#bruce you lunatic what the actual fuck

[austenpoppy]

I read Scarescrow : year one and I have a lot of thoughts (including the fact that Dick's the real MVP of this story, and also wtf do you mean Scarecrow's fear gas had Dick see two Batmen like the meanings this could have have you thought this through writer) but first, can we talk about the fact that Bruce is absolutely deranged ?? How come no one ever mentions this ?

Scarecrow : year one #2

Dick and Bruce have been investigating Scarecrow's murders and attacks, found out his identity, and managed to prevent him from killing his father. During that encounter, Dick hit Jonathan Crane in the back, allowing Bruce to hold him, until Dick picked up an object Scarecrow'd thrown at Bruce and got hit by fear gas.

This made him see Scarecrow as another Batman (the significance of Dick's greatest fear being Bruce at that age I have no words), which of course gave an opportunity to Scarecrow to confuse Dick while fighting Bruce. Bruce tried to use a mace can against him, but this made Dick think Scarecrow was going to gas Bruce so he threw himself at Bruce thinking this was Scarecrow, and Scarecrow escaped.

After that, Dick and Bruce knew Scarecrow's next victim would likely be his mother, and they interrogated Mr. Crane to know where his former lover lived.

So that's the next scene, right, and Bruce is casually looking at his miscroscope to analyze Scarecrow's costume while Dick is wondering when they're going to save Karen Keeny, growing impatient and worried for her safety. And Dick gets ready to go, and Bruce's first question is "Where're you off to ? It's late." Like, okay, I get it, it's a normal question and they couldn't be sure Scarecrow was going to try to off his mother that same night, but at the same time why is he so casual about this ? Were you thinking Dick was going to drink a glass of eggnog and go to bed, Bruce ?

Dick explains that he's afraid they might be too late to save Karen, and walks toward the door to leave. Bruce calls out to him once, but Dick ignores him so Bruce shouts "Hey ! I'm talking to you !". And, like, again, this could very well be the words of a parent annoyed that their kid's ignoring them but I can't help but find this funny, though I can't quite put my finger on why.

Is it the way those words could also be said by a five-year old to their parent or by a twelve-year old to their friend ? Is it the emphasis on the word "talking" as if it was an out of the ordinary thing to do for Bruce ? Is it the fact that he could've said "come back here !" but chose "I'm talking to you" after only saying one word before that ?

Then Bruce is paraphrasing a basketball player, and I get the point, I really do. He's right to tell Dick it's important to be prepared for one's opponent, but there's something so dramatic about the way he stands there against the light quoting Ed Mcauley as if he were Yoda imparting wise words. He couldn't just explain that if they faced Scarecrow now without preparation, they might get hit with the fear gas again and lose, could he ?

From that Dick concludes Bruce is afraid of facing Scarecrow, and Bruce answers that yes, he is, that those who aren't afraid and "do what [they] do" are like Scarecrow, that is murdering sociopaths. And, you know, it is a great lesson. It's great to teach Dick that it's normal to be afraid of an encounter with someone dangerous, that he should be afraid.

But why is then asking Dick if he wants to be like him ? Just what is the point of that question ? Does he really think this'll work as a rethoric tactic to convince Dick not to go ? How are the two things related ? "You're not afraid to face Scarecrow without being prepared enough, Dick ? Well that's the kind of things that defines this man we've been tracking who drugs people into ripping their own insides out of fear. You wouldn't want to be like that, right Dick ? So stay inside !".

My brave little Dick then goes on to say that it doesn't matter, he has to try to save this woman no matter what, and this is the moment we enter the twilight zone and Bruce goes into deranged territory.

He starts this speech about how Dick blew his chance to capture Scarecrow and won't get another one. And I sort of get the meaning, I guess it was supposed to be about the idea that Dick wouldn't come out okay if he faced Scarecrow again and the conditions stayed the same. But why is he acting like he's talking to a soldier who failed ? Especially considering Bruce himself admitted after Scarecrow escaped that he shouldn't have used the mas can, that it'd confused Dick.

It reads as : "You failed, soldier. You will not get another chance to prove yourself. Let your general do the work."

Then he goes on to say "He doesn't want you anyway, he wants me." Like, hello ? What have you been smoking, Bruce ? Since when has this ever been the point ? I guess you've been angsting about the similarities between Scarecrow and you since the beginning of the story, but why in the world are you making this about what Scarecrow wants ? What about Scarecrow made you think "This man's become my archnemesis and I will not let my son and trusted partner come help me !" ? The two Batmen ? Is this anger and fear about what Dick saw when he was hit with the gas ? I'm just... fascinated by the arguments being used.

I'm obsessed about this "anyway". Why did you use "anyway", Bruce ? Does that mean there might've been a point in Dick's coming if Scarecrow'd wanted him there ?

Why is Bruce sounding like a woman in love with a toxic man and who's berating her rival ?

And all this time, because I haven't even mentioned the worst part yet, he's doing this speech while beckoning Dick, only to pinch a pressure point in his neck to make him unconscious ??

What the hell ?

My man couldn't calmly explain his plan to Dick. Have a discussion about patience. Ground him in the cave. Call Alfred to watch over him. Trap him in that office. Ask him to trust him. Just incapacitate this 12 or 13-year old child (at most, Dick was probably younger than that) without making him unconscious. Do any of those things before going for more extreme methods. No, no, he goes straight for the Vulcan nerve pinch !

And we're not really shown what happened after, and I'm morbidly curious. Did Bruce tell Alfred about this ? Did Bruce carry Dick somewhere so he could rest while he was unconscious ? Did this fucker leave his office while Dick was unconscious on the floor ?

All we know is that when Dick woke up, he and Alfred took an helicopter to go to Bruce, and the most likely interpretation is that when Dick woke up, he alerted Alfred to the situation and they both went there as reinforcements, cursing about Bruce being obsessive and refusing help.

Dick went inside the house, walked in there confidently and cheerfully, Bruce asked him how he was feeling (because he's made this boy unconscious damn it Bruce why are you like this), Dick dismissed the nerve pinch as just another Tuesday before going straight to the baby to hold her and taunting Bruce because he could.

Bruce ended up holding the baby, visibly disgruntled, Dick cooed and marvelled at that while holding Bruce's arm with both of his own. He asked Bruce if he'd like to have a little baby, and Bruce replied by asking Dick whether he'd like to have another Vulcan nerve pinch. And it is funny, but also there's nothing normal about this ??

Scarecrow : year one #2

Never, ever get it into your head there's anything remotely normal about Bruce.

[welcometogrouchland]

An aspect of the comedy would, I believe, be Bruce and Dick's rampant hypocrisy regarding both these relationships. They like Bernard. He's nice! He's a great cook and he makes Tim happy :) and he's not a murderous gothy teenage crime lord :) unlike one of their sons dinner guests :) not to name names :))))))

The fact that no one across all of DC fandom (as far as I can tell) has mined the beautiful comedic potential that is the night and day difference between Tim and Damians current canonical love interests

[racke7]

Corporate War

So, I started thinking about this post.

Specifically, about what a setting with "a corporation of petty lunatics ruining the lives of their rival-company" would look like.

And then I realized:

Fentonworks.

Obviously, a small-time family-business like that won't actually accomplish much of anything, so we're roping in Vlad for this.

Vlad is a billionaire with a massive company, and an unfortunate tendency to come up with hare-brained schemes to seduce a married woman.

What I'm saying is that it's entirely in-character for Vlad to come up with some scheme of "merging" their companies together, and for Team Phantom to do the plucky-teen maneuver and switch the paperwork before he signs it or something.

Thus resulting in Fentonworks suddenly being the owners of Dalv-Co.

Now, obviously, this would upset Vlad quite a lot. But he gave it to Maddie, and now he can't take it back. (Both because of his obsession with her, and because they're always wearing ghost-proof gear, and it would never occur to Vlad to "ask nicely".)

So, now Jack and Maddie Fenton are the proud owners of a massive tech-company. They obviously have no idea what to do about that, beyond "continue inventing cool shit".

But since they're now a filter against Vlad's constant tendency to meddle and make enemies, this actually makes them into a much more successful company (Vlad is silently weeping blood in a corner).

This success finally culminates in the Drs Fenton being invited to a gala by Bruce Wayne, owner of Wayne Enterprises. Everything is going great, and then Jack meets Bruce.

Jack meets Bruce with all of his regular jolly enthusiasm, and Bruce responds with the Brucie-persona of a vapid but probably-good-hearted individual. (He might make a joke about ghosts? I dunno)

Jack comes home to Amity Park a changed man. He comes home with fury and anger and a terrible desire for vengeance.

Maddie thinks that Jack is being melodramatic, but Jack isn't listening. Jack is going to make the greatest invention ever, and then he'll shove it up Bruce Wayne's ass and fire it into space.

Vlad of course takes Maddie's side on this, because he always does that in a desperate hope to score points with her. However, he keeps getting distracted from Maddie by how vicious some of Jack's schemes end up sounding (they're terribly unrealistic, but such enthusiasm).

Vlad ends up giving in to Jack's deranged cackling of vengeance soon being at hand, because this is amazing. Vlad keeps forgetting that he's supposed to be resentful towards Jack for getting "everything Vlad wanted", because Jack shoots him gleefully vicious smiles and it's just-...

"What the fuck, Vlad?! My dad too?!" "I can appreciate a variety of things in life, Daniel. Do try to keep up."

Danny and the rest of Team Phantom quickly decide that they should stop this feud before it gets out of hand.

Sam, having access to rich-folks, gets them invites to a gala with Bruce Wayne in attendance.

And things... don't go to plan.

Tucker comes face-to-face with Tim, the genius CEO of Wayne Enterprises, who compliments Fentonworks for their "quaint" and "retro" designs. Tucker has to be physically dragged away before he can actually declare an open blood-feud to his face.

Jazz has a brief conversation with Dick (the oldest son), and immediately cottons onto the fact that Bruce is... probably not the best dad. As in, if someone drags the man's name through the mud a bit, instead of lauding him for "adopting orphan charity-cases"? He'd have it coming. Jazz washes her hands of this conflict.

Sam manages to corner Bruce, but gets distracted (as always) by some kind of comment about pollution and rights, and-... And Sam is now convinced that Bruce is setting their pollution only barely "below his competitors", as a way to have Poison Ivy attack his rivals. Sam is outraged about this, and now wants to burn down his company around him.

Danny stumbles across Damian, is immediately scoffed at, and promptly decides that, you know what? Actually? Fuck the Wayne-family.

So they return home, and suddenly? Suddenly they're very much on Jack's side in this conflict.

This of course results in them doing a bunch of petty pranks towards WE (same as in the video that inspired this whole AU). But it also results in Batman going insane, trying to track down the "villain" that's targeting WE, and find out if the reason that WE is being targeted is because somebody knows his secret identity (they don't).

Also, I feel like Dani should be allowed to return at the first rumor of a "fun feud" she can participate in. With Maddie doing the Bruce-thing and going "when the hell did we have another daughter?" (Jack is too focused on Vengeance to think too deeply about it, and Vlad keeps actively distracting her whenever she starts trying to question it).

And Jason?

Jason took a long sip of coffee, his eyes not moving from the dark-haired girl who'd just phased through a solid wall. The girl stared at him for a moment, before holding up her finger to her lips in a gesture for silence. "It's for a prank." Jason raised an eyebrow, then glanced at the bag she was carrying with her. A bag filled with what looked like lots and lots of toilet-paper. "To plug the toilets with." The girl explained. Jason imagined that that would cost a lot of money to fix. He took another sip of his coffee. "Don't forget the private toilets." The girl threw him a salute and a wide grin, and then she flew through a different wall. Jason made a personal note to remember to lace Tim's coffee with laxatives.

He's living his best life.

[dickgraysonmybeloved]

Dick, walking into a lounge room: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water?? Steph, twisting around: Y- you were putting it in cold water?? Dick: ... Duke, looking up in horror: Dick. Answer the question, Dick. Dick, awkwardly: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realise there was an actual reason. Steph and Duke: ... Dick: Plus you think I have the patience to boil water? Steph: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes?? Duke, suddenly turning on Steph, wondering what kind of house hes been brought into: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it? Steph, twisting back around to glare at Duke now ignoring dick who takes this opportunity to sneak out: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove? Duke, exhasterated: It takes less than a minute. Steph: DUKE, is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun??? Duke, continuing to argue: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove? Steph: Like seven minutes?? Bruce, walking in with Jason right behind him (something about a motorbike and helmets), hearing the tail end of the convo: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes... less than that if you use a saucepan! Duke, nearly standing up in anger: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? It could break??? Bruce? Is your stove is enchanted?! Jason, turning and leaving before he can get involved because he will get out his guns: Every single person here is a fucking lunatic. Babs, from down the hall: Do none of you own a fucking kettle?! Alfred, horrified about what he has created and now desperately needs to teach them about tea:

[wh33zy]

Questions I’d ask the Writers of S2 but I get increasingly more angry

1. Why did you make Barnaby super scrawny and then have a helmet for hair and give him the face of a child? This grown man is constantly working out to run faster and be stronger, he is almost thirty years old this makes no sense.

Imagine giving Bruce Wayne, a fellow rich English man with dead parents: a bowl cut, barely any jawline, is 100lbs soaking wet, and the smallest button nose in the world fuck right off-

2. Why did you title it Tiger & Bunny when really it was just “Blonde Characters FTW”? Do you guys actually like the non-white characters or not BECAUSE IT’S SO HARD TO TELL!?

3. What was the fucking point of L.L. Audun being in the mix in the first place and then just for him to give up because of how good friends the heroes were? Do you realize how fucking stupid that is?

4. Why the FUCK aren’t Kotetsu and Barnaby allowed to touch each other more than once in this series?

5. So what did Kotetsu personally do to y’all to deserve what you wrote for him in this series and in both movies? Why do we not have the same amount of backstory and villains for just him like Barnaby had? Did you know HE HAD A LIFE BEFORE BARNABY!?? I have to know because I’m convinced Lloyds is real and wrote this cringe ass bullshit.

6. Why did you pick the most fuck ass, OOC ending for Lunatic!??

7. You do realize we did not need nor want the three new heroes right? And that you could’ve at least made them likable and not a waste of screen time? Ryan wasn’t even supposed to be back bruh but because he’s blonde, snarky, and white, he gets an arc/backstory OVER THE FIRST NAME IN THE TITLE OF THE SHOW???

8. So lemme get this straight: you’re going to nerf Kaede’s powers and then lead us to believe she’d make it on PICKY AND JUDGMENTAL HeroTV with them? AND BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID TO KOTETSU, SHE WONT BE HIS ROBIN?? FUCK RIGHT OFF.

9. Do YOU guys even know what Ouroboros is? Did you remember that despite finding his parents’ true murderer, BARNABY WAS STILL INVESTIGATING!??

10. Have you guys ever seen a cool team fight sequence before?? Like at all?? Because I’m gonna lie, the shit we got in the movies and this series was fire! 🔥

11. SO YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT MATTIA TRYING TO CREATE NEXT POWERS IN A LAB, SPECIFICALLY A NEXT BOOSTER THAT COULD BRING BACK KOTETSU'S POWERS AND THEN DO FUCK ALL WITH THAT!? HUH!?

welp I’m gonna go and finish up writing the next chapter for the season of this show that I wanted and then punch a wall or sum. Night everybody. ✨✨✨

[weebsinstash]

It would be hilarious if batsis! Reader managed to flee her dimension but ended up in like, Earth 63 a.k.a DC VS. Vampires universe.

Reader unlocks a metagene or finds an Apokolops Motherbox that let's her warp to other dimensions and she tries to run from the Batfam by 'jumping' and just runs into infinitely worse reincarnations of them

Like just for example uhhhh I know this is a separate character for a moment but have you considered how absolutely unhinged yandere Superman from the Injustice timelines would be. He loses Lois and his unborn child and he's in full "you know what, not only is murder ok, what if I bonded with Brainiac's ship and literally became a brainwashing fucking fascist" mode and he winds up transferring a lot of trauma and misplaced affection and obsession onto you like, and that's on top of the other unhinged shit like killing Shazam who is you know, not that he knew but that's literally a child, he accidentally but still did indeed murder a child, and even after learning the truth he's like eh sacrifices must be made, and like, THE BAD ENDING? He literally figures out how to rob people of free will and JUMPS at the opportunity like, this scene is genuinely horrifying "You make the right choice or I make it for you" like oh my god i would actually kill myself before I let him get his hands on me

Then you have not exactly a universe but more of a timeline but, you want to talk about unhinged alternate versions, we literally have Flashpoint Thomas Wayne. Bruce brutalizes locks up and or frames and even sends away anyone who messes with you. Thomas just outright fucking kills them. Thomas literally has nothing to lose and has no qualms against being an absolute menace. Like god romantic/sexual yandere are always my cookies and cream but like platonic yandere Thomas would either be the most terrifyingly protective person you'd ever met or extremely soft to you and you alone because he's already lost his family, his CHILD, so like, absolutely fuck your chances if you stumble upon him and he forms some kind of bond

Just also imagine just as a general concept like the whole universe travelling thing basically plops you down in the same place just different worlds and how either convenient or terrible that would be. You wind up jumping from the Batcave straight into the Owlcave. You go from the Watchtower to The Crime Syndicate's HQ or some other evil Justice League. But alternatively in more positive twists, from a Joker hideout being kidnapped to like.... the Lego Batman movie where him and Bruce are just chilling on the couch eating popcorn and also I still have to watch that movie I hear it's absolutely adorable ����❤️ or you go from a Gotham that is just genuinely fucking awful, not even the smallest sparks of joy, crime and lunatics everywhere, full on edgelord comic book world some real The Boys But The Horrible Comic Version shit, and you wind up jumping from that to Brave and the Bold Bruce and get to basically relax and be your inner kid in full on superhero camp wackiness like genuinely BatB is soul healing in it's genuine, idk, wholesomeness like look at these dorks

While on the subject of heroes and such I'm trying to remember how much I actually wound up reading/watching through YouTube videos of the Invincible comic bc I'll be real I'm still down pretty bad for Nolan Grayson 😩 actually him and Superman give me very similar ideas of "oh what if you turned out to be a member of my species and I want to either train you or adopt you or mate you or whatever and I'm occasionally being casually terrifying about it" like idk if I mentioned this before but like, imagine finally learning how to fly and you get found out by Nolan (or Clark) and they literally help fly you all the way back home and like, it genuinely IS to make sure you get home, you just learned to fly and you could very easily get lost, but also like, they're following you home as you demand them not to and you're so inexperienced with any sort of fighting that if you tried to punch whichever one in anger they'd just like catch your fist and be like "oh wow you can hit harder than most your age that's really impressive 😊" but like very, very much still fending you off like you're not that much different than a human to them

I feel like I should often be, how do I put this, I love adhd ranting about shit and explaining things to people so I kinda feel like sometimes I should genuinely just talk about certain things to introduce them to people who have no idea what I'm talking about because like, idk I often talk and refer to things in ways only consumers of that media would understand and I could occasionally like you know link a clip or ramble or something to include other people? For example, this is an example of why I think Nolan is scary but also like in a sexy controlling way 😏 you know, hypothetically. And like he literally tried to teach his son a horrifying tough love "humans don't matter earth doesn't matter only we viltrumites matter fuck earth lets conquer it for our race" lesson by literally holding his son's body up in a subway to be hit by the oncoming train and let his invulnerability literally rip the passengers inside the train apart while his son was SCREAMING IN HORROR BY THE WAY. And also still scary but more mildly, did I ever reblog that Superman art where he's got you up in the air with him and your like extreme fear of heights has you clinging and hugging onto him because, also something both of them would do 🥰 cuddles because you don't want to be dropped and die! Not that they would do it but, you know, bonding, yay! ❤️

[pluckyredhead]

Red Hood and the Outlaws #2 (2011)

I'm continuing to make choices.

At least Roy remembered to string his bow this time.

When we last left our hero, he had returned to the headquarters of the All-Caste to find a dead old woman named Ducra. Issue #2 begins with a flashback of Talia taking a recently resurrected Jason to "the Hundred Acres of All," which I guess is supposed to sound cool but just makes me think of Winnie the Pooh. Jason meets Ducra, he sasses her, she kicks his ass but agrees to train him.

Cut to "three hours ago" and Jason and Roy on a plane:

Jason dresses extremely formally in this run and it does feel pretty incongruous to me because Jason doesn't strike me as someone who cares for formality or appearances. I've chosen to headcanon this as Jason rigidly emulating Alfred and Bruce's notions of adult male fashion, especially in situations in which he's uncomfortable, because if he can project wealth and power the way Bruce does, maybe people won't see his painful backstory and soft underbelly. It doesn't really work with Jason's love of telling everyone his trauma to make them feel bad for him, but...look, man, RHATO is incredibly bougie, I don't know what to tell you.

Roy, meanwhile, is essentially just a series of scribbles. "Stage three clinger" is kinda funny, though.

(Roy is actually historically very, very good at not clinging to the people who are constantly abandoning him, but he latches onto Jason for dear life. I know that's because this Lobdell has never read a Roy comic before this, or anything at all including a cereal box or his own sentences he has just written, but I choose to believe it's because Jason is special.)

Oh, Isabel, honey. Don't bother climbing unprofessionally into the next seat like a lunatic. The man is Undateable.

(I'm not posting every panel but on the next page she gets him a second drink - "Soft drink, extra ice" - and Jason's like "Good memory!" "SOFT DRINK" IS NOT THE NAME OF A DRINK. "Liquid in a cup." "Good memory!")

Anyway Isabel hurls herself at Jason for a few more panels and then gives him her number and Jason fully and completely cannot process it for some reason:

I know Jason is supposed to come off in this series like a cool macho dude getting all the ladies, but scenes like this just...don't work? If Jason is supposed to be a stud who has already hooked up with Talia, Essence, Rose, and Kori, why can he literally not complete a sentence here? I feel like this reads much more like a very, very young man who missed most of his teen dating years to death and vengeance and has very little experience.

They arrive in Hong Kong, where Kori meets them in a limo. Why fly away from Kori and then meet her in a limo? Apparently just to show Jason and Kori both spending conspicuously so that readers will know they are rich and therefore cool, and for no narrative or characterization purpose. How did Kori get money? Hush your mouth.

Is the "gorilla" in the room Dick? Both Kori and Jason explicitly stated in the previous issue that she doesn't remember him, so why would she be upset here? Is it that Jason and Kori have supposedly slept together and now Roy and Kori are sleeping together? Both Jason and Kori have ALSO explicitly stated that they don't care. Is this dialogue meaningless? Yes!

Jason refuses to take them to his safe house because last time he did they "soiled [his] sheets," which I'm taking as confirmation that they did in fact fuck in his bed last issue. In the safe house, he finds a woman named Suzie Su and her henchmen, who he quickly shoots a bunch and seemingly kills. We don't know who Suzie is or why this matters.

Cut to the team jumping out of a helicopter over the Himalayas during a freak thunderstorm, where we learn that Jason has gloves with metal wings that allow him to fly or at least glide. This is dumb, but it's extra dumb when you remember that Lobdell gave Tim an almost identical gimmick at the same time in Teen Titans. (He writes Jason and Tim identically in general: hyper competent and extremely bougie Gary Stus with the comebacks of a dull 12-year-old.)

They land in the All-Caste HQ to find everyone dead.

NOW HOLD ON JUST A DING-DANGED MINUTE. In issue #1, we explicitly saw Jason leave Roy and Kori in bed and come here for that scene in the middle panel, alone. Now supposedly Roy and Kori are there? We are an issue and a half in and there's already a massive continuity error? WHY DID THIS MAN GET PAID TO WRITE THIS BOOK FOR TEN YEARS???

The All-Caste come back as zombies (why? not explained) and the Outlaws fight them while Jason flashes back to being trained by them, which is just another generic fight scene. At one point Jason calls the All-Caste warriors "the greatest people I have ever known," but like...we haven't gotten a chance to know any of them, so who cares.

Anyway. Jason is sad, and then tells the others "Let's go kick some ass...team." THE END.

Here's the thing. Whenever you're starting a new story, a new comic, a new universe, whatever, there are always going to be things the reader doesn't know, and gradually learns as the story unfolds. It's not a bad thing that there are some unanswered questions.

However, we don't have any actual sense of who the All-Caste were, what they can do, or how long Jason stayed with them. We aren't shown any significant interactions or relationships between him and Ducra or the generic warriors, none of whom have names or distinguishable faces. There's a little uncreatively quippy dialogue from Ducra, but no actual reason for us to care. To follow this plotline, we need to either like Jason or understand the importance of this relationship or the stakes of the Untitled, and none of that has been sold in these two issues. In fact, I don't think the Untitled are even mentioned in this issue. (I mean, I do like Jason, but not because he wore a fat suit, bragged about fucking Kori, and killed some people, which is all he's done so far in this book.)

We also don't know who Essence is or what her history is with Jason or the All-Caste. And we don't know who Suzie Su is, why she was in Jason's safe house, or whether it matters that he (apparently) killed her. We know nothing about Kori except that she knows nothing about herself, and even less about Roy.

Again, some questions are fine and even good, but this many questions makes the book a parade of disconnected, uninteresting events we don't have any reason to care about. Which isn't a big deal when you're marathoning the series through dubious means in 2023, but I sure as hell wouldn't have paid $2.99 every month for this shit back in 2011.

[stephenjaymorrisblog]

The Torah Versus the Koran

Stephen Jay Morris

5/14/2024

©Scientific morality

            Well, here we are in the Twenty First century. Not only do we not have solar powered, flying cars, but we still have religion! You know—the Abrahamic kind. The number one religion on planet Earth is Islam, second is Christianity, and last, but not least, is Judaism. Within Christianity, everything is in threes. You remember:  there were the Three Wise Men who visited Christ when he was born. There was Christ’s family, aka “The Holy Family,” Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. Then, there’s “The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” 1-2-3! The reason Christianity was created is because the Jewish religion consisted of nothing but rules, rituals, and abstractions of God. In other words, it was a stupid religion. So, White people created a stupider version of Judaism: Christianity! The symbol of Christianity is the cross, on which Christ got crucified. As Saint Lenny Bruce said, and I am paraphrasing here: ‘Good thing Jesus didn’t get the electric chair. If he had, the symbol of Christianity would be an electric chair and every Christian would be wearing an electric chair around their neck!’

So here we are in 2024, and vast members of humanity still believe in an old man with a long, grey beard and hair sitting on a throne, watching the race of human’s he created destroy each other. Groovy, Baby! And why do people believe in God? Simple: Thanatophobia! Say that ten times fast. What does Thanatophobia mean? The fear of death. Everyone is worried that their life will end when they die. As science progresses and finds a cure for death, religion will die faster. We are still being subjected to superstitious, primitive minds. No, they are not bad people, but they are a roadblock to progress. Here is one based quote: “I have examined all the known superstitions in the world, and I do find our particular superstition, “Christianity,” has one redeeming feature. They are all based on fables and mythology. Thomas Jefferson.” I am sorry I won’t be around for the Neo-Age of Enlightenment. Until then, we are stuck with primitive pea brains.

The religious creeps get upset when you state: “Religion has killed more people than any other cause.” Their retort: “What about Communism?” Well, you’re the one that calls communism a religion. So, shut the fuck up! Now, it is not only common people who are primitive minded; leaders of Islamic Theocracies like Islam, and the one Jewish State. Israel’s prime minister, Netanyahu, uses the bible verse about the Amalekites, from the Book of Exodus, to justify his genocide of the Palestinian people. Why do the Palestinian people get compared to an ancient race? Because it’s a political methodology to appeal to the conservative and orthodox Jews. Reform Jews think Benny is full of shit! In this fable, King Saul tells the Jews to kill all women and children who are Amalekites. Nice story. I remember the Jewish Defense League use to quote this bible verse and—I’m  paraphrasing once again: ‘Wake up early before your enemy does and slay them.’ Nice quote. Thus, the Torah gives permission to Jews to be violent.

Hamas are Islamic fanatics, and members of the Likud party are Jewish lunatics.  Actually, the Likud party came from the revisionist Zionist movement of the 1930’s. They were anti-socialists who wanted to tear down the Kubutz and replace them with mini malls.

Thanks to good old American Imperialism, the CIA put a stop to the potential communist takeover of the Middle East. They supported any Islamic terror state, because, after all, it’s better than having a Godless commie state. Thank you, CIA. Thanks for helping Islamic fanatics blow up the Twin Towers!  I’m going to repeat again, my point: The reason the Communists didn’t use nuclear bombs was because they were atheists: they didn’t believe in the afterlife. The Islamo- terrorists fully believe in the afterlife and wouldn’t blink one eye at using nukes. Some hard-core Likud members are calling for Gaza to be nuked, and some Christian Nationalists in the USA are advocating it, also. Why should they worry about a nuclear winter and massive radiation poisoning? They’re going to get raptured and go to the great super bowl in the sky! Muslims, when they the kick the bucket, will go to heaven and screw 27 virgins! Then there are Jewish Anarchists, like me, who want to live another 10 years and enjoy what is left of my life.

Now, here is my solution to this whole Mid-East situation: Dear Israeli people, You must go back to your socialist roots. Revisionist Zionists will destroy little Israel. First thing is to have a general strike. Second, outlaw the Likud party. Arrest your Prime Minster and put him on trial. The Likud party is no different than Hamas. Israel is being occupied by Judeo-Fascists. Jews who are in love with freedom should have a revolution.

Free Israel! Free Palestine! Free the whole world!

[undiscovered-horizon]

"Despicable" - yan!Bruce Wayne x Reader

A/N: currently reviewing my book to send it out AGAIN because apparently, I can't let go

🫀REQUESTS ARE OPEN🫀 || Batman-inspired playlist

SUMMARY: While Seline is Bruce's eyes at 44 Below, he spots someone absolutely showstopping. Unfortunately, you're Joker's girl. Bruce is determined to save you from that despicable criminal.

WORDCOUNT: ~ 1.2k

[TW: yandere themes, explicit language]

Part of Bruce was glad he didn't step foot inside 44 Below. Judging from what Seline was showing him, it was nothing more but a relatively glorified dive bar. It seemed as if corruption could be the sweetest fruit if one simply made it look out of reach or in some way special. It was the pinnacle of human pride and greed to always desire the unattainable.

Despite the supposed prestige of the underground club, he could hardly notice anything out of the ordinary when compared to any other bar one could find in Gotham: young women in skimpy clothing and old, rich men who salivated over them. Drugs. Alcohol. Smuggling. Trafficking. The only visible difference was very superficial - their clothes and jewellery were significantly more expensive. Aside from that one easy-to-overlook detail, 44 Below was exquisite in its lack of exceptionalism.

The swarm of people seemed to be unending. Although the lower level was supposed to be more deluxe, more selective, there was about the same amount of people as on the upper level. Seline was walking through crowds of personalities too important or powerful to want their attention on her. Turning her head in all directions possible, she had nearly given herself whiplash when her stare merely glazed over a figure so brilliant they could hardly be perceived as real; an after-image of a fabulous fantasy:

"Wait, turn around. That woman in a green dress by the bar. Who is she?"

"Fuck no, Bruce," she hissed back at him as she continued marching on. "You know a guy who goes by 'Joker'? The psychopathic mass murderer? That's his girl."

"Look at her," he demanded again. "I need time to scan her face. What do you know about her?" It was a generous half-truth: while he did need time to perform scans, he didn't need yours specifically.

Seline let out a heavy sigh. Reluctantly, she directed her eyes towards you - leaning against a bar, drinking an Old Fashioned, and nibbling on honey-coated roasted cashews. Needless to say, you were completely oblivious to the attention you were getting at the moment. If you could have your way, you wouldn't have been there - 44 Below was an over-glorified workplace for you, waiting for someone who might need a little favour they're willing to repay for.

Bruce's thoughts were running rampant but they lacked coherence. There was a strange feeling in his chest - one he couldn't quite name but it was completely overwhelming and it forced his attention to focus on you. His eyes were eating up your image, his insatiable hunger only grew as he stared at you. The longer he admired your aloof demeanour, the more he was unable to find any flaw in your appearance. It seemed like something taken out of a cliche movie: a diamond found among the filth. How could you have ended up with some lunatic?

You were leaning against the bar counter, bored out of your mind as if you were waiting for someone to show up and get you away from that disgusting place you never quite fit into in the first place. He could be that someone... He wanted to be.

"Ever since Joker got locked up, she's taking care of the business. The whole operation went deep underground and now even the unimportant people wear designer clothes."

"How do you know all that?"

"Penguin's her fan." Seline seemed to not have noticed the lack of emotions in his tone. Bruce wasn't very interested in the criminal part of your life - it will all be left in the past soon enough. "Oh, shit, she noticed me."

Bruce's heart jumped in his chest as if there actually was something that could frighten that man or take him by surprise. Staring at the screen, he met your warm gaze. Words became stuck in his throat, completely awestruck, although you weren't even looking at him per se - you didn't even know about his presence. And he realized he knew no greater frustration.

"Hey, Seline, how are things going on?" you asked. The cheerfulness of your voice seemed genuine. "Haven't seen you working 'round here before."

Dear God, how he began yearning the moment he heard your voice. What darkness and bliss would it bring him to hear you speak his name?

"I'm doing some overtime."

To Bruce's utmost pleasure, you leaned towards Seline. Your face was the only thing on his screen and he truly wished it could stay like that.

"The offer still stands," you whispered. Your eyebrows raised slightly and your eyes had that soft gloss over them. "Give me a call and you'll make a better dollar in better circumstances."

"What offer?" Bruce inquired but Seline ignored him.

"Thank you but I'm still not interested. I'm good."

She promptly turned around and began walking away, her eyes shying away from the bullyboys you brought with you. Rumour had it they didn't need much to happily get involved.

"What offer, Seline?" Bruce repeated. He sounded impatient.

"None of your business," she spat out as she entered the bathroom.

His eyes became bloodshot and dry from staring at the computer for so long. He knew not how many hours had passed and, to be frank, did not care. Nirvana was playing in the background but he barely registered the sounds. None of his attention could be diverted from the picture of your face. Bruce knew perfectly well what he had to do, it was the question of how that kept him up until the early hours of the morning.

The obsessive thoughts inside Bruce's head were too loud to let him hear Alfred come in. "Who's that?"

"Someone important," he answered quietly. For a moment he felt angry that someone else was looking at you but he quickly dismissed that thought as he did with most of his emotions.

It was true but not in the way Alfred understood. Perhaps, Bruce himself did not yet understand the nature of your importance. It was as if he was frantically evacuating and kept asking other people what was going on; smoke was burning his eyes but he did not know the source of the fire.

Seeing as Wayne was even less talkative than normally, Alfred silently left him to continue doing whatever it was that he was doing. Sometimes he got tired of nagging at a grown man.

As it was mentioned before, Bruce knew what he had to do - it was a fact, not a thesis that had to be proved. He was going to save you from that animal you lied to yourself you loved. Bruce had a habit of subduing his feelings, therefore he told himself that it was simply his duty to return your independence to you, completely ignoring the overwhelming yearning that burned throughout his body. He made up his mind that he was going to save you from the filth you'd been stained with, no matter whether you wanted it too. Bruce had seen evil and he was convinced he knew what was best for you.

Oh but Cupid could be a truly despicable beast.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I would love to know your rankings of the live action (+ podcast) Bruce Waynes. :)

Janie you are one of the best tumblr mutuals anyone could ask for. so reasonable, never absorbed by stupid discourse, so fun to talk shit with. you were also sent from hell to kill me.

disclaimer 1: I'm excluding the 40s Batman serials because I haven't seen them and even I don't love committing to a bit so hard that I'm willing to watch them to make one (1) 5 note post.

disclaimer 2: all of my opinions are right and I'm not interested in arguing with anyone about any of this.

anyway, let's get rolling. as with the Riddler, we'll be proceeding chronologically!

Adam West (Batman '66) - 10/10

the sixties Batman series gets a lot of shit for being excellent, and I for one will not stand for it! its biggest crime is, I think, being itself and having a good time; it's stupid and charming and really funny, and I think Adam West is a rock solid foundation on which to build the show. his Bruce is a freak of the unflinching normie, devastatingly upright and pathologically wholesome while also a bit of a skank. I suspect he's too chummy with Republicans and yet I trust him with my life. I could write entire essays about what's going on with this man's masculinity. also worth noting that Batman 1966 is like, easily my second favorite live action Batman movie of all time. I love him, your honor.

Michael Keaton (Batman 1989 and Batman Returns) - 10/10

my BELOVED. for those of you wondering when I said '66 was my second favorite movie YES, Batman Returns is the first! Michael Keaton's Bruce is a grade-A freak of the week and I want to wrap him in a weighted blanket about it to see if that will possibly calm him down. his films are great because he's used sparingly, something that no fucking Batman movie knows how to do anymore, and it makes the screentime he does have so much more effective. his Bruce/Batman contrast is stunning - his Batman is an unblinking stalwart lunatic in a suit so crunchy he can barely move; his Bruce a charmingly inept sad sack in a sexy little sweater. and I can't even start talking about his dynamic with Michelle Pfeiffer's electric Selina Kyle or we'll be here all day. chef's kiss, Mr. Keaton.

Val Kilmer (Batman Forever) - Kiss From a Rose/10

right off the gate I would like to acknowledge that whatever else I may say about him, Val Kilmer has the most kissable mouth of any Batman. look at him! good for you, Mr. Kilmer!

anyway, I'm gonna level with you gamers: I've made absolutely no secret of my distaste for Batman Forever, which I think is genuinely dumber and worse than Batman and Robin. Kilmer's Bruce is serving us almost nothing; he's a stale whole wheat cracker to whom things are incessantly Happening. he's being aggressively propositioned by Nicole Kidman when he's Batman and by Jim Carrey when he's Bruce; Tommy Lee Jones keeps trying to murder him while giving a performance that would seem absurdly over the top if he weren't right next to the aforementioned Carrey; and he's just adopted a poor little 25 year old orphan with some serious attitude problems. everyone in this film is so much at all times, and between that and Joel Schumacher's intensely questionable direction I don't really blame Kilmer for deciding to say fuck it and make Bruce more of a mannequin than a man. I think there are some intriguing glimpses of the Batman that could have been here and there in his role, but he's ultimately done in by being trapped in an unspeakable clusterfuck of a movie.

George Clooney (Batman and Robin) - Bat Credit Card/10

where West's Bruce sidles through life with a veneer of normalcy that seems to be just barely concealing the potential to throw someone out a window at any moment, Clooney's Bruce genuinely seems like he's got his shit together. he actually seems to be reflecting the character arc he's limped through across three previous films and two recast actors, and as a result is so well-adjusted and fatherly that it's almost unsettling. who is this very normal man? why is dressing up like a bat to fight Austrian Mr. Freeze and drag queen Poison Ivy? surely he should be filing his taxes or going to a parent-teacher meeting to discuss his 30 year old son's behavior in class.

Christian Bale (Dark Knight Saga) - 3/10

real talk, friends: I don't remember Bale's performances that well, because I haven't watched one of his Batman movies since the Dark Knight Rises came out in theaters. I do not recall liking the movie, nor having any particularly favorable reaction to Bale at any point in the trilogy. I always felt his strongest performance was "Bruce Wayne being Batman playing idiot billionaire Bruce Wayne," portraying the pretense of Bruce better than he played either a sincere Bruce or Batman. dare I say it, I don't think Christopher Nolan let him be enough of a weirdo. disappointing underutilization of a man who who is extremely willing to be unhinged. three stars.

Ben Affleck (Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Justice League) - 10/10

I'm just going to say upfront that Ben Affleck's self-written/produced/directed/starred in Batfamily movie is my pop cultural white whale and I'm going to die mad about it, which should probably give you an indication of where this one is going. Batfleck is so perfect to me. that is my baby baby 40-something year old boy with manic depression and homicidal tendencies. is he going through a bit of a grimdark phase? yes. duh. it happens! but he feels soooo bad about it, and he spends the next movie getting bullied by literally everyone to make up for it. he's just so TIRED. this is a Bruce who's SEEN SOME SHIT. he's canonically lost a Robin; he's a grieving dad! he's broken and he's trying and more than any other Bruce I can see him driving around a minivan full of bastard parkour children. every day I miss him.

Robert Pattinson (Thee Batman 2022) - 10/10

when I heard certified real-life freakboy Robert Pattinson had been cast as my personal favorite fictional freakboy I felt hope about a DC movie announcement for the first time in years. and you know what? it was justified. Pattinson is a very specific take on Bruce Wayne that I definitely don't think works in all settings - a Bruce for all seasons he is not. but within his own miserable, wet little Gotham he can do no wrong. I love this pale, pathetic insomniac. I love that he hates eye contact. I love that he barely seems to willing to eat or sleep. I love how obviously confused he is in his attraction to Zoë Kravitz's Selina. I love that after the film's climax we find him covered in filth and working tirelessly to dig civilians out of rubble, offering comfort where he can. I'm so genuinely excited to see this version of Bruce continue too grow. that's my SON.

and since you threw in podcasts for no reason that I can immediately discern

Winston Duke (Batman Unburied) - 10/10

Winston Duke's take on Bruce is so profoundly dear to me. like Pattinson I think he's not exactly an archetypal Bruce but what he's serving is perfect for this universe, not least of all because Duke is voice acting his ass off. his Bruce is warmer and more emotionally vulnerable than most - he tells Alfred he loves him! - while maintaining the requisite cocktail of mental illnesses that makes Batman what he is, which makes him a wildly compelling narrator to ride along with. his Batman voice arrives late in the story but is absolutely worth the wait; Duke is bringing something positively primordial to the Bat that makes you understand instantly why the folks of Gotham might assume he's some kind of inhuman monster (something that also plays well with the fact that Duke's Bruce is, presumably, meant to be understood as a Black man, which puts his vigilante activities and difficult relationship with the police in a very different light than any white Bruce's). cannot wait to get more of him when the blessed second season drops and drills holes in my brain; you've all been warned that I will be unhinged at that time.

[leoleolovesdc]

I was gonna js comment but this got long so let’s start:

Barbara is Cass’s mother figure. They’re not sisters, they’re not friends, they’re mother and daughter. Cass herself has said so. Babs takes care of Cass, fights with Bruce about what should be better for her well being, etc. She’s a child of divorce at her core even though her parents (Bruce and Babs) were never married.

Portraying Dick as sunshine boy or smug cop are both wrong. He’s a human being and all the extremes are just awlful writing. He’s not a overly sexual womanizer (he barely even cares about sex at all) but he’s also not a prude. He’s not a perfect person but he’s also the example of hero community. There are characters that you can’t just put into a singke label and doing it just ruins any depth he may have had in the past.

Damian only works as a kid character, making him grow up and especially that fast was a mistake. His behavior can be excused as a child, he’s a kid, he’s still learning, he grew up in a utopia with people telling him he was gonna be a leader when he grew up, but keeping this attitude up as a teen or adult makes him insufferable. Also, his backstory sucks, the only good things were stolen from Cass and it just makes absolutely no sense.

Tim is a very bland and nothing character. He was created to be relatable so he has basically no personality and can be written however one likes, which makes him very hard to enjoy. You may read current Tim comic and he is the smartest goodest bestest boy alive! You read a Red Robin comic and he’s a fucking suicidal lunatic. You read a og 90s comic and he’s literally just a smug-ish but over all nice teen boy. You can’t track down Tim’s personality because he has no personality. He’s been everything which ultimately makes him nothing.

Barbara is not nice. I can’t stress this enough, she’s mean, making her a nicey goody two shoes doesn’t work. Let my girl be mean again. She’s bad at communicating, she wasn’t that good of a mother to Cass (though she did have good intentions), neglected Stephanie’s feelings and obvious need of training and support and though always calling Bruce out on his bullshit sucked at acually trying to help the people that he hurt. She’s a overworked and very traumatized person with a lot of issues, everything that goes wrong is always dumped on her, she makes mistakes, she treats people badly and that’s okay, that doesn’t make her a bad person, just a normal one.

Bette Kane and the Fab Five are Dick’s original childhood friends. It was a huge mistake to try to change it to Babs or the New Teen Titans when they only met him way later in life. Actually, now that I mentioned it, Barbara was supposed to be in between Dick and Bruce’s age, even when they got together for the first time there was some big age gap. She was never supposed to be his age.

The batfam girls are literally so much more enjoyable than the guys. I don’t hate the “batboys” (even though I hate this nickname💀💀) but the girls are just way cooler and more interesting characters.

Talia’s character assassination is pretty much Damian’s fault. If he had never existed (or at least made canon) Morrison would have no reason to write her as badly as they did. The rape was a excuse to make sure that Bruce wouldn’t know Damian existed and the abuse just created to give him a tragic backstory of some sort (which, as I mentioned, was just a worse version of Cass’ backstory).

Steph Brown is one of the best characters in the fam and deserves more love from the fandom and writers. She’s much more interesting than many of the “main” boys and the fact that her feelings and opinions are never explored is just a crime.

Bruce being broody, mean and overly serious doesn’t work that well for his character. Batman was created as a smug bitch who made fun of his enemies and always tried enjoying at the job. Of course he took it seriously, but when the threat was small he was alright with quipping and having fun with Dick. Literally just let the man smile, he used to be such a goof and it was one of his best encarnations. However, being funny sometimes doesn’t change the fact that Bruce was ALWAYS bad at communicating. He wasn’t always a bad father but very bad at talking to people, yes. He didn’t inform Dick of things properly and often caused misunderstandings that made him upset, but that’s it. No hitting, no unnecessary meanness. He cares abot his family more than about his own life and would never hurt them on purpose.

There’s not a problem with having a lot of batfamily members as long as you write them all properly and don’t sideline anyone (which seems to be a unknown concept to DC, so yeah).

Bruce would still be Batman if his parents hadn’t died. This has been explored in some older comics, but prettt much forgotten nowadays. Bruce is empathetic at his nature. He loves Gotham and proteting her, if his parents survived the incident he would still get shocked by the violence and work to become someone who is able to stop it.

Stephanie saw Bruce as a parent figure and that’s why their relationship was so convoluted. Steph has a history with trying to find men to somehow replace her father as actually good role models (read Secret Origins and you’ll see a bit of that) and she saw Bruce as a safe guy. He has adopted and cared for children before, he’s a hero, he fights crime, he’s the exact opposite of Arthur and seemed to respect her (at least in their first interactions), but that was the worst scenarion possible for Bruce, who (canonically) saw too much of Jason on Stephanie and got afraid that if he let her in, trained her, grew attatched to her she’d just die like Jason and he couldn’t deal with loosing another child, so he preferred to just pretend that he was not important to her, even though he very much was and now their relationship is a hot mess because of that.

Thomas Wayne was probably not a very good father. We know little about him but the few comics which flesh out his relationship with Bruce usually portray him as neglectful or even abusive.

Cass either communicating via ASL or normal english are both pretty stupid. She probably understand those languages (mixing a bit with understanding what people mean via context and body language) but speaking them should be weird and hard for her. I personally would write Cass as having her own “language”. Ways in which she figured out how to communicate properly without using words or languages. That could include gestures, signals and obviously a few words here and there. She can learn to speak I just think that shouldn’t be her main way of communication.

Bruce isn’t distant from people because of his trauma (though that did help) he has always been described as a introverted, shy and friendless child. With time he did learn to be more open and even to play people with his Brucie Wayne persona, but he’s just bad at relationships, that wouldn’t be changed by circumstances.

Tim and Jason having a good relationship is some insane levels of bullshit. They would have never gotten along, writers and fans should leave it at that. Jason tried to kill Tim and Tim was shit talking recently deceased Robin!Jason Todd from day one. It’s way funnier to build a dynamic around them bickering and hating each other’s guts than having a meh relationship that makes zero sense with any tiny bitsy of context.

Somethings in comics should just be ignored, retconned or changed. Sometimes stuff is written by people who have personal biases on a character or situation and doesn’t actually make sense within the narrative (cough, cough, Morrison about Talia), however there’s stuff that also feels patronizing to disregard. For example; Stephanie died and that has never been adressed after her return. Like, yeah, it was shit that she was killed off by sexist writers who hated her on the first place but now we should get to at least talk about it???

Jason Todd’s return and motivation makes zero sense. Bruce doesn’t kill, Jason knows that. He has the right to be pissed off about it, of course he has, but trying to force Bruce to kill Joker is just bullshit. You want your revenge? Do it, Batman walked off, he is letting you do it, but no, he wants his father who is very known for not crossing that one line to be a murderer after already traumatizing and injuring the old man multiple times. At this point their relationship is just pathetic. Get over it, bro, you should’ve known from the start that you weren’t gonna get what you wanted.

I guess that’s it, I could say more but I’m too lazy to keep going💀💀

What's your batfam hot take that will land you like this?

[ticklishfrog]

your choice! :) literally any letter from the alphabet for bruce that you haven’t done yet/are comfy with omg i’m obsessed

Omg thank you anon for enabling me 😭💝 I’m gonna do C, E, and F bc I’ve been dying to answer those ones aksgajsa

C: Chase | What are their chances in a chase, both as a lee and ler?

A chase is one of the few times Bruce will actually have the upper hand, either as the lee or the ler, and he takes full advantage of this.

As a lee: He’s painfully aware that once he’s caught, he doesn’t stand a chance, so he knows he has to shake his ler during the chase if he doesn’t want to get wrecked. Fortunately for him, the chances of catching him during a chase are nil – after all, disappearing into the shadows is literally part of his job. Although, of course, sometimes he does want to get wrecked, and (after putting in enough effort for plausible deniability) just lets himself be caught.

As a ler: Okay, it’s actually scary to be chased by Bruce when he’s in a ler mood (which Selina refuses to admit ever but is nonetheless true). While his ler moods are rare, he fucking commits to them when they do come, and will catch his lee or die in the attempt. Being, as he is, too good at chases, he ends up catching his lee every time.

E: Expression | How do they express their wish to tickle/be tickled?

He’s veeery very very shy with this. Most of the time he simply relies on Selina, Alfred, or Jim to instinctively ✨know✨ when he wants tickles, which they’ve all actually gotten pretty good at doing, but if for some reason they aren’t picking up on his moods, he’ll resort to more desperate measures. Aka finding whatever room one of them is in and staring at them while refusing to speak and blushing increasingly. At this point they all know exactly what this means and will gladly oblige him :3 (but Selina teases him so much about it she’s so mean (affectionate) 😭)

Also sometimes if he’s feeling mischievous (which isn’t often but does happen) he might just go find Selina and tickle her until she retaliates 😌

F: Fight | What is their behavior in a tickle fight like?

Honestly he’s about 10x more dramatic about getting tickles when it comes to tickle fights, because they’re competitive (in his eyes, at least). He literally acts as if he’s in a life or death situation, and takes his inevitable death accordingly. He’ll squirm like an absolute lunatic, desperately try (and fail) to get the upper hand on his ler, and once it’s very clear that he will not in fact be winning, he’ll resign himself to screaming like he’s actually fucking dying 😭 Sometimes Selina will briefly let him have the upper hand simply out of pity, but it never lasts long.

[rason-rodd]

The Boy Who Didn’t Like Christmas - Jason Todd x Reader

Summary: You decide to surprise Jason with a Christmas tree but things don’t go as planed. Did he really just call you a friend? 

Warning : Fluff, Humor, Slight Angst  

Author’s note: A new Bat-Christmas one shot, this time with Jason (the last one will be with Dick). I tried to make Reader as general neutral as possible. Hope you’ll like it

“You’re clearly not from the Hill … or the Narrows.” You were pretty certain the rebuke would have hurt ten times more if Dana Harlowe had said everything she was keeping well hidden in her badass heart. But there was no need to say more. It was clear she didn’t hold you close to her heart.       To her, you were the pain in the ass from Uptown Gotham, the one who certainly knew nothing about striving to get out of the dirt and who had certainly always get what she wanted by simply twitching her nose. In a nutshell, everything she was happy not to be. But you had one thing in common. Or at least, one person. Jason Todd.         Dana had known him for over a decade. You had known him for a couple of months. But you as well as she had learned to deeply care about him, except that one of you had let things go way beyond friendship quite a couple of times. That one being you.     “I was just suggesting bringing Jason a Christmas tree to decorate his apartment, Dana. That’s it.” You tried to defend yourself as you buried you hands in your pocket.           “And how many times should I tell you that Jason hates Christmas?” You sighed as you both could barely keep your annoyance to yourself anymore. “No one really hates Christmas.” “So what you’re going to show up to his place with a goddamn tree, all dolled up, flutter your eyelashes and hope he won’t be mad at you?”     You shrugged. “That’s an idea”

***

And Dana hadn’t been able to stop you. So, one Sunday afternoon you showed up to Jason’s place with a bag filled with brand new Christmas decorations and a heavy tree that had made you sweat streams to carry in the old staircases and, with a tired sigh, you rang at Jason’s door. He opened it without waiting or looking through the spyhole, apparently not thinking (or caring) about the possibility of a lunatic waiting on his doorstep with a deadly weapon. “You know I could have been a very angry elf with a gun. You should use that little peephole”     “ Y/N” He looked astonished to see you here, especially with all that Christmas stuff “I…” “By the way, you should also write your co-ownership trustee and ask for an elevator. Yours stairs are a living hell.” You declared to make sure he wouldn’t have time to realise or protest against what you were planning to do. “Give me a hand, would you?” You asked as you tried to drag the tree by the crown inside the apartment, sprinkling the ancient wooden floor with pine needles.     “Explain.” Jason demanded as he helped you carry the Christmas tree to the corner of his living room and erect it. “There! Perfect.” You clapped your hands, proud that the tree was still looking good despite the mistreatment you have given it and also because it was standing in Jason’s apartment, contradicting all of Dana’s sayings that “a Christmas tree will never cross Jason Todd’s doorstep”. “Suck it, Dana!”         “Alright. You’re weird today. What’s with the tree?” Jason’s face seemed a bit twisted, as he didn’t know if he should smile or be worried. “Next week, it’s Christmas. You can’t celebrate Christmas without a Christmas tree.”       He frowned, definitely looking for the right words in his beautiful yet tortured head of his to be sure he would not kill your excitement or hurt your feelings. “Y/N. I wasn’t planning on celebrating Christmas this year.” “I know. Dana told me about you being Scrooge Jr.” You joked, not caring at all, as you opened the plastic bag full of decorations to empty it on the couch. “That’s a bit overstating things.” Jason scratched his head. He had never heard anyone compare him to Dicken’s famous character. “I mean. Not liking Christmas doesn’t make me a miserly bitter old man.”       “Were you planning on spending Christmas alone sitting on your couch with cold noodles, watching Netflix and calling Christmas humbug?” He waited before answering, trying to see how he could debunk you little argument. But there was no way. “Not Netflix. Cutthroat Kitchen.”           “Oh my god. You’re Scrooge.” You sighed, exasperated before showing a beautiful transparent Christmas ball with little snowflakes inside. “Look how cute!” Your enthusiasm made him smile discreetly but not discreetly enough to go unnoticed. “I guess there’s no way I’m gonna stop you, right?” You shook your head. “You can still try but no. I’m going to give you some Christmas spirit, choke you with it if I must and I won’t leave this place until you love it. And mark my word, I will use string lights if needed” You threatened as you showed him the lights. “You would really tie me up to the tree? You know BDSM is not my thing.”           “ No I would tie myself to the tree. Because as much as I know you can throw that tree away once I’m gone, I’m sure you won’t be able do so if I’m tied to it.”             “And why so?” He smirked, curious to know your reason. “Cause you like me too much.” Was he really an open book? He never thought so but there was something with you, something weird and unusual that could make him act in strange ways. Perhaps was he getting soft. “And also, because you wouldn’t get my very special gift if you kick me out.” Jason squinted and you played with your eyebrows as you bit your lower lip so that he would get the naughty message. That eventually made him laugh and he tried to remember when was the last time he thought sexy could be funny.         “Ah. The things I would do for you.” He kissed the top of your head softly, making your shiver and close your eyes and for a second you tried to resist the sudden urge to catch him by the neck and kiss him on the lips. Not that he would have minded, you thought. But there was a difference between occasional sex and displays of affection. “Let’s do this. Before you decide to make me sing Mariah Carey.”       “Oh …” You pretended to think about the idea with a finger over your lips. “Don’t push it.”

And so you ended up decorating the Christmas together, laughing and chatting about some random stuff until you dared ask. “Why don’t you like Christmas?” Jason froze for a moment and you saw him close his eyes to take a deep breath. “Well it’s difficult to like Christmas when you’ve got a family like mine.” He finally declared as he hung a Christmas ball on a branch.         “You mean Bruce …” You supposed though you were not sure of you should continue this conversation. “If only there was just Bruce.” You decided to be quiet when you noticed his sudden bitterness but he chose to keep talking. “I never had a proper Christmas as a kid. When mum wasn’t completely stoned on the bathroom floor, dad was in jail. And when we were finally together, well … Let’s say Christmas spirit wasn’t something the Todd family knew about.”             “I’m sorry.” You said, wondering if you should hug him or at least caress his arm as a sign of comfort. “Don’t be. Plus, it’s not like I cared that much about Christmas as a kid anyway.” You could tell it was a lie, a huge bad lie only made to mask some deep-rooted wound, a lie Jason had learned by heart as if it was a mere line and had probably served to anyone around him for as long as he could remember. It wasn’t hard to guess. You just had to see how hurt he looked deep down in his beautiful tortured eyes. “I mean, there are other days to offer gifts.”       “Sure.” You had a light smile and you focused again on the decoration of your tree. “But I appreciate what you’re doing, Y/N”       “By what I’m doing, you mean … making you celebrate the event you hate the most without complaining?” You tried to joke. “That.” He chuckled. “And being a good friend.” A friend? Was friend really the right word? Well, maybe … in a way … or not. After all, what friends occasionally end up fucking when the sexual tension becomes too hard to handle?     “I know you’re doing this because of your permanent worry about me. But you don’t need to worry. I’m fine.”           “I’m sure you are.” You sighed and Jason caught your hands in his. “Hey. I’m a tough guy. I’ve got thunder thighs and sharp abs. You said it yourself”. You chuckled briefly, remembering the time when you told him this. Pretty sure you were naked and drunk by the way.           “I know you’re tough Jason. Actually, you’re certainly the toughest person I know. But I’m not stupid. And I know there are things that you’re hiding from me.” He suddenly frowned and you felt his grip around your hands loosening, as if he was ready to run away from you. “And I’m not asking you to tell me what it is. I understand that you have your secrets. I do to. I just … I just want you to be honest with me, to tell me when you feel low, when you need me.” You added as you grabbed his arms to keep him close. “We’re … friends after all, aren’t we?” You hated that argument but you decided to use anyway, just to see his reaction.     “Yeah. Yeah, sure.” Jason whispered after a second of heavy silence. “We’re friends.” Not the reaction you wanted.   “Good.” You let go of him and went back to hanging Christmas balls but you both could feel the weird tension, the awkwardness and you couldn’t help but blame yourself for ruining that moment which had begun so well. You should have listened to Dana. “Maybe I should go.” You declared as you resigned yourself to get the hell out of here before making things worse between you two.     “No!” Jason almost shouted. “No. We … Let’s finish the tree first okay? Please” You sighed. “Plus you mentioned a gift, right?” Normally that comment would have made you smirk but not today, not now. “That’s not a gift you give friends, Jason”

***

“You played the friends card? Not cool.” Jason suddenly remembered the little mental note he had left for himself the last time he had talked to Dick about his love life. ‘Never again.’ But Roy was gone and so were Artemis and Bizarro or any other friends he could have confessed to. “But we are friends.” He tried to justify himself. “I think.”     Dick shook his head, slightly exasperated yet amused by his little brother. “You saying ‘I think’ makes me believe you don’t see Y/N as a friend.”             “Why does it have to be so complicated?” Jason sighed as he tried to remember when was the last time he had seen you as merely a friend.       “Because it’s love and nothing is ever simple when it comes to love. No need to be a relationship expert to know this.” Jason glanced at Dick who was smiling at him. “I hope you don’t consider yourself an expert considering the failure that is your love life and your on and off relationship with Babs.” Dick shrugged. Yes, apparently he was. Cocky boy wonder. “I’m expert enough to know you don’t call someone you have sex with a friend.” “Oh come on! Ever heard of friends with benefits?” Jason harrumphed, slightly annoyed by his predecessor’s judgemental attitude right now.   “Jason please. You guys are not friends with benefits and you know why? Cause your relationship is not platonic at all. You like Y/N and Y/N likes you. But you are too unconfident or too scared to admit it so you end up having sex when you don’t know how to handle your feelings anymore. Now can we take care of that bunch of lousy criminals before they escape with the money?”             As much as it hurt Jason to admit it, Dick was right. He liked you. He liked you a lot. Maybe he was in love with you even, he didn’t know. But what he really knew right now was that he had screwed up, bad, and that he wanted to fix things between you two.

***

You turned your key in the keyhole, exhausted by your long day at work and blaming the snow that had literally frozen your toes and fingers on your way back home. “Maybe I should ask for a ugly pair of Uggs for Christ…mas”           You couldn’t move, your limbs as frozen as your fingers and toes or maybe worse. Eyes widened you looked around you and at the thousands colourful lights illuminating your entire apartment and the Christmas decorations scattered all over the furniture. “What the hell happened here?”             “Do you like it?” You yelled and jumped and, out of pure reflex and fear, punched hard the person standing right behind you before you could realise it was actually Jason. “Oh my god, Jay.” He groaned and put a hand over his nose to calm the pain. “Damn. I think you broke it.”   “Let me see.” You tried to remove his hand from his face to see how badly injured he was. “No! Don’t touch it. Don’t touch it.” He cried out as a sign of protest but eventually let you take him inside right to your couch where you left him an instant to go fetch some ice in the freezer. “What are you doing here that late?” You asked as you came back to sit by his side. “I wanted to surprise you. I guess it worked.” He hissed as you finally put the small bag of ice against his nose.             “You did this?” You asked as you looked again around you. There were probably at least dozens of flickering string lights hanging from the ceiling above your head as well as fake snow all over the floor of the living room and miniature Christmas trees and other lovely decorations carefully placed on the furniture. “Yeah.”           “How? When?” You couldn’t believe he had done this.             “This afternoon while you were gone. I entered by the window. You know you should check if they’re close before leaving.” You smile when you understood the nod to what you had told him last you saw each other. “Why?”     “ Well. Because it’s dangerous of course. I mean a lunatic could enter and turn your place into a Christmas shop. Oops too late.”     “ No, I mean. Why did you do this?” You asked again, not really in the mood to laugh at his joke right now. “It’s Christmas, isn’t it? … And I like you” He said while looking at you right in the eye. “And not as a friend. Cause clearly we’re not friends and we’re not …” You dropped the bag of ice to catch Jason by the neck and kiss him passionately. How long have you waited for him to finally say it. “Ow. Ow. Easy.” Jason complained right against your lips when your nose pressed too hard against his. “Sorry.” You whispered with a smile. “Don’t smile at my pain. I’m really hurt.”   “Aren’t you a tough guy?” You teased, using his own arguments against him.         “Not when I’m with you.” He confessed and approached your face again, slowly and carefully, to kiss your soft lips with a delicacy that made you shiver. “There are so many things I want to tell you, Y/N.”       “ Then say them.” You whispered still close to his face, feeling his hot breath against your skin. “It would ruin Christmas’ spirit.”   “I thought you didn’t like Christmas.”       “I lied.”

[gainaxvel3o]

Clark x Bruce for the imaginary love lives please! If you do this, thanks and I’m excited to read it :)

He heard the alarm and went as fast as he could.

Superman moved at the speed of sound. Bruce made it a general rule to the League that they stay out of Gotham. If he used the JLA Communicator for this that meant things were bad. Clark tried not to think of the various worst case scenarios as he reached the Acme Warehouse.

Upon his ears picked up a cough, Clark flew faster.

Smashing the wall with his bare hands, Superman surveyed the situation. Bruce, still in the Batman costume, was coughing while lying on the bed, an infusion pump dumping a yellow liquid into him. The Joker was on another bed next to his, smiling his ever sickly evil grin while he was tended to by Harley. She panicked. “Big blue’s in town! Shit!” Harley cheered. “Mistah J we need to run! I was expectin’ the birds or the kajillion Batgirls but not this!” “Oh quiet Harley,” Joker responded. “We already threw the gag out there, we might as well go all the way with it! Come on, welcome to the party!”

Superman didn’t waste any time. “What did you do to him?!? “Now settle down Boy Scout you shouldn’t be so angry until I explain everything.” Joker smiled. “Which I will! See, I was taking a stroll around town, borrowing the usual materials I use to bring all the laughs to the dour city when I happened to come across something interesting.”

The Joker pointed at the pump.

“A unique chemical compound that slowly drain the life out of the people. I’m not one to kill my favorite people, but I thought it would be funny if I shared it with your old pal Batman and see if anyone wants to try saving him.” “You diseased maniac!” Superman shouted. “Where’s the cure?” “The cure? Well…” Joker laughed, the same infuriating laugh that made Superman’s skin crawl. “There’s only one way to cure him. Catch!” He tossed a syringe to Superman, who looked at him confused.

“See, in addition to be a clever comedian I’m a brilliant scientist! I pumped the stuff inside of me to check how it works. Turns out my unique chemistry turned the chemical into antibodies. Only drawback is that if you take my blood, I die.”

“Don’t…” Bruce, trying desperately to remain conscious, begged. “Don’t do what he says… it’s a trick…” “You can’t be too sure of that Batsy!” Joker grinned harder. “So what will it be Supes? You want to save him, you’re gonna need kill me! Not save him and he dies while I live. Your code or your friend! Ohohohohoho what a lovely decision!”

Harley glanced back and forth between Superman and her Mistah J. Being his disciple (and girlfriend even if he won’t admit it) she was familiar with this kind of trap. Batsy’s only in a severe degree of pain but not actually dying. She wasn’t sure if Superman could detect it given the X-Ray vision and the hearing and the other powers in his arsenal. Harley was actually curious. What would Superman do? “Tick tock Superman,” Joker said. “Made a choice yet?” A laugh. It didn’t come the Joker, like one would expect. No… it came from Superman. He held the syringe steady. “Okay. You win.” He said. “I’ll draw your blood.” Harley had to check her ears for that. One she made sure there wasn’t any left over ear wax from this morning, she allowed her jaw to fall. “What…” Joker was also pretty gobsmacked. “I mean- what?” “Yeah. Raise your arm.” Superman smiled. It wasn’t out of joy, more a sneer. “I don’t like the situation, but if it means saving Batman I’ll do it.” For a second, Batman struggled against the bed, trying to say something, break out, but his body was too weak. Whatever he said, Superman didn’t register it. He didn’t need to. He knew what he was doing. “Whoah let’s not get crazy here!” Joker took a step back. “No objections or anything? No third option no nothing?!? You’re just giving up?!” “Why not?” Superman said. "Someone’s going to die either way. Better the mass murdering lunatic from Gotham than it’s favorite son.”

And his husband, though Superman left it unsaid. He didn’t want this monster to know anything. “Wow, the great Superman just gives up!” Joker laughed. “I wish I had a camera so I could record it! I won, you lose and snooze and-“ “Yeah yeah yeah, you’re playing five dimensional chess against me and this is somehow going all according to your master plan even though when the dust settles you’ll be dead, I won’t go crazy murdering everyone for no reason and you won’t get your ultimate final battle with Batman.” Harley had never seen the Joker’s eyes twitch so violently. His hands were shaking in bitter spiteful rage.

“Come on Joker,” Superman said. “You wouldn’t want to leave this Earth without pulling a great gag. This? Just pathetic really.” “Oh you want funny! I’ll give you fucking funny!”

The Joker punched Superman in the chest. He clutched his hand in pain, now realizing he had broken it.

“Okay thanks for that.” Superman grabbed Joker’s hand, readying the syringe. “Be ready!” “No… no wait I was kidding!” Joker’s eyes widened and his voice broke. “The chemicals won’t actually kill Batman! It’s temporary! Please don’t kill me!” 

“Mistah J!” Harley cried out. “I thought we were supposed to go all the way with a gag!” “Nuh uh, not me! I quit! Not going to lose to the big blue boy who can’t wear his undies in the right direction.” Superman smirked. “All edge, no bite… you really are a bad comedian Joker.” _____________________________________________________________________________________

After locking up Joker and Harley in Arkham, Superman took Bruce to the Bat Cave.

Alfred tended to his master, wiping the blood drawn from disconnecting the pump. Bruce looked over to Clark.

“Thanks Clark.” Bruce said. “It was an impressive bluff you made there.”

“Learned it from the best,” Clark smiled, kissing Bruce’s cheek. “Didn’t think you’d call me to be honest.” “The children were out on a mission. You were the only one that could get here fast enough.” “Love you too Bruce.” “Brrrrr. Using that word. Don’t repeat it.” “What? I love you?”

“There you again.” Clark laughed. Alfred rolled his eyes. “Well you’re clearly content in your lover’s quarrel,” Alfred walked up the stairs, “See you both in the morning.” They were left alone. Bruce searched his husband’s face and body, while Clark stood there and smiled.

“About that what happened Clark…” “Hm?"

“If the Joker hadn’t been lying…” Bruce said. “Would you really have let him die?” Clark sighed. “Bruce…” “Really Clark?!?” “If it was between you and him, I would have.” Clark decided to stand his ground. “You know I despise killing anyone as much as you do.” “Then why contemplate it at all?!” Bruce was shouting now. “No one deserves to die!” “No one does. But Bruce, it was between him or you. If it turned out killing him would save you… I’d feel horrible for the rest of my life, I would be ashamed, I would take anything you say afterwards… but I’d do it. What kind of hero would I be if I let a single innocent life die just so I could feel better about having unstained hands?” Clark looked away. “I only hope when the time comes you’d do the same.” Neither said a word. Bruce was no doubt furious, whether himself or Clark it didn’t matter. Superman sighed.

“I’m going to head to bed. Care to join me?” Bruce got out of the table. “In an hour. There’s things I need to check on the Bat-Computer.” Clark nodded. He didn’t want to admit it, not now, but he knew a rift had formed between them just now. He just hoped it would resolve itself sooner rather than later.

Author’s Notes:

I had a surprisingly good time writing this. It’s a bit of a fix fic for Action Comics #719 where Joker similarly infects Lois with a poison and Superman IS ABOUT TO LET HER DIE instead of killing him. It was such a bad display of Superman’s no kill rule that I decided to call a do over. No I don't want Superman to be going around snapping necks constantly but there’s ways to portray the no kill code that don’t involve making your heroes look like self righteous assholes and that comic ain’t it!

As for Batman… well, I don’t have a lot of positive feelings about him these days but writing his interactions with Clark felt natural and the idea of them having a conflict over the no kill code was an interesting idea. I liked doing it. That’s all I’ll say. 

[chronicbatfictioner]

Exchanges and Compromises - Chapter 17

Jason was having the time of his life.

Dick was sure of it. He might grump and sulk a lot more than before, but Dick was sure that he was having fun. Sure, guarding Damian might be a little more than tasking, after a while - especially since Damian was so certain that he could face Bane alone if it comes down to it, conveniently ignoring the fact that: a. he's ten and practically one-tenth of Bane's size; b. the Waynes most likely would detest having to clear intestines off the marble floor if Damian were to be let near a katana and/or Bane, and c. Alfred definitely would detest cleaning intestines or parts of Damian off the floor or walls.

And d. Bruce Wayne seemed to actually enjoy having Damian around and has no qualm in talking to Damian as if he was twice his age. Bruce's age, that is. Not Damian's. Dick suspected that Bruce has spent a lot of time talking to 60-year-olds.

But there were numerous forms of excitement that were offered by the Wayne Manor. First and foremost were the cars. Dick has never learned to drive - being a Talon kind of impeded the learning process of 'common human things'. Jason, however, was an excellent driver. He had mentioned something about being a getaway driver in warzones, and Dick couldn't be sure if he was telling the truth or joking. Either way, he rather enjoyed it whenever he and Jason had to take Damian somewhere in town.

Except for today, as somebody seemed to have tampered with the car.

It wouldn't brake, and they were cruising really, really fast.

Hence Dick's belief that Jason was having fun. He did not look perturbed at the slightest as he controlled the car, swerving crazily over the backroads, making sharp u-turns instead of going into the city roads and went back where they came from. Within a mile from the Drake House's gate, Jason finally managed to cut down the speed to the point where the car's engines died and it rolled to a stop. On the Drake House's gate.

"Seriously, people," Tim remarked dryly as they walked in - leaving the car at the gate and settling their respective adrenaline back down. "I've heard of visiting the neighbors, but must you be like, dying and/or damaging people's property before you come here to say hi?"

"The car was tampered with," Damian reported. "Must be the brute. And I shall replace your gate, Drake."

"I think I'm down to like, eight lives. No-- seven." Dick admitted, "my heart's still beating a hundred miles per minute. Good thing, though, at least that way I know I'm quite alive."

"Dick, you're a bird. Not a cat." Tim deadpanned. His eyes never leaving Jason, who had lit up a cigarette as he walked through the house. "Since when do you smoke?"

"Since I was eleven," Jason replied. "And since I walked into a house that has laser triggers that were set up by a lunatic. Smoke worked to reveal them all."

"I'm... partially scowling because smoking kills. But I suppose laser triggers would kill faster..." Tim replied.

"The lasers are used to trigger booby traps just about Damian's height. If he were to be a common kid and run around the house, he'd be decapitated within the first few days." Jason continued bitterly. "What the fuck is wrong with that giant lump of steroids, anyway? He was ready to kill a child!"

"The nutshell version is that the child would prevent his usurping the Waynes' wealth." Tim pointed out. "The long version is that I don't think he's really the child of Dr Wayne, the Waynes know of it, and they're literally being held hostage in their own home. Also, you people are being watched, too, by drones. I've asked Harper to kill those drones for entering my property."

Tim then explained Bruce's visit and the USB. "Oracle has contacted him and told him we... the Birds, that is - are investigating the evidence."

"How long until we can punch the asshole out of the house for good?" Jason demanded, accepting a bottle of water Tim handed him. Slowly and gently. Making sure his fingers brushed Tim's. And Dick had to swallow a grin.

"That, unfortunately, would be up to the GCPD. Did you guys saw the news? Vicky Vale's article on Damian?" Tim... preened a little, waving his hair as he walked away from Jason. Dick's lips itched, he wondered if Barbara or the other girls -- if Selina or Dinah have noticed this. The two were definitely flirting.

"I have seen it. It had good pictures of my mother and grandfather, and quite... adequate descriptions of both of them." Damian replied. "Evidently father has made a comment to the writer about me looking like him when he was my age."

"Well, you kind of do look like him, except for the green eyes." Dick pointed out. Bruce's eyes were blue - like both his parents. But from the photos of little Brucie around the house, Dick could see a little of Martha Wayne in Damian's still-round face. "When did Bruce make the comment?"

"Oh, Vale called him." Tim snickered. "She still has his personal number, and she commented something about hearing a - quote: 'constipated buffalo sounds in the background' - unquote. She was also wondering if Bruce was in a bullfighting ring somewhere."

"Seriously?" Dick laughed.

"Seriously. Even Barbara couldn't stop laughing hearing that." Tim assured him. Jason rolled his eyes but looking amused, anyway.

"Sooo... a possible off-road accident for the apparent heir is in the books?" Jason suggested.

"I won't put it past Bane. Damian...?" Tim started. But Damian already nodded in acknowledgment.

"I shan't eat anything that is not presented by Todd or Grayson, nor will I frolic the manor on my own. This shall be more to bear witness to your insinuation of my 'child-like' behavior than to take care of me, Drake, as I am quite capable of sustaining my own life." Damian scoffed.

Tim paused visibly for a good two seconds, before nodding, "of course. Furthermore, I can assure you that Alfred is safe, mainly because as a butler, his focal interest would be the actual Waynes. That's in his training - unless an offspring is publicly announced, they are not to be cared for by the Butler. In Wayne Manor, the proverbial child would solely be Bruce - for obvious reasons, and Damian, whom Bruce has publicly acknowledged." Tim explained.

"He was in MI6," Jason remarked. "Alfred, that is. Not Bane. It would be safe to say he's loyal. He told me of the booby traps and that Bane has a daily dose of injection of the steroid-like substance. But I-- we shall prepare you emergency rations - just in case, anyway."

"You guys can always drop by here. And don't think that Damian would be Bane's only target." Tim reminded. "If I was him, I'd take out the big guns - that is you two - first; and then Bruce, because he'll want to be protective of his son; and then Dr and Mrs Wayne last."

"Then I'm afraid you are forgetting one of the members of the household that is most dangerous, Master Tim," a voice spoke; Jason pulled out his gun, Damian automatically hid behind him while pulling out a small dagger.

Dick wanted to lunge right toward the source of the voice until he realized that it was Alfred Pennyworth, both hands raised up to show that he was unarmed.

"How...?" Jason growled, "I didn't hear the front door open."

"Apologies, gentlemen. I should have informed you that there is an underground passageway between the two houses that were once used frequently, but now has all been forgotten." Alfred explained. "You were right that I was in MI6, Jason; as you were right that my focus will and forever shall remain the true Wayne blood, Master Tim. Not ones who claimed as such and refused to provide irrefutable evidence."

"Does Bane know of this passageway?" Tim asked.

"It is located in the staff's wing, and as he is not permitted to be there, I sincerely doubt it," Alfred replied. "I have my own... booby traps and surveillance that should tell me if anyone has been there." he smiled. "I am aware that both of you have prowled the entire house at one point or the other in the past few weeks." he nodded toward Jason and Dick. "You were stealthy, indeed."

"But not stealthy enough?" Dick quipped. "I gotta go back to training... Anyway, why are you here?"

"I saw your vehicle's mishap and its stop here. If anything, Bane is not... stealthy enough." Alfred pulled out a small memory card. "To get to the garage, one must pass the servants' hall. And the garage is my province."

Tim accepted the memory card, plugged it into his cellphone; and then projected its content to a wall. "Huh... this should be enough evidence of tampering..." Tim commented. The memory card showed a clear date stamp - that morning, a few hours before Bane and the Waynes left the house. It also showed Bane himself, jacking the car that was now resting with a dented bumper at Tim's gate, while holding a plier.

"Anyone watching our car now?" Dick commented. "Won't be cool to have it suddenly fixed, will it?"

"Harper should be. Plus, y'all are on my property. If he trespasses, I'll have his ass arrested." Tim huffed. "So... if anyone has ideas--" Jason and Damian's eyes lit up; Tim glared at them and continued "--that do not include sharp and/or exploding objects of how to remove Bane from the Manor..."

"I'm fresh out," Jason replied mournfully. "No sharp objects, no exploding objects... what do you expect me to do? Poison him?"

"But Todd, did my mother not teach you the arts of food as medicine?" Damian piped up.

The sudden silence as all eyes landed on Alfred was quite ominous.

"I will not conduct a crime, young masters," Alfred remarked dryly.

"Oh nooo... not a crime," Jason grinned mischievously. "It's just... you know that Damian was born in the Middle East, yeah?"

"I may have quite a culinary skill, but I fear that my Middle Eastern cuisine knowledge is rather limited," Alfred said demurely.

"Well, mine isn't." Jason grinned. "Besides, what else should one do to celebrate one's entrance into such a distinguished family; but hold a family dinner?"

"You're going to poison him." Dick groaned.

"Not to death!" Jason protested. Dick gave him an unimpressed glare. "Just... to the point where he would realize that he and I have opposing objectives."

"Do let me know of the ingredients you require, Jason." Alfred intoned. "Or perhaps you prefer to shop on your own? I shall fetch a new, un-tampered-with vehicle."

"Oh, please do, Alfred. I doubt we can make a single trip. But they will be fun." Jason replied, grinning.

Dick knew that the sense of foreboding was not in him only. Tim looked like he was contemplating moving away to Alaska.

"For the records, I don't know anything about cooking," Dick said defensively.

"I'm... truly and fully reconsidering my life choices," Tim admitted.

"Oh, don't worry, Drake. Todd was trained by the best," Damian grinned mischievously. "I pity the fools who think him as a brute. I pity the brute who think that small equals weak."

[headcans-oneshots-and-stuff]

Bataunt x Harley Quinn... (HC)

Requested by my internet wife/best friend @sirkekselord​:  And just so you won't forget... Even tho she is good she is friends with a lot of villains like Catwoman, Poisen Ivy and well Harley. After she broke it off with the Joker they come together and Harley transforms into a Antihero I guess. Only Alfred, Jason and Damien know that she is dating Harley because let's be honest she knows the others wouldn't be fine with it. They wanna get married and Bataunt finally has to tell the fam.

Okay so you and your brother couldn’t have more different ways of handeling things

Bruce is the always stoic who’s very stern about his view of whats right and not while you’re just on the sideline chilling

So you honestly have more ‘antihero/villain’ friends than heros

You were kind of Jason’s cheerleader when he came back which was the reason the two of you are really close to this day

But yeah, you were like a mediator between the villains and heros of Gotham for things that didn’t really consern any big bad plans

You and the sirens were pretty good friends honestly

Like you sometimes even joined them on their schemes, even though you always kept it somewhat lawful

And you and Harls kind of started to bond

To be honest you may or may not started to get feelings for

insert ‘ah shit here we go again’ meme

And then it happens

The big break up

Harley goes on a little rampage

and then she comes to you

Stands at your door with only her bat and the clothes on her back while crying her eyes out

Of course you take her in

and you take care of her

and she may or may not just lived with you from there on

Luckily for you, no one beside Jason and Damian visited you at your place since you went to the manor (your childhood home) just about every three days 

And those two were pretty chill with Harley being there after the initial shock

The first few months it’s somewhat painful for you actual, because you love this crazy woman that’s currently crying after her lunatic ex

And even when she’s finally over him, it’s still hard for you because you believe that she doesn’t see you as more than a friend

But she doens’t 

It’s only a question of time until the tension get’s to much and theres smooching

So let’s change your mental relationship status from single to in love with a crazy lady

You tell Jason and Damian since they come over, and Alfred figures it out, but other than that you keep it really low-key

It’s like that for a few months, maybe even years, but Harley is an extremely spontainous person so it isn’t surprising that she just fucking proposes to you while you’re chilling at home or out and about

And who are you to say no

The only problem is that now may or may not be the time to tell the rest of your family about the whole deal

You planned it out quite detailed, invited them to your apartement while Harleen was out and had a whole speech written

But GUESS WHO COMES BURTSING IN LIKE: “Honey I forgot my Bat, I have to talk to the landlord anyway”

Obviously Bruce isn’t happy

But you’re quick at shutting him down

“WHO CAN’T KEEP IT IN HIS PANTS EVERYTIME YOU SEE SELINA? HOW IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT? I’M JUST ACTUALLY SETTLING DOWN!”

Bruce is kinda pouty, but he get’s your point

Honestly the other ones know they can’t convince you that this is a bad idea or something so they don’t object 

But you’re already in a whole monologue like:

“Is she a killer? Well, yes.- Is she crazy? Also yes. Did I have a point? Shit no, but I really fucking love her.”

Harly is in the background with a fake moustache cheering you on

Bruce is also able to admit that Harleen did change her way and that he is kind of a hypocrite. 

And there’s no power in this world that will keep you and Harly from tying that damn knot!!!