#breaking the distance

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[andi-o-geyser]

despite how you feel about the changes from the stream to the show, if you like or dislike them, i love how inherently hilarious the narrative path tlovm is taking regarding perc’ahlia is because a situationship would literally kill campaign percy and vex like how the internet would kill a small victorian child. they are NOT built for that

[frostedpuffs]

i need adrienette to be closer than ever actually. they're both traumatized af i want them attached at the hip and a little obsessed w each other. i want them slightly unhealthy and codependent. they've been through so much shit together and now that they have each other i want them to sink their claws in and never let go

[sweatandwoe]

I think the funniest bg3 thing is Astarion trying to actively dislike kids in act 1 to getting his personal autonomy and hope back to act 3 where if you think about hurting kids in any capacity he'd kill you

Man got memed to oblivion about being an asshole to kids only to go full dad mode in act 3

[cj-the-random-artist]

Hello, have some season 10 Impulse Gem and Pearl, for funsies

Enjoy :D

[popcorn-milk]

y’all wont believe what i’ve been up to

please dont take this or repost it anywhere thank youuu — popcorn-milk 2024

@nutluvs thank you for sitting on call with me while i made this love youuu /p

og under cut :)

[sceebybeeby]

did y'all's journals also come with this page? i haven't seen anyone else talk about it

(page pngs and thoughts under read more)

(code says "when i write 'house' my ink turns blue)

(code says "didn't develop or in the hallway?")

i think i niche'd too close to the sun, but my thought process was basically what if the navidson record was real in the gravity falls universe through an outside lens? (and also took place in the 80's) and then it made me think about how both ford and navidson are similar in their obsessions and need to figure things out over "caring" about the people around them, so narratively it makes sense, i think that ford would be too fascinated by the house to ever learn his name which is why he's referred to as "the stranger." i also wanted to show the difference between navidson and ford by having their cameras be different, ford's can only produce sepia while navidson's is in color. i don't think i got his voice down and it's probably clunky but c'est la vie this was more style practice than anything

[thunderandsage]

the only way i see a svsss live action that fully captures the insanity of shen qingqiu’s inner monologue is a fleabag-style aside where all the millenial/internet slang is dropped at 100 mph before it switches back to “oh… there goes the qing jing peak lord… so calm… so composed…”

[itz-pandora]

Thanks Anon, Shadamy is now something that happens in the misc AU, albeit brief.

[all-yourn]

destiel & "your love is killing me" by sharon van etten

[qoldenskies]

i think about splinter walking in on the aftermath of caged lungs a lot

[nobeerreviews]

I am losing precious days. I am degenerating into a machine for making money. I am learning nothing in this trivial world of men. I must break away and get out into the mountains to learn the news.

-- John Muir

(Interlaken, Switzerland)

[stagefoureddiediaz]

We’re totally getting Tommy saying something about Eddie ‘being around all the time’ aren’t we!

[serpentface]

Don't get too attached

[panlight]

Keeping Up with the Cullens - BD Episode 2, pt. 4.

[haleyincarnate]

I don’t talk about how your mother’s name still pops up as a recent contact on Facebook messenger. I don’t talk about how the Christmas tree I bought stands tall in your apartment as a pyre, burning in warm light. I don’t talk about the one-worded replies, the corners of my bedroom you still haunt. I don’t talk about how I will always feel a mother to your dogs. I don’t talk about the plushies won at an arcade sitting in the back window of my car, the Polaroid of us shoved out of sight into the center console. I don’t talk about the bathroom door and the violence it has seen. I don’t talk about my dreams and your hair knotted in my fists like a lifeline, raw desperation to hold on. I don’t talk about how my number in your phone still bears the nickname you gave me. I don’t talk about the wailing my favorite stuffed animal has witnessed. I don’t think about how years and years of love and living can be shrunk down to fit in the palm of my hand, how it has morphed from soft cotton to a shard of glass. I don’t talk about the matching necklaces still hanging on the curtain rod in your bedroom. I don’t talk about one of two identical sweaters hanging deep in the back of my closet. I don’t talk about my mom still buying your dogs presents, my grandparents holding on to a Christmas card for you.  I don’t talk about the ache of loss in my chest but god, is it there. It is there. 

WHAT I DON'T TALK ABOUT (AND OTHER LIES) // Haley Hendrick