#but i dont know anyone else who has it full body to the point it effects breathing

[pisstopher-jr]

I say a hug would fix all my problems but if someone were to hug me while I'm having TD problems they would become a fucking maraca

[prettypinkporkchop]

Can I request Paul or Quil, whichever you prefer x reader, where reader has a manic episode and just Linda disappears of the face of the earth for like HOURS and everyone is stressing because they just cannot find this bitch only for her to pull up to there house at like 2am in like a post manic daze where they're just confused and don't know what happened or how they got there

Quil Atear x Fem Reader

WARNINGS: Mentions of bpd, bipolar, mania, depression

You have been staring at the ceiling. Your brain is itching to do something. You dont want to be around anyone, but you need to do something. You check the time. 4:00 A.M. You push the blankets off of you. You walk out of your house, leaving your phone behind. You giggle to yourself and then shut the front door behind you, running off. Finding somewhere to go.

Quil:

"When you two wake up, come to my place." Sam orders me while the pack goes our separate ways after patrolling. I nod my head and run toward my house. Well, OUR house.

As I reach the door, I notice I can't feel her. There's a pit in my stomach. I open the door and walk around. "Baby, I'm home." I look in every room.

Once I reach the bedroom, I check her daily medication organizer. Every tab is full. Today is Thursday. I pull out her bottles and pour them out, counting quickly.

She hasn't taken them in two weeks. My heart sinks. Why would she lie to me about taking them? I have to keep up with these numbers because she's done this before, but she never ran off like this.

I run out of the house and call Sam.

"Hello?"

"Please, get the guys out here. Y/n." Is all I could spit out.

Your pov:

You sigh in content as you fall onto the ground of the cliff. You lay your head back over it, your hair falling down, not even close to the water underneath. You keep your body on the rock. You close your eyes and debate about jumping.

You decide not to and then stand back up. As you stand back up, you smell something. You follow the smell and see a group of young adults at a fire. "Who are you?" A blonde boy asks. You sit next to two girls. One with glasses and the other one giving you a snobby look. "Rain." You come up with a fake name. (Sorry if you're Rain. Come up with like... pinky doo?) They look at each other in confusion. "I'm Eric! That's Mike." The other guy says while pointing to the blonde guy that asked your name. "Jess." The snobby girl says. "Angela!" The other girl smiles. "Sorry to intrude! I didn't mean to. I was just walking around enjoying the scenery. It's a calm day." You try to make it seem casual. Mike raises an eyebrow. "It's... always a calm down here." Jess awkwardly chuckles, looking around at her friends.

Quils pov:

Oh my god. I fall on my knees and start crying, holding onto her jacket that lays in the damp grass. Is she gone? She can't be. I'd feel it.

Jared comes up behind me and hugs me. "It's okay. She's not gone." The other guys follow suit, holding me as I break down. "C'mon, Quil. We've got to go." Sam says with compassion. Once we all stand up, he grabs my shoulders, shaking me slightly. "We are going to find her."

Your pov:

They all start laughing at your joke as you talk about a fake scenario that never happened. "Yeah! And when the Uber driver looked up at me through the mirror, he said, 'Clean that up'." Everyone bursts into laughter.

Suddenly, you got tired of the company and wanted to leave and do something else. "Okay! Bout to bop out. Gotta head home." You stand up. They all say bye and you walk away.

The breeze hits you, and you see your fingers turning white. The cold isn't bothering you at this state of mind, but you know Quil would kill you if you ended up losing limbs. We'll, sucks that you lost your jacket somewhere.

You keep running around and suddenly see train tracks. This peaked your interest, and you laid down on the tracks. You closed your eyes and relaxed. You hear in the distance a train is coming. You can feel the vibration underneath you. You sit up and stare ahead of you, waiting for the last second to jump. You start laughing at how good you feel.

The train gets closer.

Closer.

The light is so bright it's nearly blinding you. You raise your arms up and scream as if you're on a rollar coaster. The train blows its horn, and you quickly roll off to the side. Barely 30 seconds go by, and the train blasts through. Your hair blows everywhere, and you're smiling. You sit there until the train leaves.

They always said the rails were burning hot when a train rolls through. You put your hand on the rusty, brown metal rail, and you leave your hand there. You soak in the feeling of the burn. You close your eyes, and you imagine your hand sitting in a fire without your skin melting off. You take your hand off and look. Red, bloody, skin peeling, some black spots.

Quils pov:

1 a.m. At Emily's.

We all sit in the living room. I hear Rachel yawn for the fifth time. "You can go to sleep, love. Don't worry." Paul whispers to her. She shakes her head. I keep my elbows rested on my knees, hands together, and on my chin. Emily walks in with sodas and cake. She sits down next to Sam. "You can't feel anything bad?" Embry asks, suggesting do I feel her soul has left. I shake my head no. I don't. But what if she is, and I just refuse to allow it to hit me. "Maybe we should call Renesmee. Maybe Alice could help us." Jared suggests. "Anything. God. Anything." I start crying.

Suddenly, the door bursts open. There stands my imprint. She has a smile on her face. She looks disheveled. I quickly jump up and go to her. "Where the fuck were you?!" I scream and look all over her for any sign of injury. I look at her hands and see one is burnt. "Fuck!" I yell. She's still smiling in space. "I had a good day. Did you?" She asks me without... asking me. She's not here with me. I turn back to see everyone looking at us with confused faces. "I'm taking her home. Thank you guys. Love you." I walk out while pulling her.

"I made friends!" She giggles. I stay silent.

Next morning YOUR POV:

You wake up with my hand on fire. You see it bandaged up. Your head is pounding. You sit up and see Quil sitting up with his knees up and elbows wrapped around so his hands are holding each other. He looks upset. "Baby?" You whisper. He slowly looks over at you. "Do you remember anything?" He asks. You do a little bit. You nod your head and look down. "I counted your medicines." He says. Your heart aches. You forget to take them but you tell Quil that you do. "Why would you lie to me?" He asks, his voice shaky. You felt tremendous guilt that almost had you puking. "I just keep forgetting, and I am sorry for lying." You sniffle. You look beside you and see sleeping pills and tea. That's how you knocked out.

Quil moves, grabbing your bottles and handing them to you. You stare at them. "Now." He demands. "I'll have an alarm set for every day at the same time." You respond. You open the bottles and pour the amount in your hand. "This is really embarrassing." You sigh while taking the pills. "There's nothing embarrassing about taking medication, y/n." His tone is more aggressive. "I know, I know. I meant telling the pack. They all must think I'm crazy now." You start to cry. He pulls you into his chest. He kisses the top of your head. "You're family. They will never think that. They will always have your back." He whispers to you and runs his fingertips along your arm. "I love you." He places more kisses on your head. "I love you, too."

[classificationhell]

Not sure if this has been asked before, but how would Mourningstar react if reader died? Would losing ANOTHER child finally push him past his breaking point?

Oh dear god..... (how dark and I love it and hate it at the same time lol) (Also if y'all wanna reply whether you liked this I'd be stoked because I don't usually go this hard or dark >.>)

Look, it can go one of two ways

(WARNING DARK DISTURBING CONTENT AHEAD! WITHOUT SPOILING TOO MUCH IM GOING TO JUST SAY DEAD DOVE AND GENOCIDE)

(Above should be a page of issue number 9 of Batgirl 2009 if I am not mistaken, i honestly dont know for sure i specifically looked up batgirl 2009 issue 9 marvin though) He doesn't see you as actually being dead. You just can't be dead. You're just tired because of the incident, or whatever it was scared you so badly that you became mute. Any smell you do or dont emit he can chalk up to your scent changing or stopping, which, while rare, can happen, but oh don't worry darling, he'll still love you and your scent, or lack thereof, no matter what. Also, don't worry about you being unable to talk anymore he'll fill the silence or just cuddle you.

Fortunately, I don't think decay works the same way for sinners in hell. Headcanon is actually that unless a body is burned or eaten, it will remain intact indefinitely. There may be some smell, or the scent might disappear completely, but it isn't completely heinous. Point is he's keeping "you" cleaned and dressed and chalking your unresponsiveness up to trauma from the incident if he stares at you long enough without blinking or looking away he can definitely see you're breathing so you're not dead. You. Can't. Be. Dead. You're obviously just too traumatized to eat, or maybe he fed you already. Ah, yes, silly Daddy, you ate your blueberry pancakes this morning because they're your favorite, and you're too full for lunch. He'll spend hours talking to you about anything and everything or just cuddling. You don't move away or anything, so he knows you like it. Everyone else, including heaven, better pray to all that is holy or unholy that he doesn't ever come out of his delusions. "You look so pretty today babygirl. I love that dress on you! The color looks so well against your skin. You look like such a doll darling. Daddy's pretty little doll~"

Option 2:

He knows and he is completely enveloped by an all consuming rage. Heaven won't have to worry about an extermination ever again because Lucifer will purposely murder each and every sinner already in existence or those yet to fall. The pride ring will become uninhabitable to even hellborns, anyone that steps foot there will forfeit their life including Angels. If exorcist or fucking Adam come down he will slaughter them without prejudice and send their heads back to heaven as a notice that no one is welcome anymore and any deal they had was off. Snakes take over the entire ring and make short work of anyone who dares enter. He's buried you next to your sister and mother in the garden and visits every day to tell you he's gotten vengeance for you and will continue to slaughter every sinner who falls or anyone who dares enter the pride ring, he's made a veritable garden of Eden for himself and his family.

[boxheadpaint]

juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.

visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway

stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can

it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man

had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just “Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.

is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,

8/26/2024, Still better than july

[seaweedbraens]

What was education like for the demigods? With Percy on the run since he was 12, how did he go to school? Did Annabeth arrange for online school for the kids in the Bunkers?

LMFAOOOO they all got on zoom every day and learned their abcs and 123s

anyway the way i see it, most of them can read and write but that's about it - dyslexia fucks shit up anyway and they dont need to read english for anything more important than signboards and food labels when theyre on a quest or supply run.

HOWEVERRR since theyre bascially quite literate in greek/latin, they are still smart, you know? bunker six is basically a library full of all kinds of books hoarded over the years in book greek and english, and older demigods made it a point to teach the younger ones, tell them stories of their own history. every demigod knows their own lore, because in their world, who knows which myth might come true next?

with almost everyone on shift for supply runs, they catch glimpses of current events but they're obviously not well-versed, other than leo, who stole phones just to keep up with memes, and a bunch of aphrodite kids, who would grab those trashy magazines from supermarkets for a dose of some celebrity gossip.

basically, it's like they've been homeschooled but only in specific subjects, if that makes sense. any kind of greek/roman history? they're like experts. greek literature? they've read the iliad. but shakespeare? nada. geography? veery specific. they know a lot of it because they've traversed it firsthand, and they're good at directions, they know to use a compass. children of demeter know a lot about crops and soil and farming techniques, but that's about it.

economics? zero. civics? worse. they can do basic maths - leo in particular is incredible at it, but most of the rest would balk at a quadratic equation. bunker 9 and 6 know physics the best, bunker 10 (aphrodite) knows their chemistry, and bunker 5 (ares) is surprisingly the best at biology - but that's mostly anatomy. they need to know every part of the body so that they can learn what hurts it, what part of an enemy to go for to immobilize them, what weak points people might have. most demigods also have a base understanding of zoology, though, since theyve got a lot of ancient aristotle-y books.

i didnt expect to have so much fun with this question - honestly the last part of this is me just popping off and saying what makes sense to me, but i'd love to know if anyone else has thoughts!!!

ty for the great question, anon!!!

[dyke-pollinator]

This is a bit of a personal question so if you don’t want to answer I understand if you just delete this ask but

As a relatively younger trans woman, and especially new to actually exploring my sexuality…at what point do I feel like a lesbian? Like I always feel bad or weird for being attracted to lesbians. It always feels wrong or amoral or like I’m lying in some way idk

I apologize for taking a few days to answer this my dear anon. A combination of Pride and IRL stuff has left me exhausted and I wanted to make sure I really took the time to give you a good answer and my bad for the wall of text you're about to receive lol.

There's a lot I could say about this. For the sake of this post, I'm going to assume that by "younger" you mean both in your transition and your age. Transition is hard. Finding yourself is hard. To answer your question, it takes Time. And I mean this in two specific ways:

Transition is a slow process. As you continue your transition, (whatever that means to you, whether that be social, medical, both, or neither, or something else entirely) you'll find a lot of things just making more sense. The labels might slowly start to be more comfortable. Or maybe they wont, and you'll switch to new ones, but that deeper sense of understanding yourself doesn't really go away (trust me I've changed both my labels and pronouns multiple times now lol). Either way, despite anything else, over time you'll just start to feel more at home, both in your body, and how you present yourself to the world. Now this is both the scary part and the hard part: you have to take steps to find a community who accepts you as you are, and (ideally) with people like you. Yeah this requires you to put yourself out there in a way that will be uncomfortable at first. Yeah, sometimes its going to go poorly, and you'll be rejected, or shunned. And yes, it will take its toll on you mentally, emotionally and (sometimes) physically. Its worth it. Having those people in your life does more than you can know in learning how to love and accept yourself. Having people look you in the eye and tell you that they love you, they see you, you're valid in who you are, no matter what anyone else says, is just so crucial.

You just get older. I know for a lot of people that can be frightening (and like, yeah, sometimes), but I can tell you with full confidence, I LOVE being in my 30s. You couldn't pay me to go back to 20. Your teen years and 20s are fucking hard. You just get so much better at knowing which things to give a shit about in your life and you get the necessary resources to be able to not give a shit. Most days I feel like a lesbian (more of a Dyke but w/e), so I am one, no one can take that from me, and the people who dont like me using that label can fuck off. I wear more masc clothes and have more masc hobbies because I want to and that doesn't define my gender or sexuality. I like doing mutual aid projects, and working on honing my DIY skills. I love the people who are in my life and tell them unapologetically, and I appreciate every day I get to spend with them. As I get older, the more I feel like "me" and the more I learn that in reality, I do love that person. She's actually pretty great.

I hope you can trust me that it gets better. That, in spite of all the pain, all of the heartbreak, the loss and tribulations, its fucking worth it. I know I didn't think so for a long, long time. But my god I am so happy I made it here. You'll get to that point to.

[stupid-and-cute-are-enough]

it WAS 1:30 am and now i've got finals in mere hours so obviously this is how i should be spending my time. behold: screaming and crying publicly over @get-rammed's montgomery gator doodles

starting off STRONG with this beauty:

THE FULL-BODY HUG???? THE SKIN ON SKIN CONTACT??? one thing you MUST know about me is that i am WEAK for when the bigger partner wraps themselves around their s/o WEAK I SAY

(also monty's nose????? it's absolutely darling and so perfect for his lil face)

KEEPING ON THEME WITH WERE-MONTY

specifically the face................ he looks so dejected...................so tired................ so sad...................baby has had a ROUGH night and i desperately want them to be better 😭😭😭 (the HAND HOLD???? THE TEAR STAINS??? AUGHH)

we already KNOW how i feel about this one after all i'm that motherfucker who was so consumed by this doodle that i asked ram if i could clean it up and otherwise go insane over it we already KNOW that this doodle has me on my fucking KNEES

again THE FULL BODY HOLD??????? THE SAD EYES???? HE HOLDS ONTO THEM LIKE THEYRE SOMETHING PRECIOUS 😭 monty is trapped in a life he pretty much hates and they've gotta be one of his only sources of comfort 😭😭😭😭 i imagine the anon has to pull wayyy more hours once monty becomes a glamrock so they're constantly exhausted but desperately wants to be there for their struggling friend and vice versa for monty (and how pissed monty must get w/the virus bc why the fuck should he feel bad for them when it's HIS life that got screwed over?)

everything i just said applies to this one too except with more melancholy bc it feels like when you have to wait for your loved one to fall asleep so you can slip away quietly (but, of course, monty is holding on, so he'll be disappointed sooner rather than later)

:(

MOVING FUCKING ON TO THIS NEXT ONE OHHHH MY GOD YOU GUYS PREPARE YOURSELF

THE SNOOT RUBS???? THE HAND ON ANON'S CHEST???? THE BLUSH????? THE WAY HE RUFFLES HOW OWN HAIR 😭😭 GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING TO BEAT UP MR. FAZBEAR ENTERTAINMENT HIMSELF GIVE MONTY HIS HAIR BACK!!!!!!

but seriously this one is just SO cute 😭 gator golf monty were such simpler times and it DESTROYS me knowing where they go from here :( ik both of them heal together in the end but they hurt so much between those two points AUGHH THEY DONT DESERVE IT 😭😭

GOING BACK TO WERE-MONTY

THE SHIRT??? THE SKIN-ON-SKIN CONTACT???? literally what else is there to say i rest my case moving on

THE CASUAL INTIMACY????? THE SKIN ON SKIN????? THE ANONS SILLY LIL SMILE AND ALL THE LOVE BITES?? look im down bad for monty as much as everyone else here but good LORD there's something so tender about non-sexual touch (esp with minimal clothing) 😭😭 its so special to me............. they're so happy to have each other i am ILL

iconic

SCREAMING AND CRYING THEY'RE SO SILLY TOGETHER!!!! LET THEM BE SILLY AGAIN THEY DESERVE IT!!!!

look at them they're up to MISCHIEF they're up to NO GOOD <3 and freddy is RAPIDLY APPROACHING (side note SWEETS??? 😭😭 i love all of monty's nicknames but something about "sweets" makes me AUGH................. it's so cute...............)

BONUS:

MORGAN <333333 WHAT A MASSIVE W TO TRANS-MASCS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wouldn't wanna be represented by ANYONE else

feddy <3

last but not least the comment i left (with my user and pfp blocked out bc you don't get to know me like that) on part one of project starlight that strikes fear into me to this very day. ignore my spelling mistakes i was going through it

i would've also grabbed a screenshot of the monty plush bc i feel special every time i look at one bc ram thought my comic was cool and it instantly became a core memory but this post has taken LONG ENOUGH!!! SLAP A SHIPPING LABEL ON THIS BITCH AND SEND IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[feral-balatron]

Dont know who needs this, but heres something i wrote about my expierence with DID

Happiness. Something I haven’t felt in almost a decade. Feels like ages. But at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday. Trauma is something that happens to everyone in some capacity, some more than others. And the way that a single experience can completely shatter someone is mesmerizing. All it takes is one day, but the effects last for the rest of your life. Trauma can do a number of things to you. Some people see that same thing, over and over again in their mind’s eye like a broken record. Haunting them. Some people turn defensive, seeing everybody as a potential threat. And some people become multiple people. When you are a child, your personality has not yet solidified. And when a child experiences extreme or repeated trauma at such a young age, it can stunt the growth of your sense of self, creating multiple personalities.

This is a disorder known as dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder. And it’s excruciating. Dissociative identity disorder, or DID for short, is the most intense form of post-traumatic stress disorder you can suffer from. It’s the brain’s last resort to protect you from harm. With these new personalities, or alters, come amnesiac barriers. Memories get split up between them, and whenever one of them does something like, for example, brushing their teeth, nobody else will have a memory of that. Which can make it extremely difficult to keep up on work, hygiene and general self-care. In this example, you might keep brushing your teeth over and over again because you can’t remember doing it, even though you already did. 

Another thing that comes with this disorder is dissociation. Essentially, feeling disconnected. Either from your life, your body, your friends or family. And it can often make time feel very blurry, like no time has passed even though it has. This makes it hard to be happy, because to you, it’s 2017 and you're 7 years old. You live with your mom and your cat Nala in an apartment building in a nice neighborhood. But in reality, it's 2024, you’re 14, soon going to high school, and you live somewhere else with your mom, stepdad, and his son. Nala is dead and you have a new cat, as well as two guinea pigs. You go to a new school, where you don’t know anyone. You’re in an unfamiliar place and you don’t know how you got here.

Wouldn’t that be terrifying?

Well let me tell you, it is. Feeling trapped somewhere you don’t belong is absolutely dreadful, and with the flow of time pulling you ever further from where you want to be just makes everything feel hopeless. And being in this state makes it so much easier to completely shut down after the smallest of inconveniences. Because even if it’s just a small thing, adding it onto your plate already full of stuff that you already can’t handle is so overwhelming. And when you reach that breaking point, it’s terrifying to know that you aren’t the only one making irrational decisions. Because your alters are also stressed. They’re also sad. They’re also in control of your body. And anything they do will look like your choice. So if they decide to break things, wreck your house, harm yourself, harm others, in the eyes of everyone else that was you. The constant fear of finally snapping is suffocating, because at any moment someone else could come out and do something that would completely ruin your life. 

And even if your life is going kind of alright at the moment, you’re feeling good about where you are. They might have other feelings, and a lot of the time, they’ll take it out on you. Because to them, it’s your fault. So no matter what you do to appease them, they taunt you. Telling you that your stupid, that your to blame, that you don’t deserve any of the happiness that you feel, that you should just kill yourself. 

And if you’re already suffering from depression or anxiety or with these kinds of thoughts, having a constantly present voice in your head yelling these things at you can really make you start to believe it’s true. Maybe I am stupid, it is all my fault, I don’t deserve happiness, maybe I should just kill myself.

But you don’t. You’re too scared. You don’t have the courage, you're not strong enough, you're not smart enough, you're not brave enough. You're not good enough.

Dissociative identity disorder and its other manifestations are a horrible, terrible and constant suffering. Because once upon a time, almost a decade ago, something bad happened to you. And you suffer the consequences of that bad event every single day. Something you had no choice in, something you didn’t ask for, and it completely mutilated the life that you had before. But at the end of the day,

you can’t change it. You can’t change what happened, you can’t make it better, you just have to live with it. You have to cope with it, you have to deal with it. You just have to try and make the best of it. 

And even if the best isn’t as good as you think it could be, you’re still here. You’re still alive, you’re still surviving, and you’re okay. Dissociative identity disorder is your brains, albeit flawed, way of protecting you. So even if you wish you’d never even been born, you were. And I can guarantee that at some point, you’ve felt happiness and joy. And that makes it all worth it. Finally being able to feel again is a hard thing to achieve, but once you do, the cloudy skies seem to clear up, showing off the beautiful rainbow left behind by the storm. 

DID, OSDD, and PTSD are hard to live with. But you’re doing it. And that’s beautiful.

[thatstuckietherian]

i think that....... i might be......... a system?

(aka i have a lot of evidence pointing towards the fact that im plural but im really scared to talk about it because i keep convincing myself im a faker)

idk its just like... hey maybe its not normal to have guys in ur head that have individual names and opinions and appearances and to occasionally feel like ur body is being piloted by someone else while ur watching them and such

i think the thing that trips me up the most is that they dont show up a whole lot? it feels like i can go for a few days without really running into anyone else in my head (ignoring the fact that the concept of "me" is blurry in and of itself, but i cant get into that here)

but then again i have proof that we dont share memories for the most part (the only reason we have somewhat continuous memories is that "i" am almost always fronting) so maybe its just amnesia hiding amnesia. idk

also we dont/cant always talk to each other/we have a hard time talking to each other sometimes and like... i dont see a lot of people sharing experiences like that? a lot of systems i see around can have full blown conversations all the time and we just... cant do that most of the time? and sometimes we understand what the other is thinking without them having to say it? or we feel like partially connected or fused or something and idk mannn i just dont know who i am a lot of the time :[

if i am plural btw im most definitely traumagenic, i dont have any opinions about syscourse stuff tho

uh input or advice from systems would be greatly appreciated, i feel like a soggy kitten standing alone in the rain all afraid and such also if anyone has advice about alters that try to harm other alters/the system in general thatd be nice to hear :[

[sunnychuuya]

Sorry for the lack of sally face vomit last night guys I was eepy </3 I'm waking up in less than 8 hrs so let's go

THE FUCK YOU MEAN 60%

HOW DID I MISS SHIT I TRY SO HARD TO NOT

-oof not meds being shitty

-"is anyone really happy?" Mood

-hoooly fuck bro I am notnin a good enough mental state for this rn "I mean, were all just going to die anyway. So what's the point" pookie can we donting

-guysss whay the flip this games writing is rlly good

-"it feels like nothing puts me at ease. It's this constant feeling of discomfort like my soul isn't aligned with my body" okay I know this is prolly some ghosty supernatural shit but I feel this so hard ??

-HELP THE SCRAMIMG JUMPSCARED ME SO BAD mood tho

-hey what.

Whats this.

Larry if this means what I think it means

"ITS TIME FOR ME TO GO WHAY NO

Fuck

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

NO

I KNEW HE DIED BUT HE CANT DIE LIKE THOS

MY HEART IS RACIN

NO

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

"Don't do anything stupid" the amount of times I've had this told to me and had to tell me loved ones bro

Fuck

No

Guys this isn't even fucking funny this isn't like me getting spooked easy it's like I legitimately am crying so fucking hard right now like mt face is red and all nasty

Shit Larry please

I think this is the most I've ever cried over a game.

Shit

Fuck

No..

Please.

I knew he died.

It can't happen like this I'd rather anything else god damnit why.

Im shaking

okay in texting one of my friends and he's kinda helping a Lil 👍

He was supposed to move in with us.

He's in the treehouse.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Shit.

I'm sorry I know this isn't entertaining to read but

Fuck..

Larry why.

Larry face.

No ghat was really well done. And that's what makes it hurt sk much more. Fuck. Why.

[Tw suicide] this Honestly is making me really glad I never went through with it. Seeing those messages from a fucking fictional character is able to break my heart so much I can't imagine how my loved ones would've felt receiving this

sorry this is getting a Lil venty and dark but just like.. jeez. This is well written and that fucks it up so hard

ash what the fuck. You shitty traitor.

Ash I hate you.

Why.

Ash you fucking suck

Wait did Larry die with alcohol

Uck that makes it so much worse too

Im lowkey having to take breaks cuz this is hitting HARD

Larry's note. Oh my god.

phrophecy??

Oh right the cult

Fuck I'm sk glad ghosts exsist but I wish he was really here larry why

"You asshole! How could you do this?! Why did you leave me? Why?!" Fuck. Dude. Shit.

guys I'm stuck this is embarrassing

A times thing r u fr

Nvm easy as shot

oh great! guys that's great why is there black leak that's not good

what's happening with 501 what the florp

"The shapeless man walks in awkward strides"

Is everyone like possed or on the verge of possession or smth ?? Because like it's the red eyed demon right- based on the cutscene with Todd we saw during the bologna incident and the black stops righr before their eyes so..

The guitar sections are so stressful ngl

Oh wow mr Sanderson blew his brains out hub!

"yoy look like shit dude" Larry fucking wild thing to say to someone who shot themslelves

HEY GUYS ROOM 404 IS SLIGHTLY SUSPICIOUS

"These ghosts. So full of life. Strong, healthy blood. Tender meat. Oh how we crave their flesh. Yet, they deny us.. soon." what the fuck.

Wait guys in the vhs tape screen TV reflection it's younger sal he has pigtails

Larrys dead. I can't accept thst wth..

yall. Why us everyone being all deep n shit

"I'm sort of in the middle of something" honestly props to sal for not just giving up. I would be strong enough for that.

Yea these fuckers r possessed how do we unposses them

am I is have stupid

Im dumb

Gwyss who's quitting for the night cuz I couldn't figure out the guitar thing !!

Will do tmmrw

Aorry for this one being kinda depressing </3 I'm waking up in 5 hrs save .e

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow

[kittydoodle]

i just wanna talk a little bit about my art journey the past few years, about my mental health related to it, and about my recently rediscovered joy in art. this doesnt have any real point, id just like to share (under the cut because its pretty long lol)

for a very long time, like several years, i was deeply unmotivated and uninspired to make any art. getting out of high school and eventually quitting my first job, i just felt really depressed, and with undiagnosed psoriatic arthritis putting me in worse and worse pain every day, i was lucky if i could even physically sit down and get a doodle out.

i also held myself to secret unsaid rules about how to create my art. no starting a piece unless i intend to finish it in the same day. no creating anything that isnt fully colored and polished. no making anything that doesnt have perfect lines or proportions im perfectly satisfied with. it stunted my self expression, it took all the joy out of making my art, and it made me upset because i believed i was somehow losing my passion for making art.

i sincerely believed i was growing out of my desire to draw, forever. i was distraught and grieving. i couldnt even draw things i was excited to, i would think to myself, "wow! id love to draw this idea!" and then id sit down and think about how id have to finish a full, perfect piece, and id immediately lose my motivation. so all id ever make were full, finished pieces every once in awhile, and i was still deeply unsatisfied with them.

however, in the past 6 months or so, a few things have come together that have really restored my excitement for creating art

first, (DISCLAIMER: this is not advice! dont follow my example!) i quit my adhd meds. yes, really. i was suddenly out of them for a couple weeks and in those couple weeks i realized i felt better than i had in years, and, ironically, it was way easier for my to do chores without it. the only thing i can really think of to explain it is that i was on a stimulant medication for a very, very long time, like most of my working memory ive been on them. i guess after so long it stopped working the way it should to due to tolerance buildup and was just bogging me down instead of stimulating me.

second, i doodle, i sketch, i make quick drawings i have no intention of finishing. i allow myself not to finish or perfect a piece. i even draw random ideas i wont do anything else with, just for fun. at the advice of a few friends, i have forcefully practiced letting myself get messy and unrefined with my art so that its less intimidating, and to my surprise it actually worked.

third, i started arthritis meds and i listen to my body way better now so i can avoid inflaming and injuring myself, which makes it a lot easier to draw without pain! i even do stretches! im still working on fully effective treatment for my pain, but im doing at least a little better

i dont really know where im going with this tbh... for anyone who has followed me for a long time, uve seen this blog get quiet with little to no art posts for months and months at a time for the past few years, so i hope u are excited to see me posting more frequently again! i missed it! i hope u enjoy me now as much as im enjoying me!

im happy to be creating again and i hope i can keep my passion going! im happier now than i have been in an extremely long time, and im excited to show everyone the things ive been creating more often

umm thats all i guess! if u read this far ummmm One Big Kissaroo From Me To You okay 🩷🩷🩷 MWAH

[pocketramblr]

For the five ask game, how about an alternative universe where Izuku is a clone of aizawa? like he was a failed attempt at gaining erasure after afo failed to nab it the first time

1- Ujiko is unable to nab Aizawa but does get a dna sample. Unfortunately, he can't get a quirk factor out of it, but he figures if he clones the sample into a full human, then they can wait for the clone to have a quirk and steal it. In his tube, Izuku quickly goes through pregnancy and being weaned- he's taken off at about the age of 'two', because to accelerate his growth at that point would likely lead to damage. Since no one in this organization knows how to handle kids, Izuku's dropped off with Tomura who's under strict orders to not decay him.

2- this lasts about three years, when izuku is 'five' and has still not shown a quirk activation. He has no quirk factor on testing, and a few other differences between himself and the man he's a partially complete clone of- type O blood being another. (I guess Aizawa only had one B allele. its weird but. technically not weirder than Shoto's blood type thing.) Now a failed investment, AfO must figure out what to do with Izuku- his cloned and quirkless body would not make a good nomu base, those do better when they have a quirk factor to begin with.

3- but Tomura is not happy- Izuku is.... his belonging, because lets just go all in on the AfO and Yoichi parallels. like he's punted Izuku like a football, but he Will attack anyone who tries to take him away. AfO realizes this could be a useful tool for grooming, and tells Tomura that if he's a good little murderous villain, he'll get to keep Izuku, but if he's bad and disobedient, he'll be grounded from him. Izuku's opinion on the matter is not asked. Since being grounded also means losing video games, whenever Izuku is taken away from Tomura, he's basically stuck in an empty room with a game cube and Kurogiri dropping off food. But turns out those video games are a great medium for Izuku to realize he sure wants to be like the cool protagonists who are heroes and help people, even if he's half convinced there are actually only like, five other people in the whole world.

4- As the years go by, Tomura 'loses his Izuku privileges' less and less often, and also Izuku plots his escape. When AfO is turned into a mashed potato, he runs. Tomura demands where he is because its not like any of this is his fault to punish for, and AfO is like 'uhm. yeah hold on. kurogiri what do you mean you dont know where he is.' so now Tomura is really mad and goes on the hunt for him, ignoring everyone else. AfO bemoans not giving a quirk to izuku in order to track him, then remembers that actually he didn't want to waste any quirk and shrugs, telling the other two to deal with Tomura and get them both back.

5- Izuku runs until he passes out, and a concerned woman calls an ambulance. at the hospital he doesn't have much info to give the worried people when he wakes, just "oh, yeah, my name's Izuku because Tomura doesn't like to share his last name and I think it sucks anyway since it's sensei's. But i ran away because i don't want to kill people or be stuck in a vault alone again. Uh no i don't have any family, oh except pro hero Eraserhead. can i stay here?". The hospital takes a blood sample in their examination and call the police. However they can't do much more before them logging that tips of Ujiko, who tips off Tomura out of sheer annoyance, and the kid shows up at the hospital threatening to dust everyone if Izuku doesn't come back with him right now. Izuku apologizes for the trouble, and agrees. Eraserhead is called to the hospital to give his own dna sample and is deeply concerned by the fact that it's a match and also everything the boy said. but hey, now they can start looking for him!

[oxtoxtoxto]

i think i had an epiphany about pokemon black and white.

i think it was released about 5 or 6 years too early. what do i mean by that? BW came out in 2010, around a decade ago, and im going to assume it probably started full development not that long after HGSS finished up development, which would have been somewhere in 2009.

2009 was definitely a complex time, especially in Japan, but it was a *very different* time to now.

See, I think team plasma would have had a much more smooth narrative if they had incorporated the idea of *misappropriating progressive language*, and otherwise misusing certain terminology to the point of rendering it completely meaningless in its prior context.

we know the language bigots use to talk about minority groups nowadays, right? how there's pieces of language that used to serve a *very specific purpose* to refer to a *very specific kind of act* (such as grooming, a term which is now just thrown at the LGBT community whenever a bigot feels they need to drum up hate) which have now been sandblasted down into just another sneer to spit at people they hate?

and how by doing this they've tainted the usefulness *of those terms* to the point where it's genuinely impacting people's ability to report on certain things?

this was not as close of a topical issue in 2010 as it is today, where language is increasingly being weaponized due to the availability and reliance on social media our society has increasingly found itself with. this is why i think in a better world, pokemon bw would have come out in 2015, maybe even *later*, when this shit not only really began to develop into the cancerous issue it is now, but also when people began to actively speak out about it in a way that was wide-reaching.

think about a reframing here. at its core, team plasma is a pokemon welfare organization being used as a front as an elaborate way to dismantle any potential threats ghetsis might have to succeeding in a coup. ideally, this means trainers are pressured into releasing their pokemon and the ones who aren't have theirs *taken by force*, causing immense trauma to both pokemon *and* person, thereby necessarily weakening them in the process.

so, lets approach it as it might be done today. the first thing you do is you start widening the meaning of *abuse* and applying it in situations where it absolutely isn't the case, just to *force* people to legitimize a conversation that, say, owning a house pet might qualify as pokemon abuse.

you muddy the meaning of abuse until you have caused schisms in local culture. you rely on what examples of abuse you can find--neglect, power-hungry trainers who do view their pokemon mostly as instruments to increment ever-higher in ranking, but you do not turn you ire, *specifically*, on them. you turn that blame on your real targets: everyone else.

and all the while, what *abuse* or *neglect* or *mistreatment* even means when it comes to pokemon is muddled. people start reporting people for what they perceive *as* abuse even when it's not, and wasting the time of the organizations designed to look after this kind of thing, while also making anyone who reported things and got a "this wasnt abuse" feel validated that, yes, *everyone is in on it*.

with of course the occasional group of aggro anti-trainers reporting in such large numbers that the legal bodies involved have to investigate and maybe even separate pokemon and human because, well--look at all of these reports. there might be something going on.

and this snowballs. those who dont immediately bend to the pressure are targeted. they get picketed, they get people screaming at them. they have their organization decried as "abuse enablers" and with the way social media flattens nuance and these people already making sure to leave out all of the important details, many of these figures become hated by people who have been caught up in a cultural hate furor towards someone who has really been the one looking after these issues. people who are good, but are now demonized by a very vocal and aggressive group.

and then, you twist the knife, because with the eradication of all meaning to terms like *abuse*, you also make it a lot easier for abusive trainers to get away with what they're doing so long as they just pay the correct kind of lip service. just look at ghetsis: he has a hydreigon that genuinely seems to fucking hate him, judging by its frustration. abuse doesnt actually *get reduced*, because the words have been muddled so much the kind of clues and hints that might help a pokemon abuser get caught and put away are lost in the endless froth of vitriol.

abusers dont get hurt by this so long as they know how to phrase it.

and when you add in that the people who would actually be handling cases of abuse and mistreatment being either demonized, bent to the will of an angry mob, or too terrified to speak out, real abuse goes untouched.

people, *figureheads* of the movement, become untouchable because they crusade for the campaign with the right combination of words that *surely* they're not using this as a smoke screen to cover for their own goals.

this, this right here? i think people have always been aware of how language can be shaped like this, but genuinely the last 5 to 8 years have been the absolute worst of it, and most obviously criticized. if BW came out during this period, and used this as a touchstone rather than the absolute stance it does, it could have been a much more nuanced and compelling narrative.

the point is, though, Pokemon BW could have come out in the late 2010s and probably had a much stronger real-life example to build on and work with. The conversations we are having today are eminently relatable to Team Plasma's goal, it's just *too early* to have that connection.

It also would have permitted some nuance within the narrative. As it stands right now, the Pokemon universe simply rejects the idea that mistreatment of Pokemon is a realistic idea in the first place. Even among some of the darkest, and arguably the most likely teams to abuse their Pokemon (Galactic and Rocket) mainly view their Pokemon as integral sources of power that they must nourish and improve for their own benefit. It's not a purely benevolent reason, no, but Cyrus has a Crowbat (only evolves with high friendship) and while some of it is anime apocrypha, virtually *nothing* implies that Giovanni mistreated his Pokemon, and that Team Rocket mainly mistreated Pokemon via stealing them in the first place or by attempting get rich quick schemes (slowpoke tails).

In other words, the only group that has been shown to actively and aggressively *abuse pokemon* is team plasma itself, where in one of their first appearances two grunts, claiming to want to protect Pokemon, repeatedly kick a fucking Munna not ten feet away from you.

These would be the leaders, the problems, the actual criminals stringing the others along who have been caught up in the momentum of finally having someone to just *hate*.

This would let the story also progress as you work your way up from the grunts (who may fall anywhere on the scale between shitheel or ideological warrior consumed by the movement) to the admins (who are all eerily powerful, well-connected, and giving away hints that their Pokemon are mistreated, its just that they have the language and reputation to avoid scrutiny) and finally to Ghetsis, who is the embodiment of these leaders in the worst way possible. Part of the story, then, would be figuring out where N falls, if what he's saying is just lip service or the truth, and it would make his struggle to reconcile the world Ghetsis has painted for him (one of casual Pokemon cruelty and Pokemon forced into subservient roles to do as humans wish) against the one he faces (one where Pokemon and humans work together--not always perfectly, but with a lot of care) and the slowly dawning realization that everything he's been told is a projection of how Ghetsis and his admins actually feel about Pokemon a lot more meaningful.

You could even include hints. Admins putting their Pokemon away whenever N is around, almost in a panic because if N got a single chance to speak to any of their Pokemon, the entire plot would go up in smoke.

N not knowing about certain operations or being intentionally redirected to you to keep him occupied as Ghetsis and his admins are finally allowed to throw their weight around.

By making it much more reflective of trends we know about today, you could get a fair bit more intense narrative about deceit and the real fucked up consequences of this kind of thing.

[judjira]

je ne sais quoi (preview)

AN: heyoooo i feel like ive let you guys go through a drought of me not producing good shit so here's a sneak peek of smtin im workin: drum roll pls,,,,,,,A JAMAIS VU SEQUEL YAAAAAY dont expect the full thing to come out any time soon tbh i need it to be PERFECT

pairing: datzu

jamais vu

wc: 1002

She wakes up.

Wake. Which means she’s been sleeping.

It’s a haze. Like a mist that hangs over the precipice of her mind, casting a curtain of fog over what she sees and feels, what she knows.

What does she know?

Peeking out into the inner shelves of her memories, she searches.

And searches.

And searches.

Only to find a sea of nothing. Blank and void, an overwhelming abyss of unknowing.

She doesn’t know anything. She doesn’t remember anything.

It’s confusing.

If she does not know, does not remember, how can she think like this? How can she expect to see past that curtain of fog? How is her first instinct to swim in that sea of nothing?

How does she know?

She comes to a conclusion.

She knew. At one point, she knew. But somehow, now she does not.

Her eyes are not open yet, not yet in perception of the world that surrounds her. And for a moment, she wonders if she even should try and perceive that which she does not know.

Then, she feels it.

In her closed state, she can still feel the warmth of the body in front of her, as one by one, her body parts inform her of the position they’re in.

Her arms are wrapped around a stomach, legs intertwined with legs, her face pressed into a neck, hot breath tickling this other in front of her.

She opens her eyes.

For a moment, all she sees is warmth.

Long flowing black hair, loose shirt that slides off the shoulder, revealing pale and pure white skin, all of a woman laying next to her in bed.

It is indescribable.

What she feels. How her chest surges with an unthinkable passion. How her fingers begin to tremble with an unadulterated weakness. How her lips quiver with an unspoken fervor.

Who is this woman?

She blinks at her, once. Twice.

It is a mystery that can be solved at a later time.

She takes stock of her surroundings.

A bedroom. Not too large, but not too small. It’s clean. There’s a dresser by the corner of the room, a closet on the other side, and a window with drawn curtains. She can just barely see sunlight peeking through, early blue hues of the morning just beginning to dawn.

She takes stock of her body.

Pajamas on long limbs, shoulder length brown hair, and a well proportioned face. At least, it feels like a well proportioned face. She hasn’t looked in the mirror yet.

There is more to this mystery, yet there is nothing else in this room that may clue her in to what it is she is searching for.

There is no sign of her identity.

The only thing that may answer who she is, she fears, is the woman lying in bed next to her.

Slowly, carefully, she lays a hand on the woman’s shoulder, taking note of her soft, soft skin, and gently rolling her over onto her back.

And when she does, her breath stops.

Those closed eyes, those pale cheeks, those soft lips.

There is nothing that comes close to describing how the world has stopped for her. Her breath is short, her chest is tight, her ears are ringing.

This woman is the answer.

Somehow, she knows. She does not know how she knows. But there is no other possibility.

Then, the woman opens her eyes.

She smiles.

“Hey, you.”

And somewhere in her own mind, it’s as if a threshold breaks, and the world she barely knows seems to solidify itself around this woman she barely even knows.

Tzuyu does not know why it makes sense. It just does.

“M-Me?”

It is an odd feeling, to not recognize the sound of your own voice, softly pitched and almost warbling in uncertainty. She almost balks at the sound of it. What if the woman doesn’t like her voice?

“Is there anyone else I’m in bed with?”

The woman raises an eyebrow. She swallows, the sound of the woman’s voice ringing in her ears, only chained into laughter that tingles at her soul.

None of this should make sense. But it does, somehow. She just doesn’t have the words for any of it.

“W-where…um, who—? What…what happened?”

The woman giggles once more.

“Well, Tzu…when two people love each other very much…”

Tzu.

It shouldn’t mean anything.

But it does.

Because somewhere, sometime, it’s been said before.

“T-Tzu?”

The woman actually stiffens at that, before palming her face as she sighs.

“Gosh, I—oh, I’m sorry…I forgot to follow your protocol…I’m sorry, I’m still trying to get the hang of this…”

The woman actually looks almost distraught, and she holds back every conceivable urge to take this random woman she found in a bed into her arms.

“Um…that’s—that’s okay? I don’t—I don’t really…understand.”

The woman peers up at her, and the smile twinkles itself back up to her face.

“My gosh, you are just the cutest in the mornings, huh?”

She feels the warmth rush up to her cheeks, and she’s barely able to hide her face before the woman giggles.

“Okay, that’s enough procrastinating on my part.”

The woman sits up, revealing her slim body, overshadowed by the large white t-shirt that covers up to her thighs. Her hair is a mess, and she tries to fix it by running her hands through it, but to no avail.

Everything about this woman is strange, odd, unexpected.

But somehow, she likes it.

Then, the woman clears her throat.

“Your name is Chou Tzuyu.”

Chou Tzuyu.

The name rings, and resonates in her mind, as if dropping a rock into a still body of water, the ripples echoing throughout the surface.

Tzu.

“I-I see. And…and you are?”

The woman smiles.

And in that smile, it’s as if Tzuyu can dream a thousand distant dreams of what she knows she’s lost, twinkling stars in the distance that have just vanished.

Except for this one.

“My name’s Kim Dahyun.”

Tzuyu smiles.

“And I’m your girlfriend.”

[lets-jam]

1, 7, 16

im gonna do this for 2077, tho if anyone else does one feel free to specify a fandom

1 - the character everyone gets wrong

hmmm a tie for me between alt and goro takemura. alt ranges from like a generic 'good woman' to the far more common evil manipulative bitch which like. id be more upset about but given we get NOTHINGGGGGGG in terms of content for her about her like i cant get TOOO mad... I GUESS. i just certainly think shas far more multifaceted or SHOULD be far more multifaceted than.... whatever the hell we got. like i think theres something interesting with her setup being like 'sharp netrunner who got hired to make something she probably very well knew was... designed to kill people and could and would be used to kill people, who had her 'curiosity take over' (some fact i heard somewhere) but then also chickened out n tried to stop it last minute, and ultimately was one of the first subjects it was used on killing her body and forever changing her entire being, being forced to survive in a cuthroat alien world of no human basis despite still 'thinking' like a human, being even more forever changed by that and like kinda playing with this idea that yeah it is unfortunate that like traumatic shit not of our choosing can like irreparably change us not for the better, and that we can have dignity/human-ness given back to us by being treated as such even if its alien to her now. course like then its... id prefer her story not being so weirdly tied to johnnys as like a girl he happened to be fucking because... she was there i guess. and thats our only like reference point for her. which is all to say she has the potential you know? and alot of people dont... get that imo. for a cyberpunk setting shes really interesting case of how/what gets treated as a human and what we do when we dont have that treatment/what we do when we're given it back smthn smthn at what point does a self end (with memories? with how we're perceived by others? etc etc) but of course we didnt get to deal with any of that cause the game refuses to even ask these questions about johnny in any real fun exploratory way. and shes only in the game cause johnny fucked her and accidentally killed her... so yeah. and then GORO god this is mostly just me beefing with all the fucking idiots horny for this guy and like he gets fics n posts made about him how he would 'abandon arasaka for youuuuuu 😚😚😚' no he wouldnt! you are literally peon trash to him! he was chosen by a god emperor and elevated in his mind! he straight up believes capitalistic order is fine cause who cares doesnt affect him anymore and its a necesarry thing! which i like! hes completely head over heels for his corporation like a true 'samurai' ie serving a lord above everything else, even 'warrior code' if that ever mattered to him. hes been deepthroating the boot for years n loves the taste! he has never once thought in his life that you were his equal, and he has never once thought of you as a friend he sees you as a true means to an end full stop! hes not some secretly good bushido samurai man! which like more people should run with! if he was given a choice between arasaka and your life he would choose arasaka 10 times over like, hes terrible and i like that, everyone else seems to not.

7 - what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

fandom antics have really made me dislike this one complete side character like this person has like 2 lines but caused such fights in the fandom that im like i guess this is real to you. some gay guy and some woman fought over this side characters sexuality and one like made some weird kin claim to posting edits of him and like!!!! sometimes i have to remember people are unwell. it was fun for a time to watch ppl bitch about that for a while n see all the vague posting that or goro for reasons stated above

16 - you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

lmao sex god johnny silverhand. and related to that johnnys hologram being able to physically interact with v outside their body... ppl took like some 'its there for the cinema' stuff where he shoves v and like grabs their hands and ran with it now we have hard light hologram sex everywhere... even tho ppl shouldve just gotten freaky with it and had them like possession mutually masturbating using vs body like them as a single...being, cause again vs body is the only real thing in this equation and id like abit more realism if im going into some silverv smut, but those are few and far between the hologram sex featuring hologram cum and hologram fingering it just bugs me casue like the draw for me at least is they cant interact like normal separate people, nor can they 'feel' as in feel things like normal separate people, nor ARE they normal separate people like their whole setup is weird, they are literally the same person!!!! and i hate it when people dont get weird n creative in those paramaters with what we're given. esp when johnny flat out says 'masturbation is the only way for us to have sex' too. plus i love the draw of not being able to love or live or interact like you want to... famously i love a 'love' that cant be for whatever reason, despite it being there real girl what were you doing at the devils sacrement self report but it did bug me

[dearmahiru-archive]

even without textual evidence id love to hear your thoughts on kotoko not killing anyone directly!! i never hear 10 theories, & especially not ones that dont revolve around her beating up the prisoners. if youre comfortable, i would love to hear your thoughts on my wife ~with love

Ahh so sorry for how long it took to me to answer this ask my brain has been gone for the past few days. But you're right!  How could I pass up an opportunity to talk about Kotoko? She deserves so much more love than what she's given. Kotoko appreciators please interact I'd love to hear your thoughts.

So we already know I subscribe to this particular theory:

Since it serves as a extension of the parallels found in the prisoners. It also fits with Kotoko since she states she'd be an innocent person outside of Milgram:

Kotoko: [...]To defend and protect the weak, there’s always situations when you can't do anything else. I say again, what I did is, “facing an urgent and illegal infringement, an action taken out of necessity to protect the rights of myself and others”. You do understand what that means, right? Es: "Criminal law, the 36th paragraph, article 1. Justifiable self-defense." Kotoko: "Looks like someone has studied. So in reality, my case, if taken to the judiciary, will also be judged as justifiable defense.

(Kotoko you did nothing wrong so true so true!)

Though, I'll admit this doesn't outright confirm she didn't kill directly anyone. However, if we work back from the idea Kotoko commited an indirect murder then you start noticing a lot of weird details in her case.

— The Warehouse

First off, Kotoko didn't directly killed the warehouse guy. We know this because her actual victim died in a nearby street in Sendocho, Kyoto.

There is the possibility there's multiple murders underneath her belt but she hasn't mentioned it hereself:

Kotoko: I did kill someone. This is why I believe in the power of Milgram.

And, unlike other prisoners, Kotoko has no reason to lie about herself. She admires the prison and believe she's done nothing wrong. If she wants to become our fang then certainly she'd jump at the chance to mention all the villains she's defeated.

Which is amazing and everything but. . . if Kotoko's victim didn't die in the warehouse then why is it the climax of Harrow? It's obviously meant to be presented as her murder. Why are there so many strange details included in the warehouse scene too?

I pointed this out in a seperate post but there's three major strange details in the warehouse scene:

1). A car suddenly appears the second time Kotoko enters the warehouse.

2). Kotoko's outfit shifts midway through entering.

3.) Despite that, her cap still appears on the ground.

(I don't even think Takao, the warehouse guy, is even bleeding...! I've been told otherwise but I turned up the saturation and stared at the image like twelve different times but I think its shadow. Why is it obscure anyway??? Just make it outright!! Some of us have vision problems y'know!!)

I don't have any answers for why these details are here but it's weird. This is only time I can think of in S1 where the "real world" has muddled up details like this. (Apart from maybe Rei's change of eye colour which is more subtle than this).

Which isn't to say her victim isn't Takao. Again, it's the literal climax of the song and her wolf imagery comes out full stop while dealing with him. She's been hunting this guy down for possibly two years and he's done inexcusable harm to children.

Several news article through Harrow Flash news: A girl's dead body was found near her home, presumed to be another victim of a killing spree targeting little girls

New evidence: tire marks, same as the marks found near where the girl's corpse was abandoned. The culprit seems to have kidnapped her by car, murdered her, and dumped her body near her home

 The person who killed 10 people in two years was the spoiled son of an upper-class citizen. He ran over an elementary-school girl and she died, which may have been concealed due to his father's power

It also fits with her theme of protecting others as opposed to Mikoto's theme of protecting himself. Murdering a serial killer who's done inexcusable harm on this level can make it harder to punish her in the future. She did a very, very good thing by taking this guy down.

Her smile also matches up with the shot in Undercover where she's presumedly beating someone to death.

— The Alley way

If we're discussing a potential victim here then it's more likely to be Mikio Oshii, the man she beats up in the alley way. However, I'm not convinced of this either because it's never given full confirmation.

An article from Harrow: "Mikio Oshii, a man wanted for theft was found unconscious yesterday night and taken to the hospital, his face and stomach beaten up. Footprints of a man's sneakers were found at the site, and the police are searching for a male culprit."

(transmasc kotoko so true!! handsome boy!!)

It's possible he could've died later in the hospital—like, genuinely I believe it, there's plenty of evidence, and I don't have a direct argument against it—but for the sake of this theory I don't think this is the case.

Unless Mikio laid a hand on her prior, tracking down to corner a thief and beating him until he's unconscious wouldn't constitute as self defense. If this was the case then why not show the audience?

As for the indirect murder part, there could be a debate over whether a death caused later constitutes as murder but I don't think it'd be an interesting debate.

It's also a pretty tame murder in the context of Milgram. Kotoko "I defeat evil doers" Yuzuriha beat up an old guy, didn't even finish the job, and he died by blood loss. Not only is this the legal definition of murder (Kotoko had the intent to harm + the victim died as a result of her wounds), the literal children of Milgram have done worse. When Amane wanted to kill someone she atleast brought a steel pipe and aimed for the head!

However, this isn't to say her victim isn't Mikio. Atleast, not entirely. The alley way matches closest with the Sendoku street and beating up someone is presented as her murder. This scene is definitely important to understanding case.

—So Like, What Is Her Murder Then?

Haha... remember in my original post when I this theory was half-baked and had little evidence? I can croon all I want about how it's not Takao or Mikio but she had to killed someone, y'know? There's no other character in Milgram where you couldn't reasonably guess the victim based off of the first trial alone. I've also noted why it still could've been either of them too. This also isn't conclusive evidence she didn't directly or indirectly murder them either.

Personally, I think Kotoko's crime should be an extension of Milgram prison, similarly to Fuuta. Her judge/jury/executioner vigilante traits fts this already but I think it could go even further. I'm thinking she might've turned to a higher authority and they recieved a lethal punishment of some kind? That's kind-of just my shot in the dark through.

Kotoko's case interests me the most because of how simple is appears to be while having so many elusive elements. For instance, who're the two girls and the man with the hammer? One of the girl's could've been Kotoko herself too which makes for an incredibly interesting backstory. There's also this line in her voice trailer:

Kotoko: "From the begin I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing earth closer to peace. Useless Weaklings should just shut up and let me protect them!"

Which is strange because every voiceline happens before their time in Milgram. Who is she talking to and why does she need to defend herself while talking to them?

This conclusion is a bit of a mess but wow I'm really excited for Deep Cover. Recieving confirmation on anything is going to make me ecstatic. Inno Kotoko truther through and through I adore her.