#breaks and rest when i can
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i think in the new year i might not post as frequently as the last two for a while—while my ds9 cube comic was very much a silly goof, it's not inaccurate to say that i'm a little burnt out! (and that i should probably start taking up some more sports or games)
it's a weird burnout too, because i'm not like, tired of drawing (i still enjoy it) nor am i tired of drawing naruto stuff (i'm very comfortable and happy drawing my yamatos)
but something has shifted a little bit, and i do feel some kind of strain—i'm not in as much of a doodling mood as I have been the past 2+1/2 years, I'm feeling a craving for Projects, I think.
things that test me more, and take more time. Things that give me more direction, and less aimless creative meandering—well, we'll see! we'll see what happens.
#blogkeeping#part of the burnout may have been that like. with the holidays i havent had time to sit at my desk and draw#so i felt strained and rushed whenever i did try to draw#but i think there's also a bit of growing confidence and hunger in me—and the last thing i want to do is try to silence that#if hes got something to say well i ought to hear him out#but also. i could only be listening for what i want to hear. so im gonna take it slow for a while anyhow + give myself lots of#breaks and rest when i can#i'd like to eventually open commissions this year as well! i think that would be a good exercise
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consumed by the inevitable
#messyr#you know- I kept thinking: One day. The cage will be open but I feel like I'll stay. Because if I run- I'd wind up dead from their bullet#so I just- tend to- follow as much as I want to rebel and put sense into this fuckass household. I hate seeing the others in pain as well#and it hurts more that it feels like I can NEVER be the one to break this cycle of abuse- when I knew from the start- when I knew too much#but here I am ending up like the rest of them- helpless and unable to do jackshit about the situation. I cant say or do anything at all!#I dont want to end up like them- if anything I want to BREATHE- i want all of us to LIVE without this pain that has existed for generations#I want to help so bad no matter how much I know I am unloved.#no matter how much hate i carry- no matter how much burden- Underneath it all- I'm devoted to them- that's how fucked up I am#i know i'll never be enough. I know how often I think of death and wish it.#But I have a dream to achieve and I am not planning to die until I reach it. Not yet. If pain is where I strive best then so be it.#doodle#vent art#artists on tumblr#bpd#toxic behavior#learned helplessness
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something people just don’t think about is how often chronically ill and disabled people just don’t have access to good food. not healthy food, good food; well made, tasty meals that don’t come from a jar or a freezer. how many of us are housebound or can’t drive? delivery services only offer within certain distances, if you live outside a city they aren’t an option. many people don’t have the energy or ability to cook for themselves if they have the skill to begin with. many certainly don’t have the ability to learn how. it’s something that goes completely unnoticed, just the opportunity to have a good meal and how much that wears you down
#all i want is chinese food#the closest one to me is 40 minutes away and its a /bad/ chinese place#its my worst option and its not even an option#‘fried rice is easy to make heres a recipe!’#i cant use a stove bc the heat will give me a seizure#even if i keep myself cool something that should take 15 minutes will take upwards of an hour bc i need to take breaks#even then ill probably be too nauseous to eat it after being active for so long#all of that for a bad cooks version of fried rice#more expensive and worse than a takeaway place#but i cant get it from a takeaway place#repeat ad nauseum for the rest of my life and is it any wonder im so sick of the same food ive eaten for 10 years#the only time i get takeaway is when my parents decide to go out and bring something home#can you imagine living like that for the rest of your life?#i dont have to#and its so dumb to want to cry over rice#but its not really about the rice is it#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#chronic illness#disability#pots#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#ehlers danlos syndrome#fibromyalgia#chronic fatigue#chronically ill#mental illness#mental health
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Rebirth
#this too. counts as mpreg#hws prussia#hws germany#hetalia fanart#hetalia#gilbert beilschmidt#ludwig beilschmidt#guess you could say he’s a. SHELL of his former sel-#[gets pelted with tomatoes] 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅#I would also like to argue this can be tagged as pregnant Gil cuz like#what is birth if not breaking yourself from the inside out for the creation of another?#maybe or maybe you won’t live to see it come to fruition#i rest my case#cw pregnancy#is this body horror?#cw body horror#just in case#sorry still posting infrequently - still in burnout and I hate everything I make ✌️#digital art#my art#fanart#one day I’m gonna draw Gil so white he just straight up disappears on the canvas#it has come to my attention that I don’t actually know how to draw#the style kinda reminds me of when I just started out drawing on my iPad#that’s not a good thing.
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#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 2#yakuza series#yakuza 2#yakuza kiwami 2#daigo dojima#snap sketches#//through tears// emo daigo save me#i had this sketched last night but then i played minecraft the rest of the night instead of finishing it LMAO#my spring break is over i have to drive later ive been feeling like death for Ever when will it END#my pain can be alleviated by art only. of the silly variety#anyway inspod by aggressive gaia online browsing. and break dancing#he is most certainly not breakdancing but i was and i thought of goofy poses. while making goofy poses#usually id give masato all the laying/sitting poses but too late#mk bye i hope he gives off hot topic circa 2011 energy
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has this been done yet
#i know they’ve mentioned it quite a few times over the last year#but this video was right around halloween last year and now look at em#the prophecy was fulfilled#“the inherently gay energy” ok. now what#god they actually slayed it so bad like never getting over it#so many iconic phannie moments in the last year in the last month in the last WEEK#but the costumes was deservedly their most internet breaking far reaching impact since the comeback I fear#dnp#dan and phil#phan#amazingphil#parallels#good phomens#i can never rest when rewatching older videos bc I always find some fuckass bit that’s relevant enough to clip
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pov : you're the rest of the sextuplets meeting kuroba for the first time.
#as soon as i found out this was a meme i knew i had to redraw it w/ kuroba#some context : kara doesn't tell his brothers about kuroba ( mostly bc he doesn't want them to cause issues and ->#get him banned from their shop ) but oso & totty figure out he's hiding something when he starts acting suspicious about the roses he bought#eventually the rest of them get roped into tagging along and they tail him the next time he sneaks off to kuro's#they end up breaking one of the potted plants outside their shop while trying to eavesdrop and kuro comes out w/ this kind of energy#they're not even really mad they're playing up their scary face to fuck with them a bit#but that ends up working too well bc they all end up running off scared as hell of kara's new '' yakusa '' friend#( get it? like yakuza and kusa meaning grass. gET IIIIT— )#anyways one of the benefits of kuro looking like their granddad is being able to make the same intimidating faces he can pull off#i need to finish chouji's ref soon... i love him...#osmt#karamatsu#mj ocs#oc : kuroba#mj draws#🕰 : scheduled post
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Burnt out
#initially this was meant to be something else entirely#but i wasn't really liking how it was going so I scrapped the idea and opted out for something a bit more personal#ive been really suffering from burn out for the last few years and just barely keeping my head above water#there are times where i seriously feel like ive failed in every aspect of my career#like if i were good enough i wouldn't have burnt out#i love my job and i love my trade i love every skill ive gain up until this point#but its been hard not to take it personally when all the effort you've put into honing those skills#are abused or exploited#life is difficult enough already and and time is fleeting#taking time for yourself is above all the most important thing you can do to help your work flourish#taking a break isn't failure#its health#we aren't machines despite our industries treating us as such#just waiting and hoping that itll pay off#ive certainly learned my lesson#and im looking forward to brighter horizons#and healthier more respectful ones#ill be okay ive learned how to love my art in my personal time again#but i certainly need to let my mind rest and my body to recover#these tags are lengthy anyways#unionize and dont work for nothing from large companies#be gay do drugs love your friends make art for yourself too#my art#scuttles out of here#i hope these long ass images actually show up in full resolution#i did draw them fucking TOLL as hell
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butterfly Howdy... he must be the prettiest girl at the party.... also so so tired
#i imagine that metamorphosis is Exhausting#turning to goop & then reforming takes a lot of work and energy yk#absolutely zero rest going on in there!#i can so vividly picture everyone gathering around his chrysalis waiting for him to emerge#ready to watch him to break free Beautiful and Refreshed#and then he just kinda. slides out and slaps against the ground. goopy. half dead. confused. crinkled#also much fluffier!!!#when he dries. before that he looks like someone drowned him#Having So Many Butterfly Howdy Thoughts#scribble salad#welcome home#welcome home puppet show#welcome home fanart#howdy pillar#yassified howdy <3#i wanted his butterfly form to be like... longer??? more ~Elegant~ if that makes sense?#longer hair... longer fluff... longer antennae... claws bc why the fuck not. claws fuck severely.#eyelash thingies....#hed probably end up cutting his hair short again but yk. wanna draw him with whatever the fuck that style is#is it a mullet? WHO KNOWS!
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they are doing some spy vs spy shit to eachother
#my art#autobot jazz#soundwave#transformers#you can tell that i havent drawn soundwave in a while lol#jazz took me like 3 minutes and soundwave took forever#anyways no hate to people who ship them i do think theyd respect eachother a lot#but i think its so fucking funny when soundwave is like 'MAN FUCK THAT GUY HE KEEPS BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE AND EATING MY KIDS FRUIT GUMMIES#meanwhile jazz is like 'hey man. whats up. nice pick w the scooby doo ones those are great'#I FORGOT TO DRAW A SINGLE LINE TO SHOW THAT JAZZ IS RESTING ON A COUNTER. whatever you didnt even notice
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It’s disability pride month, and if you are disabled in the U.S. from Long Covid I want you to know that you’re not alone, and you’re valid in whatever you feel. Whether that’s sorrow at your new problems or rage at society for failing you, you are valid, and it is truly messed up that society is continuing to fail you.
#disability#trauma#chronic illness#long COVID#COVID#Tbh I’m not sure if I have long covid or not but I keep swinging between despair and fury#The brain fog SUCKS#I might have always had it but it feels especially bad now?#And I have all kinds of respiratory problems that got exacerbated#And possibly chronic fatigue but it’s unclear#And I’m one of the lucky ones!!!#I can still exercise without needing three days of bed rest after!#I was so RELIEVED when it turned out I could do that#I did like. Three weeks of breathing rehab to make sure#Not sure if it helped but now I’m not getting post-exertional backlash nearly as much anymore#And I didn’t lose my sense of smell or get my taste messed up#And I don’t need a respirator just an inhaler and some allergy meds and to take frequent breaks#And like. I know so many people have it worse#And that suuuuucks#But EVEN THIS makes me want to scream and rail half the time#Update as of Sept 2024 — this is no longer true#Got Covid again and now I can’t exercise without being too tired to move for three days#🙃#Probably will die mad about this actually#I had SUCH a good time working out one night#But then the next morning#Nope#head-to-toe muscle pain#couldn’t do any chores#Couldn’t even feed myself
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Trademark: Top-tier Bucktommy writer + generally Cool + getting Buck pregnant
Thank you + thank you + thank you!
#i really do keep meaning to write some actual mpreg fic but it keeps getting swept away by other ideas#like the alien invasion fic i'm dying to write#where tommy gets called to fly against them while the lafd is busy on the ground trying to save lives amid the chaos#and they get word that the entire ragtag squadron of which tommy was a part gets wiped out#buck is so devastated he just shuts down and works himself nearly to death trying to save people trying to make tommy's sacrifice worth it#in a week LA is in ruins and the 118 is barely holding on when they get word that another wave of alien ships is headed their way#they know this is it and just as the ships crest the horizon -- there's one ship that suddenly breaks formation and turns on the others#completely stunned the 118 watches as the ship guns down half of the others then leads the rest on a wild chase#and then eddie shouts 'those are american military flight maneuvers! whoever's flying that thing is on our side!'#buck thinks about the first time he visited the harbor station and he'd jokingly asked everyone for dirt on tommy#and tommy's teammate nico was like 'i don't know about dirt but i can tell you right now: that guy can fly literally anything'#buck watches this one ship attempt the impossible while bobby's on the radio telling anyone who might be listening#that one of their own has commandeered an enemy ship and is holding off the next wave and needs immediate support#eventually the ship lands clumsily on a crumbling rooftop and buck runs up a hundred flights of stairs and bursts onto the roof#just in time to see tommy come stumbling out of the ship -- obviously having been through it and like missing an eye or something#and when tommy sees buck his face just crumbles and buck's already sobbing as they limp-run at each other#crashing together crying and laughing and buck slides to the ground clutching tommy while the rest of the 118 pile onto the roof#and they watch a squadron of f-15s descend from the clouds to take out the straggler ships and it feels like the tide is turning#yeah it's basically independence day but with 2000% more angst
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While I love the storyline where Alfred was there from day one and helped raise Bruce, I think the original where he’s just some guy who shows up one day and Bruce and Dick just have to cope is extremely funny
#Alfred belongs in the family because he really is just as insane as the rest of them#he just knocked on their door and said I live here now#and both dick and Bruce are like ???#but then he learns their secret and he’s like cool!#I can also be a great detective!#and he isn’t but he really good at getting things accidentally#give me weirdo Alfred that becomes the respected father figure over time#and all the younger robins know him as the family butler who been there ages and knows Bruce better than anyone#and they’re like it’s really great he had someone when he was younger#and then they find out that’s not true#he was just a guy that showed up#and forced his way into the family#a lot like the rest of them#but it still absolutely throws them for a loop#so they try not to think about it too hard#can you imagine Gordon??#oh Bruce I didn’t know your family had a butler#oh we didn’t he just showed up one day#Gordon: ????#the fact that dick was part of Bruce’s life first#is something so personal to me#and the fact that he was there watching Alfred break and enter his way into the family#is something so funny to me#batman comics#batman#bruce wayne#dick grayson#alfred pennyworth
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Hey if you're a white person (as I am too!) and reading the stuff about End OTW Racism (@end-otw-racism) is making you uncomfortable CONGRATULATIONS THATS THE POINT bipoc have been uncomfortable in fandom for decades and some of yall can't face being uncomfortable for five seconds and still have the gall to have shit like BLM in your descriptions.
Put your money where your mouth is. Be uncomfortable. Actually read what they're talking about and what changes they're proposing instead of jumping right to BuT wHaT aBoUt My DaRk FiC (they want to protect your dark fic and help ensure you're safer from harassment over it!)and ThEy'Re PrO-cEnSoRsHiP (they are explicitly not).
I'm so fucking tired of having my posts and those I reblog on this topic largely ignored on my personal account, but ESPECIALLY I'm furious about how ignored posts on racism in fandom are when I put them on the danmei art sideblogs.
I see racism every single fucking DAY as part of running those accounts. This isn't some nebulous thing happening elsewhere, this is us!
If you don't care, I really need you to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself WHY DONT I CARE?
Because YOU SHOULD FUCKING CARE.
#unforth rambles#end racism in the otw#end otw racism#i was already at my breaking point on this issue a month ago when i started talking more about microaggressions in the mdzs tag#now seeing how impossible it is to get people to give a shit ive moved to fucking FURIOUS#WHY ARENT MORE PEOPLE ANGRY I DONT UNDERSTAND#(i do understand#its racism taking rhe form of complacency and disinterest#from people who have the privilege to ignore it because it makes them uncomfortable and doesnt harm them directly#im honestly gettibg so disgusted#do better white fandom)#im a jewish white woman with biracial kids#it horrifies me to realize that im genuinely not sure if the circles im in would be safe for my half black kids to join#im genuinely not sure i can let my kids join fandom when they get old enough#for fear of what they'll be exposed to here#do yall even realize what a fucking indictment that is?#note this is mostly not aimed at my mutuals#yall are awesome and ilu#but i only have about 75 mutuals#what about the rest of my 1900 followers like wtf guys
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Fought 'til you tethered me, swept under surfaces, never enough of it...
#911#buddie#911edit#buddieedit#911 on fox#911 fox#911 abc#evanbuckleyedit#eddiediazedit#my edit#otp: you don't need to pretend with me#usercam#at this point i should have a cemetery tag lol#flashing tw#i need a gracie tag dont I?#die on their watch.#so i was thinking earlier and if youve been around here any length of time you know i think about that cemetery scene a lot#because narratively its very interesting scene because i changes the tone of their relationship in comparison to the rest of the show reall#and its a fascinating choice. even the whole point that of the conversation happening at a cemetery where theyre visiting someone who didn'#but i have a tendency to look at that scene from eddies eyes#because when you look at it along with all of eddies reactions surrounding bucks death and the reactions eddie was having to bucks words#that feels like a breakup. if feels like were watching eddies heart break in real time yk?#BUT buck is very purposeful in this scene too. he's basically daring eddie to say something but eddie just thinks that he needs to agree#and if you look at it that way and think about it as buck asking for a reaction you can argue buck feels rejected here too#even tho eddie thinks hes being supportive#they are saying things and they are being misinterpreted. both of them leave that talk with different views of what happened#and thats VERY interesting with how strongly the show pushed buck eddie and chris as a family unity in the episodes before#and well i dont really know how the show plans to recover from that. if they plan on doing it at all. but like#that was a breakup. but if its a breakup where both of them think they got broken up with. how do you come back?#eddie diaz
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starting to feel my enjoyment of cooking seeping back in after a long period of intense burnout that had me really slogging along preparing meals with gritted teeth for a good month there. i credit the return of this spark to the much needed break i took on our 3 day vacation that resulted in us eating solely theme park food. while delicious, in all its greasy overpriced glory, i found myself missing the kitchen. so last night for dinner i made heavily spiced chicken wings with crushed peppercorns and garam masala that rendered slowly in its own fat while roasting in the oven, resulting in flavorful charred crisp skin and a really juicy bite. we picked them clean over steamed rice with lime and scallions. i also baked a loaf of marbled pumpkin and dark chocolate bread yesterday for my neighbor as a thank you for doing me a favor last week. it looked delicious. the crumb was tender and plush and velvety, the spiced ginger molasses pumpkin batter swirling alongside the bitter dark chocolate espresso batter, with puddles of dark chocolate bubbling across its top. it looked so lovely i whipped up a second one for us to have for ourselves that's in the oven now, i think it could be a really good breakfast pastry for us this week.
#ugh it feels sooooooooo good to be enjoying cooking again#it was so bad the last like month or so i just#have been sooooo burnt out#it's genuinely insane what a 3 day vacation can do to reset you :(( it makes me sad lol#i wish that everyone could rest to their hearts content forever#i think i am someone who is extremely prone to burnout and i need about quadruple the amount of quiet alone resting time#that the average person does#so when i get burned out its like excruciating to pull myself out of it again#but im also the primary cook of my household so there isn't really time to take a break and recharge and find my joy for it because#we have to eat lol#3 times a day#every day#forever#BUT#i am feeling so much better about things now after making that dinner and baking a little bit#its feeling soooo autumnal around here lately too which helps#the changing of the seasons is so good for my cooking motivationg#idk#i was feeling pretty depressed that i was starting to resent cooking for a while there since when i enjoy it it's like#life-giving#soul sustaining#wonderful hobby that gives my life purpose and meaning#and it was breaking my heart that i wasn't feeling that way anymore#but i can feel myself coming back#writing about food helps me too#something about describing it#and sharing it with other people who are delighted by it#makes me enjoy it a little extra#sigh#i feel like im returning to myself finally !!!
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