#but i have such a full life with the ppl around me
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I love queer stories I love reading about love and finding love and falling in love.
I want it so badly I want to have a partner and fall in love and have someone who is interested in learning me and we can learn to love each other the way we need. And the older I get the more the ache is there, this kind of like accepting ache that like okay, it might not happen for me…..but alongside that lonely ache, I get a surge of huge powerful love for the love I have around me anyway.
I love community. I love queer books and music and I love friends and allies and other queers who get it. I love Pride, I love it. This world feels so fucked up but I feel like I have a found family who is strong enough to catch me when I need to be caught and people who feel reliable and sturdy and safe.
#prince text#just having a lot of feelings#I don’t have an ideal love match in my head#but i do daydream wondering what it would be like to fall for someone who wants me back#wants ME back#not an idealized version of me#not a I Am In Love With The Idea of A Relationship me#not the convenient and prioritizes you over my own interests bc you don’t seem to care me#maybe I won’t get that#but i have such a full life with the ppl around me#and things are scary but I forget sometimes that they’re not scary in the same ways anymore#I have ppl I am certain about#and I honestly haven’t had that#maybe ever#Saturn Rising is real#I’m rlly sleep deprived it is bed time
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GUESS WHO I'M DRAWING NOOOOWWWWW~!!!!
#the angle is SO. WEIRD for the clothes lmao#it's actually fucking me up lol#i love this silly little guy#he's full of whimsy and murderous intent! /silly#i love how he IMMEDIATELY went to brag about his INSANE grinding for the enchanting skill to tubbo???? great. 10/10 no notes#you can HEAR he was having THE TIME of HIS LIFE with tub tub's reactions lmfaooo#also the fact he's planning to make everyone compete on like. saw type shit /silly to get RIDICULOUSLY OP gear is SO him...#i automatically thought “oh so he REALLY liked the idea of The Peace Trials huh?” lmaoo#currently laying down bc my back hurts/is bothering me like a 5 year old asking if u have games on ur phone :((((#(I've been sitting on my pc drawing for most of the day lol)#anyway#demon shares wips™#clownpierce#the realm smp#the realm fanart#clownpierce fanart#trsmp#trsmp fanart#i have SUCH ideas for the other ppl btw....#idk if I'll make them like. permanent designs???? (besides clown ofc) but i WILL try them out bc it'll be fun!#they're my barbie dolls and I'm dressing them up for my tea party aight?#ALL of the trsmp design I'll make WILL be based off wadanohara and the great blue sea btw#bc i can#and it's fun#im thinking#foolish as mikotsuhime. pangi as regular wadda. bad as either totsusahime or chlomaki. hannah as tatsumiya. tubbo as uomihime#phil as laurentia. sneeg as adauchi. whoever tf else was in their initial trio as ver million#MMmMmMmMmmMmmMMmMmMmnMMmMMMm idk where i can fit roscumber as clown's apprentice. might shuffle things around for that.......#hm.#honestly i can make tommy as chlomaki and charlie as lobco ngl. that could work.......
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questioning what life is rlly about but then u catch up with the girlies over dinner n life is worth living again <3
#i don’t go clerb hopping but restaurant hopping <3#w my fav ppl <3#i love my friends <3#n im so sad we can't see each other as often#love my uni friends too but the bond u have w the friends u made when u were little are irreplaceable#i've been besties w a friend since we were little tiny babies just barely able to move around#also! they surprised me w a bday gift bc this year i didnt celebrate bc i wasnt home n life was hectic#n one of the gifts is a bookmark w my name engraved on it and!!!!! featuring pressed flowers#its the little things that make me cry </3#like how adorable is that#anywayyy that gift was just tew cute had to mention it#i wanna have nights like this forever😔😔😔#like no do not ever ruin ur sleeping schedule for a man but yes ruin it for ur friends who take u from one restaurant to the other <3#so so sleepy but i'll sleep w a full n happy heart today <3
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cr3 is gonna end and the pc’s still feel like the same people to me :|
(crcritical content in the tags feel free to skip)
#cr spoilers#cr critical#the pacing of this campaign was shot to shit from the start and i really hope mercer learns from this and takes it into account for cr4#i actually think they need to do mini seasons like d20 does. not in the way that they’re all completely separate from one another but#the way the unsleeping city had multiple seasons or a crown of candy or fantasy high. connected arcs in a bigger story#it would give mercer more time to plan and pace things and would give both cast and crew more time to prepare things#bc this campaign was. frantic. just full speed ahead with no breathing room. it’s a marathon sprint#i still feel like the initial assault on the key was like. maybe a few months ago#IT WAS A YEAR!!!!#what do you MEAN this campaign took place over five months!!! these people don’t know each other!!!! I don’t know them!!!!!!#VM knew each other for YEARS TM9 traveled for a YEAR together#CR3 viewers have been talking about a time skip happening as though it’s a guarantee!!! TM9 didn’t end with a time skip and guess what!!#It was a good ending!!! Maybe a few loose threads but they were easily touched upon later with no issues#like idk ppl are allowed to like or even love cr3 i have no issue with that. i just think that from a storytelling perspective it’s just#so poorly paced and i think both fans and players deserve better than to be thrown into world ending stakes immediately#the initial assault on the malleus key felt like an endgame event and it was like fifty episodes in. Tm9 got to xhorhas around episode 50#characters deserve time to marinate. cr3 is a pressure cooker#don’t even get me started on braius’ inclusion. sam i’m sure your character is cool and complicated but he’s been here for like 20 eps#i dont know this man#also i feel like shorter seasons/separate arcs woven together would account more for people’s personal lives and any medical issues#like what happened with sam. ppl were hounding him asking for his return meanwhile he was being treated for CANCER like I can’t imagine#dealing with that kind of pressure. players deserve privacy however they can get it.#(also fgc’s death is to me the only narratively satisfying thing to happen in cr3 i’m not kidding#fucking perfect setup and execution. exquisitely done on mr riegel’s part#laudna has also had some great story beats along with imogen but i think matt fucked up making delilah come back i really do)#anyway all the love to the cr crew and cast if you see this ily and your stories i just think pacing needs to be taken into account#“they’re just friends sitting at a table playing dnd” i don’t think they are anymore actually#obviously they’re still friends playing dnd but like. cr3 feels so produced and i dont mean that in a good way :[ it feels so corporate#off topic i am SO FUCKING EXCITED for the switch to daggerheart! I think it’ll really breathe some new light and life into exandria!!!
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okie now its my bedtime loves us all and ummm 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚 why when i do 💚 is one of the sugested emojis oh now were pretending it wasnt... it was 🤔.. why are you questioning my love. very sad stuff
#i did drinked a little earlier not very much tho. i kind of miss being proper drunk it was like ¾s of a mikes hard... and also i had#basically a full can of monster annie gave me Nnwise it was like 9pm. LOL. but it was a nice taste so whatever. hopefully i am not under the#effects i dknt feel especially tired butttt i need to sleep. my stomach growling tho but i already brushed my teeth#OOH also we had stuffed mushrooms today thats why papaw came over and it was nice they were delicious .. and theres extra mushrooms so i can#make um special mushroom spam bowls i think :] unless theyre 4 something#next thursday i think were doing umm. this once little meal w these tiny breads and brie and pesto and its so yummy ive only gotten to have#it once bc brie expensive BUT mama found it 4 like 3 dollars at aldis or something like that....#oh also crucial when i say mama i dont probounce it in my head like momma its Ma-Ma to me#just so you know . i actually call her mama quite often irl but over text it feels different so i dont on here i usually judt call her#mother. irl i also call her mommy a lot and mother irl ... but not in a like . yk. i call her mother but its more as a joke if that makes#sense. i do wonder ummm bc ive been calling my mom mommy for ages and i did the entire time when i was a teenager and i wonder if its bc i#always had younger siblings ? like annie and then weeman. i feel like annie was learning to talk at around the same age where a lot of kids#i mean they started to talk when i was at the age when. phrasing not clear sry. but anyways it was when i was around rhe age when kids tend#to stop calling their parents mommy and daddy (obvs different for everyone) so bc she was still Mommy for annje i just kept calling her that#yk. and then obvs weeman calls her mommy and such. but yes im curious if its different for ppl who dont have younger siblings or who have#different gaps w their younger siblings... it also might be influenced bc my mom was a preschool teacher yk. idk ... itd be interesting to#see... it also likee. umm. esp on here i dont like to call them mommy and daddy even tho thats what ive called them most of my life just bc#of. yk. im not rly Embarassed that i still call them that but i dont like it being associated sort of thing . but that is how it is...#so ya. the only thing i like Never ever call them irl is mom and dad like i never idt ever in my life have been like Hey mom. hey dad. thats#crazy to me its crazy that ppl actually do that to me idek why#like i call rhem My mom and dad bc thats what they are but thats not like. ykwim... IDK. abyways so yes thats my detour much love
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My friends are so nice to me??? I love them???
#another fulfilling day where im tired overworked overwhelmed but also full of love for my friends#i love my friends#one of my friends swung by to visit me while ive been recovering hehe#it was so so nice#and one of my friends is giving me more song and media recs hehe which is like. yes. yes. yes.#i am going to fall in love with you /hyp#a little overwhelmed and smitten rn#having a pea brain moment but today has been crazy and i have been catching up with a lot of stuff and meeting deadline#life has been a bit hard in regards to that but im sure life will be fine life will turn out ok#when i get a little better i need to bake so much for my friends#but also trying to not overstep and stretch myself out too thin which i might have today#I don't care though i feel so. tired but happy rn.#im obsessed w my friends it's not even an overstatement at this point hehe but oh well#this semester or next maybe I'll try something new but for now i just want to go with the flow and have fun for now#im having fun im happy i don't want to worry about stuff and i don't want to be scared which is why! im not gonna catch feelings for anyone#im gonna love my friends a lot and love myself a lot and it will be enough to carry me through!#it gets really hard sometimes when a lot of your friends are dating and a lot of ppl around you are dating but im not gonna get fomoed#went out and saw my friend and her partner walking hand in hand and ykw im happy for her#i do get a little envious abt. having like. a safety person. and stuff like that. but. hng. i have multiple ppl i can rely on#it's just currently they're all not around that's all#and sometimes i just really crave a hug but those times will pass!!!#anyway i miss my friends i love them but im doing much better than last year now#i had a moment of wondering why i tolerated. some stuff from past partners and i realized it was probably bc of the friends i had around#sometimes when your friends treat u well it. idk. shines some light on your perspective#im really grateful for my friends bc of that#they make sure i dont become worse lol#kk rambles
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been sleeping over at my best friends' house for the work week, the last two weeks cuz I work the night shift and the roads are too icy for me to get home safe! which is why I've been a little quiet on here <3
they're both so sweet and wonderful and I could gush forever.
it's just been so cozy?? being around them doesn't drain my social battery at all. in fact, I feel rejuvenated. feels like when Beck used to live down the street and we'd sleep at each other's place every night in our early 20s. kinda made me realize I've not had this sort of friendship since they left for Japan or when I met Percy 6 years ago (and then we got gay married)!
#[static]#i feel like i gotta always say that ive got friendships i cherish deeply online and wished they were physically closer of course!!#but i feel so fucking lucky to have met brian and jesse and cant believe it's only been such a short amount of time of knowing them-#- and it feels like ive known them for so much longer. you just sometimes meet people who you just click with instantly#and it feels like you were meant to know each other in this life lmao#i just feel safe and at peace around them. i can be my weird gay creature self and they love and accept me for it#and i love them both so much!! i miss them when im not around them lmao and i dont usually miss people#it's just been like a besties sleep over for a week+ and my heart is so full#i wish Percy could be here!! the vibes are just like at home <3#they've been so vocal and kind at reassuring me that i can stay as long as i want to. i hate taking up space but i think it's sticking#i just hate taking up ppls space or being a burden LMAO but their patience and kindness has lured me out of my fears
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btw ive never been opposed to the idea of having a "regular job" to support my art career as i needed it, but the times ive had one (and ive had MANY) i would always be too exhausted to draw anything afterwards, all the jobs ive had were minimum wage and highly physical
i suddenly had the epiphany to get a weekend job bc I DONT DRAW ON WEEKENDS ANYWAY, my mom has weekends off from work so its impossible to do anything ^^;
and its served the dual purpose of providing a little cash AND i dont have to be around much when my mom is home lol <3
idk how i didnt think of this sooner, i think it just wasnt the right time til now <3
#ive worked several different kinds of jobs and multiple at the same time like clock out of one clock in to the other type#clown honks#mostly customer service-ish except for a handful#i have sO MANY STORIES LMAO#my friends keep telling me to make a book about my life bc its wildly entertaining to hear about apparently LOL#they all ended in ways i couldnt control and really cemented for me that that isnt what i was supposed to be doing full time ykno?#also idk if its obvious or not but im actually an introvert#im very good w ppl/def not a shy person but being around ppl irl for long periods of time is EXHAUSTING#once i get home i p much collapse sdkljklds
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yall this old lady craft group is the best thing ever and i want to cry thinking abt how grateful i am to have it fjfkdl i think this might be the one group that i feel wholly welcomed into and actually a real part of for the first time in my life ;-; ♡
the group leader always seems to want me to sit next to her and her daughter is always interested in seeing what im working on when she comes at the end and she also tells me abt different crochet patterns she's seen on fb marketplace or she brings in old patterns for me to look through and take what i want, and then the card maker lady is offering to give me this big old crocheted clown doll that her mum made her years ago and she immediately offered to give me a ride home without me even saying anything (so that i wouldnt have to try take it home on the bus fjdkdl), and they were all super excited for me when i told them I was able to fix my accordion, and they just... treat me like an equal and a human person and fjdksl man ... it's so nice
AND IM JUST 😭💗 about it all !!!! it all feels so foreign to me !!!! i do not know when I've ever felt so fully part of a group and an equal to everyone there !!!
#and theyre always so happy to see me when i arrive fjfkdl#I've had coworkers be happy to see me but thats always been bc i was like... useful and made them feel good LMAO#its so easy to have coworkers enjoy ur presence if u do ur job well and compliment them when they do things well#or even just like. hey i like ur shoes. just simple things go a long way#so ppl have been happy to see me in the past but its only been bc i was useful to them ;-;#BUT THIS !!! this is just me being part of a group !!! i am an equal !!! its such a wild feeling !!!#im like... a full person !! its crazy !!#now granted. idk if they'd treat me the same if they knew that im queer and like. very mentally ill but DHDJDLL#thats okay idk i can live with not sharing those aspect of me bc it doesnt feel important in that setting#AUGGHHH it is just such a good feeling idk fjfldl i wish i could express it better#when u have been lesser ur entire life it is so incredible and wonderful to be treated as an equal#i did not realize how EASY it could be to socialize and feel safe with ppl if they'd just ... treat u like a human and an equal#like idk if I've ever felt so safe in my life around other ppl before fjfkdl this is crazy#ANYWAYS IM GETTING TOO DEEP ABT IT MAYBE SORRY FJFKDL im just soooo in awe that i get to experience this#and i wanted to share this bit of joy djfkdld#dandy.cmd
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Me looking at my own mood boards like “oh yeah this guy gets it”
#💭#📓#I love you friendship and midnight gospel and Kaluah and I love listening and hearing stories and laughing so hard and being full of joy and#and and like questions and sadness and grief and fear and all these things that are I usually deal with with isolation on codependence w my#mom like now I feel like I’m given the space to be a person and to be around someone who truly listens and lives and I’m realizing places#(stuck point.comma.therapy term) where I am finding myself uncomfortable with the way I handle a conversation specifically how I listen to#people I care about and listening to understand instead of listening to respond (not usually an issue with ppl I like) or listening to#relate I struggle a lot with that I tend to use immediate interrupting with my own thing to show I get it and that can quickly be overdone#and I’m starting to notice when I do it and I’m learning how to balance that with also learning to shut my mouth for a second and like give#people (Levi) (but also people in IOP actually) space to talk and feel and finish a thought and trying to validate (ew therapy term) and#fully listen and understand in ways that aren’t from my own perspective bc that’s a thing I struggle with but I am also comforted by the#fact that Levi will not punish me or be harsh to me if I mess up in the moments when I notice I’m doing it and maybe when I find myself#doing it I could say it out loud and apologize or like ask if there was more to say like idk I want to work on my listening#and not to use an excuse or whatever but I feel like I have been so isolated for so long like four years ish and I have not fully gained the#skill of listening to people at this stage of my life when I’m not in a direct classroom setting where you are almost allowed to interrupt#in order to add to a conversation but that’s not how all conversations are made to be and obviously (well maybe not obvious) but friends#can understand and discuss boundaries and feel comfortable over talking and speaking up when there was something you wanted to say and#having me wait a second idk idk how to explain it
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#am literally just so happy with my life rn im cooked and have to get it out i love my friends sm 💕💞💖 ive never had such a big lovely#friend group before somehow gemuinely makes the last 2 years of shit feel worth it ive been having the absolute time of my life for months#on end. i <3 goobers but like literally life is so much better now and faith in ppl restored a bit it has taken me 20 years to get to a#place full of likeminded individuals holy shit im still reeling its so freeing. heaps of great people!! all around me!! so healthy so smart#boooooo sappy. whatever. its saturday night#jay rambles#tumblr my dearest diary
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also btw my favorite professor is leavi ng next week and i thougut i was gonna get to say goodbye to her on her last day (next monday) and i put off reaching out to her and buying her a present and everything bc it is um. Too painful to accept that she’s about to leave and i put it off bc i couldn’t bear it. but i finally emailed her today and she won’t be available on monday after all she’s only available tomorrow and i don’t have a present or anythi ng for her and im not emotionally ready to say goodbye like im taking off friday and i was gonna use the three day weekend to prep and brace myself and now i have to do it tomorrow and i don’t have anything to give her and can’t go o it and buy anything bc i can’t drive and i have therapy and even if i could get a ride the stores will be closed by the time im done bc we had to schedule it late today. i can’t fucking take itttttt
#purrs#i can’t accept that she’s leaving and i have to write her a card at the very least. and i can’t accept it and the goodbye is going to be so#awkward. and it’s been SO hard not being able to talk to her abt **** leaving last july like she’s one of the ppl i would go to for that#and she’s like one of the only people on campus who understands me and gets how i react to things and speaks my emotional language. and i ha#haven’t been able to go to her bc she’s leaving too and so immediately all that convo is off the table. and it has KILLED me. and now she’s#about to leave and i have no more women mentors left on campus not even a full year into my new job during the time in my life where ihave m#most needed women mentors. yayyyyy 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#literally the way at this time last year i had 2 and now i have ZERO because they both fucking left. if you’d told me that a year ago i w#would’ve shriveled up and died. and here i am in the FAKE future where they are both gone / leaving and i am miserable and in hell. and i ha#have to… omg not o say this not to namedrop. but i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see. but i needed them to stick around longer s#so i could absorb. more of them and figure out how to be me too. bc they help make me.. me. and now they’re both gone…….. LOL!#delete later
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altho i cant fool myself , ive become very boring
#my life is full of nothing in particular#i keep myself busy w drawing and severe escapism in the forms of various medias i think most ppl around me r sick of hearing abt#i dont have much to offer anyone
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venting in the tags yippeee
#damien.txt#gender talk time 🤪✌️#....................................................................................#screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan#uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that#soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated?#as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns#neither do i she/her. or they/them.#and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here#and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways#i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all.#but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me#as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc#and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait.#and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it#and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever#bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is.#and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like#hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow?#like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even.#and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it#is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too.#and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all.#but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it#and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck.#and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that#and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck#and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol#AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor#lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️
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