#brains is just talking to themself
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Soooo who wants to theorise with me that the "Sentinel tip-off hotline" that the caterer rang in episode 15 are the same group of people that gunned down the "volunteers" and burned down the charity shop in episode 7?
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It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary It's temporary
Is it...
YES
It has to...
We're so tired of this
It'll be over soon
Are you sure?
Dad said it'll be over soon
Fable says a lot if things
Yeah and?
Better than Enderian who ignored us I suppose
Not you too
What don't tell me the similarities aren't blaring us in the face right now: killing a friend to appease a god
shut up...
not even carrying out their will just doing it for the prospect of praise for taking initiative
Shut Up-
how much more blood must spill before we realize that the gods are just using us-
SHUT UP!
I KNOW OK! I know...
Then what are we still doing here?
Getting Them Back
You don't really believe Fable can pull this off
I have to
Why?
Because... Because I don't have any else anymore ok!
We have Rae
Rae doesn't want me not after today
Maybe... yet our baby brother has shown he is far more forgiving than we give him credit for
I said no that's final
...
...
You look tired
Oh wow your real observant today
You should get some rest
Yeah yeah
....
I miss when I was you
I don't think we were ever really just me
Yeah...
Your important too you know that right
... your right I am tired
#oh em gee they talk to themself#teehee#random writer brain#today's lore go brrrrrr#fable smp#the psychology of icarus morningstar consumes my brain#its Icarus Morningstar if you couldn't tell#i just think they're neat#i go abababababa
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ughh my anxiety got so much worse recently and idk what to do about itt sorry I gotta vent in here cause google ain't helping horrible amount of tmi warning ig....
#im like constantly entering rooms and scared I'm going to find someone died or inkeep thinking someone has killed themself and it's fucking#exhausting and it's just so scary like i can barely enter a room or walk down the stairs without bracing myself for like#the sight of someone lying on the floor or whatever it just brings me so much distress#and i guess it's just like a sick combination of my intrusive thoughts too cause#i have thoughts of this as well as someone trying to kill me or attack me so im just going through world#getting random thoughts that someone isbgoing to suddenly drive their car into me or jump me or whatever#nad godni knowww it's not real but it's just fucking so much with my brain im literally exhausted from the amount#of distress im going through#and it's not like anything has happened recently that's related it's just that my brain is fucked I've always had these thoughts like for#years and years and years it's just worse rn ughhhh#like I feel like this is such an exaggerated fear it's almost comical like i would really open doors to rooms#and think members of my family would be dead and dangling off the ceiling -_-#yeah alright I feel bad even posting this but I can't talk about it to anyone so. uhh
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Shout out to the people with flabby arms I love you so much
#i used to be upset with my arms but my big brain said#no! no more hate!! these arms are perfect and normal!!#its hard to love yourself but when you start talking to your negativity like its someone else things start to get better#i can gently talk to myself as if i were talking to someone else who said a negative thing about themself#of course this doesn't work for everyone but it works for me so I'll share this in case someone else wants to try it#i still have my bad days and this process is so slow#but when i look back over the years i see how far I've come and its so worth it#just that little bit of effort#anyway all bodies are beautiful and deserve love#ren won't shut up#i am constantly emotional and that can be a good thing or a bad this#in this case its good yayy
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when you read a fic that gives you a hyper-specific whump scenario that you know would either A.) take forever to find in another story or B.) hasn't been written at all so the obvious conclusion is that you have to write it yourself
#whump meme#~my stuff~#my brain hates me sometimes lmao#i just want a story where two characters are stuck in a broken down car in the middle of winter and having an argument#which leads to one stomping outside in some petty attempt to 'find help' while the other person doesn't realize#what is happening at first. they think their friend is just taking a quick second to catch their thoughts. not the best idea in a snow stor#but the other option is them tearing each others heads off so a little separation is fine. but then their friend starts walking away#and keeps going. so now they have to chase after them to corral them back into the car#because yeah its broken but its still somewhat warm unlike this suicide mission you are attempting!!#and then theres a big blow up because they have kinda been the shit-stirrer so their friend just is#im fixing it!! im being not annoying/useless/something related to whatever they were arguing about!!#so now they get slapped in the face with the fact that they've been taking out their bad day/week on their friend#who was simply being themself and trying to cheer them up/be nice#and when they eventually get back in the car the friend now feels like shit because they not only wasted heat from the car#but they also dragged their friend outside just bcuz they were being a brat so didn't they just prove the other person's point?#so now the two are just in a guilt huddle apologizing for being idiots as they inevitably wait for their rescue#bonus points if the rescue involves their rescuers trying to separate them and the other person just *refuses* to let their friend go#because they have a need to keep the first person warm after feeling like they essentially forced them out into the cold#is that too much to ask?? (i could turn this into an A talks to B scenario... also thinking about my OCs but when am i not lol)
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I wish I could put you all in my head for like 5 minutes so you can absorb all of my thoughts and feelings on iovita's gender and then I could pull you back out and we could both nod and shake hands
#⌜❝ 𝚃𝙱𝙳. so long. good luck. goodbye. ❞ ⌟#I am only saying this because I have the WORST time articulating it and I LIKE to talk about it#but it's a (mostly) direct reflection of my own and my feelings on that involve a lot of wordless noises and vague gesturing#and informing you that certain things make me feel like a deep dark disgusting pit has opened in my chest blah blah blah#if you stay in there just a little longer I could show you the animations I make up in my head to certain songs?#and then we could nod and shake hands again etc etc#idk I just!#io................#io is.#that's it ig#they sway towards feminine descriptors for themself a lot because it's an 'opposite' to an outside perspective#[which is an opposite of how I do it. I like to pick masculine descriptors for myself for the same reason]#feminine descriptors and a masculine clothing style and full makeup makes the brain go brrr#and it's their default u know#but io will absolutely play it more feminine clothing/style wise sometimes in a way that still shows /something/ masculine about themself#the way they sit/stand/act/reveal#io plays with gender like it's sculpting clay#but they genuinely just#don't want to be anything#yknow?#me and io shaking hands about desiring just Not Existing. Actually. but still existing#not perception no body just The Person#RAHHHHH this is why I need to be able to put u all in my brain rq#anyway. had a gender crisis myself this evening. how are we doin#do i tag this#what do i tag this#ask to tag#?#i also think that io's relationship with gender is very human and also very inhuman together#because they at their core aren't really human. but the humanity of it. is important.
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General oc talkkkk
I feel like i have to Do something with al once i take him off the shelf again (when my brain lets go of talon for another few months), ive been motivated to draw talon because he sits in my brain and i imagine interactions but it's much harder with al since al has been around for 10 years or more...and Al has like. Less conflict? In the sense of him just being a nice kind guy with regular human issues in a normal human world (or cow with regular individual issues in a normal furry world lol) ykwim?
Like. Talon is exaggerated he's a caricature of feelings to play with he's got lots of internal contradictions... and outside of that the whole Setting is easy to play with too, like, he's a vampire and those elements are more fun to think about and incorporate and build up in a way that requires a bit more brainpower of the fun variety (can make shit up) than Just a Regular Guy (has to be nore realistic, less fun to research), but less brainpower than, say, my abandoned Space Ocs where it was way harder for me to just make shit up, and way more to make shit up about (not as fun for me)
Idk! Its easy to imagine Talon in interactions, including ones with Al, or just self exploring dialogue....
Other than cute interactions between al and smunker its a lot harder to find stuff with him...he's a guy living in our regular world... his life has been fairly normal and he's good and nice. And i wouldnt change any of those things just to change em but there's less conflict other than the usual internal stuff all humans experience. I think if he wasnt my imaginary bf I would have shelved him more permanently like the oc group he came with...
There's something about how i very rarely make ocs, he's technically my oldest oc and talon is my newest oc, talon is what i Feel making ocs should feel like. And he's only over a year old. And he's still not even what I would call a well written character in any capacity. And yet i dont think i could very easily replicate this again ykwim. Im so bad at writing, and ..... creating....! Idk how people do any of it....i just wanna extend my ocs lives and my interest in them forever...
#talkys#long post#thinking also about how my friend said maybe id fare better if i didnt wait for my ocs to sort of fester in my brain to write them#bc thats how i do it...ive only been getting talon ideas because i talk to him all day in different scenarios i havent been able to exhaust#bc he's brand new#al's like. set in stone theres not much to draw because i just replay scenarios now. stagnated#i fear talon will get to a point like that too#like my brain will Fix Him and Therapize him and it wont be able to go back to the conflict he had Before that#so i wont play with him anymore...ykwim?#but i dont KNOW how to just make a character without having them show themself around in my brain#i barely even know how to make one in the way i do it now#bc i dont make ocs...bc i dont understand how to do Good Concept‚ Conflict‚ AND flesh em out#cause i got concepts for my space ocs. not complete ones but they have blurbs#ive never been able to get them to interact with me or each other in my brain though so idk anything about them#nor have i cared enough to draw them more#nor would i be able to think of scenarios#ykwim...?#its weird#ugh. maybe i am meant to just be a commission artist‚ im no good at any other niche#i got the worst Roll....#wish i had a brain...okay well im going to sleep neow goodnite
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...
WHO THE FUCK WAS GONNA TELL ME THAT GBA IS ON TUMBLR???
THANK FUCK I DIDNT POST THE FICS I HAVE SITTING IN MY DRAFTS WTFFFFFF
Edit: He doesn’t have anon on for his asks, im gonna cry
#messy rambles#guess my favorite swear#u wont#no balls#hehe#get it#do u get the reference#pls tell me u get the reference#pls#edit:#i was gonna send a ty for helping me make it through the stress of this month#with his content#but his asks arent anon#and talking to the VAs themself#that directly#scares me#so i wanted to use anon#but he doesnt have anon on#so i couldnt#and now i just have words floating in my brain#its gonna keep me up#if insomnia doesnt anyway#i put the messy rambles tag on here#so you cant act surprised when i ramble#even in the tags#goodboyaudios#gba#good boy audios#<-- adding that so no one else gets jumpscared#by seeing his account in recommended accounts
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the fact that Chara's big plan to destroy the barrier involved them committing suicide…
like, killing themself for "the greater good"… and it didn't even work, either…
if anything it made things worse. because it made Asgore want to declare war on all humans. it caused Flowey to exist and caused mass murder on multiple resets.
and this isn't me blaming Chara for that. this is me saying that their suicide didn't improve anything. killing themself was a horrible idea with massive consequences. they didn't need to die, they didn't deserve to die and dying did not fix anything.
I don't understand how anyone sees them as a villain really…
#sorry I'm stupid and brainfogged right now#not feeling good and having random thoughts#the fact that they got Asriel to agree on that plan too#it’s so fucking sad#hhhhhh#I know people have talked about this backstory a million times I'm just#idk it's in my brain#I don't see Chara as worse than Asriel#and while I don't think either of them did the right thing I also don't blame either of them#and I don't see them as villains#especially not Chara#like what was their big villainous act? dying? watching someone commit genocide?#I'm going to. explode.#idk I'm kinda dumb right now ignore me#gonna take tylenol and maybe pass out for a while#edit: ALSO FUCKING. 'CHARA STAY DETERMINED'. AFTER THEY ALREADY KILLED THEMSELF.
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Fuck it maybe I'll let my Dr up my antidepressants this week
#she's been suggesting it for like four years now#like i know it's just cause she thinks i need to be more medicated bc I'm still terrified of dying of covid every time i leave my house#but also materially things are only getting worse and i can't do any of the things that help my brain function#so fuck it. might as well trick my brain into pretending everything isn't absolutely fucked#i still don't forgive her for saying 'we can't put life on hold forever' wrt covid in fucking 2021#but whatever. there's a long list of people i can't and won't forgive for choosing eugenics over community#bex talks to themself
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its so weird to read some of my old fics (do NOT do it but i'm just being hypothetical rn) and reading it. like who even was this person?? i completely was in a haze back in 2020. i literally was posting 3 chapters a day. A DAY. what in the WORLD was that shit.
anyway i remembered some STUPID sappy shit and i didnt remember if i'd put it into a fic or not BUT I FOUND IT.
She and Hope had been dating in secret for months anyway, and any attempt to go talk to Ryan only filed her disposition of displeasure upon knowing that she couldn’t tell anyone, Molly especially, it destroyed herself mentally. They couldn’t really go anywhere near the school, always having to lie to everyone about having projects together when Molly wasn’t around them. It’d consisted with 9 PM - 2 AM intervals of being able to actually see each other. Hope would sneak through her small bedroom window with a portable record player and whatever she had gotten from the vintage record store downtown, and Amy would always fall asleep around eleven because of her internal clock. She would always wake up to find a single sticky note stuck on the edge of her desk whenever she woke up to her alarm the next morning. One of them, Amy still had tucked inside of her phone case, a heavily detailed human heart, with blue and red ink sketched onto a neon pink sticky note, there was a caption that headed the small paper reading the phrase over every now and again makes her almost melt every time. “You have my heart.”
yeah idk why the fuck but i thought of this fucking idea again today and i was like "omg did i ever put that heart note thing in a fic???" yeah you fucking did.
all that to say ME AND WHO???? imagine. thats so fucking.... RAHHHH.
#NOT TOH FANFIC#see this is why i write fanfic. to enact some gay ass shit like this.#the fucking STICKY NOTE WITH A DRAWING OF A HUMAN HEART AND SAYING “YOU HAVE MY HEART” I AM ON THE FLOOR.#*sighs* sucks i cant reuse it on lumity though.#my friend making me realize i actually have rizz but am just too much of a disaster to actually understand cues with people#its a MESS. im just all over the place. i literally ranted to THE SAME FRIEND yesterday (or the day before??) abt some girl jesus.#anyway i remember writing A LOT OF POETRY back in hs about this one girl and then the same girl i got to talk to--#--my first actual conversation with her i blurted out that i wanted to shave my head. she was like.... oooooo god i was A MESS#still slid into her school dms during covid and was like “haha guess what i actually mf did???” anyway all that to say underlying dysphoria#they're nonbinary now too and i kinda ghosted them like a complete idiot :(. its been two years or so but i still think of them... a lot...#actually i have more lore about this person and its like istg they actually really liked me but i could not pick it up.#we had such SUCH good chemistry and vibes. n they were really pretty. ughhhhhh.#anyway yeah idk crushes are weird sometimes. the universe knows how unstoppable id be with a partner#i feel like i was the reason they were able to find themself and their identity because when we were talking i always encouraged them#and told them to do what felt right. im glad they did. i think sometimes that brings me peace. like i served a purpose.#STILL showed them toh. STILL SHOWED THEM TOH.#we were talking about amity LMAO “this green haired girl seems interesting” SHE SO WAS.#...yeah i wish i could text them but i kinda probably fucked it up.#shitposting shit#idk what this post is i just wanted to talk about this dumb sticky note thing because im rotating it in my brain and remembering how#mentally ill i was back in 2020#talking into the void yk how it isssss
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I rewatched the WTIT episode yesterday and again I'm fascinated with the implications of Remus being seemingly in-perceivable to Thomas for the whole duration.
The fact that even though Remus has revealed himself (lol) to Thomas fully as a means to confront some darker aspects of himself, it's almost like Remus is deliberately hiding himself from Thomas while he's influencing him. Like he's being both confronting and subtle at the same time.
Another thing to think about for this is Remus' line at the end directed to Logan, "If you're going to pretend that I don't exist, then I'm going to pretend that you don't exist."
It could also be that, while Logan is directly addressing to Thomas that he is experiencing intrusive thoughts and is helping him through them, he's also deliberately not mentioning Remus to Thomas at all, so there could also be an influence from him that he is (inadvertently or not) repressing Remus.
Just a couple of thoughts I had, do with them what ye will.
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i made 2 new ocs and i love them but one of them is going to die and im upset about it
#my post#local man attempts to write a tragedy for the first time. wish him luck#its about a person whos disconnected from others and just. generally apathetic. survives and keeps to themself and thats about it#and then they meet another person. and they choose to let themself get attached. and its wonderful and exciting and fulfilling in a way thi#person hasnt felt in years. but like i said.. the other person is going to die.#and the person blocks it off turns it off pushes it down at first. but that just leaves a sinking feeling in the persons stomach every time#they look at the other. so they choose to feel it. they choose to feel the grief and the love at least until its time for them to part#and when they do. the person only considers pushing it down again. i mean its reflex at this point. but they let themself feel it and they#let themself cry and they let themself breakdown#and like. even though it hurts it hurts so much.. its better than not feeling it. and just the years of all of it of all the not feeling#comes out. and they head back home alone again#but this time. they think they might get themself a pet. and maybe theyll even talk to people when they go into town#the end#augh#i have no idea why my brain decided i was gonna make this. i dont know where the hell this came from#just went 'oo i want an oc whos learning how to care for others again' and oops! dead people!
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It’s OC posting hours with Felix and Ebony
#skyy's art#skyy talks about their ocs#I can’t really. tag much else.#injury#I guess?#anyway. Felix is the colourful one and Ebony is the winged one#Felix is an angry soul who is also mute and isn’t super fond of Ebony as they just sort of. attached themself to him#Ebony considers Felix their best and only friend and can’t seem to see that Felix isn’t too thrilled about them as friends#when they first met it was when Ebony had just arrived and didn’t really know much and. of course they had to meet Felix first#Felix beat them up shall I say#but Ebony doesn’t quite know how to interact with people all that well and since Felix is the first Real Person they’ve ever met they kinda#attached themself to him. and doesn’t want to lose him either. they have attachment issues (like their mother)#Felix has himself a queer crisis after seeing Ebony wearing his clothes and then has to reevaluate how he feels about Ebony and how their#‘friendship’ from here on will play out#Felix and Ebony are both queer so. y’know. and Ebony hails from Yomi so that’s fun#these two have recently rotted my brain so like. :) hehe#oh yeah. the blue jumper that Felix is wearing? it’s his sibling’s <3#original content#original character#oc stuff
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Finished ghost trick have scrambled kinda tired thoughts
Def smth to start the game in the evening and finishing just short after 6am. Yes one sitting baby. Very often irl time lined up w where I was in the game. For better or for worse. Oh how I wish I could eat like lynne. I still prefer the og soundtrack but the new one isn't bad either. Appreciate games that let you switch between both. Bonus content my beloved I always eat bonus illustrations up esp concept art I really wish more games had this nowadays (next to art books maybe since not everyone can get them). I think in the past bonus content was more the norm but it seemed to get lost. Alas could be wrong I don't look at a lot of games I'm somewhat in my own bubble and I'm fine w that. Oh the ghost puzzles are slide ones I'm out I suck at those so bad they made me go from 0 to 100 when I played all layton games to the point I just immediately pulled a guide up. Someone get me when guides exist (wouldn't be suprised if they already do). Anyhow omg did I forget how much I adore every single char. Absolutely over my head but maybe I will make a board for all. At the very least all more major chars. Everyone has such good designs. Design wise cabanela ily but I think aside from like lynne, yomiel and missile is detective jowd my fav I always forget how sympathetic he is for me. Not enough to consider a comfort char but he does have a comforting presence. First time playing did I get deeper and deeper emotionally into other stuff so his whole oh I'm guilty I can't be forgiven I deserve execution talk for the first part was a tad ah oof yikes not a emotion mirror fan but now esp after already knowing the story was it just. Shaking You Snap Out. Also oh remembering my first reactions to things was funny. I think my feelings towards cabanela were such a rollercoaster. Also yomiel oh yomiel I am so glad death got avoided and a normal life was possible but I wish we also saw a bit of his new life and idk maybe it's just me but I find it sad how sissel wasn't his cat anymore. Oh how the story took me for a ride the first time but also oh how nice it is to replay smth and seeing the foreshadowing knowing the truth n all. One thing I completely forgot is how when the meteorite got avoided n then the bullet yomiel just gets pierced and hnnnnnn nnnnnot a fan of that stuff. Even if the game isn't graphic and he survives do I not like that. That could've happened when his body still immediately healed wounds and my body would still go ha no you will feel pain in the same spot for hours. Pierced through pain my absolute behated.
Sorry not sorry for how this post looks it's 7:30am over here and I almost fell asleep writing and will now pass out.
#I automatically exclude chars in 'fav char' when I think I'm them/fictionkin and sissel is like. I'm pretty sure? I think?#It is. So funky do be one where the char themself isn't sure who tf they are for like 99% of the game and identifies and looks like someone#completely else. Cat is my look but yknow I v much vibe with the whoops thought I was a human look too.#I would maybe explain better if I wouldn't run on monster energy#*to#I just remembered I'm awake since 2 or 3pm yesterday. Was awake for two days straight more than once but let's not repeat unhealthy behavio#So I will likely pass out soonish. If you see me reblog after this no you don't that's my body being used by a different manipulator#ghost trick spoilers#it's just me rambling from the top of my head but I do talk abt stuff so#The first time play deeper stuff is nothing to worry abt. Past life stuff I already coped with at this point. For the majority. Just fyi.#'but I thought family death happened around that time' oh I deal scarily quick w human blood related family deaths in this life.#Kin was apparently more important for my brain#a wild lux appears
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I started with posting about my autistic experience on twitter, reading posts on there, and interacting with people there.
then twitter got unbearable, so I moved back here and made a new account and side blogs to mirror twitter and lurk in the tags.
i've noticed a difference between autism twitter and autism tumblr from the big algorithm-controlled posts I usually see:
autism twitter makes me feel like i'm not allowed to say autism disables me or causes problems in life
while autism tumblr makes me feel like i'm not allowed to feel positively about being autistic and can only see it as a struggling disability.
the contrast makes me dizzy 😵💫 it's like no one wants to see the perspective of other people when we are all different. each side wants their narrative to be the told one.
#autistic#actually autistic#autism#a little criticism for both. can we not do this 😭#twitter is always “dont use your autism as a disability/excuse for why you cant do a thing! it'll mean i wont be able to do the thing#anymore if they know i'm autistic!“ like when i asked if i can be exempt from jury duty because TALKING HARD. due to autistic#but on tumblr it's always “dont call autism a difference in brain. it's a disability and that's all it is because it ruins my life and is#so hard for me! stop trying to make it look like a positive thing!“#and like....both????? its both?! because it depends on the person and how they see it themself and how affects THEM. not you.#its both positive thing that makes me who i am and disability that makes many things difficult. it can be both 😭#let people describe whats best for them and dont speak for everyone!#linking this to twitter too because both sides gives me headaches lmao#lee rambles#i know people disabled by autism want their storoes told. i know people not as didabled by autism want their stories told#but we cant just do ONE and push only that narrarive. telling one doesnt discredit the other. both are equally important!!! learn to share!#help each other. dont disagree and post passive aggressive posts about each other on social medias. ugh.#i feel like im stuck between where i see it positivly while it disrupts parts of my life at the same time so i dont fit anywhere#people tell me “if you want friends then be friends with other autistics” but i dont even fit in with “my people” sometimes#if anyone else noticed or feels like this then *internet ghost hug* belonging ks difficult :(
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