#but i am awake and getting coffee
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me and @ferromagnetiic we're almost birthday twins, we are the same egg group, we basically shared a womb
#❝ adhd thought dump ❞ — ooc#hello good day#saro is typing my completed threads for me because typing is boring and i can't do it#but i am awake and getting coffee#and hanging here for the morning#tbd.
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😒
My head is full of thoughts so I am pouring them into the tags like a pitcher of water so that I can clear out my brain please just don’t mind me ���🏻
#Ugh#I’m so tired#but if I sleep I’ll feel useless#But if I stay awake I’m gonna stare off into the void and be miserably exhausted#Need to go out and get that bereavement card#But I need a shower#But I’m already dressed#And then there’s that training meeting tonight#But it’s on LVADs and I take care of LVAD patients on my unit so squad training for it isn’t a big feal#BUT I’d get paid to be there#But I’m tired#and then can’t have dinner with my fam#Ugh I’ve been awake since 5:45am 😩#I need to remember to pray a decade of the rosary too#And lectio divina maybe??#I wanna take a nap#but feel gross#You know what to heck with it#Coffee and shower and upbeat music let’s goooo#Is there something wrong with my head or am I just tired LOL#The daily struggle 😂#ANYWAY BYE TUMBLR I HAVE TO GET OFF MY STUPID BUTT
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they Have to stop scheduling me these late shifts don’t they know i’m just a girl (?) and i am SLEEPY
#i slept in until NOON today (very out of character bc if i am not awake by 8:30 i feel like i’ve wasted my scheming and plotting time +#for the day) and got an extra shot of espresso in my coffee and yet. i am still snoozy at my desk#somebody get me out of hereeeeee (i only have 45 min left tops)#🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍#it’s ok next 2 weeks after sunday i’ll be back to 1-11. beyond that who knows
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ON DA FUCKINT GRIND 💪💪💪💪💪💪🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
#rad1oart#im going to crash SOOO hard in like an hour just watch#whatever i have a comm to finish i cant afford to crash rn#dawg my mom woke up and was like holy shit youre awake????? must be serious 😨😨#the only other times ive pulled an all nighter was to crunch the fuck out of school work (50 page horticulture assignment I DONT MISS YOU!!#the only allnighter my MOM knows of was in middle school when i had to crunch a fucking essay on the floor of my bedroom#she walked in and was like What The Fuck Dont Do That Again But Also Get That Bag#the acetaminophen is for my headaches and general body achesANIMALS BY NICKLEBACK 🔥🔥🔥🔥#gang ive been so loopy all morning the only thing keeping me together is this roadtrip playlist me and ollie made#its the rock and metal thats keeping me locked tf in. i am going to sleep in like an hour or two and i will hear the#echos of fucking sabaton in my head#also i keep hallucinating but i cant tell if i really am or if its The House Ghost#both maybe. probably both. 90% chance its both.#coffee tastes like ass btw i hate drinking this shit but i need to LOCK TF IN.#sorry im rambling i literally have barely spoken to anyoneOh Hello Millionaires Fuck Yeahanyways yeah#my dad was up working as always so i had occasional yapping with him about Whatever and then i talked to my cats and myself for#like 4 hours and then my mom and then i said hi to my brother when he audibly said Whar at me
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I will be productive today ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ
Let's go let's go~
#ahhhh#I'm hoping making a post about it will help me make it true haha#my brain isn't wanting to turn on so I am going to have more coffee#I've been setting daily goals for myself but the day goes by so fast??#I really hope I can get stuff done today even if it's already noon#I was having a paranoia episode where I thought I had poisoned myself even though realistically there's no way I could have#and tbh being awake is overwhelming and makes my brain hurt :')#I wonder what I'll do if I ever work outside of the house like am I always just gonna want to disappear all the time?#blegh#anyway#I am trying
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Well; my spirits have recovered! But my stomach and body are mad at me for skipping a day of meals. I could barely eat today, but I'm slowly getting there. But at least my brain is buzzing positively~ I do not feel like such a loathesome beast. Thank you to all of you wonderful people... You all know how to make a stupid echidna feel loved <3 I was an idiot to even consider suicide. I really don't know, what threw me off the path so hard... I suppose it was brewing for all of the month that I've been here. I won't get into my PTSD, trauma, and all of the things which bubbled up to the surface, the people which have their hands on me whilst I visit here... It's not a very positive thing... But I was stupid to try to take the easy way out. I know this.
The outpouring of support, it's made me realise that everything that was bothering me, we'll get through it, slowly, together... I'm going to keep on moving.
I want to live.
#I spent the night playing games with the partner.. watching n'oni draw and hanging out in VC with the others too... then tomorrow going to#the zoo... then the day after - monday - getting coffees with 'chos and pez and just chatting about stuff. tues evening hanging with Lachie#wednesday... Day of rest XD#go to sleep before renee wakes because he's been worried for me seeing me still awake. I am okay now!#you are all awesome.. and so many more people I have yet to even mention...
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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry
#the parasite talks#i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd#this is getting so sad#i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this#please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays#i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least#rn i will have to force staying awake#maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore#coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me#i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself#i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C#i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed#and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this#and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin#miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit
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guys i'm turning into a morning person!
#i used to think i was a night person because i could stay awake until at least 2 am without even thinking about sleep on most days#but now that im trying to fix my sleep cycle and all that I've become such a morning person#i love mornings i get so much time fo myself before work begins#i just wake up make coffee and a little breakfast and do whatever i want#and recently its just writin dairy whiskey
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self perpetuating torture cycle: getting instantly nauseous when drinking coffee but coffee is the only thing that helps u stay awake.
#energy drinks don't work anymore#i get ever more nauseous when drinking them now 😭😭😭#but i need to keep my eyes OPEN pls there is literally no healthy solution for this 👍👍👍#i am awake but at what cost (intestines dying. head woozy. feeling like shit as i take another sip from my torture coffee)
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i did tell you people i met a they might be giant right.
#I DONT THINK I DIDDDDDD like an insane person i left out one of the most bonkers moments of my california vacation#saying it now makes it seem like im making this up and the following story will seem made up but dude just trust me.#im fucking. ok sunday morning the morning of Thee Concert and i (used to waking up at 4-5 am) have been awake on and off since like 6 am#my friend? asleep.#now i enjoy waking up and falling back asleep for a couple of hours however by like 9:30 im starving i need BREAKFAST#like the very nice friend that i am i dont wake my friend up i let him sleep and leave him a message on my open laptop screen#because the fucking hotel room doesnt have a pad of paper?? so i leave my modern post it note of a message#saying that im going out for croissants and coffee#because im an idiot i severely misjudge how hot it's already gotten in los angeles in july#ive chosen to wear jeans (bad idea) and a long sleeve flowy black shirt (worse idea)#i also dont look my Greatest because my friend had been telling me dont wash ur hair before we curl it for the concert!!!#so this is my hair after flying in and everything the day before (It Needs To Be Washed)#im following google maps to the coffee place as i brave the streets of los angeles on a sunday morning#hollywood boulevard around the chinese theatre is insane btw. insane. but being from new york i am unfazed (well. a little fazed)#i am Sweating. its already gotta be 80 degrees. im also reaching critical hunger levels. but i continue on my journey#google maps leads me down a sidestreet and tells me to turn down some alley and im like well thats not right.#so i turn to go back the way i was headed and find another way to get to the coffee place#as i turn and head back up theres a guy going down this same block heading in my direction#i look at him and im like hey that guy kinda looks like oh my god it actually is him. mr john l of tmbg fame#and so i have a split second decision of like do i sayyyyyy something do i just ignore him while geeking out#somehow i decide to be bold and im just like gdjgmm hi excuse me i recognize you uh do you mind if i could get a photo#he was very nice and suggested we move into the shade and i took the photo trying to turn off google maps before i did#and i was like aa im seeing you in concert 2nite love your music thank u! and we went on our way.#i think i kinda like. stopped for a moment before i went on to the cafe and was like. that just happened??????? insane. but it gets better#i do finally get the coffees n croissants btw and get back to the hotel after melting in the heat#and my friend who likes tmbg better was losing his mind once i finally told him#so the following morning after our spars concert insanity we have breakfast at a diner and then head back to our hotel#and he's wearing a tmbg shirt he got and im in a spars shirt and as we're walking back a car horn honks near us#AND ITS BOTH THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IN A CAR and they say hi and are like we like your shirts!#and my friend and i are like losing it but trying to be cool and like oh thabk you we loved your show hi! so theres my insane story
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as tired as i am, having taken my morning vyvanse i think i understand why people drink coffee
#i am averse to bitterness and the effort of making something and also coffee makes me feel weird so i don't really drink it#but my adhd medications definitely help me function on days i get less than 10 hours of sleep loool#today i only got like 7 hrs tho because i stayed up until 1:40 and got up at 8:30...#nadia rambles#also yes if i don't take my adhd medications i do sleep for usually 9-10 hours a night#vyvanse doesn't necessarily make me feel Not Tired but it does help me feel a little more awake and focused
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Doin bad again folx
#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable#summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400#literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all#not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due#able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much#my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one#i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts#nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops#I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness#I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too#bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that#+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me#my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life#on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them#currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn#I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief#but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors#despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee#Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse#fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn#mine#txt#vent post#suicidal ideation tw#<- cry for help
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My foot has fallen asleep send help
#I am playing pa4 at 8am on a Sunday…#usually I am not awake but SOMEONE who I will not name#(his name starts with d and rhymes with misbehave)#woke me up at FIVE IN THE MORNING#and wouldn’t let me or Kepler sleep#when Kepler moves I am getting a second cup of coffee#Kepler#photo
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iiiiiiiii get to go hooooooooooome on tuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeessssdaaaaaaay!!!!!! woooooohoooooooo!!! yipeeeeee!!!!!
#i’ve been staying at my parent’s since i had surgery#and while it has been lovely#i am very excited to go home and cuddle my cats#and chat to my housemate bee#and use my own coffee mugs#and season my foooooood oh my god i have missed seasoning so much#but also at the same time i am going to miss my parents#i’m going to miss doing silly things to make my mum smile#i’m going to miss sneaking my dad cake when i get up in the night and he’s awake watching monk#i’m going to miss walking edie and ross
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Earth: dying people who care about the fucking environment and aren't fucking rich assholes: I can fix her <3 the aforementioned rich assholes: I can make her worse </3
#My brain is filled with coffee and tripeak solitare and I am !!!! getting silly !!!!!!#larkposting#I am sleepy and yet fully awake I am going to implode but kinda in a good way????#also i am going to post homestuck troll hcs sometime soob.....#<- by soon i mean either in like five minutes [comma] three tripeak/pyramid matches [comma] or tomorrow
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