#but even with all that gratitude. im fucking tired

[hannieehaee]

Thinking about doting woozi awakened something in me hnnng something about a tsundere man being soft is so fucking cute like you just KNOW he'd be so awkward abt it at first but as soon as he knows that you like it and even WANT IT from him he'd be the softest man on earth

content: bf!woozi, established relationship, pure fluff, woozi is starving for affection and doesnt know how to react to it!!

wc: 610

a/n: i know this wasnt a request but i had to turn it into a little drabble bc im so obsessed with him and wanna take care of him so badly i just need to manifest that need into writing</3

masterlist

the first time you took care of jihoon was subtle. it barely went noticed by him at first, but when he realized, he couldn't help but recoil to himself. it was odd, really, to have someone care for you in subtle ways. it wasn't expected.

in reality, it had been quite simple. walking into his home studio, he almost missed it due to his organizational habits, but upon closer inspection it was obvious. you had cleaned up.

not only had you done the usual superficial upkeep that he was accustomed to doing, but you'd dusted! you'd moved every figurine, every bit of equipment, every movable object, basically, and dusted it before placing it right back where it belonged. the air smelled clean too, courtesy of your good taste in cleaning products.

the cleanliness gave him a newfound energy, especially due to knowing it had been your act.

next time he saw you, he was a bit embarrassed to thank you, but still managed a hug and a suspicious 'love you' murmured against your lips without any further explanation.

~

cleaning his home studio became a more common occurrence after a while. jihoon had at some point formally expressed his gratitude for it, but also added the lack of need for it. he felt badly having you clean for him, so he shyly stumbled his way into telling you that it was okay! he wouldn't want you to tire yourself with such a task!

this was met with a squeeze at his hip and a giggle as you let him know that you didn't mind. he was rarely at home while you worked from home, so cleaning just became a natural part of your day.

he accepted this with warmth in his stomach. it was nice that it didn't feel like a responsibility to you. you just did it because you wanted to help him. he liked being helped.

this came along with various other acts of service you'd do without question. acts which continued to make jihoon's heart flurry with a mixture of gratitude and bashfulness.

the list was quite long, once he took a minute to really think about it.

you'd drop in with lunch for him and his bandmates every so often (which was quite a feat considering the number of friends he had), you'd brush his hair any time he let it grow a little more (claiming you just had that magic touch — which, granted, you did), suddenly he'd have socks on his feet when he woke up on a cold night, would find a brand newly knitted scarf on his way out the door in the morning, his kitchen would be stocked with his favorite coffee mix. there were too many tiny details to count.

jihoon always tried to return the favor, but would always feel like he lacked. no one in this world could compare to how doting you were, he'd decided.

worst of all was the viscerally embarrassing way in which he'd react at your acts of service.

he'd always known himself to be bad at receiving love, but he had thought that being with you would teach him a thing to do. the reality was, though, that the stuttering and the blush on his cheeks would just become a staple every time you so much as removed an eyelash from his cheek.

he sometimes wondered to himself, did you realize? how affection-starved he was? how much he truly appreciated your affections despite being the worst at verbalizing this gratefulness?

but the answer was found in the kiss pressed to his cheek any time he'd stutter his way through a 'thank you, i love you.'

[libingan]

—how the tf141 are like when they’re sick.

im sick. that’s literally my only motivation to write this.

i feel like absolute shit but holy fuck i wanted to write this so pls enjoy

no horny juice rn, so its all fluff

JOHN PRICE

when price gets sick, it’s almost like he’s in denial about it. he’s the type to downplay everything—says it’s just a little cough, just a bit of a sore throat. but then, as the fever starts creeping up, you see the cracks in his usual solid demeanor. he’s flushed, his breathing a bit labored, and when you gently place the back of your hand on his forehead, he swats you away at first, grumbling that he’s fine.

“you don’t have to worry about me,” he mutters, trying to keep his voice steady. but the cough that rattles through his chest betrays him, and eventually, even he can’t deny it anymore.

you coax him into bed, tucking the blankets around his broad frame, and he grumbles under his breath about how ridiculous this all is. he’s not used to being taken care of—he’s the captain, the one in charge, and letting someone fuss over him isn’t in his nature. but there’s a moment when you bring him some tea, and he accepts it quietly, his eyes softening just a little as he watches you.

“i’ve had worse,” he rasps, his voice thick with congestion, but when you sit beside him, he leans into the warmth of your presence, even if he won’t admit it. he tries to stay in control, tries to ask about your day or if there’s any work that needs to be done, but you can see how tired he is. when he finally gives in to sleep, his hand rests loosely on yours, a silent acknowledgment that he’s glad you’re there, even if he doesn’t say it out loud.

KYLE ‘GAZ’ GARRICK

gaz is the worst when he’s sick, and he knows it. he tries to be strong about it, but the minute the fever sets in, he’s a mess of sniffles, groans, and dramatic sighs. you find him sprawled out on the couch, a blanket barely covering him as he flips through channels, looking utterly miserable.

“i feel like death,” he complains when you sit next to him, and despite the obvious exaggeration, he looks pitiful enough that you can’t help but smile. he’s not usually one to be overly needy, but when he’s sick? he’s all about the attention.

you bring him some soup, and he gives you a weak smile, propping himself up just enough to take a sip. “you’re an angel,” he mumbles, but even that little bit of gratitude is followed by a dramatic cough that makes you roll your eyes.

he’s restless, constantly shifting under the blankets and complaining about how bored he is, how much he hates feeling like this. you offer to stay with him, and his eyes light up, a mischievous glint behind the obvious exhaustion. “you gonna keep me company?” he teases, voice thick with congestion. “or are you just here to make sure i don’t die on the couch?

you settle in beside him, and even though he’s feeling awful, he still cracks jokes, trying to keep things light. but there’s a quiet moment where he leans into you, his head resting on your shoulder as he drifts off to sleep, his breathing finally evening out. you stay there, feeling the weight of him against you, knowing that as much as he’s complaining, he appreciates you being there.

JOHN ‘SOAP’ MACTAVISH

soap is absolutely insufferable when he’s sick, and he knows it. at first, he tries to play it off—still bouncing around, still grinning, still acting like everything’s fine. but then the fever hits, and it’s like watching a hurricane get knocked flat. he’s sprawled out on the bed, tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable no matter what he does.

you bring him a glass of water, and he gives you that familiar, cocky grin, even though he’s clearly not feeling well. “you’re a sight for sore eyes,” he rasps, taking the water and downing it in one go. his voice is rough, but there’s still that glint of mischief in his eyes. “ye know, if i weren’t sick, we could be havin’ a lot more fun right now.”

you roll your eyes, but there’s no denying the way his teasing makes your heart flutter. he’s always been like this—flirty, cheeky, always pushing your buttons. even now, as he’s lying there, feverish and miserable, he can’t resist making a comment.

“don’t suppose you’ll give me a wee cuddle, eh?” he grins, shifting on the bed and patting the spot beside him. “might help me feel better.”

you know he’s just trying to get a rise out of you, but when you settle next to him, he actually quiets down for a moment, resting his head on your shoulder. his skin is warm, almost too warm, and you can feel the tension in his muscles as he tries to get comfortable

“don’t worry,” he mumbles, his voice soft now. “i’ll be back to my usual self soon enough. ye won’t be able to keep yer hands off me.” despite his words, he’s clearly exhausted, and when he finally drifts off, he’s peaceful for once, his usual energy gone, replaced by the quiet rhythm of his breathing.

SIMON ‘GHOST’ RILEY

when ghost gets sick, it’s like he’s trying to hide it from the world. he’s not the type to show weakness, not even to you, and it takes a lot for him to admit that he’s not feeling well. but eventually, even he can’t fight it off anymore, and you find him in bed, eyes closed, the tension in his body betraying how much he’s struggling.

he doesn’t say much when you sit beside him, offering him some medicine and a glass of water. he just nods, his fingers brushing against yours as he takes the glass, the touch brief but enough to let you know he’s thankful for your presence.

he’s quiet—always quiet—but even more so when he’s sick. there’s no grumbling, no complaining, just the occasional shift of his body as he tries to get comfortable. you adjust the blankets around him, and his eyes flicker open for a moment, dark and heavy with exhaustion.

“you don’t have to stay,” he mutters, his voice low and rough. but there’s no force behind his words, no real intent for you to leave. in fact, the way his eyes follow you as you move around the room tells you that he doesn’t want to be alone, even if he won’t admit it.

you sit beside him, and for a while, there’s just the sound of his breathing, slow and labored. he doesn’t ask for anything, doesn’t demand your attention, but the way his hand occasionally brushes against yours is enough. he’s not used to being taken care of, but he lets you stay, lets you be the quiet comfort he needs.

eventually, his breathing evens out, and he falls into a restless sleep. you watch over him, knowing that even though he doesn’t say much, your presence is enough to ease some of the weight he’s carrying, even if only for a little while.

[uravichii]

4:17 AM ー shinsou hitoshi

genre: fluff, heavy comfort in the end, self-indulgent !!

cw: (1) mention of "ma'am" i'm so sorry it sounded cute i couldn't help it. that's the only gendered term here tho :') this is for all u tired smarty pants girlies im giving u a bf who'll stay up with u 😡

shinsou hitoshi's favorite thing to do is staying up with you throughout every single one of your all-nighters.

whether it's for an exam, a shit ton of homework, or a group project which, for some reason, you're finishing all by yourselfー he's plopped there on your bed, perfectly behaved and quiet as you threatened asked him to be.

when you ask him why he's so insistent on accompanying you during these ungodly hours when you can't even give him a scrap of your attention at all due to your heavy workload, he simply shrugs and says:

"'ts fine. can't sleep in my own room anyway." hitoshi's lips slightly curve into a smirk. "plus, i like watching over you. you pout when you're focusedー did you know that? cutest shit ever."

you roll your eyes as you turn back to your laptop, frowning at the heaps of unfinished work left. "well, if you bother me, i'm throwing you out of my room, alright?"

"yes, ma'am." he obliges. "coffee service is an exception though, right? back rubs too... if that's not a bother."

you whip your head back at him with tearful puppy eyes of gratitude. it's taking everything in you not to mount your boyfriend right now and pepper his face with little kisses.

he snorts at your adorable expression.

"stop. don't look at me like that. i'm gonna want to snuggle with you, and you won't get any work done." he chuckles softly as you swivel your chair back to your desk. "let me know if you want anything else."

a few hours and two cups of coffee later, he's still there, watching as you hunch over your desk, nimble fingers typing incessantly on your laptop with the occasional cursing of familiar names under your breathー he's guessing you're carrying a whole group project by yourself again.

he glances at the time on his phone, and being the ridiculously observant boyfriend that he is, he knows the exact second you're about to say:

"okay!" you hoist yourself up, slamming your hands on your desk. it doesn't startle your poor boyfriend anymore at this point.

"power nap?" he guesses.

"just for 20 minutes."

"alright, c'mere."

you collapse into his open arms, melting into him as he instinctively starts rubbing circles on your back. he peeks at your already closed eyes. "hey, you set a timer yet?"

your eyes snap open, "oh right." you pull out your phone and clumsily make a few taps before you toss it away, not even bothering to turn it off. "'kay done. g'night."

hitoshi glances at the bright screen. "uh. sorry to break it to you, y/n, but i don't think typing typing '430' on your calculator's gonna wake you up."

"fuck." you jolt up and grab your phone again.

hitoshi watches as you make a second attempt to set an alarm, which seems to have magically disappeared from your phone.

"that's... that's the calendar, babe."

and then another attempt,

"you're dialing 430?"

"well, i can't find the damnー" you shove the phone to him and whine, "you do it!"

he snickers before pulling you closer, caging you in his long limbs and obligingly pulling the phone from your hands "alright, alright. i'll wake you up. you just take a nap right here, hm?" he gently pats your cheek twice before kissing your forehead. hitoshi has always had a habit of babying you when you're all sleepy and snug like this.

he doesn't actually let the alarm go off. you're obviously exhausted, burnt out, and a tad irritatedー the last thing you ever need is having your power nap cut short with that god-awful noise.

instead, you're woken up by your boyfriend rhythmically smoothing his palm down your arm, planting featherlight kisses across your sleeping face.

"y/n. babe, wake up." he gently lifts you up until you're sat up on the bed, your back laid flat against his chest as he wraps his arms around your waist. he props his chin on your shoulder and coos, "sleepyhead. c'mon, you can get all snuggly and cute with me when you're done. right now, you gotta get up and get that gorgeous brain working again. you're not done yet, are you?"

he presses one last kiss on your cheek before you eventually (and reluctantly) rise from the bed, dragging your languid feet across the floor until you reach your desk and start working again almost instantly.

you hear the pads of his feet across the hardwood floor as he walks over to you, draping his heavy arms around you and brushing his thumb against your shoulder, "coffee?"

you give him a tired smile in response.

this cycle repeats two more timesー you crawling in his arms for another power nap, him waking you up in the sweetest, most gentle way possible, and you rising from the bed like a zombie, getting increasingly worn out until you finally stop typing and pass everything barely on time.

you slip into hitoshi's arms again and nuzzle your face against his chest, "'t's done." you mumble, your exhaustion draining out your energy to even enunciate your words.

"really? that's good then." he strokes the back of your head, pulling you closer by your waist. "you okay?"

you instantly start weeping. "no, i'm so tired. i'm so fucking tired. i'm dying. i can't do this anymore. that group project took up so much of my time so i couldn't write my own essay well. i just bullshitted my way for the last two paragraphs. it's awful."

"hey, you never write anything awful, y/n. it's physically impossible for the y/n to write a bad sentence." he continues petting your head as he consoles you.

"i justー" you mumble, your voice muffled by his hoodie as you press your face against his chest, "i could've done a lot better if i had more time."

hitoshi sighs, soothingly rubbing circles on your back. he wishes people didn't expect so much of you. never mind how intelligent and reliable you areー he's sick of people exhausting you like this. aren't you tired, even a little bit, of people constantly taking more than what you can give?

hitoshi's lips pressed on the top of your head as he ponders.

"hey." he calls.

"hm?"

"what if i... extend the deadline for that essay? you know, 'convince' your teacher to set a more reasonable one."

you raise your head to meet his eyes. "what?"

he clears his throat, avoiding your concerned gaze, "what if i brainwashed your teacherー"

"no, i get what you were saying, but i don't think that's a good idea, hitoshi." you frown.

"look, if you're not on board with it, i won't force it. i can't help you with these essays, can i? no one writes as good as you, so i'm just trying to help in any way i can."

"but hitoshi, that's notー" a yawn interrupts your sentence, brimming your eyes with tears. you easily surrender to sleep and snuggle back on his chest, "yeah, you know what? do that. fuck them."

your uncaring teachers be damned. count in your group mates that may as well be dead weights too. sleep and your sweet boyfriend felt less irksome to think about. you'll worry about everything later.

hitoshi snorts at your easy submission, hugging your waist even tighter as he whispers sweetly in your ear, his voice deep and tired, "i love you." he presses a kiss behind your ear, "if only i was half as smart and brilliant as you, i would've helped you with these thingsー you know that, right? if i could write essays as well as you do and my talents were on par with yours, i would've helped you a lot more."

he lowers his head to peek at your adorable, sleepy face before attacking your cheek and neck with smooches, "but you write such beautiful sentencesー how do you do that? what's your secret?" you giggle, both from the validation and his loud smooches.

silence settles over you as you catch your breath from that burst of laughter. he gently strokes the back of your head, feeling comfort himself at the steady rise and fall of your chest against his.

a sleepy mumble of "i love you." was all you could utter to your boyfriend before you start to drift offー you'll coddle him in the morning when you have the energy.

hitoshi smooths your hair back and presses a soft kiss on your forehead. "i love you too. i'm proud of you, okay? if you ever feel like no one acknowledges how hard you work everyday, just know that i'm here, and i see you every single timeー i've never missed an all-nighter, have i?" he snickers, "no matter how delirious and insane you get during these hours, i'm always there."

you chuckle softly and sigh, brushing your thumb softly against his arm.

"hitoshi?"

"yeah? what is it?"

you pause in hesitation, but you say it anyway. hitoshi would love the idea more than you already do.

"what if you brainwashed my group mates too?"

hitoshi smirks proudly. this is when he knows you've been spending way too much time with him.

"give me their names first thing in the morning, babe. i got you."

special tag: this is for @escapenightmare who also recently carried a whole group project on her back gws <3

TAGLIST [1/2] @uxavity @joy-the-reader @kiiraes @escapenightmare @afk-dreaminq @avocamich @theboredvee @wonderwrench @ur-local-simp @p-ol @x0xuglyh0tgrl2005xoxo @cosmonettica @melin-oe @mitzi127 @lilac-o @r2katsu @bakucumsackslut @idunnomynamesince2005 @astralwaifu @taurus852 @creepyproxies @maycat-19-142 @stella-fleurets @veenxys @devilgirlcrybabiey @drawingaddict @kageyama-i-want-tobiors @lexiv-web @angelshimaa @izukus-gf @christiansdior @homosexualjohnwayne @uwiuwi @hirugummies @cupidines @loveisningning (bold couldn't be tagged)

[nmakii]

maki i beg you to write rin and s/o that also has sibling issues.. like not the "oh my sibling also left me lolol" issues like.. they're always gonna be in their sibling's shadow no matter what they do.. and their sibling absolutely hates their guts.. please..

I THINK I’VE SEEN THIS FILM BEFORE

— rin itoshi x reader with sibling issues

on behalf of older siblings, i side with sae :x

— rin itoshi

rins having one of those moments where he’s rethinking everything,,, like, he starts rethinking all about the times he’s been harsh to you. lowk start feeling bad :x

he’d try to be nicer. keyword: try. if you’re doing something braindead stupid, hes still gonna call you out hahaha

he’ll be more encouraging—ish… whenever you’re half-assing something (like example studies…), he wont be as harsh as he is with like bachira and the top 3… he’d go like “cmon… you know how to solve this. …do you need a hint..?”

and if on the very un-rare occasion, you do something that pisses him off, he would… do nothing! i know, shocking. he lobs u after all <3

this is only like… 1/4 because he feels bad for you and how your family’s treated you, and 3/4 because he wants to become the person he wanted sae to be.

hehe its actually pretty healing for the both of you. sometimes if the atmosphere is light and kind enough, you might even get him to smile a little bit :x <3

12:45. and you and rin were still up, studying for your math exam tomorrow.

“ugh..! i cant do it, rin. i don’t get it! y’know what? ill just fail..!” you frown, head in your hands. rin sighs. he really wanted to go to sleep, but he promised you that he’d help you prepare, and he has to follow through.

“d—ugh… dont be negative. i know you’ll be able to pass.” he pats you on the head. “do you wanna… review the concepts one more time, and solve one more problem before bed? i can help you study one more time in the library, okay?” he offered.

“mm… i need a breakkk..!” you groan. a break would mean having to stay up later… “i… fine… i need a break too…” rin groans. “..! what the hell does that mean..?!” you lash out at him, face pouty with a frown.

“…im joking. but, i am getting tired…” he says. he takes note of your guilty face. “i… sorry for keeping you up, rin… after this, you can sleep…”

fuck.

that face was making him feel guilty. “i didn’t mean it like that. im just saying its late, and you need to sleep early if you want your brain functioning.” he rested his hand on your shoulder. “cmon, let’s take a five-minute break and get back to this. okay?”

you nodded.

1:36. you were finally done, and much more confident than you were an hour ago. “yes, i got it!” you cheered. rin’s lips curled up at your enthusiasm. “it’s late now. get plenty of rest, okay? don’t panic, and just do your best.” he says.

you look at him like a child at their new pet; full of adoration and affection. you quickly ambush him with a tight hug, causing rin to wheeze out, the air in his lungs being kicked out in an instant. “ack..! ghh..! l..let me go…” rin heaves.

eventually, you do let go, choosing to move to a looser hug around his neck. “thank you, rin…” you smile. something in your gratitude stirs rin’s heart. as if the past was gone, and all that was left was the future.

“i..it’s no problem, okay? just go rest already, you need sleep…” his words and body language conflicting; his words pushing you away, and his hands pulling you closer as his lips find the crown of your head. he reluctantly lets you go sooner or later and helps you to clean up the various papers and textbooks.

as rin puts away his belongings, you cuddle up with him. “my favorite private tutor…” you snicker. rin rolls his eyes. “private tutor? that implies im getting paid to do this for you…” he frowns. “what?! my payment is my love for you..! isn’t that enough..?!” you argue back.

rin tried to hide the laugh that comes from his throat, but it’s quite obvious from the smile on his face. “…fine, i guess so. but, a little more loving wouldn’t hurt either.”

[scararingg]

furina nfsw hcs • > ~ <

— ( IM PRETTY SURE SHES A ADULT SO YH IM MAKING THIS CUZ I RLLY LOVE FURINA <33 SHE AWAKENED MY GAYNESS!!!)

btw these are my hcs! Sorry i you don’t have the same ones, but this is what I think!! <3

________________________

She’s a bottom, it might seem as if she’s top with all her plays and talking, but with you she just wants to have princess treatment:

She whimpers, a lot. She’s a virgin, even though she’s lived for so long she never fucked anyone until she met you.

She hates getting degraded!! Just praise her, tell her how amazing and kind she is, she feels so bad about herself after everything and feels as if their gratitude is just fake, and they only cared since she was the ‘hydro archon’

She doesn’t like rough sex. She likes it slow and gentle. And no place other than the bedroom or anywhere private, her role!! Her reputation! She loves you so much, but she doesn’t want to get caught.. it would be so embarrassing.

Not that suprisingly, at times she’s a brat and wants to get fucked to oblivion. This is whenever she’s tired or just feeling bratty, or maybe even a bit.. jealous?

Her private part is a light pink, and she doesn’t cum alot, she has very good stamina and it takes her a long time to cum.

It’s all worth it, as the taste of it is really good, and not to mention he loves being eaten out, , even, it makes her tear up in pleasure, it’s her favourite thing to do.

Of course she won’t just let you pleasure her all the time, even if she deserves it, she’ll suck you off / eat you out if you ask. Albeit, it will be messy as she doesn’t know how to do it, you’ll have to guide her to do it otherwise she will just be sloppily licking you.

She doesn’t use toys, as she can’t have any because what if someone found it? But if she does have any, she gives them to you so you can do it in the safety of YOUR home instead of her home where people might be watching!!

Her favourite position is where your underneath her. It gives her a sense of power and she fucking loves it even though she’s basically never dom, it makes her even wetter than before

[da-bees]

Undertale AU Characters as Flowers

So i got hyperfixated on flowers meanings and it has taken over my life so here is my favorite little guys as flowers

Flower meanings are based on the flower and then its color, so like red roses mean something different than yellow roses, but both relate to love. Also differnt cultures have different meanings for flowers. This was a nightmare to reasearch, lots of conflicting info.

(Note that some flowers seemingly have confilcting meanings, this is cause often their meanings can be affected by what other flowers are around them, like in a bouquet and shit. Also i will not accepting criticism :) )

Anyways lets go!

Ink - Marigolds

So marigolds represent joy, excitement, creativity and Energy, while also being associated with grief, despair, and mourning. This fits Ink very well, he a very bright person while having one of the fucking sadesst backstory like ever. Also they are assocatied with protection and I think that fun with his protecter of the multiverse thing.

Blue - Bluebells & Blue Dahlias

Bluebells represent resilience, strength, overcoming adversity, growth, along with humility, constancy, gratitude, and kindness. This feels kinda self explaintory cause Blue is a very power dude and a very kind person, so bluebells are perfect for him

I picked blue dahlias mainly for their symbolism of standing out from the crowd, though its other meanings also apply, change, strength, fresh start, inner strength, positive change, and commitment. Cause like out of the whole mutiverse of Sans and even other swaps Blue managed to fight along side some of the most power people and holds up against people like Nightmare and Error. He is truly unquie to the other swaps and i wanted this flower to represent that. Can you tell i really like Blue. (Also ignore that true blue dahlias dont exist, truly wild that one can find flower meanings for a flower that doesn't exist, there are blueish green dahlias :P )

Dream - Yellow Chysanthemums & Purple Hyacinths

Yellow chysanthemums represent happiness, joy, celebration, the sun. light, friendship, and optism, along with neglected love, sorrow, rebirth, and protector. This fits really well with Dream cause on the surface he is a sweet cheerful guy, literally the embodiment of postitivity but he also feels a lot of grief and guilt for what happen to his brother. Which is further emphasized by the purple hyacinths, wich repesent sorrow, regret, and a desire foe forgiveness. Also by complete accident his flowers are yellow and purple, like how he and nightmare were when they were kids.

Nightmare - Astrantia, Black Dahlias, & Black Roses

So the astrantias reprsent passive, cause like they represent strength, innocence, courage, magic, and protection, along with assocaitions with stars and the night sky. It represents all he couls have been if not for what happened. very sad

Now for the black dahlias and roses. Black dahlias represent betrayal, saddness, change, beauty, power, and negative emotions. Black roses represent death, despair, hatred, revenge, mourning, loss, rebirth, tragedy, regret, elegance, and mystery. these represent who is becomes after his corruption and the "death" of passive, he's angry and hurting and he lashes out at those around him. He feels betrayed both by the villagers and by Dream, but he is also mourning who he was and his brother. Also he's hot and powerful so like.

Anyways ill do the rest later cause its like 2:30 and im tired.

[greatpestilenz]

Warm Waters - Dabi x Reader Smut

-IM FUCKING CRYING THIS IS THE LONGEST SHIT IVE EVER DONE OM

-ALL CHARACTERS ARE OF LEGAL AGE!!!!

-Also i loooooooove sweet pillow talks. Something about a character pouring their heart out for you after something so intense just makes my kneeeeeees buckleee

   As you hear the sound of the front door creak open, you know it's Dabi returning from a grueling day at work. Your heart flutters with anticipation as you rush to meet him, but he's so utterly exhausted that he barely acknowledges your presence. Instead, he wearily kicks off his boots and trudges towards the couch, hoping to find a moment of respite. Unable to bear seeing him so drained, you quietly trail behind, your concern for him growing with each step. You hesitate for a brief moment before speaking up to greet him.

   "Welcome home, babe." You wearily call out.

   Dabi glanced over at you, his tired eyes softening slightly at the sound of your voice. He didn't respond verbally, but a small nod and a faint smile let you know that your presence was appreciated. He patted the spot on the couch next to him, a silent invitation for you to join him.

   You hesitate for a brief moment before gently sitting beside him, your presence a silent show of support, understanding, and unspoken love, ready to be there for him in any way he needs, even if it means just being a comforting presence by his side. "Everything okay?" You ask softly.

   Dabi leaned back against the couch, propping one arm on the backrest as he closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. "It's been a long day," he replied in a tired voice. "Dealing with heroes can really get on your nerves. But being here with you, it makes things better." He opened his eyes to give you a tired but genuine smile.

   "That's good. Do you need anything? Have you had dinner? Would you like a bath?"    Dabi's tired eyes flickered with gratitude as he looked at you. He appreciated your concern and it made him feel cared for. "I haven't eaten yet," he admitted, realizing that he had neglected his own needs in the midst of his frustration. "I could use something to eat, and a bath sounds nice too. But let's start with dinner first." His stomach growled audibly, reminding him of how hungry he was.

   "I'll get started on it."

   Dabi nodded appreciatively as he watched you get up and head towards the kitchen. He leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes once again, feeling slightly more relaxed knowing that you were taking care of him. He could hear the sound of pots and pans clattering in the kitchen, and the aroma of food cooking soon filled the air, making his stomach rumble even louder.

   Once dinner was served, you called him over as you set plates down on the dining table. "I made your favourite."

   Dabi's eyes snapped open at the mention of his favourite meal. He slowly sat up, his fatigue momentarily forgotten as he made his way to the dining table. The aroma of his favourite dish filled his nostrils, causing his mouth to water in anticipation. He looked at you with a grateful smile as he took a seat at the table. "You always know how to take care of me," he murmured, genuinely touched by your gesture.

   "Let's eat?"

   Dabi nodded eagerly, his exhaustion fading as he focused on the delicious meal before him. He picked up his utensils and dug in, savouring every bite of his favourite dish. The flavours exploded in his mouth, and his weariness started to melt away as he indulged in the comforting taste. "Mmm, this is amazing," he complimented between mouthfuls, his appreciation evident in his tone. He ate with a satisfied expression, enjoying the food and your presence by his side.

  "That's good. I'm glad." You smiled.

   Dabi glanced up from his plate, meeting your smile with his own. There was a warmth in his eyes as he looked at you, taking in your presence and the care you were showing him. "Thank you," he replied softly, his voice laced with genuine gratitude. "It's moments like these that make everything a little easier to bear." He reached across the table, gently taking your hand in his, giving it a grateful squeeze.

   After dinner, you get up to do the dishes but Dabi stops you. He mentions doing it himself but you tell him he's tired and needs to rest.

      Dabi initially opened his mouth to protest, his ingrained sense of independence urging him to take care of the dishes himself. But as he looked into your eyes, he saw the concern and care behind your words. He knew deep down that you were right, that he needed to rest and recover from the exhausting day he had. Reluctantly, he nodded, a faint smile tugging at his lips. "Alright, you win this time," he conceded, his voice filled with a mix of gratitude and amusement. "I'll leave the dishes to you, but promise me you'll take it easy too, okay?"

   "Okay. I'll run you a bath in a bit," You say as you push him out of the kitchen.

   Dabi's tired expression softened as he heard your words. He appreciated your thoughtfulness and consideration, knowing that a bath would help him relax and unwind. "Thank you," he replied, his voice filled with genuine appreciation. "I'll wait for you." He leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes momentarily as he let the anticipation of a warm bath wash over him.

   After diligently washing the dishes, you go up to your shared bedroom and run his bath in your bathroom.

   Dabi's tired eyes followed you with a mix of exhaustion and desire as you made your way to the bathroom to run his bath. He watches as you run him a bath, checking if the temperature is just right and preparing the body scrubs and fragrant oils he likes to use. The anticipation of relaxation and the intimate connection he knew would follow filled him with a renewed energy. He admired your diligence and attention to detail, knowing that you went the extra mile to make sure everything was perfect for him. Gradually, a faint smile tugged at his lips as he imagined the decadent pleasure that awaited him. He couldn't wait to immerse himself in the warm water, guided by your gentle touch and the inviting scent of the oils you had prepared.

   "Your bath is ready." You smile at him and turn towards the door to grab him some towels. Dabi's hand reaches for yours and stops you from going anywhere.

   Dabi's hand closes around yours, his touch firm yet gentle as he pulls you closer to him. His eyes meet yours, filled with a mix of desire and gratitude. "Don't be in such a hurry," he murmurs, his voice low and husky. His thumb traces small circles on the back of your hand, his touch sending shivers down your spine. "I appreciate everything you've done for me today. But right now, what I need most is you." His voice is filled with a raw hunger as he leans in, his lips brushing against yours in a teasingly soft kiss.

   Passions ignited, Dabi wastes no time in shedding his and your clothes, his actions fuelled by a raw desire that had been building throughout the day. With a swift strength, he lifts you effortlessly into his arms, his touch sending a surge of excitement through you. The heat of the water envelopes your bodies as he carefully submerges the two of you, indulging in the scalding sensation that sears the weariness from his skin. The closeness of your bodies creates an intimate connection, as he pulls you closer, his lips capturing yours in a hungry, desperate kiss. The hot water caresses your skin, heightening every sensation as his hands roam your body with fervour and hunger.

   "D-Dabi--!"

   Dabi's voice is husky with desire as he responds to your plea. His actions become more urgent and desperate as he explores every inch of your body, his hands running over your curves and eliciting shivers of pleasure. The water serves as a tantalizing lubrication as your bodies move together, the heat intensifying the sensations as you chase ecstasy. His lips trail hot kisses along your neck, his teeth grazing your skin in a primal display of dominance. You can feel his desire, hot and hard against your skin, as he positions himself, ready to claim you completely. With a mixture of anticipation and need, he enters you, setting off a cascade of pleasure that washes over both of you. The water splashes around you, the rhythmic motion of your bodies creating a symphony of desire and pleasure. Moans and gasps fill the steam-filled bathroom as you surrender to each other, finding release and fulfilment in the heat of the moment.

   Dabi's passionate gaze locks with yours as he continues to move with increasing intensity. "You need to wash up- ah-!" He acknowledges your plea, but the intoxicating desire and hunger within him push him to seek his own release first. He positions himself firmly on top of you, his movements becoming more relentless and demanding. The water splashes around you, creating a sensual symphony of sounds as the heat and pleasure build to a crescendo. He moans and grunts in response to the tightness and warmth surrounding him, his pace growing feverish as he chases his own climax. The steamy bathroom becomes a sanctuary of pleasure, the world outside fading away as you both succumb to the raw, primal passion that consumes you.

   You moan out his name and Dabi groans deeply at the sensation of your nails digging into his back, the mixture of pain and pleasure sending a surge of arousal coursing through him. He relishes in the feeling, his pace becoming even more frenzied as he strives to bring both of you to the peak of pleasure. The steam-filled room echoes with your moans and cries of ecstasy, intertwining with the splashing water and the sound of your bodies colliding in a feverish dance. The pleasure builds, reaching a crescendo as waves of intense pleasure crash over you both, leaving you gasping and trembling in its wake. The overwhelming release consumes you, leaving no room for rational thought or hesitation, only pure and unadulterated satisfaction.

   Dabi's soft words and tender kisses shower your face, his affection and appreciation evident in every touch and whispered sentiment. "You did so well.." He whispers into your ear. "You're my stress relief, you know that?" The intensity of his gaze holds you captivated, his eyes filled with a mixture of satisfaction, desire, and overwhelming affection. The weight of his words sinks in, and a warm smile spreads across your face as you bask in his love and the connection you share. "I'm glad I could be there for you," you reply, your voice filled with love and contentment. "You are my everything, Dabi. I'll always be here to be your stress relief, to love and support you."

   "I love you so much, you don't even know. I would give you the world and at the same time burn it if that's what it means to be with you." Dabi's declaration of love and devotion sends a shiver down your spine, the raw intensity of his words leaving you breathless. The passion in his kiss resonates with the deep connection you share, filling you with a sense of overwhelming love and desire. As your lips meet in a fiery embrace, the world around you fades away, leaving only the two of you in a bubble of raw emotion. In that moment, nothing else matters except for the fierce love and devotion you have for each other. The kiss becomes a testament to your fiery connection, a symbol of the depths of your love that transcends all boundaries.

[dollivication]

speaking of kitty v.. cat hybrid!v… PANTERA HYBRID!v 🫨🫨

like,,, u js found him on the street on a rainy night it was cold it was dark n he was inside a wet cardboard box shivering and absolutely drenched from the rain:( he was a stray for a lil long while (ehem visions of v tease) so when user approached him he was in defense mode:(

somehow he agreed to come home bc,,, hes very tired of being a stray cat:( and like,, hes so so so grateful w u he doesnt even know what to do as a form of repayment ૮꒰◞ ˕ ◟ ྀི꒱ა hes very careful w his touches (specially if hes a pantera and not a cat) bc hes afraid of hurting u<\\\\3 js a gentle lil cat

i rlly want to expand on nsfw cat hybrid!v but nawthin comes to mind pls help me on this one ur a better chef than me:3

— 🍓

WHAT. WHATTHEFICK I SHIT YU NOT I ACTUALLYDREW KITTY V IN A BOX IM SOBBING OUR BRAINS LINKED

this itches my brain… magnificently done 🍓non id like the entire stock :3

AUEUGHEHRG CAT/PANTERA V!! TRYING TO BE AS GENTLE AS PAWSIBLE!! he’s just sooo confused :( with all of these thugs running around, all of the stuff he’s seen on the streets, he doesn’t get why yur being so nice (◞‸◟)

just laik a regular cat, he will bring yew little trinkets because he has no clue how to show his gratitude!! he’s so proud of them too, laik look what iiii got!!! (it’s a bird?? let go, v??)

will be pretty dejected if you tell him to put whateva da fuck he found back where it came from… like oh… but it was for yu… okay… EARS LOWERED AND EVERYTHINGUGHHHH please don’t refuse his gifts..he doesn’t know how else to express his thankfulness </3

WE BOTH ARE GOOD COOKS VRO!! BUT nsfw… hihi… i do like to think,, for whatever reason, tugging lightly on his tail is enough for him to pop a boner?? v is just so sensitive there, and him actually trusting somewan enough to let them touch him there… he’s automatically spreading his legs for you and nuzzling you all over! yur the one for him, he’s decided!

he’s a very noisy kitty cat/panther!! laik,, he’s going to be purring like CRAAAZY, mewling your name softly at the lightest of touches! v rlly rlly likes burying his face in your skin, licking stripes up and down until you smell like him! (subconscious attempt at keeping any competition away teehee)

i think his tongue has the barbs too.. but like less sandpapery feely.. it still feels quite strange, but it can do no harm!! it probably even feels better when he eats you out >.<!!

and just laik a feline, when mounting yew he miiiight might bite the back of your neck.. gently, of course! it’s instincts, but he doesn’t actually wanna hurt yu!.. v is a BIT of a freak when it comes to having sex too i imagine (＞人＜;)

just the mere scent of yew will get his blood FLOWING, pupils dilating to 100 and tail swaying.. youre literawy catnip to him, he has stamina for hours!! whether it’s him or you doing the penetrating doesn’t matter, hes more than willing to explore with his beloved human ^w^ !!! ur gonna have to take the reins more often than not though, pls just let him cum somehow!

he has an awful lot of cum to spare too.. he’s a messy kitty, but he’ll do his best to clean you up after everything (with his tongue!! doesn’t like having to use a rag because uhm,, he’s literaly right there..)

[rrxnjun]

(im really stupid but i hope u like this fanletter 😭)

hello <3 this is for my favourite writer on tumblr; to the the same writer who does not realise how much their works could mean to someone, the lovely @rrxnjun 🎀 !!!

so, i found your blog at the beginning ot this month– november, 2023, and now that the month's about to end, i have nearly finished reading all your nct works.

to me, this month is the most special one of this year. why? because i found your blog, your stories– some pieces of your mind. i found you through one of those nct fanfic recs, 'take the stairs - njm' being the first work i read from you. it was sweet, it made me happy. and then i read the other two parts of the 'simplify romance' series, which will always hold a special place in my heart.

this year has been the worst for me, with no one for me to lean on to, weird identify crisis shit, and losing myself in this tiring process of growing up. but you know what? you saved 2023 for me. when no one's words could speak to me, yours did. you make me feel a little less lonely.

im a silly teenager, who never read sad/mainly angsty stories before i found you because i was scared, i was confident i'd cry. and i did. i gathered the courage to read angst only because you'd written it, and it was so worth it. ive stayed up so many nights this month just to read your works in peace and privacy, hidden from my family, and then spend the days thinking about how you literally create art, and telling my bestfriends about it. you are blessed. you are phenomenal. no amount of thank yous or i love yous could be enough for me to express my gratitude. you've made me feel so at peace with my thoughts sometimes and you've made me feel like i'm not alone. you have magic in your hands. i owe you so much, i wish i could gift you something, but sadly im still a minor and theres a few years until i finish uni and then get a job, and then i promise i'll get you something, because i am so lucky to be able to read your stories for free. you deserve so much more than followers, likes and reblogs. each one of your fics have made me tear up and all of them are too special for me.

this month ive read all of your nct dream '00 line fics, and my favourite was 'happier than ever' which i finished a week ago— AND I SWEAR THAT FIC DESTROYED ME 😭😭😭 it had me bawling my eyes out for two hours on a school night i love it so so fucking much, i literally think about it daily and i told all my friends about it and im so in love with it, please tell me, for my inner peace that renjun and the reader ended up getting together and being fine because im gonna cry over it for the rest of my life IDC IF THEY DIDNT END UP TOGETHER please lie to me and tell me they did 💔💔💔💔💔😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i want you to know, and to remember this whenever you feel even a little like giving up— you have magic, bar, don't ever let go of that magic.

your stories make me want to heal and to help everyone heal. to be loved and to love everyone. to be cared for and care for everyone. your magic helps me survive my days with a little smile. thank you so much for everything you've done for me, without realising you're helping me live.

every single word i wrote here– i swear on everything i have, i genuinely mean it. you are the best thing that happened this year :) i hope that one day someone will love you as much as i love your blog.

(me when i talk about your work)

P.S. permission to take a screenshot of your blog and paste it to my scrapbook by which i can remember my teenage years that your stories mended, please?

thank you for reading, ily ❤️

- your biggest fan (hopefully no one's more dedicated!!) 💘

when i saw this in my inbox i got so emotional i couldnt reply immidiately because i genuinely wanted to sob. this is so so sweet and it mustve taken a long time to type out and i appreciate you a WHOLE lot, not only for this, but also for supporting me sm over the last month. :,)

take the stairs is a very sweet and fun fic and i am glad you found my blog through this one, haha. the simplify romance series holds my favorite fics and i PROMISE to finish jeno's entry at the beginning of the next year!! it HAS to be done. it means a lot to me that you took the time of your day to read my works and that you enjoyed them so much to let me know.

i am happy to hear that my work could help you through some hard times. as a reader on this platform as well, i do know that feeling very well and i could never imagine being that person to someone, but i am glad my words could be there for you when no one else could. hearing this makes all the effort feel worth it, and it's something i'll think of whenever im having a hard time with my work again. i also hope life is nicer to you in the future, and if you ever need someone, my inbox is always open.

having my fics be called art is something i never imagined could happen. it's beyond what i think about my work, but i am honored to hear this compliment, truly. despite being a writer i cant find the words to express my gratitude towards you and your supportive words right now >:( it does mean the whole entire world to me. please do NOT worry about "paying me back" or something, i do this because it's what i love doing and sharing my work with others makes me happy, so an ask like this is more than enough for me. you made me feel really appreciated and i will remember and treasure your kind words forever.

happier than ever is definitely a heavier read, since it's partly from personal experience, hh. i tend to project on renjun a lot so take this as a warning for my other renjun fics LMAO. TT this fic has a special place in my heart and hearing you talk so highly about it makes me all warm on the inside hhhhh my love langugage is words of affirmation stop this or ill cry. i enjoy leaving my fics open-ended to interpretation of the reader, so whatever you feels fits their story is how the story ends for you. <3

i will definitely use this ask as a reminder to not give up when i feel like doing so. it really brought me a lot of strength :) thank you for calling my writing magic. i never imagined someone describing it that way, but it does feel good to hear haha

knowing that my work helped somebody and made them heal and feel all sorts of emotions inside makes me feel at peace. thank you so much. SO much.

also u really make me want to bawl with that scrapbook comment. cant believe im an important part of someone's teenage years :((

once again, words cant express how much this means to me. thank you and i hope my fics continue to be a source of good things for you :) i will think of this often. ily

[frostedcanadians]

I've never liked the idea of radical acceptance idk its just not something i could ever grasp but lately ive been practicing what I call radical gratitude (probably has already been a legitimate recognized coping mechanism with a fancy name that i dont know)

As someone with bipolar disorder I struggle often times with feelings of anger, frustration, unfairness. When Im in a low place the smallest of things feel like a gut punch and can send me over the edge. This mechanism started out feeling annoying and condescending but as Ive been forcing myself to practice it it feels less stupid.

When something irritates me I force myself to be grateful for it, big or small. This is what it looks like: this morning I ordered a hot latte and they gave me iced and I was too anxious to ask them to fix it. Driving away, tired and grumpy I felt myself getting more irritated that I just spent $8 on a coffee I didnt even order. I stopped myself in my tracks and forced myself to think: how absolutely lucky and privileged am I to exist in a time, place, and affordability that I can have a coffee given to me practically on demand whenever I want. How cool is that. That's amazing.

I'm having a graduation party this weekend and several of my friends have backed out at the last minute and I was feeling especially bummed, like I wasn't worth celebrating. Stop right there. I have other friends who made it a priority to not only celebrate me but be genuinely happy for me. Devote their time, energy, and even money to come have a night to celebrate me for my accomplishments. How kind is that. That's incredible and Im grateful for them and I love them.

My cat threw up right as I was leaving for work, making me late having to clean it up and generally just felt like a gross way to start my day. But how lucky am I to have a beautiful kitty that I adore, who loves me back? This little creature that trusts me, cuddles me, awaits my arrival home. How fucking cool is it that this little animal of another species is my best friend? That's bonkers.

Anyway like I said it felt really dumb and condescending at first but forcing myself to continually do it has been really helpful and lightened my perspective on life and if you find yourself struggling with constant feelings of frustration and anger that can't shake perhaps give this a go. It hasnt helped me with big things like trauma, but it does stop me from feeling like all the small things pile up. Love you all my mentally ill friends and take care of yourself <3

[idontmindifuforgetme]

how do you be hopeful about the future? im trying my best to move forward with my life, but depression is really making it seem like theres no point to it. i know that a new job, moving, more money, etc wont relieve the feeling i have because its something i need to address within me, but it just feels like then whats the point of doing any of that at all if it wont change anything. the new years coming and i cant find a way to be excited about what it might bring

who said any of that wouldn’t change anything? it very well could. maybe you’re profoundly unhappy at your current job, or your friends aren’t all that supportive or kind, or you’re tired of the city you’re currently living in. obviously all of that could also be untrue—i don’t know what your exact situation is—but the point is there are countless options for alleviating the sadness that’s currently plaguing you.

i wouldn’t tell you your main problem is that you no longer have options, but rather that you have a defeatist attitude about it. half of the battle of doing literally anything isn’t actually doing it, but believing you could. if you continue to believe nothing will change anything, you’ll stay stagnant. but if you give yourself the permission to be hopeful, you’ll act on that hope. & your actions will result in the change that you desire.

it’s a simple fact that things can change. there are too many people out there for it to be possible that no one would love you. there are too many opportunities out there for it to be plausible that no one would take you in. it’s just objectively untrue that there’s nothing left to be done. but if you never let go of the belief that it’s game over for you, you’ll never even give yourself a chance to prove otherwise.

it starts with gratitude. with appreciating the little things you do currently have. and then it gets better and better with every intentional move you make, to improve whatever situation you’re in: whether it be financial, environmental, or mental. maybe for you that looks like seeking professional help. depression is a fucking beast, but it doesn’t have to define you. it’s something many people struggle with every day. nonetheless, some of the most helpful, strong people i’ve ever met have mental issues. it can get better. it can absolutely get better. now more than ever, on the precipice of a new year, is the time to do some inner work and reflect on what would truly make you happy in this world. once you’ve figured out what happiness looks like for you, chase that w everything you have. and never, ever give up.

[epipenis]

i want them to suffer. i want to take back control. i wish id never gotten this far, this deep. i hate the idea that they think of me this way, that they’re better than me because they had a therapist telling to to do self care and about roll confusion. i’m so fucking mad and sad and hurt. i want to hurt them. but i cant. i have nothing. and its cruel. i’m just so so so fucking tired of feeling so incredibly exceedingly unappreciated. get out of my life. stop leaching off of the limited resources i have. do you even fucking realize for one second how much i’ve given up for you. how much i’ve begged and bared everything and lit myself on fire to try for you and you have failed me again and again and again and now i want you gone. and that anger and pain is so much stronger because i can’t get rid of you, i can’t have things go back to how they were, i can’t make you less selfish and ungrateful. i fucking hate you so much…. because i’ve loved you beyond what is even reasonable, or ultimately sustainable or healthy…. and it literally could never be enough. because you were never enough. and i’m a fucking fool for taking you on. i want you gone. i want you far away. and yet i want so desperately to have you see it. to have you appreciate it. at this point i just want to watch you suffer under the pain i’ve been carrying for so fucking long and literally dragging you along while i get dragged back. i’m worse off than i’ve ever been and you have barely made any growth……….. you’ve made some but it’s not even close to enough. it’s not enough. and you still dare to complain and burn the money you’ve been given. amanda said it themselves- not even if regard to me, but in regard to themselves, to jeff, ryan, rainey. “i don’t think they’ll ever realize how much good will they’ve burned”. i will never tell you these things…… bc some insane part of me needs to see you succeed because otherwise what the fuck was any of it for, and i think that could only make you crumble. and frankly i resent you for being so fucking weak that i can’t even tell you this shit. i can’t tell you anything. there is no room for growth or discussion. i always have to monitor everything i say. and you just blow your feelings all over the place. even when im begging, fucking begging. you still have to be in more pain. i hate you. i fucking hate you because i thought you were better than this and you just fucking aren’t. i hate you because you’re a reflection of all of my worst qualities and because of the pain i’ve put myself in. i want you gone. i don’t want any of the people who are supposed to be nice and to care for me give any more of that to you. i begged them to. begged. over and over again. and they gave everything even when they had nothing and i lost so much and you gave me so so so fucking little. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you i want to hurt you, emotionally, physically. i want to punch you. i worry that if you do it again i wont be able to control myself. don’t fucking touch me. how dare you be upset that i don’t say i love you. how dare you. i fucking hate you so god damn much you’re so weak. you ask for truth but you can never handle it and i always have to pick up the pieces im so fucking mad that you dare ask for patience again and again and again. you’re so like your sister. you’re awful. get away from me. how could you do this to me. you promised me it was worth it. and it just fucking isn’t. how could you fail me like this. am i really that meaningless. am i nothing. is anything i will ever do worth anything…….. i get you. because i trusted you. and i worked so so so so so fucking hard to help you figure out how to take care of yourself so that you could do the baseline and treat me with respect and trust and acknowledgement and love and gratitude and want and i never fucking got that shit. get out. get out……… i’m so mad because you tried…. because this was your best….. because i have cherished and respected and encouraged you and am grateful to you….. and it was t enough. and you will blow up again. do i ask for too much?

no. i have to believe i dont. maybe i didnt always ask in the best ways. maybe sowntimes too much. but you always gave what i didn’t want and didn’t give anything i begged for, and then acted burnt out. whose fault is that…… fuck. i’m so fucking hurt. how could i give away everything i have had to you. get the fuck out. get out…… even this pain wouldn’t have you realize it. you would be too busy playing the pain olympics and hating yourself and feeling judged. “i don’t have parent trauma” my fucking ass, fuck you, you’re so unaware. i want to kick you until you figure it out. because your stupid fucking bs has hurt me- so deeply. and even when i told you that it didn’t fucking matter and it had to be about you. is it because ‘i have things you don’t’. fuck you you selfish sinister neurotic narcissistic self centered traumatized and weak and helpless, hopeless, blind, stupid fucking bitch.

i hate that i tried to make you better when you fucking didn’t actually want it. not really.

and now i’m worse.

and i’m selfish. and awful. maybe i’ve only survived this long due to a saint complex………. kill me. but then again, i really believed in you…. and now i hope no one ever does again.i hope they all give up. i hope you never find someone to love you, hold you, make you cum, take you in, share their love, their community, i fucking want to burn your clit off. i want to tattoo on you the pain you’ve caused me so you never forget. i want to kill you and myself because i hate the idea of being this fucked and thinking this low of anyone. i just……… wish to god, please god, lord, savior, god, God. i wish this had t gone this way. i wish it was over. i wish you were better, somewhere far away, and i was happy….. i wish i hadn’t given up so much, i wish i could have it back. i hate you. i want to bite you. i want to choke you out. i want to tie you down and punch you……….. im nothing. i’m fucking nothing. and now i’m the scary and fucked up one. and now i’m the one you’ll work through in therapy. it’s me. i should’ve left a long long long time ago. but i didn’t.

take some responsibility. punch me, hard. do it first. so i can punch you back. i want to see you and hear you in pain. i want to be in pain. i want to be dead because i don’t want to be in pain and because i give up. i’m the fucking worst. i’m the tyrant. why didn’t you run. why did you have no one and nothing else. why are you still so sweet and tempting, why are you still so beautiful, why did you hurt me….. why did you hurt me. why. why. was i never enough. why did you do this. please just. fucking go away so i don’t have to hear you answer and i won’t even get a chance to ask because really want kind of sick unwell masochist am i to ask that question. at this point. i’m so hurt. i’m tired of begging. pleading. there’s no hope.

now i dry my tears and prepare for a war. what will i do. how strong can i be. what will it take. how far will i go. now that i see it, i want out. how do i sustain this. why. why are you like this. i hate you. you’re nothing. you are nothing. and it’s too late.

please hold me…………. don’t fucking touch me.

oh how things have changed. i can see the path walked a million times over, and im walking along side it. its littered with gravestones, id put a flower at every one. it’s frozen now. i can’t go back.

why couldn’t i have met you when you were better. would you have gotten better without me? am i really so se centered to believe that’s true? but then i look at how insanely fucking hard i’ve worked, and how little has changed, and i think……. maybe. and then i see you making progress. and i resent you for me. there’s no progress for me, when do you work on us, when do you help me. when do you stop thinking you’re so fucking perfect. you’re pretentious. and insolent. and stubborn. and childish. you are childish. no matter how much you know or what parent figures you have in your life or what you believe you’re doing and preforming. you are weak. and not in the ways you coddle yourself for. in the ways you praise yourself for.

no more flowers. don’t miss them. or i’ll hate you more. just leave. and never come back to this grave yard. not unless you bring your own flowers.

fuck you. for never helping pull the wagon. for dragging me down. for thinking to highly of yourself and so little at the same time. fuck yoh. fuck……… i want the tears to stop. i want to ache to stop. i want you to keep asking so i can keep denying. i want you to suffer. i want to take away everything i can. we’ve been down this road before. and i brought us back. and now. “whatever im going through” and it’s triggering you. i just……….. want to bite you. tie you down so you can’t stop me or scratch me, and bite you. i’m tired…………. im so tired. i want to feel the tired, that sad exhaustion and rest and peace in pain. but i want to bite you first.

ok. now that i’m sufficiently marked for inpatient. and you’re doing so well.

run good for you by olivia rodrigo. i told you one day it would be the song i played after we broke up. and you told me no… i should’ve known then.

💐

goodbye. i’ll miss you. and i’ll hate you for making me miss you. make it quick. give me a reason to hate you.

[stupidthoughtsinwriting]

i need to dump so leave if you don't want to read what i have to say

I don't complain about my mum. She's done everything for me and my brother and i will forever love her for that but damn it she says things that hurt.

i need to let this out bc i really have no friends to vent this out to but even if no one sees this, it's out there and i let it out.

I am a nice person. I like to believe im a nice person and the reason I doubt that is because i constantly get told the opposite by my own family. I try my best, to do things in the way my mum approves of and i really really try but still it isnt enough for her. i could easily forget one thing she tells me and she could ruin my just fine day by yelling at me for the smallest things and calling me ungrateful. Yes, i didnt do what i was supposed to but for christ sake i forgot. for every little thing she yells at me for it and it just... i can't stand sudden loud noises anymore because i have been yelled at so much, every loud thing startles me. I don't say my gratitude, yes but i try to show it because i didn't grow up close to her, not in that way and now i find it hard to express what i really feel and i can't tell her any of this because im scared.

the other day, i said i was nice. that i was a nice person and she said i wasnt. I replied saying I was, just not often at home and she said something along the line of 'because your not nice at home, you aren't nice at all. it starts at home' and that crushed me. did she consider the fact that i wasn't nice at home because nobody is nice to me at home. I constantly feel like i have to defend myself because of the tone that is said to me and when I give out any sort of emotion, she will fight on the fact that we/I have no right to feel mad at her because of her sacrifices.

For FUCKS SAKE i can't express emotion?!!! I can't be mad, or annoyed or tired or lazy for FUCK SAKEEESSS

you interpret completely innocent things as disrespect and we didnt even mean to do it. breathing out heavily, looking away from you. can't i just be tired and breath out?!! or look away because i dont want you to fucking ridicule the way my eye moves so you can interpret it to something you say is disrespectful to you.

i dont say any of this to you because i have it. i hate the yelling and im scare because of it.

another thing i dont want to say to her face is, I didnt ask for this. to be born. I didnt ask to be brought to life and i know, im being selfish or something but really, I didn't. you say things and make it like were such a burden to you but I didnt ask to be born. you wanted me, you raised me. understand that i can't always do everything and yelling only make it worse.

i don't say things to you because i don't feel that we're close enough to be like that bc for years, you focused on my little brother. for years, I felt that he was more your favourite than me and being the child i was, i accepted that. maybe it's me who's at fault for not learning how to open up and i take that. it's my fault.

when I do talk about something, mostly about the things im interested in, i am ignored. im dismissed. im talking too much. if so, I shut up and you take my silence as something else or nothing at all.

fuck i maybe being dramatic, as would seem to others but fuck, i need this out. i need all of it out. even just to a void no one listens to, i need it out.

it's the reason i could be so obsessive. In my head I take these characters and used them as my comfort because where else could i get it. I am sad, alone or lonely in a crowd, starved of affection that i don't know how to process and push away and these characters are all i've got to keep sane.

Mock me for feeling emotion, for crying when your mad at me and you wonder why i'm distant. why i don't tell you things about my life. why i dont answer? because i wasn't asked. because you didnt care before, i cant comprehend how you can now.

I really needed to vent this. I am so sorry for those who read for burdening you with all this but tbf you were warned. I don't care if anybody reads this, I just needed it out. Even if the person this is directed to, doesn't know any of this.

I needed to vent and truthfully, my heart feels a little bit lighter letting it all out. maybe i'll cry again in the shower or before i fall asleep but, i let it out and im kinda proud of myself for that.

[liliumwallichianum]

what a freaking week this has been and it's only wedneday. i wanted to write in my journal about the wisdoms i uncovered today but there's too much that i felt that i should type.

first lets start with dumping

-we dont deserve animals, how they protect and love us unconditionally... so much gratitutde

-god the fucking finale of mmm KILLED me . that moment she looks at the mic on gordon ford is how i feel about my life rn... how i felt at my HB audition (then killed it and landed it might i add), how i feel tuning out the bullshit around me. it brought me to tears

-not to mention..... my heart at all the lenny scenes. the way he talks about her... respects her.... sees her for what she is worth and sees her for all her strengths.... which btw kinda felt annoyed that she blew joel a kiss at the show bc what the fuck did he do besides make her miserable her entire career ..whereas lenny on the other hand... dear sweet lenny.. he did nothing but hype her up. her #1 fan. the only other person besides suz that never doubted her. always saw her worth and made sure she knew it... god that scene at the chinese food restaurant killed me with the fortune cookie. heart eyes on the way he talks about her and talks TO her about her 4L

-speaking about amazing men loving amazing woman. the wisdom that Miss C I A R A dropped on CHD really put things into perspective again. it was kinda my wake up call from the delusion ive been living in since july but also just like put me back on track to my anchoring faith that my mans really is out there and we really are becoming stronger and stronger every day for each other and the life we are going to create together. like it made me reallllllllllly happy knowing that there is gonna be somebody that God is creating for me, and we will be better together than i can even imagine in my tiny human brain. so yeah im just excited.

-also karma is real. and i need to stop lying about why im showing up to work late every day ( even tho it's kinda true ...)

-theme of my 20s is patience because good things come to those who wait but great things come to those that observe gratitude while waiting :))))))

-my momma is my bestie and i gotta stop being mean to her

-my bounce backs from my PMDD sessions are so much better than they used to be and im taking that as a fat dub! women are meant to rest! and make babies! and be creative and intuitive and be little angelic witchy fairies that create magic and keep familys going! ciara kinda proved my point on that pod episode tbh

-a bunch of other wisdom as to why i love god, myself, my life, and the beauty of everything around me that im too tired to explain rn but know deep down in my heart

ok i rest now love u

o one more thing - i feel so disconnected from the people previously in my life lmao and idk if this is all part of my growth or i just havent seen them in a while or something but i litearlly feel stronger and stronger the more i dont see my friends and idk.... not stronger but just more content? feels like im outgrowing everyone or maybe just growing in a diff direction and it's simultaneously sad but exciting because that means new souls should be arriving soon! excited to find the beauty in them :)

[privateairventstowhine]

I thought visiting with my family would help keep my mind off things for awhile but being here is making me think of my ex even more. Everything reminds me. And there are still issues i need to talk about with my roommates and i feel like im just ruminating over here without being able to move things along. For the most part im enjoying spending time with my folks but there are moments and dynamics that trigger me so badly. I dont like the tension although ig thats not so different from home now. Im trying my best to stay zoomed out of my roommate issues and not make the same mistakes as the last time we had issues but god am i getting really angry and bitter. It feels like a worse rendition of exactly how things were last year. Why did i stay. I should hav moved on with them. I dont feel like i can trust myself anymore with how much i regret my decisions. I miss them so much. But i would hav missed my best friend too. I just feel like no matter wat i chose i would hav lost. Im so restless now. I just want to indulge in my escapism. Go have meaningless disappointing sex, eat weed, and play my video games. My freshman year self would be so astonished at how i am now. I feel so pathetic and broken. I learned that my feelings about wanting to fuck/service top my close friends is probably the result of my csa cause thats also wat hypersexuality is. I relate to people through sex and want to feel valuable via sex/servicing people. But then with strangers it’s disappointing and meaningless cause with them it’s just mechanical, im not showing gratitude or trying to experience closeness with them. Sex is performance for strangers but an act of vulnerability and gratitude for close people. I feel like im just floating in and out of my visit with my folks. I dont want to be anywhere. Home is stressful and here is stressful. All i want to do is hangout with my best friend cause he’s the only person that i dont register being tired around or that doesnt take effort to interact with. But im scared of what he’s gunna say when i bring up wat my dad said about rent. Im not afraid of him but im afraid of things getting worse, especially for him. I dont want to make things worse. I cant handle more tension at home.

[wabblebees]

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