#but i figured ive been making too many depressing posts

[goth1c-pinki3-pi3]

“what has life come to..” he thinks, “What life am i living, where i have become ashamed of what i love..?” He unknowingly has stopped talking as much as he used to. Stopped picking petty fights with his twin, stoped responding in a falsely angry tone to teases.

He just took them at face value. Didn’t dignify them with a response. Didn’t stop to think about what they said and just responded with a small “okay”, as if that answered for everything. He even stopped with the nicknames for his friends. Or, what he thought were his friends. He could never gauge who liked him and who didn’t.

Not like it mattered anymore. He’s decided to stop trying. Stop talking about his interests unless he’s asked directly, stopped talking unless he was talked to.

He didn’t think it was all too important.

His volleyball skills held up despite his change, he was still able to communicate to his teammates about what he was doing, and how he was playing, but he stopped smiling. He stopped forcing his emotions to show. He stopped trying to be normal. It never changed anything, so why bother?

He didn’t know it, but this sudden change unnerved his teammates. But they didn’t know how to help him. Or even if he wanted help. No one knew anything, not Osamu, not Suna, not even Sakusa. No one knew anything.

And they never asked him head on.

[pepprs]

hi, everyone. i hope you all are doing well. i’ve been meaning and wanting to check in here for many months but i have also been too afraid to. but i want to do it now because im potentially at a turning point and i want you all (especially close friends and mutuals who i haven’t talked to in a long time) to know what’s going on because unfortunately i do not have the strength to reach out individually right now, as much as i desperately want to.

when i left this place a year ago my depression was extremely bad. i didn’t know how long i was going to be gone or whether i was leaving for good, but i knew i needed to make some changes in my life before i could be here healthily again. well… 2024 has been a year of IMMENSE change for me! a lot of it has been for the good. i made some progress in my life by moving out, and i’ve had a lot of joy and healing in (very slowly) building a home for myself and figuring out what kind of life i want to live and how i want to live it. (im learning how to drive! i have string lights and stuffed animals and a wii! i am capable of solo travel!)

but… a lot of the changes that have happened this year have been for the worse. in almost every respect 2024 has been one of the most difficult and painful years of my life (and that is saying something!). this year a couple of traumatic things have happened to me and around me, and it has been extremely hard to live my life despite and beyond them. i have been dealing with physical and mental health issues that have greatly impacted my quality of life and make it unbearably difficult for me to get through every day. i am constantly running on negative spoons. one of the most damaging outcomes of this is that i have almost completely withdrawn from society both online and off and that is not an exaggeration. ive stopped talking to all of my friends and family except for people i see every day at work. i impulsively isolate myself when im in pain / distress despite knowing both emotionally and logically that it makes literally everything worse and i don’t know how to (and often can’t muster the mental strength to) work through the shame and grief and anxiety to seek connection and support. and im struggling to take care of myself including physically and its having severe consequences in every aspect of my life and in the lives of people who care about me. i live alone and i still think that was the good and right choice for me to make, but i am profoundly and agonizingly lonely. my depression was extremely bad when i left here, but i think despite everything it might be even worse now.

all of this is to say: this week i finally decided i can’t suffer like this anymore, and i began the process of seeking a formal diagnosis for my depression and other mental health issues and exploring additional treatment beyond talk therapy (most likely meds but there may be other things too / instead; still at the very beginning stages of figuring it all out). i am extremely anxious about many dimensions of this but also hopeful that it will help me hurt less because when i tell you at this point my brain and heart physically ache from depression like 85% of every day…. lol. im really hoping that once i get my mental / emotional pain under control i’ll be able to start tending to the parts of my life that have withered while ive suffered and repair the damage of my neglect as best i can. (which is to say… if you’re my friend and you’re reading this please know i love you and i miss you terribly and i am so sorry we haven’t spoken and i am so sorry im telling you this in a tumblr post you may not even read instead of a reply or a call back. i still love you and i want you to know it is not you specifically i am ghosting, its everyone. i am trying to build the strength and im scared i can’t but i hope i can.)

that said… i have decided i am not going to be coming back to this blog. i miss this place and the community i felt connected to here, but the way i was using this website as a public diary was extremely unhealthy, and as much as i miss it and still crave the instant comfort/validation i see clearly now with months of distance how damaging it was. (i truly cannot believe i was oversharing like that lol i am so private now (yes due largely to mental illness but still!)) i am so grateful to everyone who reassured me when i was struggling and celebrated my successes. this was the first place, online or off, where i (misguidedly but it’s true!) could actually be honest and candid about things happening in my life and my reactions to them instead of communicating it all through metaphors in my art and poetry, and it truly mattered that i had that experience here so that i could seek out more spaces like it in my offline life. i know i already said thank you in a previous update but really… thank you. 💗🫂

im not planning on deleting this blog. i may come back here and share updates like this one from time to time, but otherwise i will leave it as it is. but… i do want to get back to using a few of my fandom-centered sideblogs because looking at and compiling art of things i like is a low-energy thing that makes me happy! so you may see activity there every once in a while (tbh during this hiatus i have opened tumblr from time to time to look at art and save a bunch of posts that i wanted to reblog eventually lol). but… if i notice myself slipping back into bad habits i may private the sideblogs or abandon them completely.

i don’t know how to end this post. actually wait yes i do. one of my all time favorite artists is anna-laura sullivan (@/annalaura_art on instagram) and this is one of my all time favorite drawings of hers (so much so that i made it my lock screen so i can look at it every day!). this saying has brought me a lot of comfort and i hope it (and her other art) will bring you comfort too if you’re also in a dark place.

one more thing: not to be kind of a freak but in writing this post i discovered a longer version of my goodbye post from last year in my drafts. i don’t remember why i didn’t post it and obviously it’s outdated now but i want to share the draft because i went into more detail about tumblr having been helpful for me specifically when it comes to my mutuals + info / disclaimers about how to reach me and i want you guys to hear that in my past self’s voice lol! i put it under the cut if you want to read it!

2023 tess said it best: i hope you know how much it’s meant to me to be in your company. thank you for sharing and thank you for listening. i love you. happy [almost] new year. be well. good luck. shine bright. until we meet again ☕️🐈🫂💗

[kiritila]

Are you still gonna be updating no one saw me?

this is such a long time overdue, but since ive been away so long i figured this would be a good way to address everything, like whats been happening in my life and my future plans for no1sm for everyones clarity.

to put it shortly, i work full-time, and have done for nearly 2 years now. i am a product designer and i work monday-friday, 9-5. i attend a full day of college classes once a week, this day being even longer than a work day, and on top of that i have a personal work-based tutor that i have to complete work for as well. so in terms of professional obligations, im extremely busy. in my personal life, ive been seeing friends a lot, running errands, planning for weddings, parties, buying a car, SO MANY THINGS. my life has been so hectic.

ive also been suffering some health problems recently. my earliest or readers that are close friends probably know i began writing no1sm to vent my feelings about trauma i underwent, and this obviously still affects me quite greatly alongside depression and anxiety. ive also been suffering quite badly with insomnia and fatigue problems, as well as, embarrassingly, moderately bad eczema.

perhaps the most ridiculous development of all: I AM NOT CURRENTLY HYPERFIXATED ON SOUTH PARK. SHOCK HORROR. BUT PLEASE DONT PANIC: it is still my spin, stan and kyle are still my most favourite characters ever, and most of all i still ENJOY south park and enjoy thinking about, planning, and writing no1sm (when im not completely utterly knackered). ive actually recently gotten majorly into formula 1 as a result of my friends, so if there are any f1 fans following me PLEASE SAY HI!!!!! i plan to do art for it but i have been busy and im also very much a perfectionist. (FYI: my favourite driver is max verstappen. no questions asked. i also love charles daniel lando oscar and honestly most drivers on the grid. i love niki lauda james hunt seb vettel and jenson button. i had a brief mclaren tooned hyperfixation. I AM CURRENTLY INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED OVER DANIEL RICCIARDO LOSING HIS SEAT)

anyway.. getting back on track.

AM I STILL GOING TO BE UPDATING NO1SM?

YES. YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. i dont know when, but this story is something i have to complete for myself and for you guys. i realised i was putting myself under so much pressure for it to be perfect that it sapped the love i felt for it from me. now that i no longer have visible eyes on me waiting for updates on twitter, i feel much freer and relaxed with it. i dont know how or when, but yes, the story will be completed. do not ask me about the kyle prequel ive planned though DONT DO IT.

i also dont plan on posting about updates anywhere other than tumblr going forwards. ive since moved on from the twitter south park fandom where i was most active, as i felt like i was too old to be in a fandom of minors and the discourse was simply too much. so i decided to move to a fan space and sport that is a million times worse but still somehow has been better for me. so if you still want to follow me on twitter even though i dont south park post anymore, you can follow me at @vrstappns :)

WILL NO1SM HAVE AN UPDATE SCHEDULE?

NO. sorry, my mental health and my career comes first. i want to try and find a better balance that leaves me time to write but im afraid i need time to ease myself back in after so long off and theres no guarantee how long that will take me.

WILL YOU STILL BE MAKING ART FOR NO1SM?

YES. I HOPE. who knows when though cause i havent been able to draw in a long time and im still pissed off that i cant draw max verstappen as easily as i could ever draw kyle broflovski.

AM I ALLOWED TO USE YOUR STORY AND WRITE THE ENDING FOR MYSELF?

NO. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. as much as other authors may encourage this I REALLY DO NOT LIKE THIS. you dont know how much work i have put into this fic as well as how much of my own life and traumas are embedded between the lines of writing. this fic is practically half of me in the same way my parents’ DNA is a part of my make-up. not to sound rude but to even think you could possibly imagine how i intend for this fic to resolve and end when you dont even know me is laughable.

HOW WILL THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRIES OF FORMULA ONE INFLUENCE THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRY OF STAN AND KYLE GOING FORWARDS?

im sure 2019 charles leclerc and max verstappen guided carefully by brocedes and james hunt and niki lauda will figure something out. maybe not brocedes actually i am unsure if i want stan marsh to end up like nico rosberg. but i guess he is a good youtuber too and has great hair which is two things stan is NOT. gay loser. also david coulthard and sebastian vettel are there somewhere. GAY RED BULL RACING WILL LEAD US TO WORLD PEACE

thank you so much for reading, i know youve all probably moved on with your life but its a weight off my chest to finally write this out. i love this fic and i love that you all love this fic, if you are still here. i can only apologise for how long ive made you all wait.

please just have patience with me,

thanks muchly,

mike (formerly marshplaylist) vrstappns

[alteon77]

Updated Masterlist of Writing and Art

About the writer/artist: I like to write and paint. My current obsession is Sandman, but I enjoy most fantasy fandoms as well as anime (I think I’m on season seven billion of One Piece right now 🤣). I'm also weird as they come (and awkward, too), so just please ignore my oddball (coughTERRIBLEcough) sense of humor.

On a more personal note, I have PTSD and suffer from severe manic depressive episodes. Writing and art are my most familiar coping mechanisms, and I need them like I need oxygen. Seriously, there were times in my life that knowing I had to finish a story or a piece of art was the only thing stopping me from ending up dead. So, I don't take part in fandom drama. Having my peace and protecting my mental health are very big deals to me, and I won't risk those for anything if I can help it.

As for my writing, it ranges from short one-shots to ridiculously long novel series. I use third person POV (on longer series) as well as second person (on shorter things). I also try to always exclude physical descriptions when writing main character OCs and assign them nicknames to avoid using Y/N. I love to read Y/N fics, but writing them makes me feel like I'm at work. And who actually wants to ever feel like they're at work when they're engaging in a hobby? Definitely not me.

Lastly, there's usually more stuff on my AO3 page than I have listed here, because I forget to post it pretty often. Oops. I'll get around to moving it all over one day. Probably. Maybe.

Feel free to leave an ask if you want or just drop by my DMs. <3

Artwork links are at the bottom of this list, so if you're here for those, that's where they are.

Sandman 'Verse

All the Precious and Fragile Things (so easily do they break)

After banishing his lover from the Dreaming for her betrayal, Morpheus learns that she is pregnant with his child.

And that she’s been captured by a revenge-seeking Alexander Burgess.

What the both of them are unaware of is that this will set in motion a cascade of unfavorable events, causing a chain reaction that threatens the whole of existence itself.

PART I: All of This Past

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

PART II: These Tender, Loving Mercies

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

PART III: When It All Falls Down

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

PART IV: The Dark of War

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Epilogue

Sometimes He's Sweet

Morpheus hates the holidays.

As excited as she seems to experience the mortal holiday, he's… less so. Much less so. With the entire collective unconscious contained within him, this time of year can be wholly overwhelming, a miasma of too much red and green, too much worry, too much loneliness, too much excitement, too many similarly themed dreams, too many similarly themed nightmares, and far far too many holiday songs. It all bleeds out from the collective unconscious into his own mind, sticks there like weeping sap to a tree until he feels half-mad with the unrelenting presence of it, with his inability to get free from its cloying trespass upon his very being.

This is just a little sweet fluff for the holiday season. It takes place between chapters 19 and 20 of "All the Precious and Fragile Things". No spoilers here if you've read that far!

The Dog Debacle (or how best to sneak a dragon into the dreaming)

Morpheus' daughter gets a new dog.

Well..... kind of.

That Familiar Feeling of Family (or how Hob Gadling ended up as an uncle to his stranger's oftentimes feral children)

It's a pretty universally known thing that families are just strange. As Hob is quickly figuring out, however, this little fact is magnified by AT LEAST a billion when the family in question is Endless.

(A lighthearted story in which Hob Gadling finds out his stranger has married, makes friends with a homicidal maniac/ruler, and manages to become an exemplary uncle to a pack of magically mischievous children. Really, now all he has to do is convince everyone to stop calling his and Dream's weekly meetups "playdates", and then his life would be practically perfect.)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

The Maker, the Muse, and the Sundered Song

In his temple, what remains of Orpheus waits in trepidation. Something is changing. Something that he knows might alter the very fabric of the world as he understands it.

Finally freed from captivity, Calliope struggles to make any meaningful changes to the laws that saw her bound and taken in the first place. When the strange woman appears on Mount Parnassus and offers help, Calliope knows she would be a fool not to accept it. Even if she thinks that she's being lied to.

Meanwhile in the peace of the Dreaming, Morpheus grapples with guilt over his son's fate. As he basks in the love of his new children, he can't help but to regret his own failings where Orpheus is concerned.

And as for May, she's really just got a job to do. And her own traumatic issues to deal with. And if it's all hella awkward because she's having to work alongside her husband's ex-wife, she'll see it done anyway. There's even the small possibility that she might eventually admit to Calliope the truth about her identity. That is if she can ever actually work up the courage to say it aloud.

Chapter 1

Nothing in This Closet but Boots and a Boy

Morpheus is wildly protective of his daughter.

That's probably bad for the boy in said daughter's closet.

AU's and Other Stuff in the Sandman 'Verse

Of Exes, Hellhounds, and Waffle Fries

Morpheus shows up to rescue the woman he probably loves (though he won't admit it) from hellhounds and ends up getting roped into helping with her family. This is one of those extras that doesn't fit into the main story, but it's fun, so I'm posting it.

The Bizarre Breeding Habits of Anthropomorphic Personifications

It's a tale as old as time.

Two idiots fall in love. Two idiots fall out of love.

Neither one of them is expecting a baby to come along and derail their unhappily ever after.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Original Fanart

I like to play around with different styles and to try new things with my artwork. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I'm still learning, and I am so far from being a professional that it's laughable. But I only post things that I think look decent or that I think others might enjoy.

The Lover's Argument (Morpheus x oc)

Oneiros (Morpheus in Grecian garb)

Because I could not stop for Death, she kindly stopped for me... (Regency era Dream and Death)

[ego-meliorem-esse]

dude but the whole face family is a mess of mental disorders and shit. At least if you want to nitpick. Australia and Murica are both ADHD, Canada a depressive lil shit, England is autistic and france bipolar as fuck. I'm still figuring out new Zealand so I can make bingo!

What happened to hi hello how are you 🥲

Im fucking kidding lets go

I have many thoughts on this topic. I just wanna say first that i dont really want to talk about specifically what mental disorder or whatnot each of these characters have. I have my personal hc that i keep private just cus ive strayed so far from canon or even the classic hetalia 2014 country stereotyping. They are my blorbos in the purset sense of the word. So, i feel like if i told you “yeahh murica is adhd on legs” i think it would come across as insensitive.

But on the other hand, in the past 2 years that ive been in group therapy on and off, i have come to be comfortable with talking about mental disorders and dont find it as triggering or offensive as i know some people do. Which is also very valid. People deal with things the best they can and when youre in the trenches of ocd, having a weirdo (me ✊😎) say a fictional character is going through it, it might not sit right. So i wanna keep this as non triggering as possible.

As almost everything i hc, this is something I’ve looked over. And i do agree to a point. Alfred is definitely someone who exhibits traits like excessive talking, impulsiveness, interrupting conversations, difficulty focusing at something that he finds little interest in etc etc. He is easily distracted and tends to find certain people boring. But he also does not have time management skills and he does not forget tasks and plans. Could this be adhd? Sure. Does it have to be? Of course not. So i tend to leave it up in the air. Some people might find comfort in interpreting it as adhd and some would rather stay clear. Both viewpoints equally valid.

I truly dont know about Jack or Arthur. Eleanor too. Honestly i dont really try to make up disorders for them. One thing i dislike is the labeling. If someone, even a silly character, does show traits of some disorder, id rather not have it outright mentioned. It can be cristal clear that Matt has a full on depressive episode, but let me figure that one out myself, chief. I am all in favour of making these fuckers complex and give them shit to shovel, but the moment we start throwing mental disorder labels around, i think the focus strays. But again, only my preference. To someone else, its a comfort.

However, as he is my knight of the highest order, my highest ranking babygirl, my worst punching bag: Matt is depressed as shit. He functions but, God, at what cost?

Does he have depression? Probably. Will i ever make a serious post about his depression specifically? Probably not.

Francois though. He has no disorders, no hardships or difficulties. Makes it easier for me to actively and effectively hate. We are currently negotiating a stalemate, as ive, just today, heard Sous le ciel de Paris after forgetting that song existed. Good fucking song tho. Willing to negotiate the terms of Francois’ surrender.

[sollucets]

beloveds @khaotunq, @pranink & @alexshenry tagged me to do:

every month of 2023! list your favorite/most popular gifset for each month.

i started making gifs in march this year, so january/february are off the table for this. it's funny that it hasn't even been a full year yet. it seems both somehow a lot longer and also like i remain some kind of photoshop baby at the same time. the images in this post will remain undescribed until i have some energy in my failing body, unfortunately

in any case:

march: midnight museum invades all 2 of my braincells. i download photoshop. the end is nigh

most popular: msp/eclipse pool parallel set

favorite: the bams i made for sof

(notes: it's hard to look back at these lmao. what is coloring and why don't i know her. why is everything so dark. who told me to use noise dithering and why did i ever think that was a good idea. anyway)

april: the eighth sense is airing! i meet many mutuals and friends. i figure out about the curves tool (thank god)

most popular: taehyung getting dunked on

(very deserved dunk; very bad set. the coloring of this scene was extremely questionable and i did nothing to fix it it looks so dull and gray. augh)

favorite: feet lining up / jihyun & jaewon on the beach

i really like this coloring actually. it's bright enough to actually see them, their skin doesn't look as weird, and i like the soft pink i made the beach. a win for baby photoshop user rowan

may: the purple is in full swing now

most popular: purple yok

first set to cross 1k! the purple is still very good but in hindsight there are things i now know i couldve done to help his skin. in any case. a banger. beloved

favorite: pink our skyy 2 hands set

[through tears] you're my space. also my first try at typography

june: i lose the will to gif some in the back half of this month, but i also learn to do a Lot of new things, like gradient maps & more complicated typography and transitions and such

most popular: puzzle piece hugs!

deserved! hard to gif and fun to look at

favorite: i think it might be the heartliming i made for vi now! but i still like khathadome from eden too.

july: i try giffing a few different shows. the only friends trailer comes out on the last day and i enter some kind of terrifying fugue state

most popular: sand and ray fighting / crying in the ofts trailer

do you guys remember the trailer 1080p? life was so good

favorite: nobody appreciates my ride enough

august: only friends airs, eclipse anniversary is concurrent, i lose my mind. i also learn to use the method of brightening that i still use & several other fundamental gif tricks

most popular: sandray car makeout

good for them! i start using significant grain on my ofts gifs from here on out and can never decide how i feel about that

favorite: orange/blue eclipse episode seven set

september: the madness continues

most popular: sand cooking for ray / special

ive giffed this scene three times and this is my least favorite coloring but what can you do. this is my third post to cross 1k

favorite: new rules set! i had mixed feelings when i posted it but it's really grown on me.

october: the madness is so much worse. only friends ends and i am left near-catatonic immediately, apparently. also, i learn to blend and use overlays and some other cool things. i join userdramas :'>

most popular: raysand afterglow. as it should be. cheek kissie

favorite: space girl!! show me the stars!!!

loved making this. purple and sparkly and gay. still super proud. that said other runner-up favorites in october are ray's o-face & the boyfriend shirt & akkaye's thumb thing collection

november: i am left cavernously empty after ofts ends and i fill the void with namtan

most popular: last twilight episode one porjai

she <3

favorite: gaipa userdramas set

again, i learned to use musescore for this set just so i could have those pretty notes. :')

december: i am punched in the face by seasonal depression. all is not well. i made just one gifset this month, but at least it was good? :')

and here we are today !! it was very fun to look over everything; thanks so much for playing and have a happy new year everyone

[theeio]

HIHI I AM ANON WHO SENT you that ask and oh my gosh like ur art is just. it's so good. it's so good. my friend and i were having a conversation about fanarts that just live in our minds rent-free but i didn't know how i was supposed to tell her that just your art style alone has me screaming kicking hurling and so i was like can we change the question to fanartist and just your blog and the posts that made me AUUHCSSUEUEUEUGH and of course this isn't to put more pressure on you at all omg!! your art is incredible regardless of the fandom or what is portrayed or whatever like it's so incredible because you made it like woah human creation moment?? anyways i hope you are in very good health!!! i think about douxie depression art and your analysis on how good toa handles writing/portraying emotions and that one about hero with many faces or something anyways yeah that. ohuagh. and the jlaire but also hammerhunter involved and the Heavy metal >:[) thing with toby andjust i yeah that OAAUEUGH oh so good SO GOOD like if i got a found family i would prob want it to feel like how ur art makes me feel. like. ur art makes me feel. that is so freaking cool. such a big fan of when that happens. you should be insanely proud of yourself RAHHH!! sending all of the love your way and just yeah AAUUEUEUEGH I LOVE YOUR OCs TOO ARE YOU SERIOUS THEY'RE SO THEY'RE SO AUAUAUGHE???? like alejandro DUDE. NOT ONLy. IS THAT SICK CONCEPT (get it sick like Woah Cool but also like healer >:[)) but also just the art OEUEGH it captures that dilemma SO SO GOOD AND I LOVE THE OTHER CHARACTERS THEY ARE SO EASY ON THE EYE AND ALSO VERY COOL AND I LOVE RHEA RIPLEY AND

this was insanely long but there is just so much to say abt you as a person and as an artist. ur absolutely killing it.!!! i hope life is kind to you and this year is as well :D take care!!

HI ANON!!! AAAH thank you so much again for your very kind words omg T-T yall toa fans are really the sweetest im so grateful for you!!

i'm so glad that the ToA posts ive made over the years have really resonated with you!!! i feel like its only a few years later that i could really talk about ToA, maybe ive just been able to articulate things better which has been nice ;v;

the ToA community is just so cool bc we just run off with each others HCs and create even more art that just becomes A Thing in the fandom, like Charlie Saxton and other crew members retweeting someones cosplay of Punk!Toby! it's all just so incredibly fun and over the years im so grateful for how receptive and kind this fandom has been to me, it was the most confident in art ive ever felt because of how generous everybody is with their love and appreciation of each others works. i think its why this fandom is still really vibrant even after the series finished ..... four years ago omg. while im not as invested in the fandom anymore, i just wanna say that yall r doing good and i hope yall keep this giving spirit up <3!! its a rare and precious thing <3

and thank you SO MUCH for the OC love!! ive been thinking about that story, Hellfire a lot again and GUHHH i have so many feelings about it.

i have so many doubts about it, but a part deep down of me know it comes from my soul and it makes me know its why i have to go through with it all the more. i will make sure to finish it and tell this story, somehow.

my doubts aside, i've been growing to love the characters ive been creating more and more. every time i talk about Hellfire with someone, the story is told so differently depending on which character i introduce first. it is so, so fascinating, and I really think I have something going good with what i made. but because all these characters and their stories are a part of a huge puzzle and are so interwoven, it is IMPOSSIBLE to untangle and so difficult to communicate my ideas HAHA

but i will figure it out somehow!!! one day!!! in the meantime feel free to check out my tag for Hellfire here, and i'm always open to asks if anyone is curious about them!!

again, ty so much for the love!!! i hope u have been well and have a lovely day <3333

[scaredgirlsilly]

sad rant about an album i really like below the cut

butterflies drink turtle tears by human people is a deeply sad album, or it is to me at least. multiple songs have repeating choruses that amount to "please kill me", the whole album is kinda just a girl wailing about how all she does is get high and wish she was dead, even the instrumental parts of the songs drive home this feeling of just. feeling like absolute shit. its the type of sadness that makes you wail at 3 am that everything is awful and will never get better and it would just be great if a plane crashed into your house, but then you fall asleep and carry on to do the same thing and not change anything.

there is a reason why i like this album so much

this album has been with me through truly my lowest points in my life. i have played this album from the moment i woke up some days, desperately hoping that everything would just. stop. that being a functional person and just life in general is just too hard, and it would be better for everyone involved if i just died.

this album does not end with a happy message about how these feelings are wrong. it doesnt say anything about these feelings. it doesnt have a hopeful message at the end about how life gets better. it just lets them out. like bloodletting. just throwing these awful feelings into the void. maybe someone will connect with these feelings, the album seems to say, but it doesnt really matter cause i still feel like shit. it is an album that explores these feelings of depression and isolation from someone who has not figured it out. that connected with me (i wonder why)

just today i went to go look for the lyrics so i could sing along. i just looked up the album title and nothing else cause ive always read it as nonsense. just a jumble of words to go along with an album that is just a jumble of feelings. its kinda charming honestly.

then i saw this

and i immediately started crying

butterflies literally do drink turtle tears

im not sure why it hit me so much, but the idea that the name isnt just random words really affected me

i immediately told my dad, then my friend, then changed my discord status, and now im making this post

it feels... odd. almost out of place with what i imagined this album was as a piece of art. so many things clicked into place, or at least it felt like it. thinking about it now still makes me tear up

just. the idea that this album, pretty much 30 minutes of uninterrupted suicidal ideation and depression and isolation, an album that i have listened to on some of the worst days of my entire life, an album i relate to a scary amount. the idea that its named something so... hopeful. almost to say,

"we are here for you. people are here for you. you are not alone. if even a turtle has someone to wipe their tears away, then so do you.

and if you dont, let this album be that for you. let this be the butterflies that drink your tears when no one else will"

it really made me think about the album in a totally different light. go listen to it. its really good

[gooogigi]

may twenty second, two thousand and four

Under the Skin (dir. Johnathan Glazer, D.P. Daniel Landin), 2013

my brain is incapable of many processes. one of which being an ability to share emotions as i feel them. was recently informed by my coworker that this might mean i have a "disorganized" attachement style? to me, it just seems like i learned to move through the world by means of suppression, otherwise known as being an adult.

regardless of my emotional aptitude, i seem to be reaching a simmering point. Not destructive boiling, but my pysche blows steams and softly bubbles, with no real end to the slow accumulation of psyichic heat in sight.

in short, im fucking depressed. not as a feeling but as a state. it's a state ive lived with for a while. I thought it was normal to not want to get up in the morning. i think it is, only for things you don't want to do, not an every day thing. my mind, afraid of what stopping might mean, runs a self-fueling engine of thought and emotional viscera. it is so hard to sleep, and it has been hard for years. my mother, god bless her, haunted by the same phantom-psyche that follows her every waking moment.

im returning to this site for a couple for reasons: one, the nostalgia of sharing with the world in this way, anonymous yet unflinching. without a care of what will happen to these thoughts once i post. it is also an exercise in attempting to put words to feelings as they appear. lastly, this site is pretty dead. My friends never use this. I'm journaling in an internet graveyard, and it feels nice to be back here. to remember the person i was when i was figuring myslef out at 16.

i am sorry to report that, at 28, i am still figuring myself out. i fear i never will. i guess i should explore what figuring myself out means. at times i think i'm engaging in a form of self-stockholm: holding myself hostage to ideas of what life should look like, and falling in love with the fallacy of fulfilling this prophecy. i met adam at my orgy situation, and he said he was a porn producer. he pays his own rent (allegedly) to live in the same neighborhood i was graced by the city of new york to be able to afford. what's stopping me from directing some porn, and maybe doing the same? It's obvious the film and art world do not view me seriously, and would rather wait until i'm one foot in the grave until any contribution is taken seriously. and it's not that i feel as if ive made any major contribution to the aforementioned fields, but just that the side glances, the uninterested smiles, the "yeah lets meet sometimes", the "we're sorry to inform you's" they each hurt a little, and in this short life i have accumulated so much rejection it should be astounding i've found a way to give my life any meaning at all.

so how does my life have any meaning, and in turn, have any reason worth living? well, for starters, the yes's ive received, have been enough, i guess. In the past four years ive lived astounding emotional lows, almost at post-australia levels. i have been able toi come up for air because of the forces outside of myself that make life better, nto worse: i got an apartment i can afford in a nice neighborhood, i have a residency, I have an exhibition here and there, i have a job. i don't have friends in my vicinity, and at times ostracize myself form them, but the times i do manage to be with other people has been nice. but in recent moments these yeses have exhibited precarity: theres ways for my building to remove my stabilized rate, my job has had a slow season and it's clear i am first on the chopping block, i have a studio im too tired to use, and no opportunities to at least force me to work.

also, i miss my emotionally irregulated ex. more on this later im sure.

I could probably live better if i just let go of any idea of what i thought life would be, but my idea of what life could be is what saved me the first time. but i think im running myself into the ground trying to be someone i cant. I can only do the best with the life that has been presented to me. i cant tell if this makes life more or less worth living.

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

i don't know what the fuck just happened

i somehow managed to fuck up SO's birthday and feel awful. ive gotta make a big drive tomorrow night and have to fuck up my sleep schedule on purpose and with how emotionally exhausting this whole day was it's that much more difficult.

i legit started rambling, feeling very 'i'm a piece of shit, what do you want..let's make jokes about how fucked up i am while i detach emotionally when you have a breakdown' like roman fucking roy and then i even said 'i'm roman fucking roy, i don't know what you want from me'.

here's what i think happened: nutshell version because being vague is safer and i'm also tired.

SO has been depressed. i can't do shit about it. i have a bad habit when i'm overwhelmed with my own shit to be like 'let's try to just be super happy and pretend his breakdown isn't happening because i can't handle men crying on the floor because i'm used to men getting angry, yelling or worse...hitting me.' so i avoid. it's a symptom of complex PTSD apparently and also i think ptsd doesn't accurately describe what i have anymore because nothing is 'post'. this shit is happening right now and im constantly triggered because i figured out i'm still being abused and emotionally manipulated by my parents as an adult and i don't know wtf to do about it. i think im going to need therapy again. SO says he thinks he wants to go see one again too.

there's nothing wrong with our relationship. it's individually, we're both fucked up. it doesn't help i have this 'not really, but kind of' a side thing but it's not affecting things here. (im still a piece of shit because if anything its kind of an emotional affair...i dont know...feelings are fine...if i act on them then that's different...this is an old flame too and we're close, always have been...it's just an intense friendship bordering upon dangerous with flirtations but THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE)

'you never shut up' SO said to me out of anger. broke down after he said it even though i agreed even though it stung. i told him don't worry about it. it was true. i need to to not put all my shit on him. that's why i suggested therapy again.

i explained that i don't feel mad or upset by anything that happened tonight..just feel bad because yes he called me out on being emotionally detached and i have been lately because im a fucking mess. i also tend to run from everything so i even told him fuck it, we can move back because it's fine me being a mess but since he's the breadwinner, when he falls apart it's bad for both of us. i'm already on benefits because of epilepsy that's intractible. nothing I can do about that. but he needs to be ok.

he keeps looking at me like i'm nuts but dude, i've been running my whole life. i wanted to settle and stay here forever and i love this place more than any place i have ever lived but look i'm still sick here and i got issues popping up like god hates me.

i'm not even roman roy. i think because i detached instead of wearing it on my face or crying like kendall. maybe i'm a mix of both. i dunno. that show speaks to me on so many levels. i rewatched Hannibal too and i'm just like wtf. then i picked my favorite mommy issues movies to put on.

here's what i know happened: two people who love each other very much aren't doing well mentally but their relationship isn't what's making the other fucked up. it's everything else they have never dealt with making them individually fucked up and tonight it blew up. bad timing. neither of us could help each other. he got rightfully pissed. i am not upset he got pissed and the one thing he said out of anger was a very true fucking statement that put a big mirror in front of my face.

i realized too that i cannot handle a man having a breakdown. he asked why i always just walk away from him when hes like that? well because i don't know what to do with it and also what if it turns into something else and the man is going nuts on me or taking it out on me? i don't know. i'm very fucked up.

i hate victim mentality bullshit. i try not to put stuff on anyone. so i sweep it away like it's not fucking happening and i got called out on that. i don't know how to be there for him. i can't help it i have ingrained weird ideas. i try just not to be a cunt ok? and i don't know maybe i was one tonight? i don't even know. i apologized for getting loud when i did because i had my earplugs in so didn't realize how loud i was and i also hadn't eaten all day and it was making me hangry so my brain couldn't even process anything until after i ate.

a man shaking and crying on the floor because of me? (or what i perceived as being about me?) all i thought was get away from him because you're hurting him and nothing you do is going to make it better...and then it was like i felt like my mom. that's what she did. no comfort for the crying ones...just walk away until it's over. but i'm not his mommy. i'm his SO. he even said 'i don't want you to baby me or anything, just a little comfort would be nice.' he's right. but again, why are you crying in the first place? i'm selfish so i'm thinking 'wtf i'm a mess...now i have to wonder why you're a mess...wtf' and jfc no....i don't know what the fuck happened.

we need to both get some help with our issues somehow or we're not going to make it if repeats like this keep happening. i can't even call it a fight. it was more just a collective breakdown. he went to bed red eyed and mumbling. i'm up exhausted but numb af.

fucking a.

it's good i'll be gone for a day. give us both some time away just to think. well, he'll be able to anyway, ill be cramped in a car with 7 other people for 18 hours. not that i'm complaining. i've gotta do this to help out with bills and plus now i've got an obligation because my mother keeps putting shit on me and didn't even give me a chance to say no and if i don't make this trip a lot of people are out of money so im basically unable to back out even if wanted to. fuck it. i think i'll finally be able to chill next year. i'm going to make myself anyway. get through holidays. have a good time on our concert trip in january. hopefully by them my SO and i are in better places mentally too.

one hour at a time.

[horsesarecreatures]

Went to see Amba again. She is doing ok. Her kidney enzymes came back fine, so she was started on the oxytetracycline yesterday. She did have diahhrea, though. She also had no hay so I asked for a hay net to be put up, and sent an email in the evening asking if she could please have free choice hay like at home. 

Unfortunately, she cannot be turned out with the catheter right now. With her spooking at everything and looking like she was thinking about trying to hop the fence of the outdoor arena the other day, there’s just too high a risk that it can get ripped out. I’m hoping this will change if the antibiotics kick in and the spooking decreases. She’s been stalled at night before, but never 24/7, minus 2 days last year when the pastures were covered in black ice. And she didn't really take it well; she started violently head tossing when I let her run around in the indoor. Today she was good, but she’s lethargic.

I was going to go to tractor supply to buy her some stall toys (because I foolishly gave away the ones I had bought for Cannoli), but luckily they already had some and put them up. I’m curious to see if she will play them, because she’s never been particularly playful, which is quite possibly a symptom of the lyme.

There is a little indoor arena, so when I see her I groom her then walk her around in there for an hour. I feel really bad for her because there’s only 1 other horse there and she can’t see him even though he’s stalled next to her. 

I am aiming to have her stay a month, provided she doesn't react too badly to the meds. 

I need to figure out my game plan for boosting her immune system. I will reach out to that lady from the video I posted yesterday to see if she can recommend more specific herbals. The vets here aren’t against herbals by any means, but they also aren't holistic specialists so they didn’t really recommend anything targeted. I absolutely plan on keeping her on probiotics and colostrum supplements permanently at this point. But I also just want to make sure the ones I’m using, probiotic wise and immubiome, have a long shelf life and can withstand the stomach acid. In the human world so many supplements are scams since they’re unregulated, and I’m sure the situation is even worse with animals.

Maybe I should add vitamin e as well? Both she and Cannoli had levels that were fine when I tested them, though. But I know it protects neurons. If the vets think it may help I will add it. It doesn’t wind up in urine like vitamin c so maybe extra will help. 

I was looking into her diet as well, but don’t necessarily think there’s anything that should be changed. She gets 1 scoop of Sunshine Plus ration balancer, 2 scoops of alfalfa pellets, 1 scoop of probiotic wise, and one scoop of immubiome am and pm. Technically, the sunshine plus is not the absolute best since it does contain molasses, but it does have yeast culture as the 4th ingredient, and also has MosPlus probiotics and bioavailable vitamin e & se. So while it wouldn't be great for a laminitic horse, for Amba with a weak immune system and microbiome that’s probably destroyed at this point, I feel like it’s a good choice. The other ration balancers that I’m aware of either don't have probiotics, or don't have them as high on the ingredient list. 

I’m feeling quite depressed over this situation. But it’s a different type of depression and feeling overwhelmed lately that is not my typical seasonal, holiday, or grief-related variety. It is more a feeling of, “everything feels like BS so what is the point?” It just seems like such astronomical bad luck to have to send 2 horses to a clinic for nuero issues just a few months apart. Only 2 horses in 2014 had EDM like Cannoli. And while many more have lyme, most don’t have to get IV oxytetracycline. And there’s other things going on, too. Like my boss of many years got fired by the historical society. I wrote a post on Facebook about it and over 100 people bombarded the historical society and town board with emails supporting him in response, but they still haven't hired him back, or even bothered to find a replacement for him. So there will no longer be a farm. 

[cody-apexart]

Day 12

This is honestly more or less a shitting on apex post. I apologies, but srsly. My time in Saigon has been so enjoyable, I really love this city and most of the experiences I have had, but the organization and communication style implemented by apex is making this less fun! Im in a bad mood, and had a bad day. Here’s the play by play:

I feel like the zoom mediation class today really set my day up for failure. Ive been practicing mediation on and off for over half my life— at this point Im pretty particular about what I like, and have tried out a lot of different styles to figure out what I enjoy and what works for me. This zoom meditation class lead by some man in southern California really was more of an hour long lecture of this dude talking about how he used to be depressed but now he isnt, and maybe 15 min of mediation max. I was all about work, like work like jobs, like capitalist meditation. When he said the phrase “hiring managers read your energy body” I knew I had heard enough. Which was kinda for the best, because I started looking at my email and noticed two had just come in from apex! One contained information that said the pottery class on my sched started at 9am not 10am. I had been preped to get there at 10, and at the time I was reading that email, it was already after 9am. I called the studio and they said I could still attend, though I did miss an hour of workshop time. Also, once I got there they said the ceramics wont be ready for 2 weeks. In 2 weeks I wont be here anymore. Why wouldn’t yall schedule this class earlier in my schedule? Also it was noted in my sched that the class would cost 40000 VND, but it was really 400000 VND. I also got an email from apex that I was RSVPd for a tech company business mixer. I hadn’t noticed it on my schedule because it was set for the wrong time, the event was probably entered in EST, so it was coming up on friday instead of thursday and was kinda hidden by the other long event on my friday sched. This email was my first time hearing about it, and since I was already reeling from the meditation class and time change to pottery I was like wtfffff.

Like what type of weird ass shit is that? Send someone with no tech experience to an even that is intended for people working in tech and living in Vietnam? Its just like why send me to crash their party? I don’t really understand, there are so many other places I could talk to strangers without being so out of place, like out of place in a way that kinda feels disrespectful and disruptive to the event. I dont mind being out of place or having to talk to stagers, but it just feels rude to show up to an event I rly have no business being at. Since the story slam, anything that comes off eventbrite I am very skeptical of.

Idk why nearly everything on the schedule feels like its made out to be a riddle. The times are wrong, the addresses are wrong. I can never just do what the calendar says and expect it to work out seamlessly. I feel like I spend so much troubleshooting shit that should already be taken care of.

Also I still havnt been reimbursed for this plane ticket?! Even though I sent the necessary info twice, and it says in a number of places that I can request reimbursement whenever id like. Similarly, the agreement I signed notes 45 days will be given in advance to get a visa if necessary, I was given 6 six businesses days notice. Like all of this is just causes what feels like /unnecessary/ stress, unless that feeling is all part of the program too? Im trying to just learn a lesson in loosing control.

Anyway, I went a little rouge today and didnt go to capoeira. I was emotionally exhausted, and my ankle is a little weird and clicky from walking so much. This is the first activity ive skipped-- I probably wouldnt have skipped it if I didnt already do the class last week, but knowing how intense it was, and how bad I felt, it was the right decision for me today. I cant wait for this upcoming day off. Two weeks non-stop is starting to get to me.

I went to a later screening of the movie since my evening was free, and wow, another movie centered around a traumatic pregnancy experience. The main character miscarried during a robbery at 6 months. I watched the trailer this time to avoid this type of thing, but it didnt reveal that plot point. actually the whole movie was actually about really toxic abusive relationships, but the trailer made it seem like a comedy. Anyway this was less fucked up than the abortion horror movie, but still fucked up. okay, but also the main character did ceramics, and i did a ceramics class this morning...was that planned? how curated are these days? I think this trip is the only time I have ever been in a movie theater without a friend or companion. Watching movies alone is totally new for me, just like how ive literally never used a pottery wheel before today. Also mark making scares me so painting the ceramic bowl I made was notably difficult for me. I am incredibly grateful for these experiences despite everything i just vented about.

[catnpc]

im curious what it was that made u change ur mind on dan btw? it seems like u used to be a fan. ive never been in that circle so i know nothing but im wondering what bullshit he pulled for u to go "actually 🤨" . rightfully so anyway hes deeply deeply annoying AT BEST

not only was i a fan i literally had multiple items of clothing that dan howell wore specifically because he wore them. what i could afford as a 16/17 year old anyway. i also went to his and phil’s first tour and met them both. dan howell specifically influenced so many parts of my adolescent personality—and probably still does in some ways 😓—that it’s hard to describe.

mostly i just kinda grew out of them when i went to college, and as a young gay boy i kind of figured they were gay and felt personally let down that they were so willing to play it up for views yet not commit to it ever. there was just a lot of disappointment + growing up that led me to lose interest, and at that time i didn’t have the strong hate and resentment i do now.

in terms of when that particular feeling began, i’d say it was around the time that dan came back from not posting or doing much of anything for 2 years with a coming out video, self-help book, collaboration with youtube themselves, and then a hour-or-so long pity documentary wherein he described how youtube had fucked him, a millionaire, over so much.

i think i was just old enough to recognize the entitlement, narcissism, and deeply warped grotesque view of the world dan howell engaged and encouraged. like, he wrote a self-help book after disappearing for 2 years because of depression. he is so shallowly political, steadfastly unaware of his privileged position in the world, and unbothered by manipulation that seeing or hearing about him makes me feel unsettled in a deeply sad, sick way.

he’s a guy who started dating a 23 year old at 18 and got famous too soon. hes addicted to the attention. and he won’t FUCKING stop using the q slur. basically i realized all of this when he returned to the internet and couldn’t fucking stomach him anymore, and that was that

[ignitification]

Colour Analysis III: (LoV Series II) - Dabi

Yes, no - you don't have any hallucination. It's here. It is. And yes, it took an absurdly long time to, but it's here so mh, yeah - enjoy.

I suddenly remembered that an ask, long ago, asked me about the design pattern evident for Dabi. It's here in case you want to have a look at it.

As I stated there, Dabi is a living contradiction, especially in terms of colour theory.

His colour pattern is a chameleon of sorts: he both represents light and dark at the same time, as if he cannot decide which one to stick with. I think that this duality has all to do with his genealogy. Inheriting his mother constitution and his father's Quirk amplified, Dabi goes through an adaptation process, manifesting especially by the change in his hair's colour (same as Tomura, that is - you can find the link for his analysis at the bottom of the post). The dyeing hair is also part of the process, but this time it comes about with a voluntary part, which brings us to the point that even if not entirely, Dabi's personality is build around a feeling and a character, which he wants to express and contrast at the same time. This is why, as I already specified the most important colour when it comes to Dabi are Blue, Purple and White (with a sprinkle of Red).

I.) Royal Blue

More than any other colour, Blue is what fits Dabi the most. His eyes are blue, his fire is blue and his clothes are blue (different variation, but you get the gist).

Blue usually stands for coolness, loyalty, intelligence and responsibility. But pushing this aside for a minute, blue has a distinct effect on the human body: it lowers the heart rate and the body temperature and has a calming effect. It's a constant colour which represents the tide of waves and the never-ending blue of the sky. In respect to Dabi, it can be seen how this hardly applies - but, at the same time it does. As Dabi inherits Rei's constitution and her resistance to the cold - but his father's 'fiery' personality, his fire manifests as both. It creates a friction, until the burns on his body become an evident purple. This characteristic has a distinct connection to Red (section IV) - however, the leitmotiv is that Dabi's body is used to the effects that blue should have on him, and instead of seeing it realise they are brought down and counter-affected by Red (which is a metaphor for his entire persona).

Blue has the feature of being ever-changing, which, as you'll have understood by now, is one of many contrasts in Dabi's appearance. He indeed goes through an exterior change - but as blue, he remains steady on a path (which is revenge, and will to actually prove to Endeavour that he is not a mistake), making his character consistent with his ideas throughout the arcs and steady.

An overuse of blue is cold and impersonal - indicating the presence of deep dark secrets and having a  connection with feelings of sadness and depression. It creates the pictures of someone hiding in the dark just not to reveal their secrets, and for a long time we see Dabi trying to keep a low profile and then approach with an attitude of uncaring and cold indifference. He has burned his eye glands, which should allow him to express this feelings - but they are expressed, on the contrary, in the strength of his fire, and causes old feeling to settle and burn their way through his persona.

Blue is a susceptible colour and it hurts deeply - because in the first place, people associated with blue tend to feel too deeply. This fits the pattern of Dabi's fire being conditioned by his emotions, and why likely it creates deep wounds on his body: as a remainder that his feelings, expressed through the fire are way too intense and affect Dabi deeply. Deep enough for him to survive an astonishing fire and to hide for years in wait of having the right opportunity, the perfect opportunity to actually redirect this feeling onto the subject which caused them. As the constant colour that it is, indeed, blue (and Dabi) lives in the past.

Light blue is associated with healing, understanding and softness (his eyes), while darker hues are instead expression of power and knowledge (clothes - as a reminder of adulthood).

Finally, back on the literal meaning of blue: blue is a giver in the relationships that matter, but at the same time this colour can be unfaithful and deceiving (and we saw this in his interactions with the League at first and with Hawks, too). It is associated with intelligence and and consciousness (and indeed, the one who sort of had the reigns of the Training Camp was Dabi, and furthermore he is the only one who Ujiko retained mature enough to control a High End). This encompasses his characteristics of being reliable and responsible - and of course, Dabi embodies the whole spectrum.

Also on a final, funnily enough note, blue is usually associated with voice communication and someone who needs order, and strives for perfection as well as tending to be the one to speak in public. It's idealistic and expresses a will to satisfy its higher needs - and by doing that it expresses devotion in these ideals. So if you think about how Dabi's character is focused on reforming society, and giving Stain's will freedom and realisation, Dabi comes full circle - with a devotion which makes him focused on his goals (Stain's will, reformation of society and the Endeavour' downfall) , the commitment to actual plan their perfect realisation, and the ability to achieve it through the right means (The Broadcast).

II.) Pure White

White. Integrity, purity, innocence. Mourning, for some cultures. In particular in Japan, it is used as a colour meaning death, and is used in funerals. Same as for Tomura, Dabi uses both White and Black to somehow mourn himself and his loss (Tenko for his family, Touya for the himself he leaves behind) and especially in his adulthood, the concealing of such a colour through pitch black, is not only an effort to hide his identity but also to express a refusal to be the same person. White represents a new beginning, a blank slate. And if we consider these two to be somehow related (because death is seen as not the end, but instead a new beginning) it is clear how this colour, has a relevance to this character. After Touya's death, and his white hair hidden - he becomes Dabi, who has no time to still appeal to the childish feeling of wanting to impress his father and instead throws himself onto a new chapter of his life, because the past he will always remember, has been burned.

Same as blue, white brings serenity and peace - and at the same time it represents coldness and emptiness. I think this somehow emphasises the change in colour from red to white, and the loss of believing in strength (read: Endeavour) instead leaving an empty space in his heart, filled with emotions which he cannot control. The loss of innocence and the acquisition of the fact that Touya will never be what his father wanted him to, and the acceptance of such a thing - further brings out the meaning of the colour blue. (As already stated before, white, in Dabi's case is of enormous relevance - because it amplifies its relation to blue.)

Finally, white brings forward independence and freedom - and it stands for perfection. And I think it's really ironic how white, is not only the colour he inherited from Rei - a cold stark white - but at the same time, Endeavour has tossed him aside for the same reason, and that is because in his eyes he could not be more 'wrong'. But when his hair settles into his ultimate colour of white, Touya also breaks free from his father's expectation (but does he, really?) to start instead a new chapter as Dabi. Hiding the mistake he thinks he is, an instead embraces the personality that has been thrown onto him.

White is also the symbol of truth - which is tied to the revelation that Dabi is Touya Todoroki, and his dyed black hair becomes white, again (revealing the truth of his persona).

II.I) Pitch Black

Just to be as precise as possible, I'm adding a tiny section on black, which can be summarised in two sentences: black is associated with mystery, sophistication, power and authority. It brings forward the symbol of darkness, rebellion and ultimately it stands as a synonym of death. It's a colour which, when considered in respect to white, stands for the struggle between right and wrong - good and evil. Dabi presents himself as someone mysterious, and he does not reveal his name until far down the line. But he is still a representation of power, in terms of quirk and his position both inside the LoV and the PFL. Furthermore, him covering up his hair colour with black, as already said, has to do with wanting to appear a villain more than it has to do with his identity. He wants to fade into background for a while, and then come from the darkness to sweep everyone away - covering himself in black so it sends a clear message to everyone looking at him: that he is dangerous, and that there is no escape from his evil.

III.) Daunting Purple

Now, this is a controversial section. When I first thought of Dabi, I associated him with blue more than anything else, because after all, even if purple is an ever-present colour, it is just a reminder of how dangerous his quirk is, and how his body does not fare well in the friction of his firepower and his constitution. However, I think it is still important to put things into perspective when it comes to Dabi.

It is not a surprise, that Purple comes about as a combination of Red and Blue. The eternal struggle - which comes forth into the most detrimental way possible, for him. The shade of this colour has different meanings (not surprisingly) but, as far as I am concerned, Dabi's is a 'darker purple' (which is the one we have figured in the pictures) and fulfils its duty to evoke sadness and gloom. This is just a constant reminder of his story, and also the why Dabi is not very big on concealing the scars: because he thinks of them as a fair punishment, and that they remind him constantly of what and when exactly things did go wrong. Purple is also a colour associated with royalty and people with authority. On this meaning, there might a controversial stake, because it would actually give a relevance (or positive connotation) to the colour, however, as already stated before - I think that the scars are not only a reminder for himself, but same as the conscious choice of wearing black, Dabi makes a conscious choice to reveal his burn marks and to stitch his skin with evident metal piercings. He is putting them in evidence for a reason, and I'd guess this is the same reason for why he sticks on wearing dark colours, and to due his hair black: Dabi's objective is to appear as a heartless villain, and usually the image of somehow badly injured and wearing dark clothes, as sad as this might be, projects the image of exactly someone you'd like to avoid on the street.

Purple is also the colour of 'Fall', with its fading light. I found this particularly poetic when it comes to Dabi, as Fall might as well be the eternal representation of his character, and the fact that instead Dabi's fire just grown bigger and bigger, hurting him even more in the process - is the total contrary of fading light. But on the other hand, the light of his own personality, and those emotions he keeps tucked away just tend to be fade, dwindle at every sign of possible emotional connection.

Purple promotes the balance between mind and emotions - between the spiritual and the physical world. The balance between Red (emotions) and Blue (mind), and to which Dabi is not accustomed, yet. Finally, purple - among others - is also a mourning colour (reminder that both White and Black are also mourning colours). And it also inspires mystery, which again the image Dabi likes to project about himself onto others.

IV.) Flourishing Red

Red is Dabi's curse and representation. The contrast to white, and also the exacerbation of Blue. Red is the colour that gets the blood going (or rather, in this case, 'The one that turns up the heat' and which contrasts the calming effects of Blue) and the one who expresses passion and strength (which is why Endeavour's personality colour is Red - it's not a case that Red is associated with violence, anger, blood, obsession of power and strength, danger and fiery passion).

Red is the colour which Touya denies, and that instead comes back to bite him back. Red is energising and full of spirit and passion - and the image of a young Touya, striving to get better and make his father proud comes to mind. It's prideful and full of power - the will of a child, and his enormous Quirk-power struggling to keep it in check. This is why, Red after a while fades to Blue - and burns even more than it used to. Passion felt too deep, the exploitation of power which brings destruction. An all clear sentence to actually see why Dabi ends up with denying the all-too-overwhelming presence of Red and its characteristics, opting instead for a more suited to him Blue, which is also highly contrasting to the pure anger and passion associated to Red. The fact that Touya's hair changes, is an indicator of how he negates his father's influence, but still insists on hanging on those feelings, because he cannot let go of them. A walking oxymoron.

Thank for staying all the way, and for reading.

P.S. The colour analysis featuring Izuku and Shigaraki are respectively linked.

[bunnygirlheart]

post fulla questions i was tagged to answer by @bunnygirlbutta

What was your last…

Beverage: my black coffee that i let get cold :( i still drank it though

Phone call: not a clue. ive never liked phone calls,,

Text message: ‘‘...you know all about knot tying, huh? Glad to hear it‘‘

Song you listened to: soles - love will have its sacrifices (i was thinkin abt carmilla series)

Time you cried: if tearing up just a lil bit counts . it was around 5am and i was thinking about an incredible compliment i received from someone i love. if not then idk when it was, though i know what that one was about too.

Have you ever…

Dated someone twice? nope.

Kissed someone and regretted it? nope.

Lost someone special? hard to say.

Been depressed? and the scars to prove it,,,

Been drunk and threw up? no.

In the last year, have you…

…made a new friend? several i love yall 💜

…fallen out of love? nope

…laughed until you cried? i . dont think so?

…found out who your true friends are? dont know what this means

…found out someone was talking about you? no

General

How many people on your fb list do you know in real life? i am not on fb and would destroy their data centers given the easy opportunity

List 3 of your favourite colours: Purple!!! pink? green.

What was your first…

…surgery? n/a

…piercing? n/a (thatd be neat though)

…best friend? idk ?

…sport you joined? not a clue. i have never been into sports. dont remember the last time i touched anything of the sort

…vacation? hm. good question. i dont know that either

…pair of trainers? weird question and i don’t know it.

Right now, what are you…

…eating? nothin

…drinking? ^

…about to do? think abt kissing girls. ok no im doing that right now. so . maybe play terraria some more?

Your future

Do you want kids? makes me feel good to think about myself being a mother at some point in the future, but whether I actually would wanna have children ... idk. im only 23 though so like ....

Do you want to get married? if someone i love wants to marry me, I . huh. i was gonna say I wouldn’t be against it, but then it occurred to me, what if multiple people wanted to be married to me? i think thats not how it works? so . no i guess, on grounds of i dont wanna leave anyone out.

Ideal career? ... i have no clue what im doin yall

Which do you think is better…

…lips or eyes? well, vanya’s gotten me all caught up in kisses lately, so probably lips. eyes are lovely too though so idk really

…hugs or kisses? ^ that answers this well enough, but hugs are nice as well, so its hard to say for both of these.

…shorter or taller? yes? sounds good. real answer is i do not know. if youre notably taller or shorter than 6 ft pls come here so I can figure that out

…older or younger? too big of an age difference is weird,, anyway id say i dont care but i suppose .. the two people im most into right now are both a lil bit older than me so . maybe that says something. dont think so though

…romantic or spontaneous? im inexperienced in romance so i cant really say

…nice stomach or nice arms? hmmm well im a big fan of a good tummy c:

…sensitive or loud? idk what this means really

…hook up or relationship? relationship

…trouble maker or hesitant? i would like to cause more problems on purpose but i am v nervous always

Have you ever…

…kissed a stranger? no

…drank hard liquor? yes

…lost glasses/contacts? probably

…had sex on the first date? no

…broken someone’s heart? yes

…been arrested? no

…turned someone down? uuuhhh. maybe?

…cried when someone died? no

Do you believe in…

…yourself? trying to!

…miracles? define miracle

…love at first sight? no

…heaven? no

…Santa Claus? lmao no?

…kiss on the first date? why not, if it’s going that well?

…angels? no

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books