#but i Hate it bc this isnt real life
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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everytime i look at how people compare the way russian citizens are treated in light of the russian invasion of ukraine and the way israeli people and jews are treated after oct 7th and it just.... you know, as a person who belongs to all of these cultures, it always feels extremely disingenuous to me and very untruthful
#just bc slavic xenophobia isnt as extreme and doesnt exist on the scale that antisemitism exists in doesnt like... make it okay#or justified. or means you get to dismiss it.#or that you get to pretend it hasnt been extremely ugly and in fact has existed long before the war!!!!#especially wrt people forgetting that russia's evil government is running an actual country where real human beings live in and suffer#and yes. they do. life is russia for the average person is uh. not good and hasnt been good for decades.#and no i dont think most of these people are any more pro ukranian than the antisemitic leftists are Really pro palestinian#and i think again people like to prop up their egoes by making themselves feel progressive and good. that much is similair.#i think they have just found a new and justified way to hate what they always hated but coated in progressive language#yeah the reaction to the rus-ukr war wasnt nearly as vile as to oct 7th. mostly bc nothing is as vile as the reaction to oct 7th.#yeah its not remotely the same kind of conflict. but that doesnt make it right? or okay? doesnt mean it didnt happen?
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jing yuan and yanqing are giving zhongli and xiao if the latter’s canon relationship was Actually fanon’s made up father figure/adopted child dynamic
#idkkkkkkkkkkkkk who looks at zx and is like 'you know what. this is a healthy parent child relationship'#like girl by fitting them into father son boxes you are actively making their relationship imbalance Worse#if you do that and dont shy away from it i respect that but if you say dad/son makes their relationship more wholesome or whatever like WHY#now i wont deny shippers might do that too but i see the dad son version so much i think im just averse to it by default#also because i think father son makes people actively Try to make their relationship something that its not and it erases a bunch of subtlet#subtleties in it. it's the nuanced r/ship -> entirely unproblematic and flavorless r/ship that i hate#also the number of people who'll block if you ship zx. like damn thats crazy you guys really think theyre father son (fake)???#at their peak they're like. 4000 year old guys who have too much history and repression and some weird entanglement of 'nah im bothering him#too much' and 'gotta protect him w my life' complexes. and then this devolves into theyre never gonna kiss until 3000 more years have passed#listen they just Contain Multitudes idc if you dont ship it just dont make it into dad and son and we will be so gucci#jing.yuan and yanqing are like different i think mostly bc yanqing is actually like a minor and jing yuan is also a normal ish person#plus the light cone and the abouts?? yeah this is an actual like adopted parent/child thing#also good or bad news i caved and am now playing hsr. the plan is to pull yanqing and then go on infinite hiatus in the game 👍#JWKFLJWEK i dont think theres really any draws for me besides him. personally neutral on turn based combat and the open world isn't giving#the only saving grace i have rn is 1) ive gotten to the part where bron.seele is real and man theyre gay 2) trailblazer trio 3) tall female#mc 4) everyone has way better emoting abilities than genshin 5) su.shang's really cute <3#the story doesnt really interest me though its like cool but not mindgrippingly interesting#tbf i think genshin is the same way storyline wise (at the beginning) but the difference is that turn based combat isnt really my thing LMAO#ramblings!#zhongxiao#if you want to filter it out ??
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I’m so sorry but will never ever ever ever ever be able to shut up about gregory maguire’s wicked. Like, sometimes you’re having fun talking with the fandom online, then you see a musical fan’s take that physically hurts you and you just wanna punch so hard through your computer you’ll reach whoever posted this shit’s shoulders and shake them back n forth while yelling “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT”
#like#omfg#i just cant i feel like dying everytime someone misinterprets glinda#and sometimes its just like shit that isnt left clear in the musical ver but other times its just adaptation issues#and THAT hurts even more bc tHE SOLUTION WSS RIGHT THERE WINNIE HOLZMAN#i still have no idea on how did whoever tf had the idea for adapting wicked even get to this point#like. making the story sillier is one thing but now were just onto whitewashing and taking away any of the political relevance f the story#anyways#off to go kms real wuick#wicked#wicked the life and times of the wicked witch of the west#wicked book#not exactly anti wicked anything just sort of generally annoyed#i like the musical fine if i dont think about it for more than five seconds#i apologize for ranting i hate being negative-
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If I see one more fucking system say endos are valid I think im gonna fucking eat someone
#do not.fucking.interact with me if youre an endo or support endos your entire existence disgusts me#no being.a system is NOT fun its NOT cool no iys NOT cosplay it is NOT having friends in your head its not fun#to have fictives bc “oh you get to talk to your fave character!!” fictives arent controllable anyway you very well could end up with a#fictive you fucking hate#you could have introjects of your abuser#having system members who sabotage or hurt you on purpose is not fun#being an endo isnt real you cannot have DID or OSDD without trauma#DID is complex trauma. thats what it is. its CPTSD with dissociation.#its nkt.funny haha character time#you cannot be a system without some form of dissociation or trauma.#and no you cannot “become” a system ehen youre older. ykure delusional.#i was severely abused and traumatized in my formative years and it led to dissociationy entire childhood and i have gaps of time miasing#from my mond#like yes i know i was abused i do remember some of the abuse i know i was beaten everyday and locked up in my room#and to see kids say theyre endos with 100+ alters with perfect communication makes me.SO ANGRY my disorder IS NKT YOUR PLAYTHING.#if you were an actual system you would fucking hate being a system iys not fun or quirky#yeah i LOVE not having my entire life in my mond#yeah i LOVE dissociating and forgetting days of my life#i love fhat i cant remember 8 months of my life because its just gone! goodbye! gone from my memory!#fucking endos#dont fucking interact if youre an endo i hate you
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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:')
#what do you do when you feel like everyone else in your friend group cant see or recognize how annoying a person is#sjshsksbsksnsksjs i cant stand her i get so annoyed when i see her or hear about her that ive just had to leave#and tbh my mental has been a lot better since......#idk its gotten to the point where i struggle ignoring her or being cordial because im just like “OH MY GOD get over yourself”#yeah were all sad it doesnt make you special and you arent the most sad either#people who make how depressed they are part of their personality / their only personality trait are my biggest pet peeve#and i think a big reason for that is i used to do that so i understand but like that will only make you continue to feel worse because#youre like always acknowledging the sad and youre building your life and personality around how sad you are to the point where you CANT get#better because sadness is part of who you are and it feels like losing that sadness is losing the only part of yourself you know and#understand#but no!!!!!#thats just how you stay sad!!!!#some people think if you arent sad forever then your depression isnt as real as other peoples and i think she is that way#which is another reason i cannot stand her bc she thinks im not depressed too just because i dont talk about it#bitch!!!!! ive tried to kill myself!!!! i have self harm scars that will never heal from 10 years ago!!!!!#but i dont make it part of my personality!!!!! why would i!!!!#ugh im so annoyed that i feel like i have to prove myself#and its like if im not depressed all the time then i never was depressed#when bitch i was put in a psych ward!!!!!#i hate her#tbh#im starting to think i cant go back#i miss a lot of people but bc of her i just hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#vgobvent
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okay but. success! all of my grandparents now know i'm trans and my preferred name!! they all took it well, if occasionally confused!! only six people left to go then i'm out to all of my family and can finally rest!!
#a biscuit's rambles#but also it went SO well#like especially my grandpa#i did NOT expect that#but theyre all chill and occasionally confused but definitely Trying#and basically everyone who knows is mostly using the correct name and stuff#so thats sosososo cool#just a few aunts uncles and cousins to go#tho tbh i might just leave the uncles to my aunts. bc theyll be the most complicated and honestly. were not that close#like. do i have to do that myself? or could i just wait for my aunts to do that#or until they ask why everyone calls me my chosen name#idk yet. at least one cousin already knows and just uses the correct name#instead of pulling the whole 'oh no not until biscuit tells me themself' after being told im literally not closeted#like i Get It if that person isnt properly out or anything but PLEASE coming outs are HARD and STRESSFUL#can you at least approach me yourseslf PLEASE like 'hey i heard u go by this name now' PLEASE IM OPEN AND OUT#this could be so much easier for both of usssss#so once again shout out to my cousin who heard im enby use that name and also im open abt it/not closeted and just rolled with that#altho do also shout out to my grandma bc while that was a bit complicated and Weird (tho i knew she supports trans folk for a while)#bc she somtimes calls me puck now and thats just the most accurate thing ever#anyway peace and love on planet earth even old and kinda conservative and easily confused people can accept you for who you are#in the end were still family and most real life people dont care about anyones genitals anyway#i mean. i am very lucky with my family and friends and other social contact through school and stuff#but still. it doesnt have to be that bad#and then internet just fucking loves amplifying a tiny but hateful minority#theyre dangerous and awful but still a vast minority
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Have you ever thought about how Linebeck describes Jolene as "crazier than a rabid squid"- only to then be possessed by a literal rabid squid later in the game?
Cause I sure have- especially after seeing a lot of your BellumxLinebeck stuff
mmmmghmm im gonna be honest i haven't thought about it much at all
linking it to my bellum x linebeck thoughts, im not too sure what to make of it in context with my other linebeck notes and w/e
there's also my idea that linebeck has a special interested in shellfish and by extension squids, and the idea of him having a weird thing for bellum, and just... enjoying sealife, and it's kinda of...
he compares her to a rabid squid to link in order to i think... offer a shorthand explanation of what she's like, and i think it (with some other stuff) is kinda just another little peek into how he might feel abt her?
i mean he also compares link to a dog in that one letter? i'm not sure where im going with that one. i dont think linebeck particularly likes dogs
i'm not sure abt the link between that and him getting possessed, jolene is kind of just... there a lot of the time and doesn't really do anything except 1) show that linebeck has enemies and 2) show that people know about link's quest by the end, linebeck generally references sea creatures a few times in ph
relating to bellum x linebeck, i dont see him comparing jolene to a squid an indicator of anything in relation to that, with linebeck having a thing for bellum its more of like. there's a lot of complicated ideas i have with what goes on between them during bellumbeck and bellum being a squid thing is more linebeck having a bit of a monsterfucker streak and having a bit of a thing for like. being tied up. as for literal squids he kinda just likes them as food and to dissect and learn about
like i think 'rabid squid' is more like linebeck just tossing out some derogatory shorthand to explain how he thinks of jolene as some fucking. violent annoyance he has to deal with that he doesn't fully understand
tbh i see the comparison but imo it comes down to a difference in characters and interactions and histories, there is the rabid squid thing (and i think in the manga too theres a vague parallel drawn ig) but im not. sure. what there is there just beyond. linebeck talks about sea creatures and wants to get the fuck away from jolene
i'm not entirely certain what you've been thinking about with that comparison, but i haven't been thinking much about it and it's kinda. eh ig???? its something
#asks#musicncomics#like im gonna be real jolene is a character i do everything i can to avoid half of the time#im not too sure what your thoughts on this are but i can tell you like jolene leagues more than i do so like. idk#idk i have a hard time talking abt jolene bc i Do Not like her so im not really sure beyond this stuff its just. idk#bellum also isnt a literal squid like looking at actual squids the most comparisons are surface level and dont work too deeply#he kinda just looks like one at first glance but 1) doesnt line up well enough and 2) we dont have enough info on him anyways#hes more a reference to a squid than an actual squid bc there is the reference to sperm whales and giant squids fucking hating each other#but while oshus is literal whale bellum is like. some thing in the shape of a squid#im not sure what parallels oyu can draw between the jolene thing and bellum thing. if anything theyre opposites?#w/ jolene its like things got so bad (or w/e) that he just robbed her n fucked off and she decided that was enough to warrant murder#while with bellum things get so good (w/ link and co) that he risks his life for em and is turned against them for it?#tbh this kinda comes down to me having a pretty negative bias against jolene and. that ship. so yeah sorry#im not gonna give this any main tags or anything this is way too far off the beaten path and kinda negative#idk i hc linebeck as gay and a lot of other linebeck hcs just kinda. suggest that he kinda had a really shit time w/ jolene#i dont like her im trying to figure that shit out so i can be like. fair at least in how i write her but i dont like her#salty talks#sorry that i keep tearing away from the rabid squid thing but its like a minefield when i try to talk abt anything w/ jolene#theres not a ton of parallels or like shared themes or w/e and its just too dissimilar in little ways that its just. a thing#ill add this in a few hours later idk if youll see jt but like. i can go in depth and discuss stuff#in dms like im fine with that its just weird in posts bc like tagging and my thoughts are a mess#like if you wanna elaborate on your thoughts thats fine
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you understand everything about me when you learn my first "celebrity crush" was mike shinoda
#like if u think i have it bad for pete wentz u don't wanna meet twelve yo me who though mike shinoda was the *dreamiest*#everything always goes back to linkin park. even fob 😔#and then they dropped an album so bad it made me hate them forever#and mike shinoda wouldn't keep his mouth shut and taught me the important lesson that some people are first and foremost gringos#and don't deserve my undying respect and support#and that's why today i can confidently call pete a poser and a loser who's trying to sell me bullshit#and on the same breath tell him how his silly nepo band shaped my life and how i would bend him over and hold him down while we cry#bc male celebrities are fake and meaningless and you don't owe them shit and they will disappoint you bc they suck ❤️#but that doesnt mean ur feelings and what you live through bc of their art isnt real and it does have meaning to you and thats what matters#just remember they're just dudes that happened to make noises that resonate with you#and that linkin park only has two good albums ❤️
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Whenever I see a mutual post dislike or hate for a kin of mine/a relationship (ship) between my kin and my kin's partner I have to try so hard to stay normal like I don't think people always know how serious otherkin is like that's me you're insulting that's my relationship you're insulting
#book of kells#alterhuman tag#i am genuinely dizzy#sometimes i do block people over this but i try not to#especially if theyre also mutuals with my partner#this isnt about any close friends or people i regularly talk with for anyone worried abt that#it's also tough bc i come across hate for one of my biggest kintypes a lot#and it's. hard. like im a better person than i was in canon.#thats not the real me. thats a misrepresentation.#and my partners in that life loved me very much#we get along and we're best friends and they would never hate me#(positive affirmations)
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pros of job: nepotism hire so i basically got it already, in my field of expertise, 3 days a week at full time pay rate
cons of job: working with my mom, i dont know what fucking name to use
#cro zone#my mom knows me as a name that isnt my birth name but is a deadname. bc im special#and she hates my full real name. but she also hates my deadname. so like. um.#but all my alternate names are 'girl names' which will baffle my mother who still doesnt grasp nonbinary#and i cant apply using my noun names either bc she thinks those are ridiculous#man i spent two years not having to live my life to please her and now i have to go back to it. killing meself
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jiwon is so nice.
#I WANT TO CALL SOMEONE ON THE PHONE AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. WHO IS READY FOR THIS.#first of all. 2 days ago we were in the car talking about moving to america (common conversation topic in this house)#and he was talking about how he imagined life would be there vs korea and his image of it is very nonspecific#he just said 'more time to enjoy life with you and our baby'#our baby. who doesnt exist yet. who isnt a thing yet. that he is still thinking about so much and feels so attached to that he has begun#commonly referring to it as a real thing. our baby.#ALSO today i was like having a slight crisis bc i started just absently talking about hagwon stuff and started to get upset thinking about#potentially having to do hagwon work for another year or even three more years and also going into a spiral because ive hated every job#i've ever had and he was like 'okay. 1) once we move to america you dont need to have a job once we have our baby for 6 years minimum.'#'2) if you hate hagwon work we simply WILL find some way for you to do SOMETHING else for the next 3 years once you get on the f#visa. dont worry about it.'#and i was like but i feel bad if i dont work and he was like 'well dont 🤨 idc if u work once we get established in america'#'u can if u want otherwise who cares' hes such a nice guy. wah. scream.#t
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god i wish i could watch streams just like. in general
it is so hard for me to Sit Down and Watch A Stream like even if its still live and not just the vod like i cant pay attention and its hard for me to engage with it
and this all fucking SUCKS bc i wanna watch the qsmp stuff so bad bc i took 7ish years of spanish in middle and high school and wanna brush up(i love language) but noooo its all streams
#no hate to the streamers or people who like streams this is a Me problem#sighs#i know therell be SOME videos and stuff and i might be able to handle some vods#but its still just a pain#and like if the vod isnt archived then its gone and if you miss the stream bc of Real Life sucks for you and its just!!! aargh.#bitchin just to bitch at this point
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She was on her smoke break and you just said something cringe to her. Prepare to die.
I do commissions!
#vampire: the masquerade#vtm toreador#vtm oc#rpg character#original character#as someone that hates cigarette smoke in real life. hear me out#aesthetically smoking is so so so hot#also jk she would never hurt anyone for saying cringe things#shes mostly a nice person :)#she also owns a fancy japanese sports bike#probably like a yamaha#i was looking at their hyper naked models for reference#she was a well-known artist but became a cringe fail flop after she died#cant go to as many gallery showings when its light until 9pm so business was the opposite of booming for her#her sire is a flamboyant second gen italian immigrant whos parents came to england in like 1900#and hes very bisexual bc i cant help myself. someone has to be bisexual here and it isnt her#he supports her artistic endeavours. and her graffiti endeavours. like a good dad should#roza#ghostart#wip
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clearing out my phone gallery is truly like a gunshot
#ive Stopped bc 98% of my xamera roll Will have remains of that fucker n after january 2022 i dont /^£#think im Ready dor that#bc . i forgot there was a life before that fucker (in a weird way) n HOLY DUCKING SHITT MAN#the lore. the fucking LOREEEEEE .#im bringing baxk my mind map actually fuxk tgis . were upgrading to a Whitebaors#that is . Hufe bx . going back thar far rlly was like a OH HONEY.....#anyway its fun why us one of my special interests the way ppl in my life connect its fuckign weird#i genuienly wanna be sick when i get like this bx CAN YOU be NORMAL abt PEOPLE#like ill b so real ! idk how well i hidw ir (i dont) but . i am just in general weird n obsessive abt ppl#and i sont Like It . bc girl.#anyway whatev er its 5am#i worked two shifts ronught and u know what . i sont Hate athis . i quite like working two jobs#i wnjoy my nightxlub job . but this lifestylw isnt substanxial long term lol#its vurning me out Quickly ill be So Real with you.#im just prayibg . i dont havw to work Tuesday
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