out of this whole fiasco, believe me the amount of times I’ve had to suffer through just because your ego wouldn’t let you take anything for free is insufferable. But anyway, I simply meant in the way that you’ve not really had many big knocks or hits like this throughout the press. Sure, your family and your background’s been brought up a lot, but babe, those are just conversation starters for you now, it sort of was back then too. This is all just scarier to you because it’s new.”
I had to take a second to really hear Mila’s words, for them to sink and settle before I could analyse them. In a way, she wasn’t completely wrong. I could at least admit that. Didn't mean that I hadn’t faced my fair share of backlash though, just maybe not on this level? And not over someone I was supposedly dating either, my brain unhelpfully supplied.
I closed my eyes, silently wishing for a cigarette I didn’t have, and then unclenched my jaw.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” I confessed to her quietly, then shivered when another harsh wind blew through the garden. I wrapped an arm around myself, to shelter me from the cold air or how exposed I felt, I didn’t know.
Mila stayed silent too, until I heard a large intake of breath and the sound of a door closing on the other side. “Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re going to talk to Marshall, you’re going to figure out what it is you want, not just him or his team.” She added as a forethought, knowing me far too well. “Then the pair of you, you and him, can decide how and where you want to take this.”
I exhaled slowly and watched as my breath clouded the air, it made me wonder how cold it might have been over in London. “Right.”
Mila continued on, her familiar lilt taking back the weariness which had homed it minutes earlier, “I mean it’s not like anything’s actually happened, if you want to you two can just ignore it easy, wait for this all to blow over. It’s just gossip.”
My eyes widened and I stilled at her words.
But I must’ve been quiet far too long though, because Mila called my name and suddenly I was forcing myself to blink as I attempted to swallow back the memories of that kiss, of him holding my hand with all the care in the world.
“Right,” I repeated again, then cursed the way my voice cracked on the vowel.
Mila caught it right away and I felt rather than heard her internalise exactly what that could possibly mean, “You haven’t done anything– right?”
My mouth worked over words that wouldn’t quite come out and then winced when I heard my manager drop the phone to curse heatedly in Spanish.
It took a long minute before Mila had seemingly calmed herself enough to return to the call, time in which I spent worrying my knuckle between my teeth and wondering if everything that had happened with Em was even worth mentioning. If it mattered enough to him for me to voice it now.
“How long have I been telling you that you need to get back out there, to meet somebody and have some fun? I’m glad you took my advice, really, but I didn’t quite mean wrangle the biggest old-school rapper into your bed whilst holidaying in his mansion!”
I let my head fall into the hand not holding my phone and pinched at the bridge of my nose. I didn’t want to regret it, the things that had happened with Marshall, but Mila was sort of right. What had I really expected to happen between the two of us? He was a Dad, more famous than anyone could hope to be, and a tad bit older… Okay, a fair bit older– a decade, sue me. Hollywood had seen worse.
That wasn’t even it though, how had I yet to consider what the media, the press, the fans would think of it all? I supposed I’d pretty much found out.
“I didn’t sleep with him.”
Mila made an odd sort of noise at my admission which sounded tinny through the speaker, “Don’t lie to me now! Those photos don’t offer much, I’ll give you that, but babe, there was some sort of connection there.”
I fish mouthed again.
Mila didn’t seem to note the silence, “People are in actual awe over the look one picture managed to capture on his face! There’s no way you haven’t got that man wrapped around your finger.”
Blinking, I tried to recall what image she could possibly be talking about. I hadn’t seen anything of the sort. “I wouldn’t lie to you, Mils. Nothing like that has happened. It was just–” My mouth felt dry, the sort of dry you’d experience after being lost in a desert for days or just swallowed a spoonful of flour.
“Just what?” Mila prodded.
And I forced myself to finish my sentence, stare caught on the dampness that clung to the soles of my feet, “A kiss.”
–
I had a list now.
Of tasks to complete, one of which warned me to stay off all social media for my own good. Mila’s orders, not my own. But still, I couldn’t quite part with my phone even as I stepped back through the garden door into the kitchen, shivering at the rapid change in temperature and the sick feeling of anxiety that welled inside of me.
Even with that though, I noticed how the house now seemed to buzz, in a way which had me figuring that I was no longer the only occupant awake. So I swallowed back the lump of worry that sat heavy in my throat and made to trail my way further inside, ignoring the slight chill of tile that followed my feet.
I found him stood at the very top of the stairs with Rosie hanging off his hip, the silliest of grins plastered across her face which only appeared to brighten upon seeing me. “El!” She called out in excitement before she turned to fix her father with a ‘told you so’ glare, “See, she is awake!”
Marshall rolled his eyes at the rebuttal, but did evidently blow out a huffed chuckle in turn, choosing to let his daughter slip down his side and out of the captive hold he’d had her in for my supposed sake. He shook his head at her before he then turned to me, the exasperated look he’d gifted her disappeared the moment he saw my face. “You good?” He asked me, brow furrowing as Z peered between the pair of us.
“Where’s your phone?” Is all I answered him with.
His expression deepened at the nonanswer, but he scratched his head in thought before he recalled, “Chargin’ downstairs, I think. Died when we got home.”
Home, home, home.
I realised, not for the first time, that I’d taken to thinking of it that way too. Calling it London and not home each time it got brought up.
Swallowing once more, I felt another wave of nausea overwhelm me. Rosie’s head tilted in confusion as she quietly made her way down the staircase, hand sliding over the wooden rail. “I–” I tried, but fumbled for the right words to say. If there even were any. I let go of another breath, “You should go take a look.”
Marshall greeted my words with a look of reservation but did move to step down off the landing, making it to the bottom just as Rosie crowded me, her smaller figure slotting into my side with ease. I allowed a hand to come up and cradle the top of her head, hoping that whatever transpired from this wouldn’t sour things enough to send me back to London early.
And why was that my only hope? Instead of the way this could all impact me and my career, or the people around Marshall?
I didn’t move to follow Em as he made his way into the kitchen, socked feet padding over the tiled floor, much preferring the warmth that radiated from Z as I fought not to worry at my knuckles once more. I didn’t know whether or not I wanted to bear witness to his reaction.
“You’re freezing.”
The words caught me by surprise and so I blinked away from where I’d just been staring off into the distance, then peered down at the girl whose arms were wound around me. Rosie had her head tilted back, chin resting on the curve of my arm as she waited for an explanation.
“Sorry, just stepped outside for a minute,” I apologised to her whilst simultaneously answering the unasked question. It was subconscious, the action to rub a gentle hand up and down her arm in hopes to warm the pair of us up a tad, and Z countered her previous words by burrowing in closer.
“Are you leaving then?”
That next question immediately had me frowning, wiping away all the previous doubts that had just been running rampant through my mind.
“No, not yet.” I assured her softly, peering down at her once again. Her face was half-hidden, blonde hair mussed by sleep, and in that moment she looked so much younger to me. “Why you asking, hoping to get rid of me?” I teased sweetly, hoping that the method wouldn’t send her skittering into her shell and instead give me something of an honest answer.
The girl shook her head against my arm, then shrugged, “Just, you looked sad.”
A sad smile slowly eased over my features at that and I couldn’t help the way I squeezed her tighter. “Busy morning, I think.” I said in comfort, then thought about my next words, “But even if I was sad, doesn’t mean I’d just pack up and leave. Me and you, we’ve bonded, gonna have a hard time getting rid, okay?”
I pinched her side playfully with that, a move that had her squeaking and tripping over her feet to get away from my attack whilst still staying plastered to my side. “Don’t! You’re actually the worst!”
Laughing as she dissolved into giggles too, I relented on the tickling. And it was just as I went to reply that a sound had my head snapping up and over towards the kitchen doorway, heart stilling in my chest at the sight of Marshall stood there, phone in hand, his face void of any emotion.
“We need to talk.”
Rosie appeared to be all too aware of the sudden tension that dragged between us then, as well as the coil of nerves which straightened my spine, because she let her arms slip from my waist and took her hand in mine, squeezing ever so as she turned to look up at me. Obviously confused, she had no words to offer but the sentiment was clear anyway, she cared enough to stand against her Dad without even knowing what was going on.
It threw me completely.
Marshall seemed to catch on to the silent protest too, his blank expression flickering with evident surprise before he managed to unclench his hand from around his phone and drag it over the top of his head. He slumped, the ridgid stress he’d just been wearing melting ever so slightly. “We just gone talk, Z. She ain’t goin’ nowhere, I swear it’s work stuff. Something happened and now we gotta work out how we gone fix it, baby. That’s all.”
Z stared long and hard back at Marshall and the man met her eyes dead on, showing her he only meant the truth. His words seemed to appease some part of her, I deemed, enough to have her tightening her hold on my hand once more before she reluctantly pulled away.
I only wished that they’d had the same effect on me.
“That mean we’re not having pancakes then?” She wondered as she trailed across the hallway to head towards the kitchen, Em’s shoulders dropped slightly when she approached and he moved to run a hand through her hair.
“Promise is a promise. Jus’ have to wait a little longer, cool?” He answered, gazing down at her before he finally allowed her to slip by after she’d given him a nod. It was with that in which he turned to face me again and I had no idea what was going to go down, let alone how he was going to react. So when he silently gestured his head off to the side, I could only force my feet into following behind him.
We ended up in a small office just off of the living room, one I hadn’t really been in before now and that was decorated sparsely enough to ensure that no one else did either, at least not often.
Marshall took perch at the desk in there, large and mahogany, and leaned across it to start up the computer monitor stationed on its top. I found myself trailing after him, shuffling awkwardly on a dark rug for a second over where to sit before I just rolled my eyes at myself and moved around the desk to sit on its corner, uncaring for the way Marshall’s brows lifted in slight surprise. Because honestly, if we were going to do this then I wanted to see what the fuck the media was rioting over too, and how was I meant to do exactly that from the upholstered cushion sat on the desks opposing side?
He didn’t comment on it, though his eyes did trail over me for a split second before the screen flickered through the usual start up and login. I watched him type in his password, noting how he didn’t much seem to mind me peeking, before my eyes flitted back down to his face, taking in the way the monitor's light flickered over his skin and how his tongue darted out to wet his lower lip.
I wrung my fingers together in a way that would occupy my mind, mouth pursing at the sight of the slightly reddened knuckles I’d abused earlier. My stare must have caught Marshall’s attention too because I startled a tad when he reached out to pause my fidgeting, gaze lingering on the raised skin before the pad of his thumb moved to soothe it.
Suddenly my tongue felt too big for my mouth and all I could do was stare before his startled gaze flickered up to meet me. It almost appeared as though he hadn’t even realised he’d done it.
“Z’s okay, right?” I found myself asking him as I cleared my throat after he’d withdrawn his hand.
His sniff filled the silence as his arm jumped over to grab the mouse, now focused on the screen. “She um,” He coughed lightly, the click of the keys filling his tense pause, “She gets a little weary about shit like that, I guess. People leaving. Had a lot of ‘em come in and out of her life, figure it fucked with her a bit.” Marshall admitted gruffly, purposely paying attention to the computer now instead of meeting my eye.
I continued to watch him though, content to wait. My patience earned me a little more.
“Thought she’d grown outta it though, you know? Used to cry for her mom when she’d drop her off, or when I took her to school. Shit was always worse when I had to tour. Couple years back, she even got upset when Maria, our cleaning lady, moved States. Didn’t come outta her room for days.” He shrugged lightly as he recalled it, acting as though it didn’t much bother him anymore, but I could tell that it was eating away at him still, how much he blamed himself for Rosie’s struggle. “Figure she likes you enough that it’s sort of– I dunno.” He sighed, then waved it all off, desperate to move on it seemed, “You know what, don’t worry about it. I’ll figure it out.”
I wanted to sigh then too, because how could he think that I’d allow that to just slide?
“I’m here for her too, you know.” I heard myself say after a second or two had passed and kept myself from looking over at him to garner his reaction to that particular statement. This was meant to be work. I was just here to work. Though, that reminder had long since grown old. “I get it, being scared to attach yourself to new people in fear that they'll hurt you by leaving too. And Rosie, she’s not messed up for feeling that way, it’s just a coping mechanism. One a lot of kids experience–”
Em scoffed at that and my eyes instantly snapped over to find him shaking his head at me.
I narrowed my eyes a tad, but not unkindly or in defence, just a little perplexed.
“It’s true. Sure, they might not all have had a childhood like hers or mine, or even yours.” I acquiesced, “But even the kids who have that apple pie type life and grow up with cookie cut families can still be scared about those they love leaving. Like because their Dad works abroad a lot so they don’t see much of him, or how someone forgot to pick them up this one time and made them wait so now they’re fucked up forever.”
I smiled at the small laugh that escaped from Marshall at that, probably thinking over how normal that had probably been for him as a kid. I got it. “Mind’s weird, man. Kids are adaptable, but they get just as scuffed up as the rest of us. Z’s the same, but she’ll figure it out.”
“Or, jus’ do what you did and hold onto it so tight that people have to fight their way into her life.” Em countered easily, earning an audible gasp from me before he was smirking away and reaching out to poke a finger into my knee, assuring me that it was all in jest, “And don’t call me man, that shit’s weird.”
“Why not? What’s wrong with man?” I protested, grinning now as I started to pester him, “We’re homies, aren’t we? Buddies? Brothers?”
I cackled when he reached up to crowd a hand over my mouth, shaking his head all the while, even as I shimmied to try and escape his onslaught.
“What about bud?” I asked him from over the top of his hand the second I could, trying to steer my head away as I swatted him with my foot in retaliation, “Or dude? Hey, how about bro? Bro’s a good one!”
“Elia.” Marshall warned in a low tone once he finally caught my wrists in his hands, stilling me completely. Though I could see the tiny beginnings of his smile.
My eyes flashed upwards to meet his when he stood up from the desk’s chair, “Yeah?” I only continued to push, hoping that it would get me somewhere. Where though? I had no idea.
“You talk too much.”
My smile was far too smug.
“First time I've ever been told that.” I rebuffed, letting myself lean a little further into his hold.
“Somehow I don’t believe that.”
Humming, my eyes flickered between his own. “What do you want me to call you then?”
Marshall stared back at me unblinkingly for a long second, before his gaze dropped to my mouth then away again. “Guess that’s jus’ another thing we can go ahead and figure out.”
#eminem#marshall mathers#fic#slim shady#x reader#oc#eminem x reader#humor#imagine#x singer#eminem imagine#famous reader#oc insert#vmas#meet cute#strangers to lovers#slow burn#drama#real slim shady#slim#writer#writers on tumblr#famous people#music#celebs#eminem x#friends to lovers#getting together#when it comes to love#series
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you know. i wouldnt get so privately frustrated everytime i talk with my mum abt me and my brother paying ‘rent’/helping out w food or bills once we both have full time jobs if she at least had the decency to admit she just wants to use the money to pay off her and my dads debts quicker
#x#like. it’s not like i wasn’t planning to help out once i finished uni/got a proper job#i’m not. shameless. regardless of whatever they might think of me. i am in fact aware of the concept of giving back.#but it’s just like the first time it was ever brought up i offhandedly mentioned like. an average of what i thought was a considerate amount#to give. and she was like so obviously appalled? n was like well you know if you were living on ur own you’d be paying 3/4x that right#n suggested double the amount#and i was just like. idk. like no shit it would cost a lot more to live alone#but i’m not doing that am i? i’m staying with YOU. my FAMILY#am i not paying enough with the constant assault on my mental health and well-being by being around my dad here lmao…#did i not spend all my teen years hoping desperately to leave as soon as i could bc i was so miserable#to then find some sort of stability and decide that in this climate itd be better off to stay at home#like. it upsets me bc i’m just trying to think about saving up enough for the smallest hope of a pipe dream of my brother and i buying a#house together in the future. just SOMETHING just for ourselves for a sense of security#and i’ve told this to her like don’t you think me and harry should be saving as much as we can now while we live home…#bc they’re planning to abandon us in a couple years and go back to colombia anyways lmao. so it’s not like we won’t be paying rent ourselves#by the time we’re 25#which will make saving most of our money harder lmao#anyways she was like you’ll still be able to save a lot of ur money now! it’s not like i’m taking all ur money!#and i just feel like she’s missing the point idk. like. AUGH i’ve lost steam of my argument#but like. it’s not like they’re in a dire situation. like up until now when harry paid his first months worth of ‘rent’ they’d been managing#fine … like obviously everything is more expensive and we’re being more careful but like. it’s not some sort of emergency#she just wants us to ‘help out’ to teach us or whatever. and bc it’s right. bc they’re our parents#which. FINE like again i was never opposed to it ever i’m not an idiot or selfish i get it#but once i start working between me and harry we’ll be paying for half the rent. and we ALREADY buy groceries/food in general when we notice#there isn’t any at home#i hate feeling like i’m an awful entitled child for feeling upset abt it but i just feel like she setting us up to struggle just that Little#bit more when she leaves us alone in this country. and i’ve been stressing abt that since i knew that was their plan when i was like 12!#i don’t want her gentle little suggestions of helping out money wise to be couched in fucking. duty or responsibility to them as my parents#just ADMIT IT to me the money is going to go to paying your debts. just say it to me. it doesn’t sting as much that way. my god
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Ramón is being such a big brother to Sunny. I love this so much. My chest physically aches with how cute and sweet this is.
#like. Idk it just. Really solidifies how much of a family morning crew is like#Ramón sees that Sunny’s kinda nervous without her pa around and is immediately like. Alright. Brother instincts kickin in#I am staying by your side until we are both 100% certain you are safe and comfy#like. I remember being an anxious five year old girl and my big brother offering to sleep in my room so i would feel safe after a nightmare#or smthn#just#Ramón immediately stepping up for Sunny and being like. alright. You’re scared. I’m gonna do everything I can to change that.#It’s just so sweet and I cannot wait to see how these two interact in the future#raine rambles#qsmp#qsmp eggs#qsmp ramon#qsmp sunny#morning crew
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falling terrible victim to shitty phone games… this has dangerous effects for my week
#gross rant ramble below do NOT perceive me i want no pity i just want to complain#i am in such dgaf mode#which is not good bc finals are approaching#but i’ve got a strong undercurrent of misery and it’s overtaking me#dunno if it’s post election or seasonal or some third thing depression#but depression is back in full violent swing#and i haven’t been fully healthy in like a month#it’s that kind of feeling when you take a really long shower and still feel gross after#i know this bc i just tried to take a self care shower and now i feel sick and miserable and cold but also overwhelmed by product scents#i can’t even look forward to thanksgiving break bc i’m going home#which means: mother.#annoying extended family constantly reminding me i won’t get my top surgery#asking me how i feel abt that#dealing w overbearing grandmothers and their southern obsession with piling food on my plate#it’s not a break is what i’m getting at#i was so optimistic abt this winter too like i had plans for staying on top of my depression#then stupid trump came and shat all over that#ok rant over my head hurts#back to color sort#off my rocker
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having mommy issues be like I hate that you know me I hate that we’re related I hate that you birthed me I hate that you don’t know how to love me properly I hate that you can’t see how much you hurt me I hate that I’m expected to love you
#cy says stuff#I moved out when I was 17 for a reason#but I do still go back to visit when schools out sometimes and I regret it every single time#every time we talk I’m like damn is it time to call it quits because this is not it#I literally feel like I’m constantly on the brink of being disowned or kicked out of the house when I’m there#but it’s also for things like. bringing a single bottle of wine to a Christmas party that I did not even drink#or like. moving in with my partner of 4 years. because we are going to the 2nd most expensive city in Canada and girl I cannot pay the rent#or being upset when she reads my diary ?? or reads my credit card statements without permission and also just like behind my back??#like do you think I’m not going to find out when you bring up information you only would’ve known if you had read those things#I can put two and two together…#also I’m literally almost done my university degree. i am fully an adult. these should not be issues !#ahhhhh!!!#anyways I will speak to my therapist about this lol#also y’all my friends are always like oh I love my mom and it just seems to be a socially accepted thing that you should love your mom#but what if your mom sucks what then#I genuinely cannot relate to them I’m like literally what does that feel like#the first time I felt loved was when I was 15 lol there is 0 love in my family#anyways !#it’s okay I am out of it and I have been out of it#just#always on the brink of cutting her off forever lol#some ppl just never change as much as you want them to and that is tough to accept.#it is also harder because society is telling my that I need to stay loyal to my family cause they’re blood#but if this were anyone else I would’ve blocked them so long ago 😭
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I used to be in the "let Dabi live" camp but my staying there required very specific circumstances which have long passed 🤣🤣 I only lead with this because the recent chapter spoilers have got me sooo displeased. It IS cruel. The entire family needs to let him go. I get him apologizing to Shoto (if that ends up being true? I wouldn't trust it until an official translation drops but I am also mostly avoiding spoilers atm haha) because he had always wanted to apologize to his family, but let him go. Please 😭
so from what i can tell from the fan translation + scans, it LOOKS to me like he apologized to an empty room. the ‘sorry’ bubble is being said when the family is outside the facility, it appears????? unless i’m being entirely fucking delusional LMAO
i like this a lot better than touya apologizing to shouto’s face because 1. it feels much more in character, and 2. i’d argue it makes that soba moment a helluva lot more impactful. it almost feels like the final nail in the coffin of realization for touya, like he’s going ‘damn, he is actually JUST LIKE ME, we could’ve been enjoying soba together and i didn’t realize he wasn’t dad’s puppet; i didn’t realize he was also a victim’. when touya first comes face to face with shouto (as dabi), he hasn’t seen him in several years, he has NO idea what the fuck was going on in that house or how shouto truly is as a person or how shouto feels towards their father and all of the abuse he endured at the hands of their father, and touya has created and clung to this narrative in his head of shouto being enji’s lil masterpiece, enji’s pride and joy. shouto subsequently shows him throughout their various fights that this is truly not the case. i think you could argue that now that touya’s on the brink of death with nothing to do but THINK in that godforsaken machine they’ve locked him in, he is finally truly reflecting on everything that happened and coming to some realizations before he dies. at least, that’s how i see it!!
other than that, i’m so so so upset with how everything is being handled. i’m SO glad touya calls them out and says he feels like a tourist attraction because YEAH. yeah. that’s what they’re doing to you, baby. they’re keeping you alive and prolonging your inevitable death so THEY can talk to you, for THEM, not for you. ugh honestly i could write you a whole essay on how disgusting and disrespectful this whole thing is, i’ve been rambling all damn day to my friends about it HAHAHA ._. it’s just so goddamn selfish!!!!!! the fact that enji just speaking had touya’s heart raising to DANGEROUS levels already says so much. like you’re really just going to prolong his fucking suffering so YOU can all absolve yourselves of your guilt??? you can’t give him the one thing he has wanted and planned for for several years (death)??? fuck right off
#SORRY I KNOW IM RAMBLING I JUST#HES MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER OF ALL TIME AND I AM SO UPSETTTTT#i’m so upset#i’m happy he’s dying as morbid as that sounds because as u know i’ve always been in that camp#and hoped that would be the end for him#but what really just pisses me off is how much disrespect his family is treating him with#and that THATS his end (apparently)#(i’m terrified hori wont explicitly confirm touya’s passing and then he’ll come back in a sequel as vader the 2nd)#but anywayyyyy#yeah!!!#i’m upset!!!!!!#i’m so sorry bb i know he means a lot to you too#it really fucking hurts to see him have to go through this!!!!! it’s disgusting behaviour on the part of the family!!!#fuck all the todoroki’s except natsuo who is so clearly DONE LMAO#ugh despite this chapter i do hope thursday is treating u well <33#pls stay safe n drink ur water!!!#clari gets mail
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the prednisone was mean to me overnight :(
#marzi speaks#probs bc i have a family member flying down today#to help make sure i’m not alone while my parents take a weekend trip to [OTHER CITY IN OUR STATE]#so i’m likely anxious abt that or smth#still it SUCKSSS#stayed up too late which gave it time for a mood swing so i went to bed kinda just sad and longing#then woke up at 4 am in a puddle of my own sweat (thank you steroid hot flashes)#and like. also mildly convinced i was about to start a new infusion and had to do specific prep for that#like i was in the damn hospital again#which. in hindsight is probably a trauma response. hm#but anyways by the time i went to the bathroom and my brain understood that the Wet on my back was sweat and not my own blood#i was able to go back to sleep. until around 7 am#tried to go back to sleep. got maybe another hour. saying fuck it and just getting up now#i’ll try to take a nap later#sighhh. ups and downs ups and downs#i’ll figure it out or whatever. but it is a little annoying#this isn’t exactly a vent but i don’t want anyone rbing it so
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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Hmmm I kinda want to make a side blog for RPG Maker game development related things to be able to talk to more experienced people in that community, but at the same time I both don’t really think I’d get much attention and don’t want to accidentally spoil my own game (^^ ; ).
I have a rough story, concept doodles, a tileset, some character sprites, an enemy that walks around but can’t initiate battle yet (if I even decide to have a battle system), a couple rooms with some events, and a functioning run button, but I’m still lost on how to do much else at the moment. Especially since this program has the ability for scripting, meaning I’ll probably have to learn and actually retain another coding language.
So, I’m not very far at all lol. Idk how well that’d go over on the established fandom website, but eh.
#text post#incoherent rambling#project update#game project#I’m still also debating whether or not I can actually even make a proper horror game too#It’s the rule of like just being a horror fan doesn’t make you good at horror being afraid of something does? ya know?#I am trying to go with things that scare me personally but it’s been difficult#either things aren’t concrete of concepts enough or are wayyyy too oddly specific to make anything about#which is quitter talk I know but how does one translate the childhood heebee jeebees of watching top ten gaming videos past bedtime 💀💀💀#or like the way too broad general fear of lack of control without making it too on the nose or too vague#truly a balancing act writing is#kinda ironically I am also a little bit less afraid of hospitals after having been to one for myself rather than family members#which makes things both more and less difficult???#on one hand I have better references for them now but on the other hand I’m desensitized to it 😔#I think I get used to things a little too easily for a lot of things to stay scary#the thing was a scary movie the first time I saw it and now it’s a comfort film#funger was a very scary game until I first died and reloaded a save with little consequence and now it’s just a spooky but fun rpg#but then at the same time thinking about a movie studio logo before a movie that scared me as a kid cause there was a monster in it#still gives weird left over shivers but actually seeing it doesn’t anymore for some reason#I feel like that’s how it’s worked with most things I’ve ever been afraid of in my life besides concepts like death control or idk drowning#ugh writing is HARD#but actually making a functional and fun to play game is harder oh my god do I not know how to make puzzles#I have made swivel chairs that can be knocked and walked over but that’s about it and idk what to do with that knowledge lmaooooo#and I don’t want the entire gameplay loop to be read text search room get key repeat cause that’s boring#I have also desperately tried making a stamina system but there’s not much help with that online especially not in the rpg maker forums#the no necroposting rule sucks all the threads for questions I have never get answered and never will cause no one is allowed to due to age#anyway idk what to tag this probably won’t get seen since it’s not my usual anyway but eh whatever I’ll think about this#hopefully I remember the passwords to two blogs 💀💀💀
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One of my brothers is moving away to college today + I have to skip therapy, so it’s a lot of… a lot. a lot.
#he was just a baby! he was just a little kid I carried around and took care of!#no nope. not gonna get into it right now. I WILL cry. it’s not even 6am and I do not need that right now#and I don’t really know if therapy today would really help#if I got into it I’d just start crying in front of this nice dude for an hour#though yeah… might be nice to.. I dunno… just talk about it.#I am always simultaneously ‘therapy is good’ and ‘what’s the point in talking about it?’#so maybe I do need that person that’s like ‘this is your time. just fucking talk.’#but also right now it’s like… talking about it won’t take me back to when my brother was little and far off from leaving#blegh…#whatever. anyway. it’s gonna be a sad day. I’m gonna cry A LOT. I’m gonna be alone in this apartment and just sooooobbbbbbing#and then keep this inside for another week before I can go to therapy and talk about this bc god forbid I talk to a family member about it#ok now it’s 6am. I think he’s leaving in about 4 hours. it’s cool. it’ll be cool. 😎 I’ll just miss my bro so dang much#but maybe I’ll walk down to the dollar store and stock up on snacks and I’ll get blasted and fatter and try to stay positive#uggghhh#I’m too emotional#time just keeps moving for us all. to my dismay.#’time is the fire in which we burn’#you can ignore this#I don’t think I’ll ever have kids. I’ll never have kids. and being there. with him. with my brothers. that was the closest I’ll ever get.#and it’s over… so… 🤷🏻♂️… it’s just done… they’re grown. and I’m still here. I don’t know what else to say…#but that’s life. they’re doing their thing. I’m happy for them and I want them to be happy too. I’m just a big crybaby#IAN!… stop typing!#just making myself sad at this point#it’s fine. it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m cool. everything’s… cool 😎#this isn’t important#text
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you know I was feeling like shit earlier today and I still feel kind of shit (not as much) but I also saw so many fireflies that it looked like the night sky was in the trees. The world isn’t filled with evil. There’s still some good out there. Just last year I saw maybe 10 fireflies the entire summer. This year they’re lighting up my backyard. There’s small things we can do to change the world, even if it won’t happen all at once. If you’re feeling as hopeless and helpless as I was, go outside and look at the fireflies. Smile that they’re living because people fought for them to live, and it worked. Smile knowing there will always be people fighting, that there’s kindness and gentleness out there that will combat any greed and hate generated. We may not finish the work, but we can do our part, and we can leave a mark. Every tiny thread makes the tapestry, there’s no thread more important than the other. I know I sound cheesy but honestly if you can’t handle it you need to learn to lighten up, humble yourself and accept the meaning.
#it made me so happy to see that the fireflies were back#they were almost gone entirely where I lived. they’re still not as numerous as they were when I was a kid but they’re lighting up the sky#if you have a problem with my cheesy prose you can write ur own version btw. bc I’m not stopping :)#and if you can’t write ur own version then sit down and eat ur food#I still feel low bc it’s not like I’m swinging right back up from where I was but I am doing better bc I have such good friends and family#and it’s not morally wrong to feel sad and hopeless sometimes. it’s normal. it’s important to learn to get back up however#even if I choose to keep on living I can’t continue to live in hopelessness. that isn’t living at all#there has to be some good to be found even if you have to scrape your knuckles till they bleed digging for it#and good and loyal friends will always be there to help you when you need it#that said even if you can’t find hope and joy it matters to keep trying. a good support system will help you until you can smile again#and if you don’t have one please don’t give up. you will find your people and they will be so happy you stayed alive to be in their life
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No one:
Me: does anyone want to hear what my sims family did today
#i am fucking neck deep in the sims 2 super collection and will not be resurfacing any time soon#so far nannies are causing ALL of my problems in this neighbourhood it’s actually ridiculous#tell me why this bitch; instead of waiting for my sim to get home from work and pay her; left early and stole one of our kitchen counters#and THE TODDLER’S XYLOPHONE?? what was it all for#then she refused to come back the next day so i had to keep the teenager home to watch his little brother. SHERYL WHEN I FIND YOUUUU#thank god i managed to resurrect his grades#also in a different family the kid aged up into the fucking whiniest person in the world. and i’m trying to find him a person#but he doesn’t like ANYONE. it’s exhausting. i’m playing the prosperity challenge right? which means i started out with four CAS families#all with kids about the same age. and i was hoping some of them would like each other so i could start merging families next generation#but one of my boys was like ‘nope i like this random girl’ and another was like ‘nope i found a really boring boy’#and another was like ‘i like the paper girl!’ but why do none of you like EACH OTHER. answer me that#i’m not sending all of your boring significant others to college with you. you can have your high school sweetheart with the alien eyes#because she’s pretty cool looking; but the cookie cutter boy and the paper girl might have to stay home to be honest#what else is happening. i mean i renovated a maxis dorm and built some really rubbish community lots#i’m horrendous at building. i go for function over aesthetics so i end up with really boring buildings#but the neighbourhood now has a cemetery; a general store/coffee shop and a roller rink/arcade#so that’s kind of nice. not that anyone USES these businesses. i sent one of the boys there to look for his future spouse and just found#somebody’s dad repeatedly falling over#maybe once they all get to college i can just do some sort of forced proximity love potion situation and they’ll HAVE to like each other#i don’t want to add too many households to the neighbourhood and only one of my original families has one kid#that’s why i want as many people as possible to marry off. BUT NO ONE LIKES EACH OTHER it’s so annoyingggg#personal
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I think I need to go to sleep soon my brain is once again is being haunted by the sad thoughts
#the evil thoughts are invading againnn#thinking about when my dogs will die#I can’t fucking handle it I can’t#snowball and cotton#I got them both 5 years ago#they were both around 3-5 when I got them#that must mean they are around 8-10#I mean they are small dogs so they are more likely to live longer#but still#I need to prepare for when the time comes#snowball is already going blind#and I think deaf as well#it’s freaking me out#I never had a dog before therefore never had a dog die either#in fact I never had a close family memeber die really#other than my great grandpa#the rest are all distant cousins#I don’t think I can handle it#I’m only still here bc when I was legit planning cotton came up to me and fell asleep on me#I knew I needed to stay alive for at least my dogs#honestly though I am so much better mentally and I actually have learned to actually enjoy life#but I’m scared I’m going to fall back to that way of thinking#why must my brain torture me so#why can’t my dogs life forever#I need them in my life#what do you mean I won’t have my babies around when I’m like 40#LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL BUT CRUEL AT THE SAME TIME
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I haven’t looked in on the unfinished side of our basement in a while and… my dad’s hoarding has actually gotten significantly worse. And we just heard from my grandfather last night that he’s pretty sure my grandmother is going to pass soon. And when that happens, my father’s hoarding is absolutely not going to get better. So. That’s a lot. I brought it up to my mom and she told ME to research psychiatrists that specialize in hoarding. It’s a very eldest daughter kind of day.
#it will be a relief when my grandmother passes mostly because it has been causing my grandfather so much pain to care for her like this#she’s been in decline since 2016 and has been in basically a vegetative state for the past 2 years#so we’ve already made our peace with that and started that grieving process#but I am the most worried for my father#he’s been in therapy for a couple of years#but he still doesn’t have many coping skills#his binge eating has gotten worse his hoarding has gotten worse#so we’re absolutely headed for a breakdown if intervention doesn’t happen NOW#and my mother has kind of resigned herself to it happening which means it’s all on me to make sure it doesn’t#because apparently I’m the only one in this house that actually gained coping skills#‘your parents trauma isn’t your responsibility’ i can hear my therapist saying#but Ashley I still have to live in their house so if I want to stay sane while living here#it has to be somebody’s responsibility#and like many times in my family history: nobody else is willing to do it so if I don’t do it it won’t get done#thank you for coming to my ted talk#taking a friend to see a movie later because his mother just had emergency spinal surgery and can’t walk#and she’ll be in a rehab facility for over a month#*heavy sigh*#eldest daughter syndrome
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i am such a one drink girlie. tipsy is plenty and i do not want to experience a hangover ever in my life
#marzi speaks#think my roommate went clubbing or smth last night so i’m thinking abt it#and like. god that is not for me. clubbing/partying in general is fine but one drink is. plenty#being drunk is fun but i don’t wanna get so drunk that i feel sick. like ever#give me a single mixed drink for me to sip on and i am good for the night#don’t need anything more#it’s funny tho i talk to my parents abt this stuff and they’re like ‘you’re being smart but don’t miss out’#and it’s like. folks you both have alcoholism in your families. you both know it’s probably for the best if i minimize my alcohol intake#my parents were both party people growing up and sometimes it shows when i talk to them lmao#they’ve peer pressured me more than my friends ever have. they will respect it if i say no tho#what being gen x does to a motherfucker i guess#literally my entire childhood my parents’ philosophy on drugs was ‘there’s a time and a place for everything and it’s called college’#which. i learned was a south park reference as a teenager. and i felt so betrayed#bc i was convinced that was smth they came up with organically prior to that#ANYWAYS. i have never experienced a desire to get wasted and i hope it stays that way#weed’s more fun anywho. and i still have a low ass tolerance so it’s cheap too#uhhh do i tw tag this. sure#tw alcohol mention#tw drug mention#there we are :]
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