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camryns-a-girl-now · 3 months ago

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I hate tech bros. As a compsci student, we're taught about different algorithms, what they're good at, how they work, and what hardware resources they require. This includes AI. What's happening right now, is tech bros (mostly business people with no engineering experience) are trying to shove AI into everything without considering if it's the right algorithm for the job

So how does it work? AI, is a set of matrices (the rectangle with numbers from middle school) representing the strength of connections in a neural network, that associate a given input with a desired output. These inputs and outputs can represent anything, and the only operation required is repeated matrix multiplication. This means that neural networks for any application can be all accelerated by the same hardware.

What this does is create a very efficient predictive model, which generates a predicted output based on input data, without doing all the complex logic and calculations normally needed to make that prediction. This has similar benefits to a lookup table, which has a set of pre calculated answers to problems that you can look up instead of doing complex math.

This is why Chat GPT and most of the other big models we see suck. They don't understand your questions, or the information they read, or art and symbolism, they just predict how a human would respond to a prompt. Sure, they are an efficient alternative to simulating an entire human brain just to answer questions. But simulating or predicting responses from an entire human brain is useless anyway because we already have EIGHT BILLION REAL PEOPLE who are happy to help each other, make art or do countless other tasks if you pay them, and they're far more efficient And capable than the server farms companies trying to replace them with.

So is AI useless? No, AI is great when you actually need to make predictions, but the thing you're predicting would require more processing power and time to simulate than the AI model would take to make a prediction. The most useful application I've heard of is controlling fusion reactors.

Fusion reactors could generate enormous amounts of cheap safe and clean energy, usually by compressing plasma in a magnetic field or with lasers. The issue is that the plasma is turbulent, and if it breaks containment, the reaction stops and needs to be restarted, and that's if you can get it confined in the first place. If we could simulate the plasma and predict the turbulence, we could modify the field or laser configuration to get it contained and keep it that way, but the computing power to do this fast enough to actually respond just doesn't exist. Fusion research had been focused on finding a way around this for a while, but recent research showed that AI generated predictions are good enough to work for control and a variety of other use cases and can run on hardware that actually exists. With this development, the first break even fusion reaction happened in 2022 at the Laurence Livermore National Lab, and energy generating reactors are already being built, with commercial power plants planned for as early as 2028.

Here's the article from the LLNL about their experiments with AI for their inertial confinement reactor

That's what happens when you use AI (or any other tool for that matter) for what it's actually designed for, rather than wasting enormous amounts of energy trying to stuff shitty (often unethical) tech demos like Chat GPT into every product imaginable just so you can tell you tech bro investors that you're "innovative"

ed zitron, a tech beat reporter, wrote an article about a recent paper that came out from goldman-sachs calling AI, in nicer terms, a grift. it is a really interesting article; hearing criticism from people who are not ignorant of the tech and have no reason to mince words is refreshing. it also brings up points and asks the right questions:

if AI is going to be a trillion dollar investment, what trillion dollar problem is it solving?

what does it mean when people say that AI will "get better"? what does that look like and how would it even be achieved? the article makes a point to debunk talking points about how all tech is misunderstood at first by pointing out that the tech it gets compared to the most, the internet and smartphones, were both created over the course of decades with roadmaps and clear goals. AI does not have this.

the american power grid straight up cannot handle the load required to run AI because it has not been meaningfully developed in decades. how are they going to overcome this hurdle (they aren't)?

people who are losing their jobs to this tech aren't being "replaced". they're just getting a taste of how little their managers care about their craft and how little they think of their consumer base. ai is not capable of replacing humans and there's no indication they ever will because...

all of these models use the same training data so now they're all giving the same wrong answers in the same voice. without massive and i mean EXPONENTIALLY MASSIVE troves of data to work with, they are pretty much as a standstill for any innovation they're imagining in their heads

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frogs-memoirs · 2 years ago

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Interview: Azazel, the Moon Presence

[image id: azazel is pictured from the waist up, with his hands clasped on top of a cane. his nails look more like black claws. he has whitish-grey hair with bangs, tanned skin, and strange white eyes. he is making eye contact with the ‘camera’. there is intense scarring over both eyes, and a barely-visible scar across his throat. he has pointed ears and several piercings. he is wearing a poofy-sleeved buttoned shirt underneath a matronly looking, sleeveless black dress. he is back lit by a purple background, with a neon-purple rectangle of light overlayed on top of the background.]

hello folks! I finally got the chance to interview Azazel after dinner. It was nice to interview someone without having to focus on keeping the compulsion up, and even nicer to sit down and talk with my brother after so long. He’s about as dramatic as I remember him being before. But way more cryptic. I’m half-convinced he’s being this difficult on purpose. He gave me a good contact to follow up on, and plenty of leads on the rifts around the City. While I’m no stranger to avatar threats, the state of the City is concerning. Azazel implied it’s been split up into different districts, which might make my travel through the City difficult, even without the flooding.

Full transcript of the interview (and a bonus alternate version of the photo) found under the cut.

TRANSCRIPT AS FOLLOWS

F: --aaand now it’s on.

A: Are you sure you don’t want to do this by hand like you usually do?

F: Oh, I’ll still be writing it down! But this is for my blog. The one I told you about.

A: I see. You’re going to share my interview with all of your strange internet friends?

F: Well, yeah. It’s okay, they’ll love you.

F: Alright, I had my list of questions here somewhere…

F: Here they are! Okay. [sound of pages turning] Are you ready to answer my questions as honestly as possible and to share nothing except what you know to be true?

A: You don’t really have to do this pact thing with me every time, do you? F: Sorry bro, it’s in the rules.

A: Fine, yes, I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.

F: Don’t be a drama queen, I won’t ask you anything that’ll get you in trouble.

A: I’ll hold you to that.

F: First question. Well, sort of question. Can you please state your name, occupation, and role in the city? Mythos, too, since sleepers won’t be able to find my blog, anyways.

A: My name is Azazel Jeán, and I run the Black Sheep’s Inn in our lovely Downtown. I help maintain most of the remaining shops and cafes in our corner of the Downtown, as many folks find it hard to stay in business with all the flooding. My mythos is the Moon Presence, though I hardly have time to really indulge it lately, what with all the repair work I’ve had to tend to.

F: Can you tell me more about the flooding?

A: Sure. The flooding started about… hmm. Maybe five months ago? It started small, with little earthquakes followed by intense rain. Eventually the rain stopped, er, stopping, and the river overflowed. The Downtown isn’t built to withstand rising waters-- it hasn’t happened in centuries. But the storms haven’t let up, and the earthquakes still roll through and cause the ocean to contribute to the floods too. The entire coast has been swallowed up by the tide, too. Some people swear that the water rises a little further every day. I wouldn’t be surprised.

F: That’s… terrifying. When I hitched a ride to the hotel, I noticed something weird about the waters. The Mist is pretty thick in the areas that are completely submerged. Did a rift cause the flooding?

A: Did?-- Yes. I’m surprised you didn’t see him. A few of my employees refer to him as the ‘Siren’. Some young guy, with a head full of tentacles and a nice singing voice. A lot of people see him walking on the water in the flooded streets.

F: Is he… aggressive?

A: Not that I know of. But, I think he’s been seen with the Phantom. You’ll want to stay away from him. Nasty bastard to tango with.

F: Has anyone ever told you that you say the weirdest shit?

A: Yes actually-- wait, dammit Frog, lay off the compulsion.

F: Oh, fuck, sorry, habit. [clears throat] You mentioned someone called the Phantom? A: Yeah, a bit of a Bogeyman. Haunts the residential zones, but once he singles you out, he’ll follow you into any district. It’s better to respect his space and hope you never attract his attention.

F: That’s so fucking creepy, Azzy, why would you say it like that?

A: Because I know you. You’re going to poke around and you’re probably going to run into him. You shouldn’t.

F: I won’t get into anything over my head, Az. Promise.

A: Uh-huh. Did you have any other questions?

F: Hmm. Is there anyone you know who could tell me more about the Siren? I’d love to get some more information. Maybe a few pictures.

A: I don’t know about the Siren, but I think you should consider asking around about the Dragon. If you’re going to be in the City for long, you’ll have to pass through the Old Quarter, and you’ll need to know the Dragon’s rules.

F: How the hell is this place still standing? It sounds like a nightmare.

A: [short laugh] Don’t ask me. I just run an inn. Here, I’ll give you the number of one of my acquaintances. He’ll be able to tell you about the Dragon.

F: You’re lucky I write all this down. This was way more intel than I thought I’d be getting.

A: You’re the one who asked the questions.

F: Bastard. Thanks so much. I’ll let you get to your evening rituals. I might do a follow-up interview with you later.

A: Just let me know when you need me. Breakfast is at 8. Have a good night, Frog.

F: Goodnight, Azazel. Interview closed.

[image id: same image as before, except the neon purple overlay is now the topmost layer, giving a front-lit effect as opposed to a backlit one.]

#City Of Mist #city of mist oc #ttrpg #ttrpg oc #ttrpg character #dnd #storytelling #worldbuilding #original character #rp blog #frogs memoirs #interview #azazel

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thelittleredheadedmusician · 4 years ago

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five phones on the table

DCU, Titans Rating: Gen 1,077 words AO3 A look at the fab five by looking at their phones. Sometimes you want to try something weird with your writing style so you get an idea and call it a character study. This is what comes of that.

The long table with its numerous chairs was, by proximity to the kitchen, a dining table but due to the nature of the building it occupied doubled as a meeting and strategy table. The small net, paddles, and light plastic balls stored in an innocuous box in the kitchen meant it tripled as a ping pong table.

Currently, its occupants were not any number of the young heroes who were welcome in the halls. No one sat eating breakfast, though a ring of coffee and stray bit of egg would need to be cleaned off, or tinkering with anything from weaponry or gadgets to video game controllers or motorcycle parts. No drops of blood from emergency triage covered the top or powdery strings from aerosol cans thanks to prank wars.

Instead, five cell phones lay abandoned in the otherwise empty rooms. As useful as they can be, even just to stave off boredom on a stakeout, their owners weren’t in the habit of grabbing them when danger called and they rushed to face it. While their owners had grown in time with the rapid developments of cellular phones — and regularly used and fought the cutting edge of technology — these were not like the phones they started off with. They were much more fragile. Their first cell phones had survived punches, drops, outer space, and arguably a bullet from Deathstroke the Terminator. Even the ones built by WayneTech now had a tendency to shatter when slipping off the kitchen counter.

The first of the phones was indeed a WayneTech phone, one that technically speaking was still in the design phases of development and wouldn’t even have a prototype for another two years. Yet, on the table it sat in a sturdy black case that was nicked and worn. A once bright red and blue S in a shield sticker was on the back, though it had faded and begun to fray with age. The screen flickered to life every few seconds with a notification coming in. The small rectangles showed only the app the messages came from and the name of the sender, nothing more. Small bat: Little Bro. Small bat: Little Bro. Yellow ghost: Babs. Green speech bubble: Amy. Green speech bubble: Alfred. Small bat: Boss Man. The picture that was barely visible through the notifications was of an elephant dressed in finery, a big top circus tent blurry in the background.

The next phone was older and more beat up than the first. It was made by a company that used a fruit for its name and image. The owner had been given it and it had been gotten for free, part of a family cellular plan years ago. The red case it called home was just as worn as the phone itself with its cracked screen. Though it was slim and light with a chipped yellow lightning bolt painted on the back. The spiderwebbing lightning bolt in the glass showed a young woman’s sly grin as she stared down the camera with her arms crossed. “Linda Calling” framed her. When no one answered, the image changed to a picture of three people with their arms loose on each other’s shoulders. A man with bright, tangled red hair and sparks of freckles, the same dark haired young woman with almost perfect teeth, and another man with long, pale orange hair and a wry, almost annoyed expression. Their faces were covered quickly by the “Missed Call: Linda” notification.

The third was newer than the last and though made by the same manufacturer as the first it was older than that one. In a hopeful optimism of its owner, there was no case. Which was odd as the camera was one of the best found in a mobile phone and many with the same model took great pains to protect it. Which isn’t to say that the owner wasn’t careful and didn’t go through great pains to care for it. The layers of metallic colored stars that stuck to the back helped to prove this as one fell into wear, another bright shine took its place. The photo on the screen of the other side had been taken using that excellent camera by the owner. A large group of people, all carefully posed yet laughing and antsy at the experience, at a picnic or a party. The people all called this building home and the people who moved through it family. A single text message came through from a “Diana” that began with “Dear Sister,” and then was cut off.

The fourth phone was bulkier, chunkier, than the others. It was carefully custom made to withstand the pressure and depths of the deepest seas. One of just a few in the world. It lived in an airtight waterproof case and was kept charged due to what some could only describe as magic. Despite the practicality of the case, it still managed to impart some individuality. A deep, almost royal blue, it was covered in a swirling pattern that some might think of as waves, and others flowers. Its screen stayed dark, though there was a message from much earlier. A small note of encouragement from a “Dolphin” overlaid on a serene image of crystal blue water shining in a lake surrounded by verdant trees.

The fifth and final phone was in as bad of shape as the second. An almost out of date model by Queen Industries, a company that no longer existed or at least not in that capacity. Though the owner would regularly take the small device apart, tinkering and updating the small wires and computer chips within. A thick, almost violently pink case had taken the actual brunt of the wear. Most of the back was covered by a sticker that was the image of a tweet with the immortal phrase “Help me obi Juan whoever the fuck you are.... You're my only ho.” The image on the screen was a young girl in a princess dress and a yellow Robin Hood hat grinning and waving at the camera. It was easy to assume her name was Lian as the text from an “Oliver” could be read saying “Daddy it’s Lian. Love you. Stay safe.”

It might be a few hours and a few battery percentages later, but eventually the owners would come and collect them. Would respond to the notifications. Maybe clean up the bit of egg and the coffee ring on the table.

#dc comics #teen titans #titans #fab five #dick grayson #wally west #donna troy #garth #roy harper #writing #own writing #my fic #batbros #ginger army #everybody needs more donna troy in their life

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nyxigaming2 · 3 years ago

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The best third-party Joy-cons that you'd Love - Review Guide!

Meta Description

Take a look at our buying guide and reviews of third-party joycons you'll love, and choose your favorite. It's time to start shopping! Let's do it!

Introduction

The dangers of Joy-cons drift are widely known to Nintendo Switch 3rd party joycons owners. With time, the thumbsticks on the Joy-Cons have slowly worn down. As a result, many gamers are using 3rd party joycons instead of twin gamepads.

Going into the unknown with 3rdparty joycons might be risky. Even after a few usages, a few businesses are selling cheap knockoffs that may not work at all. As well as the best third-party Joy-con controllers on this list, you should also check out any other Joy-cons. After more than a decade of making the best third-party joy-cons, companies like Nacon and Nyko are well-known in the gaming industry.

1. Hori Nintendo Switch Split Pad Pro

The Hori Split Pad Pro, the only officially licensed third-party controller on this list, is designed for Switch portable users. You can customize the controller's functions by using the programmable buttons at the back. Despite its larger size, it is possible to place the Hori Split Pad Pro inside the Nintendo Switch dock.

You cannot use the Split Pad Pro without connecting it to a Nintendo Switch first. Others on this list can either use the rails and grip of the Switch or design their own. In addition, it lacks features like HD rumble and even motion controls, which is disappointing for an officially licensed controller.

2. NYXI Wireless Joy-pad with 8 Colors LED

This wireless joy-con has a built-in 600mAh battery that can last up to 8 hours of gameplay and 20 hours of standby time. Using larger buttons and joysticks prevents accidental presses of other buttons.

The turbo mode allows you to fire many shots in rapid succession. In order to activate the hard-to-reach buttons, you can use the mapping function to assign one of the X/Y/A/B/Z/L and more buttons to the rectangle button.

The 8-color and rainbow LED light on the joy-con controller create a fun gaming environment. After the very first time you connect it, there is no need to rejoin again. Clicking the Home button will bring you back to the gaming console.

3. BestFire NS Joy-Con

BestFire's NS Joy-Cons turn the GameCube controller into two Joy-Cons. Players of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate will like the Joy-Cons' button arrangement based on the GameCube controller.

The face buttons on the right Joy-Con mirror the original GameCube’s placement, even if the form is different. These Joy-Cons are better suited to those who want to use a GameCube controller to play Smash Ultimate than the conventional Joy-Cons.

There is no IR sensor or HD rumble on BestFires' Joy-Cons as on other third-party controllers. They employ a twin rumble motor like the rest of the controllers on this list, but unlike Binbok's Joy-Cons, they cannot alter the level.

BestFire's Joy-cons have the shortest battery life on this list, with six hours of rumbling use. With the rumble off, the battery can last longer. However, many Smash players like to utilize it during gameplay.

4. Dualies from Nyko

The Nyko Dualies are the final item on this list. Compared to the Hori Split Pad Pro, the Nyko Dualies cannot be attached to the Switch or even the grip. Detachable thumbsticks are what the Dualies have.

Particularly in games that require spinning, thumbsticks are susceptible to wear and tear. Depending on the materials used, they may also be slippery. Depending on whether the thumbsticks are removable, you may replace them with more comfortable custom sticks.

Additionally, the controller's independent charging connections allow gamers to charge one Joy-Con at a time without needing to charge the other simultaneously. The ability to charge the controller is functional when multiple people are using the Switch simultaneously. To recharge a Nintendo Switch Joy-Con, you would have to remove it from the system and wait for it to do so.

The Dualies, like other third-party controllers, enable motion controls but lack an IR sensor or the ability to scan Amiibos. On the other hand, these are the only Joy-Cons that cannot be attached to the Switch or a grip. There are a few additional possibilities on this list that may interest folks.

Best third-party Joy-cons: Buying Guide

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Batteries

Most 3rd party joycons use one of two types of batteries. ALIENGT Joypad Controllers have a rechargeable battery, and others, like the PowerA Enhanced Wireless Controller, use AA batteries. Choosing the correct Nintendo Switch 3rd party joy-cons is a personal choice.

Choosing rechargeable controllers eliminates the need for batteries, and you'll have to refuel if you lose your charge mid-game. Some controllers have power-saving features, and you can also turn off your controller's light bar to save power.

However, a controller with removable batteries can swiftly exchange AAs. Buying new batteries may be irritating and costly for frequent gamer.

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Style and beauty

Choosing the best third-party joy-cons isn't always about function. For example, Nintendo's Joy-Cons controllers have a universal setup. The Nintendo switch 3rd party joy-cons various colors and combinations add to the charm.

Third-party Joy-Cons come in neon red, blue, purple, orange, green, pink, and yellow.

If you already own the best third-party joy-cons, you can pick your preferred style and color. Most third-party Joy-Cons come in a variety of colors and designs.

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Controls: wired vs. wireless

There are conventional, and wireless Nintendo switches 3rd party joycons.

Why do gamers prefer wired controllers? One advantage of connected controllers is network latency, which can be a significant issue for competitive players. Second, a cable controller eliminates battery concerns.

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Tilt-A-

They are tiny, removable game-pads for Nintendo Switch. You can link them to the central controller. This includes 'HD rumble,' which gives gamer of Nintendo Switch 3rd party joy-cons accurate feedback.

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IR Sensor

Some of the Joy-Cons have an IR sensor. This sensor can identify shapes and distances from things. It can also distinguish between hands shaped like a rock, paper, and scissors, allowing Roshambo games on Nintendo Switch.

FAQs

Are joy-cons readily broken?

The lifespan of Joy-Cons varies greatly depending on how rough you are with them and if you have dropped them ever.

When should I replace my Joy-Cons?

To completely recharge the Joy-Con, you'll need to wait around three and a half hours. The Joy-Con controllers' batteries have a 20-hour runtime when ultimately charged.

What improvements has Nintendo made to the

Joy-cons

There is no permanent fix for Joy-Con drift. Nintendo has revealed in a new interview that the Joy-endurance Con has continuously improved since its introduction and that the Switch OLED versions will feature the latest controllers.

Conclusion

You don't have to buy the Joy-Cons from Nintendo to use the Nintendo Switch's unique controller. Buying third-party Joy-Cons doesn't remove the opportunity to have fun color variations. Some even improve on some of the original design's flaws. The best third-party joy-cons that you'd love for the Switch are available in the above list if you can't locate or don't want to pay for a fake thing.

As for me, The NYXI Wireless Joy Pads are a great choice for third-party Joy-Con replacement parts for the Nintendo Switch.

#joy cons #nintendo #nyxi #joy pad

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gamesception · 2 years ago

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#ohh happy birthday you gay little rectangle may your legacy never be forgotten#my friends showed me 2010 yesterday and im still thinking about their/my sentiments like#hal set such a precedent for the evil ai trope but chat do they know..do they know he was built out of love and only#turned out of confusion and helplessness and even then dave chose him to keep him company in eternity#if two bros merged into one weird cosmic being after killing the other would that be fucked up. idk. sorry for spilling on ur post op#im falling asleep n got sent this i love u weird red orb .

#absolutely stellar notes

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obsidiancreates · 5 years ago

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Oh shit right 2, random word!

(I feel very gushy today so

(Word is “partake”!)

Jameson was absolutely fascinated by video games. He thought they were amazing, genius even! He first learned of them when his brothers showed him the channel, and from then on he had loved them.

The only problem was, he’d never played one and wasn’t sure how to.

He couldn’t admit that, of course. It was such a vital part of he and his family’s past, they would probably find it shameful. Instead he always told the others that he was content to watch, or he had to save his hand strength for cooking, or that he would rather read at that moment, or whatever other excuse came to mind.

That day, Jameson was watching Chase try out a new game that he had never seen any of them play before. “What’s this?”

“It’s Minecraft! I might be able to bring the kids over this weekend, and the last time I got to talk to them they said they loved it!” Chase’s character was building a small house made of… blocks. Wooden ones. Jameson watched the TV with great interest.

“What an interesting looking game.”

“Do you wanna play for a bit? It’s more fun with other people.”

Jameson chuckled. “No, but thank you, good chap. I’m not really one to partake in video games when there’s a perfectly good novel just calling my name!”

Oh god, he wanted to play so bad.

Chase groaned. “Uuuggghhh, you never play any games with us! Come on!” he handed a controller to Jameson. “Just for a minute! I need help with this, I don’t have any glass yet.”

Jameson swallowed. Chase wasn’t going to take no for an answer this time. “I suppose the novel can wait. Um… how do I…” He inspected the controller closely, trying to find a button that said “Play Game”.

“How do you…? Oh, how do you join? Here, I’ll do that.” Chase pressed a few buttons, and just like that the screen split in half and Jameson’s character was dropped in. “I’m to you left a little bit, you should be able to see my nametag.”

Okay, okay. He could do this. The little knobby things were usually used by the others to move and look around. Now… which one did which? He pushed one forward. His character started moving. His face lit up. Hey, that was easy! He pushed the other one to the side. His character turned it’s head. He grinned, and made his way over to where Chase had directed him.

Chase’s character turned to look at Jameson’s. Jameson used his real hand to wave at the screen. “How do you do?”

Chase’s character waved his little rectangle of an arm. “Hey JJ!”

Ah. How did… hmm.

“Hey, what’s wrong? You look a little confused.”

“No, no! I just uh… I’m not sure…”

Jameson tried one button. No, that made him jump. Another one made him crouch. One just made it so that he was looking at the back of his character’s head instead of through it’s eyes.

Chase wrinkled his brow, but then a look of realization came across his face. He smack his palm to his forehead. “You don’t know how to play video games, do you? Ah shoot, okay let me help you.” He scooted a little closer. “Okay, so you press this button to smack stuff and break it, and this one is for placing-”

“You… you aren’t disappointed?”

Chase looked at Jameson’s face, startled. “What? Dude, why would I be disappointed?”

“Well, video games are such a large part of all our lives, I assumed-”

“Bro, no-one is good at games right from the get-go, including us. It’s fine!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! Okay, so the main point of the game…”

Chase spent a little while teaching Jameson how to play. After a bit of teamwork and a few extra reminders, they had a pretty nice little house built. Chase gave Jameson a high-five, and Jameson positively beamed with pride.

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye egos #Jameson Jackson #Chase Brody #Fluff #Fanfic #my attempts at fanfic

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killabonez · 7 years ago

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HOMESTUCK HUMAN APPEARANCE HEADCANONS!!!!

ok so i have all these friggin headcanons for the kids so like????? lets friggin do this

John: John is Short As Fuck(tm) and a lil pudgy. (vv soft boy has a belly) he’s waiting for a growth spurt that probably wont come. FRECKLES AND MOLES E V E R Y W H E R E. Probs pale (kiddo is a shut in) obvi blue eyes and black hair.

Dave: a literal rectangle. tall and skinny. maybe a bit of muscle from “training” with Bro, but overall pp lean. Lanky with long arms and even longer legs. A few scars from training, pretty faint, and mainly along his torso. Buddy is an albino w/ an extremely rare (and made up) eye mutation

Rose: Also generally pretty skinny. She has the ideal body... of someone from the 1920s/1990s (which are Very Similar) Average height. She still has a baby metabolism, but is pretty much done growing. Slowly gaining weight, looks more like her mother every day. Mole on her right cheek, closer to her eye. Also super pale, with bleached white hair (naturally brown) and the same genetic mutation as Davey boy, making her eyes purple

Jade: Athletic. If you think she doesnt do some sort of Tarzan Level stunts on that island, you’re dead wrong. Girl is <i>toned.<i> I’m jealous of her legs tbfh. Pretty short, but def still scary when mad, which <strike>thank god<strike> is rare. Looks like they could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll. Freckles, but not as many as Johnny boy. (Bonus Headcanon! She wears looser clothes so she looks less threatening.) Jade is probably super tan, just bc she’s in the sun more, and has green eyes and black hair.

Jane: Pretty short, def chubs. Thicc(tm) a bit bigger on the bottom than the top. 100% comfortable in her own skin. No freckles, but def has a few moles. Mostly pale, with a reddish flush on her cheeks and nose (y e ars of opening ovens) Blue eyes and black hair

Dirk: Dirk is also tall, but a bit more built. He’s got an inverted triangle type body, but its like a thin triangle?????? Pretty defined on his arms. Chicken legs (dont skip leg day kids) Dirk, though he actually does not have the mutation, has very light brown eyes, that in some lights can be considered orange. Goldeny-blonde hair, and somewhat tan.

Roxy: Roxy is a bit taller than Rose. While she isn’t as skinny,as Rose, she is on the thinner side, has “hourglass” distribution for weight, but doesn’t have much weight to distribute. Roxy also has the mutation, making her eyes purple, and has bleach blonde hair that’s a bit on the yellow side bc she did it wrong.

Jake: Average height, maybe a bit short, and built. His muscles aren’t amazingly defined tho only a bit. He’s the type of built to just get thicker instead of having, like, a cut in his shoulders. Has some frecks, and def has some scars from his adventures. He has bright green eyes, black hair, and pretty tan skin.

Lol the mutation basically makes your eyes have a reddish tint. Rose and Roxy’s eyes would have been blue without the mutation, and because Dave is albino, the lack of pigment makes the red shine through a lot more, giving him bright red eyes.

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junker-town · 5 years ago

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Who’s won Week 1 of the NFL preseason so far?

Photo by Kirk Irwin/Getty Images

Tom Brady’s realtor, Daniel by-god Jones, and the legend of Adam Gase all got major boosts.

The NFL returned last week. Kind of.

The Hall of Fame Game was technically football, just like the cardboard rectangle of Ragu and shredded mozzarella-ish cheese you got in elementary school was technically pizza.

This week, the league countered the preseason’s ongoing lack of quality with a major uptick in quantity. Thursday night unveiled an 11-game slate that could rival what you’ll see on Sundays this fall, assuming you squint really hard or drink until Garrett Gilbert looked like a stretched-out Baker Mayfield. Some games came down to the wire. Ones involving the Lions and Jaguars did not.

We’ll have more winners once Week 1 concludes. Assuming there are winners. But so far, who has won the first true week of the preseason slate?

It certainly was not this first name:

Not considered: David Fales, who lost exactly as many yards as he gained

Fales entered a Patriots-Lions game that was somehow out of reach in the first quarter and walked a sturdy tightrope of awfulness for Detroit. He completed only five of his 14 passes, gaining 62 yards in the process. Impressively, he was also sacked six times — 30 percent of his dropbacks! — for a loss of ... 62 yards.

He wasn’t entirely neutral, however; Fales did manage to throw an interception to defensive end John Simon. It was just as bad as it sounds:

Simon says: #Patriots ball .@johnesimon51 | #NEvsDET pic.twitter.com/wp0ye8r8yK

— New England Patriots (@Patriots) August 9, 2019

Fales was responsible for Detroit’s only three points of the night. His interception led to a Patriots touchdown, however, leaving his impact at a negative-four points.

Now, on to the actual winners of the NFL preseason’s premiere week:

8. Whichever Sotheby’s realtor handles Boston’s high-profile clients

Tom Brady put his Boston-area five-bedroom, seven bathroom estate — which features a 2,400-square-foot guest house and a driveway that parks 20 cars — up for sale this week. Any money he’s left on the table in negotiations with the Patriots will be made up from the bids of too-rich Massholes.

It’ll cost you $39.5 million to cook in a kitchen once stocked with avocado ice cream, or do yoga in the same room where Alex Guerrero once regularly prescribed stretching and hugs to prolong a Hall of Fame career. This is a tremendous Brady-bump — a similar five-bedroom, 8,800-square foot house in the same neighborhood sold for only $5.6 million back in May.

Assuming a six percent commission split between two realtors, the two primary sellers of this estate would clear more than $1 million for making the king of the finance bros’ dream come true. And if multiple Bravo reality shows have taught us anything, it’s that elite realtors are wonderful people who truly deserve this money.

Not considered for this list: Other Chestnut Hill-area realtors

Pitching the opportunity to live in the same neighborhood as Brady and Gisele is easily worth a 10 percent bump in asking price. Now that the neighbors who respectfully declined to attend every neighborhood pot luck are leaving, sellers may have to settle for a mere $1.8 million for their 3,000-square-foot home.

7. Antonio Callaway, who absolutely made this catch

I don’t care what the refs (incorrectly) ruled. This was awesome.

Didn't count but INSANE effort by Callaway pic.twitter.com/pRgqnInqHW

— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) August 9, 2019

6. Alpine doctors

One of medicine’s more forgotten specialties got a boost this week when Antonio Brown posted a picture of his gnarly feet and invited the world to ask: arrrggggh why?

What could have caused Brown’s feet to develop a rind like a poorly stored wedge of Montgomery cheddar? ESPN analyst Chris Simms originally landed on fungal infection before correcting the culprit to frostbite from a cryotherapy session gone wrong. The Raiders have neither confirmed nor denied this — while the feet were a sticking point on Hard Knocks, though there was no real insight into the cause — but yeah, given the grossness of those feet I’m inclined to believe the most outlandish possible cause for these symptoms.

The question now is when Oakland can expect its superstar acquisition to return to the field.

What makes frostbite diagnosis tricky is that no two cases are identical. However, the photo tends to support the idea that Brown has Stage 2 frostbite, which is characterized with either blistering, or hardened skin — which cracks and peels off. The real risk here is that Brown has done damage to the blood vessels in his feet, which, according to the Summit Medical Group, can take up to six weeks to be revealed.

Hopefully the damage is minor and Brown will be back on the field soon.

Until then, Brown will be working closely with Dr. Bubba. He is a St. Bernard’s with cask of brandy around his neck and, sadly, fictional.

5. The kid whose bike was destroyed by J.J. Watt

Watt returned to his home state when his Texans bunkered down in Green Bay in advance of their preseason opener against the Packers. This afforded him the chance to take part in one of the league’s finest August traditions: riding the bikes of local children who’ve come to watch training camp sessions. Players pick out a waiting child, hand over their helmets, then make the trip down the DreamDrive from the locker room to the field before practice begins.

Watt, the human embodiment of a Great Dane loose at a dog park, promptly crushed his loaner bike.

(video courtesy of @ClintStoerner)

“It was pretty awesome until I broke the bike,” Watt told reporters afterward. “The bike that I was using was not equipped for a 290-pound man. The seat broke off. We have purchased a new bike for the boy, so I apologize for that.”

Watt makes nearly $17 million annually, so the aggrieved child likely came out of this deal with a solid upgrade. Plus he gets to tell his friends about the time a Hall of Famer came to town and ruined his bike for the rest of his life. A nice little Tuesday for him.

4. The ongoing legend of Adam Gase’s, uh, peculiarness

We knew about the eyes — that Gase’s face existed in an atmosphere solely made of whispers informing him his exact time of death. This week we got some insight as to why. The Athletic’s Dan Pompei took a deep dive to explore the foundation of Gase, only to find it’s built from caffeine, coaching cliches, and the self-care of an unattended minor.

“You would get these texts from him until 4 in the morning on a regular basis,” says Tannenbaum, now an ESPN analyst. “I don’t think he sleeps a lot.”

Fueled by five or six 20-ounce cups a day from the Kuerig coffee maker that is an arm’s length from his desk, and maybe a Red Bull here or there, Gase has energy like a power plant. And it doesn’t wane in the wee hours.

There’s also the fact Kevin McCallister had a more responsible diet while left unsupervised in the hit movies Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Well, and pizza. With pepperoni. When Gase was with the Dolphins, his office often was filled with the aroma of a pie from Pizza Loft in Davie. When the owner of the restaurant sold the business, he put a clause in the contract that required the new owner to deliver pizza to Gase every night for one year. So Gase ate pizza every night.

Gase is not likely to prepare a meal on his own. When Jennifer recently left him home alone to dog sit for a day, he texted and asked her to order him lunch from Uber Eats.

This revelation of late-night annoyances and childlike disdain for utensils was quickly swept aside by the fact Gase and his wife scheduled their second child’s Caesarian section around his football schedule. His son Wyatt was born at 10 a.m. in the middle of the 2013 NFL season. Gase was back at the Broncos’ facilities — where he was an assistant coach — to greet Peyton Manning for their weekly sit-down by 2 p.m.

This is all, of course, bonkers. But this? For a preseason game?

Did Adam Gase just take smelling salts before a preseason game? pic.twitter.com/gVINzrkcjW

— Andrew Perloff (@andrewperloff) August 8, 2019

These are not the actions of a successful NFL head coach. They are the actions of a man in a wedding dress attempting to blow a car to smithereens.

3. Former Phoenix College star Damon Sheehy-Guiseppi, who will somehow be played by Mark Wahlberg in the film version of his life

Sheehy-Guiseppi went from sleeping on the grass in Miami to a tryout with the Browns this summer. The former junior college All-American had the slimmest of NFL prospects, but found a landing spot in Cleveland after effectively hustling his way into a workout this summer. His 4.38-second 40 speed earned him the chance to put on a Browns uniform Thursday night, and he once again burst through a door that had only been cracked a sliver.

WHAT A MOMENT Damon Sheehy-Guiseppi returns a punt 86 yards for a TD — and the whole bench clears to celebrate pic.twitter.com/anLZ3EEgAT

— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) August 9, 2019

Everyone on the Cleveland bench went completely apeshit for this return. It turns out they had a pretty good reason.

2. The Patriots’ passing offense without Tom Brady or Rob Gronkowski, somehow

New England got its long-awaited revenge on Matt Patricia Thursday, breaking a months-long losing streak against the Lions by absolutely thrashing Detroit’s second team to start the preseason. That in itself isn’t amazing, but the way the Patriots did it is. Brian Hoyer and Jarrett Stidham combined for 326 passing yards and three touchdowns. Two of those went to undrafted free agent Jakobi Meyers, who sure as hell looks like the latest college-quarterback-turned-receiver to turn Bill Belichicks frown ... into a slightly more neutral frown.

.@jkbmyrs5 for six.#NEvsDET | #GoPats pic.twitter.com/IUm9fkIY7s

— New England Patriots (@Patriots) August 9, 2019

New England needs a big target who can unstick himself from opposing defenders now that Gronk’s gone into the party bus business full time. Meyers looks like he could fit that bill.

1. Giants general manager Dave Gettleman, who may have been right all along

We all had a nice laugh when the Giants selected zero-time All-ACC selection Daniel Jones with the sixth overall pick of the 2019 NFL Draft. We reveled in Gettleman’s long, strange list of justifications for drafting a passer who may have been available at the team’s second first-round pick, or maybe even on Day 2. We marveled when the Giants inadvertently recreated the pointing Spidermen meme in offseason camp.

But it turns out Jones may have been the right pick after all (I am certain I won’t regret writing this in September, of course).

Drive 1: Every single Daniel Jones pass -5/5, 67 yds and a TD Say goodbye, Eli pic.twitter.com/MURmdOceVD

— Warren Sharp (@SharpFootball) August 8, 2019

It’s Week 1 of the preseason and it was against a Jets team without the best players in its budding secondary, so maybe Eli Manning shouldn’t retreat into retirement just yet. Still, Jones’ solid debut gives at least some hope there’s balm in Gilead for a suffering Giants team that still may not have found the bedrock of its bottoming out.

Jones finished his night as SB Nation’s top-rated rookie passer, though he wasn’t the only young New York quarterback to turn heads Thursday night. Both Sam Darnold and Jones finished their 2019 debuts with perfect passer ratings. That’s literally the best they could have hoped for.

Maybe MetLife Stadium won’t be a swirling vortex of depression this season after all.

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