#𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄 — kisaki.

[tettaki]

a peek into kisaki’s head.

tw: depression, thoughts of suicide, bullying, abuse.

Tetta’s brows furrowed as he picked up the find; a worn booklet thick with pages that had been scribbled on endlessly. He’s not sure why it’s in his office but looking at this book in his hands.. he’s 10 years old again in the closet of his room with a flashlight and a blanket over his head with the sounds of screaming, thumping, the sound of glass being thrown. But it was a distant sound— he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s gotten so good tuning the sounds out or if he’s teleported back and sounds don’t sound as scary as they did.

He had always been a smart child even outside of his academic achievements, he spent a lot of time by himself so he liked to journal because it had been his only outlet to express his feelings. No one had been open to him— no one had been kind enough to show him any kind of empathy or emotional support, so he had to become emotionally mature at a very young age.

Today is Tuesday.

Journal entry #276

I don’t like hurting others so I don’t understand why people like hurting me?

Is there something wrong with me? Or am I doing something wrong? There has to be. Mommy and daddy don’t like me very much.. they’re never home and fight so much that they forget about me. Yesterday was my birthday and I didn’t get a cake or birthday wish like the other kids at school.. It’s ungrateful and selfish to want those things but I can’t help it. Maybe that’s my problem.

There’s a something akin to sadness on Tetta’s face as he reads on— it’s bringing up memories and feelings that he’s buried deep in his heart, left for dead and never to be thought of again. Sad.. when was the last time he’s felt such a childish emotion?

Why does it feel.. good? Why does it feel warm like a comfort? Like he can feel his 29 year old self hug his 10 year old self? It feels phantom— like a spiritual phenomenon that he can’t explain.

Today is Thursday.

Journal entry #277

I don’t have friends.

I’ve tried many times to become close with the others in my class but they’re mean to me. They seem to only like me when I can help them on homework or on our tests.. but outside of that they call me names and make fun of me.. sometimes even hurt me after school. I overheard them talking about me during lunch but I can’t help things like how I look.. I need glasses to see! And I know I’m not very strong right now.. but one day I will be and I’ll prove everyone wrong.

I’ve always wanted to dye my hair a cool color.. I think I like how blonde looks. I’ll try one day. :)

Tetta smiles to himself despite the hurt— he did end up bleaching his whole head at some point in his early teens. It was a terribly done job but that was to be expected from a boy who wanted nothing more than to look cool.

Today is Sunday.

Journal entry #278

I don’t like myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m better off being gone but I’m so scared of being gone and no one would care about it.. I think that’s worse than death itself. I think I would rather be a burden than.. being forgotten about. But I don’t want to feel anything anymore.. Maybe I should—

Tetta’s interrupted by a soft knock followed by a feminine voice. “Mr. Kisaki, your nine o’clock meeting is waiting for you down in the foyer.” One of his assistants pops her head into his office. Tetta looks around and he feels like he’s back in the present moment again. He pretends like he’s not shaken up even though he feels a bit disoriented— disturbed and distracted.

“Oh.” He clears his throat. “That’s fine. Show them the wine selection and offer them a nice snack. I’ll be down shortly.”