#but i guess sometimes you just waste time on that kind of stuff and don't use that in the end

[kaiserouo]

<3

actually i made a calligraphy thing for him but its too distracting so i yeeted it out the window

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Ace Trappola - Room Relaxation Voice Lines

When Summoned: Yaaaawn, sooo sleepy... But it's a waste to keep sleeping! I think I'll roll around in bed some more.

Summon Line: Since it's my birthday, that means I can pretty much get away with askin' for whatever I want, right? Wonder what I should get my roommates to do for me...

Groooovy!!: No way, I overslept!? No way I can hit up the school with bedhead on my birthday of all days!

Home: Whew, now I'm feelin' fresh～

Swap Looks: Guess I'ma go wash m'face...

Home Idle 1: I couldn't find the shirt I was gonna wear tomorrow, but it ended up being mixed in with my roommate's stuff. Annoyin' how that happens sometimes.

Home Idle 2: Ruggie-senpai forced some vegetable seeds into my hands. He said I better share some with him when I harvest 'em... Would this even grow that much?

Home Idle 3: You wanna know about this hoodie? I bought it at a clothing shop in Foothill Town. It's pretty comfy, and also perfect to wear as loungewear, don'tcha think?

Home Idle - Login: Don't birthday mornings just feel special? I'm so jazzed I even get really into doin' up my hair!

Home Idle - Groovy: Kalim-senpai threw me a huge party as a celebration even though I'm not in Scarabia... Maaan, he's always so insanely nice!

Home Tap 1: Sometimes I'll play darts or card games with my roommates. 'Though, there's one loud-mouthed, thick-headed idiot that's always gettin' in the way!

Home Tap 2:I can't even imagine what kind of present Malleus-senpai could pick for me～ I guess I got nothing to lose by asking him... Nah, never mind.

Home Tap 3: I got softer hair, so I get bedhead super easily. Man, I've been late so many times 'cause of it!

Home Tap 4: I was messin' with Sebek, pushing his buttons and sayin' he probably sucks at gift-giving, when he shouted, "I'll show you what I can really do!" Ahaha, oh, I totally can't wait to see what he comes up with～

Home Tap 5: Eh, my hair's sticking out in the back!? Ugh, seriously? I thought I fixed it up. Guess I'll hafta fix it up in a flash during break.

Home Tap - Groovy: You like my taste in loungewear? I knew you'd get me. And see, I even picked these sandals in the same color to give it an overall coordinated look!

Duo: [ACE]: Can't wait to see how you'll celebrate with me, Kalim-senpai! [KALIM]: Let's dance, sing, and party hard, Ace!

Birthday Login Message: Oh hey, did you come to celebrate my birthday? Nice timing, we just finished morning basketball practice! My clubmates all wished me a happy birthday, too. Jamil-senpai said it as soon as he saw me, and by some miracle, Floyd-senpai gave me a very normal birthday greeting. I'm sure glad he was in a good mood～ Oh, hey. We should hit the Mystery Shop between classes. ...Hm? Why're you tensin' up? Huuuh? C'mon, I didn't say nothing about treating me, now diiid I? Hehe, see you later～

Requested by @thelonepearl.

[olderthannetfic]

Hi OTNF and everyone,

I am finding that it's harder and harder and harder to get into anything - book, show, movie... most things seem, you know, to just not be doing it for me, be it fanfic or original stuff.

In part, I think, it's a general restlessness and that it's become harder to give anything enough time to get into the stories, the characters, the settings, the narrative voices... I guess you can call it attention deficit on my part, just a need for stories to deliver those sweet, sweet hits quickly, but they're not.

I'm not currently ficcing but I did for years (might again in the future, who knows), and it's made reading, specifically, harder. It's like I've become more aware of what goes on behind the scene, I guess? I feel like I can see the writer giving up on a sentence, skipping a scene because fuck this, trying hard to not repeat a word although it's the only one that fits, etc.

Or maybe it's just the *everything* around us in the world that is weighing on me too much? I could say it's adult life, but then again I have more free time than most (and boy do I need hours of doing nothing to survive the other hours), and no family/partner (all that would put even more pressure on me): what is wrong, to make everything so UGHHH?

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut with a brain moaning feed me, feeeed me, and whatever I try to give it, it spits everything out. (Yes, I've tried hobbies, and nothing sticks there either. I've never really found rewards or satisfaction there, so...)

Decades ago as a kid, I was a voracious reader, although studying literature took the pleasure of it away from me. It took time and discovering fanfic that brought me back to reading, but at the time the internet was starting to be a thing, too, and it can't have helped the attention thing. AFAIK I'm not ADHD but then again, I couldn't get a proper diagnosis (the therapists I saw were either dismissive or just about The Talking, which was pointless for me).

I just wonder how it all disappeared, you know? Sometimes I find something that catches my attention for a while - a book (but I read quite quickly when motivated), a fandom... but it's been a while now, and it's just so frustrating! When is it going to come back? Will it ever? *gulp*

I know that books were escapism when I was a child, and then fandom was escapism, but at the moment I find myself grabbing at air and my empty hands are mocking me. Give me my escapism baaaaack!

So, uh. Anyone here with me?

--

Yes.

I felt like that during part of lockdown. Anhedonia is common in those kinds of circumstances.

Getting your mojo back is certainly possible, but you may need to go see a professional about depression and have some chemical assistance (yes, even if you don't feel sad per se), or you may need to change your lifestyle to one that doesn't have the thing causing you to need eleventy billion hours of downtime.

Aside from serious interventions like that, you can consider a social media detox. Remove every source of doomscrolling and time wasting of that type. When the attention span is zero and nothing brings joy, the tiny and useless hits from finishing a game of solitaire or seeing one more instagram post become very attractive. This is a trap. It will suck what little energy and joy you have and make your muscles flabby for the work of getting into an in-depth book/hobby/experience.

I know the feeling of being able to see how the sausage is made, but... well... first, being in a better mental state will make that matter less, and second, reading prose that is more competent will make that less of an issue. A lot of mainstream tradpub genre fiction is not, in my opinion, very well written these days. Obviously, people are still enjoying it, and that's fine, but if you're noticing writers fumbling around, it might be time to check out some literary fiction or some other category known more for prose quality than anything else.

It's also important to have some structure and some things to look forward to. Even if you feel tired, overwhelmed, and busy, sometimes, the answer is to do more... But it must be things that are distinct and significant and that get you off of the couch, like going to one museum every weekend.

I saw some advice once about this kind of thing that phrased it as "One big adventure; one small adventure."

Every week, you should have those two things to look forward to that matter. Check out a new coffee shop. That could be the small one. Go to an event: a gallery opening, a concert, whatever.

Physical exercise and doing some things that aren't as verbal and conscious thought-involving is important too. Painting is a better hobby for zoning out than writing is. Taking long walks in nature is good for most people.

--

The kind of intense, obsessive love I had for reading as a child and that I sometimes have for fandom requires a lot of attention and some time. It's escapist, but that masks how much work it actually was. It didn't feel like work only because we were in training.

If you've filled your brain and your day up with a thousand petty annoyances or minor and useless attempts to feel something, you won't have the capacity for those deeper things.

Because you are already at a point that's equivalent to a bad sprained ankle, trying to get back to running right now won't work. You have to stay off of the ankle for a bit, then build your strength and stamina back up.

[drdemonprince]

i read in the comments to my last ask about "ordinary unhappiness" the idea of depression as a lack of agency and i feel like that is true? when i feel miserable and in pain, it's not because something is sad but because something is either unachievable or impossible (or at least there is the perception of it). and like i think that's what you were getting at too? this thing that drives you to keep going, this lack of satisfaction. i simply don't have anything i can give into such that i would ever even feel a lack of satisfaction. i've never had anything to give myself into and feel frustrated and perhaps sometimes successful in but instead i just envy the people who do have those things. nothing i've ever done has felt maintained a sense of emotional connectiveness in that way (positive or negative). i guess to wrap this back around to another potential talking point, i'm curious how you find that in your life? is it weird for me that nothing has ever felt worth putting myself whole ass into? idk, i find it envious you've got both writing and gay hypno fetish stuff you're able to just throw yourself into so wholly and utterly

Passion isn't inherent, it can be a choice too. I only look like I care a ton about writing and gay hypno stuff because I have deliberately chosen to pursue those passions, for many years, and cultivated a deep interest in them, anon.

When I was in my early twenties, I felt completely empty. I was a void. If you've read the first chapter of Unmasking Autism, this is the period I'm talking about in that book. I went away to graduate school (because I was good at academics, and I had some illusions about what a career in that field would do for me), but I had absolutely zero zest for the subject of psychology at that point. I had no research ideas. I read psychology books and publications purely out of obligation. I did what was required of me, but nothing additional beyond that, and I spent the rest of my time sitting at home, sometimes literally staring at the wall and crying. I had no friends or hobbies, aside from taking long, long depression walks listening to podcasts in order to fill the silence.

This was when I was at my most depressed, and my most suicidal. Just existing was a pain. I'd sob in bed at night and cry out begging for God to kill me, and I didn't even believe in God. The only thing that distracted me from my pain was a guy I was seeing, who was beautiful and very cruel and inconsistent, and I clung to him through all kinds of lies and abuse because it felt as though my happiness was located inside of him.

I had a friend that I wrote to about how miserable I was, and all the twists and turns that my horrible romance was taking. Her name was Heather. (Unlearning Shame is dedicated to her). She told me hey, you're a really good writer, did you know that? I really enjoy reading your emails, even when you're speaking about the most pitiful anguished shit, you really put it poetically and have a ton of insight. You should write more.

For a while, I ignored her. I didn't care about writing. I just wanted to get my pain out on the page because I had nobody to talk to, and oodles of time to waste. I had nothing otherwise that I felt I HAD to say. I had no PASSION. I did not feel like I was put on this earth to do anything. Other people seemed to have these drives, and I had nothing.

But then one day in a fit of depression I stopped by a bookstore right near my apartment, The Armadillo's Pillow, just to get outside of the house. I happened upon a book I had loved in high school, Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. I took it home. I read it. It transported me for a few hours away from my pain. I went back to the book store and picked up some sci-fi. A John Varley collection, I think. I was also swept away from my suffering, even when the stories had flaws that I noticed. I was interested in the actual craft of storytelling: what worked and what didn't. And there was finally some beauty in my head instead of the usual dreariness and self-hatred and emptiness.

And so. I made the choice to write. I could have taken it or left it at that point. I didn't care about anything. Caring is a muscle that you have to flex. And when you're depressed, it can be very hard. I needed a lot of nudges from the external world and other people, to realize that I had some things I did gravitate toward, even if I didn't realize it.

All that time of course I WAS driven to write. I was churning out 5k word letters to Heather every day practically. I was reading stupid shit online. And when it was put in front of me, and I had no reason to feel guilt about not working hard enough on other things, I reached for books. But I didn't feel passion strongly under the heavy blankets of my depression. Or usually at all, really. I am a quite internally muted person whose emotions are suppressed. But they're there. Speaking to me softly. And to overcome my depression, I had to decide to listen to them instead of ignoring them all of the time, and give them kindling, and then fan them into a flame.

I started blogging regularly while I was in graduate school (right here, hello, you can check my archive dating back to 2011), and finding a reason to live. When I was writing, I felt like the world was interesting, and beautiful. It gave me new things to do. I attended literary readings and book launches all over town. I submitted work to magazines. I bought old copies of magazines and read them. I inhaled books. I listened to fiction podcasts. I joined writing groups. At first, it felt like a slog, like anything else. Doing these things, I was not "happy". But I was interested. I liked learning about the world of publishing, critiquing people's stories in my head, and commisserating with other Tumblr writers about the stuff that got featured on the Prose tag that sucked.

After YEARS of doing this, of choosing to fan my passions, it became a genuine motivation in my life. But even then? I lose track of it sometimes. I get busy, or there's no place comfy to sit and read in my apartment, and I forget that I like writing and reading for months at a time. And then I have to choose it again. It takes effort to care about something, every time.

It's the same way with hypno. I did have a fetish for this stuff all my life long. But it's a passion that people always thought was weird and gross, and that I thought was bad. I didn't tell anyone about it until my late 20's. I felt ashamed masturbating to it or looking up hypno content online. For years I snuffed out that flame of passion until I could barely feel it anymore. It wasn't until I was super depressed AGAIN in my later 20's that I took a bunch of weird off-label anti-depressant drugs under the table and had a weird dreamy headspace overtake me and make me insanely horny that I remembered how much I loved hypno, and because I was in search of an escape from my tormented brain, I sought hypnotists out.

And I had the time of my life. But I also had boring, awkward encounters, bad hook-ups, and had to do a ton of work.

My passions have drawn me out of depression because I needed them to. I had to find them, listen to them, and then give them lots of food. And it's one of the few things that a person does often have agency over, no matter how dispiriting their circumstances. You can make choices about where to put what attention you do have, in what free moments you do have. When you're on the bus or in line at the grocery store and you're thinking about how much you hate yourself, you can try to think about a story you read or a sexual fantasy you had, instead. It's a lot of work. But it's better work than the work of hating yourself, which takes a whole lot of energy and attention itself.

I hope you can find something like this for you. It doesn't really matter what it is. It can be some hobby you've always wanted to try, or something "childish" you've suppressed. Having a passion isn't like being chosen by the universe to care about something. It's not like love at first sight. Nothing fucking works like that in life. It's always work. It's always a choice you have to make, because no one else will give it to you. But there can be hints that you can follow, sometimes.

[melminli]

My Girl

pairing: maki zen'in x fem. reader

summery - being in love with your best friend can be difficult sometimes, maybe even more when you're both girls.

word count: 1.8k

contains: wlw, grumpy black cat x happy golden retriever trope, fluff, angst, internalized homophobia, comfort, modern au

She had been an outsider since the day she was born. Someone who didn't belong, someone who didn't conform to the norm. Her family made her feel that way since the day she was born, and so she grew up in a pretty pessimistic world. She got used to her situation. Well, she kinda had to. It wasn't a hard pill to swallow since she didn't know any different and was used to dealing with the situation. Her parents might rather have one strong boy than two weak girls, and she might rather have other parents. Guess not everyone can have what they want.

Maki watched you with a longing look while you were fooling around with inumaki at some store window a little further away. You smiled as you excitedly pointed your finger at various objects and pulled the arm of the boy next to you to draw his attention abruptly to something else every now and then.

After a while, she turned her eyes away from you in shame, having been watching your figure a little too closely and paying a little too much attention to your various facial expressions.

You were a new reason for Maki to feel like an outsider in this world, and this time, it scared her a little because it wasn't the situation she was used to. If she knew that I think about her like that, it would certainly make her sad. She thought to herself and then sighed. I should just not think about her, maybe not think at all.

"They spend a lot of time in front of that store, I'm afraid we won't be able to get them out once they go in." Yuuta laughed next to her while scratching his head a little worriedly. His eyes then wandered to the sign again. "I didn't realize those two were so into this sanrio stuff."

Maki looked at him out of the corner of her eye before adjusting her glasses. "She's liked sweet stuff ever since I've known her, whether it's stuffed animals or food. Inumaki says it's not really his thing, and he just doesn't mind going along with her, but I think he secretly likes all that stuff, too."

Yeah, from Yuuta's observations, that explanation seemed accurate. "That stuff doesn't really seem to be your thing, though, and yet you didn't object when she said she wanted to visit this store. If it's one of us who asks you to hang out, you're never in the mood." He playfully referred to himself and the other boys.

She shrugged her shoulders uninterestedly. "That's because I don't like you guys. Don't want to waste my time." Maki said without hesitation and sent an arrow into Yuuta's heart. "Although well, I guess you're not entirely wrong. Sweet stuff isn't really my thing. But that's okay, I don't mind. We sometimes do things I like as well."

Yuuta recovered and raised an eyebrow with interest. "Yeah? Like what?"

The time a few weeks ago were you two were at the movies together came to her mind. "We watched a horror movie a while ago." She said, grinning slightly at the memory.

The boy looked a little irritated. He knew that you were quite the scaredy cat, especially when it came to jumpscares. "Really? That doesn't sound like her."

Maki shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, I was surprised too when she offered to go with me after mentioning that I wanted to see it." She admitted. "It was kind of cute though, she hardly dared to take her hands off her face. I don't know what made her do that to herself. Really can't figure out what's going on in her head sometimes."

Yuuta had to stop himself from sighing. It's so obvious, though. "Yeah, it really is a great mystery....I also want to emphasize again that I think it's really mean of you how you prefer her to all of us." The boy pouted slightly. I mean, I understand why, but she still doesn't have to say it like that.

"It's different with her." She said directly as her eyes turned back to your figure, who finally decided to storm into the store and waved excitedly to her to signal it. "...she's my best friend."

The black-haired boy looked somewhat doubtful at his friend, who made her way over to you. "...sure." He said with narrowed eyes and followed her. Me when I'm lying.

Green eyes looked down at the small plush toy pendant in her hand and stroked her finger through the fabric. What was the name of that thing again...was it Kuromi? Maki asked herself inwardly, not knowing exactly what kind of animal it was supposed to represent as she inspected it from different angles. It doesn't matter, you bought it for her the other day from this store you went to. She didn't remember what yours was called, but you had the pink version or whatever.

"Hey Maki, are you ready to go? Sorry if you had to wait a while, Jun was holding me up a bit. I mean, I swear to god she's really cute but also so pushy sometimes." You sighed and set off as she got up from her seat on the bench. It had become routine for the two of you to go to the café near the school building every Tuesday since you both got out early and liked to go for drinks together.

"That's all right. You always write me a hundred messages if you're being really late." She teased you and knew that it always secretly bothered you that you were always runnung somewhat late since you just didn't really have a good sense of time.

You avoided her gaze. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that." You just replied and stopped on the sidewalk when you both reached the red light.

Maki didn't even try to stifle her grin. "So, which one was Jun again?" She asked you because she couldn't always put a name to the stories you told her.

"She's the one who always asks me what kind of guys I like so she can link me to one of her friends." You said a little annoyed at the memory and walked across the intersection as the light changed to green. "I don't know what her problem is, to be honest, like how about just someone who's halfway a decent person, huh? From what she told me about her boyfriend, I doubt she knows anyone like that."

Maki just looked to the side a little uncomfortably at the subject. I shouldn't have asked, ugh. She didn't like being reminded of how you could probably have something like a boyfriend someday. Even though you hated men and were always ranting about them, it somehow seemed like that in the end, the pretty girls with a sweet personality like you always ended up with some weird asshole.

She tried to shake the thought out of her mind as she held the door open for you. No, not even over my dead body.

That sounded like a nightmare. She would never let something like that happen. Maki continued to be a little lost in thought as you ordered for the two of you (a sweet iced coffee and a hot black coffe with sugar), and when a good seat became available, you just told her to sit there quickly while you waited for the drinks.

"Here you go." You said and sat down in front of her after placing the two cups on the table. As you took a sip of your sweet coffee, you noticed something unusual. "Huh? Look." You said, pointing to your cup. "Someone has written down their number."

Both of your eyes turned to the counter where a barista guy waved charmingly at you. "...hey, do you think he's attractive?" You asked playfully after overcoming your confusion.

Maki turned her slightly annoyed gaze to you. "No, not really." She answered you curtly and couldn't help but think of more scenarios in her head. First, that girl from your class who wanted to set you up with some guy, now some guy who came up to you out of nowhere.

She didn't want to think about it - she never wanted to, which is why she always blocked it out. You rarely talked to her about your love life, mainly because no one really interested you, and that was enough for Maki not to worry about...this stuff. But if others were interested in you like today...who's to say you wouldn't want to try it out at some point?

"Really? He's kinda hot, though." You replied, slightly surprised, as you played with your straw. "What's your type, then?"

"I like them more cute." She replied bluntly.

You blinked and looked around as if you were casually asking. "Cute? Like cute guys?"

This time, she didn't hesitate. Not like all the other times, because even if Maki might have many regrets in her life, she didn't want to put seeing you with some boy on that list. "No, more like cute girls."

It might be that the whole world would reject her for it, and she would forever remain an outsider, but maybe that didn't even matter. As long as she felt like she belonged by your side, the world and whoever else could reject her as much as they wanted, because how happy could such a world really make her?

Maki couldn't control everything, even if she might have liked it that way sometimes, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. Yes, this isn't too bad. That's what she thought when she felt her heart warm up by just looking at you.

Maybe I can have a little control, though. Over this. Maki took your hand in hers as a slight blush spread across her cheeks the moment your eyes met. " - like you. I like cute girls like you."

[lendeah]

Valentine's Day Special!

Merryment Festival

Synopsis: To commemorate the Merryment Festival in your hometown, you decide to give Astarion a gift. Pairing: Astarion x GN! Bard Reader Words: 2.6k Tags: Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff , Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, just cute stuff 

a/n: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

"Back in my hometown, we had an annual festival called Merryment Festival," you said wistfully, tracing your finger over his bare chest.

He arched an eyebrow and smirked. "A festival for merriment? How delightfully cheesy."

You smiled, lost in the memories. "It was held at around this time of the year every spring and was a big event in our town."

"I never would have guessed that there's a single festival in your tiny little village."

You rolled your eyes, playfully punching his shoulder.

"What did you picture, Astarion? That we only had cows and pigs and chickens? That's so stereotypical..."

The vampire laughed, using his cold fingers to brush your hair away from your face. "Then enlighten me, my dear. What exactly is this festival you speak of? Please don't tell me it's just another reason for the common folk to get drunk."

You leaned into his touch, your eyes fluttering closed.

"Actually, there is plenty of drinking involved," you admitted with a chuckle. "But the Merryment festival was a time for everyone to come together and celebrate life and love."

"Celebrate love?" He let out a snort. "So it is an excuse for everyone to get together and make more commoners. How utterly wonderful."

A pout formed on your lips as you absorbed his words, a twinge of disappointment stirring within you at his lack of enthusiasm for your favorite festivity. But you were determined to show him just how special it was.

"It's not just about making more commoners, Astarion," you argued. "It's about celebrating love in all its forms. It's a time for couples to reaffirm their love for each other and for singles to hope for new beginnings."

"Oh? I wasn't aware that the commoners needed an excuse to fornicate." Astarion sneered. "They seem to be doing just enough of it without this Merryment festival of yours."

"Astarion! It's not like that!" you whine, "There was music and dancing. Everything was covered in wild flowers. And there would also be competitions for the best couple dance or the most romantic poem!"

"So you're telling me the entire village throws a party for the duration of an entire week to... Dance? And compete for romance?" Astarion looked at her, his mouth curved into a smirk. "That truly is a spectacular waste of time, the village must have nothing better to do."

You narrowed your eyes and crossed your arms. "It's not a waste of time, Astarion. It's a celebration of love and life."

Astarion's fingers absentmindedly traced patterns on your back as he challenged, "What about the people who are here alone? Do they just sit and watch as the couples make a spectacle of themselves?"

"Well, kind of... But sometimes they can participate in the competitions as well, or find someone to dance with." You explained, getting a bit flustered.

"Oh, so you danced with your villager loverboy then?" he prodded, a hint of teasing in his tone.

You swallowed nervously.

"I mean, I was there, but I mostly just watched from a distance."

Astarion's eyes widened and his hand paused its gentle caress on your back. He burst into a fit of laughter, his voice filling the room. You felt a wave of embarrassment wash over you as you realized you had just confessed your biggest secret to him - that you had never experienced the joyous festivities of the Merryment festival.

"That's preposterous! How can you love something so passionately when you have never experienced it yourself?" Astarion exclaimed between giggles.

You couldn't help but feel a twinge of shame and guilt wash over you. It was true, you had always been too shy to join in on the festivities. While everyone else was out there dancing and having fun, you would stay hidden in the shadows, watching from afar.

"Um... well, I guess I just never found the right person to participate with." You mumbled.

Astarion's mischievous smirk softened into a warm, genuine smile as he took in your shy admission. He leaned in closer, his lips almost touching yours.

"Oh darling, I think you already have found someone." His breath brushed against your lips, sending shivers down your spine. "How lucky I am to be your first," he purred.

You tremble beneath the thin bedroll, your exposed skin prickling with goosebumps and your cheeks flushing a deep shade of crimson. Astarion's words left you at a loss for how to respond.

"I never would have imagined..." you stuttered, still trying to process his confession. "I often dreamed of dancing with someone and exchanging gifts according to our tradition... if only I had met you back then." Letting out a sigh, you gazed into his eyes and reached up to gently stroke his cheek. "But it doesn't matter now. You're here with me, and that's all that truly matters."

He grasped your hand and brought it to his lips, leaving a tender kiss on the back of your palm. The gentle gesture sent a shiver through your body, and you couldn't contain the smile that spread across your face.

"And what present would you have preferred to receive from your hypothetical significant other?" he asked, softly.

You paused for a moment, thinking back to your childhood fantasies of Merryment festival. "Maybe a book? Or a new flute?" you pondered deeply before coming to a sudden realization. "No, no! I know exactly what I wanted." You gave him a small smile. "I wanted someone to write me a dedicated poem."

"Ah, a poem?" Astarion wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Of all the things you could want, and you want a poem?"

His reaction made you pout. "I think it's romantic," you say, hoping he'll see your perspective. "But I guess romance isn't really your forte. The closest thing to romance we've shared was when we read that erotic book together."

Astarion reclined in his seat, a cunning grin playing on his lips. "My dear, if you were seeking lovey-dovey poems and romantic gestures, your time would have been better spent with Wyll or Gale."

You snorted. "Yeah, how unfortunate I fell in love with a grumpy vampire."

"Excuse me? I am not grumpy! I simply... I don't like all the fluttering romance. I'm more of a practicer, more a... seducer."

"Practicer," you chuckled, "That's a nice way to put it." You leaned into him, feeling the cold of his body against yours.

He gently wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer. "And there's no better way than practically demonstrating my love for you, my dear."

You bit back a grin, your heart fluttering in your chest at his words. "So, you're saying... seduction is your way of being romantic?"

He gave you a quick peck on the lips. "Romance is a game for amateurs."

"You're incorrigible," you teased lightly, poking him in the side.

The two of you spent the rest of the evening talking and laughing, occasionally stealing kisses from each other. As the night wore on and your eyelids grew heavy, his strong arms enveloped you, cocooning you as you drifted to sleep. Your mind wandered to the Merryment Festival, just days away, and a wave of longing washed over you. How bittersweet it was to have finally found your soulmate after years of searching, only to be separated by a thousand miles from your hometown festivities.

But then, an idea ignited in your mind: why not give Astarion a gift? It didn't have to be anything extravagant, just something simple yet meaningful. Something to honor the spirit of the festival and show Astarion that you cared for him.

The next morning, you awoke with a renewed sense of determination. The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon, casting a warm glow through the small cracks in the tent. As Astarion peacefully meditated beside you, you carefully untangled yourself from the bedroll and tip-toed out into the brisk morning air. With a destination in mind, you set off towards the bustling Baldur's Gate town market, eager to find the perfect gift for Astarion. Amidst the rows of colorful stalls, you skimmed through an array of goods, admiring handcrafted trinkets and aromatic spices. The smells of fresh bread and exotic fruits mingled together, creating a tantalizing aroma that filled your senses. Each stall seemed to hold its own treasures, but you were determined to find something special for your companion.

Eventually, you stumbled upon a quaint stall adorned with exquisite, handcrafted jewelry. Your gaze was drawn to one unique piece in particular: a scarlet pendant that shimmered with a particular aura. As you approached, the stall owner, a strong half-orc woman, immediately noticed your interest.

"Ah, you have an eye for the unique, dear," she chimed in with a warm smile. "That is our special Bloodstone Pendant. Every piece is crafted from a drop of blood and imbued with powerful magic."

Your heart pounded in your chest as you picked up the piece, the stone cold against your fingers. A drop of blood...

"How is it made?" You found yourself asking.

The elderly woman's eyes twinkled as she explained. "A willing volunteer donates a bit of blood. That blood is then petrified through an ancient magical process only known to our kin. It's then shaped and set into the pendant akin to the one you now hold."

"And what makes it so unique?" you asked curiously.

"Every stone contains the emotions of its donor. When the holder touches it, they can experience those emotions as if they were their own. It's like carrying a piece of someone you love with you at all times."

Without any hesitation, you readily agreed to give a small sample of your blood. The half-orc woman smiled warmly at your eagerness and guided you to a small table in the rear of her stall. She arranged a vial and lancet on the table, ready to extract the needed blood. As she pierced your finger with the lancet, a sharp pain shot through your hand. But you ignored it as you watched the drops of blood fill the vial, mesmerized by its deep crimson color.

Once the vial was filled, the woman carefully sealed it and began working on shaping it into a pendant. You could feel a strange energy emanating from the stone as she worked, almost like it was pulsing with life.

Finally, the woman presented you with the finished product: a beautiful scarlet pendant with intricate designs etched into its surface.

"Thank you," you said with genuine gratitude, as you paid for the necklace. "This is perfect."

The woman smiled warmly at you. "It's my pleasure," she replied. "I hope it brings joy and love to whoever wears it."

The bustling market slowly faded into the background as you made your way back to camp, eager to give Astarion his gift. The pendant, nestled against your pocket, radiated warmth and seemed to hum with anticipation. As evening descended upon the camp, and you and Astarion settled in for the night, you reached out and took his hand in yours. He looked up at you with curious eyes.

"I have something for you," you said with a gentle smile, holding out a small velvet pouch to Astarion.

He raised an eyebrow inquisitively, taking the pouch from your hand. He opened it and his eyes widened in surprise as he saw the beautiful pendant inside. He held it in his hand, turning it over to examine it closely.

"What is this?" Astarion asked.

"It's a gift for you," you replied. "Happy Merryment Festival."

Astarion's lips curved into a genuine smile as he gazed at the necklace. "A blood pendant." he said.

You frowned slightly, "How did you know?"

"It reeks of your blood, darling." He brought it closer to his nose, inhaling deeply. "Though, what a lovely smell it is." His fingers gently traced the elegant patterns, his smile growing wider. "Thank you, I truly adore it," he said sincerely, his gaze meeting yours.

You watched him with a small smile, enjoying the peaceful moment before speaking.

"Now you will always have my blood with you, even if we are not close." you finally said.

"Is that so?" he murmured, reaching up to touch the pendant reverently. His eyes fluttered closed for a moment, and you could feel him experiencing your emotions as if they were his own. When his eyes finally opened again, they shone brightly in the dim light of their shared tent. "It's... remarkable."

"I'm glad you like it," you replied softly.

Astarion's gaze settled on you again, and before you could process what was happening, his lips were pressed against yours. The kiss started off soft and tender, but quickly grew heated as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you in closer. You couldn't help but shiver as his fangs gently grazed your skin.

After a few moments, he pulled back slightly to catch his breath. His thumb gently brushed across your cheek as he stared into your eyes. "You truly are one of a kind," he whispered.

The two of you stayed in that position for a few moments, relishing the comfort of each other's company. Reluctantly, he broke away and seemed to fidget with nervousness.

"I- um." He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I have something for you too."

Your eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Really? You don't need to give me anything just because-"

He rolled his eyes as he tried to hide his nervousness with a cocky grin. "Come on, darling, humility is such an unnatractive trait. I know I don't have to, but I wanted to," he stated confidently. However, his hands shook slightly as he reached into his bag and retrieved a petite book, extending it towards you with eagerness. He whispered a "Happy Merryment Festival, or whatever" under his breath, trying to sound composed but failing to hide his true emotions.

Turning the small book over in your hands, your fingers graced the embossed title on the cover. It was a collection of poems, each page filled with graceful handwriting. Your eyes widened as you realized that the handwriting was Astarion's.

"These are... your poems?" You asked, your voice echoing with surprise and awe.

Astarion nodded again, looking slightly embarrassed now, but feigning nonchalance. "I have been compiling poetry over the years, just for the chance I would have someone deserving to gift them to. And now that I have someone... you who has so graciously been keeping my life interesting, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity."

You looked up at Astarion, your heart swelling with emotion. "They're beautiful," you whispered, flipping through the pages and absorbing each word. The pages were filled with beautiful handwritten verses, each one more passionate and lyrical than the last.

"Most were only written while I was in a particularly romantic mood, though some I wrote specifically for you."

His words made you heart stop. He had dedicated you a poem. No, he had dedicated you multiple poems. Each word poured from his soul onto the page, declaring his love in the most beautiful way. As you read them, tears pooled in your eyes, moved beyond words.

"This is... I'm..." Your voice faltered as you struggled to find the right words. "I can't believe you wrote all of these," you finally managed to choked out between sobs, unable to contain the overwhelming joy and love in your heart. The pages felt like a treasure.

"Well, I have been around for quite some time," Astarion quipped with a smirk, trying to lighten the mood.

But his attempt at humor only made you cry harder. With a sigh, he wrapped his arms around you and soothed your back with gentle caresses. After some time, your tears began to subside and you pulled back slightly to meet his gaze. "Thank you, Astarion. This is the best gift I have ever received," you said sincerely, feeling your heart swell with love for him. And this time, you knew he could feel it too, through the pendant.

He gave you a soft smile and kissed your forehead. "Anything for my dear Merryment companion."

[chriskotiesen]

Oh hey, your art owns majorly, and I covet your skills muchly. I wanted to ask, how do you go about drawing portraits from imagination? Do you have any tips or resources you could recommend? Regardless if you respond or not, hope you keep drawing forever.

Thanks so much!

I guess I approach drawing people roughly the same way that I draw anything else: Absorb as much knowledge as possible, by whatever means possible, and experiment a lot.

I don't have any specific resources to recommend, but there are lots of good ones out there and they're all good for different things. "Anatomy for artists" resources are a great reference for the general forms, medical resources can explain the fine details, and studying other artists that you like can teach you a lot about interpretation and stylization (although be wary of learning detailed anatomy based on other artwork because nobody is perfect and you may not even be able to easily tell what they might have exaggerated on purpose). Even if you have a simplified style where you don't usually draw the subtle little details, any insight is valuable. The more anatomy you know, the more options you have to work with.

That said, nothing beats studying from life. And while you absolutely should draw live subjects when possible, it's good to remember that you don't need to be holding a pencil to absorb information. I think I just pay more attention to other people's faces than the average person whenever I'm looking at or talking to someone. Try to figure out what makes someone look distinctive, or attractive, or intimidating. How accurately do you think you can guess their age, or heritage? Based on which features? Is there any feature they possess that's different from anything you've drawn before?

Whenever you think you've learned something new, experiment with that knowledge! To me it feels like a waste of time to draw the same picture twice, so I'm constantly trying to come up with combinations of features, angles, styles, shapes and colours that I haven't used before. I think that artists who are less confident at drawing people tend more toward stereotypes (giving a 'manly' character all of the 'manliest' features, for example) and that can sort of work for some cartoonier styles, but I prefer a more realistic messiness. Real people don't fit into neat boxes and have all kinds of fun combinations of features. Sometimes I'll just start sketching a face without a plan in mind and won't really be able to tell the character's gender or race until I'm almost done. Other times I'll foresee it going in one direction and try to turn it around before the end.

If you always try to do something different then I think you eventually run out of boring choices and become forced to make more interesting ones, or at least choices which are new to you, which can in turn help you to develop new ways of thinking about a subject. And I do a lot of sketches, so I burn through a lot of ideas. Plenty of them are pretty mediocre and that's okay. 'Bad' art is just a byproduct of making 'good' art. If a picture turns out poorly then I just try to figure out what went wrong, save it anyway, file it away where nobody else will ever see it, and start a new one. The hundreds of drawings that I've uploaded to the internet are nothing compared to the mountain of stuff that I don't bother sharing.

Hopefully that helps a little bit!

[x0x0josephinex0x0]

waste your time on me | vernon

yeah hiatus is going great why do u ask? lol anyway i wrote this short lil cute vernon thing. meant to be a new relationship and he is VERY whipped and trying very hard. don't think there's any warnings! love our bononie.

“These are for you,” Vernon says quietly, handing you a bouquet of white flowers with bright yellow centers.

You take them, touched. “Where did you get these?” you ask with a note of reverence in your voice as you look them over.

“Well, I have this friend who works at a flower stand in town,” he begins, then pauses when you chuckle. “Is that funny?”

“It’s just very you,” you reassure him, hoping your smile is as warm as it feels. “Go on.”

Evidently it was, because the corner of Vernon’s mouth quirks upward. “Uh, anyway. I asked him his expert opinion on what to bring you today, and he asked me a few questions about you, and this was what he gave me.” He hesitates a little. “Uh, do you like them?”

You gently bury your face in the blooms, looking up at him as you do. “These are some of my favorites,” you say. “Do you know what they are?”

“Flowers?” he says.

You laugh again. “Yes, Vernon. They are. Do you know what kind?” 

“Daisies, aren’t they?” he asks.

“Good guess, but no,” you correct, moving into your wide kitchen and pulling a vase from under the sink. “These are anemones.”

“Wait!” he cries as you pull your shears from a drawer and move toward the flowers. “I’m supposed to do that.”

“Do what?” you ask, startled. 

“Get all the stuff off and put them in a jar,” Vernon says. “That’s my job.” He reaches out for the scissors. “I saw a TikTok about it.”

You hand the scissors over to him. “You’re really taking this boyfriend thing seriously, aren’t you?” you say, unable to hide the broad grin crowding your face.

“I really am,” he says, giving a smile of his own as he focuses on the flowers. “The guy at the flower stand told me to cut them diagonally. They’ll last longer that way.”

You take a seat at the counter and watch him snip the bottoms of the stems away, then fill the vase with water. He dumps a packet of flower food into the water and then arranges each flower in a clumsy circle that turns out adorably lopsided, looking at you proudly as he finishes. “What do you think?”

You look right at him as you reply. “Perfect.”

And he is. The way the light hits those brown eyes and turns them almost gold, the soft brown hair that just slightly waves over his forehead, the curve of his lips -- lips you’d dreamed about for ages and only just kissed for the first time a week ago -- coupled with how much you laughed around him, how he wasn’t afraid to show you new perspectives, and how comfortable and safe it was to be around him, all added up to a truly unforgettable and unprecedented person. You know it’s too early to say that you love Vernon, but you wonder when you’ll blurt it. You feel it so deeply it seems impossible you won’t let it slip sometime.

“Thanks,” Vernon says, admiring his handiwork, not catching the double meaning in your words. 

So you stand, coming around the counter to reach out a hand to him. He takes it, pulling you into his side. His arm wraps around your waist, and he absentmindedly traces the curve there as you look up at him. “Thank you,” you say. “Is there a particular reason you brought flowers today? I mean, is there an occasion?”

“You’re the occasion,” he says, then winces. “That was so cringe. Forget I said it.”

“Not a chance,” you say gravely. “I guess that’ll go in the blackmail folder. But seriously, was there a reason?”

He sighs. “Well, not really. I just...” He pauses, suddenly avoiding your gaze.

“Yeah?” you prod, running a soothing hand up and down the back of his sweatshirt, trying to remind him he can talk to you about this stuff.

“Dang,” he says with a tiny laugh. “I didn’t think I’d ever be this nervous to talk to a girl again.”

“It’s normal,” you comfort him, although there are crazy butterflies doing divebombs in your stomach at his words. 

“I know. Especially when -- when you like someone as much as I like you.” He turns to face you then, still holding you around the waist -- and in an unexpectedly bold move, he picks you up and plops you down next to his arrangement on the counter. 

Determinedly, Vernon fixes you with an uncharacteristically intense look. “I’m doing all of this because I really want this to work out. Like, I’ve never been the guy who puts all his eggs in one basket, but I don’t want a single escape plan with you. If something happens to us, or between us, or whatever, instead of running away, I want to stick it out and work through it. And I’ve actually never felt like that with anyone else, so I guess it’s a little scary.” He shrugs like this isn’t the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard.

You put a hand on his cheek, and he leans into it, comforted by the touch. “You’re scared I might break your heart?” you ask him.

He gives a tiny nod.

You use your thumb to rub over his cheekbone thoughtfully before responding. “Well, I think that’s good,” you finally say.

“Hm,” he hums. “Why?”

“Because I feel that way too. So if we both ... I don’t know, if we both risk it together, I think we have a real shot.” You swallow a laugh at how dire you’re making it sound, and Vernon beams at you. As if unable to resist, he pulls you closer to the edge of the counter and wraps his arms around your waist. 

“Me too,” he says, and kisses you briefly on the lips before pulling you into a deep hug. 

[tkachuktkaching]

Matthew Tkachuk returns to Edmonton as Public Enemy No. 1

Tkachuk spent the first six seasons of this NHL career with the Calgary Flames, combating in the Battle of Alberta, the decades-spanning rivalry in which the Flames and the Edmonton Oilers would bludgeon each other to the delight of neighboring fan bases. It's a feud that stands next to any geographic rivalry in sports based on its championship prestige, Hall of Fame talent and unwavering vitriol.

Tkachuk remembers those rivalry games well.

"I guess I know them more than probably most guys by playing in Calgary," Tkachuk said. "But we just had the one playoff series against them that they won, and played a bunch in the regular season. There's a lot of different guys over there now."

Calgary traded Tkachuk to the Panthers two years ago. He has returned to Edmonton twice since.

"I know last year I was booed every time I touched the puck. This year there was nothing, so I have no idea this time," he said.

How close did Tkachuk come to becoming an Oiler? Four years ago, he told TSN Radio that they appeared ready to draft him before Dubois went to Columbus.

"During the draft, on the draft floor, it was kind of a weird moment where some people at the Edmonton table -- you could ask them, they would probably deny it -- but they're kind of staring me down and kind of giving me some smiles. The only people that saw it were me and my mom. So we're like, 'All right, we're going to Edmonton,'" he said. "Then Pierre-Luc Dubois went third overall, and the phone started to ring like crazy at the Edmonton table. They threw the jersey under the table and it looked like they stripped off a name and gave it to Puljujarvi with the next pick."

Tkachuk was drafted sixth overall by the Flames. The rest is (alternate) history.

TKACHUK SAID HE HAD "kind of like a Christmas Eve feeling" before the Stanley Cup Final, giddy with anticipation for trying to win the Cup after the Panthers lost in the championship round last season to the Vegas Golden Knights.

When asked about the Oilers, there was no trash talk, no bulletin board material.

"They're a great team. Finally got to watch some of their games against Dallas, since we were playing every other night. It was good to watch their games," he said. "They played really well and ultimately deserved to win the West. It should make for a great final."

After Florida went up 2-0 in the series with its Game 2 victory, Tkachuk was asked if the Oilers were rattled.

Again, he deferred.

"No, I don't think so. It's just sometimes the way it goes," he said, before leaving the media scrum.

The story of Matthew Tkachuk vs. the Edmonton Oilers is also a story of a young, brash superstar at the apex of his brashness who says he's a much different player today. Tkachuk speaks with pride about what he perceives to be the Panthers' maturity as a team and his own discipline on the ice, in contrast with how he'd played in the Battle of Alberta, for example.

"I'd say that used to be a part of my game. Now it's pretty nonexistent," he said. "I've kind of learned what works, and what works is playing as hard as I can for 30 to 45 seconds -- well, sometimes I take the long shift, so 30 seconds to a minute. There's no need to waste your time doing extra stuff."

Panthers coach Paul Maurice has cited the 26-year-old Tkachuk's maturity throughout the season, starting with how he approached this campaign after Florida's stunning run to the Stanley Cup Final last season.

Maurice said Tkachuk was part of the leadership group that got the Panthers locked in to their defensive game this season, which was a byproduct of missing Aaron Ekblad and Brandon Montour at the start of 2023-24 after surgeries. He said Tkachuk's attitude from the start of training camp help set the efficient, business-like tone of Florida's approach.

"Last year, I think we were just kind of riding the wave," Tkachuk said before the conference finals. "Going into this, we know what it's going to take to ultimately come out on top."

Tkachuk is tied with Aleksander Barkov with 19 points to lead all Panthers scorers. He hasn't had the soaring moments as regularly as he did last playoff run.

But Maurice is confident that Tkachuk is still capable of them.

"His game is better. He's more disciplined. He's matured with this group over two years. I think he's ... primed," the coach said. "I would never bet against him coming up with some heroics, but it's certainly not the only thing we have to expect now when we come to the rink from him."

Article taken from espn.com I Photos : Getty Images

[notmorbid]

bear.

dialogue prompts from bear by julia phillips.

i've lived long enough to know who can be counted on and who can't.

we're going to have to save each other.

we'll have to move, if we want a life worth living.

i've spent a long time waiting for my life to change.

you'll never guess what we saw today.

you get worked up over the weirdest stuff.

our brave girl.

a little stargazing sounds like fun.

i do feel lucky, sometimes.

you're exactly the same as you've always been.

stay away from my family's pain.

is this real?

i thought you might have gone out there.

it's easier to be brave together.

i don't know why i bothered telling anybody.

you could. you just don't want to.

i didn't think it was real when i first saw it.

you don't sound scared at all.

you're not worried?

you have a way of making even mistakes look gorgeous.

i would have followed you anywhere.

you were who i wanted to grow up to be.

i wanted a grownup to step in, so i could step back and be a child again.

i don't want to be in pain.

does it help you to hear that i'm used to it?

so how was it, really?

sorry, but i have to tell you something.

we'll get through this. we always do.

there are always chances for hope.

are we in trouble?

you look like someone who has everything.

i can't figure you out.

are you the oldest child, or are you just arrogant?

shock can do strange things to our perception.

what is calling ____ going to do for us?

you were being kind of rude.

i don't appreciate your keeping secrets from me.

when was the last time you felt really alive?

there's nothing to say. it's just the way it is.

i didn't know it got to you like that.

i want things to be better than this.

____ is my one good thing.

___ would have told me.

you played your part well. i have to give you that.

you're brave. i would have freaked out.

you're the most levelheaded person i've ever met.

you hit me. you can't do that.

i want to understand. i've been trying to understand.

i need you to listen to me. right now you aren't listening at all.

i know you think i don't understand, but i do.

all i want is for you to be happy.

i know you love me. do you trust me?

we have each other. we'll make it through this.

i miss having you here. i got used to it.

do you know how proud i am of you?

you don't argue with the timing of gifts. you open your arms and welcome them.

you know how to listen, even to what isn't said.

do you think you'll raise your kids here?

we've wasted enough time together.

we can't make people do what they don't want to do.

you need to wake up.

we've been underwater for years.

we're not going anywhere.

how are you doing? i've been thinking of you.

i know how destabilizing loss can be.

you're overwhelmed. that makes people act without thinking.

it's time to focus on your family.

you're so close to seeing the truth.

for a single minute, can you leave me alone?

i'm pretty shitty, if you're asking.

____ was so young. it isn't fair.

you're acting like someone i don't recognize.

real love is the ability to hear what isn't said.

i can't imagine ever being with anyone else.

you did worse than ask. you expected.

we're not children anymore, making up stories about our grownup selves.

you're never going to find anyone who is more dedicated to you than i am.

there's something here that's nowhere else.

i was bored, so i thought i'd come visit.

when was the last time you slept?

we have a good time together, don't we?

there's more to the world than this.

you'd benefit with some distance from home.

didn't i warn you?

i'm trying to help you.

stop hanging around messing with my life. go make your own.

no outsider could ever help us.

have you ever held a gun before?

i don't want to hurt anyone.

nothing matches an older sibling's constancy.

i imagine everything as better than it actually was.

you're not alone. you've never been alone.

[lunarriviera]

new year's letter from halan, january 1998

dear everyone, hello, it is i, captain zheng bei of the halan public safety bureau anti-narcotics task force. things are going well however there have been a few challenges this winter so i thought i would take this opportunity to update you on our progress here in halan.

first of all there's xiaoguang and nan nan. everyone is really happy that xiaoguang sat up again and started talking and getting better, me most of all. i might have cried a little and i definitely hit him. the weird thing is he speaks exclusively cantonese now and we're not sure why but hopefully nan nan's cantonese will get better so they can communicate. gu yiran says it doesn't really matter because they could never actually communicate in the first place and i don't want to say gu yiran is right but just in this one specific instance he might have a point. anyway nan nan seems happy and they sing a lot. and make other noises as well but we aren't going to talk about those.

zhang xueyao is also doing well, she has some kind of boyfriend but she won't let us meet him and i find that somewhat distressing. i'm worried if he is ugly or maybe has two heads. or what if he's really tiny. maybe he's only like 150 cm tall and she just beats him up all the time, something that would not be good for a police officer to do. on the other hand she seems a lot calmer and doesn't chase guozhu around the office anymore trying to kick him, so i guess it's been good for her. again gu yiran claims that the boyfriend is probably completely normal and just afraid of us but i don't know why that would be true. we're only cops, there's nothing scary about any of us?

ding guozhu has not changed in any way whatsoever, he has knitted eight sweaters this winter and at this rate the only one of us who doesn't have a sweater is me. that's because i don't wear sweaters because i never get cold. i only wear t-shirts even when it's -30ºC which it is right now. gu yiran on the other hand is wearing three sweaters at this very moment in his lab but i can still hear him bitching. i told him when he wears three sweaters at once he looks fat and he told me my head is fat. i told him his head is stupid and he looks stupid and then he told me i am an unmitigated idiot and then we wound up in a supply closet in the hallway and then some other stuff happened. when we came out of the supply closet somehow i was wearing one of guozhu's sweaters. surprisingly it is very soft and kind of nice, and guozhu made it red, my favorite color, and tried to give it to me so maybe i will keep it after all.

then there's uncle. he went on vacation with his granddaughter to hangzhou and they never came back. i think he likes it there, he keeps sending us photos of them by the lake eating sugar pastry in shirt sleeves and smiling. we have all started using email now and uncle likes it the most because he says he doesn't have to waste money on postage anymore. gu yiran tried to explain to him that electricity and telephone usage also cost money but uncle says he's already paid for those so it doesn't count. anyway he keeps sending very large photos that clog up the office inbox for several hours while they download. sometimes there's a lady in the photos, i keep asking him who that is but he never answers. gu yiran says when he feels like telling us about her, he will. here's an old picture of him with gu yiran because it's how i like to think of him, still here with us.

ma and ba are fine and nan nan finally talked them into closing the restaurant one day a week to take some rest. they are saying they might go visit uncle in the spring, or go to shanghai. they are a little bit upset that gu yiran and i moved out, but they also like having nan nan out of their apartment so that worked out okay after all.

i guess that's the big news, that gu yiran and i moved to a new place. it was sad to leave the building but after the incident with the wall we figured it was probably time. i explained to ma and ba how the hole was only an accident but it was still a very big hole so they were right to be upset, we all worked very hard one weekend to tear the wall down and replace it with a better one. the hole wouldn't even have happened if gu yiran and i hadn't had a fight, but we did, and then we weren't speaking so he went home to do his experiment in the apartment instead of in the lab, and there was sort of an explosion. but it was really my fault, because if i hadn't called him an arrogant cocksucker we wouldn't have fought. on the other hand if he hadn't gone after six drug dealers in the chicken van by himself with nothing but a baseball bat and some sock bombs then i probably wouldn't have called him that. so i guess maybe we were both to blame.

the good news is our new apartment is very solid and sturdy, we found this out on the first night when we walked in the front door and gu yiran threw me bodily up against the wall and proceeded to [redacted] me. he says that as a true scientist he has to keep conducting ongoing tests to ensure the structural integrity of our domicile and i'm not entirely sure what that means but as long as he keeps slamming me up against things honestly does it really matter.

here he is studying and looking very handsome and also cute. when he catches me taking photos of him studying, he hits me and tries to get the camera away from me, i don't mind because when he starts hitting me it's sort of funny and also easy to tickle him. it turns out gu yiran is very ticklish, and when he starts laughing and his glasses fall off and his hair gets messed up he looks even cuter and then we usually forget about studying or taking pictures or hitting or tickling.

well that's about all the news from halan. there are always new drugs and new dealers trying to make money off them so we stay pretty busy. director gao says i can't say anymore about that because it's official police business but i will tell you that even though we have a new office and a bunch of new recruits from the academy, i still miss the old cafeteria, and uncle bringing noodles and bao for the team.

PS gu yiran says he wants to get a cat. at first i wasn't sure it was a good idea considering his track record with houseplants, but then i thought about it and decided i don't mind being the one who mostly takes care of the cat. after all i do a pretty good job with xiao ran.

[oftenlyshitposting]

a wolf, a warrior, and a hotspring | wolfwren fic

"meet me here again tomorrow. at noon."

sabine finds that slumber has been kinder to her. she awoke to the hazy peridean early sun, to the smell of cookings just outside of the fulcrum. the noti people must have been up for sometime now. with the scent of food entering the ship, that means ahsoka is, too.

oh, right. she hasn't told ahsoka.

sabine rises from her bunk with a soft grunt, already fabricating a plan to sneak out of camp. she glances at the clock she and huyang constructed; the time is indicating closer towards midday. sabine leans out of her bunk to search for ahsoka and huyang, not finding either at the common table or the practice floor. the door to the cockpit was also open, showing vacant seats. they're outside then, sabine concluded.

without wasting anymore time, sabine tiptoes to the refresher for a quick wash and to get dressed. her fingers were crossed that ahsoka stays occupied until she could sneak out, but luck betrayed her. by the time sabine got out of the refresher, ahsoka was at the common table, plating some bowls that looked like breakfast and a jug of what sabine assumes as the tea she usually drinks.

"morning," ahsoka calls, her tone sounding suspiciously humoured, "had a good sleep?"

sabine scratches her hair, avoiding eyes with ahsoka. "uh, yeah. slept alright."

"that's good."

sabine nods, quickly making her way to her bunk to pack up her blasters and to put on her beskar. her periphery catches ahsoka's eyes on her, but she tries her best to ignore her master. plan A of quietly sneaking out failed, so sabine decides to just play it coolly and find the right time to sneak out again. she casually walks to grab a cup from the storage, pouring herself the tea.

"what's all this?" sabine nods at the bowls and plates at the table, sipping her tea to calm her nerves.

ahsoka pushes a bowl at sabine's direction, "late breakfast. the noti found native fruits and berries, you should try some," and made a gesture sabine interprets as an instruction for her to sit and eat.

sabine shrugs. "alright." she began scooping the bowl; it consists of some kind of mushy grain-like porridge with various haphazardly chopped fruits. the texture initially puts her off, but the taste wasn't so bad. it reminded her of some kind of pudding. "hey, where's huyang?"

"he's outside. last i saw, he was helping a noti folk fix up their little pod," ahsoka replies easily, munching on a crunchier chopped fruit. sabine hums in response, mouth a little full. ahsoka then looks at sabine inquisitively as she asks, "where'd you run off yesterday? you were gone for a really long time."

"uh, i went out to hunt?" sabine cringes internally, not intending her answer to sound unconvincing, which she follows up with, "no luck, though. no game, or stuff. but, i did find a hotspring."

"did you?"

"yep."

ahsoka's brow quirked, and sabine can't really tell what her master is thinking. "you found someone, though. didn't you?"

well, shoot. sabine doesn't really know how to deny that question, so she decides to dance around the whole truth, "yeah. baylan's blonde padawan. i ran into her at the spring. surprisingly, she didn't try to kill me."

"i can see that," ahsoka chuckled. "did something happen?" when sabine tilts her head questioningly, ahsoka adds, "i felt something shifted, in the force."

double shoot. guess plan B of sneaking out and postponing the conversation failed too. sabine sighs. "i guess so...? i... i don't know. i can feel her, and she can feel me. through the force."

"that's not uncommon. you've finally tapped into the force, making your presence known within it and to anyone who can access the force." ahsoka gestures between them, explaining further, "like how i can sense you, and you can sense me."

ahsoka's explanation makes sense. though, sabine can't help but think that there's more to the connection between her and shin. she knows that ahsoka and her have a bond, as master to padawan. it doesn't quite make sense to her as to why she would share a connection with shin; the kind of bond that they have.

thinking about their bond might have subconsciously triggers it in sabine's mind, as she finds herself reaching for shin within the force. she sees shin, on the other end of their connection, hunting with a group of the red-armoured bandits. sabine can feel shin sensing her presence in their connection.

shin pauses atop her howler, turning her head to the side where sabine is sitting inside the fulcrum. sabine's breath choked in her throat when she hears shin's voice... inside her mind?

'you missed me already?'

sabine wants to scream out loud; shin sounded unbearably cocky, like she was teasing her. and the fact that shin's voice filled her whole mind like an echo in a chamber doesn't help her clear her mind. even in an odd psychic link, shin can be infuriating.

'you wish,' sabine replied in her mind, trying to put up a convincing annoyed act. 'this happened out of my control, okay?'

shin lets out a noise that sounded like a chuckle. 'you are a lousy liar, if you did not know already.' when sabine was about to protest her, shin interrupts, 'as much as i enjoy to watch you try to lie your way out, i am in the middle of hunting. you, are a distraction.'

sabine rolled her eyes, disconnecting herself from the freaky little mind connection thing. she almost choked on her tea when she finds ahsoka looking at her with such a knowing look. sabine finds it oddly infuriating and similar to shin. she hid her face behind her cup, shooting an unamused glare back.

"what?"

ahsoka smiles, and sabine has a bad feeling about it. "you were with her just know, weren't you?"

sabine chokes, "i- what are you–?" she sputters with flushing cheeks. she then manages, "how did you...?"

"well, you went quiet for a while," ahsoka points out the obvious with a smile, sipping her tea, "and i felt the presence of someone else briefly. someone you ran into rather frequently, on top of that."

"that's great," sabine grumbles. "so, the cost of using the force is no privacy for my mind, got it." perhaps she should learn the whole force mind-shield trick, if it's possible to learn it this early.

ahsoka laughs. "relax. i wasn't in your mind, ever." she then makes a move to stand, placing a hand on sabine's shoulder as she says, "i only felt something in the force, and i put two and two together."

sabine pouts, but didn't say anything to that. she opts to finish her bowl of food quickly, knowing ahsoka is going to prepare her for more training. when she finished eating, she quickly cleans the table and brought the dishes to get it cleaned.

ahsoka was preparing the practice floor by the time sabine finishes cleaning up, presumably for meditation training. not exactly sabine's most favourite part of training, but she really doesn't have much to say as a padawan. perhaps ahsoka might teach her how to not let other people look into her brain, that would be neat.

it was a few hours later when ahsoka concurred sabine's training for the day. her master had thrown in a little zatochi session post meditation, testing if her senses are more honed in than the first time sabine did it. to ahsoka's pleasure, sabine did improve when it comes to sensing ahsoka's intents. didn't entirely surprise ahsoka that sabine still falls victim to getting frustrated easily, resulting in ahsoka tripping her again.

"going to meet her again?" ahsoka called out as sabine was packing up a bag, smiling teasingly as she leans against the backrest of the common table.

sabine rolled her eyes. "oh, ha-ha."

"sabine, relax, it doesn't bother me what you do in your spare time." her togrutan master laughs, amused at sabine's defensiveness. ahsoka reaches over to a storage compartment, taking out the large fur coat that she doesn't wear, handing it to sabine. "take this. give it to her."

"what? why?" sabine frowns, looking down at the coat. she recalls that shin has her own cape thing that she wore to the hotspring yesterday.

ahsoka steps closer, her expression a little serious. "it's better used with her than it stays here, gathering dust. and sabine?" when sabine raised her brows expectantly, ahsoka continues, "ask her if she'd like to stay with us."

sabine eyes widened, unexpecting ahsoka's request. "wh– what do you mean 'stay with us'? why?"

"her master's abandoned her. she's alone."

"not as alone as you might think," sabine scoffs, petulant. "she's running with the bandits."

ahsoka shoots her a look, unimpressed. "you know that is not what i meant." she sighs patiently. "you can feel her, more than i do. you know what she feels, her emotions and her thoughts."

"yeah, i guess so..."

"and you of all people, knows best what it's like when your master walks away from you."

and there it is, the final strike home. sabine groans, "y'know, i hate it when you're right about things."

ahsoka laughs, deep and low in her torso. she pats sabine's shoulder and gave it an assuring squeeze. "i'm not always, and you know this. just try, sabine. she just needs someone at the moment."

"you think that someone is me?" sabine raises her brow, uncertain and expectant. ahsoka doesn't answer immediately, and sabine nods somewhat understandingly.

"you saw how she reacted when i offered my help the first time," ahsoka recounts to their last battle, where shin had looked so defeated and fled her and sabine. "i didn't believe she was ready then. but, like most things in life, we sometimes just needs to give it a little bit of time. i think she is more ready now, and with the right person," she nods at sabine, who pursed her lips in a tight-lipped smile, "she may accept our help."

sabine sighed, long and drawn. "alright, fine." the mandalorian grabs the fur coat, stuffing it in her bag. she huffs as she saddles the bag, walking towards the landing ramp. "i'll try to talk to her, but i can't promise anything. and if she kills me, you're responsible for murley!"

ahsoka merely laughs amusedly. "go!"

sabine waves at her master, before disappearing towards her howler and hops onto it's saddled back. her companion animal instantly takes off on it's strong legs, racing towards where it took her yesterday. sabine was tempted to search for shin again in their bond, but restrains herself and hopes that the blonde padawan will be there anyway.

her howler's speed began to decrease as the path to the hotspring becomes familiar to sabine's eyes. she scouts the surrounding, naturally out of instinct, for any bandits or nuisance that she'd have to fight off. the mandalorian sighs in relief when she saw nothing, and more importantly, sensed nothing dangerous in the force.

sabine hops off from her howler, keeping a gentle guiding hand on it's neck as they walk closer towards the spring. she finds a patch of thicker grass and softly commands 'tota' at her howler, unloading her bag and the sack of food for her howler. she scratches it's snout with a smile as it munches on the food sabine brought, whinying joyfully.

"you actually made it here again."

shin's voice filled sabine's surrounding and mind, and sabine wasn't even remotely surprised. she had sensed her arrival a few moments ago. and before she can say anything smart, shin had stolen the moment from her. sabine huffs amusedly.

"aw, were you expecting me to bail?" sabine teases with a smirk, turning from her howler to find shin. the blonde padawan is atop her white howler, head held high as always, and a ghost of a smirk on her lips. something felt a little off, though.

shin barely huffs out a laugh, sounding more like a restricted exhale. sabine watches closely; shin's arm is circled around her waist. like she's holding something in. sabine frowns, strutting closer towards shin, her skin breaking in sweat and her lips looking a little paler.

sabine then feels it; a pounding pain across her abdomen, the same area shin is clutching onto.

shin's tunic is leaking in red, sabine only now realises.

"shin!" sabine frantically approaches shin, wincing as she feels shin's pain on her body. the blonde padawan tries to get down from her howler, but could barely hold herself together. sabine commands the white howler 'tota' so she can help shin come down easier. "y-you're bleeding. what happened?"

shin grunts, pushing herself off of her howler. "i... we ran into a different group of bandits." her face contorts in pain as sabine lays her down on the ground, arm still clutching her bleeding abdomen. "they were not friendly." shin attempted at a joke, sabine assumes, but it came out as a whisper.

"i need you to remove your clothes." sabine hadn't realised what she blurted out, only registering what she said half a moment later, when shin looked at her with an incredulous and amused look. she tries composing herself as she says, "i brought a medkit, i'll wrap you up."

shin doesn't say anything, only nodding. sabine takes the sign to scramble back to her howler, grabbing her bag and searches for the medkit. she hopes it's sufficient enough to dress shin's wound, because if it's more serious, she'd need to take her to the fulcrum's medbay. that's about two dozens klicks from here, and sabine isn't sure shin can hold off that long of a journey back.

sabine returns to shin, laid on her back with the top part of tunic undressed. with it, reveals shin's wounded stomach. the injury is caked with a layer of crusted blood, mostly browned from oxidation, but still slightly leaking. sabine winces as she gauges the depth of shin's injury, but it's hard to conclude with the amount of blood covering the wound.

"i'm gonna start cleaning it up, okay?" sabine warns shin as she prepared a disinfecting kit, in which shin merely nodded weakly in response to. "it's gonna be a bit painful, so tell me if it's too much."

"do it," shin grunts, preparing herself. when the disinfectant grazes her injured skin, shin barked out a long and painful groan. sabine winces when shin grabs her arm, seemingly out of painful instinct. shin's body writhes as sabine continues wiping the bloodied wound, head thrown back whilst her eyes shut tightly in an agonizing manner. her eyes bolted open in a frenzy as she growled out, "fuck!"

sabine whispers calming phrases that she can remember in mando'a, working quickly and precisely on shin's injury. once cleaned, sabine can finally measure the depth of the gash on shin's stomach, and deduces it isn't as deep as she thought. it definitely requires stitching, and with limited kit, sabine had to resort to the quick-stitcher.

shin had gone quieter, huffing barely audible grunts. watching shin this awfully pale and unusually languid terrified sabine; she's always used to viewing shin as this indestructible force, that she's forgotten shin too, can bleed. her chest rises and falls in an arrhythmic pattern, lips pale and eyes sunken in.

"hey. shin?" sabine gently touches her shoulder, and shin sluggishly moves her head to face her. she smiles, tight-lipped and half apologetic. "i'm gonna stitch you up quickly, yeah?"

"alright." shin nods weakly, dropping her head back to the side again, facing away from sabine.

sabine sanitizes the quick-stitcher, a stapler-like device, and applies a topical numbing gel around the gash. shin hisses at the contact, but exhales softly afterwards. sabine works her way quickly, stitching shin's wound closed. the numbing gel works, sabine can tell from the way shin merely jumps at the first few stitches but didn't groan in pain.

when the last stitch was applied, sabine applies healing ointments before she props shin up to a raised position as she quickly wraps shin's wound with a sterile gauze neatly. sabine reaches to a boulder nearby through the force, placing it behind shin so the blonde padawan can lean her back against it to support her body.

"okay," sabine said in a relieved half-whisper, haphazardly storing her equipments back to the medkit box, "there. you're all good."

shin was quiet for a bit, huffing a long drawn-out breath. her eyes slowly opens, and sabine can guess she's slightly disoriented and hazy. shin's hand raised to hold her neatly bandaged torso, still partially naked as her tunic hangs open on her shoulder.

"this was not how i expected the day to go." shin winces as she tries sitting more upright, making a move to redo her tunic. the tone of her voice is indecipherable, but if sabine dared to guess, she sounds somewhat embarrassed of herself.

sabine's lips quirk to a half smile, sitting properly. "yeah, well. i don't think anyone ever really plans to get ambushed by a group of rogue bandits, huh?"

shin rolls her eyes weakly. "you are really not as funny as you think, did you know that?"

"you have a really funny way of saying thanks, did y'know that?" sabine returns with a cock of her brow. that earned her a faint disgusted look from shin, making her snort. she nudges shin, teasing but careful not to hurt the wound. "i did, just save you from bleeding out."

"you are infuriatingly confusing," shin sighs, leaning her head back against the rock behind her, but smiling at sabine nonetheless, "but i appreciate your help. you worked quick enough that it was not torturous for me."

this time, sabine rolled her eyes at shin's dry joke. "ha-ha. maybe i should have, if you wanted me to hurt you that much."

shin doesn't say anything, her faint smile shifts a little more somberly as her lidded eyes stays fixated on sabine's. the mandalorian sinks into shin's darkened greenish-blue eyes, couldn't tear her eyes away even if she wants to. not like she wants to, anyway. shin's pupils are slightly blown, but her gaze is strong. it reminded sabine when she stared at her at the shuttle ship, descending from morgan's golden hyperspace donut.

"what is in your head?" shin mutters with her usual tilt of her head, voice slightly scratched and accent heavy on her tongue. her evergrowing pale fringes are sticking to her forehead, edges poking her lids. sabine couldn't stop herself from brushing them away gently with the pads of her fingers.

sabine smiles. "aren't you usually in it? 'soka told me everyone can hop into my brain now, because i can access the force."

shin had this ghost of an unimpressed look on her face that sabine finds mildly hilarious. "just because we are intertwined in the force, doesn't mean i know what you are always thinking. your mind is always... a forest. a colourful and loud forest."

sabine typically doesn't blush this easily, but the things shin says or do makes it really hard for her to contain her flustered reactions. she had to actively fight her blush down so she wouldn't turn half as red as her hair when she was twenty six.

"uh, thanks?" sabine manages lamely, losing any remaining ounces of eloquency. when shin had this barely readable expression on her face, something that sabine tries to decipher as amusement, she tries to shift topic, "anyways. i was about to hop in for a relaxing dip before i had to stop you from spilling your whole guts out, literally."

shin rolled her eyes at sabine's joke, earning a satisfied smirk from the mandalorian. she then tries to get up, which immediately sprung sabine to help. "a soak in the hotspring does sound nice."

sabine tries to sit shin back down. "whoa, hey. what do you think you're doing?"

"going for a dip."

"uh, not with a big ass gash on your stomach, you won't?"

"you dressed it already." shin stubbornly retorted.

sabine groans, exasperated. "yeah, and it'll undress if you go for a soak, di'kut."

shin's brows dipped, contorting in a mild confusion and surprise. "what?"

"your bandage. it's gonna get ruined–"

"no, i know that," shin quickly interrupted sabine, inching closer in an unlikely speed towards the mandalorian's space, ultimately sending sabine backward out of reflex. shin's eyes narrowed. "you said something earlier. in an alien language."

"ali– huh?" sabine face contorts in confusion, before things began to click in her mind. "what, di'kut?" she repeated the word at shin, who nods in confirmation. sabine snorts. "that's a mando'a word. it means 'idiot'. because you were."

shin's brow furrowed, and sabine swears her bottom lip quirked up to a pouty frown. "i am not an idiot."

sabine shoots shin an unimpressed look, which the blonde padawan returns with an empty glare. "you literally wanted to soak in a hotspring after someone tore your whole stomach open."

"didn't you dress my wound with a waterproof gauze? it should keep dry for a few hours."

"i-" sabine tries to argue, but shin did have a point. the mandalorian sighed. even if she had better argument points, shin most likely would have ignored sabine and do as she wishes anyway. "alright, fine. but, if your bandage undressed and your wound reopens, you best believe i'll make it hurt when i have to restitch it."

shin quirked her brows in a manner sabine interprets as impressed. the blonde padawan smirks wolfishly. "is that a threat?"

sabine wants to wipe that infuriatingly attractive smirk on shin's face so badly. the mandalorian leans closer towards shin, closing the already small space between them, her eyes darting towards shin's now vanishing smirk. sabine's eyes finds shin's stellar blue eyes as she tilts the blonde padawan by her chin.

"it can be a promise."

sabine swears, for a miniscule split of seconds, shin's pupils dilated and she can hear the soft hitch of her breath; like it was caught in her throat.

shin huffs, amused. "i'll be waiting for it then."

sabine scoffs, but shin had ignored her. shin unclasps her armour and stacking them neatly beside her rock, struggling to lean forward to strip away the lower part of her clothes and armour. shin had kicked off her boots, and is now left with her tight fitting black tank and her matching underwear.

"are you gonna keep staring at me?"

shin's voice snaps sabine out of her blatant staring, turning away with the speed of light to hide her blush. to stop herself from thinking about shin undressing in front of her, sabine immediately began taking off her beskar, one plate at a time.

sabine heard shin rustling behind her, attempting to stand and walk on her own. she had to turn, and saw shin wobbling unsteadily on her feet, but after a few steps, she regained a somewhat more stable stride. when shin finally got into the water, sabine had just finished stripping out of her jumpsuit. she left her beskar pieces neatly next to shin's own armour.

the hotspring feels a lot warmer than yesterday, but it isn't like the heat is intolerable. shin had sat herself down closer towards the deeper parts, the clear water stopping just at her collarbones. her eyes are closed as she dips her head back into the water, and comes back up swiftly. she wipes away water and stray hair clinging to her face, and sighed.

"the water just fine for you?" sabine asks as she dives headfirst, feeling the warmth prickling her cold cheeks. she resurface with a gasp, brushing purple locks away from her face and swims towards shin.

shin hums, eyes still closed. sabine couldn't help but watch shin's throat bobs up and down, and nearly drowned herself after catching herself doing it. shin's voice is soft when she spoke: "the springwater feels nice. i find this place to be a sanctuary in the midst of this wasteland of a planet."

sabine swims closer, stopping herself only a few inches away from shin. "yeah?"

shin nodded, finally peeling her eyes open. her gaze finds sabine's, and sabine began to wonder why are shin's eyes so captivating that she couldn't look away even if she tries. her aquamarine eyes began to roam sabine's face, dancing all over to find whatever it is shin is trying to find, before settling on her lower lip for a few seconds.

sabine feels shin reaching out to her, spread out in thr force. she reached towards shin, trying to meet her in the middle. her eyes almost rolled shut when she finds shin within the force, feeling an intense wave of warmth washing over her whole body.

shin is pulling her closer.

sabine hadn't even realised that she was physically padding towards shin's body until she opens her eyes and finds herself in between shin's legs. her face was much too close to shin's face, but shin isn't showing signs of protest. the blonde padawan's skin has regained some colour from sitting in the hotspring that she lost from the injury, and sabine finds herself staring unashamedly at shin's lips.

it's safe to say that shin barely noticed anything from sabine, because she's also much too occupied eyeing sabine's own lips hungrily. their bond in began to pulse and pull each other in as they feel each other and the ever growing tension that seems amplified. shin had already engulfed sabine in the force with her own tendril-like connection, wrapping her in an intense wave of pleasure and warmth.

"shin…" sabine couldn't stop a breathy whine laced underneath as she says the other padawan's name, the sound escaped her lips straight into shin's mind.

shin winces when sabine wraps herself around shin through their bond, and for a fraction of seconds, the mandalorian was worried she might have hurt shin. alas, with the way shin is grabbing onto sabine's hips, sabine can easily concur that it isn't out of pain. shin's skin burns under her touch, and not because of the warmth of the water surrounding them.

sabine hadn't even realised her body was being yanked forward and found herself seated atop of shin, suddenly looking down into a pair of darkened blue-greenish eyes and drowning into her.

shin's eyes flickered from sabine's down to her lips again before coming back up to meet her again. there's raw and hungry need behind those eyes; sabine doesn't even need to look at shin's eyes to know. sabine ran the pad of her thumb against shin's lower lip, almost sighing when her lips nibbled against her thumb.

she can feel shin; everything that shin is feeling.

shin's lips tremble against sabine's thumb, leaving her lips parted expectantly, and sabine is actively fighting the urge to slip her thumb inside. instead, she drags her thumb down to shin's chin, tilting her up even further. a surprised whine escaped shin.

"sabine…"

sabine shuts her eyes again. she reels in the way shin had said her name in the exact same way as she did yesterday; the way it sends chills up her spine and warmth down her abdomen. shin's grip on her hips tightened, threatening to dip lower. sabine couldn't help but smirk when she opens her eyes again, finding a new and much more satisfying look on shin's eyes.

shin is desperate; oozing with so much want.

"tell me," sabine whispered just above shin's lips, pulling back when the blonde padawan chases after her lips; smiling so teasingly as she hovers above, "what do you want, shin? use your words, cyar'ika."

a soft grunt escaped shin's lips, going straight into sabine's mouth, incoherent, but sabine heard it fine. "i need to kiss you."

sabine smiles, satisfied. her hand finds the side of shin's head, fingers gripping her mane of blonde as she dives her lips into shin's hungry ones. she can feel shin instantaneously grabbing her by her ass and pulls her closer into the open mouthed kiss, moaning from her touch straight into shin's throat.

shin is impatient; jagged and hurried, as she devours sabine whole. her teeth found flesh so easily and efortlessly as sabine allows her to nip and bite on her bottom lip. sabine tasted shin's pure, unadulterated raw need and want bleeding into her tongue, gripping into shin's neck and hair like a lifeline.

everything felt explosive; within her, within shin, and the area around them. their bond heightened every single senses in their body and tuning them to each other and everything surrounding them. it's sending sabine to a huge overdrive.

sabine began to wince in a mix of pleasure and pain; everything pricks at her skin but it feels so good at the same time. her fingers slipped further into the back of shin's head, yanking her hard enough to pull shin out of their hungry kiss. shin, much like a hungry animal, instantly chased for skin when they separated from the kiss, her lips and teeth latching onto sabine's pulse.

"shin... it's–" sabine chokes a moan when shin sucks just right on her pulse point, "fuck… shin... we need–" a louder moan escaped her, unsure why, "shin, it's t-too much now… we need to stop… shin!"

sabine's words fell on deaf ears as shin ignores her and kept her mouth busy on her collarbones, hands roaming on her ass like it's the only thing keeping shin alive. sabine wishes she could give in to the pleasure, but the pain is getting unbearable. the hand on shin's neck pushed her down hard enough, eliciting a surprised choked moan from shin.

sabine had to pretend that the noise didn't arouse her so much more than shin already did.

"shin, we need to p-pull away..." sabine hisses sternly through pain and pleasure. when she felt the bond between them pulsing again, she had to fight back another moan. "shin, pull away. right now."

shin regained a little more coherency and restraint at the urgency in sabine's tone, nodding as she began to slowly detach herself from sabine, physically and through the force.

somehow, pulling away from each other has become more painful than when they were engulfed in each other. shin growled carnally while sabine is on the other end, clutching her whole body in her arms because of the pain.

sabine immediately shuts off the bridge between them the same time as shin did, and much like yesterday, they both laid on opposite ends with bated and uneven breaths. shin laid flat on her back against the edges of the spring, whereas sabine was on her stomach and propped on her arms weakly.

"shin," sabine breathlessly called, trying to crawl closer towards shin. she gargled on the water, choking out, "are you okay?"

shin grunts as she rises from the water. "i'm alright." she turns to find sabine beside her. "you do not look or sound as alright."

sabine shush her as she tries dragging her body upwards, flipping over wetly so she's on her back. "shut up. not everyone who just had what felt like force-sex on spice gets to walk away as easily as you do, okay? i think i fried a bunch of my nerves."

"i see you've found your eloquency back."

"fuck you."

shin kinked a brow, amused. "didn't you already?"

sabine shot her a glare, but with the flushed cheeks, it's really not putting much effect. "shin hati, i swear i'll shoot you with my blaster if you keep talking."

sabine swears she saw shin's cheeks and neck flush a faint red, but doesn't think much about it, blaming it on the heat of the hotspring. speaking of necks, sabine starts to feel the dull throb of where shin had latched on her skin, groaning loudly.

"please tell me you didn't leave any marks," sabine moans as she touches the tender spots.

shin eyes sabine's neck, a ghost of her infuriating smirk began to haunt over her lips. guiltlessly, shin says, "there are some red marks all over."

"oh, come on! i bruise easily, shin!"

"you are a lot more adorable than i thought, then."

sabine grumbled loudly, but can't really bring herself to be actually mad at shin. "i really am going to shoot you with my blaster one day."

shin tilts her head back. "i will be waiting on that." she then slowly starts to rise from the water, walking slightly bent forward while clutching her bandaged wound. sabine watches with narrowed eyes as shin struts towards their pile of clothes and armour.

sabine had suspected something, immediately rising from the water to chase shin. shin quirked her brows, expression confused, but her body is shifted away from sabine's eyes as shin fumbles over with her tunic and pants.

sabine crossed arms. "your wound opened, didn't it." when shin ignored her, sabine grabbed her by her hips to look for the injury. and sure enough, the now soaking bandage is seeping with red right where shin's wound is at. "i told you it'll reopen."

shin merely shrugs, putting on her pants and tunic over her wet clothes. she began clasping up her armour pieces, while sabine huffs and puts on her own jumpsuit, skipping her beskar pieces. she takes out the large fur coat in her bag to make room for her beskar, tossing the coat at shin.

"what is this for?" shin asks, puzzled.

sabine zips up her jumpsuit. "put it on. it's almost nightfall and it'll get cold. you're coming back with me to my camp."

shin frowns. "no. i will go back to my own."

"shin, for fuck's sake," sabine groaned, unamused, "your wound is open. you come back to your camp with a gaping wound like that, and i'll have to look for your cold body tomorrow. i doubt the bandit's camp is crawling around with medkits or droids." when shin is unmoving, sabine sighs, speaking softer, "come with me. just for the night. deal?"

shin was quiet for a few beats, before sighing curtly. "fine. just for tonight."

sabine nodded, helping shin get up on her howler. "stay slumped over so your stitches won't get any more loose."

shin nodded quietly, and sabine hops onto her howler, guiding the white howler behind her as they make their way back to the fulcrum and the noti camp. sabine made a couple turns to look back at shin, making sure she didn't fall off her howler, and was relieved each time shin stays slumped over. her white howler is swift, but is gentle with shin.

they made it back to the fulcrum in only a couple of minutes, and sabine quickly got down from her howler to help shin come down from hers. sabine saddles her bag on one shoulder, and props shin on her other shoulder as they walk into the fulcrum's landing ramp.

"huyang!!" sabine yells into the fulcrum and drops her bag haphazardly. "is the med droid online?"

huyang appeared from the lightsaber parts storage room, halted in his track as he finds an awkwardly standing sabine with shin on her shoulder, looking at him expectantly and impatiently.

"i believe it's rebooting. i'll go and check it."

sabine mutters a small 'thanks' as she drags shin towards the medbay, the sliding door hissing open and the whiff of sanitary disinfectant hits both of their nostrils. shin wrinkles her nose, disagreeing with the scent, but made no comments.

"c'mon, let's get you up on the bed."

sabine hurriedly unclasped the fur coat and diligently undoes shin's damp tunic. she turns to the shelf to grab a pair of scissors to rip open shin's bandage, tossing the damp and bloodied gauze away. she snips away at the quick-stitches and threw them. she was preparing a disinfecting wipe when the door slides open and revealed an inquisitive ahsoka.

"sabine?"

"oh, hey, 'soka." sabine nods at her master. she then began to dab the disinfectant wipe on shin's without warning or preparation.

shin instantly growled, "fuck, sabine!!" while yanking on the sleeves of sabine's jumpsuit. the blonde padawan threw her head back in pain, before shooting a rabid glare at sabine as she spits, "a warning would be nice."

sabine rolled her eyes, ignoring shin. "i told you. if your wound reopens, i'll make the restitching hurt. you wanted my promise, didn't you?"

"fuck you." shin barely hissed it out because she had to throw her head back in pain when sabine pressed the wipe on her wound harder, groaning loudly.

"lady wren, the medic droid is online." huyang calls from the doorway, just behind ahsoka. "do you still need it's assistance?"

"no."

shin glares at sabine, borderline murderous. sabine thinks it's familiar to when they first met.

ahsoka steps in, lucky for shin. "let the droid work. sabine? a word."

sabine nods, tossing her wipes away. she sneers at shin. "you're lucky tonight, shin." she skids over to let the medic droid in to the medbay, grabbing huyang by his metallic arm, softly whispering, "keep an eye on her, will you?"

huyang nods, and sabine left shin with the droids in the medbay as she struts towards the common table with ahsoka sat on it. sabine pours two cups of tea, and slides the other cup at ahsoka while she sips on her own cup.

sabine was the first to ask. "what's up?"

"did you fight her?" ahsoka nods at the medbay.

"no, i found her like that. said she ran into a different kind of bandits and someone nearly gutted her." sabine sets down her cup, crossing her arm forward. "i patched her up, but the stitches were loose. had to bring her here, else she'd spill her whole intenstines out."

ahsoka nods, slow and processing. she sighs, and sabine isn't quite sure what that meant. "do you trust her, sabine?"

"shin?" sabine's brow quirked, chuckling. "she's harmless as a loth kitten. a bit feral, but a kitten, nonetheless."

"did she come with willingly?" ahsoka shifts to face sabine, curious.

sabine shrugs. "only for the night. i don't know about next, but that's a problem for tomorrow." the mandalorian stretches her arms up high, feeling her muscles tightening in coils. "she can have my bunk, i'll sleep at the cockpit."

ahsoka chuckles. "no, you won't. stay with her."

"what do you mean stay with her?" sabine had whipped her head at ahsoka in a speed of light.

"no need to pretend like you don't like staying by her side when you're with me, padawan," ahsoka teases sabine, nudging her shoulder as she heads towards the medbay. her togrutan master had an amused look in her eyes that sabine does not like, and it doesn't help stopping herself from getting flustered. "i'm gonna have a sit down talk with her for a bit."

the medbay door closes, and sabine groans. there's really no arguing with ahsoka at this point, so sabine heads to the bunks to clear out her bunk. she shuts the door to the bunks to change from her jumpsuit to a more casual, loose fitting sleepwear clothes. subconsciously, she draws another pair of light shaded sleepwear clothes for their guest.

sabine gets out of the bunks to grab her bag and unpack her beskar pieces and stores them properly. she scatters her armguards and blasters on the common table, inspecting and polishing her weapons.

she reloaded her blasters with new rounds, and was in the middle of inspecting her armguards when the medbay door hissed open, producing ahsoka and a topless shin, with neatly stitched stomach.

sabine had to forcibly peel her eyes off of shin, and catches ahsoka telling shin, "rest for the night. we can discuss more in the morning."

shin doesn't say much, only nodding at ahsoka. sabine watches as her master gently pats shin's shoulder in a similar gesture as ahsoka always does to sabine. ahsoka heads towards the cockpit and shutting the door, leaving the two padawans in an awkward silence in the common table. huyang had left elsewhere, probably going to low power mode after rebooting the medic droid.

sabine looks at shin, who was already staring at her. the mandalorian leaves her weapons on the common table, grabbing shin by her hands to drag them towards the bunks and shutting the door behind. shin stood like a lost puppy, half naked, so sabine hands her the pair of sleep clothes.

"put these on," sabine instructed, kinking her brows, "what happened to your tunic?"

shin puts on the loose sleeveless shirt, struggling slightly due to the fresh stitches. sabine tries not to think of how adorable shin is with dishevelled hair. "your droid took it to get it cleaned. he insisted."

sabine laughs. "ah, yeah. that's huyang for you."

shin looks around curiously, holding her pauldrons. "where should i put my armour?"

"just put it on the storage compartment over there." sabine yawned, stretching her back. "you go ahead and sleep on my bunk. i'm gonna take the spare."

"and your master?"

"ahsoka? she seems content with sleeping in the cockpit. i don't blame her. she purrs in her sleep."

shin had an incredulous look on her face, but didn't comment on it. she sighs as she strips off her pants to switch into the matching sleep pants sabine gave her, before tucking into sabine's bunk. sabine watches curiously as shin squeezes far into the wall, leaving space beside her, turning to look at sabine expectantly.

"there's more than enough space here."

"what, you want me to sleep with you?"

shin shot her a look. "do not pretend like you weren't considering it. i can still feel your thoughts."

sabine tries to argue, but purses her lips anyway. she huffs, taming down the blush rising on her chest. "fine, alright. stop peeping into my brain."

shin shuffles as sabine lays down beside her, a faint smirk curling up her lips. "i am not. besides, there isn't much to look into anyway."

sabine wanted to say something snarky back at shin, but watching shin with her dishevelled hair and face much too close than sabine expected, she couldn't stop herself from letting her gaze drop to shin's lips. without thinking, sabine caught shin's lips in hers, smirking in satisfaction when shin made a noise akin to a soft mewl. it was swiftly replaced with shin kissing her back hungrily in rushed little pecks.

"eager, aren't we?" sabine mutters in half-whispers against shin's lips, pulling back teasingly when she frustratedly tries to chase sabine's lips. she supressed a moan when one of shin's hands grips at her hip, rewarding the blonde padawan with another kiss and tugs at her now reddening lower lip.

shin doesn't reply verbally, opting to slot one of her thighs between sabine's, humming in satisfaction when the mandalorian instinctively bucked her hips against her. when she spoke again, her voice is husked and low, "you were saying?"

sabine sighed, finding shin's hungry gaze again.

oh, this is definitely going to be a long night.

[directdogman]

my power went out in the middle of me coding in the hobo interaction in my game and i feel like the little shit shart did it on purpose

like 4 HOURS WASTED THAT AINT NO ACCIDENT THAT FELLA DID IT ON PURPOSE I KNOW IT. THEIR GOD IRL CONFIRMED !!???!?

God: "Wow, your power went out? That's craaazy. While you were using it? Man, that's not really all that considerate, is it? Maybe the grid hiccuped. That happens sometimes. It sucks, but it's true. Nothing is dependable ALL of the time, after all. Y'know there's an acceptable amount of bug pieces that can turn up in candy? If they're able to legally sell you a candy bar with a centipede inside it, I guess it's to be expected that sometimes, power just kinda goes out. I mean, ya'd think they'd figure out a way to pump out stuff to chow down on without spiders in it before they'd figure out how to make electricity that never shuts off (even IF a spider falls into the reactor), right? Electricity is complicated, after all, way more than spiders and centipedes. Y'ever seen a spider create music? It's been known to happen, but it's rare is what I'm sayin'.

Y'know, actually, I think it's funny: If ya place a mass of spiders on a hamster wheel, they basically won't produce any amount of electricity worth talkin' about. They just kinda dart around aimlessly. Can't really coordinate spiders. Too many legs. More legs means more chaos. That's a rule. Ever stare at a crab? 'Scuttle, scuttle, pinch', that's a crab's motto. Lobsters aren't much better, but they have their own deal going on the side, which I won't go into now. All that being said, GOOD LUCK keeping insects from sprinting into reactors and frying the power grid for a moment, though! I mean, it's no wonder they keep appearing inside candy. They're skeevy lil fuckers, y'know. Like I said, lots of legs. An excessive number, even. 4 pairs. That's eight legs. Don't even get me STARTED on centipedes! No creature that isn't up to SOME kind of malarkey would need that many legs. Me, I've just got the two and boy, do I get a lot of use out of 'em. I mean, I stand around a lot, of course. Granted, I could sit or lie down, but then people'd assume I'm lazy... which maybe I am, but a lil bit of effort's gotta count for something, eh? Wait, what were we talkin' about again? Oh right, how to keep spiders out of reactors. Honestly, I think we'll figure it out some day, but as marvelous as the wonders of modern science are, I just don't think we're there quite yet. Maybe some day. All I know is, it won't be ME to figure the mystery out, that's for damned sure. Anyway, ya got any change?"

[petruchio]

Okay I am not a swiftie, so I might be horribly misinformed (forgive me if so!), but I wanted to hear your thoughts on the billboard thing?

I saw a post about how billboard is limiting album releases to 2, including the deluxe version, in response to certain artists. I know thats a hot topic for Taylor, and I want your thoughts on that in general.

But also, I saw someone saying that tpd had almost 30 releases with unique content and this seemed wild to me? Like 30 is huge? Seems too big to be true, so I’m going to my only trusted Taylor resource.

I’d like to know what you think about this whole thing! I know it’s super nuanced and (possibly?) polarizing in the swiftie community? So sorry if I’m putting you in a tough spot, but I typically find your takes on Taylor refreshing!

As an outsider who isn’t really a fan of Taylor, but will always recognize her many amazing songs and undeniable contribution to music, it DOES sound like a good step toward accuracy in measuring popularity?

But like idk?? I haven’t considered all angles and I’m sure you’ll have insight!

haha wow well i appreciate the compliment!!! i do try to be a reasonable taylor fan, like i love a lot of her work and i do appreciate when she does things well but i don't think she (or any artist!!!!) has a perfect output or is a perfect person and i think it's fair to be honest when something isn't working for me. being a fan of anything doesn't necessitate blindly worshipping everything one human being does or says. we all flop sometimes and its ok. even shakespeare had some stinkers.

wrt to the billboard thing, i think it's great. i don't know a ton about it and i'm not super invested in charts in general (like i have been a britney fan for long enough to know that charts are meaningless, lol) but it seems to me like it is a great way to measure actual consumption/popularity of music. it also seems to me like a net positive for the environment, because it discourages creating additional and unnecessary waste just for the sake of selling more units.

wrt to taylor? i guess i'm of two minds about it. on the one hand, i don't exactly fault her for finding a loophole and exploiting it. like sure, go ahead, if you want to chart number one by exploiting a stupid rule, that's not like, evil. my opinion is less so that it's bad in it of itself and moreso just that it is kind of ... embarrassing? like as a fan you want to believe the artists you love are putting out music for the sake of the art alone. and i'm not saying any working artist in the modern world can just divorce themselves from the financial piece of being a creative as well, but it definitely left me with a bad taste in my mouth after the whole ttpd chart fiasco. (to answer your question ttpd had like 34 versions i think? and i maintained all along that it wasn't so much evil or morally wrong as it was just cringe)

so i don't know. i guess if i was in her position and i could break a record just for fun by exploiting a dumb loophole... i can't say it wouldn't cross my mind to do it. but it also made me feel like the album wasn't really created to rest on its quality alone -- that it was created (or at least, structured and released in the way that it was) with the intention of breaking records as opposed to creating a really strong body of work. and that's just not something that appeals to me as a fan. i'd rather one copy of a perfect 13 track album that charts at number 9 for a few weeks than a bloated meandering collection of half-baked ideas that's released 30+ times just to break a meaningless record.

and i know a lot of swifties will argue and say no, she released all those tracks because she HAD to, she HAD to say all that stuff and blah blah blah. and to that all i can really say is like, guys come on LOL. like we can like it and that's fine but we don't have to pretend like it's not extremely obvious what she's doing and why. like oh the midnights 3am tracks boosted my streaming numbers exponentially? what if i DOUBLED those?! oh not releasing a lead single for folklore meant my first day streams went WAY up? let's never release a lead single again!

taylor is pretty easy to predict because she tends to do what worked last time but MORE, and i don't fault her for it necessarily on principle, i only get frustrated when the quality of the work starts slipping -- when it feels like the strategy of it comes before the artistic integrity.

that's my take, i guess. im not going to pretend guilty as sin? wasn't one of my top streamed songs last year. but i'm also not going to pretend this album made half the impact in popular culture as fearless or 1989 or gosh even midnights. we can have both!!

[olivsie]

Something I like about epic the musical is that it Gives it's changes to the original text an actual Purpose

( The first couple paragraphs are basically a rant regarding retellings. If you only want to hear about epic Skip to paragraph 4)

1. I am a bit annoyed by the lack of. Understanding as to why RETELLINGS aren't the most historicaly accurate things in the world. Sorry to break this to you, but that's both just how they work and I would guess how they reach success. Ancient Greece is a much different culture than our own, And most of us would be terrified to actually live back then. When you are Trying to create content That is based on ancient Greece And you want it to be successful/ At least reach a wide, and notably, MODERN audience. You're likely going to have to take some creative liberty And change a few things. Don't get me wrong, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIKE RETELLINGS KNOWING THAT FACT ( Me personally, I'm not the biggest fan of Miller's novels Even though I do like epic) BUT IT IS SOMETHING TO BE AWARE OF. And because of that I don't think I would ever expect a retelling to be perfectly accurate And I don't. I had interest in mythology LONG before epic the musical But I didn't actually read the Odyssey until getting into epic. I did not expect it To be just like the musical, I knew Odysseus was going to be much more of an asshole, along with other characters. The odyssey and epic are different pieces of media to me And I am not less of a mythology nerd for liking epic ( Though I will admit that sometimes I take tiny little fun facts of mythology And like to think of them in the context of epic, but that's just for fun.)

2. The Only time being a fan of retellings is wrong as if you genuinely believe they are perfectly accurate And refuse to listen to anything else ( Which has definitely happened, And mythology nerds have the right to be annoyed at that)

3. Some people only like to consume real mythology media, Others like both real mythology and retellings, Others only like to engage with retellings (I would hope they have the self-awareness to know It's not real mythology, From what I've seen some do and some don't, Unfortunately)

4. Ok. now on to what the title of this long ass rant says

I like that epic the musical Retells the story, Not only to both cater to modern audience But Also with its OWN purpose of man versus monster.

Obviously, this is not the point of the original text. Mythos Odysseus does not give a single fuck About the stuff that epic odysseus does. I don't know why the creator Decided to rewrite it this way, (If he's ever said why let me know) But I would assume he wanted to make something about the oddessy And this was simply a very creative way to Translate that for modern audience.

I like this because, yes, holy damn. It does have changes from the original text. But it's not JUST changing it. It's changing it with a purpose

It feels reminiscent of some kind of Dramatic play. the way that epic characterizes.

Polites' kind nature is Representative of the Concept of being merciful Represented in his lines such as " This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms" /"There is so much guilt inside your heart, So why not replace it?"

While in contrast you have eurylochus with more ruthlessness and cautious nature, this is Found in some of his lines such as "You rely on wit, and people die on it" /"we don't know what's ahead" / "I say we strike first. We don't have time to waste so lets raid the place-" /"Let's just cut our losses, You and I and let's run"

And then you have Odysseus, the man/monster. The first act of this Musical is his internal struggle With what He should be On that scale. And the other characters Represent this struggle in the song monster

" Is the cyclops struck with gilt when he kills, is he up in the middle of the night? Or does he end my men to avenge his friend and then Sleep knowing he has done him right?

When the witch turns men to pigs to protect her nymphs, is she going insane? Or did she learn to be colder when she got older and now she saves them the pain?

When a God comes down and makes a Fleet drown Is he scared that he's doing something wrong? Or does he keep us in check So we must respect him and now no one dares to piss him off"

He then Applies this to himself

" Does a soldier use a wooden horse to kill sleeping trojans cause he is vile? Or does he throw away his remorse and save more lives with guile?"

And this marks his turning point of deciding that Ruthlessness It's ultimately worth it if it means Getting home, as aeolus says "The end Always justifies the means"

It's in my opinion, a very creative way to go about retelling a myth. Is it accurate? Absolutely not. For example, circe (From what we know) is not protecting When she turns men into pigs, For all we know, she could just do it because Shits and giggles.

Her character and most others in epic is changed from the original. But it's not ONLY changing for the sake of apeling to the modern Western audience and being successful like Many other retellings. It is also and mainly changing for the sake of influencing the plot that Jorge Rivera herrans crafted For the sake of Retelling epic. It is creative and I enjoy it despite knowing it's not accurate.

[weirdmageddon]

personal customization

(originally written 8/24/24 on cohost)

i realize i dont feel like i outwardly personalize the things i own unless they’re gifts from others and i just arrange them.

i live according to my absolute bare needs to an insane degree because i get so involved in my work and in my head sorting abstract bookshelves.

i’ve had my laptop for 4 years and it still never occurred to me to change the wallpaper or customize anything. i just have other things in mind when i boot it up. i keep the same discord icon for months at a time, often over a year.

earlier my mom bought me binders that my looseleaf anatomy & physiology textbook could fit into and wrote my name on them, because it didnt even occur to me to do that. she said, “wow you never personalize your stuff! i have to personalize everything i have! even in college in your dorm room you were living out of your cardboard boxes.” (this is true. one band poster on the wall, one mood lamp, unpacked my clothes into the drawers, laptop on my desk, the small flat-screen tv from my room at home, nintendo switch i barely used there anyway, and that’s it. everything else was out of the cardboard boxes.)

“you’re like jon who was able to live with a lamp, a single mattress on his floor, and his chemistry research.”

i really could be as long as my physiological needs are met (im sensitive to temperature and humidity so i would need the modern convenience of need air conditioning) i really don't need much.

i just dont think to buy things for myself. i rarely ask for anything either because i don’t think to ask, unless it’s something necessary. i’m extremely low maintenance. literally ive been living off of people’s kindness. i don’t know how to repay it physically but through spending quality time with them. analyzing and explaining to them what it means to me, sage advice, and giving myself to them to solve technical issues, chores, etc..

i greatly admire people who are able to transform a space into something that oozes character and color and feels cozy, personalized, just because. i also find i do also end up doing this... but it's entirely by accident. it turns into a collection of objects i accumulate or am passively drawn to, such as in my own room where i have a black light and a UV-sensitive duvet cover that i thought was interesting and i like having in my space. but i'm not one for really adding or changing the things in my space. it stays pretty inert unless someone gives me a thing, but even then it depends on if i want to keep it and where i would keep it.

does this mean i have no aesthetic preferences? certainly not. i'm a sucker for art and art that conveys a certain inexplicable expression to me. it's extremely important to me. i like looking at it, but it's something i collect and appreciate rather than something i show off i guess. i'd say i do have a distinctive taste, despite my blindness to outward personalization. two tags on my sideblog where i collect things i like (they sometimes overlap):

#aes

#art insp

i have a sleeve of stickers but i don't know where to stick them. i have things that i very much enjoy but for some reason i don't decorate the things i own with them unless the urge is overwhelming. because i think, what if this thing i stick it to gets old? what if something else comes along that i wish i had stuck it to instead? then i'll have to throw the stickers out too. and i'll feel like it was a waste. so i just feel paralyzed, i don't do anything, and it's easier not to think about it and instead focus on other things. or leave it to somebody else, but under my guidance.

i'm the kinda person who will squeeze every last drop out of something before throwing it out. i've been using the same black strapbag since middle school and i just graduated college with a 4-year degree this year. even when it comes to toothbrushes my mom is the one who realizes they need to be changed before i do, because like, they're still workable to me. i'm the complete and total opposite of the fast fashion mindset. i habitually live by the hand-me-down creed. all that matters is comfort, convenience, and lasts a long time. style and appearance is secondary. and i only really worry about it if i have to impress someone or make a good impression, but it's not what i naturally gravitate towards personally as an individual.

i really just don't need much but i profoundly appreciate people who gift me things especially if i will get a lot of use out of them. gift giving isn't how i express my gratitude in return, though, because i'm never fully confident in my gifts unless they're exactly what someone asked for (and they know it), but i think i make up for it in other ways. i will give something i own that's meaningful to me to someone if i happen to like them enough.

i feel bad getting gifts that i know i won't get a lot of use out of because i feel like i let the person down, or they wasted their money despite me understanding it as a heartfelt gift. but i sort of equate the heartfeltness of the gift with how much use potential it has for me, how much i'll be able to get out of it. i feel like i'm cheating them out of something if i can't. they spent their resources for me, and it would be a waste if i couldn't put it to use or appreciate having it for a long time. and if someone does that for me i want to get the most out of it, but i can't get the most out of everything. and it makes me feel bad on their behalf, like i'd want to regift it so they can get their money back if i can't get their money's worth out of it, but i also want them to know i appreciate that they thought of me enough to get me something. but i know people don't take well to that or would find it offensive, even though i don't mean it like that.

my own state of existence is kind of monotonous if i dont have people giving me new impressions. i don’t think about material things except in the sense of how they “have” to be. i just habitually do the bare minimum to be functional without even realizing i can get things that i want to. my own desires aren’t as strong as me weighing pros/cons about how i spend my time and if it’s worth investing my Whole Being into doing something. i end up being on extreme or the other: putting my whole being in or none at all. there’s no half-assing anything with me. im literally incapable of doing it. (executive dysfunction DOES NOT HELP EITHER)

despite all this someone online who doesn't know me all that well (just an acquaintance) described me as having elegant vibes. when people think of elegant i assume they think of physical elegance, but i think mental elegance is a better way of describing me. i know that i love the aesthetic principle of elegance a lot: unusual effectiveness + simplicity. and if that's the basic definition that underlies elegance in artful expression (e.g. visual design) and logical systems (e.g. mathematics), then i would consider myself elegant. i always tend to look for the broadest but most precise encapsulation of a thing, and that in itself carries elegance with it. ...... but i also like a bit of a unique tacky spin thrown in too. in fact, elegance is the reason i started posting on cohost. it's the elegant blogging platform i couldve asked for. fresh start, small space. easy markdown and html options if necessary. starting with visually customizing my page is overwhelming and it always ends up second to its primary functional purpose, which is to transmit the input of words from my keyboard to your computer screen. that is primarily my vehicle of expression of self. it doesn’t mean i don’t admire people’s customization. in fact it’s one of the things i most admire and wish i had for myself. i just get so overwhelmed i don’t even know where to begin, but it’s also secondary to my thoughts and what i have to communicate.

(tumblr edit: well shit lol byebye cohost)