#but I also hate being alone and lonely all the time and it was the first time I've gone out since February and
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YES and like it's less directly referenced, but the show also touches on how wirt's negative self image and "nobody wants me I must be doomed to walk this life alone" bit, where he simultaneously longs for social connection/acceptance while also romanticizing and waxing poetic about his isolation and inclination self reliance, is likely being reinforced by his experience in the blended family dynamic.
he feels disconnected from his family, like an outsider. While some kids get angry at the new parent/siblings that are introduced, wirt projects the "blame" inward onto himself. its possible he feels like greg + Greg's dad his mom's preferred or *real* family and he's just a reminder of a past mistake and is unwanted. And/or he might just feel like there's not a space for himself in his mom's new life.
Especially with their age difference there was probably several years where the majority of the mental and emotional energy in the family was focused on taking care of the new baby. So wirt has developed a mentality of self reliance tinted with some feelings of being unwanted/unlikable (this mentality can definitely be seen in his social anxiety around his classmates and how he thinks they all hate him when they are mostly just neutral about him).
So he doesn't have a strong sense of belonging within his family unit or among his peers at school. So he tends to turn inward and pace around in his own head stewing on his thoughts and worries. and likely seeks out and clings tightly to any glimpses of representation he can find in the media he consumes (poetry, music, books etc). So he ends up idealizing this sort of misunderstood lone genius/artist archetype, bc it's a narrative that celebrates other people who feel lonely and misunderstood by the rest of society just like he does.
Also wirt is like 13/14? Puberty is a bitch and psychology 101 will tell you that during the teen years the most important relationships in a person's life shift from being family bonds to bonds with friends and peers.
So wirt is going through this internal struggle between
1 - The part of him that is resigned to isolation and is maybe even proud of it (bc it makes him fit the tragic artist archetype he idolizes)
and
2 - the part of him that feels lonely and is desperately seeking belonging and understanding from others.
And like,,that's rough buddy, puberty is hard I get it.
But as OP pointed out, he's so absorbed in his own internal conflicts and feelings that he brushes off Greg constantly, to the point that he doesn't even realize the unconditional love and acceptance greg is already giving him freely (obv it's not the same type of belonging he needs/wants from peers but it's a start and, crucially, it disproves the idea that he is some tragic loner doomed to a life without love--his family loves him--Greg loves him--he does have a place of belonging in his family-- they want him there!)
and it takes greg almost dying for him to snap out of it and accept the olive branch Greg's been trying to give him the whole time and start repairing his sense of belonging in his family (which in turn seems to help boost his confidence interacting with his peers)
ig in summary: I think wirt's experience with blended family dynamics actually does a lot in terms of helping establish the mindset, characterization, and therefore character development of wirt throughout the series.
like yeah it's easy to say he's just a grumpy teenager who thinks his little brother is lame but he's a teenager with a very specific lived experience that explains and influences how and why he pushes his brother (and other people like his classmates) away when they try to connect with him.
i dont think enough otgw fans talk about the exploration of complex family dynamics that the show manages to weave through pretty much every episode. like the relationship between wirt and greg seems so innocuous in the beginning, just normal aloofness due to the age gap, but as the episodes go on it becomes clear that wirt full on resents greg and actively dismisses him as “his stepdad’s kid,” while greg openly admires/loves wirt and doesnt understand why he wont spend time with him. theres so many little moments that make the lack of reciprocity in their relationship obvious, and it literally takes almost DYING for wirt to understand that he needs to treat his brother better. like holy fuck man ill be shocked if the person who wrote their backstory doesnt have a step/half-sibling cause WOW they got it right
#rambling#otgw#ily over the garden wall#am i projecting my own experiences onto the situation?#perhaps#but i dont necessarily think im wrong#otgw wirt#greg otgw
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#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
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still thinking about ‘from rupert (not the bear)’
#my neighbour has been a bit of a hardass all year so I got it in my head that he hates us and was generally a bit of a dick#and I knocked on his door multiple times the past few days to be like hi pls don’t lock the street gate I can’t get in my house otherwise#and I was convinced he’d give me shit about it and then he just WOULDNT ANSWER HIS DOOR ANYWAY#even tho I share a wall with him I can HEAR that he’s in so I was getting so frustrated#and in the end I posted a note to him explaining the situation#and HE POSTED A REALLY SWEET NOTE BACK SAYING IT WAS NO PROBLEM#and he signed off with ‘from no.38 aka rupert (not the bear)’#and I’m genuinely choked up about it. it was hours ago I’m still here#it’s a mix of me being due on + being very stressed non-stop for 2 days and not expecting such a silly kind thing#but also ik he lives alone and he barely leaves his house and initially I thought he was just rude bc that’s the vibe he gave#but this tiny act of like. reaching out? has made me rethink and now I’m convinced he’s lonely in there#and I’m gonna CRYYYYY#HE DIDNT NEED TO EVEN RESPOND BUT HE DID. (not the bear) HEAD IN MY HANDSSSS#hella goes to uni
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It's gettin pretty tough to keep squeakin I'll tell you that much
#this mouse has had her depression intensified again#time to read her journal and remember all the good things she cares about#time to work on moving on from the bad#I need to decide how much time being lonely and hurt I'm going to allow myself#compartmentalisation right#I can take all of this and deal with it later when there's more distance from it#I should also write myself a letter#it's always good to write myself a letter#I think I wanna cry in the shower first though#I was told not to bomb a bridge by someone with a lit stick of dynamite in her hand#standing next to an already bombed bridge#I played my part in stuff but not everything's my fault#and I think I'm gonna go cry about how it feels like that's being ignore for the sake of hating me and proving me wrong#then I'll pack all of this into a box and put it on a shelf in my mind and come back to it when somebody is ready to approach it with me#because I can't keep having this cycle alone#I can't keep listening to all the things I've been made to feel#I can't keep having imaginary conversations and wishing for magical fixes and apologies that might not ever come#god what a shit show#it's wild how fast everything can spiral out of control#and how much you can lose when it happens#I'll find another home some day#I have to believe that and keep moving forward#I'll find family that can be more patient with me and more accepting of their own flaws#I'll find a family that won't hurt me when they see me in a bad spot#i have to#please#i have to believe it's possible#and i really really really want to believe that can be my current family after weve had some time#but i feel so so scared that it cant#so lets shower and then box it up and then we can see what happens in a month I guess
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:/
#incapable of seeing people and not crying after it seems!!!!!! I’m glad that I get time alone but now I’m Super Alone again which.#I am just tired. of being alone all the time! not having friends around! not seeing people! being ignored!#and just like. I’m tired of being so good at everything else in my life except for having relationships and having my shit together#but then not being able to figure out how to find friends or make anyone interested in me or whatever#like I don’t really even want to date someone except for the fact that it would make me less lonely!#and it’s also just so ridiculous bc like. idk. I just have no idea how to even like put out into the world that I would like to be seen!#and seen as someone who is attractive! and wants to have friends! just. god. they should make a being in ur 20s that doesn’t make u sad.#like I don’t hate being fat in the same way as I used to but I do know my life would be easier if I was skinny. and I would be like pretty#or whatever! just. ugh. it doesn’t help that I’m not perceived as like anything other than woman half the time either. I need. a hug.#and more friends I can talk to who aren’t dating each other. I have those but they don’t. talk to me.#so it’s. whatever#roxy talks
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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Istg, I just need Roy to express that he is fond of Jamie. Like he clearly has a soft spot for him, and obv I would love more than anything for them to both admit they love each other and go at it, but I would literally be happy rn if Roy would just admit, to himself and to someone else, that he really does care for Jamie now
I know I shouldn’t say this and jinx it but to me this is happening 1000x and exactly where Roy’s arc is heading. They are undeniably in their bestie era and like THIS from the season trailer:
THAT is definitely Jamie coaxing a smile out of Roy Kent!!!
#it’s the way they’ve both spent 80% of their time together this season#and they also both hate being alone so roy is definitely in his ‘I will train with Jamie for hours every single day because he will let me’#’BUT it’s of course only because I’m sad and lonely about keeley it has nothing to do with me liking spending time with Jamie’#era of DELUSION!!!#but he will get there soon enough. all in good time.#royjamie#Roy Kent#Jamie Tartt#asks#Ted lasso spoilers#ted lasso
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man
#i fucking hate my college i hate the town i hate being here i hate all the people here#everyone who goes here is fucking mean and unwilling to make friends so im never going to make any friends it’s been like two years#and when you don’t have friends to room with you cant get an apartment and you arent allowed to live off campus so im#never fucking getting an apartment and will have to live alone in a dorm where i just sit and cry every day after class because im so lonely#no wonder so many people who go here kill themselves#👍#vent#personal#and the only reason i go here is ebcause my parents forced me to go to college even when i begged to take a gap year because#covid fucking ruined my mental and physical health and they refused so im twice as miserable as i would have been#and i didnt want to pick a school so i just picked this one because i also grew up here and ive fucking hated living here this entire time#i dont know what to do#and i was going to transfer this semester but now i’m in the film program and it’s a top film tv school in the country so i feel like#id be making a worse choice career wise if i were to transfer but im so miserable im so fucking miserable man i cant do it anymore
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I really don't want to have to beg for money again but I'm afraid it might come to that
#I've been trying to pay off the same $500 on my credit card since I registered my car in February#every time I make progress either some unexpected expense comes up#or I just end up doing something stupid#i took a week off work for my mental health#but I used ''vacation'' as an excuse to spend money I had no business spending#I didn't think it was 150 fucking dollars though#but now I feel so disgusting and I hate myself and my mental health is even worse than before#I meeded that time off#and I really needed to have fun#I went out and made a friend and spent the night playing pool with him !!!!!!!!#but I spent 50 fucking dollars at the bar#so I hate myself for it and regret it#but I also hate being alone and lonely all the time and it was the first time I've gone out since February and#I NEED to have experiences and Do Things and talk to people with my mouth and nkt just my fingers#but then I remember that I'm broke and broke people don't deserve to do fun things and I shouldn't have done that#and I hate it#I hate it!!!!!!!#just last year I started Doing Things and going out and having fun and feeling more alive than ever before#and then my fucking car died#and everything has just been truly and honestly awful since the day this year started#and it feels like I'll never get to feel alive again#without literally wanting to kill myself immediately after#I can't take commissions#Ive been trying to finish this one for a month#but I can't afford to live#last night I laid in bed thinking what I can possibly eat thursday besides the spaghetti leftovers in my fridge bc that's only one meal#vent //
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I feel bad that so much of my issue rn is that I’m lonely because I feel like I’m putting a burden on others in admitting this, but like yeah I’m so lonely and I’m worse for it because like I can’t do much about it
#whimsy whispers#I feel like I’m being selfish I feel like a burden I feel like I’m asking too much but like#I’m truly so lonely that I can barely cope and like there just#isn’t much someone who is alone can do about loneliness#I can’t spin it in a positive way I can’t be like wooo inlove solitude I hate it#it’s so very hard to cope with especially when I have to watch other people be close and happy and have people in their lives#people who seek them out and want their company#it hurts even more when those people are the ones who feel like they don’t want to spare a glance towards me#not to be immature and petty but this is a big part of why I’ve left like every single server I’m in#it hurts to see people be happy and friends and wanted and loved#it’s also why I’m like the worst when kane is gone or at nighttime#kane is actually home rn it’s jsut been a bad night ahhfjfk#but he’ll go to see his dad for a few days and I’ll be all alone again#this is all not helped by the fact that I like cannot cope with being alone#as mentioned before I spent a lot of my life growing up isolated from other people I didn’t have peers growing up for a long time#and now when I’m alone/left alone I panic#I’ll even make people eat with me because i don’t wanna be alone I hate being alone I rarely find any comfort in being left alone
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cried for an hour, read some of my depression poetry from fall semester, my mother called, now back to packing up my entire apartment
#I hate having to do all of this on my own#I hate that I’m on my own all the time and yes my friends are being incredibly helpful and generous but it isn’t that#it’s knowing that I always was alone in this place and moving to a place where I’ll likely be just as lonely all over again#and also there’s something uniquely devastating about packing up an entire life that’s solely mine#I hate that all of these boxes don’t mean anything to anyone else#I want someone else to have a stupid Christmas ornament in this box that they specifically look forward to putting up each year you know?#and I want someone’s mugs and books and magnets and mixed with mine#literally the dumbest shit to complain about in the whole world but I guess I’m breaking down tonight sure why not#my stuff#molly moves next week
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also like to clarify.. we were not expecting her to leave. and any time she would have left would’ve been bad timing but it’s like.. this was HER program and we didn’t have enough time to really get to know it as well as she did (and still does probably). and there are so many flaws in it that we didn’t have time to address and our attention was spread so thin bc we were / still are juggling a million things and trying to compensate for the vacancy in our already extremely and egregiously small staff. so i get that the leaders may be feeling unsupported and resentful of that and that is very valid. but it’s like.. if that is in fact the case i think it’s important to know that this is not ideal for us either. we lost the person who knew this program inside and out and we still haven’t recovered and even though her position has been filled now (by my new colleague bestie who is AMAZING and has been helpful and supportive and has gone above and beyond in every way and i adore them don’t get me wrong) we may never fully recover from it or at least we won’t for a very long time. and im not even just talking about like the impact on our work. i mean on us as people who were closely psychically bound together. which sounds freakish and weird but we were. that wound is going to take a long time to fully scar and when the scar forms it will always be there. so excuse us for not putting on a perfect asb less than a year after she left us we are kind of seeing the consequences of all of the horrors right now lol.
#purrs#delete later#i need to not be so fucking bitter about it i know it’s not helpful at all. but it just feels so unfair. i feel attacked. i know we had a#lot of room to grow and we still do but it’s like.. we did the best we could and we’re doing the best we could now. and it just sucks. the#things we thought were going well were not. and the things i need to cope they have grudges about. so like what the fuck ever. it’s like at#this point i hate all of them and never want to see them again. LIKE THE WAY IVE BEEN FUCKING BENDING OVER BACKWARDS over text trying to#help one of them bc she texts me all the time and it turns out she thinks we’re evil??? lol. ok. whatever. like go fuck yourself lmao#<- i need to just get this out of my system bc it’s soooo immature and unhelpful and not how a staff member should respond to this and#posting abt it online is dangerous and has consequences. but i just feel so miserable. and small. and painfully aware of my smallness.#and alone and helpless. and unable to support the people who actually are being responsible and mature and coming to confess stuff to us#even though they’re snitching or whatever. like this shit is so unbelievably fucking stupid and i shouldn’t be letting it get me down but i#just feel very vulnerable to it all rn and lonely. but typing out my thoughts and knowing peopel will read them helps (cringe). ok i should#go to bed now bc we have a very long and early day tmrrw and i haven’t prepared for what im supposed to do AT ALL bc we were in that session#for like 5 hours when it was only supposed to be 1.5 and i didn’t get to eat and my ut*rus is trying to rip my body apart like a wolverine!#* unable to support the ppl who are actually being responsible.. LET ALONE my colleague besties who are each carrying the burdens of this in#different ways and are also processing this difficult news in ways that will have implications for our past present and future! like lollll
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i think starting uni post-covid and living at home is the worst combination in the WORLD actually
#its so difficult to make friends because like#for one nobody talks to each other#like lectures are dead silent and pretty much everyone sits alone#or like. if they do sit with someone they only talk to them in that lecture and nowhere else in my experience LOL#i thought we all hated each other but i imagine a lot of us just like#aren’t used to being around so many people after covid still?#and like i guess it also sort of took out the chunk of time where we should’ve been socialising and having fun in a way#but then i face the living at home stuff#so i don’t even have like flatmates i see daily or something#which makes it so much harder#and i can’t join societies because to be fair all of ours look a bit rubbish but simultaneously a lot are like late evening#and i commute so that’s a nuisance for me#i dunno man it just SUCKS a bit at the moment like#i love doing stuff alone but sometimes i wish i had friends who wanted to do stuff too like#i have friends but none of them wanna do things#and i love my friends a lot but i wanna do things !1!/)2£2#yelling this into the void of tumblr i have to get it off my chest ok#lonely uni students out there i am with you we are holding hands
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im having a bad time !!!
#im fine im going to bed o just have no one to talk to even tho i have ppl messaging me but they dont care about . this.#like i just need someone to hold my hand its not something that can be done online. i guess.#like i would have to have something to say.#i guess imcould say im lonely but what are they gonna do about it? say oh so sad im so sorry ? who cares. who cares#i hate being on my fucking period and i hate being alone for so long. i want to meet up with people but nobody wears a fucking mask so i#cant relax because i have to keep my mask secure while talking and my nose is chronically stuffy because of mold in my flat and#i run out of air while talking and#look. im just having. a bad time right now goodnight. love you#(also the problem w holding hands is that i don't trust people at all and i dont want them getting ideas. i dont like anyone. ugh.)
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whining hours . sry
#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i#just cant imagine it happening again#like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g#to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit#the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t#go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation#+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out#rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking#out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that#and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache#way too quickly and then explode or something. idk#i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots#and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont#have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me#+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk#theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have#stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is#for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part#makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny#it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very#aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate#conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think#itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th#weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk#i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up#<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im#just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but#wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me#like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to#talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings
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sitting on the floor w my ears back and tail down trembling and looking pathetic and soggy
#tongue#theres a delicate balance between wanting to spend more time offline and also socially isolating myself#also i never talk abt it bc lowkey im still embarrassed to exist but being an age regressor is fucking exhausting and depressing#bc i dont Want to but then something happens and im sitting on the floor sobbing and being alone and scared and i hate it#and its kinda a neverending cycle of being insane and isolating and then being lonely but not being able to reach out#and then something happens and i have no support bc i refuse to acknowledge it ever#and then im back on the floor again crying#lalalalalalalalala whatever im crocheting a bed for the cats#and also i put my phone on dnd all the time and dont turn it off bc i forget so i just never reply to ppl#the isolation is 100% my fault if anyone thinks im vagueposting im not
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