#but being so fucking nonbinary
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Im just thinking about that American psycho musical and how much it affected me as a person and changed who i was
Also that face he makes in the movie - i always do it like the ‘ooh’ face (it also feels like a very Canadian Jim Carrey face to make too idk it might just be my connection to it)
#feral-teeth thoughts#american psycho#i watched a bootleg of it online#and holy shit#holy fucking shit#it was so fucking good actually#it inspired me to like#get back into theatre#also currently reading the lines to audition for something called whale riding weather#and it has genuinely changed my life#like#it has reached into my soul and tore out apart of me#and my queerness#and like my butchness but also the masculine parts of being a gay man that i connect to so deeply#but didnt know i was allowed to connect with#being born female#but being so fucking nonbinary#and one part one character kissing his belly#the character i was reading as#and in my mind it like#healed the parts of myself that hated myself#and my size and my belly#i really am craving to be in this role with my whole life and body#and i think i would actually lose it if i dont get to play in this role#so please#pray for me and send good vibes for me to get this role#or maybe that night was enough#me reading the play and acting it out in my head in the dark of my bedroom#playing pretend in the black box theatre in my mind#im scared that my autism and my awkwardness is going to keep me from performing at my best
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she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.
my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.
my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.
my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.
at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.
my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.
i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.
two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.
it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.
#writeblr#wlw#i often think about like.....#being happy in a gay relationship is sometimes so odd#bc u can forget how stupid ppl are.#bc ur so USED to being gay. and u forget other people GENUINELY ARE homophobic#so it's like. girl pardon?????#but also there are moments where it's like. ohhh the kids are alright#like watching someone razz someone else.... so fucking wholesome#“lemme get this bitche's pronouns before i make gentle fun of them” .... i would have KILLED for that.#THAT is how u know ur accepted#not just tolerated#..... when ppl are like. sure ur nonbinary congrats but WHAT is this fucking sunscreen application#ps idk if "razz'' is a real word but someone asked what it means -#i've always heard it as being a term for 'gentle & friendly teasing'' which like#i personally notice more from my guy friends but is like - when a person isn't#LIKE ACTUALLY teasing u (it's nothing personal/mean) they're just laughing w/you about something#my friends often put on a little voice and call me an anemic little bitch#like 'ooooo the anemic little bitch is cold??? does she need a mouse blanket#bc she's SOOOO SMALL AND ANEMIC???''#and it doesn't hurt my feelings (it makes me laugh very hard) bc 1. i actually called MYSELF that first#and 2. i'm not sensitive about it!!!#a proper razz is when you are ALSO in on the joke - i ALSO think it's funny#for some people i personally find that when they razz u it's when they love u -#they've noticed something genuine about u and love u enough that u know they're not being mean#this is cultural and personality based of course but i'm hispanic#if someone isn't making fun of me it means they hate me . obviously.
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I recall saying this before, but it bears repeating:
There could be a billion trans people in the world and it still wouldn't be a bad thing because being trans is not a bad thing. Even if the rate of people discovering they are trans is "disproportionate" to trends from decades ago, that is not a bad thing. In fact, it's a natural consequence for there being more trans people being able to stay alive, and, overall, being able to live in a slightly more tolerant world. You'd only see that as a bad thing if you actively didn't want trans people to either live or live a life that facilitates wellness.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#like even with there being more OPEN AND OUT trans people there are still more cis people by volume#even in my high school with three trans girls and three trans guys (including me) and a few NB people...#...there were still a THOUSAND cis kids going to school with us. imagine complaining when cis people are still 'dominant'#i don't know what my secondary school's population is because it's a big campus so you can deal with high school stats lol#like thank gd we are beginning to live in a world where the trans population CAN grow#i want there to be more trans people. because trans people will continue to be trans#we will continue being trans no matter what laws you put into place. no matter how dangerous you make the world for us...#...we will continue to be trans whether or not you approve. and that's fucking beautiful. i want us to live. i want us to eat well.#i want us to not worry about anything in this world. and that's going to happen one day. it will happen just like the sun rises each morning#if that is a threat to you then that is your own fault - your own self-destructive and sad thoughts about people and our world#and that is not my burden to carry - i have my own.
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i absolutely cannot believe people are trying to start discourse about whether nex benedict was actually nonbinary / whether it was okay for him to describe himself as nonbinary to some people if he didn’t actually identify that way as if he isn’t literally DEAD because he was KILLED. this is a MURDERED CHILD and these monsters are so busy getting mad at the possibility that he might have been a trans boy who described himself as nonbinary to his family because that was easier for them to take that they’re turning a CHILD who was MURDERED into fucking discourse. even when we die at the hands of cis people’s violence, our own community finds a way to make us the villains of the story.
and all of this bullshit on top of the ways that cis people are already trying to say our grief over his death is unjustified. all of this on top of people claiming he wasn’t murdered and speculating on other causes of death (i literally saw someone say he “clearly went home and took the coward’s way out” and i have never been more disgusted) or claiming that he started the fight as if any action on his part could’ve been enough to justify his death. i am haunted by the sound of his father screaming that his child was not filth because that is what people have been saying about this poor kid, that’s how cruelly his memory is being treated, and even the trans community can’t get it’s shit together enough to look past the stupid discourse and see the tragedy in front of us. did you all forget that it was supposed to be up to us to grieve him in the way he deserves when the rest of the world fails to care if people like him live or die? did you all forget that this child was our sibling, the future of our community, a life that we should have had the chance to know and treasure while he was still here but that we now have a responsibility to hold close to our hearts in his absence? nex’s life was precious and it was ended far too soon and if you truly believe that anything is more important than mourning his life and fighting for a world where no more trans people have to meet such an awful fate, you’re a traitor to this community and you do not deserve the place you occupy within it.
i’m so tired. i can’t even imagine how tired his family must be, to see the public treat the child they’re grieving so horribly, to see the world fail their baby again. leave him alone. he was already robbed of peace in life; the least you can do is let him finally have it in death.
#as a trans man whose family still uses they/them and neutral terms for me and would describe me as nonbinary#because that was how i initially came out to them and me being a man is a much bigger hurdle than i have the energy to help them get over#it’s SO deeply disturbing to know that if my life ended in violence#my own community would be more concerned with how my family referred to me in death than with the fact that i was killed#how fucking dare you turn this poor child’s existence into discourse fodder when they aren’t even here to defend themselves#when you only even know who he is in the first place because he was killed#tw transphobic violence#nex benedict#tbh it feels wrong to even add my usual tags to this but i need people to see it so. here we go#transandrophobia#transandromisia#transmisandry#virilmisia#virilphobia#anti transmasculinity#transmascphobia#exorsexism#trans men#transmascs
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#i fucking love being in the lgbtq+ community!!! we're so cool!!!#i love your energy anon#lgbtqtext#lgbtq text#animated text#word art#rainbow#white#trans colors#lgbtq colors#multicolor#lgbtq pride#lgbtq positivity#lgbtqia pride#lgbtqia positivity#lgbtq#lgbtqia#lesbian#gay#bi#pan#trans#nonbinary#ace#queer#queer pride#queer positivity
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I LOVE BEING TRANS!!! I LOVE SEEING THE WORLD IN ITS SPECTRUM OF COLOUR AND BEING FREE TO EXPRESS MYSELF HOWEVER I WANT!!! I LOVE THAT I CAN EXPLORE MASCULINITY AND FEMININITY FREE OF RESTRICTIONS!!!!! I LOVE THAT I'M PART OF SUCH AN ACCEPTING COMMUNITY!!!! I LOVE BEING TRANSGENDER!!!!
#i've been really hating my identity recently so here's some affirmations hope u enjoy#because cis people can fucking suck - even the allies#all my friends at my college are cis and man they make me uncomfortable sometimes even though they don't mean to#but i really do love being trans#i just hate that cis people have tried to make me hate myself for it#but i will not let them#i will not be shamed into hiding myself for their comfort#transgender#nonbinary#transblr#gender stuff#trans stuff#queer#enby#genderqueer
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"This is the gender fuckery and cis+ website"You guys can't even handle trans people who don't want to physically transition
#no because this literally ruined my first best friendship after i grew up friendless my whole life💀she sxually harrased me with bodyshaming#and the worst part is that it wasn't even her saying i'll never be a man i'm bigender and super femme and THAT'S why i want to stay afab#but she refused to understand me!!!she expected my femininity to be the same as a cisgirls and my manhood the same as binary trans dudes'#i explained my gender SO MANY TIMES and she used 'she' 'accidentally' even though her fuckass also called me 'a girl in a he/him kinda way'#she saw my bigenderness and genderfluidity as a fucking joke instead of who i actually am just because i don't want t or surgeries bc gnc#and i told her both those things too but here we are!!BE NORMAL ABOUT TRANS PEOPLES BODIES AND STOP BEING A DICK EVEN IF YOU'RE ALSO TRANS#trans#transgender#transmasc#transmasculine#bigender#genderfluid#trans men#demigirl#ftm#transfem#trans women#nonbinary#agender#demiboy#transneutral#transmascfem#black femme#genderqueer#xenogender#catgender#dragongender#ghostgender#💌#summerposting
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i wish i was a good artist. i would draw merlin so androgynous. in a dress. long hair. mmmmmm. kiss boys. arthur. kiss arthur. sigh
#all i can do is write or post my incomprehensible thoughts on tumblr dot com#and its so much easier to do this than open a google doc#bbc merlin#arthur pendragon#merthur#merlin emrys#ive been plagued by visions of merlin being raised by druids and being his iconic genderfluid self#or nonbinary#whatever#thats none of my business#GOD FUCK i wish i could draw it bc it would take yalls breath away#i can see him now#so pretty#so stunning#so handsome#so cute#i love him#hes my lil guy
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just finished Nimona… DAMN does it feel good to watch such an openly queer movie man
#i haven’t read the graphic novel (though now I plan to!) so these are just my observations from the movie but#nimona is fucking trans & nonbinary man#like so fucking openly. refusing to answer balistair’s small minded questions and simply replying ‘i’m Nimona!’#chef’s kiss. absolutely fucking astounding. the nonbinary/genderqueer experience in a nutshell#you cannot and will not pin me down !#and obviously the major themes of being the odd one out among a whole society of people perceived as ‘normal’. wow that hit close to home!#and if the aggressively queer themes weren’t enough we have ambrosius and balistair too <3 like fuck yeah give us that on screen couple !#overall… enjoyed it so very much#a new comfort movie perhaps…..#oh and don’t think i missed that pride flag in the credits lmaooo absolutely iconic#jay rambles#nimona#nimona spoilers
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Because that one poll isn’t inclusive and OP was being bigoted in replies….
#Batman#batman and robin#Robin#Bruce Wayne#Nightwing#dick grayson#red hood#jason todd#red Robin#Tim drake#alfred pennyworth#dc#dc comics#dc characters#harley quinn#damian wayne#damian al ghul#stephanie brown#oracle#barbara gordon#black bat#bat girl#spoiler#cassandra cain#signal#duke thomas#I don’t care about the results but polls are supposed to be fun and op of the other post was not being fun#straight up the bigotry against nonbinary identities was so fucking nasty and I simply am not playing that game#it wasn’t okay and I have called out a whole poll blog before for making a post rooted in transphobia#so I don’t know why I would do any different in this situation. op shouldn’t have been bigoted about nonbinary identities
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First day of Pride and I just want to shine a light on all the trans people who are unable to transition, especially those who aren’t fresh faced university grads. Those who don’t live in a supportive or even just accepting home or community. Those who aren’t well off, those who aren’t good at or popular enough to crowd fund. Those who can’t afford transitioning. Those who can’t even transition socially or need to stay in the closet for your safety. Those who rely on benefits or unforgiving jobs to just pay the bills. Having to hear day in and day out you’re just GNC, that your pre-transition body is “ugly” and the ways you can express your gender are “cringe.” Every trans person who’s been told they aren’t “trying hard enough”. Those trans people who won’t even get to imagine transitioning for years.
I see you. I love you. You’re so undervalued and under appreciated in a world where being a white, well off 20 year old on HRT and getting surgery is more common to see than people who work full time and just don’t have that privilege. It sucks, so much. But you are loved and you are seen.
Happy Pride Month to trans people who aren’t where they want to be. The world is better with you in it. We all need each other.
#nobody seems to give a fuck about trans people who haven’t ‘started’ (fuck that word btw) before they turn 20 honestly#like we just don’t exist to you#so if no one is going to tell other trans people who are ‘too old’ that they’re loved and important and deserving of support#fuck it I will#all the trans visibility goes to people who meet the right criteria who fit society’s idea of Trans#fuck that. y’all are wonderful and handsome and beautiful#and if you never get to transition YOURE STILL TRANS AND YOU STILL DESERVE JOY#I don’t fuck with queer groups anymore coz they cannot be normal#you ostracise your most vulnerable#because fuck poc poor disabled ‘old’ trans people amirite#iswtg the trans community here is so weird about age too#you’re 30 and still have your legal name and long hair and visible breasts and a high voice? faker obviously. don’t want it hard enough.#THIRTY?!?#yeah get fucked#sorry for being so pissed but seriously#grow up if you think all trans people have their shit sorted by 24 and are living comfortably as themselves#pull your head out of your ass and go TALK to trans people other than your rich circle of teens at your GSA#I’ve not been terribly positive on this positivity post#pride month#transgender#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#every single one of you is braver than any us marine and I FUCKING MEAN THAT#we all stick through this together#trans awareness
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what is with men being mad any time a woman raises her voice where did that even come from. someone posted a video of a small electrical explosion, and the top comment was of course the woman screams. the second comment is women try not to scream challenge, level impossible. i had to go back and watch the video again. there is, somewhat fainty, a little gasp emitted off-camera, more of a yelp than a scream. it is mostly lost in the crack of the explosion. afterwards, you hear her voice, shaken, say, are you okay?
i am helping one of my friends train her voice pitch lower, because she wants to be taken seriously at work. she and i do each other's nails and talk about gender roles; and how - due to our appearance - neither of us have ever been able to be "hysterical" in public. we both appear young and sweet and feminine. she is cisgender, and cannot use her natural voice in her profession because people keep saying she appears to be "vapid". we both try to figure out if our purposeful voice lowering is technically sexist. is it promoting something when you are a victim to it?
a storm almost sends a pole through a car window. in the dashcam, you can hear the woman passenger say her partner's name twice, crying out in alarm. she sounds terrified. in the comments, she is lambasted for her lack of calm. how is that even fucking helping?
in high school, i taught myself to have a lower voice. i had been recorded when i was genuinely (and righteously) upset; and i hated how my voice sounded on the phone speakers when it was played back. i was defending my mom, and my voice cracked with emotion. it meant i was no longer winning the argument: i was just shrieking about it.
girls meet each other after a long summer and let out a little joyful scream. this usually stops around 12-14, because people will not tolerate this display of affection (as it has the effect of being passingly annoying). something about the fact that little girls can't ever even be annoying. we are trained to examine each part of our lives (even joy) for anything that could make us upsetting and disgusting. they act like teenage girls are breaking into houses and shrieking you awake at 3 in the morning. speaking as a public school educator: trust me, it's not that bad, you can just roll your eyes and move on. it does not compare to the ways boys end up being annoying: slurs in graffiti, purposefully mocking your body, following you after you said no. you know, just boy things.
there's another video of a man who is not allowed to yell in the house, so he snaps his fingers when he's excited about soccer. the comments are full of angry men, talking about how their brother is unfairly caged. let him express himself and this is terrible to do to someone. eventually the couple has to address it in a second video: they are married with a newborn baby. he was trying not to wake the infant up. there is no comment on the fact women are not allowed to yell indoors. or the fact that it could have been really alarming or triggering for his wife. sometimes i wonder if straight men even like women, if they even enjoy being in relationships with them.
for the longest time, i hated roller coasters because it always felt inappropriate and uncomfortable for me to scream. one of my friends called me on it, said it was unusual i'm so unwilling. i had to go to my therapist about it. i don't like to scream because i was not raised in a safe situation, and raising my voice would have brought unsafe attention towards me. even when i am supposed to scream, it feels shameful, guilty. i was not treated kindly, so i lack a basic form of self-protection. this is not a natural response. it is not good that in a situation of high adrenaline - i shut up about it.
something very bad is happening, i think. in between all the beauty standards and the stuff i've already discussed - this one feels new and cruel in a way i can't quite express. yes, it's scary and silencing. but there's something about how direct it is - that so many men agree with the sentiment that women should never yell, even in an emergency - it feels different.
is the word shriek gendered automatically? how about shrill or screech? in self defense class, one of the first things they tell you is to yell, as loud and as shrilly as you can. they say it will feel rude. most women will not do this. you need to practice overcoming the social pressure and just scream.
most women do not cry out, even when it's bad. we do not report it. we walk faster. we do not make a scene. what would be the point of doing anything else? no matter what we do, we don't get taken seriously. it is a joke to them. an instagram caption punchline. we have to present ourselves as silent, beautiful, captivating - "valuable."
a woman is outside watching her kids when someone throws a firecracker at them. she screams and runs towards her children. in the comments, grown men flock together in the thousands: god. women are so annoying.
#warm up#writeblr#this one has bothered me for a bit#any time a woman does something even passingly annoying we treat it like a fucking crime#hey man. women are allowed to be annoying. everyone forever is allowed to be passingly annoying#as long as they aren't hurting anyone/thing#like u wanna know something? i find it super annoying that men don't wear seatbelts#why arent there thousands of comments on driving videos thats just like : men try not to die in a car crash challenge#''this briefly annoyed me''. okay??????? AND????????????????? go get ur self a cookie and calm down about it#ur not entitled to control other ppl's experiences and emotions just so u can maintain ur own peace#if being briefly annoyed ruins ur whole day! you! need! therapy!!!!#men try not to become immediately angry about nothing challenge: level impossible#ps author is nonbinary. we didn't even get into the gender presentation thing#the fact men think it's SEXY that my voice is on the lower end....
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I've found the same people who claim a trans person is making being trans their "whole personality" are the same people who quite literally cannot see past a person's transness - in fact, that's the only thing they will see.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#it's funny how that works /s#but like... not going to lie i've probably made being a smash bros. peach main more my personality more than i made being trans it lmao#like does being trans affect a TON of shit in my life? yes. do i talk about it? only here ngl not irl. is it my personality? not really.#being trans is like. my little clay sculpture i throw on a wheel and fuck around with and then i'll walk away for as long as i need to#so if you're worried about ~making trans your personality~ i promise you most likely are not#but even if it's the case that being trans is like your personality who tf should care enough to stop you y'know?
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the ii crew definitely has a tendency to overuse they/them pronouns for characters when talking about them live bcuz they genuinely just forget their pronouns and they're like. whatever they/thems ur object (adam does this A LOT 😭) which is what happens with like microphone or silver spoon or whatever. for goo though i have decided the consistent use of they/them pronouns for him is soo intentional especially when its in the same sentence as he/him. that GOO is agender he/they. gender(fluid) goo
#there's nothing really to say about this i just think goo is nonbinary. and i think that its pretty close to being canon lmao#i love when they just randomly use they/them pronouns for characters tho its so fucking funny i hope they never stop. nb microphone real#assigned nonbinary at animationepic livestream#txt#inanimate insanity
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Never feel more masc then the times I try to look fem
#Crossdressing as a woman is truly the epitome of being a man#I HAVE to be the most confusing person at the grocery store#Voice of boy? but makeup like girl? but boy mannerisms? Girl hair? Boob? lesbianism? Man? Woman? Man? They? It? Maybe#You'll never fucking know. I hope it keeps you up at night#Committing gender fuckary? In my city?. it's more likely than you would think#It's very obvious how boy I am when I try to girl#I love being a weird little guy#I'm that boy thing wearing a dress what's not clicking here#Transmascs im telling you WEAR THAT MAKEUP!!!!!#PUT ON THAT DRESS!!!#only if you want to ofc but there is nothing more euphoric then dressing like a woman and still feeling like a man#but that's the process. A couple years ago wearing nail polish made me sick to my stomach. AND IM AGENDER!!!!#totally just like rambled in the tags mb#transgender#trans masc#transmasc#agender ism#genderqueer#nonbinary#trans man#trans joy#just fishdeath-ing#genderfluid#genderfuck#multigender#xenogender#genderflux#abinary#transneutral#don't know why I'm tagging this so hard but i learned like three new terms so that pretty cool
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am i rlly going to write a death note literary analysis when i could be doing other things
about the discourse going on in the tag abt "death note is acab and thats why the characters couldnt better the world with the note (/written in somewhat jokey matter)" vs "death note is trying to say we all have potential for evil, especially if you get a chance to insta-hurt ppl without repercussions, and it doesnt matter if youre a cop or not", i personally feel like it ignores the things that i like abt death note, which is "both of these things are true", and simultaneously "both of these things do not matter". the first part of this is dedicated to the first point, the latter to the last.
first point. i think its an important part of the message and themes (unintentional or not, and i lean on the former because... come on, can you really say the author intended you to not think of the cops as good people, at least compared to light and l) that light is a cops son, and that almost everyone who gets the death note is cop adjacent/thinks like a cop and is already corrupt/powerful when they get it (mello raised to think hed be just like l, yotsuba group is self explanatory; you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me teru "churchill" mikami, who was hand selected by light out of a bunch of rabid kira supporters, is a normal citizen). i appreciated the cop post bc its rlly important to not gloss over that aspect.
all of this would be an argument for "only someone like them would do something like this, and i am not like them, so im above them and immune to thinking about what id do with it", but... misa is the MOST important outlier in all of this bc her murders are solely selfish in nature and shes not doing any of this for "the greater good"!!! her nature of being an exception and still a very very bad person is really really important...
or it would be if death note gave a shit about her character at all!!! im not talking about her tragic side, im talking about exploring the ramifications of her killing people the way lights murders are (somewhat) explored. that would strengthen the message greatly! but shes dismissed and that weakens it overall. firstly, she's dismissed by the characters when l only sees her as a way to get to kira and basically shelves her the rest of the time. secondly, shes dismissed by the narrative when her character is gradually ground down to a stump and (not to sound perilously close to the bad takes ppl meme about) she never faces repercussions for her actions. every other character using the death note is treated relatively seriously, but misa just dies bc her love is dead. im not saying this isnt a... fitting punishment or that it isnt in character, but it doesnt fit snugly into the theme other people are talking about of "you reap what you sow" at all.
we do have something of an equivalent to misa's grayscale motives. surprise surprise, its light yagami. first is light's characterization in the musical (i will also note that misa never kills anyone in the musical). light's thinking is coplike, yes — he literally starts his first song by talking about "throw[ing] away the key" — but also, oddly enough, could be read as progressive and therefore sympathetic to tumblr ("let the corporations make the regulations / and hold no one accountable when everything gets wrong / let the rich and famous get away with murder / every time a high-priced mouthpiece starts to talk, his client gets to walk"). compare to the anime and manga, where his bigotry and pride and disgust come from a place of lukewarm dissatisfaction and boredom. the musical has much less time to play around with lights character, so it gives the audience something to immediately hook on. more on how that actually plays out later.
in the animanga, none of this is justified from the start. animanga light could say he was just killing people to make humanity way, way worse, and that wouldnt matter, because at the root of it, it was always his boredom that made him pick up the note. of course he actually believes in justice and believes hes doing the right thing (no, he believes he's doing the wrong thing, for the sake of the world... the right thing, because he is god...), but it was boredom at the start. all animanga light says about justice and righteousness and the law is a front in the end, bc he is exactly like l and misa — amoral. selfish. searching for entertainment. hedonistic. we know this. he kills naomi misora*. he kills lind l. turner. everything hes saying deserves to be dismissed from the beginning.
"but doesnt that mean you agree with the discourse post you wrote this post to argue against?" like i said, i agree with both of them! but i... still think its not right to reduce death note to the message of "the power to kill people is bad". because that is not exactly what the story is saying, even though that's literally its whole plot and therefore reaching that conclusion is self explanatory (lmao). let's look at the concept of mu. nothingness. "there's no heaven or hell". The Real Slay The Princess (Death Note Essay) Starts Here.
in light's final moments in the death note manga, while screaming about not wanting to die, he remembers that the first day they met, ryuk told light that "there's no heaven or hell. no matter what they do in life, all people go to the same place. all humans are equal in death". it is retroactively revealed that light knew this the whole time, operated under this knowledge for all the years we watched him — the knowledge that nothing he does is actually bad, that nothing any human does is actually bad, that shinigami are not "evil", that the universe does not care. that no one cares except humans. this oblivion absolutely terrifies him more than anything anyone could ever do to him. its what he thinks of before anything else as he flails there, screaming, dying. one could say everything he does after that day is him trying to escape that fact, or wrest control over it. but it doesnt work.
here are the lyrics of requiem, the musical's final song, sung over the bodies of l and musical light, a light who was at least somewhat good-intentioned at first: "sleep now, here among your choices / then fade away / hear how the world rejoices / shades of gray / gone who was right or wrong / who was weak or strong / nothing left to learn". this is the final message the death note musical and the manga chose to leave us with. there is no judgement. even after all that acknowledged hurt, after all the damage done, there is no judgement.
in the manga and anime alike, the world is just as fucked when light picks up the death note as when he dies. sure, we as readers can guess otherwise logically (and be optimistic, believing the world was never fucked regardless), but that's not what death note wants you to think. it ends with matsuda and another member of the task force noting how the world is worse again even though they killed kira (matsuda is clearly much worse for wear, but still determined), we see the shitty motorcycle band again, it ends with misa and a whole kira cult on a mountain even though kira died a long time ago...
its extremely important that light is never killed by any human or any aspect of the law. he is always killed by ryuk: a chaotic force completely detached from human sensibilities, one that does not care about good and evil. same with l; in the anime, manga, and musical, he is always killed by rems senseless, morally gray love (and you could argue in the kdrama that hes killed by love there too lol). justice is just a set dressing.
this is not just because death note is a tragedy, because good and evil can still matter in a tragedy. the theme of "nothingness" and "good and evil doesnt matter here" is also shown in a situation relatively unrelated to light winning or losing, or being good or bad. and its in fucking lawlight of all things. we all know ls not a good person. we know lights not a good person. this is tip of the iceberg death note knowledge. but the moment they start to interact, none of that starts to matter. textually, their relationship becomes more important than the people theyve killed and hurt. and the thing is? the thing is? THAT WORKS STORY-WISE. THAT'S ENTERTAINING. AND IT'S NEVER TEXTUALLY CALLED OUT IN A LASTING WAY. l and lights relationship, no matter how much i meme it, is genuinely important to the themes and "mu" because it makes it clear that despite all the pretensions, despite everything, this was never about good and evil. and it still works in the story. this is why death note is simultaneously a comedy — isn't the battle of good and evil supposed to matter more? well, fine, i'll keep watching this anyway. that suspension of disbelief comes crashing down the moment l dies, though, and a relationship built on nothingness (the "mu" sort, meaninglessness, not "character development" nothingness, theres plenty of character development) gives way to just nothingness (again, "mu", not light's post-l depression nothingness), forever.
(an aside: there is no one to root for in death note, and the only things to root for are either interesting character relationships, convoluted plots, or complete and total destruction: for everything to end so no more damage is done.)
not to say that death note does not encourage its readers to consider what damage they might do with the death note (obviously.), or that its characters never do. look at matsuda, a much easier heroic figure to latch on to than soichiro because of his unique place in the cast dynamic and because he's willing to consider both sides of the situation and kill light instantly for all he's done. its just that the story's own stance on the subject is... complicated by the existence of shinigami worldviews and by its own insistence that the world cannot change for the better.
also, this is not to say that this is executed well by the death note manga at all. it is a very strong tool, artistically, to establish and then violently remove any emotional connections between characters and make your story only about the exceedingly convoluted lengths characters go to to survive and catch each other so the reader can realize how ultimately pointless all of this is, but like... is that a good story choice if that's all you do? i would say not really. add in a good dollop of misogyny that destroys the second-to-last character who might actually be an interesting contrast to the rest of the cast's dull one-track focus on winning and justice, and youve got yourself a shitty story that... honestly still achieves what it went out to do, just not in a way id ever want to replicate.
anyway, back to the parts death note's actually trying to say. no matter what any human does in their life, no matter how they try to hurt or help the world, they all die in the end. hey, light, they all die in the end. once dead, they can never come back to life. and the seasons turn. and the world rejoices. and you say "goodbye"...
that's all.
no analysis of death notes overarching theme would be complete without nears final monologue, the definitive roast of light, the "you're just a murderer" speech: "what is right from wrong? what is good from evil? nobody can truly distinguish between them. even if there is a god." if we take this as talking about the actual god in the room (ryuk) as well as light, then near admits that humans will never be able to withstand these overwhelming forces and that, using justice and happiness and selfishness, they are just scrabbling to find meaning in things they ultimately have no control over.
but of course, near does not stop there. "[...] even then i'd stop and think for myself. i'd decide for myself whether his teachings are right and wrong." nears alright with not having control over everything, because near can still control nears own actions. these forces can and do exist, but they have no sway over nears own humanity — unlike light, who caved.
one of the creators of death note said they believe its message is "life is short, so everyone should do their best". the first time i learned this, i was like, thats... nice and optimistic, but an awful reading of the story! "life is short, so everyone should be desperate and striving like light yagami", who literally cut off other ppls lives for his own life? what character in death note are we supposed to strive towards when we "do our best"? they all do awful things with their lives! honestly, maybe they shouldnt have tried their best, if this is what their best is!
but with the view of "mu"... it makes a bit more sense. just a little. maybe.
there is no good and evil. there is only what humans think, and no matter what we do, we all die in the end. it is easy to be crushed and terrified by this in the same way light is, but what is more important than justice and righteousness and finding meaning is... doing your best. not being a person that hurts others too much. not letting yourself get swallowed up by an ideal. not going too far. and simultaneously, trusting yourself.
it leaves a few questions, though... was the currently dead l even a little bit right about his blatantly amoral approach, then? was there a point to this pain, and me slogging through this dumbass manga, and all the people that have lost their lives to a selfish teenage cop's son and the whims of everyone chasing after him? was there a point to any of this...?
the manga** never answers this. it stays clinically impartial until the very end. the musical is anything but clinically impartial (and i love it so much for that), and its ryuk that has the last word.
"there's no point at all."
of course theres no point. none of this was ever supposed to happen. that is what matters more than all the hurt and the crimes and the pain.
and that's... actually okay, because it's over now.
yes, death note has many really important themes present in its story, but its viewpoint is nihilism first and foremost. thats why its so fun and easy to play around with all the other messages, because no matter what fun or torment or awful things or righteous justice or absolute nothingness or sentimentality happens in between, there is always an end.
there is always the end.
#*naomi was killed off bc the author thought shed solve the case too quickly. ironic. i dont think it was meant to forward a theme other than#'light evil! oh no!!!' bc it had minimal buildup and absolutely no repercussions. it is just kind of smth that happens#everything in death note is just smth that happens bc. at some point i just have to admit its NOT RLLY WELL WRITTEN#but it says something. it says many things. and i like balancing the two in my head#death note#personal#**>reduces anime ending to a footnote /j#anime ending: light regrets COMING THIS FAR- not his crimes. he sees l as another regret and dies.#another example of the tragic self (and tragic relationship) ultimately being more important than morals#l would be proud of the torment he inflicted on light if he were not fucking dead#i would also bring up the argument that the way every death note character uses the note is so extreme that its hard to compare them#to real people but lets assume that the author was trying to replicate how actual human beings work as much as possible*#you made it deep enough into the tags would you like to hear about near and mello being nonbinary—#'there is an end so why not enjoy the middle? chain yourself to a hot boy eat strawberry shortcake be bisexual and lie'#*either that or they were just explicitly trying to have fun like they said they was doing#light yagami#sure ill tag my boy#'you cant say the curtains are just blue!' well can i say the curtains were shittily made#norrie if you look at this post ever again ill death note you myself
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