#but i have a hard time because i like sad things lol :)
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hii. ohmg, just read your post about you becoming a master shifter and I'm sooo happy for you!! seeing successes on here genuinely makes me feel so inspired and happy, so thanks for sharing it with us.
however, i would love to know how you shifted for the first time, what blockages did u let go of to finally have shifted. also i hope you can mention the method when u first shifted (if u used any), which methods do you use to shift regularly now? how does it feel to be a master shifter? and if its okay with you, can you share wid us your Drs? ALSO IS SHIFTING RLLY AS EASY AS THEY SAY!!?
thankyouu soo much💌
♡ How i shifted for the first time ♡
The first time I shifted was a normal Sunday. I was so depressed and I absolutely didn't want to go to class because the next day I had a lot of control, so i just said to myself "I'll shift tonight or never" I was seriously determined, so I tried closing my eyes and putting on a subliminal but it didn't work so I fell asleep.
I woke up around 2 a.m. and realized that I hadn't succeeded. I was a little disappointed and very tired but I wanted to try again. So since it was still early and I had time, that's what I did. I concentrated on my dr very precisely, imagining myself looking in the mirror and dressing myself in my dream clothes, I was extremely focused on all the details , my face, clothes my friends, things like that.
It lasted about 20 minutes I think, until my eyes opened on their own and was in my room in my dr on my bed, I didn't immediately understand that I had shifted , everything seemed so normal. It took me 5 minutes to understand that my room had changed and I was like "Oh shit"
I think what made me succeed that night and not the others was that I was very focused on my dr and that I was too tired to notice the symptoms that I had, And also because those days I was alone at home and therefore my house was completely silent, so i understood that was just a problem of distraction
I didn't use any particular method, I just let myself go and I don't use any at all now. I just think very hard about my dr and I'm there
Honestly I really like being a master shifter, I feel so powerful lol😭. and it really boosted my self-confidence. It also means that now I no longer ask for anything at all because I know that if I want it I will have it whether it is with the shift or with the manifestation. When I realized that I had become a master shifter I first had a mini existential crisis. I was asking myself things like "So technically magic exists?" "So technically I'm immortal?" "So anything is really possible?" I wasn't really sad about it on the contrary. I found it incredible (and still do)
The shift also really changed the way I interact with others, whether here or in my other realities. Personally I don't make a script and I keep everything in my head because my subconscious knows what I want and sometimes in my dr my personality changes without me realizing it.
In my fame dr I am rather extroverted or even arrogant, and in my barbie charm school dr I am rather introverted and stubborn, the worst is that I never realized it until the day I had a big argument with my best friends from my fame dr. They didn't want to talk to me anymore and that's when I realized that yes, I can have problems even on shift in a perfect reality.
I have a lot of idea for my dr but for now i shift only in my better cr, fame dr and my Barbie charm school dr (I will definitely do a post about my dr).
I hope I answered all your questions :))
Xoxo, Solia ૮꒰ྀི⸝⸝> . <⸝⸝꒱ྀིა
#shiftblr#shifting motivation#shifters#shifting affirmation#shifting blog#shifting community#manifesting#shitpost#reality shifting#shifting antis dni#law of assumption#i am state#void state#master shifter
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Psst, hear me out: The Beast being fucking yanderes with the ancients.
You Get It™️ I mean... Did you guys see episode 6? Burning Simp Cookie is already a yandere lol. He's been there and he refuses to leave. And Shadow Milk is honestly not that far behind, he feels some type of way towards Pure Vanilla and it would be cute if it wasn't so sad and creepy lol
Really though, I just love hero/villain ships in general (always have, since long before Cookie Run ever existed) and I get a kick out of villains acting stupid over crushes (read: obsessions), and acting stupid in general. There's just something about a villain being in love with the hero to a psychotic, comical degree, and the hero rebuffing them at every turn that's just really amusing to me lol. Like what Joker sort of has with Batman, you know?
Here are my Yandere Beasts in bare-bones terms:
Burning Spice: come on, if you've read my stuff, you know EXACTLY what Yandere Spice is like lol. If not, I'll refer you to this and this, as well as my fics on AO3. If those don't tell you what Yandere Spice is like then idk how else to help you lol
Shadow Milk: if the final boss of theater/drama kids had a crush but was also a malignant narcissist of some sort lol. Absolutely DESPERATE for Vanilla's attention at all times. If he's not actively trying to worm into Vanilla's brain and harass him in his thoughts and dreams, he's in the real world brainstorming better ways to do that lol. He does not grasp why the creepy puppet shows and gaslighting attempts aren't convincing Vanilla to fall in love with him. Will attack and torment and insult Vani in one breath and then praise and love and worship him in another, because he's a histrionic clown freak with whirlwind emotions. But above all else, he literally thinks he owns Vani and is meticulously plotting the horrible and hilarious demise of any and all he perceives as a threat to their union
Eternal Sugar: World's Laziest Stalker™️. Almost exclusively haunts Holly in her dreams (I have to assume that that's what her power will entail, as the Beast of Sloth); however, she's more "effective" in her wooing attempts due to her past experience as the Herald of Happiness. She actually goes out of her way to construct dreams and the like that have things in them that make Holly happy (or what she thinks makes Holly happy; she, as well as the others, has big tunnel vision and is very selfish and self-absorbed, and thus pays more lip service to her own wants than those of who she loves/obsesses over). Thankfully doesn't run into Holly in person often because that's work... but sometimes she DOES work up the nerve to go after her for real, and... well
Mystic Flour: Denial, denial, denial. Not just a river in Egypt the Golden Cheese Kingdom, but she'll say and act like otherwise. No, she does not like Dark Cacao. He robbed her of her volition and the chance to enact her will. He prevented her from freeing the world from pain and suffering. He is a stubborn fool who refuses to understand the truth. He... is very handsome. She does not like how handsome he is. It is distracting. She doesn't like dwelling on her memories of him and their encounters. She doesn't like how she came to harbor a single kernel of respect in her heart after he stood his ground against her; a kernel that she inadvertently nurtured and cultivated slowly but surely, until... no. No, she doesn't like Dark Cacao. She doesn't think about him all day. She doesn't want to try to lure him back to her land so she can trap him in the flour fog with her again. She doesn't miss feeling his dark eyes on her. She doesn't deeply resent his attachment to his people, and seek to transfer that attachment to her instead. No, she... damn it, he's ruined her. He's made her feel things again. He's made her succumb to selfishness and greed, to earthly desire and attachment - desire for HIM, attachment to HIM. All of her hard work and enlightenment gone to waste... She doesn't want to like Dark Cacao, she recognizes the folly in such a thing, but she's stuck - and so stuck is she that not only does she not really see a way out, she doesn't WANT one. She's become too content with her attachment to him too quickly. Now she has to agonize over her own foolishness, and try to keep denying that she doesn't care while also longing for his attention and wanting to do away with all that steals his attention away from her
Silent Salt: probably the least awful of the five, but he's still creepy and that's not a high bar to clear anyway lol. Has a better grasp on "normal" behavior than the others (like... he pays attention to what White Lily likes/wants and tries to adjust accordingly), but he's following her around everywhere and acting extremely violent and territorial over her towards anyone who he catches approaching her. He's legitimately, surprisingly sweet and gentle towards her; he brings her flowers, he listens to her when she asks/tells him something, he's more or less respectful of her personal space (he will try to be as physically close to her as possible, but actually backs off a little if she asks him to, only to try again, and so on and so forth)... but he's still a villain, he's still violent and creepy, he still gets angry when she pays attention to other people for too long and he has brought actual harm to others out of jealousy. He's the best of the worst but that really doesn't mean much of anything, he's still a psycho creep like the others
In short, they form a tight-knit coalition of absolutely fucking deranged freakazoids and they should all probably die :)
#i'm having more fun with this idea than I probably should#please feel free to ask me more about Yandere Beasts I welcome it wholeheartedly#writing crazy people is so much fun to me lol#cookie run kingdom#burningcheese#goldenspice#silentlily#hollysugar#mysticcacao#pureshadow#shadowvanilla#ancient cookies#beast cookies#yandere beasts#new yandere beasts tag let's goooooo
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im going to say something slightly mean which is that i think there is an imagined aspect of jayce and viktor's relationship that the audience is projecting onto them that actually is not supported by the text itself and that imagined facet is the reason people think their parting is rushed more than the issues with the actual show's pacing 💀
like i do think some of what jayce actually SAYS in that scene feels kind of clunky and unearned and sorta tropey, not because of who jayce is, but because it feels like they had to cut some interstitial tissue for the sake of time constraints, but even if they hadn't had to i cannot fathom that scene being extended more than like....a minute. like what kind of argument are they going to have that wasn't the one that actually transpired?
i think it's pointed that viktor is weirdly emotionally stunted and icy after he was such an impassioned person in s1 and he said everything there was to say anyway, just with a colder affect. i guess jayce could have said "hey viktor wait" like. one more time lol but in general if you take everything we have presented by the text on its face their immediate falling out could never have been that long a conversation because there isn't actually that much to argue about. jayce did what he thought was right and what is the normal human thing to do (broke his promise to save his friend that he loves and cares about) and viktor did not want him to do that. which is literally what they said to each other. very directly.
also it's like...supposed to be cold and sad. i don't think viktor is going to be the sole big bad of the show but i do think that the whole point of what we've seen so far in act i is that the arcane is inhuman and strange and kind of hard to understand and viktor has been partly absorbed into that and jayce is still very very human and full of all his hopes and ideals and therefore not able to grasp the arcane's true nature yet. a like. screaming lover's spat or whatever was not going to happen given the narrative positions that these two characters occupy. it doesn't even happen really between the two characters who are actually lovers — cait and vi have an somewhat equivalently long (so pretty short) moment of disagreement before cait hits vi in the stomach and leaves. anything else would have felt like fanfictiony and cheap imo
#and it's not like this is the one and only time they're ever going to talk???? like pls they will REVISIT this disagreement#jayce#viktor#s2 spoilers
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I’m loving your theories on the whole BuckTommy (sorry Lou ilu but the name BuckTommy has stuck with me) arc. So I have to ask… why do you think people (read: fandom people) are convinced this is the last season? I really don’t see ABC/Disney undertaking this big of a show (money and following wise) and being like “yeah we’ll put time and effort into this production, but only for one season”
Thank you! Glad you love them, I feel slightly less of a clown when people understand how I think lol. Also - I was rooting for Tevan hard, and even Firefly, but I've accepted Bucktommy and now it has a special place in my heart.
As for your question... I think it all comes to change.
Let me explain. For shows to have a long life, they have to change. They have to evolve. We cannot feel as if we are tuning in to the same thing every week, especially when the same thing has long become boring. I will put Modern Family (my ultimate comfort show) as an example: the whole eleven seasons are of constant change. We are growing with the characters, we are happy, frustrated, sad, whatever, with their actions and choices. And because they are changing, we want to tune in next week to see what will be next.
911 has a severe issue of lack of change. The characters go through these cycles constantly; we said Buck was in a hamster wheel, but the truth is that every single character is in there, too. The writers are somehow unable to find new storylines or conflicts, that aren't what we have seen already, only this time with a new context.
This is partly the reason why so many people, and why a big part of the GA, latched onto Tommy and BuckTommy so quickly - because they were a breath of fresh air, and they felt like the much-needed novelty we were all expecting. If we don't have them, we go to the same repetitive stories - with Buck, but with everyone else, too, to be honest.
And if there is no change... people get bored. There are just so many times you can see Henren on the brink of losing their kids, or Buck trying to find the one (it's stopped being cute, especially when he just had the perfect partner for him walk away), Eddie being unable to move on or forget Shannon (because as much as he's 'better' - has he actually dealt with it?), Madney having either a kid storyline or a Dough-influenced storyline, Bathena having issues with communicating... eight seasons is a long time of this. And unless they change it up, just how much longer can they go? We joke about Grey's sometimes, but the fact is that they are constantly changing.
So. That's partly it.
But (without wanting to make this a whole novel), there were also rumors that some cast was hesitant to continue. Take this with a grain of salt, please, but rumor has it that Peter was kind of ready to walk away a while ago. He even has said in interviews he cannot do this for much longer, as 911 is a very exigent show to shoot. He even wanted Bobby to be killed off at the S7 opening emergency. Angela has also expressed a desire to be on Broadway, so that could also be conflicting. Again, take it with a grain of salt.
And as for ABC - you're right, they bought 911. But with the upcoming spin-off, one can't help but wonder if it is not complimentary but, rather, a substitute. Perhaps they are planning on moving someone from the OG there, who knows. The fact is that they managed to catch the audience's attention with the OG, enough that if they lose it but immediately have a variation of it, they might tune in. And this new show would be cheaper than OG is right now because let me tell you - it ain't cheap, as far as I am aware.
If you want my personal opinion on this - I am 50-50. I think it would be a very weird final season if this was the last, but I wouldn't be that surprised if we find out it is. I can see them going for a ninth season, but I cannot see them going further than a tenth, and that is being really generous. If they prove me wrong and are willing to adapt to change, I will happily eat my words.
PS: I do think if this is the last season, or even if we have it in the next couple of years, they could bring Tommy back (if they haven't yet), as a sort of rushed HEA. Kind of playing with the whole 'right person, wrong time', just bringing it to the right time finally.
Thanks for the ask <3
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Can I rant and ask for advice as well?
Because everyone is like “oh, just persist”, “ignore 3D”, “once you assume, it’s already yours”. But guess fucking what? I’ve been doing it but where the hell is everything I’m manifesting. It’s mine now right? So, why can’t I use it? To give context, there’s a contest I joined. And I’m aiming for the grand prize. Literally, believed that it’s mine. Just waiting for that email confirmation since the winner was supposed to be announced/notified last week. And nothing. The fuck is this??
Also, with regards to manifesting, I have been having a hard time. Because if I believe, and I do, but why is not in 3D. I can ignore 3D, but I also need what I’m manifesting here in 3D cause damn I want you to start changing my life.
I keep on spiralling. Cause why the fuck is it not here when it’s supposed to be instant? The fuck am I doing wrong. I’m so tired and exasperated!! Cause what the fuck is this? If I’m god, whatever I think/believe is. So why isn’t it?
Like I’m changing my self-concept to someone who’s lucky and win whatever I join in. But I just joined a game today (different from the contest), and I’m the only one who left not winning anything. Even when I’m consciously manifesting.
Wtf is this? What am I doing wrong?
Can you just give me the simplest and easiest and fastest way to manifest cause this is making me cry more that it is helping me.
Okay here's my opinion.
You are sooo focused on the 3d and i understand that because if i was in your position i'll do the same thing.
But let's look at it from another perspective.
If you were a lucky person, would you feel confident that you'll win? Of course you will.
That a state you will have, you'll identify with someone who's lucky and Always win in any game or competition, you feel me?
I'll tell you a little scenario that happened when i watched Harry Potter (if you know it lol):
Ron was going to play the quidditch game and he was going to play as the guard, but he felt super stressed and he really wanted to do good in the game so their team would win, so Harry told him that he literally putted the Lucky potion in his drink so ron quickly drank it and felt super good but then, hermione told harry why did you put it in his drink and that it was a stupid Idea, Harry told her that he didn't put the Lucky potion, he literally tricked Ron into thinking that he putted the Lucky potion in his drink, and Guess what? Ron won the game.
You understood it? That means it all about Mindset, if you were confident that you'll win in your game, it was going to happen.
Confident means that you are so sure that it gonna happen and you'll win the game.
What makes you confident? Because you know that you already have it in imagination, it already happened, it like you watched a movie so many times that you know the drill, you know what going to happen next, so treat imagination as that.
Persist in imagination do not persist in the 3d.
When you see something happening in the 3d, go check your 4d instead.
When they Say that you already have your desires, they mean that there's a reality where that version of you already won that game.
I advice you to read this post.
If you want more information read this.
Don't be sad, you Can Always revise and change it, even if it too late.
Remember: consciousness is the only reality.
Xoxo, Eli
#law of assumption#loa tumblr#loa#loa blog#law of manifestation#how to manifest#loassumption#asks#anon ask#void state#affirm and manifest 🫧 🎀✨ ִִֶָ ٠˟
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I know everyone knows the story of Actaeon and how he met a terrible fate by stumbling upon Artemis bathing in her forest but did you know that Actaeon was Apollo's grandson? That his father was Aristaeus, lord of the bees and the rustic arts and his mother was Autonoe, daughter of Cadmus and princess of Thebes?
Did you know he was trained by Chiron? That he was considered a hunter so skilled his talent was considered divine, that he was his parents' only child and that he was loved?
Did you know the grief that consumed the household when word of Actaeon's fate reached them? That Cadmus cut his hair, that Harmonia wept and was disconsolate and that his parents... well, Autonoe walked the length of the forest, keeping a sharp eye out for her son, but all she saw were the scattered bones of a fawn. Aristaeus too, had heard his son was torn apart and so fruitlessly, foolishly searched for the bones of a man. (There was none to be found)
Did you know that it was Actaeon's ghost, unhappy and unburied, trapped on the earth, who leaned over his sleeping father and told him of his fate? "You will not find me as you knew me, gather me as a stag." And Aristaeus immediately woke his wife and told her the truth, and together they grieved all the night long.
(Did you know that this is why Aristaeus abandons Boeotia? He could not stand the sight of it and so he went to Ceos. And there he slayed the dog-star. And there he became a healing wind. All in the name of his only son, that foolish, beloved Actaeon.)
#ginger chats about greek myths#greek mythology#I'm fascinated by Aristaeus tbh#He's very underrated as far as sons of Apollo go but to my understanding#He's the only one of Apollo's sons that's as multitalented as their old man LOL#Actaeon is also a very sad story#Actaeon only ever knew one side of his family - they never told him that Artemis was his family#In the Dionysica Nonnus writes that Actaeon intended to bring glory to his family by taking Artemis as a bride#And in Callimachus' Hymn they say that his parents thought he was going to JOIN Artemis' hunt and they didn't question him missing#Because they thought he would be running free in the wilds alongside Artemis and her nymphs where he surely belonged#I feel especially bad for Autonoe - she passes by the bones of that deer so many times - almost like she's on the verge of recognising#that those bones belong to her son but she never picks them up - so fixated on looking for her son's body as she knew him#And of course Aristaeus takes it hard too#Some people say this tragedy was enough for him to abandon all of Greece in his mourning and that he took sanctuary in Sardinia#A lot of them say he consulted his father's oracle at a loss for what to do and that it's Apollo that leads him to Ceos#Interestingly - Ceos is also where Cyparissus is said to have lived by some authors and as we all know#Cyparissus had a beloved stag that he cared for like his own heart#It's just very very interesting how some of these things connect to each other#apollo#actaeon#aristaeus#autonoe#cadmus#harmonia
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself
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When you weren’t looking (Patreon)
#Doodles#Adventure Time#Marceline#Fionna and Cake#Simon Petrikov#Just casually crying at my own art while I make it no biggie#Just ahhhh they do love each other! They want what's best for each other! But they missed each other so much!! And they still are!!#Both that they miss each other in the sense that they're lonely while together - Simon's Marceline was a child and Marcy's Simon was well#Not Ice King but also kinda yeah - and she'll never see him again#It's gotten be bittersweet#It's good that he has his mind! Very good! But he is forever un-changed/re-changed#I think it's canon that Simon was returned to being in his early 30s because Golb ate his age post him getting the crown?#It's not a retcon obviously lol but it's like his future has been retconned canonically in himself that's Gotta feel weird#But it basically undid the Simon that Marceline knew - the man who raised her was un-done even though they both remember him#Both of them just have to not think too hard about it probably :')#But even not thinking about that - Simon is still getting older! He's aging like a normal human again! And everything that comes with that#I love his crow's feet a lot <3 And his hair streak is so chic how did his genes know he would look so cute haha ♪#Poor both of them - I do want them to be happy! They've just got so much sad!#I also think it's quite funny that all those years ago before I watched AT Marceline was the one fanart I made haha - the more things change#Still drawing her! I wonder if younger me would be surprised#I like her short hair :D Her long hair is lovely - all her hairstyles are lovely! - but the short hair is so cute#Really reminds me of her kid hairstyle ;u; I'm sure that doesn't hurt Simon at all haha#I draw it a lot like Tala's hairstyle as well haha - it's The Kid hairstyle!
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Google how to make peace with the fact that you will always be vaguely to extremely uncomfortable (depending on the day) with your body and how others perceive it until the day you die and nothing you do will ever change that
#I almost wish I was much more masc leaning than I am#so the answer would just simply be ‘go on t’#I keep seeing so many posts that are like hrt is good! this is your sign to go on hrt if you’ve ever wanted to!#GOD I wish I were that simple#(those aren’t bad posts that’s not the point they’re just not applicable to me and seeing the sentiment makes me sad and a bit frustrated)#(cuz for me it’s not that easy)#like are there some things T would do to my body that I would like?#yes absolutely. I would LOVE a deeper voice and fat redistribution#but like. that’s it#I would not want it to do anything else#in fact that idea of anything else and potentially ‘passing’ as a man makes me VISCERALLY uncomfortable#I do not want to be a man and I do not want ppl to perceive me as a man#but the same is true for being a woman#I do not like a lot of feminine traits but I do not want to strictly trade them for masculine ones#UNFORTINATELY you cannot pick and choose the affects of hrt#there is no way to ‘look androgynous’ (which is what I want)#(yes ik you can use shapewear and makeup and contour and that can do SOME)#(but it’s A LOT of work and effort I don’t have time or energy to do every day)#(and there’s still some things about my body I wouldn’t be able to alter doing stuff like that)#and it’s like sure I could go on T. but I’d still have this problem just the opposite direction#and it. sucks#it sucks so hard knowing there’s literally no conceivable way I will ever just have a body#that correlates to how I feel gender wise and will get people to ‘gender me correctly’#just based on how I look#and it’s something I’ve been thinking about recently a lot and it’s making me FHDJDKKSSKKSKS in a bad way#I know it’s cuz it’s pride month and I follow A LOT of trans ppl#who are posting trans pride and hrt and surgery info and stuff#(and obviously these are all very good things as I said)#it’s just. because of my particular situation they make me feel… bad#because I won’t ever have an option to be comfortable and happy with how I look lol
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........creachure
#cats#his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way...#it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy#his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat)#I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol#the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally#I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh#currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from#sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous#and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that#I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky#because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr#ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your#guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature#be upon ye..#Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely.#but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start#On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed#.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes.#sculptures. edit videos. etc. ).#anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world
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the thing is life continues to be hard and brutal and test me in some really painful ways but also I’m doing soooooooooo much better than I was a year ago because so many things have changed that needed to change and my coping skills are better, my sense of self is more stable, my relationships are more stable. so like so much to be thankful about every day even though I almost never am because I’m ungrateful and self-absorbed in the moment.
#all of last year was just everything being upended#change on change on change#and so of course I was like ‘it’s been a year aren’t I DONE now’#and of course that is not life lol#(The best moment in the Barbie movie really was the ‘life IS change’ line)#but also sometimes you reap the fruit of hard things#and moving out and starting counseling#have both been huge#as things I needed and NEVER wanted#but I feel so glad for them now#and also just some of the stuff both of those changes have pushed me to examine#has led me to be so much more stable#overall I think#and like/ I’m still not happy all the time lol#there are things that are breaking my heart#and because I’m me there’s things that are breaking my heart that I know and things I’m probably not aware of#but I really do think some of the biggest things are settling#anyway will I feel terribly horribly sad soon? Yes probably.#But they are countered by these moments where my life feels for the first time like something I want to think about with my whole brain#and something that is enough to fill my whole heart#and it never did before. I was always like ‘yes yes my life that’s so good’ but also I was always trying to look away from it#and lose myself in endless distractions#and even sometimes the most beautiful side quests of my brain were still side quests#because I didn’t want to look at my life straight on#and somehow some equation has flipped and I don’t think of my life last now#or only out of the corner of my eye between my obsessions#out of fear and anxiety. Like I’m on my own kid I can face this! Etc.#and what I see is a life that IS good and has so much for me to do and there is so much to love and I DO have what I need#even if not’s what I ordered from the menu of life ANYWAY this is way more detail than you needed lolllll BUT YEah#just wanted to say it. thank you for listening
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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Count the ways I've had a fucked up life:
-Shoved my twin sister when we were 3 and saw blood come out of her ears from the knock on her head. From that point on she was half-deaf. -Twin sister and I nearly drowned at age 6 by being pulled into a powerful rip-tide at an unsupervised beach. My parents thought it was cute until we couldn't swim back and they both had to swim out to get us. I remember being really tired, and them being unsure about being able to swim back to shore.
-At age 11 witnessed my mother forgetting to apply the brake to her car. She tried to get back in and tripped, it subsequently rolled over her, crushing her foot and dragging her down the road. She bled profusely. The crimson stained pavement haunted me for a long time. I blamed myself because I arrived home from a friend's house at the same exact same time and believed I distracted her.
-Accidently electrocuted myself when I was bored while watching my siblings play on the computer. Without looking, I fiddled with the back of an old lamp with my finger tips, but I didn't know that fumbling the cables would cause it to surge. The large shock sent my arm numb for about an hour. Didn't seek treatment because the power tripped and I was worried I would get yelled at.
-Deep in the bush, during a particularly dry summer, family friends stupidly made a bonfire, and I saw our campsite get quickly lit up. As the flames surrounded us and the cars, I was yelled at to go get help/manual water pumps as if it was my fault. Somehow we managed to put it all out. We had to try something because the alternative was getting trapped.
-Was on the phone to my grandma when she had a stroke, I had no idea what was going on, to the point I thought it was a prank. I was crying because it wasn't something I was even aware could happen to someone, I continued to listen and her language skills deteriorated the longer I was on the phone. She became convincedly desperate despite her incoherence and somehow I broke away from my fear and got my dad to help her.
-My mother stabbed my older sister in the arm with a kitchen knife and they both just walked off. I remember being around the corner listening to the argument escalate and saw my older sister clutching her arm. (my sister is very violent so I think it was done in self defense???)
-Dad threw that same sister into the drywall multiple times--Not to excuse it but she was a devil, and would attack / lunge at us, and disrespected my parents from a young age. Dull thudding against walls sends me on edge to this day because it was one way to identify a scuffle with her.
-Mum had a cabinet pushed onto her by my older sister. The cabinet had a glass panel that shattered on her leg and sliced it open.
-My twin sister got upset at me and swung a 10kg metal bar stool at my leg, the blunt force tore my leg open, I now have a very sensitive scar on my shin. -My mum ran at me in an anger spell and I blocked it by pushing her away from me (that's legitimately all), she slipped on the slippery cork floors we had and fell over hitting her head hard. She was unconscious for a few minutes. Her tongue was sticking out and her eyes were open. I thought I had killed her. I wanted to call an ambulance. She woke up and I begged to her that she needed to go to hospital but she brushed it off because we had to catch a flight.
-On my way back from a lunch break I saw a woman go under a Truck. Once again I blamed myself because I crossed in front of the driver at a crossing, and nodded to him. As he rolled forward to leave she sprinted across, I turned and saw that she got hit. -My older sister took advantage of my mum and got into large debts by getting her to co-sign loans behind my dad's back. My mum was paying off things like her phone bill and eventually a car loan. This caused a lot of violent contention.
-Older Sister was kicked out of multiple times but my parents never fully cut her out and now she lives scott-free in a brand new granny flat in the backyard because of their guilt.
-lived in relative poverty and mess most of my teenage life because it was too expensive to send 4 kids to school for my parents. They worked full time but didn't really provide us with any emotional security. Both parents were very messy but blamed us for it as we got older. I tried my best to keep things clean but it was often in vain (it is to this day as things have escalated to full hoarding)
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#SO UH THIS IS WHY I DRAW .NOT BECAUSE IM ANY GOOD NO SIR JUST BECAUSE IT WAS A FORM OF ESCAPISM HAHA :'3#stability is such a cute little dream to have#its not ALL bad but most people probably wouldnt cope with what i have seen#i have not had therapy for any of this lmao#i straight up have memory holes because there was so much time arguing and witnessing horrible shit#my poor mum she is very highly strung i dont blame her my sister is a spoiled 40 year old abusive brat#day dreamer life baby#got struck a lot too by my mother her weapon of choice was the wooden spoon idk hey haha it was just sort of the norm back then#the paradox was that my family would still do normal things like camping or having dinner parties and those were great#processing it all is hard lmao i have anger issues and depression spells#idk why im posting this might delete it later lol#this all sounds fake hahaha which but it's real i promise#the second my older sister became autonomous it was over#notice my dad and brother arent in this picture much#my brother is...idk okay he has demons and my dad is nice for the most part but he lives in his own world#im sad...#they dont realize i have absorbed all of this and it has formed who i am#i love my family but i dont love....the horror
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Also since I am being too personal and there is a slim chance one or two members from that old college friend group might see this, in bombshell news Ren and I are no longer friends, and Ren and Fed (now Fae) are divorced. Ren and I ended late December 2022, so it's been 1.5 years and I am finally, finally starting to feel better.
In my version, I couldn't emotionally support Ren through their divorce anymore, and I needed a break from talking about it literally 4x a week. They found out I talked to Fae about the divorce after I set that boundary with them (because that was the third time Fae ever asked for insight about the divorce, and it was still almost too much) and Ren ghosted me! My best friend of seven years ghosted me because I set a boundary and wasn't capable of emotionally supporting them anymore. We literally talked every single day for our whole friendship before that point.
After 2 months of occasionally reaching out to them and getting radio silence, I ended our friendship. The ending was mutual in the last conversation we had.
#Shit sucks#I was literally planning on having them as a life partner and living with them since I was 18#But it happens#And honestly my life is a lot better now#I never really felt like I could be happy around them or talk about my life when it was good because they were always so sad#And they were always having a really really hard time#And I wanted to support them but I didn't want to be in a hard spot myself#And it felt like we could only connect on shitty things#By the end I did not recognize them at all#And from how they have acted and what they have said after and how they see themselves is just#I have no idea who this person is#And I never realized how much they hid from me#That friendship ending is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do#That was all of my 2023 just recovering from that friendship ending#I went to therapy specifically because of it#Anyway#I've wanted to kind of let people who knew us know but I can't do that lol#So talking into the void feels good#But losing Ren and Fyo devastated me#I still talk to Julia P Fae and Olwen though#I love all of them a lot and I am really happy we are still friends#Celestia says stuff#It honestly was a bit of a blessing that they ghosted me even though it was utterly devastating and broke my heart like nothing else#Because any other ending would have been so much harder#It was (mostly) clean and quiet and quick#And I just don't think we could have been friends anymore with how they were acting and treating people#So
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#it was very hard for me to find any drawings from the beggining of the year (first 3 months had bearly anything)#seems like I didn't draw much at that time#but I can expect it's because of the cat fighting with the dragon redraw thing I was working on :v#I was working on improving my anatomy of humans during this year#and you can see it's better#albeit it's herd to tell#since there isn't too many humans here#but i still improved#and I thing my work with lighting and shadows also improved a bit#so I'm happy with my progress throught 2023#I hope I can do even better in 2024#(and have some drawings to show for it lol)#also I find it funny that my last drawing of 2023 was sad furina xd#my post
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