#but also why do they love giving Luther just weird jobs

[fudgetunblr]

They really made Luther a subpar stripper, Diego a mailman with no aim, Lila a stay at home mum, Allison a struggling actress, Ben a cryptobro, Klaus a germophobe fearing everything, Victor a bar owner who can’t hold down a relationship and Five a CIA agent.

[spaceorphan18]

Umbrella Academy Thoughts

So. I did end up finishing Season 4 last night.

I need to preface this with -- I actually really do love this show. The first season of it is still one of my favorite TV stories. I love the characters. I love the sibling dynamics. I love superhero element - where the powers feel fresh or interesting spins on old things. Five and Klaus are just everything.

I didn't love love Seasons 2 or 3, but they were solidly good.

But they could have left things be after Season 3. They could have left well enough alone. Because Season 4, man. What???

Okay, onto spoilery things.

I will say, I really love the concepts and ideas the season had. The strange alien goo stuff wiping everything out while enhancing powers? Sure, fine. The train station that went to different time lines -- inspired, loved that. Even the idea behind the ending -- I could get behind if done correctly.

They had six episodes to tell a really compelling story and just... didn't. Most of it was a waste of time, a bunch of it didn't make sense, and some of it was just plain stupid, and it really breaks my heart that a show that was so, so, so brilliant when it started descended into this mess.

One thing I did like was Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally as the two cult leaders. They were fantastically cast, and did a great job even when the scripts descended into nonsense. I wish they had a stronger ending, but great choice in the casting department.

I have to wonder - the first episode is pretty solid, and I actually like the idea of their lives kind of sucking in their happily ever after era, which thematically makes sense when they wrap around to being erased. Another great idea. But I wonder -- did they get the note that it'd be six episodes after they started writing? But there's a definite shift after the first couple episodes that started to feel like both they were trying to cram in too much to the episodes and that there wasn't enough plot to really make an interesting story. The pacing was incredibly weird.

So... let's talk about the rest of the characters, shall we?

Luther -- I honestly loved his characterization in this season. He was great! He also had really nothing to do, and the whole thing at the CIA's office was a waste of time. Why did we need that sequence, especially when it took up an entire episode?

Diego -- I feel like they made him a little too much of a loser? I also kind of missed his banter with the other siblings. He just felt like a shell, which was intentional, but never got any redemption? Which -- like, if you're going to erase the characters, and this goes for everyone, give them some kind of satisfying growth or ending before they're gone.

Allison -- I'm amused that everyone just kinda let it go (honestly, I don't even remember what she did do, I only watched Season 3 once, but I remember it was bad) but I am glad she got to not be the bad guy this season. Finally. She had some nice moments. Again, didn't really do much ultimately.

Klaus -- my god, the biggest waste of time during the whole season. I love where they started him. But why did he get the stupid subplot of him being a medium? Why did we go there? It's like they needed him out of the way, and buried in a box. You can see the -- how do we get there of it all. But none of it was needed. And it's clear they had no actual idea of how to get him into the main plot. Because he does nothing. And it just... breaks my heart because I love his character so much.

Five -- *sigh* Five is my /favorite/ character, and just... what?? The biggest BIGGEST wasted opportunity was not having more shenanigans related to the train station. Could you imagine if he brought everyone and they all had to timeline jump? It would have been so cool! The concept was brilliant and amazing and just... what?? I did love the diner of Fives. That was inspired and a taste of what i really wanted. But instead they waste all that opportunity on a love triangle. And I get that maybe they were going for Five having character growth of thinking about more than himself? Kind of? But then they missed idea of their whole character who spent three seasons trying to save EVERYONE and not himself, I just... I can't with it. I can't.

Ben -- I'm fine with the Ben stuff, mostly. He was the main plot, it worked until the end when it dissolved into stupidity and shit monsters.

Victor -- At least he got to be part of the main plot in a meaningful way. I did like he and Hargreeves teaming up. It was one aspect that did work for me. I've always felt they never gave Elliot Page enough to do, when he's one of the stronger actors, but at least he didn't get the worst things to do.

Lila -- Oh my god. back to the love triangle stuff. I don't mind her, or the fact that she and Diego had a shitty life. It's fine. But the love triangle was so uninspired. So felt like I've seen this kind of thing a hundred times before. It was so terrible that they needed to waste their time on it. Why? What did any of these characters do to deserve it? It's like, the show, every time it diverged from interesting sci-fi concepts and attempted human drama just kind of failed. And it's sad.

Jennifer -- I... still have so many questions. How did the anti-marigold stuff get into her in the first place? Why was she in a squid? Just... what??

Regi and his Wife -- They've always been so vague about them. I wish they had explained just a little bit more. Just have a little more context and I think it would have gone a long way. The characters just didn't ask enough questions of them, and the story felt thin and unrealized as a result.

Okay... The ending...

When you get to the point in your story where you're CGI'ing a giant shit monster, don't you think it's time you're probably done, done? Like if you are doing this creatively? You've run out of ideas and you're just scrapping the bottom of the barrel. It's just... kind of sad. Everything about it is sad.

As for being erased, I don't actually hate the concept, but man do I hate the execution.

There was a way that could have been incredibly narratively satisfying. You erase them, and then go back to the beginning, and the kids get to live and grow up on their own. Then for the last sequence (loved that they brought I think I'm alone now) you have seven strangers pass each other in the park not knowing each other. And that would have been fantastic, you know? A way for the characters to live on and still uphold the ending.

But what we got? It just felt... so muddled? Like -- how is Claire's kid alive when she never existed? Same with Diego and Lila's kids? I don't understand it!! And the cameos were cute -- but why not bring back everyone? I just don't think it makes a whole lot of sense the way it plays out.

The entire season needed a rewrite, better editing, stronger character focus, and it would have been brilliant. Because the ideas are there. The concepts of this season are great. But maybe they ran out of time? Maybe Netflix switched things on them last second? Or maybe the powers that be aren't that great at their jobs?

Idk, idk. I don't blame the actors (or the crew) they did what they could to salvage the messy, messy script choices.

But I think what makes me the saddest is that it's such a botched ending, this show, that really was so good in the beginning, will end up being forgotten by time because of its ending. In ten years, people will probably forget this show ever existed because we've all moved on not wanting to go back to it.

What a disappointment.

[mangoshorthand]

Oh, I didn't know about that filming location, I have seen a lot about leaks and filming locations on twitter during filming, but not about that one.

And I remember reading back then they were looking for multiple people who can handle guns. Something like that. I really wonder what they are up to in S4.

Also, the Commission Handbook was delayed at short notice from February to end of May now.. I don't know if it's because they want to publish it promptly for the S4 release or because of other reasons. I hope they don't release the season the first week of June because I am at vacation and if I can't watch it I will go insane.

Most of the fans would be against it because the Commission brought him nothing but pain, but shame on me, I am all in for Five refounding the Commission even if he said is done with killing (well, as the Founder I am not sure how much he will interact with these jobs, but it's still his organization who gives the orders), but maybe he has his reasons to refound it. I would love a peaceful life for him after "retiring" like he deserves, but I imagine it would be too easy and boring for him after a while, and let's be honest, he will be stuck in the world in a younger body and if he ages.. he will be mentally over 100? Filming wasn't in order but Aidan was the last one on set to wrap and everyone already left, if the season maybe does end with us seeing Five, it would be cool if it's a last shot of him in the Commission as the founder. But that's just me. I am prepared for him to die though, lol. :(

Oh Hazel, I really liked him, but they killed him off just like that. I wonder if Sloane will come back too. I don't care of the Sparrows that much but the whole build up of her and Luther would be such a waste if she was gone for good. That's why I am also kind of scared how they will end the story for everyone properly with only 6 episodes.

I cannot tell you how much I'm seething about the Commssion handbook. I have that mother fucker on preorder 😡

Yeah, I can't see Five retiring for good. He's the sort of guy whose mind needs a bone to chew on. It's the only way he knows how to be. Hopefully he'll find a nice bone though- something he can do that's low risk but absorbing. I'd probably rather he didn't refound the commission but I can see a story arc where it would make sense.

Sloane at least will definitely be back in some way. Like you say, it would be weird otherwise.

[bigassheart]

I’ve seen a couple posts about how everyone was wildly out of character and totally inconsistent this season and I’m just like... were you guys paying attention? 

1. Luther

Arguably the biggest shift in character between the two seasons, but it makes sense. Luther spent a year fending for himself and thinking his entire family was dead. 

This is the first time in his life that he had to hold down a job and actually live on his own. It was literally his first time living out in the world among anyone other than his family, and you can see in his reactions with the other characters from that life (the boss, his landlord, those kids that idolize him, and the waitress) that it has really mellowed him out. It has allowed him to be more normal, despite being very much not normal. You can see the way he’s so much more comfortable in his skin. Literally the only times he looks uncomfortable is when he’s fighting people, shirt off and body on full display. He’s still not comfortable with that, but he’s not trying to hide under huge overcoats anymore. He has people in his life who accept him for being a little weird, but really do treat him normal. 

So is he a little less uptight and mission focused? Yeah. Because he can finally see another life, and it’s the life that he honestly did want in season 1 but felt like he couldn’t have because he was number 1 and he had a responsibility to his dad, his family, and the academy to be the leader. Having a year on his own frees him of all that. 

But he also spent all that time thinking his family was dead and feeling so guilty about it. You can see in his very first interaction with Vanya, where he suddenly feels that responsibility again. He brings a gun, not knowing what’s going to happen and, despite what he told Five, he absolutely does still have that lingering feeling of responsibility. But then he sees Vanya and she’s not a threat and everything he has been holding in for the last year comes out. Because he does feel guilty as hell for what he did to Vanya, but also for the fact that his actions pushed her into causing the apocalypse. He spent a year with the knowledge that he did that and thinking that his family was dead because of his actions. 

He’s willing to listen now because he spent a year living in a world where his actions killed his whole family. And now he finds out that that didn’t happen and he has a second chance. Of course he’s going to take it! 

2. Diego

In the first season, Diego finally admitted that he wanted to be close to his family and that he cared about them and wouldn’t leave them again. He confronted the guilt about leaving, which he had previously denied. He realized the difference between revenge and honoring someone’s memory. But despite all that, he never confronted the reason why he, a grown-ass-man, wandered around the city as a leather clad, mask wearing vigilante. 

So when we see Diego show up in 1963, that’s still who he is. He wants to be that hero and he finds an answer for how to be that hero in the first several minutes that he’s there. So he takes it. I mean, what else is he going to do? His family is gone. Maybe they’ll show up again. Maybe this is it. Either way, he’s on his own like he was before, so he’s got a duty to be the hero he has chosen to be. 

And then he meets his dad again. Everyone keeps telling him he has daddy issues, and they’re right. He absolutely has daddy issues. He’s still trying to simultaneously prove that he’s good enough for his dad, but also doesn’t need Daddy’s approval. Except he does need it. He still desperately craves it and he feels gutted when his dad denies him that approval, even falling back into the stutter he had as a kid. 

Now, despite the way we joke, Diego is not dumb. He is so observant and he makes some of the most poignant statements about his siblings and the way they see the world. He sees the people around them and he understands them, but he has never been able to completely turn that gift inwards and see those same things in himself. In this season, Lila breaks through all that and he finally sees himself in her at the end. 

“Do you know how hard it is to trust people when your whole childhood was bullshit manipulation? Then why would you do that to me?”  

Diego sees himself in Lila, in her failure to break away from her mother despite the fact that he knows she wants to. In the final episode, he sees that she is just like the rest of the siblings, but she doesn’t have to be. None of them have to be stuck with their daddy issues, because they have each other. They can support and care for each other. It’s the last step of the growth he started in season 1, moving beyond his tendency to define his life and his family through their father. 

3. Allison

Throughout season 1, Allison struggled with whether or not to use her powers, but it was all centered around getting back to her daughter. When she appears in 1961, that motivation is effectively removed. She thinks everyone else is dead. She thinks that she is stranded in the past and that she will never get back. She finds a group of people to support her and before long... she finds her voice again. 

It’s no coincidence that Allison’s first spoken words in the series come right after she gives Ray that pamphlet with a bunch of added notes. She finds her voice in the civil rights movement. She finds her power there. She finds a way to help change the world, to change reality, and she does it without her powers. 

This is something she struggled with through the entirety of season 1, feeling inadequate for using her powers to get what she wanted, not knowing if anything was real or earned. Now she has the chance to earn everything without those powers and she is thriving. 

And then she is forced to use her powers again. It all turns out fine, but now she’s showing off and experiencing all over again how good it feels to have power. She spent two years in a world where she was denied equal treatment, where she could be arrested and assaulted for any reason those with more power came up with. And now she feels that power... She doesn’t have to wait for people to give her respect. She can demand it. But the pain is still there, and it’s not enough to just be respected, because these people have hurt her. They almost killed her husband. They have used their power to cause pain to her and all those who look like her time and time again and now it’s time to understand what it’s like to be powerless, to be hurt and to be unable to stop it and... 

And it’s scary. It’s scary to have that much power, to see how you could become the kind of person who uses your power to hurt others. And she knows that her power has hurt people she loves and suddenly she’s right back where she started. 

Only not entirely. 

She doesn’t shy away from her powers in the final fight. She is obviously still finding that balance and I would expect this struggle to continue for her in future seasons. Power can be addicting and Allison’s power is so strong. She knows the danger there, but she also knows that sometimes it’s needed despite the danger. 

4. Klaus

Klaus is an addict. He finds obsessions to bury himself in to avoid dealing with reality. In season 1, he buried himself in drugs and booze. When he shows up in the 60′s, he finds a new drug to bury himself in: adoration. 

Klaus is so impulsive and it’s not difficult to connect the dots of how one thing leads to another until suddenly everything is out of his control. Honestly, that’s the story of Klaus’s life, no matter where he goes. And then something changes. He gets tired of his cult and leaves. Except... that’s not really the reason. 

After all this time, Dave is still the love of his life, and he knows he has an opportunity. He knows where Dave will be at this one time and he knows exactly what he has to change to keep Dave alive. 

He also knows that Ben is going to have thoughts about this. 

I know some people were disappointed that there wasn’t more Klaus and Ben bonding this season, but it makes sense that there is tension there. I think a lot of that tension comes from Ben’s circumstances, which I’ll discuss later, but Klaus is also not responding to that tension well. 

They are fighting more than ever (not that they ever didn’t fight in season 1, where they spent much of their time being snarky to each other and Ben literally punching Klaus in the face for being an asshole), but the fighting is about something new this season. Ben wants his own life and Klaus is not in a position to give Ben what he really wants. We also learn that he has been carrying around this guilt for the last 17 years about forcing Ben to stick around as a ghost. He forced this half-life on his brother and now that it’s not enough for Ben, Klaus doesn’t want to deal with it. So he avoids and deflects and snarks and we see the toll on their relationship. We see it in the way he tries to deal with his plans around Dave entirely on his own. He focuses so much into that last ditch effort. He’s already in such a low place before this, so when that fails, we see him snap. We see him give up and crumble. And Ben falls back to his old role, trying to save Klaus from himself. 

But the tension isn’t gone and Klaus’s guilt isn’t gone. We see it again when Klaus finally agrees to let Ben possess him. Klaus has always been afraid of his powers and being possessed is just as terrifying a thought as being surrounded by the dead. And yet he gives Ben that chance. It’s the last good thing he can do at that point. 

I do wish we had gotten more closure for Klaus and Ben’s story. I think Vanya’s reveal could have been given a little more time, but that’s not really a problem with inconsistent characterization, so we’ll save that for another post. 

5. Five

OK, who would argue that Five was out of character or inconsistent? He’s obsessed with stopping the apocalypse, is willing to cross a lot of lines to save his family, and constantly frustrated by his family’s failure to go along with his plans. This is textbook Five. 

What I loved about this season was that we got to see Five finally meeting his father again. They interact as two adults, not as a child trying to find away to become his own person, frustrated by a lack of trust from his father. It allows Reggie to see Five in a different light and to actually provide advice in a constructive way, something he has almost never been able to do when viewing them as his children. But despite outward appearances and despite the fact that Five is a grown man, he still sees his father the same way he always has. He doesn’t register Reggie’s advice as advice. He hears that he’s striving beyond his abilities and that maybe he can only travel in seconds. He hears his father telling him he can’t handle time travel. That’s why he doesn’t try to actually take the very good advice until the very end.  

An old dog can still occasionally learn a new trick and Five proves that true. 

6. Ben

As I mentioned earlier, Ben is chaffing at his ghosthood. Maybe it’s because Klaus has been sober enough to keep Ben around solidly for 3 years. Maybe it’s because Ben is no longer spending all his time trying to keep Klaus alive and sober. Or maybe it’s the fact that he has finally found someone that he actually wants to spend time with. Whatever the reason, Ben wants to be alive this season. 

Again, as I mentioned, that’s causing some tension. Ben doesn’t want to be tied to Klaus, but Klaus is ignoring that because he feels so guilty about it. Ben doesn’t want to admit that he was too scared to go into the light on his own, so they’re at a bit of a standstill. 

And then Ben gets the opportunity to be alive again, if only for a while. And in a lot of ways, it’s wonderful! But it’s not the same as being truly alive. 

So when the time comes, when he’s faced with that light again... he’s not afraid. He knows that it’s time to move on. He knows this isn’t where he should be, but he also got the chance to be there for his family. He misses them, but he got to talk to Diego and Vanya. He got to save Vanya. He got to save Allison and Diego and Klaus and Luther and Five and the whole world! So while he would have stayed, he’s not sad about leaving anymore, and he’s not afraid. 

7. Vanya

OK, she was a little out of character because... you know. She had amnesia. 

But aside from erasing her past, the amnesia allowed us to see Vanya without the anger and resentment that plagued her for all of season one. Vanya was always someone who was kind and loving, someone who cares enough to leave peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches out for a missing brother for years. Someone who knows the pain of not being seen and who will always take the time to truly see other people. She’s someone who wants to love and to be loved and to protect those she loves. 

That was all here, with or without the memories. And as soon as the memories came back, so did the guilt and fear about what she had done, what she had become, terrified of what was inside her in a way that she was not when her powers first surfaced. But Ben is used to being afraid of what’s inside of him. He knows she’s not a monster and is the perfect person to explain that to her. And this time around, she has experienced the love and care and attention of her siblings (and Sissy) to back up those words. That’s how she finally accepts them as truth, how she finally accepts her power as a part of her. 

Overall, there are things that I wish this season spent more time with, but there was nothing that I felt was out of character or wildly inconsistent. The characters still struggled with all the baggage from their shitty childhood, their fear of their powers, and the guilt in their past. Some struggled in new ways this season and some continued old struggles that had never fully been resolved. The season felt very different than the first, but it still felt like the Umbrella Academy. It was a good mix of new and old and a good mix of feel-good moments we have all been waiting for and frustrating and sad moments that just come with having a complicated family. I loved this season. And now, I’m going to go re-watch every episode. 

[matuk-art]

(Same anon as the one about the emotions)

Can we also talk about the fact that half the sparrows died really early in the season and their siblings didn't seemed to care, I mean they lived in the same house for like 30 years even if they considered themselves more as a team than a family that was odd, also Luther ready to betray his family for a woman he met two days ago (as he said to her), and everyone acting as if Diego acted like a great father when he basically constantly pushed away the kid who was supposed to be his son, even saying that he has most important things to deal with than him, like ok (tbh it seemed quite ooc for Diego to act like that) and also Diego literally forbidding Lila to fight because she's pregnant and restraining her basically not respecting her choice, like I get it, he wants to protect her and the baby and she should be careful but the way he acted was a bit too much, and it gave me bad vibes. Again, I won't talk about Allison

And honestly the worst is the weird vibes and inc*sty stuff, like stop with this already pls, that made me so uncomfortable, I honestly think that the writers are so wrong for this, why are they writing all of these romantic relationships between these people, and also why did they make Five fight with a n*ked lila, like that basically his "sister-in-law" in the show, like I know that n*ked doesn't equal anything s*x*** but that was still weird. And more importantly Aidan is a teenager and Ritu a grown woman !!!

I'm so sorry for ranting in your asks honestly, there still a lot of things I liked about the new season but I needed to vent about it a little bit, I'm sorry if that gave you negative energy....

Diego's arc is incredibly frustrating for me. Firstly because it didn't mean anything, it didn’t get us anywhere!! Arggghh and secondly because ironically Diego had been a better father figure or protector in previous seasons (S1 with klaus, ej). With Stan he did a pretty lame job. All the time I was thinking: poor baby Stan with such bad parents. Haha.

I have no strong opinion on the fact that Diego forbade Lila to fight while she was pregnant. I am not for or against. And to be honest, I as an overprotective and aggressively prepotent person, who commonly thinks that everyone is making stupid decisions regarding their existence, would not have allowed a woman I love to put herself at risk during a pregnancy either. But obviously it is not my place to decide for anyone!! Diego is a flawed but sensitive man, so I do understand his position but I don't necessarily approve.

Honestly, I can't care less about the couples and all the decisions that the writers make regarding the subject, I try not to give them a lot of thought, because as I mentioned before, I think the TUA writers do not do a great job writing the romance. I'd say they do a pretty mediocre job. The only times I ever bought the credibility of a romance is when the couple is already established (ray/Allison, klaus/dave S2, Eudora/diego)

AND just as I don't care about couples, I don't care about the incestuous relationships either. I have no problem with any of the ships bc they all bore me to death haha, honestly, and I think that everyone has the right to imagine fictional characters in the situations they please. It's not like someone is getting hurt.

It does make me very uncomfortable, however, the weird vibes between five and the handler, and in this season, between five and lila. I think both relationships are mirrored. I can't believe people didn't notice how off their scenes were (as they were with the handler), I don't know if they have a hard time reading the subtone or have no clue of how ​​film language works. I seriously have the urge to isolate a couple of frames and sequences and showing them out of context so they can witness the obvious suggestive tone deliberately set by whoever wrote the script and directed the scene. But, come on!, naked Lila fighting??? Jesus

It could be the hypocrisy in the fandom. Some condemn, block, cancel any fan who refers to Five as attractive or sexy, but for some reason they have no problem with Lila referring to him that way ???? It's frustrating. Similarly with the incestuous couples. I KINDA understand the outrage over Luther/Allison, sure, they were raised as siblings, but the fact that they find Luther/Sloane so disgusting and for some reason have no problem with Lila/Diego is incredibly disconcerting to me. Beyond the fact that Lila has a different last name, it seems to me that both relationships took place in quite similar circumstances. They weren't raised together, neither of them. Andd at the end of the day ALL children with powers are siblings (whether they have the same last name or not), because they were born on the same day and conceived from the same source. Source that is Reginald himself. I think the fandom makes very impartial judgments, based on very strange, contradictory and not very objective or even fair criteria. I think we should leave each other alone, to enjoy the series as we each please.

[thisisawonderfulusername]

let's save the world

season two, episode eight

five hargreeves x reader

summary: you have one final idea to get back to twenty-nineteen: finding yourselves

warnings: cursing

word count: 2.6k

a/n: this took for fucking ever but i'm not even gonna apologize at this point because i'm ninety percent sure it will happen again. sorry in advanced. just be glad i did it, alright? anyways, please enjoy episode eight, i loved writing it, i don't know why i put it off for so long

“we were that close.” you whisper to yourself as you go up the stairs, “so close.”

the door to one of the rooms slams behind you as you quickly look through the cabinets, before finding a bottle of whiskey. the only thing you need right now.

you twist the cap off, tossing it to the side as you sit on the couch with a heavy sigh.

you can hear luther speaking as he presumably follows five up the steps, but you don’t focus too much on what he’s saying. something about making a new plan, which almost makes you laugh. no other plan would ever work, if this one didn’t. his family would never let that happen.

the door opens once again as five enters, slamming it shut and locking it before luther can come in behind him. “five!” the big man shouts outside of the door, knocking on it, “come to what?” a sigh follows shortly after, and you hear his steps recede, apparently giving up.

you look to five, holding the bottle out, “want some?”

when he takes it, you expect him to take a drink, not find the cap and twist it back on, “what are you doing?” he questions.

“what are you doing?” you shoot the question back, reaching for the bottle, “if you didn’t want any, you didn’t have to take it.”

he looks at you incredulously, holding it out of your reach, “we still have an apocalypse to stop! you can’t just be sitting in here drinking!”

at that, you let out a loud laugh, yet nothing about this is funny. “you’re kidding, right?” you raise an eyebrow, sinking into the cushions, “i’m done with that.”

setting the booze on the coffee table, his eyebrows furrow at you, “what do you mean? you can’t be done with it. we don’t have much time!”

“don’t you get it, five?” you lean forward as you look up at him, “we can’t stop this. no matter how hard we try, we’ll never be able to. there’s always something that gets in the way when we get seconds away from actually doing it. let’s face it, the world is against us, and this apocalypse is happening.” you sound defeated, and you hate hearing it. you never wanted to give up, to let the world get the best of you. it tried to before, and you persevered. but none of that matters anymore, because soon enough, you'll be nuked and your existence won't have mattered.

he’s shaking his head in disbelief, “no. no, it isn’t. you’re supposed to be the one helping me, y/n! we can still do it.”

“and what’s your plan this time? do you even have one?” you can feel the tears brimming your eyes, and you hate feeling this weak in front of him, but there was no stopping it now.

“i do.” he states, “but i need you to help me.”

sitting on the couch next to you, turned in your direction, he gently guides your eyes to his, his hand resting on your cheek. "i can't do this without you. i can't save the world if i don't have you to help me."

a tear escapes and you quickly wipe it away, sniffling as you gather yourself before you break down completely. "fine." you breathe.

-

you were currently in the kitchen, chugging down as much water as you could from a pitcher before passing it along to five. This plan was so, so stupid. he began to drink from it as well, and luther, who had been napping on the couch, entered.

“five, what…” he glances between the two of you, you putting baby powder anywhere on your body you deemed necessary, and to him, taking in a breath as he flipped the top closed on the pitcher. “are you guys okay?” he questions in confusion.

“we need to be hydrated.” he breathes out, and you hand him the baby powder once you were finished.

if it was possible, luther’s confusion grew, “what’s with the baby powder?”

“it’ll help with the itching.” you state, giving no further explanation.

“what itching? there’s itching? what the hell is going on here?” as five puts some of the powder in his pants, realization dawns on his face, “you do have a plan.”

grabbing his blazer, five sighs, “well, it’s a desperation move, but… since our brain-dead siblings are incapable of meeting a simple deadline, well- we have no choice.”

“no choice about what?” you follow him into the living room, flipping the watch you stole from the formerly sleeping man- since he no longer needed it- open.

“we have to find ourselves.”

luther is so stunned, trying to process it, that he doesn’t speak. “we just arrived in dallas fifteen minutes ago.” you state, closing the watch and sticking it back in your pocket.

“should i be worried about you guys?” luther finally asks, his eyebrows furrowing at the two of you.

“luther, if you recall,” five speaks as he begins to stretch, “we were sent to nineteen sixty-three on a job by the commission to make sure the president was assassinated.”

“oh!” luther starts to understand, “so, wait, your old self is out there.”

“precisely.”

“what, just walking around dallas?”

“walking around dallas with a briefcase that can get us home.” you tell him with a smile. now, if this plan didn’t work, you were truly screwed. of course, the older looking versions of yourselves won’t give up the briefcase so easily, but you know for a fact you can do it. and with that briefcase, there wouldn’t be a time limit. you could gather all of the siblings together and finally be rid of the apocalypse. maybe, just maybe, it will be the last that you have to deal with.

“oh, my god.” luther’s hands come together in front of him, “you are geniuses.”

“however, there are two significant problems with this plan.” five tells him, you nodding along, “problem number one: we are two trained assassins, arguably the most dangerous assassins in the space-time continuum. If we know ourselves, we’re not going to react kindly to bumping into us.”

you knew it sounded like you were giving yourselves a pat on the back, but he wouldn’t be saying it if it wasn’t true. and it definitely was.

“problem number two,” he paces, “this is the real fly in the ointment here: you’re not supposed to exist in close proximity to yourself in the same timeline. the side effects can be disastrous.”

luther seems as if he’s trying to process all of this, “side effects? what sort of side effects?”

“well, according to commission handbook chapter twenty-seven, subsection three-b, the seven stages in paradox psychosis are…”

“stage one: denial.” you begin counting off on your fingers,

“two: itching.” five looks to his brother,

“three: extreme thirst and urination,”

“four: excessive gas,”

“five: acute paranoia,”

“six: uncontrolled perspiration,”

“and seven:” you pause for a moment, dropping your hands, “homicidal rage.”

“homicidal rage?” luther questions, to which both of you confirm, “jeez, i don’t know. this maybe isn’t such a good idea.”

five begins to pace again, throwing his arms to the side, “it’s a hail mary. but what choice do we got, luther?”

leaning against the door frame, the large man shrugs, “i don’t know, you already seem a bit squirrely if i’m being honest.”

“listen luther, we’re gonna need you to help us get through this one, alright?” you stand in front of him, “we need… a spotter.”

“a spotter?”

“yeah,” you breathe out.

his eyebrows furrow, “what is that, like a wingman?”

“in case the paradox psychosis gets too severe,” five strides over, “we need you to help us stay on task, alright? so whatever happens, whatever we say, we need to get that briefcase. okay?”

“okay,” luther breathes.

“okay.” your shoulders relax.

both you and five turn and make your way to the steps, and you barely realize that luther is still at the doorway, staring in front of him. “luther, come on!”

“right.”

-

there’s an irish jig playing as you enter the bar, and chatter fills the air between the people inside, sitting at tables and at the stools along the bar countertop. you look around, skimming over all of the people, until you see them. or- you and five. it’s weird, seeing the older looking woman who sat next to the older looking five. you barely recognized them, since you had been looking at your thirteen year old selves for a while now.

“there we are.” five has spotted them as well. sitting at the bar, the briefcase on the raised wood that acted as a footrest between the two older versions of you.

“why don’t we just grab the briefcase and run?” luther asks.

“luther, we would never let that happen.” you tell him, looking up at him for a second, “we’re trained to guard those briefcases with our lives.”

“right.”

“plus, it’s the inherent paradox where this gets tricky.” five adds in. “we’re endangering our existence just being in the same room with ourselves.”

“huh? what do you mean?”

you roll your eyes, “luther, keep up. if our old selves don’t travel back to twenty-nineteen like we’re supposed to, the whole thing unravels itself. we cease to exist. got it?”

“i… got it.” he doesn’t seem to, but you decide not to try to explain further and confuse him even more.

“so our best chance is to talk with them, to reason with them.” five rolls his shoulders back, “they’ll understand. trust me. i know us better than… better than i know us.” the sentence is confusing, but the point gets across.

as five reaches up to scratch his neck, luther is quick to point it out, “that’s stage two of paradox psychosis.” he whispers urgently.

“no, i didn’t.” five states, “i didn’t itch my neck.”

“denial is stage one.” the large man points out.

“let’s stay on task, shall we?” you wave towards the two of you sitting at the bar, and as you’re about to step forward, luther reaches his hand out to stop you.

“wait!” you look at him in a mix of confusion and annoyance, “maybe i should go first.”

“why?” five asks him, also confused.

“well, you’ll freak them out.” he motions at the two of you, “bumping into your own tiny doppelganger? they’ll lose their shit.” he looks to the older versions of you, “just, let me break the ice.”

five glances around, sighing, “okay.”

“okay.” luther breathes out slowly, and you watch as he approaches the two older yous. you’re not sure if you can trust him one hundred percent.

as he begins to speak, the two of you very quickly get confused and on guard. meanwhile, you unconsciously grab hold of five’s hand to approach. “nope! don’t freak out. no freak-outs. alright.”

as the large man slowly steps to the side, you see yourself- your old self- tense up at the sight of younger looking you. “hey there, stranger.” your five speaks up, and the two older yous are almost shaking in their shoes from the shock and confusion.

you swear you see fear in your own eyes. it’s a look you remember seeing when you first landed back in twenty-nineteen and looked in the mirror at the you that had gotten stuck in the apocalypse. the you that was stuck alone for years until the commission brought you back to five. it was jarring to you as well, at first.

you remember staring into your own eyes. the little girl who had held five’s hand as he discovered the full extent of his powers, until it disappeared from her grasp and she was left in a smoldering, crumbling world.

-

the five of you had gotten a table, and you sat across from your older self, gaze unwavering. out of the corner of your eye, you could see the two fives glaring at each other.

“well, isn’t this nice?” luther breaks the silent tension, “the five of us, together like this.”

“no.” all four of you speak in unison, and luther is clearly uncomfortable, almost squirming in his seat.

the old five doesn’t look away from himself as he begins to speak, “somebody explain to me how it is i’m having a pint of guinness with my younger self.”

“older, actually.” the five sitting next to you states, “i’m you, just fourteen days older.”

“i have pubic hair smarter than you.” the other you says coldly, her fingers laced together on the table in front of her, “how’s that possible?”

“i can explain,” the younger seeming boy responds, “you see, one hour from now, on the grassy knoll, before the president is killed, you break your contract with the commission.” he leans forward slightly, “i already know you’re thinking about it. all those years in the apocalypse, we never stopped worrying about our family. well today, you’re going to do something about it.” he sits up straighter.

“today, you are going to attempt to time travel back to twenty-nineteen. however, you are going to screw up the jump, and end up in this twip of a body.” he points to himself with his two thumbs. “trapped forever, small, pubescent.”

“okay.” the older one finally breaks his stare, shaking in his seat, “even if i was to believe you, what am i supposed to do, not jump?”

“no, no.” you break away from the eyes of yourself, “we need you to jump. if you don’t jump, we cease to exist.” you motion between yourself and your five, “what we need is for you to jump correctly.”

“i’m listening.”

“the first time through, i got the calculation wrong. that’s how we ended up in these bodies.” five begins to explain, “but now, i know the correct calculation.”

the other is almost on the edge of his seat in anticipation, “what is it?”

“he’ll tell you.” you tell him, causing his gaze to turn to you instead, “in exchange for the briefcase you’re holding under the table.”

“yeah, yeah.” luther speaks up from where he’s sitting, “so now, you go back to twenty-nineteen, as planned, but this time with the right math, so you remain a full grown man. in exchange for that briefcase that you no longer need.” he points to the space between the older yous where it rests, a smile on his face.

“timeline restored, paradox resolved.” five speaks, “everyone goes on, existing happily ever after.”

the older you finally breaks her silence, “that’s quite a bit to take in.”

everyone’s heads turn towards her, “what do you think?” five asks, glancing between the two of them.

“i think,” older five says, “i need to piss.” he promptly states, standing from his seat and grabbing the briefcase, heading in the direction of the bathrooms. older you quickly looks between all of you, before also standing up and heading in that direction as well. you have a feeling that they’ll be discussing the situation at hand.

once they disappear down the hall where the bathrooms are, luther breaks the short silence that fell between the three of you. “well, besides the flop sweat, i think that went pretty well, right?” you had barely noticed, but there was, in fact, beads of sweat on your face, and you grabbed one of the napkins to wipe it away while luther patted one to five’s face.

“no, there’s something…” five fidgets in his seat, “something doesn’t feel right about this.”

luther is confused, which you’ve noticed happens a lot. “what… what do you mean?”

agreeing with five’s sentiment, you shake your head, “i don’t trust them.”

“but… they’re you.” he states in confusion.

“exactly.” the two of you speak in unison.

“well… i’m going to go to the bathroom too… maybe talk to him?” it’s more of a question as he stands up before quickly scurrying away.

“they’re planning something.” you state, leaning back in your seat as you scratch the back of your neck.

nodding, five takes a drink from his glass, “we have to be ready for whatever it is. we’re dangerous.”

“very.”

-

taglists

main: @horrorklaus @megasimpleplan4ever

tua: @rasberrymay @noodlextrash @atomicpillar @malfovs @andreasworlsboring101​ @lunylovelovegood

five taglist: @anapocalypseinmymind @five-hargreeves-official @insatiable-ivy @coffee-e-addict @xplrreylo @fandomfreakff @colie-babi @flowertoty @avovada @badwolf00593

let’s save the world: @aspiringwriter1 @thetrashypanda423 @lilacs-lavender @wow-lookit-all-the-fandoms @ohmyitsfaith @xplrreylo @fandomfreakff @onedollarduck @sleepygal124 @faith-quake @stripedchickens @youcandalekmyballs @pettyjayy @libidinexx @bts-chub @theoriginalkat @flowertoty @whenyouwantdeath @ot7purple @purblerain @megasimpleplan4ever @whenyouregrungeaff @dumdumsun @malfovs @hxney-lemcn @frnks-stuff @imwaytootires @avovada @badwolf00593 @dumdumsun @zero2461

[dihalect]

umbrella academy s03e01-02 thots

ep 1:

the sparrows are introduced pretty quickly — and in the middle of a fight — and aren't really explained at all. kinda gives the vibe of "this is normal in this timeline, better get up to speed on your own, and quickly"

(on that same note: i think the dance-off — even if it was a hallucination — was a very weird note to start the season on.)

the timeline has been changed. they assume that they had been left with their birth parents, which would mean that they had entirely different lives. why does allison think she would still have the same husband and child???

i love justin h min's acting, and i'm honestly super glad he's got a bigger role this season (both in terms of screentime and in being his own person)

there are six umbrellas, seven sparrows, and one dad. come on, guys. apes together strong. /hj

ep 2:

the clipping that viktor reads says that sissy died on the umbrellas' birth date. by the end of the episode, we know that this is the date that the umbrellas' would-be birth parents died. i doubt she would've been one of those parents. but she is the mother of harlan, who has shown up in the periphery of this season. it'll be interesting to see how they come into play.

they weren't lying, viktor's transition was WICKED rushed.

to paraphrase:

five: you met with the enemy, vanya??

viktor: it's viktor, actually. that's who i've always been

five: ok cool, love that for you. but what the fuck were you thinking?

i do hope that, if there are more seasons after this, they flesh out viktor's gender stuff a bit more. especially if gerard has more of a hand in writing that — i trust him with a trans arc way more than some rando.

i kinda appreciate five's forced nonchalance. i think his actor did a decent job of capturing this old man's "can't i get a god damn break" energy.

the sparrows include TWO white women with long dark hair. i am pretty much faceblind (#autism) and only noticed that they were two people when they formally introduced themselves to luther. so far my only way of distinguishing them is "hits on ******" vs "spits".

klaus's steering wheel is on the right side of the car.....?

allison's ptsd is depicted pretty realistically. i'm certainly glad that the trauma they've all faced wasn't glossed over, and i appreciate that it affected them all differently.

the way the amish are treated here is..... suspect somehow. very "isolated, Weird group with misplaced hostility, and one Good Apple who helps the protag". idk, i can't exactly write an essay criticizing this depiction right now, but i feel like i've seen this trope before and it's been ugly

i'm sure we'll find out more about this, but how did that amish lady find out about all the other umbrella-mothers' deaths??

not sure i like this approach to time travel. five says that, since they were never born in that timeline, time-traveling into it creates an Ultra Mega Super Bad paradox. but i mean..... wouldn't it be a worse paradox if they actually had doppelgängers walking around? *sighs* i guess i'll just have to see how this plays out but. mmrggghhh

come ON, you bastards. KEEP it IN your PANTS.

edit: i've partially changed my mind on the vanya/viktor name change. bc there are trans people who are given names that "match" their gender or are gender-neutral, and change them anyway to better match how they feel. so *shrugs* cool. of course one also has to consider that viktor is a fictional character, not a real trans person with real agency. but like. it's whatever.

edit edit: got a couple names mixed up and misspelled a word

[tooinlovewithfictionalpeople]

Dating the Hargreeves

Luther Hargreeves

-You met when one day you were called to the Hargreeve residence

- Your mother was a friend of Reginald and she had asked you to deliver a letter to him.

- On arriving you noticed how empty the place was

- So as Reginald took the letter from you, he told you to come back in ten minuets when he had written the reply

- Thinking he lived alone now, you just wondered about the house, until you bumped into Luther

- After stating your business, he seemed to warm up to you a lot more, even if he was a tad awkward

- You realised that he was just really lonely

- So you invited him for coffee

- He was so shocked all he could do was nod

- The coffee date went well the next day

- It was all going swimmingly, the two of you were good friends but right as you both were realising your feelings were more than just friends

- His dad sent him to the moon

- Pogo let you message him three times a day

- But you still missed him

- You didn’t understand why he couldn’t disobey orders

- But you respected his choice and waited

- For years

-When he finally came back he was slightly more clingy than he was usually and you two quickly became an item

- He was a broken soul who just needed some love

- And attention

- And to believe he didn’t waste four years of his life

- When you two started dating he was basically your own personal teddy bear

- he’s so warm so if you’re cold he would let you cuddle up to him

- he’d be so gentle because he doesn’t want to accidentally hurt you

- You would constantly be there to remind him to be nice to his siblings

- going stargazing together 

- or moon gazing the guy has an obsession

- You would steal his coat and make brilliant impressions of him, much to the joy of Diego and Klaus

-You are defiantly the smart one so Luther would always go to you for advice

- he’s so protective and will glare at any man who looks your way

- which can get a bit annoying but it’s nothing to bad.

- He’s really insecure so you would constantly assure him that he was beautiful the way he was

- Helping Luther see that dear old Dad was not the nicest guy

- Your best friend is 100% Diego though

- Which Luther hates because if you're mad at him, he’s doomed on all fronts

- He buys you chocolate though so you keep him around

- He has a good heart really

Diego Hargreeves

-You're both vigilantes of sorts

- You're more like a private investigator plus baddass crime stopper

- Police pay you to solve crimes, and then the government pay you even more money to take out pesky people

- It was kinda fun

- You meet Diego when Patch brings him in

- He overhears what job you’re doing and asks why you’re getting paid doing the same thing he’s getting arrested for

- Patch laughs and tells him that you are more of a private investigator

- You smile, thinking that would shut him up 

- But no. He starts calling you Sherlock

- Wearing that stupid smirk as he says it

- Your meetings become more frequent and he always teases you about your job but its nothing more than that

- Until one day he realises you don’t actually have a house, you live in a car

- Because even though your job pays well, you move around a lot and most of you money goes to your sister so she can afford a house, and living with her may but her life at risk

- So he offered the spare bedroom in his apartment 

- He assures you he can take care of himself

- So you agree

- And slowly you adjust your life to be with him

- You take turns cooking at first and then it turns into a you cook whilst he cleans because he cannot cook

- And then he takes you on a date

- He’s a shy stuttering mess when he asks you on a date, nothing like the mischievous confident man you'd known

- It was adorable so you said yes

- Things went really well so you guys decided to date

- He is such a cuddler

- Secretly likes being the little spoon, or sleeping on your stomach because it makes him feel safe

- But also likes being the big spoon because he likes to feel like he’s protecting you

- You’re probably the cook as he can only make eggs

- And even tho “They’re great eggs Y/N,” they’re “Not a balanced diet Diego,”

- Patching him up when he’s on his nightly hero duty things

- If you have work in the morning you will leave cute notes around the house for him to wake up to, and he does the same for you when he works

- When he grows his hair out he secretly lets you braid it as long as you tell no one.

- Until Klaus find’s out and gets you to braid his hair too

- He cannot say no to you, so gets through the day of relentless teasing by his siblings when you painted his nails 

- It was worth it to see you smile

- Full on shouting at Reginald at the dinner table when he upset Diego because HOW DARE HE make your boyfriend stutter like that

- The other siblings looking at you in shock because you were the calm and reasonable one 

- He wouldn’t really get jealous because he trusted you, but can’t resist showing off the fact you’re his girlfriend when someone starts to flirt with you

- Okay maybe he is jealous

Allison Hargreeves 

- For some reason you are immune to her power

- You found this out when Reginald tried to forcefully recruit you to the academy when you were fifteen, using her power and you just responded “I don’t know where you heard that sunshine.”  before merrily skipping off.

- She was shook

- The two of you started meeting at Griddy’s donuts

- At first she wanted to know how you managed to get away

- But eventually she started to like you

- You were sassy and smart and didn’t put up with her shit

- This is probably why Five adored you so much - you two became best friends

- She always held your hand and often kissed it softly if you were deep in thought

- You taught her how to get people to do what you say without using her power

- Which meant you guys left with a lot of free stuff

- She always loved to show you off, PDA was something she had no problem with

- Much to the disgust of some of the siblings

- Being in the 60′s as a lesbian couple was difficult

- So you pretended to be cousins

- which was weird for both of you

- She would constantly buy extravagant gifts for you, especially when she had the money

- Despite the fact that in public you seem like the one in charge, she is 100% the big spoon

- She likes the feeling of feeling truly needed

Klaus Hargreeves

- You meet in the war, you’re the bar tender that introduced him to Dave

- The talk he had with you was very brief but he remembered your face

- So years later, when he went back to that same Bar once he got back from the past he was shocked to see you serving people having not aged a day

- At first he thought you just has really good genes you had passed on but you were identical to the way he remembered you

- The he thought he was seeing your ghost but he saw that you were interacting with others

- So he called you over

- You didn't seem shocked to see him but pleasantly surprised

- You explained that you had gotten in a bit of a pickle as you were picking up a suitcase from the commission so you could retire but Five blew the place up causing the suitcase to malfunction

- So you were stuck in a warzone until you figured out how to fix the case

- You also told Klaus to give his brother a slap when he next saw him

- He did, but Five was very pleased to see you as you were a good friend to him and knew how to help

- Anyways after a couple of soft drinks you and Klaus got to know each other better

- And after a while the two of you became an item and life just got better

Helping him remain sober

- Cuddles all the time because he is needy

- you guys shared clothes because neither if you give a fuck

- You show him other ways to get high without damaging his body

- like taking him skydiving or to a theme park

- you always listen to him

- And will shout at the siblings when they undermine Klaus

- You keep the ghosts at bay, and will often hold him when he sleeps so stop any nightmares

- However neither of you can cook

- which leads to you waltzing off to Allison’s house at three in the morning because she can cook

- She doesn’t mind though because she’s never seen her brother this happy when hes sober

- You are best friends with Ben, and can also see and hear him so like to talk shit about Klaus when he’s in the room

- He is a pro at forehead kisses

- He’ll wrap you in his arms and just lightly kiss your forehead

- Because you make him feel safe, so he returns the favour

Five Hargreeves

- You worked with the commission as an assassin and after a few weeks of Five being there, he was told that you would be his partner

- He was a little annoyed because that would mean he wouldn’t be able to work on the apocalypse on the job in case you told on him

- Then he met you and you were nothing like he expected

- He’d seen you train, seen you kill five men whilst barely moving and go after the most dangerous of people

- So why were you so nice?

-You were like a little ball of sunshine and he was Mr grumpy

- When you were informed that he had been alone for 45 years, Five thought you’d run away from him, scared that you were friends with a madman

- But instead you walked up to him and wrapped your arms around his waist

- At first he didn’t know how to respond but then he hugged you back

- And then you two became inseparable

- He wasn’t much into PDA especially when you got back to the Hargreaves siblings

- He didn’t want to be bullied

-But you loved affection

-So he compromised and the two of you would subtly lock pinkies

-But that was it

-Until you were alone

-Oh boy

- He needed coaxing at first because he’s socially awkward

- But he loves to be cuddled. He loves laying on your stomach, or holding you against his chest or wrapping his arms around your waist

- He’s a sucker for when you run your hands through his hair

- It makes him w e a k 

-When he’s working you’ll sit on his lap

- Because you want attention and he overworks himself

- You constantly look after him, making sure he drinks water and shit

- Because you cannot run on coffee alone

- The siblings become suspicious when they catch Five staring at you

- So they decided to spy on him

- And whilst they spied, they saw their mardy little brother dancing (Rather gracefully) around the Kitchen with you, both laughing as if there was no one else there

- Which tbf they didn’t think there was

- “They could just be working a case?” suggested Luther

- But that was quickly brushed aside when Five kissed you

- “Turns out the Hargreaves are capable of Love,” was all Klaus said although they were secretly thrilled at the fact you and Five were together.

Ben Hargreeves

- You were just a small town waitress 

- Working another long shift at your work, you saw two men come in, one rather skinny and hippie looking, and the other dressed in all black

- You’re a naturally sweet person so serving them with a smile wasn’t a problem

- But when you asked Ben what he wanted he just froze in shock

- After some explaining you decided to let the two guys stay at your apartment for a while, as they were lost anyway

- You all became super super close

- You helped Klaus become sober again

- And then you realised that not only could you see Ben, but you could make him physically there just by touching him

- You learnt this when you accidentally ran into him nearly knocking yourself out

- The Klaus was no longer the clingy one

-Ben was always touching you, not in a weird way just always brushing hands or wrapping himself around you

- He loved cuddles, just feeling warm for once

- He’d cuddle you no matter what, and if you had a tiring day at work he would be there to sweep you off your feet

- you made him feel alive again

- When he was touching you others could see him too

- which meant you automatically became the family favourite, after you helped Klaus, and then Ben

- Ben loves it when you read to him, it just calms him down

- His favourite thing to do is to sit in the park with you sat between his legs, lent against his chest listening to you read

- He wears the flower crowns you make with pride

- It takes ages to figure out why you can see him and make him real as you were actually a couple months younger than him

- Turns out you had died as a baby for exactly 108 seconds and that had left you with ties to both the physical world and the afterlife - and it was Mr Reginald Hargreeves who had saved you

- You were convinced he was an alien but the others disagreed

- You helped Ben not fear his power

- The guy is king of nose kisses. He just finds it really cute when you scrunch your nose, either in disgust or frustration or confusion

- You always kiss jawline, as if you’re snuggled together it’s often the only place you can reach

- Vanya is your best friend, you always invite her because she understands what it’s like to not know the extent of your own power

- Klaus is scared at first because he doesn’t want Ben to leave him although he would never admit it

- But then he realised he hadn’t lost a constant companion, he’d just gained another

- Ben loves to surprise you with cute simple things, like setting up a movie and hot chocolate, or picking out flowers he found at some point for you

- Dancing round the kitchen would be a daily thing

- You even got Five to join in 

- You make the best waffles so every morning all the siblings come to your house just to eat the waffles you make

- It’s like they are a family again, but this time they have you

Vanya Hargreeves

- She’s a bit iffy with personal contact

- It makes her a little nervous

- But you’re okay with that, she shows her love in other ways

- Like she’ll always make you tea in the mornings, or make sure you’re under the blanket before she sleeps because she knows you get cold

- You meet for the first time when you’re kids. The other siblings are saving everybody and ask you to stand with the others, because to them you’re just a civilian

- But when things start to go sideways, it’s you who helps them, using your powers of mental manipulation to make the bad guys visualise their worst fear

- Sir Hargreeves takes you in immediately, adopting you as Number Eight.

-The other kids felt bad for you when Reginald left you on your own, and it was Klaus who spoke

-”He’s not a good parent, he isn’t really here at all so I’m sorry if this wasn't what you were expecting,” but you were happy

“My real dad gave me this scar when he tried to stab me,” you replied with a little laugh “Ill take yours any day,”

-After that you and Vanya bonded over the fact you were both the black sheep of the family

- You always made sure she was included, and felt a bit bad that you weren’t a sibling but were often invited to more places than her

- During your teenage years you and Vanya clearly had something going on, so Reginald sent you away to France to study your powers

- It wasn’t until his death did you two see each other again

- It felt like you had never really left and things kicked off again

- But the Harold came along and told Vanya you were just as bad as the rest

- So she abandoned you

- You meet  for the third time in the 60′s, you’re staying with a married couple and their disabled son

- Vanya recognises you but she doesn’t know where from which breaks your heart slightly but it’s okay

- Because the more she spends time with you the more she falls in love with you

- She finally asks you to be her girlfriend

- Which you say yes

- Although she’s not big on affection, she loves it when you lay in her lap, it makes her feel trusted

- She loves to play the violin for you

- When she starts to grow used to affection, she loves it when you sleep all curled up beside her like a cat

- Or when you play with her hair

- Or kiss her cheek

- You make her feel like she’s valid and that’s all she ever wanted

[in-tua-deep]

20 for Vanya?

20. What-ifs/Alternate Timelines

I have a lot of what-ifs and alternate timelines for Vanya lmao, especially ones that prevent the apocalypse because I’m a sucker for a happy ending tbh

What if Vanya was included? Why not? Klaus’s powers weren’t useful for missions, Allison’s story for Claire was literally like “yeah Klaus got distracted by ghosts in the background lol” so it’s not like a kid without offensive powers couldn’t do it

you have rebellious Vanya aus, where she decides, like some neglected children do, so act out. If her father isn’t going to acknowledge anything good about her, she’s going to make him acknowledge the bad. Punishment might be the only time he pays attention to her, after all.

(let’s call this an au where the pills suppress her powers but not so much her emotions)

So you have an au where she sneaks out and joins the missions. She breaks into the mausoleum and picks Klaus up and stares her father down with a challenge in her eyes. 

Five vanishes, and Vanya gets worse. She plays her violin at 2 in the morning. She refuses to eat her broccoli. she teams up with diego to see who can piss dad off the most

(her and Diego actually get along very well in this sort of au, honestly)

Vanya gets out and plays the violin and gets angry. She plays with fury and fire and gets second chair, because Helen is actually really very good. But she makes Helen work for it. Helen isn’t secure in her position, she always knows that Vanya is a step away from taking it from her

and maybe that should make them enemies, but it doesn’t. They’re rivals. Helen respects the hell out of Vanya, and Vanya can’t help but admire the woman who makes the most difficult pieces look effortless

(RIVALS TO LOVERS: VIOLIN EDITION)

Vanya writes her book. Except she kicks down Diego’s boiler room door and is like “DIEGO”

“WHAT”

“I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW MUCH DAD FUCKING SUCKS”

“I’LL BE RIGHT THERE”

as one of the rebel kids, Vanya actually got along well with Klaus as well since she helped him sneak out and 100% also smoked at least some weed with him because it would piss off Reggie tbh though she didn’t get into the harder drugs like he did

(showing up absolutely plastered to breakfast when they were sixteen was hilarious even if the laps they had to run around the block were not)

anyway Klaus crashes at her apartment sometimes, with supervision, because she loves Klaus but he has a problem and has stolen from her before but he’s still her brother but regardless

Klaus-Diego-Vanya sleepovers where they brainstorm the book to shit talk their father. Honestly it’s kind of a blast. They all get super wine drunk and end up watching Mary Poppins together with some Very Loud Opinions about nannies in general tbh

klaus throwing popcorn at the screen: BOO WHY WAS OUR CHILDHOOD NOT A MUSICAL???

diego: idk if you can have cheery musicals about child soldiers

vanya: i mean if they can have a musical about child labor in factories and the starvation of the workers in oliver twist you could do something with child superheroes

klaus: EXACTLY thank you vanya

they publish the book (luther is uNHAPPY, vanya dedicates her book to ‘all my siblings who survived the Reginald Regime but especially those who didn’t’, and she gifts Reggie a copy that says “fuck you lol” and is signed by her, diego, and klaus), they continue living, they go to the funeral when reggie kicks the bucket

and then five shows up, feral and aching

and five tells vanya about the apocalypse, and vanya thinks about their father saying time travel messed with the mind, and then she thinks - fuck the old man he was wrong about her (ordinary, fuck that, she’s Vanya Fucking Hargreeves) and he was probably wrong about Five, too

and Five is wholeheartedly believed

“Let me call Diego,” Vanya says when Five tells her about the eye, “I bet he could totally wear a police uniform and get info about the eye. And if not, I’m absolutely sure Klaus could improvise a solution. He’s good at that.”

“Klaus??” Five asks, vaguely suspicious.

“We don’t talk about the Sleepover of 2012.” Vanya intones solemnly, and refuses to answer any further questions on the topic.

Harold Jenkins comes to the apartment and tries to woo Vanya or whatever, and Vanya is kind of like... “Look, Leonard. I can be your teacher for violin. It’s my job. But I am in a relationship. And also like, super gay. If you have a problem with that then I am not the teacher for you.”

Actually scratch Diego and Klaus getting called, which they do, Vanya looks at them and her thirteen year old brother and is like “wait. actually i know someone infinitely better to crack this case wide open.”

“Who?” Five, Klaus, and Diego all ask

“My girlfriend.” Vanya says proudly, called Helen up.

And Helen walks into the building like she’s at fucking war and has such demanding confidence that they just give her the information she seeks and apologize for inconveniencing her.

“Hey Vanya are we still on for date night tomorrow?” Helen casually asks after, and Five kind of wants to be her when he grows up honestly after watching her verbally eviscerate Lance or whatever the fuck his name is

“Yeah.” Vanya confirms, “Unless there’s other apocalypse stuff to do?”

“You take all the time you need, honey.” Helen says warmly, “After all the more time you take the less you have to practice.”

“I’m gonna destroy the concert piece and you know it.” Vanya threatens.

Helen sniffs, “Okay, whatever you say second chair.”

and then they kiss and Helen ditches and the others just kind of look at Vanya judgingly

“In fairness, she’s very hot and very talented.” Vanya defends herself.

Klaus nods sagely. Vanya nods back. He gets it. 

“Concert piece?” Diego asks, because he has priorities.

“Yeah, I’ve already asked for tickets for all of you and you will be attending Diego.” Vanya smiles prettily with all her teeth.

“When is it?” Five asks

“April 1st.” Vanya tells him, “And no that isn’t an April Fools joke. You will attend and you will marvel at my skill. And maybe run interference between Helen and Allison because I’m kind of afraid they’re going to rip each others throats out to establish dominance.”

“That’s the day of the apocalypse.” Five informs her.

“Not on my goddamn watch.” Vanya says, because her family will attend her fucking concert and they will make awkward small talk with her girlfriend and the fucking apocalypse has better lay down and get over itself because nothing can stop Vanya’s goddamn plans

“I can investigate Meritech more.” Diego offers, because Lance-or-whatever-his-name-is is clearly shady as shit, “I have police contacts I could go through. Hey Vanya, your concert tickets include a plus one?”

“They can.” Vanya shrugs.

“Sweet, let me see if Patch can come.”

“She’s way too good for you, bro.”

“Shut your goddamn mouth.”

Anyway the point is they all go home, and Diego goes to talk to his police contacts and Five is definitely at home for when Hazel and Cha-Cha attack the mansion, oops. 

“Whomst the FUCK.” Vanya yells, kicking Hazel in the crotch because she’s Vanya Fucking Hargreeves she knows self defense thank you very much

“Ah.” Five says. “Hazel. How’s it going.”

“Just peachy.” Hazel wheezes, “Why’d you betray the Commission?”

“Well, you know. They cut the dental. That was really the last straw.” Five says, sarcastically.

“The dental.” Hazel echoes back, nodding very seriously, “I fucking know. You know physical therapy isn’t even covered anymore?”

“No shit?” Five says, “I mean you’d think with a job as physical as ours...”

“I know.” Hazel howls, vindicated. 

“Five.” Vanya says, rolling her eyes, “The house?”

“Oh, right.” Five frowns, looking at Hazel, “I mean. Can you like, leave? And not come back?”

“‘Fraid not.” Hazel actually sounds somewhat apologetic, “You know what the Commission is like. They’re really gunning for you.”

Five nods, because really what did he expect, “Can you leave like, temporarily? I mean you’d pretty clearly outnumbered. I don’t even know where Cha-Cha is, but judging by the furious yelling she probably met our sister and brother and Luther is hard to kill. Trust me, if he wasn’t we would have killed him when we were like, eight. But for real, can you get out of our house? I mean. Storming the den? Seriously? What kind of information did they even give you?”

“They didn’t give us any information.” Hazel responds back, sounding appropriately outraged, “They didn’t even tell us you could teleport.”

“Well that’s just rude. You’d think they wanted you dead or something.” Five muses, “But seriously, get out of my house.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.” Hazel admits, and leaves, because honestly Hazel is chill like that and knows when he’s lost. And Hazel also has a lot to think about. Like the fact that the Commission sucks and doesn’t even have dental, and how pretty the donut lady is. 

and Vanya is just like... okay. Weird. Is that going to happen again? Probably? I mean. Okay, this day has already been so goddamn weird. This week, honestly.

And they keep getting attacked by the Commission. And Vanya finds out someone broke into her apartment and stole her meds. What the fuck. 

“Did your shitty assassin friends do this?” Vanya asks, waving an empty pill bottle.

“Why would they?” Five asks, honestly confused.

“Because they’re assholes?” Vanya says, honestly outraged.

“You got me there.” Five admits.

The combined forces of Diego-and-Patch (because Patch is actually thrilled that Diego is asking for help regarding an actual fucking crime) figure out that the eyeballs are being sold illegally

Klaus is not kidnapped so he’s fine, just tagging along and living his best life, however this also means that Klaus does not steal the briefcase and Hazel and Cha-Cha are fine

Vanya keeps Five close at hand because frankly she doesn’t want him to leave again and she did really miss him. Also if she does save the world she can lord it over Helen’s head forever. 

And so Five is around when Vanya’s powers manifest, probably because they just got targeted by commission goons again because they’re trying real hard to kill five and separate Vanya

“Holy SHIT.” Five says, very intelligently, “You have POWERS.”

“Wow. Gonna have to write a fucking sequel to the shit-talking-dad book.” Vanya says, honestly a little light headed.

And then Vanya finds out her powers are sound based.

“Oh no.” Vanya says, “Where the fuck are my pills. I am not relearning how to play the violin with-powers a few days before the big concert Five, what the fuck.”

“But you need to learn to control them!” Five protests, “They’re your powers!”

“They’re a goddamn inconvenience is what they are.” Vanya states, “I mean, what am I going to do with them? Stop a bank robbery with the Umbrella Academy? Yeah, no thanks, that ship has sailed and sunk to the bottom of the ocean Titanic style. I’ll figure them out when I’m not in danger of blasting the audience halfway across the continent.”

“Yeah.” Five admits, “That’s fair.”

“Besides, if I’ve been on that shit as long as I have, and it’s been a long time, I cannot even IMAGINE what quitting cold turkey will do.” Vanya points out, very sensibly, like a siblings who has watched Klaus go through withdrawal symptoms more than once.

“Maybe there’s extra at the manor?” Five suggests, “Pogo probably knows.”

“Oh yeah I bet Pogo knows something.” Vanya mutters maybe a little bitterly.

They go back to the mansion and the Commission is honestly pulling their hair out tbh, and they ask Pogo who kind of pales and is like “UHHHH YES I CAN GET VANYA EXTRA PILLS” and goes to get them from whatever stash

“Fucking sweet.” Vanya whispers, entirely done with this situation, “The only adult male role model I had and he hid my powers from me and betrayed me. Love that for us.”

Five shrugs, “I mean, you’re right. All of our adult role models were all kinds of fucked up.”

“You vanished when we were 13.” Vanya says, “Didn’t you find like, any other adults ever?”

“Oh let me tell you about the Handler.” Five says, and proceeds to do just that. Because let’s be real, the Handler was the only human interaction Five had after forty odd years alone it was pretty damn important

Vanya, on the other hand, has strong plans to eviscerate the Handler should the two ever meet because Five deserved way better than to be forcibly made into an assassin?? honestly fuck that woman

that’s it that’s the au

Vanya finds out she has powers and is like “i have a LIFE i don’t want to interrupt it with bullshit POWERS,,, also going cold turkey off my meds seems like a bad idea if I don’t want to deal with withdrawal symptoms during my concert for fucks sake, my gf would never let me live it down if i skipped”

so vanya takes her meds, does NOT destroy the world, makes every one of her siblings go to the concert and even invites Hazel and Agnes after Hazel betrays Cha-Cha to join team No-Apocalypse. 

and then introduces them all to her girlfriend

“Holy shit Vanya.” Helen deadpans, “Your family is all kinds of fucked up.”

“I know.” Vanya says, aggrieved, “It’s been a long fucking week. Want to go camping and help me figure out my cool sound based powers? Bet they’ll make me a better violin player than you.”

“I think the fuck not.” Helen hisses, always up for a challenge, “Let’s do this. Me and my violin vs. you and your dumb baby powers. You’re on.”

“FAMILY CAMPING TRIP.” Klaus hollers, with all the enthusiasm in his little heart.

“Holy shit this is going to be such a disaster, I just know it.” Diego mutters.

“Shut up, it’ll be nice.” Allison says, elbowing Diego with her pointy pointy elbows.

“It’s going to be a shitshow.” Vanya says serenely, because it is. That’s just who their family is. 

Wouldn’t have it any other way, though

[artaelyn]

it's been so long since i watched umbrella academy but ya know that one scene where 5 just like kills everyone in the commission while that upbeat song plays??? anyways i love that scene, it was so much fun to watch!! any scenes you that you wanna talk about?? (o ^▽^)o☆

HHSJSHSKSNSKSNSM that scene was funny ngl. I love all the scenes with upbeat music that does not match what is happening. And yes!! Aaaaah my favorite scene through all the show is when Luther, Vanya, Allison, Diego, and Klaus are all dancing in their own ways. Like, it’s so nice seeing how unique each of them is!! It makes it feel so much more real or something. And I love how Diego goes through the trouble of making sure no one walks in on him ( honestly I’d have to do the same lol)

OHH there’s so much I wanna talk about!! Mmm. I love Diego's relationship with their mom. It’s just great, it makes me so happy they have a special bond!! Oh oh oh and that part where Diego offers to give some of his blood to Allison and acts all tough about it but then passes out immediately when he sees the needle. That is the moment I decided he’s my favorite lol

I’m scattered everywhere but!! Agnes and Hazel!! They deserve all the happiness ever!! (And I’m glad they got to spend a good amount of time together). I’m also glad Hazel and Cha-Cha stopped wearing those creepy bear and bunny mask things. GAHHH THERES SO MUCH I WANNA SAY!! Uhm! When they go into the past!! Allison's husband! I forget his name but I’m SO happy they found each other!!!

OH OH! Dave!!! Dave and Klaus!! MADE ME CRY!!! I’m very upset about what happened to Dave. He was so great! I wish he and Klaus got to spend more time together. SPEAKING OF KLAUS! he and Diego also have a fun dynamic! I love them hehe

Delores. She unsettles me. I don’t like that whole thing with Five and Delores, but I feel like it was kinda a Calvin and Hobbes thing where only the one person sees the inanimate object as a living being which makes it.. slightly less weird? I think? I don’t know why that was a Segway for my brain to start talking about the weird lady with issues. The one with the white hair that kinda looks like someone from Wonderland or 101 Dalmatians or something. I do not like her. She swallowed a fish. Also has no boundaries when it comes to privacy in the bathroom. Don’t get me STARTED on her job-

KLAUUUSSSSSS Klaus the beloved!! :( he just makes me sad. I love him. So does my mom. I just want him to be happy. I want him to have Dave back in his life. :((( but also he’s very funny and reminds me a bit of one of my irls now that I think about it!

Vanya. Hmm, well, I like her! Don’t get me wrong! But… hm. Also they changed the credits for Elliot Page! :D which I think is awesome! Allison is my favorite sister, sorry Vanya sjshsmsnsksh

Lutherrrrr! He makes me sad sometimes. He is just a sad guy. He deserved way better from their dad. Like honestly. He went to the moon for him and FOR WHAT? nothing! That’s what!! A distraction at most! A purpose or something!

Is this getting long? I can’t tell. ANYWAYS!

Ben!! Ben the beloved!! Ben my little ace man! Little baby man! Honestly, I just wanna hug him & hold him. I’m appointing myself role of human mom for these guys. Idc if they’re adults and I’m a teenager IM THEIR SECOND MOM NOW! BEN!! The flashback when he goes into that room saying “I didn’t sign up for this..” and comes out drenched in blood and just says “can we go home now?” HUG!! I HUG HIM!! Oh my gods he’s just adorable. Also funny! When Klaus was gambling or betting I don’t remember and he “calls upon the spirits” or something and Ben appears for a moment before saying something like “nah, I’m good” and disappearing again.

Allison's so pretty. And tragic. THESE KIDS CAN NEVER CATCH A BREAK, CAN THEY!! I love her. She deserves better.

Mmm this is getting long but real quick before I stop writing, Five's smile. That unsettling one, y’know? Like, his innocent kid smile but really he’s old and sarcastic and it’s just hilarious. His comments and stuff- he’s really witty and funny. “That’s one badass stapler!” Is one of my favorite lines

AAAA I NEED TO STOP TYPING BUT POGO!! I love him as well!! Ok I should seriously stop now.

MMM thank you so much for the ask!! :D

CRAP I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT THE MUSIC!! THE MUSIC IS AMAZING LIKE ACTUALLY!! Ok ok I’m done now byeeee

[samwritesforyou]

Booked (pt.2)

Summary: you decided to go grocery shopping since the amount of people in your house significantly grew and diego keeps you company. after that crazy hargreeves family prompts you for a beach trip?

Warnings: gender-neutral reader

Wordcount: 2.1k

A/N: this fic is making me feel things, i cant quite place it. like... whenever i write it i feel weirdly at home?? idk :D feel free to share your thoughts either in tags or comments! its Very appreciated and motivating, actually! have a lovely day! <3

part one can be found here!

“Okay but if we kill them, nobody will have any questions, will they? We just bought a house and they moved somewhere far away!” was the first thing you heard, as you have awakened from your “nap”, deciding to keep your eyes shut just for a moment longer, not to lose it again.

“Five!” seems like everyone else said that in unison, grunting and groaning.

Okay, they don’t want to kill you. That’s great. You think it’s safe to open your eyes now.

You were laying on the king-sized bed upstairs, all siblings huddled up around you, watching intensely.

All the chatter between them came to a stop when they noticed that you woke up.

“So.. you’re like all superheroes or something?” you said tiredly, despite feeling rested.

Your mind still felt fuzzy from that info, hearing about such thing only from the tv series or sci-fi genres.

“Guess so,” Luther piped up, shrugging his massive shoulders and offering you a small smile.

Your eyes slowly drifted towards the kid standing by the frame of the bed, wearing a serious expression.

He sighed and frowned at you.

“To be clear, I’m not a kid and I’m actually older than all of you here. I’m a time traveller and I witnessed more in my life than any of you,” his passive-aggressiveness was directed at you, but by the choice of words it felt like he was talking to everyone who was present in the room, “There’s going to be an apocalypse by the end of the summer and our job is to stop it. We failed once, but we won’t fail twice. We rented this house, thinking it would be a good place where we can practise our powers without anyone interfering with us, so please,” his face turned into an exaggerated, wide smile, “don’t get in our way nor mention it to anybody. Thank you,” and as he finished his angry monologue, the blue colour filled the space around him as he disappeared in the thin air, right in front of your eyes.

Hm. Okay?

Only two seconds passed after that, when another sibling started talking to you.

“And I can talk with the dead!” he said happily, spreading his hands in the air like so monk preaching.

“We have a dead brother who’s named Ben and one day I will definitely let you two meet once I learn how to properly conjure him,” he concluded, very pleased with himself.

“Hi, Ben,” you just said with a warm smile on your face, somewhere into the air next to Klaus.

He literally cooed at your action, coming over to you and giving you a quick hug with a pat on the back.

“Okay, maybe we can reveal all our powers later, but let’s leave (y/n) to rest a bit, alright?” Allison proposed, rushing everyone out of the room and then just sparing you a wave and an apologetic smile, closing the doors and leaving you alone.

Maybe you can get used to all this madness. To this family.

You really rested after that.

A room had a roof-window, so laying on that bed allowed you to look up at the sky and lazy, white clouds that every so often rolled along with the blue background.

Soon enough you heard muffled chatter downstairs, this old house being absolutely the worst in being soundproof.

It all reminded you of simpler times, actually, no matter the crazy circumstances.

But enough was enough, and closer to the middle of the day you managed to get out of the bed and descend to the first floor by the wooden stairs, looking around.

Suddenly it seemed quiet.

You shrugged at that and just made your way towards the door, energetically jumping down the few stairs from the veranda and felt your feet hit the hard tartan surface.

Since it was six (plus one spiritually) more people than you were used to having in your home, you decided it was only logical for you to go and buy more food into the local store.

You almost reached the gate to go outside of your property as you heard some fast steps behind you, catching up to you.

When you turned around, you saw a man with longer hair and almost expression on his face.

“Uh... hey, you’re going somewhere?” he asked, brushing the back of his neck.

“To the market, why?” you asked, tilting your head sideways at him.

“Well.. don’t laugh, but I wanted to jog a little, but got concerned that I might get lost..” the end of his sentence was almost inaudible already as he lowered his voice, “so.. mind keeping me company?”

That kind of surprised you and as you slowly realised the meaning of the said words that came out of his mouth you bit the inside of your right cheek *hard*, just not to laugh.

What a silly guy. Getting lost in this hole?

But sure, why not keep him company.

“Be sure to catch up with me though,” you teased as you basically broke into the run, opening the gate and hopping straight onto your bike and starting pedalling really hard to get as far away from him, finally bursting out laughing at the significant distance.

“What?!” was the only thing you heard from him and then you felt the breeze from the hot summer air caressing your cheeks as you were passing your neighbours in the well-known road.

“You seem happier than usual today, darling!” some granny said to you from her garden and you just waved in reply with a huge grin plastered on your face.

After spending last years of your youth more or less alone, you couldn’t even phantom the thought of people your age living with you for the eternity of one summer.

You could never complain about a life you had here, it was all you ever wanted, but the connection with the people of the similar age to you was really lacking sometimes.

And the absolute joy that was washing over you right now was the witness.

You slowed your pace after some time, pretty soon being followed by jogging Diego, beads of sweat rolling down his muscular hands.

Your gaze lingered for a second longer than necessary and you quickly tore it away from him, a slight blush creeping on your cheeks as you now looked straight ahead of you at the road.

“I’m not the best runner, but also not the worst, hun,” he said between the breaths as you continued your ride/walk and you just smiled.

“Pretty decent, I’d say,” you finally stopped at the market’s “parking lot” where there were two spaces for cars and at least a dozen of handles for bikes.

You put yours into one of them, not even bothering to lock it. Everyone knows each other here and everyone knows you.

A young person in the village mostly consisted of people in retirement.

“Alright, what do we have here,” said Diego as he followed you into the store that reminded him of something out of the 70s, really old school design and brands that he never heard of before.

“Everything is mostly homemade here,” you answered, making your way towards the fridge with cold drinks, opening it and throwing him a cola can, “except these bad boys.”

“Hell yeah,” he smirked and then looked around, but his gaze kind of kept wandering back at you, while you were too busy picking the right type and amount of groceries.

Why would you live here all by your lonesome?

“So..” you finally heard him say, as you checked out and we’re both putting the groceries into the deep basket on your bike, “you seem pretty chill with us being.. abnormal.”

You briefly looked up at him when your fingers accidentally touched between the cans of soda and glasses of milk and then your hand moved the other way, eyes too.

“Well.. who’s to say what’s normal and what’s not in this world, honestly?” you jumped on your seat when you were done with loading and started your ride back.

“I know,” he agreed, jogging way less intensely now as your pace appeared much slower, “but seven siblings all having some weird shit powers is... kind of crazy, don’t you think?”

That made you nod, “Yes, of course. But still, I’m not too baffled about this. What are the odds that a village person like me would even get into a situation like this?” you asked rhetorically, gaze fixed on the rocky-sandy road ahead, “You should accept life as it is! Confusion and denial are a waste of time,” you concluded and extended your left hand as you were driving past an apple tree and managed to rip two fruits at the same time, offering one to Diego - all while still riding a bike.

“I have my superpowers too,” you laughed a little and winked at him, making him flustered as he tried to hide it by biting into his apple.

.

.

“What do we have here?” Klaus welcomed both of you at the entrance to the summer house, topless and in a skirt.

“We just bought some groceries since we’re capable of eating the whole fridge out in a day,” Diego deadpanned as he - despite your protests - unloaded your bike storage and went into the house to put the bags there, his arms showing extra muscle that’s normally hidden when his body is relaxed.

Your stare lingered for longer than necessary and Klaus *definitely* picked upon that.

“Darling, if you want to get Diego, be a bit more straightforward with him. He’s a dum-dum,” with the last word he knocked on his own head with a finger and rolled his eyes, giggling playfully afterwards and smacking you on the shoulder.

You defensively did the same, blushing and looking anywhere but at Diego nor Klaus.

Hmmmm, such interesting trees you’re having at your own garden all of the sudden.

“But hey, we’ve all decided that before we start training for the inevitable doom of us all, we would take a break for at least a few days and just go to the beach. When we were coming up we noticed the sea behind all the forests, like.. four kilometres from here?” he looked at you with question, “Have you ever been to the beaches there? Could you guide us?”

You gave it thought only for a brief second and then nodded with a confident smile.

“Sure! I haven’t been there in a year or two but the beaches are still the same, I bet,” you answered and put your hands on hips in a cool posture.

“Thank god!” he impulsively hugged you and let go that instant, “otherwise Five said he wouldn’t let you go with us,” he pouted and then sighed, making his way towards their rusty turquoise-ish car.

You followed him, his words piquing your interest.

“Why does he hate me so much? And why is his name Five?” you narrowed your eyes, plopping yourself on the front seat and sat sideways so you could look at Klaus while talking to him.

“Well, darling...” he started, animatedly throwing his arms in the air, “Five was always a strict man, especially after he came from the future, where he spent like billion years and now he’s 50 year old and always shoves this fact into our young baby faces,” he clearly complained and with annoyed expression continued, “and he’s Five because my name is “officially” Four, but Five was the only one of us who disappeared from the house before our dad even bothered to give us names instead of numbers,” he finished but then remembered and continued, “Actually, it was our AI robotic mom Grace who gave us names,” now he was finished, from somewhere materialising a bottle in his hand and taking a sip from it.

“Anyways, beach trip, babeyyyy!”

“Huh..” you just blinked a few times at him as you heard a hoard of different voices going your way.

You wanted to get out of the car to let them sit however they wanted - you were the odd one out after all - but then they all hoarded in there so quickly that you couldn’t even react, being left in the front seat.

Driver’s seat next to you was empty for now.

As you looked back, Klaus was sitting right behind you, next to him Vanya and on the other side Diego, looking out the window.

Behind them was supposed to be a storage area but they apparently turned it into some diy seats as well, Luther and Allison sitting there, not minding the small space.

Soon the blue sort-of-teleport appeared next to you at the driver’s place and Five briefly threw his gaze at you, swiftly starting the car.

The whole inside of the vehicle roared and you were on your way towards the beach, with you as a main gps they had.

Lovely taglist: @radcloudenthusiast @spacenerdpascal @white-wolf-buckaroo @a-girl-who-loves-disney  @undead--ghost​

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[slidewhistlebj]

TUA Season 2 is finally here! I think it was a really cool season with some really awesome potential, but there are some parts that I think really didn’t work and this is how i think they should have been fixed

(Spoilers for Season 2 of the Umbrella Academy. Obviously)

i think landing the siblings in different years was amazing, they got time to explore themselves and we could see their personalities through what they did

On the other hand, they didnt devote enough time to those storylines so it never felt like they had a solid purpose (for most of the siblings), it was more to show “time has passed”

How did Luther end up boxing under a gangster? How is he adjusting to no dad, no academy?? He was alone on the moon, He was left behind by his siblings in the academy, now he is alone and in a whole other *time* like i wanna hear about that!

Klaus has mansion and a cult and had a girlfriend benefactor lady?? Like: lets get into that! if the show wants humor that can be amazing

but it can also be really interesting and deep for exploring klaus’s need for both personal space (physically and somewhat emotionally) yet also his need for positive attention from whoever will give it to him!

More on that alone now track: the opening scene with their fighting was built to get us hyped

it fucking worked, that shit was amazing

but along with wishing that we saw more of their individual stories, i wish some of their growth had been gradual

like Klaus should have been showing off ghost stuff with his cult which is part of why they follow him which would set up his new ability to summon and conjure multiple ghosts at a time

instead of it being a throw away scene at the end where he gets caught

or Diego could have been shown in his ‘alone in dallas’ storyline to be trying to escape multiple times from the asylum and in that, figuring out his ability to start affecting other peoples shots at him, etc

Stuff like that would have been a great way to both dive into the characters *and* ramp up their abilities

Moving onto The Commission who i absolutely love so so much 

Hell yeah u funky lil time-space assassins

I think that the Handler should have stayed dead

her return to the show while awesome (because she is played so well by her actress) continues this problem for the show of seemingly running in place where things dont have consequences like they should

I also think her return made a very campy feel to certain parts which is fine, the story should have fun! but it doesnt fit with the vibe very well with the other more serious plots

Imagine a storyline where the Handler is replaced by Carmichael, a competent replacement with no close personal relationship to Five

A head to head show down throughout the season of Five trying to outthink and outwit Carmichael and Commission Agents to get a briefcase 

The misdirects! 

The drama! 

The action sequences and reveals!

More Screen Time for the Cool Ass Talking Fish 2k20!

All of which culminates in the board of directors scene but now with real weight behind it for the audience because we have been watching these two face off with one another for a season of build up

LET FIVE EAT THE FISH!

Giving that scene to the handler was the worst part of the whole season, u cant change my mind bros

This would also open up Lila to be more of her own person

Her storyline would change without the Handler there so that instead of being actively manipulated by the Handler, she has gone rogue from the commission to kill Five for her parents deaths due to previous planning and programming from her mother

(its only been 14 days for Five, a very normal turn around for him to desert, have the Handler tell Lila her version of the story, get killed, and have Lila get ready to take him down)

its generally the same plot, but Lila is more in the drivers seat

Going from tagging along with Diego in the hopes that Five returns for him to questioning some of her commitment to her mission as she spending time with them, etc

it could culminate in a reveal of her mother to Five and Diego and then a redemption where she helps them get a case from Carmichael in someway, looping her into the main plot in an important way with generally the same story

but skipping the pretty basic “obviously evil character is obviously evil but hero doesn't see it” trope that they fell into

I think that Luther’s arc in this season was awesome 10/10 gold standard

he was still him, but this storyline showcases the softer side of his loyalty and lets him grow from season 1 mistakes which is everything I hoped for

Comforting Vanya? Check

Being there for Five? Check

Being a voice of reason but still being a dumbass? Cheeeeeck

Diegos arc this season fell flat for me which was hard because he was such a main part of the plot 

This whole season had a build-up trying to break down Diego’s need to be a hero (which they turned to a fucking 11 from last season?? he was not *this* intense last season, im not quite sure why they made the switch), telling him that he isnt / cant be the hero

I assumed this was leading to Diego having a big moment or sacrifice that proved that hero or not, he cares and the effort that he puts into all of these different things matters

But it just didnt??

He didnt stop the president from being assassinated, he didnt save vanya, at the farm he got trapped under a tractor

it just felt like the point was “haha see he isnt a hero”

which,,,,,,okay? What the point of that??

His involvement with the Commision was weird too, i didnt care for him being a part of that storyline very much, it just didnt add anything

Allison’s arc was just on the edge of greatness for me

it was an awesome choice to put in her in a position where she wasnt treated equally and show exactly what kind of person she is by how she fights back

her not using her rumors also seems very genuine and character based here like: 10/10 character motivations and work

My one complaint, like with just about all the partners in this season, is that she fell in love with a man and just had to leave him 

which makes sense and they talk about it but like: she loves him, its hard to picture someone as loving and loyal as Allison just leaving her husband behind forever 

Klaus’s arc just needed more *time*

He is a hella deep character but all of his story lines needed more time to be able to address that complexity 

Show us more of the cult and his ghost powers being used there to trick and amaze and how he has been handling being cut off from the family again

I,,,,,,I understand,,,dave’s storyline

I get the time period

but fuck

that just hurts

I think Klaus not trying to rekindle his relationship with a younger Dave, but trying to protect him from the war was an amazing angle and it needed more time to get the full punch of klaus pulling out all the stops to save him but failing to really land it

Five

My Son

My Trash Boy

I feel like his job as ‘leader of the stop the apocalypse’ movement is good but that was his whole story this time around

He should have gotten more to play off of with the Commission (*cough cough* Carmichael) in his fight to get a briefcase instead of what felt like 10 hours of Five trying to herd his siblings and them just fucking up in someway or another

Five and Older Five was a cool dynamic and im glad they brought him in but again, it just felt like another long storyline attempt that didnt have a purpose as they ended the scene without the case or anything new

Ben’s arc was,,,,,strange

I love Ben and i think his interplay with Klaus is really cool!

But the writers made him fall in love which someone so they could give him a reason to want to possess Klaus which i feel like didnt need to happen

The possession was a good part of the season and could have been taken to some awesome places

It was rough and the ‘consent’ wasnt run entirely well but i think the possession is supposed to be on the line and not quite black and white 

its Ben asking to take control of Klaus! That can be conflict! Thats good stuff right there! Ben is selfish! so is Klaus! thats a cool story to get into between them and see how they try to work it out

Ben wanting to connect with his other siblings after the small taste of being corporeal that he got and pushing Klaus for more and more of that freedom into possession territory would be A+ shit

and Finally: Vanya!

I think most amnesia plots are lazy and just a way to stall progress and reset a character so you can run a very similar plot again but this one seemed to genuinely grow Vanya’s character, even when she remembered 

She definitely has more personality in this season

And while shes quiet, thats just who she is, she isnt as afraid to take space and speak up which is awesome!

And this stays when she gets her memory back which is very good, i dont want to see backsliding for no reason! Give me growth!

I have two complaints about her storyline though

 First Sissy and Harlan

I love both of them and I think they are really cool characters!

Theyre pretty similar to vanya season 1, taking whatever is thrown at them which places Vanya in a more assertive position where she wants to protect them which i loved!

but their ending doesn't sit entirely right with me, just like Raymonds

These characters are in love and they all just leave each other so that the siblings can have a clean, no characters permanently added slate for the next season

it just makes me tired and i really want season 3 to have little to no romance if the only way the show can go about it is to do a love interest per season

My second problem gets its own section because it is the culmination of everything else i have said 

episode ten

Vanya is strong af so any writer that wants big final fight needs to very carefully weigh out how to give each sibling their appropriately sized struggle so they get equal ability to contribute

Instead of doing that though, they did my least favorite trope: Evil Character secretly can do everything the heros can but better and without a problem or ***training***

It meant that they could do whatever they wanted with throwing commission agents at them because Luther, Allison, and Klaus were completely added on just to react to things

Five sort of got to do some fighting (<3 thats my lil geriatric 13 year old) but it was minor, he was mainly there to very obviously turn back time when the big bad shoot out happened

Diego got the most to do out of the siblings and it was suddenly knowing a new ability and doing it a little bit

I dont want a final fight to be trying to woo a bad guy to the good side because theyre too strong to fight 

I want there to be stakes and drama as the siblings show off exactly what the season was all about, what they learned, how they grew together and apart, etc and to take down the big bad which could have very easily been the united front of the Commission instead of 18% Vanya, 15% Harlan, 30% Lila and the Handler, 20% the Swede(s), etc

Lila’s turn to good could have been to help them sneak attack the commission, maybe in their base so as to shrink the fighting to manageable bites for each character?

That would have allowed five’s killing of the board to draw the fighting to a close, a hard decision for him as he is trying to move away from killing but does so to save his family, always to save his family :’( 

Luther could protect his siblings from hits like they showed at the beginning in a way that mirrors how he has been doing that emotionally all season

etc etc etc for all of the siblings so that they each get to show off and have their moment in the spotlight as heros

I loved the season even though i just ranted for like 3 pages, and it has some of the best one liners and line readings ever (”Thats where you come in Five” “Nope. No it isnt”) I just wish that some parts of it had been given some more thought / care so they could really show of the amazing cast, effects, sets, etc without writing in the way

[yeah-klave]

Play me

Summary: Klaus is uptight and nervous so Dave offers to finger the stress out of him. 

Genre: Smut.

A/N: This is set in a Dave Didn’t Die AU. He and Klaus made it back to 2019 (somehow) where they’re now living happily ever after.

Word length: 1.8k

Warning: Adult content (18+ only please), hand jobs, anal fingering and mentions of Reggie’s sub-par parenting.

Requested: Yes (The same request for a dialogue drabble came through twice, so I decided to write this one out in full.)

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of The Umbrella Academy characters or settings.

*****************************************************

Klaus paced up and down the living room.

“I can’t believe I let Luther talk me into going to this stupid ‘meet the significant others’ dinner with dad.” Klaus exclaimed for perhaps the tenth time.

From his place on the sofa, Dave looked over the top of his book and watched Klaus pacing, pulling at his long hair distractedly.

Dave decided to bait him. “Are you really that embarrassed about introducing me to your father?”

Klaus turned to him, and with a deadpan expression replied, “Yes, absolutely. I’m embarrassed at the idea of introducing my handsome, intelligent, polite, kind, generous, all round much-better-than-I-deserve boyfriend to my sorry excuse of a father.” He paused for a second, a mock thoughtful expression on his face, then added, “Oh, no, wait!”

Dave grinned, “Well, I don’t see what all the fuss is about then.”

Klaus sighed and waved his arms dramatically.

“Dav-veuh,” he whined. “I’m not embarrassed about you! I’m embarrassed about him!”

“Well, still,” Dave added calmly. “I don’t see why you’re getting your frilly little panties in a bunch.” He caught Klaus’ eye and winked. “We both know you look much prettier in them then they’re un-bunched.”

“But… but…” Klaus spluttered, waving his arms and resuming his pacing. “But he’s so… mean! And he’s always – always – pointing out all my flaws and failings and weaknesses…”

“Klaus, sweetheart, you know I don’t care what he says, right? Nothing anybody could say would be able to change how I feel about you. I already know about all your weird shit and I’m still here. ” Dave paused, then added, “Also, you don’t have any flaws!” He caught Klaus’ eye again and raised an eyebrow, “Maybe a few… personality quirks. But you already know I love all of them. So there.” He smiled sweetly.

Klaus paused. “Oh, Davey,” he said forlornly, tilting his head to the side and looking at him with pity and affection in his large, green eyes. “You’re just too nice to be allowed. He’s going to eat you alive.”

Dave barked a laugh and Klaus huffed and continued pacing, tugging at his hair and muttering to himself. Dave caught a few phrases: no idea what he’s letting himself in for… stupid Luther and his stupid paternal approval issues… not even hungry anyway…

Dave sighed and shook his head fondly. “Klaus, sugarplum, you’re getting stuck in your head again. Come back to me please.”

Klaus wheeled around again and exclaimed in frustration, “Dave! I’m about to lead you into the lion’s den and you don’t even seem to care! It’s kind of hard not to get stuck in my head right now!”

Dave nodded, thinking, then added slowly, “Well, do you think, before we go to the lion’s den… I was just wondering… Do you need me to finger you first?”

Klaus froze, blinking rapidly.

Dave carried on. “You just seem so tense and wound up. And I can’t imagine that’s the best mindset to have going into this dinner. So… it just sounds to me like… like you could use a good fingering.”

Klaus blinked again. “Well that escalated quickly.”

Dave grinned and gave a laugh. “Yep.” He said, popping the p. “Now grab the lube, drop you pants and come and sit here,” he said, patting his lap.

Klaus swallowed and meekly went to retrieve the lube from their bedroom. Dave grinned again, cracked his knuckles and spread his legs.

When Klaus returned with the bottle, he still looked a bit dazed, but as instructed, unzipped his flies and wiggled out of his tight, leather pants. He carefully placed one knee of either side of Dave’s hips, his pale thighs pressing into the denim of Dave’s jeans and delicately lowered himself into Dave’s lap.

Dave smiled again, placed his hands on the jut Klaus’ thin hips and leaned up, nuzzling their noses together. He caught Klaus’s mouth and kissed him softly, a sweet press and slide of lips. He ran his hands up Klaus’ sides, following the curve of his narrow waist until Klaus stopped holding himself quite so stiffly and melted into Dave’s arms. He opened his mouth and allowed Dave to push his tongue inside, setting off little frissons of pleasure up and down his spine. Klaus sighed into Dave’s mouth.

“See,” Dave said against Klaus’ lips. “Already much better. And we haven’t even really got going yet.” He tenderly brought one hand up to gently cup the side of Klaus’ face, brushing a thumb lovingly across one cheek. “Now, just sit back, relax, and try not to think about anything. I’m going to finger the stress right out of you.”

“You shouldn’t be able to make that sound sexy,” Klaus sighed, “but somehow you just did.” He leaned forwards, wrapped his arms around Dave’s shoulders and nuzzled his face into the crook of Dave’s neck, arching his back slightly to give Dave better access. Dave pressed a kiss to the top of Klaus’ head. He reached over, squeezed some lube onto his fingers, then reached his hand down between their bodies and with one fingertip gently started rubbing over Klaus’ hole.

Klaus gave a drawn-out sigh. ��Oh God, you’re going to be a massive tease and draw this right out, aren’t you?” His exasperated voice was slightly muffled, but Dave could feel him smiling against his neck.

“You bet,” Dave smiled. “I am absolutely going to worship my favourite little rosebud.”

“Ridiculous romantic,” Klaus murmured.

“Klaus, sweetheart, I was talking about your asshole,” Dave grinned, and Klaus snorted a laugh.

Dave kept up the gently forwards and backwards rubbing over Klaus’ entrance, then switched up the motion and rubbed gently from left to right. Klaus sighed and threaded his fingers through the hair at the nape of Dave’s neck. Dave slowly started circling his finger around the rim. Klaus gave a little hum of pleasure, his cock now a hard press between them.

Dave continued with the teasing touches until Klaus was shifting restlessly in his lap, his hips twitching, desperately chasing more sensation. Dave took his hand away and Klaus whined in displeasure. Dave quickly reapplied lube to his fingers then brought his hand back down and slowly eased one finger inside and stopped moving. Klaus held his breath as Dave pushed inside, and once his finger was all the way in, let the breath out in a long, deep sigh. He arched his back luxuriously and let out a little hum of pleasure as it shifted Dave’s finger inside him. Dave gently pulled his finger almost all the way out, then slowly pushed it back in again.

“Mmm, Dave,” Klaus breathed into his neck.

Dave began pushing his finger in and out at a maddening slow pace.

“Oh, more please,” Klaus sighed.

On the next withdraw, Dave pulled all the way out and added a second finger to the next inward push. Klaus groaned again and shifted his hips.

After a few thrusts, Dave curled his fingers upwards and pressed against that little walnut bundle of nerves, dragging his fingertips around in a tight circular motion. He heard Klaus take a sharp intake of breath and felt his fingernails bite into the skin of Dave’s shoulders. Dave smiled and kept thrusting his fingers, making sure to hit the same spot on each inward push.

Dave could feel Klaus’ breathing start to pick up, his exhales coming in shallow little pants. Dave began to increase the pace of his fingers and Klaus moaned desperately against his neck.

Dave kept the firm rhythm going until Klaus was letting out involuntary little noises on every inward thrust. He could feel the tension in Klaus’s muscles as he brought him closer and closer to the edge. Klaus’ fingernails continued to press into the skin of Dave’s neck. Dave ran his other hand down the curve of Klaus’ back, pausing to rub the hollow at the base of his spine and then let it travel further to cup one round cheek and give a proprietary little squeeze. Klaus groaned and his hips twitched again.

“Dave…” Klaus sighed. “Dave, please…”

Dave brought his hand around and took told of Klaus’ firm length and began pumping his hand up and down in satisfyingly strong pulls, just the way he knew Klaus loved.

“Oooh!” Klaus gasped, “Oh, oh, yes. Dave! Aaah, yes!”

Klaus planted his hands on Dave’s shoulders and lifted his head. He leaned back and arched his spine, his narrow hips alternating between thrusting up into Dave’s hand and fucking himself back onto Dave’s fingers.

Dave raked his eyes over Klaus’ face, which was scrunched in pleasure, down the column of his neck and over his thin frame, tensed and taut as a bowstring, straddling Dave’s thighs.

“God, Klaus,” Dave whispered, “You’re so beautiful. So fucking beautiful. I love you so much.”

Klaus let out a high-pitched whine, his hips stuttered, his eyes screwed shut, the muscles of his lower abdomen tensed, his mouth opened in in a silent O of pleasure and he came on Dave’s fingers and all over his fist. Dave could feel Klaus contracting rhythmically around his fingers and he gently eased him through his orgasm until Klaus’ cock gave one last weak pulse, emitting a final dribble of cum, and Klaus sagged, going limp in Dave’s arms. Dave brought his arms around him, keeping him steady, while holding his hands stiffly away from his body, trying to avoid smearing him with lube and cum.

“Just cuddle me properly,” Klaus said into his neck. “I’m obviously going to have to have another shower before we set off now.”

Dave grinned and held onto him properly, running his hand up and down Klaus’ back comfortingly.

“Better?” Dave asked.

Klaus hummed and Dave smiled again into Klaus’ hair. After a beat Klaus added softly, “Much better actually.” He brought his head back up and looked at Dave and added, “Thank you.”

Dave leaned forwards and gave Klaus a chase little kiss. “You’re welcome,” he smiled softly. “It was my pleasure.”

“Yeah, about that,” Klaus grinned, his eyes twinkling, “Want to join me in the shower?”

Dave raised an eyebrow and made a point of pretending to look at his watch. “Well…” he said slowly, “we don’t want to be late for dear old Daddy now, do we?”

Klaus rolled his eyes and quirked his lips up in a grin. “So we’re a bit late... No biggie.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m already a huge disappointment to him, being on time isn’t going to change that. And anyway,” he said, leaning forwards and nuzzling his nose against Dave’s, “I know where my real priorities lie.”

[corlds-world]

Top 10 Females from my Fandoms

This is all my opinion. It’s also from the fandoms I’m in (which are pretty popular). Your opinion of course will be different from mine. But I like sharing what I think and I like hearing your opinion, too. Also we’re doing ladies first because why not. Also I’m not good at explaining my opinion. So without further ado, here’s my top 10 females. Spoilers!

10. Meg (Supernatural) Meg is definitely my favorite female character from Supernatural. She’s a villain turned anti-hero. Also a demon. And being a recurring demon in Supernatural is a quick way to earn a spot in my favorite characters list. Apologies for Ruby for not making the cut though. Anyway, Meg is tough as hell (no pun intended). She starts by working for her dad, but that’s she’s not working for her dad because she’s a daddy’s girl. She works for her dad so she can get this apocalypse started. Her real loyalties lay with Lucifer. So when Lucifer was sent back to hell, she became a lone wolf. Season 6-8 Meg is my favorite, when she’s a lone wolf against Crowley. And I think the Winchesters have always been a little intimidated by Meg. Only 5′6″ to their 7′ but still has got fire. 

9. Carol Danvers / Captain Marvel (MCU) I couldn’t just leave out the first woman to ever get a solo movie in the MCU. It was a long time waiting, but we still got it. I was pondering for a while between Natasha and Carol. I decided to go with Carol really just because I’m so excited for Phase 4 of the MCU. I’m the kind of girl that looks ahead. Captain Marvel is for sure one of my favorite solo movies in the MCU. Carol was a air force pilot from the 90′s who was told all her life that she couldn’t become a pilot. Like you see in the trailer, she picks herself back up time after time. And then she loses her memory, but she doesn’t lose that fighting spirit. She just has superpowers from the space stone. She knows her rights and her wrongs better than most people. It’s what makes her an amazing superhero. And she literally destroyed a huge spaceship in Endgame. I can’t wait to see what Brie Larson has in store for us because she is not done for sure.

8. Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter) I know there’s a lot of controversy with the Harry Potter fandom right now, but I just can’t help but place Luna on this list. She’s an amazing character. As a fellow Ravenclaw, she really showed us what Ravenclaw was all about: wisdom and having an open mind. She knows her spells, too, and does her homework (I think). I think more people would expect Hermione on the list, but she didn’t resonate with me the way Luna did. She’s bullied for thinking differently, which really resonated with me. But she’s got her close friends and that’s all that really matters to her. She was the first character I saw myself in, even if she’s just thinks differently than I do.

7. Eleven (Stranger Things) I really did not want to put Eleven this low. But I really just couldn’t put her higher because the girls above her are just better. However, Eleven is awesome. Truly awesome. We gotta respect the only character in Stranger Things that has superpowers. Nothing holds Eleven down. She escapes from a crazy laboratory and finds her new friends who she will literally do anything to protect. And she was messed up in that lab. But she still knows good from evil. She knew that her friends were not going to screw her over. And when she thought they were going to screw her, she kinda just said no. Like okay. She’s brave and kind and badass and everything I want in a superhero. I she’s a little intimidated by the world around her, but I would have run right back to what I knew if I were her. I think her bravery really shone in the third season. I’m sad about what’s happening to her powers, but I think they’ll find a way to get them back. Even if they don’t, I think Eleven will still prove to be everything she is without them. And just look at her. She’s just so cute. 

6. Hazel Levesque (Riordanverse) I told you this was my list and I think Hazel deserves a spot. I mean, the youngest person on the Argo II, daughter of Pluto, can control the Mist and all the jewels in the earth, and tamed an untameable immortal horse. What more do you want? Yes, yes. I love Annabeth, but I really resonated with Hazel more, mostly because she just seems sweeter than Annabeth. I’m a sweet and shy person. And I love horses. And the 40′s. Speaking of which, a POC in the 40′s in Louisiana? If I ever make a top 10 POC characters, we’ll brush up on that. Anyway, let’s talk about when she died. Did I mention she died? She gave up an eternity of happiness so her mother (who was not good to Hazel) wouldn’t have an eternity of misery. Gotta thank Nico, though, for bringing one of my faves back to life. But when Nico was in trouble, there was nothing that Hazel wouldn’t do to help her brother. And when Hazel learned how to control the Mist in couple of weeks? What a display of power. She’s had a hard life, but she’s come out stronger because of it. 

5. Katniss Everdeen (Hunger Games) What? Why is Katniss so low? Mostly because it’s been a while since I’ve read the Hunger Games. I never even finished it. I stopped halfway through Mockingjay. I really like Katniss, though. She’s never had a lot. Let’s just start with the obvious that she takes on the Capital. Like you’re taking on the government? Okay go off. Of course, it’s not for no reason. They’re slaughtering everyone. But let’s just talk about when she’s in the Hunger Games the first time. I don’t think I could start to go into detail about everything that Katniss has done. She’s a badass in summary. She took on people that train for the event. She dropped a... what are they called? *googles hunger games bees* Tracker jackers! She dropped a nest full of tracker jackers on to those stuck-up kids. And Rue. Rue helped. Rue’s the best. She’s not on the list, but still. I love Rue and Katniss’ friendship, even if didn’t last. I’m sorry Rue you had to die if Katniss was to win. Anyway, Peeta got her in sort of a weird romance, but I think Katniss saved Peeta more times than Peeta saved Katniss. I love gender role reversals. Also I’m such a sucker for girls who can shoot a bow.  So, yeah, Katniss gets her spot which is very well earned. 

4. Vanya Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy) The second season recently came out so she’s fresh in my mind. The most powerful sibling in the Academy uses sound to harness energy. And does she do it in style. Yeah, she kind of causes the apocalypse, but that’s not her fault. It’s Luther’s. And Reginald's. Vanya had a rough childhood. She was told all her life that she was ordinary in a house where there where only the extraordinary.  But she powered through it. And wrote a book as revenge. Like Five said, that took guts. She’s such a complicated character. She’s shy and kind. But don’t make her mad. She might stab you. I really couldn’t believe how hard I cheered when she killed Harold. Like it was bad. Also she blew up the moon. Do you want more? She’s dating a farm frau. If I ever make a top 10 canon couples, that’s going on the list. You know, if you can’t go straight, go gay. Also she’s a human bomb. I’m a sucker for human bombs. And memes. 

3. Morgana Pendragon (Merlin) I really love good girls turned bad. I was a little worried that Morgana was just going to be Merlin’s love interest in season 1. But man was I wrong. Going from a ward with bad dreams to a witch determined to be queen. I was actually kind of rooting for her. But that just could be because Katie is a phenomenal actress. But anyway, Morgana really has issues, which is why she’s top 3. Also the fact that she didn’t have a girlfriend, so disappointing. But she’s a villain, and villains don’t have lovers. Or they’re not supposed to in my book. Also she can go toe to toe with Merlin, who is supposed to be one of the best sorcerers of all time. What a show of power. 

2. Regina Mills (Once Upon a Time) My favorite redemption arc. From good to evil and back to good. Honestly one of my favorite characters to watch. And Lana just does such a good job with it. Do you see the trend that I have with my favorite characters? Tragic background is the base requirement. Magical badass gives you an improvement in the list. But Regina has had a horrible life. The fact that she is classified as a villain is heartbreaking sometimes. But she did kill a ton of people so she’s definitely a villain in the storybooks. And that sass. Only Regina could pull off that sass. But I think the fact that she tries to be good when it is not in her nature, I think that speaks volumes. 

1. Kara Danvers / Supergirl (Supergirl) I feel like people just got thrown for a loop. It’s like wait a minute. Didn’t you just say that your favorite kind of character is a ���magical badass with a tragic background?” Um maybe. But Kara has her own tragedies. She just doesn’t show it. She lost her parents when she was 12. Not just her parents, but almost her whole family and all of her home. But she learned to have a new home on Earth. But she manages to figure out how to save the world with all of these conflicts in her life. Shoutout to Alex for being an awesome sister. And she has a great social life, something I aspire to have. I’m so upset that the show is ending after season 6. I love Kara so much. Kara is the most amazing woman in the Arrowverse so I’m so sorry to see her go. 

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 6, The Day That Wasn’t.

We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

Run Boy Run

Extra Ordinary

Man on the Moon

Number Five

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

I would also like to add that normally you wouldn’t watch a show this way. I am purposefully looking for mistakes, easter eggs, and other things that we’re not supposed to notice. I am watching not with the goal of entertainment, but for analysis. So most of the things that I sin, I am seeing for the first time.

Also, no I can’t do better. I am in no way qualified to give this level of criticism about anything. 

[Today we got the s2 release date!! I am so excited. To answer any questions about that, I will probably do a season 2 version of this a year after it comes out. Since some of my sins involve fandom and any fic tropes/theories we might come up with, I want to make sure that has time to happen.]

The Day that Wasn’t 

Only Dave notices Klaus coming to Vietnam via briefcase. The flashing blue lights and loud “oof!” isn’t loud enough to wake anyone else up. +1

Cody Ray Thompson’s workout routine. -1

“Katz” isn’t a fandom thing! The dude that is yelling at all the soldiers and Klaus to get ready (some sort of commanding officer?) calls Dave “Katz”! -1

Klaus is so confused that he just puts the pants on without really questioning it. What the fuck was going on in Klaus’s head? +1

Where is Ben? +1

Right where I’m paused Klaus’s face is hilarious. “It was at this moment Klaus knew. He fucked up” -1

The Power of Boners is what keeps Klaus in the fucking Vietnam War. +1

For all future Dave sins, I am calling it The Power of Boners because Dave gets one line. As soon as the show corrects this and shows us why Dave was so wonderful, these remain sins. Sin for the show for not providing more Dave content. +1

Overly saturated forigen country cliche. +1

Seriously, why is Vietnam so orange? +1

The Doors. -1

This one shot in the foreground of the girl with white boots. I want those boots so badly. Costume people, where did you get them? Sin until I know, damnit! +1

Cool white boots are cool. -1

Klaus’s dance moves. -1

Klave. -1

Scene does not contain a lap dance. +1

Or any other indication that Dave and Klaus didn’t just make out once and decided to remain friends. Please give me more Klave content show. If anything, just to flesh out this character who motivates Klaus for half of the season. +1

Luther barges in on people in the bathroom. He has six siblings! Anyone with at least one sibling knows that barging in on people in bathrooms is a shitty move. Heh, shitty move, bathroom, get it? +1

Klaus’s face when Luther deadpans “the world’s ending in three days”. It’s the face of someone who completely forgot about that since he’s been in the 60s for ten months. -1

Also, the way Luther tells Klaus “the world’s ending in three days” is the same way I might tell my brother that it’s time for dinner. +1

“Five’s a little- [coo coo whistle]” Emmy Raver-Lampman kills this line. -1

Luther’s face when Allison asks “what did Five even see?” brings me so much joy. That is the look of complete panic. Love that. -1

Luther can’t lie for shit. Checks out. -1

Anyone with siblings can relate to Diego, Allison, and Klaus’s reaction to this bull. -1

The dramatic music leading into the little “we died” followed by a sip of coffee. Priceless. -1

Title umbrella scares the shit out of Klaus! -1

Comic power foreshadowing? Sin until we get answers. +1

Foreshadowing that Five is in HQ by sending orders that don’t follow the same format as the rest of the ones on the shoe. Fiveshaddowing? -1

Kate Walsh plays an excellent villain. Part of that evil demeanor is getting all up in Five’s personal bubble. This is the closest Five has been to someone in the entire show without any injury or being drunk. -1

The Handler is creepy. +2

Five makes demands after setting foot in the building for less than one minute. +1

The masks from the comics are on the wall in the briefcase room. -1

Based on the two agents we see in the briefcase room and Hazel and Cha Cha, the uniform of the commission assassin is a blue suit, yet all of Five’s are grey or black like management. Inconsistency. +1

Typewriters. I hate those things. +1

I think Aidan Gallagher forgot what he was doing in this scene. His expression doesn’t look like Five, it looks like some kid who is letting a math lecture wash over them. You could make the argument that Five is sort of letting this wash over him too, but I would call bullshit. Five knows how dangerous of a situation he’s in right now. He shouldn’t look this calm. +1

The Handler touching Five’s face. +3

Dot has the “i’m in danger” expression when meeting Five because Dot let Five live in hell for 45 years. Five also looks like he wants to kill her. Great acting, Patrice Goodman. -1

Five’s expression when Dot says “No hard feelings” brings me so much joy. And fear. -1

The Handler makes Five the teacher’s pet on his first day by calling him leadership material in front of his new coworkers. +1

Kate Walsh was temporarily directed by Tim Burton for this scene. +1

That weird look one of the commission management people gives Five once Five sits down and starts working. I don’t like it, I don’t like it! +1

The Hargreeves mansion looks really fucking chaotic on the roof. I don’t like it. +1

Leonard’s face at finally being allowed inside the Hargreeves mansion. Just the right dose of satisfied and creepy. Well done, John Magaro. -1

Leonard is raising so many red flags that he may as well be a stop sign. +1

Umbrella Academy action figures. Oh, Reggie. +1

Luther has to explain that everyone in the whole world dies and not just them. The Umbrella Academy School of Delayed Reactions due to Stupidity was too long of a name so Reggie shortened it to The Umbrella Academy. +1

Allison’s right, Vanya isn’t being fair. However, Allison isn’t specific about how Vanya is family but Leonard is not. Sin for both of them for being dumb as hell. +2

“I’m gonna go find Vanya” “There isn’t time, we need to figure out what causes the apocalypse” irony. +1

“Nuclear war” cited as one of the possible causes of the apocalypse. Comics fans, enjoy this sin off. -1

“But I’m thinking this is about the Moon, right?” well yeah, but not for the reasons you think. Foreshadowing the moon. -1

That creepy portrait of Five behind Diego. No, not the big one, the other one by the bar. What the fuck, Reggie? +1

Leonard steals the action figure of The Monocle (reggie for those who don’t know the comics), which symbolizes the way Leonard feels he is controlling the Academy through Vanya. -1

Leonard is creepy. +1

Ben doesn’t realize that Klaus is going through withdrawal despite seeing it the day before. Sure, Ben could have been more focused on the tourture, but because Ben points out Klaus’s withdrawal by name in Man on the Moon, we can assume he noticed and that this is a continuity error. +1

Vanya’s powers affecting the world around her as soon as she is a safe distance away from the academy because reasons. Seriously, there should have been at least something while she was confronting her siblings. Show plays fast and loose with the rules of Vanya’s powers. +1

“If you tie me up after.” “Come again?” Diego and Klaus have the most sibling like relationship on this entire show. -1

Klaus’s Diego impression. -1

Excessive use of the word “bro”. One sin for every time I have to hear it in this scene. +2

“Mr. Five”. Is Five’s first name “Number” or did he not give the Commission any other name? Does this imply that he doesn’t go by Five Hargreeves? +1

This is one of the few scenes where Aidan Gallagher no longer looks like Aidan Gallagher and instead looks like Five. Acting. -1

Dot is really trying to get murdered. Don’t engage the man you put through hell for almost fifty years, moron. +1

The Handler has nothing better to do than to stalk Five. Does this lady have a job or did she take the day off specifically for this? What was she doing in the tube room?+1

The origin of “deadly little thing” is fucking Gloria? Really, fandom? +1

Five is too good of an actor. I understand why Aidan Gallagher might make some of these choices as an actor but I don’t understand how a man who grew up alone in the apocalypse can act this well. +1

The Handler keeps singling Five out in front of his coworkers. +1

The Handler’s arm around Five’s shoulders. +1

Creepy dude is back. I’m not even going to try and look up this guy’s name, but the expression suggests something I don’t want to think about. +1

Creepy guy’s name is Herb. Of course it is. +1

The file Five picks up just has a smiley face inside of it, which suggests that the Handler put it there as a red herring. Nice touch, show. -1

Gender neutral bathrooms. -1

Five’s expression when the Handler continues talking to him as she is peeing. -1

The Handler talks to Five while peeing. Gross. +2

His expression when she starts coughing is so funny. -1

Rugae +1

The Handler peeks over the door of the bathroom stall. +10

Cha Cha says, “Sure, shoot” when Hazel asks if he can ask her a question. +1

Where did the gunshot come from if Cha Cha didn’t shoot Hazel? I get they’re using it to make us think that she did, but there is no other explanation for the noise. +1

Luther frantically searching for his moon research makes me very sad. +1

Also, I’m kind of bored with this episode at this point. It’s such a low episode with the only interesting parts that make me as excited as the last episode Number Five, being the Commission parts. Everything else is kind of boring. Pick up the pace, show. +1

Reggie is a dick to Luther. +7

Luther looks so lost and broken and sad. I’m sad. Fuck you, Reggie. +1

Why the fuck was Luther carrying an axe?? +2

And rope?? +2

When and where did Luther find the time and money to get the engraved gold locket for Allison? This interaction is so full of plot holes and stupidity. +1

However, Cameron Brodeur and Eden Cupid do well with this dumb writing. -1

Seriously, who wrote this scene? The fact that I can’t bring myself to care about what is going on right now says a lot. +1

Reggie jump scare. +1

Cliche record scratch. How did that happen? Did Luther or Allison bump into it? Sin for lack of clarity and for destroying a record. +1

“Fun and games are restricted to Saturdays between noon and half past noon” Reggie is a dick to his children. +7

Klaus and Diego bonding. Literally? -1

Ben is in this scene! -1

I forgot how weird the soundtrack is for this scene. It’s too ominous. Scoring is important. +1

“Dave must have been a very special person to put up with all your weird-ass shit.” -1

“He was kind and strong and vulnerable and beautiful” that’s great, show. Why don’t you show us that instead of having Klaus say it. Just once scene where Dave shows these qualities so that he’s a real person instead of someone created to drive Klaus’s storyline? Please? +1

I feel really bad for Ben in this scene. From Ben’s perspective, he wasn’t good enough to motivate Klaus to get sober, but this random guy was. Ben angst. +1

Also, Justin Min manages to convey this without any lines. Major props. That takes some serious skill. -2

Bro. +1

“Everyone I like is already dead”. Fridging. +1

I can’t tell if this is Ben walking away or if this is the transition between Diego and Klaus’s point of views. If this is meant to imply the pov switch, It would have been easier to have Ben disappear from the same spot. If it’s Ben walking away because he can’t take being told that he isn’t good enough to get sober for, Ben angst. Either way, it’s a sin. +1

“Aww shit! I need to pee.” Diego’s expression is amazing. -1

“If this [having powers] is even true, everything I know about myself would be different.” That is Vanya’s storyline in a nutshell. This line is really underrated. -1

All of Leonard’s lines point towards the book. All of them. Which makes total sense. -1

Vanya is starting to show more sass and personality because the pills are gone. I wish fanfic writers would explore this. Including myself, I am sinning fanfic writers for not taking into account how cool Vanya is without the meds. +1

“I’m sorry you got stuck with the ordinary one” See! +1

“Ordinary” This word keeps coming up. Probably because of the whole rumor situation that we’re not supposed to know about yet. Rewatches are fun. -1

“My life is so weird” “I like weird”. And if you weren’t such a colossal creep, Leonard/Harold, I would like you too. This line is super sweet. Sin for manipulation. +1

Ellen Page isn’t my girlfriend. Have you seen this scene recently? She looks so cute/hot/beautiful here. +1

No transition, just straight from Leonard and Vanya kissing to The Handler slurping her smoothie. It’s jarring. +1

I want to know why they decided that killing Archduke Ferdinand would start World War I. Noodle incident. +1

“I had a bad Twinkie in the apocalypse once. Kinda put me off desserts.” Yet you still ate the fluffernutter sandwich, Five? +1

The Handler’s office is really cool. Once again, set designers you win this one. -1

Why would Five go straight for a decade instead of a flavor? How does something taste like the 1950s before it tastes like a popular candy from the time for example? +1

The suit is blue like the rest of the time travel assassins have. This suggests a uniform that the Commission didn’t make Five wear before, and suggests a sort of power play. Details. -1

The Handler is a fucking creep. +1

“M26 grenades from the Vietnam war”. This is the comment that sparked the theory that the Commission killed Dave. I want answers. +1

The candy that tastes like the 50s is really chewy. Why is Five still chewing it? +1

The Handler gives Five a pistol and he doesn’t immediately shoot her, which suggests that the pistol is empty. So why was the grenade still operational if the other weapons were not? You would think she would make sure that the grenades couldn’t be used against her. +1

The Handler is a fucking creep. I think Aidan Gallagher was a little uncomfortable in this scene. The look in his eyes isn’t something you can fake. +1

Kate Walsh is an awesome actress. -1

Out of all the candies in the bowl, Five conveniently takes one that is an actual candy and one that is a tracker. +1

So I want to talk about Luther. I think the show did him a great disservice by setting up his story this way. Compared to the Commission stuff, Luther’s story arc doesn’t seem important, hence the “Dad sent me to the Moon” jokes. If this was in a better order, then maybe the fandom would like Luther more. Not that I know what that order should have been, but it definitely shouldn’t have been this one. This whole episode seems kind of disorganized and Luther’s character suffers for it. After this sin, I’m going to shut up about it, so I’ll just add a few and move on. +5

“Four years of my life. A lie” “What an asshole” That’s a bit of an understatement, Allison. Seriously, this Moon research has got to have some value to it. Luther was studying the moon for four fucking years. Who knows what kind of crazy shit he could have found out about the moon’s atmosphere and what the Earth was like when the moon split from it. Those soil samples would tell us a lot about what the developing planet Earth was like. Luther’s moon research is important scientific material. And Reggie just locked it away. +3

This scene is excellent independently. Tom Hopper and Emmy Raver-Lampman play off each other extremely well. -1

“Can I show you something?” +1

The tools in the greenhouse have not moved in seventeen years. +1

And neither has the dust free record player. +1

Two cans of generic cola from seventeen years ago. And these two morons drink them. The family brain cell is dying. +1

This is such a sibling moment. Trying to do something nice and then it all goes up in flames? Sibling. Culture. -1

You know what isn’t sibling culture? The fucking locket. +3

This is a really human moment for Cha Cha. Burning the note shows that deep down, she cares about Hazel. -1

However, I don’t understand why she’s so pissed about Agnes. Is the show trying to ship Hazel and Cha Cha? Because that would be a stretch and I really don’t see it. +1

Klaus asking for one last hit is believable. Diego’s reaction is really good too. Well done. -1

Klaus’s ptsd. Putting my boy through trauma. +1

The wound on Dave’s chest has to be an exit wound. He was behind the barrier, so there’s no way he could have been shot from the front by the enemy. Someone (like a Commission agent) shot him from the back. So I guess we sort of got answers? I’m going to sin this until we know for sure. +1

Klaus is distraught. My poor boy. +1

Why is the chandelier still on the ground? You would think somebody would have attempted to pick that up at this point, right? It’s been two days. +1

Grace’s more relaxed hairstyle shows that she isn’t under Reggie’s strict control anymore. The tight pin curls are now replaced by gorgeous waves. Symbolism, well done hair stylist. -1

Grace lies because Pogo is standing behind Diego. Otherwise, I think she would have told him the truth right then and there. Secrets. +1

Yo, @ Luther. Who the fuck eats a hot dog like that? +1

Also, it was bright daylight when Diego was talking to Grace and now it’s pitch black out. What happened in those hours? +1

Talking about their regrets, Allison says “we can’t go back”. Insert every season 2 headcanon and the whole “Where are they?” tag line from the season 2 promos. +1

Allison attempts to see the silver lining of child abuse. This works and is a valid coping mechanism that I think is totally in character. Well done, writers. -1

The kiss on the cheek is very “this is the last time I will see my sibling whom I love very dearly and who also loves me for me”. This should have been it for Allison and Luther kissing because it’s a really good moment. -1

I love the dancing in the moonlight scene because it’s a reference to something from the comics. -1

The choreography is really, really good. Emma Portner fucking rules. -1

And I love the earrings that Allison is wearing. No joke, someone please tell me where I can find them, they’re adorable and I would love to have them. -1

However, the show made us see two sibling characters kiss. In a very romantic way. +15

And it’s very clear that this kiss happens outside of the fantasy too. +15

Also, without the lights and the music, were Allison and Luther just two weirdos dancing in the park to nothing? +1

The transition to get back to the Commission is really good. -1

“Gloria. The Handler knows that Five is up to something. Get this to Hazel and Cha Cha immediately.” Was the extra info about Five necessary? I feel like a regular person wouldn’t say that. +1

Gloria doesn’t know who the second best assassins are. +1

Five gets that stapler out of nowhere. This goes back to his unexplained power from episode 1, but now the question is: Is this switching power stapler based? +1

Five’s expression when he finally gets the name of the man who will cause the apocalypse. -1

And now we know the origin of the terminate Hazel message. Five, you clever bastard. -1

Did we see the terminate Cha Cha message before this? I can’t remember. If we didn’t then it’s a great reveal. If we did, then I didn’t care enough to pay attention. [I looked back] We didn’t. Great reveal. -1

Five, hide your bodies better so they don’t start waking up for comedic timing. +1

The comedic timing of Gloria waking back up. -1

“You’re a first rate pragmatist!” no he’s not. Have you been paying attention to Five’s character at all, Handler? If he was, then he never would have broken his contract because he was safe in the Commission.+1

Also, this is what a lot of fanfic writers base Five off of. Not his actual character, this fucking line. Sin for the fandom. +1

Why did they have to split up this scene? The Handler just attempted to shoot Five and now we’re supposed to care about Mom and Diego?? +1

Grace finally gets to tell the truth! Sin for Pogo and Reggie for forcing her to lie. +1

The truth. -1

The Commission desk people do care about Gloria. Caring. -1

Vanya finding Reggies book. This could have been the original trigger to the apocalypse in the first timeline. I want answers. How did it go down originally? +1

Dave! -1

“I do owe a debt. But it’s not to you.” This is one of those lines that will be referenced in a future season. “See, [this character and/or relationship] was referenced in season 1” or something like that. This is my favorite Five line, too. -2

Five once again stands too close to an explosion. Fuckin’ run, dude! +1

The ending of this episode reminds me of the “and it was all just a dream” ending that 5th graders write. Nothing in this episode has any consequences. +3

And I am adding back the sins I took off and then some for the important bits like Diego and Klaus bonding, Grace telling Diego all the secrets, and Klaus seeing Dave. +4

Wednesday. 8:15 A.M. (...again). The time stamp is pretty good though. -1

“What gives us a win this time?” And then Five appears. -1

Five snatches Allison’s coffee. And he should be bleeding from the shrapnel wound. +2

Allison’s face when Five snatches her coffee. -1

Diego, Luther, Klaus, and Allison are all watching Five stumble weird and chug Allison’s coffee with the funniest expressions. I want to know what they were thinking. Ya know, beyond “What the Fuck?”. +1

Those expressions, though. -1

“So if y’all don’t get your sideshow acts together” Five this whole season has been you saving the world and everyone else as a sideshow act. That’s gonna take a lot more effort than saving the world. +1

Aidan Gallagher fucking nails this scene. Expletive required. This is why I respect him as an actor. This scene would have been so easy to over act, but he kills this monologue.  -5

If you look closely at Five’s hair, it looks sort of like the triangular shape from the comics. I can’t tell if that was intentional, but it was a good detail. Hair department. -1

“Who the hell is Harold Jenkins” followed by a coffee slurp. That is how they end the episode? Really? It would have been stronger without the coffee. +1

Season 2 comes out on July 31, 2020! I got the announcement just as I was finishing this episode! I’ll take off a sin because we finally know! Whoop!! -1

Overall review:

After the powerhouse that is episode 5, this episode feels odd and out of place. My favorite parts were the Commission parts, and everything else felt like an interruption. Even more so when you consider that the commission parts are the only parts of the episode that actually happened. Sure, it’s great character building, but without any consequences, it feels cheap. I feel like I’ve said everything I needed to say, so I won’t get crazy with the analysis. I would say more if anything in this episode actually mattered. 

Total: 112

Sentence: The Umbrella Academy of Reacting to things Slowly due to Stupidity. Say that 10 times fast. Then I will undo all your hard work through the power of time travel. Seriously, fuck this ending. 

[dadsbongos]

Hargreeves Kids in Order of Their Problems (and do i have a problem?)

No secret that the Hargreeves children are all fucked up, but as I was re-watching I was like damn - what if we ranked them? So here we go, I’m ranking all the Hargreeves’ spawn by their pain; taking into account their trauma with and without Reginald (mostly for Five/Klaus) and how bad it messed them up. I’ll be sticking mostly to the first season because that’s where a lot of the meat is, but I might include a tiny peek into season two.

Also, I will be directly addressing the frequent question I ask myself “Am I attracted to trauma when it comes to characters?” by looking at my favorites and if they’re all deeply scarred.

S Tier Pain - Five Hargreeves:

Not only was he forced to endure Reginald’s abusive training regime (at least until the haha moment), but he also got stuck in the future after a miscalculated time jump. You’d think that’d be bad enough, what with no longer being able to see your family, but no. Well, technically he did see them when he found their dead bodies but that’s just more to Five’s suffering. He also got jammed into a post-Apocalyptic life where he was the sole survivor and had to live all on his own (though he had Dolores, which is a whole can of sad, loneliness worms we don’t have time for). Then to make matters worse he was taken into the Commission where he was turned into as assassin for years, to which he quit early to save his family from the Apocalypse. After the first one - yes, the first - and arriving in the 60s, Five got to see a glimpse of his siblings dying to the second one. All he ever does is for his family’s survival, even if it means his misery. In season one (and two) he makes a deal with the Handler, who he can’t stand, just to

maybe

 ensure she’ll protect his loved ones from the end of the world. He willingly works with a woman he hates and likely doesn’t trust so his family would be safe. And who could forget that redheaded lady in the bowling alley, like gosh, she really ruined his life by assuming his age like that... poor guy.

A Tier Pain - Klaus Hargreeves:

Unlike Five, he got to stick around for the entirety of Reggie’s cuck ways of abusing his kids physically/emotionally/mentally. From a young age (if that episode two lunch scene is anything), Klaus has been using drugs as a way to cope with his family life and his power. His addiction has led to a rather sad life, as evident from the first episode and some of his own dialogue - he’s not used to staying in one place, if anything his visits to rehab centers are the longest homes he really has. He’s not expected to stay sober long by the counter employee, indicating he’s been there before multiple times. When talking to Five outside of the prosthetic department, he outright admits he hasn’t been with someone for longer than about two weeks. He’s never shown to even hold down a job unless you count supplying local pawn shops - or, you know, the army. He served in war, straight up war, he likely has PTSD and to make things better, note the sarcasm, he lost his boyfriend in that war. Dave, the one person he’s described as loving more than he does himself. Klaus is constantly brushed under the rug as this crazy, attention-seeking junkie for most of season one by his family, but he’s more likely just calling for the help he clearly needs. Speaking of his family, I just wanna throw in that Klaus was kidnapped and tortured and not one person seemed to notice or even care.

B Tier Pain - Vanya Hargreeves:

Neglected by her adoptive father and siblings her entire life, Vanya was left out of the loop of even her own powers until she discovered them fucking decades later. She wrote a book trying to air out her father’s awful deeds and rather than finding solidarity with their shared agony at least a little, her siblings pushed her even further away. Quick mention, during the argument on whether or not to turn off Grace, she was immediately shut down on an opinion until she was shown to agree with Diego. Her vote didn’t matter until she sided with another sibling. Vanya grew up so starved for attention and love that when she got into her first relationship with Leonard (that bitchy murderer) she mistook it for a real love. Stayed with an abusive, gaslighting killer against all her sister’s warnings. She was betrayed by her own brother (fuck Luther, me and the homies hate Luther) after coming home, sobbing and pleading forgiveness, just wanting to help into being locked back in that vault Reginald used to keep her in. Vanya snapped, felt there was no other outlet and truly there possibly wasn’t for her, and ended the world. She was in so much pain, so angry with her life and how it was ruined by her own family that she blew up the moon. And honestly? I’m not even mad at her for it.

C Tier Pain - Diego Hargreeves:

Dude found his ex-girlfriend’s - and probably his potential love interest’s - corpse. He’s aching inside at least a bit. His spot as Number Two fueled a deep need to prove himself, whether he admits it or not, it’s why he’s a vigilante. Diego functions off of stopping crime and it’s only different from his childhood because he does it alone. He feels the need to validate what he went through, as if his suffering needs to be explained in some way. Speaking of childhoods, who gives them to us? Moms. Grace is his robo-Mom with no real sentience (well, before Cha-Cha and Hazel raided the place anyway, reboot Grace has some weird independence complex going on). She read to him, put him to bed, and fed his Mama’s Boy fixation - even going as far as to help Diego with his stutter. He put her down, in the robot sense. Diego was the first person to speak against shutting Grace down and yet he did so himself - knowing it’s what had to happen.

D Tier Pain - Ben Hargreeves:

He’s dead, so I’m not sure what he’s gone through other than having “The Horror” in his stomach and Reginald as a dad. So there’s not much to say about his trauma other than having to sit through watching people die horribly by his power’s hand. But again, he’s dead, and dying is one of the most traumatic things I can think of. That’s why he’s higher than the others but still lower than the previous four Hargreeves’ kids.

E Tier Pain - Allison Hargreeves:

She’s known as a “Daddy’s Girl” how that’s possible with Reginald, I’m not sure, but she is. Not to excuse any of the torment she got as a child or give the abuse a pass, at all. It’s just an inference that as Number Three and someone who easily got what she wanted with her power, she probably didn’t feel out-casted like Vanya. Nor was she left to survive on her own and then kill to live like Five. Allison, in all fairness, was viciously attacked by her sister after revealing she “Rumored” her memory away. Unlike Ben, she survived and went on to be the peaceful one of the family and her power didn’t directly kill, especially in ways that “The Horror” did. So I must rank her pain lower with a sad bob in my throat, nervous that all the Allison lovers will scream at/cancel me for putting her at E.

F Tier Pain - Luther Hargreeves:

Fuck Luther, me and the homies hate Luther. This little fuck found something out of proving himself to his father. So far up his dad’s ass that he was cool with being a monkey space boy for years until he realized Reginald didn’t give a shit about him. And honestly? Same. No but really, he did become a monkey man purely out of Reginald’s need for a hero to do what he said - and Luther couldn’t fill that if he was dead. I do recognize that his life was essentially wasted by his years spent on the moon, blindly following Dad’s orders but to be honest, he’s too in the background. He had nothing other than his father and therefore lost nothing other than his family, it’s hard to feel bad when you know he had no intention of doing anything other than be by Reginald. No plans unlike Klaus who had his life decimated by his drugs dependency or fuck, Five! Five had absolutely no life other than living through the Apocalypse for decades. Overall, I hate Luther but even though I can’t stand his gorilla guts, I do recognize that he has trauma.

~~~Do I Have A Problem?~~~ Considering that Five and Klaus are my favorite characters and they are the most traumatized? Yes, I am unnecessarily in love with characters in pain. I didn’t want to be a mannequin before I knew about Five, and now I crave to morph into Dolores (or at least combine with her like a Power Ranger)