i think some get angry at transmascs for discussing our oppressiin because they view invisibility as a privilege rather than a way in which we are oppressed
when their view of invisibility as a privilege is challenged, they lash out and say that we want to be oppressed soooo bad and that we need to shut up
and of course, if we do shut up then nothing changes. we remain invisible and nobody sees us. or talks about us. or cares about us
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
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So I learned that if you fail the Drama check during the sunken car investigation, Kim will basically find your attempt at whistling endearing and encourage you to keep at it
It's really cute. It goes to show that Harry messing up out of genuine determination makes Kim see him as endearing rather than a full-on disaster sometimes
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[ID: Digital drawings of Needles from The Magnus Protocol on a gray background. He is a thin, shadowy figure in a brown raincoat with the hood up and dark gray pants and gray shoes and black fingerless gloves. His only visible facial features are his large eyes and mouth, and needles make up his eyebrows and poke out of his chin like a goatee. He also has needles coming out of his fingertips. The first drawing is a bust showing him smiling at the viewer, and the second is a full body drawing of him posed as though walking with his hands near his sides making clawing gestures. He is smiling at the viewer with extra needles poking out from between his teeth. end ID]
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a hesitant needles design!! keeping my design pretty vague and ambiguous for now, waiting until we get more description cuz i feel like we're def going to soon enough. I imagine the needles are usually under the skin and then poke out as needed (i just drew them as brows and beard to get the Needles Thing across) (no i did NOT mean to give him a goatee it just happened)
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You know, I think there's something so, so insidious to the idea that Orym's perspective of the Vanguard is "flawed/human" or that him repeatedly reminding his friends what the Vanguard does (kill innocents to achieve their means) "blocks nuance" in the conversation, etc, because it implies that, in this mythical "objective" perspective that apparently exists, the Vanguard aren't so bad. If only Orym could put aside his petty grievances, such as the murder of his father and husband, and let people be nuanced about this situation, he'd see there's two sides to this story. And why discount the Vanguard's perspective just because *checks notes* they're a massive, manipulative cult that preys on vulnerable people to join their ranks and turns them to violence, or that they work with a centuries-old fascist eugenicist literally mind-controlling psychic government with the goal of freeing a creature that could very well destroy the world as we know it and even if it doesn't, will leave an enormous power vacuum for that fascist government to potentially occupy when they invade Exandria?
I think there's some misconception people have that they think war shouldn't ever be personal and if it does become personal for someone then their logic is too clouded by their feelings to see the situation clearly, just automatically. And perhaps sometimes, in some contexts, this can be true! But not here. It's actually quite cut and dried that Orym's "flawed, human" perspective is the one reminding everyone of the human cost to Ludinus' grand plans, all in the name of so called "progress"
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I just want a sweet dyke to suck my titties whilst I ride her pink strap, is that too much to ask????
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