#breaking the distance
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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despite how you feel about the changes from the stream to the show, if you like or dislike them, i love how inherently hilarious the narrative path tlovm is taking regarding perc’ahlia is because a situationship would literally kill campaign percy and vex like how the internet would kill a small victorian child. they are NOT built for that
#their entire relationship is so deeply implied like they fall in LOVE with each other#they don’t just love each other they become friends; teammates; family; and over the course of 3+ years they fall so completely in love#it is the slowest burn to ever slow burn and it is so glorious#and most critically they really feel they would not be good for each other at first so they keep their distance from a relationship#and only once falling so entirely for the other do they start to admit the depths of that feeling#they would never. and i mean NEVER break the tension and jump to sex halfway through#those motherfuckers are so stubborn i SWEAR tal was about to kill percy himself without ever admitting he loved vex#laura bailey had to forcibly pull him back from the edge like literally what the fuuuck#and vex was never planning to confess either!! neither of them were!! that’s insane!!!#anyways. imagining them watching this alt universe of them fooling around before glintshore is soooo funny to me. they’d be so confused#critical role#cr1#tlovm#the legend of vox machina#tlovm spoilers#tlovm season 3#vox machina#percy de rolo#vex’ahlia#cr spoilers#lovm#legend of vox machina#perc'ahlia#percy x vex
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i need adrienette to be closer than ever actually. they're both traumatized af i want them attached at the hip and a little obsessed w each other. i want them slightly unhealthy and codependent. they've been through so much shit together and now that they have each other i want them to sink their claws in and never let go
#genuinely i think if this show went the break up route itd be SOOO boring. its too overdone and too easy.#like have the main couple actually work things out for once instead of giving up when things get hard#adrien loves marinette dearly and she loves him desperately. even if i can see marinette distancing herself#or wanting a break for Adrien's sake#i think he'd beg her not to#he cant lose her too#even if shes hurt him he loves her. and he still wants her in his life and wants to love her.#text post#miraculous#controversial opinion maybe but breaking them up would almost feel like a cop out for something more interesting#ml spoilers#ml london special
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I think the funniest bg3 thing is Astarion trying to actively dislike kids in act 1 to getting his personal autonomy and hope back to act 3 where if you think about hurting kids in any capacity he'd kill you
Man got memed to oblivion about being an asshole to kids only to go full dad mode in act 3
#hes joining Halsin with the orphans in my mind#crying and holding babies#little beings he gave up hope of ever holding#astarion#bg3#his changes of approval get to me man#approving of helping Yenna and Arabella#thinking about him keeping his distance from kids because of the gur kids breaks my heart#man is traumatized we must let him girldad in time like he was meant to do
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Hello, have some season 10 Impulse Gem and Pearl, for funsies
Enjoy :D
#hermitcraft#hermitcraft fanart#hermitcraft season 10#hermitcraft season 10 fanart#impulsesv#impulsesv fanart#geminitay#geminitay fanart#pearlescentmoon#pearlescentmoon fanart#hi it’s been a while I took a social media break#gonna continue being at a distance from social media but hello I am kind of here again now
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did y'all's journals also come with this page? i haven't seen anyone else talk about it
(page pngs and thoughts under read more)
(code says "when i write 'house' my ink turns blue)
(code says "didn't develop or in the hallway?")
i think i niche'd too close to the sun, but my thought process was basically what if the navidson record was real in the gravity falls universe through an outside lens? (and also took place in the 80's) and then it made me think about how both ford and navidson are similar in their obsessions and need to figure things out over "caring" about the people around them, so narratively it makes sense, i think that ford would be too fascinated by the house to ever learn his name which is why he's referred to as "the stranger." i also wanted to show the difference between navidson and ford by having their cameras be different, ford's can only produce sepia while navidson's is in color. i don't think i got his voice down and it's probably clunky but c'est la vie this was more style practice than anything
#gravity falls#gravity falls fanart#stanford pines#fiddleford mcgucket#house of leaves#this is not the first time i've crossed over something with house of leaves#and it won't be the last#this is my account i can do whatever#what if x met y#if you look too close the illusion breaks so keep it social distanced#truant is here somewhere probably#also i forgot what happened which is why there's a blank photo
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the only way i see a svsss live action that fully captures the insanity of shen qingqiu’s inner monologue is a fleabag-style aside where all the millenial/internet slang is dropped at 100 mph before it switches back to “oh… there goes the qing jing peak lord… so calm… so composed…”
#i once saw an analysis that positions that breaking the 4th wall is fleabag disassociating#which would work brilliantly with sqq as he constantly tries to distance himself from the reality of what he’s doing/what’s happening#first clue that shang qinghua is a transmigrator is that he notices sqq talking to the “camera”#scum villain’s self saving system#svsss#shen qingqiu#shen yuan
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Thanks Anon, Shadamy is now something that happens in the misc AU, albeit brief.
#shadow does love amy but he feels so insecure about not being a “real person” that he distances himself from her#they are still very close tho!! shadow is just hesitant#Amy goes out of her way for him and he doesn't understand why. he's not trying to win her over even tho he really likes her#they have a bit of a relationship for a while! shadow lets himself be with her and honestly those are his happiest moments.#after prime he withdrawals from everyone so he kinda breaks up with her (he's the most insecure and terrified hes ever been)#later they build back their friendship but they're mostly platonic#when Amy and Neo Metal become a thing Shadow lets go of any romantic feelings he has#he respects her new relationship and it doesn't bother him that shes with Neo#it does make him a bit insecure (because he wonders if Amy just LIKES ROBOTS??? so it's his regular identity crisis stuff)#anyways they're “love like you” coded#my art#art#sonic the hedgehog#sonic#my au#miscellaneous au#shadow the hedgehog#amy rose#shadamy
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destiel & "your love is killing me" by sharon van etten
#break my legs so i wont run to you! steal my soul so i am ooooone with youuu! from a distance i am oooonto you but ill stab my eyes out so i#cant seeeee#///#ill take any excuse to use that scene from 5x18 where cas carves the angel banishing sigil between his tiddies#sharon van etten#your love is killing me#are we there#supernatural#spn#spncreatorsdaily#spnamvarchive#spn edit#spn amv#my amv#e#dean winchester#castiel#deancas#destiel#spn 6x20#spn 6x21
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y’all wont believe what i’ve been up to
please dont take this or repost it anywhere thank youuu — popcorn-milk 2024
@nutluvs thank you for sitting on call with me while i made this love youuu /p
og under cut :)
#titanfall 2#jack cooper#bt 7274#meme redraw#baking my long distance bf into a cookie because i miss him#titanfall#digital art#artists on tumblr#titanfall fanart#jack goes back to his homeplanet and family farm to take a break from pilot stuff#his ass needs to be put in therapy he just emo bakes all the time#pinned my own art
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I am losing precious days. I am degenerating into a machine for making money. I am learning nothing in this trivial world of men. I must break away and get out into the mountains to learn the news.
-- John Muir
(Interlaken, Switzerland)
#mountains#distance#breaking away#john muir#travel photography#switzerland#interlaken#quote#blue sky
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We’re totally getting Tommy saying something about Eddie ‘being around all the time’ aren’t we!
#and buck will try to tell Tommy that Eddie’s not in a great place right now#and Tommy will say yes but Evan we need time for just us and buck will agree#and he’ll start to stop inviting Eddie to everything#creating a distance between them#and Eddie will have his spiral about Catholicism and being gay#and buck will figure out that Tommy is Eddie lite and that actually that’s not what he wants#that he wants what he’s had with Eddie all along - family and home and having each others back#and he’ll never have that with Tommy#but eddie is straight so is it better to be with Tommy and try to make it work even if it’s not what he wants#meanwhile eddie will go to Texas as part of his journey - he’ll reunite with Chris and they will heal#and Eddie will come out#buck will miss Eddie while he’s gone and break things off with Tommy because it’s not what he wants and it’s not fair to lead Tommy on#Eddie and Chris come home and buck and Eddie fall back into what they were before only it’s slightly to the left - it’s more flirty and#the space that had grown between them is closed and they’re more in sync than ever before#and then something happens that leads to confessions and they get together#911 spoilers#eddie diaz#evan buckley#911 abc#anti bucktommy#buddie#Tommy is a plot device
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Don't get too attached
#Brakul did a lot of the parenting for Erubi (the first of the Janeys-Brakul-Hibrides throuple bastard children) in infancy especially due#to Hibrides going through absolutely horrific post-partum depression (and not wanting to be a parent to begin with. Like she#had accepted it as an inevitability and a duty but when it actually happened it was just like Oh God. I am in hell)#Brakul is the only one of the three that actually Wants to be a parent and the fact that he can't behave as such in order to avoid#suspicion that he's the father is kind of a living nightmare for him a little.#Not like he isn't involved in his ''''nieces''' lives given he lives in the same household but he has to keep a bit of distance.#Janeys and especially Hibrides are pretty unsympathetic about this. For Hibrides it's like she has had to go through so much shit#to maintain this situation she never asked to be a part of and when he has to go through a fraction of that he breaks the fuck down.#He only wants the benefits of the whole situation and isn't willing to deal with the consequences.#This is also one of the very few things she's sympathetic with Janeys about like she respects that he's at least willing to play#his part and be miserable without bitching to her about it. Like she fucking hates him but respects the commitment to the bit.#Janeys is more just like 'Just go make more kids if you want your own so damn bad. Get a wife or something. That's what I#had to do and look at me I'm doing great I'm so normal'#The two kids aren't present on the pilgrimage (back home under the care of a hired tutor) but the Janeys-Brakul-Hibrides#Feeling Triangle are in a fucking tailspin over her being pregnant again like goddddd not this shit again#brakul red dog
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I don’t talk about how your mother’s name still pops up as a recent contact on Facebook messenger. I don’t talk about how the Christmas tree I bought stands tall in your apartment as a pyre, burning in warm light. I don’t talk about the one-worded replies, the corners of my bedroom you still haunt. I don’t talk about how I will always feel a mother to your dogs. I don’t talk about the plushies won at an arcade sitting in the back window of my car, the Polaroid of us shoved out of sight into the center console. I don’t talk about the bathroom door and the violence it has seen. I don’t talk about my dreams and your hair knotted in my fists like a lifeline, raw desperation to hold on. I don’t talk about how my number in your phone still bears the nickname you gave me. I don’t talk about the wailing my favorite stuffed animal has witnessed. I don’t think about how years and years of love and living can be shrunk down to fit in the palm of my hand, how it has morphed from soft cotton to a shard of glass. I don’t talk about the matching necklaces still hanging on the curtain rod in your bedroom. I don’t talk about one of two identical sweaters hanging deep in the back of my closet. I don’t talk about my mom still buying your dogs presents, my grandparents holding on to a Christmas card for you. I don’t talk about the ache of loss in my chest but god, is it there. It is there.
WHAT I DON'T TALK ABOUT (AND OTHER LIES) // Haley Hendrick
#hmh#hmhwriting#poetry#poem#writing#poets on tumblr#writers of tumblr#relationship#break up#loss#heartbreak#distance
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"bakudeku or rodydeku" actually i think both can and should be true
#endgame bkdk for me obv but like. during whm rodydeku have their summer fling and do long distance for a bit when deku leaves#eventually they decide to break up but it's v mutual. not angsty in the slightest#but rody becomes deku's number 1 supporter when it comes to his crush on bakugo#eventually bkdk get together and rody + pino are cheering on the sidelines#bkdk#bakudeku#rodydeku#mha#bnha#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#world heroes mission#rody soul#bakugo katuski#izuku midoriya
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YES YES YISSSS
i cant believe my boyfriend and i went from being long distance to living together with a cat. like. wow. love is real and it can work out
#he’s the love of my life#mine#i’m so lucky#breaking the distance#engaged#My Baby#why is this so similar to what we lived?
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