#but everything surrounding it. is Hell on my anxiety...

[orcelito]

Looking at stuff for my flight tomorrow & facing the fact that I won't be able to bring any knives with me... which is a Vibe Killer man it's killing my BRAND

I carry some 3 ish knives on me at all times and I'm gonna have to spend Six Days without any knives.... sad.

[transmiqote]

my first lvl 90 extreme :D

[myfictionaldreams]

Safety Measures // Mafia!Stucky x Fem!Reader

Summary: It was the anniversary of Steve and Bucky saving you from your sadistic brother. Usually, it was a time of celebration for you, but this year, you couldn't help but feel paranoid and unsafe.

Extra reading: Last Hope for background context

A/N: Happy New Year, beautiful readers! I hope everyone is well and safe.

Requested by: @theatrelove3000 thank you so so much for the request and all your support with my writing. As always, you're the best!

Tags: 18+ readers only, smut, polyamory, ptsd, anxiety, paranoia, insomnia, discussion of past abuse, domestic fluff, dom/sub undertones, cock warming, subspace (kinda), hurt/comfort, new member of the family (yay!), puppy

Words: 4.8k

my masterlist 📚 AO3 Link

Insomnia was an issue you’d never had to deal with before. Not when you have two of the most powerful men of all of the East Coast tiring you out and wrapped around your body to make you feel safe and content.

However, as the seconds ticked by on the clock position on the nightstand next to the bed, you’d found that your body was willing to do anything but sleep. As midnight struck, any hope that had been inkling in your thoughts was diminished. There you were, half sprawled over Steve’s naked chest, his warmth burning through your skin, with Bucky spooning around your back, sandwiching you thoroughly between the two of them, legs crisscrossed between one another.

Even in the safe embrace, your heart continued to palpate painfully in your chest with such powerful thumps you were worried it would wake one of your lovers.

It was always this day. This date. Every year, that sprung fear through your soul, with the memories of your past returning to haunt you. Before Bucky. Before Steve or either of their safety and love, you’d been involved with your family business, reigned by your sadistic brother, Enzo, who was both hateful and abusive, causing you to live a life that was not worth living at all.

For countless years, you’d simply been floating through life, doing anything your brother demanded to benefit his gang. There was no hope, love, or light in your life until the men whose arms you were wrapped tightly in found you, saved you, and showed you what life was about. It hadn’t been an easy adjustment, especially with the violent and bloody end to your brother, but then readjusting to the newfound freedom had taken its toll. The anxiety from your past still haunts you to this very day.

In truth, in the first few years surrounding your brother's death anniversary, you’d celebrated the beginning of your new happiness and life. However, as you grew older and had to live through the dangers of being in the most infamous mafia gang in Brooklyn, your optimistic perspective became somewhat fragile with the realities of becoming close to losing everyone and everything you loved on multiple occasions.

So now, when this dark day loomed over your head once more, your anxiety rose along with the reminder of the horrors that you’d experience throughout your lifetime. Paranoia blossomed into something that was logically not plausible, frightened that somehow, Enzo would return and take you back to the hell hole he once kept you contained within.

These fears had been discussed with both Steve and Bucky on multiple occasions, as well as your friends, who promptly reminded you that nowhere was safer on earth than with all of them. There was 24/7 surveillance within the office and your home, guards patrolling, all armed and trained, as well as having the enhanced bodies of your boyfriends always at your side.

You were safe.

Safe.

And yet, still, there you lay. Wide awake, breaths shallow, trying to remain as quiet as possible so that you may listen to any sounds of intruders walking through your home. It is an impossible feat to do either way due to the pounding of your heartbeat without your ears, the repetitive thump and drum that increased in speed over the minutes. Your palms were becoming clammy where they were resting on Steve’s chest, a faint tremble beginning to throb through your limbs as well. You closed your fingers into a tight fist, attempting to cease the shaking whilst blowing out a long breath as the clock ticked to 00:01 am.

It was no use. You couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t just simply lay there and wait to be attacked or taken.

Carefully as you could, you attempted to climb out of your fierce hold, but due to your fragile state and the firm grip of Steve and Bucky, the movements stirred them both awake.

“Baby? Everything ok? Where are you going?” Steve asked, still half asleep but attempting to rouse himself more by rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Sorry”, you whisper into the darkness, “I just needed to use the bathroom”. The lie trembled from your lips as you clumsily searched the bedroom floor for some clothing to cover your naked body. From the smell of the shirt that you were now tugging over your head, you’d found Bucky’s t-shirt in the dark. As your eyes adjusted to remain in the darkness, you could see Bucky moving closer to Steve on the bed, his face resting on the blonde's chest, replacing where you’d been.

The sight had you smiling for a split second before a rustle of the wind against the windows drew your frightened attention back to reality. Stepping into the bathroom and shutting the door behind you, there was a stalling moment where the walls seemed to close around you. Strangling. Suffocation. The fears of your past squeezing closer.

“No”, you chastise yourself in a whisper barely audible as you take a single sweeping step towards the sink, running the cold water to splash it on your face. “Enzo is dead. Stop freaking out, you’re being ridiculous!”. Yes, you were having a conversation with yourself, but only because it was a coping mechanism before you completely lost your mind and had a panic attack.

“Get a hold of yourself!”, you continue the monologue whilst staring at your distressed reflection in the mirror. “You’re safe here in your home”. For some reason, your bottom lip began quivering with the rising emotions and the overwhelming urge to cry. Giving your body a thorough head-to-body shake and angrily wiping away the traitorous tears dripping down your cheeks, you also gave yourself stern talking.

“Either you get yourself together, or you embarrass yourself and wake up Steve and Bucky”. You wouldn’t, not when it was something as irrational as being frightened that your definitely deceased deranged brother would somehow return from the dead to steal you to a life of misery. You couldn’t stomach waking them from their slumber to see the sad puppy eyes they would give you as they told you all the things you already knew. You were safe with them; they’d never let anything bad happen.

Filling your lungs with air, you blew out a long, slow breath until your lungs were completely empty. “Right. One search of the house and back to bed”, you decided, needing to check the surroundings with the hopes it would ease your battle with anxiety and insomnia.

Upon leaving the ensuite bathroom, you were thankfully greeted by the sound of two distinctively soft snores from both men still lying together in bed. Tip-toeing past them and into the hallway, you made sure to keep the lights off with your eyes having adjusted to the darkness as you approached Steve’s office.

There were a few things that you needed from this room. Firstly, to check the security camera feeds from his laptop, showing every angle possible surrounding the house and inside the many rooms of the luxury property. The baseball bat was also hiding beneath the desk. It was one of many weapons stashed throughout your home, carefully placed by both Bucky and his bodyguard Natasha and even though a gun would be a swifter finale for any intruder, there were still more consequences if you were to shoot the firearm accidentally and hit the wrong target whereas, with a bat, you could still keep someone at arm's length and also not fatally wound a friend if they came knocking at the door.

Clutching the smooth bat in both of your trembling hands, you watched the screen, flicking between rooms and areas of the exterior of your home, not spotting a single leaf out of place. In fact, the only emotion that seemed to bloom through your chest was adoration as you stared at the bedroom video feed, noticing that Bucky was now the bigger spoon, wrapped thoroughly around Steve, whose hands were stretched out to your side of the bed, like in his unconscious state, he was still searching for you.

Guilt settled heavily in your stomach at the sight, and closed the laptop with a sigh. You knew this paranoia would fade by the time tomorrow came around. Still, it was completely illogical for you to react rationally today, so with a sigh that echoed around the office, you stood and began to search the property physically.

Holding the bat at arm's length, you peeked around corners first then swung before stepping out. You'd been trained to use all the weapons scattered throughout the house with Steve, Bucky, and Natasha, even with how to strike with a baseball bat effectively.

Every shift of shadows out of the corner of your eyes and every creak of the house naturally settling or knocking with the raging winds outside had your heart racing and senses going into full alert.

One check of the house turned into four full sweeps to ensure no one was there. It was also a slow and thorough check, so by the time you were stepping carefully through the kitchen, glancing out of the back window and into the dark abyss that was your back garden. The creak of footsteps echoed from upstairs; you’d become lost and disorientated on the search, and you had neglected to check the time.

05:03 am.

A sniffle and quiet cough followed the footsteps of the man who had decided to wake earlier than most. In a rush of adrenaline and the need to not be found with a baseball bat in hand like a crazy lady in the dark, you decided to hide the weapon in one of the kitchen cupboards and quickly pretended to be preparing coffee as the sleepy steps wandered down the carpeted stairs.

Placing two cups onto the kitchen counter, you almost held your breath in anticipation for the morning grumbly welcome by whoever had woken first. Steve and Bucky both like to be awake early, much to your usual pleas for them to stay in bed.

However, as the man walked into the kitchen, not a single word was shared as he stepped up close behind you, enveloping your body in a warm and metal arm, wrapping tightly around your waist and pulling you backwards until flush against a naked chest. Stubbled cheeks nuzzled into your neck as lips gently kissed the sensitive skin as you sighed, eyes closing and all tension diminishing into the floor at the feeling of finally being safe.

The two of you swayed on the spot, wrapped in the tight embrace, listening to the water in the coffee pot. One of your hand gripped onto the metal fingers, feeling the smooth material beginning to warm and match the temperature of your skin. The other hand lifted to rest on the back of his head, scratching his buzzed hair, earning a comforting moan from Bucky as he kissed your jaw.

“It’s a rare day when you’re awake before me”, Bucky whispers into the shell of your ear before kissing it. Goosebumps lined your body with the gruff tone of his early morning voice. He didn’t pester you any more about why you were awake at this time, but he did pinch the hem of your shirt. “Is it your plan to always wear my shirts so I must be topless?”

His words pulled a giggle from your lips, shaking your head as you poured the coffee into each cup. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”.

The two of you sat at the dining room table, coffee in one hand and in the other you held onto one another, admiring the night turn into the day with dawn breaking over the fences that lined the back garden. It was blissful and a welcomed distraction from the terrors beneath your surface.

Steve eventually joined, groaning about waking up alone as he kissed you, then Bucky on the back of the head. “Who knew the big grown mafia boss could be so needy?” Bucky quipped with a teasing smirk over the rip of his cup before taking another glug of the coffee.

“That’s a lot of sass for someone who will be going without any breakfast if he keeps it up”, Steve grumbles as he looks through the refrigerator to start preparing the three of you breakfast like he did on most mornings. Before Bucky could respond, Steve asked curiously, “Why is there a baseball bat in with the plates?”

Your eyes downcast to stare into your empty cup, shrugging your shoulders at the burning stares of your boyfriends. “I don’t know. Anyway, who wants a fresh coffee?”

Thankfully, nothing more was mentioned regarding the random appearance of the baseball bat as the three of you ate and prepared to head into the office. You were thankful for the distraction working in the gang gave you, especially on a stressful day like today. Although the paranoia and anxiety that had kept you awake still bubbled away beneath the surface.

On the car journey to work, even squished between Steve and Bucky in the back seats, their hands eagerly resting on the naked skin of your thighs, having pushed the dress up to have the contact. Even your bodyguard and best friend Sam, who was driving the vehicle, couldn’t ease the panic that came from every car horn that blared, the dangerously speeding vehicles that passed or just the erratic driving that was expected with other idiots on the road.

Every single disruption had you anticipating that the car you were in would be hit or stopped, and your brother would then arrive and drag you away. Of course, this didn’t happen, and as you came to work, another heavy sigh released from your body as you walked through the extensive security to get to the office.

New shipments of discreetly stolen goods had arrived, which was a welcome distraction for you, checking the quality and organising where and to whom it would be sold. This only lasted for an hour before the coldness began to creep in, and you made excuses to return to Steve and Bucky back in the office.

“You know you can talk to us, right?” Bucky reminds you carefully whilst pulling your chair closer to his. You couldn’t meet his intense stare as you shifted your body under his awaiting arm so you were cuddled close to his side.

“Yep”, you respond casually, leaning into his warmth.

Bucky’s face lowered to your ear as he stroked his fingers down your arm. “And you also know you’re safe with me. With Steve. In this building or home. I’d do anything to keep you safe, Doll”.

You smile politely at him, trying to ignore the guilt that, for some reason, passed over you as you reached to take his hand that was draped over your shoulders. “I know”.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Bbcky checking his phone for the 15th time in an hour. Not that you’d been counting.

Finally, he seemed to receive the notification he’d been waiting for as he suddenly sprung up from his seat, pulling his leather jacket swiftly.

A frown settled over your features as you sat forward, “where are you going?”

Bucky glanced towards Steve first before addressing your question. “I’ve just got some errands to run, nothing special. I won’t be long, Sweetheart”.

He was leaving you. On a day when you needed him most so that you felt safe, he for some reason had to go.

You stood abruptly, pushing back your chair and taking urgent steps towards him whilst nervously playing with your fingers. “You’re going to leave me on my own!”

“Who am I? The milkman?” Sam joked from where he was standing near the door, and you instantly regretted the words, having not meant them that way. What’s worse is that Steve muttered something under his breath from his desk and now you were riddled with more guilt as Bucky’s sad eyes turned to you, his hands resting heavily on your shoulders.

“I won’t be long, and maybe you’ll get a surprise later.” He tried to bring a smile to your lips, but it was worthless as you were caught between staring at Sam and Steve, trying to find the words to apologise. Bucky breathed heavily through his nose at seeing you distraught, but then his phone pinged again, so with one last kiss to your temple, he made his way to the exit.

Turning to Sam whilst awkwardly rubbing your cheek to ease the burning of embarrassment under your skin, you attempted to apologise, but Steve cut off your sentence. “I’m sorr-”.

“Baby, come here”.

Turning towards the comforting voice, you saw that Steve’s full attention was now on you. He’d moved his seat away from his desk and opened his arm, a clear sign for you to approach, which you did with rushed steps before climbing into his warm, sturdy lap. Your knees rested on either side of his thighs as your fingers caded through the curling blonde hair at the nape of his neck which you were quick to bury your face into, breathing in his calming cologne.

“I’m sorry about the comment; I didn’t mean it like that. I know I’m not alone. My head is just all over the place and-”.

“Shh, I know, baby, you don’t need to explain yourself. I know you’d rather us both be around for you today”. There it was. The one small mention and reference made by someone else that this was a day that you hated. It’s not that it needed to be spoken about as it had been clear that both of your boyfriends had been trying their hardest to be there for you today by being at your side as much as possible, constantly checking in with your emotions and making sure you ate and drank enough.

But Steve saying it out loud seemed to make it all the more real, so as you clung to him with more desperation, his arms did just the same until it felt as if there wasn’t a single part of you that wasn’t currently being touched by his giant frame.

“I love you, Steve, so much”, you plead to him in a tired daze, finally feeling somewhat safe now that you were crowded into his body.

“I’d do anything for you, baby girl, you know that. I love you too. Try and get some sleep; it’ll make the day go faster”.

You wanted to and knew you could if you’d let your eyes drop close, but something still wasn’t sitting right like an itch that needed to be scratched.

“Could I please make one request… sir?” you say, nerves beginning to flicker through your chest at the intimacy of the request, already starting to switch into the role of the submissive mind, especially after the fragile state you’d been in all day.

Steve seemed to straighten his posture at using the name, and his lips kissed the top of your head a few times before he responded, “Anything”.

Lifting your head away from his neck and gazing into the endlessly intense blue eyes that always looked so kindly down at you, you asked, “Please can we touch everywhere? I just want to sit and be close”.

Steve tried not to smile at the innocence and the way you couldn’t even say the words, ‘Please can I cock warm you?’ which he knew was what you were asking. Reaching between your bodies, he began to undo his belt and zipper, “You know you don’t need to ask, Sweetheart. I want you to feel comfortable”.

You could never explain to someone why you loved the thought of cock warming so much. It seemed to settle both your nerves and put you into a relaxing state. Not at all times, though. Half the time, it would just turn you into a horny, wet mess that ended with you riding the cock until at least three orgasms. But other times, such as now, you just needed to be stretched and feel as close to Steve as possible.

Lifting higher onto your knees, you moved aside your underwear and lifted the front of your dress as you manoeuvred yourself to accommodate the toe-curling length that was Steve Rogers. Through your groaning sigh, you couldn’t hear Steve’s matching noise as he made sure you were comfortable with a steading arm around your hips before shuffling his seat closer to the desk and continuing with his work and talking to Sam about an email he’d just received.

You were asleep before hearing the end of the email being read out. Your head is resting on his shoulder, hands loosely holding onto the material of his crisp navy blue shirt. You were warm, full and safe.

Hours later, as the sun began to set and the day passed, you were still drowsy, much more relaxed than you had been in the morning. You’d wake up to Steve packing his belongings and Sam saying he’d warm the car for you and Steve.

As you gathered your disorientated thoughts and tried to sit up, you noticed that Steve was very much still thoroughly hard inside of your soaked cunt. Silently, you thanked whatever super serum had been injected into him during his time in the army. You clenched at the realisation, and Steve hummed in contentment at realising you were waking up.

“Let’s get you home. Bucky’s waiting there for us”,  Steve informed quietly whilst cupping your cheek tenderly.

With the position you’d been sitting in, your legs were sore and tense, but Steve was more than happy to carry you down, even with his cock still inside. However, with the movements of his steps, it caused his length to ease in and out of your already sensitive cunt that by the time you’d made it to the car, you were clinging desperately to his shoulders as an orgasm rushed through you, pulsing between your legs.

Steve’s knees nearly buckled as he rested your frame against the side of the car, his face dropping to your neck as he breathed you in deeply. Your cunt continued to clench around his cock until he, too, joined you in euphoria with a deep grunt and a snap of his hips; warmth flooded your hole and began dripping out and onto the floor. Neither of you or his employees batted an eyelid as both of you came. 

Once in the car, you were so distracted with cleaning each other up that the idiots in other vehicles that had panicked you on the way in, didn’t remotely phase you.

Wishing Sam a good night, you and Steve walked up to your front door, hand in hand. Steve opened the front door for you, letting you walk into the living room first, where you abruptly stopped, causing the blonde to nearly knock into you.

“I promise I tried to stop him, but he’s a feral little beast!” Bucky exclaimed from where he sat on the floor, surrounded by something that could only be described as chaos.

It seemed all of the decorative pillows had been utterly destroyed as the contents of the fluff covered all of the surfaces. Not only this, but there were half-eaten shoes, and the corners of the couches and coffee table seemed to have tiny bite marks gnawed into them.

“Bucky?! What did you do?” You couldn’t even comprehend where the mess began and ended as you looked at your dishevelled boyfriend sitting on the floor. Well, he was more lying down, reaching beneath one of the couches as he began to sit up and plastered a wide, toothy grin towards you.

“Surprise!” Bucky shouts with exhausted joy as Steve sighs with a shaky laugh from behind you.

“Surprise? What kind of a surprise is my home being destroyed?” you say, gobsmacked, staring longingly at your favourite cushions ripped to shreds.

As Bucky opened his mouth to explain, a tiny yap sounded from beneath the furniture where he’d just been reaching, and suddenly, a bundle of black fur was pounding for your ankles. It took you a second to drop to your knees and gasp, reaching for the puppy.

“Careful! His teeth are viscous”, Bucky warns, trying to reach forward to grab the animal, but you beat him to it and pull the pup into your lap.

“Oh my god, look at you! Aren’t you just the most beautiful little thing! Was it you that destroyed my lovely cushions? It was, wasn’t it? That’s okay. I forgive you. I’ll forgive you for everything. You're just so damn cute!” you couldn’t help but talk in a childishly high voice as you spoke to the adorable little puppy.

Thankfully, he didn’t bite you with his tiny sharp teeth and instead rolled onto his back on your legs, his paws resting in the air as he waited for a belly rub you happily gave him with carefully placed head kisses.

“You didn’t tell me you were getting a new guard dog! And what happened to the rule of not letting them into the house?” you asked Bucky as you continued to pet the pup.

Steve squatted down next to you, reaching to stroke the puppy behind his ears but then quickly retreating as the tiny sharp teeth nearly nipped his fingers. “He’s not going to be a guard dog; he’s going to be your dog”.

Your head spun with how fast you looked between your boyfriends as you screamed, “What?!”

“Yep! He’s all yours. He’s a Rottweiler and is eight weeks old. They’re known to be a protective breed and great guard dogs, so we will have him properly trained a couple of times a week for this, but we also want him to be yours”. As Bucky explained he knelt closer which earned the attention of your new puppy who watched him closely but continued to lick your fingers in between as you scratched the top of his head.

Steve rested a firm hand on your lower back as he continued, “We know how difficult today is, even with our reassurance that you are safe from Enzo”. Even just hearing his name, your whole body tightens and locks, almost forgetting to breathe until a certain puppy begins to wiggle and try and jump up your body to attempt to lick your face, having noticed the change in demeanour. “We wanted there to be someone around for you all the time, just with the chance that you could still feel safe if Bucky or I weren’t by your side. So, we are hoping this little rascal will be able to do this”, Steve says playfully, stroking along the puppy's back but quickly withdrawing when he nearly nipped again.

“Thank you. Both of you. I don’t even know where to begin with telling you how amazing this gift is”, you say brightly, glancing between the two men you loved most in the world.

“Don’t thank us; it’s the least we could do”, Steve mutters whilst leaning in to kiss your cheek and then standing up, beginning to grab handfuls of fluff from all the surfaces with an attempt at cleaning up the mess.

“I just want you to be happy”, Bucky whispers whilst kissing your other cheek, but then his gaze moves to the puppy, and a line forms between his brows as he frowns. “There will be some ground rules, though. No dog on the couch or in bed. We need boundaries”.

You nod your head in understanding but lean closer to whisper to the pup loud enough that Steve and Bucky could still hear. “Don’t listen to the grumpy old man. You can stay wherever you’d like!”

Bucky sighs whilst rolling his eyes and begins to help Steve with cleaning.

The three of you were sat in front of the TV watching a late-night film. The four of you were sitting on the couch as the puppy was resting in your lap, exhausted from all the playing you’d been doing and now resting as you tried to think of a name for the little guy.

“What about Winchester? That’s a good dog name, right?” you ask the boys, but mostly the dog, hoping he would react to one of the suggestions, but he hasn’t succeeded so far. You pondered some more whilst petting his little black ears. “Oh, what about Sargeant?! No… what about Rogers? No…”. You gave up trying to think of a name off the top of your head and began to scroll for suggestions online.

“Max? Brutus? Thor? Um, nope, these aren’t good. Chase? Ari? Bullet? Dodger? Bli-” Your suggestions stop as the puppy’s head tilts to look at you, seeming more awake. “What is it? Is it one of the names? Ari?” No response, “Bullet?” still no response. “Dodger?” his precious little tail began to wag as he yapped.

“Dodger? You like that name?” he barked again, attempting to climb higher up your body to lick your face as you laughed fondly.

“Dodger it is”, Steve announced from your side with a smile.

[ahqkas]

BELLA ITALIA ; theodore nott

PAIRING! theodore nott x fem!reader

SYNOPSIS! in the moment of darkness, he was your light (or when theodore nott noticed a pretty girl struggling to communicate in english and decided to step up) (based off this req.!!)

WARNINGS AND TAGS! fluff, reader is from italy, italian theodore, translation of foreign language

WORD COUNT! 1.7k

NOTES! i’m trying to learn italian on my own and when i hear this man speaking italian i am WHIPPED 😿😿

HARRY POTTER MASTERLIST!

© ahqkas — all rights reserved. even when credited, these works are prohibited to be reposted, translated or modified

MOVING FROM ONE COUNTRY TO ANOTHER CAN BE AN INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING EXPERIENCE.

The first problem is often the language barrier. Suddenly finding yourself in a place where you don't speak the native language can be isolating and overwhelming. Simple tasks like ordering food or asking for directions become daunting challenges, and the fear of being misunderstood or ridiculed can make even basic interactions fraught with anxiety.

The weather can also play a big role in the adjustment process. Going from a sunny, warm climate to a cold, rainy one (or vice versa) can have a profound impact on one's mood and well-being. It's not just a matter of dressing appropriately — it's about learning to cope with the changes in daylight, temperature, and overall atmosphere. You left the sunny shores filled with ocean breeze and moved to rainy afternoons that seemed rather sad than anything else.

And then, of course, there's the school. Being the new kid in class is never easy, but when you're in a completely foreign environment, it can feel like you're on an entirely different world. Everything from the way classes were conducted to the social dynamics among students was be vastly different from what you were used to, leaving you feeling like a fish out of water. 

But perhaps the most challenging aspect of moving to a new country was the sense of displacement, of not quite belonging anywhere. You longed for the familiarity of home while simultaneously yearning to embrace your new surroundings. You missed the way the sun kissed your skin and the way the sea felt against your movements as you swam in the water with your friends.

And you wanted someone to understand you.

Navigating the labyrinthine halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you clutch your time table tightly, eyes darting from one corridor to another in search of the potion dungeons. The castle's vastness is overwhelming, its endless staircases and hidden passages a far cry from the sunny, open streets of your hometown in Italy. You knew your first day here would be hell.

The weather outside matched your mood: overcast and drizzly, the persistent rain casting a melancholic atmosphere over the stone walls. You miss the warmth of the Italian sun, the vibrant colors of your old school. Here, everything feels cold and foreign, a constant reminder of how far you are from home. Everything was gray and dark, the opposite of the vibrant colors you were used to.

You spot a group of students huddled together, chatting animatedly as they stood by a stone wall. Gathering your courage, you approached them, hoping they can point you in the right direction. "Scusa," you begin, your Italian accent heavy, each word carefully pronounced. "Where . . . potion class . . . dungeons?" (Excuse me.)

The students exchange puzzled glances, clearly struggling to understand your accented English because despite your try, it still came out quite wobbly. One of them, a tall boy with a shock of red hair, furrowed his brow and shakes his head slowly. "What?" he says, not unkindly, but with a hint of frustration at this situation.

You felt your cheeks flush with embarrassment. You try again, your voice wavering slightly. "Potion dungeons," you repeat, gesturing with your hands as if that might bridge the gap between your language and theirs. "Next class . . . I need find."

The red-haired boy shrugs, casting a sideways glance of help at his two friends who stood next to him. They all look at you with the same guilty expression, as if they would really like to help but there was no way. The girl with bushy hair smiled at you with an expression of 'Sorry', and you felt a knot of anxiety tighten in your chest. They don't understand, and you're too flustered to find the right words.

"Sorry," the ginger boy said finally, shaking his head again. "I don't know what you're saying."

Disheartened, you nodded and mumbled a quick "grazie" before retreating. You wandered through the corridors, frustration mounting with each wrong turn. The stone walls seemed to close in around you, the ancient tapestries and suits of armor blurring together in your anxious haze. You felt lost, not just in the physical sense but emotionally, adrift in this unfamiliar place where even asking for directions was like a challenge for you.

Your mind was still reeling from the embarrassing encounter as you hurried down the corridor, your thoughts tangled in a web of frustration and self-doubt. How could something as simple as asking for directions feel so impossible? The sting of the students' puzzled looks and guilty smiles lingers, making your cheeks burn with residual embarrassment. Lost in your thoughts, you rounded a corner too quickly and collided with a solid figure. Your bag slipped from your shoulder, and your books spilled across the floor. You gasped at the sight, your heart leaping into your throat. Could you embarrass yourself any more today?

"Scusa, scusa!" you blurted out in Italian, crouching down to gather your scattered belongings. The words tumbled from your lips in a rapid, nervous stream. You didn't even think the person wouldn't understand your sentences. "Non stavo guardando dove andavo. Mi dispiace tanto!" (Excuse me, excuse me! I wasn't watching where I was going. I'm so sorry!)

As you frantically picked up your books, you glanced up to see who you've bumped into. Your eyes widened in surprise and relief when you recognized Theodore Nott, the quiet Slytherin who always seemed to glide through the halls with an air of calm detachment and mysterious aura. You braced yourself for confusion, expecting him to look as puzzled as the others had.

But instead, Theodore's lips curved into a slight smile and a warm glint appeared in his usually cool eyes. "Non ti preoccupare," he replied in perfect Italian, his voice soothing and accent deafening. "È tutto a posto. Lascia che ti aiuti." (Don't worry. It's all right. Let me help you.)

The shock of hearing your native language from his lips momentarily left you speechless. You watched in amazement as he got down on his knees, helping you gather your books with nothing but ease. The knot of anxiety in your chest began to loosen, replaced by a flutter of gratitude and something else — an unexpected connection.

"Grazie," you managed to say, your voice trembling slightly. "Non sapevo che parlassi italiano." (Thank you. I didn't know you spoke Italian.)

Theodore's smile widened just a fraction, a hint of amusement danced in his eyes. "Mia madre è italiana," he explained, handing you the last of your textbooks from the floor. "L'ho imparato da lei." (My mother is Italian. I learned it from her.)

You stand up, clutching your books to your chest, and for the first time since arriving at Hogwarts, you felt a sense of relief wash over you. Here is someone who understands — not just your words, but the feeling of being caught between two worlds.

"Grazie mille," you repeated, your smile genuine this time. "Mi sentivo così persa." (Thank you very much. I felt so lost.)

Theodore nodded, his expression softening. "Capisco. Hogwarts può essere un posto molto grande e confuso. Vieni, ti mostro io dov'è la classe di pozioni." (I understand. Hogwarts can be a very big and confusing place. Come, I'll show you where the potions class is.)

As you walked beside Theodore through the corridors of Hogwarts, the oppressive weight of the castle's vastness seemed to lift slightly. His calm demeanor and fluent Italian became a comforting anchor in this world full of unfamiliarity.

"Da quanto tempo sei qui?" you asked the boy next to you, trying to make conversation. (How long have you been here?)

"Questa è la mia sesta anno," he replied. "Conosco il castello come le mie tasche ormai." (This is my sixth year. I know the castle like the back of my hand by now.)

"Sei fortunato," you sighed, your hold on your bag tightening. "Mi sento come se fossi in un labirinto." (You're lucky. I feel like I'm in a maze.)

Theo chuckled and the sound was low and warm. He was nice. "Capisco. Anch'io mi sentivo così i primi giorni. Ma vedrai, presto ti abituerai." (I understand. I felt the same way in my first days. But you'll see, you'll get used to it soon.)

As you continued to walk, the conversation flowed more naturally, easing your nerves. "Cosa ti piace di più di Hogwarts?" you asked him, genuinely curious. (What do you like most about Hogwarts?)

"Direi la biblioteca," Theo said after a moment of thought. "È enorme, con così tanti libri rari. E i corridoi segreti. Sono divertenti da esplorare." (I would say the library. It's enormous, with so many rare books. And the secret corridors. They're fun to explore.)

"Sembra affascinante. Mi piacerebbe esplorare di più, ma ho paura di perdermi." (It sounds fascinating. I'd love to explore more, but I'm afraid of getting lost.)

He gave you a reassuring look. "Se vuoi, posso mostrarti alcuni dei posti migliori. Così non ti perderai." (If you want, I can show you some of the best places. That way you won't get lost.)

Theo was the kindest person you've met here in the entire time since the beginning of the school term and your heart warmed at his kindness. "Mi piacerebbe molto, grazie." (I'd love that, thank you.)

Finally, you reached the entrance to the dungeons. "Eccoci," Theo exclaimed, stopping before the heavy wooden door. "La classe di Pozioni è proprio qui dentro." (Here we are. The Potions class is right inside here.)

You took a deep breath, feeling a mix of anticipation and nerves. "Grazie, Theo. Sei stato davvero gentile." (Thank you, Theo. You've been really kind.)

He offered you a nod, his smile reassuring. "Prego. Se hai bisogno di altro aiuto, basta chiedere. Buona fortuna con la tua lezione." (You're welcome. If you need any more help, just ask. Good luck with your class.)

With one last grateful look, you pushed open the door and stepped into the dimly lit classroom. As you took your seat, you couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope. Perhaps, with friends like Theo, Hogwarts might start to feel a little more like home.

[souliebird]

[[and then I met you || ch. 20]]

Series: Daredevil || Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader || Rating: Explicit

Summary:

A one-night stand years ago gave you a daughter and you are now able to put a name to her father – Matthew Murdock. Everything is about to change again as you navigate trying to integrate your life with that of the handsome and charming blind lawyer’s and Matt realizes he needs to not only protect his new family from Hell's Kitchen, but from the world.

chapter masterlist

Words: 4.3k

ao3 link

Pain radiates through your body as you begin to regain consciousness. There are two points that are throbbing and parts of you want to slip back down into the darkness until the aches are gone, but the rest of your body doesn’t like that plan. 

Slowly, the switches in your mind are flipped to ‘on’ and you become more aware of what is happening around you. There are two people talking near you - a man and a woman whose words you cannot yet process, but the deeper voice sounds so very familiar and comforting. It takes a few moments or hours - you cannot tell - for you to give a name to who is speaking, but when you finally figure it out, your mouth speaks his name.

“Matt…?”

Your name is said, then something is touching your face. Your instinct tells you to pull away, so you try to, but there is a gentle pressure keeping you in place.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s just me, sweetheart. It’s just me.”

Forcing your eyes open takes a few tries and you have to blink multiple times to get anything into focus. Slowly, Matt’s face forms in your vision, looking so, so haggard. His hair is fluffed up like he’s been messing with it and he’s got a frown that is so out of place on him. He should be smiling or laughing. That is how you always picture him in your mind - warm and happy. 

You realize it is his hand that is cupped along your jaw and press into it, letting your eyes close again. His thumb begins to rub along your cheek and you want to melt into it and allow yourself to drift back into the nothingness where there is no pain. Matt, however, has other ideas.

“I need you to stay awake. Can you do that for me?”

You do not want to do that, but since he is asking, your eyes open again. Your brain feels like sludge, but it is your knees that are screaming at you to not move. 

You are startled into being more aware of your surroundings when a feminine voice speaks from above you.

“Matt, you need to move if you want me to do anything.” 

He seems to hesitate, his face screwing up into something clearly unhappy before he finally pulls away from you. He doesn’t go far, though, stepping only a foot away. Only once your vision isn’t filled with a handsome-exhausted lawyer do you process that you are laying on your couch.  You have no idea what is going on, why you are in pain, or how you got to this position, but part of you feels at ease because Matt is there with you. 

You trust he won't let things go badly for you.

A beautiful, but tired, woman steps into your view, a pen light ready in her hand. She has an air of authority about her that has you not questioning why she is in your living room. 

“My name is Claire, I’m a nurse,” she tells you and you introduce yourself. “You passed out. I'm going to check your eyes and ask you a few questions to make sure you don't have a concussion.”

“Okay.” You don't remember passing out, but it would explain a few things. Your anxiety-people-pleasing mind pushes your confusion down and wanting the examination to be easier for Claire, ask, “Do you want me to sit up?”

“Do you feel like you can?” She counters and you don’t really know the answer, so you try. Your head throbs as you do and your knees are not happy about bending, but you get yourself into sitting. More pieces are added to the puzzle of what is going on, but none of them make any sense. 

You couldn’t tell before, but Matt is wearing a dark red jumpsuit that reminds you of Captain America’s armor. There had been a news segment where they had brought out a replica to talk about the design and the function and all you can think is Matt somehow got his own copy and customized it. For whatever reason. You certainly don’t know all of his hobbies - it could be a cosplay thing for all you know - or some kink - or both. 

You are in no position to judge.

The other puzzle piece is Karen’s boyfriend, sitting at your kitchen table looking at his phone, with your daughter in his lap. She is splayed against him in her bright pink jammies and her sleep headband, and you can only guess how deep into dreamland she is. But why is she out here, being held by a near-stranger, and not in her bed? 

You don’t get to ask that question - Claire is back in front of you with her penlight, shining it directly into your eyes.  As she does, she fires questions at you.

What is your name? Birthday?

Where are you and who is the current president?

What is twenty divided by four?

You pass the concussion test and are rewarded with two of the biggest ibuprofens you have ever seen. You take them, chasing them down with water from your sticker-decorated water bottle, as Claire tells you what is what.

“You have a decent sized cut on your forehead. It needed three stitches - and those will dissolve on their own, so you don’t need to worry about that. I’ll give you some of these higher milligram pills for the headache you’ll have, but a good night’s rest will have you up on your feet again. Do you need instructions on how to clean the cut?”

You take in the information at face value, still unsure why you are being examined and cared for in your living room as opposed to a hospital. Everyone else seems so sure of what is happening and completely fine with it, so you simply shake your head.

“Um, no, I know how to take care of it.”

“Perfect,” she turns away and begins to pack up a backpack on the coffee table you did not even notice. “If you start getting nauseous, head to the ER. Now,” she turns to stare down Matt, “If my delicate hands are no longer needed, I’m going back to bed so I am well rested for the job I actually get paid for.”

“Thank you, Claire. I appreciate it,” he says in a soft voice, but there is a layer of gravel in it you aren’t used to. 

The nurse finishes her packing, then looks to you with a small smile, “it is nice to finally meet you, I’m sorry it was like this. Late night calls have gone down since he told me about you.”

“Nice to meet you?” You say to her as she leaves your apartment, completely unsure of who you just met and what her connection to Matt is.

As you continue you try to comprehend what is going on, Matt moves towards you. He cups your jaw with both hands, smoothing his thumbs over your cheeks, “what were you thinking?”

You frown at not only the rougher tone he is using, but the question, “Matt, I don’t know what is going on. I don’t…” 

You trail off and finally mentally address what you have been ignoring.

Your hand creeps up to your face and you feel the edges of the band aid covering up the cut on your forehead. How did you even manage to do that? Claire said you passed out - but how? And why? And why are Matt and Frank here?

Did Minnie call them like she did with Foggy when you were sick?

You don’t know those answers, so you switch to things you can figure out. You search your mind, trying to recall what you were doing before you apparently passed out. You remember cleaning the bathroom, then Minnie coming in and throwing up. 

As those memories surface, the rest rush you - you took Mouse to the bodega and on the way home, some man attacked you. You remember struggling and fighting then…then there is nothing. 

The fear you felt then tickles back into your throat and you can feel tears starting to form. 

“We were attacked,” you breathe out and almost instantly, Matt is pulling you to him, wrapping his arms around you and cradling you as the reality of what happened hits you. You cling back, burying your face into the rough material covering his shoulder, and try to not break down. 

You’d been slapped a few times - but no one has ever tried to physically hurt you to that extent before. You had never felt so helpless - so useless - before. You hadn’t been able to protect your daughter. 

Hands had been around your throat and in your hair and you had flopped around like a fish. 

He could have killed you. 

He could have killed Minnie. 

Matt gently rocks you as you process what happened to you. You try to not cry, but you can’t stop it when some tears do start to fall.

“Why were you out so late?” he asks into your hair and the guilt pools in your belly. You were so stupid to go out.

“Minnie was sick,” you mumble against Matt’s shoulder. “Her stomach was upset, and we didn’t have Pedialyte. We had to go get some.” 

You can feel him frowning into your hair and it just makes you feel that much worse about everything.

“It couldn’t have waited until morning?”

“No.”

It’s not you that responds - it's the man across the room you completely forgot about. You lift up your head to look at Frank, confused why he is speaking up for you. Matt partially turns, pulling you along, and angles his head towards the other man.

“No?” He questions, not sounding pleased at all that someone else is chiming in.

“No,” Frank repeats firmly. “That’s bein’ a parent, Red. Your kid needs something in the middle of the night, you go out and get it. That’s how it is - there ain’t no waiting until morning when they are sick. That’s how they get dehydrated. She didn’t do anything different than any other mother in the city.”

Matt’s lip twitches and you have the feeling he is trying to not scowl or snap. You can tell he is just worried and upset over what happened, but you’d never seen him like this before.

But Frank is right - there was no scenario in which you did not go to get Minnie what she needed when she was sick. 

You look to your baby, and you need her in your arms. You pull away from Matt, wiping at your eyes as you do, and make your way to your small dining room. You feel more than see Matt follow you - practically becoming your shadow until you are in front of Frank. Once you stop walking, he is against you again, his chest to your back and his hand on your hip.

Your daughter is dead weight as she is passed to you and you cradle her to your chest, giving her hair a kiss before asking, “Is she okay?”

“She’s okay,” Frank assures, and you feel like he is speaking to both you and Matt. “Probably going to have some nightmares and be clingy, but you’ve got one brave and smart little girl.” You smile a bit at the praise, because you like to think the same thing about Mouse - brave and smart - your perfect little angel. 

“Gave her some of that Pedialyte,” he adds, “and she drank it all, so hoping whatever made her sick will be gone.”

“Thank you,” you mumble. You feel like he is a father and that is why Minnie seems comfortable with him, but he has an air about him that makes you not want to ask.

You rock your daughter in your arms, feeling so grateful that she doesn’t have a scratch on her. You have no idea what you would have done if she had been hurt in any way.

You can feel yourself starting to calm - your tears are slowing as you accept and process things and part of you just wants to curl up in bed with your family and sleep for twelve hours. 

Unfortunately, that is not in the cards for you. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Matt’s head jerk towards the main door, and you can’t help but tense up. His vibe since you have woken up has been on edge and you're surprised he hasn’t snapped or something, yet. He pulls away from you to stalk towards the hallway and you hold Minnie just a bit closer to you, unsure what he could have heard.

He swings the door open and there is a woman with thick jet black hair and bored looking expression. She pushes past Matt without care and enters into your apartment. 

“Don’t ever ask me to do that again.”

“What happened?” Matt asks.

“Well, he’s not dead, but he won’t be waking up anytime soon. I even got you a report number, so you can follow up,” the woman says, and you realize they are talking about the man who attacked you. That makes your heart start beating a little harder and your mouth feel dry.

“Did they say where they were taking him?” 

You tune out of the conversation and instead focus on holding Minnie. You press your lips to her hair and avert your eyes away from Matt and the woman. You look briefly to Frank, who is back on his phone, then let your eyes wander elsewhere. Minnie’s sippy cup is sitting on the dining table, so you decide you can at least clean that up. 

As you move around the table, something else catches your attention. 

There’s a large black bullet proof vest sitting on one of the dining chairs, with a distinctive looking skull spray painted on it. 

You’ve seen that skull before - it’s a common thing to see spray painted on a wall or post box around Manhattan. It’s a symbol everyone in the city knows just as well as Spider-man’s emblem or Captain America’s shield - it’s the Punisher’s logo. 

The Punisher - whose real name is Frank Castle, who, if you recall correctly, looks strikingly similar to the man sitting at your dining table. 

For some reason you do not understand, you do not panic. You simply stare at the vest, all the connections flying around in your brain, and mentally go ‘Well, that makes sense.’

The Punisher is here because he was with Matt.

Matt’s dark red jumpsuit isn’t a cosplay or a kink thing - it’s armor. 

It’s armor because he is Daredevil - the protector of Hell’s Kitchen. 

Matt is Daredevil.

Daredevil is Minnie’s Dad.

That’s why he sometimes has bruises and cuts you don’t ask about. That’s why his knuckles are scarred. 

That’s why he is in your apartment tonight - Daredevil stops people from being mugged. 

You were being mugged and he came and rescued you. He called his Superhero Doctor to come make sure you were okay so you wouldn’t have to go to the hospital and explain how a blind man stopped the attack. 

“You okay?”

You look to Frank, and you expect to see blood and guns and mayhem, but all you see is the man who brought you soup. You see Matt’s friend and Karen’s boyfriend - who are two of the kindest people you have ever met in your life. They have treated you better than anyone ever has in your life. They care about you. 

You flash back to your very first encounter with Frank and you recall how you were scared of him, but Minnie wasn’t. Minnie - who is unsure about everyone new. You trusted her instincts even before you knew about her gifts - you’d once heard you can tell a person’s intentions by how toddlers and dogs react to them, and you’ve always found it to be true. 

So, you decide to trust Minnie as well as your initial reaction - it may possibly be because of a concussion but you would actually like to sit and think about what you just learned rather than react blindly. 

“I’m okay,” you say slowly, sticking with how you feel in that exact moment, and not how your night is going. “I think I’m going to go lay her down.” You hesitate, then decide you still need to be a good host, since this is your apartment, ask, “Would you like anything to drink?”

“No, thank you, ma’am,” he says, his lips turning up into a small smile. “Think it’s time for me to head out - leave you and Red to have a talk.”

Your cheeks heat up and you know he knows you have figured out who he is. You hold Minnie even tighter and look down to your feet, your anxiety over being perceived starting to spike.

But you know better than to be rude and Frank has always been kind to you and Mouse.

“Thank you, Frank. I appreciate everything you’ve done for us.”

You do not flee, but you do walk a little faster than normal to carry Minnie to bed. You oh so carefully place her down and tuck her in, making sure Pig is right there with her. Scooby must be out in the living room, and you’ll need to grab him when you finally are able to lay down. 

You stare down at your daughter, who is sleeping so peacefully, and let everything wash over you again. You cover your mouth to try to repress a sob, but you know it doesn’t matter - Matt will still hear it. 

Everything is changing so much and so fast and you don’t know how to deal with it. 

First, you finally find Minnie’s father, then you find out he has super senses and your daughter inherited them, and now you learn he is a superhero.

You don’t know how to even begin to process this development. There is no guide for this and you aren’t even sure how you even feel. 

You can’t be angry at Matt - you don’t know how he got into crime fighting, but you know how passionate he is about being a lawyer and helping people. You know he loves Hell’s Kitchen deeply and you can’t imagine having to hear every little crime that goes on. 

You don’t know much about Daredevil. You know he sticks to Hell’s Kitchen and he’s made the area safer. He stops muggings and break-ins, and he’s cleared out various gangs. You know the community likes him for the most part - there is actually a mural of him in an alleyway near the diner. 

But what does it mean for you and Minnie? 

How does Matt being Daredevil work with him being a father? If you look back over the last few weeks, you haven’t really noticed anything off. 

But what if he gets into a fight he can’t handle? 

Or some bad guy learns who he is and comes after Minnie to get to him? You know that happens to politicians and cops and such, so it would be no different for a vigilante. 

What secrets will you need to keep?

Do you need to learn more than basic first aid - like how to stitch someone up?

How will you explain this to Minnie?

Does he know Spider-man? Captain America?

Does he kill?

There are so many questions ping-ponging around in your mind you don’t notice when Matt enters the bedroom. 

He comes up behind you and says your name in a soft voice before wrapping his arms around your waist. He holds you to his chest, chin dropping over your shoulder, and to your surprise, you find yourself leaning into his hold. 

“I didn’t want you to find out this way,” he tells you and you close your eyes at his words, letting his voice wash over you and corral your thoughts into something quiet. “I had a plan to tell you - to explain everything. I swore to myself I wasn’t going to hide anything from you.”

You believe him. 

You wish you would have known sooner, but you also understand why he didn’t tell you. It’s not just something you tell someone, and Matt has proven that his intentions have always been good. 

“Am I going to get another binder?” you ask, sniffling a little as you do to stop more tears from coming.

“If you want one, I’ll make you one,” he instantly replies, “just please don’t take Minnie away. I beg of you.”

You can hear the fear and pain in his voice, and you know exactly how he feels. You remember how scared you were that he would take Minnie away. 

You turn in his arms - looping yours around his middle and resting your forehead on his shoulder. 

“I wouldn’t do that. Not unless she is put into danger.” 

“I would never.”

Again, you believe him. 

His arms tighten around you until you're snuggly pressed into him and you can feel armor and buckles pressing against you. You squeeze him back, needing the comfort and needing something to ground you. 

You need to feel safe. 

Matt makes you feel safe. He made you feel safe before you knew what he did in the night and now it’s just amplified.

“Did you stop him?” You ask in a whisper. “The man who attacked us?”

“I did,” he responds. “I’ll stop anyone who dares to try to hurt my family.”

You shakily nod against him, then ask the question you fear, “Did…did she see?”

He doesn’t respond right away, but when he does, the guilt is palpable, “No. Frank made sure she didn’t see anything.” 

That eases your anxiety a fraction. You will need to talk with Minnie about what happened, and you already fear that conversation. She has never seen anything so violent before and you are surprised she isn’t already having bad dreams. You have no idea how she’s going to react in the morning.

You have no idea how you will react in the morning. 

You press your face into the crook of Matt’s neck, where there’s some type of rough black fabric. He begins to rub his hand up and down your back - you don’t think it will be soothing, but you don’t want him to stop. 

You want him to stay and hold you.

You want him to keep you safe. 

So, you tell him. 

“Stay the night,” you mumble against him, and he nods into your hair. 

Neither of you move to pull away - you stay holding each other in front of your daughter and you wonder if he needs the comfort as much as you do. 

It feels like time crawls by and your knees, which you must have banged up in the attack, start to make it known that you need to stop standing. Matt must sense something, as he nuzzles into your hair and whispers, “We can talk more in the morning. Let's get you to bed.”

You hum in agreement, then slowly bring your arms around to Matt’s front so you can place your hands on his chest, “I need to change. I’ll grab you some sweatpants and a shirt.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.” 

It still takes you a minute to finally step away and when you do, his hands drop from you. As you go to dig for clean sleep clothes, Matt begins to undress. You try to not turn to look - you are curious about how the suit is put together and how he gets in and out. You didn’t see any zippers or other clasps, but you suppose he wouldn’t want those out in the open if he’s fighting someone. 

You find two sets of sweats, one large enough for Matt. You hesitate to start changing, but then remind yourself that not only is he blind, but you’ve slept together, so you have no reason to be shy. So, you strip and pull on your new pajamas. 

Matt is still working on his boots when you turn back around, so you set his clothes on the bed. You remember then you are missing a member of the sleep squad.

“Do you know where Scooby is?” 

To his credit, Matt doesn’t look confused. You wait patiently as he uses his abilities, then smile when he tells you the toy is under the coffee table. You go to fetch him, and finally drop Minnie’s sippy cup in the sink, and when you return, Matt has finished changing. 

You hold out Scooby to him with a small smile, “Do you want to tuck him in?”

Matt’s solemn face lights up and he takes the dog. You watch, with a strange lightness coming over your heart, as he places Scooby beside Pig. He places the tenderest of kisses to your daughter’s temple, and you can see him move his lips, but are unsure what he actually says. 

You let him have his moment before taking his hand and tugging him towards your bed. He won’t be sleeping on the couch tonight and both of you know it. You lay down first, then he does, stretching out on his back.

“Come here,” he breathes, and you obey. You roll so you can curl into his side, resting your head on his shoulder and a hand on his chest. His arm wraps around you and you feel Safe.

Your body and mind feel so heavy as you close your eyes, and you hope you can sleep as peacefully as Minnie. 

The two of you lay in silence and when you finally succumb to your exhaustion, as the darkness takes you, you once again hear Matt’s soft voice.

“I love you.”

-

AN: Its not mentioned bc Reader missed it but it is very important to me that everyone know Jess brought Matt his gloves as well.

Also new header :3C

-

tags:

@midnightreids @cloudroomblog @yeonalie @thychuvaluswife 

@petrovafire39 @ghostindeath 

 @allllium

@anehkael

 @nennia-2000 @seasonofthenerd @abucketofweird  @mattmurdockstateofmind @imagineswritersblog @hazelhavoc @smile-child-13 @allst4rsfall @hashcakes @kezibear @mapleaye @sammanna @gamingfeline @moon-glades @nightwitherspring @phoenix666stuff @dare-devil

@ladyoflynx @hobiebrowns-wife @sarcasm-n-insomnia @lillycore

@dorothleah @mattmurdocksstarlight @mars-on-vinyl @mywellspringoflife @sleepdeprived-barelyalive @simmilarly @soupyspence @darkened-writer @akila-twt

@murc0ckmurc0ck @groovycass @sumo-b98 @just3rowsing @tongueofcat @zoom1374

@theclassicvinyldragon @aoi-targaryen @lunaticgurly @nikitawolfxo @shireentapestry @snakevyro @yondiii @echos-muses @honeybug-victoria @the-bisaster @ristare 

@mrs-bellingham @eugene-emt-roe @cometenthusiast @stevenknightmarc @yes-im-your-mom @hunnybelha @actorinfluence @capbrie @prowlingforfood @jupitervenusearthmars

@

Specialagentjackbauer @yarrystyleeza @ofmusesandsecrets 

@mayp11-blog @danzer8705 @thinking-at-dusk @remuslupinwifee @akila-twt  @nommingonfood @mattmurdocks6thscaleapartment @dil3mma @allllium 

@

two-unbeatable-beaters @kiwwia-wiwwia @1988-fiend @xblueriddlex @loves0phelia @ninacotte @lovelyygirl8 @littlenosoul @ednaaa-04  @ astridstark13

 @lovingkryptonitehideout @moongirlgodness @soocore @bluestuesday

@starry-night-20 @rebeccapineapple @writtenbyred @cherrypie5 @capswife @silvercharacterchaos @resting-confused-face

[tinietaehyun]

Bliss of Time

[WhiteRabbit!Soobin x Lost!Reader] [Wondrous Tales] [One-shot Series]

Pairing: WhiteRabbit!Soobin x Lost!Reader

Genres: fantasy, angst, romance, fluff, dark fantasy, alice in wonderland inspired.

Contains: profanity, mentions of beheading, punishment, implications of death, angsty themes, panic attacks, hallucinations, anxiety.

Links: Masterlist | Wondrous Tales Masterlist

Summary: With your abrupt arrival into this whimsical space, you wander around aimlessly. How odd, every turn you took, you ended up in the same spot.

Though as they say, third time’s the charm, when you encounter a blonde haired man, with a top hat and formal attire - goodness, were you going insane already?

The man gives you a gentle smile, walking towards you with his hand outstretched, “Goodness it’s been awhile since we’ve had any guests,” he observes you, “A pretty one no less.” That‘s it, you were definitely going insane.

He brings your hand to his lips with a soft gaze, “You must be so frazzled, guests always are. Well it’s my pleasure to be your guide. Now, come on, chop, chop, time’s ticking.” With a swift tug, you’re getting pulled along by this strangely tall man. What had you gotten yourself into?

Horrendous neon petals, purple stems and red bushes, multicoloured trees. Where on earth were you? Grotesque purple vines everywhere and a cobbled path that you had fallen upon, probably bruising the hell out of your knees.

Brushing yourself off, you stand up taking in your whimsical and wacky surroundings. The air smelled sweet and everything was disgustingly bright here. You yelp seeing a duck and her orange spotted ducklings waddle behind her.

This had to be some sort of dream, right? You picked up an invitation, opened up the envelope and poof! You were here. Yeah, this definitely had to be a dream. You pinch your arm and hiss in pain, no, no, you could feel pain. Perhaps this was just a really realistic dream?

Panic sets into your mind and you peer around lost. Where did you even come from? The sky? You remember falling, but there’s no portal, door or well, anything in the sky from where you supposedly fell. Your gaze drifts to a pitifully old, broken sign with faded letters: ‘Welcome to Wonderland.’

Great, just great. How lovely. You scramble around in your pockets to attempt to get your phone but to no avail. What the fuck? Where did your phone, keys, and whatever else you had on you go? No, no, no. You were well and truly trapped here with not even a way to call for help!

You groan dragging a hand down your stressed face, “Oh I’m fucked,” you shakily murmur, “This is bad, so, so bad.”

Building up some semblance of resilience and determination you begin following the path. Standing around wallowing in distress would get you nowhere, that’s for sure! Thus, you begin trekking down the bumpy path taking in your wild surroundings and hoping for the best.

After what seems like a few minutes, you spot the same neon yellow flower. Your brows furrow, maybe it was just another one of the same species. Yeah. No, wait- that tree with the broken branch, you swore you had passed that before. You look around and see the same broken sign.

“The fuck…?” You question wide-eyed, bamboozled by your circumstances. Did you just walk in one big circle? But the path seemed relatively straight? You didn’t take any turns? Huh? Confusion laces your features and you shake your head to get some bearings.

You walk down the path again, this time making note of key features, making sure you didn’t walk off the path at any point. Your jaw drops ajar seeing the same welcome sign. You were back to the beginning.

Your head pounds and your legs begin to ache. No, no, how long would you have to walk like this? Why was there no sense of direction? Was this your incapability or did this space have mischievous properties preventing you from leaving this spot? Dread fills your soul. A shaky breath escapes you, this was awful.

Would you rot here unable to escape this perpetually horrendous loop?

Shaking your head, you walk down the path. One more time. Maybe you just have to keep trying! Maybe there would be something different at least once, right? So, once again, you march down the path-

Only to be met with the same spot again. A frustrated scream escapes you, “No, no, no!”

Panic, disorientation and fatigue begin to plague your senses. This was the third time. How many more times would you have to walk this god forsaken path? Or were you just destined to never break free? Was this hell? Did you die? You’d go insane here!

The crunch of leaf litter alerts you and you peer around with your heart racing. What was that? Your body tenses and your breath hitches as tall, pale man with blonde locks and an absurdly tall top hat with two white ears embroidered on it as he pushes through the foliage.

You observe the male cautiously, gazing at his formal attire consisting of a baby blue satin shirt and various buckles, a waistcoat and sleek trousers and boots. His face however…was the picture of beauty in this wacky wasteland. So much so it almost causes you whiplash.

Maybe you did die, and this was an angel? His pouty lips, sharp, narrow nose and pale grey eyes. He looked beautiful. Oh, most definitely you must be going insane. Look at you, already hallucinating a stunning man!

The man gives you a gentle smile, walking towards you with his gloved hand outstretched. “Goodness it’s been awhile since we’ve had any guests,” he observes you taking in your face and form, “And a pretty one, no less.” You almost keel over on the spot.

Was this some perverse fantasy your brain thought of? Did you get drugged perhaps?

He clicks his tongue with a humourous hum, “Ah, ah, I see your brain gears turning, no need to overthink,” he pouts cooing, “You must be so confused right now,” he peers at his pocket watch, “I did run late after all! I do sincerely apologise, you can’t get out of the loop without my guidance after all!”

Your expression becomes deadpan. Of course you fucking can’t because that just makes sense, doesn’t it? He rambles softly, “Oh, I’ve been having such a busy day, running around here and there, you couldn’t imagine it! The King’s meeting overran as well because he couldn’t choose what to wear, goodness me-“

You cut in frankly, “Uhm, hey, Mr…?” You drawl awkwardly. “Call me Soobin, also known more commonly as the White Rabbit, the timekeeper. I do apologise, it’s utterly rude to not introduce myself. And you are?”

“Right…” you murmur, “Y/n. My name’s Y/n.” Soobin hums taking your hand and bringing it up to his lips, “Wonderful name. We’ve never ever had a Y/n visit Wonderland before. You must be so frazzled, guests always are. Well, it’s my pleasure to be your guide. Now, come on, chop, chop, time’s ticking.”

With a swift tug, you’re getting pulled along by this strange man. What had you gotten yourself into?

“I already walked this path,” you stammer trying to keep up with his long legs making quick strides. He seemed to be in a hurry. Soobin peers over his shoulder with a smile, “Oh, I’m well aware, lovely.” You quirk confused, “So…why are we walking down this route again?”

He chuckles, “Ah, well for those who don’t live here, the illusions here can be quite difficult to surpass.”

You sigh. You know what, if you want your sanity intact, you decide it’s best not to question it any further. “Right, makes sense,” you mutter. Soobin muses, “It does now, does it? It’s not supposed to, or are you used to walking in never ending loops?”

Rolling your eyes, you hum, “Not particularly, no. It seems you are, though.” He is delighted by your sarcastic remark, “You’ve got a little spunk, I like that. You’ll need some wit and resilience to make it here, after all. Wonderland isn’t for the weak minded.”

You grimace, “Good to know…” You glance down at his hand wrapped around yours. “Uh, Soobin, where exactly are you taking me?” You question unsurely.

“Well, there’s only one destination according to the King of Hearts rules! That’s his palace! All guests must be brought to the palace.” He hums. “King of Hearts? Is he the ruler of Wonderland?” You inquire. Soobin nods, “Indeed he is, it’s rather unfortunate.”

“Unfortunate? Why?” You question. Soobin grimaces, “Well, he’s…rather impulsive. Cruel, even. Often most people don’t make it out of her grasp, he’ll execute them if he grows bored.” You rip your hand out of his grasp with a bewildered expression, “Then why on earth would you take me there?”

Soobin gives you almost a pitiful smile, “It’s my duty to escort all guests to the King. It’s been years since our last guest, I believe you’ll be paraded rather highly.”

You shake your head and exclaim, “No, no, this King of Hearts seems terrible! Do you work for him? How many people have you led to their demise?”

Soobin’s eyes flicker with an unknown emotion, “Come now, lovely. Don’t make this difficult, I’m on a schedule here. Time’s ticking.”

You snap, “What schedule; as if anything in this shitshow of a world has a schedule!” Soobin flinches at your tone and he sighs in frustration, “It’s inevitable I suppose, you are right. I am destined to be late.”

You regard him with a blank expression. What does that even mean? Soobin chuckles at your lost expression, “No matter how much I follow my pocket watch, I’m always late. I have to thank the Hatter for that.”

“You’re throwing a lot of nonsensical words at me, Soobin,” you quip with confusion. Soobin’s fingers trail the rim of his hat, “I do apologise, it must be a lot. You’re the most stable guest I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, if that makes you feel any better.”

He’s apologising again? You almost feel an ounce of guilt for snapping at him. His eyes glimmer, peering into yours and you can’t help but feel a little bad. Perhaps, he was forced to play this twisted game of leading all those who appear here to what appears to be at most certain doom at the hands of the King of Hearts.

You dryly murmur, “Not really, but I appreciate the effort.” Soobin smiles, “So should we get moving?”

You deadpan, “Towards my death? Absolutely not. I’m awfully boring, you know.” Soobin folds his arms, peering at you, “You seem pretty entertaining now, lovely.” He was so damn pretty you might have almost believed him.

Snorting, you respond, “No, no. I doubt I’d take the King’s interest more than two minutes and oops! Off I go! Getting shot or hanged! Or whatever deranged punishment this world has.”

Soobin corrects you, “He prefers the guillotine, something about how satisfying a clean chop is.” You feel nauseous, “How? How is that meant to make me follow you?” Soobin mumbles, “I do suppose that is rather grotesque.”

You yell, “It’s more than grotesque! It’s fucking absurd! Slaughtering the pitiful souls like myself who have the unfortunate plight of stumbling into this place only to be executed because what? Because your ruler was fucking bored?”

A silence resounds loudly between the two of you as he gazes at you with mixed emotions painting his face. “We should really get going.” Your shoulders droop into a slouch, “Even after all that, you’re more concerned with your fucking schedule?”

A bitter laugh your lips, as you place a hand on your forehead, “God, I’m doomed here. With a guide who has no empathy.”

“I-I do, it’s just- the rules,” Soobin mumbles. You yelp, “Break them! Don’t you feel guilty at all, leading so many souls to their demise?” Your voice holds conviction and an impassioned tone that seems to stir something within Soobin.

“How can you be so complicit?” Your brows furrow, “Don’t you feel even an ounce of guilt? Of remorse, knowing what you’re leading them too? Do you even tell them where you’re taking them? That’s even more morbid!”

Soobin stands there hands behind his back, clasped together. His thoughts in a whirlwind mess; perhaps he shouldn’t have rambled. He never really did know how to contain his thoughts.

“You never know? You could be different? The King may come to like you?” He attempts to soothe your panicked rage. “If I’m not? How many people have you said that line to?” You shakily breathe out.

Silence is what you receive and you peer away wrapping your arms around yourself. Typical. Not one good justification.

Sweat drips down Soobin’s brow. He’d be late. He’d be late. His foot taps against the cobblestone and his heart races, fingers twitching and palms clammy. He’d be late. He had a schedule. His eyes almost seem manic. Guests weren’t usually this aware, this obstinate or stubborn.

Why did your silly words make so much sense in this nonsensical world? He was just doing his job right? He had to. That was his role. Ever since time was killed, he had struggled to keep up any time at all! It was so stressful and now that you were here, it would add to his insurmountable stress of getting you to the King on time before anyone else caught wind of your presence.

You observe Soobin, he seemed panicky. Nervous, anxious and overwhelmed. His pupils had shrunk and a manic expression on his face making you feel uneasy. “Soobin?”

“W-We really should keep m-moving?” He almost asks, as though it’s a question instead of a statement. You glare, “It’s like talking to a wall.” He stammers, “Lovely, I-I- I understand. I- I do.”

“You don’t. Don’t you want to break this cycle? I can see it. You don’t enjoy this. You don’t enjoy this pressure of whatever it is you do,” you plead. A sudden laugh escapes his lips, “Sorry, sorry. I’m just nervous. I laugh when I’m nervous.” Another chortle escapes his lips.

“You don’t need to apologise for everything.” You murmur awkwardly; perhaps he wasn’t as sane as he appears. He lets out another giggle, “L-Lets move, I don’t like standing around. Standing around means doing nothing. Doing n-nothing means no productivity. How c-can anything get done?”

An awful sense of dread fills you and you peer behind you, everything looks the same. You knew without Soobin, navigating Wonderland would be perilous and frankly for naught. Perhaps, you needed to take your chances with the King. Or…you could find a perfect chance to escape as you journey further. Yes, yes, just be patient and pretend to go along with it.

Sighing, you murmur, “Keep walking then, I guess.” A defeated expression coats your face and you see a glimmer of sadness in his eyes and he takes your hand with a subtle pout, “Please don’t be sad, it pain me so to see your pretty face stained by sadness.” You mumble, “Pretty hard to look on the bright side with no way home.”

You both begin walking and he mumbles, “Lovely I, I know.” You say nothing and after awhile, the scenery morphs and you sigh seeing the dancing flowers with their waving leaves. He looks at you expectantly as if he wanted to see you be awed or amused only to be met with your lacklustre reaction. How odd, most guests he guided loved this part!

Soobin stops facing you and tilts your head up by the chin, “Lovely, are these flowers not to your liking? Look at them dancing! Their smiles!” You frown, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” He questions. He laughs, a short manic laugh. “You don’t know. That’s okay. It’s okay not to know,” he reassures with an unsure expression. He tugs you along.

You almost feel bad for the guy. A ticking time bomb you could almost see. He must be under enormous pressure, especially with a ruler like…the King of Hearts. You could sense it, he had an ounce of goodness in there, a little sense of remorse, of guilt.

“Don’t you…don’t you want to spend some time for yourself? Are you ever free?” You ask. The question makes him freeze and he bursts out laughing startling you.

“Time…for myself? Time for myself? For me? How amusing! My lovely, is that what you asked?” You blink at him blankly, “Uh…yes? Doesn’t everyone deserve time off?”

A shattered expression appears on his face and he smiles almost brokenly, “Ah, perhaps in your world but the time keeper never sleeps. Never…dilly dallies.”

Your heart aches; you wonder what this man goes through on a daily basis to behave like this. Then again, being in this place would make anyone go insane.

He releases another frantic laugh, and abruptly cover his mouth, “I- sorr- I mean. You’re not like the other guests. It’s rather strange, how funny! I thought nothing could surprise me anymore in Wonderland. Yet, here you are.”

You raise a brow, “Uh…you mean showing basic empathy?” A manic smile appears on his visage, “Not one of my guests ever cared like you have. They usually just run off and get lost and died in some grave manner or they follow along and become the King’s, I don’t ever,” he giggles quietly, “don’t ever really hear from them again.”

You frown, “Oh Soobin.” He murmurs, “C-Can we move? We should move.” You hum, “Oh right, you don’t like standing around.”

His eyes glimmer as you both walk again, “You’re so…nice. You haven’t run away despite hearing all of this. Have you been here before? Or, or, have you already succumbed to the madness here?”

You sink into your own mind, why haven’t you run off? Maybe because you knew your own rationale and logic wouldn’t do shit here. Glancing back at Soobin, the way his large hand envelopes yours, your heart flutters and aches, you…kinda felt bad. You didn’t want to leave him alone. He gives you a soft, wavering smile, his eyes guilt-ridden.

“Soobin, I-“ your voice cracks. The air between you two becoming heavy. He shakes his head, “That’s preposterous…” he frowns, “That’s impossible. Then…why are you still with me?”

Truthfully, you answer, “I don’t know, Soobin. I just feel inclined to stay, I guess. Not like I could ever navigate this place alone anyway.” Your eyes lock for a moment, a torrent of emotions wash over Soobin and he abruptly peers away. In silence, you both walk along the path. An aura of panic and regret emanates off Soobin.

After a few minutes, you spot a large meadow full of pearlescent flowers, utterly gorgeous, glistening under the sun. In awe, you point at the meadow, “Those are so stunning, Soobin. I-“

Soobin murmurs, “Moon Lillies, beautiful aren’t they?” He peers at your wide-eyed excitement. His heart aches, you were different from the others who has the misfortune to arrive here in Wonderland.

Seeds of doubt had been implanted into his mind from your impassioned speech and thoughts. Did he really have to lead you down this path to your doom? Into Yeonjun’s grasp? Could…could this time be different?

Timidly, Soobin asks, “Why don’t we go take a look?” The very notion of taking a minor detour had his hands clamming up and heart palpitating fast. Time, time, time. He had work to do. He couldn’t dilly dally.

You squeal grasping his hand in gratitude, “Oh thank you! Yes, yes!” But how could he deny your endearing expression of exhilaration and joy? Maybe just a little detour wouldn’t be an issue, then the both of you would go right back onto the path. Yes, precisely.

Momentarily, your eyes widen in surprise as he in turn envelopes his large gloved hand over yours leading you towards the thousands of flowers. You can’t help but admire the way he walks, his strong, secure hold on your hand. His angelic features, the ever so subtle crease between his brows as though he was always deep in thought.

You had a feeling this wasn’t exactly part of the plan and would only delay the inevitable. Though, you were unsure why someone as obsessed with schedules and time would take this detour merely because you fawned over these flowers.

Did your words get to him? You feel his grasp on your hand tighten and you finally reach the sea of flowers. Oh, how ethereal this place was, a stark contrast to the wacky surroundings, this place also had its moments of beauty apparently?

“Soobin, these are beautiful, I can’t believe these exist.” You fawn in excitement releasing his hand as you run through the flowers, feeling free and almost magical in a sense. Soobin observes you as you wade and spin carefree through the flowers with a soft smile trying his best to ignore his twitching fingers and shaky hands.

“Only in Wonderland,” he muses, watching you prance around with an almost childlike innocence. Something stirs within him, the urge, no, the need to protect you from the horrors deeper located in this place. From the Red King of Hearts, the Cheshire Cat, and god forbid the Hatter. No. No he couldn’t let another soul become destroyed here.

You were right. Time for himself, to indulge in such a luxury…such as now. Felt revitalising, thrilling. Soobin peers at his shaking hands. Time. Time. Would he make it on time? No, why, why did he have to make it on time? Time was killed. But, why? Why did he have to follow this terrible cycle? Because he was afraid?

A short strangled laugh escapes his lips before morphing into a manic cackle startling you. “S-Soobin?” His bizarre gaze meets yours, “Yes, yes lovely, you’re right. Time for myself. I have a choice. I…I don’t have to go through with this. Not when…not with you, lovely.”

You murmur, “Are…you okay?” He lets out a laugh, “Yes, yes, I’m just not-” a giggle slips out to which he covers his mouth, “Yes, just not used to so much free time…such indulgence.” You frown peering down at his viciously shaking hands. What had this place done to this poor man? He seemed so panicky and anxious?

You tentatively approach him and take his hands in yours, peering up at him with an awkward but comforting smile, “Breathe. Breathe with me, Soobin. Look around you, how could you not stop to ever take in the sights?” You had learnt some breathing exercises when you were younger whenever you felt overwhelmed. It should help right?

“Sights…never had time,” he murmurs deliriously peering around at the flowers surrounding you two. The glistening pollen coating your skin in a pearlescent sheen. Soobin gazes down at you with a shaky breath; your big eyes peering up through your lashes, your lips moving, telling him to breathe with such a soft voice. Your hands, petite in comparison to his. How he wished to feel your velvet skin against his, ungloved.

Another strangled laugh, “Sorry, sorry. I’m just a little panicked is all.” You’re a bit taken aback as he grips your hands back tightly. Okay, perhaps he wasn’t entirely sane, but certainly quirky. His pupils were blown out and shaky breaths tumble from his luscious lips.

“Relax, Soobin. It’s okay. Nothing will happen. Uh…you don’t even need to worry, something about time getting killed right? It’s all in your head,” you reassure. Soobin gives you a smile (perhaps a little too wide, but he was cute regardless).

“Yes…yes. Time is…dead. No matter how much I hurry, I am bound to be late. No doubt about that now that we are here in this meadow,” he shakily hums. “Yes, yes, yes,” he deliriously hums, almost delighted by the bizarre revelation you’ve provided him.

Oh, how kind you were, knocking some sense into him! He was going to be late anyway, why not spend some time with you…his new favourite guest? His….lovely. Why did the King have to always ruin things? Why couldn’t the White Rabbit indulge in himself for a while? Yes, yes, he could, couldn’t he? It’s not so absurd of thought is it?

Soobin gazes at you as you wait expectantly. Oh how adorable you were! You yelp as he suddenly draws you into a tight hug. His large frame envelopes yours; the body heat of his seeping onto your frame; you murmur awkwardly returning the hug, “Ah, thank…you? May I ask why-“

Soobin releases you with a glimmer in his eyes, “You’re too good for this world. I’d hate to see anything happen to you. I…I feel as though you do not deserve your tragic fate. You have touched me unlike any other guest I’ve led.” He leans down and your breath hitches as he gives you a sweet smile, “The others, they cannot know of you. They’ll only know if I bring you to the palace right?” A wavering laugh escapes him once more.

You gulp, he was getting rather attached rather quickly. Huh, maybe this really was your ticket out of here. Your peer up at him again, he was…rather cute. He had this now hyper quality to him, which you attributed to breaking through his usual exterior and facade. Soobin murmurs, "Look over there.” He spins you with your shoulders and points over to the distance and you spot shimmering reflections and upon closer inspection, jewels hanging off the trees? No…not quite.

His breath brushes against your neck as he murmurs, “Diamond apples.” You splutter, “What, apples?”

“Diamond, they’re even prettier close up, I’ve heard. Though I’ve not see them,” another giggle, “But now, now let’s go. We’ll run out of time otherwise.” You stammer, “Didn’t you just say there wasn’t enough-“

He tugs you behind him as he strides quickly towards the diamond apple orchard using what seems to be a large glistening lake as a placeholder for direction. “Hey- let’s not get hasty-“ you breathlessly pant trying to make your legs keep up with him.

Soobin cackles peering back at you, “Come on, lovely,” his eyes wide and smile large, “Come on, don’t you want to have fun?” The sentence almost gives you whiplash, was this the same dude you had initially stumbled upon? Were you the one going insane? Surely not. No, he was. You weren’t.

Oddly enough, it settled your heart at ease to see him finally being carefree (albeit at your expense), well, not like you had anything to do. You chuckle as he trips over his own foot and he smiles bashfully. Oh damn him…and his charm!

Now that you mention it, his golden hair that bounced with the breeze underneath his hat, looked so utterly soft. You wonder how it would feel if you… No, keep it together y/n! He takes your other hand and spins you around and you squeal, feeling the wind whip through your hair and you let out a laugh. “Now who’s the serious one?”

“Hypocrite,” you murmur panting. He grins, a small pinkish hue coating his cheeks, “Oh lovely, I know…but I cannot explain how enlightened you’ve made me feel. You must care so much for me.”

You give him a bashful smile. You suppose you could say that…more so basic empathy but you weren’t one to ruin people’s delusions. This was probably his first break that he’s ever had. Huh, how odd…

You lock eyes as he looks at you, a gaze holding such adoration. Perhaps a little too much to be comfortable. He murmurs, snapping himself out of it, “C-Come on, we’re almost there.” Another tug and you yelp, laughing as he pulls you along, “Hold on-!”

The breeze wafts through your locks as you both run through the meadow and you can’t help but grin like an idiot. Both of your clothes stained with the pearlescent pollen giving your skin a shimmering hue akin to the reflection of the moon on open water. The sweet smell becoming ever so slightly disorienting.

Soon enough, you see the sparkling water of the massive lake, glittering under the comically large sun. Beside the lake is indeed an orchard and beautifully hung diamond apples. They really did look like diamonds carved into the shape of apples with their jagged and sculpted edges. Stunning, truly.

In amazement, you walk up to one of the trees, your hands trailing over the rough bark and peering up at the apples glimmering and glittering under the sun, “They’re gorgeous, wow…” “Aren’t they just?” He fawns.

Reaching up, he picks one handing it to you. It feels a little cold to the touch but you admire it as you ask, “Does it just grow like this? Is it edible? I don’t even know how this possible.”

Soobin takes in the cute expression you make as your curiosity overwhelms you, “Yes, it does grow this way naturally, and no, it’s not edible, well,” he lets out a chuckle, “Unless you want to lose your teeth that is.”

You raise a brow, “Uh, speaking from experience or…?” He gives you a wide grin, pointing at his pearly intact teeth, “No not me, lovely. I saw another do the same foolishly, all his teeth broke.” You grimace, “Right, of course.”

He peers at you, “Anything can grow here in Wonderland. Nothing’s impossible here, well, apart from eating this.” You snort, shaking your head, “I suppose so.”

You peer back up at into the foliage and canopy of the apple tree and a particularly large one catches your eye, on a slightly higher branch. It has little crystal blossoms too, oh, how incredibly pretty!

Soobin’s gaze seems to align with yours and he hums, “Do you want it, lovely? I can pick it for you?” Your brows furrow, “You may be rather ridiculously tall, but I damn well know that’s even high for you.” He peers down at you for a moment, the gears in his head turning. He lets out a laugh and his arms outstretch, “Then, we’ll join our heights. I’ll help you up.”

Stammering you halt his hands, “It’s alright-“ He tilts his head in confusion at your hesitance and you almost melt at the instinctual pout forming on his lips. Does he even realise how cute he looks at the moment? Ah…shit. Fine.

Mumbling, you reply, “Okay, uh, alright then. Pick me up- sorry if I’m too hea-“ You squeal as his hands grip your waist hoisting you up and a chaotic giggle escapes your lips as your hands steady yourself on a branch. You hear him snickering, “I believe my arms will get sore soon, lovely. I’d hate to drop such a pretty thing due to my own incapacity.”

A warmth bursts through your cheeks at his words. Clearing your throat, you stretch your arm up, twisting the apple and plucking it with the blossoms attached to its stem. Wow, it’s even prettier close up. “You can put me down,” you suggest. You yelp as you slip in his arms and your find your back pressed against his chest and arms securely wrapped around you. The smooth timbre of his voice resounds in your ear, “My apologies, my gloves do make it hard to hold onto you for very along. Are you hurt?”

Flustered, you turn around, “N-No.” Well, maybe your heart was in tatters at this point, but other than that, no. He peers at you, your gazes locking once more. He murmurs quietly, “Oh, you get cuter by the minute.”

You scoff setting some distance between the two of you, “I- oh hush.” Soobin smiles, “It’s true? Why must you be so reluctant to accept a compliment?” You huff, “Well, you’re handsome, saying that to me is just- of course I’ll be flustered!”

You observe a familiar tinge of pink dusting his cheeks and you smirk, “Ha! There! You know how I feel now.” Clearing his throat, “L-Lets get a move on,” he grasps your hand tugging you along.

“S-Soobin where are we going?” You yelp stumbling behind him. Damn him and his long legs. “I-I don’t know. But we’ve stayed here too long.” A hint of anxiety permeates his gaze and his fingers tighten around your hand.

You look up at the sky and notice the sun hasn’t changed position. Huh, time was truly dead here. You wonder how much time has passed back in your world. Seconds? Minutes? Days? Years? You shudder not wanting to give yourself an existential crisis.

You halt your feet seeing the shore of the lake, “Soobin, let’s sit by the lake.” He freezes looking at you over his shoulder, “Is…Is that okay?” Now he truly was as timid as a rabbit, goodness he was super hyper awhile back? “Uh…why wouldn’t it be?” You question confused.

“I just…nothing bad will happen right?” He shakily murmurs, “I-I have never done this. Gone off the…the path like this,” another panicked laugh escapes him, “It’s- It’s oddly thrilling, but I’m terrified at the same time. What…what if the King finds out?”

Soobin’s eyes shake as you both walk, “My…My head…” His voice wavers and you frown, “He can only know if you bring me to him right?”

He mutters, “Yes, yes. Right? It works that way right? There’s no way he can know. I always bring the guests to him. That’s just the way it is.” He peers back at you with uneasy smile, “As long as you remain with me, he…he’ll never know.”

The words strike a chord within you, making you feel ever so slightly anxious and at unease. The King seemed to be a terrifying person. You shiver, there was no way you could go to him! Soobin was your best bet for now!

You murmur reassuringly, squeezing his hand, “Hey, hey,” you smile softly, “Breathe.” The poor blonde haired man looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. He smiles shakily, “Yes…yes, breathe, thank you, lovely.”

With a swift tug, you’re both walking towards the shore of the lake. The water laps against the sediment and you have the urge to dip your feet into the refreshing water. Hurriedly, you remove your shoes and settle down by the shore dipping your toes into the immensely cooling water.

“Ah…” you sigh, it felt good after all that walking and running. You look up at him with your hand outstretched, “Come on Soobin, lighten up. Have you tried this before?”

He observes you almost as if you were the insane one here. How ironic! Tentatively, he sits down beside you and grimaces at the feeling of the dirt against his fine fabric. For you, he thinks, he’s willing to try. His heart races with anticipation. He likes this. With you, he felt as though time itself had stopped for you both (well, it already had but that’s besides the point.)

You look over to meet his gaze and you’re once again struck by his beautiful features. He removes his top hat putting is aside and your eyes widen ever so slightly at his fluffy blonde hair. Oh…to run your fingers through it.

Embarrassed at such a thought, you redirect your gaze back to the lapping waters and glistening surface of the lake. You feel his gaze on you, you find your hands fidgeting awkwardly. In an odd and twisted sense…this almost felt like a date.

You almost might have keeled over if this happened in real life, well, this was real life but…also not. You peer back over at Soobin, you’d never met someone like him before. Well, he was clingy you suppose in his own endearing way, and clearly had some issues to resolve, but doesn’t everyone?

“You’re…” he begins before looking away, a blush appearing on his cheeks. “I’m…?” You answer. “No, it’s just…” he mumbles, “…you’re so different. So…pure-hearted. Most just go against with the antics here and I…I have no choice but to lead them to the King of Hearts. But-but you…” With a bashful hum, you shrug, “No, no, you’re making me sound as though I changed your entire life. I just…I believe you needed some time off.”

In hesitation, you bite your lower lip, “I also… truthfully, I didn’t want you to take me to the King. So…I thought I could persuade you, you know? To not do that? By…taking a detour?” You wanted to be transparent, perhaps that would be a mistake, maybe he would tug you right back up and back onto the cobblestone path.

Soobin lets out a laugh, “Oh lovely, I’m aware. But who am I to stop you when we’re this far off? In fact you have enlightened me so, to the idea of going off the path, both figuratively and literally.” You let a breathy laugh, “You’re…not going to take me back to the path then?”

He muses slightly shakily, “No one has come for us, so far. This peace, I have never felt before. It’s…It’s addicting.”

His gaze pierces through you, “You’re addicting, lovely. You make me feel at ease. As though I am not slacking off, but spending meaningful time.” Okay, perhaps, he was very clingy, but you’d let it fly only because the way he looked at you made your heart perform a gymnastics routine within your ribcage and leaves you oddly breathless.

The cool water laps at your feet and you close your eyes feeling the soft breeze. A comfortable silence overlooks the two of you, sat side by side. Soobin peers at your hand on the ground and inches his fingers forward ever so slightly. You don’t let this go unnoticed as you try to keep from smiling like an idiot.

All this time, he had no problem grabbing your hand and pulling you along, but now, he was hesitating? You inch your fingers closer to his and his hand halts in surprise before you give him a small, shy smile. Your fingers intertwine over each other, enjoying the solace together. How odd, that a place as bizarre as Wonderland could be so…tranquil?

“For once I am glad that time is no longer a thing, for once, I am glad that I am destined to be late, so that I could have fortuitous opportunity to meet you,” he speaks. Your heart flutters and you murmur, “You certainly have a way with words.”

“I speak the truth, lovely, do I not?” He questions. A moment of quiet passes and he flushes as you scoot closer to him. The curve of his ears turning a subtle hue of red. “It’s…nice like this, to relax. Not have anything to worry about.”

It was a stark contrast to your busy life. Most of it spent working and socialising (much to your disinclination), it was draining. But here, you felt so…free. Unbound. Lightweight even, as though a speck of dust flowing in a beam of sunlight.

“…Do you also work…hard? What is the world you come from like? Your world must have time, it has been years since we have followed a clock. I’m the only one who does,” he brings out a golden pocket watch. It ticks and the gears churn but the hour and minute hand seem to move back and forth. How on earth does he even use that thing?

“Ah, well, yes, I do have a job. It…takes up majority of my time, unfortunately. It’s,” you breathe shakily, “It’s rough, but gotta get paid, you know?”

“Paid? You get money?” He questions and you gawk absurdly, “You…don’t?” He murmurs, “…No? It is merely my duty, as the White Rabbit, the Timekeeper,” he answers nonchalantly.

Well, you do suppose, living in this world, you’d be so insane, that money would the last of your worries. Nothing made sense here. You snort, “Right, of course. Normal rules don’t apply here, I forgot.”

Soobin inquires softly; his eyes glistening with curiosity, “Could…you tell me about your world? Your life? What’s it like?” He was so interested in you, it made your heart feel so utterly warm.

His fingers tighten their grasp atop yours, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of your hand. Soobin regards you expectantly and you begin to describe your terribly mundane life. As you do so, he pays you much attention, you don’t miss the way his eyes drop to your lips and back up to meet your gaze.

You don’t miss the way he shifts ever so slightly closer. How enamoured he seems to be with you, and oddly, how you relish in this attention, something you’ve never experienced before. “Your voice…I like hearing you talk,” he murmurs, not taking his eyes off you.

You hum, “I could say the same, your voice is nice to hear too.” It had a husk to it, but soft edge at the same time. “You, like my voice, lovely?” He quirks up at your words, eyes flickering with delight. His lips twitch in excitement.

Lovely. Oh goodness…the way he called you that, since you arrived. It just scratched your brain in all the right places. Fuck, were you becoming just as delusional? At this rate you were going to fall in love with a man you had just met!

You look back at Soobin who observes you as you have a mental debate with yourself. You can’t help but let your eyes flicker down to his utterly kissable lips. Oh, how unfair was life.

“Yes, I do…” you finally breathe out. He murmurs, a slight rasp to his voice; the tension in the air palpable, almost sweet to the taste, “Is there anything else you like?”

You hum, “About you?”

“About me,” he confirms. Since when did you get this close to him? Or did he get close to you? Your shoulders were touching, so were your thighs. Oh fuck, what was happening?

Shakily, you respond, “About…you, your hair. Your eyes…” He nods slowly his gaze travelling down from your hair, to your eyes down your face to your lips. Breathless, you resume, “Your…lips.”

Your faces were so close now, inches apart. Breaths mingling, noses brushing against each other. Oh how tempting, was this some sort of test? An illusion? You didn’t know, but something about this moment alone, made him ever so utterly irresistible.

“My…lips?” He breathes, and you nod. “I like yours too,” he breathlessly murmurs. With that, your hand cups his cheek and you lean forward pressing your lips to his. Ah well, fuck it, you’re in this deep and you doubt you could find your own way out, might as well do what you’d never normally do in the normal world, right?

Never knew, you had the capability to ensnare the White Rabbit of Wonderland. Choi Soobin. How odd indeed! Oh but the sweetness of his lips against yours was just too good, too sweet, too addictive.

Soobin’s other hand slides around your waist tugging you closer, his back hunches leaning over and tilting his head slightly giving you better access as your lips move against each other, tongues ever so slightly brushing against each other but not quite enough.

He speaks against your lips, “You’re irresistible.” You smile against his lips, “I could,” he kisses back fervently, “say, the same, ah” you breathe out pleasurably. His lips felt so soft.

Soobin felt as though he was indeed in heaven, kissing you felt more like a dream. An escape from his unshackled yet bound duties. An escape from his never ending time. Oh…how could he possibly let you go? He didn’t want you to leave, if you did…he-he’d have to wait for another guest (who would be nowhere near as perfect as you!) or in the meanwhile resume his duties for the King!

When he got this sweet taste of temptation, how could he ever go back to the way things were? Oh, no, no, no…

You release a muffled yelp of surprise as he leans forward caging your frame between his arm on the ground, his fingers still intertwined with yours and the other around your waist, as he kisses more passionately, desperately even. A groan escapes his lips; he was kissing you like a starved man, a man who was desperate. It had you feeling all sorts of ways, made your body buzz with anticipation and nervous excitement.

He breathes out, “Mm, I could spend all my time doing this,” and you let out a chuckle, “Ah, that’s quite the…suggestion there. I thought you didn’t like waiting around.” He pecks your lips, trailing the bridge of his nose along your jaw to your neck, “I don’t… but for some reason…now I don’t care, lovely.”

Both of you part, his forehead rests upon yours. This moment felt as though you were apart of a fairytale. You didn’t want it to end. He cups your face, “I find myself rather fond of you,” he smiles a little too widely, “Really fond of you.”

You shakily murmur, “I…I can tell.” Soobin murmurs, “How I wish, you could stay in Wonderland with me, there are so many more places to see. To show you. So much more we can do,” he murmurs. He parts from you keeping a hand cupped around your cheek. “Must you really return back home?” His brows furrow, “Must you really try to find the exit?”

Woah now, oh right! You were trying to get back home. That completely slipped your mind. Huh. You mumble, “Oh…right. Yeah, I- I probably should.”

Soobin pleads, “Oh lovely, but you bring me such solace and peace. Can’t you stay? We can hide away here, away from the rest? Didn’t you say you liked it here with no responsibilities and no burdens?” Oh dear, he is awfully persistent. You give him a small smile, “Soobin…you know I can’t.”

“Even…even after we kissed? Won’t you miss me?” His hands tremble and the familiar expression of panic coats his features, “H-H-How will I return back to my duties? W-What if I go insane like the Hatter? Once you leave…there’s no way you c-can even visit-“

“Hold on now, Soobin- lets calm down-“ you stammer awkwardly. You really needed him to guide you to the exit, he clearly knows where it is, if he’s speaking like this. However the trembling waver in his voice and pleading gaze twist and churn your heart in a painful manner. For some reason you felt almost a touch of guilt.

Perhaps it was the momentary euphoria, the blissful nature of everything that caused you two to bond so well, to become so…intimate, romantic even.

Did he fall for you already? Surely not, perhaps he’s just clinging onto the ideals you imparted, the way you make him feel at ease, not you, yourself. Right? Oh, but the way he’s looking at you tells you the very opposite. He wishes for your very being. You shift awkwardly peering away, “Soobin…I-“

He lets out a frantic laugh before covering his mouth, “It’s fine,” another manic laugh. “Really, I-I- understand. I…what was I thinking? That you’d wanted to stay. Wonderland is…a horrid place under this…this… whimsical facade.” He seems to be desperately muttering to himself trying his best to organise his chaotic thoughts.

“No, no, no, I can’t let the others lay their hands on you, you do not deserve such cruelty. If…If I can’t have you…then they certainly cannot.” Your heart drops to your stomach, well, that was certainly ominous. Surely, he wouldn’t be this possessive, right?

With more delirious murmuring, he abruptly stands placing his top hat back on and outstretches his hand to help you up. You peer at his cautiously, “W-Where are we going, Soobin?”

A pained look crosses his eyes, “The exit. You…you do not wish to…be here. And I do not wish to take you to the king. We are already off schedule, the path. I don’t want their f-filthy hands on you.”

You carefully take his hands and he pulls you into a hug. Your heart races; he was acting rather strange. “Come, come, chop, chop, let’s go. Time’s ticking.” Your eyes widen in as he tugs you along once more with determination. “Uh- are you sure, I mean- are you really just letting me go? I don’t know about this- Soobin- Soobin? Are you listening?” You call out.

An aura of paranoia surrounds him. Did the King already know? There’s no way. Well…there’s no way to tell if he did already know. If he did, then there would already be troops out on the hunt. He was the only one in Wonderland who knew when guests arrived. Right?

As much as it hurt him to do so, he knew he could only hide you for so long before suspicions would arise with the others. You wouldn’t last a day with the others. No, no, no. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to let you go.

Perhaps, perhaps he could find a way to visit your world instead. He’s always had been a little different from the rest of the mad bunch. He wasn’t insane, right? No, he was the normal one. He was always the normal one. That’s why you got along so well with him, well, that’s what he thinks anyway. There he was preoccupied with his thoughts again.

Yes, yes, he could attempt to visit your world. You must have had that invite with you, he could work with that. Somehow. Then you could be his safe little secret. Maybe…he could escape this hellhole for good? He would never have to serve the Hatter or King of Hearts ever again? A delusional laugh escapes Soobin’s lips as he strides along. Yes, yes, yes!

You observe him with a concerned expression, whatever internal battle he was having with himself didn’t seem to bode well for you. You wonder what he’s thinking of as he grins to himself.

As you walk along some foliage, a sudden checkered path appears and there’s a large hole in the ground, quite literally like a rabbit burrow. He stammers, “This…this is a short cut to the other side of Wonderland. It’s a bit dark but how I often move around.” You peer at the embroidered white rabbit ears on his hat. You deadpan, “…how fitting.”

“You’re not claustrophobic are you?” He asks shakily. “Uh…” you hesitate peering down into the dark hole, “Depends how narrow it can get.” “It’s okay, I’m with you,” he reassures. You grimace, “Wouldn’t that make it even more cramped?” His eyes widen, “But, but, I need to get you to the exit! I need to!”

You peer at him surprised, “Weren’t you opposed to all that before-“ Soobin clasps both your hand with a pleading gaze, “Come on, lovely, trust me. Trust me. I want you to be safe. I’m not insane like the others, I want to protect you from them.”

From who? The king? The others? Protect? Your head spins, fucking hell, there’s too much happening.

All of a sudden, the both of you are startled with a trumpet blowing and the heavy sound of armoured footsteps. You yelp clinging onto Soobin’s arm, “What the fuck is that?!” There’s no response, you look up to see how pale he’s become, “S-Soobin? Soobin? Hello? Hey!”

His lips twitch into a shaky smile, “Oh. Ah, they’ve found us. How…convenient. I thought no one else knew about you.” What the fuck was going on? Who? Your eyes widen as you tug his arm towards the hole, “Come on! Ah, I’m not claustrophobic all of a sudden! Let’s get moving!”

“It’s too late,” he sighs. You snap pulling at his arm, “The fuck you mean it’s too late?! Come on, move your feet!” He seems to be glued to his spot with fear in his eyes.

You panic as you see several armoured guards. A few holding a banners with ominous red hearts and tassles. Many hold heart shaped spears and stand in formation. A few aim heart shaped arrows at the two of you. You freeze, you were well and truly fucked. No wonder he wasn’t moving.

“Is..Is this the-“ you begin with trepidation. “The Red King of Heart’s troops, yes. Yes they are, lovely,” he answers weakly. One of the knights steps out and bellows, “The White Rabbit has been charged with treason and the dearest guest of Wonderland has been charged as an accomplice!”

You gawk enraged, accomplice? Treason! You snap, “What? We did nothing! You mean having fun is against the rules here?”

The knight ignores your protests and continues, “I hereby come on orders of the King to escort our guest as per usual ordinance since you have failed to do so White Rabbit.”

You look at Soobin who seems to remain silent gripping your hand like a vice. The knight’s eyes snap to yours, “Dearest guest, upon your arrival to the palace, you will be greeted hospitably by our ruler and also face minor punishment for your hand in deviating our timekeeper.”

You snarl, “You were watching!?” The troops flinch at your words and Soobin sighs, “It’s over, lovely. I knew I shouldn’t have deviated. I…I knew this was too good to be true. To indulge myself or to keep you safe. The moment you set foot here, there is only one path to take. After all, time is stuck here.”

You blink at him, anger rolling through you in waves, “Stop all this nonsense! Soobin! This-“ You splutter helplessly; you didn’t even know what to say to that!

“Please come with us with no retaliation or we will be forced to take more harsh measures. That pertains more to you, our dear guest.” They begin marching towards the two of you. Fuck, if you ran into the burrow, they’d shoot all the arrows.

“C-Can we not negotiate?” You stammer however your pleas ring on deaf ears. You scream as they encroach closer and Soobin’s hand never leaves yours; a defeated expression on his face, “I’m sorry, lovely. For my foolishness has gotten us here. It appears that our time, is up.”

Your eyes begin watering, “No, Soobin, no-“ The knights lunge at Soobin and pry him away and you scream piercingly grabbing his arms attempting some semblance of defiance. No, no, they couldn’t take him away from you! Fuck! You couldn’t go to the King!

You cry out, “Give him back! Please, we’ll both go! He’ll take m-me to the palace, in- in- fact, you can escort us b-both there! Promise!” Soobin peers at you as he gets ruthlessly tugged away and finally your grip slips with a final tug, your fingers lose touch and you gasp out painfully, “Soobin!”

The knights haul him away and you spot tears running down his face and his lips form a smile, “It’s okay…cooperate with them. Please. Just cooperate with them, l-lovely.” He hisses as they pin his arms back behind him and he grunts as he writhes against their grasp. He knew what his fate would be.

Tears drip down his cheeks and you see him begin to laugh, making your heart jump to your throat in nausea. It was different laugh from what you previously heard, it was…worse. Maddening. Soobin cackles as tears run down his face, “Lovely, don’t be sad, don’t be sad, please, please, please.”

More and more maniacal laughter emits from him. You peer around at the knights who seem utterly unfazed by his insane outburst. You tremble frozen to your spot as you feel the knights grip your arms pulling them behind you. Soobin is dragged away laughing and crying simultaneously; it caused your heart to ache.

Your throat feels dry and your fingertips cold as ice, fear envelopes you. You were alone once more, in this…new version of hell. You shakily ask the knights who grip and shove you forward, “W-What’s going to happen to Soobin?”

“The White Rabbit has been charged with treason for going against the order of the King. Thus, his punishment will naturally be an execution through beheading,” the knight says nonchalantly. “He’s the timekeeper, you can’t just-“ you stammer shakily. He interrupts with a cruel laugh, “Dearest guest, anything can be replaced. Even you. There’s been many guests though you have been the most different. Now you too, will end up on the same path.”

You feel sick. No…this had to be a bluff. You hear the other knights release a twisted chuckle. “Our majesty has been rather eager to see you.”

Another knight hums amused, “I wonder if they’ll make it longer than the last one.” They all resounding laugh as your blood runs cold.

In a resounding cheer, they haul you along like a lifeless puppet, “In the name of the King of Hearts, march forward!”

Taglist: @naoristerling @staaaarykids @tremendousphantommiracle @lun4kazumii @lunathewritingcat @ur-mother-realnotclickbait @taehyhunnzly @20crowsinahoodie @baekberrie @syraphyina @fullbodyblankets @soohashits @f4iryfever @themochiverse @atiny-chocolate-chip @nothingwithoutgyu @ethystclove @hancafe @nap-of-a-starr @isa942572 @evn-09 @ninitorih @m3chigo @tenleeluvr

[bearw-me]

new years kiss hard canons for hazbin? no big deal or anything- (would make my entire year if you did)

sure, no big deal. (this request made my whole year)

𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐊𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬 — 𝐇𝐚𝐳𝐛𝐢𝐧 𝐇𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐥

𐐒 includes : gender neutral!reader, alastor, charlie morningstar, vaggie, angel dust, sir pentious, husk, cherri bomb 𐐒 cw : fluff, mentions of drinking, kisses 𐐒 summary : to celebrate the new year Charlie + Alastor have thrown together a nice little party for the hotels inhabitants! 𐐒 note : first time hcs for a ton of characters! hope you guys enjoy!

To celebrate the new year, Charlie had come up with a wonderful idea that she had heard about through the angels. A wonderous party filled with spirits and surrounded by the people she treasured most to enjoy some fireworks, hopefully to start off a new year with high hopes!

With Alastor + Vaggie's help, they created a new balcony on the hotel just for the occasion. . . and to watch the fireworks burst and bubble brightly over hell.

➡ Alastor

the kiss would be unexpected on your part completely

after all, the overlord Alastor himself always has to have the upper-hand

what good would a surprise be if you knew he was going to kiss you the moment those fireworks burst and whistled into the sky?

He probably backs you up into a corner out of sight, or if your sitting by the bar he'll have you at the edge of the seat

He smiles wide, reveling in the fact that your squirming

"What's wrong my dear? Feeling uncomfortable?"

Alastor kisses you passionately, but also, as if he's never kissed someone in his life.

You can't even hear the fireworks behind him, just the static in your head and the press of his body against yours

he'd probably bite you too if he found himself enjoying your lips against his

His hand slithering up your back to hold you close, unable to wriggle away or fall back from him.

Immediately after he disappears

after all, he likes to keep you on your toes

➡ Charlie Morningstar

she's very. . . strange all night leading up to midnight

you just accredit it to stress; she's managed this whole thing by herself and wants it to be perfect

Charlie is checking up on you all night, talking fast as a whip and fiddling with her hands as if she's said everything but what she wants to

A half hour before the fireworks happen, you don't actually see her at all

You find the perfect spot on the balcony

Then, like 5 minutes before you're waiting for the fireworks to go off she just- appears- right next to you. Shoulder to shoulder

"Hey! Uh- could we- Could I ask you something?"

"So, So when the angels told me about 'New Years' and what they do to celebrate I kind of stumbled into a new tradition! And I-well I wasjustkindofwondering"

She was rambling again, petting her hair and not looking at you, trying to smile through it.

"Charlie?" You stop her, "Ask me."

And she doesn't really, just kind of takes your hand in hers and stares down at your lips with a mix of anxiety and content.

That's when realization hits you.

Charlie leans in, and its the softest feeling you've ever experienced.

Her kisses feel like the sun against yours, and you can feel her smile into it, already giddy that she's done it!

➡ Vaggie

vaggie is running around with charlie the whole night making sure things go off without a hitch

and in a hotel full of sinners. . . it takes a while

i think vaggie wouldn't kiss someone just for the hell of it

if she wants to kiss you, you mean a whole lot

so new years is a great deadline to give herself to suck up her courage and just do it

she doesn't usually like PDA (its not that she doesn't like it, its just how she is) but if she kissed you on the balcony, it wouldn't matter because everything else would just fall away

she'd have you in her arms, cupping your face and kissing you almost hesitantly, pecking you a few times before she's finally comfortable enough to finally fall into it

➡ Angel Dust

angel always has company with him so it'd be a pretty public thing if you wanted to kiss him (ofc he doesn't mind; just warning you)

would love your company on new years eve, and would keep you close during the cool night

he's drinking with husk for a bit before midnight starts coming around

and by then, he's already very smug, and very flirty with you

hints that you may be his choice of new years kiss (like he tells you and winks)

its a casual thing (i mean, he told you he'd do it when the clock struck midnight)

but when it happens. . . its like he can feel the fireworks in his chest

bonus if you kiss him back right after

its something he wasn't expecting entirely, but it makes him smile like a crushing teenager

tries to brush it off of course

➡ Sir Pentious

he's extremely nervous to ask you

and is all over the place with his ideas and talking to you

he wants to ask for a kiss and builds up the courage all night, coming up to you confidently and burning out the moment he reaches you

he just can't with you looking at him innocently like that

he goes off into a corner to give himself a pep-talk

"You're Sir Pentious! You can do this! You've built gadgets that have toppled crime rings!. . ."

but when it comes to you, all his plans to kiss you just sort of crumble away in his hands

every plan he's had

but he's determined to find one that works out!

You probably hear of his "rant" through the grape-vine and take a stroll over to where he is

you most definitely have to make a first step, no matter how small, just to give him some glimmer of hope to hold onto

He see's you staring at his chest, glancing away when he notices you and he's overwhelmed with his feelings

grabbing you just a few seconds before midnight and kissing you as if its the last time he'll ever do it

➡ Husk

husk is drinking all night

he likes the party over all, just doesn't want to be a part of it and left to his own devices by the bar

wasn't expecting to spend new years eve with you, but he's. . . actually kind of glad you'd sit with him to watch the fireworks

wouldn't tell you that

honestly, midnight goes by for a few seconds, and seeing others kiss he just kind of catches himself scanning the crowd and then glancing over at you

it surprises you both

but its not something he'd fight either

tries to shrug it off and smile when he leans in towards you

his kiss tickles your face, and his lips taste like black licorice from his whiskey

but its not the drinks that have his head buzzing

i really feel like he'd kiss you until there wasn't another breath left in his lungs; silently hoping it wouldn't be the last time he does it

➡ Cherri Bomb

Cherri asking you straight up if you want to make-out with her

she's very picky when it comes to people she likes (or intends to see later in the night) so feel flattered that she's been staring at you

likes to tease you if you get flustered too

"Aw come on! I've seen the way you've been staring at me ya creep!"

"Come on, I won't bite"

Cherri is DEFINITELY the one to kiss you right as the clock strikes midnight

counting down as loudly as she can until its time

she's probably staring at you all night, glancing at your lips and biting hers playfully

a deadly flirt for sure

and she's not afraid to ask you or surprise you either

or just pull you by the chin and smash her lips into yours

her kisses are rough, but in a good way, like its something she's wanted to a while

[snowysosturn]

Speeding Car - Matt Sturniolo Part 23

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29

Pairing : y/n x Matt Sturniolo

Summary : After six years with your boyfriend Alex, you start to mentally check out. At a UCLA party, Alex reconnects with his childhood friend Emily, who proposes a double date with her boyfriend Matt. Your attraction to Matt grows as he pays you the first real attention you've had in years, sparking a complicated emotional journey.

Warnings : MDNI, angst, tension, anxiety, mentions of car accident/reader in accident, aftermath of accident, trauma as a result of accident, memory loss, mentions of cheating, extreme guilt

It’s been a week since I got out of the hospital, and I wish I could say things were starting to make sense again, but they’re not. Physically, I got lucky. The only real injuries were a sprained wrist and some bruises, but mentally not so much. The memory loss feels like a black hole in my mind. It’s like I’ve been dropped into a version of my life that I don’t fully recognize, surrounded by people who feel more like strangers than anything else.

Alex has been around, sort of. He’s here in the way someone fulfills a duty they didn’t really sign up for. It's like he’s just going through the motions, and I feel it, how distant he is, how different everything feels between us. It’s weird because I don’t know why they’re like this, I don't remember if or when things changed. In my mind, everything was fine, but now.. everything about him feels off.

The first thing that confused me when I got home was why none of his things were in our apartment. I remember our place having his stuff scattered all over - his gym bag by the door, textbooks on the table, his clothes always draped over the back of the couch. But when I came back, it was almost like he didn’t live here. The absence was unsettling, like I was in someone else’s apartment instead of my own.

The memory loss is like living in a fog, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t break through it. Alex has been no help with trying to remember anything. He’s distant, dismissive, like being around me is more of an obligation than anything else. Hell he’s been no help with anything at all, trying to do things for myself, cooking, cleaning, even doing my hair is so hard, and I can’t help but feel that if the roles were reversed I’d be doing everything in my power to help him.

I feel lost in my own life, so I figure maybe it’s time to find some comfort elsewhere, someone who might actually have some answers.

I sit on the couch, my phone in hand, staring at the screen for what feels like forever. Who do I even reach out to when nothing feels familiar? After a while, one name keeps coming back to me. Nick. Our interaction at the hospital made me feel seen. I felt safe around him. I need someone who might actually care, someone who can help me piece together this fractured reality I’m living in.

I open up my messages and search for his name: Nick. There it is, our chat history. I can see the old texts, dozens of them, conversations that clearly meant something once. I can’t bring myself to read through them, though. The thought of diving into a version of me I can’t remember feels too overwhelming. What if I don’t like who I used to be? What if these texts reveal things I’m not ready to confront yet? My stomach twists with unease, but I shake it off.

Instead, I type out a quick message, simple and noncommittal.

"Hey Nick. Sorry for the text, but I was wondering if you’d want to hang out sometime? I’m trying to figure some stuff out, and maybe you could help me fill in some gaps."

I hit send before I can overthink it. Immediately, a wave of nerves crashes over me. What if he doesn’t reply? Or worse, what if he does, and it just makes everything even more confusing? But I need to do this. I need to try and get back some sense of who I was, even if it freaks me out a little.

I toss my phone onto the couch, not wanting to stare at it while I wait for a response. Maybe this will help. Maybe reconnecting with Nick can help me piece together parts of my life that feel like they’ve been erased.

Matt’s POV

The past week had been a blur of darkness. This is what I imagine hell to feel like. I hadn't left my bed, except to scavenge for food in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep. I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone seeing me like this, so I made sure to avoid everyone. When they knocked on my door, tried to offer comfort or check in on me, I told them to leave. I couldn’t handle it. It felt like I was grieving someone who was still alive, someone who didn’t even remember me.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling, replaying every moment of that night in my head. The headlights. The screeching tires. Her scream. The words I should’ve said but didn’t. They haunted me like a broken record, stuck on repeat, taunting me with the things I can never take back.

Then, there was a knock on the door.

“Go away” I muttered, barely above a whisper. I couldn’t handle another conversation, not now.

But the door opened anyway.

Nick stepped inside, his expression a mix of concern and frustration. "Matt, I’m coming in whether you like it or not."

I didn’t have the energy to fight him. I just stayed where I was, buried under the covers, as if they could shield me from everything I was feeling. Nick sat down at the edge of the bed, not saying anything at first, just looking at me like he didn’t know where to start.

After a minute, he broke the silence. “Y/n texted me.”

My heart clenched at the sound of her name. “What?”

“She asked me if I  wanted to hang out, maybe try to piece together some of her past. It’s so sad seeing her like this, like she doesn’t know anything. It’s like she’s starting over completely." Nick paused, running a hand through his hair. "And you know what's even weirder? Knowing that asshole Alex is still lurking around. I don’t get it, Matt. Why haven’t you reached out to her? She could use someone who actually cares about her."

I let out a bitter laugh. “I can’t, Nick. I’ll only hurt her. I’m the reason she’s like this in the first place.”

Nick’s brow furrowed, confused. “Why do you keep saying that? How the hell is this your fault? It was an accident Matt.”

I sat up slightly, leaning against the headboard, knowing I couldn’t avoid this conversation any longer. Nick deserved to know the truth. The weight of it all had been suffocating me, and maybe telling him would give me some kind of release, even if it didn’t take away the guilt.

“You don’t get it, Nick. You think I just liked Y/n, that it was some crush, but it went further than that. Way further. I loved her, I love her.” I took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice. “Since the night I met her we really clicked. We had this instant connection, like we just got each other. I started remembering the little things about her, like how she hated fish, or how she could be so quiet and then burst into laughter that filled a room. There was this one night, Emily asked me to get her purse from Y/n’s place, the night Alex got into the fight. I got there and when she opened the door, it was obvious she’d been crying, it killed me to see her like that, I thought about her the whole drive home so once I left Emily to the club I had to go back to her. So I brought her back here, we all ended up playing Mario Kart together, remember?"

Nick nodded but stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.

"I can’t explain to you how much comfort I found around her. The feeling she’d give me inside. I would've kissed her that night, man. I would have. But then you came in, telling us about that fight Alex had. The moment was gone. Then Emily gave out to me for being around her so I had to cut her off, but the feelings for her always stayed. The night we were all on the beach after Topgolf, it was just the two of us walking, I loved just being by her side, it felt so freeing to just be in her presence again.I wanted to kiss her so badly that night too but then it was Chris and that stupid fucking jelly fish. I couldn’t get enough of her, she opened up to me that night about Alex, told me she’d given up skating to provide for Alex. Have you ever seen that girl on the ice? I mean she was training for the fucking Olympics of all things. I just wanted to see her happy. So the next night, I rented out the LA King’s Valley ice skating rink just for her.. God if you could’ve seen the way she lit up that night, to give her something that was hers. I kissed her that night. Hell, I’d spare you the rest of the details, but… yeah, it wasn’t just a crush. I cared about her more than I’ve ever cared about anyone. I wanted to protect her, to be there for her, but I couldn’t even do that right.”

I swallowed hard, the guilt rising like bile in my throat. "The night of Tara’s party she told me that Alex and Emily were cheating on us. I thought it was my way out, Nick. I thought I could finally leave Emily and be with Y/n, and I knew she’d leave Alex. But then.. one of Y/n’s earrings must’ve fallen out in my bed when she passed out in there. Emily found it before I could even confront her about Alex. She blackmailed me, man. Said if I left her, she'd ruin Y/n’s life. She'd tell Alex everything, make her life a living hell."

Nick’s face twisted with anger. “And you believed her?”

“I did. I didn’t know what else to do. I’m a coward, Nick. I should’ve walked away right then and there, but I didn’t. I went to that party with Emily, and I told Y/n that what we had was a mistake and that it was over.” My voice cracked. “She was devastated. I could see it in her eyes. I shattered her heart right there and then in that bathroom. And then.. she ran.  She ran into the street. I tried to get her off the road but I was too late. One of the last things I heard her say was that she loved me. I know she was about to say she thought I loved her too, but I cut her off. I told her to get off the road. And then…”

I couldn’t finish the sentence. My throat tightened, and I pressed my hands to my face, trying to block out the memory.

Nick sat there, stunned. “Matt..”

“It’s my fault” I whispered. “All of it. She was only on that road because I made her believe what we had wasn’t real. But it was, Nick. She’s the realest thing I’ve ever had.”

Nick was quiet for a long moment, and then he shifted closer, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Matt, I get why you’re blaming yourself, but you didn’t make that car hit her. You didn’t cause the accident. And as for Emily? Screw her. Y/n would want you to fight for her, not to hide away."

I shook my head. "I can't, Nick. She doesn't even remember me. She doesn’t remember any of it. I’ve lost her."

Nick’s grip tightened, his voice soft but firm. “Then remind her. Show her who you are. Don’t let Emily, or Alex, or anyone else take that away from you. You love her. That’s all that matters.”

I wanted to believe him, but the guilt was too heavy, too consuming.

a/n: i'm literally only capable of posting this rn bc i watched the 2023 tea party and it made me laugh

taglist : @muwapsturniolo @anitahunt @sturnfannn @jayde510 @chrissfavhoe @babyalliah-777 @v33angel l @urmom69lol @willowrites @ribread03 @2muchofaslvt @sturnsaver @sleepysturniolo @jcsturniolo11 @jessie-essie @hoeforchrizz @mynbbys @sturniolopanini @mattsturnxoxo @delicatechrry @t77te @sturnsyaper69 @hotdismylife @maggot3647 @ivysturnss @noplaceissafeanymore @mattssgf @yourfavsturniologirl @maethem0nth @sillyponygrl @mattyblover07 @imjusthereforthesturniolosmut @dominicfikeenthusiast @mattsfavbigtitties @ncm9696 @chrisstvrns @schlutt4matty @chrissolos @ilusa @amelia-sturniolo3 @wonnieeluvvr @pussydestroyer100 @amexiass @mystinkylefttoe26 @lizzysmith110 @sturniololovebot @secret-sturniolo @freshythefishy @witchofthehour @stvrnlover @alizestvrnss @beachbabe000 @pinkdyit

[kymerawrites]

Simon is your ex.. and now baby daddy

You sat there for what seemed like hours, staring at the positive pregnancy test. It couldn't be. You'd been careful with Simon, and you hadn't seen anyone else in the weeks after the breakup. Your heart racing, you dialed his number from memory. It hurt that every digit was still burnt into your mind, but you couldn't think about anything other than the situation as you called your ex and waited for him to pick up.

"What the hell do you want, shym?" Your ex, Simon snapped.

You winced slightly at the sound of his deep, raspy voice. It brought back a lot of memories, both good and bad.

"I need to see you." You said quietly, your voice shaky and laced with anxiety

Simon was caught off guard by your sudden request. He didn't expect to hear from you again, especially after the way things ended between you both.

"Why?" He asked bluntly, his tone cold and distant

You took a deep breath, steadying your racing heart and gathering your thoughts before answering.

"There's something I need to tell you. Something important. Can we meet somewhere?" You asked, hoping he would agree

Simon paused for a moment, reluctantly considering your request. He knew he shouldn't see you again. It would only make things more complicated and confusing. But despite his better judgment, he found himself unable to resist.*

"Fine." He replied curtly. “Where and when?"

“You aren’t deployed right?” I asked

Simon was slightly surprised by your question but quickly composed himself.*

"No, I'm on leave right now." He replied, his voice still gruff and guarded. "Why do you ask?"

“Okay… come to my house if you’re in New York right now..” I asked expectantly

Simon raised an eyebrow at your request. He wasn't expecting you to invite him to your home. But he couldn't deny that he was curious about why you wanted to see him.*

"Alright." He agreed, albeit reluctantly. "I'll be there in an hour. And for the record, this better be important, shym."

An hour passed, I was walking in circles not knowing how I should bring the news to him, we broke up and it was a heavy and painful one, what if he doesn’t want to be in his or hers life? I was scared and trembling with fear.

Simon pulled up to your house, parking his car in your driveway. He sat there for a moment, gathering his thoughts and steeling himself for whatever you had to say to him. He had a million different scenarios running through his head, and none of them ended well.

He got out of the car, taking a deep breath before making his way up to your front door. He rang the doorbell, his heart racing as he waited for you to answer.

I opened the door, my heart leaping into my throat as I saw Simon standing there. He looked just as intimidating and intense as ever, like a dark force of nature. His eyes scanned over me, lingering on my face for a moment before he spoke.

"You going to let me in, or what?" He asked gruffly.

"Yeah, come in," I said quietly, stepping aside to let him enter.

Simon walked into the house, his eyes quickly taking in the familiar surroundings. It felt strange to be back here after everything that had happened between us.

"So..." He began, his gaze settling on me. “You wanted to talk to me?"

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. This was it. There was no going back now.

"Yes, I have something important to tell you." I said, my voice shaking slightly. "Can we sit down?"

My cat Mimi saw Simon and was instantly happy to see his companion

Simon's cold demeanor softened slightly as he saw Mimi. He couldn't resist the adorable cat, and he knelt down to scratch her behind the ears.

"Hey there, Mimi." *He murmured, a hint of a smile on his lips.

Mimi immediately rubbed against his hand, purring contentedly. Simon gently picked her up, holding her in his arms as he straightened up and looked at you. His gaze was a bit more relaxed now, but his walls were still firmly in place.

"She seems happy to see me." He commented casually

I sighed “she misses you.. so I guess she’s happy your back.”

Simon's expression softened a bit more at that. He knew how much Mimi had always liked him, almost as much as he had liked her.

"Yeah, she never did like anybody else." He said, gently stroking her head. There was a moment of silence, and he knew he needed to get to the point. "So, you said you had something to tell me?"

I took another deep breath, steeling myself for what was to come. I knew there was no easy way to say it, so I decided to rip the bandaid off quickly.

"I'm pregnant." I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

Simon's heart felt like it stopped. He froze, shock and disbelief etched across his face. He looked at me, his jaw clenching as he processed my words.

"You're... pregnant?" He repeated, his voice low and gravelly.

I swallowed hard, nodding slowly. I could see the mixture of surprise and disbelief on his face, and I braced myself for his reaction.

"Yes." I confirmed, my voice a little shaky. “I just found out a couple of days ago."

Simon was silent for what felt like an eternity. He was reeling from the news, his mind racing with a million different thoughts and emotions. He set Mimi down gently, running a hand through his hair.

"How far along are you?" He finally managed to ask, his voice tight and gruff.

I took another deep breath, mentally calculating the timeline.

"About seven weeks." I answered quietly. “I've been feeling nauseous and tired recently, so I took a test and... well, it was positive."

Simon's mind was racing. Six weeks. That meant I got pregnant around the time we were still together. He felt a mix of shock, confusion, and anger bubbling up inside him.

"Do you know..." He paused, his voice growing harsh. "Do you know if it's mine?"

My anxiety turned into anger in a split moment “if you think our breakup was over cheating then you’re fucking insane.”

Simon didn't back down, his own anger and frustration flaring up. He stepped towards me, his eyes narrowing.

"You can't blame me for asking, shym." He retorted, his voice cold and blunt. "We weren't exactly on the best terms when we broke up. And we weren't exactly careful the last time we were together." he reminded me sternly.

I felt a wave of anger wash over me as well.

"I know we weren't being careful," I snapped back, my voice raising slightly.* "But you seriously think I would go out and sleep with someone else when we were still together? When I still..."

I trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. I was mad at him for even questioning my loyalty.

Simon's eyes flashed with a mixture of anger and hurt as my words hung in the air. He knew I wasn't the type to cheat, but his own insecurities and doubts were getting the better of him.

"Then how the hell do you explain this?!" He demanded, gesturing towards my stomach.

“I.. I-..” I started trembling and felt I needed to throw up. I ran towards the bathroom

Simon watched as you rushed towards the bathroom, a flicker of concern on his face. He cursed under his breath and followed you into the bathroom, finding you hunched over the toilet, retching violently.

Simon knelt behind you, holding your hair away from your face as you retched into the toilet. He didn't say anything, just silently supporting you and rubbing your back gently.

I just nodded in response

Simon gently helped you sit up, leaning against the wall, before grabbing a towel and wiping your forehead. He sat down beside you wordlessly, his gaze focused on your face.

We sat in silence for a few moments, the only sound being your ragged breathing. Simon's mind was still reeling from the news, but he tried to keep his emotions in check. He took a deep breath before speaking again.

"You're really pregnant.." He said softly, more to himself than to you.

I nodded again, unable to meet his gaze. I was feeling vulnerable and exposed, my emotional defenses at an all-time low. I felt raw and exhausted, both physically and mentally.

Simon looked at you, taking in your exhaustion and vulnerability. He felt a pang of guilt and regret, realizing the effect his harsh words earlier must have had on you. He reached out tentatively, hesitating for a moment before placing his hand on your shoulder.

"Hey.." He said, his voice unusually gentle. ”Look at me."

I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his gaze. His expression was softer now, his usual hardness replaced by a hint of concern and regret. It was a rare sight, and it only served to make me more vulnerable and emotional.

“Simon.. I promise you, it is yours. I have seen no one, even while you were deployed, you were…” I paused hesitating there words I would say. “the only man I loved..” I looked down again

Simon was stunned into silence by your words. He had expected a fight, accusations, and anger, but hearing your sincere declaration caught him off guard. He could feel his defenses crumbling as he looked at you, seeing the raw emotion and honesty in your eyes.

"You... loved me." He repeated slowly, his voice low and gruff.

I scoffed “ofcourse I loved you Simon, you made me feel that certain way which no one else could, you gave me a reason to live, a thrill something to look out for. Until we broke up ofcourse.”

Simon clenched his jaw, a wave of guilt washing over him as he heard your words. He knew he had caused you pain and heartbreak, but hearing you say it out loud only made him feel worse.

"I know I messed up." He said gruffly, looking away from you. "I shouldn't have pushed you away.. I shouldn't have broken up with you."

He paused for a moment, his chest tightening as he thought about everything he had lost. But then he looked at you again, his gaze softening as he took in your exhausted and vulnerable state.

"I'm sorry.. for everything." He said quietly, his voice filled with regret. "But... if what you're saying is true.. that the baby is mine.."

He trailed off, conflicted emotions warring within him. The thought of fatherhood terrified and overwhelmed him. He had never planned or desired to become a father. Yet, the idea of you carrying his child filled him with a strange sense of responsibility and protectiveness..

*He took a deep breath, his eyes locked on your face.

"What do you plan on doing?" *He finally asked, his voice laced with uncertainty and a hint of anxiety.

Simon nodded, understanding your feelings. He too was dealing with a whirlwind of emotions in that moment. He was quiet for a few moments, staring at the tiled floor as he tried to make sense of everything.

"Do you want the baby?" *He asked quietly, still not looking at you.

“You know it’s always been a dream of mine to have a family, but with the current situation I don’t know if that’s possible..” I sighed softly

Simon felt a pang of guilt and sadness when he heard your answer. He knew how much you had always wanted a family, and it was partially his fault that you were now in this difficult situation.

"The current situation.. you mean me." He stated bluntly, his gaze fixated on his hands.

I nodded feeling embarrassed, one of the greater factors was that he was always deployed and the breakup also was a big reason why.

Simon clenched his jaw, anger surging up in him once again. He knew he couldn't blame you for feeling the way you did. His job, his lifestyle.. it didn't exactly lend itself to a stable family life.

He knew he had a choice to make. He could walk away, pretend none of this happened. Or...

"What if.. I changed?" He asked suddenly, his voice low and gruff.

I looked shocked at him “I cannot ask you that Simon! The military is your lifeline, your friends and people you consider your brothers are there..” I paused and firmly said “no, you will not change. I just want you to be more careful and be more present. Which means take less missions.”

Simon felt a sense of frustration and relief at your response. He had expected to fight with you, to argue and protest. But instead, you were being understanding and supportive. It made him feel a pang of guilt.

"You're too damn good to me." He muttered, shaking his head.

"I can't just take less missions... I'm a Lieutenant in Task Force 141. I have responsibilities. And my team depends on me."

I took some time to think “alright.. I get that, when this baby is born I’ll get sole custody and make sure you get visitation.. I don’t think we should get back together again.”

Simon felt a pang of disappointment as you said those words. Despite everything that had happened between you, a part of him still wanted to make things work. But he also knew you had a point, and he had no one to blame but himself for the mess he had caused.

"Visitation.." He repeated gruffly, the word like a punch to the gut.

I got up from the bathroom tiles and walked towards the couch sitting down “Simon, we are in no position to even get back together for now.. also 50/50 won’t work with your schedule..”

Simon followed you silently, seating himself on the couch a few feet away from you. He knew you were right, but his heart was still in turmoil. All he wanted to do was hold you close and make things right, but his responsibilities and the current circumstances made that impossible.

"I hate this." He grumbled, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "I hate that I can't be there for you and the baby the way I should be."

I held his hand “Simon, don’t. We will still make amazing parents, and when the time comes you can decide how we will fix the rest..”

Simon looked down at your hand in his large one, feeling a mixture of gratitude and sorrow. He knew you were trying to look on the positive side, but he was still racked with guilt over the situation. He squeezed your hand gently.

"You're too good to me, you know that?" He said gruffly, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

I just smiled. And we made a great duo as parents, on month 2 was my first appointment with the gynecologist, Simon was deployed but surprised me when I walked in

Simon had managed to arrange a surprise trip home after hearing about your appointment. He had told his team it was a family emergency, knowing they would understand. Now, he was standing in the waiting room, anxiously waiting for you to arrive.

And then I saw him sitting with his skull mask and hoodie on “Simon!” I ran towards him

Simon's face lit up as he saw you running towards him. He got up from his seat and opened his arms, enveloping you in a tight hug. He felt a sense of relief and happiness at seeing you.

"Hey, love." He mumbled against your hair, inhaling your familiar scent.

“What are you?…” out of no where my face got angry “you are deployed Simon Riley! This isn’t acceptable. Poor Johnny what is he without his friend..”

Simon rolled his eyes, but he was secretly pleased by your reaction. He knew you cared deeply for his well-being.

"Calm down, love." He said gruffly, pulling you closer to his body. "I was able to arrange a few days off. Johnny and the others can handle themselves without me for a while."

I laughed “I miss being called love..”

*Simon chuckled softly, his hand coming up to cup your cheek.

"I miss saying it." He admitted, his eyes roaming over your face. He hadn't realized how much he had missed being with you until this moment.

Until I heard my name “miss shym medusa?”

*Simon turned his attention to the nurse who had called your name. He gave you one last squeeze before pulling away.

"Guess that's your cue." He said with a smirk.

I smiled back and walked turning around “what are you waiting for Riley, you need to come with me.”

Simon raised an eyebrow, a sly smile playing on his lips. He got up and followed you down the hall.

"Since when do you boss me around, love?" He teased, his voice low and gravelly.

“Since i know how to make money.” I rolled my eyes

*Simon chuckled, his hand resting on the small of your back as he followed you into the room.

"Oh, so you're only bossy when you're the money maker, eh?" He teased, eyeing you with a glint of admiration and desire in his eyes.

Eventually everything was looking great with the baby, and our next appointment was next month, just a checkup and at 4 months I could maybe know the gender

When we walked out I got a craving “Simon can we go to that 24/7 diner and get a freak sundae and burger with fries?”

Simon chuckled at your sudden craving, shaking his head amused.

"Of course, love. I don't think I could refuse you anything anyway." He said with a grin, taking your hand in his and heading towards the diner.

After a few days Simon left to go back into the battlefield, and it went by in a blur at month 4 he and his crew came back and they ended up at my place

Simon and the crew arrived at your place, weary and exhausted after their latest mission. They had a few beers on the way and were feeling a little buzzed. As they entered your place, they found you in the living room, watching TV.

Simon's eyes lit up as soon as he saw you, a wave of emotions rushing over him. He missed you more than he cared to admit, and seeing you now brought him a rare sense of peace amidst the chaos of his life.

"Hey, love." *He said softly, walking over to you and sitting down beside you on the couch.

Somehow we naturally got back together, and it felt good knowing we could resolve our issues, my belly was bigger than 2 months ago and he was a little surprised but happy until I saw the rest of the crew walking behind him

Simon turned around to see the rest of the crew gathered in the living room. Johnny, Gaz and price, all of them sporting grins and knowing looks. Simon rolled his eyes, realizing they were all looking at him and your belly.

Simon turned around to see the rest of the crew gathered in the living room. Johnny, Gaz and price, all of them sporting grins and knowing looks. Simon rolled his eyes, realizing they were all looking at him and your belly.

Johnny, being his usual self, was the first to speak up.

"Bloody hell, mate. Looks like you've been busy." *He said with a smirk, eyeing your belly.

I stood up from the couch and gave a fist bump to Johnny “hey atleast it gave some good results!”

Johnny chuckled and returned the fist bump, his gaze flicking between you and Simon. Gaz and Price also gave you a nod in greeting, both of them grinning.

"A baby, eh?" Gaz said, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

I rolled my eyes “see this is why my cousin is the LAST person to know about his nephew or niece coming.”

The whole crew chuckled, their eyes now on Simon.

"You didn't tell us you knocked her up, mate?" Johnny said with a laugh, playfully shoving Simon's shoulder.

Simon grumbled and swatted Johnny's hand away.

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, idiots." *He muttered gruffly, feeling a bit sheepish under their teasing.*

Price, always the one to be a smartass, smirked and raised an eyebrow.

"And here I thought you had no feelings, Ghost."

“Price where is your wife exactly?” I said smirking

Price's grin faltered, the crew and Simon busting out laughing at your response. Price grumbled and gave you a playful glare.

"Low blow, shym."

I burst out laughing “oh come on price! We all know you and laswell are secretly married!”

Price tried to keep a straight face, but he couldn't hold back a small chuckle. The crew's laughter grew louder, Johnny practically rolling on the ground with laughter.

"Can never get anything past you, can I?" Price said with a reluctant grin.

“Simon baby can you please go to the store and get my a Philly cheesesteak..” I said pouting

Simon chuckled, clearly amused by your request. He knew you had been having cravings lately, and he was powerless to deny you anything.

"Of course, love." He said with a fond smile, standing up from the couch.

The crew couldn't help but raise their eyebrows, their grins growing even wider.

"And there he goes, whipped as ever." Johnny said with a laugh, watching fondly as Simon grabbed his keys.

When he closed the door I instantly stood up “guys here is the plan. We are doing a babyshower, and I want Simon to find out the gender together with me..”

*The crew's grins turned even wider at your words. Price, being the de facto leader within the group, nodded in agreement.

"Count us in, shym. This is gonna be gold."

I smiled and gave the note with the gender, which I haven’t read yet because I also want to be surprised to price “Simon sees you as his father figure, I hope you and the rest can help us make that day unforgettable..”

Price's expression softened as you handed him the note. He gave you a nod and took it, a determined look in his eyes now.

"We'll do everything to make this the best damn surprise for him and you, shym. Count on it."

The surprise party went amazing, the guys and my best friends made a beautiful surprise gender party in the park, sun was shining and I was wearing an white dress with my bump clearly showing, there were a lot of people, Simon’s teammates and a lot of friends and family

As Simon approached the park, his eyes widened as he saw the setup. Streamers, balloons, tables covered in food and drinks, and a crowd of people gathered around. He recognized a few faces from the team and friends, and noticed you standing a few feet away, your white dress highlighting your baby bump.

Simon's heart skipped a beat as he spotted you, looking radiant in your white dress. He made his way towards you, the crew and everyone else turning to face him as he approached. Johnny gave him a sly grin and gave him a nudge with his elbow.

“Looks like the party’s for you, mate.” Johnny said with a smirk.

Simon grumbled and rolled his eyes, feeling a mix of surprise and irritation, but also a flicker of excitement in his chest. He walked over to you, taking in the sight of your bump under the white dress. He couldn’t help but smile.

“You planned this?” *He asked softly, his eyes on your face.

*You smiled coyly, playing innocent.

"Me? No.” You said, biting your lip to suppress a grin. “It was all these lovely people.”

The crew chuckled, knowing damn well it was all your idea. Price walked up to Simon and clapped him on the shoulder.

Simon rolled his eyes again, knowing damn well you were lying. He glanced at Price, his expression softening as he spotted the mischievous glint in the man’s eyes.

“Right, because you all just decided to throw a party out of the blue.” He said sarcastically, a hint of amusement in his voice.

The party was in full swing, everyone chatting and laughing, enjoying themselves. Simon had reconnected with your parents and caught up with old friends.

However, as the sun started to go down, a hush fell over the crowd. Everyone knew what was coming next - the gender reveal.

Simon, standing beside you, felt a mixture of anticipation and nervousness. He didn’t show it, of course, his expression still stoic. But he was looking forward to this moment, eager to find out whether it was a boy or a girl.

You took his hand in yours, giving it a gentle squeeze. The park had gone silent, all eyes on you and Simon. The crew had their phones ready to capture the moment, knowing how much it would mean to their friend.

I screamed at price to give the sign “go!” And then we heard 2 military airplanes above us, and releasing a color, which was pink.

The crowd let out a collective gasp as two military airplanes soared overhead, releasing pink smoke in their wake.

Simon’s heart skipped a beat, his eyes on the pink smoke trailing behind the planes.

The crew cheered and clapped, Johnny whooping loudly. Price had a small, rare grin on his face, proud to be part of this moment.

I started crying almost hysterically from happiness and kissed Simon, we didn’t have any love or touch like that in months

Simon pulled you into his arms, his hands moving to cup your face as he kissed you back. All the suppressed emotions from the past few months came rushing to the surface as he held you, his lips against yours.

The crew cheered and whooped, feeling a burst of happiness for their friend.

Price and the others watched the couple with smiles on their faces. They knew how much this moment meant to both of you, especially to Simon after everything he had been through.

Johnny elbowed Gaz and nodded towards the couple, grinning.*

“Look at him go. Haven’t seen him that happy in ages.”

Gaz chuckled, watching as Simon broke the kiss and pulled you closer to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around you. He was practically radiating happiness, which was a rare sight for them to see on their stoic comrade’s face.

“Guess he finally found his soft spot, eh?” Gaz said, a smirk on his lips.

Johnny nodded “his daughter and his girlfriend.. man when can we have a wedding?!”

Everyone chuckled, the idea of Simon’s wedding eliciting some light-hearted banter from the crew. Price rubbed his beard thoughtfully.

“Now, that’s a sight I’d like to see.” He said, a small smirk on his face.

The last 5 months were a bliss, general Shepard gave his congratulations towards our upcoming child and gave Simon the opportunity to stay closer at home, with his task force, another team would take over their duties for a while.

Simon was grateful for the opportunity to stay closer to home, especially now that you were nearing the end of your pregnancy. He was still fiercely protective, always ensuring your safety and comfort. The crew, meanwhile, had reluctantly agreed to hand over their duties to another team for now, though they missed the action and banter.

In those 5 months we had a few more appointments, baby shopping, and a lot of crying from cravings

Simon begrudgingly went along for the ride, reluctantly helping you with baby shopping. But he secretly enjoyed every minute of it, seeing you so excited and happy.

We also got engaged on the beach as we could finally go on a vacation towards the Seychelles were my parents loved it was beautiful

The vacation to the Seychelles was a much-needed break for both of you. The pristine white sand, crystal clear waters, and lush greenery provided a perfect setting for a romantic proposal.

Simon planned everything meticulously, with Price's help of course. One evening, as the sun began to dip below the horizon, casting an orange hue over the beach, he led you down to the shoreline.

He held your hand and guided you through the sand, eventually stopping in an intimate spot hidden away by a cluster of palm trees. The sound of the waves gently crashing against the shore filled the air, creating a soothing soundtrack to the moment.

Simon turned to face you, his eyes locking on yours. He paused for a moment, taking in the sight of you, bathed in the warm evening light. He took a deep breath and began speaking, his voice a little shaky with nerves but determined.

"I never thought I'd be standing here, saying these words. But then again, I never thought I would find someone who would accept me for who I am."

He took your other hand and intertwined your fingers together, holding them tightly.

"When we first met, I never imagined we'd end up here, having a baby together."

"I never thought I'd be standing here, saying these words. But then again, I never thought I would find someone who would accept me for who I am."

He took your other hand and intertwined your fingers together, holding them tightly.

"When we first met, I never imagined we'd end up here, having a baby together." He paused “I could have never imagined that you would make me realize i should not have to hide my face anymore..”

He took a deep breath, the words pouring out of him now.

"You've seen me at my lowest, and yet you still love me. You've seen all my scars, inside and out, and you accept me for who I am. That means more to me than you could ever know."

He reached up and gently touched your face, his thumb tracing along your skin.

"I'm not good at expressing my feelings, you know that. But when I look at you, when I think about our baby on the way, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

He dropped to one knee, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small box. He opened it to reveal a simple, yet beautiful engagement ring.

Ofcourse I said yes, we instantly went back to our parents house and went to a great restaurant at my fathers hotel, which I now would inherit.

As week 40 rolled around, Simon was more on edge than ever. He was constantly checking on you, making sure you were comfortable and took care of yourself. The crew tried to tell him to relax, that it was natural for you to reach this stage, but it didn’t calm his nerves one bit.

He practically glued himself to your side, helping with anything you needed and going with you to every appointment. The crew would occasionally tease him, telling him to calm down and that you were in good hands with your doctors, but he just ignored them, knowing they couldn’t understand the depth of his fear and worry.

It was the middle of the night when you woke up with contractions, signaling the start of labor. Simon was fast asleep beside you at first, but as soon as he felt you move he was instantly awake, jolting upright in bed.

He immediately sat up, his eyes fixed on you.

“Is it time?” He asked, his voice a low, urgent whisper.

He reached over and switched on the bedside lamp, the warm glow illuminating the room. He scooted closer to you, taking your hand in his.

You nodded, gripping his hand tightly. The contractions were getting stronger and closer together, the pain becoming more intense. Simon's heart was pounding, his mind racing with anxiety and worry.

“Get the bag Simon and drive to the hospital..”

Simon nodded, snapping out of his daze. He quickly got out of bed and grabbed the hospital bag that you had packed for exactly this moment.

He rushed around the bedroom, grabbing your wallet and phone and shoving them into the bag. Meanwhile, you were trying to remain calm through the contractions. Simon was a bundle of nerves, struggling to keep his hands from shaking as he zipped up the bag.

Once he had everything, he hurried over to you and helped you up from the bed.

“Come on, love. Let’s get you to the car.” He said, his voice steady but betraying a hint of fear.

He wrapped his arm around your waist, supporting you as you walked out of the bedroom and made your way to the front door. Once outside, Simon opened the car door for you and helped you get in, making sure you were comfortable before closing it and jogging over to the driver’s side.

He got behind the wheel and started the car, his hands trembling slightly. He took a few slow, deep breaths to try and calm himself down, but his heart was still racing. He glanced over at you, noticing the pain on your face from the contractions.

He reached out and took your hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Hang in there, love. We’re almost there. Just breathe, okay?”

When I layed in the hospital bed I was already 6 meters dilated, those were the hardest 5 hours of my life. Everyone we knew waited in the waiting room

Those five hours were a never-ending nightmare for Simon. He sat beside you the entire time, holding your hand and offering what little comfort he could. He watched helplessly as you went through the worst pain he had ever seen, wanting more than anything to take it away.

The crew, friends and your parents waited anxiously in the waiting room, pacing around and checking their phones every few minutes. Price was trying his best to keep them calm and keep their minds off the situation, but everyone was on edge.

And then they heard the baby crying, i successfully delivered our daughter

As the baby let out her first cry, Simon's heart swelled in his chest. He looked at you, tears welling up in his eyes. It was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.

I was exhausted, but held the baby while crying. Simon got the chance to cut her umbilical cord and when everything died down a little we choose a name.

After the nurses had cleaned up the baby and made sure that both you and her were stable and healthy, Simon held her in his arms, cradling her gently against his chest. He looked down at her tiny face, marveling at how perfect she was.

He turned to you, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Have you thought about a name yet, love?"

“She looks just like me..” I smiled

Simon chuckled softly, looking down at the baby and then back at you. She did look a lot like you, with your eyes and hair.

"She does,” he agreed, his voice gruff with emotion. "She's beautiful, just like her momma.”

I sighed “I want to call her Amara hope Riley..” I said exhaustively

Simon smiled as he listened to your suggestion, rolling the name around in his mind. Amara, it sounded beautiful.

"Amara Hope Riley," he repeated, the words falling from his lips like a gentle whisper. "It's perfect, love. Just perfect."

[tiramissyoucake]

Trying my hand at angst, I don't like this but here you go fjsjfdj

Gojo misses reader and is a mitski fan here, sfw, 1.6k words

Satoru knew he was clingy, he knows he can be overbearing with you at times and you've constantly reassured him that it's one of the many qualities you like about him; you even called it cute and compared him to a lost kitten. However, the longer you're gone, the more stressed he gets, thoughts of worry plague his head if they go unanswered for too long—how you are doing? Is everything going smoothly? Did you eat a full proper meal? Are you sleeping well? He never had to worry for long because he would get an answer the next time he sees you, which would usually be the next few hours or the next day.

When you told him about a trip you had to take out of town to visit family and stay with them for a while, he only smiled and helped you pack as anxiety rattled in his chest— as if trying to bring your attention to it. he chooses to remain silent about his worries even after you tell him you'll be gone for over a week, even if every bone in his body is telling him to trap you in his arms and beg you to stay.

Clingliness be damned, he loved you too much to remain separated from you for over a week, let alone a day.

Dread crept at the back of his mind as you explained your trip, why you were going and when will you leave and return, the entire time Satoru tried to listen his mind would wander and begin to memorise your features as you spoke— the shape of your lips, the crinkle in your eyelids, the structure of your nose, god, did he tell you look beautiful? He couldn't recall if he did today.

".. so don't expect fast replies, okay?"

The dumbfounded expression quickly took over Satoru's features as he sat up, he remembered he mentioned he would call or text you if he gets lonely but after that his brain tuned out his surroundings as if preparing itself for a week of loneliness.

".. repeat that for me, Baby? Please?"

"I said the service is pretty bad at my grandparent's place, so don't expect fast replies."

Ah. He was in hell. He had to watch and help you pack, pretend as if this didn't bother him so you wouldn't cancel for his sake, he even saw you off and kept his goodbye short; a simple kiss, hug and a promise for you to stay safe and call him if anything happens. He would have been proud of himself had he not known how lonely the house would be without you.

For the first three days, the phrase "its just under two weeks" became a mantra Satoru would mutter to himself— from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning feeling the empty space next to him, the phrase is echoed in his head. He made the mistake of preparing two cups of coffee in the beginning forgetting you were off with family, that simple mistake triggers a domino effect; it causes him to remember to contact you, he checks his phone and finds messages sent from you in the wrong order, courtesy of terrible service.

Leaving the house did nothing to alleviate the anxieties floating in his mind about you, whenever he passes by a cafe he has to purchase your favorite item off the menu, this time he had to stop himself and double back from the door remembering the meal would rot away in the fridge before your return. Spotting anything remotely related to your interests activates a knee-jerk reaction where he turns to gesture and mention it to you, looking for the spark that would light up your features in excitement— but alas, you were not here.

The days were longer, the nights were colder, Satoru's love blooms whenever he's near you, and yet now that he's alone, his heart is heavy; an overgrown garden.

The week was over. It was finally over, and yet the torture continued. You specifically told him you'd be gone for over a week— he once again repeats to himself "just under two weeks.." Satoru feels tired, and he doesn't know why. Through his meals and activities throughout the days, he would usually share them with you. He wonders if you felt the same exhaustion.

Just as his eyelids began to weigh down from the exhaustion, his phone released melodious chimes. Satoru grunted in annoyance and sat up in the cold bed, tempted to crush the phone in his hand— was he not even allowed to dream of you?

'LOML💘 Calling...'

His heart soared to his throat, everything he wanted to say to you, threatening to spill out before he even tapped the green button. He hurriedly answered and brought the phone up to his ear.

"Hello? Satoru?"

"... Baby? Can you hear me?" He immediately wanted to make sure of the call's quality. He won't be swindled by fate.

"Oh, thank god- I've been trying to get a hold of you all week! How are you? Is everything okay? I'm so sorry I couldn't contact you." He could hear chatter in the back. "I'm with my cousin. We drove out to this convenience store, and the service is pretty good!— I mean, yeah, it's a little far, but..." You took a breath, speaking too quickly for your lungs to handle."I'm so happy I get to hear your voice, Satoru..!"

everything he wanted to say, you were saying it for him, Satoru knows he's clingy but when you return his clingliness it makes him believe that he was made for you— that he was truly loved by you.

Suddenly, the stress he felt from worrying about you, the overbearing silence of loneliness, your affections pouring to him through the phone, all of these factors shattered him; a sob choked him.

".. yeah - me too..!" Satoru hiccuped as he tried to wipe away forming tears. He can't be upset now. He has to be tough for you.

You didn't miss the sniffle that followed, setting your soda down in the cup holder of the car. You sat up briefly. "Honey? What's wrong?" Your cousin silently signalled they'll return into the store, not wanting to overhear a lover's quarrel. "Did something happen?"

Satoru shook his head, forgetting you couldn't see him. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. "No - no, I'm fine.. I'm just really happy to hear from you."

Silence filled the call, a moment ago he was preparing himself to yell at you, cry to you, beg you to come home— now he didn't know what to do with himself as he had everything he wanted listening to him on the other end.

"... Hon? I'm really sorry." He hated how you knew just what to say when he began to crack. "I love you, I promise I'll be home soon, okay?"

You love him. You love him. He felt guily; he finally had a chance to speak with you, and he cried and made you feel like the bad guy, made you apologize for wanting to spend quality time with family, does he even deserve you at this point?

"... okay." Is all he can muster, Satoru always sounds so full of life— but now he just sounds defeated, as if faced with a foe that he couldn't damage or evade whatsoever. It broke your heart.

Satoru traced shapes into the covers that he practically kicked off him when he saw your nickname flash on his phone screen, he began. "Baby?"

"Hm? Yeah?"

".. when you get home, I'm gonna be more selfish with you." His tone was serious. He couldn't help but smile when he heard you laugh. "You're already selfish with me!"

"Hey, I've been very emotionally vulnerable recently, okay?" Satoru felt like the usual dynamic of your conversations is slowly seeping back. It felt right, like finding something he thought he misplaced.

"I'm not complaining, hon. I actually love it." He heard you shuffle a bit. "I think you deserve to be a little selfish. You've been so good for me lately, haven't you?"

Of course, he should've expected this from you; you're his smart girl. Of course you would notice how strained he seemed before you went on your trip.

"I thought I hid it pretty well.."

"Satoru."

".. what?" He grew wary of your unimpressed tone. He didn't slip up, did he?

"You were listening to Mitski all week." Ah, your shared music subscription gave him away.

"She perfectly puts my emotions into words, okay? So sue me!"

"I know, hon! But you were listening to First Love / Late Spring. What was I supposed to think?"

The conversation continues, from Lyricism to current routines to favourite cafe desserts. For the first time in a week, Satoru felt safe and comfortable enough to sleep.

Your conversation lulled him to a sleepy state, he could hear you shuffle and move about, he could hear the car start, your family commenting on your dynamic with him, even if the sound was minimised as the phone speaker was only moderately audible, as long as he could hear your voice then he was happy.

"So, either Wednesday or Tuesday..?" Satoru asked groggily after you explained your situation.

"Yeah - I'm hoping Tuesday, but we don't know yet, I'll drive back to the convenience store and tell you once I know." It sounded like a joke, but he knows you would do it.

"Baby- no, I can wait, I swear—"

"Can you, though?" He could hear the smile in your voice, Satoru let out a breathless laugh.

"... nah, I don't think I can."

[punkshort]

What would a pregnancy scare look like between ikwya Joel and Reader? What do you think Joel’s reaction would be? Love your work ❤️‍🔥

Hi! I'm sorry I know you sent this in a month ago. I have a stockpile of asks/requests that I've been working through and I wanted to give this one some thought because I think both their reactions would be different pre and post accident.

I Know Who You Are Masterlist

Pre-accident Joel would absolutely panic. I think he would immediately think of Sarah and how he failed her, then Ellie and how he almost failed her, and he would get too in his head about failing a third child. He would probably say something he would end up regretting in the heat of the moment and I think pre-accident reader would give it right back to him. She wouldn't stand for his shit, she would call him out and remind him it takes two to tango and it wasn't something she expected, either, but there's no point in being an asshole about it because what's done is done.

They would probably get into a fight about it and Joel would grab the bottle of whiskey and take a shot. Then, without really thinking, while Joel was rambling on and on about how dangerous it is to have a baby, reader would reach for the bottle and Joel would slap her hand away, asking her 'Are you fuckin' crazy? You might be pregnant!' And reader, feeling embarrassed that she almost made a mistake, would yell back, 'It's your fault! You got me all worked up, I can't think straight! What do you even care, anyway?' And Joel would throw the bottle back into the cupboard and shout, ''Course I care! Kid'll already be stubborn as shit with her mama's smart mouth, we don't need to be addin' to it!'

Then reader's eyes will soften a bit when she says, 'You think it's a girl?' And Joel, still working through all his anger and adrenaline, will flare his nostrils and slam his fist on the counter and say, ''Course it'll be a girl! Look 'round. I'm surrounded by girls who talk back to me and drive me fuckin' crazy all damn day. Why would this be any different?' Reader would step a little closer and wrap her arms around his midsection, resting her chin on his chest while she bats her eyes up at him and says, 'Maybe it'll be a boy.' And Joel's resolve would begin to crack. The corner of his mouth would twitch and his hands would slowly find their place on reader's hips as he thought about the idea of having a little boy. All his anxiety and anger would melt away when he asks, 'Think we can name him after my Pops?'

-

Now post-accident Joel and reader are different.

They've been through hell and back. Joel thought he would lose the love of his life. After everything they went through, I think both of them have a new lease on life. Initially, Joel would be shocked, then scared, then happy. It would be a rollercoaster of emotions. Reader would be terrified, telling him she has no idea what she's going to do, she doesn't know anything about babies, she's not going to be a good mom and she would begin to cry. Joel would chuckle softly and pull her close, then murmur in her hair she was wrong, that she would make a wonderful mom and she wouldn't go through it alone. He would tell her all the reasons why she would be a good mom: how patient and strong she is, how smart and headstrong she is, and how he hopes if she is pregnant, that it would be a little girl so it would be a mini version of reader.

They would spend the rest of the night thinking about it and wondering what life would be like. Joel would be in the middle of dinner, quietly eating, and suddenly suggest that he could make a crib from the birch tree in the backyard. They would go to bed and each of them would be reading and reader would break the silence and mention Maria and Tommy probably have stuff they don't need anymore and they could use. The next morning, reader would wake up with Joel's face nuzzled against the side of her neck with his big hand splayed wide over her belly.

And if it was just a scare, the idea would be planted in both their heads and after a few months, maybe they would be walking home together from the Tipsy Bison, hand in hand, content and happy until reader suddenly asks, 'Do you want to try for a baby?' And Joel, without missing a beat, would say, 'Absolutely,' and practically drag her down the street towards home so they could start that night.

[rivangel]

PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot. 

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology. 

 I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life. 

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time. 

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others. 

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son. 

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness. 

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’. 

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely. 

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later. 

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early. 

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity 

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground. 

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples. 

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish. 

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own. 

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless. 

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.) 

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment. 

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman. 

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside). 

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is. 

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments—such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least. 

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry. 

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”. 

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability. 

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life. 

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS

[thinkingboute]

would you? | harry styles x model!oc

summary: The show goes off without a hitch, but Lina's interaction with Harry before clouds her mind. At the after party, she takes one for the team when Gigi tries to get in with other One Direction member, Zayn Malik. Ironic meetings lead to a first date. Part 3 of the Masks series.

part 1 here! part 2 here!

warnings: mentions of drugs, disordered eating, vomit, anxiety, alcohol, allusions to sex

a/n: This one was so much fun to write! The parts are getting longer from here.I hope you like it!

word count: about 2.4k

Holy shit these were some high heels. 

Lina danced in place, shaking the nerves that wracked her body as she prepared to walk the stage. Sweat accumulated beneath the bra and underwear---if you could even call them that. Gilded Angels was the theme this year and, goddamn, did Lina feel absolutely gilded. 

The set she wore was less fabric and more faux metal. It appeared that gold had been molded to cup her breasts, pushing them up beyond what she ever thought possible. Her wings were white, like Biblical angel wings, with gold dusted tips. Gold heels wove their way up her calves like Greek sandals. She felt holy. And really fucking hot---in both ways. 

Taylor Hill, who was opening the show, shimmied behind the curtains, lost in the heavy fabric. It was clearly go time, which usually spurred Lina to focus and quit her nervous movement. Today, she couldn’t calm herself down. Pictures of that messy haired Brit flooded her mind. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t at least a little excited to walk past him in this outfit. 

You look good. 

That’s what he said to her just an hour ago. Her head was covered in curlers, robe disheveled, eyes closed. She was giddy at the thought of him seeing her all done up. I look better than good now.

Lina squealed as two strong hands shook her shoulders from behind. “Let’s fucking go, Li!” Gigi shrieked, smacking a kiss to her cheek. The girls laughed, jumping up and down. Gigi had a way of making everything seem like just a game.

“Don’t fuck up my hair, Gi,” Lina said, giggling. Gigi’s hands spun Lina to face her. 

Ignoring her comment, Gigi grabbed her face. “I don’t walk until Taylor’s on stage,” she said, clearly excited to walk while her friend performed. Lina had become quite used to being surrounded by stars, but she was a little too excited at the thought of talking to Taylor Swift. She and Gigi had become close since the Oscars earlier that year, and Lina was hoping that would give her and in.

“I walk in…” Lina searched the room for a clock. “Four minutes.”

“I saw you talking to Harry Styles earlier,” Gigi whispered, wiggling her brows. “You seemed to be laughinggg and smilinggg and…” she lowered her voice even more, “flirtinggg…”

“Ugh, leave me alone,” Lina rolled her eyes. “We met at that masquerade thing in October.” Gigi covered her mouth with a hand.

“Why didn’t you te---”

“Because there’s nothing to tell.” Gigi started again but Lina put a hand up. “Really, it wasn’t my best moment. He was just teasing me about it earlier.” Gigi wiggled her brows again. “I was puking in the men’s bathroom, Gi. If there was ever a chance in hell he would be into me, it’s long gone.”

“I’m going to pretend that’s not the strangest thing I’ve heard today,” Gigi said, a crease appearing between her brows. “Anyway, if he really thought you were that weird, he probably would’ve stayed far away from you today. But he didn’t.” Her laugh was more of a hehe.

“I can barely look him in the eye. God, that was terrible, I---” Lina was interrupted by her name being called by the show’s producers. “Time to go. I talk to you later, baby.”

Lina’s hand was pulled towards the curtains. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to center herself as hand flew all around her, adjusting her wings, tousling her hair, and freshening her gloss. 

Lina recognized the song she was set to walk out to. Rock Me. She didn’t think One Direction would have songs that would fit a VS show. They were so…teenage girl. But this song was a bit dirtier, and it had a nice beat. She put on her super sexy and poised model mask and stepped out from behind the curtain. 

The band members were scattered about the runway. Her eyes found Harry at the end immediately. Her shoulders thrown back, she began her walk, smiling and winking at the boys she passed by. She thought one of her wings may have wacked Niall in the face, but she tried not to think much about it. 

She reached Harry after what seemed like a decade of walking. She was too nervous to look him in the eye. She wondered if, when he looked at her now, he still saw the puking corpse he saw a few months ago. 

Harry was certainly not hurting for confidence. He grabbed her hand and spun her around, leading her to walk back down the runway. Lina, as hard as it was, kept up her flirty persona, looking back over her shoulder to wink at him before slowly letting go of his hand. The walk back felt a bit like flying. 

The rest of the show went by in a blur. It was Gigi’s first time walking the show, but no one would’ve been able to tell. Her confidence oozed through every pore of her perfect face. When she got off the stage, she was bouncing off the walls, ready to find some sort of shit food to consume ASAP.

But there was an after party to attend. Lina peeled herself out of her outfit, carefully handing it to the women who surrounded her, ready to rip it from her hands. It wasn’t strange to be naked in front of so many people anymore. She’d been doing it since she was 16. She tried not to think about that part too much. 

Her new outfit consisted of a vintage VS slip, of course, with some artfully ripped tights, and heeled boots that cut off just below the knee. With her hair thrown back loosely into a pony, she felt sufficiently prepared to face her first celebrity party since the ball. 

Darren congratulated her on (his words) another fantastic show. She smiled, mind elsewhere, and got into the car, whose door he held open. 

The ride to the venue was not more than 15 minutes, but for all Lina knew, it could’ve been hours. Her mind was set on exactly what she would say to Harry when she saw him, because she knew she’d see him. His band was full of a bunch of 20 something boys. They would not pass up the opportunity to go to a party full of drinks and models. 

Darren noticed her not-quite-on-Earth-ness and waved a hand in front of her face. She swatted at it, rolling her eyes.

“Thinking about that One Way kid?” he asked.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Darren?” Lina snorted. 

“Whatever, the British kid with the hair. I don’t care to know more about him that I have to.”

“You don’t have to know anything.”

“When he comes to your room tonight, or you go to his, it will be my job to know about him.”

Lina blushed and buried her face in her hands. “Darren, you perv!”

“Trust me, I wish I didn’t have to think about these things. But I saw him leaning on that table earlier, like he’s some sort of Elvis. It was embarrassing how hard he was trying, honestly.”

“I told you about our…run in in October, right? He was just making fun of me,” She said still not looking at him. “And, not that it’s any of your business, but I don’t make it a habit of going to any guys room before I’ve been taken on a proper date.”

It was Darren’s turn to cover his face. “I’m glad.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can we please stop talking about this? It feels like discussing my sex life with my father.”

Darren winced. “I’d love nothing more.”

The car pulled up to the hotel the party was taking place in. Although it was dark, it was hard not to spot it. A massive crowd of paparazzi was piled on the steps to the entrance. 

“Fucking perfect.”

Darren slid out of the car, opening the door for Lina. She stepped out, careful not to let any of them snap a picture underneath her dress. She smiled and waved, but didn’t stop for pictures. Darren cut through the crowd, leading her to the door. 

The bar and room surrounding it was strangely reminiscent of the hall that held the masquerade ball. This time, thankfully, Lina was sure she was not going to puke on anyone. She was sure to stop Darren from grabbing her bag before she stepped closer to the bar. She wanted a Cosmo. 

“Liiiiinaaaaaa,” a singsong voice called from behind her. Gigi appeared at her side, face flushed. She seemed to be a few drinks in already. Lina was excited to catch up. “We’re gonna be sisters-in-law!”

Lina’s eyes widened at that. “My brother is 14, Gi. That’s a little gross.”

Gigi snorted, limply swatting at her shoulder. “I didn’t even know you had a brother, idiot. I mean that I have my eye,” she used two fingers to gesture at her eyes, “on tall, dark, and handsome.” She pointed at Zayn Malik, who chatted with a couple guys across the room. 

Lina laughed, “Oh, do you?” 

“Yes, I do. And you’re gonna get with the other one, right? Then, we’ll be sisters! Metaphorically, anyway.” Lina didn’t bother dismissing Gigi’s suggestion; she just laughed. “C’mon, c’mon!” 

“My drink---” Gigi pulled Lina across the room before she could finish her protest, not too close to Zayn, but near enough that they could see him. They leaned against the corner of a wall, observing. “Do you plan to summon him with your mind?”

“No, no, I’m just waiting for my moment,” Gigi whispered. Lina laughed, glancing around the other corner of the wall. There were a few doors lining the walls, but it was otherwise pretty empty. A gasp had her turning her head back to her friend. “He’s walking this way! Go, go, go!” Gigi pushed Lina around the other side of the wall and followed her. “Wait, wait, you can’t be here! Get in there, just for a minute before I get him to come with me somewhere else.” Lina didn’t have a second to say anything before she was shoved into one of the rooms. 

“We have to stop meeting like this.”

Lina turned around, taking in the room around her, her eyes catching on the pearly urinals. 

Harry was looking at her, paper towel clasped in his hands as he dried them. He laughed at Lina’s widened eyes. 

“Are you planning to keep your head out of the toilet,” he asked, tossing the paper towel into the bin. “The sink too, I supposed.”

Lina groaned turning to brace herself on the cool, wooden door. “I swear, this was not my idea.”

Harry laughed from behind her. “I should hope not.” He made to move towards the door to leave, but Lina whipped around, placing a hand on his chest.

“We can’t leave,” she whispered. 

Harry cocked an eyebrow. “I mean, this isn’t the most sanitary place, and I don’t have a condom but---”

Lina made an ‘ack’ sound before lightly pushing him away from her. “Don’t be weird.” Harry put his hands up in defense. “My friend is out there…with your friend.”

“I’m sure we can come up with a reason other than sex to explain us leaving the bathroom together.”

“Harry, I’m being serious!” Lina said, exasperated. “She pushed me in here because she wants to…talk to your friend.”

“Which friend?”

“Zayn.”

“He doesn’t say much, so that conversation should be over now.” He moved towards the door once again, but Lina grabbed his wrist this time. “She’s pretty drunk, and she’d be pretty pissed if I interrupted her shot. She said she’ll try to get him to go somewhere else as soon as she can.” Harry stifled a laugh. “We can leave soon. Just, I don’t know, be quiet and don’t, like, do anything weird.”

“Me? Do something weird?” he exclaimed, faux defensiveness causing Lina to roll her eyes. “I’m not sure I’m the one to worry about here, woman in the men’s bathroom.”

Lina closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Not on purpose.”

“Last time, sure it wasn’t,” Harry said lowly. Lina was keenly aware of her grip that remained on Harry’s wrist. “This time…I think you just wanted to get me alone.” He was closer now, breath fanning her face, alcohol and mint filling her nose. 

“I could get you alone in a less…strange way if I wanted to.” Lina couldn’t look at him, so she examined the holes in her tights. 

“Would you, though?” His voice lowered even more. She wasn’t sure how much lower it could get before it was more of a growl. 

Wow, these tights really were artfully ripped. The perfect place for a tear really is just above the knee. She liked her knees, she supposed, but knees were a little weird overall---

“Carolina.”

“Lina.”

“What?”

“I prefer Lina.”

“Alright, Lina. Wanna answer my question?”

Lina’s breath hitched in her throat. She didn’t know what to say. She would not sleep with him tonight, especially not in this bathroom. But that didn’t stop her from thinking about it. She was starting to feel a little warm. 

Harry made to ask her again, but the door banged open, causing the both of them to stumble back and away from one another. Gigi’s eyes widened before she smiled mischievously.

“I am leeeaving, LiLi!”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Gi.” She was maybe a little too drunk to go anywhere with any man. 

“No, no, I don’t mean like that,” she giggled. “Zayn said that if I got some rest tonight, he would see me tomorrow.” Lina was a bit surprised at that. “So! I’m leaving!” 

“Why don’t I go with you? Just to be sure you’re alright,” Lina asked, hopeful it would get her  out of answering anymore questions tonight. 

She felt Harry’s eyes on her as Gigi replied, “Oh, sure. Only…” her eyes flitted between the two of them, “If you want to.”

“It’s no problem, really, honey.” Lina felt a little guilty for leaving like this, but really, she was nervous. She’d had a few flings here and there after her rise to fame, but she never had the time to pursue them further. She was a bit rusty, now.

“Alright!” Gigi turned to leave the bathroom as Lina looked in the opposite direction, towards the man behind her.

“I’ll answer your question after dinner, Styles.”

He smiled a small, amused smile. “It’s a date.” 

[tiny-pun]

On writing pain

Okay so for once this isn’t an actual prompt but more so a tip:

If your character is supposedly in pain that lasts more than a couple of days or even weeks and months, eg. Because of a bigger wound or of a (new) disability… you most likely should show this in more ways than just the occasional “gasp and clutching the wound”!

Having such constant pain will have at least some kind of emotional impact: the stress of constantly being in pain, the constant push and pull between just succumbing to the pain and laying down until it goes away or just ignoring it and powering through. The balancing act of not overdoing it and being hypervigilant to the point you just hunch down to avoid worsening it.

Additionally you have to think about how to treat all of the different pains. How connected are they really? How much sense does it actually make to take pain meds ? Are there enough? Do I trust my doctor/s, to actually listen to me and take my pain seriously? Am I over exaggerating my pain? Am I underselling it? Am I annoying my doctor? Should I just wait and hope it goes away? It’s probably nothing anyway. But what if it’s so much worse ? What if this pain is just covering up something truly awful? But what if I’m making such a fuss now and tomorrow I can jump around like always? How unnecessary it would be to get so many people involved. Right ? This is especially hindered by poor use of words aka incapability to communicate. ( My head is just … kinda fuzzy?/Everything hurts?)

Another factor is how much they want to openly tell others about it. And whom they could possibly even tell and all the whys and hows surrounding it. And how hard it would be aka how long they’ve know each other and how much time they spent together. The hiding and lying adds more emotional stress and also possibly leads to neglect of any medical help. The “overt” complaining about the pain/situation can be exhausting and thus a different kind of stress. Especially if they’re feeling childish/unheard or otherwise ashamed about voicing anything but positive emotions but the pain is just too much and too consistent.

This can also lead to a constant comparison of how far into their recovery they “statistically already should be” or just the plain old “I could do xyz SO EASILY before”. Or worse: they’re comparing themselves to another (equally) wounded/disabled character. Wether it’s an internal belief or externally expected: if the character believes, that their wound/pain is comparably minor or should be easily overcome by themselves; and especially if they have a certain goal in mind, by which they should be back to their regular power and it’s not look in good … well then you certainly have a nice cocktail of stress and anxiety.

And if during the time of their supposed recovery, they end up getting some minor but more common sickness, eg. A cold or a stomach bug, it might not be their first thought. In fact they might do any and every test possible BUT think of the common cold. Not bc they’re necessarily stupid but bc of the fear, things might go to hell after all. Especially if the symptoms of both illnesses are similar enough. Anything else will just not be in their radar.

Also how would they like to be taken care of ? How much of that is a facade to please others ? Do they actually want to be hugged right now or are they just trying to please someone yet feeling suffocated? Do they just want their dead siblings soup and is a companionable silence enough to know they’re gonna be fine? How honest are they towards not only themselves but to others? And how much can the people and the situation itself even give that to them right now? (Do they need silence but they’re currently lying low in the city’s biggest hotel next to the market place?)

For all of this it doesn’t matter how big or small the pain actually is. What matters is that it is seemingly constant and only very slowly going away. The combination of constant physical pain with so much emotional turmoil and back and forth between opposing ideals aka stress can translate to even more physical pain aka psychosomatic pain. Headaches, breathlessness and even bigger issues such as literal heartaches can be the result.

This all can lead to spiralling and in the worst case a (temporary) depression. I dont think I have to explain how that could look like.

And one last thing: If the character is used to being in life or death situations, no matter if it’s due to multiple fights or an already existing disability: the common cold might be worse to deal with. They could be so used to dealing with the possibility of death that anything less than that is ironically unbearable. During a basically fatal stabbing they might just say a cheeky joke but freak out during the common cold.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. If you have the same pain for more than 6 week pls get it checked out if you can! And get well soon. These are just possible ways to write, what kind of thoughts and issues any type of constant pain (fatal or not) could cause.

[alilarew23]

the first manifestation is [in] the body

i want you to genuinely ask yourself if the reason you’re struggling to shift states is really due to a lack of faith/belief in your power as god of your reality or if it’s because you’re biologically addicted to the stress hormones associated with “trying” to manifest your desires.

i think most people, like myself, discover the law of assumption at a time when their inner/outer worlds have crumbled.

they’ve lost something or someone dear to their hearts. they’ve been fired. the business deal they thought for sure they had in the bag fell through.

but here, someone on tiktok says, i have a solution. decide what you want. affirm and persist until it shows up.

now, to be clear, i am by no means against affirmations if they work for you, if you’re truly repeating phrases as a means of reminding yourself you already have/are that which you desire to be, or if said repetition helps you shift states.

if something works for you, great.

keep repeating.

but i think there’s a general misunderstanding surrounding the term “persist” that can (and often does) have seriously detrimental implications for people first learning about/applying the law, especially those who haven’t read or listened to material from neville or edward art (yes, there are other wonderful teachers, but for me, the neville-edward duo is where to start).

persist, put simply, means to know, to continually accept your assumption as true despite lack of immediate evidence in your physical world.

acceptance does not imply—and does not demand—any work on the part of the assumer.

acceptance is by nature gentle.

it is a pleasant, “yes, i already am. yes, everything already is. yes, my prayer has been answered. thank you.”

but there’s this energy a lot of supposed-teachers have attached to the term that makes those applying the law think they need to work.

PERSIST PERSIST PERSIST UNTIL IT SHOWS UP.

meaning, if you are not working, if you are not affirming and visualizing and scripting and SATS-ing every second until who knows the exact moment your desire materializes, it will not materialize.

which then gets people in the state of working, of trying, which by nature has force/anxiety attached to it.

which implies not being/having.

how can you work to get something you already have?

how can you try to become something you already are?

when people start to realize this, usually because they either get exhausted and depressed from all work and no results, or they manifest their first neville book that begins re-orient their relationship to the law, they might have the realization that, oh! this can be…mind-bogglingly easy.

like, i legit just decide i have/am something and go about my life and it appears in my physical world?

what a relief!

but then…immediate anxiety sets in.

NOT, at least i don’t think—and of course this isn’t always the case, there are exceptions—because they don’t believe in the law or intuitively know/feel their power to select and step into the reality of their dreams, the one inherently granted to them by their god-selves, but instead because they have trained their bodies to not trust—to not feel safe within—their power.

to not allow for the naturalness of having/being what they desire to effortlessly take over.

which is the key to successful manifestation.

it’s like, oh, ok, it’s done!

but five minutes later, the body says, where is all that anxious energy i’ve been hit with non-stop for the past seven months?

now, if they could sit with this discomfort, they might realize that, actually, that *lack* of anxious energy is a signal to the inner man/subconscious mind/whatever you want to call it that—hell yeah! we have this thing now!—hence the immediate build-traverse of the bridge of events, and a rapid materialization of said desire in the physical world because they are living in the end (present, not desiring)—and that realization might make it easier to stay in the being/having state.

but instead, there’s the bodily pull-back to the trying state.

which leads only to more exhaustion and frustration and depression and the cycle begins itself again.

but there’s such an easy fix.

i did it.

you can do it, too.

here it is.

STAY.

in that feeling of relief. of ease. of almost-disbelief.

at all costs.

it sounds so silly to say your life depends on you sitting in this sort of discomfort, because—what?

how could simply being/knowing/gently accepting be this uncomfortable?

it shouldn’t be, and i’m genuinely sorry for all of us who have had to do the work of un-learning the persist-work stuff, but also, maybe it isn’t work.

maybe this, too, can be easy.

gentle acceptance.

we already are. everything already is.

it is a blessing to exist in and accept this naturalness.

[everythingwrongwithizumi]

would you write angst for twd negan? reader getting injured ?

To Be Loved

pairing: Negan Smith x fem!reader

warning: MNDI, 18+, slight smut, cussing, sexual harassment, graphic depictions of sexual assault, depression, anxiety, suicide, death, self harm, angst, angst with happy ending?, reader is described to have certain physical attributes, mentions of sexual assault, mention of battered wife syndrome, let me know if you see anymore

w/c: 8k (Zoo Wee Mama)

a/n: Jeez, yea this was a lot. I’m gonna make a separate post about it but if you need someone to talk to or you know someone that has been or you have been sexually assaulted please don’t hesitate to reach out for help or to talk about it. Men and women and Non binary’s you guys are strong keep your head up!!

National Sexual Assault Line

800-656-HOPE (4673)

I had to do it. I had to give up my mind, body, and soul to save my older brother. I owed him everything, he was the reason I was still alive after all this time. We would spend our days scavenging for food and sometimes we’d forget to even look for food.

We only cared for each other and we would never go anywhere without each other. So when he got sick I didn’t know what to do. I would sit there and watch as he had his eight coughing fit that day sometimes blood came out.

He would give me this look, a look that said *Just leave me here to die and fight to survive.* I couldn’t. And I wouldn’t, “You need to drink this man.” He would just look at me with that look before taking a sip.

“I’m gonna go and see if I can find some more water. This shitty town has to have some bottles floating around,” as soon as I got up from my crouching position I felt his hand grip my ankle. “The only thing floating around is your brain. Use it and get the hell outta here,” I stood in shock at his words.

Sure, he’s one sarcastic son of a bitch, but we always did things together and he never gave up, even when the whole world was against him or in this case trying to kill him he never gave up. “Shut up,” was all I said as I released myself from his grasp and exited the department store we(I) cleared.

I looked around and heard an engine nearby. It sounded like a car so I quickly took my knife out and begun sneaking around some buildings to get to the convenient store. Once I made it to the entrance and began to open the door bullets came flying from behind me.

I quickly ran inside to take cover. The loud noises surely drew those dead freaks out. Not wanting to waste anymore time I sprinted to the back where the fridges were. As I began to look for water I heard the crunching of shattered glass being stepped on.

“Which way do you think she went,” one of them asked, his voice was heavy and sounded mean. “Can’t we just kill her and go one with our day,” the other man sighed and it sounded like he kicked something out of the way because soon a thud followed.

“You know what Negan said about the girls, besides he saw her himself sitting in his damn ass in that car,” hearing that told me everything I needed to know. Just like my brother said, men nowadays don’t want to kill women, they want to take them and do things to them.

Shivering at the thought I carefully snuck around some aisles before approaching one of the men who had picked up a stuffed animal near the front. Taking a quick glance at my surroundings I snuck up to the man and shoved my knife in his throat, not allowing him to make any noises other than soft gurgling and throwing his arms around.

I placed him on the floor softly to not attract noise, “Oh shit!” I heard gun fire in the store and I looked around me. There were those dead things coming after the other guy. Taking my chance I ran to pick up the last three water bottles in the fridges before bolting out the back.

Hearing some more gunfire I quickly made my way back to where my brother was. I nearly dropped the water bottles soon seeing four men guarding the entrance. I grumbled to myself and decided to take a different route to get inside.

Once I entered through the back which stupidly enough was not guarded I took down two more of the men in the department store where my brother is. I attempted to make my way into the room he was in before big arms wrapped around me.

I wasn’t a small tiny person but I wasn’t big either. My family had a history of tall kids so I took advantage and threw my head back making contact with his nose. I wanted to rub the part his nose made contact with but I had no time as another pair of arms wrapped around my neck pulling me back and before I knew it, my feet were off the ground.

I was being carried from my arms and my feet. No matter how much I kept moving their arms were not budging. “Well, well, well, what do we have here,” A voice boomed from in front of me as I was thrown into the floor.

A grunt left my lips, “What the hell? Is that anyway to treat a lady?” The man faked sincerity, throwing a hand to his chest. The two men mumbled an apology to him and he simply shook his head before looking down at me, “My names Negan, what’s yours?” Pushing myself up to look at him I nearly fell back at how close he was to me.

He was crouching in front of me with a grin on his face. He was handsome, I’ll give him that, but nothing disgusts me more than evil men. “Y/N,” I quickly spit out causing him to nod before looking behind him.

“Was that your brother,” my eyes shot up at his choice of wording. Fearing the worst I shot up to check to see if he was dead before I was held down by Negan. “Woah! Calm down pretty lady, he’s alive, buuut he’s not doing so good.”

I sniffed and attempted to back up before I felt something poke the back of my head. I turned to see two guns pointed at my head, no doubt on orders by whoever the hell this guy was.

I looked back at him as he looked deep in thought before feeling his eyes wonder on my body. I suddenly felt naked even though I had more than enough clothes on. I wanted to shield myself and hide away with my brother.

“I have an idea,” Negan grinned from ear to ear. My eyebrow raised as I watched him stand up and pick his bat up. Shit. That thing had barbed wire around it. My eyes widened in shock as I was sure he was going to kill me.

Instead he crouched down in front of me again this time his bat was resting on his shoulder, “How about I put your boyfriend out of his misery and take you with me so you can serve under me OR,” he exaggerated the or.

“He comes with us and we treat him under the condition you marry me.”

I chose the latter in hopes to see my brother at his best again. I couldn’t live in a world without him, I just couldn’t. So reluctantly I sat next to Negan as we made our way back to where he called “The Sanctuary “

“So, how long have you and your boyfriend been a thing,” Negan nudged my shoulder lightly to get a response out of me. God I hated the way he looked. He looked so happy and carefree, like nothing in the world was wrong, like everything was just perfect the way it was.

Side eyeing him I responded with disgust, “That’s my brother dip shit.” This only caused him to laugh and the driver next to me to give a chuckle. “You got some spunk to you, I like it,” was the last thing he said before we arrived.

I was met with a woman in a nice black dress. She looked beautiful… Negan introduced me to her and everyone else who was kneeling before him as his new wife. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my sickly brothers eyes widen as he was taken inside by a man in a white coat.

Once I was inside I was escorted by Negan himself into a room with sofas and other luxury furniture. “Hi, I’m Sherry I’m sorta new. Frankie and Tanya have been here for a minute but don’t worry, you’ll be taken care of and treated like a queen, hopefully,” she didn’t think I heard it as her back was now turned to me but I did. I heard that last word.

She showed me to a room nearby and gave me a mini tour. The room was nice it had a full bed, a kitchenette, a loveseat, a table with two chairs, and a bathroom that had a big shower. I stared in awe and she just smiled sympathetically at me.

“You should clean up, I left you some clothes and shoes change into them and give me your clothes your wearing now when you’re done,” Sherry pointed towards the small dress and heels placed on the bed. I turned to her with a raised brow.

She just shook her head, “You have to wear it if you’re gonna be his wife,” my eyes widened in realization that those girls were also his wife. I wanted to just take my brother and run away from here, but this place was a luxury and I still needed to locate my brother.

Giving her a nod she smiled before leaving the room not bothering to lock it. I didn’t care though, a shower sounded like something I needed. I spotted razors and a variety of different soaps. I smiled at the sight and remembrance of when I would spend hours in the shower shaving every crevice of my body.

So I did just that and two hours later with a slight headache, wobbly legs, and tired arms I got dressed. The dress was a bit tight around my chest and waist but flowed a bit at the bottom. A silk A-Line dress with a slight corseted top. My boobs were a problem in itself, they were practically spilling out and anytime I tried to pull it up I felt the air on my ass. Sighing I went with having my chest out rather than my butt.

It didn’t help that the bra I was given wouldn’t fit with the dress and the underwear I was given was a thong that went right up my ass. The heels were strappy and relatively low, thankfully. I turned to open the door but it was opened for me instead.

I made eye contact with Sherry as she looked down at me and smiled, “If I didn’t have a boyfriend and a husband, I’d be all over you.” I blushed lightly at her comment and she took my hand. “Come on, the girls wanted to do your make up and hair, show you the ropes and rules.”

“I know how to wear makeup and do my hair,” I deadpanned as we approached the familiar room with the sofas. “Not the way Negan likes it, he’s pretty picky with this kinda stuff,” she explains and ai only nod in understanding not that she can see me as she’s pulling me into the room.

There was a mirror set up and a chair in it’s some hair tools and a makeup bag. Frankie pulled me to sit down and Sherry sat across from me on the counter holding the mirror. I looked up at her and we smiled at each other. Frankie and Tanya got to work on my hair. Now that my hair had somewhat dried they put stuff in it and blow dried it then they began to curl it.

After that they pinned my hair in place before moving onto makeup. I felt like a doll as the girls lightly touched my face applying the product. Giving one spray they stepped back as I looked in the mirror.

What the hell? I could barely recognize myself. I wanted to take the mirror and throw it out the window. “I hope you memorized everything we did because all this stuff is yours now. It’ll be delivered to your room in a bit but Negan wants a small ceremony to show you off,” Tanya spoke folding her arms over her chest.

It all made sense now and I could only nod. They began to clean themselves up and a man came in with some food on a platter, placed it on the coffee table, then he left. “Let’s dig in,” Frankie said and the girls all walked over to the platter.

I watched as they slowly picked apart the plate and left some to the side, no doubt for me. Sherry motioned for me to sit by her and I did. “How are you guys handling this so well,” I ask, my throat a little dry from not talking a lot. Tanya got up and went to the fridge and Frankie sighed.

“He gave you an ultimatum didn’t he? Look he isn’t a bad guy, he just does bad things,” I scoffed at her words. “It’s true. Believe it or not…he saved us. He gave us an out and if I have to kiss him or have sex with him every now and then I’ll do it because I know that I’m safe and so is my baby sister,” My eyes widen at her words.

Kiss? Sex? Saved?! It sounded like a bad case of battered wife syndrome. I sighed and shook my head, “I have to have sex with him,” I ask in disbelief. “Well no. I just do it because he’s hot and has a big dick, but he won’t force you to do anything. Kissing though, he doesn’t like to be embarrassed so even a peck on the lips will suffice,” Frankie explains and Tanya snorts as she comes back with a bottle of water for me.

It was cold… I stare at the bottle while Tanya teases Frankie about her relationship with Negan but I pay no mind. My brother… where is he… I need to see him… I can’t do this without him.

I was interrupted by my thoughts before the tears came by a man, “He’s ready for you, Y/N.” Sherry stands up and offers a hand. I take it and we follow the man through hallways before spitting Negan standing at the edge of a ledge, fencing stopping him from a long way down filled with people kneeling.

He turns to me and I watch as his eyes visibly widen and his mouth nearly hangs open. Sherry squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile. I give her the same back as she leaves me to join the other girls.

My attention is turned back to Negan when he clears his throat and offers his own hand. That’s when I spot it, there’s a box in his pocket. I sigh as I take his hand and we walk to the end of the ledge where Negan allows everyone to stop kneeling.

A man comes up from behind us and we’re soon facing each other. The man begins to speak words that were going through one ear and out of the other. That’s when I spot him. My eyes widen and I feel my hand twitch, my brother was staring at me with hard eyes, but he looked visibly better.

“I do.”

My attention is snatched back to Negan and the man, so this is what weddings are like? Negan grins at me as it was not my turn to say the words. “I do,” I speak softly “you may now kiss the bride,” the man states before backing up.

My eyes widen and Negan steps closer to me placing his hands on my waist, his next words shocking me and sending waves to my core, “Is this okay?”

I stutter out a yes and he pulls me close and gives me a firm kiss on my lips. My first one… I hear applause from all around us and I feel Negans lips turn into a smile against mine.

It had been about a week and adjusting to this life was…hard, but for my brother it had to be done. Speaking of, I was allowed to see him today. Nerves shook through my hands as this would be the first time I see him since that day he was nearly huffing out blood on me.

I cringe at the memory as I exit my room. The hallways was a little dingy but there was enough light to see who stood at the ends of the halls or who sweeps them. My thoughts were interrupted by a big burly man and two other guys a bit smaller than him. “Look who we have here, names Clyde,” I roll my eyes and cross my arms but then I see his eyes wander to my chest.

“She’s a sexy little thing isn’t she,” one of the guys behind Clyde speaks causing him to grin, “oh she’s not little in certain areas,” he bit his lip and walked close to me but I kept walking back. “You better not tell Negan, or I’ll have to make sure you never speak about anything to anyone ever again, got it sweet cheeks,” Clyde bit his lips and placed his hand under my chin.

The other guys behind him resorted in blatant insult, “I bet that sluts always on her knees for him. Dress like a whore, look like a wore, bet she fucks like one too,” I spit at Clyde causing his eyes to darken. “You shouldn’t have done that bitch—“

“Y/N!” My body was frozen in fear from the look he was giving me and I turn my head to see Sherry walking up to us. “Back off Clyde. Go shove your dick in a walker,” Sherry grabbed my arms and pulled me away. At first she seemed mad and angry, the grip on my arm hurt but then I looked closer at her body language.

The hand in my arm was shivering and the other hand was balled into a fist also shaking… she was scared of him too. I hear a scoff “That’s not true,” he sounded more like a child now. Sherry only rolled her eyes before dragging me to our room with the sofas.

In this lighting I could finally see the fear behind her, “That was Clyde, Andrew, and Nick… Stay away from them.” Before I could respond Frankie and Tanya greeted me. After the hugs I explained that I needed to go see my brother and excused myself.

“Be careful,” I heard from behind me, it was Sherry.

The way towards the medical wing was… interesting. I nearly got lost and had to ask a guy with a giant letter on his dirty sweatshirt. I forgot the letter and was pointed in the right direction. I wasn’t stupid I knew his eyes weren’t on the ground they were on me, more specifically my chest.

I shivered at the coldness as I entered the medical area. “You must be Y/N,” I heard a voice from beside me a turned to see a man in a white coat, he looked ginger. “What gave it away,” I asked softly causing him to smile, “I’m Doctor Carson. I’ve been taking care of your brother these past couple of weeks.”

“Has it been that long,” I accidentally speak out in front of him causing him the chuckle “I’m afraid so. He’s been waiting for you and don’t worry if he’s snappy. He just learned his sister is married,” he gave me a gentle smile. I nod and make my way to his room area.

“You look like shit,” I speak out to my brother who is currently looking out of a small window having to crane his neck to see. His head whips over to where I’m at and he scoffs “You look even worse.”

I smile softly and approach, my heels clicking on the floor. I sat on his bed and we sat in silence before I spoke up. “I had no choice… it was either he killed you or he treated you either way I’d still be here… I didn’t have a choice… I can’t live without you,” before I knew it there were small droplets placing themselves on the backs of my hands.

“I…. I know. And I understand, just—just…if he fucks with you he fucks with me okay,” I nod at his words and smirk before turning my head to finally face him. He looked so much better and his voice was now clear and not hoarse like it used to be.

“N-Not like that! Idiot,” He nearly shouts causing me to laugh. For the first time in a long time I laughed, and it was because of my brother. “I didn’t even say anything bozo,” he started laughing and then I laughed harder at his laugh.

We both sighed before I leaned forward to hug him, my arms wrapping around his waist, “I’m so glad you’re here. I’m gonna talk to Negan and tell him to move you next door to me,” I mumble loud enough for him to hear me. He chuckles and rubs my back, “If he listens to you.”

I look up at him and give him a weird look but he shakes his head as if to say it’s nothing, but I give him a look that tells him bitch tell me. He sighs and leans closer so I can only hear.

“They thought I was asleep and I over heard some guys were threatening to overthrown Negan. Negan heard and he was fuckin furious I mean he didn’t say it but the way his voice sounded gave me chills. Be careful okay,” I pulled away in disbelief and shock. I give him a nod before we were interrupted by Dr. Carson.

“Visiting time is up,” he gives us a smile and I return one as does my brother. “I’ll see you soon,” I tell him and he waves me off like he jokingly doesn’t believe me. I just didn’t think I’d see him the same day…

After hearing what my brother said about some guys trying to overthrow Negan I made my way to his bedroom. I wasn’t 100% sure he was there but one of the guys mopping told me he should be there, so I made my way to his door.

I knocked for about three times before twisting the nob. My ears filled with moans and screams of pleasure as the door opened wider. My hand left the nob and my eyes went to the sofas in the room where Frankie was on top of Negan with no clothes on.

She was bouncing up and down in him with her hands in her hair moaning rather loudly it’s a wonder I didn’t hear it from outside which probably meant the room was sound proof. I made eye contact with Negan and as soon as I did he shouted, “Oh fuck!”

Frankie turned to look where Negan was looking and gasped before getting off of him and slipping her dress back in then grabbing her heals and leaving the room. She placed one if her hands on my shoulder in a reassuring manner.

I couldn’t help but feel a little upset. Sure we may not be a real couple but I always believed in marrying out of love. And that’s what I did. I married Negan, not because I love him but because I love my brother and I would do anything for him.

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting and instead of looking down at Negans…well little Negan I turned to face his bed instead of straight ahead at him. He sighed and pulled his pants up, leaving his shirt off.

“I told you to wait a minute,” his voice was low and sounded slightly irritated. “I-I didn’t hear it,” I responded and heard him sigh. “Well what is it? You know you have to schedule meetings with me. I don’t like being interrupted and I certainly don’t like unplanned meetings,” okay now he really sounded irritated. He sat in the same position as before on the couch with his legs spread wide.

I clear my throat and shut the door and saw as his eyebrow raised and a smirk grew, “My girls ready isn’t she.” I nearly gagged as I stood before him. “I think I know who wants to take you down,” now hearing that made him sit up “how did you—“

Accidentally I interrupted him “Clyde, Andrew, and uhh what was his name oh yea Ni—“ Negan put his hand up as if to silence me. “Let me stop you right there sweetheart. First you ignore my words and break into my quarters anyway, then you interrupt my sex, then you keep interrupting me when I speak which I should let you know is punishable by death, and NOW your accusing some of MY closest men of treason. Tsk tsk I oughta hang you on the fence,” his voice was laced with venom as his words became harsher by the second.

I could feel the tears fill my eyes as he continued, “Maybe, since you wanna go around accusing people of such shit I should go and make an example out of your brother. Take out his eye? Make you cut off his arm?” My lip begins to quiver as he speaks and I shake my head “N-No please no—“

“Shut the fuck up! I’m tired of you whining when all I’ve done was help you. You should be paying me with your body for wasting so much shit in your brother. This was a mistake, I should’ve just killed you both when I had the chance,” Negan grumbled the last sentence before bringing his hand down his face.

“Leave, I don’t every wanna see or hear you walked into my room with or with out permission or else Lucille is gonna have a nice wet date with your brother,” as soon as he said brother a small sob escaped my lips as I sped walked out of his room.

I wasn’t looking up, I couldn’t. The tears were already coming out and if it wasn’t for all the things he told me the embarrassment from whispers in the halls caused my face to swell with heat.

I continued down the halls not picking my head up and soon the whispers were gone and I was met with the light hum of the dim lights. I sighed and accidentally let out another sob and I pressed my back to a wall and slid down placing my head in my knees.

“Well look at what we have here,” my body froze at the disgustingly familiar voice. I looked up to see Clyde with his buddies Andrew and that other guy. They stood on either side of me quite literally backing me into a corner.

I looked around for help before trying to make a break for the end of the hall but was stopped when a pear of big arms wrapped around my waist and pressed me against him. “Nah ah sweet cheeks, I told you what would happen if you told Negan. Well, hearing about what happened, he probably won’t miss you once we’re done with you,” his breath was hot in my back sending the terrifying kind of shivers down my body.

I tried to fight back I really did…. But there’s a moment when you fight for so long it doesn’t feel worth it anymore. I kicked and tried to scream for what felt like hours. My body squirmed but I was only met with harsh beatings to my body.

I tried to cry out but my mouth was filled with something else—something that made me want to dissolve into a liquid matter and evaporate into nothingness. I felt disgusting and putrid. My wrists felt like they were gonna break, my head was pounding so hard the world felt like it was shaking in a category 5 earthquake, my chest my body was being tossed and turned in ways it shouldn’t.

I could swear I heard a crack and all I could hear were the grunts and laughter filling my ears. The disgusting words thrown at me making me feel smaller than ever. I didn’t even notice they were done until again all I could hear was the familiar hum of the light above me. I felt the cold air on my body and turned to see my dress completely discarded and torn.

I heard my name being called before I blacked out and felt the wet sting of my tears fall from my eyes.

I heard it again, that familiar hum of the lights only now it was louder causing my upper body to shoot upwards. I looked around with wide eyes, it was significantly brighter the walls were stained but they were still somewhat white. I tried to hide myself and felt sheets on my lower half and looked down to see a gown… wait a minute… this is…

“You’re awake,” I hear a voice from my right softly call. I turned to see Sherry, she looked tired and like she had been crying. “The others don’t know. No one else knows… except for me and Dr. Carson. I forced him to uh do the kit while you were unconscious. I’m sorry I just didn’t want you to relive….that” it all came back to me as my lower lip quivered.

She carefully got up and wrapped me in a hug shushing me as I sobbed into her. She held me and I heard footsteps approaching and a door opening. “She’s awake?” It was Dr. Carson.

Sherry pulled away from me and went to sit back in the metal chair but I held her hand and looked at her and the a pleading look. She understood and took a seat at the end of my feet and rubbed them gently. The act intimate causing me to tear up.

“I know it’s scary. And I’m so terribly sorry for what happened. I usually used this room for surgeries but considering what happened I assumed you didn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of men groaning in pain,” He spoke softly as he sat in the metal chair by my bed.

“I… I would ask you who did this but from what Sherry tells me I’m sure I have an idea. I’ll let Negan kno—“

“No!” I shouted rather loudly and came off pretty snappy. Sherry even flinched while Dr. Carson only sighed, “This could happen again if he isn’t notified, c’mon Sherry you know this,” he was now pleading to the both of us. I looked at Sherry with wide eyes and she only shook her head.

“It wasn’t as bad as yours and it was a different person. He’s dead now,” she explained causing me to nod softly. “I-I can’t. I don’t want to talk to him or see him or even hear about him,” I spat out to no one in particular and Carson just nodded once again.

“I’m gonna need to keep you here over night and make sure nothing happens and that this was all superficial—of course it isn’t-mentally I mean, but uh I’m sorry this is my first time dealing with something this bad,” Dr. Carson stumbled over his words but I got the memo.

“Me too…”

Dr. Carson explained that the bruising in my legs, arms, torso, back, chest, bottom, and neck should go away in a couple of days and if anything gets worse then I should come back immediately. I turned him out after and Sherry listened to what I need to look out for and how to take care of myself.

I couldn’t take it anymore. Most days I spent in my room staring out the window. The bruises on my lower legs and neck had disappeared but the ones on my arms, chest, and back were still pretty prominent so I had to go bad to wearing that stupid black dress only this time Sherry picked out a different one. It covered more skin and my chest, it was also a bit longer than the last.

She told me she had burned the other one and that she covered for me to Negan and anyone who asked where I was. “I was in my period and there was too much blood and the cramps were awful,” I kept repeating this to myself just about every day.

I hadn’t seen or spoken to my brother and I know he saw me leave the medical area. I missed him but I couldn’t face him, I couldn’t face anyone, not even myself. I punched the mirror in a rage and sat on my bed as my hand bled.

Sherry came by that night. I think she’s like superwoman, she always came when I need her… usually. She helped clean my hand then we both cleaned my bathroom together.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of it but now because my dress had sleeves I felt like Ben more compelled as the blade glided through my arm. In that instance I felt my worries wash through me. The water from the shower definitely helped clean it.

When I got out I got some bandages from my first aid kit and wrapped them lightly so they wouldn’t cause a bulge in my dress. I made my way to our room and found it empty.

Nervously my eyes darted around the room and landed on the door more than a few times. Annoyed at my paranoia I got up to get something to eat from the fridge. The opening of the fridge was loud enough to cover the opening of the door to the room.

I found what made my belly grumble and I reached for the pickle jar. Pulling it out and sighing constantly I scream in shock at Negan by the fridge with his arms over his chest. He too jump in shock his eyes wide “Jesus Christ!”

I ended up dropping the jar by my feet, the juice splashed on my feet. I looked down at my feet and the now smashed jar of pickles not wanting to look at Negan. “I’m sorry,” I gave a bow and went to exit the room quickly until a hand wrapped around my arm, that arm….

I shouted in pain rather loudly causing him to let go of me in fear he held me too hard. It wasn’t until I saw him look at his hand that was slightly damp with blood, my blood. Damn… I should’ve put more bandages over it.

“What the hell,” his voice was now confused as he stared at the blood on his hand then looked at my arm. His eyes narrowed as he grabbed my wrist causing me to hiss in pain and carefully pealed back to soaked black fabric.

The first thing he saw was the soaked bandage then his eyes wandered to the bruise leaking out from the folded over sleeve. He took my other wrist gently and pulled me in the direction of his room.

Entering his room I was filled with a familiar feeling of dread and shame. His voice ringing in my ears from that day. I didn’t want to look up, I couldn’t, afraid he’d call me names and ridicule me further. He pulled me down to sit on the sofa in front of him.

I could feel his eyes scan over me, but it didn’t feel like it used to. Was it… pity? Disgust? Disappointment? Maybe even hatred?

“You did that,” he nodded towards my arms. I stared at the soft carpet beneath my feet, “Why?” His voice caught me off guard. He sounded sincere but I wasn’t a fool“It was my fault wasn’t it? You’re not happy.” I didn’t say anything and we sat there in silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were unhappy? You know you can come to me for anything,” His voice was soft but my head shot up as soon as the sentence left his mouth.

Rage. Anger. Guilt. Shame. I stood up and stared straight at him and I saw his face, it was firm but his eyes told me he was concerned and confused. I wanted to laugh at him, “You wanna know why I’m so goddamn unhappy?” I nearly shouted at him.

I leaned down to insta my shoes and reached for the hem of my dress pulling it over my body then my head. I threw the dress in the floor and watched as his eyes widened. I couldn’t help it, I was my fathers daughter and when looking in the face of confrontation I get enraged.

“This. This was you. All you! I tried—“ my voice caught in my throat as I tried not to choke up. “I tried to come for you to help and you DIDN’T CARE. Instead you ridicule me and embarrass me! Clyde. Andrew. And Nate,” I couldn’t help the chuckle that came out as I shook my head closing my eyes. “Some husband you are.”

After I said that he shot up out of his seat. I expect him to scream in my face but he only walked out the door, slamming it shut so hard the room shook. I flinched at the loud noise and vibrations before mentally gathering that he did in fact not care.

What was I thinking? I’m such a fucking idiot. After I got dressed I walked to the medical area. I needed to see my brother, I needed to cry to him. I needed… to feel like I mattered.

Once I entered the medical area I noticed Dr. Carson hunched over his desk. I slammed my hands on his desk causing him to shoot up. “Where is he,” I asked rather calmly in attempts to sound composed, though I felt the complete opposite.

I know my brother was discharged a day ago from here, but he needed check ups. Carson’s face contorted into one from confusion to despair. “Y/N… I th—I think you should sit down…” He stood up and pointed to the chair beside me. “Tell me where he is or I’ll burn this entire unit down,” I snapped at him.

I didn’t want to believe it. “He’s gone, Y/N,” my head snapped to the voice in the doorway. Negan. “Shut up! You have no right to be here!” I shouted at the man as I walked over to him practically shoving my finger in his face. “I own this place, Y/N… He was… murde—“

“I said shut the fuck up!” I shouted in Negans face. He only looked at me with sympathy and sincerity “Stop it! Stop that! Stop looking at me like that! It makes me sick,” I spat at him.

He only sigh and gave a nod to Carson who left the us alone in his office. “Looking at you like what,” Negan egged on curiosity getting the best of him. “Like you give a damn about me! You don’t care about me! You just want women to fuck! You are as heartless as a stupid fucking rock! You do things and say things but you don’t mean them,” I shouted at him my chest rising and falling from anger.

“I love you,” he spoke softly looking at me with an unfamiliar look. That pissed me off. “No you don’t! Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!” I began hitting his chest and he stood there taking it. I only stopped when his hands grabbed my wrist pulling me into him.

His body heat and warm scent filled my nostrils, that and the smell of the medical wing caused an overwhelming amount of emotions to flood my senses. I began to sob into his chest and I felt his arms wrap around me pulling me into him as we shifted to the ground.

“He’s not—he can’t be!” I let out a painful cry and he responded with brushing my hair down with his hand and rubbing my back, just like how my brother did. I couldn’t take it and I gave in, wrapping my arms around his waist as I wailed into his chest.

After about an hour and a half I was now down to hiccups and sniffles, still in the same position as before. I felt Negans lips press into my head, “He was out in a run with Clyde and Nick… they just got back and… came back with his head. I asked why they had just the head and they said to put it on a stick because he tried to kill them,” my grip tightened around Negan as the tears came flooding back.

“Why?” My voice was weak and hoarse from my previous sobs and wails. I felt him sigh against my cheek, “I asked them the sam—“

“Why did you tell me you loved me,” it seems my question caught him off guard. His hands grasped my shoulders and pulled me back gently so he could look me in the eyes.

“I told you I love you because I do. I love the way you smile, the way your hair looks when it’s not curled, the way your face is when there’s no makeup on it, the way you dress when your not wearing your dress,” my eyes widened in shock at his confession. I watched his eyes soften, “I also hate you. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the way you make me want to kick all of the other girls out and just have you. I hate the way you look at me when I do or say something that upsets you. I also hate when you don’t look at me, those eyes… they haunt me. And if I could look at one woman the entire rest of my life, it would be you.”

My vision blurs at his words as I look down and feel tears slip from the lids in my eyes. His hand gently pulls my face to look at him “I would do anything to make you feel good. I would burn this whole place down if it meant seeing you smile or laugh.” He leans forward and feel his lips press my skin gently on my cheeks.

I felt hands on me. I felt their hands on me. I felt their breath and their teeth. I heard their laughs and their groans. I tried to push them off and screamed for help. Their hands gripping my wrists so tight it felt like they were going to break off.

“Y/N!!”

I gasp and look around me. It was slightly dark in the room the only source of light came from a bed side lamp—wait a minute. I don’t have a bedside lamp. “Y/N, baby, are you okay,” I heard Negans voice and my body came down from that tense feeling.

“I-I could feel them… their touch and their laughs…” before I knew it I began crying and Negan pulled me into his arms the two of us falling side ways on the bed. It felt good. The bed was soft and sunk under me. The comforter was a big fuzzy black one.

“It’s okay. No ones gonna hurt you again okay? Get some sleep we have a big day tomorrow,” I simply nodded at his words as he pulled the covers over us and held me close.

By the time I woke up the sun was peaking through the curtains and I was fully aware of where I was. Negan’s room. I had been sleeping here for two nights already. I didn’t want to go back to my room or anywhere else.

I left a dress at the end of the bed along with a note and some heels. I sighed and decided to shower before getting dressed. I froze when I saw myself in the mirror. I couldn’t pull myself from looking away. Disgusting. Shame. Hatred. And anger filled me up as I looked at myself.

I clenched my fists and shut my eyes before turning the shower on. It was so much nicer in this bathroom, it made me feel like I was low class and he was middle upper class.

After showering and getting changed I read the note:

Meet me at the spot ;)

-Hubby

I rolled my eyes and carefully made my way to “the spot” I was taken out of my thoughts when I felt someone fall into step with me. I stopped and spotted her brunette hair curled. She turned and smiled softly at me.

“I’m sorry… about your brother,” she reached for my hand and I let her. I didn’t want to cry not now but this was all too overwhelming. “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t alone,” I smiled sadly at her and we soon began walking again.

“Dwight met your brother. He really liked him. Said he was sassy and not afraid to show it,” I looked down and frowned at her words. I knew Dwight from Sherry, they were supposed to get married before Negan found them. “Yeah, I’m sure it’s what got him killed,” I said softly but loud enough for her to hear me.

She sighed and came to a stop. We were now just a hall away from “the spot” Negan wanted to meet me at, “Don’t blame anyone but the dickheads that killed him okay? Your brother was one of the good ones, which is pretty hard to come by nowadays.”

I sighed and shook my head in agreement. She shot me a comforting smile and squeezed my hand much like when she showed me off to get married to Negan. I gave her a smile back and let go, turning down the hallway to spot Negan just standing there swinging Lucille back and forth.

I assumed he heard the click clack of my heels because he looked over at me and grinned from ear to ear. Usually I felt disgusted when he looked at me like that but I only smiled at him and he held his arms out to me.

I leaned into his hug as he kissed my head and whispered in my ear, “let’s get this show in the road.” We made our way down to the common area where there was a giant brick made furnace. There were also four men lined up, each had a bag over their head.

I watched from the side as Negan instructed the bags be taken off their heads. My eyes widened as I saw Clyde, Andrew, Nick, and another guy. My hands started to feel clammy as I tightened my grip on the hem of my dress.

I then watched with a mixture of different emotions as Negan beat the shit out of all three guys except for Clyde. He had been blubbering like a baby and whining in fear. I could only stare as Negan forced him to take off his pants in front of all the saviors.

He did something rather unexpected but also expected, he took an extremely hot iron an held it to Clyde’s penis. I watched Negan in adoration as Clyde began convulsing. It looked like he passed out but a few moments later he turned into a rotter.

Negan took a machete from one of his men and chopped Clyde’s head off. He then instructed his men to clean up the mess and put his head on a stick outside the sanctuary. He then looked at me and motioned for me to come over, “Let this be a lesson! You fuck with my girl, Y/N, I will see to it you never get the ability to fuck ever again!” Then there was a roar of cheers and I made eye contact with the girls who were also shouting

Negan brought his hand under my chin pulling me to look at him, “Is this okay?” He asked making my heart flutter and my mind to race before pulling him in for a kiss in front of everyone.

“Negan!” I shouted as I felt his beard tickling my neck. “Mmm” he groaned softly placing more kisses downwards. “You have a meeting in 10 minutes,” I gasped as his hands found their way under my dress. We were seating on the sofa in his room.

It had been a week since he publicly executed those guys. I didn’t want to speak of them, it always managed to ruin my day. “I don’t care. Don’t wanna be interrupted from time with my girl,” he mumbled into the skin on my chest causing me to chuckle.

“Oh yea that’s right you don’t like to be interrupted—oh!” I felt his fingers press against my center causing me to let out a moan and grasp at his hair. “Don’t do that baby, I won’t be able to control myself,” he looked up at me through his lashes and I placed my hand on his cheek.

I smiled and pulled him in for a kiss before we were interrupted from harsh knocking “Come on man, some of us have meetings!” Shouting came from behind the door.

“I’m not done with you sweetheart,” Negan grinned and gave me one last passionate kiss before pulling away and fixing himself up. “Hey,” I called out to Negan who turned around after picking up Lucille, “I love you.”

I was met with a groan and he tossed Lucille aside on the loveseat and turned to open the door, “reschedule the meeting!” I heard him shout before he shut the door and locked.

“You have no idea what you do to me,” he began taking his shoes off and pulling his shirt over his head. “Why don’t you come and show me,” I teased pulling my dress off. That seemed to do it for him and soon he pounced on the bed causing a string of giggles to come out.

It was hard getting used to it, to everything. I didn’t even think to think about someone like Negan in such a light, but he wouldn’t always tell me he cared about me instead he never failed to show me how he felt.