#but i procrastinated too long and overwhelmed myself

[hplonesomeart]

Took a schoolwork break so I could get back into sketchbook doodling! Trying to keep the momentum going so I can finish the whole thing before the year ends. So here ya go feast upon some Puzzle propaganda /j

Is this page cursed? I like to think it is :))

Also here’s a digital collage of various notebook doodles from classes wow super neat (you can tell most were from October)

[star-girl69]

Because Of You

Clarisse La Rue x Fem!AphroditeCabin!Reader

—-

synopsis: years after your rite of passage, the boy who’s heart you broke just won’t leave you alone. clarisse, your girlfriend, quickly decides she’s not a fan.

a/n: should i stop procrastinating and then forcing myself to write shitty fics quickly? probably. but not today!! this is kinda just like an au of dont delete the kisses but… you guessed it… IDC!!!!!!!! from this ask

thank you all so much for patiently waiting i love y’all soooooo muuccchhhhhh 🫶🫶💋 as i mentioned on my acc i have the next week off from school, pls expect more content then!!

Because Of You - Lana Del Rey (Unreleased)

warnings: NOT PROOFREAD, this sucks so bad y’all sorry lolllll, y/n is a year round camper!, starts out very background heavy but i really don’t care 😭, creepy men UGH, ugly bitches not being able to let shit go, im gonna say sexual harassment just incase, swearing, usual demigod stuff y’all know what you’re getting into, jealous!clarisse YESSS, possessive!clarisse ik i screamed!!, protective!clarisse too, slightly graphic makeout scene, i think that’s all, tell me if i missed anything!!

—-

When you were young, you were thrilled by the thought of love.

The idea of belonging not only with someone- bodies fitting together like puzzles pieces- but belonging to someone- wrapping around you like a warm blanket.

Later, your half-siblings would describe mostly similar experiences to yours- an overwhelming desire to be loved, wanted, needed. Ever since you ran into camp with a monster hot on your heels and satyr shouting encouragement next to you- everyone’s stared at you. They poke and prod, they act like they’ve never seen a daughter of Aphrodite before.

It’s annoying, but it makes you feel good- but not quite.

Until Alek came along.

You were both 13, you still believed in soulmates, and you wanted nothing more than to be with each other for the rest of your lives.

You were 13, and he felt like the only one for you.

And when you had to break up with him to fulfill your rite of passage- it felt like the world was ending. You cried for days and begged your sister Phoebe to say it wasn’t a true, it was just a mean, mean prank.

But she couldn’t tell you that, and there were more types of love that romantic.

While you longed to hold someone, to be held- you also craved your mother’s approval like you were starving. You wanted her love, you wanted her to visit you in your dreams, you wanted gifts from her, you wanted everything and anything she could give you.

So, it hurt like you had never known hurt before, but you did it. Alek seemed entirely indifferent to it, almost ignoring you and pretending you hadn’t said it- but you felt a warmness around you, a dove flew between trees, you knew your mother was there and she approved.

Breaking up with Alek felt like the sun had exploded on top of you.

Being with Clarisse felt like the sun was wrapped around you.

—-

After Alek’s initial denial, he went through all the other stages of grief, mourned your relationship like you did, and you came out on the other side with a one-sided agreement to forget it ever happened.

Alek got stuck. Or went back. He started to believe that you were still meant to be, that much you could tell.

Until that day at the training fields when your hand slipped at archery and you almost shot Clarisse in the head- and she had glared at you so harshly while you ran over and examined her head, gushing out apologies and fretting over her.

She pushed you away, hand lingering for a second, eyes softening before she quickly looked away.

“Just… be more careful,” she had said, almost like a question, like she wasn’t sure the words were coming out of her mouth.

And, Gods, were you terrified it was all some secret plan. Make you think it was alright only to corner you in the woods and probably kill you, or something.

And when she asked the next day to teach you how to shoot a bow, you agreed with tears in your eyes, knowing of her reputation, and it took a lot of trust and a lot of swapped secrets for her to prove to you it wasn’t all some elaborate plan.

But even if her plan was to kill you the entire time, you fell in love over her fixing your stance, hands brushing as you accidentally grabbed the same arrow, stolen looks across the pavilion.

It wasn’t until a random kid bumped into you, making you fall and twist your ankle. Clarisse had this look in her eyes that was so genuine, so full of love and care for you, softly caressing your leg after she had punched the other kid in the face.

And you realize as she said you were doing great, limping while she helped you to the infirmary, that this was something.

And as much as you hated the violence being committed over you, it was the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, and the warmth in your chest was all you had ever wanted. This was what it was like to belong with someone, to someone, with her, to her.

This was what it was like to be admired. Loved. Wanted. Needed.

And when she softly told you goodbye, you had kissed the corner of her lips and thanked her- turning to walk into your cabin, ankle already feeling better thanks to the ambrosia.

She grabbed you by the wrist and turned you around, pulling you against her tightly and kissing you so harshly like she had just found the secret to the world in her lips on yours, her hands on your hips.

And when she finally pulled away, embarrassing strings of spit connecting your lips, she said she was sorry. Probably the first time she had ever said that to someone, and you smiled.

“Sorry. It’s just… once your lips were on mine, I don’t think I can ever stop. I don’t wanna stop.”

And she kissed you again and it was all you ever wanted out of this life- to love and be loved, to hold and to be held, and it was all because of her.

—-

The welcome back campfire is your favorite time of year.

It’s when the camp comes alive, when the Gods themselves seem to return to this place- even Mr. D is a bit more lively with all the pure infectious energy running through the first few days of camp. Everyone’s getting settled, classes haven’t started quite yet, and the year round campers get a much needed break.

As much as you and Clarisse wanted to keep things private, when she punches someone in the middle of the pavilion for accidentally bumping into you, it’s not hard to figure out Clarisse cares for you more than she does anyone else.

And after one of your younger siblings, Cara, a 12-year-old notorious for staying up late, saw you and Clarisse kissing that first night- it spread like wildfire.

But it was the winter, so it still felt secret, until summer rolled around and Clarisse kept getting more and more annoyed by every camper who entered the gates. She would grab at you in the middle of meals, drag you into her bed, even kiss you in public- do all these things that seemed so out of character for her, but she was a different person when she was with you.

Everyone had been looking at you oddly all night, shocked, confused, even Clarisse has cracked a genuine smile at someone who dropped their drink- squeezing your hand.

Maybe they had all heard the rumors. Maybe they didn’t believe them.

But it’s all cleared up when Clarisse leads you to the best seat, the log not too far from the fire but not too close, wrapping her arms around you and kissing your temple.

Your cheeks heat up, only because Clarisse is never this touchy in public, and never around this many people before.

All of the eyes on you feel weird- they feel so judging.

And you’re not used to that, however vain it may be.

“Everyone’s staring at us,” you mumble, shuffling closer to Clarisse so your legs are pressed together.

She leans her head against your shoulder. “‘S okay. Don’t worry about ‘em, baby.”

You huff. “Did no one ever teach them it’s rude to stare, though? Like… c’mon.”

She sighs dramatically, lifting her head from your shoulder.

“Stop fuckin’ staring,” she says. Not quiet shouting, but her voice is loud and forceful. Her voice carries weight.

And eventually, at the risk of Clarisse’s wrath, all the wandering eyes stop.

A few of Clarisse’s siblings laugh from around you, commenting that the stares were getting a bit ridiculous, everyone just grateful that you all might get a little reprieve from the overwhelming stares and whispers.

But, you still feel uneasy. Clarisse kisses your shoulder.

And while you look around at the faces very pointedly not staring at you, there’s one person who still is. You roll your eyes, open your mouth to comment on it- but your mouth quickly snaps close at the sight of Alek.

—-

You don’t mention it to Clarisse. Maybe because breaking his heart haunts you, maybe what could have been haunts you.

You try not to think of Alek or that night, you try not to think of the entire age of 13. You always knew that Alek never quite let you go. He still sort of believed that the two of you would come back together- subscribing to some abstract belief soulmates.

You don’t think about Alek. Everything you do is because of her, because of Clarisse.

Sometimes, knowing you have secret admirers makes you feel all happy, but now that Clarisse sneaks you into her cabin every night- it makes you feel weird. You really don’t want anyone except for Clarisse, the idea of even being near someone else kinda disgusts you.

But, you choose to believe that maybe he was just shocked, and he’ll get over it in a few days.

You spend your days in the summer sun with Clarisse, holding her hand on walks through the strawberry fields, still using your archery lessons to spend time together, staring at each other from across the pavilion at meals, dreaming about a future together when it gets dark and you’re forced to whisper softly.

Alek is just always lurking. Is it coincidence? Is he stalking you? Every time you’re with Clarisse, trying to enjoy a nice date, he’s there- staring at you like a lovesick puppy.

And if it wasn’t because of her, you would probably be flattered. But you have Clarisse, you’ve moved on, you’re in love and happy.

It’s the late afternoon, you’re trying to enjoy a long moment with her, breathe in the sweet smell and just feel how happy you are, know it’s because of her.

The fields are still crowded with kids who pushed off their chores until the end of the day, so you and Clarisse stay on the outskirts. Not too far into the woods that’s filled with satyrs and nymphs who have grown very hostile towards any two campers who make their way into the woods. But not too close.

You don’t even register that other people are there. You’re going on about your annoying half-brother, she’s pretending to listen intently- but it’s just enough to be here with her, and at least she’s listening to the sound of your voice. At least that brings her some comfort, and that makes you feel good.

“And then, he said-” you trail off, feeling like something’s crawling all over you, practically being able to feel the anger in the air.

“Hm, what?” Clarisse asks, snapping out of her reverie at your silence.

Alek is glaring at you, of course. It just feels so juvenile. You had received letters from him for years- ones that he didn’t sign- but you knew. He said that the two of you had so much more to give together, that a second chance was all he needed to make you forget about the rite of passage, about pleasing your mother.

Clarisse squeezes your hand, leaning closer to you.

You used to like the feeling of getting those letters, of knowing you were loved and wanted. But now, with Clarisse, because of her- it feels wrong.

She follows your eye line and Alek quickly looks away, back down at the strawberries he’s supposed to be picking.

Clarisse’s hand tightens around yours.

“Who the hell is that?” she huffs.

You suck in a breath. “Alek.”

“Al-huh?”

You smile, despite how uneasy you feel.

“Alek, Clarisse. From my rite of passage?”

“Oh,” she nods, nose scrunching ever so slightly. “The one who left you those creepy letters? Has he left anymore?”

“No, no,” you say, risking one more glance at his back- just to assure yourself. Maybe you’re just making it all up. “Not since last summer. I mean, he was staring at us the night of the bonfire too, he’s always around on all our dates- it’s just creepy, at this point.”

“Sounds like the fucker has a death wish,” she drawls. “I’d be happy to help him with it.”

You bump her shoulder with yours. “Yeah, yeah Miss Violence.”

She smiles back, but she searches her eyes and you can tell she doesn’t like what she sees.

“Hey, c’mon. I’ll kill him if he pulls some shit again.”

“Clarisse.”

“Beat him up?”

“Clarisse.”

“Physically threaten him?”

“Clar-”

She smacks her hand over your mouth. “Shhh,” she smiles. “Don’t stress. I’ll take care of it.”

“Clarisse!” you shout, laughing, but her hand is still pressed tight over your moth.

“Oh, sorry, baby, I can’t hear you!”

“Bitch,” you hiss, and she frowns.

“Mean.”

—-

Clarisse, unfortunately, is true to her word.

Alek finally leaves you a note. It’s simple, unsigned, but obviously him. You recognize his chicken scratch scrawl.

All it says is:

I miss you, we could be something

She writes him a note back, a long one- first talking about all of her accomplishments as a daughter of Ares, then detailing all the ways she’ll make him regret thinking about you.

She tells you now, whispers in her bed, she laughs and your mouth hangs open.

“Clarisse!” you gasp, scolding her with a soft hit to her shoulder.

She rolls her eyes and moves closer to you.

“What else was I supposed to do? Ignore it? You don’t know me if you think I could just ignore some random dude flirting with my girlfriend. He’s a fuckin’ weirdo, and hopefully that note will teach him somethin’.”

“I mean. I doubt it will,” you mumble after a moment.

She smiles, your heart squeezes- because her smile is so beautiful- and because Clarisse never smiles like this. It’s bloodthirsty. It’s almost inhuman. It’s Godly.

“Then I’ll have to teach him in… other terms.”

—-

Dinner this evening is slow and relaxed. It’s Friday, so you’ve all made it to the end of the first official week of camp. Chiron let’s the rules fade away tonight, cabin tables have been abandoned and everyone sits where they want.

A few Hermes kids volunteered to start a fire, Mr D is busy trying to get the new kids to sneak him some alcohol- but he’s hard pressed to find ones who haven’t already been warned not to.

The energy in the air is infectious. The promise of a late wake up tomorrow, a fun night, the feeling of the moon and the fire, warmth on your skin- it’s a recipe for lowered inhibitions, for everything to come a little easier.

Clarisse sits next to you a table in the pavilion. You’re surrounded by Silena and Beckendorf, a few Hermes kids, a few Ares kids- a big mosh of random campers squeezed together at this one table- but it works, for whatever reason.

There’s nothing like laughing at someone’s shitty joke and feeling Clarisse laugh with you, pressed close to her so you can feel her chest rumble, feel her arm squeeze around you.

“He did what?!” Silena screeches, looking at you with wide eyes.

You laugh at her shock, at the audacity of Alek.

She sneaks a quick glance at Clarisse, who seems entirely engrossed in her siblings’ arm wresting tournament at the next table over.

“Yeah,” you sigh, feeling sort of complacent with it now. It’s not like anything will change. You’re here because of her, because of Clarisse. Everything you do is because of her.

Breathing, eating, sleeping. Basic human functions and the need to survive has only strengthened with the motivation of staying alive for her.

“Anyways,” you smile. “Clarisse left him back this big, long note. All about how she’s the strongest girl at camp,” you roll your eyes, but you’re smiling too big to be anything but joking. Besides, everyone knows she’s probably right. “And then threatened him a whole bunch. So, hopefully, he’ll just get his head out of his ass and then everything will be good again.”

You breathe out at the end of your small rant, and Silena smiles sympathetically.

“Hopefully,” she echoes.

But, because of Clarisse, because of her arms around you, you don’t feel anything but peace.

—-

Of course, life is not straightforward for demigods.

At the end of the day, you’re doomed to fall in your parents footsteps- except there is no immortality for you to fall back on. You’re vain and you’re proud, just like your parents, and you step too far, jump too high, and you’re as left dust on the floor.

Even though the same path had been left out for you to repeat, doomed footsteps to follow in, you step where they stepped and expect a different end.

The night is pitch black, besides for the brilliant stars and the bright, bright moon. It makes everything feel so private and secret. It makes Clarisse relax, makes her hold you closer but looser.

It feels good to feel her arm loose around you. She’s not afraid of you disappearing, because she knows of someone dragged you away you would rise up from the waves and straight back into her, into her arms.

The Apollo kids are playing music, voices hum along, the night is on fire with the crackles and the rising smoke, on fire with the peace, the content.

It feels like nothing can hurt you here.

But you’re a demigod, and life is not that easy.

The seat next to you is abandoned, and you barely even take notice as it’s quickly filled again- but you take notice of the eyes on you, of the body leaning forward to speak softly to you.

The fact that he’s here, the fact that he blatantly didn’t listen- you suppose you could have felt some sympathy for before, craving a life that wasn’t his anymore. Living off of memories made him too hungry.

Your mouth presses into a thin line as you recognize the voice in your ear.

“Y/N, I jus’ wanna talk.”

The rest of the table has fallen silent, and you realize everyone had almost immediately taken notice of his entrance- and you could tell by the way Clarisse’s body was tense against yours- he would regret ever coming over here.

“Clarisse,” you mumble, shifting closer to her.

She hooks her head over her shoulder, shifting completely so she’s straddling the bench, pressed up against your back.

Her tone is genuinely confused.

“Are you, like, okay in the head?”

The table, previously silent with fear, now bubbles with forced laughter.

“It’s not of your business,” Alek says, staring directly into your eyes. You feel like a deer caught in headlights, just completely shocked, too scared to move like it will all become real.

Clarisse puts her hand on your forehead and floats it down across your face, and your eyes voluntarily flutter shut.

“You’re not even worthy of being looked at by her,” and you can hear the smile on her voice. She confidence seeping from her pores- you can feel it all with the way she’s protectively wrapped around you.

“Y/N,” he says again, ignoring her through gritted teeth. “I just want to talk.”

“If you say one more fuckin’ word to my girlfriend I’m gonna kill you.”

There’s no smile on her voice, no edge of a joke. Not even angry. She’s deathly calm. She’s focused, like a 20 pound weight sinking to the bottom of the sea. She cuts through whatever she has to and everything else knows to avoid her.

You don’t know why the hell Alek just can’t let the 13 year old version of you go, why he’s looking something where there’s nothing, and you’re just so done with all of this.

You open your eyes, sitting up, letting Clarisse’s arms fall around you in confusion.

“Alek,” you start, softly. “We dated for a month when we were 13. That’s all it was, that’s all it’s ever gonna be. It’s over, okay?”

“Exactly,” he breathes. “A month when we were 13- and we were that good together? We could do so much more now, I wanna show you.”

“Okay, I’m done,” you mumble, standing up.

And without you in between, Alek finally gets a good look at the daughter of war. She’s pure, streamlined muscle. Every inch of her body has been meticulously trained to kill monsters- Alek knows that killing him would be easy.

Clarisse cracks her knuckles and you almost laugh at how cinematic it is.

—-

You hum as you run the alcohol pad over her split knuckles. Clarisse likes to leave the scars like this, the small ones, let them heal on her own. Even though she winces at the feeling, you know she’ll be walking around, proudly showing off her scabs until they finally fade away. She’ll cross her fingers and hope they scar, probably.

Clarisse watches you with admiration, admiring your movements, your voice, even though you’re really not doing anything special. But, to her, everything you do is special.

“Did you see how bad his face was?” she asks, trying to remain calm, but eagerness slips into her voice.

“I did,” you laugh. “It was real bad, baby. Good job.”

She huffs, as if it’s common knowledge.

“I always do a good job, just matters what level of good I’m on. I think this was one of my best works though, huh?”

She admires her split knuckles and you roll your eyes, finally starting to put some bandaids on the clean wounds.

“You’re crazy,” you mutter.

She shrugs. “You’re the one who let me. You’re the one who loves me.”

“Yeah,” you mumble after a moment, not really wanting to lie to her, tease her right now. She smiles soft and sweet, placing her fingertips against your jawline and leaning forward.

“Did you like watching me?” she breathes, her low voice hitting you right in the stomach, breath against your lips.

You circle her biceps with your hands and run them up and down the tense muscle.

“You know I did.”

“Three months no dessert,” she smiles.

“Three months of sharing with you,” you laugh. She smiles wider before finally, mercifully, putting her lips on yours.

Everything you do is because of Clarisse. It feels so good to be close to her like this- practically in her lap- fo feel how strong she is, to know what she did for you today.

It feels so good to know she loves you.

When you pull away, trying to chase her, she dodges you and kisses your jawline, your neck, and you throw your head back and release the most unladylike sounds as she leaves hickies on your neck, seemingly determined to make them as dark as possible, as easy to see. And a lot of them.

“Jealous?” you say, biting your lip to keep in a moan.

“Just want everyone to know you’re my girl. Want everyone to know who makes you feel good, feel loved, huh?”

You stomach twists and your mind goes blank.

“Huh?” she repeats, sticking her face in your neck to breathe in and out, catching her breath. “Why you feelin’ like this, baby?”

“Because of you,” you breathe. “Because of you, Clarisse.”

—-

y/n walking around the next day looking like she got attacked by a vampire

silena trying to be happy for y’all but also concerned for your health

clarisse just being proud as hell

—-

this was small so idk if y’all picked it up but clarisse was jealous before alek even came along- jealous that there were more campers coming! like? she just doesn’t like unworthy losers looking at her girl 🙄

—-

possessive!clarisse i love you so much baby

—-

taglist:

@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss @ravisinghs-wife @marsconer @evangelinexo @randomhoex @luvrrish @rebecca37 @saltair-and-palemoonlight @ace-spades-1

[shotanzz]

I wish you would do a full post dedicated to toxicity or angsty shortcomings in relationships with the boys 🫠 I loved reading the toxic head canons ❤️

angst hurts my heart but !!

RIIZE RED FLAGS based on astrology~

hyung line edition ❗️

reminder this is based off of MY opinions of their birth chart placements + aspects and is not exact fact unless I knew them myself and I am not a professional astrologer

Shotaro

Vague - not exactly a red flag but he cares a lot about the things going on within his personal life but sometimes he might prefer to keep things to himself due to paranoia of how his s/o will react or if they’d use it against him..he might have a fear of betrayal that can make him be pretty vague and unable to tell his s/o a lot of things in regards to him which can feel secretive to someone who wants a relationship with open info

Intense - His Scorpio moon paired with his Cap venus leads to a need for loyalty as well as his moon/mercury aspect making him very observant of your words and even remembering things you said a longgg time ago which can be overwhelming and feel even persecuting to some. He might also be paranoid in the relationship of cheating or disloyalty.

Coldness- When he's upset he might have a tendency to be cold yet indirect. He has a scorpio mercury and when upset or protecting themselves they can say things that really hurt or could be pretty cutting. He also has a libra mars so he'd be pretty passive aggressive or indirect with his upset.

Eunseok

Nonchalant- (reminder that nonchalant means that a person cares but acts in a way that suggests indifference/disinterest) He can sometimes be too nonchalant and can make someone overall feel as though he has no passion in the relationship when really he does but just doesn't think you have to be lovey dovey 24/7 or he cant express his passion super well as times

Outburst- Eunseok has a cap moon and moon/saturn aspects paired with a mutable mars so he doesn't express his emotions well or bottles them up which can lead to him getting triggered at random and having a spontaneous outburst out of NOWHEREEE due to suppressed feelings which can be super problematic to some

Insensitive- it’s not on purpose or with malicious intent but Eunseok can sometimes not realize that though a situation isn’t a big deal to him to someone else it might be, he also can forget the more subjective side of things which can accidentally hurt peoples feelings

Sungchan

Sensitive - His pride is high and his reaction to things may be 3x more dramatic than the actual event that happened. When he's been hurt emotionally (whether it was intentional or not) he has a hard time letting go of what happened and might even give a silent treatment until he feels you've shown remorse.

Insecure - He cares a lot about what other people think of him and that can bleed into his relationships. He might act one way in public but another way in private which can make his words/actions seem insincere or disingenuous.

Internal struggles- Has a hard time balancing his feminine side and masculine side and what I mean is he is someone super emotional and feels his emotions very deeply but might try to cover that side of him up with a masculine facade which can bring tension.

Wonbin

Avoidance - He might refuse to acknowledge the red flags or obvious shortcomings/problems in the relationship or himself and may take a long time fully accepting or facing these problems as they are or has a weak approach in attempting to fix or acknowledge the problems. Idealizes a lot of aspects and tends to withdrawal when things don’t match his vision.

Procrastination- Once again, has a hard time facing things head on and takes a while to put action into something and avoids the messier more negative emotions that one must face in relationships; he could also take a long time to let the relationship reach the next more serious levels.

Stubborn- It's hard to change his mind about certain things..in arguments he'll try to pull a "lets agree to disagree" but it's a topic where you both need to be on the same page. He might even just straight up go mute in arguments if he doesn't feel like his opinion was valued enough.

[messyhairedhazeleyeddude]

Ache // Yandere! Ticci Toby x

Fem! Reader {SMUT}

[Hello, this will be the first fic that I post. What I'm going to give you guys beforehand is some trigger warnings before we get on to it. Other than that, I hope you enjoy it and give me some feedback whenever you're done if you feel in the mood.]

TW // Violence, r@pe, and a whole lotta mention of murder as always.

𓌏 ☒ 𓌏 ☒ 𓌏 ☒ 𓌏 ☒ 𓌏 ☒ 𓌏 ☒ - First P.O.V

Every day, it started like this. Planted in my bed, tangled in my grey sheets, waiting for that one sliver of motivation to get out of my blankets. My room was a mess. Pieces of clothing scattered across the floor, piling up around my dresser, and hanging off of places I tossed them.

I stared over the rest of what I could see while trying to get rid of the bitter taste of soda left on my tongue from last night. The posters I've collected of my favorite bands clung onto the wall for dear life, fading away from how long they had been there. An empty Sprite can stood on my nightstand, left there after my body decided to have its third caffeine crash this week.

It was getting so warm where I was lying that I was starting to overheat, making me shuffle around to stay cold. That wasn't too hard because of how freezing my room was.

When I looked at my window, I noticed it was cracked open. If I didn't shut it soon, it would get worse. But minutes were melting into each other and I didn't want to get up. Why did I love to procrastinate so much? It shouldn't be this hard to move on with my day.

Silence filled every corner of my apartment, leaving me to peacefully rot. Was it selfish of me to be like this? That's what it felt like they were trying to say when I talked to relatives. But that's the reason why I prefer to be shut-in. I never had to hear that about myself. The world outside would remain indifferent. And hopefully, by the time I had to move, I was swallowed into the Earth below.

A sudden vibration of my phone startled me. I mumbled a barrage of curses and reached for it slowly, furrowing my brows and groaning. I could only pray that it wasn't him trying to contact me.

The last time he visited, I no longer felt safe outside. I would check behind me constantly, feeling as if his light brown eyes were glued to my back, and at any moment, he could come back and chop off my limbs until I was a headless torso. Remembering that he existed caused that horrible anxiety to spread goosebumps across my skin. I was shaking as I tried to unlock my phone.

Hundreds of notifications popped up that I had been ignoring, some of them messages from my mom, and the rest were emails. I almost accidentally clicked on one before I found the most recent. "Return library books today," it read. Fuck, I forgot today was the due date for those. Despite not wanting to, I had to get up. I did promise that if I had a reason to, I would.

I peeled myself from the comfort of my bed. My sheets clung to me like glue, trying to pull me back as if it were a bad idea. Fighting against it, I shivered at the sudden change in temperature and pulled down the bottoms of my shorts so they weren't wedged in between my ass.

After not walking for what felt like forever, I took my first steps, a soreness on my left thigh making me place a hand on my dresser for support. I looked down at a bruise from that encounter, biting my lip to distract myself from thinking about it. I need to take my pills or I'll get suicidal. So many things to do. So overwhelmed.

Encouraging myself in my head, I found the strength to go for the door. I opened it and turned down my hallway, going for the bathroom with quick and light steps.

Many pictures of family and portraits were loosely decorated on the wall, a pit in my stomach opened when I stared at them. I lingered on my dad and had to tear myself away from the picture before I felt the need to cry.

Stumbling into the bathroom, I flicked on the harsh yellow light and stood before the mirror, running a hand through my disheveled hair. I reached for the medicine cabinet, the hinges squeaking as I rummaged through it. I grabbed my medication and popped the bottle open, tossing out a tiny pill into my palm. I swallowed the bitter capsule and cringed as it slowly went down.

Turning my attention to the sink, I turned on the cold water and brought my mouth to the tap to take a sip. Then I splashed it on my face after I was done, relieved that the pill was no longer there. On the counter, I focused on the facewash I hadn't used in god knows how long. I missed the feeling of my face being clean. At least, I can't forget about it now.

I poured the runny liquid into my hands and rubbed them together, slapping it on my face and rubbing it in circles to get deep in my pores. It foamed up a bit and burned. If I'm going to be honest, I don't know if I'm supposed to be using this, but it works.

As I was splashing the water on my face again to clean it off, I opened my eyes to a man staring at me in the mirror, causing me to freeze. I could see the glisten of his goggles from here, that blue hood covering his messy hair, but it didn't contain enough around the edges. It was him. The man who attacked me and my dad a couple of days ago.

A scream clawed its way up my throat, but before the sound could escape, I reached for something. Grab anything to protect myself, that's all I needed to do. But before I could, the room blurred as I twisted, my hand grasping a razor for a split second.

I was torn away from it. I felt a hard impact on my back as I was slammed against the wall, the air forcing out of my lungs in a sharp gasp. I struggled to breathe, my hands grabbing onto his wrists while they dug into my neck.

He had me pinned against it and struggling to get any sort of noise out. Slowly, I was dragged up upward and lifted off of the ground. I choked, my vision was fading as his glare burned into mine. He's going to kill me. Just like he did to Dad. He's going to get away with it. I pulled my head back against the wall before lunging it forward to collide it with the serial killer's, his hands faltering their hold and dropping me from the force of it.

I collapsed to the floor and sputtered out several coughs, hunched up in a ball and desperately trying to regain the oxygen he took from me. My neck felt numb, the indents of his fingers bruising and stung like a bitch.

He crouched down to me. I closed my eyes and thought he would finish it right there. But when I suddenly felt his lips press against mine, they shot back open. Breathing heavily through my nose, I stared at his shut eyelids. I glanced down at his lashes, feeling his breath as he sighed. He relaxed into me for a split second before pulling away, lowering his voice to a rough whisper to introduce himself, "It's nice to meet you finally, {F/N}. The name's Tobias."

Struggling to get myself sitting up, I made it by resting on the wall and using my hands to keep me there. My chest rapidly went up and down as I watched his every move. He backed away a bit, but not enough to give me leverage. I repeated, "Tobias?" And his eyebrow quirked up like he was questioning my reaction.

"I can also go by Toby. Whatever you prefer. But I gave you my full name because I really like you, [F/N]," he added. I knitted my brows and shook my head, unable to understand what he was saying. He liked me? He just kissed me? What the fuck?

I pushed myself away from him and got back up, running for it and successfully escaping the bathroom. The front door was right in front of me, I barely got to reach for it before I felt a hand grab a fistful of my hair. No, I almost had it!

Strands of my hair were ripped out as I was yanked backward and thrown onto the couch, falling onto it and yelping in pain. Tears fell from my eyes and I clutched my head, grabbing the part that hurt the most. A headache was coming on and I couldn't help but rock myself to soothe it. I sobbed, "Leave me alone! Please, just leave me alone..." I twisted myself to let out the rest in the cushions, hearing him approach behind me.

After crying for a bit and nothing was happening to me, I hesitantly lifted myself to take a peek. Toby was sitting next to me, almost as if he was waiting patiently for me to finish. When he saw that I was staring at him, he patted his lap and said, "Here. Rest your pretty head and we can get to talking about this, sweetheart."

I was too scared of him to tell him no. It was the first time I felt pure terror from somebody. Like I would never be able to fight back with him. And I was right. I couldn't. The sad truth was that if my dad had fallen to this man, I'm sure I would live the same fate if I didn't listen. Dragging myself, I cringed while laying my head onto his leg, feeling his hand rest on my head and causing me to flinch. "Sh, sh, I'm not going to hurt you anymore. I told you, I really adore you, [F/N]," he reassured me. A part of me wanted to bite his leg to pieces, but if I went along with this until he fell asleep or left, then I could escape and possibly go to the police.

Deciding to go with it, I pretended to enjoy the warmth and snuggled into him. I wouldn't call it pretending actually, he was pretty warm. Toby hummed and it stayed like this for some time. He kept petting me, brushing my hair out of the way, soothing me from the chase earlier.

Eventually, he got bored of it and nudged me to sit back up. I tilted my head and asked, "What?" His hand went to rest on my lower back, applying pressure around it, pushing me forward until I was easing into sitting on him. A smile crossed his face at the compliance. He seemed intrigued by it.

"I didn't think you would give up this quick. I thought I was going to have to give you a couple more marks for memories," he sounded pleased as both of his arms wrapped around my waist. They were much bigger than mine, with a couple of veins etched up around them like vines, and faded scars littering everywhere on his skin. He had been doing this for years by the looks of it. There was no way in hell I was going to escape, huh?

Placing another kiss on my cheek, soft and gentle, his eyelashes brushed against me before he pulled away to speak again, "Do you know what I've been picturing every night to the thought of you, [F/N]?" His hands dropped lower to skim over my ass, lightly gripping, and dragging me toward him. My breath hitched. I didn't say a word.

Toby answered for me, "I've been picturing taking these off..." His fingers gripped around the waistband of my shorts and teased me about taking them off by pushing them down lightly. Continuing that, he said, "Have you to myself for a couple of hours..."

There were so many reasons why I should say no to him and why I shouldn't allow him to touch me like this. For one, he killed my father. He broke into my house and he was physically violent to me. I felt disgusting that he had gotten to this level too. But, I didn't stop him. I didn't say no and I didn't deny it. I looked into this killer's eyes and I leaned onto his chest, giving into what he wanted

When we kissed for the second time, I noticed how chapped his lips were, and opened my mouth a little to swipe my tongue across his bottom one. Toby tensed up. And without warning, I felt his tongue use the opportunity to have an exchange with mine. I gasped through my nose, the escalation getting worse and worse. A blush began to spread across my face.

He lifted me off of his lap to flip me onto the couch, putting both of his palms by either side of my head. I was back to being pinned underneath him. I don't know what was happening to me. Something was wrong with me, I was sick for this. I was sick... because I enjoyed this.

His sweater and shirt fell to the floor as we fought each other with kisses. His teeth bit into my lower lip and pulled it back while I moved to unbuckle his belt. I was giving in to this. I was really fucking the guy that took away everybody I loved in my life.

Barely in any clothes, we both took a moment to stare at each other, oddly feeling like he was admiring me from how he looked up and down my body. Toby took his time, pressing small pecks across my chest up to my neck, snaking his arms around to my back. He unclipped my bra and slipped it off of me. I wanted to cover myself, but I no longer wanted to move. I didn't have any motivation. There was nothing left to fight for.

The gloves and bandages around his fingers felt weird against my skin especially when he played with my chest. He squeezed one, bit the other, and once he heard a moan slip out of me, he stopped to let me process. He complimented me, his voice a bit raspy like he was fighting the urge to do something to me already, "You look even better so close like this, with how foggy those windows would get. It would make me want to break them and threaten you then and there."

I bit the inside of my cheek and he got closer, hooking onto my panties and pulling them down as a smirk spread on his face. My lack of response didn't concern him. He kept going despite that, throwing the thin fabric somewhere in the room before he looked up at me. His hair was in his face and the eyebags around his eyes told me he was more than dangerous. How many times has he done this?

Toby muttered seriously, breaking me out of the moment, "Who do you belong to?" I blankly gazed at him, watching as he stood up and slowly inched his boxers down. I can't speak. I can't tell him that. More scars appeared, his v-line making my eyes linger, and I got distracted. His dick was let out before I could respond.

My eyes widened and I tried to squeeze my legs shut, but he kept them apart as soon as they moved, holding both of my knees up to my shoulders. I was breathing super fast, my heart raced, and I was feeling the ache in between both of my legs. It was nothing compared to when he positioned himself and pushed the tip inside.

Digging my nails into his arms, I cried out in pain and threw my head back, looking up at his satisfied face. Toby groaned, a laugh following behind it, "You don't have to answer. I'll do it for you." He rammed most of what he could, grabbing both of my thighs so tightly that it was guaranteed to be bruised. I screamed out. He was too rough and too much for me to take like this. It hurt. It fucking ached. I was being drilled into the cushions.

Trying to handle it was impossible. He made it impossible for me. His hips connected as he went deeper, loud slaps coming from it, bouncing off and echoing. I didn't want to think about the neighbors hearing me lose my dignity like this. I didn't want to think about the fact my dad could be witnessing this. But it was starting to feel good. Really fucking good. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and after that, I didn't care anymore.

I wrapped my legs and arms around him, pulling him closer and savoring his dick carving into the parts I didn't know were there. Moaning, swearing, and muttering filled the room. We were getting lost in the bliss and saying whatever was on the mind. Or I was. His name left me a couple of times and so did encouragement, "More.. More, please, Toby!"

Flipping around again when he got a little tired, I gyrated my hips and sat on his lap so I could bounce, sliding up and down until I could feel my walls beginning to squeeze. I was close and this position wasn't helping. I held my breath and Toby took notice, pressing his forehead against mine.

"Let it out for me, baby. Don't be shy," he cooed, sweat dripping down his forehead like he was holding back his own. I bit the inside of my cheek and a desperate moan came out, "Fuuuuuck, cummm with! Please!"

He didn't listen to me and lifted me off of the couch with him, holding me up in the air while guiding me down onto his shaft. I went limp and drool fell down the side of my chin as I buried myself into the crook of his neck, biting it a little to vent out the overwhelming pleasure. Toby didn't let up until a couple of more minutes of fucking me passed and I was fucked out enough that my legs were shaking.

When he was about to cum himself, he set me back down, rushing up to my face to give me a facial. My mouth was open from panting and I caught a bit on my tongue, swallowing it when we were back to locking eyes. The rest landed on my nose, cheeks, and lips. He let out a loud groan as he unwinded, pulling away to see the display once he was done.

I lay there. Used. I lay there for him to stare at. Until he walked away for cleaning supplies. To think about what I was doing. To come back down and face the new reality I was in. I was his now and he was mine. And there was nothing I could do about it.

[prettieinpink]

How do I stop procrastinating getting my life together. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean....as in how do I stop procrastinating getting out of my comfor zone to do better

GUIDE TO DEALING WITH PROCRASTINATION

Procrastination is delaying a task because of fear or anxiety about doing it. If you frequently procrastinate, it may result from your current mindset. In this post, I will discuss the reasons behind procrastination and how to overcome it by getting started.

AVOIDANCE MINDSET

If you’ve been in their comfort zone for quite a long time, you may be familiar with this term. An avoidance mindset is when we focus more on preventing possible negative consequences, rather than pursuing positive outcomes. This leads to procrastination, avoiding risks or challenges and generally staying in their comfort zones to avoid discomfort and failure.

This mindset usually stems from a fear that is holding you back which is keeping you ‘safe’, which is why we feel discomfort when trying new things. Fear of failure, wasting time, rejection and change are a few common ones.

Doing self-reflection or quizzes are the most efficient way to identify your fears if you haven’t already. Challenge negative beliefs that cause that fear to grow. 

The recommended way to shift your mindset from an avoidance one to a growth mindset is by focusing on the benefits that you’ll get from it. E.g.

‘Exercising is too hard’ -> ‘I’ll feel good about myself after’

‘Studying is boring’ -> ‘I’ll be proud of myself after achieving high grades’

‘Meeting new people is scary’ -> ‘I can’t wait to have a new friend’

PRODUCTIVITY WITH PROCRASTINATION

BREAK TASKS INTO SMALLER CHUNKS, and if it seems too difficult, do it over a week/fortnight. When tasks are smaller, they seem simpler and easier, so we don’t feel the need to delay them. For example...

Deep clean my room -> Wipe down all surfaces & put new bedding OR Monday I’ll wipe down surfaces, then Wednesday I’ll put new bedding. 

 MAKE THE TASK SPECIFIC. If the task is vague, it can seem too daunting to start because we have no idea how to start. For example, instead of saying studying for my science test, say do 3 rounds of science flashcards. We know exactly what to do, so it doesn’t give reason for us to delay it.

HAVE A ROUTINE. Having a consistent daily routine helps us to stay on track because our brains love routines and familiar activities, and it pushes us further because our brains will feel discomfort if that routine is not done. 

However, if you are someone who procrastinates, avoid micromanaging your day. It can seem way too overwhelming, but even if you do it, it can lead to being burnt out. 

KEEP ORGANISED. Being in an environment which is constantly cluttered, or having no way to remember everything that goes in your life, will make you have a cluttered mind, A cluttered mind will influence your actions to also be out of place.

DEVELOP A GROWTH MINDSET. I do have a post on this which is linked on my masterlist. The whole idea of a growth mindset is to embrace the idea that failure further improves us, instead of setting us back.

[belladonnadawn]

I Don't Smoke

"If you need to be mean, be mean to me."

Kayson x Reader

Finals, deadlines, submissions.

Three words rang in your head as you felt as if the day of your judgement was impending. No matter how many times you assure yourself, it was futile; knowing that in a few days the accumulated results of your performance throughout the semester would be represented by numbers that you can't take back once it was written. The thought of it terrifies the perfectionist in you. 

In these times, library wasn't an option for you to catch up with the subjects. Suddenly it was too crowded, too noisy, and too crammed; not an ideal place to clear your mind and study. Luckily, your friends were generous enough to lend you their dorm while they're away, spending the night away in a party that you were never interested to know. 

You sat down on the study table. Finally, peace and quiet. The soft sound of your stationery and notes filled the room as you began to set things up. The idea of procrastinating lingered in your mind, but you're sure that that idea would just lead into more trouble. Opening your laptop, you were bombarded by lists and to-dos. There was this simmering disappointment in your stomach, you should've started studying earlier this week. Why haven't you started earlier? You scolded yourself. You rack your brain, trying to pinpoint where the routine changed, and there it is: Kayson. Your sweet, handsome, endearing Kayson. 

"Hey, I just finished practising. Wanna grab lunch?"

"I missed you so much. Come over, my dad bought a new board game."

"You know what you deserve? Another nap and kisses!"

You smiled as you remembered his sweet voice. There's a glint of longing and sorrow as you look back on those memories. It was rewarding yet a hint of regret creeps through slowly. You should've used those times to study– You shook those thoughts off, familiar words echoed in your mind. You can't let those memories turn into regret. You need to prove your parents wrong. So you began.

It’s been minutes– hours? You weren’t counting. The words in your notes were overwhelming, the laptop screen was too bright; everything became incomprehensible. It was too much. You sighed, leaning on your chair to look at your progress. You came so far, but not too far for you to be satisfied. It’s not enough. 

Your ears perked up at the sound of the door opening. “There you are!” A familiar voice caught your attention. “Thought I might visit before you study yourself to death.” Kayson sighed, wrapping his arms around you. He was warm, a comforting touch after a stressful day. 

“I’m not studying myself to death. How’d you find me?” You retorted, rolling your eyes.

“I used my superpowers to track you down.” He laughed at his joke. “I’m kidding, I asked your friend. And besides look at you, you’re alone with nothing but papers and notes.To be honest, I consider this as prison.” Kayson picked up a chair, sitting down beside you.

“Look, I’m not in a mood for jokes. I have seven topics to catch up with.” Sighing, you faced your study desk once again. 

“Seven?!” Kayson’s eyes widened. “Can’t you just ditch that and you know… join the party?”

Your brows furrowed, irritation visible in your face. “I can’t just ditch this. Finals are around the corner, I’m not gonna flunk it.” 

“You’re not gonna flunk it, you’re just taking a break.” He sighed, eyes softening as he looked at your situation. 

You shook your head, you knew that your boyfriend was dead set on convincing you to take a break. He was stubborn, but so are you. Leaning back to your seat, you began skimming through notes. Thousands of words, hundreds of pages welcomed you; it was dreadful. But progress is progress. You heard him sigh as he watched you continue studying.

“Maybe after this we could go to the new spot I found.” Kayson spoke softly. Usually, you didn’t mind, it’s not unusual for you to listen to his stories about his day; like how hard the team laughed when Alex fell flat on his face or how his brothers facetimed him last night. But his voice, along with the topics you tried to read, was overwhelming.

“I don’t have time, Kayson.” You curtly replied, eyes focused on the papers. Flipping the pages, you were met with another topic: research. Great. You began reading. The research gap must be clearly stated in the study to establish objectives.

"Maybe we could go there, I heard they're serving your favorite food."

Discuss the problem, elaborate the significance, and state the method.

"You know what? We really need to try those. You could use a break from those books."

The gap. The method. The study. The aim– 

"What do you say? Are you–"

"God, Kayson, I said I don't want to! Can you stop being such a distraction?!" 

It was loud, biting– enough to fill the room with silence. No words were muttered. It doesn’t have to when the look on his face showed what he felt. His mouth slightly agape from shock, his eyes filled with hurt. Your words ripped his heart out and it was too late to take it back. 

Kayson only nodded, looking away from you. "I uh..." He composed himself, trying to hide his glossy eyes as tears threatened to fall down his cheeks. "I-I'm just gonna see myself out. Study well." He immediately left, without a kiss or a small wave. You sat in silence, guilt filled your heart as his painful expression burned in your memories. Maybe he’s right, you should’ve taken a break.

Pattern banner from Cafekitsune

[nenelonomh]

HiiiiIIIIII 🙃

Just coming from your post on improving focus and this idea popped into my head. I want to hear your opinion on it /any tips.

For a bit of context, whenever I have too much to do and a lot of time to do it I'll generally just settle for sitting on social media. Sometimes I'll remember about taking a walk around the house, getting some water or laying on the floor for a minute or even just reading a bit instead but I never do them. And when I'm in the flow of work, especially housework I tend to get so much done until I sit down and pick up my phone. I don't often have the self control to just set it down after scrolling for 30 mins (I'm just realising that this might get quite long, sorry about that 😅)

The regular pomodoro technique doesn't work for me for studying, but might it work for getting tasks done instead?

By blocking off a few hours, say 4, and setting a, for example, 30/10 pomodoro timer for that time, you could be productive in some way (even if it is a rest outside of social media) and take a scroll break for those 10 mins.

I though that this might work out well because for me personally, time blocking doesn't really work. If I set out to do a task for/at a certain time and don't get it done in that time-block, or I forget about it and I start the task late, it throws my productivity off balance, I get incredibly stressed and quickly demotivated. But with a pomodo set up I can get started on a single task and if I don't finish the task before the break, I can just continue it after. Or I can treat myself and have an extra 30 min break.

I'm just not 100% sure how to set up what I get started on 'in my next pomodoro' (which I can decide on during the breaks). This circles back to the first issue I settled where I see a list and it seems like too much or I don't know what to get started on, and it overwhelms me to the point of never starting. And what to do when I finished/can't do any more of what's on the To Do list but could still continue to be productive. I would be afraid of just picking my phone back up for the rest of the day after that.

I'm thinking that I could write a 1-6 numbered list and roll the decide to decide what to work on? But the numbers will repeat, and again it'll be a short list that might end up getting done quickly (I doubt it would but still).

I'm mostly rambling and telling you this because I have a few urgent things that need to get sorted soon among with having to do revision for my mock exams, and I just don't have the time to get into a rabbit hole of fully experimenting with this idea. So what do you think?

hey, pretty,

i can definitely relate to forgetting and procrastinating tasks (picking up stuff in my room/studying/putting away dishes/doing the laundry/…), which can turn into a massive and overwhelming pile of things to-do.

pomodoro can help you balance work with breaks - motivating you to quickly get your work done whilst allowing you time to rest (or time to look forward to).

when you finish your to-do list and turn to scrolling because you “have nothing to do”, it’s a telltale sign that you need a rest. your brain is tired and needs a break.

if you’ve heard of the concept of a self-care menu or hobby menu, i think it may be quite helpful to combat this. that way, you can participate in activities that allow you to rest and refresh rather than doom scrolling.

personally, the dice idea sounds complicated and confusing - but it can definitely be helpful with changing things up a bit (removing boredom and monotony), which can improve your motivation.

remember that productivity is not the be all end all! you are a person and you have a life to live! perhaps reward yourself for every five tasks completed with a longer pomodoro break, or a hobby.

good luck for your mock exams, and i hope that your idea works out for you!

🫶nene

[ask-the-business-ler]

Is there anything you miss about your old life, from before you started your business?

I miss when I wasn't having so much work to do but I have it that many because I'm ambitious and I want keep biggering, I'm just overwhelmed when I'm taking at myself too much and I'm often procrastinating... But overall I'm doing good!

About past me, I didn't changed much. I'm also sometimes wearing my old outfits because I still love them. Remember my ad for new Thneed with Truffula trees pattern? I was having my outfit with black vest on it instead of business one, I love this outfit soo much!

About what changed, by example now I'm more fixated on business but before I was too!

Not long ago after Truffula forest got destroyed I was feeling nostalgic and I was thinking about times when I was happily wandering through this forest and playing on guitar. After that I realized that before thinking about this situation from past I was playing on guitar and I was still in this forest near my factory.

It was same forest but empty and I was playing on different guitar and having my business outfit but it was kinda same thing. Slightly different but not much.

Can you guess what song I was playing? :>

[studentbyday]

30 days of intentionality

starting this challenge with the goal of taking it one day at a time. i have a hard time doing that these days. i spend more time ruminating on the past or worrying about the future than staying in the present, even if that's when i'm most content. not sure how i'll format my posts and most likely, i'll only do weekly updates bc daily ones are too overwhelming. i'll just go with the flow, trying to trust that everything will end up as it's meant to be and maybe i'll be more productive as focusing primarily on the present moment becomes a habit.

---

1. suo gân (arr. john williams for the ambrosian junior choir): i believe that if everyone lived by the idea of global citizenship and so saw the humanity in every individual from every background, there would be no war. reading the news fills me with fear, sorrow, and anxiety, but i also feel the responsibility to stay informed. did some studying today, more than yesterday, but it was kind of uncomfortable with the state of global politics lurking in the back of my mind. i'm still a little behind on school.

2. souvenir de paganini (chopin): today is not so bad. i'm making progress academically, but i do need to make time for social activities soon or i will get lonely and lose what little motivation i have very quickly.

3. once upon a december (arr. emile pandolfi): sometimes in the face of events and issues much bigger than myself that i have no control over, i feel like my dreams are pointless bc i think there's no way achieving them or trying to achieve them could possibly empower me to make real and important change that can truly benefit many. who knows if the future would even allow me to get that far. there are many things that could change the course of our lives that we don't have control over. but if others in worse situations than me and others much better informed than me can still have hope, then so can i. i didn't do much other than pharmacology and a little bit of philosophy today. i made more progress in pharmacology than expected, but that's only bc i didn't do any psych work. i also earned a few more mastery points on khan academy's integrated math 1 (not a priority, i know, but i wanted an easy win) and started lab tasks. i'm far from done with that, i need to do a little every day... i don't want to let them down! 🥺 (note to self: lying in bed is maybe NOT a good study break activity bc that just makes me not wanna do anything else after that and it's very very very hard to get out of that procrastination rut once i let myself fall into it.) 4. let's stay together (al green): everything should be going well, except i'm easily overwhelmed, and this time, it wasn't in an openly frazzled way, it was in a tired and slightly defeated "what's the point?" way, so i didn't realize it as quickly as i usually do. after some bed rest, cuddles 🧸, listening to steve jobs' commencement speech, and a little yoga, i felt better. "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future." was something i didn't know i needed to hear today. i modified my to-do list and found that the list of things i "must do" was nearly as long as the list of things i "want to do" 😅

5. kreutzer sonata, movt. 1 (beethoven): pretty sure i've mentioned some of these songs before but...they really fit the mood! sometimes i feel things so strongly that i develop a tightening in my chest that can only be relieved in a scream... since i can't actually scream and i don't actually really like the physical feeling of it, i scream through exercise and music 😅 beethoven is very nice for when i'm feeling very annoyed or angry, especially if it's an anxious kind of angry or if it's anger at injustice/inequality. i can't find a piano solo version that does the fiery spirit of the violin justice. so in the vague future when i actually play this, either i try (and perhaps fail) to replicate that on the piano, or i find a violinist friend who would want to play with me 😅 right now though, imagining how i would physically create that sound on the piano will have to be enough. the prevailing thought/feeling of the day: sometimes i just really wanna believe in the good in people and believe that i can trust (some of) them. i long for that feeling of safety in a broader irl community that i actually belong in. i'm surprised by how often i long for it. but then my negativity is reinforced by news and people's opinions on it.

6. violin sonata no. 1 in g minor, bwv 1001 (j.s. bach): stuff was done. i felt calm/chill throughout the day, but even tho i feel good whenever that happens, it usually means i don't get an extraordinary amount of things done that day (lol since when do i ever). i'm not sure if it's enough, as there is still lots to do and i'm pretty sure that it's just wishful thinking that i'll achieve all my goals for this week by its end. i need to cut down my goals list to the realistic rather than idealistic version as always (school, lab, and basic self-maintenance tasks) 😅 gaawwwdd i hope i can do this...good night.

7. waltz in a minor, b. 150 (chopin): today and yesterday i have been able to keep my phone time under an hour. the days are blissful (if not at least calmer) and focused. 📚

8. only mine (laufey): cuddles in bed while listening to laufey is so soothing 🧸 takes me back to my childhood listening to lullabies in the dark 🥺 motivation to study is hard to find today. i just want to relax 🥺 i'll just do one tiny thing and see where i wanna go from there...

[letsberealgenz]

how to be productive: stop procrastinating, stay motivated and disciplined in 2024

Recently my schedule has been pretty crazy! Not going to lie, it can get pretty overwhelming when you have so much to do yet so little time. The truth is time is just time, it’s just that we’ve been filling up our plate a little too much with the expectation of getting almost everything done in just 24 hours and also crazy enough to think that we can juggle every responsibility we have towards ourselves, family, friends, community and et cetera.

Are we living in a time where we can’t seem to differentiate humans and robots anymore?

Being in a chaotic schedule has definitely hacked my productivity benchmark but what surprised me was how easily it is for us to overlook the daily habits that’s actually making the most difference in your day-to-day. Finally, I am compiling and revealing it to you today!

stop mindless scrolling

The #1 productivity killer is this. To be honest, it’s a drug that’s been intoxicating not only 1 person but the entire generations down the road. Like it or not, everybody’s forced to own a smartphone today due to how fast the world is revolving around digital transformation.

I mean that’s okay but what’s not okay is how easily it is for humans to fall prey into this addiction of scrolling through social media. We are living in a time where nobody has to teach you how to be addicted to an application instead we are living in a time where it’s the application that tends to give you more attention compared to human beings. Right?

That’s how you get addicted scrolling through your Instagram feed, Facebook, TikTok and all the applications that exist out there just for you! To be honest, I was definitely in that category too and I hate the fact that I wasted every second of my life going through that addiction till I finally woke up.

An awakening they say? Huh once I knew exactly how we are wrapping ourselves into this great illusion, I made a promise to only use my social media when it’s highly needed. For instance:

work purpose

communication and etc.

Definitely I allow myself to mindlessly scroll too but only when I am completely done with the tasks that I promise myself to work on. Also not forgetting I always find a way to stay in the present moment by giving my time to people whom are physically present around me. That way, I feel like I am truly living and making the most out of the day!

create a to-do list

This is my top habit for easing my anxiety and reducing panic attacks throughout the day. Saves mental space big time! From my personal experience, the moment I begin planning for the things I need to work on for the day, I ensure that it is truly aligned with my goals as well as allocating the time required in a realistic manner.

What happens here is that by doing this, I am actually eliminating tasks that does not require my immediate attention and upscaling my time management for tasks that would actually move me closer towards my goals.

plan your important days ahead

I can’t emphasize enough on the importance of planning your high priority tasks way ahead. Yes, I do know how well some of us work at the very eleventh hour but truth to be told is when you get your planning right, you would ensure that you put in all the effort required on your side to make it happen!

Trust me when you do this, you won’t ever have the feeling of “you could have done more” or even “only if I put in more effort, never know I could ace that event/competition/meeting/presentation.” Planning wins in the end!

set up your vision board

Didn’t they say visualization is the key to manifestation? Yes, you heard it right! Vision board is just another really simple way to ensure you are being reminded of your big goals in life. That dream house, that dream vacation, that dream relationship, that dream job and that dream lifestyle of yours is never going to come into fruition if you just procrastinate and scroll through your phone all day long right?

visualization + belief + effort = manifestation

dopamine reward system

I have to credit Rob Dial’s podcast for this insight! It’s ironic how we only reward ourselves for the big wins but the truth is it’s the small wins that matters the most at the end of the day!

When you start rewarding yourself for those small wins of yours, that’s how you’re going to generate a bigger, better and brighter momentum to keep moving forward in life!

For me personally, I find it so satisfying to cross off my to-do list. This is my daily dopamine reward system for my entire being to be honest. What’s yours?

focus on the important task first

When you have so many things on your plate, it’s so easy to be pulled in various directions at the same time. That’s why it’s so important to recognize which task is truly urgent and actually helping you to get closer towards your goal.

Personally, I use the Eisenhower decision matrix boosting my time management!

monitor your intake

Food is fuel right? I am not a professional nutritionist to advocate about this but I am humanly enough to know that the food and drink we consume affects our entire body system in so many different ways.

energy level

sleeping patterns

hormones

cognitive function

The list goes on and on haha!

take your vitamins/supplements consistently

Vitamins are so underrated to be honest. It’s like we get caught up doing everything externally till we forgot we could boost our immune system just through the right pills. I know it’s always the best to consume intake that naturally has all the vitamins and minerals your body needs but what if you are eating out most of the days?

Exactly, that’s where vitamins and supplements come in as your best friend!

sweat it out

I hate how social media portrays “fitness” because in reality everybody has different body languages. Maybe I fit well working out at home with my yoga mat but for you maybe hiking is your love language. But what needs to be spoken more about is how you can fit a certain workout regime best into your daily schedule.

Consider time as well. Do not robotized yourself instead be really flexible with your regime. Some days working out could be easy and some days you just don’t find time to do so and that’s totally okay. Do not ever beat yourself up for this!

self-reflection

Reflection is such an important tool yet it can be easily overlooked in your daily life. That’s where journaling comes in as your savior. This is something that I have recently found out, night journal really helps in wrapping up my days.

What I did on that day?

What can be improved?

What needs to be eliminated?

What did I learn overall?

What I need to focus from tomorrow onwards?

I will create a special night journal routine vlog soon on my YouTube channel. Therefore, do hit the subscribe button to stay tune for more live vlogs! (PS: This is a new realm for me but I am excited to try this out)

batch create

Saving the last spot for the best! Aha, finally we are here and this should be your #1 habit if you’re an online entrepreneur, growing your business digitally, running an online store, an artist, creator or anybody who’s trying to make something out of wi-fi money. This one’s for you! (save this)

Batch create your content. Save a specific date and record all of your videos/podcasts on that same day. This would help you to save a lot of time down the road for editing and scheduling purpose.

That’s it for now! Signing off, let me know if you found this to be helpful and below are my socials. Let’s connect!

YouTube || Instagram || TikTok || Wattpad || Tumblr || Pinterest || Podcast

[desultory-suggestions]

hi there, thank you so much for running this blog! i have been following you for a long time and appreciate what you do so much, and i’ve been struggling with something and was looking for an ear or some advice so i thought i would come here.

this summer has been pretty hard on me mentally for a few reasons. being back home with family, as I live across the country for university and even studied abroad this semester, it’s always an adjustment living with people I love but sometimes struggle dealing with. i’m also back to an environment where I have no strict schedule, less friends, no privacy, no personal space, etc., and i got pretty sick for a portion of the summer.

this is my last summer before i graduate and i put many expectations on myself for how it would go (fun/personal life wise, but also academics/career wise). despite this sense of urgency and also these expectations, this past month of june i basically just rotted away in my bed, feeling depressed and anxious and not really doing anything about it. i did go out and about a few times and even got myself hired for two jobs, but there were so many responsibilities i ignored while rotting away and just feeling miserable for myself. now im finally clawing my way out of this hole i dug for myself, and im realizing how much i screwed myself over—all of the things i need to do would have been so much easier and enjoyable (!!!!!) had i not procrastinated. it feels like my memory for june is mainly just a haze when it could have been so great.

my question is—how do i cope with these feelings of self-disappointment, and almost self-disgust for the time i lost? for the moments i could have been better but didn’t? how do i cope with the knowledge that my summer could have looked totally different now, and that the power was in my hands to change it? the rest of my summer is looking pretty busy as i scramble to pick up the missing pieces, and im sad because i wanted it to feel special since it’s my last summer of university. any time i acknowledge the challenges i faced and the victories i did have just feels like making excuses for myself.

anyways, sorry for this ramble, and thank you for your time! i hope you are doing well and enjoying yourself.

Hello, dearest. First of all I want to tell you that I am so proud of you. I know right now you’re struggling with these heavy feelings, and it’s important to know that despite your inner struggles you are seen and loved and respected by those around you.

It sounds like you have worked very hard and been very busy for a long time. I know as a full time college student myself that the amount of work expected of us is often unbearable. People talk about it like a simple process, a part time commitment. It is not! You have been working a constant minimum of a full time job, plus additional work for pay, plus travel, plus family and friends needs, plus basic self care. Of course all of this can be so overwhelming and lead to a sense of burn out. Changing the language you use is giving reasons is not making excuses. Cultivate a mindset of correcting yourself:

“I’m making excuses -> I’m acknowledging the challenges and moving forward.”

I found quickly into college my high achiever mindset flipped into a constant sense of failure. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, and like I just fell behind everyone else I respect. I wallowed in this for far too long, so trust me when I tell you not to spend all your time worrying about the past. Everyone has had a time like these, sometimes weeks, months, and sometimes years. But it is never too late to change the present and future.

You may not feel like it, but if summer meant laying in bed and barely doing anything maybe that’s what you needed. If your body and mind were too beaten down to do much, that’s not your fault. Remember that you are just one person, and this was one summer. You will have countless more summers to live out your dreams. Summer 2022 I barely left my room, depression, anxious, I pretty much rotted in bed! I was burnt out and struggling. Summer 2023 I worked my ass off at my new job, made friends, and started going to parties and even a music festival. Summer 2024 is now, and I’m in a solid mix of work, school, friends, and working to take care of myself. Life will not always look how we imagine it too, but often it will turn out much better.

Nothing that has already happened can be changed, all you have power over is the current and the future. Tons of people express the same sentiment to me

“I didn’t do X and now all I do is Y and it makes me feel Z so I don’t do X!”

And I totally understand! But this is the trap right here! This is what resembles the grave but isn’t! The more time you spend contemplating what you should have done the more past you create where you didn’t do what you wanted. It is so important to develop the ability to go “oh well, what do I want Now?” This takes practice. When you catch yourself in the internal doomscroll of all that you should have done, literally say “oh well, that’s the past. What do I want to do right now and how can I do it?”

Actions you can take:

- Make a list of goals you have tiered by right away, short term, medium term, and long term. Make sure to include a tier for goals that feel impossible! You’d be surprised what you can do!

- Start by picking one thing you want to change. Go on a walk every day, listen to an audiobook or music on that walk. Bam! Two enriching activities at once. Cook one new recipe a week or every other week.

- When at home from school, work to establish your independence in the home. This is hard! Family dynamics vary, but if you can, try to communicate with your family about personal space and boundaries. Perhaps rearrange your space at home to fit your needs as a more adult space while still maintaining your nostalgic environment.

- Cultivate a positive mindset and excitement for what comes next. This summer is not just an end, it’s a beginning! What do you want next? You can have it if you believe in yourself.

A final piece of advice. I started college with such high hopes and dream of what it would be. The summers with friends, late night studying in the library, goofing off between classes, getting to be this dream idealized self. For various reasons, this didn’t happen. I felt so angry that my experience with college had been tainted and forcefully taken from me, and I stayed angry for a while. This constant obsession with regret starts to eat you alive until you can’t see how good things are right in this moment. This did not get better because I somehow changed the past, it got better because I accepted that this was an idealized dream of one tiny part of my life. It got better when I started aiming towards the future. It’s ok to feel sad that you didn’t get what you wanted, but that doesn’t mean you never will. I am happier for moving on and saying I’d had enough grieving a hypothetical. You are real, you are young and alive and filled with dreams. It will never be too late, and there is nothing you could have missed this summer that cannot be achieved in a happier and healthier situation.

Start making today special. You are filled with light, dreams, and love. You will create the life you dreamed of, filled with adventure and happiness. Treat yourself tenderly, this is your first time being alive, the first last summer of college. You are learning and growing. I am so proud of you as you are now, and all that you will become. Keep the sparks alive, and I’m always here if you need someone to support or another senior in college to lean on!

I hope this helps!

Evan

P.S. here’s a poem that’s helped me!

[thebluntstudent]

FOUR ANXOUS THOUGHTS YOU MAY BE HAVING PRE-EXAM, AND WAYS TO RATIONALISE THEM ...

Also, a little commentary about panic attacks because I been there babs, in fact was there 30 mins ago~

°•☆•°

Tomorrow, I have an exam that I have been dreading for a long time. So naturally, today when I woke up a couple hours later than I was anticipating and opened up my notes to make the most of my last day of revising, I was hit with a flood of overwhelming anxiety and a panic attack followed suit.

I was struggling to move, I felt so overtaken by my thoughts- so I lay down, hugged myself, and did my best to calm down and rationalise my thoughts. This is how I got through it, and this is how I contended with a few of the emotionally-loaded thoughts that were driving my pre-exam panic:

Firstly, getting through it. If you are having a panic attack, don't try to push it down or ignore it- it sucks babs, but much like escaping a burning building by jumping through the fire, it's happening now and the only way past it is going through. So feel it. If you can talk to someone to support you through and ground you then do, and use whatever aids you to help calm the physical effects enough that you can start to fight that negative filter making you feel like the worlds biggest failure right now- you're not. You're a human, and if you didn't care about this exam you wouldn't be curled up in bed hyperventilating about it!

°•☆•°

Just physically calming yourself down doesn't help you fight the thoughts you're having that may be caused by or be the cause of your anxiety in the first place- so here are a few anxious thoughts I have had that you may also be experiencing and the rationalisation that helped me through them- in hopes that if you aren't doing okie dokie right now that maybe this will give you something to focus on and help you be the devil's advocate to your own anxiety too:

"I woke up later than I wanted to, I've lost important study time." So you slept through your alarm, or forgot to set one- fretting about lost time is only going to make you lose your mind and lose focus more, and the day before an exam you need as much rest as the night before. A few hours may feel like a lot of time, but you probably wouldn't have made the most of that in a groggy sleep-deprived state anyway. You're looking after yourself, you still have time, and that is okay.

"I have so much to get through, I'm never going to understand everything now." There is still plenty that you can do! I have been moderately unwell for 2 months and it has had a massive impact on my capacity to study consistently. There's a fair bit of content I know that I don't have enough time to understand at a first grade level- but I still have hours to lock down a little bit more confidence in preparation for the exam. Stop thinking 'I have to do ALL of this in the next 24 hours', start thinking 'what can I do to make myself feel a little more confident for tomorrow?'- as I mentioned in my last post, in just a 5-10 minute revision session you can go over a topic's worth of content via flashcards, and you literally have hours to go yet.

"I'm a bad student, I should have started prepping weeks ago/I should have done more." Hindsight is a bitch. Even if your reason for not studying before now is simply procrastination (which does not make you a bad student, it makes you a normal student- and also, a human being), mourning the time you've lost will not get you a top grade. You still have so much time to make yourself feel a little more prepared- you aren't a bad person, and you can still do something now even if you didn't a week ago! <3

"I don't even know where I'm supposed to start now, everything feels so overwhelming." take 20. Stop envisioning your subject as a whole (easier said than done, I know), and instead try to break it down into little segments of info you have to learn- you've already been taught the subject, so you don't have to learn the WHOLE thing in 24 hours. I like to write a list breaking down my module lecture by lecture, with three little check boxes next to it (though this depends on the subject you're doing): content, flashcards, practise. Cross off anything you've already done, pick one topic- one task you want to focus on and ignore everything except for that for however long you'll be working on it. It doesn't matter if you can't get through the whole list- every little section you do is another set of questions in the exam that you now have a better chance at answering. Isn't that a win?

This won't get rid of your anxiety like some magic solution, and it isn't always an easy task to dismiss your restless mind's accusations- but hopefully this is a little helpful for any fellow messy, anxious students out there who want the best but aren't in the best circumstances to get there <3 also, good luck!

[unapologticallyqueer]

There's a couple that the guy makes videos about helping his ADHD wife with life stuff in general and, there's so many good tips and strategies that they use to help her manage stuff without procrastinating forever or the chore turning into a punishment. It's so wholesome to see.

I would like to manage those things too, but constantly having to manage my unmedicated ADHD and my unmedicated chronic pain at the same time is so hard! All the strategies that 100% would work for me if my only issue was AuDHD, kinda fall apart when I have to always take into account how much I can do before my body gives up on itself. Or how much I can safely do today, so I won't be bed bound for the next 3 days, or the next week. How much can I safely do and keep functioning? I don't know.

Sometimes I will be feeling great, and I'll manage what feels like a lot for me, finish the day feeling good, maybe a bit tired but ok. Then the next day I won't be physically able to get up from bed.

Sometimes it feels like life would be so much easier with help, like someone to be there and body double with me and help me make decisions. And see when I'm too hyper focused on task to notice that my body and brain unfortunately have different capacities and sometimes they don't align well with eachother. But at the same time I want to be able to be independent, which I'm still not exactly since I still depend financially on my mother (because I can't work).

I always feel so overwhelmed when I try to think about seeking medical assistance with my issues because I honestly don't see myself getting better without treating them ALL at the same time. If I treat my pain only, I'm might be physically able to do more, but still mentally overwhelmed and overworked that ADHD paralysis will fuck with me. If I treat my ADHD only, I'll be more able to make decisions and have some energy to do the things I need to do and want to do with less paralysis and less procrastination, but I'll still not be able to them for very long because after 15 to 30 min of activity my body will be dead for the day. That's even without considering what the hell kind of help being autistic makes me need, because I honestly never got actual professional HELP about it.

Writing about it already made me so exhausted. It all just makes it seem so impossibly big and overwhelming. I just... Can't. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist, but then I know that what I wish didn't exist were my issue and not necessarily myself. I don't even wish to NOT be disabled exactly. I just wish I had the money so I could have all the help I need to make living in general more accessible to me.

[reneethegreatandpowerful]

Inklings Challenge Entry- The Dark Lord's Son Does Laundry

@inklings-challenge

Well, I procrastinated, so this little snippet is all I have for you today. The genre I chose was secondary world fantasy, and the theme I chose was visiting the sick, but this snippet doesn't really get as far as either. I hope you enjoy what there is, though. :)

One fine morning in the land of Luden, Hanaden came out of his front door and paused to admire his wife's box garden. All the little plants in their different shades of green were a lovely sight to him. A somewhat less lovely sight to him was in the yard, where young Filsalis hunched over a laundry basket, pulling out long sheets. He slung them onto his shoulders, practically burying his head in a sea of white as they spilled forward and back of him.

While he was attempting to hurl them over the line without dropping them on the ground, Hanaden entered the yard and raised his brows at the laundry overwhelmed lad, who was unknowingly trailing sheets onto the grass behind him.

"Good morning," said Hanaden uncertainly.

"Ah, good morning Hana!" said Filsalis, turning what little could be seen of his face, which was his sparkling dark eyes and the top of his freckled nose. "Don't worry about the laundry! It's all clean, and with a wind like this, it'll be dry in a jiff'!"

"Thank you," said Hana, watching the sheet narrowly miss a streak of dirt on its way up Filsalis, "That's very helpful."

"Oh, it's no trouble at all," he said, accidentally flipping it over his head instead of the line. He pulled it back off, his black hair getting messier by the minute. "So, everything running smoothly with the festival preparations? You were helping with fireworks, weren't you? Need any help?"

"Er, no. It's all in order. I think."

"Because if you do need help-" he panted, trying to get the sheet evenly over the line so it wouldn't fall off, "I'd be willing-"

"No, that's alright. You should enjoy yourself today."

"Alright then, I will!"

"Oh, let me help you." Hana went on the other side of the line.

"No, no! It's like you said, Hana- if I should enjoy myself today, so should you. Take care of the fireworks, and don't worry about the laundry!"

"The laundry is getting covered in grass stains."

"Oh," said Filsalis, looking at the last sheet, which was hanging out of the basket. He pulled it into his arms. "I don't suppose anybody will really notice, will they?"

Hana sighed. "They might."

"Well, I wouldn't! I'll use this one this time."

"It's a queen size," said Hana, pointing at the pristine twin sheet hanging on the end. "That's probably yours."

"Oh. Well, I'm going to bet that whoever uses it won't notice."

"I notice."

"Well, maybe Mrs. Hanaden won't mind?"

Hana sighed. "That's not the point. You have to ask for help if the sheets are too large for you. Also, don't call Aldia that."

"Why?"

He flapped the last sheet so it whacked Filsalis on the nose. "Because I said so." A small grin escaped him.

Filsalis smiled slyly back. "It must be a festival day if you're smiling."

"I smile," said Hana, ceasing to do it.

"Okay, I believe you. Woo!" he cried as they threw the last sheet over the line. "What a wonderful day, don't you think?" He looked out over the city, or what he could see of it over the wooden fence. The sky was blue, and there were a few thin clouds painted over it. Now and then a bird fluttered over the rooftops, twittering, or someone's voice laughed out.

"It's nice," said Hana. When Filsalis rolled his eyes at him, he amended, "Really nice. Quite a nice day."

"Come on, Hana! You're helping to set up! If you don't fix that sour face, people will think there's something amiss."

"My face isn't sour," said Hana, wrinkling his brow.

"Well, it's not cheerful, either. So, everything really is set up, then?"

"Oh, I don't know, for now it is," said Hana, his brow wrinkling deeper. "Wait, I almost forgot! Aldia wanted me to visit Halaina for her this morning."

"You don't sound excited about it," said Filsalis. His eyes lit up. "Ah, don't worry, I can go instead!"

"You don't have to do that," said Hana wearily.

"Well, sounds like you'd rather not, and unlike you, I have all the time in the world to enjoy the festival. So I think it's a great idea."

Hana looked hesitant. "Alright," he said, "But don't do anything...odd, alright? Aldia usually visits with her awhile, but you don't know her, so you can probably just drop the food off for her, maybe talk about the weather, and-"

"Got it," said Filsalis. "Anything in particular I should know about her? Is she grouchy?"

"Yes," said Hana. "I always got the impression she didn't like me."

"Well, she can't be any worse than you." He laughed. "Basket's in the kitchen, then?"

"Yes, but-"

"Don't worry, Hana, I love talking to people. I'm not afraid of old ladies. Unlike-" He winked exaggeratedly and ran off, taking the big basket with him.

Hana shook his head.

[studywgabi]

Someone

I want to know that I am loved, that I'll always be loved, no matter how bad I get. No matter how sad or angry I am, I want someone in my life to be able to recognize it's still me. I want someone who can handle me, all of my pain and past and insecurities. I want to be with someone brave. Someone who doesn't tell me I'm crying over frivolous things, or inventing problems, even though of course I am. Someone who doesn't trivialize my feelings, someone who recognizes how overwhelming and scary this world is for someone like me. Someone who doesn't call me childish when I need to hide in the closet or curl up under the desk. Someone who doesn't think I'm vain for caring way too much about how I look. Someone who's okay with my perspective, my fears, my emotions, even if they're different than his own.

Someone who's strong, someone's who been through it and come out the other side, someone who knows what the hell they're talking about, someone who knows who the hell they are, someone who knows what they want out of life, someone who's up for the challenge of loving me. Someone who doesn't have to convince themselves to love me, someone who doesn't have to reason with themself, remind themself what's good about me, argue to themself that the good outweighs the bad but never be completely sure.  

I'm not saying he can never get anything wrong or never hurt me, of course he will. I just want him to try his best to understand that I'm hurt even if he didn't mean to hurt me, and I'll understand that he didn't mean to hurt me even though I am. I want to be with someone who can understand both of these things are true.

But he doesn't exist. No one is strong enough to make it through a single day with me, let alone a life, not even myself. No one is going to be okay with me always being late to everything because I procrastinate all day and stay up all night and don't make any progress and then I'm too tired and anxious to get up on time and then I spend way too long getting ready. No one is going to listen to my spirals, take my ruminations, accept my catastrophizing. No one is going to want to know all of my secrets, or be with me all the time, or love every ugly part of me.

I don't want to feel this way forever. I don't want to spend my life alone. Please, please, please.

[pomefioredove]

hello hello miss dove ! congratulations on your 500 followers :)

if it's convenient for you, could i please exclude lilia and trey (not to be rude to them i just don't like trey and lilia is an old man basically)

i'm not the best with describing myself but i'll try (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

on the mbti personality test, i am an istp, so from that, i would guess that i'm pretty blunt? idk. i can't really handle situations well, so i practically just go into blunt blank slate mode where i'm just like "you do you ig"

when in the case i am handling the situation with mild proficiency or i like the subject, i can seem quite energized. i always move may hands around or am jumping (i think is how you would describe it? idk, sort of similar to when you're going like |┘^^|┘but up and down and also bouncing like wawawawa)

i am however, easily distracted and procrastinate often. it's not like i do it on purpose but things get boring and i want to do other things but i feel a moral obligations to do the boring things and then i get stuck in that cycle for half an hour (i'm not sure shy, i was told adhd but i'm not diagnosed) i still get straight A though (my mom says i was a stem kid (science technology engineering math))

i <333 sleep but sleep with another person in close proximity is a no no. personal space please and thank you

physical contact?? in theory yes, but actually no

sleep <3

lyney and furina?? i am literally a star trust i am furina and lyney combined that got isekaid to this world (trust)

interest (romance wise)? lyney <3

i am talking too much about myself im sorry

i enjoy video games (too much) like genshin, hsr, twst(trust) pjsk or visual novels, and I have a nice little kirara box from genshin that i made ^^ i like collecting things that i like (cute stuff), watching anime that interest me (cooking anime <3) and food, because food is good, but if i eat too much food i will feel ＞︿＜ and i don't like feeling nasty. baked goods taste good but not too sweet or else the nasty forms. i can also play instruments !! (violin, contrabass, piano, currently semi-learning viola and cello, i can hold a flute correctly)

sadly i get sick all of the time (my friends have said "you have no immune system" or "sickly victorian child" exact words) but that's a lie im too good to get sick (not real)

i almost had a black belt in taekwondo but i didn't like taekwondo so i left (also covid happened but that's not important)

should i also describe myself? i will, but please ignore this bit if you don't need it

im not tall, but not incredibly short (~160cm) i've been told that i have pretty eyes (hazel) but me personally i just think that they look like standard eyes, they do their job well enough (they are not good at their job my eyes cannot see and i need glasses (contacts are scary)) i have very dark black hair that fades into, you guessed it, dark dark brown hair. (my mom once described it as soft black but idk) its styled like gaming's hair from genshin but a little bit longer (i like to think i look very neutral but i look like a female)

my lifestyle i think is pretty normal. i go to school, go to weekly math or coding club, go home and do work, p r o c r a s t i n a t e, sleep repeat until weekend where i life is a void of forgetfulness and then FUWUASHSH!! monday again. in my free time i do enjoy occasionally baking and traveling (japan !!)

oh no its long i'm sorry i rambled on too much :( please don't take this request if you are too busy i don't want you to feel overwhelmed. if you do want to write for this, then i will be dutifully watchin your posts to see anything familiar (‘-‘*ゞ i'm sorry if everything in this request sounds weird, i am not good with my english. please take care of yourself and have a great happy awesome super delicous wonderhoy day !!

-person who loves your work

I match you with 𝐒𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐤 𝐙𝐢𝐠𝐯𝐨𝐥𝐭

The First Impression:

Sebek is... Sebek. He can be a little hard to get through to at times, even if his core intentions are good. And he doesn't exactly leave a good impression on a lot of people... not that he means to. Perhaps it's your bluntness, or your nonchalant attitude towards him, but for whatever reason, he doesn't immediately write you off.

Why He Fell:

You guys will kill me for this but Sebek is a little cutie. A little fanboy. He's also jumping up and down like wawawawa when he gets excited. He has a lot of growing to do, but if there's anything admirable about him, it's that once you're close to him, he will care about you forever. (Whether he'd like to admit that or not).

Though, truly, he admires you. You're obviously intelligent, you're honest (AKA blunt, but so is he), you have experience in martial arts... somehow, he finds himself watching his tone more around you, and shelving his boisterous, over-confident persona.

The Relationship:

No touching, no problem. Sebek is already getting used to this whole "dating" thing (not that he can't handle being eternally devoted to another person... look at the guy), and he might even breathe a sigh of relief when you say you don't have to sleep in the same bed.

Sebek is... protective, and that's an understatement. He loves people fiercely, and isn't shy about it. You can expect lots of attention and worry and care, especially as someone who gets sick a lot. He will insist on doing everything for you. He'll make an attempt to keep you on task when you need it, too, though he might not be as great at preventing you from overexerting yourself (as he is with himself!)