#perhaps tmi but I’ve been very depressed lately again

[skidzobrainia]

Been trying to groove back into art again

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #237

just a warning beforehand this survey has some probably tmi stuff.

Which is better: good 'ole southern food or sea food? Despite coming from and still living in, I legitimately enjoy almost NO southern food. Absolute garbage. I don't enjoy much sea food either though, save for shrimp, so I guess that. Have you ever had a very strong spiritual experience? I dunno. What do you think you want to major in at college? I'm an Art & Design major right now. Minor in? English is my minor currently. What song do you have on repeat lately? Quite a lot, actually. What’s something important you could be doing now? I could be working on finishing the draft to my Writing paper and this week's Art History chapter, but... yeah. I procrastinate all to hell, but I "justify" it with me having SO much extra time in the library while Mom takes her classes that I have a great deal of time to just do everything in there. How do you feel about Circuit City going out of business? I have zero clue what that is. About how often do you go on cleaning sprees? LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL what're those? What’s the best story you’ve gone over in an English class? The Outsiders. Is your house haunted? Don't think so. What kind of tissues do you prefer? At least thicker as a single sheet of wet paper and soft. But ultimately it's nota a big deal. What face wash do you use? I prefer the Biore charcoal scrub, but I've been out of that for like... ever, and it's pricey, so we haven't bought any more. So now I use this peach scrub stuff Mom gets. I don't like it much because it's kinda abrasive, so probably bad for my skin, but it at least makes it feel cleaner. Do you reject Satan? I don't even know if a head demonic entity exists. Got no opinion on him. Are you violent? Far from it. Do you use google search or yahoo? Google. Was your step mother terrible? Her political views are fucking trash, but she herself is a wonderful person. Do you know anyone who doesn’t care about anything but themselves? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Are you single? If no who are you dating and for how long? I'm single for now. I don't believe prayer or "good vibes" have any power, but nevertheless, I almost DO pray Sara and I will come back together once she figures herself out and one of us is brave enough to move. Do you enjoy going for walks? Nowadays, no, but only because I'm still recovering from muscle atrophy in my legs, so it hurts quiiite a bit. But in a way, yes, I do enjoy walking as I know it's good for my legs, but it's still painful - but improving immensely. Before it started to get real bad, I fucking loved going on walks down the path by Sara's. When it wasn't cOLD AND WINDY AS A MOTHERFUCKER What are your favorite accessories? Do piercings count? If yes, totally those. And spiked chokers are fucking hot. I'll wear mine again someday, just fkn watch me. Do you wear makeup on a regular basics? Not at all. I am asking for *genuinely* black eye shadow and also quality black lipstick for Christmas, though, for when I do wear makeup. Ours suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. When was the last time you really established your favorite TV show? Oh, idk. It's been years. Write one lyric that really explains the way your life is going as of now? HAHA I'm actually listening to NSP's "Danny Don't You Know" right now and if "you're just going through an awkward phase from 12 to 29" aIN'T ME- Do you ever have any fantasies that involve certain celebrities? Who? Yes. Take an. idk. Wild guess. You can read like one or two of my surveys and already be absolutely sure lmao What is your favorite brand of shoe? Where can you buy these shoes? Converse, and... multiple places?? Does anyone ever judge you for something you naturally cannot help? Oh, I'm sure. Do you support homosexuality in general? Why do you or why don't you? Of fucking course I do. It's natural, and especially after realizing I was bi and experiencing a genuinely loving female-female relationship, I've only grown more ferocious in standing for gay rights. Fuckin try to tell me I can't love her without some sky demon firing me into Hell for it. I'll bring sunscreen. If you had your own personal dance crew, what would you name it and why? I dunno??? Has anyone ever called you an exact replica of one of your parents? Agree? No. Have you ever claimed to be in love when you knew you really weren’t? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I don't joke around with that shit. If you had the chance to meet an annoying celebrity, would you still do it? No?????? Why would I want that??????????? Do you ever lie in the grass during summer or are you afraid of ticks? 1.) That sounds boring and too hot and 2.) I'm fucking terrified of all parasites, so ticks are zero exception. Does it bother you when you see slutty girls getting all the cute guys? *chaotic eye twitching* In winter, would you rather wear jacket or hoodies? Why is this? HOODIES! Mega cozy. Would you consider yourself a good singer or are you tone deaf? Depends on the song, but generally, I don't think I'm real good. My voice isn't stable. Do you think regrets are better left unspoken or should they be out loud? Y'know, a real good question for once. I think maybe... it depends, I guess? Some things are just better unsaid, sometimes vice-versa. I suppose it depends on who you're telling, too. What color is your remote? Does it have any special/interesting features? Uh I know it's black, but that's it. I never use the TV. Name a time when you cried the most: The night of the breakup when Mom drove out to get me (I was walking to his house to talk bc she wouldn't take me), and she had to physically hold me down when we got in the house because I dashed and she knew I was about to do something stupid. I just fucking collapsed. That night is so blurry, but I'll never forget the crying. Fucking NOBODY deserves to go through that goddamn night. What color is your keyboard? It's black, though the keys are rimmed with red light. Have you ever thought about suicide? Too many times. Please please please please seek help if you have even a moment's consideration about it. How do you feel about Obama? I don't know much about him politically, but he was funny as fuck, I do know that. Seems like a chill dude. What was the last lie you told? I dunno, something little. Name 3 things in your purse (or wallet): My Harley Quinn wallet, hand sanitizer, aaaaand my keys. What time does your favorite TV show come on? *shrug* Where is the scariest place you’ve ever been? I haven't been to many seriously "scary" places, honestly... so idk, really. Do you like string cheese? NO. What color was the coolest insect you’ve seen? No clue. Probably some butterfly or moth. Do you own any pink clothing? ... How do I not know this. How do you usually style your hair? It's directed to the right with no part through it and swoops over/close to my right eye. Do you use anything to whiten your teeth? I'm also asking for whitening strips for Christmas. .-. Ah, how gift desires change as you grow. I took awful care of my teeth during the worst of my depression, so yeah, I need them. I'm honestly stunned they're in a decent condition now. Have you ever collaborated with anyone on a project (not for school)? Hmm, don't believe so. What is (going to be) your career? I refuse to drop my career aspiration of a photographer. Not giving up on that no matter what. What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? Crocodiles' teeth protrude both upwards and downwards over their lips while alligators' only show downwards; crocs have a more tapering snout, alligators' are more rounded; and crocs are generally bigger. I didn't obsessively watch Animal Planet for nothing, y'all. :^) Were you breastfed as a baby? Yeah. That woman had five goddamn kids with no epidural or anything. She ain't afraid of no pain, and she's also like, MEGA into child health, safety, etc., and while formula-feeding is completely fine and valid, it's factual breast milk is a lot healthier for babies. What does your favorite shirt look like? Man, that's hard to pick. My most comfortable and well-fitting one is a Metallica "King Nothing"-inspired design, which is black and just has some gnarly skull designs 'n shit on it. HA HA WAIT, found it! This is it. Just a few days ago though, my mom's coworker went to the NSP 10th anniversary show in Chicago AND SHE GOT ME A FUCKING SHIRT BC SHE KNOWS I LOVE THEM AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH I SQUEALED SO LOUD AND SMILED MY FACE IN HALF. What is the cutest breed of puppy in your opinion? Do not EVEN with this, omfg I couldn't even try. What is the cutest baby animal in general? Have you, like, SEEN baby meerkats????????????? They're not the cutest for the first, like, two weeks (BUT still cute!!), but once they're outside the burrow? Jesus fuckin CHRIST they are the cutest creatures known to the galaxy and beyond. If we're talkin' like, cutest from birth, maybe cats. I adore kittens. Do you have some sort of odd fascination with anything? Perhaps my "strangest" is what's referred to as "vulture culture," which is essentially using naturally-deceased (usually wild) animals for art, such as those popular crystal-covered skulls, necklaces, creative use of wet specimens, stuff like that. I find some odd beauty and respect in creating art of the dead - it's like... making death beautiful and honoring the creature by immortalizing it in an art form. I personally photograph roadkill (that shit's confused the fuck outta drivers lmao) with the goal of forcing the brutality of it onto viewers and just make you think "okay yeah I need to drive more carefully." I don't know if that technically qualifies as vulture culture as I don't really... use the corpses, but nevertheless, I really enjoy doing it. I do kinda question the morality of it, like you can't ask an animal "hey do you wanna be art when ur dead?", so you're left to decide for it, but I think I lean ever so slightly more towards it being respectful, showing the beauty of its life. I WANT TO SAY HOWEVER, I DO FUCKING NOT support hunting trophies. I even question taxidermy outside of being from hunting considering you're not really making art, something new, some sort of message, out of it. There's no creative purpose other than to show "hey look at this dead animal!!", and besides that, it kinda creeps me out. Wow sorry for the ramble, I'm just into this stuff. Who was the last person to text you? Sara. What did they say? Paraphrased, that life has been a serious cunt to her lately. Which is true. have you ever broken someones heart? He fuckin acted like it after two goddamn weeks. I suppose maybe Jason, though I can't really tell you that since he fucked off after the breakup, so it's not like I was around him. I'll admit his health and general demeanor was withering as time led up to it (I knew something was wrong, he'd just never tell me), so he was obviously suffering. I feel awful for that shit, seeing I was apparently that goddamn stress-inducing. Had yours broken? LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO I think the whole Internet knows, oops. Do you consider past relationships a waste of time? No. Well, maybe just one. I kinda wanna say Tyler was, but then again, as I was healing, it showed exactly what I would not tolerate. So I guess it had a silver lining. Do you think you’ll be around to see the world end? I wanna say no, but I wouldn't be surprised. It's gonna be climate change (reason #1 for me), the super volcano finally blowing, or nuclear war. Scientifically, we are far, far, far from overdue for another mass extinction anyway. Do you believe in second chances? Yeah, sometimes. Depends. Do you swear? Way more than needed. Swearing a lot just became part of my normal vernacular through exposure to Jason and his family lmao. I was just about always there, and whew does his mom swear like a sailor. Italian New Yorker to the core. To me, "swear words" are just normal vocabulary. What is the nearest photo to you of? A family of meerkats on my wall. Are you good at being quiet? Sure? Who has your heart? I'm guessing you mean romantically? Two people are tearing at it, then. One that's fuckin stupid and needs to stop. Do you like it that way? No. No. Sara is, realistically, the best match for me and a very healthy partner for me. But now that for whatever goddamn reason Jason sneaked back into the picture (metaphorically; he hasn't reached out or anything), hints of obsession/addiction are coming back. I know it's fucking creepy, but I was legitimately obsessed with him. I sent him a perfectly polite and genuine email of ME apologizing to HIM, and I guess that just shot my feelings back up. God, typing this makes me realize to a fuller degree that this is an awful idea. Where is this person? Sara's probably at home; hell if I know where the other is. When was the last time you saw them? I saw Sara this past February. Jason, not since February of '17. Do you prefer desktops or laptops? Laptops because of portability. Sunrise, or sunset? I think maybe sunrise, considering the colors tend to be more pastel. But both are gorgeous. What kind of mood are you in? A confused as hell one. The Jason thing is driving me insane, and TMI WARNING I've been dealing with a fucking ginormous libido that I'm guessing sprouts from my new birth control, and it led me to doing to thing I said I'd never ever do because I only want to share that experience with my partner. Y'know, the "m" word. Saying it feels too weird and dirty. That's the problem: it's so instilled in my head that masturbation is lustful and just "wrong" that my brain is still trying to process that it's okay and natural and, as I found, relieving. I had to look it up and everything to convince my shameful ass I wasn't being "dirty." Hey, on that note: Planned Parenthood offers way goddamn more than abortion, friends. I swear it's beyond wild what I used to believe. But yeah ANYWAY, I'm just feeling weird and still kinda "tail between my legs" today. Do you like fans that blow directly on you or oscillate? Depends on how hot I am. What is one thing you worry about most in long-term goals? "not having enough money to get there.." <<<< YUP this. Right before you fall asleep, what is your usual position? It's hard to tell considering you're falling into unconsciousness... but I THINK on my left side, hugging an edge of the blanket to me. When you have sex, do you keep your eyes closed or open when finishing? I wouldn't know; I've only ever been on the brim before freaking out and we stopped because I was literally scared of how overwhelming the feeling was. That and my family was home and I was having trouble staying quiet lmao. When you have mail do you open the biggest one first, or doesn’t matter? Uhhhh. I honestly don't get mail enough to answer this. I'd probably go for the smallest? When you wake up what is the first thing you usually look for? My phone. Think of the last habit/addiction you quit. What replaced it? Hm. I really don't know. Your phone rings but you don’t know the number, would you answer it? No sir-ree. Do you always take a shower after you have sex? I didn't always back then. Do you let your girl/boyfriend drive, or do you prefer to? 1.) I don't drive and 2.) I'm single. The last time you had sex was it in the morning, afternoon or night? Hell if I remember.

[lola1b]

Asking around to different yyh blogs, which character do you relate to the most?? :D

Oooh, this is a good and difficult question, anon. There is so much to unpack when it comes to the human mind, and YYH offers many great characters that break the mold of the typical archetype – which is why they are so memorable. This will definitely need to be under the cut ;)

That means they are both incredibly likeable but also quite specific. I can relate to many aspects of different characters we see on screen. For example, I can relate to Toguro’s fear of old age, to his decision to become a demon while Genkai withered away. At the same time, I feel like Genkai is one of the people I admire the most, specifically for who she is. 

She is essentially, everything I hope to become. I fear old age more than I should, because my whole childhood had been cut short, and I feel that I am not ready for the responsibility for the age that I am now. If I could stop aging for a decade, I would feel more comfortable in my skin. Yet Genkai, even as young and beautiful as she was, understood time would make her old and ugly. She accepted it, without a qualm. I wish I could do that.

She is also so small, and was such a pretty girl. Pastel pink hair and barely 5 feet tall. I am also quite short and tiny, and very girly. I’ve often been harassed by others, mostly other girls, when I was in middle and high school for that, because being feminine was weak. Yet Genkai, with pink hair and tiny stature, still managed to be one of the greatest martial artists in the world. It’s really she who inspires me to go to Tae Kwon Do, even when my feet feel like jelly after a long day at work.

She is also someone I relate to because of how we meet her and how we get to know her. She seems a lonely, bitter old hermit at the beginning of the show. It’s something I worry I will become. She is without a lover, without a child, without family – my biggest fears. Yet she finds an adoptive son in Yusuke, and helps this young boy reach his potential, not just in martial arts but in who he is as a person. The moments they share during the later part of the Dark Tournament are some of my favorite. In fact, Genkai is right up there with Gandalf with some of my favorite quotes of all time “Every decision you make affects the countless people who care about you.” 

A little tmi, perhaps, but that quote spoke to me on such a deep level because I was depressed for most of my adolescence and believed no one loved me. This is also where I relate to Yusuke. He thought he was better off dead in the first episode, until he saw the people who nagged him, who picked fights with him, who seemed to ignore him, all loved him and missed him dearly. He saw what I see now, that the perceived lack of love was simply miscommunication. I believe Genkai also helped him understand this. She was so rough on him, after all. Yet he knew she cared about him. He called her “grandma,” and was so affected by her death. 

–

Then there is Kurama. It’s no secret I’m part of the Kurama fan club. But I always related to him on multiple notes. Mostly superficial ones, but some deeper reasons, as well. I was always the wisest member of my friends’ group, often being the prettiest, too (not trying to be narcissistic, simply stating the fact, I was often the only one in heels and make up). I was always apart from my friends though, the way Kurama seems apart from his. He truly relates only to Hiei and seems to treat Kuwabara and Yusuke like children under his care. As I was always older than my peers, I felt similarly. But most importantly, unlike Genkai, who was a hopeful and a fearful reflection, Kurama is very much a fantasy for me. Unlike Genkai, Kurama naturally is able to subdue death, to defy age (he is near 3000 years old, after all!) and can create beautiful things that are also deadly. I can definitely relate to that, as people, especially men in college, always thought I was just a pretty face. They never expected thorns under the pretty petals, the same way no one expects Kurama to be dangerous when he arrives at a fight in his human form. He is, in many ways, what I would love to be, what I often am. Many people do not expect a 5′2 girl to, say, be the loudest voice in the room. I’ve had so many people be completely surprised that I was as wise, as assertive, as politically minded, and as strong as I am. It helps I have red hair, too, haha. But really, Kurama is very much an enigma, but one of his biggest advantages and character traits is that he is very much something you would not expect. You would not expect this pretty bishonen boy to harbor an evil spirit within that once attempted to murder a friend and comrade. You would not assume this human-bodied spirit could stand shoulder to shoulder with Hiei, with Yomi, with a Mazoku like Yusuke, and be branded equals. Yet he is. I was often also quite an enigma. I’ve been told I have walls, that my mind is complicated, more so than other people’s, that I am a contradiction in many ways. Some superficial, such as loving being in fights yet loving heels and skirts. Some more deep, like my politics that often place me in contradiction with people who agree with me on most cases. In the way I think love is one of the greatest things in the world, yet at the same time know it is only a chemical, only a biological reaction – in how I can be cruel and callous to people like Yoko, and feel incredible guilt for little things, like Kurama. He and I are similar on many points. Though once again, much of it is fantasy. I wish I was half as beautiful, wise, enigmatic, and precise as Kurama. I am much more of a mess than he. 

–

So I suppose that is it. Kurama is everything I love, everything I want to be. Genkai is a more realistic relation. She is my fears, she is my hopes, she is my inspiration. I relate to them both on a much deeper level than any other character in the show, though there are, once again, sprinklings of things I can see of myself in others. My cruelty towards some people – my total apathy towards relationships and love – I feel very much that aligns with Yoko. Yomi’s forgiveness towards Kurama, that ability to move on beyond the hurt people did to you, that is a trait I work on very hard. Yusuke’s late realization that people love him, Shiori’s utter devotion to her child, Shizuru’s care for her sibling, wishing for him to be better than she was, the way I hope my niece will be better than I. It’s all in there, in small pieces. 

Thank you for such a wonderful ask, Anon :) It really made me pause and think back on myself as a person. It was a wonderful experience. I encourage everyone who sees this to do some soul searching. Why do we love this show so much? Why do we love these characters? Do we relate to them on a deeper level? Is there one character, or two, or three, who remind you of yourself? I would also be very interested to see what fellow fans have to say. (Or you can all tell me, Lola, you’re drunk again and talking nonsense! Which may or may not be true, haha!)