#but i preferred the numbness tbh

[angelstrawbabie420]

i love how the bones i broke at fucking 12 still ache when i do too much physically over a DECADE later

[nozomijoestar]

Took me a while to realize but I can see similarities in how Asuka seems to process grief and how Guts from Berserk also processed his grief after the Eclipse. They both get so overwhelmed by the wrong that happened to them (father's hospitalization vs the Eclipse and a lifetime of misery) their reaction isn't to seek comfort in others or help/protect their loved one who needs them after the tragedy, it's to go off and inflict their pain on others to self soothe, as if that'll release the feeling from their minds.

The difference is that Guts was called out for this by Rickert and Godo. He needed to snap out of wanting to prioritize ridding his own pain to remember Casca needed him, and that Casca even in the state she was in was all the good in his life who went through the same experience with him. Guts had to remember he loves Casca more than he wants to self destruct. Like Godo told him he was a sword called fear with cracks in it. He feared sitting with his pain and grief and seeing it on the person he loved after so much violation. He feared vulnerability.

Asuka doesn't do this reevaluatation and has no one to call her out for her self destructive coping canonically. She can't sit with anything bad or face looking at it on a loved one either. That's too bad and helpless of a feeling. She's just as much made of fear (primarily from any helplessness as much as violations of her inner ethics) which fuels her anger, but her one personal attachment to her father who needs her isn't enough to make her want to reevaluate what she does at all. Instead his tragedy is the permission she needs to self destruct and destroy in the process, not like Guts who always told himself everything was for Casca and the fallen Hawks, who always reminded himself of the pain to justify the bloodletting.

Unlike Guts I think she'd be stubborn even accepting to listen to someone pointing her behavior out. Though her anger toward Feng did start out carrying a reminder this vengeance is for Dad even if it kills her in 5, even in 5's branching narratives that excuse falls apart when she continues in the tournament for her own pleasure during her route. The moment vengeance is achieved critically injured Dad is out of her mind. Her behavior during 6 repeats this process, preferring to hurt herself and others rather than sit to process a shitty feeling over her and the world's situation. Like Guts in this state she pushes away anyone and everyone else including any comforts because the anger isn't resolved, the fear isn't resolved, the pain isn't resolved.

They're both used to everyone being against them and having to fight for survival until they found joy in it as a side effect. And because of that independence born from isolation when something like the tragedies that happened takes place they put resolving their pain not on sharing with others but into scorching the earth along with themselves.

I don't say this either to imply they're exactly alike or that they have enough similarities to make a true character comparison because they absolutely don't. There's also some stuff I'm leaving out simply because Guts is a far more complex character in ways where there's nothing from Asuka to compare against (I would say Kazuya is the closest, more fitting Tekken comparison for substituting Guts vs Asuka style notes). I just find it interesting that even across wildly different stories the outline for an angry, self destructive, terrified person who thinks self destruction makes them strong and puts them in control uses a lot of the same foundation. And the contrast in their depths really shows how far you can push the concept depending on what you want or need for the character.

[sicker-thingz]

well the downside of being off T is that i realize i DO have emotions after all and they never stopped being intense and i never learned how to cope cause i was just numbing it out. ugh. lame

[blackdykegirlblogger]

nsfw abby hcs even tho tlou tumblr is dead bc i'm very horny and very gay for ms. anderson!!! there's a slight mention of knifeplay towards the end, but nothing too crazy or in-depth.

i'm terribly sorry to all of the sub!abby truthers out there, but let's snap back to reality now. this woman does not bottom. believe me, i loveeeeee me some subby butches (vi, ellie, etc)....but she is not that.

in fact, i'm going to rock the boat and dare to call her a stone top. it's nothing personal against you ofc, but some people just prefer to give rather than receive yk? you getting your nut is the equivalent to her getting one in her eyes, and she loves loves loves playing with you until your brain literally turns off.

her best friend is a black 9 inch strap that she drags around everywhere. if she sees an opportunity to rock your shit at any given time, best believe that she's going to take advantage.

she's a creamer. anyways-

she's at least 6 foot, built like a machine and has the biggest (see what i did there?? i'm funny) size kink known to man. it doesn't matter how fit you are or how much you work out bc she's always going to be stronger than you. and since she's a little shit, she's always going to flaunt how much stronger she is by manhandling you into whatever position she wants on her dick. or pulling you into a headlock as she hits it from the back and admiring how far your eyes roll with the cockiest of grins.

has a very, very, very, very strong dumification kink. so don't be surprised when she fucks you until you're babbling absolute nonsense and your knees lock and you can't even recite the damn alphabet (all on a random tuesday afternoon). that's how she knows she did a good job <3

swallows your cum and honest to god will spit it back into your mouth. nasty nasty nasty.

she's had a few casual sexual encounters prior to meeting you. she's not a virgin (vi) or a whore (sevika), but kind of somewhere in between? like she has enough experience to know what she's doing but her body count rlly isn't that high tbh

her favorite position is a full nelson and she will say it to your face with no shame (with mating presses being a close second). she's making sure that you aren't running from ANYTHING!

she fucked you on the first date. actually, correction. she fucked you halfway through the first date.

^^^ branching off that, she may or may not have stated very very clearly that she wanted to make a baby with you whilst being balls deep in the backseat of her truck. this was about *checks watch* 2 hours after she first picked you up from your apartment.

her tits aren't all that sensitive, but her neck definitely is. suck on her pulse point for long enough and she is putty in your hand.

she moans when she eats it. yes ma'am.

she's very much all or nothing. if she isn't fingerfucking you with 3 fingers, then she might as well not be fingerfucking you at all. ik that sounds a tad bit painful, but trust. you're so wet from the hours of mind-numbing clit sucking that they just glide right in

has fucked you with the handle of one of her knives before. stay with me now

[cyberm4n]

alastor and lucifer sharing you

alastor x reader x lucifer headcanons

pt2

cw: 18+, semi explicit smut? dom! alastor, dom! lucifer, alastor basically pitches a hinge relationship

■ alastor and lucifer had known this was a long time coming.

■ between the gifts lucifer makes you and the little friendly affections alastor only gave you, it didn't take long for either of them to realize the predicament.

■ at first, neither want to share, and neither are entertaining the idea of the other having you.

■ however alastor gets an idea as lucifer is arguing he'd be the most likely to please me the most

■ alastor has never been a fan of touch, not that he would deny intimacy with you, but he definitely doesn't prefer it.

■ but standing infront of him is a man who prides himself on treating his partners well, both in and outside of the bedroom.

■ i imagine in this scenario alastor is less concerned about being your partner but more about making sure lucifer can't have you all to himself

■ alastor doesn't like to share, but if it means he gets to have possession of you without the intimacy, he's going to take it.

"maybe there's a simple compromise here after all" alastor says, looking down at the man standing before him, lucifer sighing in frustration.

"oh really? and what would you propose?" he says with snark, not expecting what alastor suggests even a little.

■ it's a simple arrangement, really.

■ lucifer gets to do whatever he wants, gets to have you, but alastor gets to watch and maybe occasionally participate

■ but of course, they have to convince you too.

"i— you guys want to what?" you'd say, they'd both approached you while you were in your room. you sat on the small couch while they sat across from you on the bed.

"darling," alastor would tut, giving you a look "it's a simple question. yes or no" he says, and it's getting harder to ignore the hand lucifer had placed on your thigh, slowly working it's way up.

they'd started out this conversation by explicitly stating if you were uncomfortable at all, everything stops no questions asked.

but they wanted to hear you say yes.

■ i think they'd be like "good cop, bad cop"

■ lucifer, who's been between your thighs for what feels like hours, cooing such sweet praises everytime he coaxed an orgasm out of you.

■ alastor, who's sitting behind you, leaning against the headboard as he cradles your head in his lap. giving condescending comments as you go numb in their arms.

■ they balance each other out and it works pretty well tbh

■ oh, it's going to be a long night.

this was kind of rushed and im not 100% happy with it but i had to stop the brainrot about those two

part two maybe??

[bigbigtruck]

A non-comprehensive list of favorite songs that came out in 2024

Elbow, "Things I've Been Telling Myself For Years" [YOUTUBE] alt-rock Haven't been super thrilled by the past 2 or 3 Elbow albums but they're back in fine form with Audio Vertigo. Swinging for the bleachers, getting a little weird with it again, thank god. This one's got my favorite verses on the album: I'm the dashboard hula girl of nodding self-deception Here's to never accepting slight adjustment or correction... Of course I'll live to ninety-six and fix the welfare state I'll build a house with these two hands, my face above the gate I haven't paid for cabs or beers or met a cunt in twenty years Like all that outrun poverty, all I have was coming to me Things I've been telling myself for years

TWRP, "Content 4 U" [YOUTUBE] pop Highly danceable, highly relatable. First heard this on the Digital Nightmare tour this spring. After shaking my ass and giggling into the April night air, the lyrics sink in and I'm doing that dead eyed Lisa Simpson stare at the pavement because yeah that's. That's trying to live from any creative hustle in this bitch of a 21st century. Excellent work, boys, I hate it. I love it.

St. Vincent, "Big Time Nothing" [YOUTUBE] alt-pop What's the big deal this is just "Numb" over the bass line from "Army of Me" with a little Laurie Anderson and Talking Heads thrown in and wait hold up this rules

Oranssi Pazuzu, "Muuntautuja" [YOUTUBE] (link fixed!) prog/psych/black metal Goes hard and slow. A pulsating, hypnotic onslaught of black smoke and sandpaper. The whole album's incredible but this is probably my favorite track.

Kendrick Lamar, "Euphoria" [YOUTUBE] hip hop I mean, it's Kendrick Lamar. Dude's a fuckin Godzilla across the musical landscape. "Not Like Us" was the splashier hit of the summer, but this is the one that stayed with me. (Listening again while writing this and. Jesus, It's... it's 6 solid minutes of sticking your hand right on a hot burner.)

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, "Antarctica" [YOUTUBE] southern rock A fun (ironically) warm summer jam that fuckin blew the doors off live. Easily my fave from their most recent album.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, "Wild God" [YOUTUBE] alt-rock/symphonic Really sneaks up on you, like a mumbly guy in the coffee shop. What's he writing? "Moving through your body like a prehistoric bird?" Huh, Looks intriguiOH HOLY SHIT HE HAS A CHORUS WITH HIM.

John Grant, "All That School for Nothing" [YOUTUBE] alt-pop/funk John Grant's got this particular nasty (complimentary) streak, a deep-seated gay cynicism that reminds me of Hidden Cameras at their best, but with more lush and varied instrumentals. His lyrics are always tops, and this one's no exception. The whole album, The Art of the Lie, is great, with "Marbles" being another delight.

Ninja Sex Party, "Let's Save The Earth" [YOUTUBE] comedy pop Feels silly to put this one in alongside the rest, but... I mean it's NSP. They do goofs, not a poetic dissection of the zeitgeist. I actually heard this one on tour in Fall 2022 and it brought the house down--I might actually prefer it live with audience participation TBH. This has become me and Brett's karaoke go-to.

A.G. Cook, "Soulbreaker" [YOUTUBE] electronic Deceptively simple chord progression becomes healing, memorable. The animated video for this is essential viewing, IMO. Wild art style and cool concept. This song makes me feel like things might turn out okay.

Elbow, "Balu" [YOUTUBE] alt-rock Probably my most played track of the entire year. Apparently this is a semi-fictional tribute to a beloved cousin or nephew? Once again back with the incredible lyrics. Probably my favorite line of the entire year: I'll never be home without you, but I'll never grow in your shadow. Anyway that bass/keyboard line is sending me to the center of the galaxy

[calocera]

fruit review# 46: kumquats

kumquats are not a fruit i have super strong opinions on tbh, i do like them though! i love that they are bite sized, eating them is fun. These are a weird citrus in that you eat the peel (or chew and spit it out, if you prefer) because the inside flesh is super sour, but the skin and pith are very sweet. it’s a nice flavor combination but sadly i can’t eat too many in one sitting because the skin is still very zesty (side note, i have discovered i MIGHT be allergic to citrus peel because apparently the zest making my mouth burn and feel numb isn’t normal? i thought that’s why people peeled oranges?….) anyways they are a fun snack but kinda a novelty fruit in my eyes

[strawberrystepmom]

sometimes I feel like I'm doing sex wrong cause the way you describe it is just... not my experience at all. and it makes me feel like I'm broken, like being on SSRIs for several years fucked me over :(

come sit with me, sweetheart

let me start by saying you are not broken in any way whatsoever. sex is personal by every definition of the word. your preferences, your pleasure, your interest. it can wax and wane over time. it can evolve. you can feel like a forest fire or a flickering candle, there is no right or wrong way to feel or experience sex or sexuality and you are certainly not less or broken or bad for needing to take medication to help you feel like yourself.

tbh with you - i am a sexual person. i enjoy sex but it wasn’t always like that. through most of my 20s i didn’t hate sex but didn’t find it fun, the mind numbing pleasure everyone described never really happened for me. yes i was also taking an ssri/hormonal birth control which can impact sex drive but at some point i realized something - i wasn’t thinking of sex in relation to myself and what it meant to me, i was simply performing for someone else.

so i started from scratch around 25: what did i like? what didn’t i like? what were my actual fantasies outside of the porn i thought i was supposed to like? how did i want to be touched, seen, perceived?

this self exploration changed my life and it was done completely independent of another person. sex became mine again, something meant to make me feel good. i feel a lot of people neglect what they may be actually interested in because it feels like a lot to dig into especially since sex tends to be viewed as, well, performance instead of letting the mammal you are do what it wants to do most and that’s experience things that feel good. we want to feel good! it’s our whole reason for everything most of the time!

I highly encourage focusing on your own pleasure. masturbate and not just in the way you’ve always been told you should, feel yourself out. don’t feel ashamed of what you like bc i’ve found a lot of disappointment in sex can come from internalized shame (this used to be my issue thank u Catholicism)

and like full honesty i write about highly idealized versions of sex meant for fantasy on here. i’m not gonna say i don’t borrow from irl experiences bc i do and what i write about is always about my preferences but fantasy and reality often differ. sometimes irl sex isn’t magical, sometimes it’s just release, sometimes it just doesn’t hit and dropping the expectation that it has to every time can help quell that feeling of “what’s wrong with me?”

so let me reiterate - you are not broken, you aren’t bad, you aren’t doing anything wrong. my advice here is to reconnect with yourself sexually and go from there because you are the purveyor of your own enjoyment. it’s safe, it feels good, and it’ll help you feel empowered in the future. don’t be afraid to experiment!

[shark-myths]

🍓 🥤 🌿 for the ask game!!!! <333

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

one of my favorite k facts tbh. i invented fanfiction at jesus camp with my new friend eden. we clutched each other on a hillside while a god rock band performed below, puffy with mosquito bites and illicit ideas, and whispered to one another of the members of our mutual favorite band, what if they kissed each other? we were 13 years old. camp was so in-the-middle-of-nowhere you could see the whole milky way at night, the thickness of it. the grass got wetter and wetter the longer you sat in the dark, hiding from the flashlights of your counselors. every few breaths you'd see a shooting star, til you were numb to marvel, til that was just what the night sky looked like and you expected it everywhere. it was magic and no one had ever thought of it before, boys in bands kissing. when we went home to our separate cities, i started handwriting fic (decorated with gel pen! this was the year 2003) and mailing it to her in hot pink envelopes. imagine my surprise when i discovered the internet.

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

one of my favorite fics i ever read was a girl!one direction story about squirting. here it is: you change, water sea by got2ghost

��� ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

love this question, as someone who has struggled in the workplace to maintain the same creative energy i had access to in school.

for creativity: read. read endlessly. try to understand on a granular, sentence-and-word-level, why you like the things you like; what makes a line funny, what makes a line scary, what draws you in to a writer's style vs pushes you out of it. what do the books you can't put down have in common? read things that challenge you--long-form novels, old novels, things way outside your preferred genres. and try to have lots of experiences in the time you aren't writing. try new things! paint something, walk down a block you've never been on, look in people's windows, cook a new meal, get coffee at a new place, go for a drive, listen to someone else's favorite record, listen to a record you hate actually, go to a new store and just look around, touch fabrics, dance, have conversations, travel for no reason, watch videos on youtube about new skills you don't intend to master. READ NONFICTION, especially essays. try to avoid doing the same things you're comfortable with or things that feel easy for a whole afternoon. bury yourself in sensation. chase pleasure. let yourself play.

for writer's block: write anyway--in a journal, in your fragmented notes file with ideas, edit or polish something that's already written, get one sentence out. i like to set a timer for 20 minutes and give it a proper try (this means staying off tumblr and my phone) and then, if it doesn't lead to anything, i'm off the hook guilt-free, because i made an effort. try writing in a different notebook, with a different pen, in a different place, even in a different font on your computer. set yourself challenges like, write a 100 word story. write a specific type of poem like a villanelle. respond to a prompt or create one for someone else. if there's a part of the story--or a different story--that feels more easeful to write and you're just trying to get there, skip to that part. to be quite honest, writing in a notebook away from technology is the #1 thing that helps me just keep moving. it breaks me out of distraction and perfectionism cycles. it feels good to fill pages, even if it's with words you don't even up using.

the other part is, accept that our brains won't do what they won't do. great writing is not created by use of force. the biggest thing i have learned about myself is that if i can't write, there's something wrong. maybe the characters in my story aren't making sense, maybe the plot is boring and readers will be just as bored as i am, maybe i need to go back and rewrite something to end up in a better place for the next scene, maybe i need a week off from a story because i'm burned out on it and i should write something else or nothing at all. but most often there's not something wrong with the story--there's something wrong with my life. i don't have the time or the energy; i'm giving too much of the best parts of myself to the wrong thing; i'm trying to write at the wrong time of day for my energy level; i checked my email first and now my concentration is entirely shot; i need to work fewer hours if i want to write more; i need more help around the house if i want to write more; i need to just let it be dirty for a while and skip my chores if i want to write more, etc. figuring out what you need to actually feel like writing--learn to feel that again!--and making it possible to set other things, even important things, aside in order to write when you feel it, is so huge for me. making a commitment to the practice of writing and not the product of it. if you're doing that, you can relax. take care of yourself and fix the imbalances in your life. the ideas will come. writing is organic and we are organisms. given space and time, things will always change from how they are right now. let yourself and your creative practice ebb and flow when it needs to instead of forcing it to be something it's not.

thank you for the ask darling sorry i ranted at you for twenty fucking minutes!!!

[dreamyelectronicmusic]

I'm loving your Wilmon fic so very very much! I was feeling mostly done with YR and all related media and ready to let it go - in a happy, pleased-with-season-3, it's all wrapped up and my hectic job is demanding my attention way - and then it was like your fic just broke through my walls and reminded me why I fell in love with the show and its characters. Your Wille and Simon are so good to each other. Their anticipation and nerves and exhilaration as they begin to reconnect - it's everything.

I was surprised to see it's your first YR fic! I'm curious about your story of finding the show - when did that happen for you, when did you first feel inspired to create this beautiful extension of the YR world?

Aw, thank you so much for this lovely ask, I'm so happy you like the fic! 💜💜

I discovered YR literally on day one! Or even before day one, because I remember scrolling through Netflix’s coming soon page and watching the teaser. I remember thinking it looked like an Elite-type trashy teen show but that I would probably watch it because it’s Swedish (I love Nordic languages). Then on July 1, 2021, at like 10 pm, I was looking for something to numb my brain and YR popped up on the Netflix homepage and I thought, oh I think that's the Swedish show I said I’d watch, let’s give it a try. So I watched the first episode and needless to say it did not numb my brain, I was immediately hooked. But I decided to be responsible and go to bed, and I watched eps 2-4 the next day, and then the day after that was a Saturday and beautiful weather so I went on a hike, and all the time I was trudging up hills I kept thinking “omg omg Wilhelm and Simon are so cute and August is such an asshole omg omg what is going to happen I need them to live happily ever after”. So yeah, I’ve been obsessed from the start 😂

I was never inspired to write fic for it before because I tend to prefer canon to be complete before I write anything, but mostly because I have this weird mental block about reading/writing fic in a different language than the one I consumed the original in. It just doesn’t sound right! (I watch the show in Swedish with English subtitles, so I want fics to also be in Swedish with English subtitles. Yes I know it doesn’t make sense). I guess the inspiration for ‘maybe now’ was strong enough for me to overcome that but tbh it still doesn’t sound right and I have to do weird mental gymnastics to write it 😂

Inspiration for the fic struck very shortly after the show, this is a post I made on March 19:

Ok so who's writing a fic where Simon didn't notice Wille running after the car, or noticed him but couldn't bear to talk to him again, and they have no contact for a year until Wille's decision to give up the crown is made public on his 18th birthday, prompting Simon to reach out and tell him how proud and happy for him he is?

And then I guess I didn’t wait for an answer and wrote it myself!

The inspiration came from the fact that while I love the ending we got and I am so happy that we got it, I do agree with people who think that it was rushed. Given what the first 17 episodes were like, we got the best possible episode 18, but in an ideal world, I would have liked another season, or the three seasons to have more episodes, or the episodes that we got to have a different pacing so that there was more time between the breakup and them getting back together. This is what I wrote in a reaction post after the first five episodes:

If this weren't the last season, I think I'd want them to break up now, take some time apart and get back together after some separate personal growth. But there simply isn't time for that.

One thing about me is that I love it when characters go their separate ways, have some separate growth and find out that they can live without each other, but they just really don’t want to. So in a way it’s a kind of fix-it fic for me.

Anyway, thank you for the ask and sorry I wrote a novel in response!

[maenecoon]

so like

remember how i used to be a phayurain blog -

@alittlebitofrainbyyourside inspired me, a few months ago, to write something about vampires and biting.

soo i'm thinking about sire phayu who's fangs are aching. it flares up occasionally because of his improper vampire development phase (long story short, phayu was neglected as a fledgling and thus has some "defective" vampire traits).

when phayu's fangs ache, they ache like a bitch, bc of Vampire Urges, he needs to sink his teeth into something. hard. preferably repeatedly. he'd use to teeth on wood, but it's not the most comfortable thing to chew, not to mention it doesn't taste great (phayu, having the rare vampire phenomenon of having functioning taste buds).

enter fledgling rain, who is eager to help his sire. a bit too eager. when rain's teeth ache, phayu offers him his thigh/neck to fang warm, so it's only right that rain returns the favour. he offers himself as a chew toy, baring his pale neck and blinking up at phayu innocently. waiting for phayu to use him and bite him.

phayu who might be a bit hesitant initially because he's afraid of overwhelming and hurting rain. he's extra careful with the pain control, making sure rain feels as little as possible, making sure his bite stings as less as he can make them. making careful little bites in the fat of his shoulder.

and then rain who, very rudely, grabs phayu by the hair, pulling him away from his neck. phayu who overlooks the insubordination and is just about to apologise when rain whines because phayu isn't biting hard enough!

phayu is a bit confused, but honestly, he should've seen it coming bc rain is a pain slut and he knows. i think he's just so used to being Too Much for his other partners that he treats rain the same way by default - like he's glass. (honestly phayus fault for corrupting rain tho ngl)

anyways. phayu who starts to play down the numbing effects of his bites. waiting for rain to have one of his mouthy little rants before phayu bites him down hard. rain letting out a wobbly yelp of surprise. phayu deciding he loves the way rain sounds when he cries, so pretty and wrecked. having to bite him again and again and again.

next time he won't use his aching fangs as an excuse. next time he'll bite so hard that it draws up blood, blood warm from rain's previous feed (basically, phayu's own "blood", lmao). no longer showing any inhibition when digging his fangs into rain. in fact, using his sire control to further disable rain's pain control, making the sensation of the bite feel further heightened.

(i think it'd make rain cum on the spot. phayu continuing regardless, praising rain for taking his bites so well, praising rain for being so pretty when he cries, his voice so beautiful when he screams from pain and over sensitivity.)

just! biting! biting biting biting! clearly i am missing the og vampire boys a little bit :,))

tbh,, it was thinking about vampkimchay that had me thinking back to vampphayurain (love bites au) and how i just completely stopped writing them because i couldn't get past the courting stage. the story needed to continue with phayu trying to court rain. i thought smut was the hard part to write but i didn't consider ✨feelings✨ would be the scarier thing. let's not get into how that reflects on me personally LOL but anyways!

if you're still here, thanks for listening to my rambles. the first installment of this au is linked below. i've written five parts of vampphayurain being cute/horny/trying to navigate their relationship as sire and childe, so if that interests you then maybe you could check it out 🦇

[boycritter]

1, 15, 18

what’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?

uhhhh. i have no idea. tbh :(

15. do you prefer to be numb or overly emotional? why?

numb is tolerable for longer than overly emotional

18. what is something you can’t bring yourself to get rid of?

for valentines day in 2022 my then boyfriend (who i broke up with 2 years ago)(also i hate him) gave me a stuffed minecraft bee and i still have it

[wiresister]

14, 15, 18 :p

14 ) do you enjoy being lightheartedly teased? why or why not?

Yeah i do sometimes, it depends on my mood and whos doing it and how, so i guess im a little picky about it but when its nice its really nice. i think i like doing the teasing a little more tbh.

15) do you prefer to be numb or overly emotional? why?

ive long considered (and been told) that im overly emotional but the older i get the more numb i get and on some level getting number is has more utility, like im just not bothered by nearly as much. But there was something to be said about the rawness of being very emotional that i just dont feel anymore, and i do miss that. i cant say whether i truly prefer one over the other tbh.

18) what is something you can’t bring yourself to get rid of?

materially, i have a little dog stuffie that my ex gave me when we first started dating. im very sentimental and i imprint on objects very easily so ive been attached to it as long as ive had it even though now theres a lot of bad feelings attached to it as well, and its the only object i have to remember it by. part of me wants to keep it because like, its not the stuffies fault, it didnt do anything wrong and i dont wanna abandon my kiddo :( but on the other hand i cant even bare to look at it much less keep it in my bed or hold it so im neglecting it anyways and ive been thinking about finding it a new home with someone far away from here so it can have a new life for itself, and so i can too

[falsettos-tight-knit-family]

30 Falsettos Challenge in 2 Days (Part 2)

16) A Character You'd Want To Date: Whizzer. No questions asked. Next-

17) A Character You Want To Get To Know Better: As I said before, I'd love to know more about Charlotte as a character because I love the lesbians and I feel like even Cordelia got more fleshing out than she did.

18) Best Decision Someone Made In The Musical: Jason choosing to have his Bar Mitzvah in Whizzer's hospital room is something that still emotionally pains me every time I hear that song tbh

19) One Character You'd Want To Sing With: I'd take either part in any Whizzvin duet, especially if we're talking about Christian and Andrew's versions, they both have such good voices to harmonize with.

20) Favorite Cast Member: Andrew Rannells. I became immediately obsessed with other stuff he's done (I want to watch Black Monday and The New Normal so bad, but my family doesn't have Amazon Prime). Only when I watched the Thanksgiving side by side did I realize that the entire cast is incredibly chaotic in the best of ways and has such good chemistry together.

21) To Try To Convince Someone To Watch Falsettos, What Would You Show Them? I've already done this twice with my friends, the first thing I show them is a very specific compilation on youtube (Falsettos Act 1 Moments That Make Me Scream), because it's the same way I got into Falsettos to begin with

22) Which Act Did You Prefer? In terms of just music, probably Act 1 because I always lean towards more upbeat songs and it has less of a chance to make me burst out crying while watching/listening to it. But in terms of which I'd rather watch, I'd for sure say Act 2. The lesbians are there, you get to see Marvin and Whizzer get back together along with all of his and everyone else's character development, the story is absolutely heartbreaking, and I could go on-

23) Something That Makes You Passionately Rant: There's so many details between Unlikely Lovers through the end of What Would I Do that I feel the need to rant about. This is all stream of consciousness written at 2 am, so fair warning and I hope it all makes some kind of sense. So I talked briefly about Unlikely Lovers in another question, but ever since I saw someone point out how one of the reasons Whizzer probably wanted Marvin to go home was because he didn't want Marvin to have to wake up next to him if he died in his sleep, which I believe is true and the implication that he would rather spend what is hypothetically his last night alone, than for Marvin to have to go through that hurts me so bad- I already talked about the Cordelia part, but I will bring it up again because it is literally the first time we see her sad and it needs to be acknowledged more often. Jason praying to God and asking him for something for what appears to be the first time ("I don't think we've ever really spoken"). He doesn't know if God exists, but he's praying and hoping that if He does, He can somehow help Whizzer. In the Something Bad Reprise, when Charlotte says the line about AIDS being infectious, it feels like there's hardly a reaction on Marvin's end. As if he's already lost so much in the few weeks since learning Whizzer had it, that he's either numb/not surprised anymore or just doesn't care as much if he lives or dies if Whizzer will be gone by then anyway. I don't think there's much to be pointed out about You Gotta Die Sometime, but I do want to bring up how the end of that song immediately transitions into Jason's Bar Mitzvah. Whizzer finally let himself feel scared and just had an emotional breakdown over accepting the fact that he's about to die. He was sobbing by the time the transition happened and it's still noticeable as Jason starts singing. He's terrified that he's going to die, and now everyone he cares about is suddenly here. In his hospital room. All together here to celebrate one of the most important days in Jason's life, with Whizzer, who just two years ago was only known as Marvin's male lover. The one who broke up the family. Now he was part of the family, the one bringing them all together. Again, What Would I Do is just depressing even on surface level. I know everyone says they cry over "We're just gonna skip that stage" and i understand that, I'm much more emotionally damaged by Marvin's "I'd do it again. I'd like to believe that I'd do it again and again and again" which aside from showing how much he's grown since the beginning, he's not only saying he'd go through all that drama and heartache just to be with Whizzer every single time, but he also knows at this point that he is also most likely going to die directly because he was involved with Whizzer. And still, he'd do it all again for him (As I write this I am not okay-). Oh and also, in Days Like This, right before the song starts, Marvin very clearly puts on a fake smile to try and make Whizzer feel better and it really does need to be appreciated more-

24) A Character From Another Musical You'd Like To See In Falsettos: After that essay of pure sadness, I'm gonna go for the funny route and say Elder Price, not for anything story or even character related (because idk enough about the story or characters of BoM), but purely because it's Andrew Rannells² and I think the reactions to someone who looks just like Whizzer would be funny

25) A Character You Can Identify With: As much as I'd love to say Whizzer (and I do identify with him to an extent), it has to be Cordelia. Her general aura of happiness and energy, being the only one entertained by Marvin during The Baseball Game, and awkwardly laughing at Mendel's bad jokes, all are things I heavily relate to-

26) Favorite Non-Romantic Relationship: Whizzer and Jason's stepfather-son bond. I love them so so much, I wholeheartedly think that he was Jason's best dad of the 3. He came to his baseball game, despite being broken up with his father for 2 years and even when not part of the family, made it clear to everyone that he loves Jason ("I love baseball. I love Jason" "I love Jason, but this is not his venue"). He was the one who stood up and taught him how to swing the bat correctly and supported him fully, even though he knew as well as anyone that Jason wasn't great at the game. I will never be over this

--- 27) Favorite Quote/One Part Of A Song: Well the "kill your mother" line is taken from earlier so I'll say during Everyone Tells Jason To See a Psychiatrist, from when they introduced Whizzer like a Heather and through to the end of the song. The dramatic entrance, the head flick, Whizzer’s excited smile when Jason says he’ll go, Marvin mocking Trina’s hand movements during “they don’t make house calls” it’s all great

28) Something A Character Did That Pissed You Off: Marvin hitting Trina would be too obvious and the Chess Game was a metaphor, but Marvin in This Had Better Come to a Stop when he says Whizzer should "Always be here, making dinner, set to screw" and just being generally hypocritical (ex. "Whizzer screws too much to see what a joy's monogamy" sir you cheated on your wife and want to have both her and Whizzer at the same time. Idc if it's not sexual, it sure as hell isn't traditional monogamy)

29) A Photo/Edit/Manip That Makes You Happy: Here’s a couple of many behind the scenes pictures that make me smile (yes one is technically a gif)

Can you tell I love Andrew Rannells?

30) Something Else About The Musical You Want To Add (Wildcard): You know what I'm gonna simp in the wildcard- The way Andrew says a couple of his lines, specifically in the proshot, are randomly very attractive to me. I specifically mean "Hang up your clothes Marvin, breeding shows, Marvin" in TTOFL and "Sex and games in New York City" in A Day In Falsettoland. Also, idk if this is simp worthy or not, but the higher harmonies Christian hits in some of the songs (ex. Unlikely Lovers) are so pretty and super satisfying to listen to

[transonlyspace]

is it weird that I don't get gender dysphoria... nor euphoria? like, I'm not excited when someone calls me by my current name, it just feels like they're doing the bare minimum, and that they're taking me away from my past (which is good dw). it feels like either: 1. I'm numb to the pain because personal reasons and i hate myself 2. I'm faking it 3. it's just that I'm whack and lethargic, deep down.

also kinda unrelated but related but like I'm not into trans spaces. i don't like being called trans slang, I don't feel like I'm "queer" at all, and I don't like reclaiming slurs. if i DID reclaim a slur it'd me because someone i love told me to. my feelings are best described like this:

i am so so SO sorry if my wording sounded transphobic, ita just me being weird. it's the only way i can describe it without going on "uhh uhm uhhhh" mode.

this also happens with the way my brain behaves (idk if it's neurodivergence and i just want to use ambiguous wording so that i don't get it wrong because i haven't gotten a diagnosis as for now) and while i feel like i have some sort of neurodivergence idk i just don't relate to neurodivergent stuff.

is my rambling weird or do you have an answer to it /nm

i kinda relate tbh!! i dont feel much gender euphoria nor dysphoria, but i know im not cis. im just.. something. a being that is genderful (lmao) and genderless at the same time, though our experiences differ a lot apart from that.

obviously, to each their own. everyone has different gender experiences, theres nothing wrong with wanting to go to majority cis spaces. that itself can be characterized as a form of gender euphoria, methinks.

the problem may be that trans spaces focus on transness. now im not sure what gender identity you prefer; you dont have a pinned post, but imo theres nothing wrong with being trans and just not feeling trans at the same time, iygwim

trans spaces exist due to oppresion. some trans people might not feel "trans" in way. just some person who differs from the gender they were born as. despite that being what trans is, its totally respectable!

[crimson--freak]

14 and 15 for the ask game!

14 - do you enjoy being lightheartedly teased? why or why not?

I think there are very few times when I actually enjoy it. Most of the time I try to brush it off or ignore it, but on the whole it just kind of irritates me.

15 - do you prefer to be numb or overly emotional? why?

Numb 100%, I get really uncomfortable in expressing too much emotion to people. I don’t really know why, but overall I’m not that great at hiding emotional responses so I’d go with numb tbh.