#but I also hate being alone and lonely all the time and it was the first time I've gone out since February and
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🦋🌊Astro Notes🍀
Mars in 12th house- you just like to do things alone. You don't need to invest your energy in others, and in fact you can really enjoy yourself. Your energy is at its best when you are doing something for your soul. Meditation, yoga, journaling, watching movies, singing, dancing, listening to music all fill your soul. You like to watch movies alone, this is one of the things that I have noticed in general, that you enjoy watching movies alone sometimes more than with others. Waiting in the car is also one of the things you like or just being in the car and listening to music and having fun with yourself. Many times you need your own space, which is only yours and does not include others. When you know how to direct your energy in a good direction, you can actually feel very good. I also think that people who have a 12th house in a fire sign are much more independent and know how to direct their Mars energy better than people who have this house in an air sign, because many times you need to involve other people.
Mars in fire signs-they will always want to have a response from people because it is very important to them. They like it when people react to things and actually do something. They hate when people are unresponsive. Let's say: mars in sagittarius in 12th house - you will want an emotional response from people and that they confess their feelings and what is on their soul without ego, and at the same time you like it when someone reacts without thinking but just surrenders to their emotions and the current situation.
Mars in earth sign-they like more mature responses and more stable. They expect you to understand them and to be able to approach the situation with stability. Many times their actions are very deliberate and more planned.
The position of the moon indicates where you feel most fulfilled and in what way. Moon in 7th house - you can feel fulfilled through friends, relationships. Many times when you are with other people you feel more fulfilled and full of energy than when you are alone.
People with moon in 1st house are very honest. To the point that they don’t have a feeling if they hurt someone. You are imaginative in the way you express yourself and intuitive about other people. Home and family mean a great deal to you, and you remember your childhood with nostalgia.
Saturn is also very important when it comes to commitment. According to the sign of Saturn, one can see how seriously a person approaches life and circumstances, how serious their commitments are. And also how seriously the person takes the relationship they are in and how much responsibility they show. Also the maturity of a person and how a person reaches maturity. For ex.: Sautun in Pisces- a person will always idealize relationships and may never be completely stable and serious when it comes to them. Saturn in Aries-you are stable when it comes to relationships. And very determined in what you want and can also be very persistent in what you want
Venus and Capricorn- like to build on a relationship and therefore slowly invest in the relationship itself. They can be very suspicious and dubious when it comes to relationships. Many times they have reservations and do not like to build something if they do not feel that the thing will be long-term. Many times they are rejected in love. Often also very lonely people. They look like they are fine, but many times they want love and someone who will take care of them. But most of the time they have a problem to express it.
Mercury and Pisces - have a passion for writing and creating. They like things that are dreamy and magical and that bring them fantasy. They feel best around people who have watery mercury because they feel the most understood
Moon conjuction Saturn- these people have a lot of responsibility when it comes to emotions, they can feel a lot of responsibility when it comes to the emotions of others. It is more difficult for them to express how they feel and they are afraid to express their emotions because they do not want people to reject them. When they feel something, they need time to process it.
Uranus in 1st house you have an inventive mind and may take up unusual interests or hobbies. Your life is often marked by sudden and unexpected beginnings. You have a high-strung personality and an independent way of looking at things. You can be strong- willed about getting your own way.
Pluto in 2nd house -You are adventurous about money and not afraid of taking risks. You like to diversify, and during your lifetime there may be several changes in your source of income. You tend to become obsessed with possessions and finances.
Neptune in 3rd house -Your mind is impressionable and imaginative, and you may have psychic feelings about other people. You have a deep need to learn about life and are attracted to occult studies. You like to daydream and fantasize.
Sun in 4th house - You take pride in your home and family; from the time you were young you had a deep need to establish roots. One or both of your parents was a dominant influence in your life; in some cases you had to struggle for independence. Condi- tions surrounding the end of your life promise to be fortunate.
Venus in 4th house- Your home is usually your showplace and you like to surround yourself with beautiful things. You tend to have happy memories of childhood and are probably attached to your mother. Circumstances at the end of your life promise to be peaceful. Even tho it is important to look at venus sign and aspects because sometimes venus here could indicate that you grew up in childhood with the mindset that you mean as much as you have money. Your parents can also make you feel that you are not worthy enough.
Mars in 4th house - You have a great desire to own your own home so that you can live independently. In your childhood you may have been in conflict with parents, especially your father. Your latter years promise to be active, and you are unlikely to be dependent on others for a place to live.
Moon in 7th house- Security is very important to you in marriage and relationships. Chances are you will marry a parental figure of some kind. Your spouse will probably be protective of you. You are likely to become popular with the public at some time in your life.
Mars in 8th house- You are passionate about life and have a strong sex drive. You are attracted to the occult, also to medicine and the healing arts. There may be conflicts in your family over wills or legacies. Good point: powerful and brilliant researcher. Bad point: need to protect yourself against financial loss because of an extravagant partner.
Every year you are different person and on the different path because of the annual profection year. For ex.: annual profection in your 3rd house- there will be a lot of short trips , lots of action, rapid changes. You think and ponder a lot. You figure out your own thinking and prefer to connect with like-minded people. 4th house - it brings stability and thinking in a more stable direction. You want to build something long-term and have a home with your partner. You prefer to spend time with people who are close to you. This house is the house of feeling, so you are starting to listen to your intuition more. 5th house- that's when you work more on your projects and start to be more visible and share your passion with others. You can succeed in something you've wanted for a long time. You focus more on your hobbies and your entertainment. At the same time, you can be more romantic and have the feeling that you and your partner are having more fun.
The fourth quarter of the horoscope consists of Houses Ten, Eleven, and Twelve. People with many planets in this quarter are the most independent and ambitious of all. They make their own way in life, and gain through their own efforts rather than those of other people. In early life they usually learn to depend on themselves; their self- sufficiency is likely to bring them success later in life.
The second quarter of the horoscope consists of Houses Four, Five, and Six. Those who have many planets in this quarter are relationship-oriented. They need com- panionship in their lives to feel satisfaction and harmony. In their early lives they usually develop an instinct for dealing successfully with other people; their associations are likely to bring them contentment later in their lives.
Part of fortune- (Also known by its Latin name, Pars Fortuna) A point in a horoscope, arrived at by the calculation of an ancient Arabic mathematical formula in which the longitude of the Ascendant is added to the longitude of the Moon, and the longitude of the Sun is subtracted from that sum. The Part of Fortune in a birth chart is still considered by modern astrologers to be indicative of ease and good fortune. The activities of the sign and house in which the Part of Fortune appears are those in which the native finds success.
-Rebekah🧚🏼♀️⭐️🫧
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#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
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still thinking about ‘from rupert (not the bear)’
#my neighbour has been a bit of a hardass all year so I got it in my head that he hates us and was generally a bit of a dick#and I knocked on his door multiple times the past few days to be like hi pls don’t lock the street gate I can’t get in my house otherwise#and I was convinced he’d give me shit about it and then he just WOULDNT ANSWER HIS DOOR ANYWAY#even tho I share a wall with him I can HEAR that he’s in so I was getting so frustrated#and in the end I posted a note to him explaining the situation#and HE POSTED A REALLY SWEET NOTE BACK SAYING IT WAS NO PROBLEM#and he signed off with ‘from no.38 aka rupert (not the bear)’#and I’m genuinely choked up about it. it was hours ago I’m still here#it’s a mix of me being due on + being very stressed non-stop for 2 days and not expecting such a silly kind thing#but also ik he lives alone and he barely leaves his house and initially I thought he was just rude bc that’s the vibe he gave#but this tiny act of like. reaching out? has made me rethink and now I’m convinced he’s lonely in there#and I’m gonna CRYYYYY#HE DIDNT NEED TO EVEN RESPOND BUT HE DID. (not the bear) HEAD IN MY HANDSSSS#hella goes to uni
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:/
#incapable of seeing people and not crying after it seems!!!!!! I’m glad that I get time alone but now I’m Super Alone again which.#I am just tired. of being alone all the time! not having friends around! not seeing people! being ignored!#and just like. I’m tired of being so good at everything else in my life except for having relationships and having my shit together#but then not being able to figure out how to find friends or make anyone interested in me or whatever#like I don’t really even want to date someone except for the fact that it would make me less lonely!#and it’s also just so ridiculous bc like. idk. I just have no idea how to even like put out into the world that I would like to be seen!#and seen as someone who is attractive! and wants to have friends! just. god. they should make a being in ur 20s that doesn’t make u sad.#like I don’t hate being fat in the same way as I used to but I do know my life would be easier if I was skinny. and I would be like pretty#or whatever! just. ugh. it doesn’t help that I’m not perceived as like anything other than woman half the time either. I need. a hug.#and more friends I can talk to who aren’t dating each other. I have those but they don’t. talk to me.#so it’s. whatever#roxy talks
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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Istg, I just need Roy to express that he is fond of Jamie. Like he clearly has a soft spot for him, and obv I would love more than anything for them to both admit they love each other and go at it, but I would literally be happy rn if Roy would just admit, to himself and to someone else, that he really does care for Jamie now
I know I shouldn’t say this and jinx it but to me this is happening 1000x and exactly where Roy’s arc is heading. They are undeniably in their bestie era and like THIS from the season trailer:
THAT is definitely Jamie coaxing a smile out of Roy Kent!!!
#it’s the way they’ve both spent 80% of their time together this season#and they also both hate being alone so roy is definitely in his ‘I will train with Jamie for hours every single day because he will let me’#’BUT it’s of course only because I’m sad and lonely about keeley it has nothing to do with me liking spending time with Jamie’#era of DELUSION!!!#but he will get there soon enough. all in good time.#royjamie#Roy Kent#Jamie Tartt#asks#Ted lasso spoilers#ted lasso
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man
#i fucking hate my college i hate the town i hate being here i hate all the people here#everyone who goes here is fucking mean and unwilling to make friends so im never going to make any friends it’s been like two years#and when you don’t have friends to room with you cant get an apartment and you arent allowed to live off campus so im#never fucking getting an apartment and will have to live alone in a dorm where i just sit and cry every day after class because im so lonely#no wonder so many people who go here kill themselves#👍#vent#personal#and the only reason i go here is ebcause my parents forced me to go to college even when i begged to take a gap year because#covid fucking ruined my mental and physical health and they refused so im twice as miserable as i would have been#and i didnt want to pick a school so i just picked this one because i also grew up here and ive fucking hated living here this entire time#i dont know what to do#and i was going to transfer this semester but now i’m in the film program and it’s a top film tv school in the country so i feel like#id be making a worse choice career wise if i were to transfer but im so miserable im so fucking miserable man i cant do it anymore
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I really don't want to have to beg for money again but I'm afraid it might come to that
#I've been trying to pay off the same $500 on my credit card since I registered my car in February#every time I make progress either some unexpected expense comes up#or I just end up doing something stupid#i took a week off work for my mental health#but I used ''vacation'' as an excuse to spend money I had no business spending#I didn't think it was 150 fucking dollars though#but now I feel so disgusting and I hate myself and my mental health is even worse than before#I meeded that time off#and I really needed to have fun#I went out and made a friend and spent the night playing pool with him !!!!!!!!#but I spent 50 fucking dollars at the bar#so I hate myself for it and regret it#but I also hate being alone and lonely all the time and it was the first time I've gone out since February and#I NEED to have experiences and Do Things and talk to people with my mouth and nkt just my fingers#but then I remember that I'm broke and broke people don't deserve to do fun things and I shouldn't have done that#and I hate it#I hate it!!!!!!!#just last year I started Doing Things and going out and having fun and feeling more alive than ever before#and then my fucking car died#and everything has just been truly and honestly awful since the day this year started#and it feels like I'll never get to feel alive again#without literally wanting to kill myself immediately after#I can't take commissions#Ive been trying to finish this one for a month#but I can't afford to live#last night I laid in bed thinking what I can possibly eat thursday besides the spaghetti leftovers in my fridge bc that's only one meal#vent //
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I feel bad that so much of my issue rn is that I’m lonely because I feel like I’m putting a burden on others in admitting this, but like yeah I’m so lonely and I’m worse for it because like I can’t do much about it
#whimsy whispers#I feel like I’m being selfish I feel like a burden I feel like I’m asking too much but like#I’m truly so lonely that I can barely cope and like there just#isn’t much someone who is alone can do about loneliness#I can’t spin it in a positive way I can’t be like wooo inlove solitude I hate it#it’s so very hard to cope with especially when I have to watch other people be close and happy and have people in their lives#people who seek them out and want their company#it hurts even more when those people are the ones who feel like they don’t want to spare a glance towards me#not to be immature and petty but this is a big part of why I’ve left like every single server I’m in#it hurts to see people be happy and friends and wanted and loved#it’s also why I’m like the worst when kane is gone or at nighttime#kane is actually home rn it’s jsut been a bad night ahhfjfk#but he’ll go to see his dad for a few days and I’ll be all alone again#this is all not helped by the fact that I like cannot cope with being alone#as mentioned before I spent a lot of my life growing up isolated from other people I didn’t have peers growing up for a long time#and now when I’m alone/left alone I panic#I’ll even make people eat with me because i don’t wanna be alone I hate being alone I rarely find any comfort in being left alone
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cried for an hour, read some of my depression poetry from fall semester, my mother called, now back to packing up my entire apartment
#I hate having to do all of this on my own#I hate that I’m on my own all the time and yes my friends are being incredibly helpful and generous but it isn’t that#it’s knowing that I always was alone in this place and moving to a place where I’ll likely be just as lonely all over again#and also there’s something uniquely devastating about packing up an entire life that’s solely mine#I hate that all of these boxes don’t mean anything to anyone else#I want someone else to have a stupid Christmas ornament in this box that they specifically look forward to putting up each year you know?#and I want someone’s mugs and books and magnets and mixed with mine#literally the dumbest shit to complain about in the whole world but I guess I’m breaking down tonight sure why not#my stuff#molly moves next week
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also like to clarify.. we were not expecting her to leave. and any time she would have left would’ve been bad timing but it’s like.. this was HER program and we didn’t have enough time to really get to know it as well as she did (and still does probably). and there are so many flaws in it that we didn’t have time to address and our attention was spread so thin bc we were / still are juggling a million things and trying to compensate for the vacancy in our already extremely and egregiously small staff. so i get that the leaders may be feeling unsupported and resentful of that and that is very valid. but it’s like.. if that is in fact the case i think it’s important to know that this is not ideal for us either. we lost the person who knew this program inside and out and we still haven’t recovered and even though her position has been filled now (by my new colleague bestie who is AMAZING and has been helpful and supportive and has gone above and beyond in every way and i adore them don’t get me wrong) we may never fully recover from it or at least we won’t for a very long time. and im not even just talking about like the impact on our work. i mean on us as people who were closely psychically bound together. which sounds freakish and weird but we were. that wound is going to take a long time to fully scar and when the scar forms it will always be there. so excuse us for not putting on a perfect asb less than a year after she left us we are kind of seeing the consequences of all of the horrors right now lol.
#purrs#delete later#i need to not be so fucking bitter about it i know it’s not helpful at all. but it just feels so unfair. i feel attacked. i know we had a#lot of room to grow and we still do but it’s like.. we did the best we could and we’re doing the best we could now. and it just sucks. the#things we thought were going well were not. and the things i need to cope they have grudges about. so like what the fuck ever. it’s like at#this point i hate all of them and never want to see them again. LIKE THE WAY IVE BEEN FUCKING BENDING OVER BACKWARDS over text trying to#help one of them bc she texts me all the time and it turns out she thinks we’re evil??? lol. ok. whatever. like go fuck yourself lmao#<- i need to just get this out of my system bc it’s soooo immature and unhelpful and not how a staff member should respond to this and#posting abt it online is dangerous and has consequences. but i just feel so miserable. and small. and painfully aware of my smallness.#and alone and helpless. and unable to support the people who actually are being responsible and mature and coming to confess stuff to us#even though they’re snitching or whatever. like this shit is so unbelievably fucking stupid and i shouldn’t be letting it get me down but i#just feel very vulnerable to it all rn and lonely. but typing out my thoughts and knowing peopel will read them helps (cringe). ok i should#go to bed now bc we have a very long and early day tmrrw and i haven’t prepared for what im supposed to do AT ALL bc we were in that session#for like 5 hours when it was only supposed to be 1.5 and i didn’t get to eat and my ut*rus is trying to rip my body apart like a wolverine!#* unable to support the ppl who are actually being responsible.. LET ALONE my colleague besties who are each carrying the burdens of this in#different ways and are also processing this difficult news in ways that will have implications for our past present and future! like lollll
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i think starting uni post-covid and living at home is the worst combination in the WORLD actually
#its so difficult to make friends because like#for one nobody talks to each other#like lectures are dead silent and pretty much everyone sits alone#or like. if they do sit with someone they only talk to them in that lecture and nowhere else in my experience LOL#i thought we all hated each other but i imagine a lot of us just like#aren’t used to being around so many people after covid still?#and like i guess it also sort of took out the chunk of time where we should’ve been socialising and having fun in a way#but then i face the living at home stuff#so i don’t even have like flatmates i see daily or something#which makes it so much harder#and i can’t join societies because to be fair all of ours look a bit rubbish but simultaneously a lot are like late evening#and i commute so that’s a nuisance for me#i dunno man it just SUCKS a bit at the moment like#i love doing stuff alone but sometimes i wish i had friends who wanted to do stuff too like#i have friends but none of them wanna do things#and i love my friends a lot but i wanna do things !1!/)2£2#yelling this into the void of tumblr i have to get it off my chest ok#lonely uni students out there i am with you we are holding hands
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im having a bad time !!!
#im fine im going to bed o just have no one to talk to even tho i have ppl messaging me but they dont care about . this.#like i just need someone to hold my hand its not something that can be done online. i guess.#like i would have to have something to say.#i guess imcould say im lonely but what are they gonna do about it? say oh so sad im so sorry ? who cares. who cares#i hate being on my fucking period and i hate being alone for so long. i want to meet up with people but nobody wears a fucking mask so i#cant relax because i have to keep my mask secure while talking and my nose is chronically stuffy because of mold in my flat and#i run out of air while talking and#look. im just having. a bad time right now goodnight. love you#(also the problem w holding hands is that i don't trust people at all and i dont want them getting ideas. i dont like anyone. ugh.)
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whining hours . sry
#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i#just cant imagine it happening again#like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g#to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit#the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t#go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation#+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out#rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking#out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that#and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache#way too quickly and then explode or something. idk#i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots#and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont#have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me#+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk#theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have#stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is#for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part#makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny#it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very#aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate#conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think#itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th#weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk#i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up#<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im#just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but#wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me#like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to#talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings
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sitting on the floor w my ears back and tail down trembling and looking pathetic and soggy
#tongue#theres a delicate balance between wanting to spend more time offline and also socially isolating myself#also i never talk abt it bc lowkey im still embarrassed to exist but being an age regressor is fucking exhausting and depressing#bc i dont Want to but then something happens and im sitting on the floor sobbing and being alone and scared and i hate it#and its kinda a neverending cycle of being insane and isolating and then being lonely but not being able to reach out#and then something happens and i have no support bc i refuse to acknowledge it ever#and then im back on the floor again crying#lalalalalalalalala whatever im crocheting a bed for the cats#and also i put my phone on dnd all the time and dont turn it off bc i forget so i just never reply to ppl#the isolation is 100% my fault if anyone thinks im vagueposting im not
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Feels Like Home
[Logan Howlett x Female!Reader]
Synopsis: You decide to take it upon yourself to become best friends with Wade’s new grumpy addition to the family (much to Logan’s dismay).
WC: 2453
Category: Fluff, Sunshine!Reader x Grumpy!Logan trope {TW: Bar Fight, Handsy Drunk Dude, Mentions of Blood + Bruising}.
[Dedicated to: @iluvloganhowlett] I finished it for you!! (I’m shocked at the speed too don’t worry 💀). Hopefully this fluffiness will help add onto the low supply out there.
And incase anyone hasn’t seen it yet: DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT
『••✎••』
You’ve always had a keen eye when it came to others. It’s mostly why you and Wade get along so well; you’re the one person who can see straight through him. And while it means you are very close, it also meant that you can easily tell when something is going on with someone you don't know that well, like the tall, brooding man named Logan, who had just joined the club of misfits.
You could tell by the way he carried himself that he had been through hell and back. He was quiet, grumpy, and had a tendency to snap at Wade, which, most of the time, was a well-deserved snapping.
You could also tell that there was more to him. He wasn't just a grumpy guy; there was something about him that made you want to be his friend. Maybe it was the sadness in his eyes, or maybe it was how lonely he looked.
Either way, you knew he was in need of a good friend, and you wanted to be that friend. Not a pestering one like Wade, but the kind of friend that just makes you feel a bit better.
So, when you spotted him, downing glass after glass of whiskey for the third day in a row, you just knew you had to help.
And he hated it. Oh, man, he absolutely hated it. You were such a happy ray of sunshine, always smiling, always laughing. He found it so fucking annoying. He couldn't deal with you and your constant positivity. It was like you were the PG-13 version of the breathing ballsack next to you.
But you wouldn't give up. Every time you saw him, you would try to cheer him up by making silly jokes, giving him small gifts, or even just sending him encouraging smiles.
He didn't want any of it, but it seemed you were too stubborn to listen. Every small note you’d given him was left crinkled in the trash; every gift was placed away without ever being touched. Your smile never got a response.
That is, until one day, as you walked by him, he mumbled something that almost made you trip over.
"Thanks."
You stopped in your tracks and turned around to face him, a look of disbelief on your face. You had tried so hard to cheer him up for the past few weeks, and this was the only thing you got from him? You couldn't believe it.
You had spent so much time and effort trying to make him feel better, and this was all he could say to you?
You wanted to hug him. To scream to the skies and celebrate that he finally accepted your kindness.
You held the restraint to do so, though. You didn’t want to cause him to close off again, and so instead, you sent him a soft smile, and a small nod, before you resumed walking (running) to your friends.
The next day, however, you were met with the biggest surprise of your life.
Logan was sitting at the bar, drinking. He didn't look too different, still dressed in his trademark blue jeans and flannel shirt, but his face was still holding that sadness you had grown used to seeing on him.
You walked over to him and sat down beside him, that classic smile of yours plastered on your face.
"Hi!"
He groaned. "You're not going to leave me alone, are you?"
"Nope!" You replied cheerfully, popping the 'p.'
He grumbled under his breath and downed the last of his drink, signaling to the bartender for another.
"Come on, Wolvie," you said, nudging his shoulder. "Lighten up. Life's not that bad, is it?"
He turned to glare at you, his dark brown eyes piercing into yours. "It's Logan," he said, his voice a low growl.
You shrugged and leaned closer to him, propping your elbow on the counter. This was the usual part—the part where he would give vocal responses while you carried on your one-sided conversation with him.
The difference this time, the surprise of it all, was when a person approached the both of you. Mind you, a very drunk person.
"Heyyyyy, baby girl," he slurred, his hand landing on your shoulder.
You turned to him, and he was looking you up and down with that gaze you knew had only one intention. You still smiled, though, and politely moved his hand off your shoulder.
"Uh, hi?" You answered unsurely.
He slammed his elbow on the counter, his palm on his fist. "You are gorgeous," he commented, and you had to hold back the laughter that was bubbling in your throat.
"Thank you," you chuckled.
Logan scoffed, rolling his eyes, but you paid him no mind. Usual behavior from him, nothing new.
"No, really," the stranger continued, moving his arm around your shoulders, "I think you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
"Well, I'm glad you think so," you answered, still chuckling. "But, I think you're a little drunk."
"Drunk on love," he responded, "Say, wanna get out of here? I'll show you a real good time."
Here comes the awkward part, you thought.
You shook your head, and removed his arm from around your shoulders. "Thank you for… uh, the kind offer," you answered, "But, no, thank you."
You expected him to shrug it off and leave or to just be a dick, as many drunken guys are. But no, this guy did not know how to take a hint.
Instead, he tightened his grip around you and pulled you closer to him, his free hand moving down your waist. "Come on, baby," he said, his words slurring. "You know you want to."
You sighed. You were really hoping it wouldn't have to come to this.
You were about to speak, to politely, yet firmly, tell him to leave you alone, but before you could open your mouth, a gruff voice beat you to it.
"She said no,"
He didn’t even look at the man or you. His eyes were still fixated on the counter as if he was talking to his glass, but he had turned his head a bit to the side so that you could hear him clearly.
The drunk stranger was startled by the sudden intervention. He let go of you and looked over at Logan, confusion clear in his face.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked, his brows furrowed.
"Does it matter?" Logan grumbled.
"Yeah, it does," the stranger retorted, his slurring voice suddenly getting serious. "If I'm gonna be having fun, I don't want an audience."
Oh, how you hated confrontations.
Logan just scoffed with a slight hint of a smile, shaking his head as he still refused to turn around.
"Trust me, pal," he replied, "I ain't interested in watching you do anything."
"Good." He went back to his obnoxious grin, now directing his attention back to you. Oh, man, he was an eyesore.
"So, how about it, beautiful? Wanna head somewhere else?" He slurred.
You were about to reply, again, with a polite rejection, but your shoulder was being grabbed at again, and if it wasn’t for the small training session that Colossus had put you through, you were sure you would have lost your footing.
"Can you let go of me, please?" You asked politely, but the man was a brick wall.
"Nah, sweetheart," he shook his head, and the movement was so intense, you could almost hear the alcohol sloshing around in his head, "You're comin' with me. Trust me, you’ll be perfectly taken care of."
That was when the sound of glass slamming against the counter reached your ears, and you didn't have to see the source of the sound to know it was Mr. Grumps.
What you struggled for what seemed like an eternity, he took that needy arm away from your shoulders within a fraction of a second. It was almost shocking how quick he was, but then again, you knew what he was capable of.
With you safe against the counter, Logan turned to face the stranger, his face still showing that same neutral expression as before, though his eyes held an intensity that made the man flinch.
Normal people would believe he had the patience of a saint. But you weren’t a normal person. You knew this was dangerously close to making him lose it.
"Uh, Logan… maybe we should—"
But your words fell on deaf ears. The only thing that Logan could hear was the weak excuses the guy was trying to give as he tried to pull his hand from the tight grasp Logan had it in.
"Hey, man," he stuttered, his words slurring as the panic set in, "What’s your problem? Let go of me!
But Logan had no intentions of doing so. He held the stranger's arm firmly, his grip growing tighter until he could hear a small crack coming from the guy's bones.
"What's your damage, huh?" the guy continued, trying his best to keep his voice from breaking. "It's just a little fun, right, baby?"
You cringed as his eyes fell back onto you, and the pleading tone of his voice was beginning to make your skin crawl.
"Look, uh," you started, looking anywhere but his eyes, "I don't think—"
"Listen," the man continued, and your eyes fell shut. God, he was just not going to stop. "Maybe you can join us? Huh, big boy? That’s what it is, right? You want her all for yourself?"
Uh, oh.
"Logan, don’t—"
It was too late. He had already snapped, and with a grunt, he pulled the man closer to him, his other hand forming a fist around his shirt.
"Wanna say that again?" He growled. "Do it. I dare you."
The man was trembling in his grasp, but he was clearly too drunk to understand the danger he was in.
"Oh, I'm sorry, are you her boyfriend?" He taunted, and the fact that he had the guts to do so while his hand was in a painful hold was astonishing, even for you. "Or are you just some guy with a crush? Cause, honestly, it's pretty pathetic. You can't even ask her out."
His words had Logan seeing red, and before you could do anything, the guy was pushed away and was about to be on the receiving end of one of the strongest punches you've ever seen.
So, riskily, to protect yourself and him from being thrown out of his favorite place, you jumped off the stool and slid in between them as he launched his punch, just stopping inches away from your face.
"Please," you said, your palms up and in front of you, as if that would do anything to stop the rage he was feeling, "Please, calm down."
"Calm down?" He repeated, his voice rising. "Are you kidding me?"
"You need to let it go," you told him. "He's drunk, Logan. He doesn't know what he's saying."
"And, what," he retorted, his anger slowly fading away, "Does it look like I give a single fuck about that?"
You sighed, your eyes meeting his, and that was enough for him to finally give in. His clenched fist dropped, and he released a frustrated sigh.
The dude behind you started laughing, his voice sounding as if he was trying to make fun of a fight scene.
"So," he chuckled, "That's it, huh? You're not gonna do shit? You’re just as pathetic as a—"
He gently moved you aside, and in an instant, the man was lying on the floor with a bloody nose, a black eye, and a few broken ribs.
You could only hold your head in your hands, knowing very well the mess you were about to have to deal with.
And it didn't take long.
As soon as Logan stepped away from the drunk idiot, security was on him, grabbing his arms and restraining him. He couldn’t care less, though, as he held a sadistic grin on his face, pleased with his work while being escorted out.
And, so, there, the two of you were on the steps of the apartment building. You, holding your hands in your lap, and he, staring up at the night sky.
The air was warm, the city lights were dim, and the sky was covered in clouds. There was an odd silence between the two of you, which wasn’t really all that odd, but the events of the night had changed the atmosphere.
"Thanks," you spoke, breaking the quiet. "For, you know, standing up for me."
"He was a douche," he stated, his voice gruff. "Someone had to send that fucktart crying home to mommy."
"You shouldn’t have done that, though," you told him. "Now, you’re probably banned from the bar. I know it's your favorite."
"Eh," he shrugged, "Booze is booze. There are plenty more places to get drunk."
You didn't respond. Instead, you focused your attention on the small bugs flying around the dim light next to the door.
"You shouldn't be thanking me, anyway," he continued, turning to you. That was new. "I should be the one thanking you."
You looked at him, your brows furrowed. This whole conversation was getting weird. "Uh, what for?" You asked, confused.
"For putting up with me," he replied, shrugging.
"Putting up with you?" You repeated, not understanding. "I don't understand."
"Y'know," he continued, his gruff voice a little less gruff. "Sticking around. Being friendly. Having… patience. I can be…I can be a real dick. Honestly, I still don't get why you keep trying."
The smile that found its way to your lips waa the most genuine one he's ever seen. Your eyes were full of kindness and understanding, and your lips, which usually held a grin or a smirk, were turned upwards in a soft, gentle smile.
"Logan," you said, your voice low. "You may be a grump, and you might not be the friendliest guy, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve kindness. Everyone deserves that… or at least a little bit of it."
He scoffed. "That's funny," he replied, turning his head away.
You furrowed your brows and cocked your head, confused. "What is?" You asked.
"I used to think," he began, "That no one would ever look at me in the way you do. Not after what I’ve done… not after what I am."
"You're a good man, Logan," you told him. "You proved who you were when you willingly helped Wade."
"Maybe," he sighed, his gaze meeting yours. "But, there's still a lot you don't know about me. I'm not exactly a knight in shining armor."
"Oh, my dear, Wolvie," you said playfully, leaning closer to him and placing your palm on his shoulder, "You never were."
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