#his part and be miserable without bitching to her about it. Like she fucking hates him but respects the commitment to the bit.

[serpentface]

Don't get too attached

[keikikait]

ᴋɴᴜᴄᴋʟᴇ ᴠᴇʟᴠᴇᴛ (ᴀ ꜱᴛʀᴀɴɢᴇʀꜱ ᴇᴘɪʟᴏɢᴜᴇ)

this is the epilogue to my strangers story, which you can find on my masterlist

pairing: gojo x f!reader (not au, gojo is 29, reader is early-mid 20’s)

word count: 1.4k

summary: after your fight with gojo, he goes to your apartment to explain himself

warnings: TW: DEATH, talk of stalking, angst??????

a note: this is the epilogue

please reblog and like, it means a lot! let me know what you think!

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“Maybe if you weren’t such a bitch I would fall in love with you faster.”

“Fine. Go with him. See if I fucking care. You’ll come crawling back to me after you realise he isn’t any different.”

Ever since you left him, and slammed the door in his face, Gojo hasn’t stopped thinking about you.

Gojo contemplated reaching out to you. To talk to you at work instead of just ignoring you, but he can’t do it. He wants you to grovel, to beg on your knees for his forgiveness, to admit you need him to protect you. Soon enough, he realised that you weren’t coming back. You were moving on and with Nanami of all people? You were supposed to be his, the toy he abandoned when he got bored. He was always content knowing that you’d always be on the top shelf when he wanted you again, free from the reach of any other man.

Gojo's heart, a tempest of turbulent feelings, refused to relinquish its claim on you. You were his, not Nanami’s. He felt something rising within him, a possessive urge to get you back, whether you liked it or not. Yet, the ache of unreciprocated longing gnawed at his resolve, leaving him suspended in a realm of uncertainty. He decided, after a while, to begin following you.

You never noticed him. You didn’t look around much. You felt safe walking alone through the streets of Tokyo, never turning around to see if anyone was following you. You were naïve, just how he liked you. Part of him knew this was wrong, to stalk his ex and peep into her windows when she wasn’t looking, but he was just protecting you! What if you got hurt? What if Nanami decided to hurt you? You were nothing without him, you couldn’t stand up for yourself. You needed Gojo, and he needed you.

He watched from the shadows as Nanami rejected you, claiming you weren’t girlfriend material. Gojo agreed, to an extent, but it did break his heart to watch you cry as you made your way home. He was so focused on Nanami, on the way he casually went back to eating as if you never existed, that he didn’t follow you home while you cried. You were vulnerable, and he knew that, but he couldn’t bring himself to start walking after you.

Gojo almost confronted Nanami. Almost. He thought it over and realised how hypocritical he would sound. He was angry at Nanami for rejecting you, yet he did the same thing. Gojo held your heart in his hands, promising he would take care of it, only to squish it under his boots when you pissed him off. He didn’t want you, not in the way you wanted him, but he hated to think about you with somebody else.

He grounded himself and began the walk to your apartment. Gojo was, although he would never admit it, miserable without you. He missed his baby, his girl, his doll, the one who would greet him eagerly in the evenings with a homecooked meal and a kiss. He missed holding you in his arms as you watched a cooking show, he missed the peaceful look on your face as you fell asleep in his arms.

Did he love you? Or did he love the idea of you in his head?

Emotions surged through Gojo’s body, filling him to the brim with a turbulent mix of longing and resentment. Suguru’s treachery had left him feeling broken and discarded, left behind to rot, and after that day he vowed to never love again. Love breeds hope, and hope breeds eternal misery. He started to resent himself, after all, he was the reason Suguru would never come back home. Gojo didn’t sleep for months after Suguru left. He waited up for him, hoping Suguru would come back and apologise, but he never did. He was so alone without Suguru, and he was so alone without you, too.

As Gojo nears your apartment building, he starts to realise that he and Suguru were always alike. They both abandoned someone they cared about, and Gojo wondered if Suguru felt as guilty as he did. Did Suguru miss him? Did Suguru ever love him the way you do?

He enters the code into the gate, pushes the door open, and walks up the stairs towards your apartment. He didn’t know what he was going to say to you. He couldn’t profess his love, it didn’t feel right, but maybe if he lied to you, you would stay. Maybe if he lied and told you he loved you, you would be naïve and gullible enough to believe him. 

He makes it up the last flight of stairs, heading down the long corridor. For the first time in a long time, he feels anxiety. He wants you to stay with him. He needs you. Did you need him anymore? He feels so powerless and weak, and he hates it. He shouldn’t be doing this, he should just move on and find another girl to toy with, but he couldn’t. Gojo, deep down, wished you two had never even met, because he was having a hard time forgetting and moving on. Or did he get you confused with Suguru? If Suguru hadn’t broken his heart, would he love you?

He turns the corner and stops in his tracks.

Your door is wide open.

Gojo knew you weren’t stupid enough to leave your door open. You were naïve, yes, but you weren’t dumb. He steps closer, and suddenly, all at once, his world comes crashing down.

You’re lying there, in your doorway, surrounded by a pool of your own blood. Your throat is slashed, practically ripped out, with claw marks decorating your legs, arms, and torso, as if you were mauled by wolves. 

For the first time since his fateful encounter with Suguru, Gojo cries. Overwhelmed by a surge of emotions, he drops to his knees, desperately reaching out to grasp you. With trembling hands, he pulls you close to his chest, clinging to the faint hope that somehow, against all odds, you might still be alive. He pushes your hair away from your face, matted with blood, and he cups your cheeks, shouting at you to wake up. To be his again.

He grabs you, holding you close, and notices that your heart is missing, ripped out of your chest, a gaping hole in its wake. 

As he holds you in his arms, fingers stained with the crimson hue of blood, fear grips his heart, a visceral reminder of the fragility of life. He holds your head up gently, terrified that if he were to let go, it would slip away and tumble off of your shoulders. His silent cries reverberate through the air, echoing the profound loss and longing that consumes him. The mere act of holding you close becomes an act of defiance against fate, a desperate attempt to defy the cruel hand that has torn you apart.

He pulls out his phone, his hands shaking as he dials 119, blood smearing on his phone and causing it to almost slip from his grasp. He holds the phone to his ear as he looks down at you, surrounded by blood, yet still so beautiful. You look almost at peace, as if in your final moments you were content with dying. Did you think of him in your final moments? 

As his gaze followed the widening circle of blood, he noticed something else in the periphery of his vision. It was a familiar sight, something akin to Megumi's Shikigami, its form wavering and shifting, almost as if it were made of smoke. It circled you, its ethereal eyes seeming to study your body intently.

In the haunting darkness, the wolves that had stalked your every step, their taunts echoing like eerie whispers, were cursed spirits, bound to the shadows. And Gojo, in all of his strength and power, had kept them at bay for so long. His mere presence was strong enough to protect you from the darkness that sought to consume you.

As he dialed another number, Nanami’s, he was certain now, he had fallen in love with you. He didn’t want to admit it then, he was too scared to fall in love, he didn’t want you to abandon him, to toss him aside as effortlessly as Suguru did. He had spent so long thinking that his fate was bound to Suguru, intertwined in the stars, that he didn't think about how he was treating you, stringing you along as he waited for Suguru to return to him.

He was so caught up in how he had failed Suguru that he didn't realise he had failed you, too.

Nanami answers the phone after the third ring, and as Gojo fumbles to get the words out, he realises he isn't the strongest after all.

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★taglist: @heijihattorisgf, @strxxberries, @sadmonke, @mo0nforme, @whereflowerswenttodie, @mwtsxri, @tuliptoot, @certainduckanchor, @softhrted, @mystarlightswiftt, @kaizestar (italics mean i couldn't tag you)

[iheartpeppino]

Here's what I think the Pizza Tower cast thinks of Maurice Spaghetti...

Peppino: The poor guy can't stand Maurice. He's one of the biggest reasons Peppino doesn't come home for Christmas anymore. After putting up with his abuse for years, Peppino is just... tired of Maurice. He's tired of arguing. He just says, "I know," to every horrible thing his brother says about him. And the worst part is, Maurice seems to invite himself into Peppino's life whenever he least expects or wants it. This is because Maurice is such an asshole he literally has no friends and relies on Peppino for company.

Gustavo: He also can't stand Maurice. He HATES him, actually. Gustavo really cares about Peppino, so the fact his own brother treats him like shit infuriates him. He has threatened to kill Maurice before (remember Gustavo's catchphrase?), so Maurice is (rightfully) afraid of Gustavo.

Brick: Our rat buddy can smell a bad egg a mile away. He does NOT like Maurice and will hiss at him whenever he appears. Maurice claims that Brick is "the second-biggest rat [he's] ever seen", so he's... a little unnerved by the sight of him.

Mr. Stick: He hasn't met Maurice yet, but I guarantee you if he DID, he'd try to scam him out of a lot of money and would likely succeed. Cue Maurice crashing with Peppino until he can get his house back. Peppino is miserable and not amused by any of this.

Pepperman: Met Maurice during filming of The Noise's "Swap Mode" movie. Pepperman thinks Maurice is really unpleasant to deal with due to his negative attitude and close-minded outlook. Even a pseudo-intellectual like Pepperman runs circles around Maurice intellectually, which the pepper is happy to do, much to Maurice's frustration.

The Vigilante: Met Maurice during filming of The Noise's "Swap Mode" movie. He does NOT like him. He actually feels bad for Peppino; it must truly suck to have such an immoral piece of cow dung for a family member. Apparently the guy conned his own granny out of thousands of dollars! The Vigilante keeps a very close eye on Maurice the whole time they're around each other. Maurice feels his sins crawling on his back the whole time.

The Noise: He's generally neutral towards Maurice. He thinks all the mean things Maurice says about Peppino are funny. It's when Maurice starts spouting racist rhetoric he's like, "DUDE" and rendered completely speechless because... well, he's never heard Peppino talk like that, so where'd his fucking brother get it from!? Anyway... The Noise only hangs around Maurice if he needs him for something, like annoying Peppino. Maurice has tried befriending The Noise, inviting him to hang out, but The Noise isn't interested in being friends with a racist prick. He does, however, want to remain on Maurice's good side in case he needs him, so he just makes up excuses about being too busy.

Noisette: Noisette is not the kind of person who hates people easily. She tries to see the good in everyone. However, she sees no good in Maurice. She hates him, openly, and without regret. She hates the mean things he says about Peppino. All the bigoted, ignorant blather he spews. How he once assaulted an innocent laundromat worker and called her a bitch just because she told him he couldn't pay to do laundry using nickels. Noisette growls like a rabid dog whenever Maurice is around. Maurice is (rightfully) terrified of Noisette...

Fake Peppino: Our favorite frog man met Maurice during filming The Noise's "Swap Mode" movie... he doesn't like him at all. Maurice is loud, mean, and generally unpleasant. When they were filming Swap Mode's Fake Peppino boss fight, Fake Peppino actually tried to kill Maurice. The Noise had to step in and scare Fake Peppino off. Fake Peppino had to pretend he was simply getting a little too into his role instead of trying to actively hunt down Maurice. Playing dumb. Playing pretend... and sneaking a hiss or growl in Maurice's direction when no one else is looking. Maurice is absolutely terrified.

Pizzahead: Met Maurice during the "Swap Mode" movie. Holy mozzarella sticks, this schmuck is Peppino's brother!? And he... bullies Peppino? WHAT THE FUCK, THAT'S HIS JOB!! Pizzahead acts polite and even friendly towards Maurice at first, but as soon as they're alone together, he very calmly threatens Maurice's life, telling him to leave Peppino alone or else, all with a big, unnerving smile on his face. Maurice practically pisses himself in fear as he's forced to agree... for now...

Pillar John: Met Maurice during filming of "Swap Mode". Decided he absolutely did not like him, judging him for every hateful word that came out of his mouth. Fortunately, Maurice is so terrified of Pillar John's sheer size and strength, he doesn't pull his usual bullshit with the big guy.

Gerome: Met Maurice during filming of "Swap Mode". Gerome doesn't like Maurice at all, but he's not too bothered by his presence. In fact, he completely manages to ignore him. Maurice is insulted, but he's not about to talk shit about Pillar John's brother...

[jennay]

Come Back Home

Jolly x reader

An: Random idea I had that I got stuck on and required way too much help from @a-villain-vying-for-attention then decided to make her a character since she basically came up with the ideas and I wrote it. Lol thanks for being my shadow writer for times when my brain decides it's done thinking.

Words 2200

Jolly Master List

This is chunked into four sections bear with me. I hate transitional writing 😂

"Please don't tell them. They'll just worry, and next thing you know, they'll be at my door, and it's just not the right timing for me to come back. I need to finish my work here, and it's not completely horrible. I think I just miss everyone, and I feel isolated." You admit over Facetime to your best friend, Kayla. "It just wasn't supposed to be like this. “Moving away from you guys was literally one of the worst decisions I've made."

Kayla sighs, "I don't mean to say I told you so, but I did." She laughs, "But the worst part is, Noah told you, Jolly told you, and you still just said bye bitches. Do you know how sad it is not to have you here? I have to deal with them all the time, by MYSELF."

You peel yourself off the couch, dragging your feet through the dining room and to the back door.

You brace yourself for the inevitable assault of the sun, but it still hurts like hell when you open the door and get blasted by its rays. "Fuck." You groan. "It's bright." You squint your eyes and cover them with your hand as you stumble to the camping chair you set up on your porch for such occasions. You hated the daylight. You wished you could be a nocturnal creature, but sadly, you had to pretend to be a responsible adult, even if you sucked at it.

"Wow, look at you, Dracula." She mocks you from the other side of the video call. "You look like you're about to die over there, paler than a ghost and skinnier than a twig. Do I need to come over and feed you some blood? I know it's only been six months, but I will literally come over and mother you to death. I'll bring Noah too, and we'll play house. God knows we need some practice." She flashes a big smile. "You know, for the future and all that jazz."

You laugh, shaking your head, "This is new for you!"

"Yeah, well, now I'm just working on convincing Noah that it's a good idea." She tucks her hair behind her ears. "So I need you to come back because I'm not raising these imaginary kids without their badass aunt."

You roll your eyes at her, "These kids don't even exist yet, so I think we have some time, and besides, I don't know if I'll feel any better moving back. If I have to watch HIM date other people and it not be me…well, I'd rather stay here and suffer in silence."

"Well, he's miserable without you, and why are we not using his name?" She laughs again. "Mopping and shit, constantly.”

You shrug, "I think he's probably fine. I basically threw myself at him and got no reaction. I literally slept in his bed the night before I left." You pause, growing frustrated. "Maybe we're just supposed to be friends; maybe he only sees me as a friend. That's OK. I can't be mad about that, but it always felt like there was something more, you know?"

Kayla groans loudly, "You both suck. If you would've just let me meddle, I could've set you two up."

"I don't want you to set me up! I wanted something natural." You say with all seriousness. "I wanted him to say it."

From behind Kayla, Noah pokes his head into the view, "He's dumb...guys are dumb." He gives you a face that says, duh.

"Well, now I'm here, and I can just say fuck it. I'll find someone here."

Noah's laughter rings through the speaker, "And then break up because all you're gonna do is fucking compare the two and be a whiny baby about how he's not Jolly, so you had to break up? Fuck off, y/n." He chuckles again. "Just come home."

You shake your head, "No. You will have to come to drag my dead body home before I willingly come back."

Noah grabs the phone from Kayla's hand, and you meet with wide eyes. And in a serious tone, Noah says, "Dead or not, at least you'll be home where you belong."

Kayla, Noah, and Jolly were lounging on the couch, munching on some greasy take-out that Noah had ordered from the nearest pizza place. While Jolly was engrossed in the latest episode of Bob's Burgers, Kayla was shooting daggers at him with her eyes.

She couldn't stand the sight of him, acting like nothing was wrong, like he wasn't the reason her best friend wasn't living with them anymore.

Noah noticed his girlfriend's glare and chuckled softly, nudging her elbow with his. "Chill," he whispered in her ear.

"NO!" Kayla shouted, startling both Noah and Jolly. She slammed her food on the coffee table and turned to face Jolly with a furious expression. "I'm sick and tired of pretending like everything is fine. I want my friend back, and if this is what it takes to make you use your brain, then so be it!" She pointed an accusing finger at Jolly, who looked confused and scared. "You need to go get y/n back right now or get on the next flight to Sweden because I can't stand having you around. You make me so mad, both of you, pretending you don't care about each other. She's depressed as shit living there with her fuckin awful family, but she'd rather stay there than come home because of you!" She roughly gets off the couch and storms out of the room, heading for the stairs. "You're such an idiot," she yelled over her shoulder at Jolly.

Noah raised his eyebrows and bit his lip to stop laughing as he saw Jolly's dumbfounded face. Jolly put down his food and looked at Noah with a puzzled expression. "What did I do?" he asked innocently.

Noah shrugs and says, "I think it's more of what you didn't do…"

Kayla comes back down the stairs, holding her food in her hands. She glared at Jolly one more time and flipped him off, then walked out of the room. "Buy the damn ticket!" she screamed from the hallway.

Noah heard the door slam and shook his head. "Well," he said, standing up and grabbing his food. "There's your answer. Bring y/n home."

"How am I supposed to do that?" He loudly asks.

"I don't know but you need to figure it out, Kayla might actually kill you in your sleep."

You grab your coat and head for the door, feeling a sense of excitement and anticipation for the day ahead. You were going hiking with your sister and her husband, and you couldn't wait to explore the great outdoors with them. As you glance at the clock, you groan in annoyance, realizing you're running late again. You can't help but wonder why you're always so disorganized and frazzled.

You pull the door open, taking a deep breath of fresh air as you step outside. Suddenly, you're nearly choking on air as you see a familiar face staring back at you. Jolly stands there with a backpack over his shoulder, his long hair draped over his shoulders, and a black backward hat covering the top of his head. He's dressed in black skin jeans and a deep red plaided flannel, looking effortlessly stylish and cool.

Your shock disappears as quickly as it came, replaced by annoyance at the sight of Jolly. You can't help but feel irritated that he's here, disrupting your plans for the day. You'd be lying if you said you didn't feel a little bitter still.

"Hi." He quietly says, looking from you to the ground, feeling awkward. He hadn't planned what he was going to tell you.

"Can I come in?" he quietly asks.

You nod your head, stepping aside. "I was leaving, but I guess this kind of changes my plans," you say, rolling your eyes. "What are you even doing here?" You say as you follow him to the living room. "I've tried so hard not to think about you; I moved states, Jolly, and now you're at my house. Are you trying to make my life hard?" You don't sit down knowing you're too heated to stay in one place.

Jolly doesn't sit on the couch either. Instead, he sits on the armrest, staring at you with confusion and annoyance; he folds his hands in his lap and allows you to continue. Why was everyone so irritated with him? He didn't know what he did in the first place. "What did I do?" He questions.

You're eyes dart back to him. "You treated me like I was special, OK? I thought I was special to you…then, you go and date other people." You say, running out of breath. "Then I dated other people because I thought you didn't want me and I was right, you didn't care at all, but then I dumped them because all I could think about was you!" You dramatically cover your face with your hands, pacing back and forth. You enter your kitchen and stare out the sliding glass door. Your back facing Jolly as he observes you. "I stayed in your bed the night before I left, and you still let me go."

"I thought you were leaving for a job! I didn't want to be the reason you didn't go!" He whines. "You told me you were leaving for a job."

You still don't turn around to look at him, knowing he was right, "I just thought you'd ask me to stay if you really wanted me."

He stands straight, walking toward you; you feel his hands on your shoulders, spinning you around to face him. His dark eyes scan your face, wishing he wasn't the reason you were upset.

He leans in close, his breath warm on your face. "You were always special to me," he whispers, his voice low and sincere. "I never meant to hurt you. I was just confused and scared. I didn't know how to handle my feelings for you. I was afraid of losing you, so I pushed you away. I never stopped thinking about you. I came here to tell you that. To tell you that I'm sorry. To tell you I need you."

Jolly pulls back slightly, his eyes searching yours for a sign of forgiveness. He gently cups your face in his hands, his thumbs stroking your cheeks. He smiles softly, his eyes shining with hope. "Can you give me another chance?" he asks, his voice pleading.

You feel a surge of emotion, a mix of anger, pain, and love. You want to scream at him, to push him away. But you also want to hug him, to kiss him, to hold him close. You're torn between your head and your heart. You look into his eyes, and you see the sincerity and the regret.

You see the man you fell in love with, the man who made you laugh, the man who made you feel alive. You feel your resolve weakening, your walls crumbling. You lean in and press your lips to his, answering his question with a kiss.

"So I'm bringing you home." He smiles against your lips. Pulling back, his brown eyes search yours, "This long distance thing isn't how I want to start this." he gently kisses your forehead.

You nod knowingly, "I guess we should start packing."

Jolly smiles, running his hand through your hair, "I'm pretty sure Kayla has a timer set."

You giggle. "She is absolutely crazy." You lean up, kissing Jolly again. "But it's why we love her."

He nods in agreement, "Plus she's Noah's problem."

With a cautious glance, you gently push the front door open, hoping no one will notice your arrival and ambush you as soon as you enter the house.

You sneak into the living room on your tiptoes, holding Jolly's hand.

Noah and Kayla are so engrossed in the TV show that they don't even look at you.

You pretend to be nonchalant and sit down on the recliner next to them, giving them a hard stare.

Her eyes widen as she realizes who you are, and she jumps off the couch and runs toward you. You're home! This is fucking amazing!" She screams in your ear. "I was expecting you guys to take more time, to be honest…you both suck at directions. I don't know how you managed to drive all the way back here." She laughs as she releases you from her hug and embraces Jolly instead, "Look at you. I can finally be in the same room as you without being pissed off. I'm so proud of you." She jokes with him. "Wow," She scans the room and sees the three of you together. "So, is it official now? Can we all just admit how stupid the two of you were? I mean, come on, you could have just moved down the street instead of moving two states away." She snuggles up to Noah on the couch. "I'm not going through this again. You guys have to sort things out by yourselves from now on." She says and acts like she's dismissing you.

Jolly chuckles, sitting in the recliner; he grabs you and makes you sit on his lap, catching you off guard.

You shake your head light laughter falling from your lips, "Well, I missed you too, dick."

You lean into Jolly's chest and wrap your arms around him, feeling his warmth and heartbeat. You sigh in contentment and happiness, glad to be home with the people who loved you the most.

[lakesbian]

i need toknow what the fuck is happening in rose's brain (or was before blake got eated rather) i may have to undergo the mortifying ordeal of theoryposting publicly and all. which is why people wanted me to liveblog in the first place. anyway. why the fuck did she hug him. what's wrong with her brain. i'm compelled by the idea of like. upper middle class bitchy cutthroat cishet white girl doing a very good job at Continuing The Cycle--not necessarily lying to herself that the way she's behaving is because she's the only good-hearted one here being slighted by everyone else like some of her relatives might be--but believing that the ends justify the means, or perhaps that performing those means to perpetuate those ends is inevitable and/or inescapable on her behalf. she was born into & raised by The Thorburns and not only can't escape but quite possibly has no Desire to escape the perpetuation of the involved cruelties--task set upon her which she will grimly carry out as her grandmother did before her and etc etc.

the interesting wrench here for her is that part of carrying out those tasks means watching someone who is literally [deep inhale] Herself But If She, Due To Different Life Circumstance, Left Home, Experienced Different Traumas, Attained A Deeply Loving Friend Group, And Formed A Personality Based Largely Around Kindness And Fair + Equal Exchange march like a lamb to the sacrificial altar to buy her time. perhaps nudging his course on the way to the altar at times but largely just watching it because he's a really blundering meandering lamb who doesn't like being told what to do very much. (neither, i imagine, does she.) which, like, that's an inherently fascinating dynamic. not just seeing but Knowing the person she could've been if she had only stepped away from the cycles of family cruelty. blake is doomed, bound to die (obligatory: badly) and drag people down with him with very little awareness of the fact and without making anything tangibly better for the next generation. he's bullheaded, and he doesn't read the fucking books, and he's quite frequently impulsive and bad at compromising and prone to horrendous mistakes which harm far more people than just him.

he's also the type of person who can talk at length about how amazing his friends' art is, how much he loves the tattoos he got from one of them. who will lend his own jacket to an acquaintance even when he's in worse shape. who will take on nigh-suicidal tasks not because he Is suicidal (or at least isn't yet, anyway) but just because they needed doing and no one but him was willing.

how do you, as a bitch of a woman trapped in (& willing to function within the trap of) the horrors of your particular family, meet a You who turned out like that, and not hate him at least a little? find him bumbling and annoying and ignorant, resent him for not being the best sacrificial lamb he could be, for being the type of person who ran away from home instead of getting it into a chokehold. but also, how are you not at least a little fascinated by him? the vestige of what could have been will be gone the second the illusion of blake thorburn inevitably shatters and she takes back her rightful place, but for the brief period of time where that illusion is solid, how could she resist the urge to entertain the idea least a little? the idea of a version of her that will put up with a hug purely to make her feel better despite hating touch, the idea of a version of her that naively believes there's a good way out for both of them.

like i think perhaps she hates his ass because his ass is, from her perspective, a dumb and cringefail miserable little sacrificial lamb who is going to be a BITCH to play along with until whenever he kicks the bucket. and she is fully aware that she is lying her ass off because she has 0 desire to intervene in the process of this alternate-her marching himself to the altar for her. but also she mayhaps. occasionally. just a little. gets lost in the sauce of that game of pretend where she's pretending she actually respects him as an equal or has real investment in him not dying badly. is this anything. are we going anywhere with this. like literally what If you met an alternate version of you and that alternate version of you is dumb and stupid and unsustainable and totally fucked but also nicey. you would totally Strongly Dislike their ass but also Genuinely find yourself compelled to wring a moment of real affection or connection out of them before they explode. anyway blake has next to none of these complexes about her and thus no hypothetical weird psychosexual obsession with her. but rose? yeah you can get a hypothetical weird psychosexual obsession with blake out of rose.

[rosemary-morgan]

Connor(RK800) X F.Reader - Safe heaven (Part 1)

(Pictures are not mine! Found on Pinterest/Google - Collage made by myself. OC Steven belongs to me.)

Many thanks to @fangirl-ramblings 🖤 she has been beta reading for me 🌹

Warning: mention of domestic violance! hurt and comfort, angst, reader is very affraid!

Summary: Connor always made you feel safe and protected. Oh, but if only Connor had seen the signs earlier, he could have gotten you out of your hell faster...

 👉Read part 2

Connor(RK800) X F.Reader - Safe heaven (Part 1)

Detroit Police Department

19 May 2040 - 22:45

Michigan, Detroit

"How does that feel, you piece of shit?"

Hank looked at the young man in front of him, his nose already smeared with blood. Handcuffed, he sat in the interrogation room and Hank was more than determined to make this bastards life miserable.

"Well, talk!"

But Hank was only met with a hateful glare and Hank was losing his patience!

"You picked the wrong girl, asshole! Sucks when she's got cop in the family, huh? Son of a bitch!"

Hank wasn't shy about getting physical. Who was going to do anything about it? For Hank, there were no rules at the moment. Besides, rules were made to be broken. Especially since he had already given Steven a bloody nose even before he brought him to the police station.

"I don't know what that crazy bitch told you! I didn't do anything..."

Without warning, Hank punched him right in the face and this time the man groaned loudly.

"FUCK!"

"You're not getting out of here alive, Steven. I know for a fact that you did this to her. You fucking scumbag!"

"The whore has started! She provoked me!"

And another punch in the face! Hank could go on like this all night long. Steven had just confessed that he had attacked Y/N.

"Just give me one reason, and I'll blow your fucking brain out!"

And when Hank Anderson was pissed, he was capable of anything! Especially when it came to protecting his loved ones and Y/N was very important to him.

"ANDERSON!"

And just as it was starting to get fun for Hank, his boss interrupted him. Unlike Hank, Fowler kept strictly to the rules. However, this one didn't know anything about this particular case yet...

Anderons looked at Y/N tormentor with hatred, leaning out towards him.

"You won’t escape me," he whispered threateningly, making Steven visibly nervous.

At the same time in Hank's apartment...

"Y/N?"

The young woman was completely beside herself, not even hearing Connor at first. The android had been very careful not to startle her, making his voice sound melancholic, so that she knew she was safe here. Here, with him. Connor looked at the young woman with concern as she sat huddled on the sofa, staring off into space. She was chewing on her fingers; her gaze seeming so blank, but at the same time you could see the countless tears running down her cheeks. Probably everything was playing out in her mind's eye at the moment. Her body was trembling and Connor feared that Y/N would not forget so easily. Inwardly, the android sighed, wondering over and over why people hurt each other. The android approached her carefully, kneeling on the ground in front of her, so as not to startle her.

"Y/N?"

This time she responded. Her gaze sought his. His warm, loving gaze that she had always liked.

"You don't have to be afraid. He can't hurt you anymore."

Not as long as Connor was with her. And Hank would never let anything happen to the young woman either. Y/N let out a sob, but nodded before her face turned back to sadness and finally burst into tears. She let herself fall forward, right into Connor's shoulder, seeking comfort from him. Carefully, Connor wrapped his arms around her delicate body, trying to soothe her by stroking her back and letting her cry on his shoulder, until she would calm down.

Here they sat now, in Hank's apartment, while the lieutenant at the station was giving hell to the man that had hurt Y/N.

"You were very brave today, Y/N," Connor whispered to her as he gently stroke through her hair. She moved a bit away from him, to look at him. Into his brown doe eyes that radiated so much warmth.

"I-I'm so glad you guys are here!"

She sobbed softly, wiping tears from her cheeks as she clung to Connor's gray jacket with her other hand. The android smiled warmly at her, nodding. Hank and he would always be there for her.

Connor stayed seated with her until she calmed down a bit.

"Would you like some tea, Y/N? Or would you like something to eat? Do you want me to order something to eat?"

But the young woman wasn't hungry. She just shook her head, smiling weakly. It was sweet how much Connor cared about her.

"No, thanks. I don't want anything right now."

Suddenly Sumo, Hank's big dog, came over, sniffing at Y/N first before nudging her with his nose and eventually resting his head on her lap. Loving as the young woman was, she stroked his thick, soft fur and sighed contentedly. Connor stroked him as well, and the dog couldn't be more comfortable at the moment. However, Sumo felt her pain and that made him sad too.

"When is Hank coming?" the young woman asked. Hank was like family to her. He had known her father well, always remembering Hank's countless visits when she was a child. After all, she was almost like a daughter to him.

"Hank's still at the office. I don't think he'll be back so soon."

Connor knew what Hank would do to Y/N's tormentor, and honestly, Connor would love to keep him company and beat some manners into Steven. Is that how you treat a woman? When Connor had found her an hour ago, her face had been streaked with tears and her nose had been smeared with blood, her top completely torn... Clearly she had been abused by her boyfriend and Connor was very glad that Y/N had asked Hank for help. She was very lucky they were both nearby. Worse things could have happened.

"Is he going to jail, Connor?"

The desperate look on her face nearly killed Connor. She was terrified of Steven and he could understand that. The android sensed an increased heart rate from her. Her body temperature changed, and when Connor reached for her hands, her fingers were so cold.

"Hey... It's going to be okay. You're safe with me."

Carefully, he lifted her chin, searching the look in her eyes that held so much fear and pain. What had this man done to her? How many days and months had she gone through this now? Connor wished he had realized all of this sooner.

"Hank and I will make sure he stays locked up!"

Hank and Connor had arrested Steven while still on the scene. Steven had been carrying a knife, had been yelling like a madman, threatening Y/N. This was clear evidence that would lead to Steven's arrest.

"I'm so scared. What if..."

Connor knew exactly what she was about to say and he interrupted her immediately.

"No, Y/N. He won't dare come near you and he will be condemned. However, you must agree to testify against him."

Connor could imagine how difficult this would be for the young woman.

"I-I... oh God, Connor..."

How was she going to do this? All she wanted was to forget and live a normal life! To have her old life back, before she had met Steven. Why had this demon come into her life? Why hadn't she noticed the red flags right away?

Y/N's whole body started to shake and Connor sat down with her on the sofa, gently pulling her into his arms, something Y/N appreciated at the moment. While burying her face deep into his chest, she could sense the fragrance of his aftershave. Aftershave? Certainly unusual for an android, but a lot had changed in the last two years. Especially after the revolution of the machines. Connor was no longer a programmed android who only took orders. No, he was an individual person who could feel emotions like sadness and love. Fears and worries; and right now, all his worry was on Y/N.

Connor was a little surprised when Y/N laid her head on his lap while stretching the rest of her body on the sofa. Connor's eyes were completely on her as he gently stroked through her soft hair, silently being there for her. It wasn't long before Y/N fell asleep from exhaustion. Finally, after so many months, she could sleep again. Without having to fear that she would be harmed in her sleep. She knew Connor was with her, and on top of that, she was in Hank's home. Her safe place was right here. Connor watched over her and he imagined all she had been through with Steven. She was so exhausted, completely broken down, and in the last few weeks she had laughed less and less. Connor hadn't known her like this. When he had first met her two years ago, she had been full of life. Her beautiful smile, her friendly nature was special in this cold world. And then Steven had taken this from her piece by piece. He was so infinitely sorry to see her in this condition.

"Don't be afraid. I will always be with you."

He was her angel who would protect her...

Careful not to wake her, Connor disengaged from her, only to gently pick her up in his arms, taking her to the guest room. She was fast asleep, the android could tell by her breathing. He laid her down in bed, covering her so she wouldn't get cold.

"Good night, Y/N..."

He bent down to her, gently kissed her forehead and stayed with her for quite a while...

As the first rays of sunlight fell through the window and warmed Y/N's skin, the young woman gently sighed as she slowly awoke from her sleep. At first, she didn't know where she was and her eyes searched the room, yet she was deeply wrapped in the sheets and she wouldn't dare get out of bed so quickly before she understood where she actually was. But when the memories came up so slowly, she understood immediately. She was more than relieved to be at Hank place.

"Thank God," she whispered as she threw herself on her back and stroked her hair. "Dear Lord, thank you..."

Instantly, Steven crept into her thoughts and fear overcame her again. What if he sought her out? What if Hank had to let him go again after all? She felt sick, her stomach tightening painfully at the thought. She pulled the blanket over her again and hid under the sheets, seeking shelter and protection as she began to cry.

"Connor..."

Was he still here?

"Connor? Connor!"

A few seconds later, the android was standing at the door, looking anxiously at the young woman who was looking at him for help. His LED glowed a deep yellow. Had she had a nightmare? Usually, after traumatic experiences, people tend to relive many things in their sleep.

"Y/N? What's wrong?"

The android sat down with her and the young woman instantly snuggled against his chest, sighing in relief as she felt Connor's strong arms around her.

"It's all right now", she whispered. Connor smiled at her words, his LED glowing a bright blue again.

"Did you have a bad dream, Y/N?"

"No", she whispered as Connor gently stroked through her hair. "I was just afraid you wouldn't be around..."

"I'll always be there," he replied softly, hugging her a little tighter to give his words even more expression. The young woman felt very comfortable around the android and she didn't feel any fear at the moment either.

"Are you hungry, Y/N?" Connor asked her after a while, but the young woman just shook her head. She had no appetite. Connor didn't think this was a good idea, but he couldn't force her to eat anything. Still, he tried to reason with her, because eventually a hot meal certainly wouldn't go amiss.

"I know you don't have any appetite. But maybe try some fruit and yogurt first? Or maybe even some pancakes?"

The young woman seemed to think about it before sighing deeply and finally agreeing to his suggestion.

"Okay, Connor."

Satisfied with her answer, the android smiled.

"Okay, then I'll prepare some for you quickly!"

The young woman ran a few recipes through her head, because pancakes with fruit and fresh yogurt sounded really good! Fluffy and delicious! Just comfort food! Wait, Connor would make them? She had to smile at the thought, because the fact that he was going to the effort to do this for her was sweet.

Then Connor rose to leave before Y/N gently grabbed his hand and looked up at him.

"Thank you, Connor. For caring so much."

And in his eyes she suddenly saw that gleam, that look of affection, which made her heart beat faster for a moment.

"No need to mention it, Y/N."

Because she was incredibly important to him, and he wanted her to be okay. Most of all, that she felt safe and secure around him. Connor would really do anything to see her smile again.

"Connor! Y/N?"

Hank brought the android out of his thoughts. The lieutenant must have been done with the interrogation and was certainly tired. After all, he had been out all night.

"Over here, Hank!" called Connor to the man. Y/N rose from her spot and met Hank halfway. She immediately wrapped her arms around him and he held her close.

"Hey, kiddo. How are you doing?"

Hank sounded tired and exhausted.

"Connor's with me. I'm fine with him," she whispered, and those were the exact words Hank had wanted to hear.

"Good. Have you had breakfast yet?"

"Not yet. But Connor's about to make some pancakes."

At that, the lieutenant raised a brow.

"'Him? Pancakes? Are you sure, Y/N?"

"You want some, too, Lieutenant?"

"Sure, Connor! There's nothing like having to spend all day in the shithouse, after eating your pancakes!"

It was meant as a joke, and it didn't miss its mark, as the young woman laughed. Hank really couldn't imagine Connor cooking up something like that. But what could he say? He trusted the android as he had surprised him so many times in many ways. Probably this would be the best pancakes Hank would ever have.

But for Y/N now, of course, was interested to know what would happen to Steven now.

"Hank?"

Her serious and, at the same time, worried expression, made the smile on Hank's face slowly but surely disappear.

"Come. Let's sit down, Y/N."

Hank gently took her by the hand and led the young woman to the sofa, where he sat down with her. She looked at him with curiosity and her heart hammered madly, her hands getting cold all over again as she got all nervous. Hopefully Hank would have some good news for her.

"Y/N, we need your report."

"B-But... I don't have to see him, do I?"

The lieutenant shook her head. She wouldn't cross his path, he had made sure of that.

"No. But you have to tell us... everything," he said softly, before running a hand through his hair. He didn't like the idea of the young woman being pressured into telling the police everything in detail either. He was afraid to hear what had happened. What that bastard had done to her. But Hank knew that it could help to put Steven in jail for several years.

Connor listened to the conversation while he took care of breakfast. Sumo was not far from his feet, dozing off. Connor's LED lit up yellow again when he thought of Steven. This guy had been suspicious to him from the beginning and he cursed himself for not noticing sooner what an asshole this guy was. But he was all the more proud of Y/N for being such a brave woman.

"Okay, Hank. But I'm only going to talk to you and Connor..."

Hank nodded as he put his hand on her shoulder. Just Connor and him.

[mercymermaid]

oh boy shadows of agony was a wild wild ride

here’s my insanely long live reaction

warning: spoilers

OKAY SHADOWS OF AGONY

SAW THE COMMENTS

ONLY PNE COMMENT

BUT MARK CAMEOOO

APAPRENTLY

afton sweetie i think the guy is dead

oh! i see!

ykw won’t judge everyone needs a helping hand sometimes

oh a bomb

down goes freddy fazbear’s

YEAHHH MARK ‼️

someone get bonnie his sprinkles

what is he doing 💀

is he gonna sing some emo song about “wow look at what i’ve become goddamn i hate life ilove life” because that’s what this scene is looking like

IS HE SLICING OFF HIS OWN HANDS?

HUH

HELLO

AGONY YEAH VERY

oh yeah no explanation thanks

IS THAT NATEWANTSTOBATTLE 😱

BRO THEY GOT THE WHOLE GANG UP IN HEREEEE

YEAH NATEEEE

chew on that pizza hut

and then he drops it

foxy you dumb bitch where are you going

OH HE DID SLICE OFF HIS OWN HANDS

WTF 💀

WHY

GOOD LORD WHY

I WISH WE HAD THE EMO SONG INSTEAD

how are you gonna edit out the messy parts without hands

also that is not matpat’s voice hello

WAIT DID THEY LET BABY OUT

WOOHOOOO

YEAHHH BABY BOSS FIGHT

wait

hold on

hold on

so if

in the fnaf musical

which comes after this whole fucking mess

he has hands

whose hands is he using

WAIT.

im thinking too hard about this

he either stole the inspector’s hands and connected them to his own, so when he’s taken in for interrogation if anything, his fingerprints are different than the ones that killed the inspector

but he’s wearing gloves??

did he get prosthetics later on or did they just not plan ahead

did he get so emo he decided to take his own hands

good lord

oh that is not matpat’s voice 💀

“who left all this garbage in my office?” glitchtrap: 🧍

“two miserable monsters” kys glitchtrap

“what are you?!” funny that both times he’s yelled this phrase (og musical and agony) he’s being assaulted by a psycho rabbit

WHY IS GLITCHTRAP KILLING AFTON HELPPP

WHAT DID BRO DO TO YOU HE LITERALLY MADE YOU

“you’re not william afton”

huh

glitchtrap is your memory ass

or have we been trolled this entire fucking time

hollddddddd onnnnnnn

YEAH GO BABY

how is bro gonna use a chainsaw while lacking hands

HE’S SO FUCKING HILARIOUSLY PATHETIC HELPPPPPPPPPPP

this is why we don’t cut off our hands chat 🥰

the tech’s face of :O right before being whacked is golden

“he has too much to hide” so this IS william afton?

what if this is michael afton

and all this time michael just went “oh yeah killing people? family business, dream career”

but

elizabeth

she’s william’s niece

and called him william in web of lies

and everyone else calls him william afton

did william die and michael coincidentally looked enough like him to take his identity?

NO MORE CRYING ONLY CHAOS

GOOOO SWEETIEEEEE

the glowing eyes still have me gagged

are we sure we wanna do this ☝️🤓

im sorry im being mean

bring back non voiced-over scenes

bb being used as bait :(

YEAH GO LIZZIE

can’t wait to see the blooper reel for this tbh

oh sorry *lizzY

oh and then not-voiced-over?

pick a type random encounters please

vanny!

*vanne!

magic scissors and chair is crazy

INVISIBLE VANNYYYY

“everyone is my enemy” okay edgelord

okay so vanny does not like glitchtrap

who would’ve thunk it

“escaped?!? ?!?” web of lies: 👁️👄👁️

therapytrap

HELPPPP SHE’S SO GUILTY

OHHH

or she doesn’t remember a thing from web of lies somehow

the actor change doesn’t symbolize a new character bc she escaped through the window

so she’s quoting afton as a cute little callback orrrrr they both know lizzy let him escape (in that case vanny would be beating her ass nvm)

probably a callback

okay so i’m just dumb

yeah she regrets the entirety of web of lies

lizzy is an icon

YESS GIRLBOSS VANNY ILYYYYYYY

“not if i get into his head” YES EAT EAT EAT OUGHHHHJJJ YESSIRRRRR

or

is she manipulating lizzy

bc we all saw what happened in monster in your head

unless that was vanny being manipulated by glitchtrap and now she’s repaying the favor

why is this so fnaf lore core

what is he pondering so heavily about

she doesn’t even care that she killed eggs 😭 she’s here for her silly robots

i love how animated and expressive glitchtrap is

is this all a joke to you

icon

“fear is like a hammer. with a hammer and a couple nails, you can build an empire, or pry away the pieces that just won’t fit. the nails don’t know what they’re making, whether it’s good or bad, they only know the weight of the hammer.”

okay i hate to say it but that line ate

“i’m a results-oriented kind of guy” oh fuck off

a twisted bear monster

bear?

as in afton’s suit?

toxic grudge with the humans

bro who did what to you glitchtrap

glitch maybe you were entrapped bc your shitty therapy made things worse idk tho

NO VANNNYYYY

also SONGGG TIMEEEE

VAMMY GLOTCHTRAP DUETTTTT

OHHHH THIS SONG SLAPSSSS

BUNNY BOSS FIGJT

OUGHHHHHHJHH THIS SOMG GOES HARDDDDDD

NO VANNY

okay op

famous last words glitchtrap

NO

VANNY

DID HE JUST FUCKING KILL HER

ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE

BTDKUGDIUOGEROHITEBNOL

lizzy get his ass please

DAMN

THAT IS NOT A FUN CLIFFHANGER

okay that’s an interesting installment

how do i feel about that

[fisherpiers]

Seems you have problems with Amity so how come you ain't a fan of her?

okay lemme take a deep breath and gather up my receipts. hope you’re ready for a whole fucking essay.

do i think her designs cute? yeah sure. she’s adorable. and marketable. easy to slap on disney social media posts during pride month.

do i like that her attraction to girls is treated as good and natural and not scary? yes. for the owl house’s message, and helping kids grow up without thinking they’re monsters, this is good.

okay now that i’ve pointed out the good, lemme tell you why i hate her.

and this got too long so here’s the shortened version. the reasons she most rubs me the wrong way. and it’s still too fucking long lol

1. first things first. she’s the hexsquad’s bully. she was horrible to willow and luz and she never really puts in the work to make up for this. well. she does for luz. not willow, however. her main victim.

AMITYS VERY FIRST APPEARANCE IS TREATING WILLOW LIKE SHIT AND DESTROYING HER CONFIDENCE. WITH NO PROVOCATION. okay? and then that episode ends with ames trying to get luz dissected.

it’s not even an “amity let bosha, her best friend that she replaced willow with, terrorize willow and thus is responsible as a bystander” situation. no, amity is shown personally going out of her way to be an asshole.

and then in that fucking library episode she says “i know what you are now, luz. you’re a bully!” like bitch?? excuse me? you were literally regular and cyber bullying luz and willow in the episode previous to it. literally she bullies them and then the very next episode calls luz a bully (for some shit her siblings were doing, not even luz)

and then she just assimilates herself back into the friend group, as if nothing happened. willow and gus tolerate it bc they’re not assholes. but the tension is there. on screen even.

like that whole hair braiding scene. wtf was that. amity braiding willows hair does not make up for years of her making willows life a living hell. willow frowns while it happens. and the whole reason amity even came to talk to willow in the first place was to talk about luz. she is only there bc she needs something. it was all about her relationship with luz, not willow.

i know i’ve said this many times before but i think willow should get to clock amity in the jaw. at least once.

and willow should’ve been fucking pissed when luz started getting romantically involved with amity. luz and willow should’ve had a fight about it.

they call back to the tension again in “thanks to them”. the scene in the museum. they feel the need to have to reassure the audience that things are fine between the kids, totally no tension at all. you know bc amity hasn’t actually apologized and they just sort of swept everything she did under the rug.

(another part of “thanks to them” when she tells hunter to go change his silly outfit. not an egregious sin but it’s still mean.)

“understanding willow” wasn’t enough. all amity does it throw out her little sob story excuse for first abandoning willow and then bullying her. probably only bc luz was there to make her feel bad about all of it. which is not a proper apology. WHICH LEADS ME TO MY NEXT POINT.

2. and here’s where it gets personal. amity’s sob story is that she has shitty parents. cool. me too. and i ain’t ever bullied anyone bc of it.

i’ve got literally the same parents. a manipulative control-freak mother and a father who just sorta lets her terrorize his children and make all the family’s decisions bc he’s too busy or scared of her to care. all the same pressure to do perfectly at school and weird fixation on my hair, even, and i’m just fine. my mother belittling me every time i breathed didn’t make me feel the need to make other kids’ lives miserable. get better coping mechanisms.

and i know the “amity doesn’t even try to fight it when her mother gets the hexsquad expelled in ‘escaping expulsion’” thing is a reason other people don’t like amity for, but no i understand this one. i would’ve been too afraid to cross my mother too. so she gets a pass on that ig

oh and mentioning that ep, bonus round. 3. that scene where she walks into her house and immediately throws her clothes on the floor for the butler to pick up pisses me off

sigh. it’s not that i think people can’t change, in fact i’d be perfectly fine with her if she actually made things right with willow. i just wish she would’ve. on-screen.

[merlinsbed]

living in this house is exhausting

my dad and his wife have been on vacation for the last month and a half, meaning I’ve had the house completely to myself. within an hour getting home yesterday they both already managed to remind me that they think of me as a dumb baby who isn’t capable of doing anything.

there’s a pile of old recycling I’ve been slowly working my way through that’s currently in a room that is literally used for storage only. like this room is literally just for storing boxes and other shit. less than an hour after getting home and seeing the pile of recycling, my dad was going, “can I help you sort that out tomorrow?” like no??? I’m gonna be 30 in 2 days why the fuck would I need your help?????

his wife was even more of a bitch. I literally spent yesterday morning cleaning the kitchen and like I know it wasn’t perfect, but I wiped down the counters, I ran the dishwasher and put the dishes away, I washed all the towels and washcloths. About an hour after they got home, I went upstairs to see all the towels and washcloths had disappeared from the kitchen. when I opened the cabinet to get a plate, the ones I’d literally just ran through the dishwasher were all gone. opened the silverware drawer for a butter knife and almost everything was gone.

this woman literally said to herself, “I don’t trust my step daughter to do anything so I’m going to deep clean the kitchen myself because I know she didn’t do it to my neat freak standards” because she hates me. I’m not even joking I believe that woman hates me and thinks I’m just a stupid spoiled brat who spends my spare time coming up with ways to make her and my dad miserable. she does not speak to me unless she literally has no other choice.

and like, at this point, it’s not so much about my dad’s wife hating me or my dad being an asshole who makes only surface level attempts to understand me at all. it’s about the fact that they treat me like a stupid child. they treat me like I’m not capable of doing things for myself so either my dad has to help me or his wife has to just do it all again herself because to them I’ve proved myself too stupid to be treated like an adult. and it hit me especially hard yesterday because I had a month and half to actually do things in a way that works for me without constantly worrying about being nagged and looked down on and a part of me convinced myself that finally this might give them some fucking proof that I am a functioning adult but apparently not.

I literally talk to actual children more respectfully than my dad or his wife talk to me. that’s fucking sad. like it’s really pathetic of them. and it’s just super fucking frustrating for me.

[lazysimp]

Normal Again /// Bakugou x Fem Reader (18+)

✧Click HERE to read Male version ✧

Rating: Explicit

Summary: A sequel to fine. You never expected recovery to be easy but you never thought it would be nearly impossible. In the weeks since your torture things between you and Bakugou had only grown more strained. Will you be able to save your relationship or is it a lost cause? 

Word count: 8.7k 

Warnings/tags: TW: Self hatred/violence, degradation (not in a sexy way), Angst, Explicit sexual content, Oral sex (giving and receiving), Anal play, She/Her pronouns, All characters are adults, SMUT 18+ Only

masterlist┃AO3

A vicious laugh filled the air as Bakugou’s boot connected with your cheek sending your body flying towards the ground. His deep red eyes were full of glee watching you spit out blood from your busted cheek. He crouched down, looking at you as if you were filth. 

“Look at you,” he sneered. “Just lying there taking it all. You are pathetic, honesty how did I ever see you as more than an easy fuck.” 

“Stop it Bakugou,” you beg weakly. You could not bring yourself to understand how such cruel words could come from the same mouth that used to worship you. 

His boot connects to your head once more sending blinding pain shooting through your skull. “Did you really think you were going to be with me forever? That I would tie myself to someone who can’t even stop themselves from getting kidnapped by a B-ranked villain.” 

His boot rests on your face, its thick rubber sole indenting its print into your cheek. “The only reason I kept you around this whole time was that you spread your legs whenever I wanted. You are easy, too easy and the whole office knows it. They all laugh at you, at how much of a whore you are.” 

Tears begin to leak from your eyes as he brought to light all your insecurities. You would rather he kept beating you than continue to torture you with his taunts. After every night of the same torture you had grown numb to the physical pain but no matter how hard you tried you could not escape his words. 

“If it wasn’t for you I would have already climbed my way to the top. All you can do is hold me back from my dreams with your constant failures. You make me despise you.” 

His heel digs into your temple creating an agonizing inescapable pressure. You were helpless to stop his merciless assault and you were not sure you even wanted to. All you really wanted was for all of this to stop. The constant pain and guilt had worn down your spirit, it was as though you had nothing left to even lose. 

“Look at you just lying there taking it. Why don’t you fight me you pathetic bitch? Why don’t you ever fight?” He screamed, emphasizing each with a blow to your head. You reach up to cover your ears not wanting to hear anything else but your arms were trapped down at your side, held by some invisible force. 

You try again to lift move your arms and then your legs but a warm tight hold tightened even further. Needing to escape the suffocating warmth you thrash around, lashing out at the invisible force. 

“Shh, baby it is ok,” Bakugou said above you his boot still on your head. “This is all just a dream.” 

You slam your eyes closed needing to escape the glaring red eyes that only brought you pain. 

“Mimic is dead and will never hurt you again I promise,” Bakugou’s voice grows closer to your ear. This was your chance! You manage to free one arm and reach up, blindly scratching at any body part you could reach. 

Your nails scream for mercy as you drag them viciously down his arm, their gliding made easy by blood. Despite the pain you know you must have caused, the invisible hold only tightened, trapping both of your hands. 

“Please baby open your eyes, you are safe I promise.” Bakugou’s voice cooed softly trying to pry you away from your own mind. 

You shake your head not trusting the voice, after all, it was the same one that had just been hurting you. With both your hands held still you are left with no choice but to use your teeth. You bite down on one of the arms holding you, sinking your teeth deep into the flesh until a rusty taste fills your mouth. 

“Open your eyes my beautiful girl please,” Bakugou’s voice grew clearer, the malice you had been expecting surprisingly absent. 

Reluctantly you relax into the warm hold and crack one eye open. A sweet smelling black tank top was the first thing you recognized. You blink your eyes a few times to clean them and get a better look around. 

The cold dark room you had been in only moments ago was gone, replaced by a soft bed and warm blankets. The tight suffocating grip that had held you earlier is now a warm embrace. 

You look at the strong arms holding you to your fiancé’s chest and wince. Deep red scratch marks littered his muscles and an already bruising bite branded his shoulder. With you no longer resisting he released your hands and started to run his fingers up and down your back. Despite his mask of relaxation, you could tell he was shaken up. 

“I did it again didn’t I?” you ask weakly already knowing the answer. 

Bakugou let out a sigh, “Yeah, it took me nearly ten minutes to get you back this time.” 

Overwhelming guilt filled your mind for the second time tonight. You had hurt the man you loved because of some stupid dreams. It had been months since your rescue and still every night without fail you dreamed about it happening. It was like the torture never stopped. 

“It is getting worse,” Bakugou says, continuing to pet down your back. 

You nod weakly. He was not wrong. Neither of you had gotten a full night’s rest since the incident. No matter what pills you took without fail you dreamed about Bakugou. Logically you knew it was not Bakugou who had been the one to hurt you. He was your hero and his reward is you flinching from his touch and attacking him in your sleep. None of this was fair. 

Bakugou’s lips softly pressed against your forehead as he pulled you in even closer. You ignored the spike of fear being close to him caused and tried to remember this was your Bakugou, not the sick twisted version Mimic created. 

“We can’t keep going like this baby,” he says weakly. “I think I need to leave for a little bit.” 

Absolute panic grips your heart, “No! Please don’t leave me. I’ll get better I promise. I will find another sleeping pill that one doctor prescribed worked for the first couple of weeks. We can figure this out, please don’t-” 

“Shh,” Bakugou pulled you in closer. “Right now I am not good for you.” 

You open your mouth to protest but he places his hand finger over our lips. “Baby you flinch every time I look at you.” 

You wanted to deny his claim but remember how his eyes felt on your skin and shutter. 

“My face, my voice, hell my smell are all triggers for you. I am hurting you by being near you. I am causing you pain by serving as a living reminder of your pain and I can’t do it anymore.” 

Hot tears start to fall from your eyes. You hated how everything he is saying is not wrong. He is a walking trigger for the memories of that night and you had no idea how to get over them. 

“So this is it,” you say, defeated. 

“No, baby god no. You and I just need some time apart until you are ready to see me again. I am planning on staying at Deku’s for a bit, the nerd offered me his spare bedroom.” 

Despair was the only thing you could feel. All of this was your fault and he should hate you for it but he doesn’t. Why doesn’t he hate you like you hate yourself? He should be screaming at you for causing all of this. The blame is yours and yours alone. If you had been just a little stronger you would never have been taken in the first place and none of this would have happened. 

“Until I can get you to talk to me about how you are feeling I can’t help you. All I am doing is making this worse.” His arms started to loosen their hold around you and for the first time in weeks you wanted them back. 

His arms pulled away completely, taking his warmth. “This is not permanent,” he assured. “It is just until you are ready for me to come back and I will wait as long as you need.” 

You start to reach out for him, to beg him to get back in bed but the silhouette of him above you sent a chill down your spine. You wanted to rip everything apart, every time you made progress there was something dragging you backward. 

You watch helplessly as he quickly dresses and leaves the bedroom, not looking back. You can’t blame him, you want to be free of yourself too. You could hear the front door to the apartment open and quietly shut, the lock clicking into place. 

Life moved slower when you did not have your angry gremlin by your side. It had been a few weeks since he left and you had never been more miserable. At first, you had agreed to the separation, after all, he was a giant trigger but you were quickly realizing it was worse without him. 

The anxiety of being alone at night had you reaching for your phone nearly every night, wanting to call him. It was a miracle you had managed to resist. With you not there to bother him maybe he would finally be getting some sleep. 

The only communication you had gotten from him was a couple of texts letting you know he was still alive. You know he was trying to give you space but the longer he was away the more you wanted to drag him back home. 

Your therapist had still not cleared you for fieldwork so the only thing you could to distract yourself was binge a couple of shows and try some cooking. Of course nothing you made tasted half as good as Bakugou’s cooking. By the end of the the first week your life consisted of sleep, tv, and takeout. 

Your glazed-over eyes half focus on the tv in front of you as you are lost in your thoughts. You hear a knock on the door and rush over to open it. Could he have changed his mind and come back? For the first time in a long time hope filled your chest but it was quickly shattered as you look through the peephole. Uraraka stood still outside your door holding a few grocery bags. 

You try to plaster on a fake smile and open the door. Uraraka did not wait for an invitation and barreled her way into your apartment. 

“Hello to you too,” you mumble, closing the door. 

She sets the floating bags onto the counter and releases her quirk. “Whew, you would believe the line at the store this morning. All the old ladies were fighting their way into the store for the 20% off sale. Of course none of them could beat me from being first in line.” 

You snort, no matter how many brand deals and hero contracts Uraraka had she never stopped being frugal. 

“How was your morning?” She asked, unpacking the many goods from the bags. 

You shrug, “Same as always, watched some tv and pretend my life isn’t falling apart.” 

Uraraka pauses and gives you a look of understanding. “You know he hasn’t forgotten about you, not for one minute.” 

You look away, “What does it matter, our relationship is practically over. I have not seen him in weeks and even if I did see him I would make everything worse with my stupid fear.” 

“You fear is not stupid, you went through something traumatic and need time to heal.” 

You scoff, “I have had time. But every time I make any progress something triggers me and I fall right back down to where I started.” 

“That is normal though! It took me weeks to even look at Deku without crying. You are both being too hard on yourselves.” 

“I am tired of waiting!” You yell, finally letting your anger out in the open. “I miss him so much it hurts. I miss how he would hold me every night after he helped me bathe because I was too sore to even lift my arms. I miss how he would pack my lunch every day because he could not stand watching me go hungry. I miss my Bakugou.” 

Uraraka wraps her arms around your shoulders pulling you in tight against her chest, letting you sob. It was the first time in weeks anyone had touched you. Her soft hands traced up and down your back, trying her best to soothe the pain. 

“I miss him so much,” you cry between hiccups. 

“So why don’t you call him? I am sure he would be happy to hear your voice.” Uraraka pulls out her phone and starts to dial his number. 

“No!” You snatch the phone from her hand and toss it over your shoulder. You wince as you hear the phone connect with the hardwood floor. 

The hand on your back stills, “You are going to replace that you know.” 

You nod, a worthy expense if it meant you did not have to confront reality just yet. At least with him gone you could pretend your relationship was not over. 

“Stop saying that! Your relationship is not over. What the two of you need is a good conversation.” 

You must have said the last part out loud. “What does it matter, even if we have a conversation and he moves back in I will end up having nightmares and keep him up for weeks. It is not fair for him to suffer through that for me.” 

“Ugh!” Uraraka shoves you off her chest and stands. “Both of you keep pushing each other away based on some convoluted idea that you are actually protecting each other. It makes me want to pull my hair out!

You cross your arms over your chest, “Well I am protecting him.” 

She rolls her eyes, “Sure.” 

“Hey, don’t make me regret teaching you sarcasm. I’m being serious, my nightmares were getting so bad I started to attack him in my sleep.” 

“No offense but Bakugou can handle you with his hands tied behind his back.” 

“But he shouldn’t have to! It is not fair for him to have to worry if his fiancé will attack him in his sleep every night.” 

“News flash, life is not fair. It was not fair when I watched the love of my life get skewered in front of me. It was not fair when I could not look at him for weeks without crying. And it was not fair when Mimic tortured you. None of this is fair or just, it is all shit we are given and sometimes it is more than we can handle.” 

She holds your chin in her hands, “The only thing you are doing wrong is pushing away the person who you need the most.” 

“But I hurt him when he is close,” you argue weakly. 

Uraraka’s eyes softened, “You hurt him more when you push him away. His quirk is not mind reading, he has no idea how to help you, how you can both help each other.” 

You knew she was right, that what you were doing was not working. But you were stuck, unsure how to even start talking to him again. Even so, you had to try. 

“Alright, I will try giving him a call-” 

Behind you, Uraraka’s phone rang, its piercing ring tone cutting you off. Your heart sinks, that ring tone only went off when a hospital was calling. Without a word, Uraraka bends down and picks up her phone from the floor. 

“Hello, this is Uravity speaking,” she said into the phone. 

You watch her face for clues and your heart grew even heavier as worry danced in her eyes. 

“Are you going to transfer him to the Hero’s hospital in Tokyo?” 

Your breathing stops. No, the world could not be so cruel. Your hearing grows fuzzy making it impossible to tune into the rest of Uraraka’s conversation.

“Hey,” someone said in the background. “Hey, I need you to focus. Bakugou is hurt, I am not next of kin so they won’t tell me anything about his condition. I am going to drive us over to the hospital, he should already be there by the time we arrive” 

You nod, too stunned to speak. He was hurt. Your Bakugou was hurt and you were just standing around. Ignoring the pain in your chest your mind finally snapped into action. 

Wordlessly you and Uraraka rushed down to her car below. The drive to the Hero’s hospital was short, only a few blocks from your apartment. The front entrance was already packed full of reporters trying to catch a glimpse of your injured hero. 

You bite your tounge to stop yourself from cursing the reporters out. Those nosy assholes wanted to broadcast Bakugou’s pain to the public for a quick buck. Luckily disappeared from your sight as Uraraka drove past the and into the private parking lot. 

Uraraka had not even put the car in park when you shoved open the door and ran to the sliding doors. You could hear her yell to wait behind you but you kept running until you found the front desk. 

You skid to a stop in front of a shocked receptionist and slam your palms down on the counter, “Where are they taking Hero Dynamight?” You ask, holding your hero license out so she would know you were not a reporter. 

The receptionist winced, “I am sorry but only allowed to disclose information to the family of the patient.” 

“Well I am his wife and I am demanding to know where he is.” You retort, not caring about the implications of the claim. 

“Dynamight is not married, his paperwork states he is a single but nice try.” 

“Listen here you-” your rant was cut short by a soft hand on your shoulder. 

“It was a private ceremony, they have still not made it public yet so there is now paperwork. I know that is not protocol but won’t you please let it slide this once ” Uraraka smiles sweetly trying to play cute to get what she wants.

The receptionist shook her head, “ I am sorry but I cannot allow anyone who is not documented family to visit any patient.” 

You open your mouth to yell but Uraraka beats you to it. 

“That is fine, thank you for doing such a great job protecting our heroes.” She gently grabs your bicep and pulls you away from the desk before you could say another word. 

“What are you doing she is our only way of figuring out anything about Bakugou.” You hiss trying to pry yourself free from her hold. 

“No she’s not,” Uraraka turns her head to look at you and smiles. “I spent a few weeks coming in and out of this hospital while Deku was recovering. Going through the main entrance is the easiest way but there is a locked side door. With enough force, it can be wiggle open.” 

“Won’t it have an alarm?” 

“Of course it has an alarm this is a heavily secured building. Luckily they have a well-trained hero there to investigate the disturbance,” she winked. 

You laugh, being a hero did have its perks. It only took a few more turns before she found the small door. 

“Now when I open this door a blaring alarm will go off and two security guards will come rushing from either end. I will handle the one on this side but you will be on your own for the other. Try not to hurt them too much.” 

With that Uraraka wraps her hand around the door handle and pulls, her arm muscles bulging from the effort. You stand still, stunned to watch your friend pry open the solid steel door.

The door finally gives sending out a blaring alarm but you had already made it past the first couple hallways, hiding in a small doorway as a guard runs past. You wait another minute to make sure the coast is clear besides casually walking down the hallway until you found a nurse’s station.

“Excuse me,” you say, trying to sound as polite as possible. “The front desk told me to ask you which room my husband is in.” 

The oldest nurse looked you up and down skeptically, “What is your husband’s name?” 

“Bakugou Katsuki.” 

“Uh-hu sure, wait here a minute for me while I go find his nurse.” She turned and disappeared into the room behind the station.

Fuck, she was onto you. You slowly walk backward away from the door’s line of sight and rush down the hallway looking desperately for Bakugou. He had to be here somewhere but the hospital was a maze of hallways and doors with no names on them. 

You could not yell out for him that would only alert security to your position faster. You spin on your heels looking frantically for any sign of him but the more you look, the more lost you become. 

“Hey! You cannot be back here,” A security guard yelled, a taser already armed in his hand. 

You put your hands into the air, looking to your side for an escape. You could handle one petty security guard but you did not feel like explaining to the commission why you beat a guard. Sucking in a deep breath you run towards the officer who was too shocked to pull the trigger on the taser. Sticking your leg out you kick his feet out from under him sending his back to the floor. 

Without looking back you run down the hall taking as many turns as you could to find a hiding spot. One of these rooms had to have no camera in it. 

In your frantic looking, one door stood out. It was off to the left in a dead-end hallway. It had to be a good enough hiding spot as any. You sprint to the door and swing the door open into a pitch-black room. 

You felt bile rise in your throat at the thought of entering the darkness but you had no choice, security was hot on your heels. You close your eyes and step into the darkness, closing the door behind you. 

Your back rests against the door and you listen to the guards run past the hallway. For now they had no idea where you were. You let out a sigh of relief and feel around the wall for a light switch. 

Mercifully, you find it and switch it on. The room looked like any other hospital room except for one thing. There was someone in the bed and they were about to look up. 

Shit! You duck under one of the tables in time to hide from their view. 

“Oi, I thought I told you people to leave me alone! I already took the damn pills and agreed to stay the night.” 

Your breathing stops at the deep rough voice of Bakugou. You found him; he is not in a coma fighting for his life. He is in bed resting safely just feet away from you. A sob of relief climbs your throat, and you have to slap your hand over your mouth to mute it. 

The rush of blinding fear to find Bakugou suddenly turns into fear about seeing him. What if he did not want you to visit? Fuck you should have thought about this more before you left. 

“I can hear your breathing! Don’t make me get out of bed or I will kick your ass.” 

Not wanting him to hurt himself by standing you relent and force your weak knees up. You keep your eyes to the floor not daring to look at his face, “Surprise,” you tease weakly. 

“W-what?” Bakugou said, his voice high and full of confusion. 

“I-I heard you got hurt, no one was telling me anything, so I decided to come and check up on you myself. But I see you are fine so I will leave you alone. I am sorry for barging in.” 

“Wait! Don’t leave,” Bakugou winces as he sits up in bed, his abdomen covered in bandages. Instantly you rush to his bedside. 

“Don’t move that fast you will hurt yourself!” You lecture, gently pushing him back down to the bed. Bakugou looks down at your hands with shock, you had not touched him caringly since the incident. 

You quickly realized your hands were still on him and snatch them back to your side. You stand there awkwardly, unsure what to do. It was like the months of being together had been erased since he had left. 

“W-what happened?” You finally ask to break the silence. 

Bakugou looks down at his hands, “Some stupid kid ran out in the middle of the fight and almost got themselves killed. I didn’t have enough time to get them out of the way, so I had to shield them instead. Damn villain managed to shoot me.” 

“You got shot!” 

“Yeah, pathetic asshole knew he could not take me without a gun. Lucky for me he had terrible aim and managed to only graze my side. The only reason I am still in this stupid bed is because Rescue Girl is on vacation and refuses to come in and heal me.” 

The heavy weight on your heart lifted slightly knowing he was not seriously hurt but you still worried about his current condition. Bakugou was not one to sit around until he felt better. In the time the two of you had been together he only got sick once and it took tackling him to the ground and tying him up in bed to keep him from working. 

You knew him and Deku were on good terms now but dealing with a hurt Bakugou was a full-time job. “How long did the doctor say you have to be off work?” 

Bakugou scoffed, “She thinks I have to wait at least a week even with Recovery Girl. As soon as I can escape this bed I will head back to the office I have a villain to hunt down.” 

You put your hands on your hips, “Oh no you won’t. If the doctor tells you to wait a week you will wait a week.” 

A mischievous grin spreads across Bakugou’s face, “Oh, and how are you going to enforce that?” 

Blood rushes to your face making your cheeks feel like they were burning. To keep him from fighting his restraints the last time he was sick you had to fuck him until he was too tired to care he was chained up. By the time he had recovered from being sick you could barely walk and he had to be the one to take care of you.

“Don’t look at me like that when you are hurt.” 

“Then answer the question, how do you plan to keep me from working this week.” 

“What are you five? Do you really need an incentive to be good?” You taunt. 

A wolfish grin spread across his face, “Yes.” 

You throw your hands up in the air, “Ugh, you are terrible!” 

His hand reaches out and grabs your wrist to pull you in closer to the bed and for a second fear flashes in your eyes. All of the teasing had made you forget your fear but his touch brought is all back. 

Bakugou sensed the change in your demeanor and opened his hand to free you from his touch. 

“Wait, don’t move your hand,” you suck in a deep breath. “Just give me a second.” 

His warm long fingers wrapped themselves back around your wrist, holding still as you try to calm your heart. You were stronger than this fear. You could do this. 

“Baby, you don’t have to push yourself, I understand-” 

“No!’ You yell, taking a step closer to his bed. “This is ok, I will make this ok again.” 

You avoid looking at his face, needing to build up your strength before testing your limits. Being separated from him had helped your memories heal some but it was still difficult to see him. 

Forcing the tight fear in your chest down you intertwined your fingers through his and pull them up to your lips, gently kissing his knuckles.

“It is easier when I control where you touch,” you mumble to him, trying to follow Uraraka’s advice. 

“What?” Bakugou asked, unsure what you meant. 

“When you are the one controlling the touching, it makes me nervous because I don’t know what will happen next. It makes me feel like I have no control and that is when I start to freak out.” 

You look down to where your hands were joined, “When I am leading the touch I have some idea of what will happen next and it is easier to not feel scared.” 

“So you have to be in charge?” 

“I don’t have to always be in charge, I just need to know what you are thinking, what you are doing before you do it or I need to be guiding it.” 

Bakugou smiled, “So if I told you to sit on my face would that work?” 

A few incoherent words fall out of your mouth as you try to process what he just said. 

“Well, maybe, but you are hurt and need your rest. Besides, you should not be thinking about that while you are lying in a hospital bed. When you are discharged, we can try something like that.” 

Bakugou sat up straighter, “Oh no you don’t. I have gone without your taste on my tongue for too long. You are going to get that sweet ass over here and sit on my face.” 

“No, Bakugou. Look at the state of you. I could seriously hurt you.” 

That was the absolute worst thing you could have said, in seconds his teasing eyes filled with fiery determination. The last time he gave you that look was when you rejected going on a date with him. A week later he had your legs wrapped around his waist. 

He lifts his finger and points to you and then his face, “Come here.” 

You stubbornly shake your head, “This is not happening Bakugou. You could tear your stitches and have to stay in the hospital even longer.”

He shrugs, “Fine with me as long as you are here.” 

This damn man must be suicidal. “We need to talk more about our relationship before we dive right into sex.” 

“Your mouth will be free and clear to talk.” 

“This is an awful idea. What if I get freaked out in the middle of it all?” 

“That’s easy, we stop,” he gently pulls you in closer his face now only inches away. 

“Please baby I have missed you; I promise I will stop if it gets too much.”

You were conflicted. Neither of you were in a state where you should be fooling around. But the feel of his hand on yours was so calming and warm that you wanted more. 

“Alright,” you whisper. “But If you are in any pain you need to let me know.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I promise. Now get that pretty ass up here,” he pats his shoulders. 

“This is such a bad idea,” you mumble to yourself as you slip off your pants while Bakugou lowered the head of the bed. This could go wrong in so many ways but the longer you thought about his tongue on you the less you cared. 

“Fuck baby,” Bakugou groaned, “Climb up, you won’t hurt me.” 

You toss your pants to the side and do as he said. Climbing up onto his bed and carefully lowering yourself over his face. Your face was burning at the thought of what all he could see. Needing support, you grab ahold of the headboard. After all you did not want to hurt him. Bakugou was not having that. He wrapped his arms around your thighs and pulled you down until you had no choice but to rest your weight on his face. 

“Wait, you could hurt yourself,” you protested breathlessly. 

He only laughed, his hot breath teasing your aching cunt. He sat still under you for a few minutes letting you get adjusted to the feeling of his touch, and it let him soak in the sight of you above him. 

“Such a pretty pussy,” he mumbled against the soft skin of your thighs. Not wanting to move too fast he first places a few sloppy kissing along with your inner thigh, giving you ample time to mentally prepare for his mouth on your cunt. 

You try to stop yourself from shaking but it was impossible. It had been months since someone had touched you and to have Bakugou beneath you, ready to worship your body, was almost too much for your brain to process. 

Bakugou’s mouth teased your other thigh before settling on your already soaking wet pussy.

“That’s my good girl, already wet for me. This pretty pussy knows who it belongs to, but does its owner?” 

“Bakugou stop talking to my pussy and get to work,” you growl. 

“Tsk, when did you become so greedy?” The hands on your thighs shift around until they were able to spread open your sex giving him complete access to you.

“You are lucky I miss this just as much as you do or I would tease you for hours. Tie your ass to the bed and not let you leave until neither of us could move.” 

You rock your hips trying to egg him on, “Sounds to me like you are all talk.” 

The hands on your thighs tighten forcing you to put all your weight onto his face. You try to pull yourself up, not wanting to suffocate your boyfriend but he refuses and goes straight for the kill. His soft wet tongue drags a straight line up the slit of your cunt, gathering up your juices. 

Your hands abandon the headboard and thread through his hair. Bakugou groaned, settling into feasting on your cunt. His soft lips slide through your folds, looking for your hidden button. 

“Ah please Bakugou,” you beg, “it feels so good.” 

You could feel his smile against your skin before his mouth latches onto your throbbing clit, dragging it into his mouth. 

While his lips teased your clit, one hand left your thigh to snake around under you. You lurch forward as two thick fingers slip through your folds, wetting themselves in your slick before they gently press at your entrance. 

Your hips buck away from the combined sensations fearing to be too much but Bakugou was not having it, he strengthened his hold on your thighs and pushed you down on his fingers. You sob at the feeling of being stretched, it had been so long the burn was more intense than normal. 

“Fuck baby you are so tight around my fingers, I can’t wait to have you wrapped around my cock,” he groaned. 

“Bakugou,” you whined. “You can’t just say things like that.” 

He releases your clit with a pop, “Like what? Like how I want to feast on this pussy until you are all I can taste for weeks. Like how by the time I am done with you, you will be a sobbing mess that I will have to take care of. Just listen to this sloppy pussy take my fingers. Fuck baby people would kill for even a sliver of this cunt but too bad for them it is all mine.” 

You shove a fist in your mouth to stifle a loud moan. The last thing either of you needed was someone barging in. 

Bakugou pulled your aching bud back between his lips and got to work. The two fingers inside you started to pump, curling to hit your sweet spot each time they were inside you. His delicious tongue flicked up and down on your clit driving you mad. 

Trusting you would not run away he releases your other thigh and reaches under your shirt. His large hand stroked up your stomach, caressing the skin there before latching onto one of your nipples. He pinches the soft peak between his fingers, rolling it until it pebbles. You arch your back into his hand and start to rock your hips wanting more. 

Bakugou moans into your cunt, able to tell you were growing lost in the pleasure. He loved it when you were too engrossed with feeling good to care about anything except him. 

Looking down in between your legs you could see his light blonde hair peeking out from the apex of your thighs and had a devilish idea. 

“Bakugou stick out your tongue,” you order. 

He releases you from his mouth and looks up, his chin soaking with your juices, “What?” 

“Stick out your tongue, like this,” You show him with your own mouth. 

A spark of recognition flashed in his eyes and he smiled. Good, he liked the idea too. With no delay, his tongue stuck out of his mouth. You reach down and spread yourself open, settling back over Bakugou’s eager tongue. His fingers abandon you in favor of holding onto your ass while you dig your fingers into his hair. 

With both of you settled you slowly begin to rock your hips, riding his tongue. You start off slowly, watching closely for any sign Bakugou was not comfortable but judging by his growl of pleasure you would say he is just fine. 

A red hot warmth started to grow in the lower half of your body, slowly spreading its tingle to your lower belly. Fuck, the image of Bakugou beneath you, letting your ride his face was almost too much to process. 

“Oh god Bakugou,” you moan. “Please, it feels so good.” 

He could only groan in response, his mouth too busy bringing you to your peak. When you looked down at him between your legs you could only see his bright lust filled eyes. They were intensely watching you fall apart. 

White spots started to grow in your vision and you increase the speed of your thrusts. The fingers in his hair tighten, now holding onto him for dear life. It only took a few more rocks of your hips before the white spots grew into a blinding white light.

Overwhelming waves crashed into you, sending glorious pleasure pulsing through you. Your body was not your own as the electricity ran through you making every muscle grow taunt and release in a never-ending cycle. 

Bakugou redoubled his effort, not letting you even finish your first peak before he was building you up to another. The idea that you would feel that pleasure again was enough to make you mad. 

His fingers slipped into your clenching entrance and curled forward, teasing your sweet spot. His lips returned to your clit, sucking it gently into his mouth and lashing at the tender bud with his tongue. 

You release his hair, afraid you will rip it out, and hold onto the headboard as all the clenching tension finally releases, sending you spiraling. Loud wanton moans ripped from your throat and you could do nothing to stop them. 

Bakugou toyed with you until you could no longer hold yourself upright. Only then did he gently lift you off his face and down onto his lap. You slouch over and rest your forehead on his shoulder. The world around you was fuzzy, your mind still reeling from how hard you finished. 

“Wait, Bakugou you are not supposed to be lifting anything!” You yell when your mind finally returns to reality. 

“Tsk, I already told you I am fine.” 

You fought the urge to slap him, “You idiot what if you had busted open your stitches!” 

“You did not seem too worried about that when you were rubbing your cunt on my tongue.” 

“Well, obviously I was not thinking straight,” you mumble. Damn him for being right. 

Bakugou gives you a sly smile, “You know I am feeling a little sore.” 

Regret slams into you, “Damn it Bakugou, I was worried this would happen. Where are you hurting.”

His hips thrust upwards forcing his rock-hard cock against your ass. “Right there baby.”

You flick your finger against his forehead, “I was really worried you asshole.”  

“But it aches, won’t you make it feel better?” 

“You are lucky you are hot,” you whisper into his ear before carefully descending his body. You settle in between his legs, pulling down the blankets to free his cock. 

You have to stop and stare at it. Everything about your boyfriend had to be perfect. His cock was long and proud, resting on his stomach with a small tuft of blonde pubic hair at the base. His cock had one large vein running up the length of it, pulsing with each heartbeat. God, you wanted to trace that vein with your tongue. 

Reaching up you wrap your hand around the base of his cock. He was so warm on your hand, like your own personal space heater. You shuffle your body to get your mouth a little close to his cock and then before he could say anything bring the head of his cock into your mouth. 

His reaction was instant, his hands shot down to grab at the sheets beside your head. You could feel his hips flex under you as he fought the urge to thrust up into your mouth. 

Feeling emboldened by his reaction you relaxed the muscles in your jaw and took more of his length into your mouth. His salty flavor spilled across your tongue as he started to release pre-cum. Your poor baby had gone too long without any attention. 

Redoubling your effort you bring up your free hand and wet it with your spit. Reaching under your busy mouth you slide your finger down until you find Bakugou’s tight entrance. 

“Hey, what do you think you are doing?” Bakugou growls, grabbing your wrist. 

You let his cock fall out of your mouth and look up innocently, “I am making you feel good baby, just lay back and relax. I promise this will feel good.” 

He looked conflicted but slowly the iron-clad grip on your wrist loosened enough to set you free. Not waiting for him to change his mind you begin to circle his hole with your wet finger. Before you could even try to push your finger forward you needed him to relax. You return to teasing his aching cock with your mouth, sucking on his tip just the way he likes all the while circling your finger around his hole, waiting for him to relax enough for you to slip it in. 

As you take another inch of him into your mouth you could feel him relax enough to slip your finger slip past the tight ring of muscle. You could feel Bakugou tense so you did not move the finger forward, giving him time to adjust to the intrusion. 

With your tongue on his dick it was easy enough to distract him as you slowly inch your finger in. Once you went in far enough you twist your finger around, looking for a soft spongy spot inside him. A sharp thrust up into your mouth signaled you had found exactly what you were looking for. 

“What the fuck,” Bakugou groaned, his hands going to hide his face. You smirk, finally, you were the one driving him insane. 

You benign to move your hand and mouth on his cock in time with your finger in his ass. Small pathetic whines were leaving Bakugou’s mouth and you felt like a god. You were so engrossed in bringing him pleasure you had no time to think about anything else. 

You could hear his breathing begin to grow more labored and his cock grow even harder in your mouth. “Fuck, baby I am going to-” Was the only warning you had before his cum shot to the back of your throat. 

You swallow his release down, making sure to ease your hold on his cock, now only gently pumping your hand and finger to lengthen his orgasm. 

Slowly the pulsing of his cock stopped and you released him from your mouth, wiping the spit on your chin off with the back of your hand. You could not help but smile as you watched Bakugou slowly come back into the real world with a beautiful dazed look on his face. 

He slid his hand under your chin and lifted your head to meet his eyes, “Where the fuck did you learn that?” 

“Being away from you for this long made me desperate so I watched a couple of videos to make it easier.” 

“Right,” he said breathlessly, “You need to show me that shit later if it taught you that.”

You laugh, “Gladly. Now lay down you need your rest.” 

Bakugou tilts his head, “What the hell do you mean rest? I have not been away from you for too long, I can rest later. Now I am going to get my cock into that tight pussy.” 

“Bakugou you just finished.” 

“So,” he thrusts his hips up, rubbing his already erect cock against your ass. 

“How?” You ask in amazement. 

“I have been fantasizing about fucking you for months baby. Did you really think once would be enough to satisfy me?” 

Without waiting another minute his hands grab into your hips and lift you up. Lining your entrance up with the tip of his cock. In a flash you involuntarily tense your body, the memories of that night rushing back into your head. No, no, no, not now, not when you were so close to being one with Bakugou again. 

His bright red eyes meet yours as he feels you tense. Fuck, why did you always mess everything up, this was all your fault. Why could you not just be normal, that is what he deserved a nice normal happy girl. 

“Hey,” Bakugou whispered softly. “Talk to me, what is wrong.” 

You wanted to keep your lips shut, to pretend that everything was fine but that would be lying. You never wanted to lie to him. 

“I can’t stop thinking about Mimic. One minute I am fine and the next he is all I can see.” 

Bakugou’s eyebrows furrowed, “You were fine with what we did earlier? What triggered it?” 

You shake your head, “It is different every time. It is just hard for my mind to differentiate from my Bakugou and the one Mimic made.” 

“So call me Katsuki.” 

“Huh?” 

“If you are having a hard time with there being two Bakugou’s, then try calling me Katsuki. That way there is at least one easy way to tell me apart from him.” 

“You want me to call you by your first name?” 

His eyes softened, “Yeah baby, I want you to call me by my first name.” 

“Katsuki,” You test his name out, loving how it feels on your tongue. You watch his face to see his reaction and see lust fill his gaze. Oh he liked it.

You start to whisper his name over and over again, like a prayer to remind yourself you were no longer under Mimics thumb. You were with the man who would kill anything that tried to hurt you.

“If you keep saying my name like that baby I am going to fuck you,” Katsuki growled into your ear.

Oh would he now? You wiggle your hips, teasing the head of your cock with your dripping slit. Pulling him in close you whisper one little word, “Katsuki.”

“You asked for it,” He laughed, hauling your hips back up until they hovered over his cock.

The hands on your hips gripped down with bruising force and his cock slipped into your entrance. All the play from earlier had left you more than prepared enough to take his length. The familiar burn started as his cock sank deeper inside you, opening you wide for him.

“By the time I am finished with you, this tight cunt is going to be fucking dripping in my cum. I am going to fill you to the fucking brim.”

A low groan was your only response he bottomed out inside you, his cock leaving no space unfilled. You could damn near feel him in the back of your throat. Normally he would be the one to initiate thrusting but you were growing too impatient.

Bracing your hands on his chest, careful to avoid his bandages, you lift your hips up until only the tip of his cock was inside. Then you slam your hip down, marveling at the feel of him entering you again.

His cock was perfect for hitting all the sweet spots inside you. Not wanting to be left out Katsuki grab ahold of your ass and uses his own strength to strengthen each thrust.  

You look down to where you both were joined and almost came on the spot. The sight of his cock pistoning into you was mind-shattering. He looked like a god beneath you. His large muscles building with effort, the thick veins in his arms standing elevated.

“Look at me,” he ordered, his bright red eyes filled with determination. “Right now you are mine, that means the only thing you are allowed to think about is me. About how good my cock feels splitting you open. Is that clear?”

You weakly nod your head, too overwhelmed to speak. A soft smile spreads across his face, “That is my baby, so good for me.”

His praise felt like a caress on your skin. You needed to distract yourself or this would end too soon. You lean forward and press your lips onto his. His tongue glided along the seam of your lips, demanding entrance. You happily opened your mouth allowing his tongue to slip inside. The taste of his spit was mixed with your own flavor, and you still had some of his taste on your tongue. The combined flavor was so fucking lewd and hot.

The familiar tingled started to grow in your pussy, you were not going to last long. The muscles in your legs begin to tremble making your thrusts grow sloppy. Katsuki was not having it. His hips rose to meet yours, forcing your body to endure even more pleasure all the while he toyed with your mouth.

It all became too much, the different sensations all worked together to drive you up, higher and higher you were climbing until it was hard to even breathe. Then, just like that, all the pressure released sending you spiraling.

Your pussy clamped down on his cock, forcing Katsuki to erupt. The thought of him filling you only lengthened the brutal pleasure filling your mind. There was no room in your mind for anything but him. You had no care in the world but him just like he ordered. 

As the pulses of pleasure slowed you were able to finally catch your breath. You both laid still in each others arms for a few minutes, letting you come slowly back to earth. Of all the times the two of you fucked this definitely had to be in the top three. Though they did say that makeup sex was the best. 

“How are you feeling?” Katsuki asked, his voice rough. 

You rest your ear against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, “I feel good.” 

He places a soft kiss on your forehead, “Do you think you are ready for me to come home?” 

You take the time to think about it. Having him back in your life did not set off fear like it used to. Instead, it made you feel warm inside. You looked forward to going to bed with him instead of dreading it. 

“Yeah,” you smile. “Yeah, I am.” 

The arms around your waist tighten pulling you impossibly closer to his chest. You snuggle in closer, getting comfortable. Katsuki would never admit it but lying here with you in his arms safe and happy was one of the happiest moments in his life. 

Neither of you was healed from what had happened but you refused to push him away again. You will get past what happened and you will do it with him by your side. 

[fatalitysficbakery]

That’s Not Her Name. John Munch x Black Fem!Reader

Genre; Fluff

Warnings; Sexual Harassment, Slut shaming, Semi Aggressive Munch, Drive-by Racism.

Synopsis; inspired by s13ep9 when the lawyer calls alex “sweetheart” and munch steps in his face and goes “ADA Cabot” but with y/n and someone disrespecting her while they’re on a date.

↳ ❤︎ Heavensficbakery navigation menu ❤︎.

↳ ❤︎ Heavensficbakery law and order svu menu ❤︎.

—Contrary to popular belief, Seargent John Munch could indeed be aggressive; There were several instances where his slither of aggression would come out to play and many of them involved disrespect; Many of them also involved Mrs. Munch, who John didn’t take any disrespect towards. She was the one person you couldn’t fuck with when in his presence, though it was better not to disrespect her at all; It always got back to John. Always.

With a job like John’s, hours could be messy, and date nights few, and though you and John had been married for 10 years, you always vowed to keep your relationship new by setting aside a day just for the two of you- After a particularly stressing case, John had been looking forward to that day without a doubt, and no matter how many date nights you had? He would still think of you as the most beautiful woman in the world, storing it away into his brain as a fond memory, from the outfit you wore to the way you smiled.

John hated it when something took away your smile.

↳

The night was young, the two of you danced and giggled like teenagers; John saw the future in your eyes once more and decided it still looked quite heavenly as he kissed from your hand to your arm, humming the tune of the song you danced to near your ear, your curls sneaking their way into his shirt.

Before long the night took you to the bar whilst your husband disappeared to the bathroom; smoking a cigar with a martini in front of you slowly leaving with each sip you’d take. You were talking to the bartender, she was a close friend you and Munch had known from the beginning of your relationship till now; She recounted her current life situation while you just barely listen with a dazed nod and a “mhm” thrown in here or there- Suddenly there was a body next to yours and it wasn’t your John.

~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~ + ~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~

You at first ignored the figure looming, continuing to talk with your friend whilst he willed your eyes his way, failing miserably; talking was the next step.

“Hey there, dollface. You look…stunning”. You could hear a raspy smokers voice next to you and when you looked over at them your suspicions were confirmed, “Rodney…Whaddya want”? you asked, fully prepared for the creep to fuck with you, he was known for it and he’d taken a particular liking to you after seeing you at a fashion show you’d modeled in Manhattan- Since then you could swear you’d seen him everywhere but you’d definitely neglected to tell John about him knowing with his profession he’d pursue the topic persistently.

“I want a dance pretty lady” Rodney slurs, smelling of pure liquor, you had to hold back the urge to vomit, your face upturned into a pretty scowl, “I’m a married woman, Roddy. Getcho liquor smelling ass away from me”.

Rodney mirrors your scowl, only grimmer. You wanted to say you weren’t intimidated by the prick in the slightest but his 6’3 towered over your 5’2 easily and paired with his overwhelming drunkenness; you wished John would hurry.

“Oh, you want me to be rougher, huh? Okay, bitch let’s playyyy ball”! His voice raises, and he catches your arm in a hideous grip, his face near you; the smell of whiskey directly in your face. You tried to pull away but even while ridiculously drunk, the man was disturbingly strong, “Where’s that husband of yours, whore? He ain’t here and he ain’t real, is he? So, why don’t you just part those pretty legs for me, already? Stop denying me when I know you want me, Latifah”.

—

“That’s not her name, and maybe you remember me, Rodney. Sergeant John Munch…Take your hands off my wife, Rodney”.

The word wife must’ve rang through his brain a thousand times before it registered he was sexually harassing a sex crime sgt’s wife; He ripped his hand away like you’d caught fire- Stuttering apologies as Munch neared him, “I’m being nice when I tell you this, asshole. Come around the beautiful lady again and we’ll go dancing to a jail cell. I’ll even bring ya roses. How about that”?

You looked at your husband like your superhero, the sweet conspiracy theorist suddenly looked like someone better than Batman in your eyes, and that made you fall in love with him even more; Rodney looked like a clown, his face still shocked bumbling out apologies to try and save his ass as he stumbled off. You roll your eyes, snickering.

“Took you long enough, Munch” You tease, calling him Munch to make him think you were mad at him.

“My apologies, I’ll reject my bladders invite next time” Throwing his arm around you with a scoff, “That’s why you’ve been so paranoid, isn’t it”?

He knew. Of course he knew, you shouldn’t have expected anything less, he could read you like an open book, he favorite book at that- He could sit there for hours on end observing the smallest of things about you to tuck away in his suit pocket for later conveniences. You look away, and he takes your silence as an answer with a small ‘ah’, he fills in the blank.

“I don’t go that overboard, do I”? He asked jokingly, squeezing your shoulder gently walking out of the bar.

You look at your husband with a raise of your brow, and your next words prove to him he’d still picked the right woman to love and marry. Your voice flat and sarcastic.

“You could be a comedian, John”.

~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~ + ~•~~•~•~~•~•~~•~

A/N: i love Munch with my entire heart, he deserves more love and i just HAD to write for him.

[dirtychocolatechai]

meet-cute | b.b.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader Warning(s): fluff, awkward Bucky, vet appointment stuff, Alpine Request: Babes if you're lowkey taking requests can I lowkey make one? 👉🏼👈🏼🥺💕 something flirty and cute and maybe a lil spicy with Bucky and vet!reader where something's going on with Alpine? Not self indulgent at all 😻💖 Notes: This was the first thing I’ve written in months and it felt damn good. Funny story, I actually almost went to school to be a vet tech + shadowed a vet for two weeks and got to see some wickedly cool things.

This was a bit self-indulgent on my part because I had a cat who passed away some years ago because of struvite stones and I wished he had a happier ending like Alpine so I thought why not 🤷‍♀️💖

Taglist is open

(gif from google)

There’s nothing Bucky hates more than the stringent smell of industrial cleaners and clinical white walls - too many associations and shades of memory long laid to rest - except for when something’s going on with Alpine. The Turkish Angora was fine up until a few days ago when he started to hide away and sleep all day.

That wasn’t too concerning at first...

But then came the pained little noises, the frantic running back and forth from the litter box, the excessive grooming. The pit that started forming low in his belly grew, his instincts screaming at him that something was wrong, very wrong, with his little buddy. 

Bucky wasn’t about to fuck around and set up an appointment with the first vet office he could find that had a same-day opening. And now he’s trying not to fall apart at the seams while he waits for the docs to do their magic and tell him what the hell’s going on with his cat and what he has to do to fix it.

The vet tech collected Alpine a bit ago and every minute stretches into years, the cat’s pitiful meow echoing in his ears and those betrayed eyes burned onto the backs of his eyelids.

I know, Bub, I’m sorry but they gotta figure out what’s going on. It’ll be okay, they’ll take care of you. 

His ass went numb from the plastic chair ages ago, his leg jiggling up and down at a rapid pace as he chews on his thumbnail and waits.

And waits.

And waits.

God, he knows these things take time but he’d rather be back at home, curled up on the couch with Alpine pigging out on breakfast food and watching space documentaries. 

How much longer-

“Alright, Mr. Barnes?”

The heavy door swings open with a click, a kind, professional voice preceding a pair of sensible shoes as the vet steps into the room with a clipboard cradled against her chest. His eyes snap up, skipping over her completely to look at the tech holding his cat who looks absolutely miserable. 

She introduces herself but he’s not paying attention. He’s not meaning to be rude but all his focus narrows in on that white little face, the knot in his chest unfurling at the little mew.

He smiles, his eyes crinkling around the edges as he breathes, “Hey there, Little Buddy.” 

The vet doesn’t push, in fact, she seems a little enamored with how much he melts at the sight of his pet. Her own lips quirk up into a soft smile while she stands off to the side patiently as Alpine’s set down on the metal table.

Bucky gets in a few good scritches under his chin, the beginnings of a purr just starting to vibrate his hand when the vet clears her throat delicately. 

He clears his throat, heat burrowing into the apples of his cheeks. “Shi - uh, ‘m sorry.” A hand scrubs over the back of his neck. “I’m just - uh - y’know...” 

Her laugh trickles down his spine like warm rain, the sound effectively drawing his attention away from the cat rubbing up against his side. He gets his first look at her and oh.

A bare face and a no-nonsense hairstyle greet him, her scrubs and white coat adding to the overall doctor vibe but she’s still breathtaking. The natural beauty in the curves of her face, the slant of her brows, the sparkle of her eyes.

He feels like he got sucker-punched in the chest, his heart giving a sudden throb that has him coughing like an idiot as he scrambles to not look like such a jackass.

“So,” he clears his throat, scratching at the stubble along his jaw, “What’s - what’s wrong with him?” 

Glancing down at Alpine’s chart, she hums and writes a note before glancing back up with a reassuring smile. “Nothing that can’t be managed with a special diet and watching his water intake.”

It’s like the weight of the world disappears from his shoulders, his broad frame practically heaving with his sigh of relief. “Oh thank fucking- ahem, ‘scuse me - thank god.” 

Her chuckle and sly smile have him blushing from the roots of his hair to the collar of his shirt, his stomach squirming in discomfort. Old habits are hard to break, especially ones his momma taught him with a box to the ear.

“You’re allowed to swear, Mr. Barnes,” she says, reaching down to run her fingers through snow-white fur. “We’re all adults here.” 

“No, no, I know...” 

“Hm, anyway, his blood work came back and everything looks fine which is a good thing.” 

And it’s back to business like that, any hint of personality hidden behind cool professionalism that Bucky thinks even Tasha would admire. Except for the playful gleam in her eyes as she sneaks peeks at him while going over everything they did and what they found. 

“Struvite crystals are quite common in cats at low levels, especially males because their tract is longer and narrower.” She pauses, flipping to a new page. “Depending on the severity, they can clump together in the urinary tract and actually form stones. That’s where the true problem lies because get one large enough, and it can cause a blockage.”

He’s listening with rapt attention, soaking in the knowledge she’s imparting to him all the while, petting Alpine who keeps nuzzling him and making little sounds. Honestly, he could listen to her talk for hours even if he didn’t understand a goddamn thing. 

She’s so animated when she speaks, holds eye contact and makes sure he understands everything without making him feel like an idiot. He’s had so many doctors who talked at him rather than with him, staring through him without seeing, more interested in the paycheck rather than their patients.

But not her, she cares.

Deeply.

He can see it all over her face and it’s utterly enchanting. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little enamored, charmed.

Turning the tablet towards him, she shifts closer and a waft of whatever perfume she’s wearing tickles his nose as she explains what the x-ray of Alpine’s abdomen found.

“These are the stones but thankfully they’re relatively small,” she points to several hazy white ovals starkly visible on the radiograph, “We caught them in time before they became a really big problem.” 

Shit, she smells so good...

 “Now, we’ll send you home with a special diet and see how he does. Also, make sure to up his fluid intake as much as you can. The food can take several months to start dissolving the crystals so we’ll have to do everything we can to help. Sound good?”

Bucky hasn’t pulled his eyes away from her face once this entire time, and how fucking creepy is that?

Quickly looking down at Alpine, embarrassment gnawing at his belly, he nods and wishes for the first time since he cut his hair that he hadn’t so he’d at least have a passing chance at hiding the blush burning its way across his face. 

“Yeah,” he says, picking up the ball of white fluff to hold against his chest, a makeshift shield. “Is there anything else I should do?” 

“No.” She smiles, writing another note and tapping away at the tablet next to her. “I do want to see him again in about a month for a check-up.”

Fuck, he doesn’t want to leave so soon.

The irony isn’t lost on him either.

How does he make this last longer? What can he do? If Sam was here right now, he’d be kicking him in the ass and bitching at him to ask for her number already, Ice Pick.

The clack of the chart being set down rings through the room, bouncing off the walls and sounding so fucking final that he starts to panic. 

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. 

She’s already halfway to the door when she asks, “Do you have any questions?”

The word vomit spring from him, unbidden and sudden without any thought, more forward than he’s been with a woman in years.

“Can I have your number?”

As soon as the question leaves his lips, he curses, cringes and wishes he could snatch the very words from the air itself.

Great, I just hit on my vet.

No amount of backpedaling can salvage this but goddamn it if Bucky doesn’t try, stuttering out some half-assed excuse about wanting it just in case he thinks of something later.

When he glances up, he wishes he hadn’t. The vet tech is in near tears in the corner, biting her lips so hard he wouldn’t be surprised if they started to bleed.

But it’s the absolute surprised bafflement on the woman he just inappropriately hit on that does him in, makes him about ready to burn all forms of identification and run for the hills. 

Her brows nearly reach her hairline, her mouth slack, eyes startled. She gets ahold of herself before he does, and he barely stops himself from slapping a hand over his face.

Right when he’s thinking there’s no way he’s going to be able to show his face in the office again, her expression softens with gentle amusement and her lips twitch. 

Struck dumb, he can only watch as she writes something down on a slip of paper before handing it over to him. He barely believes the string of numbers and the cheeky little call me anytime :).

The wink she sends his way is there and gone, so fast he almost believes he imagined it. 

“For emergencies only,” she says, slyly. “Of course.”

“Of course,” he agrees, almost tripping over the cat carrier as he hurries to stuff Alpine back in. “Of course, thank you. I...appreciate it.” 

“Anytime, Mr. Barnes.” 

Bucky leaves the room in a stupor, the world sharply shifted to the left as he heads to the front desk to make the follow-up appointment, but not before hearing the whispered, “Girl, you’re lucky. He’s fine!” and the “He is, isn’t he?”. 

[bjornswoman]

Toxic I

Requested by none.

Author's note: Hey guys! First of all, thank you for your support. As for this, it was supposed to be one-shot, but there is going to be a part two. Stay tuned, thank you for reading this and have a nice day!

Pairing: Modern!Ivar x Reader

Genre: Modern!au, smut, angst, drama.

Summary: You and your ex end things.

Warnings: Smut, unprotected sex, strong language, cheating, a little bit of jealousy.

Part two

"And do you know what's the worst part? The worst part is that instead of hating you, I am hating myself! Because I still fucking believe that you are a good person! When you clearly aren't!"

"I am not a good person, right, (Y/N)? And you? What about you? You are a good person right? If you believe that, you are wrong! You are as evil and bad person as I am! We are the same and you can't do nothing about it! Admit it, my love, you are as ruined as I am!"

"You are the worst person I have ever met, Ivar! I don't even want to look at you! How could I even let myself trusting you? Falling in love with you? What a fool I am!"

"Falling in love with me? If you call this love, then clearly you don't know what love means, (Y/N)!"

"Oh right! And you do know, don't you? You know everything! You are always right! You don't know what's love either! How could you, you have never loved anyone!"

"Don't fucking turn your back on me when you are talking, woman! Don't you dare to leave! I haven't spoke my last word!"

"Fuck off! You are the one who always says the last word, the conversations end when you decide, but not this one! I don't want to hear anything! We are fucking done! I can't stand you, Ivar! I just can't......"

You left after that, but there were night that you wished you had stayed. Maybe if you did had stayed, you would be his wife now and not that bitch. Her name was Freydis or something. She was the most fake person you had ever met. She was beautiful but fake and that meant a lot of things for her. She was happy with her rich husband. Actually, wealth was the only think whick made her happy. She didn't care about Ivar, he was the last thing she cared about, when he seemed to love her.

You were both happy and angry about this. That woman clearly didn't love him, but he loved her. You were happy that he had found a woman to really love. You knew that whatever it was between you wouldn't work out. You had always been fighting for nothing. He was overreacting about men being around and the same you did about women around him.

His words were true. You were the same, that was the main reason a relationship between you would never been healthy. That didn't mean that you there wasn't love. You loved him and he loved you, but you were so alike to make it work. Both of you so bloody stubborn and short-tempered. In that house of yours every day were setting a battle between Ivar and you. Most of the times he was the one who decided that it had to be finished. He was worse than you, that was true, but you were bad yourself.

You were married too. Your husband was a good man and a successful businessman. So a deal between Ivar and Erik, your husband, was something that happened and you hadn't seen it coming.

Now you were having dinner with him and his wife at some restaurant, acting like you don't know each other. His piercing blue eyes glanced over at you sometimes and you did the same thing. He looked older, obviously, there were two years from your last time together. His hair was longer than before and his body seemed stronger.

Your eyes stuck somewhere after a while. It was Freydis' round belly. Your eyes widened and your husband along with Ivar noticed. That annoying smirk formed on his face. He knew exactly what you were thinking. You were jealous because he impregnated Freydis and not you. In fact, he had told you that due to his deformity he was unable of having children of his own, but you were the one who told him that this was possible.

"What is it (Y/N)?" Erik asked and you cleared your throat ready to talk. You didn't want to sound all surprised or something. You just wanted them to think that you were just happy. You truly were, but jealousy was the other feeling you had inside you and was eating you alive. You couldn't deny its existence, if you did, you would lie only to yourself, because from the way Ivar was staring at you, you knew too well that he knew how you were feeling as well.

"You are with child! Congratulations!" You said happily and she smiled. She caressed her round belly and Ivar did the same. That move was the one which hurt you the most. "How far are you?" You asked her, but she didn't even opened her name to respond, Ivar was the one who answered you.

"We are on the sixth month." He said all happy and kept staring at you. "What about you? Do have or want to have children?" He asked. You let Erik answer this. He knew your answer. You had told him about this a long time ago.

"Unfortunately, Gods haven't blessed us with a child yet, but both me and my wife, (Y/N) want a child." He said and pulled you closer by your waist and kissed your neck. That was something who didn't went unnoticed by Ivar. He didn't like that movement, you could say. His jaw clenched, but the smirk didn't fade away from his face.

"I hope Frigg bless you with a child!" Freydis exclaimed with a fake smile on her face. You smiled back and caressed your husband's hand. Ivar wasn't pleased by this, but he had to understand that you didn't belong to him. You didn't belong to anyone. You were an independent woman.

"When the Gods think that we are ready the child will come." You spoke and lifted your glass to drink some of your drink, but it was empty. You smiled at all of them and turned to your husband. "I will go buy myself a drink, do you what one?" You asked and he shook his head, meaning that he didn't want a drink and you stood up. You walked to the bar, Ivar was following you. You hadn't noticed but you did when you saw him next to you. The bar was away from your table, so you could curse all you wanted.

When your eyes met his blue ones, they were already up on your figure, you rolled yours and turned to the bartender.

"Scotch without any rock for the Mr Lothbrok." You said looking at the confused face of the bartender.

"Lemonade vodka for Mrs Nelson." He spoke with his cold, stable voice. You turned to him with a smirk on your face.

"Actually, it's scotch on the rocks for me." You said, still looking at him.

"You didn't like scotch before. You used to drink vodka." He stated, placed a cigarette on his mouth and light it up with his favorite lighter. This specific one he loved the most. It was a gift from his mother.

"A lot of things has changed." You said and placed a cigarette on your lips as well, you didn't need to search for a lighter, he light it up for you. "For instance, now I am smoking as well. I didn't use to do that when we were together." You continued and inhaled the smoke of your cigarette. Then you exhaled and took your drink.

"Nah, I don't think so. I see the same stubborn woman, I knew back then. I bet that if I kissed you right now here, you would lean in me kiss." He said and you turned to face him. Who did he think he was? His words upset you, because they were true. Your body responded immediately to his touch, it craved his touch. Actually, you wanted him to touch you know, here. You didn't really care about anyone, but that round belly got you out of your filthy thoughts. That woman had his child inside her. You pushed him back angry and looked back at your table. Erik and Freydis were busy talking about whatever.

"You wouldn't dare." You warned him and that arrogant smile, that you secretly loved, formed on his face. He pulled you closer to him by your wrist. His mouth was inches away from your ear and his hot breath fell on your neck as he spoke.

"Is this a challenge or something?" He whispered to you and your body shivered. He enjoyed it. Probably, he loved seeing like that, loved seeing that he had still such a power on you, after your miserable wedding. You marriage was arranged. Your family needed money and Erik Nelson had a lot lf them. He was a good man and that year of your marriage were good, but you couldn't love him the way you loved Ivar. You could never love anyone else the way you loved him, neither you own husband.

You pulled away from him and tried to calm yourself down. The last thing you wanted was Erik to understand anything. He would start asking things and that would be unpleasant for both of you. But neither Freydis should understand. She was pregnant.

"No, Ivar, it isn't. There are no ifs or challenges. Both of us are married to another people. Your wife is pregnant. You are having a deal with my husband. Things are already complicated Ivar, we don't have to confuse them even more." You started saying. A tear was about to be dropped from your eye. He seemed sad as well. He loved Freydis, she was his wife, the mother of his child, but you, you were the woman he loved more than any other. You would always have a place inside his heart. "What happened between us it was destined to fail. You had told me once that we are the same, that's true, we are and that's the main reason can't be together. We are toxic for each other." You said and wiped the tear awawy when it was dropped.

He didn't answer and that surprised you. Ivar had always had an answer for everything you said, but now nothing. You smiled at him and started walkimg again. His hand stopped you again. He pulled you closer to him and your back collided on his chest. His leaned down mis mouth was close to your ear.

"Meet me after this parody of a dinner and we will put an end on us." He whispered and you closed your eyes for a moment. This would never end for you, but you would meet him.

"Fine." You whispered and both of returned to that table.

When you sat down on your chair your husband's hand wrapped around your waist and his lips left a soft kiss on your cheek. You weren't affected by that. The only thing you could think at that moment, was what would happen after this.

"I got worried about you." Erik said and you rolled your eyes. He was flirting with Freydis. He flirted with any woman, but you didn't really cared being cheated by him. You wouldn't give him the child he wanted it. Your life was miserable and a child would be miserable too and that would be unfair for this kid. He was nothing but good to you, but that wasn't enough for you to love him. You couldn't help your feelings for Ivar. You couldn't make them disappear.

"There were many people waiting for drinks so me and Mr Lothbrok were late." You said looking at Ivar. He was talking with his wife, caressing her belly. Your gaze returned to Erik. He had understood that something was bothering you, but you started talking before he ask. "I am not feeling so well. Can we just go home, Erik?" You asked him and he looked through your eyes. He could sense that something was odd with you and he didn't want to ask anything more than what he already knew.

"We will." He whispered to you and turned to Ivar and Freydis. They were already watching you. Erik had this smile that he had always wore on his face. "(Y/N) isn't feeling alright. I hope you understand that we have to leave. Excuse us, Ivar." He spoke and Ivar's blue eyes met with yours.

"Yes, totally. Erik we will be in touch." He said and all of you stood up. Freydis started walking infront of all of you and Erik followed. "Meet me in an hour where we met for first time." Ivar whispered to you when you walked infront of him. You just nodded and left with your husband.

-------------------------------------------------------

When you reached the place, you found him there. He was sitting on a rock and smoking. That reminded you of the old times. You had always found him like this back then.

"You are late, as always." He spoke and threw the cigarette away. He was about to stood up but you stopped him. You sat down next to him. "Your husband is a fool." He said and you turned to face him angry.

"Don't call him that! He is a good man and I feel enough guilty because I lied to him just to meet you." You said and he laughed. That laughter was music to your ears. You missed that. But that laughter meant to mock your husband, so you wouldn't let him see that you liked it.

"It's so easy to lie to him, (Y/N). I told you he is a fool and don't get angry, it's just fact." He stated. He said all of that just to piss you off and he succeeded.

"Anyway, we didn't meet here to talk about Erik. In fact, you told me to meet you here and I came. What is it, Ivar?" You asked, looking at him now. He didn't know how to start, there were so much to be told.

"That night you didn't really stayed to listen what I wanted to tell you." He started and you felt that your mouth was dried. You didn't want to remember that night. It was painful for you. "You told me that I had never loved anyone, but that's not true. I loved you. I was going to tell you, but you never cared to listened to me, (Y/N). You were the only woman I had ever loved. And, as everyone else, you left me because obviously you didn't feel the same thing." He said coldly and you narrowed your eyes. That wasn't true.

"What are you saying?! I did and I fucking do love you even now!" You yelled and stood up fro the rock. You turned your back at him and you placed your hand on your head. He stood up as well. You could feel him right behind you.

The hand of his that didn't hold the scratch, turned you to face you and pulled you closer. You didn't dare to look at him.

"(Y/N) look at me!" He ordered and you obeyed. "Say what tou said before again." He said, but you didn't open your mouth. "Fucking say it!" He yelled.

"I said that I still fucking love you, Ivar." You confessed again and he smiled. He guided his lips on yours. That shocked you, but you leaned in his kiss. You missed the sense of his lips on yours. He was biting your lips hungrily and his hand was pressing your body to his. His grip there was strong and he hurt you a little bit, but you didn't mind. "Why did you do that?" You whispered trying to catch your breath when you pulled away. He didn't let you escape from his strong grip, so your body stayed trapped to him.

"Because I love you too." He said and leaned closer to kiss you again, but you didn't let him kiss you. Ivar looked at you, frowned out of confusion.

"We can't do that, Ivar. You are married and your wife is pregnant and I am married as well." You said, but he didn't seem to care about all that.

"I told you after this night we are done forever. So, let me enjoy this night (Y/N)." He said and pressed his lips on yours again. You didn't resist you let him kiss you. This time his tongue started playing games with yours. His hand that gripped your waist, placed on your hip and squeezed it. You moaned within your kiss and he smiled. "Let's go down there as the old times." He said and you followed him. There was a beach. It was peaceful there. You used to go there all the time when you were together.

You laid down on the sand and he came on top of you. He started letting little kissed, that became little marks after a while. Your moans because of him, drove him crazy. He stopped the contact between your neck and his mouth only to get rid of your shirt and your bra. After this, his attention was on your breasts. One of his hands cupped one of your breasts and the other was attacked by his mouth. You felt really wet and you couldn't help it. Only Ivar could make you feel like that. Your own hands started unbuttoning his black shirt and you took it off his body.

Your eyes fell on his tattooed torso. He covered in tattoos. Your hands started touching his body and he continued doing what he was doing.

"Ahhh, I can't.... Ivar...... I need you....." You said with your moans and he smiled. His skilled hands moved to your jean skirt and he took it off your body along with your panties.

You groaned when his fingers touched your inner thighs and started circling them. Without any warning, his fingers entered you and you screamed him name. His fingers were moving rough and fast inside you and you were moaning louder than before. Your hands forned fists and trapped inside them sand.

"If you continue that way, I will cum on your fingers." You said and he continued what he was doing, but this time his finger moved even faster than before. You couldn't keep yourself anymore. Your walls clenched around his fingers. "Fuck....." You screamed when you realeased yourself on his fingers. He placed his fingers on his mouth and licked your juices. You tried to catch your breath, but he didn't let you because his hands unzipped his pants and took them off along with his boxers. He stroked his member twice before he take place between your legs.

He pushed himself inside you and you growled. He moved fast inside you and that hurt you, because you weren't used with his size. Each time his thrusts were deeper and stronger. You feeled that he was touching you core. You were moaning each time he was pushing himself inside you and he was growling.

"Tell me how good I fill you." He said and you looked at his blue eyes. You tried to catch your breath for a while and answer but that wasn't possible at that moment.

"You....... a-are...... the-the best." You moaned loud and he started laughing. "Fuck....... I-I... can't......" You muttered and he moved rougher inside you. "I'm..... coming....." You announced and you you squeezed around himself. Ivar groaned. "Ivar!" You screamed when you left yourself released around him.

"Fuck, (Y/N)." He growled and pulled himself out of you. Your sweaty body was covered in sand. Your body was covered in purple marks, as well, from his strong hands or scratches and you neck had some hickeys. He laid on sand next to you and turned to look at you, as you were trying to find your breath. "Come on, woman, ride me." He spoke and you did as he said. You tried not to harm his legs. You had this fear that you would hurt him and you didn't want that. You had always been afraid of that. "Move!" He growled and your movements became faster. Your were on top of him, but he couldn't wait any longer. He wanted to feel you again. His hands grabbed you hips firmly and pushed you down to him. He thrusted roughly inside you and you groaned. You started moving your body up and down. His hands were hurting your bruised hips, but you didn't care.

"Ivar...... Ahh, Ivar!" You screamed, when the thrusts of his were rougher and faster inside you and hit your core. Your second release was close and his first too. You clenched around him and he squeezed your hips tighter. "I......... I...... can't.........." You moaned, as you released around him. You closed your eyes tightly and he kept thrusting in you, until it was time for his release. His hot seed filled your walls.

You opened your eyes and found him gazing at the night sky. It was a starry night. He pulled out of you. You got off him and laid down on the sand. You were a mess. Your body was hurting.

As he said, after all this, he put an end on you. Or not?

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius

[so-writing]

Sugar, Honey, Ice and Tea - Matthew Tkachuk (9)

all parts in the master list

-

It was obvious that you’d been reading far too much into the way Matthew had been treating you and acting around you. 

It was obvious that he just really fucking liked your cat and that was it.

It was obvious to you now that you’d never have Matthew Tkachuk in any capacity so you needed to get over your stupid feelings and attraction and go back to treating him the way you did before the roadie. 

So you did. 

*

He had no idea what he had done to make her revert back to her old behaviors. He thought they were starting to finally get along and maybe, actually become friends. They spent small amounts of time together in their respective apartments and they were civil—bordering on friendly—at work. 

“Hey!” 

Matthew gave her a big smile and pulled up in front of her to bump her fist but instead of greeting him a similar fashion, she rolled her eyes and pushed past him without a word.

It was like that for two weeks and it wasn’t just at work. When they happened to run into each other in their shared building, she barely spoke to him and almost completely avoided eye contact. 

He had no fucking clue what he had done to make her hate him again. Before all this started, he thought maybe they were getting somewhere, in some way he didn’t even know how to explain. 

Everything came to a head after a home game and a huge loss to the Oilers. 

*

Someone was knocking, no, pounding on your door and you were in no mood to deal with anyone’s bullshit. You had just arrived home from the arena after a devastating loss to the Oilers and you were in a shit mood. All you wanted to do was sleep and whoever was slamming their fist into your door clearly didn’t care you had a skincare routine to get through before you went to sleep. 

You didn’t bother looking through the peephole, instead opting to rip the door open and tear apart whoever was on the other side.

“What the fuck?!”

He wasn’t who you expected to see, though if you thought about it, you weren’t sure who else it would be. 

Matthew was still in his suit but his curls were more disheveled than earlier, indicating that he’d been running his fingers through them. He bit his lip as he looked down at you and the expression on his face was unreadable.

“Fucking, what, Matthew? I need to sleep.”

“Why aren’t you nice to me anymore?”

“Because I don’t fucking like you.” 

You weren’t prepared to see his face drop the way it did and but you refused to feel bad for. 

“Since when?”

“Since always, Matthew, we don’t get along. We don’t like each other, we aren’t friends.” 

He literally shrank into himself at the sound of your words but it was only for a second before he was back up and on the defense. 

“I’m so annoyed with myself that I thought we could even attempt to get along,” you didn’t see it coming but as soon as it hit you, you felt it hard and heavy, “you’re a miserable fucking bitch that can’t play nice with anyone. I’m not sure why I even fucking tried.” 

It was enough. 

It was enough for you to put your hands up on both of his shoulders and shove him hard, sending him crashing into the wall behind him. 

It was enough for you to unleash hell on Matthew Tkachuk and scream the most hurtful things you could think of, not caring at all if the entire building heard it. 

He didn’t retaliate in any way, choosing to lean against the wall and take your cutting insults while giving you no response at all. Your voice was hoarse by the time you were done screaming at him as you shrank to the floor just outside your apartment and watched his back head toward the elevator without a word. 

++

Awkward, weird, uncomfortable.

Those words were the only way to describe the following morning as you sat directly in front of Matthew, doing a health check after he received a hard hit to the head in the last game.

“Are you feeling any dizziness?”

“No.”

“Any lightheadedness?”

“No.”

“Anything just generally weird or out of place?” 

“Hm,” he chuckled slightly, “yes.”

“Tell me how you’re feeling.” 

“I’m kind of exhausted, actually, but it doesn’t have anything do with my hit. I invited Ashley over last night and, holy fuck, she is incredible in bed. Like, really fucking good, so tight and ready for me.”

“This has nothing to do with your head injury.”

“You asked me if I was feeling off, I responded honestly.”

“This is inappropriate.”

“Is it? I’ve talked to other staffers about my off the ice situations before.”

He was trying to get a rise out of you and, so far, it was working. Your hands were sweating and you were irritated by his stupid smile and his comments about sleeping with someone pissed you off. 

At that point, you didn’t care what happened to you.

“I say that because I feel like I can’t give you adequate advice about your bedroom activity. I have no doubt you enjoyed your evening with Ashley, but as a woman, I can’t pretend to know how she felt after your night of bliss but I can guess.”

You leaned over the table, your chin resting in your palms as you gave him your best look of innocence, “she wasted her time with someone who claimed they could deliver and she definitely didn’t cum.”

His entire face went fire engine red to match his hair and you politely excused yourself from the room. 

Matthew Tkachuk was not going to make a fool out of you and get away with it. 

Determined to take control of your strange situation with Matthew, you opened Instagram and sent a direct message you never thought you’d send, to Brady Tkachuk.

He was recently single, so why not?

[babymetaldoll]

Danger Days - Chapter thirteen: "Screaming infidelities"

Word count: 15,4K

Summary: It's Gubler's birthday and like the title says, someone will fuck it up.

Warnings: Cheating, cursing, angst, hurt, pain, alcohol, mention of oral sex.

A/N: Kids, I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this, but... it's done. Please don't hate me.

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen | Chapter sixteen | Chapter seventeen | Chapter eighteen | Chapter nineteen | Chapter twenty | Chapter twenty one | Chapter twenty-two | Chapter twenty-three | Chapter twenty-four |

---

::: Paris, March 1st, 2011 :::

Joey stared at the ceiling of her room and sighed. She was alone. It was already midnight. She was happy she finally had a room on her own, after weeks traveling on a bus with the band. They were in Paris, and she was weary. But still, she couldn’t sleep. She stared at her phone and sighed. Matthew had said “I’ll call you back” an hour ago, and still, he hadn’t called her back. That was killing her.

She hadn’t seen her fiancé in over a month, and they were both in different time zones, which made it pretty hard to talk. She was nine hours ahead. At the moment, she was fighting to stay awake to talk to him, but he wasn’t calling her. Would it be wrong if she insisted? Matthew was working… maybe Joey should just sleep. She was weary after all, too much traveling, too many shows. That tour was fucking eternal, and she just wanted to go home.

The young woman walked to her bag, grabbed one of Matthew’s shirts, and put it on a pillow. Yes, she dressed a pillow in her boyfriend’s clothes. That’s how much she missed him. She could deal with loneliness ‘cos she was used to being alone. Still, somehow, she couldn’t deal with the loneliness that meant being far from Matthew.

- "It’s a good thing I decided to marry him then"- she said to herself as she stared at the ring on her finger.

A big part of her wanted to time travel and tell four-year-old Joey everything would be ok, that she was going to be happy after all. That she was going to manage to trust not one but two people. Her soon-to-be husband and her best friend, Mikey Way. If there was something she could cherish from being on tour with My Chem for months now, it was calling Michael James her brother.

Joey wrapped her arms around “Mattpillow” and smelled his perfume on it. Maybe it was better to text him and tell him she was gonna call earlier; it was… three in Los Angeles. If she set the alarm at six in the morning, she could catch him around nine. Yeah, that was much better.

- “Call you later. I’ll sleep a little, love you! Take care!”- she texted him.

::: Barcelona, March 5th, 2011 :::

Mikey, Ray, and Joey walked outside the arena, searching for the best sangria they could find before the show. Joey’s mom had sent them on that quest, repeating over and over again there was no way they left Spain without having tasted it. And considering it was alcohol, they didn’t argue a lot with Mrs. Sigmundsson.

- "Dude, I’m so fucking tired"- Mikey whined as he finished his hundredth cup of coffee of the day.

- "I know, I need a break from touring"- Joey said and yawned- "I wanna go home."

- "Me too"- Ray added and looked at his phone- "I miss my wife."

- "Oh, shut up!"- Mikey argued right away- "I don’t wanna go over this conversation again, you have someone you love, and you miss them. I don’t miss home, I have no one, end of the story"- Joey and Ray looked at each other and raised an eyebrow.

- "Is your underwear too tight today, or are you just being a little bitch because you want to?"- Joey asked right away, Ray chuckled, but Mikey didn’t think it was funny.

- "Shut up, Bug."

- "Not in the mood to be nice, then."

- "Nop"- that last “p” sounded like the end of it. But that wasn’t going to stop Joey.

- "Sorry, we are…"- what stopped Joey was her cellphone. Her eyes shone like diamonds when she saw Matthew’s face at the other side of the screen, waking up.

- "Yami! Good morning!"

- "Akumu!!!"- Ray and Mikey looked at her and walked a little faster to give her some privacy.

- "Is she still sleeping with the “Mattpillow”?"- Toro asked- "That shit is creepy"- and Way laughed, finally, he had been pretty serious that day. And the day before.

- "Yeah, that’s a thing. I’ve taken pictures I wanna use to blackmail her in case I ever need it."

- "Good plan"- Ray looked around. Joey was standing half a block behind, still on the phone- "Mikey, are you ok?"

- "Yeah, why?"

- "‘Cos you don’t seem to be ok at all,"- Toro felt it was his duty as a friend to tell what had been in his mind for the last couple of weeks- "Dude I’m sorry, I just… don’t think you… it’s shitty you are getting a divorce. I just don’t think you are taking it well."

- "Can you take a divorce well?"- Mikey simply replied, and that was enough to shut Ray up.

- "I’m just trying to tell you I’m here if you want to talk, and you don’t have to get so drunk every time we are out or whatever."

- "Is this an intervention? ‘Cos we had many those for Gerard back in the days. I can recognize an intervention."

- "No, Mikey! It’s not. Everybody should be here reading letters if it was"- Ray had a point- "I’m just trying to tell you, I’m here for you, man. And we can talk about anything."

- "I know, Ray… I just… don’t feel..."

- "You don’t feel like talking, I know, you haven’t talked about it, ever I guess… and I don’t feel that’s working for you. I’m scared and worried, and I’m your friend, I had to tell you."

Way and Toro stared at each other in silence for a few seconds. Mikey knew Ray was right; he had shut down from all his friends, basically for the last three months or so. Still, he didn’t feel ready to share any kind of thought or feeling with any of them.

- "Ok kids, around the block, there’s a place called “Las tapas de Pepe.” Apparently, they have a killer sangria"- Joey clapped and walked past them on her way to the bar.

- "Wait, how do you know that?"

- "Because, Raúl me enseñó muchas cosas nuevas, (Raul taught me a lot of new things)"- the two musicians looked at her frowning not getting a word, so the girl turned to them and smiled- "That guy over there, his name is Raúl. I asked for sangria, he gave me an address. Come on!"

Joey turned around again, avoiding looking sad in front of her friends. The truth was, she wasn’t doing that well about being far from Matthew. It was getting too hard. She was thinking about quitting. And every time she talked to him, she was feeling more sure about that decision. She never told him, though. She didn’t want to make him feel responsible in case she made a mistake leaving the job. She also didn’t want him to know how much influence he had on her, Joey didn’t want to lose power in his life, she didn’t want to stop being independent, but it was hard.

::: Germany, March 8th, 2011 :::

Mikey was sugar rushed, jumping around the bunks as the bus traveled from Zurich to Munich. He and Joey had bought most of the chocolates in Switzerland and ate half of them in less than two hours. They were in heaven. Sugar heaven.

- "Can you please stop it?"- Gerard yelled at them from his bunk.

- "Nope"- his younger brother answered and jumped like a kid on top of him.

- "Leave me alone! I wanna sleep!"

- "Fine. Come on, Bug, let’s get away from this loser"- his words were so childish Joey burst out laughing.

- "Get in, loser, we are going shopping"- Joey said and flipped her hair. Gerard stared at her walking away with his brother, and groaned as he covered his head with the pillow.

He was fucked.

The last month had been torture for him. Joey was now not even talking to him. Never. It felt she honestly hated him, and he knew he couldn’t ask. Lynz kept asking for her, and he was sure she suspected something was going on.

- "So, have you and the guys have fun these days?"- she had asked earlier that day when he called her before the show.

- "Fun like going out fun? No, we are too tired to move. These weeks have been killers."

- "So you are all just at the bus locked the whole time?"

- "Pretty much"

- "On each other’s faces?"

- "Yeah… I wanna kill Mikey."

- "And how’s Joey doing?"

- "Good… we haven’t talked much."

- "She hadn’t talked to you or you hadn’t?"- the singer made a pause thinking about that question, and most of all thinking what would be an intelligent answer to that.

- "We don’t share a lot"- that all he had- "I guess we don’t talk to each other"- he made a pause and lit a cigarette, walking on his own through the backstage- "Why do you ask?"

- "I don’t know, I guess you never talk about her, and I thought it might be because you have…"- Lynz made a pause to make her husband even more nervous- "A problem with her or something."

- "No, we don’t have a problem, we aren’t friends, that’s all…"

Now on the bus, Gerard closed his eyes, still hiding under the pillow, Joey’s laughter all around him, while Frank and Ray played video games. What was he going to do?

::: At the bus, close to Munich. March 9th, 2011 :::

It was Matthew’s birthday, and Joey was miserable ‘cos she couldn’t spend the day with him. But still, she set her alarm at eight am and locked herself in the back of the bus, texting him. She wanted to be the first one to sing happy birthday to him. And so she waited, looking at the clock.

She went through old pictures to kill time, watched part of a movie Mikey had left on the DVD the night before. Matthew didn’t reply to her text. And so she waited longer. Joey wanted to call him at midnight. She was nine hours ahead. Minute by minute, she waited. Until it was time. She smiled and dialed. Nothing. Again. Nothing.

- "Where the fuck are you?"- her stomach was made a knot as her brows furrowed. Third call. Matthew finally picked up the FaceTime call.

- "Yami!!!"- he yelled, wasted- "It’s a party!"- he pointed around and moved the camera of his phone like a maniac, making Joey dizzy right away. No wonder why he wasn’t picking up.

- "Happy birthday, Akumu!"

- "Hey! Hey!"- he tried to walk through a lot of people as Joey frowned, wondering where the hell her fiancée was.

- "Wild party!"- she said as soon as she noticed Gubler had locked himself in a bathroom to talk.

- "Yeah! The guys set a little surprise party for me"- he slurred and smiled- "I love you."

- "I love you too."

- "No, I love you more. Why aren’t you here?"

- "‘Cos I’m working, but I’ll be home in two weeks, so wait for me."

- "I want you here now."

- "I wish I was there."

- "Then quit"- Joey sighed. Arguing was useless; Matthew was drunk.

- "Hey! Akumu, is Paget there? Is she gonna drive you home?"

- "No, she’s not here."

- "You are not partying with your friends?"

- "Yeah, with the guys from the movie"- Joey raised an eyebrow, thinking she had no idea where Matthew was or with who.

- "Are you sure you are ok?"

- "Yeah, baby! It’s my birthday, we are gonna party like it’s my birthday!"- Joey’s heart ached at the thought of what could go wrong. But she loved and trusted her boyfriend, and she knew he would never hurt her.

- "Hey Matthew"- she said and looked straight into his eyes through the camera- "I love you."

- "I love you too."

- "I’ve got your heart here with me all the time"- she showed him her necklace, and he nodded- "There’s gonna be a present from me waiting for you when you get home."

- "Nice!"- Joey smiled, thinking it was probably Matthew wasn’t going to remember that conversation- "Listen, Yami, someone is trying to get into the bathroom."

- "That’s ok, I’ll call you later, ok dorky?"- he nodded and waved, the girl kissed the screen, but he had already hung down.

Joey hated being in Germany at the moment.

Could Gubler be an asshole and cheat? No way, Joey trusted him with her eyes wide shut. But he was hot and drunk, and she was sure there were more than just a couple of girls trying to get into his pants. If the guys were there- his friends- she wouldn’t even worry about it. But they weren’t. He was with some random people from the set she hadn’t even met.

Soon the regret of their last fight came to mind. They weren’t mad at each other, but perhaps… no, there’s no way he would be an asshole because of that stupid fight. It was a silly fight for her. Was it serious for him?

A few nights before, Matthew had gotten mad at a conversation with Joey ‘cos she didn’t want to change her last name. That’s what he picked from the conversation. She just said she didn’t think it was necessary to do so. He didn’t take it that well.

- "What’s the problem with changing your name?"

- "I’m just saying the tradition of women changing their last names after they marry it’s a bit old fashion. It makes me think women are still treated like an object that “belongs” to a man."

- "So you won’t change your last name?"- the girl frowned, staring at Matthew’s wide-opened eyes on the screen.

- "That’s not… do you want me to change it?"

- "Yes! of course, I do! you are gonna be my wife!"

- "So? If I’m still Joey Sveinbjörndottir after we marry, I won’t be your wife?"

- "That’s not what I meant"- Gubler was more frustrated than he had felt in months over any conversation they had ever had. This time, it was serious.

- "Then what is it?"

- "I’m just saying you should change your last name ‘cos we will be married, and I’d love for you to be Mrs. Gubler."

- "I will be your wife, isn’t that enough?"

- "Why do you always have to be so fucking independent?"- Matthew just yelled- "Can you just try to understand I want you to be mine? My wife! And I want everybody to know it!"

- "So you wanna put me on display?"

- "No!! Fuck no!!"- Matthew was tired and defeated. It seemed that stupid argument was more about a bunch of little things that had grown inside his head instead of just about the last name.

- "Why can’t I be independent? Is that a bad thing?"

- "No! It’s a good thing! I just... "- Matthew bit his tongue and sighed, trying to rearrange the thoughts in his head. He needed to make sure whatever he was going to say would explain his feelings clearly.

- "You just?"- Joey asked, standing in the middle of the hotel room she was staying at that night. She just stared at the wall, thinking she had no idea what had gotten into her boyfriend’s head.

- "I just don’t feel you need me sometimes."

- "What? Are you crazy?"

- "No, that’s what I feel. Are you gonna blame me for feeling?"

- "Well, you are being silly!"

Joey was real angry at him at the moment. Everything he had said hurt her. It seemed he had insulted all the kindness and love she had given him when it was very hard for her to show her feelings and let someone into her heart.

- "What is it that you want from me, Matthew? Do you want me to be needy and clingy? ‘Cos you know that’s not who I am!"

- "I know that! I just sometimes… it feels like you’d be great without me."

- "What?"

- "Like you don’t…"- but the girl didn’t let him continue.

- "Don’t say you feel I don’t love you!"

- "I know you love me."

- "Then?"

- "You don’t depend on me the way I depend on you"- the drummer was in shock at those words. Did he depend on her?- "You leave me here, you tour the world, you are happy, I’m here, I miss you. Every time we talk, you are shining… meanwhile, I am here, dying, waiting to be with you!"

- "First of all, you could come!"

- "I’m working too!"- but Joey cut him off and continued.

- "Second, who says I don’t miss you? Just because I’m not crying when we talk doesn’t mean I am not miserable! Matthew! What the fuck are you saying? I fucking love you with my whole life! I hate being here when I could be there with you at this very same minute doing anything together, even when that anything is staring at the wall! But I have to work, and I happen to love my job, the same way you love yours! You can’t blame me for not quitting!"

Joey bit her lips as she stared at Matthew at the other side of the screen. She was making her best not to cry. She had never been so mad at her fiancé before.

- "I just…"- he tried to continue, but his voice broke- "I feel like I’m going insane here without you"- tears fell from his eyes as Joey wiped off hers from her cheeks.

- "Matthew, I miss you too! Fuck! I’m going crazy, just like you! I want to be there. I wanna kiss you! I wanna make love to you! But… you can’t ask me to be someone I’m not! Can’t you just be happy your girlfriend loves you, misses you, and will marry you as soon as she finishes touring?"

Gubler sighed and stared at her.

- "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, Matthew Gray Gubler. I don’t care about the last name. I don’t care about anything as long as you are beside me."

The young man sighed and cut her a short smile.

- "How do you always end up making me feel like a dork for getting mad at you?"

- "‘Cos I’m gonna be your wife, that’s my job"- she chuckled, and they stared in silence for a few seconds.

- "I love you so much, Joey."

- "I love you more, Matthew Gray."

That had been days before. Was Matthew still upset at her because of that? No way. He didn’t sound mad at all. He was just drunk and happy to celebrate his birthday.

- "You are overthinking this ‘cos you are far from him"- the girl reassured herself out loud and looked at the screen again- “Love you dorky”- she typed and sent her boyfriend a message. That was something he couldn’t forget.

The girl stayed still looking at the TV in front of her for a few seconds, but the knot in her stomach was too tight, and the thoughts in her head were too scary. She felt sick, scared, anxious.

Joey was jealous, shit!

She ended up puking in the bus’s tiny bathroom, just like every time she felt seriously distressed.

- "Hey, are you ok?"- Gerard found her on the bathroom floor, flushing, pale, and a little weak.

- "Yeah…"

- "Are you sick?"

- "No, I just… I’m ok."

- "Sure?"

- "Yeah, I just need an herbal tea. I felt dizzy all of a sudden"- she held the hand he offered her and stood up.

- "I’ll put on the kettle"- Joey stumbled a little as she walked with Gerard to the front of the bus.

- "Hey Bug"- she heard Mikey’s voice as he opened the curtain of his bunk. She slowly moved over and sat next to him- "Did you talk to Matthew?"

- "Yeah, he was wasted"- and Mikey chuckled.

- "That’s my boy."

- "I didn’t like it."

- "Come on, he is a good kid. He will probably drink his liver away and then go to bed, have a killer hangover, and talk to you until either of you falls asleep like he always does."

Mikey reassured her, and the girl chuckled, nodding. Her friend was right. She was still dizzy, though, so she carefully laid down next to him and felt his arms around her slowly.

- "Bug, you are freezing."

- "I’m ok. Gerard is making me an herbal tea… I should do it, actually; he ain’t my nanny"- the girl tried to stand up, but Mikey held her.

- "You should get into your bunk for another while. You might be getting the flu."

- "I’m ok, trust me"- she finally stood up and smiled at her friend.

- "Here, take my hoodie."

- "Thanks… it stinks."

- "But it’s warm, does the trick"- she smiled and put it on. Gerard had just left the cup of tea on the table. She walked over slowly and cut him a smile. An honest and nice smile.

- "Thank you, Gerard."

- "You can call me Gee, you know"- she nodded and sat down by the table.

Gerard sat in front of her, sipping his fresh cup of coffee. The two of them were quiet. Joey was thinking about Gubler. What was he doing at that very exact moment? Why wasn’t she there? How would it have been if they were together? They would probably be naked in his bed. And that would be great. It would be way much better than what she was doing at the moment, sitting on a bus staring at the window.

- "Are you sure you are alright?"- he whispered, and she nodded again- "Do you wanna go back to bed? I mean bunk."

- "No, I’m fine here… besides, we should be getting ready…"- she stayed quiet and looked outside- "Where are we?"

- "Munich"

- "Great… we had a hotel room here, right?"

- "Yeah"

- "Finally!!!"- she raised her arms, and he chuckled- "I need a real bed."

- "Me too."

- "And a long fucking bath"- he nodded and looked into her eyes. They were stuck in the cup of tea again.

- "We’ve got the Valencia gig in a couple of days."

- "Right! The MTV streamed no stressful at all show in Spain"- he chuckled and nodded.

- "Nervous?"

- "Not really"- she lied, the fact MTV was going to stream the show was freaking her out, but at the moment, she didn’t care that much. Her head was back in Los Angeles. Her phone hummed, and she quickly grabbed it. “I love you too,” Matthew had written, and a deep sigh came from her lips. Gerard was going to ask something, but not a word came from his lips. Instead, Jeff - their tour manager - opened the door and smiled.

- "I got you an early check-in at the hotel."

And those words were music for Joey’s ears.

That day was hell for the girl. The good thing was the band didn’t have anything to do but play the show, which meant: movies with Mikey and Frank, the best way to keep her head busy from thinking the worst.

- "I’m bored"- Frank whispered as he played with Joey’s hair, who was laid next to him.

- "We have to leave for the show in a while"- Mikey whispered, half awake, half asleep.

- "Great"- the girl murmured, eyes glued at the screen- "I’m hungry."

- "You just ate."

- "I’m bored. Boredom makes me hungry."

- "Come on, let’s get something to eat"- Frank grabbed Joey’s hand and stood up- "I need to move from this bed, or I’m gonna die of boredom."

- "Can you bring me some ice cream?"- Mikey asked from the bed as Joey and Frank put on their shoes.

- "Nope, if you want something, you gotta come with us"- the girl smiled at her friend, who didn’t move.

- "Damn it! Fine… I won’t have ice cream."

- "Good for you, see ya!"

Gerard was just done jerking off in his bed. He wasn’t happy about it, but he didn’t have much to do. He had tried to make music, but shit wasn’t working. He had thought about calling his wife, but it was five in the morning in Los Angeles. He was miserable. He wanted to find a way to end his agony. But all he could think about was Joey walking around the bus in her pajamas. Joey sleeping in the back of the bus in those shorts and a tank top. Joey curled on a couch reading Edgar Allan Poe. His cock was killing him, and his hand hadn’t been enough. He wanted her so bad it hurt, and masturbation just wasn’t enough anymore.

He wanted to tell her that he loved her. That he was willing to make her happy. But he knew he couldn’t do either of those things.

- “Come live with me and my wife, ‘cos polygamy ain’t illegal or whatever.”

The singer sighed and looked at the ceiling, toilet paper all over his hand, cleaning the mess he had left.

- "You have issues, dude"- Gerard said out loud and closed his eyes. Honestly, there was nothing he could do but to love the girl from a safe distance and hope for his feelings to fade as soon as the tour was over.

Way didn’t want that tour to end because he didn’t want to be apart from Joey. In fact, Gerard was starting to feel obsessed. He hated it, but still, he didn’t know how to stop.

Frank kept laughing like a kid as he and Joey sat at the hotel’s roof deck. He was drinking a beer and smoking while she finished her second ice cream.

- "Mikey Fucking Way"- she argued, frowning- "Because of him, I can’t stop thinking about getting ice cream."

- "You are so fucking high in sugar"- Frank added and grinned.

- "I know! It’s gonna be hell when I get my sugar hangover."

- "I can kiss your temples if that helps"- he answered and winked at her. The girl smiled and raised an eyebrow.

- "Why are you such a flirt with me, Frank Anthony?"

- "I am not a flirt!"- he answered, nearly insulted, but still chuckled after a few seconds as his friend stared at him right into the eyes.

- "Come on! We’ve been friends for a long while now. You are always such a flirt with me. Are you like this with all the girls?"

- "Define like this"- he answered with a lower voice and made his best to look as hot as fuck.

- "Just what you did, you are adorable and hot and cute and all innocent. Why are you like that?"

- "Why? You don’t like it?"

- "I love it, it’s so fucking funny and cute, like you. But sometimes it makes me wonder if you are like that with all the girls…"

- "Why?"

- "’Cause I know you are just my friend, and you can be as flirty as you want; I know it’s a game. But what if you do this with someone who doesn’t get it as I do… then what?"- Frank stayed quiet, looking at his friend. Then took a long drag from his cigarette.

- "What if I’m just a flirt with you?"

- "I surely doubt it"- Joey quickly answered, laughing- "I’ve seen you flirt with basically 99% of the girls we’ve met this tour. You just don’t notice it."

- "I haven’t!"

- "You do, Frank, that’s why I know you are harmless"- that frustrated the guitarist, though he knew he wasn’t going to get any with her anyway. She was his friend; he loved his wife. He just thought Joey was hot.

- "Tell you what, I like flirting with you ‘cos you are cute, and you don’t get nervous"- Iero simply confessed.

- "Of course, I don’t! You are my friend, and this is like…"

- "The nature of our friendship?"

- "You just read my mind, Jersey"- the two of them stayed quiet and smiled.

- "I would hit on you if I wasn’t married, though"- Joey burst out laughing at those words, but Frank just smiled- "I mean it."

- "I know."

- "If I wasn’t… and I did… do you think I’d stand a chance?"- the girl blushed and finished her ice cream.

- "I’d say you would if Gub wasn’t in the picture, of course. We could have gone out on a couple of dates, have fun."

- "And fuck like bunnies"- Frank added, and Joey hit his arm.

- "Dude, you are my friend. Friends don’t fuck."

- "What? So friends make love? besides, we are talking about an alternative universe that will never happen!"

- "Shut up!! You are gross!!"- Joey covered her face with both hands as she shook her head- "You are so fucking funny Jersey, I’m glad I met you."

- "I’m glad I met you too, Iceland. You should stay forever"- she smiled and nodded.

- "I’m not going anywhere today."

- "I mean, you should sign to be a member of the band, like… one of us."

- "One of the guys?"

- "Yeah"- she smiled and held his hand.

- "You are taking this relationship too fast. We’ve been together a few months. We haven’t even moved in together. I don’t think we are quite there yet."

- "You live on my fucking face, Iceland"- Frank laughed and pushed her- "Which reminds me, you have to do your fucking laundry."

- "Yeah… I swear I’ll do it in Spain, while you do all the press and I have the hotel all by myself."

- "You know, sometimes I hate you for that."

- "For not having to do any interviews?"

- "Yeah… I hate those things."

- "Why? 'cos you have to sit in front of a microphone for hours answering the same fucking questions, over and over again?"- she said, smiling.

- "Fuck you."

- "I’m sorry!!"- she laughed, and he grinned- "I bet press sucks, but it comes hand in hand with being a rockstar."

- "I hate that too"- he said and scratched his head, stubbing his cigar in an ashtray- "I just wanted to make music. I don’t know where everything else came from. Sometimes I wish I could stop it all and go home, be with my babies, with my wife."

Frank suddenly had gotten too serious and too deep, something Joey knew was like the comet Halley: it happened once in a lifetime around her.

- "Why don’t you stop?"- she innocently asked, mostly ‘cos she had thought about stopping herself.

- "I don’t know, it’s like… you somehow got trapped in this machine, and it won’t stop working, and if you take a step back, it all collapses…-" he looked at his hands as he spoke, but Joey held them and smiled.

- "I don’t think anything is gonna collapse if you stop doing tour after tour for a while"- she whispered- "There are more important things in life than concerts, you know."

- "Name one"- he said and looked into her eyes.

- "Your kids"

- "Nailed it"- and Joey burst out laughing- "It was too easy!"

- "Exactly, nothing is more important than the ones we love, so shut the fuck up and man up! ask for a break every once in a while, ‘cos this leg of the tour, I must say, has been misery for all of us."

- "I know!"- Frank gesticulated in the most Jersey Italian way that always made Joey laugh- "It’s been hell!"

- "The only good thing of it all, other than the money, I mean"- she said and chuckled- "It’s the fact I can call you my friend."

- "Awww, Iceland. You could have called me your friend from day one, even when I hated the guts out of you."

- "Why did you hate me, by the way?"

- "‘Cos I wanted to do you so bad I didn’t want you in the band"- Frank simply answered, and the drummer raised an eyebrow.

- "Are you joking?"- by her face, Iero could tell the comment hadn’t been the best he had done.

- "Of course, I am!!"- no, he wasn’t- "I just didn’t want to make a circus out of the fact you are a girl. I knew people would start making up stories, and Jamia would be nervous and jealous because of you… having a woman in the band back then meant a mess I didn’t want to deal with."

- "And why did you change your mind?"

- "Mikey forced me"- Joey nodded, and Frank smiled- "And Jamia was really into you from day one. She loved the idea of adding a girl into the tour ‘cos there weren’t enough women in rock… but mostly ‘cos I told her your boyfriend was the hot guy from Criminal Minds, and I swear, she nearly yelled. She wanted me to friend you so she could meet him."

- "I’m in this band ‘cos your wife thinks my soon to be husband is hot?"- and Frank nodded- "I owe Jamia more than I thought I would. Maybe I can send her a picture of Matthew naked"- Frank raised an eyebrow as Joey smiled- "You know she is gonna love those."

- "But he is so tall… he is gonna make me look bad"- he joked, and Joey laughed like she hadn’t laugh that whole day.

- "Of course, he is. But in your defense… he could make every single fucking man on earth look bad. Have you seen his feet?"

- "Joey!! Shut up!!!"

Matthew woke up on his bed, his head killing him and a complete blur of what his night had been. He just sat and scratched his head.

- “What time is it?... wait, how did I get home?... fuck!! What happened last night?!”

The young actor nearly jumped as he started to recap his birthday party. The cast from the movie had arranged a party in a local bar, he was really happy about it, though he almost declined it. He was tired, but his co-star convinced him it was a great idea to go out, get to know everybody a little better, and start his birthday celebration.

- "Oh fuck"- he grunted- "My fucking head is killing me…"- he reached out for his phone and found it on his nightstand. He had a few unread messages from Joey

- “I love you Akumu!”- he smiled right away- “Remember to leave a bottle of water by your bed to keep you hydrated”- and he had indeed left one there- “Save some birthday belated celebration for my comeback in a few days.”

- "Honey!"- his mother’s voice took him from his head as he looked at his bedroom’s door

- "Mom! What are you doing here?"

- "Happy birthday, honey!!"- he stood up and walked over to hug her immediately.

- "Mom! Thank you so much for coming!"

- "I had to come, I have to give you something"- the actor frowned- "This came into the mail for you a few weeks ago, but I had to wait until today to give it to you"

Mrs. Gubler smiled as she gave her son a box. It was completely hand-drawn with jako lanterns, cute skulls, ghosts, and hearts.

- "What is this?"

- "A present that you got from very far away, or so it seems."

Matthew grabbed the box and sat on his bed to open it. Inside, there was a letter from his fiancé, a couple of gorgeous kimonos, Japanese books, art, a few Halloween shirts, and unmatching socks. Matthew was speechless, staring at the box. It was amazing.

- "I can’t believe this"

- "Joey sent it when she reached London, and we agreed I would bring it to you today."

- "Thank you"- he moved over and gave her a hug.

- "Don’t thank me for coming over on your birthday, honey. I love you, thank the girl at the other side of the world who gathered everything you might love and shipped it to you on your special day"- she kissed his cheeks and stood up-" I’m gonna make you breakfast, and you are gonna take a shower ‘cos you stick, are you still drunk?"

- "No mom"

- "Then call your wife! And thank her for the presents!"

- "Yes, mom!"

Matthew grabbed his phone, smiling, and dialed Joey’s number. It rang once. It rang twice. He was about to give up and try later when the girl picked up and smiled at the other side of the screen.

- "Birthday boy!"

- "Baby! You are amazing!"- he quickly said and laid back on his bed- "I just got my presents."

- "Did your mom give you the box?! did you like it?"

- "Hell yeah! It’s amazing, thank you"

- "Did you like the kimonos?"

- "They are the softest!"

- "I know!! I was in shock! You can hang them in the kimono closet!! So when you get home, you can get naked, grab a kimono and just relax!"

- "Are you gonna be naked under your kimono too?"- the girl giggled nervously.

- "That’s very likely"

- "I like that idea. Where are you?"

- "Backstage warming up, we are playing at eight… did you just wake up?"

- "Yeah…"- he whispered and closed his eyes.

- "You were fucking wasted last night."

- "I thought you didn’t notice"- he answered, chuckling, still feeling uneasy about his wild night out. It felt off. Probably ‘cos he was way too hungover.

- "Matthew Gray Gubler, I’m gonna be your wife. I know when you are drunk, you can’t fool me even if you tried your best"- the actor laughed softly (laughing also hurt) and nodded at Joey- "Wait, the guys wanna say hello."

Matthew saw Mikey, Frank, and Ray appear and waved at the camera.

- "Happy birthday, dude!"- Ray said smiling- "How’s the hangover?"

- "Killing me!"

- "Save some liver for our party, man!"- Mikey said and waved too

- "Hope you have a great day!"- Frank added.

- "Thanks, guys!"- Matthew said and waved, yet his eyes were glued at Joey, who kept looking at him with a warm smile.

- "Where’s Gerard?"- Mikey asked and looked around. Gerard. Gubler frowned immediately. He hated him deeply, and he hated the fact Joey worked with him.

- "He was smoking outside"- Frank answered and waved again at the screen- "See you, Gubler!"

- "Bye guys!"- the band walked away, and Joey was now again all alone- "Hey, gorgeous"

- "Hey, wild party beast. What are you doing for the rest of your birthday?"

- "I’m not leaving this bed"- Joey laughed and looked at him in silence for a couple of minutes.

- "I’m gonna be in that bed with you in twelve days, can you believe that?"

- "I’ve waited so long it seems to be an eternity, but at the same time, it feels like it’s gonna be tomorrow."

- "I know exactly how you feel."

- "Honey! breakfast!"- Matthew’s mother yelled from the kitchen, making the young man laugh.

- "I am ten years old again, or was that just a strong flashback?"

- "Go eat, I’ll play a show, and I’ll call you from the hotel, ok?"- he nodded and smiled.

- "I love you so much, Yami."

- "I love you more, Matthew Gray “birthday boy” Gubler. Talk to you in a couple of hours."

The actor hung down and sighed. He felt happy to know he had her in his life. That she was gonna be his wife. As he thought about it, he started going through some of the pictures from the night before. He remembered half of it, but it felt like he had fun.

- "Fuck!!"- he shouted and wide opened his eyes.

Maybe a little too much fun.

Matthew stared at the screen in shock. There was a picture of him kissing two girls at the same time. Two. Girls. Kissing. Him. At. The. Same. Fucking. Time. And it didn’t help when he noticed, one of those girls was his ex-girlfriend.

- "Shit! Shit! Shit!"- he kept going through the party pictures, shots, laughter, his ex kissing him while they danced. Bunch of people, more people laughing, his ex and her friend kissing him again.

- "Fucking shit! What the fuck did I do?!"

Matthew’s heart was about to come out of his throat as he started deleting every single photo from his phone. Why were those there? Why did he do that? Who saw him? Where were those pictures now?

- "What the fuck did you do, mother fucker?! What else did you do?!"

Matthew couldn’t move. He just sat with the phone in his hands, thinking if he erased those pictures from his phone, it was like it never happened. But now it was in his mind, and he couldn’t stop the memories from coming back.

He was drunk and sad after talking with Joey. He had another shot and decided to go home, but his ex-girlfriend and one of her friends- part of the team of the movie he was filming- appeared and invited him to dance. Drunk Matthew didn’t seem to think it was a bad idea and joined them on the dancefloor. They danced, the girls started kissing. Gubler liked it and didn’t move away when they moved closer to him and started kissing with him too.

- "Oh fuck!!"- he wanted to kill himself.

But that wasn’t all. He wished it was, but it was all coming back now. His ex took him to the backroom.

- "No!"- Matthew yelled, widening his eyes- "No!"- he repeated, as his mother appeared running into his room.

- "Honey! What is it?! What happened?"

- "I fucked it up!"- he simply answered and didn’t move an inch

- "What are you talking about?"

- "Last night at the party… I ran into Annie, and she was with a friend and…"- the actor made a pause and scratched his head aggressively

- "Matthew?"

- "And they kissed me happy birthday…"

- "Matthew?"

- "And then… mom sorry, I can’t tell you this"- the young man tried to stand up, but his mother stopped him.

- "Matthew Gray Gubler, what did you do last night?"

- "I made out with them, and Annie gave me a blowjob"- he covered his face with both hands, embarrassed and regretful. He felt sick, dirty, gross. He felt like an animal, like everything he had always hated, like a man who cheated.

He cheated. And he wasn’t going to be able to undo it or even forget it.

Matthew broke into tears quietly at first, but his sobbing grew bigger, sadder, and more desperate. He hated himself, he needed to find a way to forget about what had happened, but he couldn’t. Instead, the memories kept coming; Annie kneeled in front of him.

- "Mom… I fucked it up."

- "Yes"- she simply replied- "You did, and Joey is gonna find out, no matter if you don’t tell her."

- "How do you know? Maybe no one saw us"- the actor was in denial and desperate to find anything that could keep him from dealing with the truth- I might have just dreamt the whole thing, maybe it never happened

- "Matthew?"

- "Maybe I can forget about it. If I don’t remember it, then it never happened."

- "Matthew"

- "Mom, I can’t tell her!"- he nearly shouted, nervous and grossed out by himself.

- "I didn’t raise a liar or a cheater"- the young man looked at his mother with watered-up eyes.

- "How am I supposed to tell her something like this? she is gonna hate me! She is gonna break up with me, mom. I know her."

- "You have to take responsibility for the things you’ve done, Matthew. You said you wanted to marry her. You can’t start that commitment with a lie."

- "She is gonna hate me… fuck, I hate me…"

- "Well, you brought it to yourself, Matthew Gray, so you have to fix it."

Gubler took a long shower and cried half of it. He couldn’t believe what he had gotten into. Or why. What had gotten into him to get so drunk ‘till the point of letting his ex-girlfriend give him a blow job? That wasn’t him. He remembered he felt bad after talking with Joey. He knew he couldn’t stop thinking she was touring with Gerard and hated him. What if he had tried to make his move on her? What if she fell for him? She wouldn’t. But what if she did? They had been apart for so long. No, he trusted her with his life. She would never do such a thing.

Then why had he done it?

Matthew honestly wanted to kill himself. That’s how guilty he felt. He knew Joey was never going to forgive him, and he was considering not ever telling her. She was never going to find out if he didn’t confess. Maybe he could take it to the grave.

Mikey hugged Joey goodnight and watched her walk to her room. Gerard looked at them from the other side of the hallway. The girl waved at him, and he waved back.

- "Hey! What are you doing?"- Mikey asked his brother as he lazily walked over him, weary after the show.

- "I just wanted to know if you wanna hang out. James and Frank are locked in their rooms already. Maybe we can watch a movie or something. I don’t feel like being on my own for a while"- Mikey nodded at Gerard.

- "Sure, man. Let me take a shower, and I’ll be right there."

Originally, Gerard wanted to drag Joey along with his brother, ‘cos it seemed like the only way to hang out with her. But she had disappeared way too fast to make his move.

The girl took a shower, put on her pajamas, and dialed Matthew���s number. He didn’t reply.

- "Hangover man has to be hanging out with his mom"- the girl thought out loud and grabbed a book to kill time. He was going to call when he was ready to talk.

Was he?

Matthew saw his cell phone right and froze. His hands shook when he reached out to answer, and that’s when he realized he couldn’t. He wasn’t going to be able to lie to her. But he couldn’t tell her either. He was home alone. His mom was out, mainly to give him space to think and talk with Joey in private. But yet, Matthew didn’t know what to do or what to say.

- "Ok, she is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you are willing to do everything that’s in your power to keep her by your side"- he said and looked at his reflex in the mirror and then washed his face.

- "Akumu!"- Joey smiled as soon as he saw him- "How was breakfast?"

- "Chocolate chips hotcakes with a whipped cream smile on top, and lots of coffee."

- "Spoiled by your mother on your birthday, lucky man"- he smiled and felt a knot in his throat.

- “Fuck! this is going to be so hard!” And how was the show?"

- "It was good, not the finest though… we are all so fucking tired"- the girl laid on her bed and smiled at her boyfriend- "When I get home, I’m not leaving that bed Matthew Gray Gubler, I’m gonna spend every second there... sleeping."

- "I’m not planning on sleeping if you are in this bed"- he answered and felt his voice shake at the end of the sentence, guilt taking over him.

- "You are gonna have to let me sleep at least a day. I’m so fucking tired and jet-lagged all the time. This tour ruined my sleeping schedule"- Joey joked but frowned as she noticed her boyfriend had tears falling from his eyes- "Akumu, what is it? Are you ok? Why are you crying?"

- "‘Cos I miss you"- he simply answered- "I miss you so fucking much! Can we just get married when you get here? I’ll pick you up at the airport, drive us to the nearest church, and we just get married right away"- the girl sighed with watered-up eyes herself as she stared at Gubler sobbing.

- "I miss you too… and I can’t wait to marry you either."

- "Can you promise me you’ll always be with me? No matter what?"

- "Matthew, I swear I’ll always be by your side"- the girl felt broken-hearted by the emotion in her fiancé’s words. She had never seen him so sad before, was it because she wasn’t there on his birthday?- "That is the main reason why I wanna marry you dorky, ‘cos I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, in one eternal Halloween"- Matthew smiled at those words and wiped off his tears.

- "Sorry, I’m just a little emotional… ‘cos I miss you, and I need you here."

- "I’m sorry I couldn’t be there."

- "No, Yami, don’t be sorry. You are working! And you are so awesome and incredible. I swear I don’t deserve you."

Matthew kept trying to stop crying, but it was harder than he thought. He was feeling so guilty, so low, the worst human on earth. And the girl on the other side of the world was just telling him she thought he was the best man amongst them all.

- "Yes, you do! You are an incredible man, hangover boy! I should be the one telling you how amazing you are, it’s your birthday! I want to make you feel happy all the time, please don’t be sad!"

- "I just need to see your face to be happy today"- he answered without hesitation and sighed- "You know what?"

- "What?"

- "I’m gonna tour with you."

- "What?"- Joey frowned and looked at how Matthew sat correctly on his bed and fixed his hair.

- "Yes, I will. I hate this. I hate being apart from you this long. So next couple of months, I’m gonna follow you wherever you go."

- "You’d do that for me?"- the girl widened her eyes

- "Joey, I would do anything for you"- Matthew made sure to pronounce every word as slowly as possible as he looked at her eyes- "So I’ll schedule plane tickets to be with you."

- "And your work?"

- "You are more important than my job. I can’t be like this anymore, we are gonna finish the movie in two weeks, and after that, my only job will be to clap after every song you play"- Joey smiled, feeling her heart swell with love, as a few more tears fell from her eyes.

- "You are making me so happy."

- "My plans for as long as I live exactly."

Mikey and Gerard were laid watching tv. Mikey kept surfing channels while Gerard sipped his diet coke and scrolled down his Twitter timeline. Neither of them felt like talking, pretty much ‘cos they were tired, and after being so many weeks stuck together, there wasn’t much new to say.

- "Weird!"- Mikey chuckled as they caught a Criminal Minds episode and Matthew as Spencer Reid appeared on screen- "I never thought I’d friend this guy."

- "Why did you do that? he is an asshole"- Gerard simply answered and kept his eyes stuck on the phone.

- "He’s not an asshole. He is hilarious. You’d like him if you met him."

- "Not interested"- Mikey frowned and kept surfing channels- "Wow, I thought you were going to watch your boyfriend’s show."

- "Wow, very mature, Gerard."

- "Sorry"- the singer knew he had crossed the line, mostly ‘cos he shouldn’t show how much he hated Matthew because…

- "Why do you hate him so much?"- because Mikey could start asking questions, and he didn’t want to talk.

- "I don’t hate him. He is not my friend, which is very different."

- "And Joey is not your friend either"- Mikey added- "You never talk to her."

- "She never talks to me"- Gerard added, and his voice betrayed him, showing some bitterness in his words.

- "Well, maybe because you didn’t want her in the band."

- "It’s been months. Get over it."

- "Now that I think about it, you are not even close to her at all…"

- "You are way too close to her, close enough for the two of us"- Gerard spit those words, still not looking at his brother.

- "What? Are you jealous or something?"

- "No!"- he snorted- "Why? Should I?"

- "I don’t know. You are being an asshole."

- "I’m just tired…"- Gerard came up with the worst excuse ever

- "Ok, if you are tired, I’ll leave you to sleep, dude, you are not what I call a pleasure to hang out with anyway"- Mikey stood up and walked to the door- "See you tomorrow at the plane."

Mikey left the room, and Gerard groaned, annoyed. He grabbed the remote control and surfed the channels until he found Criminal Minds again. He just wanted to see Matthew’s face to hate him even more.

- "What’s so special about this asshole? He is just a pretty boy, no talent, definitely no acting skills… He is tall. That’s all he has in his favor"- Gerard was arguing with the television out loud.

- "I mean… it’s clear he is not as smart as his character, and he ain’t funny either, shit! I bet he hasn’t done anything but this stupid tv show and those 3 minutes in the Wes Anderson movie."

Gerard opened google and searched for information about Matthew Gray Gubler, just to make sure he was a loser. He hated to know he wasn’t, though Gerard thought everything he had done had been pathetic so far. Everything but proposing Joey. And that was what Gerard hated the most. It was sick, and he knew it, that obsession he had about that girl, the one he couldn’t have. He just couldn’t take the idea of being with her out of his mind. Why? Was it because obviously, she didn’t want him? Many girls hadn’t wanted him before. Why was this one killing him slowly?

- "Oh fuck!"- Gerard nearly shook with his coke when he saw a picture of Matthew’s birthday- "Oh man!! I knew you were too good for my girl!!"- Gerard wanted to jump when he saw a picture of Matthew making out with a girl and the comment: “Matthew Gray Gubler birthday, 2011”.

- "You are going down!!"

::: Munich, March 10th, 2011 :::

Ray and Joey walked out of a Krispy Kremes at the airport, waiting for their flight to Valencia, holding a huge box of freshly made donuts. Joey was in heaven, and Ray was laughing at how excited she was about coffee and sugar.

- "Touring with you and Mikey together has been the best training to be a dad one day"- the guitarist said, chuckling.

- "Are you planning on having babies, dad?"

- "Yeah, it’s something me and Christa have talked about a few times. I want to wait until life gets a little bit less… messy ‘cos I wanna be with her the whole way and enjoy our babies."

- "Oh, dad, you are so cute"- the girl pout and punched his arm- "I want babies too, but I don’t think it will happen soon."

- "Why?"

- "Well, ‘cos I guess I want to wait until I have a steady job first."

- "And what is this for you?"- Toro gesticulated.

- "I’m your drummer for the tour Ray. The tour will end at some point, though it seems endless right now, and I will have to look for another job. And what if I get another tour drummer job? I’m gonna have to travel again. When am I going to be home with my husband to make and raise a baby?"

- "Well… after the tour you could be our studio drummer too, and you can stay in Los Angeles with Matthew and start making babies"- the girl chuckled at those words, though she liked the idea- "You should name your firstborn Ray though, I’ll put that in the contract"- both of them laughed and reached their gate.

- "Kids! Sugar!"- Joey’s smile shone as she gave Frank and Mikey the donuts box.

Gerard looked at her and sighed, thinking he wanted to tell her what he knew about Matthew, but it hurt him to know how much damage it was going to mean for her

- "Hey, Gerard!"- she snapped her fingers in front of him- "This one has your name on it. I figured you’d like a cappuccino cream donut."

- "Thank you"- he felt his cheeks blushing as he held the donut and smiled at Joey- "Sugar low?"

- "Yeah, my body needs some fuel to work until we reach the next hotel, and I can sleep some more."

- "Why? You didn’t sleep well last night?"- Gerard bit his donut and stared at Joey’s cheek turning red.

- "No, I stayed up talking with Matthew until three am."

- "Wow… really? Everything ok?"- Gerard’s heart beat a little faster with those words. She wouldn’t be so happy if she knew what Gubler was doing behind her back. Or did she not care? No, it was more likely she had no idea.

- "Yeah, we just miss each other a lot, and it was his birthday. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, even on FaceTime."

- "His birthday!"- Gerard nodded- "Right, so he didn’t party or whatever?“Smooth dude, good”

- "He did, the night before with some friends from work, he was kind of hungover"- Joey smiled again- "So last night was our moment to celebrate."

- "Dude, please. I don’t wanna picture you and Matthew having phone sex"- Frankie showed up and grabbed Joey’s coffee- "I mean, you, that I can imagine, but him… not so much."

- "Jersey!!"- the girl frowned and smacked him.

- "What?!"

- "Stop being disgusting!"- he chuckled, and she took her coffee back from his hands

- "We all knew what you meant when you said you “stayed up talking with Matthew until three am”- Iero air quoted and laughed again- "We’ve all been there, I’ve been there like three times in the latest weeks."

- "Come on!!!"- Joey smacked him again and walked away. Frank kept laughing for a few seconds and finished his donut.

- "Hey guys, come closer"- Gerard whispered as he noticed Joey had walked away, probably to the bathroom- "I need to tell you something."

- "What?"- Mikey raised an eyebrow as he moved closer ‘cos his brother had whispered.

- "Last night, I was on Twitter, and this picture of Gubler appeared… he… he cheated on Joey at his birthday party."

Gerard had prepared the speech to make sure no one would ever know he had been looking for information about Gubler and saved the picture as proof.

- "What the fuck?"- Mikey grabbed the phone from his brother’s hand and took a look at the picture.

- "Are you sure that’s him?"- Ray moved closer and took a long look at the picture.

- "Yeah! It’s him! He cheated on the party Joey told us he had with his friends"- Mikey was in shock. He walked away and closed his eyes, thinking about Joey and how she would take the news. Frank was so mad. He wanted to kill that guy. He also walked away and murmured curses for a minute straight. Ray couldn’t believe it, and his only concern at the moment was:

- "We have to tell her"

- "How can we tell her that?!"- Mikey pointed at the phone- "We are gonna break her!"

- "He broke her!"- Gerard argued- "He is the one who fucked it up! We are her friends, and we have to let her know what’s going on"- the band stayed quiet, neither of them knowing what to say.

- "Hey kids!"- Joey appeared suddenly smiling- "Why did you all get all serious? Did something happen?"

- "Yeah"- Gerard said, and Frank quickly interrupted him.

- "I ate the last donut and didn’t share it"- the girl raised an eyebrow.

- "Bullshit."

- "No, Gerard wanted it, and it seems I tend to hoard all the sweets…"- Joey frowned at that nonsense.

- "You do"- Mikey supported his lie flawlessly- "You always eat more than us!"

- "Ok… sure…"- Joey walked to a chair and looked at her phone. Mikey turned to his brother and punched his arm.

- "Not here! Don’t be an asshole! We wait until we are in the hotel! You can’t do this in public!"- Gerard felt like an ass. His brother was right. He was so desperate to end that relationship he wasn’t thinking straight.

He wanted to end a relationship that wasn’t even his. What had he turned into? A cold-blooded asshole who craved a girl so much, he was willing to ruin her life to get a chance to be with her?

Mikey was playing with his fingers nonstop. He just wanted to get out of the plane and avoid Joey for a long while. He was thankful the girl was sound asleep next to him ‘cos he knew he wouldn’t be able to pretend things were cool and peachy. Mikey knew he was a lousy liar. He wasn’t going to act like everything was good.

- "Hey"- Frank waved and pointed to the back of the plane. Mikey stood up and followed him, there Ray and Gerard were waiting for them.

- "What is it?"

- "We have to talk about what happened. When are we going to tell her?"- Gerard said, and the four of them looked at each other in silence for a few seconds- "I know it’s crap, but we can’t leave her in the dark about it… can we?"

- "No man"- Frank said and took a look around, scared the girl might see or hear them- "But… she is gonna be a mess, and I don’t wanna feel like we did this to her."

- "He did this to her"- Gerard quickly replied- "This whole shit is his fault."

- "Gubler should tell her"- Iero added. He didn’t feel like he could do such harm to her friend. He was going to harm Gubler, but not Joey.

- "He won’t do that, Frank"- Ray said- "But… I don’t want to be a cold bitch here, but we’ve got the Valencia show in two days, and that shit will be televised… if we tell her… and she wants to leave…"

- "Dude, we can’t wait that long"- Gerard interrupted him.

- "Why not?"- Ray asked, and Way didn’t reply. His honest answer was: “Because I wanna hold her tight and tell her “everything is gonna be ok” as soon as possible. And I also want to ruin Matthew’s life in the shortest notice”.

- "Because if she finds out that we knew and we didn’t tell her, we are gonna pay. She is gonna think we betrayed her"- Mikey answered instead of Gerard, ‘cos he had a reasonable answer.

- "You are right"- Ray nodded- "And that would be hell"- the four of them nodded.

- "So? Tonight?"- Frank asked- "We should get her something…"

- "Like what? Flowers?"- Gerard asked, confused.

- "Like alcohol, chocolate, chick flicks"- Mikey frowned at his brother- "So you never helped a friend when her boyfriend dumped her?"- and Gerard stayed still- "Wow, you can’t cease to amaze me."

- "I didn’t have many girlfriends back in the days"- Gerard explained.

- "Whatever…"

- "Ok, so after dinner, we go to her room"- Frank finished, and they all accepted- "Ok, now let me go to the bathroom ‘cos I need to take a piss, come on, move it."

Ray looked around his room and sighed. He had called Christa and told her what was going on. He felt responsible for Joey’s wellbeing, and at that moment, he was scared of what would happen. His wife was in shock. She couldn’t believe Matthew had done such a thing. She even doubted it was real.

- "Are you sure that the picture isn’t photoshopped?"

- "Yeah!"

- "Really?"- Ray doubted

- "Well, it looked very real to me"

- "Why don’t you ask him?"

- "Yes, honey! He is going to come clean right away!"

- "I mean it, baby! Maybe it wasn’t a party, maybe it was a scene from his coming up film out of context, maybe it was a bad angle."

- "Christa, the tongue of two women were liking him at the very same time unless he is doing porn, there is no way that’s from his upcoming movie!"- Ray made a point, and his wife’s silence made it clear. Now he was walking in circles, trying to set his mind straight. He had never done this before, and shit, he didn’t want to.

The guitarist grabbed the Pride and Prejudice blu ray he had gotten that afternoon and sighed. It was time. He walked out to the hall and into the elevator. Just outside of Joey’s room, he bumped into Mikey and Frank. One held a paper bag with some chocolates and candies, and the other, a whiskey bottle. Of course, the whiskey guy was Iero.

- "Should we wait for Gerard?"- Ray asked

- "Nah"- Frank knocked and waited- "He is always late."

- "And you are always so on time"- Mikey joked and chuckled.

- "Hey! Ready for that movie?"- Joey opened the door smiling- "Say hello to Matthew!!"- the girl flipped her phone, and her boyfriend waved at the band.

- "Hey guys"- but neither of them smiled at him.

- "We are gonna watch a movie"- Joey turned and walked back- "I’ll call you in a while, ok?"

- "Sure, Yami. I love you so much!"

- "I love you more!"

- "Have fun"- Joey hung down and looked at her friends, narrowing her eyes, upset- "What the fuck is your problem?"

- "Bug, we need to talk"- the knock on the door interrupted Mikey, but Frank walked over quickly and opened it.

- "We are starting. What did you bring?"- Gerard frowns at that questions

- "You weren’t kidding? We had to bring something? Like a birthday party?"

- "Shit, you are an asshole"- Frank just shook his head.

- "Mikey, Ray? What is it?"- the girl sat on her bed, leg crossed, as Mikey sat next to her and held her hand.

- "Turns out we’ve got some news for you."

- "Am I fired?"- she wide opened her eyes in shock- "I am, right? Fuck I knew this was gonna happen eventually."

- "No, Bug, you are not fired"- Ray sat next to Mikey and smiled- "We are more than happy to have you here, and we would love to have you with us forever."

- "Yeah, Iceland, you are one of us now. Deal with the fact you are doomed"- Frank said and moved closer to the girl to mess with her hair.

- "Then?"- she asked and looked at the four worried faces in front of her- "What is it? ‘Cos it seems serious."

None of them knew how to say it, though each of them had practiced it in front of the mirror. And Gerard, the one who was anxious to say it, suddenly felt the remorse of being the one to break it on Joey’s face. He knew it had to happen, though. That didn’t make it less sad.

- "Joey, last night I found this picture of Gubler’s birthday party on Twitter"- the singer simply said and gave her his phone.

Mikey closed his eyes, and Frank looked down. Neither of them was able to face the girl at the moment. Joey just stared at the screen in silence for at least a minute, holding her breath. There he was, Matthew. Cheating. What she thought was impossible happened. And the most profound pain she could feel took over her body second by second.

Her world fell down. She couldn’t believe it. Matthew was kissing his ex-girlfriend. She recognized her right away, the other girl, she had no idea who she was.

He betrayed her trust. He destroyed her heart, she could feel it breaking inside her chest, with deep aching pain, and it didn’t let her breathe. She wanted everybody out of the room to cry alone. She wanted to smash Gerard’s phone against the wall. And most of all, she wanted to find an explanation, maybe an excuse for that fucking image. It was to be a lie. Matthew would never do that. Never. Thoughts kept rolling down her head. It was a lie. It had to be. Maybe a fan photoshopped it. Perhaps it was old. Maybe it wasn’t Gubs, just a lookalike.

- "Joey…"- Mikey whispered- "Are you ok?"

- "Is that the only picture you saw?"- the girl asked with a cold tone in her voice.

- "No"- Gerard murmured and frowned as he noticed the lack of emotion in Joey’s face

- "Can you send me the pictures, please?"- her voice was turning shaky while she made an effort to stay calm.

Joey hated to cry, and overall, she hated to cry in front of people. She hated when people pitied her, and at the moment, it was all she was feeling coming from her friends. Pity.

-  "Bug, it is ok to be sad"- Mikey said and held her hand tight.

- "I’m not sad, I’m mad"- her eyes were filled with tears she refused to cry. Her jaws felt tight. She didn’t even want to talk anymore.

- "Hey, we are here- Ray kneeled in front of Joey and tucked away some of her hair that was falling on her face. He kept his brown eyes in hers, locked, trying to read her reaction. He realized how much she was trying to hold back. He knew his friend pretty well, and he could tell how embarrassed she was to share this with everybody. So he whispered:

- "Joey, do you want to be alone for a little while?"- and she quickly nodded, biting the inside of her cheeks.

- "Dude, we can’t leave her alone!"- Gerard immediately said and hit his friend’s arm. But Ray didn’t leave Joey’s eyes, not even for a second, and she did the same.

- "No, she is going to be ok, we are going to leave her alone for a while, and I am going to take her key, is that ok, Joey?"- the girl nodded again- "Ok, so I’ll take your key. I’ll come back in an hour to see if you need anything, ok?"

Joey couldn’t even say a word, so she nodded one last time and looked at Ray stand up.

- "Dude? What the fuck?"- Gerard was in shock, but Mikey understood immediately what Ray was doing.

- "I love you"- the youngest Way whispered and kissed Joey’s cheek. She got even tenser at his touch. She felt she was going to break into tears if anyone else touched her. So she refused to hug anybody.

- "Bug, if you need a drink, I left your favorite whiskey on the table… I’ll stop by later to have a shot with you, ok?"- Frank whispered and cut her a short smile. She nodded and watched them walk away. Gerard didn’t want to move, he took a few steps closer and opened his arms, but Joey quickly moved from him and frowned, like a frightened cat trying to escape from everything and everybody.

- "Gerard, leave her, she is ok"- Ray grabbed Gerard’s arm and pushed him- "I’ll come back in an hour, Bug"- the girl watched them walking to the door, Gerard kept looking back at her, concerned and scared she wasn’t going to be ok on her own.

- "Dude, this is wrong"- he argued the second they closed the door- "We can’t leave her there! It’s not safe!"- and just then, Joey’s yells crying froze the four of them- "Give me the key!"- Gerard argued and tried to take it from Ray’s pocket.

- "No! She needs to be on her own! She needs to cry, and she is never going to cry in front of us!"

- "What the fuck do you know?"- the singer questioned obfuscated.

- "Calm down, Gee. Ray is right"- Mikey said and sighed- "Joey needs to be alone, she ain’t going to kill herself, she just needs to yell and cry, and probably call that mother fucker and break up with him."

- "Yeah, come on"- Frank tapped on Gerard’s back and started walking- "Let’s get a beer, smoke a cigarette, and we can come back in a while. Ray has the key, so we know she won’t lock herself alone."

Gerard hated his friends at that moment. He had to be there for her, hold her, kiss her, console her. What the fuck was he doing with those guys? She needed him. He had to be with her. Why were they doing this?

- "So you don’t care?"- Gerard squabbled, and Mikey simply sighed.

- "You don’t know how she is like…"- and his brother’s words were enough to insult Gerard and shut him up.

Joey was on her knees on the floor, crying. Gasping for air every few seconds and feeling how every tear in her body came out at the same time. There was a void in her chest, right where it used to be her heart. Matthew Gray Gubler broke her heart. He broke her. All the fears she had locked inside ‘cos Matthew made her trust were now out again, and a voice in the back of her head kept telling her, “You knew this was going to happen if you were stupid enough to trust someone.”

But he was so good for her. How could he do that? Was it something she had done? Was it because she wasn’t there? You can’t be stuck with somebody to keep them from cheating. You don’t cheat. If you are not happy, you break up.

Joey felt sick in her stomach and had to rush to the bathroom. She puked crying, she couldn’t stop doing either of them. She kept choking with tears as she vomited. Until it was done. She flushed and stayed there, on the bathroom floor, crying and shaking in sadness. In fear. In disappointment.

What was she going to do? She had to break up with him. She couldn’t marry a cheater, and she wasn’t going to trust him ever again. Two fucking girls at the same time. What if he had done it before and got caught just now? For how long had he been doing that? What if she was seeing other girls regularly?

- "I knew this was going to happen. You don’t date a guy like that and expect him to be faithful…"- the girl whispered to herself, weeping- "He had nothing to do with a girl like me. Take a look at yourself, you dumb slut!"

Joey never said it out loud. She never let herself think about it. She refused to accept the fact she was weak. She had always hated herself. She felt she wasn’t worthy of anything good. All the years in the orphanage had left more than scars on her skin. They were also in her mind. You don’t spend years watching kids leaving with families and don’t convince yourself you are not good enough to be picked, to be happy. And when a family picks you up, you think it’s not you. It’s pity.

Sure, you can cover it up. You can be serious. You can stay away emotionally from people. You can find shelter in music and hide from the world in it. You can kick people’s ass when they hurt you or insult you. You can lie and say you are not “a people person,” whatever that means. But none of that can erase the fact that you feel alone, unwanted. Worthless.

- "I wanna call this mother fucker and fucking yell at him the kind of scumbag he is!!"- Frank said as he lit another cigarette and took a look at his watch- "She has been alone for half an hour, do you think she is ok?"

- "Of course, she is not ok, but she has to handle it. She is a grown woman"- Ray answered and sipped his beer.

- "I can’t believe he did this to her"- Mikey whispered- "She, of all the women I’ve known, doesn’t deserve to be treated like this."

A few tears filled his eyes, and he quickly wiped them off, lighting a cigarette too.

- "I’m gonna kill him, as soon as we get home, I’m gonna kill this mother fucker. I’ve got his fucking address, I’m gonna get there, and fucking break every bone in his body with my own hands"- Mikey was losing his cool. He stood up and walked around the hotel’s terrace, and looked at the city lighten in front of him. Frank stared at his friends and stood up too.

- "I’m with you, but we can’t be like this in front of her."

- "I know"- Mikey scratched his head and smoked in silence for a few seconds- "I’m not doing press tomorrow,"- he announced- "I’m staying with her all day long."

- "You can’t just…"- but Gerard’s words were lost in the air knowing his brother wasn’t asking, he was letting them know what he was doing.

- "Maybe we could take turns"- Frankie thought out loud- "You stay with her in the morning, Ray stays with her after lunch, and so on"- they all nodded. Gerard felt excited there was a chance he was going to get time alone with her.

- "Let’s see if she approves it first"- Ray said, and Mikey smiled for a second. He could picture Joey arguing she was ok, and him simply just staying with her, not taking no for an answer. She was going to be pissed.

- "Can we please check on her?"- Gerard tried to ask, but in real life, it sounded like he was begging- "I’m worried"- Ray sighed and took a look at his clock

- "Thirty more minutes"

- "Why at the hour?"- the eldest Way questioned

- "‘Cos she has to put her shit together before we come back, and she knows we’ll come back in an hour."

Joey walked around her room, holding a glass of whiskey. Her third glass of whiskey. Her phone was in her hand, and her finger was about to push “dial.”

- "You can do this"- she said to herself. She had cleaned her face, wiped off all the tears, combed her hair, and taken a long time calming herself down. More than anything, she didn’t want Matthew to see her cry. She couldn’t show any weakness to him.

She knew she would never be fully ready to do this, but if not now, when? So she dialed.

- "Hey Yami!! How’s the movie? Is it over yet?"- Matthew’s face filled the screen, and Joey needed a few seconds to put herself together again. His face was too much to handle. She still loved him too much to see him after what had just happened. Maybe FaceTime hadn’t been the best idea.

- "You cheated on me"- she managed to say. Matthew’s heart stopped- "It’s all over Twitter!!! You fucking cheated on me, and you just pretended it was all perfect??!"

Gubler sat on his couch and looked at his mom, who was next to him, reading. She slowly stood up and walked to the other room. He kept his eyes on Joey’s face and held his breath. Why did he think he could hide it from her? Now, what was he going to say? Was he going to deny it? Could he?

- "Yami, I..."

- "Don’t fucking Yami me, Matt"- she spit the last word with disdain, ‘cos she knew how much he hated being called that way- "You lied, you cheated, and you ruined everything!"

- "Joey, please, listen to me"- the young man stood up and started walking around the room, not knowing what to do or what to say.

- "What should I listen to? Do you think you can talk your way out of this?"- Matthew brushed his hand on his face and scratched his hair, confused and scared.

- "Joey, listen, I was drunk. It didn’t mean anything."

- "What? So being drunk is the perfect excuse for me to accept the fact your ex-girlfriend’s tongue was down your throat, and with another girl too? What the fuck?!"

- "Joey, it didn’t mean anything! It was a mistake!"

- "A “mistake”? How many “mistakes” have you made ever since I left? Tell me."

- "Please, Joey, listen to me. I was drunk, they started dancing, and they kissed me and…"

- "And you fucking took them home and fucked the two of them at the fucking same time. I can picture that very clear, the same fucking bed you said you wanted me to be in."

- "Joey! No!! That’s not what happened!"

- "Then enlighten me, Matthew. Tell me, what the fuck happened?"

Gubler sighed and bit his lips. He didn’t want to tell her, but he knew he had to. She was going to find out the truth one way or another. Maybe if he came clean with her, she would understand. He loved her. She knew that. It was a mistake, a horrible mistake, but it didn’t mean a thing, anything at all.

- "We were at the party, and you called… we talked, and I decided to go home."

- "Sure"- she interrupted sarcastically.

- "Listen, I wanted to go home ‘cos I missed you, but Mark found me and got me a couple of drinks. I was super drunk already when Ann appeared."

- "So you had invited her?"

- "No! No way! I had no idea she was there!"

- "But you got thrilled to see her."

- "I didn’t care! Joey, please, believe me. I was just drunk and stupid, but it didn’t mean a thing!"

- "You fucked her!!"

- "I didn’t fuck neither of them!"

- "There are pictures!! Pictures of you and her and… you were leaving together"

- "We didn’t fuck! Joey, I swear!!"

- "Sorry, but I can’t believe you! I can’t believe a word that’s coming from your lips!"

- "Joey, Yami, baby, love… I swear, I didn’t fuck with them"

- "Then what happened?"

Joey was severe and cold. She had managed not to cry so far, and that made her feel proud. She was devastated and nearly suicidal inside, but she wasn’t going to give Matthew the pleasure of seeing her destroyed because of him. Not that day.

- "Joey… nothing happened."

- "Matthew, if you are going to lie, and I discover that you did…"

- "Ann took me to the back room and decided she wanted to give me a birthday present, so she..." - Joey closed her eyes and threw the phone to the bed.

- "Hijo de la gran puta!! (son of a bitch!!)"- she managed to yell, losing it for a second.

- "It was just a blowjob. Nothing else happened, I swear, Joey! and I stopped her!"- Matthew broke in tears as Joey walked around the room, poured herself another whiskey, and looked at the phone still on her bed.

- "Just a blowjob??! Just a blowjob, Matthew?? Do you fucking believe that shit??"

- "Joey, it meant nothing!!! I didn’t want to do it!!"

- "Bullshit!!"- Joey grabbed the phone again and cut him a look so full of hate Matthew knew he was losing her second by second.

- "Yami, please, I hate myself too, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to undo this!! I was too drunk! I thought it was you, and when I saw her, I stopped it"- Joey scoffed and bit her lips to stop the tears- "I regret everything that happened, it was stupid, and it meant nothing, I fucking love you, Joey, you are my bride! you are my love and my whole life!"

- "No"- she quickly replied.

- "Joey, please."

- "No, Matthew. I am not your bride, and I am not your life, not anymore. I am merely the girl you fucking broke and lied to."

- "Please, please try to understand, it wasn’t me, it was a mistake! I didn’t mean it!!"

- "But it happened, Matthew, and that’s it. You can’t undo it."

- "Please, please! you have to forgive me."

- "Why should I forgive you, Matthew? ‘Cos I love you? Is that enough?"- the girl stopped talking, ‘cos her eyes were filled with tears, and she was still making her best not to cry in front of him. But it was getting too hard. Nearly impossible.

- "Joey, please don’t leave me"- the boy begged, his voice as a whisper at the other side of the line. He was crying like a baby, sobbing and walking around his house, not knowing what to do- "Yami, I need you"- every word that came from his lips cracked each of her already shattered heart into another tiny piece.

- "You should have thought of that before, shouldn’t you?"- the girl answered coldly- "You know how much it took me to trust you, Matthew, how much it took me to give you my heart, to you, for the very fucking first time in my life."

- "Please, please… give me another chance…"- he was sobbing, and Joey couldn’t hold it anymore. She broke into tears in front of him as well.

He looked at her, still thinking there was a chance she could forgive him. He didn’t mean to hurt her. It was a mistake. He loved her. She knew it. What did he have to do to change her mind? To keep her by his side.

- "No"- Joey answered, whimpering- "There are no second chances, Matthew."

- "Please, Joey, I am so so so sorry!"

- "Being sorry doesn’t fix anything."

- "I love you"

- "You didn’t care about that when she sucked your dick, did you?"- Joey managed to say, drying the tears from her eyes- "You just fucking enjoyed it, and fucked with my feelings, ‘cos I wasn’t supposed to know."

- "I love you so much"

- "So what?"- she simply answered- "So I should forgive you ‘cos you love me?"

- "I’d do anything for you."

- "You should have started by not cheating."

Joey took a deep breath and looked at Gubler sobbing at the other side of the line, desperate, honestly desperate

- "Bye, Matthew."

- "No, Joey! Wait! Don’t!"

But that was all Joey could handle. She threw the phone back to her bed and fell on the floor, crying her eyes out again. It was too much for her; she wasn’t going to make this alive. Joey loved him so much, but Matthew had damaged her to the edge of sanity. She was proud she had managed the situation mostly cold-headed. She wanted him. She wanted to forgive him so badly. But she couldn’t. She wasn’t going to believe him ever again.

- "Bug?"- Ray opened the door and found her lying on the bed. Mikey ran to her and held her. She wasn’t crying anymore. She looked in shock. He almost broke into tears next to her, not knowing what to do. She merely blinked. She wasn’t talking. She just laid there, curl up, almost lifeless. Barely alive.

Mikey hugged her tight, lying next to her, trying to keep her warm, ‘cos she kept shaking. Frank wiped off the tears from his eyes as he turned around and poured himself a whiskey.

Gerard looked at the scene from a safe distance while Ray tried to talk to Joey, and Frank started drinking, trying not to show how insanely angry he was. Gerard felt like shit. He didn’t think it would affect him so much. But suddenly, he was feeling guilty. Honestly and deeply guilty. He was the one who found out. He was the one who was eager to tell her. He was the one who told her. And an hour ago, he was excited about it, ‘cos it meant she wasn’t going to be with Matthew anymore. But he was so selfish he never stopped himself from thinking what was going to happen to her. How it was going to affect her. And Gerard felt now like a monster.

- "I’m ok kids"- Joey whispered and cut Ray a slight smile- "I’m just tired."

- "Do you want something to eat?"- he asked, but she shook her head- "I’m gonna leave these chocolates here, ok?"

- "Thank you…"- Mikey kissed the top of her head and snuggled her closer. Her phone kept ringing on the floor. Frank quickly grabbed it. It already had five missing calls from Matthew.

- "This mother fucker is gonna…"

- "Please don’t"- but Joey’s words were useless, Frank picked up, ignoring her.

- "Joey!"- Gubler yelled at the other side of the line.

- "Don’t you fucking dare calling her again!!"- Frank yelled with hate- "You are not getting close to her. You are not talking to her. You are dead! Heard me? You are dead to her, and if you fucking get close to her, I am gonna fucking kill you, heard me? I’m gonna kill you!!"

Frank didn’t even let him reply. He hung down and turned off the phone.

- "Why did you do that?"- Joey whispered and took a deep breath.

- "I’m not gonna let that guy hurt you again"- Frank murmured as he kneeled by the bed and kissed her temple sweetly- "Never, I’m not gonna let him make you cry or break your heart again, ok?"

Frank’s words were so full of honesty and emotion, even his voice shook. Tears fell from his eyes, and Joey stared at him in shock. He cared that much for her. It was shocking to realize how much they all cared for her.

- "Thank you, Frank"- he smiled

- "Hey, whatever you need"- he smiled shyly- "Now make room"- the girl and Mikey moved, as Frank crawled on the bed next to her. He wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head as Mikey laid at the other side of her, still cuddling her.

Gerard stared at the scene and wondered how they could just do that, it was what he wanted to do, but he could not move from where he was standing.

- "Wanna watch a movie?"- Ray grabbed the remote control- "Let’s see what we can find"- he knew Pride and Prejudice wasn’t right for the moment, so he tried to find the most random movie he could in pay per view. Die Hard was the chosen one. He and Gerard laid on the bed with the others and didn’t say another word. The girl wanted to be alone, but she knew they weren’t going to let her. It felt good in a way, knowing they cared about her and wanted to be with her at that dark moment.

Matthew was crying, sitting on his bed. He didn’t seem to be able to stop the tears from falling. He held the phone and dialed over and over again. It was off. The wedding was off. His whole life was off at that point. He had made the biggest mistake, and now he knew he couldn’t fix it. But he had to. He wanted to.

- "Yami, please, I’m so sorry"- he talked with her voicemail- "I need you to forgive me, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t want to, it was a mistake"- the call ended, he dialed again- "Yami, I can’t live without you, I can’t, I swear, please, I’m so sorry, I’d do anything you want, anything, but please, please"- the call ended, he dialed again- "Please… Joey, I love you so much, I need you so much, I..."

- "Honey"- his mother whispered as she walked into his room and found him weeping on the phone.

- "She left me, mom"- he whispered and felt her arms around him- "She broke up with me"- he couldn’t say another word ‘cos the tears, and the sobbing didn’t let him talk. His mother kissed his temple and hugged him tightly.

- "You are gonna fix this, baby. It’s gonna be ok."

- "How?"- he managed to murmur.

- "She loves you so much, she is going to forgive you. I know she will."

- "I hurt her mom. She doesn’t deserve this... I don’t deserve her… she is an angel, and I ruined it"- Matthew couldn’t say another word. He just hid his head on his mother’s neck and cried.

Taglist

@all-tings-diego @worryd0ll

[iguessilovebakugou]

In Search of Silver Linings, We Discovered Gold ||  Bakugou x Fem!Reader (x Shinsou) ||  Happier pt 3 ||  Series

I really feel like Sleeping At Last’s “Two” resonates with Shinsou in this one.  But also for the Reader towards Bakugou just like...in general.  Also, I would suggest Gang of Youth’s “Achilles, Come Down” as well. And Lauren Aquilina’s “Fools”. 

One day I’m going to make a playlist for this fucking series - and then you bitches will be sorry.  

I’m sorry it took so long to get this part out.  I feel like nothing I would write would live up to what I did 2 years ago now.  So I really hope that people like this one just as much as the others. 

Part One!  Part Two!

Word Count:  7.7K TW:  Smooching, Death Mention

“Hey, you okay?”

It should be so easy to explain to them what you were feeling.  They where there with you.  They went through the same thing you had, right?  You were right there with Ochaco, sat right by her side and watched her tell Mr. Aizawa...you should be able to just...

“Yeah,”  You offered Asui a bright smile.  “Just...tired.  These make up classes are just...they’re really killer, you know?”

The dorm had been quiet by the time the raid team had made their way home from their extra classes. Everyone had already gone to bed, the common area devoid of life by the time you had settled on the couches. And you were happy for it.  Ever since...well, it had been a bit harder to be around everyone.  It was hard to come to terms with the fact that after everything that had happened, happened.  And you were supposed to just...move on from it.  Keep going forward.  No time to process.

You pulled out your phone to check your messages.  You had hoped Shinsou would have at least texted you - but you had been left on read.  You tried not to be upset about it and instead, pretended to go to another app and check your messages there.  You even got comfortable and put an arm behind your head - yep, perfectly relaxed and not at all wanting to break down on the inside.  

Tsu’s big bright eyes stared down at you.  You wondered if she felt the same - if Kirishima, Izuku or Ochaco felt the same.  You wondered if sometimes, during class, they just lifted their heads, looked around at your classmates and felt...so out of place.  The only way you could describe it was like stumbling in the middle of a skit being performed in the middle of a park, and no one seemed to quite realize you weren’t actually an extra.

But you didn’t want to run the risk of looking at her.  If she looked at you, she might realize that you hadn’t come to terms with what happened - with Nighteye, Lemillion, with that poor girl, Eri.  And that wouldn’t do.  That might lead into her asking what was wrong.  And what were you supposed to do then?  Answer her honestly?  Come to terms with your feelings like a rational, level headed adult?

You?  Nah. Never.

“Yeah, you’re right.”  Once you were certain her back was towards you, you risked a glance in her direction.  

Your body ached, your eyes were sore, and your mind felt blank but busy at the same time.  You weren’t sure where to begin with everything, where to start with trying to catch up.  But this had become your norm, and as sad as it was, it felt like your body was accommodating to the drama that had become commonplace in your life.  You watched as she met Ochaco at the base of the steps leading up to the rooms.  She seemed surprised when you didn’t move to join them, turning to give you a concerned glance and a lip pout - for extra measure.  

You smiled, lifting up your phone and giving it a little wave.  “I think I’m just going to hang out down here before heading to bed.”

“Oh,”  She muttered softly.  “Okay, if you’re sure?”

You knew she wasn’t buying the act - whatever it was - in the slightest.  You knew Nighteye’s death hit her hard.  A lot harder than you.  As it should have - you had tried to use your quirk to defend her and Nighteye, only to be overpowered and rendered unconscious when it mattered most so you weren’t technically cognizant when she had made her getaway.  But it must have been terrible, holding a man in your arms as he died.   And yet here you are moping about it.  What gives you the right?

“Yeah, I’m sure.”  Another smile, this time a little wider.  “Got some videos to watch, don’t want to run the risk of waking anyone up.”

You turned, ending the conversation there.  You stared at your phone, sitting on the home screen and not bothering to look back once you heard them make the ascent up the stairs to their respective rooms.  It had been getting harder and harder to sleep these past few days and you couldn’t spend another restless night staring at the same four walls anymore.  Watching the same videos, rereading the same texts, you would go insane.  With an exasperated sigh, you tossed your phone to the side.  Hands found your face, fingers rubbing your eyes while reclining back, letting out a slow, low groan.

The lights in the common room were dim, just enough to find your way in case you stumbled down here in the middle of the night.  It was a small comfort, you figured to yourself, to have this moment alone.  To sit in the quiet and listen to the sounds of your friends around you, of the dorm settling snuggly down for another night’s rest.  And there you were, sitting by yourself in the common room.  Trying to decide if you were still mourning for a man you spoke to maybe a handful of times before you watched him get impaled on a spike or if you were ready to move on from it all.  Your head fell back limply against the edge of the couch, staring up at the ceiling as you tried to push any semblance of thought from your mind.  You just needed this one minute, one second for your entire world to just...stop running away from you.

If I could just get to him in time, maybe I could, I could help.  I could save him and be a hero and...

God, how dramatic could you get.  At least you hadn’t held the man in your arms as he lay dying.

With a sigh, you sat yourself back up and went back to your messages, pulling up the chat with Shinsou.  You hoped he was free.  Maybe even free enough to talk.  The empty feeling finding home in your chest was becoming too much.  You could use him, right now.  Maybe you could convince him to leave and come over.  You could watch a movie and just talk until you passed out.

Like friends did.

And if he was there, maybe it would so much easier to stay asleep. 

Hey.  We just got home.  Hope you’re...

Nope, delete.  Didn’t sound right.  

Hey!  You free right now?  I can’t sleep so

Nope, too eager.  

Shinsou, you loser get your ass over here

Nothing was coming out the way you wanted it to.  Nothing had ever sounded right.  You had so many things you wanted to say and yet never seemed to have the energy for it anymore.  Is this depression?  Do you have depression?  Do people who have depression know they have depression without being diagnosed with depression?  

You bit your lip, chewed on it until it grew sore and red and angry.  You needed your friend.  Your best friend.  Your only friend.  You missed hanging out with him, missed being able to text him weird shit and get a selfie of him looking bored at the camera just cause he knew it would make you laugh.  Cause you knew the weird shit you sent him made him laugh.  You wanted to see his face, to hear his voice.  You wanted it to go back before the dorms, back before whatever extra curricular thing he was doing.  But it wasn’t like he was doing this on purpose!  He was busy and you were just being fucking dramatic and needlessly stupid you didn’t even see Nighteye die but Deku did and he is holding himself together so much better and you would be okay if...if...

Why were you fucking crying now???????

Shinsou - I really miss you and I don’t want to be alone right now but I don’t know what to do I just wish you were here

“Hey.”

Given the recent events in your life, his gruff voice shattering the quiet of your isolation should have been expected.  Nevertheless, it still sent your heart skyrocketing into your throat.  You thought everyone had gone to bed and you could be a miserable wretch on your own time.  You jumped, sending your phone clattering to the ground and sliding under the coffee table.  The giant...granite...coffee table.  “Ah, shit, shit...”  You fell to your knees, trying to make a grab for it.  “Damn it, damn it, damn it.”

“I thought I would find you down here.”

Shinsou had hardly heard from you since the night you got back from the raid.  He had seen the news that something had happened.  When you didn’t answer his morning text, he just hoped you were just being your normal self.  When you didn’t show up at lunch, he feared the worst.  He paced his room, hardly ate, did nothing but refresh his news feed to see if your name flashed by as a causality.  He figured no news was good news but waiting to hear from you was the hardest thing he ever had to do.  And the fact you hadn’t told him you were going in the first place and had to find out about it by overhearing one of your classmates mention it?

Ample payback it seemed.  Secrets had become your duo’s new norm - and he hated it. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We were told not to say anything to anyone.  I’m sorry, Shinsou.”

Your voice had sounded so off, so different in what little words you spoke.  Silence had never been so poignant until he experienced it from you.  As he laid in bed and stared at the phone on his pillow, his heart broke with each toss and turn he could hear from you.  He sat quietly, for that whole 2 hours as you tried to make sense of what you had just been through that day.  But you never said more than a few words and, even so, those were just a mask to hide the rest of the truth you wanted to keep hidden.  He listened, patiently, as you tried to place it all in order so you could begin to move past it.  

He hoped he had helped - in what little way he could.  In what minute way you had allowed him.  You were closing off and he so desperately wanted to cry out for you.  But he stayed quiet.  

And he felt entirely useless. 

He didn’t know exactly what happened; only what little information he had heard from Mr. Aizawa and even that had been bits and pieces.  Confidential, he said.  Bullshit, Shinsou thought.  If he was going to try to begin to figure out a solution to...whatever it was that plagued you, to lift your spirits, he needed to know exactly what happened.  But, when Shinsou had asked if you had been involved, if you were alright...?

“You’re friends with her, right?  She didn’t really seem to want to talk about it when I asked her after the fact.  But I figure that’s just because I’m her teacher.  Maybe you should be the one to check in on her instead.  She might actually open up to you.”

Open up to him.  

And that was the problem wasn’t it?  Something that always seemed to stand right between the two of you, pushing you in separate directions - opening up to each other.  It was a thought that occurred to him as he watched you spin your spoon around in your soup, but refused to eat.  The two of you had no problems talking, especially you.  You talked a lot, and he...didn’t.  You suited him fine.  More than fine.  

But what is talking if you’re not saying anything?  What was the point of being friends if you couldn’t even rely on each other to keep a secret, to lean on each other when everything seemed so fucking terrible.  Had he done you a disservice, hiding things from you?  Had he given you the impression that you couldn’t come to him for something so small as a crush on...ah, for something really small?  Had you transitioned from “don’t want to bother him with something silly” to “I can’t talk to him anymore period”?

Shinsou had always been the more straightforward one.  Where you seemed to be an endless supply of needless conversation and seemed to always dance around subjects, Shinsou was the one who could give it to you as plainly as possible.  And you knew that.  You knew him better than anyone, could understand him better than anyone.  

So when he didn’t give it to you as honestly, as plainly as he could have, it would stand to reason that you would be sent tumbling.

Shinsou - I really miss you and I don’t want to be alone right now but I don’t know what to do I just wish you were here

The text had come as a surprise.  Shinsou had been trying to sleep, but it was a rare commodity those days.  His mind swirled with thoughts of you.  Of how much he missed just you.  Your laugh, your stupid jokes.  Everything was starting to feel so hollow when he heard that soft ding from across the room.  To say he scrambled towards his desk where the phone lay charging was an understatement.  

I really miss you.

You were screaming for him and he hadn’t heard it.  You were sinking further and further and yet here he was, wondering and waiting for some sort of sign on what to do.  How he could fix it - but later.  He’s not strong enough now.  He’s not ready.  After he’s done with Aizawa.  After he’s a hero.  After after after.  Always cautious, always testing the waters.  

I just wish you were here.

You never waited, never paused, never hesitated.  When Bakugou was kidnapped, you rushed home and came up with a plan of action.  When you wanted to talk to him, you marched from your dorms, almost got into a fist fight, just to talk.  You were reckless in all the best ways.  In all the ways that made him want to scream, to touch you, to praise you, to love...to love you.

“I would be able to sleep if you answered your phone once in a while.”

He gripped his phone and hated that he had to draw one hand up to wipe his eyes.  Hated that his chest ached and hated that you even had to ask him.

“I wish you would have answered me.”

No more.  You would never have to ask him again.

He couldn’t pull his shoes on fast enough.  Before Shinsou could stop, rethink if this was a good idea, he was outside and making his way towards your dorm.  If he couldn’t help you now, when you needed it the most, when you were asking for him to pull you out from the waters...

His heart didn’t have the right to ache for you as much as it did. 

The two of you had done this so many times, Bakugou was surprised that you weren’t in the kitchen when he finally got down stairs.  The moment he got to the ground floor and saw you hunched over on the couch, his body froze.  

He had been hoping to have a bit more time to think of what he wanted to say.

“Is it just me, or has she not been the same since coming back from the raid?”

“No, I noticed it too.”

“Should we ask her about it?”

The frog grew quiet for a moment.  Bakugou had to strain to hear her response from down the hall.  “I think she’ll open up when she’s ready.”  She said softly.  “If we try to push the issue before then, it might just make matters worse.”

“Yeah,”  Uraraka responded, “I guess you’re right.  Still...I’m just worried.”

Worried.  For you.  

He didn’t want to think about why he was down in the commons, so late at night.  He didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that seeing your shaking shoulders, hearing the fast gasps you were making, ripped his very state of being apart.  He watched you, eyes narrowed.

He didn’t like it.  He didn’t like that you were in this state at all.

“Hey.”

He expected you to jump - it was a good thing that you did.  He would drag you out of whatever rut you were in, kicking and screaming if he had to.  

You got to your knees, cursing under your breath and scrambling for whatever you had been holding.  Probably your phone.  Bakugou stepped around the couch, shoving his hands in his pockets.  “Figured I would find you down here.”

You didn’t pay him any attention.  In fact, as you tried to reach under the coffee table, you kept your head turned - enough to where he couldn’t see your face.  You kept cursing, kept trying to reach desperately.  He watched you for a moment, feeling the frustration rise up inside of him.  You were ignoring him.  Like he wasn’t even there.  Like he wasn’t standing in front of you.

“Hey!”

“SHHH!”  You snapped to attention, pressing a finger to your lips.  He tried not to stare for too long.  “Do you want to wake the whole dorm!?”

“You should be in bed.”

Your stare lingered on him, for just a moment.  He refused to break eye contact first, refused to back down from the daggers you were sending his way.  You let out a huff, going back to searching for whatever it was that you had dropped.  “Couldn’t sleep.”

Bullshit.  He could tell.  It was a fact that he didn’t like to pay much attention to: tiny mannerisms that caught onto his attention like a hook.  You generally were so bright, hardly ever short.  Low energy, but not tired?  Sure.

He waited another minute.  “The others just got home.”

The slight pause.  Heh - you were like a book.  So easy to read.  “Oh.”  You said so matter-of-factly.  In another beat, you were back to searching, still focusing your gaze on the far side of the wall.  “Yeah, I guess.”

“So unless you got sent back early, I doubt you’ve even had a chance to try and sleep.”

Your fingers clenched, your fist shaking against the granite top.  Your body pulled up and away, resting in a rigid position.  But you were still refusing to look at him; in fact, to ensure that he wouldn’t be able to see anything,  you put your face in your hand.  Still, you didn’t say a word, didn’t argue with him.  So he continued:  “I’m just saying, if you’re going to lie, at least keep track who you tell what.”

You didn’t respond.  And he wished it didn’t make him as angry as it did.  He wished that he had been able to stop the rage that bubbled in his stomach.  But he couldn’t.  He didn’t want you to hide anything from him.  He wanted you to feel comfortable telling him when something was hurting you.  After he laid it all bare for you a few weeks ago, you couldn’t be bothered to at least confide in him what the hell was going on in your tiny little world?

“...tch.”  Bakugou fingers slid under the edge of the coffee table.  “Grab the other side.”

You paused, turning to stare at him.  His eyes met yours and he saw so clearly how blood shot they were, your cheeks blotchy and burning.  You sniffled once, pushing a strand of hair back into place.  “Uh...wha?”

“Do you want your crap or not!?”

“Oh, yeah, uh...”  You pushed yourself up.  His eyes followed you as you stationed yourself on the other side like instructed.  “On three.  One-”

He didn’t bother waiting.  Up he lifted and you scrambled to meet him half way.

Just a little to the side - and the bright screen of your phone illuminated the living room.  It was closest to him, causing him to flinch just slightly when the glow blinded him.  He moved to grab it for you -

Before Bakugou could realize what was happening, your fingers brushed against his.  You both paused, your digits flinching away from him every so slightly.  He didn’t know if he should continue making the grab for it or if he should pull away.  He didn’t want to.  Your skin was so soft and warm and...

He could feel your eyes on him and almost was able keep his gaze away.  Almost able to hold off temptation.  But you were like that, weren’t you?  The light had dimmed, casting a soft glow over your features.  He wanted to look anywhere else - anywhere but at you.  But your eyes held his, demanded that he hold your attention.  He hated the soft sound that escaped him.  Hated the way his heart hammered in his chest as you stared at each other, fingers still touching ever so slightly.  

He shouldn’t feel this way about you.  But he did.

Bakugou pulled back with a grunt.  He could feel your eyes follow him as he stood back up and stepped away, away from you.  Why did you do this to him?  Why did you manage to make him the worst of himself?  Lord Explosion Murder - reduced to a sniveling little puppy, eager to please because a girl he kind of thinks is pretty sometimes makes him feel like he’s going to throw up.  

His fingers shook.  He shoved them back in his pockets to hide the evidence.

You plucked the phone off the ground and immediately hit the lock screen to turn the light off.  You were once against standing alone in the dark, though he could see you plainly.  Neither of you said a word.  He wished he could say something, not scream it but just say it.  His mind strained to find something meaningful to say to you, something catching or just enough to keep you distracted from your thoughts.  But you had the knack for words - he didn’t.  All he could do was leer at you, waiting for you to start conversation.  You always had something to say.  

You silently slipped your phone in the pocket of your skirt.  

There was something different about you.  A wall that was keeping you from him.  Maybe the girls’ concern for you had weight behind it.  You still didn’t look at him, eyes downcast.

He had hoped, that night in the kitchen, that things might have been different.  That maybe...someday...

“You got your damn phone.  Now go to bed.”  He turned on his heels and made his way back towards the stairs.  He was done.  He helped you out enough.  

Sometimes you were too much.  Messed with his head and pulled his mind in so many different directions, he forgot which way was up because right there with you was where he wanted to be. 

“Why do you want to be a hero?”

Your voice cut through the silence of the dorm like a knife.  He hadn’t expected you to speak up now, though it fit you.  Question, make him stay; just when he decided to leave.  And of course, because you asked him to stay - he would.

“What kind of stupid question is that?”

“Humor me.”

He regretted coming down here to talk to you.  He should have just stayed in the comfort of his room.  “Why?”

“Humor.  Me.”  

His eyes narrowed.  Even if you wrapped yourself around him, brought him to his knees and groveling in your steps, no one spoke to him like that.  He spun around, snarl behind gritted teeth.  Who the fuck did you think you were talking to?

Then he paused.

You were watching him and the hollow expression on your face shoved the rage back down into his stomach.  With just a glance, you quelled that fury.  Another noise, another shock. Then your eyes softened and your shoulders slumped.  You remembered where you were, who you were talking to...no...no, you had never been afraid to talk to him like that.  Never afraid to meet his attitude head to head.  So what was different now?  “Please,” You added on, quietly.

What the hell happened to you?

Why did he want to be a hero?  

“To be number one.”

“Is that it?”

I don’t know anymore.  He didn’t like this line of questioning.  Bakugou was a smart kid - he could tell this conversation wasn’t going to be like the last one the two of you had.  No tea, no gentle touches.  The wounds were infected now and he felt shame burrow deep.  You had something you wanted to say, but something else was keeping it trapped, holding you back from being honest with him.  “What are you getting at?”

You fell quiet, letting his eyes take you in.  With a sigh, you turned and sat back down on the couch.  Your body folded in on itself, your hands grasping your arms, shaking fingertips digging into the fabric of the white dress shirt you were wearing.  “Nothing.”  You said finally.  “Just...thinking.  About things.”

You thought a lot about a lot of things.  Perhaps a little too much for too long.  You were receding back into your thoughts, pulling away from him again.  While he didn’t enjoy the feelings that being around you brought, losing you to your own headspace wasn’t something he would do tonight.  Or...any night.  His feet carried him back to the couch.  With a groan he sat down beside you.  “Well, then say it out loud.”

You let out a laugh that sounded too much like a sneer.  “Yeah.  Okay.”

It took everything in him to not reach out and grab you.  “I’m being serious.”

“I know.”

He just wanted to fucking help you.  “So tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

Like you had helped him.  “Whatever the hell that’s going on.”

A moment passed before you pulled your eyes back to his.  Finally, you were back in the present - back in that room with him.  Suddenly, you were aware that he had stationed himself beside you, so close your arms were a breath away from each other.  And there was a moment of panic in your eyes.  

You smirked, “Oh, are you playing therapist now?”

“Shut up!”  He bellowed.  “And tell me what the hell is going on before I change my mind!”

Your laugh was bitter, but it was something.  You used your hands to push your hair back out of your eyes, “...okay.”  You started...then fell quiet again.  He could hear you swallow the regret, the shame, the fear.  He watched as you struggled to put to words everything spinning around you.  “I don’t think I belong here.  At all.”

There were a million things Bakugou would have thought you could have said.  That...wasn’t one of them.  He had never thought of you not here.  What would that look like?

“I look at everyone here: Kirishima and Uraraka and Tsu and Deku...and I just can’t seem to find a place to put myself.  Among the rest of our class.”  His brows furrowed as you spoke.  He watched as your expression shifted with each word - angry and bitter and lost and upset.  “Like, you all are able to keep your heads held high, keep looking forward and never seem to let things drag you down.  I...I just don’t think I can do that.  So...”  You shrugged, swallowing harshly.  “Maybe I don’t deserve to be here if I can’t handle it...not like everyone else can.”

This wasn’t about the raid - that was just a catalyst.  It obviously struck a chord with you.  

“That’s stupid.”  

Another laugh.  This one tear filled but honest; and so, so bittersweet.  “Yeah.  Yeah, you’re absolutely right.  It’s pretty pathetic, huh?”

“No, you idiot.  It’s stupid because you’re wrong.”

You stared at him, mouth agape.  Then, in a second, your eyes narrowed, your lips thinned and your expression darkened.  He couldn’t help but feel the pride bubble in his chest:  You had realized you weren’t going to avoid this.  Not with him.  Not when he could help you.  He closed his eyes, figured it best to keep you out of his sight until he finished.  

“Look, you moron.  If you want to be angry or sad about whatever the hell happened back there, fine.  Do it.  But what good is wallowing in your own self pity if you’re not going to do anything about it?!”

Your voice shook as you spoke.  “Okay fine - then what should I do, Bakugou?”

His eyes snapped open, lips parted in surprise at the question.  There was an edge to your expression, daring him to answer.  Daring him to suggest something.  Blow it up?  Yell at it?  Fight it until it gives up?  But where would you start?  It wasn’t a real person - you couldn’t threaten it to back down.  Eyes scoured the floor for a response, searched desperately to find something - a strand of advice - to give you.  But he had nothing.  

“Yeah,”  You moved, pushing yourself off the couch.  You snatched your bag with such force it almost swung around and hit him in the face.  “That’s what I thought.  You don’t have an answer either.”

Shit.  Shit. He watched you as you skirted past his legs, intent on burying everything again.  If he let this go - let you go - you might actually do it.  You might actually leave UA - leave everyone in Class 1-A, leave your dream, leave...him. 

“It’s fine.”  You added, making your way towards the stairs.  “I’ll be fine.”

But he knew that was a lie.  Everything about this situation was a lie.  You wouldn’t be fine if he let you go upstairs, left you along with those thoughts of inadequacy, and if you kept falling lower and lower...?

“Hey.”  

You paused in front of the elevator...then pressed the button, it’s soft white glow sending panic down Bakugou’s spine.  The only thing he could see of you in the dark was the back of your head, the way your chin dipped just so lightly to your chest.  You weren’t going to respond if he didn’t do something.  He didn’t want this conversation to end - not like this.  What would All Might say?  What would Kirishima say?  What would Deku say?

What would you say?

“You never told me:  Why did you agree to go on that raid?”

There was a moment of pause before you turned and glanced over your shoulder at him.  There was a confused expression on your face, your eyes scanning him to try and figure out just what he was playing at.  “I told you why I wanted to be a hero.”  It was a challenge.  Stay and face this.  “Now tell me why you went on that stupid raid.”

“Don’t get too worked up about this.”  Mr. Aizawa - no, Eraserhead - had said.  “The Big Three are one thing:  They’re strong enough to hold their own out there with the Pros.”  He called you all out by name.  Asui, Uraraka, Kirishima and you.  “You didn’t volunteer for this and you’re not obligated to participate.  It’s your call.”

It had been your call.  Your decision.  The Pros wouldn’t have shoved you into a situation you weren’t ready for.  The four of you had known that it was not necessary for you to go above and beyond what you had already done.  It was going to be dangerous, and you needed to not only be physically capable, but mentally as well.  

You should have waited, weighed the odds, thought about it for a moment longer.  

Your call.  Your choice:  Save a little girl who was in danger or back down.  Be a Hero or refuse to answer the call.

Well...the choice was simple than wasn’t it?

You hadn’t been capable.  You screwed up.  Once again jumping deeper into a situation than you should have.  You weren’t like your friends.  

You weren’t like them at all.

“Mr. Ai- I mean, Eraserhead!  After everything we just heard, I can’t imagine not helping out, sir!”

Someone who could raise their head and keep it held high.  Who could look danger in the eye and refuse to back down.

“Yeah, if you’re going to let us be apart of this, I’d like to pitch in however I can!”

Who saw someone and danger and threw themselves into the line of fire.  Who reached out a hand and kept holding on, long past the last scrap of energy was gone. 

"If I can use my power to help that girl even a little bit, then count me in Eraserhead!”

They were heroes.  You weren’t like them.

You stood up, nodding earnestly.  Your look was stern, your eyes hard as you looked at Eraserhead.  You were equals - at least in this moment.  “Yeah,  heroes save people - so I’ll do my best to make sure that girl is safe!”

You could feel Bakugou’s eyes pick you apart and put you back together.  Looking at him made you sick, made you want to crawl into yourself and rot.  But...with a soft sigh, your eyes casted up, trying to keep the tears from falling again.  You had thought you had done all your crying.  God, his face in the dark was a slight comfort.  His eyes practically glowed in the low light of the common room.  His dark t-shirt hung around his shoulders, his hair was a wild mess, sticking up in every direction.  And he just watched you.  No malice, no rage, just...waiting.  

Waiting for your answer.  

Why did you agree to join the raid?

To save that little girl.  Because that’s what heroes do. 

But...

“After my fight with Deku, you sat with me.  You didn’t have to do that either. So why?”

Arms gripping your hoodie, squeezing you for dear life.  His whole body trembled under your touch.  Tears as he begged for forgiveness that you couldn’t give him.  But you wanted to - because it would mean his pain would be put at ease.  If you couldn’t give him what he needed, what he longed for, you would at least be there for a moment longer than the tears would fall.  You just needed him to know he wasn’t alone.  You needed Katsuki Bakugou to know you were there for him, no matter what.

“And with the League attack?  You weren’t with Kirishima and them.  You went off on your own, to try and save me.  Why?”

They wouldn’t see how hard he worked.  How much he wanted to be a hero.  And if they hurt him, if he refused and the villains hurt him?  If they took that away from him…?  All of his hopes and dreams?

No.  No, you weren’t going to let that happen.  

You had to bite you lip to keep it from shaking.  Bakugou was listing off all your fuck ups as if they mattered.  As if they were helping his case.  As if they were something you should be proud of.  You considered telling him, making him aware that even in those moments, you still failed:  you got knocked out during the raid, during the fight with the villains, and that you hadn’t done much besides give him a hug in the kitchen.  You weren’t doing much.

Deep breath, look away.  His face was too much.  It was too honest, trying to grab at you and hold you still.  He could almost convince you that you did something besides hinder those who had a better chance of being a Hero.

“You do half the shit you do because you’re a good person.  You want to help people.”  Movement caused you to glance his way.  He turned to sit back down on the couch.  “As stupid as it is, I guess it’s pretty admirable.”

‘Pretty admirable’?  He - Katsuki Bakugou - thought it was admirable.  You opened your mouth, but after a long moment of silence found you had nothing to say, so you closed it again.  You hated that even without speaking, you were losing this fight.  “So does everyone else.”  You replied weakly.  It didn’t make you special.  It didn’t make you any different.

“That so?”

“Yeah.”

“Than wouldn’t that mean you belong here with all the other losers looking to be a Hero to protect people?”

Ding!

Behind you, the elevator opened.  

A soft gasp escaped your chest.  So...that’s what he was doing.  Leave it up to him to talk you around into a circle before shoving your argument back into your face...no, he hadn’t been nearly as harsh as you had expected.  He was speaking so softly to you, being as gentle as he knew how - which granted, wasn’t much, but appreciated none the less.  One shouldn’t look a gift explosion in the mouth.  

You looked at the elevator over your shoulder, stared at it’s open doors.  

You let them shut.

For the first time since that raid, you smiled.  Really, honestly smiled.  You set your bag down against the wall.  The walk back to the couch was the lightest you had felt in a long while.  You sat down next to him, resting your hands on your knees and one by one, you tapped your fingers against your skin.  With a deep breath, you felt your shoulders relaxed.  You weren’t surprised he was able to help.  “I guess...technically...using that logic...you’re not wrong.”

Bakugou scoffed, closing his eyes and tossing his head back.  “Of course I’m not wrong.”

You chuckled, shaking your head.  “How could I have ever thought to argue with you? Truly a futile effort to begin with.”

His smirk was quick, a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth before he grunted and looked away.  The prickly exterior he generally used to conceal himself was growing back into place and you couldn’t help but laugh.  You had been so wrapped up in your own bullshit that you almost forgot how much he made your heart skip.  As you looked over his profile, you realized that you were entirely thankful for Bakugou and not just in that moment.  You had been so stuck in your pit, sinking lower and lower that you didn’t think you’d ever get out of it.

But like everything, he broke the glass ceiling and shot through.  Only this time, he snatched you up and pulled your head to the surface.  Even if for a moment, you could breathe because he was holding your head above the water.  

You leaned over and bumped his shoulder with yours, nudging him warmly.  He ruined expectations again by waiting a moment before doing it back to you.  

He was so warm, his skin amazingly soft.  It lit your chest aflame and your cheeks grew pink - but you didn’t move.  The two of you leaned against each other but said nothing about it.  How did you find yourself here?  You had been close to him before but this was different in a way that didn’t seem to make any sort of sense.  And...you kind of like that it didn’t.  Because it didn’t have to.  You realized that sometimes, when it was just the two of you, as few as those “sometimes” may have been, you simply wanted it to just...be.  

You shouldn’t want to be so close to him, not now.  Would it be in poor taste?  Would he think less of you if he knew?  Did he know?  Did he feel the same way?  You were certain that if he looked over at you, looked into your eyes he would...at least see something.  You weren’t sure exactly what it was, but it was enough to cause your knees to knock and your chest to ache.  And you wondered if he would see how much your fingers longed to reach out and touch his body, draw him close and...  

But that didn’t matter.  Not now. 

You looked down at your hands.  If you...wanted to try...wanted to see if...this was something you could have, you would have to take the first leap.  Bakugou wasn’t going to do it.  He wasn’t going to be the one who dove head first.  But was now the perfect time?  Would there ever be a perfect time?  After having him strip your defenses, tear you down, build you back up - should you wait?

You spared another look, hoping that you might find confidence in his being.  

Your eyes met.  He was looking at you too.

No.  No, you weren’t waiting.  Katsuki Bakugou wasn’t someone you waited for.  If you were going to do this, see if he felt the same way you felt - all the crazy heart skips and lingering glances when the other wasn’t looking - you had to do this now.  

Gathering all your courage, you moved your hand and offered it to him.  His eyes tore away from your face then down at your open palm.  The universe held it’s breath, watched eagerly...as he slid his fingers between yours.  His calloused digits scratched at your skin lightly, his palms were a little clammy and...

Bakugou held you firm, grasping you tightly.  Desperate and scared and you remembered everything that lead you to this moment.

“That Bakugou kid likes you.”

Wild hair haloed in the setting sun peeking above the tops of overgrown trees.  Everyone around you disappears when his arms wrap around you.  He holds your hands, guiding the knife as he helps you chop.

“Out of all those losers, I was glad you were there.”

It felt like something was dragging you to him, tugging your body towards his.  He wasn’t stopping you, he wasn’t yelling or screaming or pushing you away.  He just watched, eyes narrowed and darkened under his hair.  Was he waiting to see what you would do?  Was he too scared to move on his own?  You reached out, gliding your fingers over his sandy blonde locks and brushing them out of the way so you could see his face.  Fingertips drifted down and over his cheek, trying to offer the same warmth he filled you with.  

Defiantly, a daring look in his eye, he pressed his cheek into your hand.  If you’re going to do this, then mean it.  Everything about him made you want to scream, drove you mad.  He always fought - and you saw now, that this whole time...he was fighting for you.  Fighting to let you know.  Had you been so entirely blind all this time?  

You wanted to say something, to let him know that you saw.  But words were wrong, thin, pointless and empty.  Nothing you could say would ever be enough to let him know how you felt.  So you would give all of you and hope that it was enough for him.

Without waiting another moment, you pressed your lips to his.  It was a deep and heavy action, one that he met with passion only he could muster.  You closed your eyes and lost yourself into his taste, the heat of his lips, his very presence.  It was a rush, one that sent you spinning - derailed all train of thought.  All that mattered was him.  All that lived in this universe was you and him.

His arm snaked around your waist, pulling you up and over him and you were happy to follow.  You didn’t dare break away, to lose the contact that you obviously both had been longing for.  Your fingers found their way into his hair, twisting and tangling.  Never once did he pull away - quite the opposite.  He met you, every press of your lips, every motion of want and desire, laid bare in front of both of you.  And as you felt his finger graze over the skin on your back, dipping under your dress shirt to set the nerves there on fire, you realized both of you were utter fools.

It’s an awful thing: knowing you’re not enough.  Wanting something so badly, but no matter how much you long for it, it still slips through your grasp.  Of knowing that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome.

He should have stayed in his dorm.  He should have never looked at his phone.  He should have never told you about Bakugou.  

He should have never let you get so close.  

It was by chance he glanced at the window looking into the common room, hand poised in front of the door.  At first, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking at - two shadowed masses, one on top of the other.  But then, he saw your face.  His heart wrenched when you pulled away from Bakugou.  A scream locked in his throat the way you smiled at him, soft and loving.  He hated the look in your eyes as you ran your thumb over his lips, as he slid his fingers into your hair to pull you back for more. 

Something Shinsou couldn’t have.  Someone he wasn’t enough for.

He didn’t linger on the steps for too long.  He feared you would see him and then - then you would have to talk.  He wasn’t sure he would be able to handle that, not with Bakugou behind you.  

The walk back to the dorm was a long one and he was surprised he made it into his room without incident.  It was late enough though, most of his classmates were asleep and the rest had retired to their rooms.  No one knew he was gone.  His mind was utterly blank until the locked clicked shut.

He didn’t realize he had punched the wall until his hand pulled back, sliced open.  Blood pooled and ran down his arm.  But it wasn’t enough.  It didn’t stop him from replaying that scene in his head over and over again.  The way you two were looking at each other, the soft touches, gentle smiles...

He slumped to the floor and let out one pitiful sob.  

What was he supposed to do now?

Author’s Note:  I honestly watched Cats the 2019 musical and then wrote Shinsou’s part because I’ve been having a pretty good week honestly so I wasn’t in the headspace for honest disappointment.  

I just needed something to remind me that happiness is fleeting and something terrible and awful will usually come and destroy what you know and love most in this world.  Drag your joy through the mud until the only thing left is a shell of what once was.

...who let’s Hooper direct shit?

Anyway.  I do think I’m going to lead into a part 4 for this one.  I don’t know.  I’ll let you guys decide if you want something more lol since I’m interested in continuing it.  Especially given the newer chapters. 

Also eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, kissing scene.  First real one on this blog anyway and not a kiss mentioned in passing.  And look, it only took me a year or so to do it. :)  I’m a fantastic mod of this blog who gives people what they want and doesn’t focus on stupid shit in the slightest why are you guys here you should have left me on the street corner where I was standing

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