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britcision · 2 months ago

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Guess who got to fuck with the party all session in my creepy little swamp town that was actually totally fine

I scared the hell outta the party all the badasses kept trying to run away they didn’t even want to rescue the sacrifice it was soooo funny

So.

I stole the Trawler Man from the Silt Verses (excellent horror podcast 10/10 recommend) and the Bread Christ from here and had a whole adventure

The party had just finished their first big backstory quest, killing the hag who cursed the ranger’s brother into a direwolf, so they just had a couple sessions going through a spooky swamp

On the way out they crossed a river to find a spooky little swamp town, where all the kids came out to stare because New People

And the mayor came down to say hello and welcome travellers you have chosen such a good day to visit our town! It’s the River Rising festival and there’s a feast and sacrifices if you wanna stay :D

(Heads went Up)

(Both clerics rolled high enough to see two people carrying a long heavy bundle around a corner)

No further questions. The rest of the party caused a diversion by getting the adults to lead them to the inn while the clerics snuck off alone

(Splitting the party, great idea)

The ranger, bard, rogue, and ranger’s twin the former direwolf went upstairs with the enthusiastic inn keeper for special spa treatments that are on cheap because of the festival :)

Warlock went to “rest” and spy on the town through familiars

Barbarian who insists everything is fine went for a walk to try and get the others to calm down

Back to the clerics: they follow the bundle to an unlocked building and go inside to find lots of food and stuff being readied for the festival. Couldn’t find the right bundle before other people came in with a big heavy chest

Witnesses left, spotting the warlock’s familiar on the way out and alerting the clerics it was there. Clerics stealth boost the familiar, and tell the warlock to follow the people who brought the box

They then try to break into the box using the elf’s knife, because neither of them are rogues or have any lock picking abilities

(I had to pause them to go look up knife hit points when they decided the best idea to open a heavy, sealed box with an ornately carved flat plate instead of a lock was to force the knife in the crack and hit it with the mace when it did not move

I warned them they would break the knife before it worked. They insisted on doing it anyway.)

Back at the spa, everyone’s getting massages and nibbles and compliments on how soft their skin is :)

Barbarian’s having a lovely time in town, everyone is very nice and welcoming… until she sees a young elf dressed in flowing white surrounded by a gaggle of other young people all laughing and dancing and tossing flowers, keeping the white out of the ambient mud

(Elf looks a little reticent and is notably quieter)

Barbarian. Asks a question. Is told that’s the River Bride, part of the ceremony tonight

No further questions, the barbarian is freaking the fuck out and goes to find the others… not asking what that means

Clerics finally do a check on the symbol on the chest… and learn it’s the Church of Tide and Flesh (I love that podcast so much)

Key phrases: “the river rises”, a greeting the barbarian had heard a lot… and “A god must feed, a god must be fed.”

Nope nope nope they also wanna leave town at speed, hurrying away and nearly collide with the barbarian, but neatly scoop her into the speed walking

(Barbarian will not let go of either of them)

Warlock’s lost half the chest carriers but the other two are just going around picking up stuff for the feast

Party reconvenes and hurries upstairs to tell the spa date that It Is Time To Leave Town Now

Spa date are not convinced it’s been a little weird (lots of free snacks and fancy oils) but not run away weird

Bard thinks everything is super normal he’s a little weirdo

The party goes to get redressed and explains all the spooky they found

The entire outside portion except the elf cleric wanna just cut and run and get the fuck outta there as fast as possible

Elf cleric points out “well what about the sacrifice”

Party convenes and cast Zone of Truth to ask the innkeeper about the ceremony and are told “yup we have songs and food and make sacrifices and then the River Bride goes into the water and we see the next morning if they were taken”

No further questions, literally one word away from the most important piece that woulda made it all make sense

They left all their stuff at the river, so back they go right through the celebrations to leave… and see that long bundle on a table at the front

Kid runs to try and grab something from inside it and is chastened

Changeling cleric remembers she can go invisible and also goes Feral

Rolls a string of 10-and-under to try and sneak through the main part of the feast tables to the bundle, including a 3 investigation check to look at it

Hits a kid. Hits two of the people going to comfort the kid, taking all three of them down. Finally breaks free, gets to the head of the table to confirm… yeah it’s a body shaped bundle

Party is making an exit while the warlock watches with “I told you so” energy

Changeling cleric goes for the bundle hole the kid went for

Nat 20 to get their fingers in

I tell them it’s warm and crusty

They ask to break a piece off

Okay, I say; mental DC to identify the piece set at 19 because it’s dark, loud, distracting, and she’s under heavy stress

Her investigation is a -2

Rolls a 17

“It’s a toe. There’s no blood, and there’s something wrong with it. Do you stop to look?”

“Nope I throw it in my bag and run”

Evil glee. So much evil glee

Changeling cleric reaches the party on their house boat before they get out of town, leaps aboard and yeets their bag at the wall screaming

Everyone comes out to look, elf cleric comforts changeling cleric who is hysterical over this toe

Bard grabs the bag and looks in

Barbarian arrives from inside the house boat and asks for the bag

Bard instinctively clutches it tighter. And smells bread.

Barbarian tries to get the bag off him, changeling cleric bemoans the gross toe she touched

Bard stares her dead in the eye, pulls out the toe, fails a self-check against me whispering “eat it eat it eat it” in his ear

Throws it in his mouth and monches, then sticks his tongue out to show her crumbs

Changeling cleric. Stares at me. With hate.

So much evil glee.

Warlock sends her familiar back to watch the festival.

Starts with some songs and a speech about the first great sacrifice, the sacrifice the Trawler Man gives to them.

Men lower the mystery bundle and the children descend, revealing the bread man and tearing him apart to show his raspberry jam innards and dip their bread in

Warlock notes they may have been hasty

Bard grumbles about missing out on bread

Barbarian and changeling cleric insist the bread shaped like a person with fake blood is still super sinister, Actually

Warlock keeps watching. The feast begins with everyone adding something to a big ol stewing pot, then filling plates with the rest of the food while it cooks. Party eats cold rations

Stew is distributed, and the big chest is brought out and opened for sacrifices. People line up, more offering than not, and put in things like jam and jewellery and things they made themselves. A couple parents pretend to swing their small children up and in, children giggling and protesting heavily, then dropping the real sacrifice

Marjorie the aarakocra is being Extra again and offers a fan of her own feathers. Tacky bitch

Last guy waits til no one but the warlock’s familiar is watching, presses a hand to his heart and then to the inside of the chest, asking to sacrifice his pain, and if the Trawler Man takes it he’ll go to his garden

Warlock notes again, this is much less sinister than expected

But now it’s time for the river bride! Here come the dancing attendants, no longer holding the white dress out of the mud as the bride walks to the edge and steps out knee deep among floating baskets of other sacrifices. They hold two poles, and a cloak the colour of the river is wrapped around them to hide the white

Ceremony is performed, a gnarled and elderly halfling lady talking about the importance of sacrifice and giving of oneself for others

One of the attendants sneaks the bride a last drink, then all go back to the party to dance around the bonfires

Eventually the party ends, the halfling lady goes out to offer a last word to the bride and leaves too

Party “sneaks” back down the river through the fog so very poorly. Two natural 1s so we take a brief dip into the bride’s perspective of being cold and alone in the dark and the fog and then splashing and voices and the elf cleric goes HELLO THERE

Warlock asks if they’re out there of their own free will or are they being kidnapped and sacrificed and do they need rescuing?

Finally. The important question.

Bride is utterly confused and says the important part they all missed: “you can’t sacrifice something which doesn’t belong to you”

Party goes quiet

Then finally more questions

Bride explains about the ceremony and their part and actually it’s a lot less exciting than they thought it would be and it’s cold and dark and things are walking on them and it’s probably been long enough, right? You didn’t hear anyone else coming?

Nope

Okay cool untie me it is time for bed they’re giving up on being a sacrifice

And listen. On the one hand, I REALLY wanted them to stay for the feast, and be asked to give something to the pot and the chest. I really did. Or to try and make a rescue attempt and work it all out sooner. Or just ask one more question…

But they chickened out, so they also missed a couple other things:

1) River Bride is actually gender neutral this bride is nonbinary but “bride” rhymes with “tide” and “wide” and “abide” and lots of good river words, and “groom” rhymes with shit like “broom” and “doom” and is just depressing

2) one of the Trawler Man’s festivals in the actual podcast is the Fiddler Crab’s Feast, where they start by each breaking the leg off a cooked crab and offering it to the person beside them, saying “my flesh to your teeth”

Bard is known for biting and woulda been ecstatic if they’d actually gone to the feast

3) bard coulda also passed for a kid to join the descent on the bread man, he’s a Small creature and very sweet. Also dressed in white like the bride

Overall it was still good fun and I had a lovely time, especially since the bard’s asked for dibs on the halloween oneshot this year so I won’t be doing a spooky special and had to get all my spooky out early

I’d like to say it’ll teach ‘em not to ask questions, buuuuuuuuuut they’ve known me for years and really shoulda known by now 😈

#big gay dnd problems #pasha’s paw patrol #spooky september #the silt verses #seriously go listen to it it’s 1000% everything the party was expecting me to do and more #bread christ #i had to add him i had to #no regrets #teach them to trust their expectations of what i’ll do #i will always find something weirder

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