#but as ive gone on existing
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The universe is within you, but it is not a part of you
#i have a serious issue of over romanticizing anything and everything#and when reality hits#ive only made myself angry for nothing#i expect people to be more and be better#but i never remember they are only human and they have free will#and like always#they freely disappoint and i am left unsatisfied with things#at one point i acknowledgrd that i wanted things in a bit of an unrealistic manner#but as ive gone on existing#i realize what i want isnt unrealistic#its just unrealistic for me#because only the beautiful and extravagant and extraordinary and luxurious and interesting people get to have such a reality#people like me#we have to take what we are given#and that is very little#i want people who wont disappoint me#but that is too much to ask for#for how can i ask someone to stand being loyal to a fiendish disgusting Unkempt creature#how dare i ask for what i KNOW would make me happy#idk im tired#probably more than ive ever been#and the bed is much father than the floor#i guess i still am an animal then#bleh#ramblings
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david tennant with south london's greatest dirtbag boyband @bearsintreesofficial??? sounds like a place he should be
(also listen to their new song 'hot chocolate' when it comes out on Thursday :])
#ive been gone for so long im so sorry#i keep forgetting to put tiny dt in the coat i usually wear#but yk at least i remembered this blog exists#alec hardy#broadchurch#campbell bain#crowley#david tennant#david tennant in places he shouldn't be#doctor who#good omens#takin' over the asylum#tenth doctor#bears in trees#maybe i should ask my friends to help mod this blog idk
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Do you guys ever think about Rana? How she was only in Minecraft for about a month, and still to this day is remembered fondly in the hearts of many. How one of the very first documented fanarts for the game featured her and (Indev) Steve together. How she is such an integral part of the history of the game, and yet is still seldomly known. How she's been so wiped away by official sources, the only way we still remember her existence is through internet archival and word of mouth. How she was the frog mob in Minecraft many, many years before frogs were truly implemented. That she carried apples and roses with her, back when roses sprouted one by one out of the ground. That you would have to slay her to even know such a thing. There was once a brief point in time where we could play with her character model. She did not move the way she was supposed to, as her animations never properly displayed, but she moved anyway. She had maxed out stats that meant nothing and could not properly equip anything, but that was okay. We loved her anyway. Do you think if Steve could talk, he would tell us about his first friend in green? Of the very short lived adventures they had together in a newly forming world? Do you think he would even remember after all this time, the same way many of us don't? Do you think she remembers the short time we could play together? Do you think she remembers us too?
#minecraft#mineblr#minecraft rana#rana#minecraft indev#i have a lot of thoughts abt Rana and her existence#an abandoned character in an abandoned version#no longer even touched by the person who made her to begin with#a character we once breathed life into gone in an instant#most likely never to be seen again officially#but still to love and be loved in and outside of the game#ive been told tumblr used to go like. crazy for her back in 2018 or so#and i missed that era by a while to say the least#but i'll still continue to love her just as much
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at some point in disability you stop wanting to "get better" and this is just really hard for able bodied people to understand for some reason
#i had an interaction with a doctor which prompted this#theyre almost certainly a quack but they promised they could find a cure for my eds#to be unequivocal no such thing exists eds is genetic and changing that is beyond the current limits of medicine in almost every case#i was there for regular blood testing and when they said this to me my response was pretty unenthusiastic#something like 'thats not really what im here for'#which was clearly completely baffling to the doctor#part of that has to do with the way doctors are really solution oriented but also#i dont really want to be 'cured'#its hard to explain but this is my body now and ive gotten used to it#what matters is my day to day quality of life not a return to 'normal'#in my eyes disability isnt a bad thing its a neutral one#the idea that im okay with being permanently disabled is intolerable to able bodied society#this doctor has a ton of pther red flags id like to separately post about but ive gone on long enough#to the person who sent me the ask about intersectionality bw transgender and disabled identity#i see you it just turns out a lot of research has been needed to answer you#a reply is coming tho#anyway#disability#salt baby talks#chronic illness#ehlers danlos syndrome#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#ableism
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blood inheritance
#sayo yasuda#yasuda sayo#ushiromiya kinzo#kinzo ushiromiya#umineko spoilers#umineko#umineko no naku koro ni#when they cry#wtc#jichanart#the second one cause ive been thinking about yasu's toe scar and what it represents#how her body's been forcibly altered. how the truth of her identity was purposefully hidden from her.#and how it's undeniable evidence of her relation to kinzo#so it's really loaded imagery. unfortunately as an artist it means that i have to draw feet. lol#anyway. having lots of thoughts about them.#fucked up that kinzo got to die basically at peace and in exchange yasu has to live with the worst knowledge of her life#she and the other beatrices really only existed for kinzo's satisfaction huh.#and genji and kumasawa let it happen. really spectacular work here everyone#even when he's dead and gone kinzo still holds power over everyone
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My personal 9/11 of the state of sharks rpf (incl. of fic posts narrativitzation everything etc) is that every time i see anythi f about paternal relationships its almost always macklin when EYE think klim kostin has way more interesting media uotes about his father except most of the meat is in russian articles so you gotta google translate them. Rick being a public figure and his son being a 1oa pick making them more famous than this ex highly ranked prospect that stopped being highly ranked like half a decade ago is my downfall
#preemptive no dunking on either dad on my post btw not that i think this is gonna get eyes but this post isnt about that#mack bay area parenting - ok weve seen it all before weve all lived it before.#klims dads devotion to his nhl hockey career. klim responding with equal devotion and dependence. theyre following each other to the us#metaphorically and literally#klim projected to be the top intntl league talent -> drop to 31oa. -> either hes a steal or a dodged bullet#and baby teams love to dodge that bullet#his dad was his first coach his favorite coach. what does this mean if hes kinda bad and cant shake being undisciplined ever since he came#to play in the us. what does this mean if he has bad gamesense and he needs to come to the sharks to get ice time#ive been waiting for this 17 years hes been waiting 20#he cant cook for himself. his sister books his plane tickets. hes devoted to religion and hockey and people drag him on both counts#and his sister books his plane tickets#you know what macklin has that klim doesnt. JOB SECURITY!!!!!#HES BEEN WAITING FOR THIS 17 YEARS#HIS FATHERS BEEN WAITING 20!!!!#anyways klim is my little blorbo who i hit with hammers in my brain im drawing narrative reach lines that dont exist but smoke rick to shit#extra helping of rpfing on main sorry i was mildly oxygen deprived writing 75% of this post but i got better and then kept going#revealing my hand on main that im actually obsessed with this guy... nobody look at me too hard (scampers away)#anyways not claiming klim is super unique hes just chatty and wears his heart on his sleeve lol. and my ears wlel... they are peeled#anyways who do we think klim is going to try to staple himself to now that granny is gone
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thinking about kingmaker and my beloved sycamore again 😔
#kingmaker shenanigans#my art#my ocs#described in alt text#not to repeat myself again but: *guttural screech of love*#he's one of my favorite character ever and he exist only in my head and computer. i have to manifest him whenever i can.#i want to design his post game outfit once the mourning is done. i think he'll start wearing some blue. everyone's wondering what's gone#wrong with him all of a sudden. probably. ive been wanting to draw some of this for ages lol. his fighting is so vivid in my head i want to#animate it as if its not WAYYY over my current skills but hey yknow
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the new one piece chapter... we are finally learning about the void century and its via a 900yr old children's drawing fossilized in a tree, what could be better
#im so so so normal about it i swear im not thinking about the world described as having ended 3 times or everything shown#im just gonna say on the right its gotta be birka being mined and things change depending on if we think nika was a real person#cus if hes a myth. like doesnt exist for example or perishes due to reasons then joyboys time ends either the beginning or end of 2nd world#i personally enjoy the thought of nika being a god like being that keeps being reborn as either a fruit during the void century#ive gone crazy thinking about who 'they will never meet again' is and why its so important the tense changes to 'surely they will meet'#like its all a fantasy its all a dream whoever has written it is either talking abt it like a legend or a childs dream its so interesting#one piece spoilers#op spoilers#op 1138
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sskk Yuri on Ice AU ⛸️ !!
[ver w/o words/etc under the cut]
#pretend this is all my own little world where irl rules and regulations dont exist#i dont know anything about actual skating#also the ADA type costume is killing me like it just doesnt look RIGHT and ive gone through SO MANY OPTIONS#bsd#bungou stray dogs#sskk#shin soukoku#yuri on ice#atsushi nakajima#akutagawa ryuunosuke#implied bsd spoilers#bsd spoilers#bc of the Ak costume yk just in case#bsd fanart#sskk fanart#shin soukoku fanart#my art#fanart#digital art#key art tag
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...
#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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raven came back and i just absolutely sobbed cause ITS ALL BACK TO THE START BUT HAS CHANGED SO MUCH GAHHH
#Hilda#hilda the series#hilda netflix#hilda season 3#hilda spoilers#hilda s3#hilda season 3 spoilers#just how fast the night changes#…#:’)#this show is my childhood put into a show and has existed for all the years that ive been grappling with saying goodbye to that so now that#it’s gone…
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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only reason to use twitter anymore is to check in on whatever bullshit the woman from liturgy is saying now. my nepo baby train wreck adversary.
#ever since a bunch of idiots who dont know anything about black metal started saying she was 'subverting the genre'#ive hated the music#shes also the heiress to the fortune of a oil baron + has gone full handmaiden of the lord tradcath. give it a year b4 shes spewing the same#virulent racism everyone platformed her for supposedly combating with her mere existence#anyway shes also hilariously chronically online and constantly huffing her own farts lmao#my posts
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Turning this corner & winning against the depresh again 💅
#anhedonia: gone#will to live: exists!#may or may not be related to the really good sandwich i had on friday that ive been thinking of every day since
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My real Christmas present was Athena coming back for this saga anyways ty Jorge
#epic the musical#the ithaca saga#Athena epic#yall dony understand ive been squealing about her for hours i just love her so fucking much#it's about Learning To Be Human like i just love her sm i can't even be coherent about it#it may be called The ODDYSey but like dead ass no one else exist to me right now#sorry i live here now ( i saw as though Warrior Of The Mind wasn't what Grabbed Me from fucking Jump )#shes This Close to being the character i Doodle fucking everywhere like I don't Have favorites bc i identify w oddy and Telemachus Ple n ty#and also Circe could step on me and id thank her#but also Athenas My Favorite i know no favorite but her rn she's beeny girl from jump and like#nah i screamed when she was revealed ots im fucking Gone mam hyper fixation go Brrrr#i keep thinking of shit i wanna add here thats how bad im gone lmao#( and i have so many thoughts about circe and looking at her as A Victim Of Violence and her interactions with Odysseus there are actually#i could make tiktoks at full length#but rn athenas all i think about so rip#i just love her okay i just love her
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Phenix is just endlessly nutting while set on the homescreen
His situation sounds like a curse to me, but he seems to be enjoying himself! But can u imagine living like that....endlessly feeling that much ecstasy nonstop
Does he get the urge to eat (FOOD)? I mean he has to. Hes burning up so much energy
Is sleeping hard for him? Thats the perfect time for ur mind to wander so i feel like hed struggle with quieting his imagination
hed probably have to listen to podcasts to fall asleep or maybe he just nuts so much that eventually he passes the hell out
#night time ritual is him just going to town with various toys until hes out like light#ive gone from scared to curious with this character#i have so many questions about how he exists from day to day#and idk if theyll be answered since hes an A rank#whb phenix#whb#what in hell is bad
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