#but I’ll set a goal for myself so maybe I’ll feel good enough to do it

[skidzobrainia]

Been trying to groove back into art again

[starkeysprincess]

Oh hell no girly, you can not leave me hanging with the idea of a personal trainer!Rafe and not write it :( I legit need you to write it pretty please! Just her coming to the gym, getting super shook seeing that it's such a handsome guy, feeling super shy and embarrassed because she is not ''done up'' or even wearing nice workout clothes, just wanting to run out and cancel

bae, trust that I won’t leave you hanging, I’ve been holding off on this au & the moodboard has been sitting in my drafts collecting dust since the middle of July 😭

you'd walk into the gym, wearing nothing but biker shorts and an old baggy oversized shirt that probably embarrassingly enough has small bleach stains from the one time you dyed your hair.

you've been sitting on the idea of having a personal trainer for months but figured it was time to just do it and sign up.

you approach the front desk to greet the receptionist, asking if you can be signed up to work with a personal trainer.

“alright, you’re all set up. now, we just have to see which trainer will work well with your goals and availability” the girl mutters, scrolling the mouse to the computer. “okay, it looks like Rafe is the only one who fits for what you’re looking for”.

“I’ll go get him so the two of you can discuss when you want to start”.

you leaned against the counter, looking around the gym as you waited. watching several girls walk in and out of the gym in their sports bras and tiny shorts and a full face of makeup.

you were too focused on watching people come and go to notice Rafe approaching you until you heard your name, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“I’m Rafe” he introduced himself, holding his hand out and your breath hitches in your throat at the tall, handsome, buff man standing in front of you.

it took you a few seconds to register he even said something because you were too busy gawking at the way his muscles moved under his shirt before you placed your much smaller hand into his, introducing yourself.

“I already know your name, princess” he chuckles, recalling the fact that he did say your name when he approached you.

your could feel your face burning in sheer embarrassment, wanting to turn around and run right out of the gym when you remembered your appearance.

you try your best not to stutter your words as the two of you discussed when your first session would start.

“alright, I’ll see you next week, yeah? ‘M looking forward to working with you” he grins, shooting you a playful wink before heading back to continue working.

“oh my god, i just wanna crawl in a hole” you mutter to yourself when you got into your car, “maybe i should just go back in there and cancel, yeah that would be a good idea except I already embarrassed the shit out of myself enough for today”.

[harleychick91]

The Final Tape (Rated M for adult language)

Summary: After seeing all of Myxy’s outcomes, Kara has to make a choice. Call Lena a villain and have nothing but pain or help her succeed? Either option will change the outcome of everyone’s future.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/58318237

The Final Tape

After watching the last tape Myxy left, I knew what I had to do. Changing into my suit, I flew towards Lena’s. Landing, I noticed the glass door open as she made her nightly cup of tea. Guarded eyes flashed towards me. “Let me guess, you're here to once again tell me I should forgive you or maybe I shouldn't work with my brother.”

“No,” I shook my head. “Not this time.”

“Then why are you here?”

“To tell you the truth. Everything. No matter the outcome, you need to know the truth.” Lena’s brow creased. Tentatively, I stepped across the threshold and into the condo, a weight lifting from my shoulders. “I choose you.”

“What?”

“I choose you. Don’t work with Lex. Work with me. Let me help you finish whatever you’re planning.”

“What changed?” Folding her arms, Lena studied me. “You’ve always done the right thing. Never once have you stepped into the darkness even if it’s for the greater good.”

“Watching you die every time we’re not side by side.” Lena’s mask slipped. “Tonight, I saw multiple scenarios where I told you who I was in different stages of our friendship,” I swallowed over the painful lump that formed in my throat. “You died in every single one except the one where I tell you everything.”

“I seem to remember someone not understanding quantum entanglement, let alone the effect of Q-Waves on the brain. How could you help me?”

"Because unlike Lex, I actually can complete your project.” Curiosity gleamed in the woman’s eyes. “As is, Non Nocere is doomed to fail because the brain will always evolve to protect itself. Q-Waves alone aren't enough.”

“How can you possibly know this?” Lena scoffed.

“Before Krypton exploded, I was set to be the youngest inductee into Krypton's elite Science Guild. I also studied Myriad extensively after taking it from my aunt. You may be the only person in the world who knows as much about this as I do.” Lena’s brow twitched. “Another lie, I know. Currently, time is influx but decisions made tonight will make this become a fixed point.”

“So, you’re choosing for me?” Lena smirked.

“No. I’ve made my choice to come here and tell you how I feel. It’s your choice to turn me away or not.”

Debating her choices, Lena studied me. “You really do understand theoretical physics and quantum mechanics,” she murmured. “Was anything you said real?”

“Everything as Kara Danvers was, besides not understanding science. When you mentioned that, Rao, I wanted to talk. Tell you everything about Krypton but I didn’t have the courage to tell you I was Supergirl.”

“And you're willing to help me accomplish my goal? Even if it crosses your moral ethics code?"

“After seeing you die every time we’re apart, I’ll do anything to keep you safe.”

Slowly, the walls Lena had rebuilt started to come down. “You’re serious about this?”

“I won’t stand by and watch you endanger yourself by working with Lex.” I took a deep breath to ground myself. “If given the choice between you and watching the world burn, I would choose you every time without hesitation.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and there is no line in the universe I wouldn't cross to keep you safe.”

Recognition flashed across the brunette’s face. “How…”

“I always listen to you. But unlike James, I am okay with love at that level,” I paused. “I always had the feeling that’s how I felt, especially when you told me to drop you and save the chemicals.” I shook my head. “I could never. If it means being by your side, I'll help you with whatever it is. The pain of being away from you hurts too much.”

“Then we should talk. Come sit.” Lena motioned to a barstool. Sitting, she placed her mug of tea before me and poured herself another. “I refused to help Lex, he's been helping me. But if you are offering to help me, then I'm done pretending this is anything other than what it truly is. The world destroys itself and smiles as it burns. I want to fix it, my way. But if you are serious, we can make it our way.”

Holding the mug towards Lena, I spoke, “I'm serious. I’ve never been more serious about anything.”

“To a new partnership,” Lena tapped her mug against mine. “I’m assuming no one knows about this change of heart?”

“No. I literally just finished watching the final tape.” I sipped the steamy liquid.

”What are these tapes you keep talking about? Did whoever leave them with you?”

“He only left two. However, he said I couldn’t let you watch them yet. I would know the time when you were ready. Currently, if you tried to watch them, it would just show a fuzzy black and white screen.”

”Of course,” Lena huffed. “To keep everyone off our trail, I’ll have Andrea send you on a deep assignment. One that you didn’t know about and couldn’t tell anyone.” I stared at the brunette, dumbfounded. “What?”

“It always amazes me how quickly your mind works.” Something just went through her mind. Something softer like before when her arms fell.

“Since we’ll be working closely together, you’ll be staying in the guest room for the foreseeable future. Go home and pack all of the clothing that’s more like mine and any personal items you want to bring.” Noticing the change in my demeanor, Lena frowned. “Having second thoughts already?”

“No, no. You said personal things. After crisis, I’ve been stumbling across things that this version of us didn’t have. Like the L-Corp swag you gave me or the pictures we took over the years. Obviously, I understand why there isn’t L-Corp swag but the zip up jacket was so soft and comfortable.”

“I’ve noticed that too,” Lena’s voice was soft. “I’ll give you an image inducer and you’ll become my personal assistant in the lab and otherwise.”

“Alright.” Finishing my tea, I got to my feet. “I’ll be back shortly with my things.”

Pulling out her phone, Lena put in her passcode. “I’ll take care of Andrea.”

Flying into my loft, I pulled out my luggage set. Filtering through my closet and drawers, I packed the clothing that matched Lena’s wardrobe the best. Obviously, I can’t dress like myself even with the image inducer. Thankfully, I can still keep my lounge wear and other, more intimate, articles of clothing. Moving to the bathroom, I packed my toiletries in a separate bag.

The final task was my kitchen. I disposed of the items that would expire in the next few months. Anything I wanted to bring with me, I packed in the smallest suitcase. Lena will be stocked on tea for sure. This world’s Kara kept a few boxes of it like I did. While they weren’t friends, apparently Kara liked the tea as well. Zipping the suitcase, I thought about the brunette. She must have known I’d choose her on some level. Or hoped I would. Lena didn’t bat an eye when I told her I loved her.

Glancing over my loft, I sighed. I’m saying goodbye to this life. I made my choice and I don’t regret it but I know Alex won’t understand. Maybe she will one day. Anything Supergirl or D.E.O. related, I left on my bed. This way, I can’t be tracked. I tied the two suitcases and the bag together to make them easier to transport. locking up, I flew out the window.

Landing back on Lena’s balcony, I saw her reading over something on her tablet. Noticing my suitcases, her brow rose. “You came prepared.”

“I told you, I’m willing to help you no matter how long it takes.” I started towards the guest room.

“I see this,” Lena followed. She leaned against the doorframe as I began to unpack. “I cleared you some space in the bathroom and a cabinet in the kitchen. I figured you’d bring food and toiletries.”

Stepping into the closet, I hung the dress clothes. “You always did know me better than anyone.” I can feel her eyes burning into me. She doesn’t trust me yet. Not fully. She will in time.

“Andrea will be reassigning your work at CatCo tomorrow.”

“Good. I left everything Supergirl or D.E.O. related back at the loft to make it seem like I was sent away on assignment. Also, I didn’t want to be tracked.”

“Yes, having someone bust down my door would be very inconvenient. I’ll leave you to it. We will start bright and early tomorrow morning.”

“Goodnight, Lena.”

Hesitating for a moment, Lena responded, “Goodnight.”

Finish reading on AO3

[secretlythepits]

Legos, Teeth, Nightmares

I’m not taking care of myself. I’m not taking care of business. I have no time to waste but that’s all I’m doing. I’ve noticed my unhealthy coping behaviors creep up and now I’m worried. I’m using this post to help me— I don’t know— I need help.

I’ve been watching a lot of tv. This is what I do when I numb down. I’m rewatching This Is Us. So, themes. But also, catharsis.

I’m not eating consistent meals. I skip, forget, and I feel starving. Sometimes I stay starving and sometimes I make a poor choice. Or, i’ll make a good choice but then the rest of the meals are thrown off.

I’m not exercising or even walking. Part of this is due to my sprained ankle, though I think walking would be good at this point. Part of it is a heat wave making most of the day too hot so have a narrow window to make it happen. But the biggest thing is that I feel utterly paralyzed so I’m sitting on the sofa thinking about all that I need to do that I’m not doing and feeling ashamed and overwhelmed. It feels like I just CAN’T.

I need to complete important paperwork. I made good progress and just stopped. It still needs to be done.

I haven’t worked on my business since I came back. I need to get it up and running, but my mind is not in that head space. This is a needed income source.

I need to make a bunch of appointments for myself and the kids, but I haven’t because I don’t know what my husband’s doctors schedule will be. That’s stupid. I should just set them and adjust if necessary, but I CAN’T.

All I want to eat are carbs and sweets.

My body composition is changing rapidly due to perimenopause and these behaviors are making it worse. This greatly affects how I feel about myself.

I’ve been having so many sleep issues. Last night I had a dream where I was getting married in a couture LEGO dress, but as I was getting ready, all of my teeth fell out. I was naturally distressed and then I realized that I must have bone cancer. The dream lasted forever and I kept running around, looking for help, but nobody seemed to care enough to even try to help me. My husband was like, ok, you have to just deal with it. It’s still time to get married. I was freaking out and nobody could recognize the emergency. I felt so lost, panicked and alone.

The PET scan results will come in any day or maybe in a week. I am on edge. They will be the most telling. Biopsy is tomorrow.

I need support, but I don’t even know what to ask for. What can my friends do? I can’t talk to my husband about it because he is overwrought.

What I wish:

I want to remember to stay in my lane. Eyes on my life. Keep moving forward with my goals.

I really want to prioritize my own health and wellness. I want to lose weight and build strength. I want to feel inside of my body again. I like that feeling.

I want to renew my spiritual practices because they ground me, renew my energy, and bring me peace. (I’ve been avoiding them too.)

I want to make progress on my to do list so I have less to worry about.

I want unlimited amounts of good chocolate.

I want to sink into a good book, literary fiction that captivates me wholly.

I want to sleep through the night.

I want to know how to feel more supported while not having any of this touch my husband.

I want to be able to approach my day with a spark of go get em.

I don’t know how.

[nouies]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

thanks to @allwaswell16 for tagging me! i enjoyed reading your answers a lot! 1. List of works published this year:

ready for a war

Devoted

fuck around, find out

seven, seven

the embers are new

bet on it

Harmony

Cold Spring

two languages, one love

could start a cult

must be love

don’t let the fire die

2. Work you are most proud of (and why): i’m proud of all of them for different reasons, this is very hard to choose. i’m going to say Harmony bc it was the first time i made a collab with an artist.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why): not necessarily a work but i’m not proud that i couldn’t meet my writing goals set for this year (writing a fic longer than 20k words, finishing a wip i’ve had for three years).

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing: from fuck around, find out

“Everything looks lovely but please, call me Louis. What was your inspiration for the menu, Chef Styles?” Louis asks, beaming. Harry lets out a laugh, refocusing his gaze to the dining area. “I’ll call you Louis if you call me Harry, can we agree on that?” Once he gets a nod of confirmation, he continues. “When Oli mentioned you wanted to retribute to the people working for the movie, and that you wanted it to feel personal, it immediately made me think of the time I arrived in New York. I was a youngster, with no family in the city and only a promise of a job that I wasn’t sure I was talented enough to fulfill,” Harry tells, remembering the nerve-wracking feeling of accepting the sous chef position when he was so young and with not much expertise. “Uh, an old lady by the name of Vittoria welcomed me to her house. She was like a second mother to me, sharing with me not only her home but her culture as well. She came to the States with her parents when she was just a toddler but grew up surrounded by the Italian community. We used to have gatherings every weekend with all her family—and I mean all the family, children, grandchildren, neighbors…I learned a lot from her, from all of them. And I used that as an inspiration for today. You’ll see three courses of my version of some of the food I had the pleasure to share with Vittoria and her family. Just wait until you try the tiramisù…it’s to die for,” he ends with a sigh. When he looks back at Louis, he notices something on his face. Fondness, maybe?

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received: i love getting comments, and there are so many that i keep in my heart that it’s hard to choose. i love especially the ones under my rare pair fics bc it’s when ppl usually tell me that they don’t read rare pairs but they gave it a chance bc of me. it means more than words can express when someone trusts you like that.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard: when i was ill around july and i kept changing and changing my blff prompt. i was very close to drop out bc i thought i wouldn’t make it. fortunately i did and i finished my second fic on time.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: writing Pedro Pascal surprised me a lot lol like i’ve obviously read Louis/Pedro fics before but i had never entertained the idea of writing one myself and it was a nice surprise. also, writing Louis/OMC wasn’t on my plans either but i welcomed it.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year: i personally don’t see any growth.

9. How do you hope to grow next year: i just hope to finish the ideas that i have. i don’t expect for them to be masterpieces, i just need them to be finished.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): definitely my friends, the ones that read pairings or tropes they don’t like only bc it’s me writing them, the ones that hype my fics even if they don’t know if the story is good yet, the ones that offer their help and their advice to help me improve.

thank you to Anitra @allwaswell16 for being so supportive all this year, for betaing my works and offering your advice, and for encouraging me to keep going.

thank you to Emma @alltheselights who always reads my fics and leaves gorgeous comments under them, your support means a lot to me.

there’s three fics that wouldn’t exist without Mar @sunbellylou so thank you so much, my love, for being an inspiration to write the filthiest things.

thank you to Kenny @luviebaybie for being the most supportive even when life gets busier and busier. thanks for taking the time to beta for me, i appreciate it a lot!

thank you to Andy @outropeace for inspiring me to write abt Louis and the bodyguard, and for teaching me how to write a smau.

thank you to @linhuine, @smittenwithlouis, @nooradeservedbetter, @lemelous, @punkpillowprincess, @voulezloux, @disgruntledkittenface, @tokyolou, for your constant support and your friendship.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: fortunately nothing bc i write romantic stories, no sad stories 🤭

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: joining fic fests is not only an opportunity for you to shine, it’s a chance to build community so pls support works from the other authors in the fest, that’s what a fest is about.

also, hide your stats from ao3. there’s a lot of freedom in not knowing if your fic has hits and kudos or if it doesn’t.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: YES! i’m only working on two projects and i’m so excited abt them. the first one it’s a collab between me and @lemelous so expect a lot of gorgeous art, and the second one is a Louis/SebStan wip i couldn’t finish this year.

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)@voulezloux, @nooradeservedbetter, @disgruntledkittenface if you haven’t done this already.

*All answers should be about works published in 2023

[dapandapod]

Bring a friend home

Hello there! I honestly don't remember what the exact prompt was, but @firefly-party insisted on Jaskel something something Ikea, and thus, here we are! It was one of those eves I'm convinced I'm hilarious, lets see if you agree xD Please enjoy this silly madness!

On Ao3 here

See, there is thinking outside the box, and there is thinking outside the box. Then there is IKEA. Ikea is the kingdom of DIY and flat boxes. There is nothing you can’t do with a poor man’s budget and imagination, just ask youtube.

Which is why Jaskier finds himself getting lost by the couch section, and then again by the kitchen tables, and then there were the pretty lights and the cool shoe racks. HIs favorite was hot pink, in case anyone was wondering.

Oddly enough, Jaskier’s goal is the kid’s section.

He knows they are supposed to be at the end of the lap, and learned the hard way that short cuts really is just short for really-fucking-lost-where-was-that-blasted-map.

All he needs is the huge roll of drawing paper, and he means the HUGE one. It is heavy as shit, and well, maybe he should have brought something to carry it with, but that was future Jaskier’s problem, and now present Jaskier is cursing past Jaskier for getting distracted by the funky looking bed set.

It will be fine, probably, if he can make it to the downstairs area there should be those heavy duty baskets.

Jaskier is contemplating if he should buy the low budget pens as well, wondering if his niece and their Infinity Art Project will be worthy tools, when something catches his eye. There, by the exit, there are giant plushy baskets.

See, Jaskier is not a big fan of plushies, not really. They lack the warmth and the weight a person would have, but they are also much, much less dramatic than a person, probably.

And there, between the orangutan and the giant panda, there it is.

It is blue and white, and has just the one row of teeth, which his niece would have plenty of words about if she was with him.

It is soft and it’s silly and it’s silly and it's perfect, and Jaskier possibly said that out loud because there is one of those yellow striped shirts with the blue print turning around, and it takes him a moment to look up from that unfairly well shaped chest and into the face of a giant.

Which he also might have said out loud, if the twitch of the giant’s lips is anything to go by.

“Hej,” The man greets, of course he does, as if Jaskier speaks Ikea. “Anything I can do for you today?”

His name tag says Eskel, and it takes a WILD amount of willpower to not blurt out ‘How about me?’ and instead just stand there gaping for a moment, clutching his huge roll of paper.

“Your shark only has one set of teeth,” Jaskier says after one heartbeat too long, Eskel’s eyebrows lifting with the corner of his mouth.

“Well, I hear teeth make them harder to cuddle, and frankly, I myself find too many teeth a bit concerning. Tried to bring it up with the design team, but turns out I’m not very good at swedish,” the giant says, and Jaskier is feeling weak.

Actually yes, the paper roll is getting too heavy to hold the way he is, so he shifts, considering whether to either put it on the floor or between his knees, because that clearly is the right way to hold a giant huge fucking paper roll.

“Bitemarks are hot though,” Jaskier says before he can shove his entire fist in his mouth, which also would have been an unfortunate thing to do in front of this man. “I’ll just-” Jaskier says, turning on his heels to flee, only to walk almost straight into one of the display shelves.

He is saved by a big hand on his shoulder, and then not saved when Jaskier proceeds to drop the monster of a paper roll an inch from his toes.

The thud of the paper landing on the concrete floor makes Jaskier just close his eyes and accept his doom, because there is no way paper nor floor survived that.

“Ah, let me get that for you,” Eskel says, and when Jaskier opens his eyes again, the giant yellow striped man is kneeling in front of him, picking up the paper roll like it weighs nothing to him. It probably doesn’t.

Jaskier is wondering if Eskel would be able to pick him up as easily, and firmly shuts that down.

“Where to? Do you have a basket or a shopping cart?” he asks, and Jaskier is an embarrassed, shamed, blushing puddle on the floor.

“Ah, I was just… going to get that and get to the registers.”

Eskel nods sagely, and nods towards the shark plushies.

“Go give them a squeeze. You just might find a cuddly friend to bring home,” he says, and Jaskier…cannot.

Either this man is as dense as a brick and doesn’t realize what that sounds like, or he does.

Either way, Jaskier does walk over to the shark cage, the iron bars of the plushie basket holding an unholy amount of soft and silly and perfect bodies with staring eyes and too few teeth. BLÅHAJ, he reads, completely unable to pronounce it, but bewitched anyway.

He squeeze one, as instructed, and then the next. But the way the first one is looking at him, as if betrayed, Jaskier can’t help but to pick it up and hold it as he squeezes the others.

It is very nice to hold it actually, and Jaskier realizes he is indeed leaving here with a shark, and he is mentally preparing himself for the berating his niece will get him when they are introduced.

Finnigan. That is his name now. And he knows he will be berated even more when the niece finds the pun in there.

Turning around, Jaskier is surprised to see the employee is still watching him, and still holding that huge, now slightly dented paper roll for their Infinity Art Project.

“You are a good salesman, I’ll give you that,” Jaskier says, wagging his finger at Eskel.

“I’ll help you down the stairs with this, your hands look rather busy,” the giant says good naturedly. “If you don’t have more to pick up from here, that is,” He adds, stopping himself halfway to the stairs.

Lovely, simply lovely, and the way the scar stretches when he smiles, Jaskier squeezes poor Finnigan very hard to his chest. Good thing he isn’t a squeak toy, or this would have been very awkward.

“No, I’m done, thank you. But I can take it myself.”

“It’s alright,” Eskel waves him off with one hand, WITH ONE HAND, SIR!

It is simply unfair how some people just are like that, it is almost insulting how one person can be this kind and handsome and strong at the same time.

It is probably illegal somewhere, and Eskel will be put in handsome-jail if he ever goes there. Fuck, Jaskier needs a coffee and to shut his brain the fuck up.

They walk together down the stairs, but then Eskel just follows him and refuses to let the giant huge fucking paper roll down. Jaskier explains the Infinite Art Project and Eskel makes a contribution with a handful of those hand sized miniature pencils from one of the dispensers and winks as he tucks them into Jaskier’s bag. Well fuck.

Their time is up when Jaskier actually arrives by the registers and is forced to choose which line is the shortest and which one will offer him more time with this hunk of a human.

“When can we expect the art exhibition to begin? Any chance one can get an invite, considering how I am contributing?” Eskel asks, and oh boy, yeah, that man probably knows what he is doing.

Jaskier feels himself giving a crooked smile and pretends to consider it.

“For the meager price of One Cinnamon Bun, I might even let you in on the process itself,” Jaskier dares, heart racing and hands sweating. Poor Finnigan, they haven’t even left the store yet, and he is already on cuddle duty.

“A man should know his worth,” Eskel agrees with a nod. “You got yourself a bargain. Though I will add in a chosen beverage to go with it, in about fifteen minutes when my shift is over?”

Oh dear lord, Jaskier is going to combust on the spot.

They part ways, allowing Jaskier to dump his stuff in his shabby little car and to run into the bathrooms and check out his hair, only to meet up again by the Bistro outside the register area.

If Jaskier felt weak from seeing this man in yellow and blue stripes, it has nothing on him compared to Eskel in civilian clothes.

Eskel is enlightened about the arts of a 7 year old, and Jaskier brings home two cuddly friends from Ikea that day.

[the-missann]

I don't think I've shared this with anyone besides a friend I don't really talk to anymore; and while I feel extremely nervous sharing them, I'll think I'll ease that by expressing the fact that I'm not an artist. I have been self teaching myself how to draw for years, so if this looks kind of bad, that's why.

Anyways, I obviously like it enough to share, so I am very proud of my work regardless.

That aside, I wanted to detail this story before sharing everything I did for it (I guess this'll be a short series about everything I drew for it).

A Fourth Dimension Reality is a series of books I'm writing about two inter-dimensional kids trying to find out what dimension they're actually apart of. Along the way, they meet other people who are integral to their goal. Each of these characters will be introduced as I go along.

Now, as for the real world logic, I wrote this story after me and that friend were talking about how some shows that are suppose to be comedy/satire lost that along the way.

So, I was determined to make a story where that stays intact even in the finale. Essentially, this is a long shit post that needs to be stopped, but it's still going well into five books with a unfinished total of 100k and seven books officially planned.

Each book ranges from 23k-30k and no book is any longer... yet

So, anyways, here's the actual cover of the first book (I have two more made).

Later on though I ended up drawing something goofy where all the characters find a dimension that does space tours. That was my excuse as to why they don't have shoes (because you don't want to get the dimension dirty do you?)

But this is everyone and presents their personalities pretty well. I'll showcase them separately over the next few days.

For now, this is perfect showcase of this story:

“So this means no one can hear me scream!” Cassie used all of her breath in that howl. Larson groaned and went to hit her, but she moved out of the way and spun slowly in the air. “I can dodge you better out here.” She mocked.

With a growl, Larson said, “this isn’t some kind of joke. We need to do what Jax said.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever.” She dismissed his comment. “We’ll get there eventually, let’s just have a little fun!”

Larson just stared at Cassie as she continued to spin around happily.

He was brought back to reality when he felt his phone vibrate. “Oh, I forgot,” he answered it swiftly, “you can hear me right?”

Back on Earth, Jax could clearly hear them through the phone. “I’m surprised that it even works! I really didn't think it would.” He said with amazement present in his voice.

“Yeah, doubt me, why don’t you.” Jax laughed at Larson’s remark. “But I’ll try a video call now.”

“Alright.”

Larson was about to press the button when he saw Cassie still spinning around in front of him; he sighed and turned on the video call. Once it came up, he saw a smile grow to Jax’s face.

“So it does work, great.” Jax paused. “Cassie!” He called out.

“Yeah?” She said while turning to look in their direction.

“The video call works.” Jax announced.

“Okay!” She began to slow her spinning down.

Cassie took out her own phone and called Jax once more. She put it on the video call and stuffed the phone inside of her bag. She zipped it closed and turned to Larson.

“Okay, I can see him, so that means we’re good! I’m screen recording so you guys can do whatever you have to.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” Larson said.

Cassie huffed. “Stop being so mean. Anyways, we will Jax!” Cassie confirmed.

“Good luck you two!”

With their method of documentation set, they started putting their plan into action. Larson slowly moved over to Cassie.

“Stop acting like a kid and let’s get to work.” He snapped at her.

“You’re so boring. We’re in space dude! We can breathe without astronaut helmets, why not live a little, Lars?”

“Maybe on our next trip.” Larson went ahead and turned back once he was a small distance away from her.

From his jacket pocket, he pulled out the rope he brought. Needing to be as air resistant as possible, he couldn’t carry a bag with him, instead he just already tied the rope around himself and stuffed the other end into his jacket pocket. He pulled out the other end and threw it to Cassie for her to grab. Cassie caught it and was now being pulled by Larson.

Once she was in front of him, Cassie pulled him. Their motions created a way for them to move about in space with the most amount of ease. After a few minutes of their maneuvering, Cassie let out a sigh.

“See, this is all business,” Cassie said with a pout.

“Yeah, yeah. Looking like a bitch doesn’t help you.”

“At least you used the right word, but I wasn’t trying to give you puppy dog eyes.”

They remained pulling each other in a still silence. This was maintained until they could finally see Pluto. Cassie giggled as she stared at it.

“Oh it’s so cute!” She paused. “Do you really think anyone will be there?”

“I don’t know, but if we do find someone it would be better to stick together.”

“I wonder if it’s like a superman thing.” Cassie started to talk about something else. “Like we’re stronger because we were on Earth for so long.”

Larson scoffed. “If anything, being on earth made us weaker.”

“See, I don’t think like that,” Cassie began, “I really feel like we’re stronger because we’ve been exposed to different mindsets and then we’re going to learn this one. So by default, we’ll be smarter!”

“Always on the bright side huh?”

Cassie giggled.

Also, fun fact: I'm so bad at spelling I kept writing Dimension as Dimention and I still don't really know if I'm spelling it right😃

They kept pulling each other until they were caught into the gravitational pull of Pluto and were able to land...

Next post

[thoselethalarts]

𝓚𝓪𝔃𝓾𝓸 𝓖𝓾𝓮𝓻𝓻𝓮𝓻𝓸 - 𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵 𝓢𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂

(R) Gym Uniform: “I’m So Stupid…!”

(NRC: Sports Field)

Vargas: Alright, boys! I think that’s good enough for today. Vargas: I can tell you’re improving more than just your times. Hit the showers, and keep up the good work next week!

Phobos: Finally… Thought today would never end. (Yawn…)

Jack: You hardly did anything and you’re yawning.

Phobos: I did enough. I don’t need to be running around for a whole hour to improve my time. Phobos: I’m takin’ off and takin’ a nap. Later.

(Phobos grabs his bag and departs from the group)

Jack: Abrasive as always… He really doesn’t change. Jack: Hm…? Isn’t that Kazuo out there at the edge of the field?

Deuce: Huh? Oh, you’re right, that does look like him. Deuce: That’s weird, he didn’t show up to club, but he’s still out here practicing? Wonder if something happened.

Jack: Beats me. Maybe he was feeling sick or something and only just now made it out.

Deuce: I know I’d feel embarrassed if I could only show up to the tail end of club… I don’t really blame him. Deuce: Maybe we should go check up on him, just to make sure he’s feeling okay.

Jack: It’s not a bad idea to make sure our upperclassmen are doing alright. Lemmie grab my bag and then we can head over.

(Jack and Deuce pause to pick up their gym bags and then walk across the field to meet with Kazuo at the furthest edge)

Kazuo: 27… 28… 29… 30! Kazuo: Whew…! Alright, time for a break~

Deuce: Hey Kaz!

Kazuo: Hm? Oh hey, Jack and Deuce! What’re you troublemakers up to?

Deuce: We just saw you out here from across the field, wondering what you were up to was all. Deuce: Are you feeling okay? You look like you’re out of breath.

Kazuo: Oh, haha! Yeah, I’m alright. I’m just out of breath ‘cuz I’m between reps. Kazuo: Today’s my upper body day! So I was using this tree’s low-hanging branch to do some pull-ups. It’s surprisingly really sturdy. Kazuo: You guys wanna join me? I was gonna do another set of pull-ups and then some push-ups after.

Jack: Hm… I’ve still got some energy left in me. Why not?

Deuce: I’ll join, too! I wouldn’t mind seeing just how far I can push myself to my limits.

Kazuo: Sweet! There’s another couple trees over here with some low-hanging branches you guys can use too! Let’s go!

(Some time passes, and the trio pause their training to take another break. The afternoon sun slowly starts to pass into sunset upon the field.)

Jack: So… you said you like to come out here to train? What goal are you training for?

Kazuo: Oh, nothing specific. I just want to stay in good shape for my job is all.

Deuce: Oh! I didn’t know you had a job, Kaz! What do you do?

Kazuo: Eheh, well… it’ll probably sound kind of made up considering our environment, but… I’m a Ghostbuster!

Deuce: A Ghostbuster…? You mean, like the movie?

Kazuo: Yeah! Exactly like the movie! I know it probably sounds fake, but it’s true! Kazuo: People call me out to the scene when they’re experiencing paranormal activity, and then I hunt down and exorcise the ghost or ghosts causing it.

Deuce: That’s really cool, actually! Why would that be weird?

Kazuo: Eh, well, I mean I haven’t been doing a lot of my job here because all the ghosts at the school are friendly… most of them even employed here.

Jack: That’s true. You’d get in serious trouble if you tried exorcising one of the staff ghosts on campus. Jack: There’s plenty of ghosts that are hostile and dangerous elsewhere, but here on campus pretty much all of them are friendly.

Kazuo: Yeah, exactly. Truth be told, I’m not used to being around so many friendly spirits. Kazuo: Most of the time when I get called out to investigate a haunting, the spirit’s either hostile or just clinging too hard to reality. Kazuo: Either way, they can’t stay in the realm of the living. It’s my job to catch them and send them back to where they belong. Kazuo: I call myself a “Ghostbuster” on paper ‘cuz it sounds more friendly, but really I’m more like a Grim Reaper in practice. Any spirit trapped in reality is a target for me, even if it’s freshly departed.

Deuce: So, what do you need to do all this training for? I wouldn’t think a job like that would be very physically taxing.

Kazuo: Haha! You might not think so, but honestly it’s a lot more draining than it sounds. Kazuo: Depending on the spirit, they can be either really easy to placate or extremely dangerous. I won’t know which it is until I’m on the scene, either. Kazuo: In practice, fighting a spirit isn’t any different than fighting a normal, living human. The only difference is that humans can’t use magic to fight back and evade your attacks. Kazuo: You know my friends Marcus and Matt, right? They’re kind of in the same business as me, they just hunt things other than ghosts. Kazuo: Since we’re all in the same boat together, I’ve been trying to get them to do training with me. But…

(Kaz recaps a flashback to a point in the past)

Marcus: Haah… Hahh… Alright, time out. Time out, time out. I need… I need a break.

Kazuo: What, already?! C’mon, bro, we just got started!

Marcus: I dunno how you keep doing this every day, Kaz. You have way too much energy.

Kazuo: Hey, I don’t do this every day, just every other day! On the days I don’t have track and field, I’m out here training! Kazuo: And how do I have too much energy?! This is easy mode!

Marcus: “Easy mode”, yeah speak for yourself on that one. I’m not a sports guy like you are, this is more than enough for me. I need to catch my breath…

Kazuo: Aren’t we in the same business? How do you even manage to do your job when you can barely do this much?

Marcus: Honestly, I usually I have adrenaline to keep me going. Marcus: Also, I’m not usually doing sit-ups, push-ups, and burpees when I’m running around like my life depends on it…!

Kazuo: You’d probably have to rely less on adrenaline if you trained like I did. C’mon, it’ll get easier when you do it more often! Kazuo: How you doin’ with it, Matt?

Matt: Ah, you don’t gotta worry ‘bout me none, I’m jus’ peachy~

Marcus: You don’t have any right to talk, you don’t have “normal” stamina to begin with.

Kazuo: Well, how ya feeling now? We still got another set of squats and burpees to do!

Marcus: I think I’m gonna throw up.

Matt: He’s exagguratin’.

Marcus: I’m gonna throw up on you specifically. Ugh…

(The flashback ends)

Deuce: Haha! I’m not surprised to hear that Marcus isn’t the most athletic of people. He certainly doesn’t look it.

Kazuo: And yet his job isn’t any different than mine! Can you believe that?! Kazuo: That guy’s gonna have a heart attack before he turns 30 if he keeps pushing himself like he does. Kazuo: I’ve been trying to get him to train with me so we can all stay fit together, but usually he says no and it’s just me on my own out here. I’m glad you guys could join me today, it’s nice to have some company every once in a while.

Jack: Hey… don’t mind me for asking, but you said that days that you don’t have Track and Field you’re usually out here doing supplementary training, right? Jack: Why’d you miss our club meeting today, then?

Kazuo: …Wait, what?

Deuce: Come to think of it, I feel like you’ve been missing a lot of club meetings lately. Whenever Vargas does roll call, I feel like I rarely hear you answer your name.

Kazuo: W-Wait, did I get my meeting days mixed up��?! I thought it was every Monday and Wednesday we had club!

Jack: Nope. Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Kazuo: Damniiiiiiitttt…!! This whole time I thought I was just showing up early or club meetings got called off! Kazuo: God, I’m so stupid…! I’ve been doing all this training on my own for nothing!

Deuce: H-Hey, don’t take it too hard! It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve forgotten about something important and either showed up late or completely skipped on accident, either.

Kazuo: Yeah, but I hate that I’ve been tanking my attendance without even realizing…! That’s not gonna look good on my overall club standing…

Jack: Try not to beat yourself up too much about it. You’ve still been working hard, even if you haven’t got the marks to show it. Jack: Tell Vargas you’ve been doing solo training in your free time, and I’m sure he’ll forgive your absence. I’ll back you up on that, too.

Kazuo: Really…? You think so?

Deuce: Sure he will! I’ll be a witness for you, too, just to be sure.

Kazuo: Man… I’m still mad at myself for getting my dates mixed up like that, but I appreciate the help, guys.

Jack: Sure thing. Now you know, at least, so you can straighten up from here on out. Jack: We’re in the same dorm, so I can remind you before club starts to get ready if you need it.

Kazuo: Yeah, that’d be great. It’ll take me a minute to readjust my schedule for sure, I don’t wanna go on autopilot and forget again, after all. Kazuo: Speaking of time, it is getting pretty late now, huh? How ‘bout we stop by the Mystery Shop on the way back to the dorms and grab some snacks? Kazuo: It’ll be my treat, as thanks for helpin’ me figure this shitty situation out!

/ End

[misty1111]

I’ve decided to start a journey toward a clean and organized home and will be posting about it here on my Tumblr misty1111 and my YouTube channel Camilla Cushing.

After being very sick for over two weeks, my home is a mess.

Dirty dishes sit piled in the sink. Every surface is full of clutter. Unopened mail sits in piles on the kitchen counter. Dirty clothes litter my bedrooms floors. The largest mountains of laundry feel big enough to hike. A half unpacked suitcase and backpack and clean laundry lay sprawled out over one of my beds. The other bed is unmade. My jewelry is scattered throughout my home on various surfaces with a big pile covering my shoe organizer in my bedroom. My shoes crowd the coat and shoe stand by my front door. And maybe worse of all, the table that I create art on is covered with things that don’t belong there so I haven’t been able to paint in weeks.

I want a clean and organized home.

I feel so overwhelmed at all the work I’ll need to do to get my home to be clean and organized though.

If anyone would like to share any advice on how to tackle this, I’d love to hear it.

I’m challenging my instincts to feel ashamed and hide this because I reject that shame. I’m not ashamed of myself for the state of my home. I am a severely disabled person and I’m doing my best.

If anyone else can relate to having an overwhelmingly messy home, I see you, I love you, and it’s going to be okay. I’d also encourage you to reject the shame that society puts on people with messy homes. I love rejecting shame and do it all the time. You can reject shame too. Just in case you didn’t know.

I want a clean and organized home for the well-being of my physical, emotional, and mental health because I know that I feel better in a clean and organized home. And I deserve a clean and organized home.

I just don’t have one currently.

I’m going to focus on taking small and consistent steps toward getting my home to the place that I want it to be. My goal is to put one thing away a day. Once I start, I frequently find myself able and willing to do more and if I want to, I will and that’s great. But I can also stop at one. Small steps.

Plus, setting a realistic goal and then completing it daily releases feel good chemicals in the brain and builds self-trust.

And I’m going to exercise a lot of patience, self-acceptance, and self-compassion throughout this process.

I’ll keep you all posted on my journey to a clean and organized home.

Here we go. ✨

[kithtaehyung]

So, I started university right before the pandemic hit, and demolished all my (barely existent) plans. I'm already almost 23 and more than halfway through a major I picked kind of on a whim based on what I thought I was good at, and tbh I still hate it. And I have no idea what career it would even lead to. I want to get more into music production or maybe even being an artist or something like that, but it's overwhelming and difficult at the same time... I think I love music, I love listening to it, and growing up I loved the energy of performing in bands and choirs and stuff more than anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at it, and I'm not a computer or instrument expert either... I feel so lacking in pretty much all of the various talents/skills... I know practice makes better, but it's so hard to persist when you feel so far behind, and it's hard not to feel discouraged completely when there's always someone newer, younger, and already so much better...

Babe, you are 22. You have.. SO much life ahead of you.

I know that doesn’t seem like anything to go off of right now, but I cannot express enough how excited I am for you because 22 is a wonderful age to start things. You have time to mess up, time to figure things out, time to really try a bunch of shit and get a grasp on what direction you wanna go for.

Don’t let society or other people tell you you’re too old to start something or too late to try something else. Who cares if there are people younger and better than you at something? Who cares if you don’t have a skill set right now? That’s gonna happen. As soon as you recognize that as a fact instead of a barrier for you to overcome, your mindset is gonna shift to “okay, what can i personally do to improve and get better? what do i myself need to do to get where i wanna be?”

Honestly.. this ask feels like something younger me is writing. Because I compared myself to countless people when I was in my early twenties and lmfaoooooo you know what? That dark place of “thinking I wasn’t gonna do great so why try” has only left me with regrets. You have a choice to make and if you really want what you want, go for it and don’t stop.

If I had actually took music production seriously and kept making shitty beats on FL Studio in my dorm room and didn’t give a shit about people telling me it’s not worth it to pursue? Who knows, I could’ve had a studio by now. I could’ve been on the Big Hit production team. I could’ve been working with Metro Boomin or any world-class producers.

Do those goals seem hilarious? Yes. But they also probably could’ve come true if I worked hard enough. But I’ll never know. Because I didn’t keep going when I did. Because I hit that wall of seeing how much I didn’t know about music and production and everything that goes into it, and I got discouraged and dropped it to focus on other things that were safer, more likely to keep me afloat. Don’t be like me if this is something you really do want.

We can do this together, really. Because I’m going for shit now too because that passion itself hasn’t gone away. I am asking people for advice when I need it. I’m networking with musicians and producers and mixing engineers and managers. I’m figuring out what I need to do and where I need to look for educational pieces and putting in the work that I was too discouraged to put in before. All while trying to tell myself it’s okay that I’m where I am at 30. Do this with me. It’s only gonna help you.

Bottom line: if you wanna do something, do it. So what if people are better than you? So what if you don’t have the skills or knowledge right now? Stay disciplined and do the work. Don’t half ass it and don’t think it’s gonna be something you do on the side. Treat it like it’s your life, and practice the hell out of whatever it is. If you end up thinking “this isn’t what I want,” then at least you know for sure and you can pick something else up. But if you keep that passion, hard work and effort will bring you great things.

And you’re gonna look back at this ten years from now and laugh because you’ll realize 22 isn’t far into life at all.

[tdcloud]

Happy New Year, everyone! 

2024 is here and I, for one, am dead set on making this a good year. After the slog of 2023, I think we can all agree that we’re overdue for even an ounce of a break—or just some levity given 2023 forced me to take a break for the sake of my sanity. A lot has happened. A lot I wanted to have happen just… didn’t. Let’s talk a bit about it while I’ve got a moment in between festivities and go over the past year and what to look forward to in the next.

2023 is going down in my ledger as the Year of Burnout. As depressing as that sounds, as reductive as it makes it all be, it really is what lives strongest in my mind when I think about the past 365 days. As we all know, I’m very hard on myself. It’s why this year became Burnout Year. Every success I accomplish fades in my mind as I consider it against this… failure, I suppose, isn’t the proper word for it. People will get mad at me if I call “having burnout” a “failure”. But in my brain, that’s what it is. I had goals and I failed to reach them because my brain refused to keep to the abusive pace I’ve kept for almost a decade. 

It’s going to take a lot of effort in 2024 to rewrite this reading of the situation. To some extent, I’m sure I’m going to be working at rewiring this mentality for quite awhile longer besides. But I have gotten things done. There have been successes, just not the sort I wrote in my schedule book at the start of 2023. I published once this year, not twice. I completed only a couple novellas, not the five I had wanted. There were multiple novel rewrites I wanted done this year. Only a few got done. Some, as it turned out, may require another rewrite entirely—my brain wasn’t working well this year, and what I managed to force out wasn’t good enough to fix what needed to be fixed.

Let’s take a minute to translate the above paragraph from its negative, downplayed bend into something most people would read it as instead: I published Ossuary, a novella so well received it saw my follower count skyrocket alongside my sales, making it one of the strongest breakaway successes of my career. I managed to write to completion three new novellas on Patreon, thus giving me enough of a editable backlog that I won’t need to write any new content for publication for at least a year or more—I’ll be able to take a very, very much needed break thanks to that, all without the pressure to create new work to publish. At long, long, long last, I finally finished the first draft of Hiraeth, the final novel in my very first series and a book I’ve been struggling to complete for about five years now. I rewrote half of Aubade, another old ass novel I’ve wanted to rework for years now. It’ll need a lot more work, but it’s now in a state that can be worked off of, not the mess I’d originally made of it back in 2016.

Even typing all of that, I’m at war with myself. It’s just… really hard to justify to myself what “success” versus “failure” is. Most people wouldn’t have been able to do even one of these things. Most writers would be lucky to have written one novella in a year, let alone the several I managed on top of the novel rewrites. I always say my resolution for each new year that passes is to feel pride in my accomplishments for once. I still haven’t figured out how to do that. Maybe this year will be the year for it. I don’t know. All I can do is try, and writing it all out helps, even if only a little.

I’m hopeful for other things for 2024, though. Things beyond my productivity and all the various things I want to produce or publish. 2023 has been… one of the hardest years of my life, to be honest. I don’t talk a ton about my personal life, but it’s been—difficult. This year, especially the last couple of months, hasn’t been easy. The political and world events aside, a lot of my friends have struggled, my family has struggled, and work has challenged me in ways that made it so difficult to come home and even think of writing that all I could do was lay down, put on a youtube video, and vegetate until the noise in my brain went silent long enough to let me sleep. 

The stress surrounding recognizing my burnout and admitting to it publicly nearly ate me alive. Stripping my Patreon of rewards related to consistent output… There were several times this year where I stared up at the dark ceiling above my bed and wondered if I really should continue writing. They say never trust anything you think about your life after nine pm. The number of times I had to remind myself of that… It was just a lot. 

But I’m hopeful. Against everything else, in spite of everything else, I’m hopeful for 2024. I’ve gone grayer than ever before, but the work I put in to reach even keel has resulted in a much more solid foundation for this new year. I no longer need to stress every month to meet my quota. The friends I worried so much about are safe, far closer than before, and thriving. My family has come together in ways we just… never did previously, and that’s something remarkable, and while work is still something I do to pay the bills, it’s coming together to actually offer me the sort of compensation that will help me achieve goals I could only dream of.

This is all very personal and lowkey sad, but it does feel good to get it out. I want to thank you all for reading these blog posts, commenting when you’re able, and just offering up kindness and attention to the efforts I’ve put in over the year. As I’ve said before, I’ve never been good at speaking to a dark auditorium and trusting that someone was listening even through the silence. The support I’ve been given means the world, and every kind word that’s been left in a comment, a review, a QRT, a reply, or just something said to me in person at a convention has gone so far in buoying my spirits when they were at their lowest. 

So, here’s to 2024. Here’s to taking it slow, taking it easy, and above all else, being kind to ourselves as we do what we can and nothing more than that. I hope you all find the space to give yourself grace in ways I’m still learning how to do, and that you’re excited for what’s yet to come—because I do have plans, just not with hard deadlines for once. 

As always, until next time.

T.D. Cloud

[lookatlavender]

Denial Challenge Update (17 Days, 11 Hours Left) Pt. 1

Yesterday I was super busy again so I didn’t get to start playing until way later in the night. i was kinda sleepy but horny enough that i still really wanted to fuck myself though, so after i put dinner away i set up a warm bath and all of my toys, one of which was suctioned to the wall.

Based on the rule from 💫, i had to hold my toy inside my mouth for as long as I wanted to be allowed to fuck myself. i was originally planning for like 15-20 minutes and thought that would be a struggle, and at first it was. for the first few minutes i gagged a lot and kept having to stop the timer, but once i settled into it and relaxed i was able to stay with my mouth all the way around the toy for multiple minutes at a time.

at some point my eyes drifted shut and i started fantasizing, imaging myself tucked under a dom’s desk with their cock or strap in my mouth. i started teasing the toy with my mouth instead of just holding it there, trying out all the ways i would pleasure them and tease them with my mouth while they tried to focus. i love the idea of distracting someone, teasing my mouth along their cock and pulling them away from their work until they have to pull my mouth off of them, maybe give me a light slap, and warn me to behave myself so they can get their work done.

eventually i was lost in it enough that i forgot to even turn the timer back on, and i was basically just…making out with the dildo where it was stuck to the wall. i kissed and sucked all over the tip, teasing it in and out of my lips and then doing the same down the length of the toy, until i was kissing and sucking around the balls and the base of the shaft

i remembered i had a goal after…some amount of time, and i went back to properly cockwarming the toy and timing myself. eventually i got up to 25 minutes (because i kinda didn’t want to stop), so I moved on to getting my pussy ready to fuck. i didn’t want to use lube so i just used spit to slick myself and the toys up, and then started fucking my boypussy. i started with a longer skinny toy, and then worked up through one more until I finally got to the toy I was there for. It’s a decently sized one with a big swell right under the head, and a curve at the same spot. the head is textured too, and there’s a cute little bow right around the base of the shaft 🤭 (it’s silicone, part of the sculpt :) ) it’s one of my favorite dildos, never fails to make me whine and moan, and cum over and over. Well, normally it does 😈

I did most of my edges with the biggest toy, while using my fingers on my tdick. at first i was fucking myself fast, which felt so good but kept building up too fast and making me squeeze so hard I pushed the toy out and lost my rhythm (this is a common problem for me lol) for the last 2 edges though i slowed down, and on the last i didn’t even touch my clit, just did slow, steady, deliberate thrusts deep into my pussy. i didn’t know if i would like it at first but it ended up driving me so crazy, i had to actively try not to be too loud and wake up my roommates 😵‍💫🤭

the last time i edged yesterday was the first time that I almost came from only penetration. I’ve always had to play with my clit before, honestly i thought i wasn’t able to cum from just penetration. but at least while i’m edged out and desperately horny, turns out i very much could cum just from being fucked 😩😩

that being said though, i managed to be good through all 6 edges and i didn’t ruin, even once 🥺🥺🥺 i was so proud of myself that I didn’t, i thought for sure there was going to be no way I could get through all of them without going over the edge 🙈😇

i’m definitely getting better at edging, and knowing when i have to pull back. when i feel like i’m going to tip over I’ve been repeating “good boys don’t cum” in my head, and it always helps me focus myself and keep control. and it’s also really fucking hot 😵‍💫

I recorded my last edge too, i’ll post the audio of it in another post so this one isn’t confusing 🤭

~

today my 3 edges were boring in comparison, i used my fingers on my clit for the first two. the last one I didn’t actually touch my pussy technically, i was watching porn in my bed and playing with my nipples and that got me worked up enough that I almost came with my thighs clenched together, but i spread my legs and told myself i was good and not to cum, and i was able to hold the edge 🥺

[permanentconundrum]

10/04/23

I’ve decided I want to get faster at writing so I am going to blog a few days and try to make a practice of it. I worked on my writer resume tonight. It’s already 9pm. I am kind of tired. Listening to old school indie music. Still no job yet, since August 2022. It might be weird to go back to work. I’ll need to make sure I can wake up early. Read a little philosophy this afternoon. I should check the news in the NYT. I haven’t been paying close attention recently. I talked to a recruiter about a few jobs but they don’t pay great. In the first half of 2022 I started looking at work because I wanted to take the next step. Now I’m taking a step back perhaps. That’s what happens when you don’t work for over a year. I have had time for poetry though. That’s been good. I hope to finish some poems. Read some sad poems in the October issue of Poetry Magazine, but I think poetry is a great place for difficult topics. Reminds me to pray for others, and know someone somewhere is having a difficult time. You aren’t alone in this. I think it’s important to remember those who are suffering. You aren’t alone in this. I kind of want to look at art more. I want to read more too. I read some last night, the October issue of Poetry. The Decemberists are on the radio. I’m thinking about how to manage myself so that I don’t run myself out of energy. Sometimes you need to not use all your energy in one activity so you can focus elsewhere as well. I have a running goal to lose weight by the end of 2023. Send positive vibes. I want to look more like a runner. I pass quite a few runners in town driving around. Running is a big goal. Poetry is too, but I need to find a job so I can pay bills. I’m watching my diet again. I didn’t watch it last week really. It’s rough. I have trouble getting to the gym 7 day/wk. But maybe I just need to build the habit. It is incredibly important to my health. Where do I want my life to go? I want to be a senior engineer. Or I want enough money to buy a car and go to NYC every year. I want to pay off school debt. Yeah, the job is the money, but it can be fun or at least important. It is work. Somehow I want energy to write too. And read. So more writing and reading and less TV. I want to read more too. Having a job will take energy, but I don’t need to commit myself to 10hour days every day. I hope to get interviews for the jobs I applied to today. I also should apply to more. Maybe tomorrow I won’t sleep through the afternoon and be able to work on more submissions. I could stay up later tonight because I haven’t been able to fall asleep very well. I am watching my energy and mood and healthy habits this month. October has been difficult in the past. I don’t know if it’s from burn out at work or just an affect of the season. I have been pretty happy in Spring and Summer this year. I think I don’t like the sun setting soon. Maybe I will take a drive tomorrow and look at leaves. This blog is all over the place but it’s fine. I wish I didn’t have to be so careful about with things like mood and energy. I do need more daily focus on diet and exercise. I’m hoping to get to the gym 5 days this week. Both today and yesterday were good runs. Tomorrow I’m going for a speed work out. Twins won their wildcard game to progress in the playoffs. Watching the news now. But the gym is very important to me. I need to keep the habit building weekly and daily. I am excited about making progress with running. Longer durations and more mileage and hopefully higher speed. I will stretch tonight. I’ve been feeling sore today. I used a couple weight machines in addition to my treadmill workout. Not all the machines, I was not feeling the weights today. I have a few goals longer term, but I should think about shorter term goals. I did hit a distance target about a week ago. Maybe I should try to tack on half a mile to that distance. I need to think about what to do for easy run. I guess easy should just be easy, and push on the hard efforts, like speed work and long runs.

[findingmypeace]

I don’t think I’ll be able to write a whole post. I may or may not have my phone for long. This has been one of the hardest treatment stays ever. I’ve been at CFD since Monday. But I’m currently in the ER. CFD sent me here for fluids. I’m still dealing with all of the physical symptoms I was before I came and it’s been explained to me that it’s all related to dehydration. They had me on couch rest and even had someone escorting me everywhere because I’m cfall risk. I’ve been trying so hard to keep up with the amount of fluids they want me to drink but it hasn’t been enough.

When I say this has been my hardest treatment stay ever there’s only been a 2-3 meals snacks since I was admitted where I haven’t had a full blown panic attack. I’ve been so scared of all food and water. I guess after lunch today it wasn’t a panic attack. It was more that I was so angry with myself for struggling SO much. Shouldn’t this be easier? I’ve been to treatment so many times. I know what I need to do. Why can’t I do it? Wtf is so scary about actual water!!! I feel like that’s ridiculous.

Yesterday I met with the medical doctor and she laid out what I need to do to stay out of the hospital. Drink 3 cups of water + 1 cup of Gatorade, eat at least 50% of my meal plan, and no purging.

TW: I thought of putting this under a cut but instead I’ll try to be vague and give a warning that there will be talk of behaviors. Please skip to the end of this post if that’s triggering for you.

So the goals were laid out for me. I tried so hard to meet them. By afternoon snack I had done 50% of breakfast, AM snack, and lunch. I needed only 10oz more to meet my fluid goal and I had fought purging urges so, so hard. Of course I still have to be supplemented every time I don’t complete a meal at 100%. But I really was doing so much better than previous days.

Afternoon snack is what tripped me up. The actual snack was fine and I did the 50%. I needed to. I enjoyed good conversation and I wasn’t already in the middle of a panic attack by the end of snack. I still got supplemented of course. That was the problem. I appreciate that CFD does supplements different than the last place I was at as it’s based more on making up for the nutrients you did not consume rather than, less than 50% meal completion is two Ensure Plus’s and 50% or more is one Ensure Plus. While I appreciate that CFD does it differently the logistics of the set up aren’t that great. I sit at the table by myself, with everyone in the kitchen, and only an open doorway for them to monitor me. They’re all walking around cleaning up the kitchen after a meal snack. The temptation to purge is at 1000%. It’s an epic battle to not purge when I’m sitting there. I know that even just a little would help lessen the anxiety of the food and fluids. The temptation got the better of me after afternoon snack and I purged. I knew that I shouldn’t. The intense fear of the food and fluids combined with maybe getting some relief from the anxiety just became too much. But it wasn’t actually instant relief. There really wasn’t a way of hiding what I had done so within a half hour I was in a room with my dietitian, the nurse, and the executive director and I was told I would be going to the hospital. At first I freaked out. I thought that meant I would be in the hospital for at least a few day. I, once again, started panicking. A little while later I found out that they meant I would just be going to the ER to get some fluids and coming back. I am so grateful they are allowing me to come back. But they did call an ambulance to pick me up. Thankfully, it wasn’t that they thought I needed ambulance but all available staff were required to be at CFD so there was no one else to take me. As I’ve been writing this the IV bag is now done. I am terrified of that much fluid and at the same time it’s actually easier to deal with it that way (through IV fluids). I hope with the IV bag finished I can go back to CFD. And yet I am terrified for what is to come when I go back. Once again facing fluids and food and panic attacks and talking about everything I stuffed down. So many times I want to bolt. I want to throw my plate or cup as far as I can and then runaway. It’s a constant. But I’m trying so hard and everyone in that room when they told me I was going to the hospital also said that they can see how hard I’m working. It’s just so, so hard, and terrifying. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in my entire life.

Anyway, I miss everyone on here. I haven’t had a chance to catch up on everyone but I would love to hear how everyone is doing.💕

[tomthebassoon]

Growing up with ADHD is like Oohoo! I’m so hyper! Oh no, my room is messy :( I have colored every brick on this side of the house with chalk. I forgot to do my homework. Of course I’m smart, I read when I’m bored and I’m bored all the time. The other kids make fun of me because I’m weird, but I can’t tell. I have one friend (they are autistic) (they don’t talk much. I talk too much). I wonder what would happen if I kicked my brother (he kicks me back). What did you say? I was off in lala land again. yeah, hahaha I’m so quirky. I have chopped this shirt into little pieces because it is a Bad Texture. 

Living as an adult with ADHD is like I have been in the bathroom for 3 hours and still have not washed my hair. How do people have relationships? They talk to each other normally every day? Why do none of my clothes fit? (I can’t set regular habits to keep my weight consistent.) My room is actually disgusting. Why is there mold in my lunch box? (I hardly ever have time to pack lunch and forget to clean it out when I do) I need medication. How do I get medication? There’s so many steps. I’m so tired. Why did I cut my hair instead of sleeping or finding a psychiatrist or doing my laundry or exercising or writing and sending that one email I really need to send before the deadline which is approaching quickly or pursuing my actual life goals? What are my life goals. Hey, this show is pretty good. Maybe I’ll just eat some ice cream and watch this show.

Why is it 9am. There was an assignment I was supposed to do yesterday. Why are my clothes so tight. The air feels bad on my skin. My cheeks feel funny. I’m so itchy. My head is buzzing. Does that mean I’m sleepy or awake? Maybe I should take a nap just in case. I’m such a loser. I’m literally the worst. If I just got my life together, I wouldn’t be so miserable and people would like me. I hate myself so much. I’ve dug myself into a hole and I could get out if I were good enough. Maybe I’ll just play this mobile game for a little. And eat some instant noodles.

Why is it 5pm.

[unofficial-sean]

Life kinda, like, passes you by so quickly. Once moment a college student is popping your cherry--you can’t really feel your body, it’ll ass tingly and light headed--and now you’re approaching your mid-twenties and the gravity of everything sets in; the finite nature of life, the warped film of time and memories, and latent nature of firsts.

When I was 17, I dreamed of where I’d be now, but where I am is so far off the mark. I can’t even bottom, i don’t have a place of my own, my career is fragmented, and worse of all, I’m so alone in this struggle.Not only did I fail to achieve my goals, I’ve become a different person; alien to who I was when all I could thin about was getting railed and moving out of my small hometown.

Not that those were good admirations, but I’ve just completely lost sight of who I wanted to be. I’m so lost and there’s no guidance. As loathe as I was to accepting it, I had so many resources in high school. There were people there willing to help if i just had the wisdom to accept it. But now here I am.

in three months, I’ll be 24. Another year passed and I have still not achieved my goals. They’re not even possible, now. And that should be fine, but part of me still wants that. Part of me still wants to get railed and have people over and live a more risky life. But all I can do now is top at best. Maybe I work some job. Gets me enough to survive and pay for my ROV research on the weekends. That’s all I have left.

I recognized that working for the Army was soul sucking,and so I’ve got multiple interviews in the private sectors for electronics work. But I jsut know it won’t give me purpose.

Everyone says “be yourself and you’ll find your people.’ But when I do that, I’m always alone. If I go out to the ocean with my ROV, who will saunter on up and take interest? How to I meet my people when all I do is solitary? I fantasize that someone asks what I’m doing, and I explain that I’m observing sharks, and they get interested, and I show them how to use the ROV controller, and l et them explore and focus on the marine life that catches their eye, and we form a friendship. But in reality, everyone on the shore is focused on their own things.

There is no guide anymore. There are no resources. I can’t figure out which side of me people like, and I can’t even get brief sexual gratification anymore.It seems whoever I am, personally, professionally, romantically, and sexually, is so undesirable. Even though I’m being myself. I fell so stuck.

I can’t stop crying. The life i wanted was robbed from me,and the best i can do with my circumstance is not good enough. I don’t have the personality of a dominant top. I’m a subby bottom that can’t bottom. I like myself shaved and lithe but toned. And that’ fine for a bottom, but not for a top. I can’t fit any space. I’m just this malformed creature,

N one wants to talk with me. N one matches my passion. I don't’ even care if it’s unrelated to my interests. I can spill about all there is to know about sharks, and I’ll never meet someone with that same spark for anything. Am I overwhelming? Am I dry? None of this shit gets spilled when I talk to people; it should come up when I  talk to my therapist, but my therapist is only available for one hour every two weeks. She’s never there when I need her most.

It’s not your responsibility to comfort me. My therapist would likely just tell me to focus on myself or whatever. I’ve been doing that. All the advice there is to give, I’ve heard.

I don’t think I’m inadequate. Inherently, I like myself. If I could clone myself, we’d get alone. But I really struggle to understand why other people don’t seems to like me. Whether it’s at a glace, after an interaction, or after months of friendship. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I never get an answer.,. I get ghosted. I get left to pick up the pieces and form my own conclusions. All that’s ever done is force me to be harsh to myself; to self criticize; to pick myself apart before I can put myself back together.

I’m not perfect. I struggle to understand socialization. I can’t tell wish face people want to see. I’m too afraid to make compliments or advances because I can’t tell if what I’m saying is charming or harassment. When I keep to myself, no one gets in. When I push too far, I’m reprimanded. I long for a space where the words I say are not taken with such dire nature.

I want to be soft. I wanted to be feminine and womanly. And maybe i still can. But how many people really, truly want a feminine person to top them? How many people want to truly put  up with infodumping and the sensitivities of an autistic person? What can I even do to form connections when my messages are never read?

There is no guide. No help. I could have died today, and I’d have died without ever knowing a woman’s touch. Without ever feeling that delicacy. I’ve had men, sure, but that I’ve never felt; not intimately. I could have left this world without ever having touched a shark. Or left being a research paper. The only person who’d really miss me is my dad, And he doesn’t really know who I am.

I make my intent known and I wait. but how much waiting must i do before I recognize the reality and let it go? I am who I am. And I’m going to sleep.