#but also idk i look at old photos of myself or look at my nose in the mirror and like. yeah. its there | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bisluthq · 4 months ago

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I 100% agree with everything you said about the harm that comes from denying these procedures!! I was one of those teenagers who didn’t understand why my face and body didn’t look like the 30 year old playing a teenager on a tv show, and it only got worse as I got older UNTIL I knew all the work they’d had.

As a teen the best thing for me was this beauty campaign that was done by some trashy magazine where they got a bunch of famous women and did a big photo shoot together. Then they showed the difference in the women with how they came in (no makeup, no hair extensions, no blow out, etc), how they looked after x many hours in the HMU chair + the cost of the clothes and that they were altered to fit their bodies… then they showed the final version that goes to print and said how much photo shopping had been done. It was seriously enlightening and helpful. At the time I used to get a lot of compliments on my hair - I was just lucky and used cheap shampoo but had thick and glossy long hair, never had it coloured and my mum cut it for me lol, so like budget maintenance right. But it fucked with my head as a teenager that I was always being told how great my hair was but when I styled it, it NEVER looked as good as the starlets I was copying (many reasons including not knowing what I was doing and lack of products) but then I found out THEY ALL HAD EXTENSIONS for thickness! Mindy kaling mentioned in one of her books that trying to look like someone on tv is impossible because everyone has false lashes, extensions and so much more “natural looking” stuff even before they get into styling.

I do have a lot of body image issues still, but it’s so much better when I’m wondering why I don’t look as toned? Oh because they also spray tan and body contour their muscles!

Why can’t I pull off this hair style? Oh right I don’t have twice the thickness in extensions!

Etc etc etc

And then some people are like ‘what? YOU THOUGHT IT WAS NATURAL?!?’ But in a really derogatory way when people say they have body image issues. But until you know every part of their body has been touched up, WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU THINK?!!

Now I just assume most famous people have something and have gotten better at not comparing myself to them and generally recognising when people have had work done. But even my sister I’m pretty sure got some wonky fillers and says she hasn’t had anything (where I live it’s not unheard of or shocking, but definitely not common to get fillers or Botox)

I mean most women I’m friends with AND my sister get fillers and Botox. I haven’t ever and I don’t want to right now but I might when I’m older for maintenance more than anything else? I’m not crazy pretty at all but I’m happy with my face and the things I’d like to change (my nose for example I don’t like and my lips aren’t even - the bottom one is thicker than the top and obviously that’d be nice to fix) would change my face too dramatically imo and I wouldn’t be willing to do that just personally because I don’t think I’d like to wake up and see a different face lol? I’m okay with my face. I do want it to stay this way for as long as possible but besides that eh it is what it is. My friends and I discuss work a lot idk because as I say basically everyone has had some done. A lot of the guys in my social circle also do work tbf. Quite a few guys have had hair transplants for example. A few have started Botox. My bf is VERY classically handsome and actually hasn’t done any of that but more because he’s worried like once he starts he’s gonna get very obsessive about it and try look 22 again and obviously he isn’t lol. He does gym a lot and plays sportz but face wise he’s not as into doing things as a lot of our other friends.

I think talking about this stuff is really healthy?? Because yes as you say, so many teenage girls (and teenage boys) don’t know that what they’re looking at is totally unrealistic. No matter what they do, unless they start spending money, they’re not going to look like that.

I’m also huge on celebs being honest about diet and gym lmao because unless you work VERY hard, you won’t look like that. Which is fine and normal and if you want to look a certain way, that’s what most people will have to do to join u, but don’t be like “oh I eat anything I want” when you clearly fucking don’t.

And I don’t think it’s stupid teenage you believed this was just normal nice makeup and pretty hairstyles and a healthy lifestyle because no one really talked about all this stuff.

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hospitalterrorizer · 1 year ago

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diary117

1/8-9/2024

monday - tuesday

i know why i was so tired yesterday, now.

i am sick once again, my whole body hurts and my nose is hard to breathe through and stuff, i feel like i'm always about to have a nosebleed, my throat hurts too. i love to live. i am so glad annoying cokeheads got me sick.

anyway today i was looking at old scans of fashion mags from south korea/china (probably hong kong i'd guess but no one specified) and japan (inescapable). i'll post some of my fav pics:

spur - japan - i like this last one because it gives me a fun idea for cover art, not the image itself, though it helps w/ pose ideas or whatever, but little watermark someone put up onto it. i think i need to do that w/ the photo i take of myself for the album art, have that there in pixelated text.

harper's bazaar - china

fhm - china - this one's super weird, the last image especially, hard to tell exactly what they were reaching for, the strangeness/relative uncanniness of these photos / defamiliarization of a magazine's approach to sex sells and whatever turning so genuinely weird and offputting feels artistically useful. it's so wholly gaudy and disorienting. weird stuff.

w - south korea

vogue girl - south korea - the scans of this mag are all super crazy, honestly, i didn't expect these all to be so interesting and good.

cosmopolitan - china - i can't tell if this one's text is part of the image or not but it's maybe my favorite part, how it's so ugly beside everything, the really strange gradient, too.

fruits - japan - i didn't realize this one continued through to 2007, really crazy, you only ever see the y2k stuff get passed around really. these outfits are super cute but like that one spur scan w/ the user's watermark, the watermarks here of this website are really interesting to me, i think i also want to stick some weird watermark onto the picture i take, i don't know what i'll call the fake site or whatever but i kind of want it to maybe be something ridiculous/violent in another language. i'd also probably do it in like 128x128 and upscale the text, and instead of having it be something white w/ lowered opacity, i'd try to index it so it's dithered white pixels, instead of smeary transparent text, and then upscale that.

the watermarking stuff is interesting, it's interesting that these scans of magazines that people used to create a sense of self/consume/receive what they ought to be / do are then turned into a kind of capital, at least when it's a website, to get people to refer back to the site/increase traffic, likely get people to pay money to not have to see the watermarks. it's a fun thing to play at, to me, the accumulation of basically trash information, the trading of images and their valuation. scans of magazines online are kind of like trading cards, it seems like, there's stuff uploaded on archive.org but not as much as anyone would hope, at least with this niche stuff. and there too, the safeguarding of images from being stolen, is sometimes present. i know they keep vogue locked up on there, same with a lot of books, you can't rip books out easily, i mean sometimes people do, but i don't try to do that really.

so en magazine - japan - another example of the watermarks on 2 of the 3 pics, this is what i'm imagining i'll try to approximate the above methods and stuff. also i really love how so en seems to really go in on a kind of fucked up revival of the 60s, the above range from like 07 to 2013.

re: music today, i did 2 tracks, i wanted to do more but i was getting hit like a truck by illness in the middle of the day. i think they've both turned out pretty good, maybe both need a little help w/ getting the kicks louder, but idk, my ears are maybe a bit messed up when trying to do that kinda thing. but i have to proceed. tomorrow i think i'll have to take care of this really tiny thing w/ a song, to get it right, and then maybe 2 other tracks. i am eventually gonna have to get back to my big problem track (really there are 2) but maybe by then i'll have a way better idea what i'm doing.

i am so sick, there's more i wanted to say, though. i read this pretty, frustrating, i guess, comic, tonight. someone posted it saying something like "this says a lot about being trans in north america" or whatever, and it mostly doesn't but it's interesting i guess to read something like that and think about why/how i feel alienated from ever being able to say anything stable about my own identity/gender. the frustration mostly though comes from this sense that everything's too perfect, the relations between characters are too neat and the things they know are too easy, almost, at one point a character looks at kiwifarms, and it's like, is this kind of person, because the comic is kind of working in types, the sort to so easily know about that. like, i dunno, it feels too easy, it seems like something find out about, when they're in the middle of the kind of thing that character was in the midst of, which would have been more interesting. but overall idk, there's a certain way of interfacing w/ oneself/other present in the comic, the sort of types it runs through, and stuff, it creates distance, even though i can sit there and be like, oh i know this type of person, i've met someone like that, or even just, i've seen this kind of thing from a distance. it's valuable to reflect on, because i try writing in similar directions sometimes maybe, i don't want to rely on types totally, i get why a comic would, in prose fiction it's better to get away from that but there's just stuff like that. really what i'm reflecting on, in my inability to say anything stable about myself, like, i can't say: i'm a girl, i'm a boy, i'm a man (speaking honestly, man is what i never want to be, i don't think i ever say i am one), i'm a woman (i don't really know what being one means, maybe, i'd need someone to tell me (and this throws up the whole issue of why girl/boy, that feels weird to me, i'm 25, i'm something else (but what, and like, i dunno))), without ever having to contradict it right after, i just want to be what i am without what feels like interference, but 'cis' is an interference too, i'm not cis, i know that, there's nothing else to know i think. anyway, because of that, when i write characters, the ones i'm writing as/using my personal life for, i can't really gender them, they can't gender themselves, they just are, no matter what, people stick things to them and they all let it linger, or they're troubling themselves over if they pass or not but that's something internal and particular. anyway, i guess there's a thought, where by never really saying anything outright, is that a cowardice, where i let the idea of normalcy/being normal creep in, i don't think so, i don't think i'm normal, or i don't think ultimately i help things be normal with my presence. i dunno though. i kind of hate the "some men are just feminine and are actually super normal" thing, not because it's untrue, but to say there's no complication there, and also that this isn't just a cope or whatever, is frustrating. it's frustrating because people are at once alienated from being 'trans' (a broad thing that can mean all sorts of things really) and wanting to still be seen as cis so people don't think you're weird. it's not something i hate the people that feel that way for, i hate the world that makes that desirable.

anyway, i dunno. it's basically all complex and fucked up. sometimes i think of myself in percentages but putting it to text feels like a commitment, i don't ever want to be committed to performing some percentage of gender. i really just want gender to disappear as a thing, but i also, obviously, really want to look a certain way, be seen a certain way, because of stuff that happened to me as a kid and stuff i saw and whatever, it's like necessary, i have to. no one has a gun to my head except i feel like one shows up when i'm ugly. i'm on a tightrope, i was put there, it's not my fault, a lot of people are on it too, like everybody is, it's terrible.

i think if tiqqun were writing currently on the young girl, they might be compelled to speak on trans stuff, but i think all they might say ultimately is that basically every human on earth is on hrt. they would be right. although that makes it sound like i think hrt is bad or something. or maybe not. i think hrt is good and i think about trying it sometimes, or not trying, i'd have to commit, that seems less scary than the percentages though because i could still really be whatever/nothing/everything. everyone's on hrt but they receive it via socially enforced norms/reality stamping down on you, you will conform to standards and so on and whatever. sometimes i think gender euphoria is really a negative thing, in ways, if you think about cis men and their gender euphoria, where they might get it from, being hard laborers or beating women, basically suffering and then throwing it around, things become more frightening. i experience euphoria when people stare at my ass and i want to kill them but i also want people to stare. when my gf is transfixed by me, it's really nice, but it's also scary, why do i want to be totally inert and just looked at. it makes me wretch but i can't help it, really. i need attention all the time. i'm writing about how fucked up my insides are, i'm so histrionic.

that's one thing on my mind. the other really is how much i hate being sick and how i am like a sick and withering whateverrrr. my head hurts distantly, in a threeway sort of thing, different points of penetration along my brain and stuff.

so, i should like, sleep, probably.

so:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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palmett-hoes · 4 years ago

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Do you have any fan casts or strong takes/feelings on the foxes’ appearances? Fandom tends to use the same Pinterest models, which feels wrong to me.

i do in fact! i've actually been meaning to make a post about how i choose to write all of the foxes' ethnicities anyway

but yes i absolutely agree that the typical pinterest model types u generally see on edits is not how i see any of them. nor is reece king or froy gutierrez or lucky blue smith one of my FCs for anyone

for a lot of them i don't necessarily have a single specific FC so much as i have like,, a general impression of features that i will see on various different people, who all may look wildly different from each other or who may not even look how i see the character as a whole but do have a specific feature i associate with them. mostly it boils down to the Energy i get tbh and that's just a Feeling i cant even explain

fun fact im a tiny bit face blind so that might account for some of why i'm so all-over about this

may as well go chronologically. some of them i definitely have more thoughts on than others

1. Dan

ethnicity: Afro Native (Sioux)

features: medium dark skin. buzzcut, killer fade. she often styles it in waves. she's very butch, wears a lot of basketball and cargo shorts, tank tops and flannels and jerseys, hiking boots. skinny but muscular, with a very rectangular body shape. defined jaw. probably like 5'4 or 5'5

FC/Energy: sometimes i get some dan energy out of janelle monae but more butch. lotta dan energy out of samira wiley. lashana lynch

2. Kevin

ethnicity: a lot of things tbd, but he's pretty multi-ethnic. i like the idea of kayleigh being half- or a quarter-japanese in addition to irish because it gives her more of a reason to go to japan for her undergrad. wymack is from d.c. which is a majority black city for its actual residents, but i also like the idea of him being Pasifika/Hawaiian. HOWEVER - and this is pretty important to my read of kevin's character - he's white passing, and has been mostly treated as a white guy who tans his whole life, like occasionally asked if he's italian maybe. learning that his father was a Distinctly Not White Man was a big shock to him.

kristin kreuk, lindsay price, phoebe cates, and marie digby are all half-asian actresses i base kayleigh on

i suppose i base his story partially on broadway actress carol channing, who revealed publically that she was a quarter black when she was like 80 years old. though maybe wentworth miller, a biracial actor who knows his father is black but also doesn't know him, is more accurate to kevin's story. then keanu reeves is a white passing actor with asian ancestry

also none of these people look anything like how i picture kevin lol. kevin is just like,, a guy. handsome ig. but kind of in a CW character kind of way

actually

kevin looks exactly like young jason momoa

3. Andrew

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

features: fat and muscular, very wide and heavy. this blog is basically all andrew body type refs. medium-olive skin, has a bit of a greyish tinge that makes him look a bit eerie or unhealthy. deep set, droopy eyes; looks so tired. flat face with a low-bridged nose. crooked teeth, especially his canines. natural hair black-ish but he bleaches it light blond. has the beginnings of martial artist punching callouses in his knuckles

FC/Energy: holy shit the characters i feel have Andrew Energy are all over the place. pedro pascal. babe ruth (yes fr). oddjob (harold sakata) from goldfinger. the jinn (mousa kraish) from american gods. gaear grimsrud (peter stormare) from fargo. takeshi kovacs (joel kinnaman) from altered carbon. and i wanna be clear, it's these characters specifically, and generally NOT the actors outside of that specific role. except pedro ❤️

4. Matt

ethnicity: cuban

appearance: matt has more of an Energy than specific features to me rn. that energy is Warm. he has that Warm bro jock dude energy. kind of a marvel hero build, hunky and muscular. very rectangular face. has this haircut:

5. Aaron

i get to cut myself some slack and not go AS in depth about aaron because he and andrew are identical twins

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

appearance: similar build to andrew, less confident and casual posture and body language. less apathetically murderous and more emotive expressions. better teeth bc his mom took him to the dentist. yes also bleaches his hair

celebrities: probably a lot like the difference between the characters and the actors. andrew is the characters and aaron is how the actors actually look. idk ive never looked at someone and thought 'hey! looks like aaron!'

6. Seth

ethnicity: have been going with half-vietnamese. considering looking into various south asian possibilities like pakistani

appearance: string bean build. that's all i have to offer

7. Allison

ethnicity: allison's very up in the air for me. she and seth are the two foxes i feel fine with being white, but im committing to having no white foxes sooo. i would say i generally see her as either half-middle eastern or chinese

appearance: plus sized and hourglass shaped. heart shaped face. taller, like 5'8 or 5'9. she has a pretty fraught history with her appearance and her parents payed for/pressured her into getting a nose job to have a 'prettier' nose. she also bleaches her hair blonde. she gets it done at a salon tho the twinyards do it in their bathroom

FC/Energy: elle king and nadia aboulhosn are my main inspos for her, esp body type but nadia esp in Vibes

8. Nicky

ethnicity: multi-ethnic. his mother is southern mexican Indigenous, possibly oaxacan. his father is mixed white/kayin

appearance: definitely takes after his mother while his father is white passing. dark brown skin, warm undertones. slightly stocky build. tall ovular head and thin aquiline nose. he's kind of just,, the opposite of the twins ig, so like their facial features look very different, which is a big part of why people don't make the connection between him and the twins alongside the difference in their skin tones, heights, and builds. nicky's build and features are very vertically-oriented, with a tall head, narrow-set eyes, thin nose with a high bridge, etc. the twins are horizontally-orienged, with broad, flat faces, wide-set eyes, wide noses with a low bridge, etc.

FC/Energy: yalitza aparicio, not a guy but one of the few Mexican Indigenous stars in the film industry and i really like her features for nicky. she's oaxacan

9. Renee

ethnicity: Black. african american

appearance: plus sized, circular/apple body shape. round face. dark skin. microlocs to a bit past her chin, bleached white and dyed at the ends. she and allison go to the salon together. femme but plain style, a lot of blouses and long skirts, practical shoes. knuckle callouses. about 5'6

FC/Energy: dominique fishback. tracie thoms, esp in RENT. gabourey sidibe. nicole byer, but not in Energy. brandy, for some reason, probably bc i think she has very serene Energy and is a little bit otherworldly. like if brandy played arwen or galadriel from lotr it would make perfect sense to me, and that's the Renee Energy™️

10. Neil

ethnicity: mixed. Black/Jewish on both sides. his father is polish ashkenazi and afro-brazilian. his mother is Black British and algerian jewish

appearance: very... sharp. like sharp all over. does that make sense? sharp features, sharp face shape, sharp angles to his body. he's got what i vaguely think of as a 'basketball build' not meaning tall but meaning very rangy and angular and lean. all limbs. seth has a similar build. lighter brown skin. he has waardenburg syndrome which is actually where he gets he gets his eye color, and his eyes are very large and widely spaced as well. freckles freckles freckles. freckles everywhere. 4a hair but at least during canon it's not very healthy and thus the curls aren't well-defined. he grows it out long enough to tie back and starts taking better care of it in post-canon. wonky, slightly crooked teeth, with a gap between the fronts

FC/Energy: now neil i actually have a ton for. mostly models which im a lil ashamed of bc i do try to draw more from athletes. alton mason is a main body type ref. mugsy bogues is good to see what i mean about the basketball build without the height. here're the boys: cykeem white, luka sabbat, désiré mia, Leo Hoyte-Egan, dylan hasselbaink, this beautiful stock photo model i've never been able to track down

i think about him every. goddamn. day.

in terms of like,, real ppl and not models: corbin bleu, especially during Jump In. figure skater elladj balde. rayan "ray ray" lopez from mindless behavior. A$AP Rocky a lil bit, maybe i just like his hairstyle idk

two more models i think are important: carissa pinkston and ralph souffrant

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copperbadge · 4 years ago

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dignitywhatdignity re: sewing

Gotta have a 3a on a Copperbadge list!

It’s tradition! IDK, I feel like limiting what I say to three items helps keep me focused, but there’s always one more slightly less relevant thing I feel must be said...

geekgirl76 re: sewing

LOL! I think I know which pattern you’re talking about! (I think I have about 3 copies of it!) It also makes an excellent jumping off point for a ROTJ Luke Skywalker!

What’s so interesting to me is that while yes, obviously it helped me make the coat, I feel like basically any coat pattern would have done the same -- I modified the front and the collar so heavily and tailored it so specifically to my torso length that really all I needed was a basic coat pattern to start from.

I mean, I’m not saying I’m an expert tailor or anything, it was a basic “sack with arms” kind of a deal, and also sewing my own shirts or coats would be a tremendous pain in the ass. But now that I know how coats are cut out and pieced together I feel like I could pretty much assemble one either without a pattern, or with only minimal pattern that I would then modify to the specific body.

Like, patterns are great, but mostly in my case they’re meant for teaching me “How shapes fit together” and once I’ve done it a few times I can basically pattern something out from scratch, which is how I did the bicycle seat cover -- “Oh, I know in theory how this ought to work, it’s a flat top with a strip around and buttonholes to tuck under”.

Which is a talent I did not expect to have, to be honest, given I have semi-poor spatial sense and failed geometry twice. It’s probably because I started sewing so young.

bibliophilecats re: glasses

Posts like these make me so happy: seeing another adult who is still into fan culture, fanfic etc. Fastly approaching 40 myself, I do not feel so particular 😊 I used to think at that age one is supposed to be married with children and house, to be a "regular middle-aged adult".

Aw yeah! There’s a whole community of us. Tumblr actually skews way older than you think, as does fandom, it’s just the younger members tend to be louder and post more. (I mean, fair. I did too at their age.) But yeah, fuck adulthood milestones, I own my own home and would rather be single than in a bad marriage and don’t want kids, so here I am. :D

col1999 re: glasses

Sam. I, too, like to keep an old pair or two as backups - I get it, I do! But your prescription has probably changed too much for those to be useful now. (But now I'm thinking how neat it would be to have some sort of display of all my old glasses, especially to see how my tastes have changed. And lens thickness since I used to need coke bottles before the thinner lenses were available and cheap.)

LOL! Yeah, those glasses would really hurt my nose if I tried to wear them now anyway...

If you were to look at photos of me from childhood to adulthood, you can pretty much pinpoint the moment at which I started picking my own glasses frames. My mother favored MASSIVE round lenses, like think if Harry Potters’ glasses were 2-3 times larger, with tortoiseshell frames, that made me look faintly buglike. Around 12 or 13 the lenses suddenly square off and the frames turn black or silver, and from 13 to 20 or so you can see the lenses get gradually narrower and narrower. But from 20 to 40 I pretty much stuck with “narrow squared lenses, black frames”. Once I find what I like I very much stick with it, something that is currently, I can tell, frustrating my villagers in Animal Crossing. (I don’t want to wear a stripey shirt and a sporty cap! I want to wear my wetsuit and bandanna all day every day!)

#dignitywhatdignity #geekgirl76 #bibliophilecats #col1999 #reply all

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sixsclassic · 4 years ago

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Right Person, Wrong Time: Chapter 1

I posted this on my A03 and I thought I’d share it one here as well since it’s going to be a bit of mystery and I’m going to be honest. The story is a bit of a coping/healing thing for me. It’s going to have a lot to do with mental health and dealing with the lose of a family member from an early age. I lost someone important to me quite young and recently learned how I was in the aftermath. Some of the situations following some of this is how young me dealt with grief and how myself in my current age and mindset want to express it.

Please let me know your thoughts and always know you can come to me if you need anything at all.

I also recommend listening to ‘IDK Yet’ by Alexander 23 and ‘Where’s My Love?’ by SYML

WC: 1998

Katherine had always grown up with this sense of confusion about her parents. Well she had her mom, and it was just them. She was now sixteen and it’s always just been them, no father, well no mother, Katherine always knew her mother wasn’t all too interested in men. So it was herself and her mother, but there always felt something was missing. For a long time, Katherine was sure that she was adopted since she didn’t resemble her mother other than their shared eye color. The sixteen year old had dark olive skin with piercing green eyes, the one feature that she shared with her mother, and dark curly brown locks.

Meanwhile her mom had pale skin with honey brown locks, and those green eyes they shared. And that’s the primary reason that she always believed that she was adopted. In those moments that she questioned it through her life, it seemed that she always hurt her mom a little when she asked about her real parents, but she never allowed her to see it. The teen was always reassured that her mother in fact was her real mother and birthed her. She was shown a few pictures from her pregnancy as well as one from the day Katherine was born.

And today happened to be a day that she was at her Aunt Anna's house while her mother was working a bit late at their law firm. Katherine was building a digital family tree for school and thankfully Anna had a collection of pictures of family members and Katherine was genuinely confused about how she was related to Anna, it had never been explained to her, but Katherine did seem to look a lot like Anna. They shared the same curly hair, but Anna’s skin was a bit darker than her’s.

“Aunt Anna?” Katherine asks, as she flips through a scrapbook in front of her on the kitchen table. It was filled with pictures from different points in Katherine’s life as far as she could, by looking at the dates. “Yes Susse?” Anna asks as she turns from the stove where she was preparing something for their dinner. Her aunt had lived in Germany for a while in her teenage years at a boarding school and had an accent that was blended of German and Spanish since she was born in Spain.

“These pictures of our family, where are the ones before I was born?” Katherine questions, looking at the stack beside her and noting that it had nothing from her early childhood or before her birth, that her Aunt neglected to bring any of the others out. “Well, um, let me give your mother a call.” Anna retorts, struggling to give her an answer that made much sense. Anna turns the heat down on the stove and retreats towards her bedroom, to no doubt call Katherine’s mother.

“That wasn’t the answer I was looking for.” Kat sighs to herself as she moves herself from the table and goes to her aunt’s study, where she keeps the scrapbooks. She sensed that maybe her aunt had left them in there for a reason and she stood on her toes to find the books on the higher shelves of her bookcase that stood behind Anna’s oak desk. The second highest shelf had all the books missing, since Katherine had them all laid out on the kitchen table. But on the top shelf, it was lined with scrapbooks.

And Katherine grabbed one from the shelf, reading what the spine of the book was labeled. ‘Madrid 1998’ and she scrunched her nose in confusion. But curiosity got the best of her and the sixteen year old opened the book that contained pictures from six years before she was born. The first couple of pictures were of Anna, who was probably sixteen or seventeen in that year, but Katherine couldn’t quite remember. Then as she flipped through the pictures, she recognized someone, her mom. Her face was no different from now, just a little older, and her hair was a dirty blonde.

She couldn’t help but smile, seeing that her mother and aunt had known each other for such a long time and she flipped to the following page, her eyes grew wide. Her mother was leaning on someone’s shoulder, a bright smile as she held out her hand with a pretty ring adorned on her left hand. Her mom was engaged? When? Kat’s heart began to pound in confusion, how had she not known her mom had been engaged at some point.

Her eyes swiped over to the person who her mother was no doubt engaged to. A young looking woman, a bright smile on her face and Kat bit her lip heavily. She looked exactly like the woman in that picture and she was so confused. The same skin and hair color was mirrored between the two of them. Tears began to fill her eyes as she looked to see if the photo was labeled in any form and thankfully it was.

‘Jane said yes! Catalina proposed to Jane on senior summer trip.’ She began to feel overwhelmed with a number of emotions, it didn’t feel right in that moment, she never knew her mother had been in a relationship like that before, especially six years before Katherine’s birth. And the name stuck out so much to Katherine, Catalina, it was so similar to her name. She left the room, the book firmly held in her hands as her chest. “Who is Catalina?” Katherine demands as she looks at her aunt who was still on the phone with her mom.

“Jane, I’m gonna need you to get here at soon as possible.” Anna says with wide eyes as she stares at her niece.

“No, don't get my mom involved in this, who is Catalina?” Katherine asks again as she steps closer to her aunt.

“She’s going to be here in a moment, please be patient.”

“Please tell me.” The sixteen year old begs.

“She’s my sister.” Anna informs her as she finally looks away from her young niece.

“And she was my mom’s fiancee.” Katherine adds, feeling numb at the words coming out of her mouth as the front door shuts and Anna’s German Shepard, Monty, begins to bark at the visitor and Katherine’s mother enters the room, finding her daughter and Anna. “Mom who is Catalina?” Katherine questions, forcing the book out towards her mom.

“Let’s go sit down first.” her mom says.

“Jane, I told her that Lina is my sister.” Anna mumbles as Jane looks over at Anna and takes a deep breath.

“Please Kat, let’s sit down and I will tell you everything.” Jane says and Katherine nods her head a bit before cautiously following her mom and aunt to the kitchen. The three all sat down at the table together and Katherine opened the book to the page that showed the proposal. Jane sucked in a breath, her eyes shining with tears as she saw the image like she hadn’t seen it in so long. “Catalina was my wife,” Jane spoke softly, looking up at her daughter, “She was your mother.”

“Was?” Katherine demands.

#six fanfiction #six the musical fanfic #six the musical fanfiction #six fanfic #catherine of aragon #Katherine Howard #anna of cleves #jane seymour #catherine of aragon x jane seymour

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

Text

Survey #358

“i know the pieces fit, ‘cuz i watched them fall away”

Would you ever own a Great Dane as a pet? Oh Lord, my mom wants one so bad. She looooves big dogs. I wouldn't, though. I don't want another dog, period. What was or is your favorite quality about your recent ex? Her resilience, strength, creativity, loyalty, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. lol. Have you ever witnessed a human being giving birth in real life? No, and I NEVER fucking will. What about an animal? Yeah, cats. What kind of things do you enjoy reading about on sites like Wikipedia? I sometimes do that for straightening out game plots after watching a let's play if I have remaining questions. Wikipedia tends to do well with compressing it. Which country’s cuisine that you haven’t tried, would you be interested in sampling? (e.g. Moroccan, Thai etc.) I wouldn't know because I'm not educated enough on foreign cuisines. What’s the last movie you watched on your own? The Shining, I think, forever ago. Fried, poached, boiled or scrambled eggs? Scrambled. Have you ever got into a club, whilst being underage? I've never tried. Are you happy with your relationship with God, or do you want more from it? I don't have one. Do you struggle with boredom? Very, very severely. I have absolutely awful anhedonia; I'm pretty much constantly bored. Literally. I just... find things to pass the time, even if I'm not really enjoying myself. What famous person do you wish you could be friends with? I'm going to assume here you don't mean a significant other, because uh... y'all been known lmaooo. I would really love to be friends with Gab Smolders (I know that's not her real name, just using her YT name), because we have very similar interests. As well, Suzie Hanson is a fucking SWEETHEART. I miss her channel. :( At some point I want to purchase some stuff from her store to support the darling. Man, thinking of this question, there's really a lot. What would you do if you were famous? Hate it, haha. Do you wish you hair were shorter or longer? It's at a fine length right now. What photo editing website or software do you use? Lightroom and Photoshop. What hair color looks best on you and what’s your natural color? I think my hair looked best black. It's naturally brown. What is your favorite show to watch? Meerkat Manor. It is so, so comforting to me. Are your maternal/parental instincts strong? Not with kids, oddly enough. I've only ever really encountered strong protective instincts with significant others like when they're sick or something like that. In school, do you/did you work better by yourself or in a group? I absolutely worked better alone. I hated group work. Do you know anyone who has a collection of old records? My mom did, once upon a time. I feel like I know someone who does now... but idk. Do you go on any forums often? Just RP ones. Would you ever agree to an open relationship with someone? Nnnnope. Do people always say you’re too thin? Uh, I have the opposite problem. Could you design a whole web page yourself? Not from scratch, no. I've only done so on free sites that give you the bare bones and easy editing. Have you ever cooked an entire dinner for your family? Definitely not. Do you prefer piano music or violin music? Ohhhh, both are beautiful, but I have to say violin. Who do you tend to get in fights with the most? My mom, I guess, not that we fight a lot. Are you attracted to spooky and macabre things naturally? YEP. Have you ever bobbed for apples? Were you successful? No. It's disgusting if you're going after others, and besides, I HATE water up my nose and have never quite figured out how to block it out without plugging it. Hypothetically speaking, if you had a child [too young to make their own decisions], what would you dress him/her up as for Halloween? It would depend on what their interests were. Do you intend to take your children trick-or-treating, if ever you have any? I'm not having kids, but if I did, I definitely would if they wanted to go. What is the coolest jack-o-lantern you have ever seen? Now THAT'S hard, I really don't know. What was your favorite candy to get from trick-or-treating? What about your least favorite? Reese's was my favorite, and I never liked Tootsie Rolls. Did you ever receive anything that wasn’t candy? Maybe? I feel like I have... Have you ever carved a really extensive pumpkin, or were they always simple carvings? Yes; I once carved a pumpkin with a raven design with "and quoth the raven, 'nevermore'" written into the back. The raven wasn't just a flat cut-out, but rather carved in layers so the light came through differently at certain depths. Are you more interested in cute, funny, “sexy”, or scary costumes? For myself, absolutely the scary ones. In general though, I'm not gonna BS ya, I love me some sexy costumes, haha, but also still scary and particularly gory ones. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I seriously hate admitting this, but Mom has confessed that my yelling has scared her before when scolding our former dog that I fucking hated. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on your with gifts.) I absolutely need words of affirmation. I just need to hear a lot that you do still like/love me. Also, if you're unwilling to actually act like we're a couple in front of ANYONE, like you're ashamed of me or something, byyyyeeee. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? It depends, I guess. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? Any that have underlying medical issues, like pugs, spider ball pythons, Persian cats, etc. etc... It's just a moral thing; I don't want to support the deliberate continuation of poor genes in animals for human monetary gain. It's just wrong to me. Away from breeds, I also don't really want free-roaming animals after my cat passes, because I don't want to endanger the reptiles and invertebrates I want as pets in the future. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? I grew up in one, yes. I never want to again. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? No. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Getting a job nowadays. I do NOT want to imagine what my life will be like if I never find employment. If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? This hasn't happened, no. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept? Honestly, I want to try weed to see if it would help my anxiety, BUT I'm unwilling to ever smoke something, so no. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Yeah. Do you listen to country music? No. Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No. Were you ever a trouble maker? Not really, no. Do you shave your legs? Hell, that's debatable by this point. I haven't since this past October, but I *would* if for whatever reason someone might see my legs. I am not overexaggerating when I say I naturally have men's legs as far as hair goes, oof. Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? That's what my dad always drank when he was an alcoholic. He doesn't touch alcohol now. Have you ever gotten sloppy drunk at a party? No. Have you ever slept naked? Accidentally. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? I really don't think I could be. Do you actually like going to school? I never did. Have you ever really been in a “complicated relationship”? How did that work out? In your opinion, what makes a relationship “complicated”? No. I don't care enough to go into what a complicated relationship means, I think it's pretty obvious. Who was the first person you’ve ever fallen in love with? Is this a person you’re still in contact with? How do you know you’re in love with someone? Jason, and no. And you just... know. It's a wordless feeling . Have you ever successfully broken a bad habit? How about conquered a fear of something? Uhhhh I don't know, really. Well, I used to be AWFUL at picking my eyebrows, particularly when anxious, but I have gotten better at that. I still kinda do it, though. Onto the next question, I don't believe I've "conquered" a fear, but rather they just faded with time on their own. Have you ever read a whole series of books? Yeah. Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up? I walked. Do you own a pair of brass knuckles? No. Have you ever tried to break a Guinness World Record? No. Can you sing your ABC’s backwards? I can't. Do you like Skittles? I love Skittles. Do you know how to read music? I used to. Who would you say has made the biggest impact on your life? Really, Jason. He ultimately led to me getting proper treatment for my depression, which changed my life. I'm in no way giving him credit for it, but you get what I mean. You can only listen to THREE CDs for the rest of your life. What are they? Black Rain and Ozzmosis by Ozzy Osbourne, and uhhh... perhaps The Black Album by Metallica. Do you own any shirts that have a year on it? Yeah, but it's way too small for me now. It's from Back To The Future, when we actually reached the date in the movie. Have you ever done another person’s make-up? Ha, I gave Jason a makeover once. Honestly, do you double dip? Not if I'm sharing the dip with other people. Who were you last on an elevator with? My mom. Do you know anyone that has a black belt in karate? Not to my knowledge. How often do you wear hats? Never. Who is the youngest gay person you know? *shrug* Have you ever watched an animal being eaten by another animal? I've seen cats eat mice and stuff as a kid. What is the strangest, most “out there” thing you believe? Some people I'm sure would consider the fact I believe the government was involved in 9/11 as "out there," but when you look into it, it's far from "out there." Do you get along with people who are especially religious? Why/why not? It depends on how they act about it, not what they keep in their head. Now if they have just purely hateful beliefs that demonize another's existence, then no, we can't get along. Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait? Painted, yes, for an art class. Do you have any interesting pillow cases? No. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Bees, generally. Especially if we're talking things like wasps, who are just demon spawns. Would you rather donate time, blood, or money? That's a really hard question, but I guess time? Like I'm thinking volunteer work and stuff, or listening to and comforting someone. Can grills be sexy on a guy? They're sexy on absolutely no one. Last strong smell you can remember smelling? Ugh, gasoline. This one car in front of my mom and me smelled awful. Last healthy thing you ate? Apples. Do you know anybody who was abused? Emotionally, yes. Do your parents volunteer anywhere? No. Do you have a steering wheel cover? Mom's car doesn't. What do you think of when you see sharp knives? This is really morbid, but I will immediately envision what it would be like to be stabbed. I'm very afraid of knives. The highway and back roads take you to the same place; choose your route. The back roads, of course. And let me bring my camera.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''schism'' by tool

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judesstfrancis · 4 years ago

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so I was late to asking u things and I don't want u to have to repeat yourself so answer all the questions in the thing that you haven't already answered thank u 😌

the way I had to pull out my laptop to answer these bc I couldn’t keep them straight on my phone clipboard................ fdskjfsdkj I think I’m gonna put most of these under a read more so they don’t take up too much dash space. thank u!! <3

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

honestly I’m great! it is currently almost 2 in the morning but my day was nice, I got some new clothes, did my laundry, made a good dinner...good vibes all around, loving it for me rn

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

I haven’t really listened to a lot of new music lately dkfjskj I think the most recent new artist I started listening to was orville peck?? but that was back in like february

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

uhh when I’m at home. yes I’m a homebody <3

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home?

truly it’s with the thots I just feel so at ease

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

it’s just easy, u know? like no matter what we’re doing, even if we’re just vibing on our own together, it’s nice. I can tell them absolutely anything and it’s not weird and I don’t have to force it out at all

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

ok first I always see if any of my friends are busy fkdjsfkj and if they aren’t I see if they wanna just chill or w/e but otherwise just like. turning some music up and sitting in my room with a book/a couple movies I love is ideal for me on a day off. I am very simple I just like to chill

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

yes! there are two whole people in this world that I spill absolutely everything to bc I trust them with my life and esp when I’m sad bc they always make me feel better. talking to them when I’m having A Day is like I vent and instantly I am normal again. they know who they are I’m sure but for transparency’s sake, it’s u (robin) and maya, no one else gets to unlock my tragic backstories <3

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings?

relaxing evenings!

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything?

actually I am currently rewatching cycles 1 through 22 of america’s next top model, I’m on like cycle 5 rn I think. having the time of my life, thanks for asking

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

I am very much more into creative endeavors, like work-wise, but I feel like the way I think about things is much more analytical. like I prefer Making things, writing or various crafts or what have u, but even when I create I think about the things I’m doing like analytically?? so ig left-brained

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it?

boy with squirrel by john singleton copley. I love him

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

interesting question! I have no idea. maybe birds? like a finch, maybe. they seem like they have fun

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

this one is hard for me to answer bc like. I truly have no idea what a “type” is idk if that’s an ace thing or what. no? maybe? all the people I’ve had crushes on have been vastly different, in terms of like physical looks so probably not actually. I’m not attracted to muscular people tho bc I don’t think they have feelings <3

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

once again I have never pictured a date. I just want to hold hands! I think for the ideal first date question I said it just had to be going somewhere where we could Do things together, like walking around a museum or going through shops downtown or something, and that does still apply here, but for the sake of shaking it up, uhh...idk maybe staying in and watching a movie. like not at a theater no one needs to know my business like that but like. at a House. whoever’s, I’m not picky, again ideally I just want to hold hands.

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

yes. literally if the first thing u do is kiss me I am okay with it. I’m 23 someone just take the shot and kiss me already I’m going crazy over here

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to?

really looking forward to the holidays personally I got everyone some really good gifts this year and I can’t wait to hand them out. also my copy of 13 storeys is supposed to finally ship out this week, for real this time! so that’s exciting too

violet rose; what does your dream house look like?

u know that idealized house with the yellow paint and the white trim? yes. just small and cute and homey

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down?

I guess not?? I’d like to be somewhere near my mom bc she’s important to me but like. as long as I’m living with someone I love it doesn’t really matter where I don’t think

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

uh. settling down to me equates to like falling in love and living together so honestly that could happen any time. I need to get a job before we live together so I can like Help Out but like. really any time

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

I have not been to a lot of places! I’ve been to new york, and san diego, and like. phoenix outside of where I live so. actually if I can include like buildings in places I would like to say that one opera house I went to in new york. I learned I wasn’t a fan of operas BUT I also learned those chandeliers were cool as hell

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

I’m usually in a good mood, I think? my baseline mood is genuinely just like. happy/chill, pero I think the last time I felt Euphoria (tm) was a couple days ago when my mom and I made a really nice dinner together and my brother was there and we just played board games all night

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

I have this recurring habit of waking up from dreams but only barely so when I fall back asleep it feels like I just woke up within the dream? anyway the last one was like that but in one of the times I ‘woke up’ I looked out the window and instead of outside there was like this. static photo of buffalo grazing in open fields?? and it was like green screened kinda, so when I move the image moved with my line of sight it was weird. that’s how I knew it was a dream and woke myself up again, only to immediately fall back asleep and feel like I was waking up from a dream within a dream again

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

I think living with friends would be cool. like I want to have a significant other I live with but also if we lived with other friends that would be fun. kids, maybe! would be something I’d have to discuss with whatever partner I have in the future. if yes to kids, max two. also I don't want babies, preferably I would adopt older children. pets absolutely, however many doesn’t matter. I’m open to just living in a house with the love of my life and like twelve dogs, that’s ok with me

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

I do like my name! I think it’s nice and it feels like it fits me. I don’t think I’d change it ever, but if I did I think maybe I’d go with jude bc yes I do love to project <3

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

it’s a tie between suntan lotion and the lumber aisle of any hardware store

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

vanilla rooibos tea supremacy!

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

lots of flowers, first of all. also some kitchen herbs. maybe some fruits!

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

yes <3 I want to force people to listen to my pretentious horror opinions and get paid for it

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

look I just have to say it: I’m hot. last night I took a photo and saw my nose from the side and went “omg who IS she” like it’s cute. I’M cute. I’ve seen my ass in the mirror and nothing can top it, sorry

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

all I’m getting is those scenes from horror movies where eerie whistling starts and like birds start going crazy

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

I think so?? I’d like to be more financially secure, pero. I think for the most part yeah I’m alright

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

ireland and greece for sure, ireland is the one I have most planned out in my head. ig maybe england for the third one, just bc I know my mom wants to go and also I’m very bad at geography so I don’t know what counts as a country. I had to look all these up, I do want to visit them tho, genuinely! esp ireland

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

the one I’m most fluent in is spanish! and I’m still cracking along at russian, currently I can hold a conversation with like a 4 year old and we can understand each other, it’s pretty cool. I really wanna get into learning irish!! I have a few resources downloaded onto my phone I just haven’t gotten around to it yet

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

a little life <3 yes I hate it when things are sad just to be sad yes this is my favorite book I contain multitudes

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

the burbs! I’ve seen it so many times but it always hits

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

the day IS over it’s like two thirty am now but uh. drink some water before I sleep probably

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

I post the “kirby’s fucking pissed” meme on twitter and then I ask u (robin) if I can yell for like five minutes and then I feel valid and then I am normal again

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

it’s a little bit jock and it’s a little bit 1980s skater boy but the best way I can really Describe it is just “gay”

#had a lot of fun answering these personally thank u legend!#asks #a-company-of-heroes #robin

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phobidawg · 5 years ago

Text

The Archer

I wrote this a little while ago, but thought I might as well post it. It’s an angsty-with-a-sweet-ending song fic for Katniss with the song “The Archer” by Taylor Swift. I’d recommend listening to the song while/before/after you read! Spoilers for Mockingjay. Also some Everlark.

TW: Mentions of death, anxiety, and survivor’s guilt

(idk if the last two are proper triggers but I put them anyways)

Word Count- 1286

The bow is heavy in my hands. Since the war, I keep it with me at all times. Even the times when I feel safe.

Combat, I'm ready for combat.

I I pull the bow string, the grip familiar. The unexpected is never expected, but I can only prepare. One never knows when the worst can happen.

I say I don't want that, but what if I do?

I catch myself aiming at a picture on the mantle. Pulling the string back, I eye my target. Shame fills me as I avoid the blue eyes of the girl in the picture. How horrified she would’ve been at these broken parts. Of me.

'Cause cruelty, wins in the movies...

Her eyes only bring memories- memories of her death. The screams and fire of the bombings fills my senses. Cowering,My heart catches, and I grimace as I sink too the ground.

I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you.

In my mind, my eyes see her bluebell ones again. Bright and alive. Her name is born and dies on my lips. Everything I wanted to say. All of my love, my dreams, my hopes for our future-

Gone.

Easy they come, easy they go,

Gone. Gone like so many others. Their faces haunt me. Prim. Finnick. Mags. Cinna. All of them and so many more. They seem to fall out of my life as soon as they flit in.

I jump from the train, I ride off alone..

I shiver, as loneliness crawls like disease on my skin. A familiar feeling. One that that was briefly quenched in the short time they were with me. But now they’ve left me- alone. Or did I leave them?

I never grew up, it's getting so old,

I feel the same as I did as a child. But even then I had Gale. Now even he’s left me behind. Just as when I was a young girl, friendless and terrified, trying to support my family. All by myself.

Help me hold onto you...

I look to the mantel again, and my eyes settle on a different photo.

One taken after the war, of Peeta and I.

Laughing.

His joy and light fills the picture like it fills any room he’s in. I smile to myself, before her blue eyes catch mine again.

I've been the archer,

Guilt floods through me, and sobering, I grip my bow, longing for a physical enemy.

I've been the prey...

But the only enemy is my mind.

Who could ever leave me, darling?

Faces I loved swirl around me. My sister, my mother. Gale, my first friend. Madge, my second. Mags, who died for us. Finnick, who stood with me in my darkest times and brought light. Cinna, who supported me before anyone else did. And so many more. The sparks of their spirits fill me, and I smile in memory. A wave of anxiety crashed over me, and I buckle.

But who could stay?

As soon as they appear, the images are gone, leaving me only with ashes.

Dark side, I search for your dark side,

Every room she walked into was brightened. A star she was, one that burned away too quickly.

But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?

Bittersweet memories of my beloved sister fly. Window shopping for cakes. Dancing in the rain. Cooking stone soup. Hunting attempts. They bring a smile, but all the memories and framed in loss.

And I cut off my nose just to spite my face,

But then, the overdue memory of the reaping comes. My volunteer.

Then I hate my reflection for years and years.

The decision that saved my sister, my country perhaps, but destroyed myself.

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost.

In a fit of emotion, I jump to my feet, and begin to pace.

The room is on fire, invisible smoke.

I walk fast to avoid the walls crashing upon me. Breathing hard, I squeeze my eyes shut.

And all of my heroes die all alone,

Shutting my eyes only makes me feel more alone. I force them open, but the reality I see isn’t any kinder.

Help me hold onto you.

I glance at the picture of Peeta once more before curling into a ball.

I've been the archer,

The display of faces is joined not only by those I’ve loved, but those who’ve died at my hands. The nameless people of The Hunger Games and the war that ensued, innocents who stood in my way.

I've been the prey.

The faces are joined by the many who’ve hurt me. Those we wounded me physically, but mentally as well.

Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?

Next are the faces of the revolution. The rebels, who honored me as their indispensable Mockingjay.

But who could stay?

The same rebels who embraced me as their martyr when the time seemed fit.

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

The feathers, the smoke and mirrors- the grand Mockingjay.

'Cause they see right through me.

Grand former leader of the revolution.

They see right through me,

Scared teenage girl.

They see right through.

Broken.

Can you see right through me?

As broken as I am, I think of Peeta, who suffered torture at the Capital's hands. Who’s mind seemed beyond repair, yet he pursued.

They see right through,

Peeta, who is gardening.

They see right through me.

Peeta, who is putting his pieces back together.

I see right through me,

Peeta, who doesn’t hole himself in his house and hide. Hide from the world that can be cruel.

I see right through me!

And the world, that can also be beautiful.

All the king's horses, all the king's men,

They all try to help me. The doctors, Haymitch, Effie, Peeta…

Couldn't put me together again.

Medicines. Therapy. Sleep.

'Cause all of my enemies started out friends,

What they don’t know, is that they scare me the most.

Because the ones who are kind, are the ones who hurt you the most when they leave.

Help me hold onto you.

And yet, though the medicines and therapies were useless, there was always Peeta. Peeta, who can still my shaking with a touch, or clear my mind with a word.

I've been the archer.

However, with Peeta it’s difficult as well. Many times have I helped him, from physical enemy and his own mind.

I've been the prey.

There have also been doubts. Doubts that he may never be able to put himself together again.

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But through it all, he’s been protecting me.

But who could stay?

And now, he could be the one to save my mind.

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

The fears threaten to force their ways to me. I hold them at bay, focusing on the photos of Peeta.

Who could stay?

I lift myself up.

Who could stay?

Take a small step towards the door.

Who could stay?

I hear the door from downstairs opening.

You could stay.

Racing from my fears, I run down the steps and to the entrance. I see Peeta, and jump into his arms.

You could stay.

He makes a sound of surprise, but spins me around nonetheless. I sink into his embrace, and I can sense his scattered pieces picking themselves up as well.

You.

Peeta.

The Boy with the Bread.

The only one who has been on my side, no matter what.

Combat, I'm ready for combat

The one I would give my life to protect.

Always.

Perhaps these broken parts can be fixed after all.

#everlark #the hunger games #tgh #hunger games fanfiction #katniss angst #my fanfic #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #tw: mentions of death #tw: anxiety #mockingjay spoilers

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queer-things-and-stuff · 4 years ago

Note

Appearance Ask Meme

Rules: Get to know my mutuals better! Send to 5 mutuals you want to be able to picture in your head. Answer the questions you want to 🤭

1) Eye colour?

2) Height?

3) Hair (colour/length/style)?

4) Do you have freckles?

5) Do you tan easily?

6) Do you wear glasses?

7) Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

8) What would you classify your style as?

9) What celeb do you look the most like?

10) Are you athletic/curvy/skinny?

11) What’s your favourite feature?

12) What’s your least favourite feature?

13) Post a selfie?

1) My eyes are dark brown

2) I'm 5'6

3) My hair is very very dark brown (people always think it's black) at its roots and then light almost platinum blonde at the top, its short cause I shaved my head a few months ago, and its very curly.

4) No, I do not have any freckles.

5) I mean I guess.... I'm black so I just get darker.... but I don't go outside very often (like I literally have a really bad vitamin d deficiency) during the summer I do get darker pretty quickly though so I'll just say yes.

6) Yes, I do wear glasses, because I'm blind as fuck.

7) No tattoos yet, I have my ears pierced.

8) Uuuummm, idk really. I've been asked this question before and I can never seem to answer it so I just show pictures of outfits I've worn. I guess I'd say like a modern day young 'stylish' guy. I shop almost exclusively at H&M, but I'm also kinda preppy, and I have alot of Hawaiian dad shirts, and I love wearing suits.

9) I honestly have no idea. When I was a kid my brother and sisters used to say I looked like Corbin Blue, but that was mostly just because he had a curly afro and so did I, but now my hair is really short cause I shaved my head; and I bleached it blonde so. 🤷🏾‍♀️

10) I like to run, but I'm not athletic (if that makes any sense). I'm definitely not skinny, and I'm not curvy, I'm just fat.

11) My favorite feature about myself? Uumm, hmm. I guess my jawline. Although I have been getting a double chin recently. I used to say my nose too cause I thought it was cute but recently its been looking pretty big to me (not that people with big noses aren't cute asf, but mine just doesn't suit me).

12) My least favorite feature would probably be my boobs. I don't like em. Barely even want em at all, and I'm definitely gonna get a reduction.

13) lol I've posted pictures of myself before. I haven't really been taking alot of pictures of myself I guess just I'm cause feeling less confident. I'll look for one but It might be old.

Wait a second I just realized that my icon is a picture of me. Y'all, just look at my icon. I'm right there. Thats me. Its an old photo but still.

#ask #thanks for the ask

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

Text

819

what is a food that you’d hate to be allergic to?: Omg SEAFOOD. Can’t live without it. If I was allergic to it I’d be that person who brings tons of antihistamines everywhere I go so I can power through when eating crabs and mussels and shrimp. I just can’t live a life of being forced to watch others eat seafood while I can’t lol.

what color was the last towel you used?: Light blue.

would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you? Same height or a tad bit taller is fine; I’m not super particular when it comes to height.

when was the last time your nose bled? My nose has never bled before and I dread the day it happens for the first time, because I’m totally unprepared and blood freaks me out and I will highkey probably pass out for a bit hahaha.

how old are you turning this year?: I already turned 22 last April. Considering the circumstances, my birthday had surprisingly gone really well too.

what is your favorite thing to snack on while watching a movie?: French fries from Potato Corner. My go-to bucket size is Mega and I will typically request my order to be 1/2 barbecue and 1/2 cheese fries. I’ll feel super uneasy if I don’t have that exact order when watching a movie at the cinema.

swimming pool or hot tub?: So I had to look up hot tub because I wanted to know how it’s different from a jacuzzi, and holyyyyy crap I’ve learned something new - Jacuzzi is a brand of hot tubs, wtfreak my life has been a lie I thought it was a word!!! Hahaha in any case, I do prefer hot tubs more. I’ve always felt dirty hanging around in swimming pools.

can you swim well? I’m not able to perform any of the strokes like an Olympic athlete, but I can tread well and for a good amount of time.

what body part do you wash first in the shower?: Not really a part of the body per se but I’ve always washed my hair first.

who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? No thanks, I find that too invasive.

what kind of first impression do you think you make? Cold and a little aloof, which isn’t too far off from the truth especially if I’m not approached first. If someone does talk to me for the first time, it’ll depend on their body language whether I’ll choose to continue to be reserved, or if I’d want to be bubbly and vibrant around them.

name your last reason for using a camera? My dad honked his horn as he parked in the carport to let us know he was home, and my dog ran up the screen door and sat patiently to wait for him to come inside, his tail wagging the whole time.

where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? Sometimes I’ll line up our dining chairs together so it can turn to some sort of bed, and I’ve been falling asleep on that often lately.

what are you excited about? To drink the rest of this milk tea my dad bought me :) He went out to run some errands and I guess he’s been hearing me talk about how I miss having milk tea, so he went out of his way to go to a Chatime and get drinks for me and my sister.

seven days from now, will you be in a relationship? Yes.

are you a happy person? My emotions are always all over the place. I’m never consistently in a certain mood.

when was the last time you laughed really hard & why? I was bored and missing normal life last night so I went through my uploaded photos on Twitter so I can see what I used to do before everything went downhill...and by doing that, I realized that I’m quite good at tweeting HAHAHA most of my captions made me laugh and my content/photos weren’t all that bland or bad either. Idk, this is one instance where I can confidently say that I’m funny hahaha.

what are you wearing? A UP shirt and a pair of shorts.

what do you want? For my college to post the official list of graduating students for this school year so that I can finally partake in the tradition of changing my Facebook DP to my senior photo. I REALLY love how my portrait turned out and I can’t wait for my loved ones to see it.

did you enjoy your weekend? It was okay I guess. My mom was annoyingly cranky throughout Saturday for no reason, but it mellowed out by the next day and that’s good enough for me. Other than that, it was just as uneventful as the last three months have been.

do you regret anything you’ve done recently? Just little stuff that I get over quickly like, “oh I regret making this coffee at 11 PM because it’s now 3 AM and I’m jumpy as fuck.” But no big regrets recently.

is there anybody you wish you could see? For fucking sure. I don’t even have to tell y’all who it is.

have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with j or m? Nope. I almost went out with an M, though.

how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 2 3/4 lol. I trust Andrew 110%...and I mooooostly trust my dad. Not with every single topic under the sun, but I still trust him a whole lot nonetheless.

do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? I hope I will be by then.

what makes you mad most about girls? Definitely wanna avoid generalizing in this question but the way some girls will fawn over men is super hypocritical and that bugs me to no end. Girls shaming other girls for a range of things is also annoying, whether it’s over wearing too much makeup, not wearing makeup, choosing to abort, physical appearances, their diet, etc. Some really need to mind their own fucking business.

have you ever been given roses? Yes.

do you even like getting flowers? I love receiving stems or bouquets but I’m not obsessed with them in that I wanna get them regularly. Giving me flowers for Valentine’s Day or on our anniversary is more than enough for me.

what’s your favorite flowers? Peonies.

could you go out in public looking like you do now? No. I’d change my shorts.

who’s the first person you texted today? I haven’t texted anyone today.

would you move to another state to be with the person you loved? That’s a toughie...it would depend on the opportunities I have wherever I live in the present, and whether there are better ones where my partner is. I’m young and still building up my career, so realistically I’d wanna look out for myself first instead of clumsily jumping in headfirst for love lol.

how’s the weather today? It’s strangely warm and humid and uncomfortable, which is annoyinggggg. News has said that the wet/rainy season already begun, so I don’t know why the sun is still hanging around and being, again, annoying.

what color are your eyes? Really dark brown, almost black.

do you like poptarts? In my country we only get the same five flavors but my favorite out of all of them is chocolate fudge. I really wish we had a wider selection though :(

where will you be 12 hours frm now? Getting ready for bed most likely.

is it easy for others to make you feel intimidated? No. I’m usually the one who involuntarily makes others feel intimidated, oops.

do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? Not exactly but it’s definitely gonna be one of the several tops and shorts I’ve just been repeatedly wearing at home since March.

are you on a desktop or laptop? Laptop. I haven’t used a desktop in ages.

does anyone hate you for no reason? I’m sure one or two people do, but I genuinely can’t care less.

what are you planning to do today? Finish my milk tea, maybe take another survey or two, eat the salted egg chips that my dad bought, and, if it cools down later in the day, take a quick nap.

play an instrument? I can play the recorder. I also memorize several songs on the piano, but the key word there is memorize lmao. I just know which keys to press due to watching covers over and over; but I can’t read notes, I don’t know which letters match which keys, have no idea what major and minor is, and I basically know absolutely nothing about using a piano.

would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Just to get closure from certain people or events. If I can go back in time I’d spend more time with my late grandpa, for one.

where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? I’ve already forgotten.

have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an r? No. I’m an R though, heh.

have you ever passed out? Yeah numerous times. I’m a big fainter, which just sounds so uncool lmfao.

are you easily confused? Yes I feel lost quite easily. I’m often the butt of my friends’ jokes because of this, but I don’t mind hahaha.

do you think you would make a good wife/husband? I like to think that I would be, but I dunno. I’m still insanely young and I know I’ll be a completely different person with different priorities, mindset, attitude, etc., by the time I get married. It’s too early to tell.

what’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Cookies and cream. Queso real is also a really good flavor and it was my favorite for some time before my taste shifted to cookies and cream.

do you like coffee? Love coffee.

do you like summer? I like it when I get to go to the beach or when my family books trips out of town or the country, but I reeeeeally could do without the hot and sticky weather. It’s definitely not my favorite period of the year.

where were you at 8am this morning? I was asleep for half of it, then by 8:30 I was up and scrolling through Facebook.

do you fall for people easily? No. That is one thing I can’t do as a demisexual haha.

everything happens for a reason? This is usually my mindset, yes. It helps me process and accept circumstances better and much more quickly.

have you ever dated someone more than once? Yup, Gab and I have broken up before.

who have you texted in the last 24 hours? No one. Not really big on texting these days as I’ve been using Messenger to contact people throughout the quarantine.

what color nail polish is on your toes? My toes are never painted.

do you find members of the preferred sex confusing? People of any gender have the potential to be confusing. < This.

what are you listening to right now? Right now all I can hear is the work being done for the new house that’s being constructed in front of ours, so I’ll hear the occasional shoveling of stones and trucks coming in and out of the construction zone. The last music I listened to was the Presto from Summer of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons because Portrait of a Lady on Fire always makes me feel things.

how has the week been? It hasn’t been horrible, I’ll give it that. I’ve been revisiting my old fandoms out of boredom but it’s turned out to be a lot of fun; my mom brought home cupcakes at the start of the week; I had milk tea today; and we just had Kimi groomed this afternoon so his fur is all gone and now he looks like a giant rat.

is there something you wish you could tell someone but can’t? I wish I could have respectful debates with my Duterte- and/or Trump-supporting relatives, but I know that’s impossible.

what are your biggest turn offs? People who: can only hold shallow conversations, are disrespectful to those in the service industry; are casually homophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic, and/or fatphobic; take their religion way too seriously; and neglect their pets.

favorite shirt to wear? My CM Punk Best in the World shirt, without a doubt. I’ve been wearing it semi-regularly for nine years and have absolutely no intention of throwing it out.

favorite drink? Depends on my mood and the occasion. If I’m studying I’d wanna have coffee with me, if I’m casually dining at a restaurant I’d be happy with iced water, etc.

last person to say ‘i love you’ to you? Gab.

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yeah, but when that’s gonna happen again I still have no idea...

what’s your favorite color gummy bear? I always find myself reaching for the red ones.

what is the nicest part of the opposite sex’s body? I don’t consistently stare at a certain part of a guy’s body.

have you ever run into a dishwasher? No, those aren’t common here.

ever had a song sung about/for you? Nope.

is there a baby in the room with you right now? No, not technically. But I do consider my pets to be my babies. < Same. Kimi, now a giant rodent, is walking around the living room at the moment but he never strays too far from me.

where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or other? CAAAAAAAAAR. This is a big reason why I miss driving, I haven’t been able to belt out in a while.

what is your favorite thing that is green? I don’t own a lot of green stuff since it’s my least favorite color...buuuuut I do have a printed flowy dress that I just love to wear, and it’s mostly olive green.

what did your last text message say? It’s an automated text from a vet clinic I went to last December telling me that I should bring Kimi back for a checkup. I appreciate the gesture but I’m not going back there after how condescending the vet was acting towards me.

what is the way to your heart? Acts of service has been my love language for the longest time.

what do you smell like? I smell nothing off of me now but I do know that I don’t smell unpleasant, because if I did I would’ve noticed it immediately and would feel more conscious.

what’s in your pocket? I don’t have any.

anything in your mouth? Not right now but I’ve been sipping milk tea with pearls all afternoon.

ever hurt yourself playing wii? Only after my first day of playing Wii Sports. It was like a workout for my tiny 10 year old body and I woke up all sore the next morning.

do you have freckles? No, not a common feature here.

what’s the last movie you saw in the theater? Knives Out.

ever jumped/fallen/been pushed in a pool with your clothes on? Noooooooooo. I feel like that’s super uncomfortable; I’ve always entered pools with a swimsuit or bikini. My glare is usually enough for people to understand that I wouldn’t appreciate being thrown into a pool while I still had clothes on.

are you wearing any clothes that you wore yesterday? Technically. I took a shower in the evening and changed into the clothes I’m wearing now, but that was in the evening so it’s not like I wore them all day yesterday.

name a song that you know all the words to: Every single Paramore song. Guaranteed.

what’s the last thing you watched on tv? If we’re really going with a physical TV, the last thing I watched was Descendants of the Sun when I used the Netflix app on our TV. The last series I watched in general was Friends.

what can you hear right now? Two fans whirring in the living room.

did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday? I’m slightly better today. I’m glad Kimi has finally been groomed since his fur had knotted up in the last couple of weeks. Plus I also have milk tea today, and that’s always a winner :)))

are you close to your siblings? With my sister, but we treat each other like buddies and are more of the tough-love type. We banter more than anything and we don’t hold heart to heart talks.

do you bite your nails? No we have a nail cutter at home that I use. If I’m going through a period of heightened anxiety I will bite my nails though.

do you like your feet? Uh, I guess. I’m not complaining about them? but I’m also not attracted to feet. Mine are just there and I’m fine with them.

do you sleep well at night? For the most part.

#survey #surveys

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memesiders · 5 years ago

Text

Part 3

Death x OC Office AU

(Idk if you guys are even still interested in this but it's helping me get back into writing so imma keep posting it until y'all tell me "STOP!!!" Also I'm on mobile so I can't do a "keep reading" thing I'm so sorry I know it must be annoying)

“Do these leggings make my ass look to big?” I stood sideways in front of the mirror, studying my butt. Today was my first official day on the job, and I was nervous as hell.

“Everything makes your butt look big,” Neema answered, giggling. I scowled at her and stuck my tongue out, turning back to the mirror.

“Seriously, is this okay? Professional enough?”

“Ugh, it’s fine!” She joined me in front of the mirror and grabbed the hem of my baby pink top, pulling it down over my butt. “You look great, alright? It’s not like you’re gonna go to meetings or anything, right? No need for stuffy clothes.” I smiled a little and nodded. She was right, but I still felt uneasy. Maybe my outfit was too casual. “You don’t have time to change anyways, it’s almost eight thirty.”

“Shit!” I grabbed my phone and bag, running out of the room. “Love you, don’t answer the door for strangers!” Neema had gotten a three-day suspension from school after the incident, not that she minded. I hated leaving her alone, but she was sixteen and I had to stop babying her at some point, even if I didn’t like it.

“Go kick ass at work!” she called after me. I picked up my small box of things next to the door and said one last goodbye before running out.

I barely made it in time to catch the bus. I paid the two-dollar fee and searched for a seat, weaving through people. A demon standing in the aisle moved forward as much as he could to allow me to pass, his leathery wings barely missing my face as I squeezed by. Getting hit by wings wasn’t fun, I knew that from personal experience. I ducked behind an angel who was preoccupied on her cellphone and spotted an empty seat, breathing a sigh of relief. I plopped down and set the box next to me, checking the time. Eight forty.

It should only take me ten minutes to reach the office if traffic is light. I mentally cursed myself for not leaving sooner; arriving late would not be a good look for me. Amber had emailed me on Thursday to let me know my schedule and tell me who would be there to show me around. She also informed me that this was a trial run. At the end of three months, Death would decide whether or not I really could be useful. I was hellbent on proving myself, though my mission had gotten off to a late start.

I sighed and checked my email but I had nothing but spam and notifications telling me that my favorite items were on sale. Too bad I didn’t have money to burn, otherwise I’d have been excited by the news. I closed the app and checked another site, my mood not getting any better. All I saw were pictures of friends and families having the time of their lives, vacationing in the Caribbean or announcing their engagement. Apparently, my cousin was pregnant with a baby boy, oh joy. I groaned to myself as I continued to look through my timeline, feeling worse about my situation. I wanted to be able to take my sisters on vacation; hell, I wanted to be able to afford to buy them lunch one day.

I wanted to be able to buy Neema all the manga she could ever want, and make enough so Safiya never had to work another double shift again. I wanted to be able to take care of them for once.

I logged off and threw my phone in my bag, trying to ignore my pathetic self. I had a job, and that was good enough for now. I’d be able to help buy groceries and pay bills; the fun stuff could wait. My stop came up and I gathered my things, making my way back to the front. The angel from earlier was still on the phone and hadn’t noticed me. She turned to get off as I was trying to get past her and smacked me right in the face with her large wings. I fell back into one of the seats, my face stinging and mouth full of feathers.

The person in that seat shoved me forward and I stumbled to the exit, getting off as fast as I could. I set my box down and spat out the feathers in my mouth, plucking a few out of my hair. Today was definitely not starting out the best. I grabbed my things and started down the street, attempting to hold myself high. Nothing was going to ruin this, not even what had just happened.

I crossed the street and arrived at the large black building, my heart leaping into my throat. The last time I’d been here, I’d been forcibly removed. Now I was coming back as an employee. Well, temporary employee, for now. I exhaled the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding and pulled open one of the glass doors, walking in. The lobby didn’t look any different than it had the last time I saw it; black leather sofas and chairs pressed against the walls, magazines stacked neatly on glass coffee tables. The floor and walls were made of black marble, as was the front desk. There was a waterfall on one of the walls with a small pool filled with pennies. I’d tossed one in yesterday, wishing for the job I was now about to officially begin. I smiled and felt a weight lift off of my shoulders; this was a new beginning.

“You’re late.” I flinched and sucked in a sharp breath, twirling around. Leaning against the wall was Death, a frown plastered on his face and an eyebrow arched.

“You scared the shit out of me,” I hissed, taking one hand off of the box to place over my heart. “Do you get your rocks off by sneaking up on people?” He cocked his head slightly and I bit my tongue. That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say to my new boss. “I, uh, I mean…” He stared at me silently, the quiet between us growing awkward, at least on my part. I shook myself. “I’m not late.”

“It’s nine o’ two.” I snorted. Shit, bad idea again. “I told you nine sharp.”

“I know, I’m sorry. There was a problem at home and then the bus-” He put his hand up, cutting me off, and pushed off the wall.

“Come,” he said, crooking a finger. I refrained from rolling my eyes and followed him. He looked at me for a moment and reached out, touching my hair. I jerked back a little and his hand returned with an angel feather in hand. I blushed. “Run in with an angel?”

“An inconsiderate one,” I replied. He hummed in amusement and nodded, turning back around and walking. My eyes wandered his body as I walked behind him, gaze settling on his ass. Nice. I was so caught up in appreciating him I nearly ran right into him when he stopped. “This is Nora.” I quickly looked up as he turned and gestured to the red-haired woman behind the front desk. “She’ll be your coworker and mentor. If you have any questions, ask her.” I smiled at the woman and shook her hand. “Now, I trust I won’t be hearing any complaints about you? After all, you can take whatever I throw at you, right?” I squinted my eyes a little, giving him a sickeningly sweet smile.

“I won’t be any problem at all, Death, you have my word.”

“Sir.”

“Hmm?”

“At work, you will address me as "Sir.” I held back another snort.

“Kinky,” I muttered under my breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, Sir.” He stared at me for a few seconds, a strange glint in his eye.

“Don’t make me regret hiring you, Miss Banks,” he said. He sounded as though he was already regretting it.

“I won’t let you down, Sir.” He let out a breath that almost sounded like a chuckle and said goodbye to both Nora and I before leaving. I stared after him, a small smile on my face; that man was something else.

“I’m glad he finally found someone,” Nora said. I snapped my head back to her.

“What?”

“To fill the job,” she explained. “I thought I’d never be able to cut back my hours.” Warmth spread through my cheeks and I nodded, smiling politely.

“I didn’t think he’d hire me to be honest,” I laughed. “He must love me.” She laughed and pulled up a chair for me, sitting in her own. I gladly sat down, setting my box in my lap.

“The only love the boss has is for his siblings, I’m afraid.” I frowned slightly.

“Really? I saw him with his brother during my interview and he seemed like he’d have thrown him through the window if he had the chance.” Nora laughed.

“Which one? Strife?” I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever seen those two get along, though they might behind closed doors; I’ve only ever interacted with them at work.” I nodded slowly. I wondered how people saw me and my sisters. We loved each other to eternity, but in public it could definitely seem like we didn’t care for each other.

Maybe that was how Death and his siblings were?

“Anyways, I’m glad you’re here,” Nora said, breaking me out of my thoughts. “That means I can spend less time at work and more time with my little one.”

“You have a kid?” I asked. Her smile widened and she nodded, grabbing her phone and showing me her wallpaper. It was her, a bald man, and a tiny baby. It looked cute, I guess; a button nose, big green eyes and a head of black hair. I wasn’t particularly into kids. Maybe if I had a more stable life and the right person, but I never really saw the appeal. “Cute, how old are they?”

“Ten weeks,” she cooed, staring lovingly at the photo. “She’s a bit of a troublemaker but I couldn’t imagine life without her. I just want to spend every moment I can with her.” I nodded and she put her phone away, still looking like she was on cloud nine. “I’m lucky to work here. Death was very accommodating and gave me more time off than I deserved, really. When I asked to cut back my hours, he didn’t even flinch; just gave me the time I wanted and told me I’d have to train whoever he hired next.”

I smiled; that was really kind of him. Way kinder than I thought he was capable of; perhaps we’d just gotten off on the wrong foot? “Anyways, enough about me! We should probably get a crack on, shouldn’t we? There’s a busy day ahead of us.”

“Yes, we probably should,” I agreed.

****

The week flew by faster than I was expecting. Nora had showed me around the building and explained to me all of my duties. Faxing, taking calls, making calls, scheduling appointments, emailing reminders and updates, making sure visitors were checked in and given passes, keeping the lobby clean, collect and sort mail, deliver mail on some occasions, and so much more my head was spinning. The fact that she had done so much by herself for so long was baffling. No one person should’ve been able to do all she had. It almost made me regret taking the job. The paycheck coming up was the only thing keeping me sane.

“Just three more days,” I muttered, doodling on my notepad. My stomach rumbled loudly, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I winced and curled over a little, nausea washing over me like a wave. We were scrambling to save food at home, which meant eating less than was good for us. It had been messing with me lately and today way no different. I felt like throwing up, but I knew nothing would come out if I did. There was nothing in there to vomit up.

“Az, are you okay,” Nora asked, hanging up her phone. I straightened out and gave her a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied, ignoring the pain in my stomach. “Just a little hungry is all.”

“Well, lunch is coming up, so don’t worry; we’ll get some food in ya then.” I nodded at her, appreciative of her kindness. I really wanted to tell her “I don’t have money for lunch! My next meal is probably gonna come out of a trashcan!” but I didn’t. I really didn’t want anyone knowing how pathetic I was that I couldn’t even afford lunch.

“Sounds great,” was all I said. She smiled at me and picked up another call. She was only on the phone for about a minute. “Looks like the boss wants to see you.” I frowned. What had I done? I hadn’t caused trouble; at least, not enough to warrant attention. I blew out an exhausted breath and pushed away from my desk, standing.

“Alright, I guess I’ll be seeing you in a bit.” She nodded and turned back to her computer screen, typing away at an email. I went to the elevators and pushed the up button, resting my hands on my hips. I was confused, to say the least. I hadn’t raised trouble at all. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; some guy had decided to try and get handsy with me while I was delivering some mail. He’d gotten his nose broken.

I’d had to file a report about it but I hadn’t been reprimanded, nor had I heard anything about it since then. Maybe it was just now getting around to Death. I frowned a little; he better not have called me up to his office to punish me. That would piss me off more than anything else he’s done since our first meeting.

The elevator dinged, the doors opening up, and I stepped in. I smashed the top floor button and leaned back against the metal handlebar, blowing a few strands of hair out of my face. I couldn’t help but be nervous. “Maybe it’s not anything bad,” I said to myself. “Maybe he’s just curious about how you’re doing? Or he wants you to do something for him? Something that Amber can’t do? Fuck…” I shook my head and straightened up as the elevator once again dinged. I breathed deeply as the doors opened, and stepped out.

Amber didn’t even look up when I walked out, gave me the go ahead to enter Death’s office. I thanked her and quietly opened one of the doors, slipping in. Death was against his desk, half sitting and half standing, with his office phone pressed to his ear. His face was contorted into a scowl, his jaw clenched tightly and the vein in his neck popping.

“I’m not going,” he growled into the phone, thrumming his fingers against the desk. “I have no need!” The person on the other end was shouting back at him, I could hear it from my position in front of the now closed door. “I don’t care what they want, they have you, War, and Strife; that should be enough for them!" The person they were talking to got even louder, and I could hear it was a woman’s voice. “Don’t threaten me, Fury.” His face was getting red, his eyes burning brightly.

Suddenly he pushed away from the desk and threw his hand up. “As I said, I have no need to-” Fury cut him off. Death still hadn’t noticed me, so I cleared my throat loudly enough to grab his attention. He looked at me and snapped his fingers, pointing to a chair. Without thinking, I obeyed, hurrying over and plopping myself down into the seat; I had no doubt he was angry enough to fire me right then and there if I didn’t listen. I could hear a few of Fury’s words now that I was closer.

Words like “council,” and “party,” and “pull up your big boy pants before I come down there and beat you senseless.” There was also the threat of dragging him by the ear to whatever party they were all supposed to be at. I nearly laughed; this must’ve been his sister, because there was no way anyone else would’ve been able to get away with saying the things she was. After a few more minutes of fighting, Death conceded. “Fine,” he huffed, falling into his chair. “I’ll be there, but don’t expect me to play nice with others.” Fury had calmed down now too, I couldn’t hear her anymore, but I was sure she was satisfied and probably had a smug look on her face. Death said his goodbyes and hung up the phone, muttering curses under his breath. He sighed and rubbed his temples slowly, running a hand through his hair. I shifted awkwardly.

“Are you okay, Sir,” I asked softly, unsure of whether or not I should say anything. He grunted and looked at me, straightening in his seat.

“I’m fine, thank you.” I nodded, tugging at the hem of my skirt.

“Nora said you wanted me up here? Is this about that asshole on the third floor? I won’t apologize for breaking his nose, you know.” Death snorted and shook his head, his demeanor changing. He looked less annoyed than he had just a moment ago.

“Don’t worry, it’s not about that,” he assured me. “He deserved it, and has been properly removed from the company.” My eyes widened slightly; I hadn’t expected that. I thought he’d just get a slap on the wrist or something. Death clasped his hands together and cocked his head slightly. “No, I called you up here to ask how you were settling in. Anything too much for you?” I frowned a little and shrugged.

“Not really,” I explained. “It’s a little difficult having to remember everything but Nora’s been a big help. I’m worried that I might be annoying her with all of my questions.” I laughed a little and the corner of his lips turned up slightly.

“Don’t apologize; I’d rather have you ask a lot of questions and be prepared than ask none and mess things up. I’m sure Nora feels the same way.” I nodded appreciatively. My stomach rumbled loudly and I blushed.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No need. Have you had lunch yet?” I shook my head. “I should probably let you get to it then. It’s around your break time, I believe.” I nodded and thanked him, standing. The world started to swim and I felt my heart leap into my throat, my vision blurring further. My legs gave out without warning and I fell back into my seat, breathing heavily. Death was by my side almost immediately. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sorry,” I said, rubbing my throbbing head. “I just haven’t been able to eat much lately.” I bit my tongue after the last word came out and silently cursed myself.

“What?” he asked, concern lacing his words. “What do you mean?”

“It’s nothing, really. I’m sorry for worrying you.” I tried to stand but Death sat me back down. I couldn’t really put up much of a fight.

“What do you mean, Aziza?” I looked up at him, my heart pounding. Again, with the reaction? Why did it make me feel so strange whenever he said my name? I stared into his eyes, my face growing warm, and shrugged.

“There’s not much food in the house so I’ve had to skip a few meals. It’s no big deal, I just have to wait a few days for my paycheck.” He frowned at my words and I gave him a small smile. “I’ll be fine, I just felt a little faint. It won’t affect my work, I promise.” He scoffed.

“Stay here,” he ordered, leaving me. He went to the doors and opened one of them, sticking his head out and talking to Amber. He came back a minute later and sat down behind his desk. “I had Amber order some food for you.” My eyes widened.

“You what?” I squeaked.

“I had her order a cheeseburger. Unless you’re a vegetarian?”

“I’m not, but-”

“Good, then you can wait here until the food arrives.” I stared at him, my mouth open slightly. Had he really just ordered me food? Why? I couldn’t afford to pay him back. Was he gonna take it out of my paycheck? I felt an odd sensation at the thought of him doing something like that for me; a sensation I didn’t know if I liked or not.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said, trying not to sound too defensive. “I’m fine, and it’s not like you owe me anything. I need to get back to work anyways.” He rested his chin on his clasped hands, studying me carefully. My face grew warm again and I stared back at him.

“Yes, I did have to,” he said coolly. “You work in my building, which means I’m responsible for you. If you collapse on the job then I’ll have to give you time off to recover; time neither of us can afford. Nora will have to keep on full time until you recover and by the time you come back, you’ll have forgotten how everything works. Besides, I can’t have a starving receptionist; your hunger will make you forget things and then I’d have to fire you, and then where would you be? You’d be starving… Again.” I blinked, thinking over his words. He wasn’t doing this out of the kindness of his heart, which reassured me a little, but I was still uncomfortable. Even though it all made rational sense, I still felt uneasy about it.

“Okay, you’ll take it out of my pay, right?”

“No.” I sat up straighter.

“What? You have to; I don’t feel comfortable just letting you-”

“Is it that much of a deal?” He sounded amused. His lips had formed a small smirk.

“Yes, it is. You’re my boss and you’re just buying me food like I’m your girlfriend or something.” He hummed a little and leaned back in his seat, shrugging his shoulders.

“Fine, if it means that much to you, then there is something I’d like you to do.”

“Anything,” I quickly replied, feeling a bit of relief. “As long as I can do something to pay you back.” He cocked his head, a fang peeking out from his upper lip. A shiver ran down my spine.

“The company is hosting a party tomorrow night and my presence has been demanded,” he explained, rolling his eyes. “I need a date.” My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “It’s not a real date, but my sister insists I bring someone; something about she doesn’t want me embarrassing her.” I started to ask why he didn’t take Amber, but he beat me to it. “My brothers will be there, and Amber and Strife are not friendly with each other. Also, she has plans for that night.” I nodded, my stomach twisting into knots. My palms started to sweat and I clenched my hands into fists. I couldn’t exactly say no, not after he bought me food. I didn’t even know why he was asking me; we weren’t exactly friendly with one another. In fact, this was the first time since I’d began working here that we’d seen each other.

“Why ask me?”

“Why not?” I frowned, cocking my head like he’d done not long ago. That wasn’t really the answer I wanted, but it looked like that was the only one I was getting.

“I don’t exactly have the clothing for a party, and I don’t know how I should act.”

“You don’t have to act any way, just be yourself. As for clothes, I’ll have something picked up for you.” This was too weird to get my head wrapped around. “You don’t have to come with me, Aziza.” I flicked my eyes back to his. “I can face my sister’s wrath, don’t worry. I only asked because you seem bent on repaying me.”

“I’ll do it,” I quickly replied. “I’m just worried I’ll embarrass you or something.” That wasn’t exactly a lie. I was worried about doing something embarrassing, I just wasn’t worried about it affecting him.

“Strife will be the embarrassing one, don’t worry about that.” I scoffed playfully and leaned back in my seat. “I’m serious, Aziza, you don’t have to come.”

“I said I’ll do it and I’ll do it.” My words were final. I wasn’t going to back out because I was a little uncomfortable, even though that’s exactly what I wanted to do. Death hummed softly and stared at me, an almost soft look in his eyes. “Just know that I have a hard time keeping a filter on myself.” Death chuckled.

“Perfect.”

#darksiders #darksiders 2 #office au #death #death x oc

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prorevenge · 6 years ago

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Destroy my childhood, ruin my chance at college, and laugh when I said I was homeless? Lol cool, I'll ruin your life.

Long story. TL;DR at the end.

BACKSTORY: My mother was a really shitty person. I have 4 other siblings. One older sister, 3 way younger, 3 different dads. Before I was born (im a male btw), my oldest sister was taken away from my mother when she was a few months old because she tried to stab/slice the father of my sister WHILE HE WAS HOLDING HER. She lost custody and the dude left her. Older sister goes to live with her fathers family in a different city. CUE LIL OL ME COMING INTO THIS SEXY WORLD. My dad went to jail 2-3 years after I was born for a while, I rarely saw him. He's an alcoholic if that matters. She was a single mother but she made it work and she worked hard. One of the bigger problems was that she took out all her agression and hatred of my father on me as well as work stress and etc. She dealt with sexual abuse growing up which I'm sure definitely affected her relationships and how she treated me as well. Anyways...

Cue me being abused from the age of 4-5 to about 17. Every day was hell. She was extremely strict and her perspective was warped. She was also pretty big in stature and had alot of strength. Examples of her being shitty: I've gotten beaten up badly once because HER room was dirty. The dishes weren't washed and I got beaten soon as I got home, even if there werent dishes when I left to school. If i walked too loud, id get my ass beat. She broke my nose for looking at her the wrong way on my 10th birthday when she brought me a cake I was allergic too(It had peanuts, she knows im slightly allergic but feigned ignorance..) It was more or less every day or every other day. She used her fists/elbows/extension cords/hangers/chairs/canes/bats/etc. Whatever she could find I was getting beaten with. I couldn't ever escape to my room for long because she would always call me every few minutes to get her things or to yell at me. She never drank or did drugs or anything. Whenever she was upset and I happened to be in front of her she'd kick me down the stairs to make me hurry up. She's put a knife to my neck before and had to be forcibly stopped by her bf of the time. Burned my christmas presents from other people (she didnt get me anything that year) and just other really shitty things. The only thing I will say, she tried really hard to make up for it with video games and electronics and etc. It didn't make a difference to me though, it never helped.

She controlled most aspects of my life. I got by with little petty revenges. Peeing in the lipton iced tea she drank. Rubbing her forks and spoons between ny buttcheeks before i served her dinner. Ignoring her screams for help when she had kidney stones (how tf am i supposed to help anyways??) But by the time i got to highschool I turned to alcohol. I resented her and the negative atmosphere affected who I was as a person. I started to be cold and uncaring. Calculated. She started kicking me out every few months telling me to find somewhere else to live by age 15. She sent me away to a different country for a year and tried to keep my passport but I made it back to the US with the help of the embassy and my step father (she'd already left by that time and found some other dude). I came back senior year with no credits for the prior grade which ended with me getting a GED. I spent most of the time i could with my best friend and started working shitty jobs. I was terrible at saving as i had accumulated loads of shitty habits while growing up so it didnt make much difference. She eventually told me that If i went to college, I would ALWAYS have a place to live until I finished. Cue my first 2 semesters at a 2 year college, I maintained a 3.7ish gpa. My teachers loved me and it was my escape. Towards the end of my 2nd semester during finals, i came home late one night around 10pm and my mother yanks the door open screaming in my face asking when I'll move out. I'm slightly drunk and decide to completely ignore her and walk to my room. If I opened my mouth, that day would be the day I blew up and cursed her out. I've rarely ever raised my voice at her because it never ended well. Now at this point im 19 and I've been doing school full time with no savings. Im also fairly fit and could easily take my mom at this point (Never laid a hand on her or any woman, i hate violence). I get to my room, she rips my door open, and starts yelling. I say nothing and stare at her. She walks away and called the police on me saying she thought id murder her and my younger siblings. I don't know where the fuck she got that idea from as she's the one who's nearly killed me many times.

I packed everything into a duffle bag and left 5 minutes afterwards. I failed all of my finals because I couldnt make it to my school. Things kinda spiraled and the next 2-3 years were me on and off homeless. I survived the best I could in a big city with no college degree and made alot of shitty choices due to my shitty habits. Eventually i found a profitable hobby that gave me meaning and through that i started to work my way up. Got my own apartment, had a full time job, and did my hobby on the side. I hadn't kept up contact with my mother at all but my younger sister who was old enough to have a phone found me on social media so i saw photos and such, she didn't have it anywhere near as bad but she did get beaten occasionally. My mother reached out via email all smiles asking how I've been. Now guys, ive always been envious of the relationship most ppl have with their moms so I gave her a chance and gave her a call. We talked for a few minutes and everything was civil and seemed like things would go okay but then...

She asked me what I've been up to the last few years and I told her honestly, that I was homeless for a while and struggled alot after what she did to me but I worked my way out of it. SHE LITERALLY LAUGHS. She laughed for a few seconds in a very condescending kinda chuckle and then said "I never did a thing to you so you don't know what abuse is! its your own damn fault you were homeless. So how about yo-" but by that point I hung up. I was speechless and fuming. I don't know what abuse is? OKAY BITCH. IVE SPENT TOO FUCKING LONG LETTING YOU DESTROY MY SANITY. NOW IS THE TIME.

There was a few things my mother didn't know. One, I knew for a fact that current well paying job she had was gotten on lies as she never got her college degree and lied about it on her resume. Two, I had access to all of her email accounts and cloud storage accounts since I was the one that set them up when I was younger and she never changes her passwords. Lastly, she DEFINITELY wasn't aware that from 13yrs old and onto the last time she hit me I took photos of ALL my bruises/marks/wounds/bloody noses saving them to my computer and then google drive. ON TOP OF THAT, my little sister had been sending me photos via social media of the bruises she got from my mom.

The first thing I did was compile ALL of those photos/videos into one folder. I then reached out to CPS in my city and explained that my siblings were being abused, how I was abused in the past, and that I had mountains of proof. Since ive called the cops on my mother before AND the thing that happened with my older sister, there was immediately a home visit. They arrived almost a day later with the police and coincidentally my mother was literally in the process of beating my younger sister when they were knocking. Cue an Emergency removal of all my siblings from the house and my mother getting arrested though she was released hours later. (I was getting a day to day play by play because my mothers best friend is a blabber mouth and everything my mother said she told her son who relayed it to me without either of their knowledge.) I sent CPS all the evidence and there's a legit case against my mother now. The next day I emailed and then called up her job to inform them that she had lied about having a very necessary college degree as well current events in her life which sparked a background check. She was fired days later. Say adios to 75k and a blacklist in the only industry you know how to work. I then spitefully deleted every cloud account and email address I ever made for her, which was all of them which im sure will make keeping up with alot bills and etc nearly impossible. I then anonymously reported her to the IRS because of the tax fraud she committed for years by claiming people's children that weren't hers with ALOT of detailed information since I lived with her while she did it.

So now, my mother lost all her kids and her job. Im meeting with a caseworker from CPS next week to talk more about what happens moving forward but I do know they're NOT going back. Idk how she's gonna pay her mortgage now and survive. I'm sure she's gonna get a call from the IRS who'll be looking for a few thousand dollars she owes them. She also has to go back to court in a few months, not exactly sure what she was charged with but ill update when I find out how everything turns out.

Side Note: She isn't aware im the cause of any of this. I plan on keeping tabs on her and waiting until it seems like she's close to death before I tell her it was all me and I peed in her lipton.

TL;DR - My mother abuses me badly for most of my life as well as my younger siblings. I have to drop out of college and support myself after she drove me to homelessness. She proceeds to laugh at me about me being homeless and denys abuse. So I ruined her life by getting my younger siblings removed and her arrested, making her lose her job, reported her to the IRS, and essentially set her up so that the remainder of her life is full of disaster and hardships.

(source) (story by howbout_that_lipton)

#prorevenge #by howbout_that_lipton #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #revenge story #last10 #updated

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mcrmadness · 5 years ago

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This is a tag game, just scroll past the post if you're going to get bored to death with my bullshit. (Can't add a read more link on mobile yay, that's why I'm writing this here.)

Maybe it’s time to do some tag games finally... I was tagged to this “Bill Clinton swag” meme twice, by @stufenlosregelbar and @hanhan156, and I guess it was good that I was procrastinating because now I can put these in the same post :D Anyway, the first one just said to post the meme and a selfie, but didn’t explain what albums. The second one then had just the meme and the rules were “generate a meme with this about albums you have recently listened to.” So, let’s see what can I do with these...

Okay so first of all: this was SO difficult to do as a POST because of Tumblr. I just figured that you can set photos side by side only on the app but not from the PC. And to do that, I had to send these images to myself BY EMAIL so that I could have them in my phone and add to a post to get them be in the middle of the post and NOT at the top of the post!!! Apparently the desktop version still throws these on top of each other if I open this here afterwards. Besides that, the photo post then again is not editable on the app, it just shows the HTML editor which is why I could not download the photos either but had to send them to myself. + I can't do read more link on mobile HNNNNNNGH fml. Unless the HTML Editor works but I bet it's gonna mess up the whole post if I try... Edit: NOPE no HTML editor so it's either read more link or my face filling the whole screen so the first one it is, then :)))))) I hate everything.

But anyhow, here’s my answer to this tag game finally:

I chose some of my favorite albums to the first one and some of the albums I’ve been listening to recently on the other. DÄ’s Planet Punk is on both because I was recently listening to it again and it’s my favorite DÄ album and I might have fallen in love with it again a bit. (It does so good to have a little pause from the albums you like so much because later on they will sound even better :D)

And then, last AND DEFINITELY LEAST, there’s the selfie. Congrats people, it’s my first selfie ever on this goddamned website. And fortunately you cannot tell a shit of it :D I took so long with this tag also because of that, I was trying to decide whether to do a selfie or not and I tried to take many but I always looked terrible in every photo. Either it was my hair, my eyes, my nose or my chin. Or all of the above. And I still want to stay anonymous and not show my face here so here you go. It’s me but you wouldn’t recognize me if you walked past me on the street. Unless you saw someone dressed up in a Garfield scarf like that, Deadpool hoodie and a leatherette jacket (the zipper looks bigger than in real life, thanks, camera...), then it’s probably me... And no, the scarf was not because of the virus but because it was freaking cold here. It was +5°C but the wind was so damn cold I was freezing like hell (okay I don’t think that is a good comparison here but who tf cares) and it also made a good excuse for hiding the lower half of my face :D I still want a scarf with this... anatomy skull print? You know, that kind that'd make my face look like it was half bones, those are cool asf. Until that I’ll settle with this Garfield one I got from the Finnish Garfield comic book magazine thing as a “subscriber” gift probably 15-20 years ago. I just found it a few years ago from somewhere and it’s perfect for me, especially when it’s too warm for the other scarf (which has skulls and whatever on it, I’m not even into skulls or skeletons but apparently 20-something-years-old me thought that scarf was cool and needed to have it idk).

I'm gonna tag @cupcakecurl, if you don't mind. You can choose the one with or without a selfie and it's up to you if you want to just do albums you've been listening to recently or just some of your fave albums :D

#mcrmadness' random stuff #tag games #wow look it's a shitty selfie~#I'm also editing this so much now because this keeps forgetting the edits if I look at them from the website AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #sorry it's a long post but I'm literally losing my mind here because neither the app nor desktop version can work PROPERLY #long post

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piracytheorist · 5 years ago

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My Notes on Rewatching “Call Girl”

I amuse myself by thinking that watching this film is an important rite of passage for anyone who’s an all-in Colin fan, as in, one who’ll watch anything and everything he’s in, no matter the content, theme or quality.

I actually used to think that this was a pretty bad movie... but, as you might have seen from my last few posts, I recently realized this isn’t the case. Sure, it is not your average short film, but breaking it down you realize it’s doing most things right from a filmmaking point. I mean, you don’t have to love it, but it does a great job overall.

And I mean, it’s got Colin in it. How bad can it be? ;)

Beware of spoilers, if you haven’t seen the film. And if you do wanna see it, here it is :D

I'm still surprised that... this is it. That's Colin freaking O'Donoghue right there. The pirate. The cowboy. The astronaut. The man the myth the legend.

Ah, early 00's.

Wait. Ok let's make a breakdown of the decoration here. There's: 1) a heart anatomy poster 2) a frame with an undiscernible picture 3) IS THAT AN ASTRONAUT FIGURE? dun_dun_dun.mp3 4) a small penguin (?) plushie with a nautical (?) hat on it 5) are those... mantis figurines stuck on the sides of the screen????

Oooooh boy you sure have some very specific decorations on your desk.

The music stops abruptly when Brendan's mother calls out to him to not close the door because she wants to see him studying. That's interesting. Also how old is Brennan supposed to be? Is he supposed to be in high school, or an adult in college? What was the age of consent in Ireland in 2003?

This vibe, though. White perfect shirt and dark vest...

The look of "I'm gonna look at hot girls with my bedroom's door open while my parents argue across the hall" ALSO YES THAT'S A MANTIS

This just makes me laugh so much. Can you imagine sweet innocent (mostly) virgin Brendan typing it and his heartbeat skyrocketing?

Seriously though, that "Welcome back Brendan" thing. With one small addition you add a whole point in his backstory about him trying to deal with his urges.

Jesus I have forgotten so much. As soon as Brendan hears his mother coming, he immediately clicks "Dump her" on the "Virtual Babe" and it just... explodes.

With a full low-quality boom sound effect to boot. Like seriously if you were trying to hide why the f have your speakers on. You had one job, Brendan.

A rare glimpse into Brendan's room, and I'm trying to understand what the pattern on his sheets are. Maybe I'm just confused by the astronaut figurine, but it looks... vaguely... about space? Like, if you squint, the circular thing on the top left looks like Saturn's rings. No?

Also, Brendan's mom being obsessed with disinfection. That was 2003.

"I don't want filth getting into my house while I'm gone." And two hours later, her son has sex on her bed.

Oh wait, his father says "The only contact [Brendan] has with the outside world is through that bloody computer of his," in a... weird, tone? Like he's trying to placate the mother's fears of any rave party suddenly taking place in the house, but also with his tone (and maybe by using the word "bloody"? idk I'm no native speaker but it piques my interest) it doesn't seem like he's very... understanding and/or supportive of his probably very shy and/or socially awkward son.

Mom: That reminds me, block off the internet, will you? Dad: *scoffs* Why not lock him in a tower while you're at it?

He is sassy though!

Lookit him though! So sad he won't be able to create and look at Virtual BabesTM while his parents are gone.

The parent's accents strike me more towards a British one and I got confused for a bit, but then I remembered that we see Brendan use euros later, lol.

*hatching the plan to search in his father's briefcase for any cards for escort services*

This is where I started feeling that this movie is better than I’d remembered. Like, it does the job of delivering Brendan's guilt over "tresspassing" into his parents room and disobeying his mother, as well as his fear of being discovered, even though he watched his parents drive away, so he'd hear the car if they came back, in a pretty well-done and clear way.

I love how he immediately knows exactly where to look. His father's such an organized fella. Also those pills that he seems to not need immediately (thus leaving them behind for the weekend) are... something. They're put there for a reason and I wonder what that could have been.

There's not even a moment of hesitation, once he opens the briefcase. He doesn't put the card back in, he only looks briefly at his parents' photo but then he's like "Yeah. I'm doing it."

That smile as he sees the card though, lol.

Casual reminder to have safe sex, lads.

And then the phone operator is like, full business mode. Brendan stutters for one (1) second and she's immediately like, "You want a girl?" She's like, I've had tons of people like you, lad, can't waste my time waiting until you find the courage to ask. You wanna hire or not?

OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED The operator asks for the address, Brendan gives it, then asks how much does it cost. Then the operator says "Same as usual." BRUH she knew the address from how often his father used the service!

And then poor Brendan checks his savings and his "Uh..." says it all about how he wishes he could hire someone for longer than an hour. Bro, calm down. It's your first time.

And then he's like, waiting all anxiously by the door. I've never hired an escort service but I feel ya dude.

And of course Barbara the nosy neighbor, here to bring us to the edge of our seats, lol.

Look at how organized their fridge is. Why is that chick suddenly so eager to cook something for him? There looks to be so much food already prepared in there.

And dude. This movie has set-ups. Barbara tries to open a cupboard to like pick up ingredients to cook something, and Brendan, with a sudden "No!" rushes in and closes it. It only makes sense later, when we see that that's where he hid the money for the call girl.

Yikes she booped his nose as she left... what is he, ten? I mean even if he's supposed to be a teen here it's still... like... he's not a little boy to fucking boop his nose. No wonder her mother seems to trust her with taking care of him, with how both treat him like he's a child.

Hi there! You're gonna die :D

Shit I just noticed the portrait on the wall. Is that a... is that a fucking ruff collar his mother is wearing???? (btw I had to search to find that term with "shakespeare collar" XD)

I mean... you can't help falling for it. At first you're like, she seems too... simple for a call girl. But then you're like, who else could it be who also knows his name?

I wonder what would've happened if she hadn't asked to use the bathroom, which prompted her to look at his parents' bedroom and him to... initiate contact. Would he have mustered the courage to actually ask her about it or would he have been so flustered until she'd say something? What would she say? "You know, your mother said you would [something]" and he would FREAK THE FUCK OUT because how does his mother know? Would they have stayed there in awkward silence long enough for his mother to call, him to pick up and find out what she was really there for?

I mean, look at that! I'm speculacting the "what-ifs"! Good fucking movie!

That look, though. You suddenly go from "Aw you cute" to "WTF I know you're thirsty for it but that's... creepy"

Look at that smile, though! She is pretty nosy!

I just... I love everything about this. The way she's smiling at nosing in in her boss' bedroom. Him creeping behind her like the future killer that he is, actually scaring her. The way he says "This is my mother's room," so shy and collected. The fucking music, too. How it slowly builds up from the moment she spots the bedroom and it starts developing when Brendan kisses her.

And that kiss. So chaste and shy and yet she's like, wow yeah let's have sex now.

"You're not as shy as you look." LOL

For the pre-sex scene I just wanna link y'all to @killian-whump 's post about it, since it says it all.

Also dude the voicemail is set up from that moment too, but we've yet to hear what it includes, aside from his mother being bossy about the smallest things. "I hope you haven't gone back to bed." IF ONLY YOU KNEW. Not only what bed he's gone to, but also what he's doing on said bed.

"You don't waste much time, do you?" Lol if only you knew. And again his first response is to apologize if he did anything wrong.

And you know what? Plot twists are a hell of a lot of fun and well made when they make you go back and see things with the new perspective. Like, how chill and simple she was, why she said the last line I mentioned, the newly-known reasons why she said it was kinky to have sex in his mother's bedroom... *slams hand on table* That's a great way to do a plot twist! A fucking plus!

Like seriously, this convo: B: Have you met my father? M: No, but a lot of the other girls have though.

Pre-plot twist viewer: Wow whAT how do you say it like that Post-plot twist viewer: Yeah makes sense

M: I think he gets sympathy from them, like, you know, cause his wife's such an old witch... *realizes* Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that! *more failed excuses and then THAT face*

And like, that's a bit inappropriate in any case but pre-plot twist you're like WTAF. And then you're like eh makes sense for frustrated employees to pity their bitchy boss' seemingly calm husband...

And there's that set-up from before. Job well done, film.

And then their argument about the money. Brendan being confused about the amount, Mandy saying she'll come back and speak to his mother about it...

Seriously though what if he'd found out the voicemail after he'd had sex and before the "confrontation"? Would he like, have sent her on her merry way with all the money and then had more sex with the actual call girl?

And then his instinct, to try and make sure his mother won't find out, is to fucking threaten the woman with a knife. Wow, a little too much, Brendan. And then his first instinct, when they're fighting, is to search and grab the knife and fucking stab her. Lbr though that's just baby Colin finding his call for playing messed-up characters.

Also how did she die so quickly. Guess I found one weakness in the plot XD

And now you're like Jesus he just murdered her but when Barbara comes a-knocking and he looks at her and exasperatedly calls her name, you're like... same, bro.

And the stupid bastard didn't even wash the blood off his arm. Like seriously, Brendan, either do a murder correctly or don't do it at all. At least you can't say he wasn't dedicated, bro sliced his own arm open. *pats head* you'll learn, my little murderous bean, you'll learn.

Brendan: I was doing the dishes. Barbara: Did your parents leave them for you to do? They must have left in a rush this morning.

Yes, Barbara, he can do the dishes, he's in an undetermined age between late teens and-

Barbara: They didn't even make their bed.

Wtf you nosy bitch.

See what I'm saying? Full character development for a character with like, two minutes of screentime.

And then the voicemail drops like an anvil. My first thought when his mother said that Mandy is nothing but trouble I was like "Yo look who's talking" but then I thought that... yeah she did creep in her boss' bedroom, actually had sex with her son in it, then pretty much talked dirt to him about her... I mean she definitely didn't deserve to die, but maybe his mother was a good judge of character for one (1) moment.

And then Lorraine appears.

And Brendan's like "Now I have money for like, three hours with her. Maybe I'll even convince her to help me hide the body too."

“OR MAYBE I’LL JUST KILL HER TOO.”

In conlusion, yup, I’m pretty glad I spent a good hour and a bit watching, analyzing, writing this review and screencapping this film. 10/10 would rewatch and review again.

#Colin O'Donoghue #/#//#///#////#Call Girl

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