#bpd in all but diagnosis

[iowasi]

This post is inspired by the second episode of Kimball Anderson's podcast, "By The Wayside," which is entitled "High Risk - Greg." So far there are only two episodes of this podcast available, but I would absolutely recommend giving them both a listen; each one is only a bit over twenty minutes long. If you like the stories and are interested in monetarily supporting her work, Kimball and her partner Laurel have a Patreon page that will allow you to do so.

The following will contain tws for: transphobia (and internalized transphobia), internalized biphobia/lesbophobia, identity struggles, COVID-19, etc. It is more of a general, rambling post, but I will do my best to make sense as to what this episode made me feel.

"High Risk - Greg" is the fictional (but realistic) story of a disabled gay man navigating the new world created by the COVID-19 pandemic. He struggles in a world that is uncaring towards him and his medical condition, and a family that supports him but... not all the way. In addition, he has new feelings about his girlfriend, Kay -- who, up until recently in the story, he knew as his boyfriend. When Kay starts to transition, Greg supports her. However, he is unsure of what this now means for his own identity, and struggles with the fear that HIS identity and health problems are holding her back from who SHE is truly meant to be.

This story really hit me deeply. One of my ex-partners (who I no longer have contact with and therefore don't know the true extent of their identity changes) started transitioning while we had been dating.

At that point, before they came out to me as a trans man, I was fairly certain that I was a lesbian. I had multiple failed high school relationships with multiple boyfriends, and since I was a "late bloomer" into realizing I was queer at all... I just figured that maybe I wasn't actually bi at all either. After all, I had conflicting feelings towards all my past boyfriends, not helped by the fact that the last longterm one had been emotionally abusive, and the one I dated for two weeks over a summer term tried to get me drunk, alone with him, in his apartment.

On the drive home to my family for winter holidays, I cried while they slept in the passenger seat. Was I wrong about myself? Was I wrong to them for not knowing if I would still feel attraction towards them if they went through with transitioning? Was my identity not as solid as I needed it to be?

The relationship did not end on a happy note like "Greg." I switched back to the lesbian label after they broke it off, even though I was still unsure if that was what really fit me. I remember them venting about it on their blog, and feeling horrible but also angry (definitely immaturely). I didn't do it to hurt them; I did it because I was trying to find myself.

This is a process that has never become easier for me.

I think back on that relationship sometimes, especially today because of this podcast episode, and I wish I could've done things better. I wish I could've magically known who I was, or how to navigate awkward young adult queer relationships. That wasn't the case, and it will never be the case, but I can't help but wish I somehow had the answers.

I really appreciate Kimball for making such a thoughtful series so far, and I'm excited to hear more episodes in the future. It definitely hurts to have to reflect on past failures, and what they mean about me as a person, but I think it is truly important as a way to figure out who I actually am.

[locamotivednp]

I’m so serious tho, Dans radical acceptance of his past is super inspiring. Cause I spent many weeks in DBT struggling with just the concept.

And it must be so so painful to have so much of your past out there on the internet and he jokes about that sometimes. But overall he really does seem to have such a positive attitude of acceptance with it now. And fuck man, that’s so inspiring.

[oshidorifuufu]

when you’re openly exhibiting symptoms but you’re not diagnosed so everyone just treats you like you’re overreacting

[fernlessbastard]

hot take moment cwilbur is literally just psychotic as all hell and i think people got way too comfortable villianizing the shit out of a man who was clearly portraying signs of severe mental illness. cwilbur was like im so fucking paranoid and scared and i think everyone is out to get me and hurt me and ive spiralled to the point i cant reach out to the people closest to me because im so afraid and lost in this spiral and im having constant panic attacks and hurting myself because i dong know what to do with myself and the only way out for me is to die. and everybody was like EVIL MAN WHO ENJOYS HURTING OTHERS AND IS ABUSIVE ON PURPOSE AND A VILLAIN AND SHOULD NEVER BE TRUSTED AGAIN. and then he came back and was like im still deeply troubled and afraid but im desperately trying to make up for the wrongs i did in the past and the people i hurt in my own way and communication is really hard for me but i hope people know that im truely sorry and i love them. im going to try my hardest to fix this in the only way i know how and then respectfully remove myself from the situation because i feel thats the kindest thing i can do to the people ive hurt. and people were like ABUSER ABUSER ABUSER EVIL MAN ABUSER. like girl

Yeah no based true real no questions asked

I'd hope I manage to portray Wilbur the way he deserves in my content, cause that man is heavily bpd coded and he just needs therapy and someone who genuinely loves him but also can handle his bullshit (which has exclusively and reliably been Quackity like, canonically)

But yeah no completely agreed. The man has issues and has definitely fucked up a lot but at the end of the day he really does need love and care and patience, but also boundaries (and therapy and meds, obviously)

[nikeiyomiurioverthinker]

Nikei Yomiuri has BPD: the masterpost

So I've been formally requested to make a post on why I believe Nikei has BPD- so strap in, folks, this is gonna be a long one.

I want to preface this with, I am in no way a mental health expert, I am in no way qualified to actually diagnose anyone with anything, but I am a weirdo who likes to read the DSM-5 for kicks who also happens to think about Nikei Yomiuri a lot. Everything I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt, yadda yadda yadda, you know how that all goes.

TW for discussions of sui, CSA and SH. I am not planning to discuss any of these topics in depth (except for the first one, due to just. Nikei being Nikei), but if the topics distress you in any way, I would advise simply not reading this. Look after yourself.

So, firstly, I would like to discuss how BPD develops. Though there are many possible causes, such as genetics, affecting the on-set of BPD symptoms, one of the most common causes is childhood abuse, especially CSA. We currently do not yet know Nikei's backstory and how he was 'saved' by Utsuro, but it is commonly believed that it had to do with CSA. It both explains some of his behaviors- the weird hypersexual tendencies and his extremely negative reaction to being touched by Mikado from behind, for example- and 'fits', so to speak, Void's tendency in everyone there suffering some sort of child abuse. This is mostly to explain how Nikei fits the common parameters of someone in whom BPD could develop.

Now, as for the diagnostic criteria: the DSM-5 dictates there are 9 major symptoms of BPD, and in order to qualify, the patient needs to fulfill at least 5.

Before I go over which of the symptoms he fulfills, I want to start with stating that Nikei is a particularly hard character to get a read on, mostly due to him faking his personality for the greatest majority of the game, and though I do not believe everything about him that we see is 100% fake at all times, it would be presumptuous of me to discern what I personally believe to be real or not. Therefore, I will keep myself limited to:

His actions throughout the game (plus the ones he made from behind the scenes and also what he did before the actual happenings of the game)

Nikei's bouts of anger (which he is shown to be physically unable to control)

Chapter 6's Void Theatre (since Linuj has stated that Nikei was being truthful in it and was thus is 'real self')

Talking about his anger… symptom number 1, "Inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control" and symptom number 2, "Rapidly shifting intense emotional dysregulation". I don't think I need to go too in-depth when talking about how he fits these symptoms. If you have played the game, you know Nikei is shown to turn easily aggressive in ways he seems unable to control. I think the scene that highlights that the most is the one in chapter 4 while everyone is in Nikei's room- right after Mikado leaves. Nikei is unable to calm himself down, and has to cut short the meeting due to his inability to regulate his emotions properly. Honestly, Nikei in the fourth trial could also be used as an example for this.

Symptom number 3, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment". The man's gut reaction to Emma, Hajime and Iroha 'leaving' him was to come up with a plan to fuck over the man who took them away from him. It's actually a little hard to express myself in-depth on these first points, because I feel as though it would just be me repeating the game's plot points or just. Describing his character, rather than adding anything new to the discussion… of course, it's also pretty obvious that Nikei has extremely unstable relationships (again, Void), so he fits the fourth symptom as well, "Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, also known as "splitting" ". He doesn't necessarily 'split' on anyone in game, unless you count the fact that he can go from developing a crush on Sora to hating her guts in chapter 4, though in that case, his sudden hatred is more than understandable, considering the context- but I have to stress, it is almost impossible for us to know how Nikei feels about people in general, since most of his relationships are technically developed off-camera. As I am talking about Nikei's relationships, I feel like it would be a disservice to this 'theory' to not bring up this specific answer to a question that Linuj himself gave:

Nikei is not healthy with his interpersonal relationships. While this comment is strictly about romantic relationships, it is not a stretch to say that he gets obsessive about others in general- ergo, his relationships are unstable by definition.

Our fifth symptom is "Markedly disturbed sense of identity and distorted self-image"- one of his most obvious characteristics as a person is his inferiority complex, which feeds into his desire for power. To this, we can also add his struggle with his own self-worth. We don't know why exactly Nikei idolizes his hand as of yet, but it doesn't take an expert to realize that no matter the reason, his obsession with it doesn't exactly give us the impression his self-image is in any way stable.

Theoretically, I could stop here, since to be diagnosed you only need to fulfill 5 symptoms, but I am an overachiever to a fault so I'm gonna go on.

Symptom number 6, "Impulsive or reckless behaviors (e.g., uncontrollable spending, unsafe sex, substance use disorders, reckless driving, binge eating)". Now this might be weird to some of you, since Nikei doesn't really show any of these behaviors in game (again, not counting personal headcanons for this, so even if I do believe Nikei is definitely a reckless driver, I can't exactly say that counts since it is 100% based on vibes) but these are all just examples of reckless behaviors- Nikei has just significantly more personalized ones. Like, say, participating in a killing game of his own free will, or using an actual stun gun on himself rather than just pretending to be unconscious, or randomly changing key details of the plan he made supposedly months prior on the fly (ie adding Teruya to the mix when his spot was originally supposed to be taken by Syobai). Assuming Nikei has BPD actually makes chapter 4 make more sense.

"Recurrent suicidal ideation or self harm"- this is the last symptom I am going to talk about, and the primary reason for the TW at the start. This is probably gonna be somewhat headcanon-y, and if anyone wants to disregard that as such I cannot exactly fault them for it, but hear me out: Nikei's plan counts as a suicide plan. Nikei is not an idiot- he would have known that, no matter how it ended up going, if he failed or not, Nikei was gonna die either way- if his plan worked and Yuki was executed, Mikado would have retaliated and killed him in revenge; if his plan worked and Yuki got away with it, he would have died in the mass execution; and if, how it happened in canon, he failed he would have been killed, too (Mikado may have said that he would have forgiven Nikei if he returned back to Void, but let's be real here- that was a bold faced lie. He was just gloating). This plan would have ended up with him dead no matter what, and he was okay with it- which I don't need to tell you, is not exactly something someone who has never considered suicide before would do.

(Also random thought that I probably wouldn't be able to fit in another post- Nikei's execution itself is fairly odd, in the sense that he was ultimately the one who killed himself. He was the one that ran up the stairs, he was the one that jumped off the building, he was the one that failed to catch the ladder- hell, jumping off a building is a pretty common suicide method. His death is unique in the sense that he brought it all to himself- he was the only executee that wasn't tied down in any way, all his actions were truly his choice. He didn't need to run away from the Monocrows, but he did. He didn't need to go up the stairs instead of down, but he did. He didn't need to jump, but he did.)

The last two symptoms are:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Transient, stress-related paranoid or severe dissociative symptoms

Which I don't think I can apply to Nikei in good conscience, since it's pretty hard to discern how that man is feeling at all times (other than, well, when he is raging). That would wound up being wayyy too headcanon-y for even me to excuse. Like, do I believe he is depressed? Absolutely. Do I believe he has PTSD? Certainly, but I can't point to any exact action he takes in game and point to it to say that he is 100% depressed. It's mostly just vibes. And again, I don't really need to? I have already given ample evidence as to why I believe Nikei has BPD, even without these last two symptoms.

(I mean, I COULD prove that Nikei has PTSD- if we consider his more than likely sexual trauma and his reaction to him being grabbed by Mikado specifically, someone who he considers to be a threat- that certainly feels like PTSD to me. Even without that, I genuinely doubt anyone that lived through the Tragedy DOESN'T have PTSD. Anyway I am losing track of the post here-)

I don't exactly know how to end this, but yeah! That's about it. Nikei has BPD, thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

[emohorseboy]

thinking about it it’s very telling that the only thing i said that my recent psych worker was willing to believe without twisting my words so far beyond recognition that she may as well have just never met me and made the whole thing up was when i said that i feel like i alienate people. i meant that i feel like i am an inherently evil person who hurts people just by association and but she asked no further questions, wrote that i ‘alienate people with [my] behaviour’, and recommended a structured ‘personality disorders assessment’. fucking sinister that the only thing i said they were willing to even slightly believe was the bit where i said i was a terrible person lmao.

needless to say that is the last time i will ever be talking to a psych ‘professional’ of any kind. this last stint under mh services has truly broken me and at long last i have learned my fucking lesson.

[queerbauten]

Joost fans be normal about his BPD diagnosis challenge

[p4rty4nim4l]

sorry the caffeine got to me guys

[taylorftparamore]

can y'all stop trying to fuckin diagnosis taylor swift holy shit

[madame-mongoose]

I wish mental health services were more easily accessible and certain mental illnesses weren't still demonized in the field

[dykedvonte]

I beg people in the MW to think very carefully when they talk about mental illness and physical disability cause it’s not as straight forward and easy to diagnose/depict as you think…

[xerospaced]

I think we need to start putting Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD/EUPD) under the microscope

I think it's high time we really get into it

Let's stop faffing about and get real

Like why do men get diagnosed with C-PTSD but women with the same experiences and symptoms get BPD

Or, hmm, I dunno, maybe why women who are undiagnosed neurodivergent are continually misdiagnosed with BPD without a moments consideration that it could be something else at play

Or how the diagnosis is given so quickly on assumption

It's almost like...

I dunno man

Anyone remember that period in the history of psychology where women who were dealing with trauma from abuse and/or sexual assault and the like were said to have "hysteria"

Ykno how they'd have one conversation with a psych and the psych would be like, "hmm, female, emotionally unstable, difficulties communicating, fragile sense of self. Oh yes yes, hysterical"

RING ANY BELLS!? ANYONE!?

As someone who was misdiagnosed with EUPD/BPD at 21 after one conversation with zero investigation. Who also later discovered they have adhd (diagnosed at 26) and autism (undiagnosed/dismissed due to adhd etc.). I find it pretty fucken sus that all these women are given this bullshit catch all diagnosis that labels them a problem and places the blame entirely on the flaw within themselves and then just... left to it.

I've been a part of BPD groups. I've seen those women. I've seen how the diagnosis has NOT helped them. I've seen how their symptoms have worsened. How hopeless they feel. How they try and try to do or be better but can't seem to get the hang of it.

And I've seen how many of them really need help dealing with their trauma, their symptoms of C-PTSD. I've seen how so many of them have had difficulties with parents friends and partners, always being misunderstood and the problem, almost like... hmm I don't fucken know - neurodivergent people maybe!

Honestly, to anyone who has been given the diagnosis of borderline. I urge you to investigate. Dig deeper. Do your own research. Look into the stats on misdiagnosis (I promise you, they are staggering!) Look at what conditions/disorders are often mistaken for borderline. Just do yourself a favour and question this label. Investigate.

[bonni]

I agree with the general principle that we need to destigmatize DID and obviously people with DID are not crazy axe-murderers or whatever but I think the reason people say shit like "people with DID are rarely ever violent" and "people with DID basically never have alters that do bad things" is because people with DID who do have persecutory alters that do bad and violent things are diagnosed with BPD instead and their switches are referred to as "rage blackouts" LMAO

[suffercerebral]

me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

[gloriousmonsters]

dsm really is like well about every other PD is determined by abuse, neglect, poor relationships and bad experiences as a child, and trauma. narcissistic personality disorder is largely defined by a desperate terrified need to never seem weak or like a failure and hunger for praise and approval. who tf knows what causes it tho

[landofgay]

also wow the power of anti depressants. 4 days off of them I was fully 100% ready to just fucking off myself and 2 days back on them I actually feel like. alright. wild shit.