#but i preferred the numbness tbh

[angelstrawbabie420]

i love how the bones i broke at fucking 12 still ache when i do too much physically over a DECADE later

[nozomijoestar]

Took me a while to realize but I can see similarities in how Asuka seems to process grief and how Guts from Berserk also processed his grief after the Eclipse. They both get so overwhelmed by the wrong that happened to them (father's hospitalization vs the Eclipse and a lifetime of misery) their reaction isn't to seek comfort in others or help/protect their loved one who needs them after the tragedy, it's to go off and inflict their pain on others to self soothe, as if that'll release the feeling from their minds.

The difference is that Guts was called out for this by Rickert and Godo. He needed to snap out of wanting to prioritize ridding his own pain to remember Casca needed him, and that Casca even in the state she was in was all the good in his life who went through the same experience with him. Guts had to remember he loves Casca more than he wants to self destruct. Like Godo told him he was a sword called fear with cracks in it. He feared sitting with his pain and grief and seeing it on the person he loved after so much violation. He feared vulnerability.

Asuka doesn't do this reevaluatation and has no one to call her out for her self destructive coping canonically. She can't sit with anything bad or face looking at it on a loved one either. That's too bad and helpless of a feeling. She's just as much made of fear (primarily from any helplessness as much as violations of her inner ethics) which fuels her anger, but her one personal attachment to her father who needs her isn't enough to make her want to reevaluate what she does at all. Instead his tragedy is the permission she needs to self destruct and destroy in the process, not like Guts who always told himself everything was for Casca and the fallen Hawks, who always reminded himself of the pain to justify the bloodletting.

Unlike Guts I think she'd be stubborn even accepting to listen to someone pointing her behavior out. Though her anger toward Feng did start out carrying a reminder this vengeance is for Dad even if it kills her in 5, even in 5's branching narratives that excuse falls apart when she continues in the tournament for her own pleasure during her route. The moment vengeance is achieved critically injured Dad is out of her mind. Her behavior during 6 repeats this process, preferring to hurt herself and others rather than sit to process a shitty feeling over her and the world's situation. Like Guts in this state she pushes away anyone and everyone else including any comforts because the anger isn't resolved, the fear isn't resolved, the pain isn't resolved.

They're both used to everyone being against them and having to fight for survival until they found joy in it as a side effect. And because of that independence born from isolation when something like the tragedies that happened takes place they put resolving their pain not on sharing with others but into scorching the earth along with themselves.

I don't say this either to imply they're exactly alike or that they have enough similarities to make a true character comparison because they absolutely don't. There's also some stuff I'm leaving out simply because Guts is a far more complex character in ways where there's nothing from Asuka to compare against (I would say Kazuya is the closest, more fitting Tekken comparison for substituting Guts vs Asuka style notes). I just find it interesting that even across wildly different stories the outline for an angry, self destructive, terrified person who thinks self destruction makes them strong and puts them in control uses a lot of the same foundation. And the contrast in their depths really shows how far you can push the concept depending on what you want or need for the character.

[sicker-thingz]

well the downside of being off T is that i realize i DO have emotions after all and they never stopped being intense and i never learned how to cope cause i was just numbing it out. ugh. lame

[cyberm4n]

alastor and lucifer sharing you

alastor x reader x lucifer headcanons

pt2

cw: 18+, semi explicit smut? dom! alastor, dom! lucifer, alastor basically pitches a hinge relationship

■ alastor and lucifer had known this was a long time coming.

■ between the gifts lucifer makes you and the little friendly affections alastor only gave you, it didn't take long for either of them to realize the predicament.

■ at first, neither want to share, and neither are entertaining the idea of the other having you.

■ however alastor gets an idea as lucifer is arguing he'd be the most likely to please me the most

■ alastor has never been a fan of touch, not that he would deny intimacy with you, but he definitely doesn't prefer it.

■ but standing infront of him is a man who prides himself on treating his partners well, both in and outside of the bedroom.

■ i imagine in this scenario alastor is less concerned about being your partner but more about making sure lucifer can't have you all to himself

■ alastor doesn't like to share, but if it means he gets to have possession of you without the intimacy, he's going to take it.

"maybe there's a simple compromise here after all" alastor says, looking down at the man standing before him, lucifer sighing in frustration.

"oh really? and what would you propose?" he says with snark, not expecting what alastor suggests even a little.

■ it's a simple arrangement, really.

■ lucifer gets to do whatever he wants, gets to have you, but alastor gets to watch and maybe occasionally participate

■ but of course, they have to convince you too.

"i— you guys want to what?" you'd say, they'd both approached you while you were in your room. you sat on the small couch while they sat across from you on the bed.

"darling," alastor would tut, giving you a look "it's a simple question. yes or no" he says, and it's getting harder to ignore the hand lucifer had placed on your thigh, slowly working it's way up.

they'd started out this conversation by explicitly stating if you were uncomfortable at all, everything stops no questions asked.

but they wanted to hear you say yes.

■ i think they'd be like "good cop, bad cop"

■ lucifer, who's been between your thighs for what feels like hours, cooing such sweet praises everytime he coaxed an orgasm out of you.

■ alastor, who's sitting behind you, leaning against the headboard as he cradles your head in his lap. giving condescending comments as you go numb in their arms.

■ they balance each other out and it works pretty well tbh

■ oh, it's going to be a long night.

this was kind of rushed and im not 100% happy with it but i had to stop the brainrot about those two

part two maybe??

[swimmingismywholelife]

The Only Reason

Summary: Even though your relationship with Christian has been rocky, neither of you are willing to go down without a fight.

Warnings: 18+, arguments, panic attack, a lot of crying, angst but a fluffy (if you can call it that I guess) ending, SMUT, some dirty talk, soft dom!Chris, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it and make sure you're not allergic to your wrap!), fingering, oral (f receiving), creampie, the smut is sweet tbh

WC: 4.4K

A/N: It's my birthday but this is a present for all of you! Inspired by "The Only Reason" by 5 Seconds of Summer. My first attempt at smut which lowkey I wasn't supposed to add but it fit anyway. This is a step considering I'm openly horny on main now so you might see more in the future 👀. I literally changed it 1274045923845 times but I'm happy with the way it turned out so I hope you guys think it's good-

"Even though my dizzy head is numb

I swear my heart is never giving up.

You're the reason

The only reason."

~~~

The front door slammed shut, indicating Christian was finally home from training. You sighed, praying this would blow over quickly so you could enjoy your dinner.

The past few weeks had been incredibly frustrating for the both of you. Chelsea had been on a losing streak with hardly any goals and Christian hardly got any play time. He was in the middle of trying to negotiate some sort of deal with the club, either to transfer or give him more playing time. Although it wasn't the option he preferred, it was likely he'd be transferred somewhere else soon, and with that contract talks had to be opened. He loved Chelsea, but the club didn't seem to return that love to him. It heavily weighed on Christian's mind, slowly draining him of the love he had for the sport, sending him deeper into a depressive and angry spiral causing him lash out on everyone.

On top of that, your own stresses had started building up. Your workload had tripled due to you being short staffed. Every time you thought you were done with a project, a modification was added or a brand new one was added to your list of things to do. You were working overtime almost every single day and you were close to ripping your hair out.

Between your work and Christian's training, you'd hardly seen each other over the past few months. He'd been extra short with you recently, something that was pretty unusual for Christian. You were typically the one who struggled to keep your anger in check, but these days it seemed your boyfriend could give you a run for your money. Most days you spent sleeping away from each other as opposed to being cuddled in each others arms. During the very brief moments you did end up spending time together, more often than not it resulted in some kind of an argument.

You both agreed earlier that morning that you were in desperate need of some kind of date night to ease your minds and to spend time together. You decided that a simple dinner would be sufficient enough. It was something small, you wouldn't have to go anywhere, and it was always one of your favorite date ideas since you'd gotten together. You were excited to finally spend time with your boyfriend even if it wasn't anything fancy.

But you knew by the way Christian slammed the door that he thought otherwise. He angrily threw his training bag to the side, grumbling to himself.

"Chris, it doesn't do you any good to pace angrily around the house," you sighed. "At least come eat and try to take your mind off things."

It seemed you only made him angrier.

"God, what don't you get?!" he snapped back. "Fucking food isn't gonna help the situation. Our team is shit, this situation is shit, everything is shit!"

You stood up from your place at the table, upset with Christian for yelling at you when you just wanted to help.

"I understand you're frustrated with everything, but don't take it out on me!" you yelled back. "All I'm trying to do is help you. I'm not a fucking emotional punching bag for you to take your shit out on Christian!"

He slammed his hands on the table, the sound echoing throughout the entire house. It startled you. Christian wasn't one to express his anger through violence like this.

"Why do I even keep fucking trying with you?! All you do is nag and nag and nag! You keep 'trying to help' but you're not!" he screamed back. "All you do is get in my face of 'oh Christian do this,' 'oh Christian try and do that.' Get out of my face for once I'm fucking tired of it!"

You were stunned. Your heart with each word Christian spat out at you. You loved him, but you knew you didn't deserve what he'd been giving you for the past few months.

"Fine. I'll 'get out of your face,'" you said calmly.

"Actually you know what? I'll do it myself. Being in here suffocates me," he said venomously, grabbing his keys and storming out the house.

You moved into the bedroom the two of you shared. What once felt like home to you felt like a prison suffocating you the longer you stood in it. And you just fell to your knees and cried.

You couldn't pinpoint the exact moment where it all started going wrong. You and Christian weren't perfect of course, but you just worked. You understood each other like no one else. You'd experienced things together that you'd never had with other people. You hadn't grown up with Christian in the past, but that didn't matter. He was your present and was going to be your future.

But that was then. Somewhere along the way, things changed. Nowadays he barely made time for you. He was gone before you woke up and you were asleep before he came home. Date nights were nonexistent, special occasions stopped being special. You couldn't keep begging for his attention, wondering if this time would be enough to keep it.

You didn't want things to end. That was absolutely the last thing you wanted to do. You loved Christian with everything you had. But you were the only one trying and you both knew that. Somewhere Christian just fell out of love with you while you were desperately trying to grasp onto something. But it was no use. He was gone a long time ago.

Christian was in the middle of figuring out the trajectory of his career, unsure if he was to wait out his contract with Chelsea for the next season or leave for a club that truly appreciated him. And pretty soon, he would be flying back to the States for international break. The last thing you wanted to do was add onto the stress Christian was feeling.

But how long would you have to keep sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of his?

Christian didn't come home that night, nor the night after that, nor the night after that. Not that you really expected him to. He hadn't been home all that much anyway, and even while he was there physically, he wasn't there. So sleeping alone in your bed wasn't that much of a foreign feeling anymore anyway. And the longer he was away, the foggier your mind became. The answer was right there in front of you. This was Christian blatantly telling you how he felt about your relationship. Right?

It wasn't until about a week later that Christian had contacted you, letting you know he'd be coming back that night. You mentally prepared yourself for the worst.

The door opened, causing you to snap out of your thoughts. You could hear the clattering of the keys being placed on the table and footsteps heading up the stairs.

The lights flickered in your bedroom. Your eyes met his, startling him.

"Oh hey, I didn't realize you'd still be up," Christian said surprised, removing his jacket and placing it on a chair.

"We need to talk Christian," you said, trying to prevent your voice from wavering.

"We'll talk in the morning, Y/N. It's kind of late and I don't want another fight right now," he responded.

"I'm serious Christian," you answered, feeling your heart breaking already. "And I don't think this can wait until morning."

"Why do you keep using my full name?" Christian asked uncomfortably. "You only use it like this when something's really wrong."

You didn't answer. Instead you got up from your place on the bed and hugged his waist, completely breaking down. You felt like you couldn't breathe through all the tears and the pain you felt. Your body gave out as you fell to the ground, taking Christian with you.

For a second time that night, Christian was surprised. He immediately wrapped his arms around you, kissing your head.

"Hey, hey, baby what's wrong? What's going on?" he asked.

You couldn't get the words out. You only cried harder as he led you back to your bed. You took in this moment with him, not knowing if this was the last night you would sharing with him. You tried to memorize the scent of his favorite cologne, how perfectly you fit into his arms, the way his kisses felt. You wanted to remember how safe you felt with Christian and how your heart longed for him to come home to you.

"It's okay, baby, it's okay. I'm right here. I won't ever let anything hurt you," he said, trying to soothe you.

Little did he realize he was the reason you were hurting so much.

You held Christian close to you as the weight of your decision started to kick in. You wanted nothing more in this world than to be with Christian. He meant everything to you. You wanted it all with him. You wanted to marry him one day, carry his children, grow old together. You wanted to wear his last name to every game he played, to support him as he reached all his dreams. You could have nothing but Christian and you would be perfectly content.

Your mother had told you growing up that every scenario that came your way had three answers: yes, no, or wait. And you so desperately wanted to believe Christian was your sign that being patient was worth it. That waiting would be worth it. That one day it would bring you the happiness you craved and you deserved.

But how long were you supposed to wait? How long had you waited for him to fulfill his promises? How long had you been patient with him? How long had you stayed loyal every time he'd taken his anger out on you? How long had you been contemplating if you were worth saving? Was this just patience or were you holding onto something that you should've let go of a long time ago?

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier baby," he said, stroking your hair trying to soothe you. "I didn't mean it. I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry."

You couldn't get words out. You needed just one last night to call yourself his before you could make your final decision.

"Just hold me please," you sobbed out, gripping his body as hard as you could.

"I'll do whatever you need baby. I'm right here. I'll always be right here."

Christian was scared. He didn't fully understand what was going on or why you were crying the way you were. But he knew something was off and something was wrong. So he just held you as you let out all the emotions you'd been feeling for weeks.

Christian knew it was more serious than he initially thought when you kept crying for over an hour. He didn't realize how absent he'd been from your life until then. How long had you been feeling such emotional turmoil? What else had he missed? Why were you crying this hard for so long?

Truthfully, he was afraid to find out. As shitty of a boyfriend he'd been over the past few weeks, Christian loved you with every fiber of his being. The last thing he wanted to do was lose you, the relationship you'd built up for years together.

But he knew the likelihood of a break up was probably looming in your mind. Was this it? Was this a sign that something was coming to an end? He didn't want to know. He knew you two needed to talk, especially after the way he walked out. But he was afraid of the outcome.

So he just held you close to him, praying this wouldn't be the last time he got to feel you like this. He took in your scent, trying to memorize the way you felt in his arms. He left kisses on your forehead, shoulders, and cheeks, wiping the tears away as he went.

You eventually calmed down, your grip on Christian never loosening.

"Christian I-" you gasped out.

"It's okay baby, take your time. You don't have to rush anything you don't want to," he whispered gently, kissing your forehead again.

"I'm sorry," you said quietly.

"Baby, you have nothing to be sorry about," he said. "If anything, I should be the one who's sorry. I've been such a horrible boyfriend. I shouldn't have said what I said, I shouldn't have done what I did."

"Christian…" you trailed.

"Shh, it's okay baby. It's okay. We don't have to talk about this right now. We can talk about this in the morning. Just let me hold you right now. Everything is going to be okay," he said softly.

"Chris I'm scared," you whispered.

His heart broke a little knowing you were scared of what morning would entail.

"I'm scared too baby. I'm so fucking scared," he admitted. "But we'll talk about this when it comes okay? Just be here with me now. Nothing else is going to hurt you tonight I promise."

The two of you were laying on your side facing each other. Your head was tucked into his chest, tears flowing every so often. Christian never once let go, not even when his arms started going numb. You were afraid to close your eyes, scared that Christian would be gone the moment you opened them.

Your body stopped shaking and you eventually stopped crying during the early morning hours. You were quiet. And if he didn't know you well, Christian would've believed you were asleep.

But he knew better. He knew that you couldn't sleep because neither could he. Just two souls barely hanging on by a thread not knowing how to fix it.

Did you want to fix things? Or were things so far gone there was nothing you could do anymore? Was this still worth it? Was a future still possible? Would love be enough to save this?

You were set on breaking up with him the night before. You were so sure that's what you wanted. But under the moonlight that peaked through your window, you didn't know what to do anymore. Your head was dizzy with thoughts and you couldn't think clearly anymore.

"Christian?" you called out quietly.

"Yeah?"

"What are we doing?"

His body tensed at the question. He was quiet at first, not wanting to say the wrong thing. He knew this was it. His answer would either make or break your relationship.

"I don't know baby," he answered honestly.

You nestled your head further into his chest.

"I don't want to keep doing this. Guessing if you still want us. You're either in or you're out Chris. I don't want to keep playing your games."

Christian had to stop himself from letting out a sob and took a deep breath. You didn't trust him or his words anymore. And realizing that absolutely broke his heart.

"Can you look at me Y/N?" he asked.

You hesitated for a moment before lifting your head. Christian cupped your cheek with his hand, gently rubbing his thumb back and forth. He rested his forehead on yours.

"You don't have to say anything okay? Just hear me out. I know I've been a shitty boyfriend. I know I haven't been there for you. I haven't treated you well. I've lashed out on you when you've done nothing but love and support me. Through all the shit the world's thrown at me this season, you've been everything I need and more. And I haven't appreciated that. And you deserve so much more than what I've been giving you."

Christian stopped for a moment, taking the opportunity to look at you. How could he have hurt you so bad? How could he let everything slip between his fingers?

"I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I'm sorry that you've lost trust in my words. You always tell me that my words, my actions, and my intentions need to line up and they haven't been and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry I've broken so many promises. And most of all, I'm sorry that you're hurting and I'm the cause of it when I told you I'd never let anyone hurt you. I failed to see what was right in front of me and I've taken you for granted and I'm so sorry."

A tear fell from your eye, quickly caught by Christian's thumb.

"I don't deserve you. I really don't. You know that and I know that better than anyone."

He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead further into yours.

"But please don't give up on us. I know you can't trust my words right now, but I swear to you I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I can't let you go. Not now and not ever. No more games. No more confusion. No more trying to guess where my head and where my heart stand with you. Right here, right now, forever and always I'm with you. My head is with you. My heart is with you. All of me is with you. And I promise I'll prove it every day for as long as I live. So please. Give me one last chance to be with you."

You didn't know what to say. You didn't know what you wanted anymore. How could you trust him? He was saying all the right words, but did he really mean it? Were they more empty words?

Yes, no, or wait. Just like your mother said. But you'd waited so long that it seemed almost futile. Had you been wasting your time? Or was this what you were meant to do?

And though your head was fighting with itself, dizzy and numb from the constant questions running around, you knew where your heart lied. So you did the only thing you felt could portray how you felt enough to give him and answer.

You lifted your chin and kissed him deeply, wrapping your arms around his neck. His grip on your cheek was firm, bringing you as close as you could physically get. The tears wouldn't stop flowing from either of your faces, but none of that mattered. What mattered was here and now.

Yes, no, or wait. And you finally got your answer.

He kissed you like you were the oxygen he needed to breathe. And truthfully, he needed you to breathe.

You pulled back ever so slightly, just enough for you to be able to talk.

"You get one chance at this Chris. Only one," you said breathlessly. "Don't waste it."

His lips were back on yours in response, his teeth tugging on your bottom lip. You let out a soft moan as he pushed you onto your back, settling himself in between your legs. He pulled back keeping his forehead to yours breathing heavily.

"I love you Y/N. I love you so much you don't even know," he said. "I won't waste it. Not ever again."

You grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to your lips, needing to feel him closer. Your hands traveled underneath his shirt, nails scratching his skin lightly as they roamed his chest.

Christian pulled back from you for a moment to rip his shirt off before attaching his lips back to yours, giving you more access to him. You couldn't keep your hands off each other, your legs wrapping around his hips to bring you even closer to him.

"Chris," you whispered. "I need-"

"I know baby," he answered. "I know. Let me take care of you."

You whimpered beneath him as his lips moved to your neck, leaving a trail of marks as he gave you sloppy but gentle kisses. He bit down on the spot just below your ear, causing you to let out a loud moan.

"Does that feel good baby?" he whispered into your ear, sending shivers down your spine that resonated throughout your whole body.

"God yes Chris it feels so good please," you begged beneath him.

His hands grabbed the bottom of your shirt, bringing it over your head and pressing his chest against yours as he kissed your lips gently.

"So fucking beautiful. And all mine," he said to himself.

His lips returned to your neck, this time the trail leading to your breasts. You gasped as you felt his tongue along your nipple, pressing yourself further into his mouth. You only squirmed more as he moved to your other side, your fingers tangled in his hair tugging lightly. He kissed down your torso until he reached the band of your shorts.

"May I?" he asked softly.

You nodded your head frantically.

"Words baby." His fingers hooked into them, toying with the fabric. "You know the drill. I can't give you what you want unless you tell me."

"Yes please," you whined, wiggling your hips in the hopes of getting the clothing off you faster.

"Please what Y/N?"

"Please take them off Chris please. I wanna feel you on my pussy please, please, please."

"Good girl."

He slowly slid your shorts down, taking a little too long for your liking. He kissed down your stomach, loving how you were falling apart beneath him.

His fingers rubbed over the dark spot of your underwear. You gasped, hands grabbing the sheets tightly. He moved his fingers almost in a trance watching as the patch grew darker and larger.

"You're so fucking wet baby. You like it when I touch you like this?" he chuckled.

"Yes I love feeling you play with my pussy!" you moaned, grinding your hips against his fingers.

Christian pulled your underwear to the side. You shivered in anticipation as you felt Christian's breath on your lips.

"Can I taste you?" he asked, running his fingers through your folds.

"God yes! Please let me feel your tongue," you begged, lacing your fingers through his hair to bring him closer.

"As you wish princess."

Your back arched the moment his tongue made contact with you. He licked from the bottom all the way to your clit, lightly sucking on it. You moaned tugging at his curls. The louder you moaned, the faster he went alternating between licking and sucking. Your thighs closed around his head as you pushed him closer to you.

You were so lost in the pleasure that you were surprised when Christian inserted two of his fingers into your folds. You moaned even louder at the intrusion.

"God Christian more please. Please I need more!"

You were begging, but you didn't even know what you were begging for. You just wanted him to keep going.

Christian was enjoying every second of this. He loved watching you fall apart beneath him.

"You need more baby? So greedy. My tongue sucking on your clit and my fingers deep inside your pussy. What else could you want?" he teased, picking up the speed as he fucked you with his fingers.

You couldn't form any proper sentences anymore. Incoherent noises left your mouth as your body started shaking uncontrollably, eyes rolling to the back of your head.

"Damn baby you're shaking. Are you close already? I've barely even done anything," he mused, inserting a third finger and fucking you even faster.

"God I'm so fucking close please let me cum! Please please please I need to cum please Christian please!" you all but screamed.

"Shh, it's okay. You can cum baby. Let it go for me," he said softly.

Your vision went blank as you came, your hands grasping at Christian's curls to anchor you to reality. Your legs shook violently as Christian continued coaxing your climax out of you, only slowing down as your body started spasming with overstimulation.

"Christian I need more," you whined, gasping for air.

"I know baby, I know. I'll take good care of you," he said. "I'm right here okay?"

Christian kissed your lips gently, making your heart flutter. He softly caressed your face admiring how you glowed under the moonlight. You melted under his gaze holding him close to you.

"You okay?" he asked.

You nodded, giving him the go ahead. He moved back just enough to remove his bottoms before taking his place between your legs again. He placed both of his hands gently on your cheeks, resting his forehead against yours. He looked deep into your eyes as his thrusted his hips into yours. You gasped into his mouth as he picked up the speed, grinding slow but deep.

"I love you Christian," you moaned breathlessly.

"I love you Y/N," he responded. "I love you so much. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm sorry I made you feel otherwise. And I'll spend the rest of my life proving my worth to you."

The room was quiet except for the skin slapping against each other and the soft gasps you let out. You grabbed Christian's neck, bringing him as close as you possibly could. You needed him in every sense of the word, wanting to feel every inch of his skin on yours. He was yours and you were his. Your bodies intertwined in the same way your souls had all those years ago and that was all you really needed.

"Chris I need-" you were cut off with a particularly deep thrust making you moan, tugging at the curls on the nape of Christian's neck.

"I'm close too baby. Cum with me. Become one with me Y/N."

You had one of the strongest orgasms you'd ever had in your life. Your chest pressed into his as his cum filled you up, clenching your pussy around him. You held each other tightly, afraid to lose one another as space came between you.

The both of you laid there for a moment, basking in the afterglow of being so intimate. You gasped into each others mouths as your heartrates began to slow down ever so slightly.

"God you're so beautiful. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen," Christian said in awe of you.

You flushed beneath him becoming shy.

"Babe you just came all over my dick. You really shouldn't be that shy," he said cheekily. You scoffed and hit his chest slightly.

"You're actually ridiculous," you said lovingly, pressing your lips to his for a quick kiss.

He pecked you once more before pulling out of you. He got up, grabbing a towel and gently cleaning your body. He left kisses as he went, worshipping your body. Once he was done, he laid on his back bringing your head onto his chest. He kissed the top of your head as you tucked yourself beneath his arm.

"Are we okay Christian?" you asked meekly.

"Yeah baby. We're okay. We're gonna be okay."

Taglist: @pulisicsgirl @chelseagirl98 @thoseboysinblue @neverinadream @lizzypotter14 @masonsrem @masonspulisic @notsoattractivearenti @lovelynikol16 @bracedes @mortirolo @nyctophilic0vitnir

[strawberrystepmom]

sometimes I feel like I'm doing sex wrong cause the way you describe it is just... not my experience at all. and it makes me feel like I'm broken, like being on SSRIs for several years fucked me over :(

come sit with me, sweetheart

let me start by saying you are not broken in any way whatsoever. sex is personal by every definition of the word. your preferences, your pleasure, your interest. it can wax and wane over time. it can evolve. you can feel like a forest fire or a flickering candle, there is no right or wrong way to feel or experience sex or sexuality and you are certainly not less or broken or bad for needing to take medication to help you feel like yourself.

tbh with you - i am a sexual person. i enjoy sex but it wasn’t always like that. through most of my 20s i didn’t hate sex but didn’t find it fun, the mind numbing pleasure everyone described never really happened for me. yes i was also taking an ssri/hormonal birth control which can impact sex drive but at some point i realized something - i wasn’t thinking of sex in relation to myself and what it meant to me, i was simply performing for someone else.

so i started from scratch around 25: what did i like? what didn’t i like? what were my actual fantasies outside of the porn i thought i was supposed to like? how did i want to be touched, seen, perceived?

this self exploration changed my life and it was done completely independent of another person. sex became mine again, something meant to make me feel good. i feel a lot of people neglect what they may be actually interested in because it feels like a lot to dig into especially since sex tends to be viewed as, well, performance instead of letting the mammal you are do what it wants to do most and that’s experience things that feel good. we want to feel good! it’s our whole reason for everything most of the time!

I highly encourage focusing on your own pleasure. masturbate and not just in the way you’ve always been told you should, feel yourself out. don’t feel ashamed of what you like bc i’ve found a lot of disappointment in sex can come from internalized shame (this used to be my issue thank u Catholicism)

and like full honesty i write about highly idealized versions of sex meant for fantasy on here. i’m not gonna say i don’t borrow from irl experiences bc i do and what i write about is always about my preferences but fantasy and reality often differ. sometimes irl sex isn’t magical, sometimes it’s just release, sometimes it just doesn’t hit and dropping the expectation that it has to every time can help quell that feeling of “what’s wrong with me?”

so let me reiterate - you are not broken, you aren’t bad, you aren’t doing anything wrong. my advice here is to reconnect with yourself sexually and go from there because you are the purveyor of your own enjoyment. it’s safe, it feels good, and it’ll help you feel empowered in the future. don’t be afraid to experiment!

[shark-myths]

🍓 🥤 🌿 for the ask game!!!! <333

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

one of my favorite k facts tbh. i invented fanfiction at jesus camp with my new friend eden. we clutched each other on a hillside while a god rock band performed below, puffy with mosquito bites and illicit ideas, and whispered to one another of the members of our mutual favorite band, what if they kissed each other? we were 13 years old. camp was so in-the-middle-of-nowhere you could see the whole milky way at night, the thickness of it. the grass got wetter and wetter the longer you sat in the dark, hiding from the flashlights of your counselors. every few breaths you'd see a shooting star, til you were numb to marvel, til that was just what the night sky looked like and you expected it everywhere. it was magic and no one had ever thought of it before, boys in bands kissing. when we went home to our separate cities, i started handwriting fic (decorated with gel pen! this was the year 2003) and mailing it to her in hot pink envelopes. imagine my surprise when i discovered the internet.

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

one of my favorite fics i ever read was a girl!one direction story about squirting. here it is: you change, water sea by got2ghost

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

love this question, as someone who has struggled in the workplace to maintain the same creative energy i had access to in school.

for creativity: read. read endlessly. try to understand on a granular, sentence-and-word-level, why you like the things you like; what makes a line funny, what makes a line scary, what draws you in to a writer's style vs pushes you out of it. what do the books you can't put down have in common? read things that challenge you--long-form novels, old novels, things way outside your preferred genres. and try to have lots of experiences in the time you aren't writing. try new things! paint something, walk down a block you've never been on, look in people's windows, cook a new meal, get coffee at a new place, go for a drive, listen to someone else's favorite record, listen to a record you hate actually, go to a new store and just look around, touch fabrics, dance, have conversations, travel for no reason, watch videos on youtube about new skills you don't intend to master. READ NONFICTION, especially essays. try to avoid doing the same things you're comfortable with or things that feel easy for a whole afternoon. bury yourself in sensation. chase pleasure. let yourself play.

for writer's block: write anyway--in a journal, in your fragmented notes file with ideas, edit or polish something that's already written, get one sentence out. i like to set a timer for 20 minutes and give it a proper try (this means staying off tumblr and my phone) and then, if it doesn't lead to anything, i'm off the hook guilt-free, because i made an effort. try writing in a different notebook, with a different pen, in a different place, even in a different font on your computer. set yourself challenges like, write a 100 word story. write a specific type of poem like a villanelle. respond to a prompt or create one for someone else. if there's a part of the story--or a different story--that feels more easeful to write and you're just trying to get there, skip to that part. to be quite honest, writing in a notebook away from technology is the #1 thing that helps me just keep moving. it breaks me out of distraction and perfectionism cycles. it feels good to fill pages, even if it's with words you don't even up using.

the other part is, accept that our brains won't do what they won't do. great writing is not created by use of force. the biggest thing i have learned about myself is that if i can't write, there's something wrong. maybe the characters in my story aren't making sense, maybe the plot is boring and readers will be just as bored as i am, maybe i need to go back and rewrite something to end up in a better place for the next scene, maybe i need a week off from a story because i'm burned out on it and i should write something else or nothing at all. but most often there's not something wrong with the story--there's something wrong with my life. i don't have the time or the energy; i'm giving too much of the best parts of myself to the wrong thing; i'm trying to write at the wrong time of day for my energy level; i checked my email first and now my concentration is entirely shot; i need to work fewer hours if i want to write more; i need more help around the house if i want to write more; i need to just let it be dirty for a while and skip my chores if i want to write more, etc. figuring out what you need to actually feel like writing--learn to feel that again!--and making it possible to set other things, even important things, aside in order to write when you feel it, is so huge for me. making a commitment to the practice of writing and not the product of it. if you're doing that, you can relax. take care of yourself and fix the imbalances in your life. the ideas will come. writing is organic and we are organisms. given space and time, things will always change from how they are right now. let yourself and your creative practice ebb and flow when it needs to instead of forcing it to be something it's not.

thank you for the ask darling sorry i ranted at you for twenty fucking minutes!!!

[dreamyelectronicmusic]

I'm loving your Wilmon fic so very very much! I was feeling mostly done with YR and all related media and ready to let it go - in a happy, pleased-with-season-3, it's all wrapped up and my hectic job is demanding my attention way - and then it was like your fic just broke through my walls and reminded me why I fell in love with the show and its characters. Your Wille and Simon are so good to each other. Their anticipation and nerves and exhilaration as they begin to reconnect - it's everything.

I was surprised to see it's your first YR fic! I'm curious about your story of finding the show - when did that happen for you, when did you first feel inspired to create this beautiful extension of the YR world?

Aw, thank you so much for this lovely ask, I'm so happy you like the fic! 💜💜

I discovered YR literally on day one! Or even before day one, because I remember scrolling through Netflix’s coming soon page and watching the teaser. I remember thinking it looked like an Elite-type trashy teen show but that I would probably watch it because it’s Swedish (I love Nordic languages). Then on July 1, 2021, at like 10 pm, I was looking for something to numb my brain and YR popped up on the Netflix homepage and I thought, oh I think that's the Swedish show I said I’d watch, let’s give it a try. So I watched the first episode and needless to say it did not numb my brain, I was immediately hooked. But I decided to be responsible and go to bed, and I watched eps 2-4 the next day, and then the day after that was a Saturday and beautiful weather so I went on a hike, and all the time I was trudging up hills I kept thinking “omg omg Wilhelm and Simon are so cute and August is such an asshole omg omg what is going to happen I need them to live happily ever after”. So yeah, I’ve been obsessed from the start 😂

I was never inspired to write fic for it before because I tend to prefer canon to be complete before I write anything, but mostly because I have this weird mental block about reading/writing fic in a different language than the one I consumed the original in. It just doesn’t sound right! (I watch the show in Swedish with English subtitles, so I want fics to also be in Swedish with English subtitles. Yes I know it doesn’t make sense). I guess the inspiration for ‘maybe now’ was strong enough for me to overcome that but tbh it still doesn’t sound right and I have to do weird mental gymnastics to write it 😂

Inspiration for the fic struck very shortly after the show, this is a post I made on March 19:

Ok so who's writing a fic where Simon didn't notice Wille running after the car, or noticed him but couldn't bear to talk to him again, and they have no contact for a year until Wille's decision to give up the crown is made public on his 18th birthday, prompting Simon to reach out and tell him how proud and happy for him he is?

And then I guess I didn’t wait for an answer and wrote it myself!

The inspiration came from the fact that while I love the ending we got and I am so happy that we got it, I do agree with people who think that it was rushed. Given what the first 17 episodes were like, we got the best possible episode 18, but in an ideal world, I would have liked another season, or the three seasons to have more episodes, or the episodes that we got to have a different pacing so that there was more time between the breakup and them getting back together. This is what I wrote in a reaction post after the first five episodes:

If this weren't the last season, I think I'd want them to break up now, take some time apart and get back together after some separate personal growth. But there simply isn't time for that.

One thing about me is that I love it when characters go their separate ways, have some separate growth and find out that they can live without each other, but they just really don’t want to. So in a way it’s a kind of fix-it fic for me.

Anyway, thank you for the ask and sorry I wrote a novel in response!

[maenecoon]

so like

remember how i used to be a phayurain blog -

@alittlebitofrainbyyourside inspired me, a few months ago, to write something about vampires and biting.

soo i'm thinking about sire phayu who's fangs are aching. it flares up occasionally because of his improper vampire development phase (long story short, phayu was neglected as a fledgling and thus has some "defective" vampire traits).

when phayu's fangs ache, they ache like a bitch, bc of Vampire Urges, he needs to sink his teeth into something. hard. preferably repeatedly. he'd use to teeth on wood, but it's not the most comfortable thing to chew, not to mention it doesn't taste great (phayu, having the rare vampire phenomenon of having functioning taste buds).

enter fledgling rain, who is eager to help his sire. a bit too eager. when rain's teeth ache, phayu offers him his thigh/neck to fang warm, so it's only right that rain returns the favour. he offers himself as a chew toy, baring his pale neck and blinking up at phayu innocently. waiting for phayu to use him and bite him.

phayu who might be a bit hesitant initially because he's afraid of overwhelming and hurting rain. he's extra careful with the pain control, making sure rain feels as little as possible, making sure his bite stings as less as he can make them. making careful little bites in the fat of his shoulder.

and then rain who, very rudely, grabs phayu by the hair, pulling him away from his neck. phayu who overlooks the insubordination and is just about to apologise when rain whines because phayu isn't biting hard enough!

phayu is a bit confused, but honestly, he should've seen it coming bc rain is a pain slut and he knows. i think he's just so used to being Too Much for his other partners that he treats rain the same way by default - like he's glass. (honestly phayus fault for corrupting rain tho ngl)

anyways. phayu who starts to play down the numbing effects of his bites. waiting for rain to have one of his mouthy little rants before phayu bites him down hard. rain letting out a wobbly yelp of surprise. phayu deciding he loves the way rain sounds when he cries, so pretty and wrecked. having to bite him again and again and again.

next time he won't use his aching fangs as an excuse. next time he'll bite so hard that it draws up blood, blood warm from rain's previous feed (basically, phayu's own "blood", lmao). no longer showing any inhibition when digging his fangs into rain. in fact, using his sire control to further disable rain's pain control, making the sensation of the bite feel further heightened.

(i think it'd make rain cum on the spot. phayu continuing regardless, praising rain for taking his bites so well, praising rain for being so pretty when he cries, his voice so beautiful when he screams from pain and over sensitivity.)

just! biting! biting biting biting! clearly i am missing the og vampire boys a little bit :,))

tbh,, it was thinking about vampkimchay that had me thinking back to vampphayurain (love bites au) and how i just completely stopped writing them because i couldn't get past the courting stage. the story needed to continue with phayu trying to court rain. i thought smut was the hard part to write but i didn't consider ✨feelings✨ would be the scarier thing. let's not get into how that reflects on me personally LOL but anyways!

if you're still here, thanks for listening to my rambles. the first installment of this au is linked below. i've written five parts of vampphayurain being cute/horny/trying to navigate their relationship as sire and childe, so if that interests you then maybe you could check it out 🦇

[sgtpeppers]

is it okay to ask how you got your diagnosis?

Yeah, absolutely! I got diagnosed last year, had my first flare up in Sept and it just felt like really bad pins and needles in my leg. I thought it was a trapped nerve or something so just ignored it lmao. That cleared up within a week.

Then about a month later I ended up in hospital because the entire right side of my body went numb and I thought I was having a stroke at first. Luckily they ruled that out quickly.

From there it was a bunch of MRIs and other tests, and I got my diagnoses at the end of the year.

There's a lot of waiting for appointments to come through and explaining the same things to different doctors over and over again, and it was a bit frustrating tbh, but reading other people's experiences I think I actually got mine very quickly in comparison.

If you have any other questions I'm happy to talk about it - you can ask privately if you prefer. I am still figuring a lot of it out myself though so I'm not an expert or anything!

[lilyofthevalley-s]

Voices In My Head Again

Trapped in a war inside my own skin.

Welcome! You’ve found my headmates’ blog. Please, meet the Flower Fields’ — this is what I call my headspace — inhabitants.

WARNING!!! THIS IS OUT OF DATE!!!! THREE NEW HEADMATES NEED TO BE ADDED, AND A NEW POST NEEDS TO BE MADE FOR THE OTHERS.

SPROUT (🌱)

This is host! My name is Sprout, and I am a 14 year old girl who (probably) has ADHD and autism. Please be careful with my emotions. My entire body is contradicting. I’m oversensitive, but I’m always numb, all at once. I don’t know how to describe it.

~ I use she/they/it pronouns

~ DO NOT FLIRT WITH ME.

~ I enjoy talking to people!!! Please come talk to me!!!!

SARVENTE (🩷)

Hello! My name is Sarvente, I assure you that it is so wonderful to meet you. I’m pleased to make new friends! I’ll often come out around 10:15-12:00 PM in the CST timezone. ~ My normal text in posts looks like this.

~ I will use the same pronouns as Sprout, though I prefer she/her personally

~ I don’t understand romance. Don’t hit on me, or the host.

HUSKER (🥃)

Hey. Husk here. I don’t give a shit, do whatcha want

~ for host’s comfort I use they/them, though if you REALLY have to use he/him I’m fine with that too I guess

~ I don’t come out unless it’s to protect the girls, so

~ don’t be an asshole to the girls and I won’t be an asshole back, simple as that

FLUTTERSHY (🦋)

Hello! It’s Sarvente again. Fluttershy doesn’t like talking, so I’m doing this for her!

~ Fluttershy will use she/they pronouns

~ Fluttershy will “speak” using a mix of emojis and emoticons, such as: 👋^^

~ Fluttershy tends to come out to comfort people when she’s needed. Please be kind to her!

NEBU (💎)

beep bep :3

kidding. I can type normally I just like doing the beeps

~ he/him

~ beep.

~ MUSIC!!!!!

KAPI (🧶)

Nyaw!!! DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION HECK YEAHHHHHHH

wait I’m doing something. Right. Uhhhhh… Hi! Name’s Kapi. I like ddr:3

~ he/they!

~ meow cat XD

~ sorta scene? I guess? Idk how to describe it

RUVYZVAT (🩶)

I’m here now. Sprout does… Not know her words well. Yikes.

~ it/its.

~ Я вообще-то русский. Я не знаю, как люди запутались в этом вопросе.

~ IGNORE HIM. He uses Russian sometimes; it’s what he’s used to. Direct translation: “I'm actually Russian. I don't know how people get confused about this issue.”

Documic.TXT (💻)

Name’s Documic!! I’m technically Sonic, but not, so… Eh.

~ any pronouns tbh

~ I do NOT know how the human body works

~ I’ll bite you :3

BLAKE (🗻)

Uh… Hey.

~ He/They

~ I don’t talk much.

~ I’m righteous, I guess? I dunno how to write an introduction.

ANNIE (🩸)

Yes, I’m THAT Annie, bitches. Anyway sup little peeps

~ She/Her :3

~ Chaos gremlin (despite being one of the taller ones here) [Bullshit, Annie, that’s only when you drink The Liquid™ - 🌱]

~ Waiting on Garcello to get up here tbh

I'm avoiding calling myself an endogenic system due to general hate thrown towards them. I just have headmates. Please, avoid saying I have DID as I am not diagnosed; I am not a traumagenic system and I am not an endogenic system. I just have headmates.

Photos of the headmates!

I need to make a second page…

[falsettos-tight-knit-family]

30 Falsettos Challenge in 2 Days (Part 2)

16) A Character You'd Want To Date: Whizzer. No questions asked. Next-

17) A Character You Want To Get To Know Better: As I said before, I'd love to know more about Charlotte as a character because I love the lesbians and I feel like even Cordelia got more fleshing out than she did.

18) Best Decision Someone Made In The Musical: Jason choosing to have his Bar Mitzvah in Whizzer's hospital room is something that still emotionally pains me every time I hear that song tbh

19) One Character You'd Want To Sing With: I'd take either part in any Whizzvin duet, especially if we're talking about Christian and Andrew's versions, they both have such good voices to harmonize with.

20) Favorite Cast Member: Andrew Rannells. I became immediately obsessed with other stuff he's done (I want to watch Black Monday and The New Normal so bad, but my family doesn't have Amazon Prime). Only when I watched the Thanksgiving side by side did I realize that the entire cast is incredibly chaotic in the best of ways and has such good chemistry together.

21) To Try To Convince Someone To Watch Falsettos, What Would You Show Them? I've already done this twice with my friends, the first thing I show them is a very specific compilation on youtube (Falsettos Act 1 Moments That Make Me Scream), because it's the same way I got into Falsettos to begin with

22) Which Act Did You Prefer? In terms of just music, probably Act 1 because I always lean towards more upbeat songs and it has less of a chance to make me burst out crying while watching/listening to it. But in terms of which I'd rather watch, I'd for sure say Act 2. The lesbians are there, you get to see Marvin and Whizzer get back together along with all of his and everyone else's character development, the story is absolutely heartbreaking, and I could go on-

23) Something That Makes You Passionately Rant: There's so many details between Unlikely Lovers through the end of What Would I Do that I feel the need to rant about. This is all stream of consciousness written at 2 am, so fair warning and I hope it all makes some kind of sense. So I talked briefly about Unlikely Lovers in another question, but ever since I saw someone point out how one of the reasons Whizzer probably wanted Marvin to go home was because he didn't want Marvin to have to wake up next to him if he died in his sleep, which I believe is true and the implication that he would rather spend what is hypothetically his last night alone, than for Marvin to have to go through that hurts me so bad- I already talked about the Cordelia part, but I will bring it up again because it is literally the first time we see her sad and it needs to be acknowledged more often. Jason praying to God and asking him for something for what appears to be the first time ("I don't think we've ever really spoken"). He doesn't know if God exists, but he's praying and hoping that if He does, He can somehow help Whizzer. In the Something Bad Reprise, when Charlotte says the line about AIDS being infectious, it feels like there's hardly a reaction on Marvin's end. As if he's already lost so much in the few weeks since learning Whizzer had it, that he's either numb/not surprised anymore or just doesn't care as much if he lives or dies if Whizzer will be gone by then anyway. I don't think there's much to be pointed out about You Gotta Die Sometime, but I do want to bring up how the end of that song immediately transitions into Jason's Bar Mitzvah. Whizzer finally let himself feel scared and just had an emotional breakdown over accepting the fact that he's about to die. He was sobbing by the time the transition happened and it's still noticeable as Jason starts singing. He's terrified that he's going to die, and now everyone he cares about is suddenly here. In his hospital room. All together here to celebrate one of the most important days in Jason's life, with Whizzer, who just two years ago was only known as Marvin's male lover. The one who broke up the family. Now he was part of the family, the one bringing them all together. Again, What Would I Do is just depressing even on surface level. I know everyone says they cry over "We're just gonna skip that stage" and i understand that, I'm much more emotionally damaged by Marvin's "I'd do it again. I'd like to believe that I'd do it again and again and again" which aside from showing how much he's grown since the beginning, he's not only saying he'd go through all that drama and heartache just to be with Whizzer every single time, but he also knows at this point that he is also most likely going to die directly because he was involved with Whizzer. And still, he'd do it all again for him (As I write this I am not okay-). Oh and also, in Days Like This, right before the song starts, Marvin very clearly puts on a fake smile to try and make Whizzer feel better and it really does need to be appreciated more-

24) A Character From Another Musical You'd Like To See In Falsettos: After that essay of pure sadness, I'm gonna go for the funny route and say Elder Price, not for anything story or even character related (because idk enough about the story or characters of BoM), but purely because it's Andrew Rannells² and I think the reactions to someone who looks just like Whizzer would be funny

25) A Character You Can Identify With: As much as I'd love to say Whizzer (and I do identify with him to an extent), it has to be Cordelia. Her general aura of happiness and energy, being the only one entertained by Marvin during The Baseball Game, and awkwardly laughing at Mendel's bad jokes, all are things I heavily relate to-

26) Favorite Non-Romantic Relationship: Whizzer and Jason's stepfather-son bond. I love them so so much, I wholeheartedly think that he was Jason's best dad of the 3. He came to his baseball game, despite being broken up with his father for 2 years and even when not part of the family, made it clear to everyone that he loves Jason ("I love baseball. I love Jason" "I love Jason, but this is not his venue"). He was the one who stood up and taught him how to swing the bat correctly and supported him fully, even though he knew as well as anyone that Jason wasn't great at the game. I will never be over this

--- 27) Favorite Quote/One Part Of A Song: Well the "kill your mother" line is taken from earlier so I'll say during Everyone Tells Jason To See a Psychiatrist, from when they introduced Whizzer like a Heather and through to the end of the song. The dramatic entrance, the head flick, Whizzer’s excited smile when Jason says he’ll go, Marvin mocking Trina’s hand movements during “they don’t make house calls” it’s all great

28) Something A Character Did That Pissed You Off: Marvin hitting Trina would be too obvious and the Chess Game was a metaphor, but Marvin in This Had Better Come to a Stop when he says Whizzer should "Always be here, making dinner, set to screw" and just being generally hypocritical (ex. "Whizzer screws too much to see what a joy's monogamy" sir you cheated on your wife and want to have both her and Whizzer at the same time. Idc if it's not sexual, it sure as hell isn't traditional monogamy)

29) A Photo/Edit/Manip That Makes You Happy: Here’s a couple of many behind the scenes pictures that make me smile (yes one is technically a gif)

Can you tell I love Andrew Rannells?

30) Something Else About The Musical You Want To Add (Wildcard): You know what I'm gonna simp in the wildcard- The way Andrew says a couple of his lines, specifically in the proshot, are randomly very attractive to me. I specifically mean "Hang up your clothes Marvin, breeding shows, Marvin" in TTOFL and "Sex and games in New York City" in A Day In Falsettoland. Also, idk if this is simp worthy or not, but the higher harmonies Christian hits in some of the songs (ex. Unlikely Lovers) are so pretty and super satisfying to listen to

[transonlyspace]

is it weird that I don't get gender dysphoria... nor euphoria? like, I'm not excited when someone calls me by my current name, it just feels like they're doing the bare minimum, and that they're taking me away from my past (which is good dw). it feels like either: 1. I'm numb to the pain because personal reasons and i hate myself 2. I'm faking it 3. it's just that I'm whack and lethargic, deep down.

also kinda unrelated but related but like I'm not into trans spaces. i don't like being called trans slang, I don't feel like I'm "queer" at all, and I don't like reclaiming slurs. if i DID reclaim a slur it'd me because someone i love told me to. my feelings are best described like this:

i am so so SO sorry if my wording sounded transphobic, ita just me being weird. it's the only way i can describe it without going on "uhh uhm uhhhh" mode.

this also happens with the way my brain behaves (idk if it's neurodivergence and i just want to use ambiguous wording so that i don't get it wrong because i haven't gotten a diagnosis as for now) and while i feel like i have some sort of neurodivergence idk i just don't relate to neurodivergent stuff.

is my rambling weird or do you have an answer to it /nm

i kinda relate tbh!! i dont feel much gender euphoria nor dysphoria, but i know im not cis. im just.. something. a being that is genderful (lmao) and genderless at the same time, though our experiences differ a lot apart from that.

obviously, to each their own. everyone has different gender experiences, theres nothing wrong with wanting to go to majority cis spaces. that itself can be characterized as a form of gender euphoria, methinks.

the problem may be that trans spaces focus on transness. now im not sure what gender identity you prefer; you dont have a pinned post, but imo theres nothing wrong with being trans and just not feeling trans at the same time, iygwim

trans spaces exist due to oppresion. some trans people might not feel "trans" in way. just some person who differs from the gender they were born as. despite that being what trans is, its totally respectable!

[crimson--freak]

14 and 15 for the ask game!

14 - do you enjoy being lightheartedly teased? why or why not?

I think there are very few times when I actually enjoy it. Most of the time I try to brush it off or ignore it, but on the whole it just kind of irritates me.

15 - do you prefer to be numb or overly emotional? why?

Numb 100%, I get really uncomfortable in expressing too much emotion to people. I don’t really know why, but overall I’m not that great at hiding emotional responses so I’d go with numb tbh.

[slavetotheflesh]

all the unusual questions!!

sure sure this is gonna take a minute but sure lmao

cut for length

What are the ideal nudes that someone could send you?

genuinely not picky lmao. anything where they’re fucking themselves is my favorite but i’m always just happy to receive nudes

Have you ever humped a pillow until you came? Would you?

have tried but without cumming. i don’t think i have the anatomy for it

Hottest food someone can eat?

gotta be ice cream or an especially juicy piece of fruit right

Genie granted you three NSFW wishes. What are you wishing for?

big fat ass

big fat cock

bigger fatter tits

Something you did in bed and would NEVER do again?

i can’t say i’ve done anything i’d never do again?

Something you did in bed and would LOVE to do again?

is saying eating pussy way too vanilla

Something you never did in bed and would rather never do?

i’m cool never doing pet play lmao

Something you never did in bed and would love to do?

god there’s a mile long list. hoping this is the year i get fucked in the ass for the first time (bonus points cuz he might creampie me)

Look around yourself. You are EXTREMELY horny. What unusual object are you using to get off?

i literally have sex toys in arms reach but if it has to be something unusual. i have a glass coke bottle on my bedside table.

What slasher killer would you love to get railed by and why?

i know candyman would treat me right. i like bees. maybe remake survivalist jason voorhees.

What kink/fantasy of yours are you the most embarrassed about? Why?

well i’m too embarrassed to really even bring it up here. lmao

What’s the weirdest thing that turned you on? Did you masturbate to it? Would you do it again?

i did once masturbate watching a musician i have a crush on livestream on instagram from the shooting range. came so hard i greyed out would do again

What is your darkest kink?

i mean. snuff

What body part would you worship on other people to the end of time because NGHHHH?

HAAAAANDS.

Are you happy with the type of genital you have? If not, would you want the opposite? Why?

i would prefer to have a dick and balls but my pussy is fine. like. the multiple orgasms are pretty rad.

You masterbated yourself to starvation. What’s the top number 1 food you crave RN?

does a monster energy drink count

What’s the best term that describes you sexually?

siri play insatiable by skold

You can do only ONE thing to your partner sex-wise for an entire month. What is your pick?

oof. which partner. my boyfriend i’m eating his pussy but my other partner i’m fisting his ass

Would you be able to go full month just pleasing your partner daily, without getting anything back?

i would be insufferable but i would do it

What hairstyle you find attractive?

genuinely don’t care i just need it to be a little weird be it a weird color or a weird cut

What video of you would you love to take sometimes? Why haven’t you yet?

i NEED video of me giving head but have never had a partner who was down to film me going down on them

What’s a toy you’d love to use? Why?

there is a specific toy i want related to the above embarrassing fetish but it’s like $300 lmao

What’s your favourite thing about a quickie?

the desperation of it all

Have you or would you ever masturbate with toothpaste/tiger balm/numbing balm etc.?

not my ideal way to receive genital torture

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? What’s the best part on it?

i’ve kissed more girls than any other genders. girls are so soft it’s nice

What’s the most flattering thing someone’s said about your naked body?

uhhhh i’m not sure anybody’s said anything about it

What’s a part of clothing you would love to see your crush/partner in?

wanna fuck my boyfriend in my mr. s hoodie. tbh.

What does your ideal one night stand look like?

i’m not a one night stand girlie

Do you have a favourite CNC scenario? Which is it?

as a sub: parent/big sibling forces me. as a dom: anything manipulative and coercive

Favourite position to give oral? And to receive?

only ever given or received oral with receiver on their back honestly

What’s your fantasy celebrity threesome?

glancing anxiously to my left at the prints of justin morrow and ryan sitkowski from motionless in white on my wall

What is your most unusual turn on?

probably armpits?

Do you have some songs you wanna get railed to?

i need to make a playlist at this point

What’s your opinion on anal?

i love anal and i can cum from it

Do you like to have rough sex? What you love the most?

yeah it’s about the desperation and the possessive grabbing for me

Do you like to have sensual sex? What you love the most?

also very good. but yeah also grabbing and being possessive. lmao

What’s your opinion on sexting?

big fan

Do you like getting teased in public? Why or why not?

i mean i have just as much of a love hate thing with it as anybody lmao

What’s your biggest sexual pet peeve?

i hate the word cunny

What are you favourite pet names to be called during sex?

baby sister i mean uh what

What’s the best orgasm you had in past months?

there is not one immediately coming to mind but i’m sure it’s one my boyfriend ordered me to give myself

Do you like going commando?

no thanks!!

What language is the sexiest?

i really don’t have strong opinions on this

Is FreeUse hot? Why?

god yes. it’s like cnc and objectification combined and it rules

What would you love to roleplay as in bed?

immediate family members [only half joking]

What scent you find arousing?

pits. boy smells.

Favourite way of being degraded?

verbally

Favourite way of being praised?

earning rewards

Favourite thing to do when dominating?

fingering/fisting/pegging/using toys

Favourite thing to do when being dominated?

sexual service, especially giving oral

Have you ever tried something only for it to become a hard limit of yours? How so?

cattle prod. lmao

Would you be willing to try something off limits? If yes, what would the circumstances have to be?

i would try most things at least once especially with somebody like my boyfriend who i trust that much

Do you like to be intoxicated during sex? How? Why?

i’m straightedge so i would prefer not to but would consider it for a specific intox scene

Would you like to expose yourself/get exposed? If yes, are there some limits?

only in a play party setting or like, at some kind of kink/bdsm event where it’s appropriate

Best romantic evening setting, go!

on the couch ordering food cuddling watching something together

Best sexual evening setting, go!

my boyfriend makes me put on a pretty little outfit and then fucks me on every flat surface in his house tbh

Would you watch porn with your partner? What would be your pick?

yeah definitely and have with past partners. i have some favorite movies i’d love him to pick something from

Would you ever participate in a goon day/weekend?

gooning ain’t my thing

Would you ever participate in Locktober?

as a keyholder yes

Would you ever participate in NoNutNovember?

no thanks!!!

Do you like tattoos or piercings on your partner? What would be the best places for them to have them?

god yes. as many tattoos as possible pls. nipple and genital piercings are both hot

What is a sex-challenge you would create? Would you do it with your partner or solo?

i don’t even really know what this means honestly lmao

What is something you always wanted to ask your partner but didn’t had the courage to?

i don’t think there’s anything specific?

What is something you would love your partner to forget about you?

can’t think of anything tbh.

Is there a kink/fetish you would like your partner to have? Why?

i mean i’m pretty content with the shit both my partners are into

Is there a kink/fetish you would like your partner NOT to have? Why?

neither of them are into anything that genuinely gives me the ick

Considering you ABSOLUTELY WOULD HAVE to do the next thing your partner will ask you to. What do YOU wish that would be?

i mean is the fun of the thing not that it doesn’t matter what i want

Do you trust your partner enough to be their no-limit sex slave for 24 hours? Why not? What would be the limits?

i trust my boyfriend entirely and there’s no limit that i have that he would want to break. i think my other partner would just want me to service top him and drink his piss lmao.

Would you let your partner pimp you out?

i already do that shit myself i don’t need him to help /hj

[emeraldhazeart]

When you see this, post 5 songs you actually listen to and tag 10 of your favourite followers/mutuals!

Thank you for the tag, @durotoswrites. 💕

I've got a bit of an eclectic taste in music, tbh. I like songs that elicit an emotional response in me, so I don't tend to follow just one genre.

Strangers by Scratch21 ft. ElieMonty

This song is honestly just so beautiful and heartfelt. If you've ever watched MLP AMVs, you might recognise it, but this is the original. The heartbreak and longing comes through so strongly, not just in the lyrics, but also in the incredible vocals by Blake Swift and Eile Monty.

Without Words by the Spectra 2014 Singers

Major content warning: this is a song about mourning a beloved pet. If you're not in a good place to listen to this kind of song, skip this one!

Anytime I feel like I need a good cry, I'll put this song on. I love the fact that there are people out there who miss the animals that touched their lives so much that they wanted to write a song for them. If you want to purchase the song, it's still available on bandcamp.

Alan Walker's Faded cover by Madilyn Bailey

Yeah, I actually prefer this version to the original. While the OG song is very much a club mix, this version takes those beautiful lyrics and melody and turns them into a heartbreaking ballad. Bailey's voice is just so powerful and emotive.

Megan Trainor ft. John Legend's Like I'm Gonna Lose You cover by Jasmine Thompson

Another cover. While the original feels more romantic, this version is more mournful and melancholy, like it's the minor key version that would play after an especially sad scene in a film.

I couldn't choose between these last two, so you're getting both of them 😅

Linkin Park's In The End (Mellen Gi remix) cover by Tommee Profitt, Mellen Gi & Fleurie

The original song is unparalleled, and nothing will ever replace Chester Bennington's incredible vocals or the band's instruments. But this version is intentionally more cinematic, and there's something so haunting about Fleurie's voice singing just Chester's supplementary lines.

Linkin Park's Numb cover by Violet Orlandi

Yep, another Linkin Park cover. I am an old school LP fan, and proud of it.

This is a similarly haunting rendition of the original hard rock version. I actually stumbled across this while watching an episode of 60 Minutes Australia on YT, and it left such an impression that I went into the comments and found the artist so I could listen to the full version. Orlandi's vocals are gorgeous, and it reminded me why I love the original so much.

Phew. That is nowhere near all the songs I could recommend, but I've already stretched the prompt 😅

No pressure tags : @sneakyfox55 @hannahcbrown @acustardduckling @lizzie-tempest @dedtoot @mahoushaymie @mageofcolors and anyone else that would like to join in 😉