#but for real my goal is to pay off my student loans this year

[skeletalhorse]

First lewds of 2025 🥳

[genericpuff]

As someone who can't afford to go to animation school n adores your work- are there any advice or tips they taught you could share that transfer to art or comics? I know you talked about learning how to properly reference things which I admit I think I and a lot of other artists struggle with knowing how to do

Ironically enough, as much as I learned that I do NOT have the patience for animating (which is... ironic, considering all the patience that's required to make a comic LMAO) I did still learn a lot from it that I was able to take into comics. Storyboarding was one of the more obvious ones, as storyboards are basically just the "still versions" of an animation before it's been animated, with establishing shots, camera pans, dialogue shots, etc. all of which you'd find utilized in a comic.

Alongside that was learning how to draw consistently. Turnaround sheets are a shared practice in both animation and comics, they're necessary to creating an ongoing project that features the same core cast of characters. Learning how to draw the same characters the exact same way every time in a way that's both consistent and efficient is crucial.

That said, aside from those little starting tips, I do hope that some day you're able to find the means to go to school for animation or whatever it is that you're desiring to go into and learn. Yes, post-secondary schooling is expensive, and there are a lot of risks in pursuing a diploma/degree that can affect your future. That said, as someone who went to a school that literally no longer exists (like fr I don't even know if I can get my transcript anymore so for all I know, the year I spent in animation college only exists in the student loans that I'm still paying off, rip) I still learned and gained so much that I simply wouldn't have in high school or on Youtube. The biggest of which was the environment - being put into an actual dedicated space for learning art, with peers and teachers who were all unified in that space working towards the same goal, made so much more of a difference in my learning than I initially anticipated. I got so much feedback and guidance thanks to my instructors, and it really put me into a space where I was forced to try new things, I couldn't keep relying on the same tricks and comfort zones anymore. If it weren't for my instructors pushing me to step outside of that comfort zone, I never would have learned how to draw from life or use other mediums that subsequently became the foundations of the stuff I make today.

And while a lot of the things they taught I could have learned on Youtube or CTRL+Paint or Draw-a-Box, being in an actual classroom with grades and a schedule to abide by actually kept me moving in a forward direction and gave me so much more help on a personal level than some guy on Youtube could have given me reading from a script or, in this case, some rando on Tumblr responding to anonymous asks LMAO

Obviously, I'm never gonna recommend that anyone put themselves into financial ruin for post-secondary schooling, ESPECIALLY right now with the economy being what it is, but I do hope that if you genuinely want to go to school that you can find the means to do so, whether it's opting for community classes or applying for scholarships/bursaries/grants/etc or even just signing up for a local art class. Do your research on what's available and feasible to you - even art clubs can be super helpful in getting you out there and talking to people! As much as we may all be slaving away over our desks creating our next big piece, art is still a form of community and interpersonal communication - whether it's between you and an audience, or a peer with whom you exchange new ideas and feedback, or a mentor whose skills you hope to inherit and pass on to the next generation.

Until then though, keep creating and keep getting inspired. If you've never drawn from life before, set up a bowl of fruit and draw it as closely as you can to the real thing, or go to the food court and see how quickly you can sketch the people walking by before they're gone. If you've never tried storyboarding before, grab a piece of paper, find a scene from a live action movie you like, and storyboard it as if you were making an animated film. Try things! Fail at it! Try it again! See what happens!

[the-level-up-diaries]

Growth Mindset + Action = Manifestation

Last year I made a simple goal a degree before the next chapter of my life. It was a hard decision and was super taxing and scary, but after years of self sabotage I received my associates. This year I made 5 simple goals:

Enroll in WGU and complete a degree in 6 months

Pay off my student loan debt

Get a job paying over $65k

Get my credit above the 700s

Lose 50 lbs.

Here's the progress so far:

I enrolled, but had to re-enroll in order to get a new quicker business degree. I am almost done with a class (it only took about a week). I will be completing 2 classes a month.

I started out with $17k in student loan debt and officially paid off over $10k and I am on track to pay off the rest by the end of the year.

I hadn't even finished my course yet, but I received a job for an SDR paying $50k + an additional $22k in OTE = $72k + unlimited commission.

My credit was in the high 500s and this year I got it to 694 so far.

I haven't lost that much wait only 2 lbs but I still have 4 months and a lot can happen in 4 months.

This is my real progress and to be honest for years I had self sabotaged and didn't have a growth mindset I was very limited in my thinking. It wasn't until I accepted reality of "it is what it is" meaning that it doesn't matter what a situation should be, but accepting what it is. After you accept what a situation truly is you can began the steps necessary to change your situation. I have taken on a new mindset and started taking the time to heal that side of me that didn't believe in herself and I am officially enrolling therapy later this month. I also received a scholarship to learn business analytics. If you are stuck and in a rut I want you to repeat the words I have written below. Have an awesome day!

I am not my situation, I am not helpless, I will control the controllable in my life. I am powerful, I can learn anything, I am just as capable as anyone else. I am amazing, I can this. I can and will make my dreams a reality. My dream are possible. I am worth what I want in life. My work and effort will amount to a possible change in my life. I CAN DO THIS!

[superm4ks]

F1isms aside how are you doing? sounds like it’s been a rough half year, hope you’re hanging in there

🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀 tysm for asking🩷

I mean our fund raiser nearly hit its goal but tbh like it’s so crazy to me that so many people already wanna help us so like even irl I have family and friends who I thought wud come thru and didn’t. Like my aunt literally just called us this week offering COTA tickets and I was like . Can’t u just help pay a few medical bills. Can’t u send my mom some rent money because yk shes about to lose the house and she can’t get a job and we’re gonna be homeless lmfao. And my aunt was actually super offended that I was offended lmfao and now I feel like I shud have told her yes and then made another giveaway for those fucking tickets because fuck her. but whtvr. I think for some reason I just didn’t expect to feel so alone. Yk other people struggling wid their own shit but like. Me and Mrs kat have my mom, who’s can barely afford to feed us and keep us off the streets. Mrs kat parents came out all the way from Marseille to have Xmas wid us and it was nice ((I thought)) and now they refuse her calls and say they will send HER money but only her, under the condition that she dumps me because I’m holding her back wid all my baggage and my chronic pain and fucked up shoulder and addiction. And I’m black so I’m not right for her anyway 😐 I served these people food in my moms house lmfao.

Mrs kat got dreams of her own here tho she wants to finish her studies and pay off student loans like .. and she wants to be wid me. So her parents like cut her off completely and they stopped sending money a long time ago.

This shit is really fucked up and complex Im just trying to tell u , yeah. It’s been fucking rough. 😣😣😣 I do have a ‘job’ now which is something, I do errands for this like INSANE woman who’s prolly gonna get me arrested but she’s paying me weekly and that’s all that matters. My mom says I need to find something wid a contract immediately and that’s why I need the fundraiser money so we don’t completely become homeless while I search for safer options. I also need to go back to rehab and physio asap because I feel like I’m losing my mind and my benefits only afford medical physio from a shitty fucking clinic like once a month and it’s always full. I’m in pain all the time rn. I got duped into this extremely expensive surgery I’m STILL paying for and now it’s like they don’t care that I still need physio to actually getter better.

My cats are ok 🥹 Chica rejected some medicine for some stomach issues she had and had to back to the vet ((more bills 😭)) and it was scary but she’s back super stable and almost 100%. Calypso is SUPER pregnant, due prolly next month and we want her to have the babes wid us because it’s her first litter and she’s an anxious diva but that’s sm WORK and we’re kinda like NOW??? Ok. But she seems safer wid us, comfortable, and gonna be a real good momma. Chica has been incredible wid her too. They really be taking care of each other.

So yh if u still got some spare change u wanna throw our way my p.aypals is: kt.s.mays@gmail.com . U will also register for my bdays ((august 5th)) first anual ‘supermaks gives back’ where I pick a few of u thru p.aypal to send back my much beloved max merch as a thank u . I know this is dumb but idk what else to do. Idk how that’s gonna work either but I’m excited we’ll figure it out. Y’all been here for me twice now . Makes me wanna cry when I think of it too much.

I appreciate all yalls help wid all my heart. Just knowing there’s strangers out there who still want to c us fight to c another day and do better, bro that’s more meaningful to me than words can say.

I am hanging in there. Thanks to u

God bless u 🤍

[schizononagesimus]

You know what I'm gonna add to this here instead of in the tags. I'm homeless. It's not my first time; I missed most of 4th grade because my mom is disabled and had just escaped an abusive boyfriend. We were mostly squatting then, because one of our friends owned some real estate and would leave the apartments unlocked for us when they were unoccupied.

I was kind of born into this. Seriously, I see why people think we're a "breed". Most homelessness is chronic, and a lot of people can't fathom why. But here's one scenario that might help explain that:

Your family is poor. Your family isn't exactly mentally well, either, so you mostly don't speak to each other; you have to make your own family and support networks.

You manage to go to a prestigious university on a scholarship once, and then manage to get student loans to get your Master's degree in a city far away from home. You work all throughout school, supporting yourself completely on your own.

You do groundbreaking research that becomes internationally renowned, earning you keynote talks, grants, journal publications.

Naturally, you apply for PhDs. And you get in! Without funding. And it's $40,000 a year without living costs. You can't take anymore student loans out- you've already hit the borrowing limit. Your family can't help you. During all of this, your job experiences a budget freeze, and has to slash their office staff by half. Suddenly, you have no job, no family to help with living expenses, and nothing lined up for... God, rent is due in 30 days.

You apply to jobs, but thirty days is never enough time to find anything, so you set up a GFM. It gets close to the goal, but is $300 off, so you take out an extra credit card to pay the last of your rent for that month.

You can't afford that rent again, it's just too difficult to swing in your situation, so you decide to move back to the city your undergrad was in, since you have friends there who you could stay with and more job opportunities. You reduce everything you own to two suitcases and get the cheapest flight out.

You sleep on your friend's sofa bed for a couple of weeks before a shitty retail job comes through for you. It doesn't matter what the job is, or that the money isn't enough, it's a job to at least keep you afloat for a little while while you look for other employment.

The problem? You have to save up money for an apartment. Housing is already scarce unless you know someone. Subletting a room is really your only option to have a place of your own, since you can't get a cosigner with good credit to back you up since your own credit tanked because you can't pay off the credit card debt you got into to prevent yourself from being suddenly homeless. You also don't have 3x the monthly rent in income, or a crazy savings account, or the money for a deposit. So you still have to sleep on your friend's sofa bed, even though you have a job.

You try to look for another job, but you're working so many hours that it's difficult to find the time. You work on your feet, so when you get home you just crash. The management at your job isn't good. In fact, it's so bad that someone in upper management regularly "takes advantage" of you being a minority. Disgusted, you tell your direct supervisor. The day after, you're fired.

Out of a job (and now in the middle of a pro bono lawsuit), your friends let you sleep on their sofa bed for a little while longer. You had spent most of your paychecks paying off debt so you could get an apartment, so you don't have much savings.

But eventually, your friends just need the space, plain and simple; they have other friends and family to take care of. You have to find somewhere else, and so you sleep on other friends' couches, and stay in hotels people put you up in, and stay with your partner when their roommate is gone, and try to set up a petsitting gig that might get you through one more month. Your friends introduce you to other people who might be able to help, too.

You try to apply to jobs. It's really hard to find the time to apply between changing houses and worrying about money, not to mention that you have to cross your fingers and hope they don't want an in person interview because you don't have the clothes for it. You're lucky you can use your alumni status for a private space to take an interview in at the library.

You want to apply to PhDs again, because if you get funding then that's it--this hell can end. But applying to PhDs was the hardest thing you ever did academically and by itself took every ounce of your time and energy--jobless and houseless, you simply don't have that right now. Hell, the only reason you're eating is because a friend made you leftovers. How are you supposed to apply to PhDs like this?

This is what happened to me.

I still have other unhoused people come up to me on the street and ask for money, and I have to tell them man, me too. And sometimes we get to talking about how the hell we ended up here. In my experience, it's mostly people like me- not a lot of family, a minority, an education of some kind, and one bad day.

Having degrees doesn't guarantee a job, and having a job doesn't guarantee housing. A lot of the reason people stay homeless is because you don't have the resources to get a job (interview clothes, a good internet connection, a place to take a call), the job market is a nightmare, they then need to save up for a house, the housing market is a nightmare, and then there's the problem of being hungry and needing healthcare (and in most states, you can't get government support on that without an address). Not to mention the issue with women's shelters generally being full up, and if they're not, you can only have a small locker of items with you... So say goodbye to most of your clothes and other items and have fun trying to buy those back if/when you get back on your feet. So basically, you're homeless because you don't have a job, and you don't have a job because you're homeless, and the cycle repeats. This is why homelessness is chronic.

This is why shit like tent cities happen, and that's not an option for me because my city has the cops sweep them out nightly. That's somebody's home (and God that tent cost a lot of money). Mostly my friends are just trying to keep me out of the shelter so I don't have to rebuild my entire life again, more so than I already have to.

I will say, I feel lucky that I've gotten the donations and other help I've gotten. The problem with being any minority is that your support system is most likely going to be people who are just at risk as you are. I'm also lucky I'm able to have healthcare, because straight up if I didn't I'd be dead without my medication.

This is just one example, and it's very different than what happened to my mom because of her disability--but that's her story to tell.

PS- in the US, there are four definitions of homeless, so please, if you hear "I'm couchsurfing" or "sleeping in my car," please hear HOMELESS. A lot of people are too ashamed to say it or just don't know that that's what they are because they have clean clothes and technically don't sleep outside.

[enchantechante]

I love how you're very direct with your responses so I figured I'll ask for your advice.

Yesterday I was talking to my boyfriend and I asked him if he wants to learn about investing and real estate.I'm currently learning about it(after following your blog and seeing people kept writing in about it) I decided to do my own research and saw it's a lot of ways to become wealthy quicker.

He knows I've been studying almost every day about both,joining free webinars, networking etc.He says he's serious about us and knows how I am about finances.I'm currently working on bettering myself,losing weight and getting my stuff together. He's older than me(45) and works a regular 9-5 blue collar job,doesn't own a credit card or anything. He says he prefers having a debit card because credit cards aren't that serious and I try to teach him about building credit etc.

My thing is...he is a good person and treats me right...but I don't want to work for someone all of my life. He knows that.I feel like anon with the student loans,that's the only reason I'm working as a caregiver right now so I can pay off my student loans before I start investing and slowly getting into real estate.

He has the mindset of having a lot of money doesn't matter and it's all about the way you treat people. I agree to a degree but I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I am tired and drained working 12 hour shifts,messing up my body for $15 an hour. I want to be successful. I want more time for me. I want to travel the world. It just sucks that I know I might have to leave him during the process. We can be friends for sure but for now on I'm putting myself and my wants and needs first. I feel like if I don't I'll forever be running a rat race and I know I won't win,Tae. My mental has been a mess lately due to work and stressing over money for my student loans and taking care of my parents.

When I talk to him and he continues to refuse to learn about investing or real estate I just start thinking,do you think this is a game? I will leave you if you're not going to grow. I only have this one life and I have to make something of myself. I owe it to myself and honestly I'm just tired of crying all night and being pissed off with my life when I know I can change some things around.

Morning, Anon!

You know how I feel 🙃:

lol but before we're too hasty ✋🏾

have you explicitly told him you want xyz in a "husband"?

Does he know you aspire to a long term relationship with someone with more vision + work ethic towards that?

If so, leaving him shouldn't come as a shocker.

With any new role, it's best to vocalize your goals early and consistently. Make them known and follow up with the actions to match.

A lot of boyfriends feel like they can drag their mediocre bofriend-dom to infinity and beyond & act shocked that they didn't cut the mustard eventually.

Either they can meet the expectations or they can't. 💁🏽‍♀️ Either you're happy or nah.

He doesn't have to do exactly what you do as you do it. But he doesn't seem invested in the same financial goals as you. Or in his role supporting you along the way. Which I agree is a 🚩

His response when you explicitly state what you want long term will be telling. See his actions for what they are at that pt. Resist the urge to "assign" him a task.

He may do nothing and ignore you. He may ask you how it's going and start to schedule dates around your study time. He may open up about personal investing curiosities of his own.

Let him react to your standard organically. And look at his reaction soberly and patiently. Over a few weeks ask yourself, "If this continues for another 5 years or even in a more committed relationship - will I have what I need in a partner?"

And leave if nothing comes of this talk. Even if there is a little something but not enough for you.

I'm not even sure if theres enough evidence to suggest he would even be a good "friend" to you at this time. He may just be a slow leaking emotional energy drain bc he's not supportive, so much is pulling on you already and you feel it weighing down your momentum.

Always hoping for the v best for you, Anon 🙏🏽✨

-tae

[sesmantelar]

really thinking about the next stages of my life. I need to keep in mind that with whateer decision I make, that is not permanent nor is it the rest of my life and I can change things at any point. A part of me is very comfortable here in north carolina, and I really do want to keep it as one of my bases. the problem is, I don't have enough nor will I have enough money in time to deposit on a condo here. maybe if I can figure out my financial situation quick, I will be able to establish an actual solid base however, I need to get serious asap if I want that to happen.

I also need to remember that I can have my dollhouse and life anywhere - it's me that brings that energy and aura, not necessarily the location.

I want to get a new car. I think this is the year to do it as well because if I buy a new car like as my christmas gift to myself, I can work hard to pay it off in full prior to moving to europe, and then just have her shipped to whichever country I'm going to graduate school in.

I have an interview for another PRN job because I'm going to need my options lined up - and I want to be able to do overtime way closer to home (easier on me and my sanity, especially since it will be night shift work). I think the goal I will keep in my head is that if I can power through my online degree in the next few months as well as utilizing my overtime pay to compltely remove me from debt and get my savings up to where they need to be, I will buy the 2023 Mercedes GLA SUV for my christmas present to myself. it would be perfect! returning from my malaysia/japan trip and treating myself to my dream car! it will be such a proud moment for me because I never would have thought I would see the day. but before any of that, I need to check off the main requirements for purchasing her: get my credit score back to excellent, other than student loans take all my debt down to zero FAST, have savings up to 20k, be almost complete with my degree by january 2024, get an excellent score on the GRE, have an art business up and running, and submit art weekly to galleries as well as have neo and nova up finally, and be working towards your gold moves in the field by december. if all is achieved, trust and believe my beautiful (hopefully the rose gold!) mercedes will be under my tree this christmas. this is another thing im keeping to myself - love how I dont want to post my accomplishments anymore - I genuinely believe that the evil eye is real and I want no parts in negativity in my life.

outside of that, Ive been really inconsistent with my eating so starting today, Im doing OMAD and relying on low carb tea to last during the day, and the goal is to have a veggie/protein dinner once a day for nutrition and so I can start rebuilding my skating muscles/ stretngth. I have been a bit better about hydration, and I hope to make it habit that I will stick to again. the only thing I'm missing in this final equation for weight loss is exercise. if I start denying snacks again, finishing my fasts all the way through, drinking my iced lemon water (preferably up to a gallon), eating enough protein and doing the pilates videos I wanted to do, I know my body will come together in literally two weeks. I'm scheduled to leave work at 3 today but I'm planning on staying until 7 unless I really really want to go home at the end of the day. regardless, I have to use the time to stretch deeply, get my mobility back on track, ankles strengthened, muscles warmed up and ready for tomorrow. I'm likely going to get home, golden, do a pilates workout and stretch/do a mobility routine, do my evening self care, tune and practice the harp for tomorrow, and do the finishing touches on both drawings - submitting them to the gallery today, put all my clothes away, clean the entire apartment and do a quick mop.

at work today, I'm going to be studying for the GRE, reading a little bit of my book, researching more Swiss universities, and watching the business videos/working on my business stuff, rescheduling stuff that is happening tomorrow, and I want to start working on my colombia travel video. when I get home, I want it to be ice prep time, art time and harp time - as well as re setting my space. depending on how I feel, I may stop by the mall after work to pick up a new wall scent or candle because this mahogany taekwood wall scent does not smell appropriate for the dollhouse.

[historicallytired]

@stu-dna​ January Study Challenge 

Oh wow, here we go, first real post of my studyblr! I should probably make an intro post at some point but that’ll wait for later. 

Day 1: What did you achieve last year? What are you setting out to achieve this month? This year? 

So, last year was really transitional for me in that I made a lot of huge decisions but can’t put them into action until this year. So last year I managed to go to Costa Rica and begin my meditation journey and also start getting a read on how I’m going to become “that” girl in my life, you know? I also learned that I’m okay with letting go of control but I’m to addicted to distractions and bad habits that ultimately bring me down. Overall, I got a great starting point for who I am and what I want out of life last year. 

This month, I tried to set goals that would improve me overall instead of just in one area or the other. 

Physical goals: I want to comfortably touch my toes without any pain or bending my knees or rounding out my back. 

Educational: once the term starts I’m going to officially become a research assistant. 

Mental: I’m going to meditate at least 5 times a week. 

Financial: I’m paying off one of my student loans and learning more about the stock market. 

Personal: I’m applying for 5 different jobs, all in Europe! 

Over the course of the year, the biggest goal I have is moving to Europe! I want to start a new life in a new continent and completely change my surroundings. My dream grad school is in Scotland, so I’m taking steps to move there! I have a couple goals in terms of weight-loss for the year, but I’m not sure if sharing them would be a good idea, since everybody is in a different body and I don’t want to accidentally share anything toxic. 

Day 2: How are you balancing the holidays and your studies?

Since I’m not taking a j-term class this year I’m really taking the time to relax and organize my life. I love to read so I’m trying to finish off the Harry Potter series in one month (I’m already on book 2!) I’ll also do things like duolingo or khan academy (mainly their finance courses) or even touch typing classes online; it keeps my brain sharp mand my mind ready for class without actually burning myself out. I will say: my term starts on the 23rd so once that happens I’m going to be posting a lot more about classes and uni life.  

[leiawritesstories]

Piano for Relaxation

Happy Nessian Appreciation Week! I love these two together and I love writing them. Oh, this will be fun! *grins maniacally*

Prompt 3: Music

Warnings: Absolutely none

Word count: 1405

@nessianweek

~

Despite how much stress she was under, and as a pre-law student her default stress level was “high,” Nesta Archeron never failed to spend a spare bit of time at a piano. Some days, she was lucky enough to steal an hour with the University of Velaris’s prized Bösendorfer grand, which lived on the stage of the concert hall, some days she settled for the baby grand in the recording studio, and some days, she was relegated to one of the crappy and usually out-of-tune uprights in the practice rooms. 

This Thursday evening, she’d managed to get into the performing arts hall before it “closed” for the night. She scoped out the practice rooms and recording studio, mentally scratching the studio off her list of pianos since the “recording in progress” light above the door glowed red. Daring a peek into the concert hall, she smothered a little squeal. The stage door was unlocked, and probably would be for the rest of the night, leaving her free to play the best quality piano on campus. 

She carefully placed her messenger bag by the leg of the piano, retrieved her worn brown leather music portfolio, and set it on the piano’s smooth music rack. Going through her usual warm-up motions, she stretched her fingers and hands, shook out her wrists, and rolled her neck. Then, with a musician’s soft pre-performance exhale, she lowered her hands to the polished ivory keys and began. 

With scales, of course. How else would a musician begin practicing? Fifteen years of piano had ingrained a set of warm-up exercises into Nesta’s muscle memory, and she played methodically through each, from scales to arpeggios to rhythmic exercises, chord progressions and exercises, and her old nemesis, octaves and tenths. 

Now fully warmed up, Nesta opened her portfolio, closed her eyes, and leafed through the scores, opening her eyes after a brief moment. Her gaze landed on the page and swept to the top, seeking the piece’s title. As it happened, she’d passed the first page, so she flipped back a few pages to reach the beginning. 

Rachmaminoff Piano Concerto no. 2 in C Minor, Op 18, II: Adagio sostenuto. 

A favorite.

And an extra challenge to play solo, sans the orchestral cues. 

Nesta debated pulling up a recording of the concerto for background, but decided against it. Using the cues and her knowledge of the concerto, she merely played the first few chords, then slipped gracefully into the floating melody, doing her best to make the music a true sostenuto. 

Her whole focus shifted to her hands on the keys as she played, all sense of her surroundings lost to the lush concerto. Rachmaninoff might have been one of the banes of pianists’ existence, but damn her if she didn’t love playing him. Especially as her very favorite mid-movement run came up. Her fingers flew over the keys in an intricate dance, rolling out the spritely chords and arpeggios, trilling up to the top of the phrase, and slowly descending back into adagio. This movement, one of her comfort pieces, never failed to drive away the pressures of her degree, not even when she was playing bits of orchestral accompaniment with the piano solo. 

So deeply lost in the music was she that she didn’t even register the footsteps that crossed the stage, or the presence of another person by the piano. 

Her consciousness lifted from the piano as she played the final chords, letting them decrescendo into silence before opening her eyes. And then nearly slamming her knee into the underside of the keyboard as she started. 

“God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” gushed the blonde woman standing by the back of the piano. “I just heard Rach II coming from the hall and had to listen, and then find out who was playing it so brilliantly.”

Nesta flushed. “I’m all right, and so is the Bösendorfer, and thank you so much but I’m definitely not brilliant.”

“Yes, yes you are. Or at least that was. I’ve played piano for fourteen years, myself, and never once have I been able to perform Rachmaninoff like that. Aelin Galathynius, by the way,” said Nesta’s audience. 

“Nesta Archeron. Fifteen years, myself. And before you ask, no, I’m not a music major. That’d suck all the joy out of playing.”

Aelin nodded. “Amen to that, and nice to meet you, Nesta. I’m not in music either, but I do play sometimes, usually when I need an escape from the living hell that is cardiology. I’m hoping and planning to be a surgeon. Hooray for expensive schooling!”

“Good Lord, that sounds horrible. But as an aspiring lawyer, I’ll toast to years and years of expensive school and then more years of struggling to pay student loans on a crappy salary.”

“Ooh, a lawyer. Do you have a specialty in mind?”

“Civil, preferably business litigation. I want nothing more than to stop corruption and see that companies are receiving all of their rights, and this is my path to that goal.”

“Impressive. So is Rachmaninoff just a side hobby of yours, then?”

Nesta smirked. “Yes and no. Yes, it’s not my main focus, but no, it’s more than a hobby. It’s how I relieve the intense stress of my life.”

“Me, too,” grinned Aelin. “You know, there are currently two grands on this stage…”

Nesta looked across the stage, where the music department’s other grand, a mahogany Steinway, sat. “That there are. Care to join me? You pick the piece.”

Aelin’s grin turned devilish. “Good thing I warmed up in the recording studio, then.”

Nesta smothered the questions she longed to ask as Aelin carefully folded back the cover of the Steinway, sat down, and shook out her hands. 

And launched into the opening chords of Saint-Saëns’s Danse Macabre. 

With a smirk to match Aelin’s, Nesta took up the phrase. Fresh indeed was the memory of playing this very piece as a duet at age sixteen, with her teacher as the second pianist. Two skilled pianists plus two excellent-quality pianos plus one magnificent piece equaled the notes echoing through the dark, empty concert hall. The Danse wound down, final notes fading into silence, and Aelin and Nesta looked at each other and burst into a two-woman round of applause. Which somehow became a six-hand round of applause, causing both women to turn sharply toward the stage door and notice a broad male frame taking up most of the doorway. Nesta rolled her eyes. 

“You know, most people would either walk away when the piece ended or make their presence known to the pianist,” she deadpanned. 

Cassian Ilnair flicked on a backstage light, granting a view of the grin creeping across his face. “I’m not ‘most people,’ sweetheart.”

“That much is obvious.”

Observing the exchange between the two, Aelin smirked, closed and covered the Steinway, and headed for the door. “I’d better leave you lovebirds alone. Whatever you do next, don’t do it on the Bösendorfer!” Snickering, she left the concert hall, footsteps clicking off towards the dorms.”

“She seems delightful, who was that?” inquired Cassian. 

“Aelin Galathynius, probably my new piano person,” was Nesta’s reply. “Now if you’re done gawking at a real instrument, I need to close up the piano, finish an argument and sleep, preferably in that order.”

“You won’t play for me?”

“Cass, I’m entirely sure you just listened to that whole duet and probably some of the Rach I played before that.”

Cassian widened his eyes in innocence. “But that wasn’t for me, Nes. And Aelin’s right, you are brilliant.” He placed a finger to Nesta’s lips. “No protesting, Lawyer Archeron, you and I both know I tell no lies.”

Nesta snorted. “Right. I am serious about the sleep, though.”

“I know, I know. Far be it from me to deny a chronic insomniac her precious sleep.”

“Uh huh. About as far as your bed is from your minifridge full of caffeine and alcohol.”

“Touché, sweetheart.”

Closing the stage door behind her, Nesta headed for the campus apartment buildings, Cassian at her side. 

“I mean it, Nesta. You’re a brilliant pianist, whether or not you believe it. And you’re going to make an even more brilliant lawyer, sleep or no sleep.”

“Don’t be smarmy, Cass.” But she was smiling, softly, as her fingers tapped out a bit of Rachmaninoff on the soft, worn leather of her sheet music portfolio.

[write-orflight]

Like Real People Do. Chapter 3

*Gif not mine*

Prologue  Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Rating: M, eventually will be smut.

Words: 2.5k

Warnings: Sexual themes, talk about sex (not NSFW though), 

Request: OPEN/CLOSED

A.N Y’all are really benefiting from my insomnia rn. I do have a plan to go back to my regular posting schedule but for right now enjoy the things starting to happen. Much love, Cia

       Chapter 3: The bugs and the dirt  

You’ve been on the team for about 6 months now, and you were loving it. Sure it was long hours, constant danger, and mounds of paperwork but you couldn’t be happier. You felt like you were doing what you were meant to do. The team had fully accepted you in the family around month 2. You and Morgan had become close after your “personal day” in October. He expressed that he knew what it was like to lose a parent and though he’d never understand losing both so quickly he offered you condolences and free drinks with him and Prentiss that night. Since then, the 3 of you have become good friends. 

There was always the occasional girls night with Emily, JJ, and Garcia, Dinner at Rossi’s and afternoon picnics with Hotch and Jack(which eventually just turned into you babysitting Jack while Aaron took a deserved nap). Your favorite however, was Saturday’s with Spencer. 

The two of you had fallen asleep that Friday night him and Garcia came over to watch Doctor Who. You woke up laid on top of him, legs tangled while your head was resting on his chest tucked under his chin. His arms were wrapped around you, hand resting heavily on the small of your back. You try to get up without waking him but of course you do, he startles awake in turn startling you causing you to fall off the couch. 

“Oh, Y/N,I’m so sorry--” He starts, immediately flushing. He stands to immediately help you up.

“No worries, Spen. Not made of glass.” You laugh. 

He blushes more at the new nickname. “Spen?” he asks. 

“Uh, yea.” You say. “Do you not like it?” 

“No-no, I like it.” He says. 

“Ok then.” You smile. “Do you have plans today?” He shakes his head. “Well, Saturday’s when I usually get coffee and work on homework at a cafe down the street, do you maybe wanna tag along?” you ask. He nods furiously. 

And every Saturday you guys had free since Spencer would meet you in the small cafe near your apartment. He would order an Americano with an ungodly amount of sugar and you would get a cold brew, despite it being winter still and you would sit and talk while you did work. Often he would help you with your thesis, telling you things you should add or consider. Sometimes you would just sit and talk about books you’ve both read or often you would explain the plots to various reality shows you know Spencer would never watch but he would sit and listen intently just like he did with everything you said. He treated every word that came out of your mouth like it was the most important thing in the world, treated every minuscule fact he learned about you, like it was treasured information to solving the mystery in front of him. You had become his personal cryptid. 

Of course the rest of the team had caught on to your Saturdays together, you worked with profilers and a very gossipy tech analyst. The amount of times you two had walked in together from being called in for a case last minute was enough to give you away. You thought back to a very uncomfortable conversation you had with Hotch one morning. You had come to drop off files JJ just pawned off to you to take upstairs. You held up your hand in a small wave walking into the office door. You put the files on his desk, starting to walk out when he stops you. 

“Y/N, we need to talk for a second. Close the door.” Hotch says. You nodded closing the door. You immediately tried to rattle off everything you’d done wrong to Hotch that could possibly warrant a talk. I forgot his coffee order that one time it was my turn, I missed Jack’s birthday once, I took a nap in the file room. You thought, all weren’t good but none warranted a closed door talk. 

“Yes, sir?” you ask, he gives you a weird look before it dissipates into his usual scowl,  neither of you used to the professional formalities still. 

“I’m sure you’re aware of the FBI’s fraternization policy.” He says. 

“Yes, sir…?” You say, not knowing where he was going with this. You weren’t fraternizing with anyone and no one knew that more than you except maybe your right hand. 

“Now there’s things I’d be willing to overlook as long as you don’t let it affect your work. But you would have to tell me and you would have to fill out an office relationship form--” 

“Whoa-wait a second.” you say. “What’re we talking about?” 

“If there’s something going on between you and Spencer you would have--”

“Hotch! There’s nothing going on between me an--What?” You say, you knew you had to be beet red right now. God this is humiliating. You thought.

“Really?” he said. 

“Yes! There’s nothing going on.” 

“But you guys have been together every week--” 

God, how did he even know that. “He’s helping me with my thesis, Hotch!” you exclaim, if this conversation continued you were going to be the same shade of red as the shirt you were wearing. “Why do you even know about that?” 

“Garcia.” he says, matter-of-factly. 

Of course, Garcia. 

 “Well, there’s nothing going on so now you can save the fraternization speech for someone else.” You move to stand. 

“You want there to be.” He points out. “Something going on, I mean.” 

“Oh my god. Aaron, I have a deep amount of respect for you and I revere you very much as a role model.” you say. “That being said, I will not be discussing my nonexistent love life with my boss! Jesus!” You exclaim. You see the smile ghosting his lips. He always enjoyed embarrassing you. “Can I leave now?” you asked. 

He nodded, waving his hand to dismiss you. You walk out of the office back to your desk, conveniently across from Spencer’s. 

“What did Hotch need?” He asked you. 

“Nothing!” You say instantly. Spencer just shrugged, returning to the file he had been reading.

---------------------------------------

Now you were here in the present, at a bar with the team celebrating the final results you had gotten back on your doctoral thesis. The Diploma hasn't come in the mail yet but it was official, you were officially Dr. Y/N Y/L/N. 

“To Dr. Y/N.” Garcia said, raising the shots Prentiss had just handed to you, Morgan and JJ. Rossi and Hotch raised their beers and Spencer clinked his water he’d been nursing to your shot glass. You smiled at her, before taking the shot quickly grimacing at the harshness of the alcohol. 

“Thanks, you guys.” You say, smiling widely. Your plan before to celebrate your doctorate had been to draw a bubble bath and try not to think of the student loans you’d accumulated. But of course Garcia being the genius and snoop that she was found out your results and insisted on a night out. 

“Y/N.” Emily said, getting your attention. “I think you should get the next round of drinks because that guy at the bar has been staring at you all night.” She said, leaning close to you to point at him. You look up to see a fairly built, tan man, with brown eyes and a well-maintenanced beard. Due to the amount of drinks you had and your inhibitions lowered, you smile at him automatically. He smiles back, lifting his drink to his mouth still looking at you. You look back down. 

“I don’t know, Emily.” You say, looking down at your mixed drink. 

“Come on, Y/N. We both know it’s been a while and you said you weren’t going to focus on that until you finished your doctorate.” Emily smirks, nudging you. “Now you’re finished so, come on, write him a prescription, Doc.” She laughs, inducing a few giggles from the rest of the group. Except for Rossi and Hotch who weren’t paying attention and Spencer, who seemed bothered but you didn’t know by what. 

“Hold on, mama, I have to know what a while means.” Derek says, laughing. 

“It means a while~”  Emily says, exaggerating the last word so that it was extra long. 

“Yea, a long~ while.” Garcia says, joining in, giggling all the while. 

“Ok, didn’t know you guys were moonlighting as comedians.” You say sarcastically, rolling your eyes. You turn towards Derek, the alcohol clearly lowered your inhibitions enough to answer his question. “I mean, I went through the phase everyone went through in the first couple years of college. Partying, drinking, and unfortunately ending up in a frat guys bed, but after a while I realized that I had different goals then most of my peers so I put all my focus on getting my degrees. I’d say that was when I was what? 19?” You said, recalling. 

Morgan almost did a spit take, “6 years?” 

“Don’t make it sound so incredulous!” You say, drinking your mixed drink. “I was busy!” 

“Sounds like you and Pretty boy can start your own celibacy club!” Morgan says, patting Spencer back, laughing. 

“I’m not celibate, Morgan.” Reid says, rolling his eyes. 

“Pfft,” you blow a raspberry, incredulously. “When’s the last time you’ve gotten any?” Whoa, you had to have been drunk because you never would’ve asked anything like that sober. 

“It certainly hasn’t been 6 years.” He says back to you, smirking over his glass of water. 

“Whatever.” You roll your eyes. “Seriously, When?” 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” 

You would. 

You would very much like to know. 

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter because I’ll still be the last one after I go get that guy’s number.” You say, downing your drink for liquid courage before standing to go to the bar, towards the guy who had been looking at you before. Sure, your game was a little rusty but you were a profiler and now a doctor of psychology, men were...simple. 

Reid watched  you go, your hips swaying way more as they usually do as you sauntered towards the man her and Prentiss had been talking about before. He saw you smiling at the guy who had just purchased you another drink. You trailed a hand down the man’s chest, as he moved closer into your space. Spencer looked away, he was going to be sick if he kept watching that. 

“Hey, Emily, do you see that?” Garcia said.

“No, Penelope what is it?” She said indulging her. 

“It’s our friend, slowly turning into the green eyed monster.” Garcia said looking back to Reid, the table erupting in laughter. 

Reid leaned back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Sure, you don’t.” Emily says, rolling her eyes. “Look Spence, If you like her you should say something and if you don’t, you can’t get upset about her looking for something else out there.” Spencer didn’t say anything to that, opting to turn his attention back to you. He watched you laugh at something the guy had said and a smile crossed his face. That wasn’t your laugh, he knew your laugh. Your real laugh, and thanks to his eidetic memory he could (and did) replay it whenever he wanted. He knew your laugh and that wasn’t it. 

He watched as you sauntered back up to the group. He already had trouble focusing on anything that wasn’t your body most of the time and the dress you wore tonight didn’t make it any better. A simple, deep blue dress that held your curves perfectly with a large slit up the leg that was probably to make it easier to walk in though right now all it was doing was distracting Spencer. You slid into the both back next to Prentiss. 

“So…” Emily said, smiling. “How’d it go?”

“Oh, I got his number.” You say, nonchalantly. You knew you would, it’s not like regular men were a challenge to you. Every man wanted 2 things; to think they’re funny and to think they’re smart. 

“Nice!” She says, holding her hand out you instantly slap it with your own. “Are you going to call him?” 

“Probably not.” You shrug. “We’ll see if I get bored this week.” 

That causes all the girls in the group to giggle. The night continued, more drinks being put in your system by your friends who want you to truly celebrate. Eventually Rossi and Hotch leave, both hugging you tightly, Hotch whispering a quick “I’m proud of you” in your ear. You smile brightly back at him.

Towards closing time you all leave, you’re a little more sober than before but you’re definitely still tipsy. You all say your goodbyes, promises to see each other at work then Spencer stretches an arm around your waist, ushering you to his car as he agreed to be your DD before.    

He slides you into the seat before climbing in on the drivers side. 

“Thanks Spen, I know you hate driving.” You say, patting Spencer on the leg. 

“No problem, Y/N” He smiles back at you, before turning his attention back to the road. You notice your hands still on his leg. He hasn’t tried to move it or move away from it so the alcohol in your system decides to take a risk and inch your hand up his thigh. One of his hands leaves the steering wheel immediately grasping your hand. 

“Stop.” He says, not sounding entirely convinced that’s what he wants himself. So you ask. 

“Do you want me to stop?” You say, innocently. 

“Obviously, I don’t want you to stop but you’re not sober so you have to.” He says, moving your hand back to your own lap. You decide it’s probably best to concede and lean your head against the cool glass of the window as street lamps roll by. 

Eventually, you make it back to your house. You sigh before turning to Spencer. 

 “Thanks again, Spen.” You say, moving to grab  your bag and the door handle. “I’ll see you at work.” Before you can move fully, Long fingers are circling your wrist. 

“You shouldn’t call him.” He says. 

“What?” You say, dazed by the close contact between you two. 

“The guy from the bar. You shouldn’t call him.” He says. 

“Why not?” You ask. You know the answer, or you think you know the answer but you have to hear him say it. You need to hear him say it. 

“Because I-” He cuts himself off. “I don’t know.” he says, looking down very dejected. 

“Well…” You say. You lean close to him. You guys are close, so close if you wanted you could kiss him and you know he would let you by the way his eyes flutter, pupils dilating instantly when you do. “Will you tell me when you figure it out?” You ask. 

He nods, letting go of the wrist you forgot he was holding. 

“Well then.” You say, getting out of the car and leaning through the open window. “Goodnight, Dr. Reid.” You smile. 

“Goodnight, Dr. Y/L/N.” He smiles back, before driving into the night.

Taglist: @haylaansmi​     @yoruebeautiful​ @kianagilder-blog​ @l0ve-0f-my-life​ @bihoeofmanyfandoms @dreamer7black​ @baby-banana​ @drreidshands​

[writingdotcoffee]

#153: The Uncertainty of Being a Writer

This week's post was supposed to be about Writing Analytics, but I had to delay the launch by a week. Stay tuned for next week!

One of the hardest questions that writers face, particularly in the early days is: ‘Will this thing work?’

Will the hours that I pour into this endeavour pay off? Would I be better off doing something else?

What if you spend the next ten years writing books and short stories and trying to get them published. No major publishers pick them up so you decide to self-publish and only sell a handful of copies. What then?

Luck does play a part in success – from being incredibly lucky or awfully unlucky. You may do everything right, and it may still not happen.

It sucks thinking about things like that, but that’s what’s been on my mind lately. The uncertainty is real. It will get to you eventually, so why not deal with it early?

Writing your first book is a particularly uncertain business. For a long time, you're toiling away on your own. You have never done it before, and you have no idea whether what you're doing will be good.

When you're in the book-writing trenches, it's easy to fixate on the end goal. You're doing whatever it takes to get the book over the finish line – working nights and weekends, skipping pub with mates, abandoning hobbies.

I'll finish the book, and then it'll be all good, you think. But what if it isn't?

Tim Ferriss – a best-selling author and famous podcast host – has an exercise called fear setting. Years ago, he did a TED talk about it which blew up. The idea is to spend time with your fears. Imagine that what you fear the most does happen. What then?

Let's say you're 35. You look about 45 because, over the past 10 years, you've spent every free moment outside your job pursuing writing. You're always twitchy, particularly when around other people.

You can no longer log in to Instagram because all your friends have kids, big houses, flashy cars. You're nowhere near repaying your student loans.

You signed with an agent for the fourth full manuscript that you've completed, but no publisher would buy it. Now she's writing to you to terminate your contract in 30 days. Ouch.

So what can you do to prevent this from happening?

1. The Journey, Not the Destination

As cliché as that sounds, you should do whatever you can to enjoy the time when you're working on your book. The journey might be all that you get, what can you do to enjoy the ride?

Are you learning skills that you could apply elsewhere? Maybe you can connect with like-minded writers and start a writing group? Could switching genre make writing more enjoyable?

Write for fun, first and foremost.

2. Practice Healthy Detachment

Notice what happens when you go to an interview for a job that would be nice versus a job that you desperately need. The anxieties that we have shape our behaviours and performance. Worrying about being successful might just be what makes you miss the mark.

If you make wanting to be an author a part of your identity, it will be hard to deal with all the rejections that come along the way.

3. Don't Abandon Everything Else

Every once in a while, someone talks about how not having a plan B was what gave them the motivation to hustle. I don't buy it. It might have worked for them, but there are dozens, hundreds and thousands of others who also didn't have a plan B and failed, and exceptionally shitty times ensued.

Keep your friends. Keep your hobbies. Keep your job. You can always abandon them when you're rich later.

So do I think it's worth pursuing a career as a writer? Absolutely yes.

In an alternate universe, you're 35, married with kids, living in a modest house that you own. You've been writing for 10 years, and while no publisher ever bought your book, you've had a blast writing them.

Every Thursday night, you meet your writing group downtown. They're like your second family. Your jaw hurts from laughing every time when you come home.

Juggling your work, family and writing isn't easy, but you're not in a rush. You're working on a novella in a series that you've been publishing on your blog. The deal is that if it makes more than $100 in profit, you're buying drinks for everyone.

And in another universe, in a galaxy far, far away, you're on your way back home from a successful book tour that coincides with the release of a brand-new Netflix film which is an adaptation of your most famous novel. You're looking at the lights outside as the plane takes off. The PR round was exhausting. It's about time to start thinking about what will you write next...

Thanks for reading ❤️.

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Past Editions

#152: Working with Creative Constraints, July 2020

#151: My Favourite Writing Podcasts, July 2020

#150: The Business of Making Art, July 2020

#149: All That Matters Is What You Leave on the Page, July 2020

#148: Keeping a Victory Log, June 2020

[bettsfic]

hi, i was reading your years in review and i noticed that you quit a job of many years to go your own way. i was wondering if you would mind talking about this decision/if you struggled with it? idk i've always told myself that i wouldn't let the idea of a "career" get in the way of what i want (e.g. writing) and that one day (shortly after 30?) i would just quit whatever job i had and go my own way, but as that deadline comes up i find it harder to imagine how i could just uproot myself...

yes, i very much did struggle with the decision to quit (what i thought was) my very stable and lucrative career in finance to get an MFA in creative writing. it’s a bit of a long story so i’m putting it under a cut.

warning for suicidality and sexual assault.

i used to believe i grew up poor, but it was the 90s so poverty looked very different. my dad didn’t work for a long time, and so we only had one income, and we lived in an apartment that was kind of a lowkey hoarder home. as a kid, all i knew was that i didn’t get to have toys, or my own space, and i wasn’t allowed to have friends over. the concept of an allowance was totally alien to me. but it also wasn’t like i ever went hungry. the food we had wasn’t particularly healthy but it was always there.

i didn’t really realize how much that instability affected me until much later, when i noticed other people hadn’t lived their entire lives aware of and obsessed with money. i used to compulsively count the change in my piggy bank and beg my mom to take it so she could pay her taxes (i didn’t know what taxes meant, i just assumed they were the reason we couldn’t afford nice things). 

my safe haven was always my grandparents’ house, which was clean and had semi-healthy food and the door was always open. my grandpa was a high school chemistry teacher. my grandma worked at a bank. growing up, i had no idea what she did at the bank, just that it sponsored all the fun things we did, like going to amusement parks and baseball games. my parents never took my sister and i on vacation, but every year, my grandma would drive us to visit our family in missouri, which, even though it only cost the gas to get there, seemed like a wild indulgence to me.

i started working at 16 so i could have my own money. by 17 i was working illegally full-time and getting paid under the table. then i bought my own car, and shortly after i turned 18 i got my own apartment. even though i could pay my bills, i was still terrified about money. i thought about it all the time. i checked my bank account multiple times a day. i was a cashier at a restaurant and i would often open my drawer and just stare at the money or count it when i was bored.

but i hated working at the restaurant, and one day i thought to myself, how can i keep the money part of this job but lose the food part? then i remembered my grandma’s career at the bank (from which by then she’d retired), and that afternoon i sat down and applied to be a teller at the very same bank. obviously the bank was very large and it wasn’t like my grandma was in management. she worked in ATM operations. nobody on my hiring committee knew who she was, and honestly i have no idea how i got the job.

i stayed a teller through college, working 25ish hours a week. it didn’t pay very well and i was still nervous about money, so i picked up a job altering bridal gowns on evenings and weekends, and also an admin job at my university. so i was working 60ish hours a week, plus going to school full-time and trying to keep up my 4.0. in retrospect, i can’t remember how necessary all this was. i know i was living in an apartment whose rent was higher than i could afford, and i lived with my boyfriend who was struggling to find a job. anyway, it was definitely the lowest time of my life, and i was so exhausted that every day i hoped something horrible would happen to me so i could be hospitalized and rest. 

then something horrible did happen. my dad died. and even though everyone in my life was telling me to please dear god take a break, i did not. 

i got promoted to business finance, which paid what seemed at the time to be an ungodly amount of money. i was still part-time and finishing up my undergrad degree. once i graduated, i got promoted to full-time. for the first couple years, i really did try to be a banker. i was good at my job only insofar as someone who is left-handed can write with their right hand if forced for long enough. it felt very much like i was in the wrong place, but by that point i had so much unchecked trauma that i had convinced myself the highest human ideal was misery and deprivation. i wish i was kidding. i was the definition of ascetic and martyred myself. i didn’t believe happiness existed. work was all that mattered to me.

then i bought a house. so at this point, i had student loans, a car loan, a mortgage, and credit card debt. after my dad’s death, my mom had to file for bankruptcy because of all the medical bills. she abandoned her house. by this point i was 23, single, in six figures of debt with no familial support net, but i was making decent money at the bank, so it wasn’t like i was drowning. in fact i was doing pretty well. the bank was a rock in my very turbulent life. i got a lot of vacation time that allowed me to travel a bit. i had insurance and a matching 401(k). it was really a decent job.

but the bank was also in many ways an abusive relationship. i don’t mean that metaphorically. i had bosses who manipulated me, insulted me, humiliated me in front of other people. i had one boss who went so far as to look at my checking account and ridicule my purchases. i didn’t have any idea what it meant to stand up for myself or say no. in fact i wasn’t allowed to say no. my job at the bank involved solving other people’s problems. i could never say “i can’t solve that problem.” i could only say “i’ll figure it out.”

i had convinced myself working at the bank was a stable career because it was boring and i hated it. but actually it wasn’t stable at all. after 2008, there were mass layoffs and restructures every year while the bank tried to recover from the recession. i worked for a sales team, and so my job was dependent entirely on whether or not the salespeople did their jobs well. if they didn’t make goal, they’d get fired. if they got fired, i’d get fired. 

i started trying to date again and was sexually assaulted. after that i really struggled at work because i was dissociating a lot and couldn’t focus. my team, despite my having worked there for years, instead of being concerned for me decided to start complaining about me to my boss. finally i had to tell a coworker what happened and that i wasn’t doing very well. my team started being a little nicer to me but ultimately they didn’t care about me, they cared about how effective i was at my job. my boss didn’t want to fire me, so instead i was pushed onto another team.

that move came with a raise. then that team was dismantled and i was pushed onto another team. that was a demotion, but i got to keep my raise from the previous move. by then, i was working from home, and even though i was more comfortable i was also very isolated and miserable. my “fulfillment through deprivation” attitude was destroying me. i wasn’t eating well or taking care of myself. i was isolated and lonely. i still didn’t believe happiness was real and i constantly thought about killing myself. 

but i had started writing fanfiction, and even though i didn’t think i was any good at it, i was beginning to see a way out. i was beginning to learn how to dream, and want things, and give myself the things i wanted. i just couldn’t imagine leaving the bank, or selling my house, or moving out of my hometown. all of that seemed impossible to me.

then i had to go to a business conference where my team had a retirement party for one of my coworkers. she’d done what i was doing for 45 years. by that point i was at the 9 year mark. i’d spent my entire adult life at the bank. and i realized: the bank benefited from my fear and passivity, and nothing in my life was going to change unless i was willing to make sacrifices. 

but i still wasn’t entirely convinced. and then came the day i had to physically hold onto my desk to keep me from killing myself. i didn’t end up trying it, because i had another realization: this was a life or death situation now. if i kept working at the bank, i knew i would die. i knew eventually i would get low enough to do it. i didn’t actually want to die; i wanted an escape and didn’t know what else to do. suddenly i was off the hook. my options were not “financial stability or imminent poverty” but “live or die.” 

those were the big epiphanies i had, but the process of actually leaving the bank was a slow one. i wrote a bit about it here. i got into an MFA program basically by telling myself repeatedly i would figure out the money stuff later. when it came time to quit the bank, my boss convinced me to stay on working part-time, with the assumption i would move back to full-time once i’d graduated. i agreed to it, because just trying to quit was enough to convince me i could, and that better things were ahead of me. for a year and a half, i stayed on working two days a week while doing my MFA, which involved both coursework and teaching, and it felt a bit like it did during undergrad, having too many jobs and no time to breathe or think or feel anything.

between my first and second year, i had a looooong overdue mental breakdown. there were a lot of causes, but one of them was spreading myself too thin. shortly after, i quit for good. by then it didn’t feel like a big deal at all, i was so far removed from the work and my team and so focused on my degree. one day i turned on my work laptop and the next day i didn’t. i shipped it back to HQ and it was over.

then i graduated from the MFA and suddenly had to face the consequences of this life i’d chosen. my school kept me on as an adjunct, but it felt like being a ghost. i no longer had the community of my cohort. i had no health insurance. i was given my teaching schedule and a contract to sign, that’s it. there was no guarantee i would be getting classes the following semester, and after a year, that was what happened. i remember sitting in my favorite coffee shop trying not to cry when i got the email that said the department had nothing for me to teach the following semester.

i really wasn’t the same after the breakdown. i went from “i can do anything i put my mind to no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts” to “i have to step carefully, and treat myself gently.” i hadn’t fully realized that yet, though, so i tried to get a Real Job. i got the first and only job i applied to, because i am bad at nearly everything but somehow i’m exceptional in interviews. it wasn’t a bank but it offered the same sort of benefits package. it was a full-time salaried position at a non-profit. if i had found it earlier, i think it would have been my dream job. it was the kind of work you throw yourself into because you care so much about doing good. 

i lasted a month. during the first week something happened that triggered me in a way i’m very rarely triggered. i realized i needed disability accommodations, but i needed to go to a doctor to get an assessment and i had to be on the team 60 days in order to get insurance. i thought i could white-knuckle it, and i could, sort of, but every minute i was at work, it felt like i was forced away from the thing i should have been doing. i was constantly trying to write a few paragraphs here and there on my phone when no one was looking. i had to find excuses to take breaks and go to my car and breathe. at one point i told a volunteer i was an english instructor, and she looked at me very confused, and i realized i’d said it in present tense, like it was part of who i was and not a job i did for a while. then finally, my breaking point was an after-hours function. when i left i saw a field full of fireflies and thought about how, if i’d just stayed home, i could have sat outside and enjoyed them all evening, not just a glance at them on the way to my car. i liked the job but it was making me miss all the things i’d learned to love about being alive.

i quit the next day. i’d sold my house by then (which was its own feat) and moved in with my grandma, which hadn’t been a possibility until my grandpa passed away the previous spring. i paid off my car. i figured out finally that i would probably never be able to work full-time again unless it was teaching, and that the downside to this life would be accepting fear and instability, only being able to look ahead one semester at a time. staying open to the opportunities that arise. being a little selfish. 

i wrote a bit more about the financial realities of the writing life here. i can’t tell you what you should do, because the path i took definitely isn’t the path for everyone, but i do believe we all owe it to ourselves to pursue our best and happiest lives, because we only get one, and there’s no reason not to live it the way you want to. 

[hotspringfairy]

February 3, 2021

I'm so over it.

My best friend and I have been living with his parents for a year and a half. They're letting us stay in their basement for no rent, just contributing to household expenses. We asked if we could do this in order to save up enough money to pay off our debts (except student loans) and save up to buy our own house together. We were just feeling very stuck after being forced to move from a house we had been renting at a reasonable price for 5 years- rent prices had gone up crazy high in that time and we ended up in an over-priced apartment for a year out of desperation, really only making enough to cover our bills.

I must start by saying that this is ridiculously generous of them. I don't regret this at all, it's given me and my best friend that little leg-up that we desperately needed. And living with them hasn't been as bad as I thought it might be (I've known them for like 12 years now- they can be . . . difficult).

So yes, I'm incredibly grateful for my situation, now on to the bitching lol

I tried in the beginning to keep our food a little more separate. However, my friend's mom really wanted us to combine groceries and to cook for us. I gave in pretty quickly to what she wanted, mostly because I don't have a choice.

They absolutely suck at cooking vegetables, which is an extra shame because I freaking love veggies! If soggy, over-boiled, and unseasoned mush is what people think vegetables are like, than I totally get the hate! I wouldn't eat that shit! I don't eat that shit! Idk how many nasty vegetables I've tossed in the trash over the past year. They won't even toss them on a baking sheet for goodness sake.

I started listing all the ways that my kitchen access is limited, but it was getting way too long lol the dynamics in the house are difficult to explain. I'm going to cut it down to this: the dad gets very weird about food and often pushes food on us and wants to have unnecessary conversations about food. He does not like more than one person being in the kitchen at a time (even if there's plenty of space). He is uncomfortable around me, and I try to be respectful and give him his space- I don't want to intrude, especially considering their generosity.

I also don't like having to interact with them (or anyone at all) when I'm in "alone-time mode," so I often won't go upstairs much on the weekends because of that. Pretty much every day they watch their grandkids, who are awesome, but kids are certainly not my thing and they make me uncomfortable. When the kids aren't over, they're often arguing, and if I hear them literally yelling at each other I won't go upstairs.

That's the short (but unfortunately still way too long) version of some of the issues I'm having with food at this house. They often make food for me that I don't want, and I often feel like I can't prepare my own food.

Last night I munched out on snacks instead of having dinner, which made me go way over my calorie goal range. I was having a rough day, like guys, I forgot to put on makeup before work yesterday. I've never in my whole life forgotten to put on makeup and I've never been to this job without at least my cover-up on! It wasn't a big deal, but it's not like me to forget that, I was really out of it yesterday. I'm not ok. I've had a lot on my mind, good and bad. Anyways, I just really needed to relax by myself after work.

My friend had gone to the store for us and gotten me cheese tortellini that he knows I like, kinda as a treat for me. He even bought pesto and Alfredo sauce so I'd have 2 sauce options (I recently haven't been able to eat tomatoes- like not even a bite of something with even dehydrated tomato on it or I will vomit- idk why, but it's been an adjustment for me since apparently EVERYTHING HAS TOMATOES IN IT).

His parents made the tortellini, and then mixed them with tomatoes. Not even marinara sauce, just bland-ass canned tomatoes. Didn't cook them together either, but apparently they had to be stirred in. So everyone else had that. I needed time to myself and they not only had a toddler running around, but they were also being overbearing. And I'd already been intruded upon downstairs twice. So I stayed downstairs and ate the snacks I had there and took care of myself.

It wasn't the best decision. I should have made myself real food. But I just could not muster the mental energy to deal with them. It was the best I could do for myself yesterday.

So I'm super frustrated. I feel like I went over on my calories directly because I don't have a kitchen I can use without getting hassled, and I just wasn't up to getting hassled. I think this has been an unfair obstacle for me on an already very difficult journey.

Until now I've been able to skate by. With so much weight to lose, I really don't have to do 100% to see results. However, my weightloss is slowing to an absolute crawl, and I can see that my downstairs-binging is holding me back. But it's so unfair to expect myself to do better given the circumstances. And we're moving really soon, I'm not 100% sure when, but in the next few months.

I just have to hang in there and keep doing my best. I'm trying to balance holding myself accountable for bad choices, but also not beating myself up for making not the best decisions when I'm in not the best situations. Today I feel both that I am making excuses when I should accept that I could and should have done better, and that I'm being too harsh on myself given the circumstances. Not sure how I'm managing both of those.

First time in a long time that I've had to battle this much negative self-talk. But good on me for shutting that shit down fast.

[simpstyle]

The Working Girl's Guide to Finance

As we slowly approach the holiday season and new year, it is time to start thinking about those pockets. If you are anything like us, this year was very hard and really did a number on your savings. Those five year plans may now be pushed to seven years now & that may be a little troublesome. No fear, SIMP IS HERE. While things may seem a bit crazy now, they will get better. Weigh the positives of the situation - you have a job, simple. If you don’t you have a job be thankful that you have a savings account to pick at. It is that simple.

As we start to prep those vision boards for how you want your life to look this year - make sure your finances align together. We sat down with Jhakiri Brooke to discuss tips on everything money. He is a Financial Advisor based in NYC, that specializes in every spectrum of financial planning. Jhakiri’s priority is to help build suitable savings and create safe investment strategies in his community, especially young adults.

If you are trying to get your life back together you for sure need to read this.

The Three Ways To Look At Your Money AS A WORKING GIRL

Getting Rid of Debt

Debt essentially has a snowball effect. If you don’t monitor it, it will start off small and begin to rapidly increase. Many people have the idea that they’ll swipe their credit card and pay it off as soon as they get paid but that does not workout. What happens when the debt you accrued in a short amount of time has outgrown your paycheck? You begin to panic and get overwhelmed when you have to stop using it. Save for your wants so you don’t have to rack up bad debt. Be patient, pay it down gradually, and stop swiping!

Understand good debt Vs. Bad debt

“Bad debt” consists of tools used to buy depreciating assets; an auto loan for a car, a credit card for miscellaneous purchases, and personal loans for things that shouldn’t be debt financed. “Good debt” consists of tools used to put your life in better perspective; things such as student loan debt to possibly increase your income, a mortgage to buy your own home or to possibly invest in real estate, and lastly a business loan to make up for the lack of funding you have to launch that business you’ve been working on for years.

Student Loan Debt

Don’t be intimidated by student loans, there are so many different options that you may utilize to decrease the payments. The main focus you should have is, “how can I bring down my interest?” Consider refinancing. You don’t want to aggressively pay down student loan debt because it halts you from saving in other areas as well.

Consider debt consolidations and refinancing

Often, many individuals have debt all over the place and have no idea how to manage. The easiest thing you can do is consider consolidating all of your debt in one place so you’re not making payments to multiple creditors.

Balance transfers with credit cards are an example of consolidating without harming your credit score. Essentially, you open up one credit card with a large limit and transfer multiple credit card balances over to one. Now you have 0% APR for one year and can attack all of your balances at once.

Building Your Saving Accounts

I truly believe that building your savings account is the most important piece in this article. Many people do not have a savings account. They believe that saving in a checking account or in cash is the best way to go. That’s only because they don’t understand interest. When having your money in cash or checking you lose out on interest that could have been built on your savings. Interest is so important when it comes to saving because you want to understand how much your bank is crediting you for being an excellent saver. The current national interest rate on savings is about .01-.09% that’s essentially a penny for every $1,000 you have in the bank. That sucks, you want to make sure you’re utilizing a bank that’s averaging about 1.0-2.0%, which is about one dollar for every $1000 you own. You surely want to make sure you have different savings for different things. So make sure you keep your money separated.

You will need an Emergency Fund, a Goal Fund (house, travel), and an Investment Fund. The best way to save is by treating your savings account

Finding Creative Ways to Make Your Money Work For You

The only issue with having all of your money in a traditional or online savings account is you’ll never be able to beat the inflation of the dollar. Remember when your favorite bag of chips was $ 0.25? Those days are long behind us due to inflation. Inflation is the rise of prices in the products we know and love. While the price of these products increases, the value of the dollar we use decreases. In simpler terms, the money in your bank account is not keeping up with the price of the products you purchase day to day. With that, we must find creative ways to diversify our dollars to make them grow.

That takes building an investment portfolio that works for you. Think about what you’re investing for and when you want to reap the benefit of your investments. Many people are afraid of the stock market and can’t save for the real estate market, but there are so many different tools to use.

Mutual Funds - they provide exposure to the stock and bond market without you having to put all your money into one business. Therefore, there’s less risk for a pretty decent return.

Real Estate - saving enough money to purchase a property will provide you a lifetime stream of income. You are paying rent to a landlord, why not become the landlord and have someone pay you rent?

A side business or a loved one’s business you believe will grow

Individual Stock - Yes, the stock market is extremely intimidating, but the wealthiest people in the world have tremendous success in making smart decisions with investing in some of the largest companies you know today.

Retirement Accounts (401K,403B,457,IRAs, etc) - Having a sound understanding of your retirement accounts will put you so far ahead of your peers. Don’t just sign paper work, make sure you understand what assets are backing your retirement accounts as well as the tax ramifications associated with withdrawing money from retirement accounts. You want to make sure you don’t outlive your money, and your job sponsored programs are a great start. If you’re entrepreneur there are retirement accounts out there you should consider looking into.

Remember what you don’t spend today will be spent in the future. Keeping up with the trends is fun but buying your property and having a bomb life in the future is even better. Invest in yourself first!

[where2next]

How to Save Up Money for Travel

One of the biggest obstacles keeping people from traveling to their dream destinations is not having enough money. You can learn plenty of tips to significantly lower the costs, but the reality is that travel is still not a cheap endeavor.  Getting your finances in order is the only solution to reaching that goal of traveling every year. There are some concrete principles which need to be followed in order to put you on the path to your ultimate travel goals. The good news here is that these principles are not specific to only your travel budget but they can be used for every aspect of your life. You will have to put in the work, but you will be reaping the benefits of it for years to come, complete with being able to call yourself a world traveler!

Get started in financial literacy

For any area of life in which you want to make improvements, learning the important information is key.  Here you will find many of the core principles of budgeting and personal finance, but do not stop there. I fully encourage you to explore the wealth of knowledge freely available in blogs, podcasts, and videos. For our purposes, we highlight some of the basic actions to be taken so that you can start saving money for the purposes of travel.

Pay off high interest debt

The very first thing every person should do no matter what their travel goals are is to assess their debt. If you are buried in debt, your priority should not be traveling anyway until you are free from that burden. A good rule of thumb is to make a plan to pay off any debt above 5% interest. If you have any extra money at all after your expenses it should be put towards this debt. Mathematically, you should try to pay off the highest interest debt first because that will save you the most money. However, we are humans and it can be very unmotivating to try to pay off that debt if it is a large number. The most important thing is getting the debt paid off, not necessarily the order, so a popular tool people use is called the snowball method. With this method, you will pay the smallest balance first. For instance if you have $20,000 in student loans, a $2,000 personal loan and $1,000 in credit card debt, you would pay off the credit cards first. Once that debt is paid, whatever you were paying towards it gets added towards the next smallest debt, in this case the personal loan. You repeat that process until you are out of debt. Getting these small wins initially and seeing some results gives you motivation and will make it more likely that you will stick with it until you finally achieve freedom from debt.

Make a personal budget

It is true that “what gets measured gets fixed.”  To find the weak points in your spending habits, you need to first figure out what you are spending your money on. This can be done very easily these days with free budgeting apps like Mint or with more in depth paid software like YNAB. However, if you want to go fully customized, you can just plug your numbers into a spreadsheet on Excel or Google Sheets. Simply take all of the money you earn in a month and subtract all the money you spend in that month and see what is left over. If you have a negative number at the bottom, you have a problem. Budgeting is not glamorous work, but understanding your own habits can be very powerful and honestly quite surprising. When I started budgeting one thing I believed about myself is that I didn’t eat out very often; hardly at all. Well, after 6 months of tracking all of my expenses, I realized that what I usually spent eating out was roughly double what I had initially estimated. I just had a short memory. Once you have your budget you should get a clear picture of where you may be able to cut some expenses and you can choose what is most important to you. One example that always seems to come up in personal finance is getting rid of your morning coffee run to save money. That can be beneficial if you are motivated to do it but what if you really love that morning coffee? The point is your budget will help you prioritize which areas of your spending are more important to you. To continue with my own example, once I saw what I was spending on eating out I still wasn’t really motivated to change anything AT FIRST. However, things took a drastic turn once I started putting savings into my budget for travel. Afterwards when I would think about stopping to get some Chipotle I would ask myself, “Would I rather get Chipotle right now, or would I rather eat at home and go to Peru this year?” Sometimes I would still get the Chipotle but overwhelmingly I started choosing my travel goals and spent almost nothing on eating out. Putting my goals in the budget made them very real and motivating for me.

 Make a budget for your trip

Now that you have your monthly budget, you have to figure out what your savings goal will be in order to take your trip. This takes a lot of planning, but it can be a very rewarding process. Not only will you know how much money you need to reach your goal and how long that should take, but you will get to experience the trip twice: once while in the planning phase, and then again when you actually go there. Discovering the famous attractions and lesser known areas of a new destination can be very exciting and can help you keep your focus on why you are doing this. Find out what things you most want to do and then search for the deals around them for lodging and transportation. Add up all of those costs plus a little more for unforeseen expenses and you will have a number to set your goal. After that, it is just a matter of discipline and patience until you have saved enough and you can be on your trip!

Have an accountability partner

Anything that requires discipline and willpower is an easier process when you don’t have to do it alone. Have a friend or family member keep you accountable for sticking to your budget. If you plan to travel with friends, you can keep each other accountable and with this shared goal, it is much easier to stick to it until the end. Make sure you check in with each other at least once a week and you must be honest with each other. This is the only way you will learn and grow from mistakes made.

Ways to cut spending

One of the quickest ways to realize your financial goals is to cut any unnecessary spending. Once you start doing this, you will naturally start to prioritize what things are more important to you and what things you truly do not miss. Here are some common ways to cut spending:

Eating Out - Eating out can be an expensive hobby. It is also easy to fall into both from a social standpoint (all of your friends are going out) and from an energy standpoint (I don’t feel like cooking today). The thing is, this is simply not a necessity. Not only is cooking at home healthier for you, but it is going to save you a lot of money and helps you learn a valuable skill. If you are very busy and can’t cook all the time, buying ready-to-go meals at the grocery store is still cheaper than eating out.

Alcohol - This is another category that is not a necessity. Cutting out alcohol can also increase your health as well as your savings. Some people may want to cut it completely for the savings but even if you don’t want to cut it completely, budget to buy some alcohol for home. Don’t go to a bar where you will be paying for expensive drinks.

Coffee - Many people love their coffee. Still, if you want to save, consider making coffee at home rather than going to Starbucks or your local coffee shop. You will be spending pennies on the dollar.

Going to the movies - Going to the movies can be exciting, but more and more technology is letting us have just as good of an experience at home. Not to mention movie theater concessions have a ridiculously high mark up. Opt to make popcorn at home and enjoy a movie in the comfort of your own living room.

Going shopping - Most of us in the U.S. have more clothes than we need. In fact, many people have clothing hanging in their closets that has never been worn. Unless you absolutely need something like a new dress or new pants for a job interview, stop shopping retail.

Negotiating utilities and phone bills - Most people either don’t know or get complacent, but you can negotiate your bills! You should regularly be on the lookout for sales and promotions from your phone company, internet and tv providers, insurance providers, and more. Another good tactic is to switch providers of these services every so often because they will usually give some sort of discount to new customers. This is a great way to lower those bills that you pay every single month.

Ways to increase income and savings

Though this one can be harder to execute, it can also be the most effective. The easiest way to be able to save more money is simply by having more money in the first place. This is obviously much easier said than done but there are a few ways in which you can grow your dollars:

Ask for a raise - One of the quickest ways to get more money is to simply ask for it. Now this must be preceded by good work on your part, but many people could get at least a small pay bump just by asking for it. There are many helpful resources online on how to properly and effectively ask for a raise. If you get one, all of that money that you didn’t have before could be put toward your travel savings.

Avoid lifestyle inflation - Anytime that people do get a raise or get some unexpected income, they tend to adjust their habits to that new income level. However, if you are able to live just fine at your current income, then anything that you make on top of that should be put towards your savings. Do not succumb to lifestyle inflation just because it is easy. You know you can live on less. Do it and reap the benefits of more travel!

Start a side hustle - If you cannot get a raise or have already gotten one but still need more income, you can start something of your own to make money. If you enjoy woodworking, you can make furniture and knick knacks to sell. If you enjoy photography you can advertise to do pictures for people. If you don’t have a very flexible schedule but you have a car, drive Uber when you can. If you work hourly, see where you might be able to pick up an extra shift or two. There is technically no limit to what you can make into a side hustle. It is simply something that you do apart from your primary job that people will pay you for.

Save your tax return for your travel - When it comes time for you to receive your tax returns, plan to put it towards your next trip. If you have a good budget, your tax return isn’t needed in order to live anyway. Depending on the size of your tax return, that right there could fully fund your next adventure!

Open a high yield savings account - A quick and easy way to help your nest egg grow just a little faster is to put it in a high yield savings account. Most banks offer savings accounts that give less than a tenth of a percentage in interest. However, there are several online savings accounts like Ally Bank and CIT Bank that offer much higher interest rates up to 2%. This by no means will make you rich, but it is a good way to have the value of your money keep up with inflation.

Bottom Line

There are always ways to save up for the travel that you want to do. Once you understand how much your trip will cost, how much money you make each month, and how much money you spend each month, you can figure out exactly what you can save for your travel and how long it will take you. With a combination of increasing your income and slashing your spending, you will see positive results and before you know it, you will be on an airplane to your dream destination. Get out there and explore!