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lilywoood · 2 years ago

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You've got a mail 9/15

originally didn't plan on posting anything on Tumblr anymore but I'm having some issues with my AO3 account so to be sure that I'm not loosing anything I'll start to post here again.

Tag list : @comablog2 @justsmilestuffhappens @gxtop @chrrlees @hardychick89 @jb-ap-94 @chioink @peroquenotevean @tk-carlosforlifex @nighting-gale17 @fyeahhipsterdoctor@leslilupe @anthony-e-stark-3000 @haderofthesociety @iamonlyaliveformalex @wearelosersyoudumbfuck @serena040506 @multi-fandom-writing @my-name-i-we

Words count : 2537

Song : Without You - Lana Del Rey

It was like a huge weight was sitting on his chest, he couldn’t breath, couldn’t talk, could’t yell, couldn’t make any sounds, he could only feel the pressure, could only feel a tremendous weight crushing his ribs and keeping him from seeking help.

The pain was so throbbing, that it felt like his organs were being torn apart one by one, breathing became an ordeal, each inhalation piercing his chest, puncturing his lungs and sucking out the little strength and energy he still had left to survive.

He felt like giving up, giving in and letting death take over his battered soul. As selfish as it sounded, he didn't feel like fighting anymore, didn't feel like going on, and after months of struggle, months of suffering he felt ready to bow out.

He could feel Maddie’s arms tightening around his body, could feel her tears wetting his cheeks, could sense the sheer agony and sorrow his sister felt. It was destroying him, tearing him apart, poisoning his blood, killing him faster than his wound, still there was nothing he could do, his body was to weak, and the pain too excruciating, impending him from opening his eyes, averting him from reassuring Maddie.

He was getting tired, darkness was slowly overcoming him, he could feel his force leaving him but it wasn’t peaceful nor quiet like he imagined, he always thought that death was a fast and quick worker, but he was wrong, he felt like death was taunting him, torturing him, mocking him by taking it sweet time.

Maddie didn’t know how to feel anymore, she was lost, confused, numb… It was as if something broke inside of her, no words could describe the state she was in after learning the truth. She couldn't believe that the people Buck trusted, the ones he loved most in the world, were responsible for all the chaos and distress he'd experienced over the past few months. She couldn't believe that they had taken turns torturing, bullying and abusing him so much that death seemed to be his only way out

She was frozen in place, torn between making a scene in the middle of the hospital, avenging her brother and protecting him from his abusers who had come to torment him while he was down, or joining the doctors and nurses bustling around him and fighting to keep him alive.

-Maddie, Chim tried again taking hesitants steps toward her, please.

-No, she whisper yelled, just no I don’t want to see your face, I don’t want to see either of your faces, she added looking at the rest of the team,I’m going to see what’s happening with Evan, I’m going to talk to the doctors and when I come back I expect that all of you will be gone, she added with venom.

-Maddie, Bobby called.

-I said no, she yelled, get the fuck out of here you hear me…

-Miss Buckley, one of the doctor called forcing her to calm down and turn her attention to him.

Immediately panic and anguish took possession of her being, she could sense the pity and sadness in his eyes, as she knew very well this kind of look, she had sported them, she knew what they meant, she knew but she wasn't ready, she couldn't bring herself to hear what those eyes were trying to make her understand.

-Miss, the doctor insisted quietly, please, she shoot a glace to TK who nodded encouragingly, please this way, he pointed to his office.

-I’m serious, she repeated to Bobby and the rest of the team, I want you all gone.

Dr. Daniels' office was warmer than she had imagined, his desk was filled with photos of what appeared to be his family, some of the frames were filled with pictures of his patients or friends, his walls were covered with his diplomas and some of his children's drawings, everything was done to put people at ease, to distract them, to prepare them to hear the news.

Her gaze fell on the doctor, on his piercing blue eyes, on his dark circles, his wrinkles and the traces of time and weariness on his face.

She then took a deep breath and with a slight nod of her head indicated that she was ready to hear what he had to tell her.

-As you already know, your brother's condition is not improving, he began, he should have woken up two days ago, he continued, and if at the beginning we thought that his coma was a psychological one, we have reasons to believe now that the amount of pills ingested by your brother has caused the formation of blood clots

-Are those the reason why he’s still, she trailed

-We’re not sure yet but it could be one of the reason, he sighed tiredly, we put him on blood thinner, and he almost went through another cardiac arrest, he displayed, we’re still monitoring him but…

-But, she croaked

-But you must be prepared for the eventuality that he may never wake up, he announced gravelly.

Her chest was aching, she felt her heart breaking even more, regret and remorse tearing it down, she needed to leave the room, she needed fresh air because she wasn’t sure she could stay there without breaking down.

-Miss Buckley, Doctor Daniels called her.

-I…I need to go, I need air, I need air, she repeated before bolting out of the room.

He was certain that no one would mourn him, confident in the fact that his death would be more beneficial than anything else, he could count on one hand the people who would miss him, and also knew that they would get over it with time, Maddie would grieve him and then her new life would take over and he would be just a memory, as for TK their friendship existed only about three months, three months wasn't enough to have an impact on someone's life, and he would soon become a ghost, a name whispered nostalgically between two talks.

The darkness no longer frightened him, the silence no longer burdened him, and the surrounding emptiness was no longer distressing. He had gotten used to the weight on his chest, he had gotten used to the pain and was no longer trying to fight it, he was ready, he had nothing to lose, nothing to hope for, after all, he wouldn't be missed.

She was exhausted, desperate, depressed, it was as if a part of her body had been ripped off, as if with those few words she had been robbed of the little hope she had left,she knew that Buck was still alive, knew that there was still a chance for him to wake up, she couldn’t help but listen to the little voice telling her that with all the pain he’d been through there were no way that he would keep fighting and somehow she could understant him.

She was wandering aimlessly in the cold hospital coridors, asking herself what could she do, how could she make him change his mind, how could she persuade him to give it one more chance, how could she convince him that this time she would protect him, this time she would be there everystep of the way, that she wouldn’t break her promise for the first man she met.

She shook her head trying miserably not to cry again, she didn’t want to shred another tear, didn’t want to lose hope, she couldn’t afford to imagine the worst.

She didn’t feel like going back yet, didn’t feel like she wanted to hear the rest of what the doctor had to say, didn’t feel like rejoining TK and share with him the disturbing news, and most of all she wasn’t ready to have another confrontation with the 118, she knew they were still there, she knew that they didn’t take her threat seriously they were probably thinking that she had a meltdown and that once she would be more calm they could explain to her why they tortured her brother, she needed to clear her head, to sream, shout, to yell and curse the universe but she couldn’t do it inside, so she left.

She did what she did best, she began to run, to flee away and leave the anguish ,the worries and the pain behind. The cold air of Los Angeles pinched her cheeks and burned her lungs but she didn't care, she continued her run letting a heartbreaking cry come out of her guts, a cry of pain, anger, and despair, she cried so much that fatigue took hold of her, making her fall to her knees, she started to hit the ground with her fist while letting her tears flow freely.

They were still there when she returned, talking quietly to each other and glancing at Buck's bedroom door from time to time, she felt her blood boil in her veins, felt the anger, rage and disgust seize her being, they were probably waiting for her to come back, probably waiting for her to come and reassure them and relieve them of any guilt they might feel.

She approached them with a decided step, discreetly signaling to a committed and supportive TK that she was handling it. Bobby was the first one to notice her and hurried to her side, but one glance from her was enough to stop him.

-I told you to leave, she assessed, I told you that if you stayed you will have to deal with the consequences.

-I know you’re mad at us and I totally understand, Bobby started, but you can’t expect us to leave like this without knowing how he’s doing, he pleaded, we’re a team, a family, he tried

-A family, she chuckled, a family, she repeated angrily, what kind of family bullies one of its own into killing himself, she growled, what kind of family…

-It wasn’t like that Maddie, Chim interjected

-Oh so it wasn’t your constant bullying, hazing, and torture that pushed my brother to swallow twenty-two pills and half a bottle of vodka,she snarked, it wasn’t you ignoring him and resenting him that put him in a fucking hospital bed, she thundered, it wasn’t your fault that he went through two cardiac arrests, that he’s back on blood thinner and might never wake up.

-We…

-You almost killed my brother, she calmly said, you are a bunch of bullies and murderers, and if I lose Evan because of you, she laughed, I’ll bring you down.

-Is that a threat, Bobby asked.

-It’s a promise, she smiled, now leave before I call security.

Bobby gave her a last look before signaling for the rest of the team that it was time to leave, they all followed their captain except Eddie, he hesitantly approached Maddie, hands shoved deep into his pockets.

-I know you don’t want any of us to stay or visit, he started, but Christopher is missing Buck and…

-Carla and Christopher are welcom to visit him, she cutted, you’re not.

-Thank you, he breathed, and Maddie I know…I know it doesn’t change anything but I…

-I don’t want your apology, she interrupted, I’m not the one you have to apologise to, Eddie nodded understandingly, it’s up to Evan IF he makes it, Eddie nodded once more before turning back and leaving.

A wave of relief passed through her after they left, she felt her legs shaking and silently thanked TK when he pulled her to sit.

-I’m sorry you had to see that, she sighed passing her hand through her hair.

-You don’t have to apologize, Carlos smiled, with everything you’re going throught I would be more surprised if you weren’t distressed.

-It’s just...they really though I would have been okay with them staying after everything, she sniffed, they lied to my face and they thought I would forget it.

-People do stupid things when faced with the consequences of their actions, Owen chimed, maybe their guilt was keeping them from leaving.

-My brother is in coma, the doctors aren’t sure that he’ll ever wake up and now they’re feeling guilty, she chuckled tears freely falling down,I’m sorry, she breathed, I’m such a mess.

-It’s okay, TK smiled rubbing her back, we’re there you can cry.

And cry she did, she cried for Evan, she cried for herself, she cried about the situation, about her lack of judgment, she cried about Chim and how he betrayed her, how he betrayed Buck, she cried until she felt her eyes had no tears left, she cried until she felt like she couldn’t breath, she let herself be held by TK and Carlos, she let them confort, encourage her, reassure her that everything would be alright.

-I need to go see Evan, she croaked when she was done, I’ve been avoiding his room since this morning

-Do you want one of us to come with you, TK proposed.

-No, I think…I think we need some brother and sister time together, she breathed raising up.

-Good luck, they encouraged.

-Will you…will you still be there, she hesitated.

-Yes go now, Owen answered, she smiled at them one more time before entering her brother’s room.

He was still sleeping when she walked into the room, the blinds were ajar and the sunlight shone on his pale face, she approached him gently and settled down by his bed, his hands were frozen, deep dark circles hovering under his eyes , his face was sunken with fatigue and stress from the past few months.

She tenderly clasped his hands to her cheeks, desperately trying to bring them some warmth, desperately trying to make him understand that she was there, that she loved him, that she was waiting for him.

She was desperately trying to stay optimistic, trying not to break down and submit herself to despair, but it was easier said than done as his state was so overwhelming that soon she found herself slumping over his body crying and begging the universe to let him come back, to let him wake up, she found herself screaming at the world unfairness.

She sniffed and sobbed in his chest, heart breaking, arms still tightly gripping him, he couldn’t let go, she couldn’t accept it, it wasn’t supposed to end this way.

-Don’t go please, she croaked shaking with sobs, you promised Evan, her voice was quivering with each words, you told me we will always be there for one another, she inhaled deeply trying her hardest to stop crying, I know I messed up, I know I wasn’t there for you lately, she trembled, But Evan I can’t do it without you, she breathed, so please, please I beg you if you hear me please come back, please, she prayed.

Maddie never prayed, not once in her life, she never believed in an almighty force up there, she stopped believing there were a justice to this word, but for Buck she could do it, she could be a freaking believer, could pray days and nights non-stop, could believe good things happened to those who wait, she could be all that and more, just to have her little brother back.

#911 tv #911 fanfic #season 3 buddie #buddie fic #buck x eddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #tk x carlos #tk strand #carlos reyes #tarlos #you've got a mail #crossover fic #911 lone star #911 fox

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