#but also i am being kind of serious here
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I think I may leave tumblr for good. sayonara you weeaboo shits
#/ref#but also i am being kind of serious here#im on discord so if any of my mutuals really want to talk to me that badly i can give out my username + tags#sometimes i see the most inane discourse on here and think ''wow people on the internet can be such assholes sometimes''#and that really makes me think that i should probably take a break since people online suck#except for my mutuals all of you are cool#i will at least take a huge break
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Flower Empowered.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#lan wangji#wei wuxian#lan wunian#The absolute chaos that ensued when Lan Wangji showed up...those girls went wild.#We have to give kudos to narration that takes the form of a bunch of suitor seeking ladies.#They were so loud about being here for the hotties and whispering gossip. You go girls.#Wei Wuxian most likely just picked up a already tossed flower to throw. Second hand flowers...are still flowers I suppose.#Can you imagine if LWJ had allergies? Poor lad.#Okay it's time for the real gritty discussion point. The one everyone is waiting for me to talk about:#So...from where we are in the timeline...what the hell is WWX supposed to be wearing?#I'm serious. Put all the fanart out of your brain for a moment.#We are post burial grounds and sunshot campaign so he's had his little goth moment reveal.#*BUT* he is still with the Jiang sect. And by proxy of this flashback talking about his disrespect - they never bring up his attire.#meaning he is likely in some kind of Jiang Purple.#Continuity wise it really feels like this scene should have been *before* the burial mounds.#I understand why it's post - we need to build up on the mystery of how he became the YLLZ.#But also his personality feels way more 'pre-burial mounds WWX'. I think this was probably a 'I don't want to kill my darling' scene.#(The Phoenix mountain flashback is a lot of people's 'darling'. I am knowingly putting myself in the line of fire here).#I'm willingly putting him in Wen Qing's borrowed cloak and assuming people take him wearing it as like...a war trophy.#Historians will revise this moment later on but for now he *is* a hero of that war.
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it is so so so tempting, even as someone who's not a reconstructionist, to find the TRUE way that polytheists worshiped back in Thee Olden Days - like there's something purer and more efficacious about methods tested and proven over millennia, and like if I just Study Harder I will connect all these fucken dots and do things the RIGHT way like the ANCIENTS did
like there's a way to time-skip over the war and colonization back to the agrarian bonfire dances and the queer mystic mentorship circles
and yet, this yearning, while understandable, is misplaced.
we asked Dionysos about the deities that preceded the expansion of global patriarchy, and got a really compelling response:
Don’t get hung up on the archetypes. You’re not living in the Stone Age. You don’t need to recreate Stone Age rituals. Create rituals for now. What thanks do you need to give? What do you need to ask for? What would it serve you to have represented? I’m thinking of an expression – “form follows function.” [You’re allowed.] Your heart breaks at the beauty of the lilac. To whom do you express that transcendent joy? If there’s no one, then you have a vacuum. Who is best suited? Old gods, new gods? They’re all sort of the same. Don’t try to achieve temporal purity – to try is limiting. [The insight here is that your heart is filled with gratitude that you live in a world that has this particular kind of beauty in it, and that’s something you should be sharing with divinity.]
- Dionysos, channeled 27 May 2023
it's surprising in some ways to hear such a pragmatic approach to the gods FROM a god, but like - what does it serve divinity to have offerings from a disaffected devotee?
I think if you're determined to honor all 12 Olympians or an equivalent box-set sort of pantheon, that is a little different - if you're building your own set (to make this sound more like Lego than a spiritual practice whoops), then the advice as I'm taking it is to see where you're overflowing with the kind of passion that a mortal can offer to divinity, and follow that! be guided by the things that make your heart explode! this, as I interpret it, is the most precious thing that humans can offer to the divine: overflowing appreciation and love and agony and all the things that make us human, directed to gods and spirits who can share in those beautiful and terrible emotions with us.
still hashing all this out so it's not my most polished set of thoughts but: damn.
#personal#rocket tag#Dionysos#divination#channeling#possession#ekstasis#polytheism#offerings#upg#PSVL was onto something is I think what I'm saying here#also I think a lot of us do this instinctively#all the people honoring hermes for example - his relatability in modern contexts means more people are drawn to him and work with him#and starting by honoring hermes doesn't necessarily mean you will follow that up by honoring zeus and hera and ares etc#you might go on to honor... idk hathor or odin#serious polytheists (tm) tend to look on this kind of eclectic polytheism as being kind of cringe#I am guilty of this in some ways#but it does sound like that's what D is suggesting here#I mean I guess he said temporal not regional - BUT - something like that#anyway! fascinating!!#ok that's enough tags
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gncrezan get behind me the girlies CANNOT be normal about this poll 🤺🤺
LMFAOOOO i don't think i made clear enough that this poll is genuinely low stakes, i enjoy talking about it !!! and i like to see what others also think of the situation!! it's obviously a very complicated one which is why people are defending their takes in the tags (thanks everyone the 200 word tag thinkpiece is literally exactly what i wanted from this you've fallen into my trap)
if anything the poll has shown that sevenmancers are stronger than me. schrodinger's cat of a RO like you don't know if you've bagged them or not until you check the metaphorical bag
#does sev hate you? check the bag. oh does sev like you? check the bag! etc etc#also i dont dislike seven!!! i am a sevenologist !!!! i wrote a stupid ass textpost I CARE ABOUT THE SLOW BURN RECONCILIATION ETC !!!!#my mc just happens to be unwell and very undiagnosed and maybe if he'd taken his ass to therapy#instead of writing songs about it then i could conceivably see a happy end for aki and sev. but as they are now...#well. yeah.#ME ENJOYING THE TRAGEDY ASPECT IS JUST A SITUATIONAL THING. I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!#and sometimes a new normal even if its not perfect is a better end to the story than 'and then it was all okay!'#i am trying to play infamous dead serious like a dnd rules stickler i kind of want this playthough's ending to like#stay true to how my mc is. and that would mean an ending where there's closure but no closeness#but yeas. thank you anon for defending me#i don't think that people are necessarily mad or anything!! just cautious because of how the mc was like#seriously being mistreated at the start by the 'fans' where people would send anons like 'theyre less talented and boring' etc etc#untrue. skill issue. i want my infamous mc so bad i dream of him#here comes the most specialest mc in the world if everyone doesnt cheer and clap for them im blowing this place up#answered#anonymous
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so this post may be controversial but i will no longer be silenced. i need people to start being accepting of bears/fat men in general that don't fit into the "dad" vibe or aren't conventionally attractive. quit acting like they've all gotta be incels/mladys/neckbeards/racist weebs etc. because first off, fat hairy nerdy men with patchy beards and glasses or acne or bald spots or whatever are HOT and i'm tired of pretending they're not!!!!!! and more importantly!!! even if you aren't attracted to them (or even if you are) i need you to start being fucking normal about them. because if you keep treating every fat hairy guy with glasses as if he's this rampant bigot, you're just gonna create more divides, and also you're a fucking asshole who equates looks with morality. something something alt-right pipeline, someone's worth is not determined by how attractive you find them, etc. please stop being fatphobic to ppl you don't like lol
#💙 cass#fatphobia#i am SO serious i think the archetype of 'fat incel with glasses and a patchy beard and lives in his mom's basement'#regardless of whether or not it's accurate (often isn't)#is like. Am i supposed to not find that attractive. I love nerdy lookin guys. They're hot!!!!#Glasses are hot! Stubble is hot! Fatness is hot!!!! like why are you trying to say they aren't. i have working eyes???#I mean i don't like incels but this ain't about that it's about yalls rampant anti-masculism and fatphobia. Lol#i hate how we've made it seem like you can't actually find fat guys attractive. WHat's up with that btw#like even in gay spaces when you say 'i love bears' theres a really specific kind of guy that ppl associate with being a bear#hell i don't even always want to say bear. I want to say that i like fat guys in general#because i just really do!!!! i don't get why this is an issue#again that's only half of the point i'm making here. i'm also saying you need to be normal about people you don't find attractive#and ESPECIALLY when it comes to yalls internalized fatphobia. damn. reflect on that! thanks#that part is way more important but just. i feel like i never see anyone actually expressing attraction to fat guys#which is CRIMINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#again probably because we've created this idea that no one could Ever find a fat person attractive. societal fatphobia etc#but anyway. the way i would die for a trans bear with glasses.................
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Ok but thinking back to how I was in elementary and middle school: I had such disdain for other kids who broke the rules, that I irrationally hated a whole bunch of kids — kids I would have made good friends with — all because I couldn’t stand the fact that they engaged in conflicts with, and affronts to authority figures or standards.
It even went as far as internally mocking a kid my age — calling him “Mama’s Boy” in my head — over the fact that his mother whispered comments into his ear, which he mumbled unintelligibly into the mic, and then would fall asleep as if dead on her arm. I perceived his inability to give comments on his own, and his sleeping, as moral failings of both mother and child; because I wasn’t raised like that. And maybe, those feelings also came from jealousy. I was expected to fight off sleep all the time because I could read at a college level in third grade, and could theoretically understand the material presented at the meetings despite it still being inappropriate for my age group.
I was so far deep into the “bad associations spoil useful habits” mindset that it made me hate my fellow neurodivergents — kids I would have been friends with — who maybe couldn’t hide it as well as I could. That is beyond fucked up. Now, I work with those very kids I disliked so much as a child, and guess what? They are my absolute favorite people to be around; and many of them remind me of myself.
#exjw#ableism tw#I’m also just very uptight about rules anyway; so the whole cult thing did not help that part of me At All#I often find myself more concerned with doing things “correctly” than I am with doing the right thing in non-serious scenarios#and it’s kind of scary because like… how much of a sheep am I?#Would I torture someone if an authority figure I trusted ordered me to because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do?#Most of it comes from a desire for consistency: If [x] happens; then do [y]. So every time [x] happens; [y] is the correct response#and this — like the laws of physics — Cannot Change#Except of course the real world is vague and variable and there is a lot of grey area to work with in coming up with solutions#so doing [y] when [x] happens may make things worse than if you do [z] instead#This makes a lot more sense when you consider I was taught how to play chess at a very young age by my father#who bragged about being a “chess player” with regard to real world problems#Yes chess is strategy; but you’re also playing on a grid and your movements are entirely restricted by the rules of gameplay#My father can’t leave the cult that traumatized him because he loves Jehovah#he can’t go to the meetings to serve the god he loves because it triggers his trauma#he can’t talk to a therapist about his religious trauma to get over it because he would be defaming Jehovah#If life is a game of chess then he’s checkmated#But here’s the thing: the game is imaginary and the rules are made up#Viewing real life as a chess board is extremely unhealthy for your free will#Which is why in this essay about Nineteen Eighty Four I will—
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AHHHHHH
#this post brought to you by: me#i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses#i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP#like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready#anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT#and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk#and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message#even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL#AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year#i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job#which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind#so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something#on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now#on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT#but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to#richard started yelling and swearing el oh el#might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option#the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going#idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks#this is why i want to get out of here#also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about#not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!
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hnggghhggg
#just realized a little too hard that im packing my entire life up into a single suitcse and hitting the road for a month. in a month.#im also turning 24 in a month#both of these things perturb me in some direction or another.#its also 1030pm but i am Vibrating unfortunately#also realized vividly today that ill be attending my college graduation less than 48hrs after landing back in canada#and that will be after 30+ hours in transit coming directly from a 12 hour time difference#so that'll be fun#not really how i imagined graduating when i started my freshman year?#actually dear lord i could not have fathomed Being Here when i was 19 and starying college#i remember hearing about the program im currently doing and thinking 'wow that's incredibly cool but im just not the kind of person#who can do that sort of thing'#i still periodically have moments where i just look around and have to be like Yes I Really Am Here#and yeah turning 24. in a month. that's far too grown up of an age for how i feel inside.#and yeah trvaelljng to 5 vountires in a month again? wild.#didnt think anything could top seeing the great pyramids for out of body wild experiences And Yet. we sure are gonna be going some places.#also being in a serious relationship huh. didnt think this was going to happen until i was 35 if ever.#skmeone needs to tell me why my brain decided to watch wedding dress youtube shorts today with a vague expectation that might be relevant#to my life within a decade.#so yeah all that to say my life feels fucking insane to me.#I Am Not Qualified For This Experience Help#(this is not entirely negative im just ??????)
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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great part about having schizo in my url now is i dont have to explain The Episodes™️ anymore. glad i stopped deleting them entirely in an effort to be like Hey it's okay to be mentally ill online. but also like... "im not usually like this" yes you are, you just experience more or less symptoms or different ones at different times. anyway so who's the fucking guy that keeps running back and forth between the only two dark rooms in the house and would he like to introduce myself so we can fight or are you just gonna be rude
#i actually really dont want to meet him! this is for the gag! i do not want to cower in fear until i pass out from sleep deprivation pls#my bedtime alarm just went off so ill try and go to sleep but this is gonna be ROUGHHHH#(girl who will fall asleep in the bright light shaking cold and afraid of something that isnt even real)#(the best part is if you close your eyes you still hallucinate! fun fact! and then they TALK if they werent already!)#also fun thing an old therapist i had pointed out: when im in an episode my use of pronouns gets weeeeiiiiird#once i apparently got kind of aggressive after i said “we” and he said “we? who else am i talking to?” AND I DONT REMEMBER THE REST OF THE#CONVERSATION :) YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS KIDS!!#love it here actually i think it's so cool i get to be in a horror movie. im being dead serious. lol.. dead. serious. okay im done#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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[boone cannot be reached at the moment. please hang up and try again]
#((Aka admin note time:#I dont wanna sound like a big baby I am in fact a 28 yr old man#but I think I gotta take a breather from the heavier stuff rn#of course everyone is entitled to play their character how they should be played but having some of it directed at me in the first person i#not great when I made this account as kind of a haha funny giggletimes cope to get thru a rough patch in my life.#It was never my plan to participate in serious rp here so I feel okay with stepping away#that being said I do want to continue to receive asks and have good times and even somber times with new friends 👍#Theres just a level of intensity that is not good for me right now. And given my dayjob is writing very intense stories about#war conflict etc. I need to save my energy for that also I think#Thank you for understanding 💗))
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I think it’s important to remember in fandom that in your own fandom space you are allowed to be god, but never forget that you are also a little stupid.
#There's a freedom in going 'that's not true because I don't like it and we shall not have it in the foyer of my fine manse'#instead of trying to find justifications for stuff#that isn't to say you can't have reasons of course#but it's also really healthy i think to try and figure out if the reason is just justification you know?#Like I can stretch all kinds of mozzarella#but sometimes that's all I'm doing#I am not going to mention specific times I know I have done this because they are emabrassing to me and I don't have to#I call myself the god queen emporer arbiter of all that is good because it's true here but we all know (jesus christ I hope#when I say things so hyperdramatically. If ytou can't get this out of how I say it I can't help you.) that I'm being tongue in cheek#Often not always of course#wow great spelling of emperor you are a genius#anyway I've been thinking about this a lot but basically: You own your space but have perspective and don't go chasing the idea of having#your opinions crowned by others outside of your circle#if that makes sense#Also please all remember that at the end of the day this is all very stupid#.I'm being serious here 98 times out of 100 fandom fights are dumb as dogshit#yes even when I have participated in them please refer to my earlier never forget that you are also a little stupid
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sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive
#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy#been feeling weird as hell these past few months#like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days#or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day#idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this#just thinking#meposting#I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying#I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult#I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad.#whatever#I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that#dissociation#me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though#she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety#and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’#I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time#I’m so solid now#so stuck in the ruts of capitalism#fuck capitalism#I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled#sorry I love talking#and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn?#it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing#I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence.#like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5.#overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.#can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school#bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude#I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time
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i think amy has adhd because she wants to do every hobby in the world and gets defensive when she’s rejected and speaks in run on sentences when she’s excited
#waves . idk where my adhd begins and autism ends so forgive me for not being more specific it is smth that i am Serious about#but i’m also here to have a good time and say haha i do that#amy has been shown to cook and draw and bake and garden and box and god what ELSE . it goes on#she wants to do it all#and i think it can tie in with a sense of purpose that she kind of freaks out over when it becomes less clear#and making changes is both exciting and easy for her but she is slow to make them until she Isn’t#i’m drawing from what i remember . from the top of my head i’m not trying to make stuff up
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pharma really is such an interesting case. one thing i’ve always felt with pharma is that he absolutely doesn’t want consequences. and facing up to it requires a lot of looking at and showing people what he’s done and you know. the consequences. i mean hell he’d rather start a plague than say “hey i got coerced into doing a very bad thing by the djd”
I do understand what you mean about Pharma not wanting to face consequences, but on the other hand, I kind of understand why Pharma made a plague rather than admit to medical malpractice/murder? Because like, the thing that I don't see brought up often enough with regards to Pharma is that blackmail... is blackmail. Like, as someone who's unfortunately been on the receiving end of blackmail, the entire point of blackmailing someone is that you corner them into doing bad things by convincing them that they CAN'T turn to an authority figure to ask for help. Like, the person doing the blackmailing generally convinces the person who's getting blackmailed that if they try to reach out for help, the law/authorities/etc either won't care about their predicament or will punish them for the bad thing they did that they're getting blackmailed about.
I kind of feel like (and this isn't an attack on you, just a commentary about the nature of blackmail) when someone like Ratchet looks at Pharma and says "but you could've called for help or shut down the clinic or anything!", it kind of ignores the fact that...... when you're being blackmailed you're fucking terrified, and people who are terrified generally don't jump to the most rational, safe solutions possible? When you add in the fact that Pharma was blackmailed by Tarn of the DJD, notorious hater of Autobots and fanatic leader of a torture club, it's not hard to imagine that Pharma was both afraid and in pain (or threat of pain) while at Delphi and thus wouldn't be thinking straight about it.
I don't know, like. Yeah, on one hand Pharma made a plague and killed a bunch of people to try and cover up his crimes and maintain his career. But he didn't just do it for ego related reasons, he was also almost certainly facing threats of torture and death.
#squiggle answers#pharma apologism#i think i'm biased on this issue so anyone can come in here and add their thoughts or correct me#i guess it just bothers me because like. i've kind of been in that situation (not as serious as pharma's) where i didn't ask for help#and when i got in trouble for not asking for help afterwards and instead choosing to lie or go behind someone's back or whatever#it was generally bc i was more afraid of punishment by The People In Charge#than i was afraid of lying or breaking the rules or doing other bad things#and when i got accused (by the people in charge) of seeing myself as above the rules or thinking i was better/smarter than them#it always pissed me off because i was like. bro i didn't lie to you for fun and games i lied to you because i was afraid#that if i asked you for help you would just shun me or get pissed off at me and punish me#also re: the blackmail i was a victim of. the thing about that is it was over something ultimately petty (stupid internet drama)#and i was PROBABLY never in any real danger but like. the issue was that i FELT like i was in danger#fear is powerful. fear of being threatened at any time or having the things you care about taken away is especially powerful#i had nightmares p much once a week for months during the ordeal and still sometimes do now#like idk i really am biased on this matter but like. just bc pharma made the plague to cover up his crimes#doesn't mean that that's the ONLY reason is what i'm saying#when ppl lie and cover up things about that it's not just about ego but about dumb animal terror#and i mean. to get back to the pharma apologism brand. ratchet KNEW pharma was being blackmailed but he fucking ditched him anyways#this is the guy who was supposed to be his bestie of millions of years and he fucking told pharma he was dead to him#and that's the guy who pharma thought would UNDERSTAND. imagine what he thought other autobots would think of him#also i have a theory that tarn probably psychologically tortured pharma by telling him the autobots would just lock him up for his crimes#as a way to get pharma to not tell anyone and keep supplying him cogs. because you know. blackmail
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Had a moment of "Why do I feel so melancholy haha" and then I remembered that my uncle literally died yesterday
I've been compartmentalizing like crazy I guess
#speculation nation#negative/#death/#we arent holding the funeral immediately bc he wanted his body donated to science#so im still in colorado and im just. here for the duration of my trip.#trying to enjoy myself. doing some insane emotional acrobatics to stuff that shit Down#helps that it doesnt really feel real. im all the way over here. all i have is the word of my sister to know anything's different.#so im here. im existing. even acting approximately normal.#but things still feel a bit off-kilter. the stress lines of a container being pushed further than it should be.#and a passive longing to be with my family.#im going to be meeting my girlfriend's family today. just as we'd been planning.#and it feels a little wrong. the wrong family for me to be going to.#but im not Going to that family. im going to this one. bc that's what we had planned.#backing out wouldnt get me to see my own family today. so im staying true to my promise.#i just might end up a Little emotionally exhausted from the effort of pretending everything's fine haha#im good at it though. i really am very good at it.#also helps that i knew this was coming. with Cassy it went down in a matter of days.#i knew he was Dying an hour before it happened. it was abrupt and frankly kind of traumatic bc of it#just like with Sammy.#with my uncle it's a deeper level of serious. a deeper change to the foundations of my life.#but... ive known this was happening for almost two months now. it was a rapid decline but i'd already started grieving.#spending the past few weeks visiting and preemptively grieving. watching him decline more and more.#seeing him two days ago and seeing how Bad it was. and knowing he didnt have much longer...#i knew it was going to happened. id hoped it wouldnt happen until after i was back from my trip.#but he's gone and im still here. and the plans move on.#time to compartmentalize and forget. at least until i'm alone again.
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