#but i just can't do this and keep my mental health as it is right now

[noxxuniverse]

i am sorry for what i will write here. it will probably sound desperate. (and i will make mistakes because english is not my first language, i apologize for that)

my mental diet keeps being so bad. i live in toxic household and obviously i'm manifesting getting out of here+getting a lot of money.

i try so much to not pay attention to the 3d but it's just...i honestly don't know how much longer i can handle. not only my mental health is deeply affected, honestly i feel stressed and i feel like i am in danger all the time, but also my mental diet is so affected (what's worse because my manifestations are something that can get me out of here)

maybe you have some tips for me? anything will be deeply appreciated i promise. i feel so stressed, every second is living hell (i love christmas so much but i also hate holidays because my parents will be at home almost all the time during next 3 weeks, i am sorry for sounding so desperate but it feels like my brain can't even think properly because of being so stressed)

thank you so so so much for anything you will say, i appreciate any advice.

merry christmas :)

I'm going to be harsh, I hope you understand that, but I'm not doing it to be a bitch, I'm doing it because it clicks easier.

Stop being a victim to your external world. I am sorry, that you are going through this, but you do realize that you create everything, right? At the end of the day, yes, you didn't know at the time and that's fine but you know now. The external world is just showing you your old assumptions. So pause for a moment.

Re-read what you've said there, this is all of your assumptions on your situation. "I can't even think properly because of being so stressed" and "I feel like I am in danger all the time." If you want your desires, listen to me. REPEAT. Repetition is SO good for when you're manifesting especially when starting out (in my opinion.) So saturate, but don't waver. Don't let the external world get to you, you don't have to ignore it but you mustn't let it get to you. I know it can be really hard, but the only reason why it is, is because that's your assumption. So pull through I know you can do it.

You're allowed to feel by the way, but that shouldn't affect your way of thinking. Affirming is just thinking, so use that to your advantage, you can affirm while crying, whilst being stressed, just keep going. You're living your dream life right now, simple. It's done, you just have to remind yourself, tell yourself, that it is done.

I would suggest looking at Indigo Detry and Taylor Tookes' channel. They were helpful for me during times like this and I think they'll benefit you too.

Good luck, I know things will get better for you. You've got this.

[torchickentacos]

Swinging a bat at a hornet's nest, but I keep seeing the opinion go around that it's insensitive to say that we'll make it through the next 4 years because so many people didn't the first time around. Which, I guess I see the point, but like... do you expect all of us to just be like this for the next 4 years???

I totally get why some people can't feel hopeful, but insinuating that someone else is in the wrong for being able to stay optimistic just isn't productive or, in my opinion, a reasonable expectation. We all react to stressful times differently and not only is that okay, but it should be encouraged that people work through this however they personally need to and in whichever emotional state they end up in.

[spotaus]

Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡

So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.

At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.

Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.

I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.

So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.

If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.

[enchantedlandcoffee]

Announcement

So over the past day, I've been told that there have been accusations about me hurting other people with my words, stealing art ideas and sending myself hate.

I want to assure you guys that I have never sent myself hate, stolen art ideas or knowingly hurt other people.

With this being said, I am going to be taking an indefinite break from Tumblr to focus on my mental health and writing.

I do wish that people had told me directly that I'd hurt them so that we could talk about it and I could understand. If I have hurt you in anyway, I do apologise. It was never my intention to hurt anyone.

---

Google Drive folder of my art timelapses here*

*most of them. Rest should be uploaded the first week of June

[thethingything]

we're stuck in a very unfortunate loop where I know a lot of things that help our mental health, but those things take an amount of energy, concentration, or ability to remember things, that we just do not currently have specifically because of the things that are making our mental health so bad in the first place.

I'm still trying to do them because I need to do the things that make us feel better, but the more stressed and exhausted we are, the harder it is to do the things that would help us be less stressed and it's not like there's a workaround for this so the only option is to just keep pushing through but wow I'd love if it was less difficult

[mcalhenwrites]

I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently... But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me. I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose. I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick. And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe! I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse

[savage-rhi]

✨️Magenta🔥

[bragganhyl]

ngl i've been feeling weird (bad) about both my art and my writing so... yeah sorry for sitting on my hands but yeah i'm hoping it goes away soon

[elytrafemme]

this year (as in, from august until now) has been a lot for me in terms of like... everything changing, having to come to terms with a lot of things, a lot of important conversations and realizations. and i think yesterday night it really hit me just how many things are starting to piece together, all that i have to grieve but all the things i’m better off now understanding. 

and it’s funny that this was the one thing that really stuck out to me, but yesterday i was trying to explain to my sister how i can’t really open up to people because of the way my emotions work, which is largely a BPD thing, and then i realized as i was telling her like. there have been so many times since i’ve started using the internet and discord where i felt extremely guilty for the way that i would open up to people, it was like an avalanche. i can’t just confide in one thing, it’s a thousand and nobody knows how to handle it because there’s so much. and i never knew what was wrong with me so i just assumed that this was my fault, that i was a bad person for it. 

realizing that this is just... how i work, and that i just needed to be kind enough to myself to realize it was a recurring problem, something that i could maybe fix once i worked it out, was both relieving but also kind of sad. because i spent-- and still spend-- so much time angry at the fact that i can’t just say one complaint and be done, everything comes out. and i think maybe the hardest part of growing up is looking back at the things you used to blame yourself for and realizing that they were just cries for help.

[flame-shadow]

hey did you know??? that if you stop stretching and maintaining mobility in your body then it goes away?? things get tight and you can't move the way that you used to??? and when you decide to try getting a stretch routine going that the first week fucking sucks because you keep going 'damn i used to be able to do this no problem' and then you have to switch gears and be kind to yourself and just focus on getting better from here instead of berating yourself for dropping the good habits in the first place??? and your body never stops aging so you gotta keep taking care of it and sometimes you gotta take care of it extra in certain areas because of things that happened when you were younger and it's boring and sometimes hurts but it's so necessary???

i am yelling this at myself right now i am going through An Experience (trying to get into a routine of body maintenance again for my physical and mental health)

[itsalwaysdark]

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

[grimandghoulish]

.

[orcboxer]

Sure there's zombies killing and eating people on the street but those people are not dying from the virus they're dying from comorbidities. For instance, that guy we saw getting eaten on the way into work today clearly died from blood loss, not infection, plus he already had a heart condition. People with preexisting conditions are just going to have to take care of themselves. Say it with me, "They're all already dead to me." See, that feels a lot better now doesn't it?

Good because you still have to go to work. No we're not paying you extra. Yes we're doubling grocery prices. No you don't qualify for disability. Or healthcare. Or a home.

Look, if you get bitten, you can stay home for one day, I guess 😒, but then you need to come in early. We're really short staffed at the moment, despite our company's profits being higher than ever. In fact we may be laying some of you off next month. You don't mind working off the clock right?

Also you look silly with that protective gear. We're gonna harass you for it, not like institutionally but just socially. Who cares if a zombie attacks you? Who cares if we invite them into the building? You don't need to defend yourself, you're just overreacting. If you get bitten just tell everyone the festering bite mark is from a different animal, that's what we all do.

And hey, don't worry so much. It's endemic, which means we don't have to keep track of how many people are dying from it anymore. Just look at those numbers! It's only killed 2,000 people in America this week! That's basically nobody! We're back to normal!

If everything starts tasting like rotting meat for the rest of your life, it's probably something else. If you experience brain fog or you forget things constantly or you're tired all the time after even minor physical activity, it's just because you're lazy. Yes every other virus you ever get will also be increasingly worse but that's just a coincidence. Those viruses just happen to be exponentially worse now.

Plus, those few weeks during the lockdown were terrible for my mental health. I just can't keep living like that, so we have to go back to normal life, which now involves people biting each other and twitching uncontrollably and rotting visibly.

You can't expect the world to wait for you. "Already dead to me," remember?

[enchantedlandcoffee]

.

[thisismycorneroftheinternet]

It's also literally taking all of my willpower to not just start drinking until I pass out or something. Or worse. It's not like I can even fucking vent to my sister, she's been yelling at me for just commenting about the bad things in my life, she'd never let me vent. I literally have no one, and this is my fault, and all I can do is fucking suck it up about it.

[cy-cyborg]

So, there's a lot I want to say about the paralypics, but every time I try I just... can't articulate what I want to say without it turning into a monster of a post that puts my writing advice posts to shame lol. This includes in response to the anonymous asks I got on the topic btw. So I'm going to try and summarise my thoughts here.

As someone who was working towards the Rio paralympics - who was basically one of the people they were actively training to be the next paralympians and who got to go if their choice first athletes had to drop out, the Olympics and paralympics are a... touchy subject for me. I loved playing. I loved my sport. I loved the people I played with. I loved the people I played against. But the way the public and people in power treats disabled athletes sucks. It Really really sucks. and it hurts to talk about.

The vast, vast majority of us aren't paid. We are expected to train at the same intensity as the Olympians with none of the breaks and none of the support to do so, resulting in injuries that are disabling in and of themselves, while juggling normal jobs. many of the paralympians are also in school or at university as well. both schools and jobs see these elite athletes as dedicated hobbiests at best.

I had a friend who were fired from their job because they were denied time off to compete at the paralypics and well, if i had to choose between the paralympics or stay at a shit job paying minimum wage, I know which one I'd pick, and so she didnt have a job when she came back. I have friends who are still in the closet because their sponsors would drop them if they came out as gay, who ended years-long relationships to keep the funding that allowed them and their teams to compete - funding that just covered the costs of travel by the way. They never saw a cent of it themselves, but it was the difference between us having to pay $50 each for our plane tickets and accommodation and having to pay $2,000Aud + for every away game. I have friends who were supposed to go to Tokeyo but were kicked off the teams weeks before the games because of a rule change that decided they weren't disabled enough anymore, wasting years of work with absolutely no warning. They weren't even given the decency of an appology from the people who made the call. Several went through terrifying mental health spirals over it. It was their life's work, gone. I saw so many friends just give up because their disabilities were "too hard to classify" into the International Paralympic Commity's boxes and who were made to feel they weren't welcome by the system spouting off about its diversity and inclusion and empowerment of disabled people.

And then with all that, the best we can hope for is for the social media teams to turn us into a joke for ableds to laugh at or into inspiration porn to make them feel good about themselves - because at least theyre not us. Because obviously, there are no other options in how to show us/sarcasm.

My phone doesn't even have "paralympics" as a recognised word. I have a Samsung. The company that is currently at the paralympics using them as a marketing opertunity. We aren't even recognised as a word in the phones made by the company that is currently using the paralympics as a marketing opportunity. The phones they're giving the athletes won't even recognise the name of the event that they got it at. If I've spelt it wrong, it's because it autocorrects it every time I try to spell it right, and im dyslexic and can't see the difference until I stare at it for a minute or so.

I just... this isn't even scratching the surface of my thoughts. But I wanted to say at least some of it. It will be the last I'm going to talk about it, at least until the event is over.