#but i was a child. i was 16 & i was a child & he raped me

[pleaseshootthejester]

My best friend had a baby and people keep asking if it'll be me next and I have to stop myself from sobbing every time, I tell people I don't want kids but that's not quite true, I've just come to terms with the fact I can't have kids. But now everyone is pushing the matter and it's starting to get to me

[estrellade]

.

[cressidagrey]

Stars all aligned - Chapter 16 (The End)

Summary:

If there was one thing that both Azriel and Zahra Archeron had in common, it was that they were both very good at blending into the background.

They just never thought that their family were going to be the ones who never saw them at all.

Warning:

Penultimate chapter! Bashing of like...every IC member, though we have now reached the point where Rhys and Cassian are the good guys, discussion of chronic pain, discussion of Infertility, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Underage Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Accidental Baby Procurement

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable, please, take care of your own mental health and don't read it.

(Lovely dividers thanks to @sweetmelodygraphics)

Which one of you blabbed? he seethed mentally to Rhys. Guess who came to a visit.

Azriel was seething with rage. He could sense Zahra's hurt, her anger, the emotional turmoil simmering beneath her calm exterior. She was protecting him, defending him, shielding him from her sisters...and it only fueled his anger further.

He wanted to step in, to shield her from everything, to protect her from the harm her sisters were capable of causing. But Zahra was standing tall, her gaze steady, as she faced her sisters. Let her have this moment, Rhys' voice whispered in his mind. Cassian and I are on our way. 

"We don't want to take anything from you," Feyre broke the silence, her voice wavering. "That's not..."

But Zahra shook her head sharply. "No. It doesn't matter what you want," she said coldly. "What matters is what you have been doing. You have spent the last few years ignoring me. You have all but disowned me. You have constantly reminded me that Ia m nothing to you. The constant reminders that I am nothing to you. You have all but disowned me. And now, you come here and expect me to give everything up? For what? For you? For the family that never once treated me as one of them?"

The words hung heavy in the air. Zahra's voice was unwavering, her gaze unwavering. Azriel's chest ached with the need to protect her. His hands itched to shield her, to hold her, to comfort her. But he stayed back, his body rigid with restraint. 

This…This she had to do on her own. He knew that she was strong enough for it. Zahra was so strong. So utterly strong. So resilient. She could do this on her own, she needed to proof to herself, that she could do this on her own. 

Elain's eyes were watering, her hands clutching at the fabric of her dress. "I...I didn't know," she whispered.

Azriel really wondered what Elain was thinking to keep insisting on this. He didn’t believe for one moment that there hadn’t been signs. That Zahra had succeeded in hiding away every single bruise, every single injury so well that her sisters couldn't have noticed if they actually cared about. 

Zahra snorted at that moment, the sound harsh. There was no true amusement in her voice as she answered: "Of course, you didn't," she said dryly. “I did everything so that you wouldn’t find out. I was willing to take that secret to the grave with me.“

“Why?” Nesta demanded

“Because I shouldn’t have to sacrifice myself to make you act like you care,” Zahra snapped.

It was so obvious from her tone…the pain, the anger…a wound that had cut deep, that had never healed. 

Zahra stepped towards her sisters, her eyes burning with a fire that Azriel had never seen before. "You never once asked," she said, her voice rising. "You never once tried to even act like you cared about me. You buried your heads in the sand while I went through hell alon.."

Her words echoed in the silence that followed, the weight of her pain and her anger palpable in the air. Elain was openly crying now, soft sobs escaping her. Feyre was pale, her hands trembling. But Zahra's gaze was fixed on Nesta, a glare laced with bitterness and anger.

"You have absolutely no idea what I went through," Zahra continued, turning her gaze upon Nesta. "The pain, the shame, the humiliation. You never once even wondered why I should have an affair with him. Instead you made fun of me. Instead you treated me even worse. You never once wondered where I got the money from. You should have known that Feyre’s hunting wasn’t enough to sustain us! If I didn’t do what I had to, we would have all starved!“

Azriel's heart ached with each word that came out of Zahra's mouth. The pain, the anger, the years of pent up emotion was finally coming out, the dam broken.

She was not holding back, her words sharp and scathing, aimed directly at her sisters. The air was thick with tension, the silence broken only by Elain's soft sobs.

Nesta's mouth had dropped open, her eyes wide with shock. "You...you did that for us?"

Zahra laughed bitterly. "Who else, Nesta? Who else would it have been for? I did what I had to do to keep the rest of you alive."

Elain's sobs had escalated to loud, hitching gasps. Feyre's face was ghost-white, her hands twisted together in a white-knuckled grip. But Nesta looked as if Zahra had slapped her, the words a blow to her very core.

“Even when you never treated me like your sister, you are mine.”

Everything wrapped up neatly in one single sentence. It was a death knell. 

A killing blow. 

And he loved her all the more for it. He couldn’t help but marvel at the strength she possessed. She was the strongest, bravest person he had ever met, and the knowledge that he was hers filled him with a sense of possessive pride.

Elain was openly weeping now, tears streaming down her face. Feyre was silent, her eyes wide, her hands clutched to her chest. But Nesta's face was a mask of shock, pain, and shame.

"I did it all for you," Zahra continued, her voice cracking slightly, "and yet, not once did you show me a shred of care. You never once even asked if I was alright."

Her words echoed in the silence, the truth of them hanging in the air like a thick, suffocating fog. The pain, the loneliness, the rejection. It was all there, laid bare for her sisters to see. And it was clear from their stunned, guilty faces that they were seeing it all for the first time.

No one spoke. No one moved. The only sounds were Elain's sobs and Zahra’s ragged breaths. Azriel wanted so badly to cross the room, to hold her in his arms, to take away the pain he knew was coursing through her.

So he did.

Just in time to feel more than hear the arrival of Cassian and Rhys.

Azriel's eyes met Cassian's, and he saw the surprise and concern written on his brother's face. Rhys' expression mirrored the same emotions, his eyes darting between his mate and Zahra.

Azriel pulled Zahra against him, wrapping her in a tight embrace, shielding her from her sisters' gazes. He could feel the tremors running through her body, the aftershocks of the emotional storm she had just weathered.

“I thought I told you to leave her be,” Rhys said, his voice even.

Azriel didn't loosen his hold on Zahra, his arms still tight around her. He felt her sag against him, weary and emotionally drained.

“We just wanted…” Feyre protested weakly. “We were worried."

“Zahra was with Azriel. What was there to be worried about?” Cassian said drily.

“She’s our sister,” Elain burst out, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “We were just worried for her.”

Azriel’s jaw clenched. Worried for her, now? After all these years? It was too little, too late.

"Now you're worried," he growled, his voice a low rumble. "And where was this worry all those years when she was suffering?"

“Az…” Zahra murmured, her voice soft and broken and he pressed a kiss against his wife’s head

Azriel's anger faded slightly at the sound of her voice. The vulnerability, the sheer rawness of emotion in her words made his heart ache. He held her tighter, his eyes still fixed on her sisters.

“I said it before and I’ll say it again,” Rhys said sharply. “She doesn’t owe you anything and respecting her choices is the least you can give her, if you ever want her to actually talk to you again. If you truly, actually want to try and make amends.”

Elain and Feyre looked stricken, their eyes filled with guilt and remorse. Even Nesta was looking at Zahra, her mouth opening and closing like a fish.

“But we…we never meant...” Feyre started, only to falter under Rhys’ glare.

“You never meant?” Rhys repeated, his voice hard. “You never meant to hurt her? You never meant to ignore her existence, to never once show any care for her? You didn’t meant to disrespect her choices? Again? For cauldron’s sake, Feyre!”

Zahra flinched at Rhys’ raise voice.

She’s waking, the shadows whispered at that moment.

Given her an out that she needed desperately. 

“Go take care of Azalea,” he whispered in Zahra’s ear. He could nearly feel some imperceptive tension in her frame ease at the sound of their daughter’s name. 

She nodded, giving him a quick squeeze before gently slipping from his embrace. 

The tension in the room felt like a physical weight, the air thick with it.

Azriel couldn't help but watch as his wife walked out of the living room, the door of their bedroom closing behind her.

Silence descended again after she left, the room seeming suddenly empty without her. Azriel turned his attention back to her sisters, meeting their gazes with a cold glare. His gaze lingered on Nesta. The oldest sister, the one who should have protected Zahra, the one who should have seen and understood her struggles. Instead, she had been the most hurtful, the most dismissive.

“How could you?” he said finally, his voice a low rumble, “How could you just ignore her? Your sister? For two decades you just…you just acted like she didn’t exist. And she believed it. She believed she was nothing to you.”

Silence met his words, all three sisters looking guilty and distraught. Even Cassian was quiet, his face grave as he looked at the aftermath of Zahra's emotional upheaval.

Azriel wanted to shake them, to make them understand the depth of the pain they had caused, the damage they had done. He had seen it for himself, the way Zahra had believed she was nothing, the way she had resigned herself to a life of being invisible, of being nothing to her own family.

"How can you say you care for her now," he snarled, his voice sharp, "after you let her suffer alone for so long? How can you pretend that your worry means anything to her after all these years?"

Elain was still crying openly, her hands clutched to her chest. Feyre looked like she was struggling to hold back her tears. But it was Nesta who finally spoke, her voice quiet but intense with emotion.

"We…we never knew…" she whispered. "We should have seen it…should have asked her, should have realized what she was going through…"

Azriel's anger flared again. "You should have," he agreed. "You should have cared enough to ask, to notice, to remember that she was your sister. But you didn’t. You just ignored her, left her alone, abandoned her."

He sighed, the anger embering in his gut. 

“And you know what’s the worst part?” he asked Nesta sharply. “She’ll forgive you. One day, she will forgive you, because you are her sisters. Because she loves you more than you ever deserved her to. Because she’s good right to the bone. And I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure that people don’t take advantage of that part of her,” Azriel said sharply.

The sisters flinched at his words, the truth of them a blow. Feyre looked at him, her eyes pleading, her face wet with tears. Azriel held her gaze, his expression stern.

He knew that Zahra would forgive them one day. He knew that because he knew her heart. And that was what angered him the most. They didn’t deserve her forgiveness, they didn’t deserve her love.

But he also knew that Zahra's forgiveness would not come easily. It would not come without effort, without remorse, without proof that they truly regretted their actions. And even then, he knew it might never truly heal the wounds they had inflicted. 

"Zahra will forgive you," he said coolly, "because she is good and kind. But do not take her forgiveness for granted. Do not presume that she will give it without you earning it."

Nesta nodded, her face white, her gaze fixed on the floor. Azriel could see the guilt, the pain etched into her features. But he knew that it was not enough. Not yet.

"It will take time," he said quietly, "and effort. And you will have to prove, again and again, that you understand the depth of your actions, the harm you caused. And even then, it might not be enough. Because she is my wife now, and she and our daughter are my first priority."

“”From where exactly do you have a daughter?” Feyre blurted out. “She wasn’t…Zahra wasn’t pregnant, was she?”

“The shadows kidnapped her,” he said drily. “They have moral issues with keeping babies in dungeons.”

Feyre's eyes widened, her mouth dropping in shock. Elain gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. Even Nesta looked taken aback.

He couldn't help but feel a small pang of satisfaction at their dumbfounded expressions.

***

Zahra had retreated to the safety of the small bedroom, the door tightly shut behind her. The pain, the anger, the years of pent up emotions had all come bursting out in a wave that had left her trembling.

She laid down on the bed, burying her face into the pillow. The sobs came again, a shuddering, bone-deep release of emotion.

Her mind replayed the words she had said, the emotions that had spilled out, the hurt and the pain laced through her voice. It had needed to be said, the truth needed to be laid out. But the aftermath was…messy. The look on her sisters' faces, the shocked expressions…

She couldn't bear to think about it, not right now. All she could do was sob, sobbing into the pillow, her body shaking with the force of her emotions.

A soft coo next to her, and she looked up to find Azalea sleepily reaching out for her.

The sight of her baby girl made her throat constrict. Azalea was blinking up at her, her little hand reaching out for her. The sound of her soft coo only fueled the emotions churning in Zahra's chest.

She reached out, picking up their daughter and cradling her close against her chest. Azalea snuggled against her, her tiny body warm and familiar.

Azalea never screamed. Or cried. Or demanded attention unless she could see them… then she sometimes gave a questioning soft coo, wanting them to interact with her.

Zahra found comfort in the familiarity of her daughter's presence. Azalea was quiet, always quiet, yet always observing, always needing to be part of the action.

She held her tight, her cheek pressed against the soft, downy hair. Azalea cooed again, her hand coming up to pat Zahra's face, almost as if she knew her mother needed comfort.

The tears continued to fall, sliding down Zahra's cheeks and disappearing into Azalea's hair. The pain and the hurt still burned deep, but holding her daughter helped blunt the raw edges. 

She sat there, rocking back and forth gently, her eyes closed, focusing on the weight and warmth of her daughter in her arms, the steady rhythm of Azalea's breathing. Slowly, slowly, her sobs quieted, her racing heart slowing down its panicked pace.

“Come on, let’s go see Daddy.” She said softly.

Azalea cooed in response, her big, innocent eyes looking up at her. Zahra couldn’t help but smile, as she lifted her in her arms, settling her against her hip. 

She stood up, holding Azalea close against her, and made her way towards the door. The silence in the rest of the house was stifling, as if the whole building was holding its breath. Zahra paused outside the door, her heart pounding.

What was happening out there? What were her sisters thinking? What was Azriel thinking?

She took a deep breath, steeling herself, and pushed open the door.

The battle lines had clearly been drawn.

Azriel was standing by the kitchen, his back to the door. His shoulders were tense, his hands clenched into fists. Her sisters were on the other side…Cassian and Rhys right there in the middle, clearly ready to throw themselves in the fray if something did happen.

The silence seemed thick enough to cut with a knife.

Zahra stepped into the room, her heart in her throat. All eyes turned to her, Azriel the first to turn around. His face softened as he took in her appearance - Azalea in her arms, her eyes red and puffy, her face streaked with dried tear tracks.

He held out his hand for her and she fitted herself against his side. His eyes were soft, full of concern and love, but there was a hardness to his features, a flicker in his gaze. He reached out to brush his knuckles over her cheek.

“Are you alright?” he murmured, his voice low. His hand moved to the baby in her arms, gently touching Azalea’s soft hair.

“I will be,” she whispered, looking up at him. The warmth of his touch, the understanding in his eyes eased some of the remaining pain, some of the hurt. “I just...I needed to hold her for a bit.”

Azriel nodded, his eyes lingering on her face for a moment longer before turning to her sisters and the High Lord and Cassian. His expression hardened, his protective instincts clearly flaring at the thought of what they had done to her.

They remained silent, their gazes shifting between her and Azriel. It was Feyre who finally spoke, her voice hesitant.

“Zahra...we -”

“Don’t,” Zahra interrupted, her voice weary but firm. She didn’t want to hear their apologies, not yet. She couldn’t stomach that. Not right now. 

Azriel’s arm slipped around her waist, supporting her.

“I’ll need time,” Zahra said weakly.

“And you’ll have it,” Azriel said firmly, his arm tightening around her. He met the gazes of her sisters, his eyes hard as steel. “As much time as you need.”

”I am so sorry,” Feyre breathed, her eyes fixed on Azalea.

Zahra couldn’t help herself as she pulled her daughter nearer to herself.

Azriel tensed beside her, his arm around her waist like a vise. The sight of her sister’s apology, the look on her face...it was too much, too soon. Zahra took a ragged breath, trying to calm the rush of emotions in her chest.

“I need time,” she repeated, somehow managing to keep her voice from shaking too badly. “I - I just...I need time.”

Feyre nodded, tears spilling over her cheeks. “I understand,” she choked out. “I just...I never wanted to hurt you, but I did and I…”

Zahra felt Azriel's grip on her tighten, his body rigid with barely controlled anger.

She placed a hand on his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart under her palm. “It’s alright,” she repeated, more for his benefit than her sisters’.

She couldn’t look at Feyre anymore, the sight of her tears making her own heart ache. She turned her gaze to the other two, her eyes locking with Nesta and Elain.

They were watching her silently, a mix of guilty sorrow and regret on their faces. Elain’s usually soft features were pinched with shame, Nesta’s cold expression betraying a hint of remorse.

And they were staring at her baby. “What’s…what’s her name?” Nesta asked, her voice shaky.

“Azalea,” Azriel answered, his voice hard. Zahra felt a flicker of satisfaction at his cold tone. He wasn’t going to forgive them easily, not after witnessing the pain they had caused her.

Elain looked stricken, her eyes wide. “She’s beautiful,” she whispered. Nesta simply nodded, her eyes glued to the baby.

Zahra felt a small pang in her heart at Elain’s words. She knew the compliment was sincere, but there was also a pang of hurt, a reminder of the years of silence, the years of being ignored.

She pulled Azalea closer, her grip instinctive and protective.

Azriel’s hand was rubbing circles on her hip, grounding her, reassuring her. 

“Thank you,” Zahra brought out.

“She looks like Azriel,” Nesta said suddenly.

“She is biologically his niece,“ Cassian said flatly. “But she is Azriel’s and Zahra’s daughter.”

There was a moment of silence, the statement echoing through the room. Azriel’s breath hitched beside her, his grip on her hip tightening for a moment. The implications of the words hung in the air, a stark reminder of the unconventional ways in which Azalea had come to be.

Zahra, however, felt a strange sense of calm. The words were merely stating a fact, a truth that could not be denied. “She’s ours,” she agreed with Cassian, sticking out her chin, daring her sisters to say something. But they didn’t.

Nesta swallowed. “Congratulations,” she said softly, much to Zahra’s shock. “She’s adorable.”

Zahra blinked, surprised at the unexpected well wish. The words seemed almost genuine.

“Thank you,” Zahra murmured, her voice soft.  Azriel’s hand tensed on her hip again, his protectiveness on full display. Zahra could see the muscles in his jaw clenching, his eyes flicking between her sisters and their daughter.

The room was filled with a strange sort of tension. She should have known that it was gonna be Cassian that had absolutely no problem with breaking it with a bright grin, waggling his fingers in Azalea's direction who immediately reached out for him.

“She likes me,” the general chuckled, his usual easy smile plastered on his face. "I am clearly the favourite uncle."

Rhys rolled his eyes, the tension breaking somewhat. “She just want to grab your fingers, you oaf.”

“Nah, she’s smart, she knows who the cool uncle is,” Cassian retorted, reaching out to hold Azalea’s little hands in his bigger ones. Azalea cooed, grabbing hold of his fingers with a serious expression, her tiny hands looking laughably small in his grasp.

Azriel rolled his eyes but the tension in his shoulders relaxed a little, his gaze fixed on their daughter. It was hard, even for him, to stay completely serious and protective when the Lord of Bloodshed was making funny faces at Azalea and she was giggling like a little maniac.

Zahra couldn’t help but smile at the scene, the tension in the room slowly easing. 

Azalea’s giggle was like a ray of sunshine, bright and pure. She was usually quite reserved, her emotions more often than not kept hidden, but she was clearly enjoying the attention.

Cassian, meanwhile, couldn’t resist the temptation to start pretending he was eating her fingers, making exaggerated ‘nom nom’ sounds and grinning widely when Azalea shrieked with delight.

Even Azriel couldn’t help but smile at the sight, the corner of his lips curving up. It was impossible not to be charmed by Azalea’s infectious happiness.

Feyre chuckled, her earlier tears wiped away now. Even Rhys and Nesta looked less tense, their gazes on Azalea as she continued to pull on Cassian’s fingers.

There was a part of Zahra that wanted to hold on to the good moment, to bask in the relief provided by Azalea’s laughter and Cassian’s antics. But the elephant in the room was still there…

She knew there was more that needed to be said, more that needed to be discussed. The pain, the hurt, the years of silent isolation… She couldn’t simply ignore it all now just because Azalea was being cute.

Despite this, she didn’t know how to start, how to voice her hurt without the pain and the anger taking over again.

Azriel seemed to sense her turmoil, his hand on her hip moving to the small of her back, gently rubbing soothing circles.

“We need to talk,” she said, her voice steeling. "We will talk. Soon. But not now. When I am ready. And not when you decided that you need to apologise because you feel bad."

Her sisters nodded, their expressions solemn. It was Feyre who spoke up, her eyes wide and sincere.

“Of course,” she said, her voice low. “We will wait until you’re ready, just… just know that we do want to change, to fix things…”

Nesta and Elain nodded silently, their gazes fixed on Azalea who was still grabbing at Cassian's fingers.

Azriel’s hand on her back began to rub soothing circles again, his silent support grounding her. She took comfort in his presence, in the knowledge that he was right behind her, ready to back her up.

“We understand,” Nesta spoke up suddenly, her voice more firm than it had been before. “We will be patient. We will wait.”

Even Elain, who was usually the more soft-spoken sister, nodded emphatically. 

Azriel's hand on her back tensed, but he remained silent. His whole body was taut with suppressed anger and the need to protect, but he held himself in check, letting her handle the conversation.

“Thank you,” Zahra said quietly, her voice a little stronger now. 

Feyre smiled softly, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “We won’t try to make excuses or to justify our actions,” she said, her words firm like a promise. “We messed up, we own that. We’ll wait until you’re ready and then we’ll listen. No interruptions, no excuses, no defenses.”

Zahra would believe that when she experienced it.

Azriel's hand on her back continued rubbing soothing circles, as if sensing the scepticism in her mind. He was still wary of her sisters, unwilling to trust their word so easily.

But he was also willing to take her lead on this.

Azriel was many things, but he respected boundaries and choices. He would always give her the space and the time she needed to deal with things her own way, while still being a steadying presence, a quiet strength by her side.

Despite his reservations, he was trying hard to keep his own anger and opinions to himself. But she knew him well enough to sense the tension in his body, the way his muscles kept clenching and unclenching, evidence of the restraint it was taking him to keep quiet.

The others in the room likely noticed it as well. Nesta and Elain were both discreetly watching him, their expressions wary. Even Cassian, who was usually oblivious to these things, was stealing quick glances in his direction.

“Just… just give me some time,” she said quietly, her eyes flickering to each of her sisters in turn. They all nodded, their faces solemn.

Cassian was the next to speak, his voice uncharacteristically soft. "Take as much time as you need, Zahra.”

It was strange, hearing a tone from the usually brash and boisterous general she hadn’t thought him capable of. But his words were genuine, his expression sincere. And coming from Cassian, saying that was just one more reminder of how much her relationship with her sisters had been damaged.

Azriel's hand on her back squeezed briefly, a silent signal of his agreement.

The others remained quiet, their gazes flickering between her and Azriel. It was a strange dance they were all doing, a careful balancing act of emotions and words left unsaid.

But it was something. Something closer to peace than she ever thought she would have.

"Whatever you need," Rhysand promised, fiercely. The High Lord’s voice was firm and unwavering, the power evident in his words.

Zahra could sense the sincerity in them, the genuine regret and determination. It wasn’t enough yet, not nearly enough after all that had happened, but it was a start.

It was something.

The support from her sisters, the promises from Rhysand and Cassian…

They were something. A foundation to start rebuilding on.

The road to forgiveness would be long and rocky, she was sure of that. 

Azriel's hand on her back squeezed again, silently reassuring her.

Her eyes met his for a brief moment, the look in them speaking more than any words could.

In the warm, deep hazel of his eyes she saw worry, determination, a hint of anger and a lot of love. She saw acceptance and support, understanding and patience.

And she knew that no matter what she decided, no matter how long it took her, he would be there with her. Always.

***

Notes:

I could probably write another 16 chapters in this story, but I do feel like right now it's an alright space to stop. A bit of an open ending, with a kinda hopeful look in the future.

[dulcewrites]

I think the thing that shocks me the most about the discourse, if you can even call it that, around book Alicent vs show Alicent, is the idea that people think book Alicent had full autonomy over all her choices and she wasn’t a “victim” like show Alicent.

Now first, I put victim in quotations bc the way people who do not like her have almost bastardized that word. Alicent is a victim, and those things (rape, abuse, neglect) were done to her. That says everything about the men who did that do her and nothing about her. But people are hellbent on throwing Alicent, a woman in a violently patriarchal environment, being victimized back at people as if it is moral flaw of hers. Which is just terribly ironic bc the same folks who say Alicent “did it to herself” or “deserves what she is getting” also seem to think the crux of the story isn’t about generational trauma catching up with itself, how far people will go for power, or even how all girls and women are harmed - albeit to different degrees. But more the fact that Rhaenyra is the only woman to be harmed - and the only harm done is not getting the throne easily. Those same people wouldn’t be caught dead admitting that Rhaenyra is also a victim in the way they shit on Alicent for being. From the father who sets her up fail, to the baby daddy that’s been eyeing her since she was barely 18, to the uncle that grooms her. It takes away from the fantasy projected onto Rhaenyra if she too is surrounded by men that use her and she never escapes that.

Second, it’s funny how F&B gets heralded by some as this exploration of how history is skewed depending on who is telling it. But people can’t read between the lines (you honestly don’t even have to do that much work) with book Alicent. Showing 14 year old Alicent being preyed on, 16 year old Alicent being pregnant with her second child, and 18 year old Alicent being raped is somehow the show needlessly making Alicent a victim. But reading about a 13 year old bathing, dressing, and taking care of a king who mistakes her for the daughter he abused and neglected, and then that same girl, at 18, marrying another king that killed his previous child bride is just girl bossism on book Alicent’s part?

People hate conceptualizing the idea that (even book) Alicent is caught in patriarchal trappings bc to some that takes away from Rhaenyra’s plight…. Bc they can’t wrap their heads around several women *gasp* all going through hardships, and that ultimately people will respond to trauma differently depending on tools/knowledge they have at their disposal. Alicent neither being gleefully evil nor picking herself up by her bootstraps to somehow end years of patriarchal violence is not the neat box they want for her.

[ladykailitha]

Icarus Part 16

Hello! This story is back and will be for at least the next two weeks. After that I will be taking a two week break in posting so that I can have a good backlog again. Moving and vacation absolutely destroyed the nearly 20 chapters I had waiting in the wings. I went from 18 to 8 and while I am up above 10, it's not much above 10 (as of right now? 11).

I have four stories going on right now and the goal is to get at least four chapters each so I can have 16 in my backlog. So from Aug 18th, to the 31st, I won't be posting any chapters from any of my stories. I will still post ideas, meta, headcanon et al, but no story updates.

Anyway back to your regularly scheduled metal band Steve!

In this we find out what happened to Barb and why it drove a rift between Steve and Nancy, more about how the bands formed, and Vickie gets a feel for her new clients.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15

~

Steve spent the night with Eddie after that horrible day he had. Once everyone had gone home and it was just Steve and Eddie, Steve curled up on Eddie’s chest and held on for dear life.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Eddie cooed, running his fingers through Steve’s hair, gently scratching his scalp. “When I suggested her I didn’t realize she still held a grudge against you after all these years.”

He let out a long shuddering breath. “Our breakup was entirely her fault. When Barb used my party to runaway with her boyfriend, a boyfriend no one even knew she had by the way, Nancy was so sure that she had been trafficked. That Will just wasn’t kidnapped, but there was a ring of child abductors taking anyone they could get their hands on.”

“As if that’s how that works,” Eddie said rolling his eyes.

“Right?” Steve huffed. “Anyway, she went on this one woman crusade to bring Barb Holland home. Even after Will Byers was kidnapped by a guy who thought he was his son. I tried to be supportive because Barb just up and leaving was scary for everyone. She was making me put out fliers and dragging me to dinners with Barb’s parents. They even hired a private investigator to find her. Had to sell their house to cover it all.”

“So what happened?”

“Finally the PI found her,” Steve murmured, “living in Florida on some beach somewhere, having the time of her life, not even caring about her family and friend thinking she was dead. But by the time they found her she was eighteen and they couldn’t do anything about it.”

Eddie winced and pulled Steve even closer. “What about the guy? How old was he?”

“Twenty-five.”

Eddie’s eyes went wide. “Come again? Couldn’t they have gotten him for kidnapping and statutory rape?”

“They couldn’t prove he was the guy she had run off with and for all they knew they got together after she turned eighteen,” Steve explained, picking at the blanket absently.

“I guess I’m just not seeing how this was any of your fault,” Eddie admitted dryly. “It sounds like it was Barb’s fault.”

Steve let out another sigh. “It was my fault because I took Nancy’s attention away from her friend when she needed her the most and Jonathan knew what it was like, not knowing when a loved one was ever going to come home. That he was sensitive and caring. That he wouldn’t beg for one night of being a teenager and go to some Halloween party.”

“Ouch,” Eddie said with grimace. This was sounding worse and worse for Nancy. He couldn’t believe he had ever trusted her.

“She was already cheating on me before the party,” Steve said, finally looking up into Eddie’s eyes.

Eddie pulled him onto his lap and kissed the top of his head. “I’m sorry, babe.”

“Do you want to know what her excuse was?” Steve said with a scoff. “It was because I was just phoning it in and that I really didn’t care about her, about Barb, that I was just some self-centered jerk. As if that absolves her cheating.”

“You’ve never just phoned anything in in your life, sweetheart,” Eddie said fiercely. “You are always one hundred percent passionate about everything you do. Even crappy jobs like Scoops Ahoy and the coffee shop.”

Steve looked up at Eddie with a soft smile. “Those were the two best jobs I’ve ever had, because if I hadn’t done them, I wouldn’t have been able to do this one.”

“How’s that, honey?” Eddie asked after giving him a kiss on the temple.

“The first one is where I met Robin and the second is where I met Simon, Shane, and Spence.”

Eddie threw back his head and laughed. “That’s definitely one way to pick up friends.”

“Well, we all can’t have the good fortune to have met in middle school and never break up ever,” Steve snarked.

“Wait until I tell you that Gareth isn’t our first drummer and we used to have a different bassist, too.”

Steve shot up and looked Eddie in the eye. “You’re joking, right?”

“Nope,” he said shaking his head. “Our first bassist was Doug Teague and our first drummer was a girl named Ronnie Eckers. Ronnie’s parents forced her stop the band after the middle school talent show when I threw up the devil’s horns and they thought it was a gang sign.” Steve chuckled. “And Dougie, Dougie wasn’t made for fame and fortune. He wanted a simple life with a white picket fence and 2.5 children. He sent Brian a message when we put out our first single saying that it was Brian’s addition to the band that was the reason we made it big. Brian printed it out and has it taped to the inside of his bass case.”

“Holy shit,” Steve whispered. “I never knew. I thought you guys were like The Struts or whatever and never changed band members ever.”

Eddie smiled. “I’m glad you think we have that kind of chemistry, but no. It’s been a bit trial and error before we got this far.”

Steve snuggled back into Eddie’s chest and he wrapped his arms around his waist. “I hope we never have to swap someone out,” he murmured. “Otherwise we’re going to have to hunt down someone with the same initial as the rest of us and probably even snipe the leaving member for good measure.”

Eddie burst out laughing. “That would make for some very interesting entertainment, that’s for sure.” He suddenly straightened up. “Wait. Is that why all your onstage personas begin with an A? Because your real names all begin with an S?”

He looked down at Steve, who was trying not to laugh. “Oh my god! It is! That is fucking hilarious! And no one has ever put two and two together?”

“Nope!”

Eddie just shook his head. “I think it’s classism. The reason they haven’t put two and two together. Why would two rich pretty boys fallen on hard times form a band with two blue collar boys? They just can’t fathom the idea that people from all walks of life can be friends.”

“Simon and my families still can’t understand how we can hang out with you and Robin and the rest of our friends,” Steve agreed. “But I fear that our friends might be playing into it too. That Stupid Steve and Flighty Robin who have always had low paying jobs couldn’t possibly be an international rockstar and his fashion plate manager.”

Eddie sighed. He wanted to refute that, but just last week Steve had gotten a call from Dustin who had spent most of the call berating Steve for not having any ambition. And even some of the nicer kids had expressed concerns that their friends didn’t want to be more than peons at some fancy record label.

Never mind that Steve said he loved his job and being able to work along side his friends was the dream. Steve explained it as doing what he loved no matter how much it paid him, but they couldn’t see that.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Eddie cooed. “Let’s get a shower and then go to bed. It’s been a long day for everyone and we need the rest.”

Steve nodded and got up to pad over to the en suite bathroom. Eddie followed close behind. They merely showered, taking care of each other and then got slowly ready for bed.

Eddie slipped under the covers first and then held out his arms out for Steve. Steve wordlessly went willingly into his boyfriend’s arms, knowing that Eddie would be there for him come morning.

They snuggled under the covers and slipped silently into the warm embrace of slumber.

~

Vickie was working out great and had set up a meeting with Steve and Eddie to go over their relationship status.

“I understand you won’t be able to go public with your relationship for awhile is that correct?” she asked once they got settled into her office, her choosing not to do the meeting in public.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “I have a history of bad relationships and Steve can’t be out as Abbadon which would make sense public wise.”

Steve nodded.

“Would you want Abbadon and Eddie to come out as a couple at some point?” Vickie asked, shifting the papers on her desk.

Eddie and Steve shared a glance. But Steve shook his head.

“I want Eddie and Steve to be the couple that everyone knows about,” he muttered. “It’s completely selfish of me but I want to look at publications, tabloids, sound bites and all that other shit and know it’s not me they see with Eddie, but Abbadon. The much cooler one.”

Vickie nodded. “But you two were friends before the fame and during, right?”

“Yeah, we were friends in high school,” Eddie agreed, his knee beginning to bounce. “We somehow stayed friends through the first couple of years I was out in LA for that first record. And then Steve and Robin moved out to Pasadena. Which I thought was because our young friend Dustin got into school out there–”

“But it was because he got his own record contract?” Vickie supplied.

Steve nodded and rested his hand on Eddie’s knee to calm him. “Yeah. It was a great excuse, our friend’s mom has always been over protective due to a disease he has. I don’t know if people are expecting us to move out to Boston when he graduates and goes to MIT, but that was never the plan.”

“I think Steve was saying that as long as they are masked,” Eddie put his hand over Steve’s on his knee, “that he didn’t want to come out as a couple.”

Vickie leaned her elbows on her desk and clasped her hands together. “I see here that you and Shane are having your personas Abbadon and Astraeus are coming out as bisexual and gay respectively, is that correct?”

“Yeah,” Steve said, rubbing his thumb over Eddie’s hand, for his comfort or Eddie’s, he wasn’t sure. “That’s another reason for wanting to wait on coming out as a couple.”

“You’re worried about the fallout?” she probed gently. Steve nodded. “That’s fine. That’s what I’m here for. For the first twenty four hours after you’ve gone live on your coming out, I will keep track of all your phones so that you aren’t reacting to a gut punch right out of the gate.”

“But Celeste and Eddie will still have their phones?” Steve asked, rearing his head back in confusion.

Vickie cocked her head to the side. “Robin will need her phone, but I can’t take Eddie’s. Not unless he wants me to.”

Eddie grinned and stretched out, putting his hands behind his head. “I can’t promise I’ll be good, but I know how far to take things now.”

Vickie nodded. She had expected that to be his answer. And if she was honest even to herself, she wanted Eddie standing up for Abbadon. Because Eddie had already handled his coming out and would be seen as a powerful ally.

“Even if you aren’t publicly friends,” she said, “Eddie defending Abbadon is publicity money just can’t buy.”

They talked for a little while longer until they finally wrapped it all up. As they walked out of Vickie’s office to Eddie’s Jag, he got a phone call.

“‘Ello?” he greeted. “Hey Dr. Owens.”

He stopped and held up a finger to Steve as he listened. “That’s great news.”

He listened again. “Yeah, of course. Um...” he paused. “It’s not like I doubt you or anything, but after last time...”

Eddie rounded his shoulders as he repeated, “Uh-huh. Of course,” over and over.

Steve reached out and took his free hand in his. He gave it a comforting squeeze and Eddie’s shoulders got a little less rounded, now that Steve was holding him.

“Yeah, talk to you soon,” Eddie said. “Bye.” He turned to Steve. “How soon are you guys going be finished with your album?”

Steve blinked at him for a moment before he tilted his head to the side. “About a month or so, why?”

A slow small grin spread out over his features. “I think that will be perfect, actually.”

Steve just blinked at him in confusion.

“Gareth is being let out of rehab at the end of the month,” Eddie said gleefully. “So we can finally go on tour!”

Steve grabbed his arms and started squealing. Eddie jumped up and down with him.

It was finally happening. They were going on tour.

~

Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25

Tag List: CLOSED MAXIMUM REACHED!

1- @mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @zerokrox-blog

2- @gregre369 ​@a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @val-from-lawrence

3- @goodolefashionedloverboi @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog @irregular-child @blondie1006

4- @yikes-a-bee @bookworm0690 @anne-bennett-cosplayer @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten

5- @genderless-spoon @y4r3luv @dragonmama76 @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt

6- @disrespectedgoatman @eyehartart @dawners @thespaceantwhowrites @tinyplanet95

7- @iamthehybrid @croatoan-like-its-hot @papergrenade @cryptid-system @counting-dollars-counting-stars

8- @ravenfrog @w1ll0wtr33 @child-of-cthulhu @kultiras @dreamercec

9- @machete-inventory-manager @useless-nb-bisexual @stripey82 @dotdot-wierdlife @kal-ology

10- @sadisticaltarts @urkadop @chameleonhair @clockworkballerina @garden-of-gay

[kamisamabest]

nobody can change my opinion on this im the #1 ferid hater

he literally said he has a lolita complex,would make his child servants wear see through clothing,threatened to rape mikaela and sa'd him by spanking him,keep in mind mika is 16

he likes the blood of children,and blood sucking is a confirmed sexual thing in owari no seraph

he also drank mika's blood when he was 12 let's not forget that,and even asked mika to bring yuu next time

"b-but he's just jo-" mf do you think that all of these are a joke? if they were why would someone like him "joke" about being attracted to kids? and was threatening mika and sa-ing him also a joke? or liking children's blood?

and he also showed off his (small) dick to shinoa and mitsuba,who are 15 and 16 and which counts as sa/sexual harassment towards them

he makes comments about how he loves krul who has the appearance of a child (a 12 or a 14 year old i don't remember when she was turned)

you literally cannot justify his actions.

sureeee he had a fucked up past so what? and so did Urd and Ky and Lest and others? did they try to get freaky with kids? no

tbh people who honestly like ferid are a joke and you can't convince me otherwise. like imagine simping for/loving someone who literally openly says that he's a pedophile.

idc abt how much people try to justify his actions, he's a pedophile and that's a fact. get over it if you can,or cry about it.

[emaistome]

Alicent and her "liberation"

I wholeheartedly believe that to tell a feminist story, you have to at least tell a story that make sense, this is unfortunately not what Ryan Condal and his team did with Alicent Hightower, in season two of HOTD.

I kept defending them and their choices, until that last scene of season two, and although it breaks my heart that Alicent “sacrificed” Aegon, I have to admit that the things she said around it bother me a bit more.

Before anything, I want to point out that the patriarchy is not some fable, some story that they tell women to make them be submissive; it’s a setting that affects the lives of every living woman in the world (both the real world and asoif). It restricts the freedom of women, and put their very lives at stakes all the time. It manifests itself everywhere, so much that it’s easy to make people believe that “It’s just the order of things”. Sure, women can try to fight against these rules, like Rhaenyra (to a certain extent) who did not care about the prejudice against women and their sexuality, and vied for the throne despite having bastards. Or like Rhaenys, Visenya and Alyssane who despite all of their faults, did try to make the lives of women in the seven kingdoms better.

Alicent did believe that men were more fit to rule, while she thought that women were supposed to “guide them gently”. Although she believed that Rhaenyra should sit the Iron Throne, and she also tried to be named regent, so it’s inconsistent, but I digress. However, I don’t blame her for that. Alicent did not make these rules; these rules existed long before she was born, and that’s what she has been taught since she was a child. Alicent suffered a lot from them. In fact all her life, all she did was trying to make a better life for herself and her children under these rules. For the entire season one, Alicent was shown as the person who suffered more from gendered oppression in the show. Her reasoning for taking the throne was valid her actions were understandable and motivated by self preservation. If they Rhaenyra took it, she would need to kill all of Alicent’s children.

Somehow, season two episode height, had her apologizing for all the actions she made out of self-preservation. And you can smell that some 21st century writer was the mind behind her reasoning, but I’ll say more on that later.

Multiple people in charge of the show, talked about Alicent needing to be humbled. Why does she need to be humbled and apologize for her sins? While a man like Viserys, who cut his wife to take a child out of her and raped Alicent is glorified. They had her recite all the misogynistic criticism the general audience had against her, and apologize for it.

Alicent tried to be the perfect friend for Rhaenyra, more than she should have. For some reason people still find ways to blame her. She was groomed since she was 14 by Viserys and Otto; she is blamed for that, as if she had any agency in the situation.

Alicent should betray her family, disobey her father to protect Rhaenyra, do the opposite of what she was told since she was a child. And it would still not mean anything because neither her, nor Rhaenyra have power in the situation.

She was raped by Viserys as a 15/16 years old girl, again it must be her fault as a 15 years old girl, and she manipulated poor old Viserys who had no idea that he was grooming a young girl. And they always use the argument that it was fine at the time. The discourse around it resembles the discourse around Lolita when it was first published more than 50 years ago, and people still haven’t moved from blaming young girls for the actions of the men around them.

If they have a little bit of conscience, they will tell you that they feel bad for Alicent when she was a child, but not for the adult she became. But the adult is the direct result of the abuse that she suffered when she was a child. And again she fears that her children could be killed, a valid fear. Why would I blame her for doing what she could to save her family? Apparently Ryan Condal and Sara Heiss, think that she should apologize for that. “I lost my way; or rather it was taken away from me.” Implies that she realizes that getting married and having babies was never what she wanted, but something that was forced on her. But in the same scene (just like in the entire season), she praises Viserys even thought he was the main person who took her agency away from her. And I understand that victims can cope by idealizing their abusers, but viserys did not abuse only her, he abused her and her children, and clearly didn’t value her sacrifices. I think it came to that point where she didn’t even need a “liberation arc” to realize that, yet she still praises him.

Let’s talk about her plans to run away. This is where the writing started to feel the most like a 21st century pseudo-feminist was in charge of this writing and was more attached to the idea of Alicent being free, instead of real freedom. Alicent planned to runaway with her daughter and her granddaughter to “breathe the open air, and finally be free”, but she doesn’t plan any money? It’s as if they were trying to make her sound dumb because Aegon and Larys were also planning to runaway but somehow they knew they had money somewhere. But Alicent? Nothing. I’m actually not nitpicking. The patriarchy actively refuses to grant women power or money, so that they could stay bound to the men around them, to their family. And she doesn’t have any skill to survive when she “wanders in the wilderness” she was raised a highborn lady in a castle life in the wilderness, without any family to protect her would kill her and her autistic daughter and granddaughter. Women usually stay in abusive environments not only because they were brainwashed, but also because they feared that the world outside might be less kinder to them. It takes a minimum of logic to understand that the patriarchy can’t be kinder to a lowborn unknown woman than Alicent who sat in the royal small council, where only her and Rhaenyra sat as women in the seven kingdoms. She is still top two, of the most privileged women in Westeros, running away would not make her situation better.

We have a a history of women actually running away from Westeros and not being free from the patriarchy. Saerra was sold to a brothel, Jorah’s wife was some man’s concubine and Daenerys, had all her money being stolen and was sold as a child bride to Khal Drogo.

There is not a single way to make that scene work, it’s not feminist, as it realizes nothing but making one of the most intelligent characters appear very dumb. And I’d rather have Alicent be misogynistic and intelligent than having her be liberated and dumb. Women in real life can be misogynistic and perpetuate the system that made them suffer because that the only way they can survive. But also how can I blame her for her own oppression, how can I ask her to apologize for her actions as a victim.

[weirdo09]

hobie brown

i’d just like to say, i hope y’all never meet a black boy nor man because y’all’s behavior over one black teenager is honestly disturbing.

like the racist headcanons, the not taking accountability for your disturbing fics about him because “HIS AGE ISNT MENTIONED!!” like don’t act dumb, you know them people said that he’s a slight older boy than miles which would be like 1-2 years, making him 16-17. it’s also just the “i want his dick inside of me” “i want to have his kids” and the sex hcs where it’s like “he’ll fuck you hard and not give you aftercare, just leaves you to take care of yourself.”

i’m not really bothered by the smut fics and hcs cause he is attractive and i will read them every once in awhile but y’all be taking it to the extremes, calling him toxic, making him out like some abusive boyfriend, he’s only sweet when he wants you to have sex with him, he only wants you for sex, he’s a full person but only cool because he’s in a band and has sex with you, he lets his band mates fuck you without your consent, he rapes you for whatever reason (y’all’s writings not mine), he doesn’t care about stopping to see if you’re okay or if you need a break.

basically what i’m seeing is that he’s only good for sex and some of the good fics about him only portray certain parts of him. like i’m all for writing about your favorite characters n what not but if you’re basically gonna treat his character like you’re personal boytoy and not see him as anything else, it’s really harmful. especially with y’all not tagging your fics correctly and the smut fics i previously mention get seen by a minor who would want to read smut of him but not that bullcrap.

y’all literally write him being abusive to his partner, not just physically but call it “teasing”. i’m sorry but if my partner said something about breaking up with me or that i’m not good enough, would i think that that’s just “teasing”? like honestly, if you treat all your ‘blorbos’ like this then i feel sorry for you because hobie’s an amazing character that isn’t just there for you to dream about fucking and getting pregnant by him.

he’s there to show you how corruption and fascism impacting your way of life can lead to you wanting to rebel and become an anarchist to that society. he’s there to teach you that you can make your rules, that you’re more than what one person tells you, you tell yourself what you wanna be. he’s a symbol for black people who don’t wanna follow the rules of a white supremacist, fascist society, for the people who’ve ever just been like “fuck the government, i’m my own person.”

i really feel like y’all take him for granted and he is a character for a children’s type of media so the “well minors shouldn’t be looking for his smut!!” doesn’t work here. honestly, do y’all ever care about characters that aren’t perceived as “fuckable” or “attractive” by your standards? it just really pisses me off because y’all act like that’s all he’s there for, your yearning for BBC has really dimmed your perception of this character. HES A IMPORTANT CHARACTER FOR YALL TO ROLE MODEL CAUSE ITS OBVIOUS YALL DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE MOVIE’S CHILD AUDIENCE BUT YOU GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM SO

if you care about hobie, please remember that there’s more to him than you wanting him to fuck you and he would hate the things that you’ve done to him because you have bigger issues in the world than “he would fuck you with his big cock.” LIKE WAKE THE FUCK UP WE COULD BE MAKING ANALYSIS OF HIS CHARACTER BUT INSTEAD YOU THINK THAT HES JUST THERE TO BE EYE CANDY LIKE OMGGGG

just please for the sack of everyone, learn more about his character and stop tryna be antiblack and sex crazed over him. if you love hobie, just stop being the way that you are because it’s honestly disgusting to have to see grown adults wanting a canon minor to fuck them. you ain’t slick, the fact that i even have to write this is disgusting. do better, fandom is more than saying that you would fuck a character, care more about the teenagers on this site that are in the fandom with you as well. stop being selfish and start caring about the other people in the fandom.

[lets-go-hurt-someone]

I know this is a BG3 blog, but humour me.

A good decade before Astarion could step gracefully out onto our computer screens and into our hearts, there was Zevran Arainai. I want to shine a little love on my first delightfully murder-y elven rogue.

Ruminations beyond the cut. Fair warning, it’s long and there’s heavy discussion of how they each reflect on trauma and abuse. The similarities are honestly never ending.

Of course there is the obvious— they’re both blonde, they’re both pretty, they’re both the unambiguously pansexual elfy rogue boy of the group. They are sassy and sarcastic and cynical but in a fun way! Oh, and the accent! You take them along for the sneak attacks but keep them for the delightful snark.

And of course, they both introduce themselves by tricking and then trying to murder you.

It makes absolutely no logical sense to trust either of them, really: they’re both prolific killers who express no real remorse, but instead some enjoyment, in what they do.

They’re quick to sleep with you, but slow to trust. If you show them compassion, it confuses them. They both have trouble understanding love, wanting love, being loved. After all, they were both slaves. And they both have only been free for all of about 30 seconds when they meet you.

And once they realise they care about you… they stop sleeping with you because their past has so warped the way that they relate to their own bodies and sexuality that they don’t even know what to call it, let alone how to cope with it.

Because they’ve both been forced to make their entire identity seducing victims for slaughter. They’re both survivors of pretty horrific mental, physical, and sexual abuse.

But there’s the difference: that statement is true of both Astarion and Zevran, but only one of the two would really describe it that way. Astarion knows he’s been abused. Zevran… has convinced himself he’s thankful for his lot in life. Until he’s not.

Zevran has late aughties sexism and edgy sexual banter written all over him, to be sure. He outright sexually harasses pretty much every woman he meets, and a few of the men. It’s meant to be light-hearted teasing, but not all of the dialogs have aged well. I remember not thinking much of it back then, it was standard stuff, but now… now I just read it a different way. I don’t know if this was the writers’ intention, but to me he’s always clearly been a victim of sexual abuse who’s coping using hypersexuality. He’s rationalising the hell out of the fact that he sleeps with all his targets (which is rape, of course, but rape perpetuated by someone who has been so abused as to be unable to even consider framing it that way… or he’d have to consider reframing what was done to him, too). Unlike Astarion, a killer and a practiced lover are the only identities Zevran has ever had: so he leans into them, holds them close.

I feel like they managed to sweep some really heavy nuance under the rug by making Zevran seem like he’s just another shallow playboy stereotype for the player to “fix.” Like he’s telling you all these charming stories about bedding his targets before assassinating them, telling you how he’s been trained to be an expert in seduction, and it’s all very intriguing and compelling but then you think… he’s like what… 24? The math from the extended universe puts him out as a working assassin when he was 15 or 16 at the latest. He says he dodged sexual abuse as a child growing up in the whorehouse, and that being sold to Crows was a better alternative… but really, the Crows pimped Zevran out the same exact way Cazador did to Astarion. They both had no choice but to lure countless people to their deaths with their looks.

But while Astarion resents it, Zevran tells you all about it with a wink and a grin… so we get to sigh in relief and move on. You don’t have to interrogate it too much if you don’t want to. But it’s there. And it’s damaged both of them. Right to the end, if you tell Zevran you love him, he will lament it as cruel — he can’t comprehend anything else.

Zevran paints a more impressionistic picture of someone coping with abuse, but with Astarion the game takes us a step further and gives us a closer look at the internal struggle of actually healing. If the archetype is moody sassy trauma elf, Zevran to Astarion is the most wonderful progression of the character trope I ever could have hoped for. (And I’m sure there are some Fenris stans who could write an essay on where he falls in the pipeline.)

What I boil it down to is this: While Zevran was a bit more of a veiled, blink-and-you-miss it sort of representation that hugely reflected what was socially acceptable at the time, Astarion gets to be a fully-fledged meditation on trauma and abuse. He gets to be ugly, and seen as ugly or sympathetic depending on how you treat him. He gets to examine why he acts the way he does, and consider new ways to relate to the world. He gets to make what was only really implied with Zevran explicit.

And finally, at the end of his arc, Astarion gets to say “I love you.” I just love that for him— and for me. The young person I used to be who saw herself in Zevran has grown up and saw herself in Astarion, too, now more mature and nuanced and reflective, putting herself back together piece by piece. These two characters somehow each struck me at a very particular time in my life, in a mirrored way that reflects how their stories mirror each other.

For me, before Astarion, there will always have been Zevran. Two characters I never thought I’d see in a video game, that I can’t help but be dumbfounded at how they each helped me process my own trauma. It’s incredible. It feels important. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, at least about Astarion.

But I do wonder how many other people have held onto Zevran in a little piece of their hearts too, the way that I have. For all his flaws, he’ll always be my first.

[irrealisms]

svsss and sexual violence pt. 3: non-bingqiu sexual violence

standard disclaimer at the beginning: i am not saying that this is the Only thing svsss is about, or that other readings are invalid; i am not intending to character-bash most of the characters here (while i will freely admit to thinking e.g. old palace master or qiu jianluo are pretty one-dimensionally shitty, lots--probably most--of the characters in this series who i mention as perpetrating SA are characters who do have depths & who i in fact like a lot! despite this meta, or perhaps because of it, my second-favorite character is luo binghe, and i am in fact a bingqiu shipper!); and, obviously, huge fucking CW for sexual abuse and adjacent topics. this section is about 2k.

(also: shoutout to @rooses40stepskincareroutine for motivating me to actually write all this out!)

TABLE OF CONTENTS pt 1: shen yuan's realization of himself as a target pt 2: gender and homophobia pt 3: non-bingqiu sexual violence (you are here) pt 4: shen qingqiu's body pt 5: we live in a society

so, in parts 1 & 2 i talk a lot about bingqiu as a site of sexual violence & shen yuan as a victim. but to establish that this is a theme of the book as a whole i want to talk more about the sexual and sexualized violence done and experienced by other characters! this one will be broken into a few subparts lol

volume 3, chapter 16

one of the things i noticed is that a lot of this ramps up all in the same chapter--in chapter 16 of vol 3 (i'm working with the official translation; in the web novel this is chapters 59-63, and I don't know which parts are in the same vs different chapters), we get four different references to sexual abuse of/by different characters, of varying levels of explicitness. some of these, on their own, i wouldn't necessarily take as evidence of sexual abuse, and i don't necessarily stand behind all of these as definitive proof of sexual abuse for the characters on a fully watsonian level--but to have four references, all incredibly close together, after spending a lot of the book on scenes of sexual assault and sexualized violence, is not an accident of writing, either. this is supporting my take of svsss as broadly concerned with sexual violence, as a text.

the first two happen at the same time, and are the most explicit: old palace master.

No wonder the Old Palace Master had always been so good to Luo Binghe, to an almost unsettling extent. No wonder that Su Xiyan, despite being his most beloved disciple, had held absolutely no attachment to Huan Hua Palace and had readily betrayed her sect to run off with a demon youth without ever looking back. This “love” must not have been much different from molestation. And the Old Palace Master’s favorable interest in Luo Binghe was definitely founded in the shade of a former beloved disciple that the sect leader had seen in him. He had extended his perverse possessiveness of Su Xiyan to Luo Binghe, deluding himself into thinking he could groom Luo Binghe into an obedient darling child.

it is IMO explicit text from this (and from what we hear later of Old Palace Master, Su Xiyan, and Tianlang-jun) that Old Palace Master groomed, raped, and generally sexually abused Su Xiyan. It is also explicit text from this section and the section surrounding it, in which Old Palace Master looks at Luo Binghe like he would touch him if he had hands and talks about how he looks like his mother (there's feminization as a site of sexual abuse again!) and SQQ thinks about how OPM was unsettlingly doting on LBH and that he was "thinking he could groom Luo Binghe", that OPM wanted to sexually abuse LBH in the same way.

It is not canon whether he successfully did sexually abuse LBH in the same way, but, well... I observe that (a) Luo Binghe was part of Huan Hua Palace for a while post-abyss (b) after SQQ's death, Luo Binghe makes OPM into a human stick, which in PIDW he does to SQQ--his abuser (c) OPM comments on LBH looking most like SXY "when his eyes are closed", and it's not like he would have been lacking in access to asleep LBH while LBH was his ~beloved disciple~ at huan hua palace (d) SQQ, known Most Oblivious Man Alive who is terrible at identifying when people are sexually attracted to each other & thinks that LBH (both versions) is Immune To Abuse Probably, after, like, a page of seeing OPM interact with LBH (who isn't even conscious for it), is going "OPM groomed LBH". It's not conclusive, but it's really fucking suggestive. At the very least, he extremely textually really wanted to rape Luo Binghe. We've got some Unsettling Implications going on in there!!!

the third implication in this chapter is Qiu Haitang, witnessing Shen Jiu's past:

“It’s not possible… Not possible…” she said, her lips trembling. “It’s fake! It’s all fake! It wasn’t my brother. My brother didn’t do anything wrong—it couldn’t have been him! You’re lying!”

now, on its own this isn't obviously sexual, and whether the Qiu Jianluo-Shen Jiu relationship was sexually abusive at all is something that is left ambiguous through the end of the book, and which I will discuss further later in this post. But this is a major reference to that relationship, which is...well, whether it was sexually abusive was ambiguous, it's not an unambiguous "no" either. this is my weakest point of the four IMO but put next to the others i don't think it's nothing.

the last implication in this chapter is actually from Tianlang-jun, and it's one I haven't seen talked about at all:

“Peak Lord Shen, don’t forget, your immortal body was in our hands for no short amount of time,” Tianlang-Jun replied, his words quite suggestive and teasing both. “There’s really too much we could have done.”

this is in the context of having forced him to drink demon blood while he was unconscious--something that luo binghe did earlier in the book in a very sexualized manner, which was both emphasizing the threat of sexual assault and deliberately analogous to being sexual assault (it's a very literal, physical violation of autonomy). and TLJ is insinuating (suggestively!) that they could have done more, that they had SQQ's unconscious body for a long time, that they could have done anything with it. his words quite suggestive. again, i don't think we have an unambiguous "TLJ raped SQQ" here; i'm not sure if, on the watsonian level, I think that he did? but certainly we have strong implications and threat of sexual abuse. which, again, we are getting a LOT of. right in a row.

qiu jianluo & shen jiu

okay, i said i'd come back to them, right? it is...never stated that shen jiu was sexually abused. i have read and enjoyed interpretations where he isn't, even. but he was, very much, a slave--someone who has to do whatever their master tells them or get punished. someone who is not allowed to say no. the history of slavery, especially when you look at people who were slaves to families instead of companies/factories, is very obviously full of sexual abuse. one of the word choices i'm not sure if i'm reading too much into is that it refers to the slavers as "human traffickers"--which is a phrase that can be and is used for a lot of nonsexual slavery (construction and agriculture have huge human trafficking problems) but in english it does also have very sexualized connotations such that the first thing most people think of wrt human trafficking is specifically sex trafficking (and the implementation of "trafficking" as a word is very racialized, and the combination of these is such that I generally prefer avoiding it altogether and using "slavery", but that's a tangent). and shen jiu, who is a slave being abused by his master...kills all the men of the qiu household, is afraid of men, and only feels safe around women. his master tries to marry him off when he's fourteen and this is one of the inciting incidents of him snapping and killing everyone! can you read this as "he was, as we see onscreen, being physically abused by qiu jianluo, a man, who didn't physically hurt him when he was around qiu haitang, a girl"? sure, i guess. it's not definitive. but....again, they tried to marry him off when he was 14 and unable to say no; even if it didn't happen, that is enough for me to say that the threat of shen jiu being forced into sexual relationships is present in the QJL-SJ relationship. much like OPM and LBH, it's...certainly extremely suggestive, even if it's not onscreened, especially when paired with the novel's overall themes. i'd also like to draw attention to the following quote:

“Gege, he’s so much fun! No wonder you purchased him even though you’ve always hated bringing in outsiders. I rather like him.” Young Master Qiu smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “I too like him very much.” Upon hearing the word “like,” Shen Jiu couldn’t help but shiver.

(there's also something to say about his relationship with how he's iirc somewhat afraid of men even before the Qiu family buys him, and how his position as a slave begging on the street was also a very high-risk one, and about how his relationship with Wu Yanshi is clearly pretty predatory on Wu Yanshi's part + Shen Jiu at that point has no other support system, but that's more speculative; and there's a quote that i think fits better with the point i make in the next part but which provides additional support for shen jiu as having been raped.)

@regicidal-optimism also drew my attention to another very specific word choice that i'm not sure if i'm reading too much into--

Having witnessed the incident in its entirety, Shen Qingqiu was stunned. Such a brutal first time!

and...this is about SJ's first time killing someone. but "a brutal first time" without specifying is...well, it's a very, very specific wording choice, which is (IMO) clearly evocative of the way people discuss sex.

bing-ge

man i have enough to say about bing-ge (mostly wrt svsss's themes of gender) that it could really be its own full post BUT most of that would be a ~tangent. i'm pretty sure "bing-ge is a violent serial rapist" is, like, uncontroversial and i don't need to get textual evidence there, but for exactly that reason i didn't want to fully leave him out of discussion about sexual violence? so instead in this section i mostly want to draw attention to something that @wolffyluna pointed out to me last month, which is a section from book 1:

The girl thought, “Since I’m about to die, I must leave behind some memories to ensure that my life won’t have been in vain. I don’t have many days left, after all, so I won’t suppress my feelings anymore.” Then, using her weak and fragile body, she pushed Luo Binghe down. Luo Binghe put up a brief show of resistance before telling himself “She did it all for my sake. I don’t have the heart to reject her final wish.” He yielded, still half-reluctant, and went along with it…

this is...not framed by Shen Yuan, or presumably by PIDW, as rape. but it is at the very least dubcon, and it's most likely rape. resisting someone who is pushing you down and trying to have sex with you before yielding, "still half-reluctant", is not. good consent. that's sexual coercion and assault at the very least. but because he's a man--the epitome of masculinity, even! the great stallion novel protagonist, bing-ge!--this is framed as him progressing, as him gaining a wife. which is...really, really horrifying, and once again Says Some Things about how Shen Yuan sees gender. i also recommend these posts which were linked to me today by @rooses40stepskincareroutine about bing-ge and sexual violence!

gender

this is another short section but: something i noticed while writing this up is that the primary unambiguous case of sexual abuse (other than, well, bingqiu, but bingqiu is more complicated for other reasons) is that of old palace master and su xiyan; and that, at the end, when a crowd is decrying su xiyan (for, in large part, having been abused by old palace master), misogyny is a major part of it, and (for obvious reasons) his attempt to coerce her into an abortion bc her child is by someone he sees as a romantic rival is ... a very historically female sort of abuse to experience. given how deliberate mxtx is with gender/feminization and its ties to sexual abuse in svsss, and on a less positive note how few female characters she has, i think the choice to make the one "this character was, unambiguously and repeatedly, molested/raped/sexually abused" a woman who is then subject to sexist victim blaming and entitlement to her body is probably a deliberate one.

[matan4il]

Daily update post:

The IDF estimates, maybe based on a baby bottle that was found where hostages are known to have been held, in the basement of the Rantisi hospital in Gaza, that a woman who was kidnapped while pregnant, has given birth in captivity. That makes her child the youngest hostage, at the age of a few days at most.

While our kids and babies are being held hostage in dark basements and tunnels, Israel is offering Gazans medical assistance for their kids. At this link you can listen to a subtitled conversation (the article is in Hebrew, just scroll to the first embedded vid), where an IDF officer is offering the Shifa hospital manager to place at the entrance to the building 37 incubators and 4 respirators for the kids and babies. The officer also vows to the manager to help protect as much as possible the patients, wards and staff in the hospital. During the conversation, the offer is accepted, but the IDF says later it was rejected. As I can't see who would outrank the hospital manager, I'm guessing the "No" came from Hamas.

Rockets continue to be fired into Israel. Today, a rocket barrage at Tel Aviv, at a kids playground, left one person seriously wounded, and two moderately.

Thank you so much to the Israeli Nonnie who sent me this vid. Yes, that is exactly what I was talking about when I mentioned in my update yesterday, this is Hamas attacking Palestinians in order to take over this aid truck and get all of the food for themselves (the relevant footage starts 11 seconds in):

Jeremy Corbyn, the man who could have been the British Prime Minister, and who British Jews called out on antisemitism, was interviewed by Piers Morgan. He was asked 15 (arguably 16) times to answer the question whether Hamas is a terrorist group, but refused to give a reply.

I was listening to this interview with Ella Keinan (it's in Hebrew), an Israeli travel vlogger, who has started posting about the Israeli POV since Oct 8. She didn't say anything I didn't know, but I thought the way she phrased things was powerful, so allow me to translate:

They created a brand called Free Palestine, which is not actually freeing the Palestinians and giving them what they want, but under this brand it's possible to do anything nowadays, it's possible to rape, it's possible to slaughter, it's possible to kidnap, it's possible to abuse, to kill, it's possible to hurt and kill Jews in LA, it's possible to attack them at universities, and you'll still be applauded. Meaning, you'll still be popular. That's how powerful this brand is.

Meanwhile, Israel's foreign diplomacy has officially been shut down due to a lack of budget. A lot of government offices are being shut down, and their budget is being re-directed to help the evacuated, the families of the murdered, the injured, financially supporting people whose businesses have collapsed, compensating those whose homes were destroyed by Palestinian rockets. So when you hear people dismissing regular Israelis' posts as paid propaganda by the Israeli government... what a fucking joke, Israel can't even currently pay professionals in this field, let alone regular people.

This is 19 years old Noa Marziano.

Yesterday, Hamas published a vid of her as a hostage. The Israeli media refused to cooperate with the psychological warfare, no one published it. Today, the IDF was able to confirm that Noa was murdered in captivity.

This is 12 years old Liel Hetzroni.

Her mother Shira, after gaving birth to her and her twin brother, suffered brain damage, and couldn't take care of her kids, so they were raised by their grandparents. Liel's grandfather and brother's bodies were already found. Today, after having been missing for 38 days, Liel's death was also pronounced.

This is 75 years old Vivien Silver.

She was a peace activists. Among other things, she used to volunteer her time driving Gazans to medical treatments in Israel. She was thought to be kidnapped in Gaza, but today her body was identified.

May their memories be a blessing.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[forsinnersandsaintsalike]

War of hearts

Chapter 1: MIA

I just wanna say I don’t much like this maybe it’s because it the first chapter or whatever who cares it’s proofread but not really enjoy!

Also it’s my first time writing for COD and I know some people are much better at writing their accents but I’m so American it’s painful so stick with me here!

Okay and trigger warning I suppose: mentions of drugs, and abuse, mentions of a gun and kidnapping, child abuse and rape.

the task force was in the middle of a briefing Laswell breaking down the facts for them as everyone got a vanilla envelope.

“She’s a 16 year old girl highly trained and she’s escaped”

“Escaped? Escaped from where?”

John spoke up his brows furrowing as he took in the little bit of Information they had of the girl.

“A top secret facility buried deep in Russia, they kidnap young girls and boys train them into killing machines and send them out onto battlefields with our soldiers just to have them killed.”

Gaz looked around the table.

“How’s she only 16 though—“

“She was taken at 10 actually from the states right out of her front yard.”

Ghost flips the folder closed and tossed it to the middle of the table

“Bloody fucking ‘el as if we don’t have enough going on now little brats are being snatched?”

“She’s not a brat anymore, shes dangerous and she’s trained almost as well as you guys be careful.”

“She’s just a girl how hard could it be?”

The team suits up and gets ready to get on a flight to the states it was going to be a long 8 hours.

“Remember lads this isn’t a vacation this is a mission treat it as such, we get in we get this girl and we bring er’ home.”

“What if she doesn’t wanna go?”

“She doesn’t have a choice.”

A few days pass.

“Who’d ave thought that finding one bird would be this hard we haven’t heard or seen anything.”

“Speak for yourself mate I’ve heard about this underground club where the company is exceptionally young, think our girl could be there?”

“Wouldn’t doubt it Kate did say she was only 16 and we haven’t found her yet it might be worth a shot.”

After a 45 minute drive to a part of town that seems all to sketchy they walk down into an alleyway and bang on the door the eye hole slides open and a man with a nasty scar over his face peeks through and then open the door and the file in.

Once inside it looks just like a normal club expect for the fact that only girls younger than 19 are the ones on poles and serving drinks it’s disgusting and quite frankly sad.

“This is beyond fucked up.”

“I know lad but it’s part of the job, let’s look around for our girl yeah?”

They break off and find places to sit they make conversation and eavesdrop on discussions all for it to amount to the owner has some of his specialty girls in the back they cost pretty penny though.

With a nod to the others price heads off to the shiny leather door and the back and knocks on it another eye hole opens

“The fuck do you want?”

“We’re er’ about uh your specialty girls.”

The man smiles it’s sick makes your skin crawl.

“Of course gentlemen,” he opens the door wide for them, “right this way.”

They all file in and sit down on a plush leather couch the girls scattered about the room and each of them takes them in

“Aren’t they beauties? I paid good money for them these are the youngest ones I have…”

John speaks up

“Have you got anybody new…maybe someone you’ve got recently I’d prefer…well we’d prefer someone fresh if you don’t mind.”

The man’s face lights up

“Oh of course of course only the finest! For my new guests and you can call me jimmy by the way.”

He holds out his hand to John and John shakes it with a faux smile.

“Price.”

“Right, I’ll be right back.”

Jimmy steps away and walks further into the back room coming back with a girl her hair was matted and he body covered in dark bruises some lighter and in different stages of healing and on her arms multiple needle marks her veins are definitely shot, the icing on the cake though was the way she seemed completely out of it her eyes glazed over looking off into space the looked so hollow…so empty.

“This is the latest that we have, picked her up a while ago I just saw her walking the streets it’s was late one night and I just knew I had to have her. I had to know what she smelled like, what she tasted like and let me say she didn’t disappoint.”

He pulled her down onto the couch by her arm and into his chest petting the back of her head and cooing at her.

The boys looking at her could tell this is the girl they’d been looking for but she certainly wasn’t the trained girl Laswell had spoken of…

Jimmy got up and walked around the large glass table and sat her down on prices Lap.

“She’s good right? You like her, all of you?”

Price looked into her face and a just for a moment sympathy and pain was etched into his face and his eyes told everything he couldn’t say in that moment ‘I’m sorry this is happening to you’

Price turned his head back to Jimmy

“She’s perfect…”

“Great! Now it’s 10 an hour!”

Soap looked almost surprised.

“Dollars?”

Jimmy spoke up with a joker like grin.

“No mohawk man, grand!”

John spoke up again before anybody could make a fool out of themselves.

“That’s fine we’ll take er…”

“Yes, she’s new hasn’t been with anybody but me yet she’s still fresh now if you’d like I could bring you another girl that would drop you down to about 5 grand an hour.”

Jimmy spoke as if they were conducting to most regular business transaction in the world he spoke as if he didn’t just bring out a 17 year old girl to four grown men knowing that if these weren’t good men she’d probably be getting fucked and all other manner of things.

“I don’t think so mate.”

“Mate? Well aren’t you funny sounding, where’d you say you’re from again you don’t sound American…”

“We didn’t say…”

“Right of course…”

Jimmy looked as if he’d just seen a ghost and deep down it’s almost as if he knew he was caught and it was only a matter of time—-

Jimmy hopped up flipping the table towards them and making a run for the leather door they had just come in soap being the closest hopped up after him tackling him to the ground they got what they came for na snow it was time to call it in and get authorities and ambulance here to help the girls.

While gaz and Simon did crowd control of the rest of the club ensuring nobody got away so they would be able the face what they’re down the way they deserve John sat with the girl in his lap he’d wrapped her up in a blanket and he held her.

“You know lovie we don’t even know your name…you didn’t have one on file it was almost as if you’d been completely erased from existence…even when we looked back to when you were taken and reported missing, nothing. It’s almost as if someone wanted to hide you away from the world forever.”

Simon tapped on the door

“Ey’ cap the coppers and medics are here, let’s get her situated yeah?”

Price looked back down at her and sighed

“Yeah.”

About a week passed and finally she’d woken up came out her drugged state and she was clear now the boys didn’t know what that would mean for them but for now all anyone else was worried about was the fact that she wouldn’t eat or drink anything she’s just lay there…

“I really am worried about her gentlemen, she hasn’t spoken a word or eaten a thing she’s losing what little weight she had and she keeps muttering something I can’t understand. I don’t know what’s going on or what was happening to all those girls in there but if this keeps up we’ll have to sedate her and push a tube down her throat to make sure she doesn’t die.”

Well that wasn’t fucking good.

“We’ll see about er’ ma’am thanks for the report.”

“Sure thing.”

The nurse walks back behind her station and the boys face her hospital room and walk in there’s one of the standing table trays over her legs a plate of food on top completely untouched and she eyed them when they walked In like predator does prey once they’ve decided you’re who they want for dinner.

“Hey there…heard you weren’t eating a thing lovie…why’s that?”

Silence.

John just smiled at her and tried again.

“I know it’s shit bird but you’ve got to eat somethin it’s not healthy for you to starve like this, we need you healthy so we can take you back—“

Before he could even finish she up holding her fork to his eye trying To push in further down she’s is pretty strong but without eating for days price easily overpowered her pinning her down to the bed and she lost it. Screaming. Yelling. Kicking and scratching. The nurses rushed in and sedated her and slowly she calmed down her hands gripping onto John shirt before she fell unconscious.

It was hours later when she had woken up and her room was empty she sat up and threw the covers off of her sitting for a moment to gather herself before pushing off the bed and walking over to her window there was a single nurse behind the station and the men seem to have gone.

She quickly slipped out of her room and down a hall but before she could turn a corner soap and gas were standing in front of the vending machine staring at her and she right back at them. Nothing was said she just bolted and had and soap were hot on her tail yelling after her, she cut corners and pushed people down and out of the way to put distance between them and finally she caught a break and slipped under a sheet what was on a gurney after a moment or two she heard them run past but she kept still after a moment or two the gurney started to move and when it finally stopped she was in the basement morgue the room was empty safe for a few black body bags.

She got up off the gurney and started looking around for anything she could use to help her get out of there after a bit of searching she found a clear bag with a name on it something she couldn’t quite understand and inside was a gray hoodie and back jeans and a dirty pair of sneakers a wallet, a bus card and a photo of people she didn’t know must be the family of the deceased.

The hoodie had blood splatters and the so did the sneakers but clothes were clothes and this isn’t fashion week. She found a rag and wet it scrubbing the blood off best she could as to not stand out she didn’t need anyone stopping her asking if she was okay she just needed to get away from the hospital but first she needed a weapon.

She used the stairs to get back on the patient floor looking for anything when she was passing a room she overheard a doctor talking about a patient needing sedation in a nearby room and telling a nurse to get everything ready she watched the nurse ready the tray and take it into room setting it down before she left again to go get gloves with quick precision she slipped into the room grabbing the syringe and getting out after roaming the halls for a bit longer she found exactly what she was looking for. Security and because this is America of course he had a gun.

She backed into a room finding a medical waste bin and sticking her hand in to cover it in blood making sure to not wet her sleeve before pulling it back down and walking out she started up the the harsh hospital lights until her eyes started to burn and water then she walked over to the guard.

“Sir could you help me please my friend she’s a patient here and she passed out in the bathroom I think she hit her head she’s bleeding!”

She pulled him into the nearby women’s bathroom and once he rushed down to the other end with his back turned she stabbed the syringe into his neck pushing all the milky liquid into him before snatching it back out and watching him fall helplessly to the ground once his eyes shut she reached his body grabbing his gun and slipping it into the back of her pants before grabbing his wallet and taking out over $50 bucks shoving it into her pocket before heading back down to the basement it would be the easiest way to get onto the street without walking back through the entire hospital and risk being caught.

Once she got out, an open exit though the ambulance bay she stepped onto the just New York street finally breathing some fresh air but that didn’t last long before she knew it she heard a familiar British accent her eyes snapped open and there they were running after her, she ran right through the oncoming traffic dodging cars and running the sidewalk till she came across a lone man about to get out of his car she pulled the gun from her pants and pointed it at him.

“Woah! Lady what the fuck!”

“Give me your fucking keys and your wallet right now!”

The man tossed his keys and his wallet her feet and move she picked them up she hit him with the butt of her gun and sped off. Once price and the others finally caught up all they saw was her burning rubber hitting a corner and a man with his forehead split open.

“Clever girl she is…”

“Bloody fucking fast too, I don’t even run like that in PT!”

Gas grunted before hunching over his hands on his knees trying to clam his breathing.

“I guess Laswell was tellin nae lies bout’ the bonnie lass she’s quick.”

“Lots of stamina still for someone who wasn’t eaten in days she must be starving by now.”

“She is, that’s where she’ll head next.”

After some terrible driving and almost killing two civilians she finally parks the stolen car in an alleyway two blocks away from a Waffle House and she gets out she finds another parked car by the side of the road and steals the tag off it and switching them out before heading to eat she was in fact starving so much so it hurt.

Once she got in she seated herself and a waitress brought her a menu. She smiled so sweetly down at her.

“Do you have any idea what you might want?”

“What can fifty bucks buy me?”

“Oh! Well…”

A pile of plates later, and the cook and waitress watching her eat like an animal with her hands she had finished wiping off her face with her sleeve and wiping her hands on her pants and left the bill on the table and walked out, she walked the two blocks back to her stolen car and slid into the back laying down on the seat.

The rain came down hard hitting the roof of the car like pellets it kept her up she couldn’t sleep she just looked out of the window watching the raindrops race and how the city lights shined through as of giver her, her own private show of color.

The solitude though was short lived and she was napped out of her trance by a knock at the window it’s them.

“Alright now lovie that’s enough running for now right? You come with us you won’t have to sleep in a cold car tonight.”

Soap pushed past pulling the door open.

“Ye know for someone whose name we don even know you’ve given us hell since we’ve gotten ye!”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my cousin’s adult child who her real father is? My cousin slept around a lot in high school because she hadn’t started her period yet. She got pregnant with what would’ve been her first period at 16. I knew who she was sleeping with and she confirmed with me and her close family. Fast forward some decades and her child, now an adult with a kid of her own, is desperate to find who the father is to simply get medical records in case something happens to her child. Everyone who knows who the real father is dead except me, my cousin, and the father. After a dna test came up with only distant relatives, my cousin’s kid approached me, knowing I went to school with her mom, and asked. I point blank told her. She’s an adult now and I feel I do not need her mother’s (my cousin’s) permission to tell her the truth. But now my cousin is throwing a fit and saying that he raped her (which in the decades she never mentioned to anyone). She’s saying that I sent her child to see a rapist. Well, in my opinion, if she had been truthful from the start we wouldn’t be in this predicament. But, to her, I’m the asshole for not minding my own business. Should I have lied to my cousin’s kid? I feel like all of us are too old to be doing this.

What are these acronyms?

[atopvisenyashill]

any thoughts about how could it be the dynamic between viserys-naerys- daeron ii in fire & blood 2?

okay so straight up the dynamic i’m MOST interested in learning about in f&b2 is the viserys-naerys-daeron ii dynamic. first of all, those first two are just UNGODLY DISTURBINGLY YOUNG when they have children. viserys has naerys, his YOUNGEST child when he is sixteen. naerys has daeron when she is fifteen. viserys is a grandfather before he is 32 years old. it is truly babies raising babies out here!! i mean fuck, daeron has baelor under significantly less traumatic circumstances but he’s still only 17 by the time he starts having kids! that’s all just wildly interesting and disturbing to me. like, that alone, how close in age they all are because they all married & started having kids at crazy young ages, explains so much about why this period has always felt particularly deranged to me (“this period” being post dance where we get this incredible string of deranged freaks from aegon iii to aegon iv that ebbs into this vaguely “we’re having a targ renaissance yay” era that erupts into civil war anyways! i LOVE this conceptually i’m so ready to be annoyed when f&b2 comes out and i’ve hyped this all up for some more dumb sex stories from another court fool ajsjs).

but then secondly, okay, when you look at the timeline- daeron is born in 153 and the birth nearly kills naerys 15/16 year old naerys. aegon iii is still king for four more years. that last year, aegon iv spends his time (and the next two years after that) shacked up with megette. then aegon spends a few years shacked up/probably raping casella vaith the hostage, before running off to war. then he spends more time raping naerys, wherein she has a miscarriage, and aegon is sent away so he doesn’t rape her to death. daeron marries myriah, has a child with her. but before that child is two, in quick succession, his father comes back home & immediately starts raping his mother again, his mother nearly dies having twins & now he has a sister younger than his son, and daena unveils her new bastard who everyone thinks is aegon’s, and baelor is so distraught by all this he fasts himself to death. viserys is king, and likely dead before daeron’s second son is born and before daeron turns twenty. suddenly the person responsible for making sure aegon doesn’t rape naerys to death are daeron & aemon, who have NO authority over aegon. this man has the audacity to stay alive for twelve more years.

that shit is insane. daeron’s father is only around when he’s raping his mom. the closest things daeron has to a father figure are his uncle who wants to fuck his mom, his grandfather who is probably busy constantly (and also only in his thirties 😭), and his batshit insane cousin baelor. his childhood is marked by almost constant instability until it stabilizes for the worse when his cousins all get locked in the maidenvault, then gets thrown into upheaval once again as baelor & viserys die and now his dad who is only around when he’s raping his mom is suddenly back in town and has total control.

and naerys. she’s like if aemma lived long enough to parent her kids, but worse bc you could argue there was fondness of a sort between aemma & viserys. aegon and naerys hate each other. she is constantly pregnant and on death’s door from the age of fifteen (three years older than her father!) until the day she dies, in her early 40s. it sounds like worse than hell to me. it is a lifetime where the only source of comfort you have is the son you birthed at fifteen, because maybe your life is a nightmare but if you raise him to be marginally less evil, he won’t destroy the innocent little girl you know is going to be sent to court to be his wife. everyone else is actively holding you hostage and applauding you for taking the abuse so well. your whole life is screaming for help and all you get is tears telling you you’re so dutiful and brave.

and viserys just. watches it all happen. of course he does! his kids are simply ungrateful! he had to get married at twelve and his wife wasn’t born in westeros so they had nothing in common and at least they have a living father, they have no idea how lucky they are. why should daeron and naerys blame him when he gave them everything because he had nothing? it’s a shame it wasn’t naerys that offed this man. i do think she was his favorite kid tho and i bet he’s not subtle about it at all.

[mykidneysbuddy]

Y'ALL STOP WHY DO I KEEP SEEING VARIAN X CASS SHIP POSTS??

GET HELP!! PLEASE!! ☺️ HES A LITERAL CHILD AND SHE IS A GROWN WOMAN. THIS IS DISGUSTING.

him having a crush on her in the show is NOT an excuse to ship them.

i dunno if you noticed but kids sometimes have crushes on adults. you can't tell me you've never met someone who had a crush on their teacher. sometimes it happens. im betting most of you (minors) reading this have an adult celebrity crush (probably multiple). it's NORMAL. kids are kids, they don't know better. but im sure most if not all of you (minors) reading this would never date them if you got the chance because IT IS ILLEGAL AND DISGUSTING.

varian was like, what, 14 when the show started? and 16 when it ended?? even if im wrong about that i know for a fact he's a teenager the entire show. and guess what. cass is an adult the entire show. she doesn't indulge varian during his crush phase, she doesnt encourage it, she doesnt completely crush his crush yk but she doesnt participate in it. she does the right thing LIKE ALL OF YOU SHOULD BE DOING. NO!!

"aging varian up?" STILL WEIRD

"but it was a medieval time where pedophilia was normal!!" DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE IN THE MEDIEVAL TIME TO YOU?

"shes a girl so its not pedophilia 😒" im sorry WHAT?

"its an au!!" GO TO THE MENTAL HOSPITAL

"i don't ship it but i support people who do!!" STOP, CALL THEM OUT, IT'S WEIRD

"they're fictional characters, who cares???" girl.. that's the weakest excuse I've ever heard you freaking weirdo..

"most of the disney princesses are minors!! that makes it okay!!" uh IN THE ORIGINAL STORIES? THAT WEREN'T WRITTEN BY DISNEY?? in the original story of SLEEPING BEAUTY, she isnt kissed and woken up. SHE IS RAPED. DO YOU CONDONE THAT TOO?? BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO A "DISNEY PRINCESS"?

im sorry yall for getting angry, i hate to see my boy varian done dirty like this 😔

(that doesn't make it okay for Cassandra, he's just my favorite character so I'm singling him out. LEAVE HIM ALONE!!)

[psycheetamore]

Choosing to follow destiny

Chapter 1: Introducing Yaina, formerly known as Kalayn

Summary of the entire fic: PoV Feyd-Rautha: our lord has been enraptured by the fearless Fremen leader Yaina while fighting on Arrakis. After she decided not to kill him, he has managed to capture her as he decided to make her his. After some initial struggles on both sides (as he understands she will never truly become his if he forces her), she is starting to be more comfortable in his presence, and is rising in Giedi Prime ranks. He is set on unlocking parts of her she did not know existed, and showing her everything (... this is as suggestive as you can interpret it - heavy smut) his planet has to offer.

PoV lead lady: Yaina has chosen to pick up arms against the Harkonnen to liberate Arrakis. As she catches the eye of Paul Atreides and Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen, she needs to find her own path and gain control, to achieve what she beliefs is her goal. The question is whether her being drawn to the na-Baron (with some convincing of our darling Feyd of course) will advance her or withhold her.

Pre notes with this chapter: Let's start with a bit of background, let's set the scene for a few of the main players and the dynamics in which they live. Bear with me; Feyd-Rautha deserves a grand entrance. First published on AO3

Tags for the entire fanfic: MDNI, the works, as Feyd-Rautha is his own trigger warning, the typical Feyd tags (smut, violence, non-con/rape etc), imaginary suicide - smut in different shapes and forms (pretty much all shapes and forms tbh; I could not help myself, so after some edging/power play/taunting/hunting in chapters 7, 8, 9, 10, 12 and 15, some prophetic smut in chapters 13 and 14, our lord finally gets what he wants - and then some - in chapters 15, 16, 17, 18, 19), violence (like really really graphic - I enjoyed myself just a bit too much writing chapter 20, so I am getting worried), non-con/rape (chapter 23 - we are dealing with a very hot but still psychotic man here) - the author regrets nothing

Word count: 1.6k

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There is an ongoing battle for Arrakis.

Yaina was squatting in a cave, surrounded by her squad, preparing for the launch of yet another strike on one of the Harkonnen spice harvesters. Yaina looked at the dozen or so men and women surrounding her while she laid out the plan. She could not help but notice that the clashes over the last few days had them grow tired.

Yaina asked: “do you feel comfortable going out in a few hours? I cannot have you die on me.”

One of her fighters, who goes by the name Bakyi, declared “Yaina, we are yours to command, in life and death. We will deliver whatever you ask from us. Don't worry about us. We know what we are fighting for.” And on that declaration the other warriors slapped the palms of their hands on their chests, resulting in a loud sound that went around in the cave to support the message.

Yaina responded: “I know I ask a lot from you. Your efforts are what will set us free.” And on that comment, she stood up and instructed the fighters to make themselves ready for the clash.

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Yaina did not know how old she exactly was. She did not know where she was born, who her parents were, what name they gave her. Her earliest memories dated from when she was still living in an orphanage ran by Harkonnen in the capital city of Arrakis, Arrakeen. As all the children in the orphanage, Yaina, or Kalayn as she was then called (which meant ‘little’), dreamt that she was the long-lost child of the emperor and the first empresses from the Great House of Ginaz. She would often hope that she would be rescued by her true parents or any case the still living emperor Shaddam Corrino IV. This could happen at any time. He would then have her returned to her rightful house in Kaitain where she would live in luxury forever and after.

But as with many dreams, this dream did not come out.

It was rumoured in the orphanage that once children hit a certain age, boys 12 years old and girls 10 years old, they would be sent off to Giedi Prime to work as slaves. Children would repeat the speculations they overheard from their minders: boys would end up working a few years in quarries until there was nothing left but to be sacrificed as game for entertainment in the arena or as practice targets. Girls would perhaps live longer, as domestic staff or forced in pleasure houses, but not happier. The children held these speculations to be true, if only because no children that reached such ages lived in the orphanage.

When she started to notice she was almost the tallest girl in the orphanage, Yaina knew her time was up. She needed to decide: would she take control over her life and make a run for it, or continue to have other people make decisions for her.

This was not a difficult decision. She chose to escape the orphanage during a stormy night. Yaina knew her minders would not find her missing for a couple of hours, and even if they did, they would not tread outside of building in the unforgiving conditions presented by this sand storm. That allowed her at least until the coming night, when the temperatures dropped again, to flee into Fremen territory.

Yaina, or Kalayn as she was then still called, did not bring anything with her when she fled one night, apart from a golden ring – her only and invaluable connection to her past, some food and water she managed to gather over the last few weeks, a worn stillsuit and some boys’ clothes. She decided it would be safest to travel disguised as a boy, so she chopped her hair. None of her friends were informed on her upcoming escape. She knew they would be interrogated. The Harkonnen had ways to force the truth out of anyone. This would only result in grave punishment for them and the risk that Yaina would be captured again. It was best to keep them in the unknown and cut the ties without goodbyes.

For two nights and a day the young girl travelled through worm territory. Despite the harsh conditions and lacking true dessert survival skills, she knew she did not have any other option than to persevere. It was that, or death. She would never lose her freedom again. Her resoluteness made her succeed.

Fremen found her, still a tiny little thing. They saw the determination in her eyes. They decided to take her on board.

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While Yaina was preparing herself for the upcoming strike, she looked at herself in the shiny reflection of her sword. She recalled that once she presented herself as a boy to the Fremen, about eight years ago, she never looked back and never corrected that white lie. Yaina saw how depreciatingly the Harkonnen treated women on Arrakis. She did not want to risk the same treatment in any other community. By the time she learned that men and women within the Fremen community were treated quite equally, she feared it was already too late to tell the truth. She did not want to be ousted, so she continued to live with her new identity. Following her dedication to the cause of the Fremen, she earned the name Yaina.

Over the years she did not manage to gain much more knowledge about her background, other than what came to her through dreams. In her dreams she saw lush greenery, beautiful architecture and four moons. Yaina never knew for certain whether these dreams held truths or not, but she chose to believe the dreams. Together with her ring, it was the only thing she could cling on to.

Fortunately, Yaina had an androgynous appearance. It was clear that Fremen blood did not run through her veins, although she was fully submerged and accepted within the Fremen. Her features allowed her to be well adapted to the harsh climate of Arrakis, but were clearly driven for adoption in colder climates. Her cheekbones were high and sharp, her nose was small, and her eyes were black while surrounded by bright blue from years of limited exposure to spice. Her curved eyes were almond shaped, complementing her jaw that was chiselled. Her hair was raven black and very slightly curled if kept loose.

However, she tended to braid her long hair, as what the other undefeated Fremen warriors did. The sun in Arrakis has kissed her skin golden, on which expressive lips rested. Despite all the fights she encountered, the scarring on her face was minimal. However, grooves that would not even leave her face during her sleep were proof of years of hardship.

Yaina was never questioned on why she did not have facial hair, even during weeks of hunting and fighting. Everybody knew that her dedication was to her battles: the masks of stillsuits had a slightly better fitting on clean shaven faces and her blade was always sharp enough. Her body was lean in a muscular way from years of fighting and deprivation, so any curves she had could be hidden in a stillsuit.

She was slightly shorter than most Fremen men, which was contributed to the hardships she endured under Harkonnen rule. If anything, this underlined her reputation.

All other tell-tails of being female could be hidden.

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The na-Baron Glossu Rabban had been given the rulership over Arrakis several years ago, after the house of Atreides was extinguished. His uncle, the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, tasked him with maintaining spice production. Initially, Rabban managed to improve the original production. This was not difficult.

The Atreides were only responsible for the planet for a short period of time. The Baron made sure of that. He removed all good materials and experienced workers, and left the Atreides to fend for themselves to create good production values. Under the ever-increasing pressure of the emperor to improve production, the Harkonnen came in, covertly supported by the emperor's private Sardaukar army. The Great House of Atreides was banished to live on in history books.

As gift for the steps taken by the Harkonnen, the emperor gave the Harkonnen their fief over Arrakis back.

The Baron decided to place Rabban in charge. A man in appearance and attitude a brute. There was nothing refined to him. His large head was bold, as were his brows, with grooves running across the back of his head. However large his head was, it seemed small compared to the size of his body. His shoulders were broad, his arms and legs rivalled the size of tree trunks and hands large enough to cover a grown man's head. He was a long man with dark brown eyes. The parts of his skin exposed to the star lighting Arrakis radiated redness.

Arrakis caused him to sweat continuously. Despite this, he wore his black armour continuously. He was always suspicious for attacks as he did not trust anyone; the result of the harsh upbringing he received from the Baron. He was known to have slaughtered his first wife, even before she could conceive, earning him the name the Beast. The reason still being unknown, but rumoured to be caused by his paranoic fear that she was planning to flee from him. He did not wed since. It was said he would frequent his slave quarters regularly, leaving a trail of despair.

The Baron returned the working materials and experienced workers to Arrakis. Before long Rabban could boast that he himself increased the spice production to pre-Atreides levels, and believed himself to be the saviour of the empire and the Harkonnen name.

The Baron knew this would never last.

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Link to next chapter

Post notes with this entire fanfic: Yes, Austin Butler as Feyd-Rautha, combined with this amazing online community, are to blame for this. You came into my head, found a comfy spot and are still to leave. I love you guys.

Since beginning of March, when I saw Dune 2 for the first time, I have been obsessed and you have catered to that obsession. You have also helped me through some challenging times – I love this community. I now want to present you with another take on Feyd-Rautha, inspired especially by an (amazing yet unfortunately deleted) fanfic presenting the lady Moroi as tantalising counter part of our darling Feyd (‘What need have we for honor’) and what is perhaps the best K-Drama of all times Empress Ki. You caused me to pick up fanfic since I stopped (read: paused) about ages ago (when I used to share a floppy disk with my co-fanfic authors aka friends). You caused me to acknowledge my love for moody enemy bastards turned (still moody) lovers, now to be expressed through my own fanfic.

As mentioned, I may be (am) a bit rusty. I am not working with a beta reader, as I am at an age where I have learned to ditch perfectionism (important cause of never feeling happy & procrastination), know about the two-cake rule and am a firm supporter of the 80/20 rule. Having said that: I would love to receive your feedback and points where you would like to me diverge, expand or downsize. I am still working on the upcoming chapters, so there is flexibility.