#birthdays are always very depressing for me but it hurt a lot this year that i’m like finally in the best mental place i’ve been in a while

[sharkieboi]

broke person life hack win! convinced my grandma to buy me a bookshelf for my birthday so that I don’t have to spend the money myself!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling a school counselor about what my friend does online?

I (F minor) am in middle school. I have a group of friends, about 8 people, but this is about one girl in specific we can call Annie. All of us are mutuals on tumblr, twitter, etc. and we have a discord server too.

All of us are into a lot of the same things, like art, anime, video games, and have a lot of the same hobbies. Most of us also struggle with mental health stuff like anxiety and/or depression so we regularly talk to our school counselor (F, Idk how old she is).

Anyways, we're all really close and we get along really well for the most part, but lately Annie has been doing stuff that really bothers and worries us.

She's VERY into internet discourse. Has 10 paragraph long DNI page, is constantly starting fights with other people, etc. She usually argues about stuff like LGBT+ rights, womens rights, etc. but also a LOT of fandom discourse which is my biggest concern.

A lot of my other friends reblog/retweet stuff like anime gifs, fanart, memes, etc. but pretty much every post I see from Annie is her fighting with someone over shipping or something like that.

A lot of the posts are basically:

Her talking about how disgusting a certain ship or character is

How everyone who likes that specific thing is a degenerate, or freak, or pedo or groomer.

How if you like problematic ships you need to get a therapist, or you deserve to be hurt. Once I saw her arguing with someone who said they write certain stuff due to trauma and she said "You don't have trauma, you're either lying or you actually liked it and that's why you write such disgusting nasty shit"

Fighting with random people and accusing them of being a predator or a pedo

Breaking her own DNI (which says adults, proshitters, etc. DNI) and then getting mad at the other person for responding

It's really upsetting to see because she does this CONSTANTLY. She never seems to use tumblr/twitter to do things she actually likes. I never see her reblog gifs or memes or just silly lighthearted posts about stuff she enjoys.

It's especially upsetting because we're minors and she TELLS PEOPLE THAT. Like she's arguging with people that she thinks are pedos or child predators, while openly telling people her actual age. To me that's like covering yourself in bloody steaks and then jumping into water full of sharks.

I was really starting to get concerned because even in our private discord server she's always talking about how much she hates these people or whatever and how they should die, a lot of the time she says things like "they should get the wall" or "I hope their nasty fanfics happen to them irl that would teach them lol" and it really freaks me out.

She also talks about seeing the "child porn" that these people make which as far as I'm aware is drawings of characters but it still freaks me out how open and calm she is about looking at what she THINKS is child porn. I asked her if it's child porn why is it being linked in callout posts for other people (including minors!) to see and not being reported to the FBI but she just gets mad and changes the subject.

Me and our other friends have mentioned before that we don't like hearing about this kind of stuff but then she just gets mad and goes offline or gives us the silent treatment at school.

A month or so ago I got so fed up and upset, that I took a bunch of screenshots of her tumblr account and discord messages. One thing to note is that her username is VERY specific.

It's a combination of her first and last name and her birth year. Most people will not know that, but if you know her name and birthday, it's easy to tell it's her. She also goes by her real name online which I also screenshotted as proof it's her.

I brought all this to the school counselor, and I told her how worried I was about Annie, and how I think she's doing something really unsafe. Not only is she confronting people she thinks are child predators/groomers, she's telling people they deserve to get hurt in really awful ways, and looking at porn and I don't think this is good for her mental health.

The counselor at first was like "Idk are you SURE it's her? It could be anyone online!" But I insisted that it was and explained the username thing and that this was our private discord server so obviously I know it's her.

She thanked me for letting her know and told me I was being a good friend and then we talked about how I was doing, and then I left. I kind of forgot about it until a week later.

Annie wasn't online at all and I was kind of worried, but then I saw her on Monday at school. I was with our other friends and we called out her name so she would see us and come over and she LOST IT. She started screaming at us and telling us how awful we were, and how we ruined her life.

Idk what exactly happened, but apparently the counselor talked to her and her parents got involved? Her parents now monitor her internet usage, they have child safety stuff on the browsers, and she's only allowed on certain websites for doing research for school, or watching videos on youtube on their account so they can see what videos she's watching, or playing games on steam.

She said that her parents are also putting her in therapy once a week now (with an actual therapist, not the counselor) and she's only allowed to go out with an adult chaperone (either her older sister or one of her parents).

But... None of our friends know it was me who told the counselor. Annie has other friends besides us, so they're also "suspects" for being the snitch. It seems like half of our friends are relieved that Annie is kept away from that kind of stuff and the other half are mad at whoever the snitch is for ratting Annie out and resulting in her having less privacy/freedom.

At first I was happy that Annie was getting help and being kept away from this but now I feel really conflicted. I feel so disgusting talking to her and our other friends and pretending nothing happened, knowing that I was the one who told the counselor.

Annie still talks to us but she's a lot less open. We still have our discord server but apparently her parents will read through the messages to make sure she's not talking about anything bad and that she's only talking to us and not strangers.

What are these acronyms?

[ladyazurith]

Cater Diamond Analysis

Honestly, my first impressions of Cater were…not good. When I very first started playing Twist, I picked Idia as my starting character because I love Hades (not the Disney version but the classical Greek mythology version, though the Disney version is great he’s a terrible representation of Hades but I think everyone knows that) After playing the game Azul quickly became my favorite (That’s why my first Broken Mirrors story was about him) and just Octavinelle in general. 

When I first picked up Twist I kind of sped through books 1 and 2. At the time I was still knee deep in the MHA fandom and was playing the game because a friend recommended it (they’d followed the JP release) And didn’t really absorb much. Books 3 and 4’s release is when I really started to pay attention. My Ao3 page definitely reflects this given stories started appearing in April of 22. 

The first thing I really remembered about Cater was Beans Day and I was overall just annoyed with him because I wanted to spend more time with Jade. And Cater it seemed was the reason he kept leaving. 

Another thing is I have Cater’s Birthday SSR from the first year (it was the very first Birthday Card we got in the EN version) I do not remember pulling for it, let alone actually getting his card but it’s there so…*shrugs* 

It wasn’t until I saw a music video on YouTube set to Kill the Lights, that I even took a second glance at Cater as a character. The video made me compare him to Twice from MHA (I was again still attached to the fandom at the time) and I loved Twice, so I started digging more. Twice has an incredibly tragic backstory and it made me curious about Cater’s. 

After that I dug through all the information I could about Cater, both in EN and JP releases, I watched translations of all his available vignettes or others he was in, and events he was a part of. I’ve always loved picking characters apart and I found that Cater was far more complex than I first gave him credit for. There are a few key cards/events that I believe are essential for understanding who Cater is.

First is of course is Heartslabyul’s chapter of the game. I know a lot of people will point to this and say it’s why they don’t trust him or take him seriously, but context is key. Yes, he does “manipulate” the group into doing some of his chores.  But in the wider context of the story, Cater is often left doing a lot of extra work around the dorm. Picking up the slack, because of his clones and making up for the mistakes of others. (Trey’s CR Card is a good window into this, along with Trey’s Star Sending Card) And honestly, this is about the worst thing he does throughout the entire game. 

What is also shown is that Cater is very forgiving. He’s never actually upset with Riddle for the way he behaves. It’s not that he condones his actions, but he knows why Riddle behaves the way he does and tries his best to be understanding while also helping the 1st years navigate the situation and in a way protect them. (He even asks Trey if he’s okay with what’s going on when Ace and Deuce get kicked out) Even at the end when Ace gets on Riddle for his apology Cater chastises him. In the end, Cater is very conflict averse, he doesn’t really want to fight with people, and would rather everyone just get along (this is part of why he Kalim and Lilia all get along so well in the LMC) I think some people see his reaction in the manga, and take his reason for not wanting to step in wrong. Personally, I don’t think it had completely clicked with him that this wasn’t an altercation that could be ended peacefully. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. 

There are a lot of hints that Cater is fairly depressed under his happy come-what-may attitude. His Labcoat personal story is less than subtle about it, (Vil and Lilia straight-up talk about what the Mandrake Cater tried to hide meant), And even his CR card shows that he’s not really a fan of all the socializing he does, and finds it exhausting. He also isn't afraid of death, at least as his clones, in the Heartslabyul Manga he takes a spear to the chest to save Deuce, and in Chapter 2 he creates replicas of the Diasomnia Spelldive team and allows himself to be trampled. The level he's nonchalant about it is a bit disturbing, especially because he can remember what happens as his clones (he makes a comment about not being able to use them to study because the information can get jumbled up) and they have been stated to *be* him. (this is part of why I HC that Cater's clones can confuse Rook's UM because he can't tell a clone from the real Cater)

Another really important one is Cater’s Halloween SSR (and really the first two Halloween events), His SSR is one of the few times we get to see his thoughts so clearly. He’s excellent at hiding his true thoughts and feelings. The conversation he has with Lilia and Kalim about not being really close to anyone, and preferring to keep people at arm's length is heartbreaking because it comes from a place of moving around, being forgotten, and being hurt. Everything Cater does is an effort to get people to remember him, from his guitar to his magicam account. 

At the end of his SSR is a very touching moment between Diasomnia as Lilia comforts Malleus, Cater’s left to the side feeling completely bitter about all of it. Angry Lilia thought he could ever understand him when he had connections like Malleus, Silver, and Sebek in his life. Connections Cater doesn’t feel he can ever make. The follow up to this is when he’s still standing there and gets the call from Trey who yells at him because he’s not in Heartslabyul to help solve a problem there, and gets called a liar when he explains what he was doing. (People sometimes ask me why I don’t like Trey and this scene right here is part of that reason.) 

As for the rest of the first Halloween, the only time we really see him relaxed is in Lilia’s card. Every other time he’s working, solving problems, or helping other people. Even at the very end when everyone else was relaxing at the after party, he was off comforting the Ghosts who felt guilty about causing all the problems with their picture in the beginning, helping them feel better and bringing the subject up to others.  

In the second Halloween event, he was one of the possessed missing students. I don’t think everyone realizes this but all the ghosts made the ones they’d possessed act in the exact opposite of their true nature. (Vil who he was stuck with is a great example, he was crying acting like someone who had no self-esteem, but the things he was saying were in complete contrast to his behavior, which in reality Vil acts like a very self assured person on the surface but deep down he’s a doubt ridden insecure mess. Kalim is another he was angry and violent) 

Cater was forced to be cruel and malicious, which lines up with being the opposite of who he really is from the little bits we’ve seen. He often tends to go out of his way to help people. When they needed help in the final act of Endless Halloween when the other students appeared he was the first one to step up to help take care of it. In Silver’s card, he took the time to console him and give him advice but even his advice to live in the moment and don’t care about what happens in the future tells us a lot about him.

Even Beans Day and the fact he stuck with Yuu (something that first annoyed me) is an example of this. A lot of people saw “us” as a liability and ditched the MC in the very competitive game, but Cater didn’t he stayed, and in the end, they almost won. 

Other notes along the way are he never really talks positively about his family. He’s always complaining about how overbearing his sisters are. How they treated him like a doll. Bought presents for him that were meant for them, not him, etc. And I know what he says about his dislike of sugar and how it came from one incident as a child BUT that’s not very likely. I have a feeling it was more than *one* incident and a repeated dismissal of his own autonomy in his family BUT that is just a theory. Personally, I think he downplayed the event like he seems to do a lot of these things. It’s very clear he generally conceals how he truly feels about an incident. 

He even comments about how he doesn’t want to go home over winter break because he knows his sisters will just put him to work. In his second year birthday jacket card he talks about how his sisters take him shopping and force him to carry everything. Every time his family comes up it's never in a positive context. 

In his Silks card, it’s shown he has a problem buying things for himself. Jamil pokes him about it, while he’s buying souvenirs for other people, and in the end, makes Jamil pick something for him. We get hints that Jamil can see past the facade he puts up and that makes Cater nervous BUT we also know Jamil absolutely trusts Cater. He left Kalim in Cater’s care in Silk City, and even though Kalim doesn’t generally eat anything but Jamil’s cooking (not even his own) Kalim is the one that judges Cater’s culinary crucible meal. And the way Jamil conducts himself in Cater’s birthday interview. 

Cater also tends to treat people as people. He’s never really been intimidated by Malleus, not the same way other people are (outside Yuu/MC), and will talk to him freely. When realistically he has more reason than most to be afraid of Malleus. It takes a bit of stringing of different card stories and events together, but Malleus has knocked Cater unconscious with his magic before. Because in Malleus’s first Birthday card, he talks about the incident, where Lilia invited him to the LMC, to play music, but he accidentally knocked the members unconscious. We know that Kalim arrived late in his 2nd year and that during Cater and Lilia’s first year, they were very quickly the only members of the LMC until Kalim joined. Meaning when the incident took place the only available victim was Cater. 

I also know Cater talks about not having a lot of money/not coming from a wealthy family, BUT I know this isn’t true. While it's not likely his family is as rich as I’ve made them in my stories, they are NOT poor. First off they move AT least every two years, and that is NOT cheap to do. We know his dad works for a bank, but there aren’t many positions at a Bank on any level that would require the person to move so much. Bankers are some of the wealthiest people period (not the tellers or general employees but those wouldn’t require moving)  Looking into it, his dad is most likely an investment banker which make $$$. This is also backed up by the fact that he does chase trends that take an incredible amount of money, and he’s talked about doing things like going “Glamping” which costs upwards of 1-1.5k/night  Then again maybe his perception is warped by Kalim lol. 

As far as his relationships go. I do think his perception is a bit skewed from past experiences. Riddle seems to care an awful lot about him/considers him a friend. I think this is very much a case of Riddle taking Cater at face value, not having the social awareness to realize Cater is faking most of what he’s doing. While Cater is still stuck on the idea that Riddle is just another shallow friendship for him. 

I also think Kalim thinks more of their friendship than Cater does. I also always wonder how Vil can insist the only thing Cater wants out of him is fame when *Kalim’s standing right there* While Kalim isn’t famous in the same sense Vil is, he’s INCREDIBLY wealthy and it wouldn’t take much for him to leverage that for his own fame, but we don’t really see him doing that, yes he does make posts with Kalim but it all seems to be in line with his friendship with him and things they do with the club, and the time Kalim invited him to Silk City. There is no hint Cater takes advantage of him at all (which I think plays into why Jamil trusts him)

Speaking of Vil, the reason I ship Cater and Vil is very detailed and delves into the nuance of their interactions and relationship otherwise. I know it’s easy to point at Vil’s “What it means to be a Brand” R card Vin, where Cater talks about how attractive he is and talks about dating him. (I’m still mad they took that out of the English version) as a reason, and while it is part of it Vil doesn’t tell him he won't date him, he tells Cater he can’t afford them. (Which to me sounds like a shallow comment?!?! When he calls Cater Shallow, gets a bit on my nerves but that's another rant) 

But what really sells me that Cater’s feelings for Vil are real and not part of his fake facade is his Birthday Jacket interview. He picks Vil as his choice of sibling and then goes on to talk about why he looks up to and respects Vil. It’s not about his physical features, but other traits he likes and appreciates. He seems to understand Vil. And this is my take on it but I think part of why he likes Vil (either romantically or otherwise) is he sees a kindred spirit, someone who puts on a mask to face an uncaring world that expects impossible standards, and the need to always be ‘on’ and performing. Remember it's clear that Cater doesn’t enjoy what he does social media-wise and the like, but it's something he feels like he has to do.

Trey is otherwise not someone he’s super close to. To me, their relationship comes across more like coworkers at a stressful job, than actual friends. Cater himself has said more than once that he’s not close to *anyone* and Trey in the star sending even talks about how even after all the time they’ve spent together Cater still doesn’t seem to trust him with his true self. Trey tends to be very dismissive of Cater’s complaints and Cater in general. And straight up TO HIS FACE told him he’d always be closer to Riddle. (As someone who didn’t have childhood friends themselves, and even now struggles with friends that line right there hurt a lot. That the idea that if you didn’t make a friend when you were a child then you could never be close to someone more than they are to someone else hurt and made me angry. And did not help my opinion of Trey AT ALL  Length of time is not the only qualifier to a strong friendship) But yet tends to also be dismissive of Riddle in some cases?!?! And is willing to manipulate him so there's that. 

I did an entire write up of Lilia and Cater’s relationship, but a summary is that I find it one of the most unique and complex in the game. Often times Lilia tends to treat the other students like he’s a mentor figure. Not just Diasomnia, but all of them in general when he interacts. Cater however isn’t treated that way and seems to view him more as an equal, and has been shown to listen to and take advice from him when he’s otherwise shown to be very stubborn and determined. And it's possible he intended to stay in contact with Cater when he attempted to leave in ch 7. Cater tells him that he can hit him up on Magicam at any time which means Lilia hasn’t deactivated his account (Cater would likely know that) and Lilia doesn’t tell him he can’t like he had with other attempts to stay in contact, but he doesn’t say he will either so it's more up in the air. 

Idia…also seems to listen to him!?! Honestly Idia and Cater’s relationship also probably deserves their own post. I don’t ship them, mostly because I think they’d end up in a self destructive spiral. BUT I do think they could be friends, like really good friends if they could both get past some of their issues. They have a lot in common, especially when it comes to being lonely and detached certain everyone will just forget about them someday. 

Over all Cater is an extremely complex person, and really about the only character who we don’t know a lot about. Most of what we have on him is how other characters view him, (which is why I think there is a lot of misconception and distrust of his character for people because they buy into what they see on the surface and move on)  and a few scraps here and there into who he actually is under the surface which completely contradicts the persona he presents. 

I have a lot of headcanons for him, and while I noted a few here in this, I tried to keep this to most extrapolation from what we see directly in canon. I love Cater, and I hope this helps some people have a better understanding of who he is. 

[dysfunctional-doodle]

Yeah, both Mikey and Donnie didn't get much character in the movie. Makes me sad when those 2 don't get much screen time 😔

Do you have some head cannons for each of the 2007 turtles? There isn't much to go on, so I it's hard to think of any

Yeah, I don’t have many hcs. I do think it’s canon (I don’t know if it was ever confirmed) that the 2007 movie is actually the turtles from the 90’s movies, as hinted though a lot of background details. But that could also be just Easter eggs but I like to think it’s true.

A few rough hcs:

1. Mikey got hurt quite badly sometimes when doing the birthday parties, but no one noticed/he didn’t tell anyone due to the strained relationships in the family. As a result he’s gotten very good at lying and makeup/skin painting due to hiding his bruises. It’s a habit that has unfortunately stuck after the movie - Leo realises this after he tries to walk off getting punted off a building.

2. Raph was suffering from depression due to Leo’s departure. This was why, unless he was beating people up at night (an unhealthy outlet) he was in bed all day and unresponsive. Also this was why he was so closed off to everyone, especially Donnie.

3. Donnie has insomnia which can go on for days. He first got the tech job to do the night shifts and try and shut off his brain. Without stimuli and patrolling, it only got worse, hence his own short fuse towards Raph

4. Every night Mikey waits for Raph to return, trying to stay awake all night. He sleeps in snatches in the afternoon/early evening after the parties are over, wanting to stay up late and make sure Raph comes back and isn’t hurt

5. Donnie also has major issues with burnout that Mikey can help fix

6. Leo has mild OCD, hence why he doesn’t like change that much. His training helped with this, but he has to work on his anxieties all over again when he comes back to New York and his brothers have new and developed skills and fighting styles

7. These boys turtle pile. They also love water and basking. Over the 2 years Leo is gone they don’t do this as it feels wrong to do it without him

8. When the dust settles and a year or so has passed since the movie, Leo invites his brothers to go to the jungle he trained in and spend a month there to work on their skills and to have a nice holiday. Not what many class as a vacation but they actually thrive in the environment. Leo misses the jungle and it was a large part of him, so he wants to share its importance with his brothers.

9. Raph is VERY protective of his brothers. After the movie and his fallout with Leo, this is turned up to the extreme until they all ambush him and get him to relax. Turtle piles.

10. Mikey is one of those people that can eat literal nuclear waste and be fine. He has an iron stomach

11. As I always say, Mikey has ADHD

12. Mikey is also very bad at directions and maps. He can navigate by remembering landmarks and have a rough idea of the direction he came from, but he gets too distracted and wanders off. As a kid, Splinter had to put one of those long leads on him when he went to the surface.

13. The PB&J mischief duo is real. Both of them like chaos too much and form alliances against Raph and Leo

14. Raph is very very scarred. He has a habit of jumping in front of weapons and getting into fights too often

15. Leo has a specific cleaning routine for his katana he does everyday without fail. He will not class training as being finished until he has done this.

16. Leo is a terrible driver. Mikey is actually very good

17. Mikey is good at ventriloquism. He totally doesn’t exploit this talent in the lair

That’s all I can think of for now!

[pb-dot]

It's Peebsday

I don't normally make a big ado about my birthday, I don't like creating a fuss, and it doesn't exactly help that I share the date this year with another one of those apocalypticly pivotal US elections, as well as the always very important "Castiel goes to superhell day." This year though? I said fuck it, it's time to Make A Post.

The passing year has been frustrating for me along multiple angles. My efforts to seek therapy has been thwarted by the local healthcare bueracracy becoming temporarily very hostile to people looking for help with anything more complex than the most unambigiously diagnosed and treatment-responsive of cases, which is bad news for my treatment-resistant ass. On the bright side, this radio silence from the Healthcare State has prompted me to reflect on my condition, and even seek out an autism diagnosis, although the jury's still out on whether that's something I'll actually get or if I'll remain as one of God's Originals, too normal to diagnose, too abnormal to function? Time, I suppose, will tell.

As is perhaps typical for us Writerly Types, Employment has also been a struggle this year. This frustration in particular grew to a fever pitch over the summer, as my "Job Guy" from the local employment office went so thoroughly AWOL I still haven't been able to confirm whether he still works there or not. To her credit, his eventual replacement has shown great interest in getting me into a job that doesn't rely almost entirely on what I've now come to understand to be my ability to mask, or as I've referred to it, my "normal person cosplay."

There is, however, one bright side of this otherwise very frustrating state of affairs. I am writing. I'm not writing as much as I'd like, but it's way more consistent than I've ever done it, and it's at a pace I think I'll be able to maintain even under the duress of employment. Hell, it's even not a thing I need to worry about publishing, since I'm chucking it all out in the aether via a mailing list twice monthly. It won't pay the bills or anything since the mailing list is free, but it's not like my efforts at getting TCB published has gotten me anywhere either.

Thereafter, or as I would call it if I was angry at it, Thereafter Book 1: The City After The End, is a very fun book to work with. The concept of a postapocalyptic city made out of the flotsam and jetsam of destroyed fantasy worlds is ripe with opportunities for fun worldbuilding as well as a very effective underlying conflict. If our heroes don't figure their shit out and help everyone's going to panic and starve and things won't be very magical at all. Speaking of the heroes, the antagonistic-but-flirting-but-kinda-over-it banter between the four protagonists is a real blast to write, although I try to not over-indulge to actually get that fun plot I'm talking about going.

I feel like I'm laying it on thick here, but this isn't exactly me advertising the thing (although I will link the mailing list if it should rouse some interest,) as much it is talking about what a joy it is to write the thing. We writers should get better at that, I think. Yeah, some times writing sucks, and is difficult and hurts, but you know what? Some times it's not. A lot of the time for me, actually. Writing has a noticeable impact on my mental health. My last therapist noted that I seemed considerably less depressed than usual when I wrote the first draft of His Impossible Brushstrokes during NaNo last year.

So that's my year in brief review. It's been a tough year for me. Bearable? Yes, certainly, the fact that things are difficult right now only further motivates what I've come to call my "slightly overtuned sense of fairness and justice," and people have come to call "the reason you're so pissed off all the time."

It's not all bad though. I've come to really appreciate Writeblr as a community. Yeah we're all stressed and probably worrying about Writing The Middle Part, but I do find the cameraderie refreshing. @owlsandwich and @teacupsandstarlight in particular have been lights in my life, both thanks to their neverending patience in beta-reading Thereafter chapters with little to no warning, and in their boundless enthusiasm and commiseration with my various rants. You two have made a pretty shit year so much better just by being around!

Anyway, link to Thereafter below, it is 13 chapters long at the moment, book 1 is slated to be roughly 23-24 chapters long, but you know how it is with this kind of thing. Also if you've read this far I love you and hope you have as good of a Destiel Goes To Superhell Day as possible (also if you're an eligible voter in the US I pray of you that you Vote, I don't know if I have another Trump presidency in me and I don't even live over there.)

[tettaki]

a peek into kisaki’s head.

tw: depression, thoughts of suicide, bullying, abuse.

Tetta’s brows furrowed as he picked up the find; a worn booklet thick with pages that had been scribbled on endlessly. He’s not sure why it’s in his office but looking at this book in his hands.. he’s 10 years old again in the closet of his room with a flashlight and a blanket over his head with the sounds of screaming, thumping, the sound of glass being thrown. But it was a distant sound— he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s gotten so good tuning the sounds out or if he’s teleported back and sounds don’t sound as scary as they did.

He had always been a smart child even outside of his academic achievements, he spent a lot of time by himself so he liked to journal because it had been his only outlet to express his feelings. No one had been open to him— no one had been kind enough to show him any kind of empathy or emotional support, so he had to become emotionally mature at a very young age.

Today is Tuesday.

Journal entry #276

I don’t like hurting others so I don’t understand why people like hurting me?

Is there something wrong with me? Or am I doing something wrong? There has to be. Mommy and daddy don’t like me very much.. they’re never home and fight so much that they forget about me. Yesterday was my birthday and I didn’t get a cake or birthday wish like the other kids at school.. It’s ungrateful and selfish to want those things but I can’t help it. Maybe that’s my problem.

There’s a something akin to sadness on Tetta’s face as he reads on— it’s bringing up memories and feelings that he’s buried deep in his heart, left for dead and never to be thought of again. Sad.. when was the last time he’s felt such a childish emotion?

Why does it feel.. good? Why does it feel warm like a comfort? Like he can feel his 29 year old self hug his 10 year old self? It feels phantom— like a spiritual phenomenon that he can’t explain.

Today is Thursday.

Journal entry #277

I don’t have friends.

I’ve tried many times to become close with the others in my class but they’re mean to me. They seem to only like me when I can help them on homework or on our tests.. but outside of that they call me names and make fun of me.. sometimes even hurt me after school. I overheard them talking about me during lunch but I can’t help things like how I look.. I need glasses to see! And I know I’m not very strong right now.. but one day I will be and I’ll prove everyone wrong.

I’ve always wanted to dye my hair a cool color.. I think I like how blonde looks. I’ll try one day. :)

Tetta smiles to himself despite the hurt— he did end up bleaching his whole head at some point in his early teens. It was a terribly done job but that was to be expected from a boy who wanted nothing more than to look cool.

Today is Sunday.

Journal entry #278

I don’t like myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m better off being gone but I’m so scared of being gone and no one would care about it.. I think that’s worse than death itself. I think I would rather be a burden than.. being forgotten about. But I don’t want to feel anything anymore.. Maybe I should—

Tetta’s interrupted by a soft knock followed by a feminine voice. “Mr. Kisaki, your nine o’clock meeting is waiting for you down in the foyer.” One of his assistants pops her head into his office. Tetta looks around and he feels like he’s back in the present moment again. He pretends like he’s not shaken up even though he feels a bit disoriented— disturbed and distracted.

“Oh.” He clears his throat. “That’s fine. Show them the wine selection and offer them a nice snack. I’ll be down shortly.”

[thenextdawn-temporarilyclosed]

You’re Alive Pt. 3

Pt. 2 HERE

Word count: 1.3K

Summary: your birthday wasn’t like any other birthday, because it was your last one, or at least so you thought.

Warnings: angst, (lots of it) suicide attempt, depression, drug addiction

Pairing: Wednesday X Fem!Reader

The chapter full of angst y’all have been asking for! Hope you like it 🖤✨

———

And just like that another year passed. Another year of nothing but shit and depression. You had fallen back in depression, you would take anti depression pills every day, maybe you’re even addicted to them but you didn’t care. It’s not like someone cared for you anyway, sheriff Galpin had also given up on you. You were now almost 20 and your like has been nothing but shit. You had lost a lot of weight and you didn’t use your power anymore. It consisted in telekinesis and making things look prettier, but the “pretty” part in your life had apparently vanished and now everything you touched died.

However, you were still trying to make Nevermore a pretty place, but unluckily it wasn’t working. Wednesday promised she’s come back, yet none of it was working… your soul was slowly dying inside of you and so were you. You felt empty, you still kept thinking that you didn’t deserve all the lies they told you. You had decided, you wanted to end it all, it hurt and a lot. You had a lot of medication so you decided to just go for it and take all the pills you had. You wanted to die of overdose. At this point you knew that no one would be coming back for you, like Wednesday promised. This was just another lie, and you were probably just a pawn in her big game.

You had decided to write Wednesday a goodbye letter, if she ever came looking for you. You debated on writing it even for Weems, but eventually you decided not to, because this was part of their plans, this all because they made you suffer, so you needed to feel the guilt. Then on your birthday you decided to do it. You were in the balcony enjoying the last sunrise of your life, on your birthday and it was beautiful, almost as if it was inviting you to take your life and make beautiful sunrises and sunsets. You went back in the room, going in Wednesday’s bed to try and smell whatever bit remained of Wednesday’s vanilla perfume in there as you took each pill you had. At least you were going out with the relaxing sound of the birds chirping and the wind whistling between the leaves.

You started feeling cold, then you started loosing perception of your limbs. You started sweating and you slowly became very pale. You started breathing slower and your heart beat slower than what it should be and you slowly felt yourself loose consciousness as you fell into that dee sleep you have always dreamed of.

Just then, Wednesday came into the room, looking for you. And saw you laid on what used to be her bed emotionless. She thought you were asleep, so she sat down on the bed, sitting next to you as she put a hand on your shoulder. “(Y/N), Happy birthday” she said, but after shaking you for a while, she noticed that you weren’t responding. “(Y/N), wake up” she said and shook you harder, then feeling your pulse she realized it was very weak. She started crying as she called for an ambulance. “Please don’t leave me, wake up I’m so sorry” she said and tried giving you CPR, however it wasn’t working, you weren’t waking up and she kept crying and apologizing. “(Y/N) I’m so so sorry, please don’t leave me I love you so much-“

You could hear a very distant voice as you kept slipping away. You didn’t even try to fight back, you just wanted to get away from this world that had done you so bad. The ambulance soon arrived and took you away, leaving Wednesday alone in her old room. She looked around for any kind of note and she found a letter.

To Wednesday.

I don’t know if you’re ever gonna come back for me like you promised, I don’t think so at this point. It’s something hard for me to accept but at this point I don’t have any choice, right?

I loved you so much during the few years that I had you in my life. It sucked then too, but it was better than how it turned when you all “died” and even worst than when I found out that you have been lying to me this whole time.

This should be a goodbye letter but it’s time you all realize that it’s your fault I did this. I lost everything. I lost you, I lost Weems, I lost Sheriff Galpin, too. At some point during those years he had become kind of my father, but when he saw I got addicted to my anti-depression pills. He did the best thing, no one wants to have an addict to care for.

Now you must be wondering why today. The reason is simple… I was sure you wouldn’t come, but then if there was a day you’d come it would have been my birthday. Even if it’s not my birthday… well at least you know why. If you’re here years after I committed suicide, you’ll probably find a body that’s in late decomposition. At least I’m sure you’ll find something you like.

I didn’t ask much of you Wednesday. I just wanted you to let me know you were safe. I get it that it was hard, but no one is taking it out on my head that there were thousand of ways for you to let me know you were okay and you didn’t dare use even one.

These are maybe all the reasons why I committed suicide. I just wanted to make you understand why I did what I did and why it was your fault.

This being said, I love you so much Nes. I know what I did was selfish but I just couldn’t handle it anymore. Please understand this.

Goodbye.

After reading that letter she crumbled down to her knees. Everything hurt, she did this to you and for the first time she cried desperately. She had cried before, but not desperately like this. In the room came Weems that had taken Wednesday there and she tried to help her up, however the girl pushed her away. “I’m sorry- I’m sorry I did this to her-“ she sobbed out and Weems there tried to support her, with tears in her eyes she helped her up to her feet. “Come on let’s go to the hospital…”

The two of them headed to the hospital behind the ambulance and as soon as they got in they saw doctors trying to bring you back. It had now been 20 minutes of you without a heartbeat and they were giving up. “What? No, you have to keep going!” Wednesday said between sobs. “Miss, we can’t she’s gone-“ Wednesday interrupted her “SHE’S NOT GONE! TRY AGAIN” the doctors looked at each other before trying again with the defibrillator. You got a slow but steady heartbeat. “She’s back, good job everyone. Intubare her and give her an IV” Wednesday sighed of relief as they were brought out to a waiting room. After a couple hours, they were let in your room. You were intubated as you had troubles breathing, but you were safe.

Still sweating because of the overdose, you were laying motionless in the hospital bed. Wednesday tried to keep in the tears but she just couldn’t, she burst out once again. She hugged you for what was possible for her as she cried on your shoulder before speaking to you gently. 

“(Y/N) I’m so sorry for what I caused you. It was never my intention, I never would have figured out that you’d react like this… I overestimated the way you react. I’m so sorry, just please come back to me…”

Tagging those who asked for part three: @nachoishere @dreifhraniquo29 @tundra1029 @suiseistellar

[no-where-new-hero]

On this fine Sunday afternoon, I shall sit down with my scripture (Emily of New Moon) and perform my devotions (catch up on book club commentary). In the interest of space, I'll try to keep this short.

Chapter 9: A Special Providence

The knack of turning this novel epistolary with the Father letters is one of LMM's best narrative decisions because she is, at heart, a voice writer, and I just saw in the lovely interview on craft that @gogandmagog posted that LMM loved writing in first person despite discouragement from her editors, so this way she gets to have her cake and eat it too. She also establishes Emily as a woman of text, specifically, as opposed to Anne, who got away with first person narration through non-stop chatter. Emily as a character is much quieter and more introverted, so her ability to blither through letter-writing kills many birds with one stone. It's also astronomically funny.

"I felt so insulted that I came up to the garret and wrote a deskription of myself being drowned on a letter-bill and then I felt better." Legitimately, Emily has died so much in her imagination in the course of nine chapters. You'd think her self-dramatization would be for good things, but no, she gets her revenge on people through self-destruction. Which is very funny as a child but also sets up her depressive nature as an adult very well.

Chapter 10: Growing Pains

Reading Rhoda's betrayal hurts every time! Also since the last time I read this, I went through a Rhoda experience of my own, soooo yeah not fun. Interestingly, I think Rhoda is the only one who gets a definite birthday other than Emily in the whole book. She doesn't reflect well on Cancers 💀

"Just cut a good big bang. Lots of the girls have their hair banged clean from the crown of their heads." This description always confused me because that kind of style sounds like a description of the "Dutch boy bob" that only came into fashion 30 years later (in the 20s). Also when I Googled hair being "shingled" it's basically also a bob? Maybe more of what we'd consider a pixie cut today, though it seems to be referred to as a "shingle bob" and therefore close enough to what Emily would have wanted. (I am a bit obsessed by how the "Pringle shingle" anticipated the 90s Winona Ryder style pixie cut craze). Though of course Aunt Elizabeth wouldn't have done this cut with any style in any case lol.

Chapter 11: Ilse

Emily aka Jane Eyre fanfiction strikes again. This is, though, a rare instance of New Moon itself being hostile to Emily in a way that isn't ever shown elsewhere. Though the house represents the motherliness that Emily lacks from people, it also has its dark patches that Emily must rebel against, though she only thinks she rebelling against Aunt Elizabeth.

Oh, Ilse my beloved. She has many endearing lines that show the depth of her neglect, but I think this one hit most for me this time: "And you won't be ashamed of me because my clothes are always queer and because I don't believe in God?" I also love how both she and Emily know exactly what their futures will be at this moment and both succeed in them.

Chapter 12: The Tansy Patch

I never focus much on the descriptions in this book because they come thick and fast, but I noticed this time how many flowers grow around the Tansy Patch, nearly suffocating the built structures. This is a place of surface beauty if festering neglect--much like Mrs. Kent's treatment of Teddy.

"He washes the dishes for her and helps her in all the house work. Ilse says the boys in school call him sissy for that but I think it is noble and manley of him." LMM saying fuck gender roles.

"I guess Ilse wants Teddy to like her best but she is not a jellus girl." The love triangle begins.

"I read the story of Red Riding Hood to-day. I think the wolf was the most intresting caracter in it. Red Riding Hood was a stupid little thing so easily fooled." RIP Emily Starr, you would have loved Angela Carter.

Reader, I did not keep this short. Second post incoming soon.

[xdesiress]

IT IS ABOUT TIME!!

I will be listing some byi and dnis here, besides some side informations. I'd highly appreciate you reading it if you're new to this blog!

So to not clog, everything will be under the cut.

Greetings you may refer to me as Desireè, Desires, or Galaxy, a Brazilian artist who's birthday is at the 9th of March :)

/I/ use mainly he/they pronouns. I do not mind what you refer to me as, but I'd appreciate these two most.

My Instagram account is mainly for cosplaying now, and SCPTale is used for an SCP x Undertale crossover project I'm working on with a very close friend of ours.

I also have a TikTok but only post MLP content there as of the moment. I DONT USE ANY OTHER SOCIALS. DO NOT TRUST ANY THAT ISNT LISTED HERE.

I like SCP, zombie media, Dark Deception, Skullgirls, Minecraft, Monster High, My Little Pony and more.

I have a Discord server for friends and moots that is SCP themed, anyone is free to join so long as you message me privately for a link! We tend to play games, watch movies/series or draw together in Voice Chats a lot, sometimes we just talk and info dump to each other.

⚠️ I don't mind my Art being used for PFPs BUT YOU MUST CREDIT ME. ⚠️

If I've known you or followed you for a longer while you are free to ask to just add me there and not join the server itself, I don't mind it either. I'd love more buddies to talk to.

Asks are likely to be always open as well as my PMs unless something dire happens, so feel free to shoot a message anytime! I don't bite!

At that.. feel free to ask these Alagadda goobers ;)

_______

DO NOT :

- Reblog my artwork with hate. (Ex; specific character praising and bashing another one involved. I deeply love all the characters I draw and it really saddens me when I see that happen.)

- Ship my Rubedo with Nigredo.

- Whitewash my characters.

- Tag my work with Br/ght. Refer to the BYI section for insight.

- 049-J hate. Just don't, please.

BYI :

- As someone with new access to psychiatrists and medications, I am still trying to figure out just what exactly affects us. It is important to note that the i take BPD and Depression meds and as well am on a list for possible ADHD and Autism. Mood outbursts and unintentional blindness to how I speak is bound to happen and not intentional. Please, let me know if I accidentally say something hurtful.

- Despite having taught myself English for 2 to 3 years it is still not the best and I don't know a lot. Have patience with my grammar and be polite. I am also learning French and Spanish and on the same page in those regards.

- People who still use Br/ight, I /gen won't block you or anything. You can talk to me and everything. But please do not tag my work with his name! Only THEN will I take any action, especially if it's under artwork I make of any of my friends' versions.

- I would likely prefer that people under 15 don't interact with my blog, unless I already know you and you already follow me for a longer time. Then you're chill! I won't block you or anything, it's moreso for your own good than anything, really.

- Talk to me about my hyperfixations and I'll love you for YEARS.

DO NOT INTERACT :

- If you think I owe you explanations about my personal life. What I want to speak of freely I will, what I don't, I won't.

- Basic DNI criteria.

- You hate on furries 'just because'. I'm not one, but I'm not ignorant to people just having fun.

- If you partake on discourse every second of your life and try to drag me into it. I don't have the emotional stability to deal with that type of stuff.

- If you plan on acting like a jerk and drastically change my character designs into something that erases their traits.

MORE TO BE ADDED SOON.

[cheeky-cheerios]

I Feel Like I Have Been Depressed Since I Was 7

I just remembered a few years ago, that I used take a dull knife and press it against my chest when I was around 7 years old. I did that multiple times. I remember questioning why was I even born.

I grew up with my grandma because my mum has to work for me, my sister, my granddparents and her sister (my aunt) who is only 5 years older than me, my aunt was also still studying at that time. My mum supported all of us. My father had another family, so since I was a baby my mum had to work in the city, which was 2 hours from home. She stayed in the city during the weekdays and only went home on the weekends since we didn't have a car (we couldn't afford to buy one) and public transport wasn't reliable.

I grew up poor but I knew my mum was doing her best and was working very hard. There were times when we had to loan canned goods from the small store near our house. I felt embarassed to ask the store owner to loan us more food at times when our credit became too big, but had no choice because we didn't have anything to eat for dinner. Despite those hard times, my mum tried her best to celebrate our birthdays. She bought us cakes and cooked our favourite dishes. She also tried her best to be close to me and my sisters, and we still are close to her to this day.

My grandpa and grandma were strict, but I understand why. My mum entrusted me and my sister to their care. My grandpa had a terrible temper but he was quite funny when he was in the mood. My grandma on the other hand, is a strong willed woman and a hardworker. She was a seamstress so she used go to her cousin who ran a business sewing curtains. My sister and I will tag along with her when she delivered the curtains. She helped my mum to provide for our family.

When I started high school, my mum decided to work overseas. She wanted me and my sister to go to a good school. I felt lost when she was away. I went through puberty without a lot of guidance. I guess, I went through childhood thinking that I didn't have anyone to rely on. The adults in my life were busy trying to make ends meet. I couldn't say this to my mum because I don't want to hurt her afterall the sacrifices she has done for us. I have always felt alone but had always wore a mask in front of my family. I was always the cheerful one. I didn't want my sister to feel how lonely and hard life was for me. I wanted her to have a better perspective in life, although now I know that I had little power to change how she would've perceived life.

All I wanted to say is I never felt not sad in my life. There happy moments for sure, but the bigger picture is always the same. I feel lonely and wants life to stop because I am tired. Now as an adult, I always fee like I have to push myself to get the smallest / simplest things done, even the things that I used to enjoy doing which felt natural for me to do ended up feeling like impossible to do. I am so tired.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Wibta for asking a long distance friend if she even wants to be friends anymore?

My friend and I have been friends since uni and lived together for two of those years. Since uni finished over a decade ago, we both moved back to our hometowns but stayed in touch via our phones and, what used to be, annual meet ups.

The first summer after uni, she came down to stay with me for five days. But for the next few years, I travelled to visit her for five days each year (including travel days) because I was earning more and had a more stable job, so it was easier for me to take longer off (to accommodate the travel days and pay for actually travelling).

In 2018, I didn't have a lot of leave left, so I asked her to come visit me and comprised that I would pay for her travel costs.

In 2019, I suggested that we go on holiday together, promising to make it a cheap one. (It came to £300 including flights, accommodation, food, and spending money. I know because I paid for it all and she paid me back.)

Then, we had plans to go away in 2020 and I would pay for flights and hotel because it was her 30th. Obviously, covid scrapped our plans until 2022, but we did get away.

None of this is a problem. I don't mind paying for things and having her pay me back (or not, if I've offered it as a gift). I don't mind making things a lower budget, like just me going to hers or her coming to mine. I think always have a great time together.

But I feel like now, it's very hard to get her to meet up with me at all and it's really hurting my feelings. A couple of times when restrictions eased in the UK, I suggested that I could come up to see her, but she said that there's not a bed in the spare room anymore (I have an airbed, I could bring).

I asked her last year, when I was going through a pretty depressive spell, if I could come up and see her, but she said that the only time I could come was during a three day period when her parents were away, which was the only time she'd have a free bed. I asked if her parents were only away for three days and she said yes.

(I thought this to be odd because they don't usually go away for such a short time, and she later admitted, likely because she forgot I asked, that her parents were away for a week.)

I said that I couldn't travel 7 hours on the Monday to travel 7 hours back on the Wednesday because that wouldn't really be a break.

I recently asked if she would come down for a week in about six months time and she said she would have to see closer to the time.

Also, just for reference, work is no longer a concern for her because she's on disability benefits, so it's not like she can't get the time off work. She doesn't have kids or any dependents.

And, I would understand if her mobility prevented her from travelling, but she's gone to stay in a caravan with her other friends recently. She's going to stay in a cottage holiday with family next month. And, I could always come to her, if she would just let me.

And, as for money, I would again pay for her travel costs, because I know money is tight for her. And I've always paid for my own food at hers, so it's not like she would have to pay more for for if I was there.

In addition, and my reason for being so upset tonight, we are supposed to have a weekly night where we watch TV together and text about it. But there have been multiple occasions where she has cancelled last minute and it hasn't been an emergency. (Think... My aunt is coming round, I have to go drop a birthday present off). She did it twice this weekend... Once, moving it to Sunday and then cancelling on Sunday about 40 minutes before we were supposed to start.

Last minute cancellations really bother me because it's really disrespectful of my time. Yes, this weekend I didn't have anything on but that's because I have it in my calandar and plan my other events around it.

But I feel like I might be the ah (at least because of the meeting up thing) because I have the privilege of being able-bodied and well-off, so travelling isn't a big deal to me.

It just feels like she doesn't care as much about maintaining the friendship and I'm bending over backwards to make accommodations.

What are these acronyms?

[tma-entity-song-poll]

Battle of the Fear Bands B2R1: The Corruption

WORMS (In My Brain):

“worms as metaphor for depression,,,,“isn’t it crazy what squirms inside,,,,” its all very “you can’t escape these fucking worms,,,,,” Also it goes fucking HARD as HELL”

Sweet:

“The "compulsive incestuous heterosexuality under the influence of psychotropic candy" song!”

Note: The first piece of propaganda to have me concerned.

Lyrics below the line!

WORMS (In My Brain):

All kinds of funny And I'm so lazy Try and hang around and it'll drive you crazy And isn't it bad? (Oh-oh-oh) That I'm just distracted but I'm still sad (oh-oh-oh) Can't believe that this is where I'm at Isn't it crazy that I'm still sad Despite the love and all the care and the friends I have? Isn't it crazy that I'm still sad? (There's so much space) Isn't it crazy what squirms inside? These motherfuckers get stronger with pesticide Isn't it crazy what squirms inside? I think it's driving me insane The worms in my brain I changed my address I changed my own name Can't get away Get away The source of my pain The worms in my brain If I dig them out I'd dig my own grave Can't get away Get away from them I said to the doctor "Take a look at my head" 'Cause it's been ten long years since it's even been checked He told me "Come over here" Took a look in my ear and said "Fuck" (What the fuck is happening?) You've got worms in your brain They drive you insane You changed your address You changed your own name Can't get away Get away The source of your pain The worms in your brain If you dig them out You'd dig your own grave Can't get away Get away from them I got worms I got worms I got worms Inside my head I got worms I got worms I got worms Inside my head It's really okay, y'know Like, I've always wanted a pet And it's actually kinda cute when they feed off my flesh Like, sure, they were like kinda hard to deal with at first But I kinda got used to the way that it hurts And I really think you're overreacting And it's kinda distracting Like I know it sounds bad But, like, why are you looking at me like that? Oh, hold on two secs There's one crawling out of my ear right now Fuck these worms I think it's driving me insane (Woah-oh) The worms in my brain (Woah-oh) I changed my address I changed my own name Can't get away Get away The source of my pain (Woah-oh) The worms in my brain (Woah-oh) If I dig them out I'd dig my own grave Can't get away Get away from them I got worms I got worms I got worms Inside my head I got worms I got worms I got worms Inside my head I got worms I got worms I got worms Inside my head I got worms I got worms I got worms Inside my head Ooh That one, that one

Sweet:

Hello, my candy coated darling, it's your vanilla baby I've come to say I love you and I always have I find it so amusing, I used to be confused and Afraid that you would never love me Back but now I see that we were always meant to be You and me forever planting lots of family trees Counting out our children, half a zillion at least We'll name the boys for you and we will name the girls for me Haa haa haa Haa haa haa Hello, the sour peach of my skin, the sweetest poison icing So tasty it could rot your teeth and brain The chaotic consumption, the diabetic gumption To do a thing like make me go insane And leave this plane of reality completely Float among the clouds of pink and blue cotton candy Let's blast into space and race around like aeroplanes Spreading multicolored chemtrails, soda pop, and acid rain Feels so neat Never wanna be myself again I just wanna be sweet (sweet) Feels so fun Never wanna come back down Feels so neat Never wanna be myself again I just wanna be sweet (sweet) Feels so fun Never wanna come back down Come back down Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa) Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa) Haa (haa) haa (haa) Goodbye to heartbreak on my birthday, annoying boys who hurt me With all the stupid things they do and say I can't even remember what I was so upset for Spun sugar melts in water anyway So no more crying, dry those tears, I'll end your pain Soon you'll feel the cherry syrup running through your veins Heaven is a grinning face with not a trace of shame Take a taste of every flavour, favor anything but plain Feels so neat Never wanna be myself again I just wanna be sweet (sweet) Feels so fun Never wanna come back down Feels so neat Never wanna be myself again I just wanna be sweet (sweet) Feels so fun Never wanna come back down Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa) Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa) Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa) Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa) Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa) Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa) Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa)Haa (haa) haa (haa) haa (haa)

[sunsetkerr]

dont wanna be depressing, but how do you deal with parenting your dad?

- 💛 (anon who parents both parents)

hi my love, welcome 💛

I’m more than happy to dive into this, but it's gonna be longggg so I will put this under the cut so I don’t get too sad on main lol, but- quick tw beforehand: heavy drug addiction, anxiety disorder, smoking, drinking, infidelity, parenting your parents, absent father and mentions of suicidal thoughts.

quick backstory! my parents were very on and off throughout my entire childhood. my dad cheated on my mum a total of 13 times, what a guy! my mum? literally the most girl boss, resilient woman I have ever met. worked 3 jobs whilst she was pregnant because my dad was on meth and ice at the time.

so my parents finally broke up for the last time when I was eight.

I saw my dad once a week, until he blew up on me for wanting to call my mum to say goodnight, on the night of my 10th birthday. he went ballistic at me and after that, I didn't leave the house apart from school for a year because I would have panic attacks every time I went somewhere.

my dad is very embarrassing. he's not just emotionally abusive to me, but to his mum, sister and my cousins (without realising the extent of his actions). he is very 'poor me, I'm the vicitm' which is something I have noticed recently.

I really am the only person that my dad has. he now realises that because I'm an adult now, he cannot treat me like a little kid, because I will leave. I dont tolerate that behaviour, I am not as forgiving as my mother.

last year, my dad blew up on my grandad who is 81 and has dementia. my grandma and him haven't spoken since. a few nights ago, my dad rang me around 8pm, and I instantly thought 'what does he want now?'. because he only calls me when needs/wants something.

my dad is on the phone drunk and ends up getting onto the topic of my grandma not speaking to him. he's crying on the phone to me, tells me how he was going to k*ll himself when I was a kid, but that I was the only thing keeping him alive. very fucked, a lot to put on your 20 year old daughter.

he says that he needs my help to repair his relationship with my grandma, and everyone else. that he knows he can always count on me.

it's a sad thing to have to parent your 51 year old father, and have those big hurtful conversations about what he's done wrong and trying to keep him in check. but it's the reality for lots of us! know that you're completely not alone in this. I am really lucky that I have the best mum in the world, she is my best friend and I would definitely be a different person if I didn't have her to rely on.

so to hear that you have to parent both of your parents is really upsetting and im so sorry. im sorry you've had to grow up so quickly, because that is mostly the case in these scenarios. my biggest tip would be to look after you. it's okay to break down, I did the other night for the first time in a while.

its really hard to talk to people about it, because lots of people dont get it. my boyfriend grew up with a classic white-picket fence family and has no idea how to handle the things that I say to him about my dad, but he's trying.

as long as you are getting some kind of support, you will be okay. and if you're not, make time to support yourself. remember, you are the only person that you have forever. you start your life with your parents, but your life doesn't end with them- your life ends with you, so take care of you.

im really sorry that this is reality for you. im sending you so much love, and if you ever need someone to vent to about parenting your parents (or anything else) I'm here <3 thank you for feeling comfortable enough to reach out to me.

[virtualtoybox]

Okay so. People who have followed me for a while probably know this but to new friends and mutuals and the like here is the August breakdown.

At the end of August are the anniversary dates of 1.) My dads birthday, 2.) My mom and dads wedding anniversary, and 3.) The day my dad passed away from cancer. All in one week! I was 2 weeks away from being 2 years old when it happened, and 23 years later it still feels like an open wound. And your body has muscle memory for grief yknow? So it hurts so much worse every August. My mom and sisters and i all get so depressed,, we try to make the best of things and celebrate his life how we can but it's so hard. It's so sososo hard. I honestly can't talk about him at all without sobbing (Currently crying as I type this up even 😭)

Please understand that August is an extremely hard time for my family, and because of that I may be online very little- or maybe I'll be on a lot more than usual! I really don't know! I don't know what will end up being best so we will see.

That being said I always joke that August is "birthday prep month" because of my birthday on September 17th- of which I also have some trauma surrounding that date as well (my first psych ward visit was late at night on the 16th- spent my 13th birthday in the ward) so expect me to be like. Annoying about being excited for my birthday? It's how I counteract the extreme amounts of negative emotions surrounding the next couple of weeks. Oh also especially becus this year on September 16th marks an official 10 years since my last psych ward visit so like. Yea!! That's what's going on !!!!

[allisonzoeann-]

I’m so lonesome and there’s nothing I can do about it.

The holidays passing and treating them like a normal day. I just now realized I was the one to facilitate the family getting together for Christmas and Thanksgiving for years now. That opportunity has been taken from me, but I also am realizing it’s not important to anyone else.

It was only important to me because I am lonesome. No one is as lonely as me. Mom has God. My sister’s have their partners and/or kids. My dad has a team of caretakers and friends he adores.

The years I didn’t cook, spend a lot on drinks, and host, my birthday didn’t get celebrated.

No one cared about my graduation. No roses or even someone to even take a picture of me in my gown.

Even within a relationship, we did nothing unless I planned it, and I stopped planning because something would always get in the way. It wasn’t important to him, only me. I was belittled for being hurt.

If you were the only one that tried to make the time to connect with everyone around you, you would be hurt too, especially for plans to be cancelled so casually. I keep my commitments for everyone else. If something happens, I make up for it. No one does that for me.

In both instances, familial and intimate, if I don’t put in the effort to make connection happen, no one else will. I’ve been putting in all this legwork for years.

No one wants to celebrate the good times with me unless I facilitate it, so why wouldn’t I self isolate in the times when I look at any object and my first thought is how I can kill myself with it? I cannot facilitate someone else being good to me when I’m in my darkest moments, and frankly, I don’t trust any of them motherfuckers to. The only one I did, kicked me while I was down. Fought with me while I’m in a hospital wearing laceless shoes. Jumped at the chance to make it about himself when I reached out for help. Fucking criticized for my “same depressing thoughts.”

He hasn’t changed from the first time I said “I feel like I could have a gun in my mouth, and you will still find it more pressing to say whatever it is you want to say.” Honestly, he’s probably worse.

He is fucking cruel and callous. The rest are just selfish. At the very least they don’t care.

I feel like there is a galaxy sized hole in my heart that I want filled so badly. I try to fill it by taking care of everyone else around me. I try to fill it by overextending myself. I try to fill it by contorting my body to fit into multiple roles at once, mother, caretaker, mediator, host, housewife. I try to fill it by making it a priority to be available for people that don’t return the favor.

After all this, the hole is still there, growing bigger and more vast by the day. I can’t fill it anymore.

After years of pouring myself out of this cup, no one will even give me an ounce. Not a drop. Bone-dry.

I’m going to shatter.

[jyndor]

my grandparents being absolute shitheads is almost certainly a response to the generational trauma associated with my family fleeing Ireland during the famine (a product of british imperialism). there is so much anxiety, depression, adhd, ptsd, etc in my family. I know a little of the traumas that my paternal grandma and grandpa went through to survive as children in absolute poverty in manhattan during and after the depression. I know that trauma had an impact on my grandparents when they got rich.

and that's just on my dad's side.

I can respect that without condoning the shitheadery, the racism, the buy-in to us american whiteness in the name of money and safety and power, the shit they did to THEIR kids, the shit THEIR kids did to MY generation. Empathy and understanding sure, but I don't know how to forgive them. or their parents, or THEIR parents, who had to endure God knows what to bring their families here but also who hurt those families in so many ways.

I feel very deeply the lack of culture, the emptiness of white us american-ness; I always have. when I was a baby and my parents chose to move from new york to delaware for a job, I felt the lack of family every holiday when my friends got to just go over to all their families' homes, or when they'd talk about hanging out after school with their grandparents and cousins. I felt the lack of culture when I'd see my friends going through confirmation or having bar/bat mitzvahs, or when I'd go hang out with my friends from cultures that they were still connected to.

so I have mixed feelings about going to family thanksgiving celebrations - and I am not going this year, I don't go most years tbh - because to me, the idea that my family would want to celebrate a holiday based on colonial mythology and genocide is particularly vomitous to me.

this year my sister is very ill and so my parents aren't doing anything (we might get together this weekend, but idk). my birthday is on the 30th, so maybe we'll say it's for that instead.

I think the most insidious part of thanksgiving is that on its face, it's hard to argue with it as a concept - families coming together to be thankful for another year survived together. but what has thanksgiving always been to me? arguing about politics, long drives up to new york and later connecticut, a lot of food I can't eat and don't want to eat, pretending everything's okay when it's not. luckily my parents' generation is pretty good about all cooking together - none of that women in the kitchen while the men watch football shit (at least none that I saw growing up).

thanksgiving to me on a personal level is a veneer of thankfulness over deep pains and divisions that hasn't been resolved. it's kind of like that on a larger scale too - the very mythology at the heart of thanksgiving, the idea that the pilgrims invited the wampanoag people to some great feast at all is a fucking delusional façade over the actual story.

a façade that was commemorated in 1863 by president lincoln, that great emancipator. this of course after the trail of tears in 1830, and centuries of genocide against native americans. and then fdr, that progressive hero, made it a national holiday in 1941. months before interning japanese americans.

and people have the nerve to complain about the "turkey genocide" every year (as a vegetarian myself I reject and denounce those idiots) while still accepting the existence of a holiday built on the genocide of actual people. I like the turkey pardoning but it's also like... what the fuck kind of american bullshit is that, we pardon turkeys every year (good and cool) while millions of people are incarcerated.

truth and reconciliation necessitates recognizing historical and current harm done and working to repair that harm done. we cannot do that while celebrating thanksgiving.

land back now. reparations now. decolonization globally and domestically NOW. I'll thank my ancestors for their survival on a different day. my birthday sounds like as good a day as any tbh - what better way to thank them than to have been born and continue to live? the only better way may be to fight the very thing that made them refugees in the first place - imperialism.