#but again as a queer person myself i feel like it's possible to tell a good selkie story without the selkie necessarily being a woman

[llumimoon]

I WOULD LOVE TO MAKE SELKIE AUS but i don't know a lot about selkies and their folklore, and how they work, and i dont wanna mess it up :( How does one go about making a selkie au, oh Great Seal Master?? /gen

tbh my biggest advice is just have fun with it !! there are a lot of different iterations of selkie lore, its pretty fun to pick and choose which things you want to adapt!

really the core of it is just the seal skin coat! selkies are born with a seal skin that they can wear to turn into a seal, it is an extension of themselves and is a part of them them in ways you can't quite put into words or explain to a human.

being separated from their skin is literally like missing a part of themselves, and this can be depicted in many different ways like a persistent sickness, lack of voice or strength, a deep longing, etc.

a lot of the stories and folklore surrounding selkies is about people falling in love with their human form and stealing their seal skin to trap them on land and marry them. these end in many different ways, which is where a lot of the variation in the lore comes into play! sometimes the selkie finds their skin and runs away leaving behind even their kids, sometimes the selkie is trapped forever sometimes they literally die of sadness being separated from the sea

it doesn't necessarily have to always be romantic, selkies in folklore tend to fall into the swan maiden trope of men forcing a mythical woman into marriage, but i personally think its a lot funner to think about unorthodox scenarios. like someone accidentally taking the skin, or an overprotective parent locking it away, or even a selkie naturally falling in love with a human.

like i said there's a lot of different iterations, stuff like summoning w/ seven tears or selkies returning to the sea every seven years, the person owning the coat being able to control the selkie to a certain extent, hurting the coat hurts the selkie, returning the coat can be a marriage proposal, etc.

it can get overwhelming with all the different versions but as long as you stay true to the inital seal skin concept and dual nature of a selkie (they are known to be both friendly and helpful but also dangerous and vengeful- much like the sea that they come from) than you've got a good selkie story on your hands!

[olymphianblood]

ok guys its not funny anymore when is d&p hard lauching im starting to getting anxious /hj

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

realized ricky is not only canonically polyam, but rep for polyam survivors who are abused for being poly, and i am having a lot of feelings about that which i plan to write up a post about but also wow in hindsight it put some shit from an abusive ex-friend into perspective.

[drchucktingle]

Hello Dr Tingle! I wanted to ask you about that re: your post about how all your books are serious literature (hell yeah Love is real). How do you personally deal with the whole traditional publishing institution? It attracts a whole different level of coverage and it seems that they're very quick to try and box you and like turn you into a brand. Is it stiffling? Is it freeing? Does the attention help more people understand your trot? I don't know I've never been published but since you have experience in both traditional and self publishing I'm interested in knowing how that's feeling for you

well this is a pretty complex question with lots of different trots but i will try my best to answer. lets start with WHO I AM as buckaroo name of chuck

what i create has a very strong voice and my way is pretty recognizable. while buckaroos do not know what most authors look like, i REALLY stand out in a dang crowd with a big pink bag on my head. if you see 50 random author photos and mine is mixed in and then you ask 'which photo do you remember the most?' it is probably gonna be chuck. i also have a VERY UNIQUE STORY with what i create and my artistic sensibilities, not a lot of buds are out there making trans mothman erotica along with their big five traditional publishing bestsellers (SIDENOTE preorder BURY YOUR GAYS)

now if you were going to take 'CHUCK TINGLE' to a marketing department they would FALL OVER BACKWARDS IN THEIR DANG CHAIR with excitement. it is hard to think of an author with a stronger BRAND than i already have in the sense of 'instantly recognizable trot and specific unique style'. even in answering this you can tell that i dont even TALK like other dang authors.

what i am getting at is this: i am VERY VERY LUCKY because my existence just so happens to equate to what a company would see as GOOD BRANDING. it is not intentional on my part, it is just the hand of fate i guess. im out here expressing myself in a FULL ON WAY that is PRETTY DANG STRANGE TO SOME and it just so happens to work as mainstream branding too

on paper you might think 'what the heck no way chuck tingle will fly as a mainstream trot' but honestly the main thread of this timeline can be surprising sometimes. ive been saying the key ingredient for years and i will say it again: LOVE AND SINCERITY RESONATE. when you make art with this fuel, the timeline will feel it. when you stand up tall and shout with your whole chest THIS IS MY WAY AND I LOVE MYSELF. I AM THE WORLDS GREATEST AUTHOR TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, the timeline will listen

so all that said, i do not mind the idea of myself as 'brand' because i am not CHANGING myself to create this effect. what some might see as 'brand' i just see as another part of my art. i have always believed that art is THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE not just the painting but what is outside of the frame. WHO I AM is just as important as the books i write, and interacting with my way is a whole MULTIMEDIA experience that INCLUDES YOU TOO. it is the feeling when your friend shows you your first tingler cover, or the feeling when you realize that i am not playing a character. this is ALL a part of the tingleverse and it is all a part of my honest raw expression as a queer and neurodivergent buckaroo.

YOU ARE PART OF THIS ART TOO

it is my nature of have a PUNK ROCK trot. always has been. but to me that does not mean just angrily going against everything for the sake of going against everything. for me, this punk rock trot means fighting to EXPRESS MYSELF IN THE MOST HONEST AND PURE FORM POSSIBLE and to create the art that i want to make without any boundaries

somehow i have threaded the needle in this really interesting once-in-a-dang-lifetime kind of way. my pure punk rock self as an OUTERSIDER ARTIST just so happens to resonate with this larger system of brand and traditional publishing and popular culture. i COULD reject this, but rejecting it would be LESS HONEST.

this is just who i am. i LIKE pop culture. i LIKE joy. i LIKE dressing in all pink and wearing my custom suits. I LIKE PROVING LOVE IS REAL WHAT THE HECK ELSE EVEN IS THERE? i love being a queer outsider artist and using my small voice to shout at the big bad devils and i like that every time i shout a few more of you buckaroos join the chorus and together we are just getting louder and louder and louder and WHO KNOWS what comes next for us all trotting together.

when i post something like 'WHAT A GREAT DAY TO PROVE LOVE' it is not me sitting here in a bad mood thinkin 'well i gotta make todays post to keep up with my brand'. i am ACTUALLY FEELING THAT FEELING and i actually believe it with every fiber of my being. honestly, half the time i post about the beauty of this timeline i am probably over here literally crying tears of joy (chuck is an emotional bud i get riled over the joy of existence A LOT)

and heres the best part of this trot: because i really have this punk rock way it makes me very powerful. others can pretend not to care about success and brand and all that but I REALLY DO NO CARE. i would write tinglers whether buds were reading them or not, this is just my natural state, and that makes me incredibly strong. if some big corporation says 'YOU MUST DO THIS' and i dont want to do it i just say 'no thanks'. it is not some big debate about my career or anything like that because I REALLY DO NOT CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST. i care about the art

because of this, my relationship with my GIANT TRADITIONAL PUBLISHING MACHINE is great. we trot like equals and we get along really well. i tell them exactly what i want to do and they let me do it. i really do not have to answer to anyone and they deserve a huge amount of credit for respecting me in this way.

and heres the thing, THEY ALSO HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS

SPECIFICALLY my imprint of NIGHTFIRE is very dang cool. yes, they are the head of a giant hydra of a BIG FIVE PUBLISHER, but nightfire is SO DANG ART-FOCUSED

there is no right or wrong way to be an artist, and my path is not the only one, but i can tell you what WORKS FOR ME. this is the advice i would give myself, and buckaroos can take it or leave it

here it is: never beg the big book publisher, or record label, or movie studio to pay attention to you

do not let it become a lotto ticket in your brain. do not think that you are some weak little creature and maybe if you trot just right they will scoop you up and take care of you. do not go to their door begging to be let in

LET THEM COME TO YOUR DOOR

create something so incredible and beautiful and honest and powerful and unique and important that they would be foolish to miss out. create a community or a system or a timeline or a world of imagination that thrives on its own and THEY SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE A PART OF IT

then when you sit down at that board meeting it is not 'please brand me, ill do whatever you want'. instead, it is 'lets make a deal and see how much love we can prove together.'

now lets trot buckaroos

[homunculus-argument]

hey there! this sounds like a bit of a silly question, but as a trans guy, you’re one of the few trans people i’ve been following almost since i joined tumblr, so based on your other anon ask and answer i figured i’d pop in and ask if you have any advice? if you want to answer, ofc :) — i foresee this being a bit long, so i totally get if not

so i’m also a trans guy, but i haven’t been able to take any steps toward medical transitioning before since i live with my parents. but i’ll move out soon, and i still can’t decide if i should take any of these steps even once i do. i’ve never felt like i particularly wanted to medically transition (i don’t really care about how my body looks + i’ve never really cared about changing any of it), but i would like to be seen a guy — i don’t mind if not so by strangers, but maybe so by like, my friends. but i can’t help but feel like i’d be laughed at for wanting that — i’m not naturally androgynous or masculine looking to others and i have never been mistaken for a guy, because i have really long hair, d cups, and curves. and without medically transitioning, i also kinda feel like i’m… betraying the trans community, since i’m not really putting the effort into my transition and so i’m just ‘pretending’, even though i do know i’m not.

so my question would be: as a trans person who has transitioned, socially and medically, do you think people are more understanding than i think they are currently? do you know of any trans people who don’t want to medically transition, and do you think it’s possible to live fulfilled that way? or even: do you think it would be easier for someone like me to just live a lie? i usually tell people i’m a lesbian, because they definitely would not look at me and assume ‘straight guy’, but also, as a trans person who doesn’t want to medically transition, i’m just always worried that i won’t be taken seriously. i feel like your experience of being trans and probably interacting with the community is much more than mine, which is why i ask this last one — i would try being open myself, but again, i’m still living with my parents unfortunately.

I'll be honest I don't actually really know much "community" save for former art school classmates. I've only known one trans person irl who chose not to medically transition - at the time, Finland's trans law was still shitty and required sterilisation for legal sex change, and all that. She didn't want kids or anything, but refused to engage in the process as her own little personal civilian protest. I don't want to paint some caricature picture of some Sharp Dommy Tall Scary Goth Trans Anarchist, but I was deeply impressed by the way she didn't do a single thing to try to seem smaller, softer, or in any way submissive or docile to be ~feminine~ the right, socially accepted way.

She wasn't just taller than most men but usually the tallest person in the room, and she stood out in a crowd of cis women like a crane in a chicken coop - a bird just as much as they are, but a different kind of bird. And I remember thinking that I could never do that, being so unflinching and unhesitant about standing out in the crowd because assimilating and muting yourself is beneath your dignity.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about being openly trans without transitioning medically, save for that it takes more guts than being able to just go stealth. I had physical dysphoria about the way my body was, and was desperate to get top surgery just for the sake of my own physical comfort, and I like the convenient anonymity of being able to just be Just Some Guy who doesn't attract anyone's interest or curiosity.

It's a smart move to not come out to your parents before you're out of their house and not relying on them for anything - this is something everyone should use their own judgement for, but I stress it to every queer kid to not take the risk if there's any chance that they'll react poorly while they still have power over you. But living your whole life in the closet - "living a lie" is a good way to put it - will corrode you from the inside.

It's better to live in peace with yourself and against the world, than in peace with the world against yourself. There is absolutely nothing in your power that you could do to change the minds of people who have already decided that they don't respect you, and if they try telling you that they would, if you only met their approved criteria, they are lying. That's bait they're dangling in front of you, and there's no "earning" the respect of such people.

Stay true to yourself and be good to people, and you'll have the respect of people who are capable of respecting you. Don't waste your time and energy on people who won't respect you, every thought and effort you spare them is wasted on them.

[bogkeep]

when i was a teen, i was in love with my best friend. to this day i cannot tell you with any certainty whether or not i was in love romantically or platonically. i don't know and i don't care. it's very possible there is a difference, but i never found it. i've asked many people about it and everyone has their own definition of where that line goes, none that ever applied to my own experiences. there is no satisfying, universal and objective line. i think that's good, actually. the idea that there is some shining abstract concept that's specialer than all the other concepts that can only be achieved like nirvana by some people and not others is not a comfortable idea. this is not to say that everyone has the same feelings and experiences, absolutely not - but we categorize our experiences within the contexts we exist in. or maybe that's just word salad.

i know that - at the time, i knew i was deeply connected to this other person and kept thinking about her all the time and we talked about wanting to be close friends for our whole lives and wrote poetry together about our soulmateness and we made mutual friends feel like a third wheel. i knew i had no desire to kiss her or take her on dates, and she crushed on some boy at summer camp, but the connection between us was mutual and explicit. if the concept of a queerplatonic relationship had been available to us at the time, maybe we would've recognized it as such. i just knew that what i was feeling didn't match up at all with what i've been told 'being in love' was supposed to be like - especially because, at the time, Being In Love also included sexual attraction. we had just cracked open the 2010's and asexuality was a punchline and a joke.

i know that - during the time i was made to feel ashamed of my aroace identity and the narrative was that i'm actually just repressing my TRUE queer identity, i reframed my memories - i had obviously been in love with my friend Romantically. i was a Real Gay. i was Valid. I Was Sapphic Actually. you can't kick me out of the parade if i had pined for my best friend as a teen!!!!

i know that - once i reclaimed the pride in myself, i reframed the memories again: i had obviously been in love with my friend Platonically, because otherwise i would've been a traitor to the good name of aromanticism. if i knew what it was like to have a crush i would contradict myself. who am i to write about romantic love as if i know? what was i doing at the devil's sacrament?

maybe it is a mystery. maybe i don't know shit. it's hard, actually, to know anything at all when the way my strange brain filters emotions through my body reads so different to the user manual. how can anyone stand to pine for another when it's all anxiety, all day? "butterflies"???? really????? how am i supposed to know anything for sure when my brain's favourite hobby is to pick thoughts apart and run them through the distortion machine on repeat, on repeat, on repeat? i don't know if i've ever loved anyone at all, now that i think about it. maybe i'm an empty shell of a human and everything i do is an act of puppetry and wishful thinking.

i just gotta trust that the love is there, in some form or another. even when i can't reach for it and confirm its existence - let alone deduce a detailed taxonomy. what do you even need that for.

[drdemonprince]

Autistic friend anon here — thank you so much for your answer and the substack post. I was kind of stuck in the “rejection” feeling of “wait but if being autistic isn’t a bad thing then why are you so upset at the idea that YOU might be autistic”. I took it really personally and wasn’t really thinking about how much it sucks when someone acts like they know you better than you do. I’ll have to keep working through that.

I also often get stuck in the idea that “well if someone had just TOLD ME I was queer/trans/autistic then I could have figured it out sooner and life would be better” or whatever. But after many years of being out as queer/trans, I think that isn’t actually true and even if it is, I don’t interact with other possibly queer/trans people by “diagnosing” them with queerness/transness any more. In my head it seemed like autism was different for some reason, but of course it is not.

Anyway, your answer was really thoughtful and diplomatic, while also being very clear about what is bad behavior on my part. It is genuinely going to be a big benefit in my life.

Hey, nice to hear from you again!

I totally feel you. When I told a friend years ago that I thought she might be a BPDer, I was incensed that she ended up not taking that comment well. I meant it in an affirming, pro-Mad-Pride kinda way! I was a BPDer too! if she thought it was bad to be BPD, what did that mean she thought about me?

But I was looking at it the wrong way. I had just hurled a still very stigmatized label in her direction as a response to her complaining about real relational struggles in her life, which felt diminishing and presumptive. Telling various people in my life that I'm pretty sure they're Autistic can have a similar effect, even if they're on board Autism acceptance as an idea.

I used to fixate on the time I lost not realizing I was trans or queer or whatever the fuck I am yet. I had a vision of an older me materializing before me at age 16, specifically on the corn-lined roads I used to bike up and down furiously, and imagined telling myself the Truth of who I was and what I had to do to be happy. I believed that if i had known I was trans younger I would have avoided a lot of upsetting relationships, eating disordered periods, and general angst.

Now. I am pretty damn sure that is not true. It turns out that being trans was not a solution to all my problems, it was just another problem that I had. In the sense that it's a challenge to navigate on this bitch of an earth. if i hadn't chosen to be trans i would have chosen some other shit to do that also would have been a major pain in the ass i'm sure. that too would have been an interesting back story.

I dont think I was ever going to be outgoing and unneurotic and breezily well adjusted. That's not my lot in life. Feeling a little uncomfortable in my body and around other people is as definitional a part of me as my wit or my weird laugh. I can kinda love that about myself now, or at least accept it. nothing and nobody actually could have saved me. its just not that simple. but it's been a pretty interesting life.

i think we tend to impose our self-narratives onto other people when we are not happy or we are harboring deep regrets about having gotten something wrong or missed something in the past. but we cant spare our friends those journeys. they should get to have them. it's interesting and enriching to get things wrong, be in denial, cope in elaborate stupid ways, soul search, change our minds, miss something, find something, never know what's true.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hi!! Sorry to bother you but i just want to feel like im not sick and wanted to share my thoughts with someone that wont judge me

But i feel really bad, i really feel like there’s something wrong with me i don’t like sex and every time i had sex before has been bc i was supposed to do it, i forced my self to lose my virginity bc i felt like it was about time and i was too old for keep being a virgin. Also i thought “well, maybe if i do it i’ll start liking it like everybody says” but i didn’t, i didn’t like it but i thought again “oh well, it’s the first time (im a ciswoman)they say it always hurts the first time, maybe the more i do it i’ll start liking eventually” but again, i didn’t, i had sex with different people that i felt attracted to and it ALWAYS HURTED, also every time i had to be with at least a little alcohol in my system, so actually i have never had sex being 100% sober.

Now i’m in a relationship but I don’t even like kisses and it sucks bc i really love my boyfriend, he knows about this but i kinda feel like even if he is very supportive about it and says he still wants to be with me, I think there’s this little part of him that wishes that one day i’ll change and we can have sex.

I feel bad bc is it ok to call him my boyfriend and not just a close friend? Im i even allowed to love? Do i have to force my self to do something I don’t really want to or enjoy to be loved? Am i worthy of being loved?

I'm so sorry. As a thirtysomething that had the privilege to afford never to have sex, and who doesn't plan to change that any time, soon, I can tell you from my own experience that yes, not wanting it is valid, and no one should blame you for it. No one should blame you for forcing yourself to try it (because damn the societal pressure is so real), and for never liking it either. I'm so sorry you've been so invalidated just for wanting to live as you are for so long.

Seems to me that what you have right now is something you've always deserved and it's tragic that you didn't get it any earlier, but it's such a relief you have it now. Of course it's OK to call him your boyfriend. As much as our closed-minded, stuck-in-its-own-way, can't-see-past-its-own-nose society would try to lead you to believe, you don't have to have or want sex with someone to love them, that's not a mandatory condition at all. Of course you're allowed to love and worthy of being loved. And no, you don't have to force yourself to do something you don't want to or enjoy to be loved. That applies not only to sex but to so many other things. You don't have to force yourself to do anything to be worthy of love.

It's idealistic thinking maybe, but I always think communication is incredibly important between two people, so I'd personally recommend (although take for that what you will, you were just sharing feelings here, it's not like you came into this inbox to be told what to do and it's kinda pretentious on my part to write this in the first place) to share those fears with your boyfriend, emphasizing, if you need to, that it's not that you don't trust him or don't love him, it's that with the struggles you've had to go through for so long as an asexual person, it's hard for you not to be scared of such things even if things are going great. Of course I don't know your boyfriend, but if you have the feeling he's supportive, I want to believe that he'll be there to reassure you and keep supporting you.

And heck, if it winds up being a disappointment and he actually did have sexual ulterior motives he can't do without... That's on him, not on you. There's nothing wrong with you not wanting sex. You have every right to enjoy loving someone and being with someone on your own terms. I'm fortunate enough to do so myself, at the moment (granted, in a queer platonic relationship so it's a bit different, but still), so I know first-hand it's possible. And I sincerely wish you the best. You don't deserve to be doubting yourself, your happiness and your right to happiness so much but I can't blame you for that either. Society can really fuck up an asexual's self-esteem. But fuck that noise. You're so valid as you are.

[strayheartless]

When you go quiet I hate myself:

**title credit to Dodie Clark’s song “hate myself”**

*****

Wanting to be left alone was all fun and games until you didn’t want to be alone anymore. Cloud knew this intimately. Being alone meant safety. It meant there was no possible way he could say the wrong thing, or be too blunt. He couldn’t upset someone with his resting face, nor could he make someone cry by telling them he really didn’t care.

He didn’t do it to be mean. He did it to be honest. Kindness wasn’t a foreign concept to him, but it was hard to master. Nobody gave you a book on how not to be an asshole. Nobody told you “hey, here’s all the rules you need to know in order to survive social interaction!”

No, you were simply thrust into it, naked and newborn and you just had to cope. He understood survival of the fittest, but he was not the fittest and he sure as shit wasn’t surviving. He just… was.

Maybe he’s feeling like this because it’s the first time Zack has been away since they started being friends. Maybe it’s because everyone else in the barracks went out for a drink and he hadn’t been invited. Regardless of the fact that he would have said no… he still felt the tang of rejection like breathing in air freshener just after it’s been sprayed. Nasty and bitter but oddly exactly like it smells.

He’d been asked before and he’d always said no. Of course they would stop asking eventually. It was just common sense. He’d done this to himself. He was the reason he currently felt so cripplingly alone. He just had to suck it up and get on with it.

Cloud rolls over and checks his phone again. Nothing.

Zack had said that he wasn’t likely to be on a non contact mission but so far it had been radio silence from the one person who always met Cloud in the middle. It was killing him, and he knew why… he just wasn’t willing to admit it yet.

Zack had given him his girlfriends number. He’d said she would be happy to keep him company while he was away. He’d said she had been keen to meet him even.

Zack was an oblivious fool.

Cloud was sure Aerith was quite lovely. Zack painted her to be Midgar’s sweetheart, and Clouds sure she was just fine… but he was also sure he’d be rude to her on purpose. All because she had the one thing he wanted and that wasn’t fair to her.

It wasn’t Aerith’s fault Cloud fell in love with someone so out of bounds it was ridiculous. Dark hair, exceedingly kind, willing to put up with his moody bullshit? Yeah Cloud was aware he had a type.

That type just happened to always be off limits. With Tifa it had been the fact that she was the towns only girl and therefore she was hoarded like gold by the boys she played with and the parents who had labelled him a problem. With Zack it was because he was straight and an idiot.

A gorgeous idiot… but an idiot never the less.

Zack had given Cloud a colour pallet with which to paint the world by and Cloud had realised too late that he could only access it when Zack was here. Being friends was fine, but the never ending torture of hearing him be in love was maddening. The constant reminder from everyone around him that he was terribly, awfully, chronically, terminally alone was agony.

But Cloud liked being alone, he always had. Being alone meant nobody could hate you for being you. Being alone meant that you controlled the quiet and the game and the rate at which things happened to you.

Being alone meant deafening silence and the knowledge that you still felt like a fucking child.

He’s aware he’s only twenty one. He’s aware that there will be time for relationships and life plans and families if he wants one.

He’s also aware that Denny in dorm C had just had a baby with his girlfriend. That Kai in his dorm had asked his girl to marry him. He was aware that people were sleeping with eachother casually and that even the underground queer community within the troops were going to the honey bee on weekends for drag shows and mixers.

He knows that he’d bypassed the pride parade for three years now because that many people all making noise in bright colours was Clouds idea of actual hell. He’s aware that even being bisexual, he’s still on the outside of the crowd. He’s never known what the in crowd looks like and he thought it was fine.

But now he aches. He aches so much he feels physically paralysed by it. Lying in his bunk staring at his phone and begging Zack to just… send a thumbs up. Anything to let him know he’s at least important enough to warrant remembering.

The phone stays silent.

Cloud pushes it off of the bed and turns over.

He pulls the covers over his head and feels the need to cry but it won’t happen. It never does.

He slams his head back on the matress, but it doesn’t hurt or even make him feel better. So he growls in fustration, shoves his head under his pillow and digs his nails into his scalp.

He tries to sleep but it is disturbed and full of anxiety and pain. Eventually he just pretends with his eyes closed and his head stuffy and numb.

He doesn’t see the text flash through from Zack. He doesn’t know that Aerith is wondering if she should make the first move.

‘Hi buddy, miss you tons. Gonna be back in a few days. How are you? Aerith said you haven’t text? No pressure man, I just worry your isolating yourself again. Call me when you see this?’

[lil-gae-disaster]

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is resting on my shoulders and I have no idea why.

Ever since I've gained a recognition of what politics are, I've treaded in those waters neck-deep.

I am arguing, protesting, raising attention wherever I can because I feel no one else will. Because politics have gone so up in the nose of my generation that we just shrug it off.

"This 1933 party is winning!" Eh.

"Trump vs Biden!" Shrug

"The planned deportation of any generation immigrants" doesn't affect me

"trans rights are removed" isn't important

"Homosexuals into prison again!" Isn't my problem

I completely understand anyone who's like "politics are too mentally draining for me" because, same. But at the same time I need to raise attention because everyone relies on everyone else.

The best thing is- I'm also scared. I'm scared of the public, I'm scared of the politicians, I'm scared of now being taken seriously.

Being scared of the public is a bad joke as an ongoing actor, but back to the topic.

I'm scared of being humiliated much more after my attempts at one-person activism Don't, or do, work. I'm scared of everyone groaning whenever I open my mouth because they expect a political debate. Which, can happen.

I'm scared of my friends leaving me, because even though they're all left, they try to talk me out of my urges to say and do something. They all tried to be like "yes its bad, but what can we do?" And I didn't respond because I have been taught to never answer a question that's used in the context of scolding.

I'm scared of not being taken seriously. I'm scared of the "You're just 14, what do you know?" Because nowadays children apparently don't know anything. It's quite ironic, coming from those who raised us or our parents, to the first generation in the age of VERY accessible knowledge.

I'm scared of how the public would treat my (dead)name if I did something, I'm scared of people finding me before my death, I'm scared of the judgemental way our (partially global) society is currently, which has, to my knowledge, not been as bad ever before.

I'm scared of people associating the wrong name of mine with myself, while this name is just an adjective people use to summarize what they would want to see. Not what they clearly see and I tell them.

I'm scared of my mother ruining any possibilities of me building weight to the name "Noah" and not the name "[REDACTED]" because of her using my old name to illusion herself that I'm what I have not been for a long time. What I have never been to begin with.

I'm scared of hearing my wrong name.

I'm scared of the judgements public.

I'm scared of not being taken seriously by the important people.

I'm scared of standing alone again.

But most importantly:

I'm scared of everything staying the same.

I need to do something, it pains me to wait, but with the way adults view children as property and teenagers as annoying and outspoken troublemakers, not people, never people, I cannot make myself be taken seriously and take action. I cannot get the important adults to listen to my woes.

Because I'm "just" a kid.

Because I'm queer.

Because I'm trans.

Because my old name is still popular in use.

Because I don't know any better.

Because I will never be seen as equally important as my cishet NT counterparts.

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

PoC and queer people, and queers of color are not out here being mad at everyone for no reason. Did you guys think it was just a group of cishet white men who probably don’t even watch the show? We have begged all these years for aid, but it’s dystopian-like to see you guys come together and pay over $21 thousand for a billboard within a few hours. The “charities” aren’t listed, and even then seeing fans tell the organizers use all the money for advertisements is horrifying to say the least. Even more so adding on the creator is a Zionist and antiBlack, which again White people arent gonna give a shit about as they continue to show so in all fandoms. It’s the people affected that calls this guy out, and y’all don’t listen. Do what you want, but stop diminishing our voices as the “angry crowd” have some damn compassion

CW: Racism, Anti-Semitism, Zionism, This is a save space ship so please do not read if you don't have the spoons because there's heavy shit in here today. ------ Hi friend! First of all, I want to say thank you so much for reaching out and giving me some more information! Personally, I don't think what you're being mad about is "for no reason". For me, that's not where the issue lies, and perhaps you could provide me with some further insight. So far, the only kinds of responses to this campaign that I've encountered that are negative have been "Taika is a Zionist", and I have not encountered that "queers of color " we're having a problem. Now, that could be that I just haven't seen them and now that my reach is out a little further it's coming up-- which is great, I want to have a conversation about it. I am newer to the fandom so it's possible I just haven't been around for a lot of this in the past, I admit that. I would be more than happy to hear more about what it is that "Queers of Color" have a problem with regarding the show.

------

In regards to "Even more so adding on the creator (I'm assuming you're referring to Taika here as opposed to David Jenkins?) is a Zionist and antiBlack, which again White people arent gonna give a shit about as they continue to show so in all fandoms."

So, I can see why you feel that way. I've heard a lot from many people of color who feel as if they aren't being considered in a lot of fandoms (not specifically this one but general scifi , fantasy, etc). I am white, so I know that no matter what my background is culturally, I cannot understand the full extent of what our friends of color go through so I try to amplify the voices of those people when they bring information to the table. I do think this fandom cares, and would love to hear more if you're willing to provide it.

My First Question is, where is the narrative coming from that Taika is AntiBlack? He's of Te Whānau-ā-Apanui, an indigenous person, with jewish heritage. I did some googling (yes I realise that's not the most efficient or accurate tool, but I did try to find independant sources). The thing that sticks out most to me is regarding the 2020 following the death of George Floyd. Here is one of the articles I referenced:

Taika's tweet was "Watch the whole thing. Eloquent. Clear. Everyone is angry but there is a way to direct that anger." in response to Killer Mike's message asking “not burn your own house down” and instead “fortify your own house.” and to "Plot, plan, strategize, and organize" as he said in the video.

Now, I see a lot of reactions from people of color specifically stating "don't police my anger" and that is a 100% valid take. No one should be telling you how to channel your anger when as a society you are being murdered and you have to fight back to survive. I do think that everyone still has a lot to learn.

I am going to give you a little background on myself (not to toot my own horn, but to provide a little perspective on how much we are still learning). I am whiteyest white person there is, like I go outside and my skin practically lights on fire from my irish/eastern european ancestry, but I also have a black biological grandmother from Guayana who had ancestry back to many years before when slaves were brought over during the Atlantic Slave Trade. So growing up, even though I was white, I thought I had it all figured out on racism because my grandma was black. The narratives taught in US schools were that "racism was in the past" because schools had been white washed, and I grew up in Northern Virginia, where it was supposed to be "multicultural center of the country" since we were so close to DC. Over time, I started finding out from friends of color and indigenous friends that they were still experiencing racism towards them. I never knew, because I wouldn't have, it wasn't faced towards me. And I knew some-- but I didn't know enough even then 15 years ago. Roll around to 2010-12ish, several things occurred that made "black face" become more prominent and I had more discussions with my friends about what kind of racism they dealt with in their day to day lives. I used to color my arms when I was a kid with a brown marker because I wanted to look like my grandma. I found out at the ripe old age of 24 that was basically black face for a lot of people and that it wasn't ok.

2020 came, and George Floyd, and Brianna Taylor, Stephan Clark, Botham Jean, Freddie Gray and so many others were murdered by police and white supremacist shitwads, and suddenly, not just me but so many more white people started to get the slightest inkling of just HOW BAD it really was for black people in this country. That was the year honestly I started to question the systems of our government, and all the racial inequalities that I THOUGHT I had understood before.

Our government, our society culturally has tried its best to sweep racial inequality under the rug, and pretend like "racism is gone" when we still have systems built on racism, that benefit from racist systems of the past. (This is why it's so important that we keep fighting against people who want to white wash history books in a lot of the southern states like FL and TX) Is that an excuse? Of course not. But I believe in change whole-heartedly, and while I am still ashamed of the vast ignorance I had for so many years, and worry about the ignorance I still don't know I'm ignorant of, I do try to be better. I am trying to take that shame and continue to learn and chip away at my ignorance not only through others but on my own. I am not asking for you to pity, or to forgive me or any other white person for that kind of ignorance, what I'm doing here is trying to make a safe space to share and so you can see that people can actively change. Is it enough? Probably not, but it's a start.

-- Now, All that to say, regarding Taika... that tweet from 2020, as I said, quite a lot of people (of all colors) had their eyes opened that year to some pretty systemic racist horrors, and if that is the tweet that sparked the idea that Taika is "Anti-Black" I think, while you don't have to forgive him, it would be something to consider that quite a lot of people were well intending during that time but did not fully comprehend exactly how bad it was. I would however, if you'd be willing to chat with me in DMs about it, or send another ask, like to hear more if there was more evidence of it somewhere I didn't see.

-------- In regards to Taika being a Zionist... which I have heard from others quoting the letter he signed asking for the release of hostages in Gaza. I'm including a link to a copy of the letter just so people can read it, I realize the hollywood reporter isn't an amazing source, but it has the letter included, so thats why. Once again, when that letter came out back in October, quite a lot of people didn't actually know what was going on in Gaza.

We all heard brief things in our day to day news feed, but just like how everything is on the internet right now, information isn't "complete" it's broken up in fragments and it takes a really long time to compile them. There is misinformation galore, and it's incredibly easy to not hear the entire story. I know in October, I was dealing with health issues and I was completely just not paying attention what was going on (we all have our lives and as much as I'd like to say we can all be omniscient and fully present for all things it's truly not a reasonable expectation of any human being nor should it be, the world is a very large place, and we should help where we can but there's a limitation on human ability).

In my opinion, as someone who has tried a lot of their life to "do the right thing" and made a lot of mistakes and tried to learn from them, that letter, and Taika signing it seemed like a "Good intentions" situation again, hoping that he could help in someway. Am I making excuses for him? No, I'm expressing my perspective. I'm not here to change your opinion on him, I'm here to express why fans are still fighting for this show. Do you have other resources regarding his support of zionism?

What concerns me though as a whole, is people throwing 'Zionist' around very liberally these days. I am not an expert on the situation and I don't claim to be. However, growing up in DC when 9/11 happened, I can tell you that labels like that can get dangerous very VERY quickly. Muslim families I grew up with had their windows shattered with bricks on the night of 9/11 (and labeled terrorists) despite being pillars in the community and never having hurt a soul.

Right now, Zionist is a word that is being used to label someone in a very intense way, and it invokes dangerous responses in people. I do believe we really need to make sure we are labeling these situations properly because those kinds of labels CAN and WILL get out of hand very quickly and get people hurt.

I'm going to link to this article from the Anne Frank house to define Zionism. I am also going to list this article from the American Jewish Committee regarding racism and anti-semitism. Once again I'm not an expert on the situation going on in Gaza, and I'm happy to hear more regarding it.

-----------

In regards to your comments on the charities: There are some charities listed in a few places, they just aren't all part of the advertising campaign one:

The main one for Rainbow Youth is here: The Renew As a Crew Fundraiser (not the advertising one) https://ry-community.raisely.com/renewasacrew/ **The Advertising Campaign / Charities**

You mentioned in your ask "even then seeing fans tell the organisers use all the money for advertisements is horrifying to say the least".

I can understand why that would be horrifying to someone who is feeling raw the way that you are. It's completely valid. I would like to offer up the perspective that some people are very invested in this show for their own reasons (some people have never felt represented in major networks) and they too are allowed to feel excited and say things that might be in their own best interest. We are all allowed those opinions, and I think the more we shame people for wanting something, the less discussion we're going to be able to have. That said, I think the @renewasacrew leadership team made a good decision to stick to their original $10K for advertising, and the rest going to charity because of the confusion. It does the most good, and still allows the original intent -- to show the world how much Our Flag Means Death means to many people.

In regards to which charities they are going to -- I had seen somewhere that they were going to a charity Samba and Vico Ortiz had chosen but I asked the leadership team on twitter and this is what they responded with (which I think is fair, they're trying to take their time to make a good decision with the help of everyone involved).

-------------------

I would also like to point out however, that we do have the ability to care about more than one thing at once. One thing that makes life worth living is the little things that make us smile. I have a lot of stuff at home that makes life rough, and my escape is this gay pirate show, and this beautiful, compassionate community that supports it.

We are allowed to have things that we love as well as the things we fight for. I do a lot of my activism on facebook and in person, I don't bring it to tumblr much because this is the safe space for a lot of people to dream and have dreams. It is important for everyone's mental health to step away from the realities of life sometimes (which I know some people like those in Gaza or Ukraine can't do) or else we all burn out and can't help anymore.

I hope this helps a bit in showing you we do care about queers of color, and we do want to know more how we can help, and we are willing to listen. There's a lot of compassion in this community, and I think a lot of people would be willing to talk about it if things are done in a safe space. I do apologize that you feel like we've "diminished" your voices, that was not the intention. If you would like to use that voice to provide more examples and your views I'm happy to listen. I do think we need to allow people to enjoy things too though, because life's not worth living otherwise. Nothing is perfect, but we continue to try and improve.

I would also like to recommend that if the OFMD fandom renewal campaign is bothering folks, please feel free to block us. We don't want to make anyone feel bad, but we also want to express ourselves in a healthy manner. Much love your way Anon.

[total-drama-atlas]

Character Headcanons

this is just sexuality and gender hcs lol but here we go! I'm going to go in first elimination order in their debut season, except for the new cast (because i haven't finished the season yet, so I dont want to spoil it for myself) which will be in the order that i remember them, then the hosts.

Ezekiel: I think he's cishet. just the homeschool stereotype and all that. but maybe he discovers something about himself between meeting alejandro and going completely feral

Eva: she's a butch lesbian. i personally think she's cis, but i could see transfem eva

Noah: gay trans man. i mean have you guys even seen his character

justin: I think he's aroace. again, i personally think justin is cis, but i could see him being trans

katie: trans lesbian. i just know it okay

tyler: he's bi. he absolutely had a crush on alejandro. you can't change my mind. i also think he's cis but again, i could see him being transmasc

izzy: shes transfem. of course. and i think she's a lesbian, but i could see her being bi or pan. assuming she's lesbian, her relationship with owen could either be just strategy or comphet. you decide

cody: have you seen the way that boy dresses? trans man bisexual disaster.

beth: personally, i think she gives cishet vibes, but i could see her possibly being bi and/or transfem.

sadie: obviously lesbian. she and katie are in love. of course. and idk if she's cis or trans. i could see either. but I think she is also trans. t4t

courtney: as much as i love duncney... i think courtney is lesbian. i think she has extreme comphet and she doesn't realize her sexuality until wt, and then doesn't come to terms with it and accept herself until all stars. but i think she's cis

harold: transfem harold is canon. to me. idk their sexuality tho. i could see them as omni or pan tho.

trent: bisexual trent is so real guys. again, i personally think he's cis, but I could see transmasc trent

bridgette: i could see her as transfem, but I also could see her as cis. also she gives me pan vibes but I can also see her being straight. idrk

lindsay: shes pan. i just know it okay. i personally see her as cis, but again, i could see transfem lindsay. or transmasc lindsay.

DJ: cis, aroace. he's just a really sweet guy

geoff: cis, bisexual. i just know it okay

leshawna: cis, bisexual. i just. i just know it okay

duncan: cis bisexual. he'll call you a slur tho

heather: transfem lesbian. trust me guys. i could also see her being ace tho

gwen: transfem bi. i just know

owen: cis bi. he is canonically bi btw. he had a crush on justin. it was played as a joke but. that's just what happened

blaineley: i could see her as straight or queer honestly. i personally think she's cishet.

sierra: transfem. for sure. and i think she's a lesbian with comphet. just like heather and courtney.

alejandro: I think he's cis, but i could see him being trans. also he's bi. trust me. but i mean i could see him being gay. it's plausible.

staci: she doesn't have enough screen time for me to tell. she has like. ten minutes total. but shes trans

dakota: transfem pansexual. i just know it okay

B: i think they're nb, or at the least a trans man. i mean. his deadname is a traditionally feminine name.. it lines up. they're not cis i can tell you that much. anyway i think he's aroace

dawn: genderqueer panromantic ace. just trust me okay

sam: he gives me cishet vibes, but also i could easily see him being bi or pan.

Brick: i feel like he's cis but I also like the idea of him experimenting with gender nonconformity. and as much as i like jo x brick as a ship, i also think brick is probably gay. or bi with a heavy male preference

anne maria: transfem anne maria is canon. to me. anyway she's very much bi.

mike: i feel like he's cis but i could see him as trans, and i think he's pan. i'm also treating his alters like separate characters, though i know very little about multiple personality disorder, so idk if that's exactly how that works (feel free to correct me in replies)

vito: i hc him to be cis but idk. also he's pan. if vito finds you hot, it doesn't matter what you've got going on.

Svetlana: transfem lesbian. trust me okay

chester: cishet ally.

mal: look i like the queer hcs for mal. y'all are so real for that. but i think he's cishet and homophobic and transphobic

manitoba: trans manitoba is real. to me. also he's pan. trust me y'all

jo: trans butch lesbian

scott: cis gay man

zoey: she could be either cis or trans. i think she's transfem. and also she's pan. i don't think an explanation is necessary

cameron: she was very sheltered, so i doubt she would have been exposed to LGBTQ+ stuff so she wouldn't know it at first.. but I think cam would be transfem. bc i saw a post where someone said that it would be funny if cameron realized she was trans because lightning kept calling her a "girl" and that was her awakening lol. anyway she's ace

lightning: cis gay man

beardo: he gets like ten minutes of screen time and he doesn't really talk.. cis bi

leonard: cis gay. i just know it

amy: cishet +homo/transphobic (i'll explain in a minute)

rodney: he's cis, okay. and pan. i just know it

sammy: shes transfem lesbian. trust me. That's why Amy hates her sm. it lines up with real experiences that I know people have

ella: she's bi. i just know it. but i'm not sure what their gender situation is.. but she uses she/they pronouns

Topher: cis gay man. just look at him i mean

dave: cishet. undecided on his opinion of queer people. (he decides he's an ally when he finds out sky is queer but he then declares himself homophobic when she rejects him) he would call you a slur

scarlett: transfem lesbian.

max: transmasc gay.

jasmine: transfem bi

sugar: cis lesbian

shawn: transmasc pan. i just know it okay

sky: transfem bi/pan. i just know it okay. also that's why dave decided he's homophobic and transphobic now

Tammy: trans lesbian. trust me okay

Pete: cis gay. also he's married to gerry

Gerry: cis gay. also he's married to pete

Ellody: trans lesbian. also she's dating mary

Mary: cis lesbian. also she's dating ellody

laurie: cis bisexual. also she's dating miles

miles: trans lesbian. also she's dating laurie

tom: cis gay

jen: cis lesbian

kelly: cishet ally

taylor: cishet homophobe

jay: major cishet vibes. but idk he might learn some things. once he's actually esposed to the outside world

mickey: see jay.

lorenzo: cishet. i didn't really care for the stepbros team so i haven't really put much though into it

chet: cishet. see lorenzo

rock: nonbinary bisexual. also he's dating spud

spud: trans gay man. also he's dating rock

dwayne: cishet homophobe

junior: he's like. 11. i'm not saying you can't have figured our your sexuality and gender at that age. but junior definitely hasnt

ennui: trans bi man. canonically dating crimson (and i'm keeping taht)

crimson: trans bi woman. canonically dating ennui (and Im keeping it taht way)

stephanie: cis bi woman. i just know it.

ryan: cishet ally

devin: cis bi man

carrie: cishet ally (she's a HUGE ally okay)

kitty: cis lesbian

emma: cis lesbian

josee: transfem lesbian

jacques: trans gay man

macarthur: trans butch lesbian. also she's dating sanders

sanders: cis lesbian. also she's dating macarthur

brody: cis pansexual. just trust me okay

axel: trans butch lesbian. also she's in love with nichelle

nichelle: cis femme lesbian. also she's in love with axel

emma: cis lesbian with extreme comphet

chase: cis bi man with lots of internalized homophobia. anyway he's in love with ripper

ripper: cis bi man. also he's in love with chase. (i don't like ripper or chase. they're perfect for each other tho)

wayne: cishet ally (he's canonically an ally!!)

raj: cis gay. also bowraj for life

bowie: cis gay. also bowraj for life

i need to make another block of text bc i reached the character limit lmao

scary girl/lauren: transfem lesbian. i just know it

zee: nonbinary pansexual. trust me

julia: cis lesbian. but she'll call you a slur. she's dating MK

damien: i think he's a cishet ally. but i could see him as bi

caleb: cis aroace. no i will not elaborate

millie: transfem lesbian

priya: cis lesbian

MK: nonbinary lesbian. they're dating julia

The host with the most, chris mclean: trans gay man. he'll call you a slur tho. he's married to chef

Chef Hatchet: cis gay man. he's married to chris

Don: cis gay man. he hates chris's guts.

that's every character. anyway next week it's going to be a tierlist of all the characters <3

[34saveme34]

yall expecting anything interesting from this week's episode?

like. I've been thinking n like I wish I could stop that

because in a sense, the series has been.... very unrpredictable

in like, a bad way

I'm not even saying they're telling bad stories but that it all just goes weirdly and some choices they make are.... odd? yeah, odd

like I guess it's odd they don't use their cast better

or that Melony's whole personality is just Axol (god awful thing I'm about to say but maybe it would've been better for her if she died in revelations so we wouldn't have to see her character reduced to this so badly. like I'm not even kidding)

or making 4 seem so god damn evil then immediately backpedalling on that with the "it's an act" and I'll say it again, if they wanted to make a good story about it being an ACT, they should've shown more signs, even if tiny, they should've shown more. Like you could try and explain this shit away if you want but just think about it, before A Night at SMG4's, what did you believe? Did you believe he was becoming evil or did you believe it was an act? What made more sense to you? It's odd and unpredictable

the also weird ass ignoring of 3 drinking away his problems, it appearing TWICE

and like, that's been a storyline that was going for a while, I even pointed out that like, lately episodes that were all capital had something to do with him failing with it

but no uh, suddenly it's good after that shitty night at 4's shitty ass episode I still hate it for what it did for the story

like, what did that episode even do for it? Anything? NO

NO, and DON'T F U C K I N lie to me, you know that shit didn't happen either

and I'm done lying to myself about it

there was NO indication it actually helped

all it did was drive Puzzles away, but my man had nothing to do with the café, at least not to our knowledge which would be really negligent if they didn't tell us that he actually did

like, there's no reason for why it would get better, there's just nothing

and I knooooooooow I should enjoy the show for what it is and stop complaining because I'm gonna sound like a reddit user on r/smg4 but also like

I AM the complainer, I interpret things and discuss them, I'm all about it, I love discussing possibilities and have a lot of joy out of it

hell I also like crack ideas that sometimes. stem out of desperation

like me when I said, Idk if it was on the blog but me when I said it would be silly if 3 was drinking away his feelings for 4 perhaps in those silly little scenes

but like, nah, team's not brave enough

like what I noticed is that the ship is probably not becoming canon

but not because there wouldn't be a reason to, or they couldn't work out a narrative, in FACT it would be REALLY easy, even just today I thought of a way, in fact all of us think of ways so many times, Sever the Ties was also me thinking of a way, that would've been a narratively nice way to get them together and also show they care for each other

but yeah, I think they're not becoming canon because the writers are scared of doing more than jokes with them, I think what they wanted with them was just 2 homoerotic dudes having silly moments that can be laughed at, almost like they. can't take them seriously (trash friends-esque episodes, please comes back.......... sobbing)

which, aight, I guess

NOT QUEERBAITING THOUGH!!!! QUEER BAITING ISN'T ABOUT HINTS, IT'S ABOUT PROMISES!!!! THEY AREN'T QUEERBAITING US!!!!!!!!!!! THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT GETTING THEM TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!

so yea I'm, not jaded with the show, I'm really not, I still like a lot of things about it and can't wait to see what they cook up this week

and even like, episodes I hate have good moments, not even a question, I can enjoy them (besides the endings)

I just yknow, I like to complain and I KNOW I'm not the only one

you don't need to like, agree with me, you can like botched storylines, I just like complain about said storylines even if I like some parts of it

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling my cousin i know he’s gay?

at the beginning of summer, my parents and i (20NB) visited my dad’s side of the family in the south. we stayed with an aunt and uncle, but the only person who really matters here is their son/my cousin (17M). i’d say he and i aren’t necessarily close. we get along just fine when we visit, but never really talk outside of that. i still care a lot for him, but we just don’t communicate much.

earlier this year, i heard from my dad that he got a boyfriend. i thought to send him my congrats, being the only other openly queer member of the family, but then i questioned why my dad even knew that. his side of the family is deeply conservative, and i knew for a fact that this kid’s dad had genuinely cried when trump lost the elections. it didn’t feel right for that knowledge to be so public, especially considering he and my dad aren’t that close, either. i asked him if my cousin had told him himself, and he said no. i asked him if my cousin had given permission to disclose that. he didn’t know how to respond to that. i’d previously been outed against my will to this side of the family, and it became obvious that that’s what happened to him, as well. i asked if his parents knew, and my dad said no. despite telling everyone and their dog about it, everyone was keeping it from them, likely out of fear for his safety. i was glad for that, at the least.

anyways. our visit went fine, in the grand scheme of things. what’s hanging on my mind is when i pulled my cousin aside one day to ask the family’s opinion on me, and if they ever talked about me behind my back. they all act cordially enough around me, using my proper name, pronouns, etc, but that’s to be expected. not only do they all care a lot for appearances, but when i first visited after coming out at 14, i had a horrible panic attack due to some of them constantly misgendering me. my dad gave them a stern talking to, and he’s the type of guy you don’t want to make angry, so thankfully it never happened again. i couldn’t ask this to my parents, because they tend to dance around the subject to protect me, or outright lie to me (i don’t hold it against them, as i said, they think it’s to protect me), but i knew he would tell the truth. i should mention that he hadn’t disclosed to me anything about his boyfriend or sexuality at this point, and i obviously wasn’t going to push.

he told me that yes, they did. i won’t go into the details, but it’s what i largely expected. after he finished explaining, he added “they talk a lot about me, too” or something along those lines. it was obvious what he was alluding to, but only because i already knew. had my dad not told me, i know that comment would’ve gone right over my head. so i played dumb. i laughed and asked what they could possibly say about him, and he was quick to stutter out something about how they gossip about everyone. the conversation stopped shortly after, but i can’t stop thinking about it.

the reason i lied and played dumb is that i wanted to give him some autonomy over his coming out. it was obviously ripped away from him by everyone else, and i know how shitty that feels. i wanted him to have a choice, for once. the thing is, i know i’m hypocritical for doing so. were i in his shoes, i’d want to know if i was forcibly outed, and by who. the reason that conversation even started was because i wanted someone to tell me the truth, and i ended up lying myself in the end. i don’t know. should i have told him? i wanted to give him the choice i never had, but i don’t know if that was selfish of me or not to project my feelings onto him like that. AITA for not telling him i knew?

What are these acronyms?

[campgender]

from “Soft Butch” by Nora E. Derrington, published in Fat & Queer: An Anthology (2022)

image description below the cut.

I: Soft

There’s an onomatopoeia to the word. It begins with a sibilant, sinuous, sensual ess, then moves on to a gentle ah that caresses the palate. Then the quick succession of consonants hitting the lips and teeth like a playful kitten batting a toy mouse. The word is a delicacy, smooth and subtle.

As a descriptor, it can be tactile: pliable, cushioned, comfortable. Cotton sheets worn silky smooth. Downy puppy fur. Velvet rose petals drawn across bare skin. But of course, the negative associations slip in quickly: pliable becomes yielding, yielding becomes weak. A soft touch. Soft-hearted. A big softie. An antonym not just for hard but for strong.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be strong, to be tough. I didn’t want to be soft. How could I be anything but soft, though, when PE was my worst subject and I was so sensitive that the slightest injustice—Nikki’s mom yelling at me for wearing shoes on Nikki’s waterbed, even though the tell-tale footprint clearly came from Nikki’s shoe—or most mundane tragedy—restless teens dismembering a cheap claw-machine teddy bear in my presence—never failed to make me cry?

II. Butch

More onomatopoeia here, too: a voiced plosive, a deep vowel, three consonants in a row. Similar in feel to “macho”—but subtly different in meaning. Stereotypically masculine. Nothing about me has ever been masculine, so how could I ever be butch?

Dickies pants became the rage when I was in high school. As an alternative-rock aficionado who obsessed over the sound and aesthetics of the movie Singles—it came out when I was 12 and changed my life—I knew I needed them. When I was 16 and had both a job and transportation, I made my way to the local Tillys to snag a pair. The black cotton twill was stiff under my fingers as I stepped into the pants and pulled them up.

The Dickies pulled against my hips, uncomfortably snug, and gaped so wide at my waist I could fit a fist between my skin and the cloth. I left the store disappointed. Why did I even bother? “Good, child-bearing hips,” people would tell me, even as an adolescent. I resigned myself to a presentation that never quite matched the ideal in my head.

VII. Soft butch

Despite my fitting comfortably under the queer umbrella, I’d never really given all that much thought to the specifics of my gender identity and expression. I met a trans man when I was 24 who used the same nickname I do, which made it easier to see our similarities, but I knew immediately that his path wasn’t mine. Later that year I met someone who epitomizes high femme, and, again, I could immediately see both how perfectly she embodied that expression, and how poorly it would suit me.

The person I thought of at the time as my boyfriend, then my husband, used to joke that I was the man in the relationship— despite my tender heart, my frequent tears, my undeniable softness—but I was more or less content in just knowing what I wasn’t. It seems possible I could have stayed in that liminal place forever, but then when we were in our mid-thirties, my wife came out as trans.

This is not a story of my adapting to my wife being trans. I’d always known we were both queer, and discovering I was married to a woman came more as a pleasant surprise than anything else.

What did happen, though, was that her coming out gave me permission to do more soul-searching, to try to pinpoint my gender identity and ideal gender expression. I first encountered the term “soft butch” in one of those joke “futch scale” charts—the ones that sort musical instruments or tropical fruits on a scale from high femme to stone butch—but it stuck with me. It didn’t seem to be something I was allowed to call myself, though: image searches on Google or Pinterest just led to rows of photos of beautiful slender white people with artful short haircuts and distressed jeans. Lots of Kristen Stewart and Elliot Page and occasionally Justin Bieber. I am definitely too old and too fat to try to emulate those folks! Eventually I lamented on Twitter that I was drawn to the soft butch aesthetic but didn’t know if I could pull it off, given that I’m not thin. I quickly received a slightly baffled but firm response from a genderqueer acquaintance that of course I could. In some ways I’m still a kid, seeking others’ permission to accept myself.

I realize as I write this that I’m wearing what might be my quintessential soft butch outfit—it fits me almost without my trying. Distressed jeans—a pair that I stole from my wife long before she transitioned. They fit my hips and thighs beautifully, which means I have to cinch a belt tight to make them stay up around my waist, but I know how to manage that now. A close-fitting t-shirt celebrating a punk band I’ve seen in concert a good dozen times. Hair pulled back into a messy bun. Fuzzy gray slippers with arch support, because I’m a middle-aged fat person, so of course I have plantar fasciitis. A gentle breath before a firm statement: the perfect mixture of soft and butch.

[max--phillips]

Idk I’m just thinking about the last time this happened I was still in a pretty shitty place in my life, I was in the midst of my one failed attempt at traditional college, and the concept of a Trump presidency was still just a joke. I remember going to a gathering that night around a fountain on campus and having to talk myself out of getting into a fucking fight with a couple of jackass kids who were making fun of us for being upset. I was 18 staring down 19 and I know I was an idiot then, and so were those kids, and maybe I had hope that those kids changed as much as I have in the last 8 years, but clearly that was wishful thinking.

I couldn’t tell you how I felt that night, frankly, I don’t remember a whole lot beyond big details and the above. I imagine I probably felt a lot like this—hopeless, pissed off, scared. I remember contemplating taking the pride stickers I had on my car at the time off. (RIP that shitty Aveo.)

But I also remember feeling absolutely fucking positive that I was suddenly going to face violence. That I would walk outside to go get lunch or dinner or whatever (because let’s face it, I wasn’t going to class at that point; remember, failed attempt at college) and I’d be harassed or attacked because I was a visibly queer person who people perceived as a woman. But that didn’t happen. Other than the jackasses at the vigil that night, and the other jackasses who interrupted the military swearing in ceremony at the next home football game to scream Trump’s name (which, regardless of how you felt about the election or the military, was inappropriate and rude), I never faced anything. That’s a sort of benefit of being a white person in Indiana, I guess, is that the vast majority of people have a very “mind your own business” approach to things and for the most part will leave you alone. (I have heard awful things about people of color being harassed and spit on and attacked, though, which is why I specify being a white person. Indiana was, after all, the first state to be called in 2020, and the second state this year, both for Trump, of course. I don’t remember when we were called in 2016, but that’s beside the point.)

This is just rambling, so I don’t think there’s a cohesive point to this, but somewhere in there is this: history repeats itself, and if you’re privileged, chances are this will go just like last time (sans pandemic, statistically speaking). But, unlike last time, we know what to expect, and it is even more imperative than ever that we leverage our privilege for the benefit of those around us. You gotta get over yourself and stand up for people. Because those with less privilege are in far more danger than before—violent racists and transphobes and their ilk have been emboldened, there is a framework for healthcare for millions of people to be ripped away, people are going to lose homes, livelihoods, families, loved ones, lives. We can’t just sit here and wish for it to go away. We have to actually do something.

Do I know what that something is? No. I’m tired and I’ve been on the verge of a panic attack all day. Beyond that, finding a silver bullet solution to the world’s problems is far, far above my pay grade. I write porn, for fuck’s sake, not theory. (Again, failed attempt at college!) But wallowing in fear and sadness, while okay for a little while yet (we all need to process and cope), will not accomplish anything once the chips are down and you will need to eventually get your ass up and help people around you. Posting is not helping, by the way. Witty one liners are not going to fix anything. Volunteer. Donate. Go do something.

Alright. I’m done rambling for now. If none of this makes sense, fair, I’m not trying to write a damn manifesto here, I’m just rambling. Hopefully there’s something useful in there but mostly I’m just writing this shit out for myself to actually comprehend the thoughts I’m having, and maybe possibly force something encouraging out of the miasma. And I guess I do have one piece of advice, and this particular piece of advice is always useful, I think: malicious compliance is your friend. I have a feeling it will be very important in the coming years.