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britcision · 3 months ago

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Guess who got to fuck with the party all session in my creepy little swamp town that was actually totally fine

I scared the hell outta the party all the badasses kept trying to run away they didn’t even want to rescue the sacrifice it was soooo funny

So.

I stole the Trawler Man from the Silt Verses (excellent horror podcast 10/10 recommend) and the Bread Christ from here and had a whole adventure

The party had just finished their first big backstory quest, killing the hag who cursed the ranger’s brother into a direwolf, so they just had a couple sessions going through a spooky swamp

On the way out they crossed a river to find a spooky little swamp town, where all the kids came out to stare because New People

And the mayor came down to say hello and welcome travellers you have chosen such a good day to visit our town! It’s the River Rising festival and there’s a feast and sacrifices if you wanna stay :D

(Heads went Up)

(Both clerics rolled high enough to see two people carrying a long heavy bundle around a corner)

No further questions. The rest of the party caused a diversion by getting the adults to lead them to the inn while the clerics snuck off alone

(Splitting the party, great idea)

The ranger, bard, rogue, and ranger’s twin the former direwolf went upstairs with the enthusiastic inn keeper for special spa treatments that are on cheap because of the festival :)

Warlock went to “rest” and spy on the town through familiars

Barbarian who insists everything is fine went for a walk to try and get the others to calm down

Back to the clerics: they follow the bundle to an unlocked building and go inside to find lots of food and stuff being readied for the festival. Couldn’t find the right bundle before other people came in with a big heavy chest

Witnesses left, spotting the warlock’s familiar on the way out and alerting the clerics it was there. Clerics stealth boost the familiar, and tell the warlock to follow the people who brought the box

They then try to break into the box using the elf’s knife, because neither of them are rogues or have any lock picking abilities

(I had to pause them to go look up knife hit points when they decided the best idea to open a heavy, sealed box with an ornately carved flat plate instead of a lock was to force the knife in the crack and hit it with the mace when it did not move

I warned them they would break the knife before it worked. They insisted on doing it anyway.)

Back at the spa, everyone’s getting massages and nibbles and compliments on how soft their skin is :)

Barbarian’s having a lovely time in town, everyone is very nice and welcoming… until she sees a young elf dressed in flowing white surrounded by a gaggle of other young people all laughing and dancing and tossing flowers, keeping the white out of the ambient mud

(Elf looks a little reticent and is notably quieter)

Barbarian. Asks a question. Is told that’s the River Bride, part of the ceremony tonight

No further questions, the barbarian is freaking the fuck out and goes to find the others… not asking what that means

Clerics finally do a check on the symbol on the chest… and learn it’s the Church of Tide and Flesh (I love that podcast so much)

Key phrases: “the river rises”, a greeting the barbarian had heard a lot… and “A god must feed, a god must be fed.”

Nope nope nope they also wanna leave town at speed, hurrying away and nearly collide with the barbarian, but neatly scoop her into the speed walking

(Barbarian will not let go of either of them)

Warlock’s lost half the chest carriers but the other two are just going around picking up stuff for the feast

Party reconvenes and hurries upstairs to tell the spa date that It Is Time To Leave Town Now

Spa date are not convinced it’s been a little weird (lots of free snacks and fancy oils) but not run away weird

Bard thinks everything is super normal he’s a little weirdo

The party goes to get redressed and explains all the spooky they found

The entire outside portion except the elf cleric wanna just cut and run and get the fuck outta there as fast as possible

Elf cleric points out “well what about the sacrifice”

Party convenes and cast Zone of Truth to ask the innkeeper about the ceremony and are told “yup we have songs and food and make sacrifices and then the River Bride goes into the water and we see the next morning if they were taken”

No further questions, literally one word away from the most important piece that woulda made it all make sense

They left all their stuff at the river, so back they go right through the celebrations to leave… and see that long bundle on a table at the front

Kid runs to try and grab something from inside it and is chastened

Changeling cleric remembers she can go invisible and also goes Feral

Rolls a string of 10-and-under to try and sneak through the main part of the feast tables to the bundle, including a 3 investigation check to look at it

Hits a kid. Hits two of the people going to comfort the kid, taking all three of them down. Finally breaks free, gets to the head of the table to confirm… yeah it’s a body shaped bundle

Party is making an exit while the warlock watches with “I told you so” energy

Changeling cleric goes for the bundle hole the kid went for

Nat 20 to get their fingers in

I tell them it’s warm and crusty

They ask to break a piece off

Okay, I say; mental DC to identify the piece set at 19 because it’s dark, loud, distracting, and she’s under heavy stress

Her investigation is a -2

Rolls a 17

“It’s a toe. There’s no blood, and there’s something wrong with it. Do you stop to look?”

“Nope I throw it in my bag and run”

Evil glee. So much evil glee

Changeling cleric reaches the party on their house boat before they get out of town, leaps aboard and yeets their bag at the wall screaming

Everyone comes out to look, elf cleric comforts changeling cleric who is hysterical over this toe

Bard grabs the bag and looks in

Barbarian arrives from inside the house boat and asks for the bag

Bard instinctively clutches it tighter. And smells bread.

Barbarian tries to get the bag off him, changeling cleric bemoans the gross toe she touched

Bard stares her dead in the eye, pulls out the toe, fails a self-check against me whispering “eat it eat it eat it” in his ear

Throws it in his mouth and monches, then sticks his tongue out to show her crumbs

Changeling cleric. Stares at me. With hate.

So much evil glee.

Warlock sends her familiar back to watch the festival.

Starts with some songs and a speech about the first great sacrifice, the sacrifice the Trawler Man gives to them.

Men lower the mystery bundle and the children descend, revealing the bread man and tearing him apart to show his raspberry jam innards and dip their bread in

Warlock notes they may have been hasty

Bard grumbles about missing out on bread

Barbarian and changeling cleric insist the bread shaped like a person with fake blood is still super sinister, Actually

Warlock keeps watching. The feast begins with everyone adding something to a big ol stewing pot, then filling plates with the rest of the food while it cooks. Party eats cold rations

Stew is distributed, and the big chest is brought out and opened for sacrifices. People line up, more offering than not, and put in things like jam and jewellery and things they made themselves. A couple parents pretend to swing their small children up and in, children giggling and protesting heavily, then dropping the real sacrifice

Marjorie the aarakocra is being Extra again and offers a fan of her own feathers. Tacky bitch

Last guy waits til no one but the warlock’s familiar is watching, presses a hand to his heart and then to the inside of the chest, asking to sacrifice his pain, and if the Trawler Man takes it he’ll go to his garden

Warlock notes again, this is much less sinister than expected

But now it’s time for the river bride! Here come the dancing attendants, no longer holding the white dress out of the mud as the bride walks to the edge and steps out knee deep among floating baskets of other sacrifices. They hold two poles, and a cloak the colour of the river is wrapped around them to hide the white

Ceremony is performed, a gnarled and elderly halfling lady talking about the importance of sacrifice and giving of oneself for others

One of the attendants sneaks the bride a last drink, then all go back to the party to dance around the bonfires

Eventually the party ends, the halfling lady goes out to offer a last word to the bride and leaves too

Party “sneaks” back down the river through the fog so very poorly. Two natural 1s so we take a brief dip into the bride’s perspective of being cold and alone in the dark and the fog and then splashing and voices and the elf cleric goes HELLO THERE

Warlock asks if they’re out there of their own free will or are they being kidnapped and sacrificed and do they need rescuing?

Finally. The important question.

Bride is utterly confused and says the important part they all missed: “you can’t sacrifice something which doesn’t belong to you”

Party goes quiet

Then finally more questions

Bride explains about the ceremony and their part and actually it’s a lot less exciting than they thought it would be and it’s cold and dark and things are walking on them and it’s probably been long enough, right? You didn’t hear anyone else coming?

Nope

Okay cool untie me it is time for bed they’re giving up on being a sacrifice

And listen. On the one hand, I REALLY wanted them to stay for the feast, and be asked to give something to the pot and the chest. I really did. Or to try and make a rescue attempt and work it all out sooner. Or just ask one more question…

But they chickened out, so they also missed a couple other things:

1) River Bride is actually gender neutral this bride is nonbinary but “bride” rhymes with “tide” and “wide” and “abide” and lots of good river words, and “groom” rhymes with shit like “broom” and “doom” and is just depressing

2) one of the Trawler Man’s festivals in the actual podcast is the Fiddler Crab’s Feast, where they start by each breaking the leg off a cooked crab and offering it to the person beside them, saying “my flesh to your teeth”

Bard is known for biting and woulda been ecstatic if they’d actually gone to the feast

3) bard coulda also passed for a kid to join the descent on the bread man, he’s a Small creature and very sweet. Also dressed in white like the bride

Overall it was still good fun and I had a lovely time, especially since the bard’s asked for dibs on the halloween oneshot this year so I won’t be doing a spooky special and had to get all my spooky out early

I’d like to say it’ll teach ‘em not to ask questions, buuuuuuuuuut they’ve known me for years and really shoulda known by now 😈

#big gay dnd problems #pasha’s paw patrol #spooky september #the silt verses #seriously go listen to it it’s 1000% everything the party was expecting me to do and more #bread christ #i had to add him i had to #no regrets #teach them to trust their expectations of what i’ll do #i will always find something weirder

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year ago

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edging to the top 100 list wont be able to finish until you make it to number one </3

yeah i got you bro DONT YOU WORRY o7

100. the little ridge on his nose

99. his moles from y3 <3

98. his moles from y7 <3

97. how round his head is during the ps3 era

96. how spikier his hair was in the original y2

95. that fuckin puffer From Y2

94. his weird grunting and moaning after he gets tied up in y2

93. how his immediate concern after gettin tied up is to get maccas

92. baby daigo's dumbass lil bow tie

91. baby daigo's dumbass lil bowlcut

90. how crusty he looks in y5

89. his lucky gun

88. how he didnt want to bring his lucky gun to the brawl with ryuji. and got arrested for firearms possession anyway

87. his reptile dress shoes as chairman <3

86. the fine lines on his chairman suit

85. his tie that sometimes looks like a brassy green but its actually supposed to be silver but the green looks better on him anyway

84. how malnourished he looks in comparison to shinada when they brawl on the roof

83. the sad lost-dog reaction he gets to kiryu in gaiden

82. his sassy I Told You So moment in gaiden

81. his goofy lil fisherman outfit

80. his leather jacket //miku_emote//

79. his stray hairs for when his slicked-back hair gets messy :))

78. his voice. enough said.

77. not enough said tho how he never raises his voice above two decibels <3

76. his dedication to the tojo even if they bully him every three seconds

75. how he chose to not open the bottle mine left for him because it wouldnt be the same without him there to share it

74. his laugh that can only be heard in cut content <3<3<3<3

73. the complicated feelings he has about his worthiness as a leader and wanting to live up to kiryus standards

72. how he managed to Not Die in the thirteensome years he was as chairman

71. his thuggish fighting style <3<3<3<3

70. the progression of his character from being whiny brat to realizing His Whining is a result of parental neglect and how he sincerely wants friends in y0 to how he grows into a man so tired of everyone around him after his dad is killed and now he wants to be shut off and left alone because he's lost hope in people as a whole in y2 to becoming a man that cares so much about the people he was forced to care for by his only real father figure who he idolizes so much and how he struggled to accept that role not just as a mantle he was competent to carry but how his anger from his previous misanthropy nearly jeopardized his succession and how he had to learn to overcome it

69. his huge penis

68. he's good with kids

67. how he's so proud to refer to kiryu as his father and respects kiryu's wishes to not go to war over him (even if kiryu self admittedly has been cringe at being a father figure to him)

66. how there's a pocket circuit trophy with his name on it

65. how he says banzai <3<3<3<3

64. how he used to be belligerent during y2 but now it takes more to get a rise out of him

63. his stubble <3<3<3

62. the little frown line in the center of his nose ridge and his eyebrows

61. his berry-banger shade lips <3

60. his grumpy little frown and perpetually stern expression

59. how his sideburns have a sort of feather-out look to them

58. the way his cheeks are round like his mom's (and how he look like his momma in general)

57. the shape of his eyebrows and how they end in a point Like That

56. the little buckle on his shoes in y2

55. overall his berries-and-cream-looking-ass outfit from y0

54. how he knows it's kiryu driving his taxi even if he's wearing sunglasses and a mask and doesnt say a word to him

53. his terrible tendency to prioritize kiryus needs over the tojo's

52. how he sent mine to okinawa to look after kiryu (bonus points for summer mine :miku_emote:)

51. how he invited mine to a date drink at the bar, laughed at his joke, asked him if he was single, and then snuck out through a bathroom window all because he thought kiryu was in danger

50. his ability to take criticism and even valuing it and not wanting people to mindlessly follow him

49. his glower in that One Frame in the rain from that pre-fight cutscene with him in y2 you know the one

48. how he got mad at ryuji after he was asked out on a takoyaki date

47. how he's touched by the fact that mine bought a share in every taxi company in kamurocho just to find him

46. how even with his hair slicked back as chairman it still looks so soft

45. daigo's goofy ass smile he gives kiryu in y3

44. god help me the small smile he gives mine moments before mine decides to kill himself

43. how daigo was more concerned about mine's safety than why exactly he was on the rooftop in the first place

42. how even though daigo was upset with mine and kanda's scheming that didn't stop daigo from not only giving away billions of yen but also taking a bullet for mine even when mine was green to the clan at the time

41. the lil 'text' updates you get from him in rggo thanking you and saying you're helping the clan be better <3

40. how daigo not only helped the schoolkids with their raffle event and deal with gangsters but also personally attended and made sure everyone was havin a good time

39. to add on to him barely yelling (sins the time when mine jumped off the roof </3</3 and when he shouts banzai <3) when he interrupts people he still doesnt yell and sounds so calm while doing it

38. his decision to '''''''disband''''''''' the tojo clan despite how hard he fought for it in kiryus name

37. how he considered the lives of the yakuza and what would happen to them, making sure they had a safety net in the security company before going through with the plan

36. how he was able to play the long game and use his decision to disband the tojo to his advantage in the first place and fuck over aoki's own plans even if it meant hiding out for twosome years

35. how he canonically gives 'i'm not mad i'm just disappointed' lectures

34. how daigo sits legs spread while kiryu sits Respectfully in the seiza position during their visit to the omi and he looks like a grumpy teenager being dragged to a parent/teacher conference

33. how daigo acknowledges his reckless behavior by the end of y2 and now wants to do better for kamurocho

32. daigo's very blink-and-you-miss-it moments where he's a snarky little shit

31. the shade of brown his eyes are and how they arent totally pitch black

30. his sassy little hand-on-hip pose he does for his poundmate summon

29. the necromancy

28. how he just looks miserable during his introduction scene at the cabaret when he's supposed to Allegedly be a party animal

27. the cute lil outfit he wore for the dead souls substory <3

26. that render of him with the shotgun and he's not even holding the handle

25. his goofy ass 'wauUUGGH' he makes when you hit him because He Never Raises His Voice so him getting hit sounds like the most unnatural thing possible

24. him having such a dramatic intro in y5 (and genuinely being one of my fave intros to a game in the franchise) only for us to find out he just wanted to help a homie out with some cash

23. him willing to go to juvie For Said Homie and the team so him and their baseball team could achieve their dreams

22. the disappointed mother energy in him having to tell shinada not to announce to the entirety of japan he's the tojo clan chairman

21. his impeccable accuracy

20. how he has no qualms with shooting or killing people

19. how he unloaded a whole clip into shindo after dude macks on his mom and only stopped shooting when kiryu told him to stop

18. daigo having the energy of an angry dog whenever ryuji's on screen and kept getting his shit rocked (bonus points for ryuji not remembering tits about him)

17. his silly little fists-on-hips pose he does when you take a selfie with him in yk2

16. how he was concerned about mine's relationship with money and wanted to get closer with him without feeling like he was only interested in mine because of his money or other material possessions

15. the fact that Apparently he still puts his puffer on from time to time as chairman

14. his awful posture in dead souls, especially in comparison to how straight he stands later on

13. how he's so upfront with kiryu about how strong of an influence he was on him

12. the goofy as hell disguise he wears in y5

11. the lil blue hospital outfit he wears in y6 <3

10. his ability to draw people together

9. how you can bash him with noodles in a NG+ file on YK2. the way he flops over.. </3

8. him and haruka being cemented as kiryus kids by both of them being kidnapped in the same game

7. how even while daigo has a calm and empathetic demeanor he doesn't object to things such as yubitsume and he doesn't strictly follow the whole honor system going on in rgg

6. how his comment on being slaves under the government in y7 can be gleaned from the fact he was practically a slave to the police in y4 and following their whim. if not that just being a hilarious progression of circumstances

5. just how cool his tattoo is and the depth of the meaning to it.... (really such big bonus points for the fact a dragon there in addition to. Everything Else about it)

4. how he just gonna stand next to majima smiling and happy at the end of y4 as if he didnt throw him to the wolves (or the pigs ig GOTTEM)

3. how five seconds after he gets out of prison in 2017 for a fire he didnt commit he has to deal with tokyos new bitch ass governor cracking down on yakuza laws and As Aforementioned navigated that situation swimmingly

2. despite him being driven places for the most part he can still drive

1. his gargantuan balls (both metaphorically and physically)

#nsff #long post #christ gotta hit it with that TWICE #snap chats #anyway did that help you out bb did you finish <3 die #i hope your kfc gets bombarded with more bread

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