#but also. the stress. i created for myself. FOR NO VALID REASON

[abba-enthusiast]

I have my Latin Stilübungen exam tomorrow and the pressure I am creating for myself for absolutely no reason? immensus est

[ariel26c]

Ariel I feel bad, I really know everything is in my mind, I know 4D is real, it's the only thing keeping me going right now, but I can't help but get angry at everything that happens in 3D. I don't know if I'm making things difficult for myself. I don't say the life I want, Biel, because I don't want it anymore, I have it now.I find peace when I look at 4D, yes I know the law, but I can't help but feel sad when I see my old appearance, my old name, the old state of the things I fixed. How long will this hell last? If 4d is instant, why doesn't 3d catch up immediately? Why don't I wake up there? I am open to any suggestion, recommendation or method for me. I know I need it because I see everything in my damn mind but I don't know, I'm scared.

Yes, there is 4D, but THEN yes, it creates reality, everything happens there, but now I want to see it with my own eyes. I just ordered food from my favorite restaurant because even this is proof that I am the same person I used to be. I feel bad. I am my new self, I am the person of my dreams, right? I want to be that girl.I don't know if I should stress too much about the fact that I have it, my nerves are so frayed

It’s okay to feel that anger. The way you feel doesn’t manifest, it’s your thoughts and assumptions that do.

Manifestation is always instant. The reason persistence is important is because what you’re currently seeing in the 3D is an old story you’ve created for yourself. You persisted and unconsciously manifested the unfavorable circumstances. If you can persist on the negative then you can certainly persistence on the positive (on what you do want). You also didn’t even realize how long you were persisting on the negative and didn’t think of time. You just persisted and it manifested. Do the same with manifesting your desires.

What’s happening in the 3D is only a reflection of your old story that will soon disappear with your persistence in the new story.

Don’t force yourself to feel happy all the time. Negative emotions are valid and normal. When you feel triggered remind yourself that what you’re currently seeing in the 3D is almost like looking at the past because you no longer identify with the old story.

I understand your anger and frustration if your current circumstances suck but you need to use that anger as your fuel to keep persisting. Remember that failure is not an option in manifestation, if you persist and persist it will manifest because there’s no other option. Time isn’t an important factor so remove your focus from that. Once you truly accept it’s yours what’s happening in the 3D isn’t even going to phase you anymore because you know it’s yours. It will only get easier and easier to persist.

You are the version of yourself that you desire. If you haven’t done so before, I recommend living in your imagination completely. When you wake up imagine waking up as your desired self, imagine eating what your desired self eats, imagine living your life as your desired self and remove the 3D from your focus regardless of what you hear and see. Have fun and don’t worry.

[lovelykhaleesiii]

I have been going back and forth in posting this, but want to have a clean slate and a clear mind going forward.

this fandom if I am being honest (and from experience in many others) has been the most roller coaster ride. it has been wonderful and blossoming, yet also, toxic and disheartening…

my current state right now, I feel as though I have been shunned from the community from all corners. stranded alone, with only a few friends (I could count them on one hand) to talk to and to trust.

I have been incredibly disappointed in this fandom by people I had considered friends, people that I believed to be sincere and kind, but over time showed a very different and ugly side.

I am not going to sugar coat this topic anymore… and be warned, I will call you out if need be, from this point on. I always had hopes that as a community mostly dominated by adults, we would act more like it, but it seems not. then accountability is necessary, because this school yard behaviour is not it.

I work most of the time, I barely even have time for a social life on top of personal things… tumblr is not my priority. but when I log in on here, I do wish and intend for this to be a space where I can relax and enjoy myself, to be creative and write and share my ideas and stories. to interact with people, to bond over characters and stories that I don’t ever get the chance to in real life, because I barely meet people with similar interests.

this is meant to be my safe haven.

recently it has been quite the opposite…

I have been gaslit, bullied & ghosted/neglected. as someone who genuinely struggles to put herself out there, I have made attempts that I am thankful for yet hurt by the experiences. putting myself in discord chats only to leave in the matter of a few days…

I have said this before and I will say it again. If I ever say anything to you directly or indirectly, and it doesn’t sit right with you. I am open to talk privately about it. I am not perfect, in fact far from it. I have flaws as do we all. I can make mistakes, I am human. if the matter can be resolved, amazing, if not: I don’t expect to get along with EVERYONE on this hellsite. the block and unfollow options are there for a reason!!!

regardless, I understand everyone has their own personal lives and issues… believe me, I DO! I am a huge advocate for life > tumblr. you need a break, take the break. you want to go on hiatus, go on hiatus. you do not owe anyone in this fandom shit, as I have reminded myself as of late. In saying that, showing people common courtesy and decency is not by any means a stretch, it should be the bare minimum.

showing support to your fanfic authors/gif makers and creators is valid and ideal.

I have taken multiple breaks because the stress and exhaustion from my work and personal life has been a lot, that I am able to remove myself from a situation, to not allow anyone else to suffer my ordeal. your actions have repercussions, and you will be held accountable.

to wrap it all up, I will continue to write my little, silly stories, I will continue to read fics. However, I have of recent been so turned off by some of the people in this community, that if I’m being honest (which I also strongly advocate for, and believe I owe whoever read this that), I have no energy to interact with people that have crossed me and made me feel less of the person I am at this point in time. my friends who I respect and admire dearly, know who they are, I don’t need to tell them twice.

when I feel comfortable with this fandom, my interactions may change, but for now. I very much enjoy my small number of friends.

thank you to those who read this entire mouthful, I genuinely appreciate the small things and taking the time out of YOUR day to read and listen to little old me, says a lot.

please take care of yourselves, and I hope that we can create a better more wholesome fandom space.

love always, Hel 🤍

[princeblue]

I’m probably gonna get some hate for this but I dont really care because anyone who does that just proves they’re immature and can’t handle an opinion and/or facts. But let’s talk about Alastor ships.

There’s a lot of people who say that Alastor is canonically Aroace, and the fact is that he’s not. He’s canonically asexual, but vizziepop has not mentioned he’s aromantic as well.

Now I want to say this first and foremost, you CAN headcanon alastor as aroace, in fact as an aroace person myself I actively encourage it! It’s great! It’s fun! I understand the need/want to see a part of yourself in a character you enjoy!

But by saying he is something that he is canonically not only will create a negative and harmful space, those who WANT to ship alastor with someone will feel as if they can’t, that they don’t want to get attacked or hated on or made fun of, and that’s not fair to them for multiple reasons.

One being that if he WAS canonically aroace, aroace people can still date, it is quite literally a spectrum orientation, you have those who are willing to be open to dating with time, let’s just call this demiromantic or in the asexual case, demisexual, you have the people who are not at all open to dating, I’ve seen multiple names for this but mostly “loveless” and you also have the people who don’t necessarily want to date someone but love/care about them more than a friend, so you have queer platonic relationships.

These are all incredibly valid people and incredibly valid feelings and incredibly valid ways to date or to not date.

If vizziepop takes the direction, which I truly doubt she will to be honest, or if someone ships alastor with someone. They CAN do this, it’s not taking a canonically gay male character and shipping him with a woman, it’s taking a character who needs time and boundaries to develop a relationship. These are two totally different things.

I’ve seen this thing happen… not exactly consistently but almost enough, where people will see an asexual character and go “oh! They must be aro too!” And that is not valid, a character should be allowed to just be the one without people saying they SHOULD be the other, it’s harmful to the communities and nearly exclusionary to those who struggle with their identities already and trying to find out WHO they are HOW they feel about these things and once again, creates a confusing space for those trying to just enjoy their characters smooching.

So, if you want to write alastor having sex, you can do that, asexual people and their relationship with sex CANNOT be narrowed down to one type of stereotype of “oh, I don’t want to have it” which is VALID!! But it’s not the worldwide universal feeling, if you want to write alastor developing romantic feelings, however they may be, you can do that! If you want to write alastor being sexual and romantic averse. YOU CAN DO THAT.

But you have to do it in a way that is respectful and knowledgeable, state alastor became comfortable enough with his partner to have sexual acts, state that although he may not take a 100% physical role in sex but still wants to please his partner because he knows THEY enjoy sex and they come to an understanding and firm/respected boundaries.

And state that you don’t want to ship him, you don’t want him taking a role in sex, but just don’t be cruel about it; don’t attack people; don’t say he’s something he isn’t. Just say this is how you see him and respect others who don’t see him like that, I promise you they will understand that and respect it too.

I’m probably honestly wasting my time saying all of this considering it’s a character from an animated tv show, but it really bothers me when I see these people arguing when it does absolutely no good and all it does is stress you out and potentially ruin a thing you really enjoy.

[eatmangoesnekkid]

I have zero stress in my life, with exception that sometimes I do too much to pump up my skinny arms at the gym. This is not hubris or fantasy. I have a lover who honors that I only do what I love, not one day a week, but all days. But this is not about my lover because true love never begins or ends with a lover. This is about my devotion to love.  I feel that  we get too caught up in the acquisition of love, being chosen by someone and looking for what we can get in return, rather than doing the work to simply embody love as principle, evolving into the kind of person who is actually capable of loving another human soul well, first beginning with ourselves (our cells). Love also includes how we love animals and nature. It's all divine energy accumulating in our cells. I studied love. I studied love as a creative outlet. I studied strangers and couples of all sexualities and ethnicities whom energies resonated as loving. I would study their interactions and banter and fall in love with what I saw. I read simple books on love like Thich Nnat Hahn's "Teachings on Love" over and over again at least 30 times. I listened to songs that only felt like love. I discovered ways to unlock the tension around my heart/breasts and pelvis so that my body could release the archaic contractions and open up wide. I would bathe like love. As a result, it was only a natural next step that I would became a passionate lover. A passionate lover instinctively attracts more truthful love. When we have love, we have creative energy in our lives that we can utilize to help us to create heaven on earth. With more love energy embodied, life will start to feel really good for no reason at all. My way of loving and being in union was re-calibrated from the violent template I saw modeled in my home and community after a terrible breakup, breakdown, and breakthrough into one where loving is habit and self-love is principle. I am consistently spoiled with beautiful things, awakened to the presence of beauty in everyday life most days. I am encouraged to care for myself and do nothing at all, anytime, any day, at any hour. My body is nourished and easily orgasmic to the breeze of a gentle inhale.  It is no longer through the spirit of struggle, lack, tension, hustle, and deadlines, but from living the intimate, sensuous, tantric, magnetic arts that I birth a series of bestseller books that will burst hearts into mystical, sensuous, transformative, dewy pieces. I started to visualize a slow regenerative way of life 15 years ago, one that would include travels, naps, and time and space to cook homemade food without rushing, a real life where I adored being offline with ease far more than online. I would talk to nature and ask for guidance and just allow my body to hold a little more of the vision every day as if I was pregnant. I was! I also asked the holy spirit of love to utilize me; to utilize my mind and heightened intuition; to utilize this pelvis, hips, feet, cylindrical breasts, and heart and enhance my flow of energy; to utilize my tongue and warm mouth to sing beauty and write from loveliness; and even these hair follicles to amplify expanded possibilities for us all. Our mission is only valid when it includes evolving and expanding the light, universe energy, and possibilities within other people.  I stopped needing to possess this body; I know I cannot be contained by it. I can only serve as a conduit and create some deliciousness from its amplified attributes (as a result) of being utilized by Source energy. Most days my body is more a conduit of divine energy than something that I need to claim full ownership over.  We become conduits. This is how God uses us and how we help one another evolve and heal. Even our open-hearted nude bodies can be greatly healing for others. Life loves to fan the flames of our sweltering visions, warmest beliefs, swollen perceptions, and deepest desire frequencies. When you begin to own your mind and what's living in it, you shake loose your potencies. Your potencies are your divine energy. When you access the divine energy of love, your body gets softer. You now feel like love. The pitch/tone of your voice shifts; you now speak like love. You gait ascends; You now walk like love. Your scent evolves; you now smell like love. Your taste buds elevate; you now eat like love. Your relationship to your body, spine, and breathing transforms; you now fuck like love. You are love. Love has always been a noun, you see.

India Ame’ye, Author, Pictured

[girltalkcollectives]

Sunday Secrets (11/2/24)

Sunday Secrets: Submission 1:

i have a problem. i've been dating this girl for eight months. she's been a really amazing girlfriend, we dont fight, shes lovely and she made me so happy.

but now, with school starting and the fact that we go to different schools (plus, she has a lot of after-school activities so its hard to plan hangouts), i dont know if i want to be with her anymore. shes a really beautiful, sweet person, and i really did love her. but i dont think our relationship is going anywhere, and ive never broken up with someone before.

i find myself dreading hanging out with her. i feel like we dont click like we used to, and im worried that she doesnt feel the same and ill break her heart ending our relationship.

what should i do? how do i end it, while saying its ENTIRELY a me problem (cheesy, whatever), and that shes made me really happy but i dont think we should keep dating?

i really genuinely like her platonically, and i think she deserves someone who can be there for her better than i can. i dont think im a good fit for her anymore, and i feel like its not good for either of us to be in this relationship when im not in the right mindset for it. shes also not an easy person to plan dates for, and she doesnt like a lot of the same food as i do, and isnt that willing to try it.

school is also killing me, and im in a fairly bad place mentally, and i just dont think i can be there for her the way she needs.

what do i do?

Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable with us about your situation. We can tell how much you care about your girlfriend and how much thought you’ve put into this decision. It’s refreshing to see someone being so considerate about ending a relationship, rather than just ghosting or creating drama.

First, we want to validate your feelings here. It’s completely normal for relationships to change as life circumstances shift, and it doesn’t make you a bad person for recognizing when something isn’t working anymore. School stress, different schedules, and growing apart are all valid reasons to reevaluate a relationship.

Our Advice to You:

The fact that you’re dreading hangouts is actually a really important sign to pay attention to. When you’re in the right relationship, even if things are hard, you should generally look forward to seeing that person.

You mentioned this is your first breakup, which can make it extra scary. But from what you’ve written, you seem to have a really mature perspective on why this needs to happen.

The timing might never feel “perfect,” but being honest sooner rather than later is usually kinder than letting things drag on when your heart isn’t in it anymore.

As for the how — we suggest keeping it simple and honest. Maybe try something like: “I need to be honest with you. You’re an amazing person, and these past eight months have meant a lot to me. But with school and our different schedules, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I don’t feel I can be the partner you deserve right now. This isn’t about anything you’ve done wrong — you’ve been wonderful. I just need to focus on my mental health and school, and I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to continue when I can’t give 100% to this relationship.”

Some tips for the conversation:

Choose a private place to talk

Pick a time when neither of you has to rush off somewhere

Be prepared for emotions (both hers and yours)

Avoid phrases like “let’s be friends” in the moment (even if you want that eventually, give it time)

Stand firm in your decision — going back and forth will only make it harder

To our Girl Talk Collectives community: Have any of you had to end a relationship with someone you still care about? How did you handle it? Drop your advice in the comments below!

*You can always reach out to us through our DMs. We check them regularly and are here to support you.

Much Love,

Sarah+Maya

[soliloquent-stark]

Let's Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks

🌿🍉🎉

hi, dear. ✨

🌿how does creating make you feel?

with fics it usually goes like:

excited -> focused -> peaceful -> stressed -> sad -> excited again -> focused -> accomplished -> joyful

stuff like gif-making is usually heaps of fun, and the excitement when i find a good parallel and nail a transition is immeasurable 😅

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

i haven't necessarily dug that deep into specific details of my trauma but several fics do have bits and pieces based on my life, both the good (🦔🐳) and the bad (🍯🥃). but you can just assume that if i talk about tony's parental issues, anxious attachment, avoidance techniques, coping mechanisms, proneness to addiction, obsessive loving, self-sabotaging tendencies, adhd traits etc. that i often use him to speak my own truth because, well, i did imprint on him for a reason. sorry this got heavy on main 👍🏻

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!)

often! i am so hard on myself as @whinysteve can confirm and it takes a lot to create, let alone to complete a fic, these days. so when i manage to finish something, i definitely do celebrate, usually by having some good dinner and/or a snack. i don't remember an exact moment right now, but knowing k, i feel like she's given me random gifts in the past to celebrate posting a fic, ahah. i also text fandom friends about it, and i have some very supportive people in my corner. ❤️ oh, and i of course make whiny read/beta my fic the second it's done, so i can then have a real life-conversation about it and allow my brain to close that tab. i think that's a rare privilege to have (your own live-in number one fan) and i am very grateful. it's lovely and, all in all, i probably spend 90% of my time sad and feeling like i can't write one sentence, and the rest being proud of myself (especially when i reread my own fic months later and realise it was great all along, or when i get nice comments). 🥹

[biiedwin8]

Maladaptive Daydreaming: Why is it that some people are Enjoying their Daydreaming Experiences?

Today, I'll be explaining to you why it is that sometimes you see people enjoying their daydreaming, while for you, you are struggling with it. This normally happens when you join online forums like Credit for Mar Dreamers and then hear people sharing cool stories, or even if you're in fanfiction forums and then people talk about their paracosms and how they are having these cool scenes in the imaginary ones they're enjoying it. It's something that, in fact, some people say everyone should do. And then there you are, struggling. You feel sad, you feel angry, you feel like you can't stop it. You want to stop it, and then there are other people who are enjoying it. So, why is it that some people are enjoying it and then you're struggling? Actually, there are just three instances.

The first instance is that the people who are enjoying it actually, most of the time, are in the early stages of this daydreaming journey. Because if you can also take yourself back to the early stages of your daydreaming journey, you used to enjoy it. You used to do it massively. You could do it for two hours, three hours today, the next day. You'd sky it after a week. You'd build stories, you'd create good storylines, you'd have this ongoing series in your head, you'd go back to it anytime you want.

So, of course, in the early stages, it can really be enjoyable. It's the same thing as even when you are an active drinker of alcohol. When you're starting the journey, it's really enjoyable because it's very pleasurable. You can control it, you can do it whenever you want to, or sometimes you don't have to do it, like it's because you have that choice to do it. But as you keep doing it and as you keep avoiding life, as you keep engaging in this pleasurable activity and you keep avoiding real life, what happens? It gets to the point where the things you've avoided in real life now become a burden to you or become a problem. And then now you start having these feelings of sadness and dist.

The second instance is denial. Actually, don't believe so much of the stories people write online. Don't believe so much in stories about celebrities or about ad. Don't really focus so much on what people write. Even me, I can share how my week has been online and say like, "My week has been awesome, my life is perfect," and everything. But that's just what I want you to see. And most of the time, what I want people to see is just for me hiding from what's really inside me. I might be feeling stressed on a deeper level, but now because it's so easy to share on the online platform, that so that I can really have this temporary feeling of feeling good about myself because I get the likes, I get the validation, I get the admiration. So because you are getting those things from other people online, you really just want to share good stories without telling the truth of the suffering you are going through. So it's just about this denial and just this providing yourself with this temporary illusion that you are doing okay.

Because actually, the most common default in terms of our human interactions is mostly "I'm good" or "I'm okay." Someone might ask you something like, "Hey, so let's continue." So, that default response of "I'm okay" is, we love lying to people about how we are feeling because we've been really conditioned to say that way. But on a deeper level, that emotional distress you are going through or you are suffering from, that is where you need to focus on. Because the emotional distress you are feeling or you are suffering from is an individual thing. If I'm sad, I'm sad. We cannot be sad as a community. No, I can just be sad by myself. So people will always want to portray the good side or the best side because they don't want to portray that other side because they don't want to be judged and all those other reasons. Yeah, so that's the second reason.

The last reason is actually they might really be enjoying their reading and they are really enjoying the reading because they're not using it as an escape. And that's the place where you can be as well. That's the place where you can be when you focus on improving the quality of your life. You can just do daydream without using it as an escape. You can just daydream and at the same same time you are doing the necessary things in real life. Let's say taking responsibility, taking care of yourself, working on your emotions, working on your unhealed wounds, working on your toxic patterns or all those things in your life which need to be improved. If you really work on that, you will be enjoying your daydreaming without it being a problem. It's the same way like some other people are addicted to alcohol and some people just enjoy it just for enjoyment. They don't really use it as a means to an end or as an escape from real life. So those are the three instances and the best place to be for you is the place where yes, you can enjoy it and you can also not enjoy it. Like you have a choice. It's not controlling your life, you're controlling it. And that's how you get to overcome this addictive behavior. Also, another thing is don't bother so much about what other people say about it, like the experts, like those good storytellers or those good story tellers in dreaming, those good fanfiction writers. Don't worry so much about them. The only focus you need to fully channel your energy into is how you are feeling.

That's a very, very simple thing to do and it's also the most challenging thing to do because the mind will not let you. It will just keep you focused on other people's enjoyment so that it can make you suffer more. But if you could just look at your suffering and just acknowledge it that it's a problem, then from there, start focusing on working on it, not other people. Other people may say a million things about their experiences but it doesn't matter. What matters is how you are feeling on a deeper level.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with overcoming and managing your maladaptive daydreaming without spending years in therapy, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

[eldritch-queern-magicat]

For very valid reasons, I'm not trusted by most of the system. I've been cut off from most connections I'd created since the end of 2022. Ash continued reporting to me, at least the basic day to day things. But things began to change and he reported less and less over last year. Eventually, he quit altogether, and I had no idea what everyone was up to. I had no idea Pandemonum was beginning to heal, or that they'd all investigated enough to process our early childhood. I was not aware of the drone being used for more than personal entertainment.

During his coup, Ash had to get me onboard to hold on to Joshua's power within us. It wasn't that I didn't see why he was doing it, since the hypocrisy was pretty obvious. But there had to be rules, or things would fall apart on us. So we made a contract with conditions that had to be met, otherwise I would take direct control.

It turns out that he pushed the bounds of our agreement and gave me both the bare minimum of what would satisfy me, as well as the most regarding the healing process that wouldn't cause me to step in. Like that Pandemonum was cooperating at all and out in the open in a layer that existed in the shadow of the main layer. Or that it and other parts were using the drone to compile their splintered and disorganized memories. And in all fairness, Ash did know I was against such a thing with our memories because of our instability. But as it happens, others coming out of the first few rounds of fusions had their own ideas because of prior healing. I do, at least, remember collectively realizing we're a trans man, but not much past that.

I shot down so many ideas because of my own insecurities and fears. No beating around the bush. Can't blame Ash for slowly giving me less and less of actually useful details. He turned out like he did partially because of me and how I did things. I was busy keeping everything separate, with special attention to exact words. I'm more than likely responsible for a lot of the posts that never got published.

Admittedly, this is uncomfortable for me. I'm used to working in the shadows, the background. I don't like being front and center. Perhaps that's the trauma. But the others are holding me to this now that awareness has spread that I've been found. I'm already being connected to the drone, anyway. Not really much choice at this point. No point in protesting, and I don't have any right to be angry about it. I've been far more forceful to them in the past, and very hurtful.

No, I'm really not angry at all. If anything, I'm just sad. I'm rambling now, but the fact that things reached the point they did. And all I was doing was slapping bandaids over everything, as if that would be enough on its own.

Yes, the pandemic was big enough to shut me down for a while. It's how the others were able to connect the few dots they did in the beginning. That was not at all in the plan, but now I do realize that my plan was inherently flawed.

My plan is what led to our periodic crashing at critical moments because we were patched together with essentially nothing more than tape. My plan meant suppressing things if they became inconvenient for whatever reason, then ignoring them. Mainly emotions. But it meant that tension built up constantly, and I became a pressure cooker of stress and anxiety. And when something happened, I went boom. I was absolutely neurotic, and of course I hurt more than just myself.

Now, they have more control in the system than me. The drone also represents them pooling their power as individual parts and sharing in it equally. It's for a lot of reasons, but perhaps most importantly for that sense of equality and feeling seen. The power it gives them is more of a bonus than a conscious goal.

Frankly, I should be quite proud of them. They absolutely did a lot better with things than I'd expected they would. I'm one who was afraid we weren't strong enough to handle the truth. My only goal was preservation and survival. What we wanted didn't matter at all. I've never been good at the stuff we want.

I guess if others with serious issues can recover, so can I. It just seems so...I don't know. Awkward. Rhodes insists we'll get there. Healing should feel good, even if it sometimes still hurts.

I'm thinking of calling myself Seer instead of Overseer, I really don't know. I guess it depends on how my role changes as I heal.

-Magicat Overseer ☎️😺

[bigskydreaming]

Welcome to Kalen Tries a Life Hack/Brain Hack, brought to you by....well, me.

So certain obvious things are obvious: I’ve been struggling for awhile, the whole being off my meds thing for months cuz of the Adderall shortage hit me HARD, and the number one thing I need to actually build and move forward and get out of eternal debt and accomplishing actual goals is a degree of stability.

I’m eternally grateful for every donation people have given me over the years and its literally kept me alive and off the streets at times. But ebegging sucks, nobody likes doing it, and its not sustainable.

Thing is, I’ve been talking about getting a steady patreon up and running forever but like, there’s always a reason why it doesn’t happen. Part of that is because of the basic nature of how things compound when you lack resources and have issues to address on multiple fronts. New problems demanding my time and attention constantly pop up while adding to stress and affecting my overall mental state and productivity. Part of that is the fact that I am my own worst enemy when in states of high stress, low meds, and minimal resources. 

I get caught in loops where I convince myself that the only way forward or to validate the help I’ve been given or asked is via some big grand production that of course never materializes because haha if I were in a state where I could reliably create the product I want on the timetable I need, most of my problems would take care of themselves. But also I have a tendency to try and pull a former life hack I used to rely on, the whole ‘when my executive dysfunction is particularly bad, use pressure and deadlines to try and force myself to produce’ which y’know....may have worked at previous points in my life but I was in very different places then and bottom line, it just flat out doesn’t work for me now, so it just ends up as overpromising and flaking out with no actual gains to show for it.

So I’m trying a different approach. I’m just putting it out there, this is what it is, and I’m starting small in complete opposition to my usual (and not working) attempts. I’ve opened up a discord for my fics and original projects and am listing the tiers of my patreon below. I’m following this up with complete rundowns of everything I have SOMETHING for, to some degree or another:

1) Teen Wolf fanfics

2) Original fantasy works 

3) Dick Grayson fanfics

4) Original sci-fi works

5) X-Men fanfics

6) Original superhero works (my original superhero universe, the Ellis Eighteen ‘verse) 

I’ll tackle the Teen Wolf stuff following this post, and then try and do the rest one day at a time. That’s the gist of the life hack: just going with the philosophy something is better than nothing. None of these do me any good just sitting on my computer and I’m flat out, literally just never going to reach a stable enough place where I AM just able to complete and release any of them in their complete form, the way I’d like, if I keep overshooting without ending any further along.

So I’m just gonna try building it one day at a time, growing it with the support of people who are interested enough in what there is now to want to see more and help me get more out there, until bit by bit I eventually reach actual completion on some of them.

Any and all of these can be followed up on in my discord server should any catch your eye enough to want to try just a trial’s month - with this next month being much the same for me, as I see how viable this is and how well I’m sticking to it, versus what changes I can make to make it more effective.

My blog isn’t going anywhere, the server is just entirely for fic and original projects and all things related to them, but my usual inanity will persist, I do want to try to get back to writing meta and stuff and being more active in my fandoms, hopefully once I get back on my meds and get a little more grounded.

My existing patterns of posting and interaction aren’t contingent on people donating or joining my discord - I don’t intend for much to change here. And I’m not saying like ‘from now on I’m only posting my writing to my discord’ or anything like that. Its literally just for people who want to help support me while I add to my existing content, are fine with or interested in more of my content even in incomplete stages, are interested in commissioning ‘writing time’ on specific projects of their choice while I do my writing directly in the server....and once I do have a new complete chapter of a fic or complete one-shot, etc....that’ll still get posted for anyone to read. Same as how I still intend to publish or self-publish original projects once they reach completion. 

Its like I said: I just can’t deliver completion in a timely, reliable fashion the way I want, as is, and I can’t make guarantees on when complete projects will materialize without it just ending up more empty promises. THIS I at least can deliver on, and use it to build to something bigger and more complete. *Shrugs* I’d rather get something out there than just continually shifting goalposts about when something will be out here.

SO!

All that said, below are the tiers I’m going with. I literally don’t even have the patreon itself made yet because a) I’ve used ‘I still have to make that’ as an excuse not to do this too many times so I literally just said fuck it and opened up a new post and started typing this instead, lol and b) Patreon does only pay out monthly and not going to lie, could really use donations in the meanwhile as I’m trying to get a new prescription appointment ($180 now thanks to my psychiatrist raising their rates, yay) for different ADHD meds since Adderall still isn’t reliably in stock and they won’t switch my prescription over to something I haven’t tried out yet without a new appointment (and those meds will likely be in the $50-$90 range). 

SO I literally am just posting this now, with my paypal and ko-fi links, but the discord itself is already up if anyone wants to just donate directly and ask for a direct discord link/invite and then I’ll add the link to the actual patreon as soon as its up, but also, if you go the donation route you can try this out and see if its worth it to you this month before actually signing up for the patreon or trying a different tier.

TIERS

1) $1 tier: No rewards offered, I've seen this done by other people who have regular platforms they create content on and don't charge anything so its like a completely opt-in "hey if you just like my blog and content in general, would like to see me be able to make a go of being a creator and support that in general because you think I come up with interesting stuff, this is super helpful and appreciated" thing. I know a lot of people don’t think $1 makes a difference, but literally just $1.39 buys a thing of pasta that can feed me for two days if need be, and a couple more bucks from someone else gets some sauce, lol. Trust me, if you’re ever like “I’d like to support him but only have an extra buck or two and don’t know if that would make a difference” - it does, and is still super appreciated!

2) $5 tier: As stated, I’ve set up a discord where anyone can start threads for literally any of my fanworks, Teen Wolf, Dick Grayson, and X-Men, and ask what I have available as is on that particular project, pick my brain about it, engage me on it in the hopes it leads to me dedicating my next writing session to it if I’m not already planning to write something else in specific, etc. This tier gives people access to it, so they can see the stuff I don't have published or released because its not finished yet, or I’ve written parts non-linearly, and there’s a specific scene they were hoping to see in the fic later on and wondered if that’s written yet, etc. Plus this is where I’ll do all my fanfic writing sessions when I am actively working on a new chapter or something, because I LIKE to write in real-time on things like discord (I used to write fic in a messenger app with Moukie. I didn’t even need them reading it or responding, just knowing someone was 'there' made it easier for me to write, just makes it easier to shut up and write or get the words to come). 

So I figure might as well try and make it a two-fer: for five bucks people can get access to stuff that might not be finished yet (or even ever) but still could be interesting or enjoyable to them, but also can read along as I work on stuff that I'm actively trying to update, even if I still end up with more to go in that chapter or fic and thus its not ready to update yet by the end of a writing session

3) $10 tier: Exact same thing as the $5 tier, which is also included with this one, but this one also gives access to the separate forum I’ve opened up for my various original projects I'm working on or at least started/got a sizable dent into even if they ended up discarded (at least for now). Again, this one is primarily for people who want to support me in general, free up time from constantly stressing about being able to afford food and meds and wasting so much time looking for more freelance opportunities or work - which basically doubles the amount of time I spend ‘working’ every day without anything to show for most of it. This allows for more writing time in general, but at least comes with something to show for it, and like, I figure anyone who genuinely thinks 'hey I think this guy can write/would buy his book' could find something to interest them in here, especially since it also includes the same 'read-along' option for my literal WIPs when I’m doing a writing session on one of them.

4) $15 tier: Both previous tiers are included, but with this tier people also get the option of picking a story from any of the fandom or original projects I have up on my server, and making it the focus of one of my writing sessions that month. They can do it either as a prompt "hey would like if you dedicated one of your writing sessions to working on this particular project this month, whenever that happens to be" or if they want, they can try and coordinate a time for that writing session, as in I’d go "these are the hours I typically do my writing these days, pick when you'd like to see me work on this story," either cuz they'd like to read along, or its earlier in the month, or like, they have that day off and thus its a good day for re-reading that project or maybe getting an update on it, etc. 

Typically, my writing sessions tend to be at least an hour, anywhere up to around six hours, so this tier guarantees that at least one hour of writing time that month would be focused on a particular project. But as much as I hop around between projects in general, I don't switch between projects in the same single writing session, so practically speaking, it would likely be more than just a single hour, and could even result in an entire chapter update on chaptered works. I just know I can guarantee the hour, whereas I can’t guarantee 'oh this will for sure be a five hour writing session' and thus I went somewhat higher than like, a wage for an hour's work, but not like, super high? As I figure its more likely to land somewhere in the middle, length of time-wise. But also, depending on how this actually goes this first month, I might end up adjusting my approach to this tier or the price level, etc.

5) $25 tier: This one includes all the same access and rewards provided by the lesser tiers as well, but with the additional reward that in addition to getting to set the agenda for one writing session that month, you get to also set that same project or a different one as a 'boosted priority' for the month. What this means is - in the interests of maximizing the gains of having people thwart my indecisiveness over what to work on, lol - whatever you pick here will go on a shortlist of projects that are my go-to's for the month, any time I have a writing session I don't already have a prompt for, or a personal desire to focus on a certain project. 

Basically, its a way of creating my short list of 'To Turn To In Case of Indecisiveness' any time I am being stalled by indecisiveness, rather than other external issues, and any 'prompted' writing sessions are already scheduled or used up. So this one comes with caveats....I want to make it clear that 'how much' people get out of this one is NOT something i can guarantee, as it'll depend on how many writing sessions I can squeeze in that month overall, whether or not I have a particular project that's on the brain enough that I'm going to it regularly, just based on my own choice/momentum, stuff like that. 

But the plus side of this one is if the $15 tier is of interest to people, and its worth it to get to be able to ask for several hours' worth of productivity/output on a particular story of mine.....this tier potentially replicates that same thing multiple times throughout a month and can lead to a lot of progress on a certain single story. So potentially, way more bang for your buck. It is more of a crapshoot, but worst case scenario, you're still likely to get at least two writing sessions geared towards a story you're interested in, for less than double the cost of your patronage of one writing session...but best case scenario, in a month where I don't have a ton of other pressing projects demanding my attention, this could keep me engaged with your project of choice regularly throughout the month, with the increased output to show for it. 

Either way, people are still likely to end up with way more output of their choice/liking due to this than they ever would have if I were just sitting in front of my computer playing 'how much time can I waste doing nothing productive while claiming its just cuz I need to Make The Right Choice of what project to be productive on.'

All that said:

I'm focusing just on time rather than length/word count at the moment just because mentally its a lot easier/less stressful for me to think 'oh I know for sure I can make sure they receive the time I guaranteed I'd focus/devote to this in exchange for their patronage' because its a lot easier for me to just show up and start writing than it is for me to look at a set length of fic I need to complete within a certain timeframe - as the latter is a lot more likely to suck me into one of my weird spirals where completion becomes the enemy of productivity.

Anyway.

I think that’s everything, thank you as always for hearing me out and your consideration even if you don’t end up giving this a whirl. No expectations here, I have no idea how well or not it might work out, but its something new to try because previous approaches just aren’t working but I’m not throwing in the towel, just.....reconfiguring for a new run at achieving some long-term stability and productivity. This at least is a lot more geared towards navigating around my particular issues with my ADHD and executive dysfunction and finding a way to hack them even when I’m not on meds. So, let this experiment begin I guess? LOL. The end.

My links:

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US

https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

And again, if you want to go ahead and give one of these tiers a try via a donation, you can hit me up directly for a discord invite, or if you prefer more anonymity/distance, you can just wait for the patreon with a more automated/streamlined process. You can also upgrade to a different tier later of course, and let me know if you have specific questions.

Thank you again!

[lindszeppelin]

Omg Omg Omg. First off, loving all of the anons popping off today. I’ve been sleuthing for a few weeks (more on that below) and was already a fan but today feels like justice.

Second, I especially loved hearing about that tweet about an actress losing roles to Kaia Gerber. Not bc it’s a good thing bc it’s too real!! I’m also in the industry and am likely not up for her roles (slightly different demos but not by much) so I can’t commiserate too personally but I have tea anyway bc boy do I know people who have had the misfortune of dealing with her in one way or another.

-The reason not a ton of tweets like the one mentioned exist is because people who work in the industry have to unplug. Going on Reddit or something to read about show business gossip is not the relaxing time it is for those not in the industry, ya know? And the last thing you wanna see online is some untalented offspring eating at Nobu or shopping in Beverly Hills while having access to roles and directors and more while we go unnoticed in our acting classes and- if we’re lucky- bit parts on shows or landing that tampon commercial 😖. Social media users also cling to their favorites with rabid fever, so why risk getting our experiences gaslit bc some fan thinks we’re “haters” or strangers who lie on the internet. Also, some stuff is too specific to a project and it’s unsafe to spill tea ( either bc it’s too identifying and we can’t burn bridges or bc of contracts stipulations-sometimes you can’t say ANYTHING about a project until it comes out and even posting anonymously isn’t necessarily safe.) That said, with the strikes I think more of us are bored and online more and- speaking for myself- am looovvvving finding content like your blog and some other sources bc it’s validating to see not everyone thinks Kaia Gerber is a great actress all because her mom is famous or whatever. Like we in the industry have issues with her, but when she keeps getting cast in things it messes with our sense of reality ya know?

- I know writers who are FURIOUS at their words being spoken by these nepo “actors.” Writers rarely have power with castings (unless maybe they wrote a movie that they are directing or created the show and are the head writer. And even then there’s sometimes other political stuff at play…it sucks) so it’s heartbreaking to actors when parts go to people who can’t even act like humans. Look, I’m not saying American Horror Story is amazing and hasn’t gone downhill, but it started fine until they kept doing stunt casting and jumping ship! (Again, writers only have so much power. They take the jobs they land, but the show runner decides where the plots and themes of a season are coming from. Meaning many talented writers write for bad projects bc they a) have to take a job and b) can only do so much depending on what’s outlined for the season- if that makes sense.) Hollywood is brutal but seeing some famous spawn phone in the work and bastardize their words and plots is just the sour cherry on top. Every writer I know HATES, nay RESENTS Kaia Gerber the most out of alllllll the little nepo babies bc of how truly awful she is. If they ever get to rise up in the ranks and get more power (like becoming a show runner), they all hope to have enough power to blacklist that sorry excuse for an “actress” from their projects as revenge. And frankly, best of luck to them and I hope they succeed.

- Kaia is also not exactly as warm and friendly to everyone on sets unless you’re, you know, Laura Dern or of some importance to whatever the project is. She’s not a bitch throwing cell phones but she does not give a fuck about anyone not in power…and it shows. I sadly know a few people who had the misfortune of working with her and she was not interested in having real talks with anyone not important. Multiple sources from multiple projects have told me that. Only unkind people act that way bc they can’t keep up a facade when under the stress of filming. And I’m not talking one or day off days…consistently uninterested in anyone who does not have power. Many people more famous than her treat everyone the same on sets…just saying. People need to stop assuming she’s nice bc she what, doesn’t act like a total brat on red carpets? Everyone can act nice when there’s a camera around, c’mon people. What you see in interviews is not reality!

- Responding to another anon, sure Austin should join the strike pickets. He doesn’t have to post on social media but others would do it for him and it would show support, even if it’s a touch performative so many week in. (I know this is an Austin safe space so I’ll refrain on saying more.) That said, I’ve picketed a bunch and have yet to see a celebrity. Most days it’s the actors and writers who are not famous striking, but when famous ones show up it makes the news and genuinely helps with morale. Yes, of course sometimes they show up but not even close to as much as the little people do. I wish more famous people would, but when the nepos don’t…it’s even more insulting. They literally bought their way into much of their success (even if bribes don’t happen for roles c’mon, do you know how expensive a publicist is? We know all about the nepos before they hit the catwalk or land their first role bc they hire people to do PR, which gives them an even bigger leg up in addition to the connections they already have). These nepos do not care they are out of work bc they have other things they can do and still have financial security. It’s just insulting. And I think the original anon was speaking to Kaia mysteriously making news for walking her dog when she has a movie coming out she can’t promote. I’m not sure but I don’t think Austin has any movies for a moment so it’s not as egregious that he isn’t doing that this week ( unless I’m missing something, which I may be bc I don’t follow him much). The least these nepos could do is support the little people who are actually impacted by the strike. It’s proving how little they care about the industry and how unaware they are or how hard it is (we’re striking because we’re not being paid enough!) One social media post is a joke- especially since she was on one of the few projects that got an exemption!! She can’t act, she gets to act in the strike anyway (with exceptional people, btw), and then goes to Nobu instead of the picket lines? Please. That’s how I read the original anon at least (and loved their support so thanks if you see this!) and I don’t care for the second anon picking a weird fight about it. If Austin has struck work then fine, they’re right, but if not it’s not the same thing- at least not at this moment.

TL;DR- Thanks for all of the posts today. It was a good and validating read after a hard summer. Keep sharing why Kaia needs to be canceled! I don’t even believe in cancel culture and think it rarely sticks, but I’m willing to make an exception for Cindy’s entitled spawn who brings absolutely nothing but headaches all around. If nothing else, let’s encourage her to go back to school if she’s so “scholarly” with…is it romance reads in her book club? I genuinely don’t understand it and don’t want to but geez, that girl needs perspective outside of Hollywood for a few years and I hope she gets it somewhere (school or otherwise) bc that’s genuinely the best thing that can happen to her. I pray for the day she stops getting cast and my friends do instead.

omfg anon, whoever you are, i love you endlessly and i honestly don't have any words. this post should be sent around to the ENTIRE FANDOM because some people need to wake up.

am i shocked that people in the industry are fed up with kaia? absolutely not. i have read a couple of small blind items in the past that have mentioned her bitchy behavior. and while there weren't many of these accounts coming forward, it was those in the whole pile of good publicity surrounding her that always stood out to me more. it's so easy to fake being nice when you want to rub elbows with important people to get a foothold in the acting door.

im also so incredibly sorry that you and your fellow actor peers are even going through this strike right now. it's horrific and it should never have happened. it's the little people that already struggled to get jobs in the first place to get by that worry me more than some A list celeb that can't work on another movie but can chill in their nice house until the strike ends.

people that have creative type jobs and that work for their passions are always getting shafted by society. we shouldn't have to suffer because we don't want the typical corporate career. too many actors work their asses off to go to 100 auditions and are lucky to book maybe one thing in a blue moon while working day jobs at cafes or something. im sure it can feel depressing and degrading. you guys just want your big break, and to pay the bills while working your dream job. and im sorry that people like kaia gerber steals the work from right under your feet without a second thought. AND she butchers the roles she in, making the whole thing a farce.

im so glad you decided to come over here and talk about your experiences. honestly i hope more of your actor and writer friends speak out about the injustices. if you don't have a blog of your own i'd suggest making one now to document your feelings. who knows, it might get around and in the right hands of people to promote it ona grander scale. the regular media is barely covering the strike as it stands. we need to see that you guys are continually being shafted left and right.

and hey, i hope that more A List celebs picket with you guys on the front lines. it helps to make the headlines. thank you again for your commentary <3

[femmefatalevibe]

hey! me and my girlfriend have been together for 6 months now ans i love her to death. we both see a future together and despite certain hiccups weve had here and there, we always find a way to work through them and become better partners for each other. however the past few months our sex like has been suffering (at least on my part) because she's been so stressed due to outside factors and her libido is considerably lower than before. i havent pushed her to have sex with me (i am a SA and also r*pe victim so i am extra careful about consent and i would rather walk on hot coals than put her or anyone else through what i went through) and ive tried to be respectful despite the fact that she always says no whenever i try to initiate something and we rarely have sex now. she knows its affecting me and feels very guilty about it, which ive told her on numerous occasions that she shouldnt because im not entitled to sex or anything of the kind from her. thing is that despite the fact that im scared to tell her, this is affecting me in more ways than i can manage. it's fucking up my self esteem, making me feel unwanted (because even though the reason for her lack of sex drive isnt me and i know she finds me to be the most beautiful girl in the world, im the one that always gets rejected and she always looks so guilty when saying no) and kind of gross for wanting sex. i feel so disconnected from her in that area and i crave that kind of intimacy and closeness with her so much. plus getting rejected every time stops me from saying no if shes offering and i dont feel up to it, because i don't know when else ill get to be that close to her agan like that so i just do it. i very much enjoy it still but its messing me up that our sex like is suffering like this. most of all, im so unreasonably sad and angry and ive been having horrible mood swings because of it, which affect my ability to be a good partner to her and give her space to talk about her things. its making me hate myself and idk what to do about it. im sorry for the long post, but i need advice as im scared to tell her how much its affecting me in fear of making her feel guilty or coerced. i love her so much. any advice?

Hi love! Mismatched libidos are so tough to navigate in a relationship, even if it's common (at least at some point or another). It's truly commendable that you have such a healthy, respectable take on the situation (unfortunately, so many people feel more entitled to sex from their partners than they would like to admit), so I can see how healthy your relationship is! I totally get why this situation makes you feel undesired, it's only human, so validating this feeling of yours.

Here's my take on how to create intimacy and a closer sexual connection without actual sex when one partner (or both honestly) isn't in the mood:

Do A Sexy Photoshoot: Both wear your hottest outfits and lingerie and take photos like you're each others' muses (because you are!). It can be a hot activity on its own, a steamy way to initiate more foreplay, or to use as souvenirs when you need some self-care time to satisfy your sexual needs.

Give each other sensual massages: Candles, sexy music, sensual smelling oils, the works.

Ask for a dirty talk or sexy recording: Even if your partner isn't in the mood, it doesn't mean she won't be happy to communicate her desires for you verbally. You can listen to it when turned on to feel more connected generally or to use it during a self-pleasure session.

Discuss fantasies and unexplored desires: Nothing is hotter than talking about new things you want to try (besides actually doing them, of course). Either you feel closer from this steamy conversation or you get your closeness on a more physical level after you're both hot and bothered.

Schedule regular date nights: Never forget to arouse other pleasure centers: A delicious meal, wine, sensual music, candles, and musky perfume. Create tension and connection – whether dessert includes something sweet or slightly tangier.

Also, as an important note: I'm a heterosexual woman, so I'm speaking from a general place of how to manage mismatched libidos through a heteronormative lens. Anyone in the WLW who wants to correct me on anything, please do, and feel free to teach me more about these relationship dynamics to help the community!

Hope this helps xx

[sarcastic-salem]

So before I say anything else I want to specify that

I am transgender but I have decided to stop taking hormones.

I don’t know right now if this decision is permanent or not. What I do know is that I thought I would be happier being on HRT. And I’m not. I’m not happier and I’m disappointed with the results, which for me have been minuscule.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells in the transmasculine community. At least with the people I’ve encountered. Because my definition of masculinity has evolved a lot, but it seems like a lot of trans men are very eager to conform to the heteronormative societal norms that define “traditional” masculinity. Whether its toxic or not, and just never speak of it again.

I can’t do that — I can’t make myself be someone I’m not. And, for me, its resulted in a lot of bullying and misogyny. I mean, I know there are other reasons but I feel like me being more feminine than other guys constitutes a lot of it.

Feminine men are treated like scapegoats in the transgender and queer community. “Masculine” men see us as the root of all evil — we’re the cause of all the homophobia and infantilizing. And TERFs see us as easy targets either for bullying or to be converted into their cults.

On top of that, I no longer believe in gender roles and I just can’t do it anymore. It feels like even mens’ clothing is designed to make a statement and to portray machismo.

I do not want to make a statement. I don’t want to be told that I’m brave for wearing floral prints or the color pink. I don’t want to have to justify my every move down to the clothes in my closet.

I am always going to spread awareness about Civil Rights, and I am always going to remind people that Loki is a queer, transgender God.

But I’m tired, I’m stressed out — I’m losing my fucking hair.

I just want to exist.

Right now, I identify as nonbinary specifically agender or pangender. I don’t think I am particularly masculine or feminine. I’m just me.

I am still transgender, but being a transgender bisexual Heathen does not mean that I have answers to every queer Heathens’ problems or that I know the solution to every Civil Rights issue or whatever.

One of the reasons the @lokisbookworm account got shut down is because, aside from getting hate mail and death threats for nearly 4 years, I was starting to feel like an unpaid therapist. I want you guys, my followers, to feel like you can come to me for anything because I love helping people and making people happy. I really do.

But I cannot tell you if you are transgender or not. That is not up to me to decide — that is for you to decide.

And I cannot tell you if the crow in your front yard or the joker card you found in a library book is a sign from Loki or Odin or whoever. I don’t speak for them, okay, and whether or not I think something is a sign is not a valid reason to just skip discernment. And assume the best or the worst.

Never skip discernment.

This account was created by accident. Technically. I had another one and because I have no idea how to navigate this app aside from the simplest shit like reblogging and making a post, that other account got shut down when I was trying to delete a side blog. But the reason this blog exists is because I am trying to be a genuinely better person and I want to try to have a positive impact.

I’m not perfect and I have fucked up a lot. You guys have no idea how much of a piece of shit I feel like every day. For being narrow minded and argumentative and accusatory. Its embarrassing but its also disappointing because like…….I try to explain and people don’t want to hear it. To an extent, I don’t blame them — actions speak louder than words, right?

But this is the fucking internet and I’m not the kind of person who documents every single second of my life with a live post or a selfie. So what do I do? I try not to argue with people. If there’s a post I disagree with, I usually back the fuck off. Unless I’m triggered and being stupid because I don’t think rationally when I’m triggered. And if someone posts things regularly that I disagree with or that upset me, I unfollow them to avoid getting into arguments.

I do fuck up, I know. Part of the reason why that is because I cannot comprehend why people are acting like Tumblr is not a social media platform. When that’s exactly what it is. I cannot understand why people are so offended when you comment or reply to their posts. Especially when they’re able to turn off the replies and the reblogs.

Like the entire concept of Tumblr etiquette is expecting people to censor themselves in a public forum.

Jfc, this post has gone off-topic but um……Yeah, I’m nonbinary and transgender. Still queer. But right now, I am going off of my hormones and I don’t know what comes next.

I am still Milo.

I don’t give a shit about pronouns. People have misgendered me so much irl, I don’t even care anymore.

Happy Yule

&

Blessed Holidays

[creation-help]

Hiya! I’m here because I’m conflicted about pursuing an idea for a creative project that’s been popping into my brain a lot lately.

I’ve been convincing myself to stick to simpler and more light hearted stories because I don’t think I have what it takes to follow such an ambitious goal.

I do really want to end up making something out of it, but my current drawing skill level and my certainty that it’ll just be lost in the sea of other better stories and never get any attention is really turning me away from it.

I’m not sure of what to do anymore. Sorry if your not currently answering asks, your under no pressure to respond to me

Dear fuzzyman, I understand wanting to limit what you do to avoid unneeded stress and keep things casual, in order to keep it more fun. But I strongly recommend you don't limit yourself in what you want to do, just bc you think it wouldn't turn out good enough! I understand that feeling too, I have many things like that for myself, and I've been through the crushing ordeal, of putting alot of passion into an ambitious project only for it to crash or sizzle away slowly and painfully (the reason this blog exists, actually, fun fact). I've talked about it fairly often on this blog by now, but social media really is ruining artists on a large scale. Getting engagement feels rewarding, and it's natural to want recognition for what you do and to be seen by other people, bc heck we put alot of effort and just, alot, emotionally speaking, into our art. The way social media has become a fast consumption, blow up now or remain a nobody forever -kind of landscape really abuses that. Unfortunately alot of it is done intentionally to benefit businesses, not people. Anyhow.

I wanted to say all that to acknowledge that your fears are founded, and valid, but despite all that I also want to say all this that follows.

Your drawing level doesn't dictate how well you make things. It doesn't dictate what you should or shouldn't try. You do. If you truly want to make something even though it would be challenging, then you do that! If you want to wait on it and gather fuel for the fire slowly then you do that! I know it's easier said than done but prioritize yourself as an artist over the final product. Why do you create? I know some create just to share, and some just to get recognition, and while both have their own negative sides (and I wouldn't recommend the latter to anyone), they're still legit reasons to create. I'm not gonna tell people why they should or shouldn't make art. If they have the want and drive to make it, that's about it. Art in itself is just about making things to express or vent out some feeling or idea.

However you did say yourself that you really want to make something out of it. So while I wanted to acknowledge the complexity of these things, if you're here to just get that push to finally do it, I'm doing that to you now! I'm pushing you (gently). Do it even if it would only be seen by some few people, do it even if you're afraid of it not reaching up to your standards, bc guess what that's okay! Nothing can be perfect and art is never done. You'll continue to learn and improve over time if you work on these things and look into it, bc storytelling is also something that can require alot of learning and effort. Don't let that intimidate you, bc you aren't one of those other artists who, in your eyes, does it better, and you're also not the person who has already failed. You're a person who has an idea they want to pursue. You're the artist that can do exactly what you can do, and that is unique to yourself. And that is enough. Focus on that. And I do promise, every other artist has these same doubts, and the people you look up to have their own struggles. And that you can and will improve in these things as you go along. I really really encourage you to ignore the numbers and make bc of what you want to make, and out of the passion for what you do. It can be very hard, I know, but I promise it's better for you in the long run.

And like I've said before, it's not "That cake is way better than mine", it's "Yay more cakes!".

However if you don't feel ready to tackle this project yet that's fine. Neither you nor your story is a failure for not existing, or being left incomplete. Every creation is just it's own experience. That said you can come here to share your story and I can boost the stuff you make! All the best, fuzzyman

[aro-and-ace-memes-thoughts]

I'm gonna copy/paste this to some other blogs too because I would like advice from people with different perspectives

Am I weird or inconsistant for wanting to marry a fellow aroace person?

Society today always ties mariage and love together but historically and legally (at least in my country) it was (is?) not the case. Mariage was a contract between two families to perpetuate the bloodline, to keep lands, goods and properties between them, to socially protect both parties and help them to enrich themself, and while love between the two individuals was always a nice addition it was not a viable reason to get married/divorced (that and the all "only hetero wedding" cause religion is always a party pooper, but it's an all other point).

At it's roots mariage is only a social and economic contract but today the only good reason to be married is romantic love? And I'm just 😐 about that.

Don't get me wrong, I find it fantastic that Love is now a primary variant when before a lot of couples where stuck together because the family didn't ask or care for for their consentement. But now it's the ONLY reason people will accept the mariage of others and when I try to explain myself that I want it as a partnership with a friend to live my life people tries to... Invalidate me?

Like I just want to meet a good friend (that could support living with me every day 😅) laugh with them, cry with them, support each other, and that we like it or not mariage is a way to do so cause the state loves families cause they are profitable💲💲

So the state offers (or is supposed to) socials advantages and economic safety to married couples that it doesn't to single people.

And while I kinda agree with the reasonning behind it, I'm also sad to be more subjected to instability because I don't feel romantic love.

I've asked it to different people (both lgbt and not) and I was called greedy because I only want to profite from the eco/social benefits of the mariage, and I was like Yes ??!! That's the reason why this contract exist ?? And it's a natural and beautiful thing when the two persons love each-other but it's bad, greedy, I'm a leech/a parasite that only want to suck the money out of the system for myself because it's for "helping to support the children of the family" But there is plenty of CisHet couples and LGBT couples that can't or doesn't want kids but are still allowed to marry, but I'm weird for wanting it?

Because I only love my friends and I'm not IN LOVE with them? Because I don't want to fuck them?

Why my platonic love towards my friends, peoples dear to my heart, is less valid than the Oh so beautiful, Oh so pure, Oh so sacro-saint romantique one ?!

I've also tried to convey my ideas through rough sketches of a little comic on another site and some told me they didn't see the point, others to "just found a roommate and stop being weird" and someone accused me of queerbaiting because I depicted myself (a girl) with another girl and I was told I wanted to profit from a queer audience without wanting to write a WlW story properly, and I don't know it hurted me to receive those replies, to not be able to tell what I wanted to do, what I was craving for, that I started crying on the spot it was the first time I felt so invalidate as an AroAce and it came from an other lgbt member, like shit lady I'm trying to express something difficult for me why did you felt the need to insult me like that !!!!??? I've also received creepy DMs from guys that wanted to help me discover thE ReAL DeAl fuck every one of them !!!!

I just want to find my soulmate in this stupid universe but I know mine will be a Friend, a sibling from a different family. We will eat as every other couples, we will arguing over the evening movie as every other couple, we will stress together over taxes and rent like every other couple, we will love each other but of a simple and serene love that only friendship can create, completely platonic but nonetheless true. BECAUSE WE WILL BE TWO RESPONSIBLES AND CONSENTENT ADULTS THAT KNOW WHAT THEY WANT

I just want an other idiot to be a couple of idiots that helps each other to live in a society that despise single people and exposed them as failure to enforce it's own nuclear family model

And if I want us to signed a stupid mariage contract together I dont understand why everyone else tries so hard to make it weird !!!!!!

I'm sorry if it appears rude, I'm still under the heat of the emotion and not an english speaker

I want comment ? advice ? answer ? acknowledgment ? I dont know am I actually the weirdo ? 😞

Hi anon,

I apologise for taking so long to respond to this. I hope your life is going well :)

No, I don't think you're weird, inconsistent or greedy for wanting to marry someone platonically for tax benefits. It's not wrong to want the same benefits as romantic couples without forcing yourself into a romantic relationship. As long as both you and your partner consent to it, it’s totally fine!

This is not the first time I hear about aspecs wanting to marry for tax benefits. The concept is quite present in examples of relationship dynamics in qprs (queer-platonic relationships, a type of relationship that isn't romantic but goes beyond the social norms for friendships). 

Aros already have a natural disadvantage to this system and because of that we won't ever be able to marry for romantic reasons. We're at a disadvantage for something we can't control and that's what many allo people don't understand. You want to marry because of (a different kind of) love, but even if it was exclusively for money benefits, it's none of other people's businesses.

I'm sorry you faced so much backlash. Those people were extremely rude. Real people can't "queerbait", that's a concept applied to fictional characters only; those people who told you to just find a roommate wouldn't certainly be happy to just be a roommate with a romantic partner. As I said, those people fail to understand that it's not a choice to not be romantically attracted to someone and probably fail to think outside of their allo experience and the amatonormative society. It's really unfortunate though that queer people, who should be supporting you, are the ones being hateful.

So basically, it's totally fine to want marriage for non-romantic reasons. Other people think they know what is best for you but they don't. Follow your own path and think of your and your partner's happiness before other's opinions. There's nothing wrong to benefiting from a societal contract like marriage. Honestly I think it's a smart choice.

[filthforfriends]

I created my tumblr as a platform to dump my writing and fan edits, but also as a place where I didn’t have to filter myself. My mental health is so fragile that when something happens to me everyone wants to go straight to fixing it and skip the “wow that sucks” stage. However I’ve learned that feeling my anger is important because for so long my mother filled up all that space emotionally. Here I I can rant and rage and not worry about concealing anything. People whose names I don’t know not only validated my experiences, but often share them or at least understand them in a way that comes with tremendous empathy. But for the first time I’ve paused and I’ve concealed and I’ve questioned whether or not I should post this.

My life is no longer garden variety sucky things took a really disturbing turn just after Christmas. But there are still a variety of reasons I want to post this, mainly I don’t know how to feel or react. Maybe someone else has endured something this violating and humiliating but shoved it way down and felt alone. God knows I share those actions.

If you click beyond this point you’re agreeing that you’re at least in your 20s, mentally stable, and understand that what follows is megafucked

My mom is a published author. I was discouraged from reading her work because it was as very “adult” but at age 15 I snuck a peak on a story that I realized it was not so loosely based on my brother. I know she wrote about her life experiences through the lens of her narcissism and called it fiction, but I thought that the much of her stories was still made up.

So I’m visiting family over the holidays and my cousin whom I haven’t talked to since 2015 could tell that a book my mom published in 2019 was very clearly about me and non-fiction. He said that he tried to read the book but “there was just something about it he didn’t like.” It gave me a strange feeling so I read the short story.

It was absolutely not fictionalized at all. The character had a different name but the story contained my exact medical information, exact dates reactions happened. Extremely specific descriptions of my medical issues, many of which were mental.

There’s no question I should have been taken to a child psychologist. By the age of four I’d developed panic disorder, OCD, attachment disorder, and suicidal tendencies. I was not a happy child I was in constant fear and my mom used every detail of this because my story was compelling. I really can’t stress enough that she changed nothing but my name.

She documented exactly what I said during panic attacks that ruined my life. She documented what I said after attempting to drown myself. When they brought me to a therapist she documented how I behaved in the sessions, what I said, what the therapist said. My mother takes a journal with her everywhere and journals in the morning and evening.

She took all these direct quotes and described my every trauma response and brush with death in the first five years of my life. Confidential, highly specific, private information and she got it published and distributed nationally. I helped her do press on that book because I didn’t know. Now all these people know the most intimate details of my excruciating childhood.

I can only assume she did the same with her last book which several of my high school teachers read because they were her graduate students. She wrote the recommendation letters that helped them get that teaching position. My mother is a respected tenured professor at the university in our city. I cannot exaggerate how trapped I feel right now.

Eden, that sucks but it isn’t disturbing. This is me giving you another chance to scroll.

I found out from reading this non fiction “fiction” about my childhood that I was molested. By my mother. She wrote about molesting me. I had no memory of this particular incidence but I do remember another one like it that I ignored by convincing myself it was an accident. So I know that just like everything else in that story, the molestation did happen. I’ve showed it to a social worker and my therapist who both agree what the scene described.

Absolutely horrifying right? Yeah, especially because it’s on the third page. Especially because she gave this book to every member of my large extended family for Christmas. I can’t believe she allowed me to devote hours to publicity for this book. I got her in a Buzzfeed article. I must look like a imbecile to anyone that attends readings and signing who have read the book themselves.

My working theory is that my mother was just doing to me what was done to her by multiple men in her childhood. I don’t think she was attracted to me as a child. Because of her narcissism she didn’t consider how I might be affected from these experiments. Of course she hasn’t acknowledged what happened on any level. The scene is phrased as if I wanted what was happening to be which of course I didn’t because I was four.

I think poorly concealing it in a story was some sort of absolution. If people read it and didn’t call her out that would mean she did nothing wrong. Every mental health physician has suspected molestation even after I insisted it didn’t happen. They only asked about the men in my life, but never my mother.

I don’t know how to feel or act or change as a person or think about it or treat it. Has this dictated everything about my relationship with sex? Has it dictated nothing about my relationship with sex? How do I move forward?