#AND if they bring it up it’s going to be in disappointment and anger yknow?

[sharkieboi]

broke person life hack win! convinced my grandma to buy me a bookshelf for my birthday so that I don’t have to spend the money myself!

[heartfullofleeches]

JEALOUS FUCKGIRL YAN.. yknow if ya don't mind. Coughcoughilovegirlswhoaremean

She's impossible to read.

One minute she's all over you, next she's disappearing off into the crowd. You can always pick her out sooner than later, watching you like a hawk cozied up with someone side night cared to remember by morning. You've told yourself time and again this is just how she is with everyone. Sometimes the flirty, extroverted type just don't get they can't be that way with everyone before someone catches feelings, but it's that same attention that makes you feel like there's so much more going on between you. Maybe you're just overthinking it. As her closest resemblance to a friend, you know better than anyone she'd be a tough partner to have..

Friends...

"hey..."

Yea, that's what you are.

"Hey!"

Over the music and chattering crowd, it's understandable to mistake the voice as directed at someone else. It's when you look at the glossy eyes of your slightly inebriated floor mate that you realize they were talking to you. Taking your gaze, they crack a toothy smile as they move closer so you're able to hear over the music - eyes watching their every step.

"What's going on with you and Dylan? Saw you two walk in and hanging around town before. She's never been so public with one of her partners."

The punch at the bottom of your cup tastes more bitter than you remembered as you sip from it. "It's nothing like that. Had a rough week so she offered to take me somewhere tonight. We're just friends."

The stranger frowns, but their pity never reaches their eyes. "Shame. Seems like she lucked out this time cause you're kinda cute. What's your name?"

"It's-

"None of your damn business."

The scent of department store cologne and tobacco assaults your senses as her hands fall at your waist. You can feel the weight of her glare over your shoulder as the stranger sheepishly backs away from promity to you and her line of sight. Gripping your waist, she pulls you to her chest - shooting an arm around your neck to keep you pinned in place as she swallows her visible anger with whatever's left in your cup.

"Baby.." She draws with that honeyedly sweet tone only she could channel, resting her head against your cheek with a sigh as she holds you close. "I leave you alone for a second and you run off with a stranger. Never pegged you as the type to break a poor girl's heart, but here we are."

The stranger looks between the two of you as her breath fans your ear through her laughter, confusion and a hint of disappointment clear on their face. "Sorry, Dyl.. Not trying to steal your date or nothing. They said you guys were just friends..."

"We are!" You argue, unsure of your own defense as her lips meet the skin of your neck. "we..are.."

Moving to your collar, her teeth close as her arms tight around you - biting down with no real force behind it, but enough to leave a sting. "All I know is if you're not out of my fucking sight in the next ten seconds we're gonna have a big problem on our hands and depending on how settling it goes there might be a few teeth on the floor."

The stranger opens their mouth-

"10...."

Turning tail as she opens hers. Watching as they flee, you finally wriggle out of Dylan's arms enough to shove her away. "What the hell was that, Dylan."

She shrugs, having the nerve to look upset as you raise your voice. "What? They were getting in your space so I helped you out. You're welcome by the way."

"They were just talking to me- Why bring me to a public place and go talk to somebody else if you didn't want me mingling with others. Why do you always insist we're just friends to people then turn around and act like my girlfriend when people trying to get to know me. Do you want me to end up miserable and alone?"

Something snaps in Dylan's eyes at your accusations. Grabbing a fistful of your shirt she yanks you back towards her - ramming her lips and tongue against your sealed mouth as she clutches your jaw, applying pressure to pry you open for her. The taste of liquor and the tobacco you smelt on her prior spills onto your tongue; the jewelry of her inner piercing clashing against your teeth as she robs you of breath and grasp on whatever grounding your relationship had before this. Her hand dips into your back pocket as her husky eyes into yours - voice dropping to a whisper so the watching crowd hasn't a clue what she says. All that matters is that you do and understand your place.

"What we are doesn't matter right now. Only thing that does is that you are mine. Don't let anyone put any silly ideas in that pretty head that make you think that you're not. Do I make myself clear?"

You swallow the air you had been holding.

"Do. I. make myself clear."

"..yea."

"Good." Her face relaxes into the smile you've grown accustom to as she pats your cheek. "Good. Say I'd hate to have to remind you, but I've been told I'm a bad liar."

[scattered-winter]

Give us the rant my liege

(tagging @vulpinesaint because they wanted to see this as well)

ok this is. gonna get long. and im not gonna be holding anything back. and as someone who suffers from chronic Too Nice disease i need to put that disclaimer beforehand with the additional disclaimer that these are all just my opinions that have been largely brought about by my own personal experiences so im not speaking for the entire community when i give this rant.

now with all that out of the way. let me welcome you to the land of aroace WRATH

the first thing i want to say is that most of the things I'm angry abt in fandom's general treatment/views of aro/ace people are actually extensions of the general societal views toward sex and romance as a whole. I'll go more in depth as we go but I'm choosing to focus more on the fandom side of things for now since it's a lot easier to be angry at something so trivial compared to the entire (western) society that's structured against people like me.

one of the biggest things I've seen a lot in fandom/creator spaces is the urge to give every character a romantic relationship that's more "powerful" or "deep" than platonic/familial relationships. this is of course an extension of amanormativity in society as a whole, because the belief that romance is the Goal (tm) is so deeply set into society that it's taken me years of introspection and research to come to terms and find joy in my aromanticism. but it's the concept of characters not being able to be happy, or find fulfillment, or being lonely for the rest of their lives because they don't have a romantic partner. and I wish I could say queers in fandom were generally more accepting of the idea of characters never finding (or even wanting) romance but that's so far from the case because often it's queer people who are pushing this idea of romance and marriage being the Goal.

and with all the above in mind, aro/ace representation is really hard to find. I can probably count the canon aro/ace characters in any media I've ever consumed on one hand (which ofc doesn't say much about the whole scope of aro/ace rep because that's just from what I've seen/read and there's probably more out there that I've never gotten to). and the thing that really upsets me in particular is how, even in the rare instances where we do get representation, fandom collectively ignores it to shove the character into romantic/sexual relationships in fanworks. like. y'all have literally every single character to ship around with and yet y'all also take the one win we have too. smh. and then my Personal Favorite thing (/s) is when someone points out the erasure, allos' go-to thing to say is "well, ace people can still have sex! aro people can still be in relationships!!" y'all are missing the point.

I also can't think of any media I've ever seen where it's unapologetically aro/ace ?? there are quite a few pieces of media that are explicitly, unapologetically queer that I hold sooo close to my chest, but there's nothing for aro/aces outside of like. children's shows. where the romance is minor enough that it can be ignored. and not to be dramatic but I would kill a man for a piece of adult aro/ace media that actually showed the joys and connections within the communities. even media with queer representation tends to lean into the "sex/romance is what makes us human" thing, which I can't even fault the creators for because that's what society as a whole--even queer society--says, too. and of course it's unfair to hold queer media to a higher standard than normal, and that's not what I'm trying to do. it's just. even when I'm watching/reading something meant for queer people, it's still not entirely for me, yknow?? and I think I can feel disappointed about that and also not hold queer media up to a ridiculous standard.

which brings me to more of the irl shit ig !! for all the anger against people saying that aros will be alone their whole lives, there's also some truth to that, but not in the way you'd initially think. I'm not lonely because I want a girlfriend and I'm sad because I don't. I'm lonely because my whole family is going to get married. all my siblings. all my friends. they're all going to find a romantic partner, and/or a marriage, and as "just" a friend, I'm suddenly not as important as their partner. there's this idea that marriages/romantic partnerships always have to come before hobbies, careers, friends, and anything else. and if someone prioritizes something else over romance, they're "selfish." there's also this idea that breakups can only happen if one side of the partnership did something wrong. that sometimes a relationship just isn't working, or they're just not compatible (and neither side is at fault for that.) and this idea of romance and marriage being The Most Important Thing Ever is what makes me lonelier than anything. because even as a kid in school, I lost friends because they got a boyfriend and girlfriend and suddenly that was more important than anything else. including me. and as more and more of my friends and siblings get married, it's only going to get worse because I'm not as important to them anymore. and that's something I'm gonna have to deal with, even though I love being aro and there's nothing I would rather be.

[insomniac-jay]

Early Leave [GuyRissa]

Larissa thinks her day at work can't get any worse until a certain redheaded Green Lantern strodes in and demands her time.

Pairing: Guy Gardner/Larissa Malone | Furiosa (OC)

Rating: T and up

Warning(s): Swearing, workplace mistreatment, Guy being Guy

"Malone!"

Larissa groaned at her name being called. And just when her day was getting better, too. She turned to see her boss, Simon, stomp up to her with an angered look on his face.

"Are you tryin' to make us bankrupt or something?! I've been getting complaints all night about you bein' a distraction!"

Larissa honestly couldn't see why. She was dressed in the usual 1920s flapper style the other waitresses wore complete with a feather headband and pearl necklaces. The dress wasn't even form fitting so her body wouldn't have been the distraction.

"I honestly don't get what you mean. I'm obeying the dress code," Larissa said. "Of course guys are gonna stare. That's what they do when they see us walking around bringing them drinks and other shit."

"Don't you get smart with me! Do you want your pay deducted?!" Simon got all up in her face, which only pissed off Larissa more. "If the customers say you're being a distraction, then you're being a distraction!"

Something inside her told her this wasn't about her being a nuisance. "This is about the deadline for my three weeks notice, isn't it?"

Simon chuckled dryly. "Of course it is. I hope you know how disappointed I am in you. How dare you be so selfish?!"

Larissa rolled her eyes. She was surprised it took him this long to bring it up, let alone even know about it. And he was extra irritating today because it was her final day here.

"You really think you can get better than this, huh?! You think anyone will take you?!"

"Last time I checked, this is Las Vegas where there's a casino on every street corner."

Both Simon and Larissa looked behind them to see a tall, well built man leaning against the wall. He had fiery red hair slicked back into a small ponytail and dark green eyes. Another groan escaped Larissa as soon as she recognized who it was.

Guy Gardner, I am going to fucking kill-

"Who the hell are you?!" Simon barked. His sudden outburst cut off Larissa's thought early.

"Name's Guy. I'm taking the lady with me." Guy motioned to Larissa. "She's clocking out early."

Larissa rolled her eyes. Great, that's just what she needed. She'd rather take a hundred verbal lashings from her bosses than go wherever Guy was planning to take her.

"She's on the job!"

"Listen, bro, you have two options. One: I cause a scene that ends with you getting a broken nose. Two: I could get my friends to deal with you while I take the lady out." Guy made his way over to Larissa. "My friends tell me I have a habit of being unreasonable so I'm trying to be, yknow, reasonable."

Now that Larissa thought about it, she wouldn't mind Guy punching Simon in the face. Sure it may get her fired but it's Vegas after all. She was sure that another casino would be right at her doorstep to take her as a waitress.

As the two Lanterns made their way to the exit, Simon lunged at Larissa and grabbed her pearl necklace. True to his word, Guy socked him right in the face.

A sinister, sadistic grin turned the corners of Larissa's mouth as she and Guy darted the door and straight to his car.

"Thanks for saving me back there." Larissa glanced at him. Sometimes she wondered why she hated him so much. Was it because they were different yet the same? Was it because she was afraid of love?

"No problem." Guy smiled at her. "Now lets get you away from that guy and to the classic car show."

@calciumcryptid

[elaosakei]

thanksgiving with osamu!

character(s): miya osamu, gn!reader, reader’s family (mom, dad, sister)

cw: knife (cutting vegetables), anxiety/anxiety attack, swearing (very little, but it’s there), not too strong relationship with family, not not angst but not angst either

word count: +4k

a/n: uh i’m sorry for posting this way after thanksgiving. ive been busy and very sleepy. i haven’t edited yet so i’m also sorry if something doesn’t make sense (especially at the end), i’ll edit it when i get some sleep.

thanksgiving was always hectic, but this year it’s going to be different. this year you have the owner and head chef of Onigiri Miya as your boyfriend. the plan was to make homemade bread rolls and bring them to your parents’ house…. that was the plan anyway.

“this thanksgiving, i’m going to make green bean casserole, roasted carrots, a brie wreath, and a charcuterie board and bring it. what about you? what are you doing for our dinner?” your older sister says. this angers you because you don’t want to feel like you didn’t contribute anything to dinner and yet you don’t want to run out of time or bring so much that it wouldn’t be touched at the real dinner. you don’t want to respond but you say, “oh cool! well, i’m going to make bread rolls and, uh the turkey itself, and,” you pause for a few seconds still reflecting what you just took responsibility for, “and, maybe some other stuff i’m not sure…” you zone out and think about what you just put on yourself. your parents don’t even know you’re making turkey! they didn’t know you could cook or was even willing to make so much food. you and your sister talk a little bit more. as the call was beginning to end, you look up recipes and tutorials for making turkey. hundreds and hundreds of recipes are listed, but this has to be perfect because you can’t show up with only one thing that’ll be left untouched.

you call your parents, “hi y/n! what’s up” your mom says, “hello,” says your dad. “hi!! i just called because i had a question… what are you making for the dinner? y/s/n is bringing so much and i don’t want to yknow, not bring anything.. even though i’m making the rolls i told you about,” you say. your mom begins to list a couple things she’ll cook, “so uh do you think i can maybe perhaps make the turkey myself and um the mac and cheese?” there was a slight pause in answers. “well, i already have a turkey here,” she responds. “i can drive there and get it! please, i have to do this. i’m not proving anything but i’m not not proving anything!” your mom finally says, “okay, you can get it, but i’m not planning on making anything else because we had some incompetent people at work so i had to come in” you didn’t think she’d actually let you do the turkey! “thank you! i promise i won’t disappoint,” you say somewhat determined. “hope so!” your dad calls out before your mom ends the phone call.

you finally find decent recipes for turkey and mac and cheese. and go to the grocery store and get some ingredients for all of the food you’re making. while you’re strolling through the store, osamu calls you. shit, i didn’t tell ‘samu. he doesn’t know anything about making turkey or mac and cheese. you weren’t really planning on telling him because he is working and doesn’t need any more stress.

“hey samu!” you answer the phone. “hey darlin’! how are ya?” he asks. “i’m doing pretty good, just picking up some more things for our thanksgiving with my family,” you respond. “ah okay,” he pauses for a second, “wait, didnt ya already buy stuff for yer bread rolls?” you completely forgot that you guys went together to buy bread stuff because he wanted to make it together (cheesy but hey, it’s a happy osamu) he is bound to find out, but you didn’t think it would be like this. “….yeah.. so i’m making turkey and mac and cheese as well…” you say unknowing of his response. “oh, how come yer makin’ it? wasn’t yer mom gonna make those?” he says. “well my sister called me and she was telling me of all the things she was bringing and i didn’t wanna feel like whatever i brought was gonna be the background for whatever she made.” he hums in understanding, “are ya sure ya can finish by the time we have to leave fer yer parents’ house? i can help ya once i’m done at the restaurant. someone else closin fer me so i’ll be home early.” you can hear the care in his voice. “i’m sure i can manage thank you. i’ll wait to make the bread with you. you’re the best i love you” you tell him. “yeah ya can i’ll be done super soon we have one last small order to finish. i love ya too darlin’,” he finishes. you guys talk a for a little longer until he says, “hey i’ll call ya back in a little bit we have a customer causin trouble. love ya” he says. “yeah maybe you should deal with that. love you!” you respond and end the call. you finish your grocery shopping and head to your parents’ house to get the turkey.

this turkey stresses you out. you’ve only made sides and not the main thing people eat. what if i burn something? what if there isn’t a turkey tonight? everyone will be disappointed in me. i’ll be the reason why we won’t have a delicious turkey. it’ll be all my fault. you come home and shut out your irrational thoughts and start on the mac and cheese since it’s the least complicated thing to make. while you wait for the macaroni to boil, you look at the turkey not knowing what to do with it. you watch tutorials and recipes, but it’s no use. you finally find a video that seems decent enough to follow, so you follow the recipe. you begin cut the herbs and butter to season the turkey and remove the neck from it. you then transfer it to a separate container. touching it makes you uncomfortable, but you have to persist. you have to do something memorable for tonight. what if it’s not enough? i can’t be outshone by y/s/n again. what if i mess this up? she’s the favorite, so let me have this, please. i can’t do this. tears well in your eyes and your hands become shaky. you sigh and try to distract yourself by seasoning the turkey but can’t as little sobs come out. you hear the front door open and hear osamu say “i’m home darlin’!”

he steps into the kitchen to see the pot of macaroni boiling over and you standing over the turkey sobbing. “y/n?” osamu says with concern in his voice. he immediately turns off the stove and dashes to comfort you. you turn around to see the pot with water and macaroni spilled out from it. your knees become shaky as you fall to your knees and let out louder sobs. before going down, osamu catches you in his arms and sit on the ground together.

“hey, hey, what happened darlin’?” osamu asks sweetly. you let out even louder cries, “‘samu i can’t do this. i can’t make a stupid turkey, i can’t do anything” you confess. osamu wipes the tears off your face and rubs circles on your arm to comfort you. “is this just about the turkey or is something else bothering you?” he asks. you feel as if he saw right through you. “…i just don’t want to be a disappointment, y/s/n is bringing so much and i don’t want everyone to view me as someone that came just for the food. i just wanted to do something that would impress my parents,” you finally let out. osamu just listens and keeps you in his embrace. after sitting together for about 5 minutes, you look up at the stove and see the overcooked and boiled over macaroni. “i can’t do anything, how am i supposed to do something that will make everyone proud of me?” you say “y/n, look at me,” he wraps your cheek with his hand, “yer not a disappointment, so what if yer sister brings more than ya. i, along with yer parents, love ya so much and ya could never be a failure. i’m always so proud of everything ya do. even though ya may feel unmotivated, i’m here now. we can do this together, okay? i’ll be here by yer side always. i love ya so much and nothing could change that. even when ya feel like the world is against ya, i’ll be here to support ya,” osamu says wiping your tears away. “thank you ‘samu, it’s just hard because for once i just want to feel important enough,” you sniffle. osamu hugs you tighter, “ya are important enough. ya don’t need to impress anyone for them to see that.” you two sit for a little longer to calm down and you look again at the stove, “i have to make that macaroni again, i don’t even know if i have enough ingredients to make more” you complain. osamu rests his head on yours, “take it one at a time, i’ll be here to help. which do ya not want to do?” it’s not that you don’t want to make anything, it’s just the feeling that it has to be perfect haunts you. you don’t respond right away, because you don’t really want to continue with the turkey, but you don’t want to be a hassle for osamu. then suddenly he says, “how about you finish cutting the vegetables and i’ll clean the stove. then when we’re done, we can switch. you can make the mac and cheese and i’ll finish the turkey. then when we’re done we can start on the bread together” you look up at him with a smile, “okay! you’re the best, but really, thank you. i don’t know how i would do this without you.” he looks at you and says, “of course darlin’ i’d do anything to help you.” he gives you a kiss on your forehead as he gets up from the ground. he helps you up and you give him a tight hug. i’m so grateful for him you think.

osamu plays music from your shared playlist as he begins to clean the stove and you start chopping the vegetables. he goes through the cabinets and sees something, “oh, y/n! ya have some mac and cheese here. it’s not the same as the other one but i think it’ll work,” he calls out. you suddenly feel relieved to know that osamu is there to reassure you and make sure you’re in order. helping you cook was just a bonus, but you knew it would be hard to do without him. osamu is happy to know that nothing bad happened to you and that he came home when he did. it pains him to know that you feel that you’re not enough for your family, but he knows that he will always be there to support and be happy for you. “okay! i’ve finished cleanin’ the stove so ya can start the mac and cheese,” osamu says. “yay! i’ll be done here in a little bit, here’s the tutorial i’ve been following… the thumbnail looked the best and it had a ton of views and likes,” you confess.

you finish the mac and cheese and put it in a container that you’ll take to your parents’ house. osamu is almost done preparing the turkey to bake. you walk over next to him to see what he’s doing. “‘samu, should i get the ingredients for the bread ready?” you ask. “yeah sure i’ll put this in the oven once i’m finished,” he says as he looks over to you and smiles. you smile back and his heart expands. he loves seeing his partner happy and back to their normal self. you quickly turn around to grab the flour and all of the other ingredients for bread rolls and wait for osamu to bake the turkey.

“okay! did ya get everythin’ we need? the bowls?” osamu asks as he walks away from the oven, since he just put the turkey in. you stand next to another counter with all of the ingredients. osamu stands next to you and you rest your head against his arm. “yep i got everything ready! should we start now? it still needs to rise and stuff” you respond. “that’s true i think we should” he says. you open the flour and use a measuring cup to get the amount you need. you both pour flour, baking soda, salt, sugar, and yeast in the bowl. in a separate bowl, he mixes the milk, butter, eggs, and tangzhong. you combine the dry and wet ingredients to form a dough and take turns kneading it. “now, we have ta let it rise fer about an hour,” osamu says. “in the mean time we should clean up a little bit,” you say as you look at your messy kitchen. he looks around the kitchen and nods his head in agreement. osamu walks over to the fridge to return the milk and butter. you grow a mischievous smirk as you get an idea. you grab a small bit of flour and hold it in your hand. osamu turns around and you toss the flour on his face. you can’t control your laughter, “oh ya think yer so funny don’t ya,” he responds with a smirk. you’re too busy laughing to see him grab a bit of flour and throw it at you. now he’s laughing at you. you two chase each other in the kitchen flour in each of your hands. at moments like these, time seems to stop and it’s just you two in the world. after you and osamu finally calm down, both your hair and clothes are covered in flour. “i’ll go grab the broom if you get the counters,” you smile. “ya got yerself a deal, but afterwards we gotta clean up and still get dressed fer tonight,” osamu responds.

the one hour passes quickly and you and osamu are in new clothes, but not the ones you’ll wear for dinner. “now we have to mold them into balls... do you want to mold them into balls or shape them into bears?” you ask him. (a/n they would look like these) osamu thinks for a second, “do the bears.” the both of you knead the dough and shape it into many balls, some for heads and some more for ears. you lay the dough in the tray and stick the smaller dough pieces as ears and let it rise some more. “these are gonna be the cutest things there darlin’. and i’m glad i got to make them with the love of my life,” osamu says as he wraps his arms around your waist and rests his head on your shoulder giving you a back hug. “’samu!!! you’re so cheesy! but i am happy to have done this with you. i couldn’t have done any of this without you. i still would’ve been uncomfortable touching the turkey and stressed about my family. i love you,” you let out. the two of you stand together without speaking as some calming music played from the speaker. this was soon interrupted by the oven’s timer to say the turkey’s done cooking. osamu squeezes tight for a second and lets go. he grabs the meat thermometer and stabs it into the turkey; it’s the perfect temperature to take it out to cool.

the dough is done rising and you put it in the oven. finally, the last thing is baking and then you’ll be done. you close the oven door and take a deep breath. “finally, we’re almost done,” you exhale. osamu lets out a deep breath as well. “let’s take a break, huh?” he suggests. you nod your head. hand in hand, you both take a seat on the couch. you look up at your boyfriend and feel comforted by his presence. osamu puts his arm around you as you lean in to rest your head on his lap. you can’t help but doze off. osamu looks down at you in full adoration with thoughts like, i wonder what they’re dreaming about. about 45 minutes pass and you feel someone tapping your shoulder. “hey darlin’? ya should wake up now,” osamu says in a quiet voice. as you slowly wake up, you suddenly realize. the bread! “the bread!” you exclaim as you sit up. “i got it out of the oven. it’s been coolin’ for a bit. jus’ wanted to let ya get some rest before we got back to cookin’,” osamu says in a comforting voice. once again, you let out a deep breath, “thank you,” you say in a somewhat groggy voice. “the bread’s been quite cool enough to the touch, do ya wanna decorate them now, or do ya wanna wake up a little more?” osamu asks. “decorate,” you say as you get up. you get into the kitchen to see a fully decorated turkey and faceless bear bread rolls. you begin putting dark and white chocolate in bowls to microwave. once those are microwaved, you begin piping faces on the bears. osamu claims to have zero patience and precision for decorating and left that to you, so he just watches in amazement. after you’re done, you hear, “those are so cute! we made those” osamu says wholesomely. you take a step back and look at the bread in awe as you wrap an arm around his torso. yeah. we did make those. and we did it together you think.

the time has come where you have to pack the food and dress up in your actual dinner outfit. you wear a loose top and loose bottoms to get ready for the feast prepared for later. osamu wears something along the same lines. he puts the turkey, mac and cheese, and bread rolls in an insulated bag that is good for traveling with food. he puts the bag in his car. you two take the trip to your parents’ house and your heart begins to race. you fidget with your hands, and osamu begins to notice. he takes one hand off the wheel and rests it on top of yours, “you’ll be okay, i promise,” he says reassuringly.

the drive to your parents’ house wasn’t too long, but it was still a far distance. almost the entire car ride you and osamu stayed in comfortable silence as music played from the aux. osamu pulls into their neighborhood and you begin to get nervous. you don’t want to worry osamu again, but once again, he sees right through you and reaches his hand for yours. after taking hold of it, he rubs small circles on it as he pulls into the driveway. he parks the car and looks at you, “you’ll be okay, but if you want to we don’t have to stay the whole time.” he pauses, “we could say ‘tsumu has a problem at his own thanksgivin’ and he needs our help.” you smile at his comment and take a deep breath. “i think we should be mostly fine. if not, i’ll let you know when to say the excuse,” you say. osamu grins, “okay, darlin’.” you both step out of the car. osamu grabs the big insulated bag as you guide him where to go. at the front door, you take one last deep breath before ringing the doorbell. you hear footsteps approach the door, “y/n!! you’re finally here!” your sister says as she lets you and osamu in. “and osamu with the big insulated bag!” she adds. osamu lets out a small chuckle. “okay ‘samu, this way, here’s the dining room,” you tell him. he trails behind you being cautious of the food and containers. he puts the bag down and takes the bread out first. “here i got that ‘samu” you say as you come up behind him and take the tray. “oh, thank ya” he says as he takes out all of the food. “long time no see y/n,” your dad says jokingly. you let out a half real laugh. “...thanks, where’s mom?’ you ask. “she had to go back to work but she should be getting home soon,” your sister says. “ooh! y/n! look at all i made!” it’s just as she described on the phone. the green bean casserole, roasted carrots,the brie wreath, and an entire charcuterie board. “wow!,” you say, “it’s just like you said.” your sister steps away to take pictures of the spread. you look at over at osamu as he is intently listening to your dad talk about what he was like when he was young. “i’m home!” you hear your mom say as she walks into the dining room, “y/n! how are you? how’s the turkey? it’s not burned right,” she adds. she pulls you into a hug, “it’s good, i started making it but then osamu had to finish it, since i was so busy with everything else,” you respond. she looks away and approaches osamu as you were finishing your sentence. she greets him and then says, “alright everyone? let’s get a picture then we can eat.” everyone squeezes into the picture as your dad holds up the phone. you take one big family selfie. “okay, let’s chow!,” your mom says. osamu removes the tin foil from the top op the turkey to reveal it. everyone looks at it and compliments you, “please don’t give me all of the credit, osamu really helped me make it,” you say trying to shift the attention to the one who really deserves it. “i really didn’t do anythin, i just put in the oven. y/n did a good chunk of it and made the mac and cheese. on top of all that, we even made the rolls together, so they’ve really so much,” osamu says.

everyone fills their own plate with food and conversations commence. “wow osamu! the turkey is so good! how did you do it?” your parents say in awe. “seriously!! how is this so amazing?!” your sister exclaims.he explains his whole process. you look at him and think, i really do love him. nobody has ever helped me to the same extent he has. your mom asks you about what you’re doing with you life and that you should be more dilligent while working. your dad compliments osamu’s turkey. the night goes exactly like this until the very end. your dishes are surprisingly not bad, and they nd up getting a fair amount of half-hearted compliments. your sister’s food slightly outshined yours, but you don’t care because you are there with osamu.

“ah man, i’m so full. i could actually expode,” you say as you lean on osamu as the two of you sit on the couch. he leans his head on top of yours. “me too,” he says. he checks his watch, 10:40 pm. he whispers in your ear, “we should go soon, it’s almost eleven o’clock, and we have ta drive.” you nod your head and start getting up. you stretch and groan a litlle bit. you walk to your parents you say, “i think me and ‘samu are gonna go now, its already quite late.” they nod their heads and give you guys quick hugs as you exit and take pre-packed to-go boxes. you wave goodbye to your sister and head out of the door.

osamu places the food containers and leftovers in the back of the car. you both sit back in your seats and exhale deeply. osamu backs out of the driveway and starts the trip home. your thoughts are faded because of how full you are. “’samu?” you call out. he hums in response. “i don’t think that was too bad. i feel like i was unnecessarily mean, but i don’t feel too bad.” “don’t feel too bad, i could feel some kind of tension somewhere, but it’s thanksgivin so we gotta be grateful for what we got,” osamu responds. you look at osamu focusing on the road, “yeah, you’re right,” you pause for a few minutes, “speaking of thanksgiving, i’m truly grateful for you. thank you for always being there for me especially when i break down over a turkey,” you laugh. you hear osamu let out a small chuckle. “i just want you to know that i’m here for you too, always,” you finish. there is silence for a minute and osamu starts, “aw darlin, i’m grateful fer ya too. i love lettin ya know that i’ll always be here fer ya. i love ya y/n and only ya foreva. ya always talk about how ya don’t know where yer life would be without me, but really i don’t know where i’d be if i’d never met ya.,” he finishes. with one hand on the wheel and the other intertwined with yours, you know that this is true love even if it isn’t from family. “love you too ‘samu”

[biblicalhorror]

Finished the third Life is Strange game last night finally

Overall I'd say LIS2 is still my favorite game of the series so far, but there were a lot of things about this most recent installment that I really loved. (Spoilers ahead)

The first is the love interests. As much as I do love Chloe and Rachel for the complex characters they are, Steph and Ryan were so sweet and wholesome and really made me believe that Alex would be friends with them. I found Ryan to be a little bland at first, but he definitely grew on me as the game progressed.

I also really loved Alex herself. I thought she was a wonderful protagonist, much less infuriatingly passive than some of the other protagonists of these games have been. I really connected with her easily and I loved the way the game was able to use her empathy powers as an allegory for complex trauma and CPTSD. I definitely cried during the scene where she's reliving the childhood memory of her trying to mediate the constant fighting in her childhood home. I really feel like I understood her well.

The next was the very cool visual storytelling this game was able to do re: empath aura visions. The final confrontation scene with Jed was very cool with all of the changing lighting colors showing the emotions he's going through while Alex accuses him? Perfection. I loved it. Also, this partially just comes from better technology for game graphics, but the complex facial expressions they managed to incorporate into this game were really top notch. The characters all felt very real.

I also really liked the way dialogue was written in this game. One of the major flaws for LIS1 in my opinion was how most of the dialogue read like a bad 2013 Tumblr post and not, yknow, how people actually speak to each other. It seems like the writing team has really tried to improve that aspect of the script, and they've done very well.

Now, to criticisms. The first is that I was a bit disappointed with how fast and loose they seemed to play with the "rules" of Alex's power. In the first chapter, we see her be so affected by Mac's anger that she completely beats the shit out of him and even punches her own brother because she's feeling the same rage as Mac. Then, for the rest of the game, she tunes in quite a few times to the emotions of other characters, but we never really see her act out because of it again. With the amount of hints we get that her powers are why she was seen as a "troubled kid" in the foster system (and it seems to be lightly implied that she was sexually assaulted because of them?), it seems odd that that particular side effect wasn't explored more in-game.

I wouldn't say I disliked the overall plot of this game, but it felt somewhat lackluster compared to the heavy punches packed by the first few. Unlike the other games, the plot of True Colors doesn't really start until the end of Chapter 1, when Gabe is hit with a falling boulder and gets knocked off a cliff. It's a dramatic moment for sure, but it felt rather predictable in comparison to the high stakes situations you found yourself in during the previous games. The rest of the game has you figuring out a plot by a large mining company to cover up the negligent murders of seven miners from ~20 years ago, and the man behind it all is apparently your landlord/boss/local bartender. Oh, and also one of the miners that died was Alex and Gabe's absentee father. I guess.

Which brings me to my main gripe with this game. It felt as if they were trying to create a mostly mellow slice of life game that wants the player to become attached to this small mountain town, but they also knew that Life is Strange is, at its core, a drama/mystery game. It felt like they added in the bit about the father towards the end for little other reason than to add shock value and (I guess) emotional weight to the final reveal about the miners, which for me did nothing but take me out of the final chapter a bit. It didn't feel necessary, and it leads to a whole bunch of questions logistically speaking. So the father lost his job and abandoned his two kids in Oregon, then decided to go join a small mining operation in a tiny town on the western slope of the Colorado mountains. He dies tragically in a mining accident caused by a man who lies about said accident and becomes the town hero. Then, ten years later, Gabe just so happens to move to exactly the same small town several states away to get a fresh start and what, no one ever connected the dots? Not even the guy that killed his father? He never heard Gabe talking about his shitty home life and was like "hmm that name sounds familiar"? If this is such a tight knit town, how did no one seem to remember the Chen siblings' father at any point? Especially after Alex moved into town, you'd think someone would have perhaps remembered another man with that same last name who, oh I don't know, may have mentioned his two kids at some point in the years he lived and worked there? It made no sense and honestly we could have done without it. The reveal that Jed's pride is responsible for the death of seven innocent men is more than enough of a dramatic reveal without needing to somehow tie Alex to it personally. It just felt like lazy writing to me. Also, how the hell did Alex survive getting shot in the face and thrown down a mine shaft? How did she not even break any major bones? That thing was like 100 ft deep and she broke straight through several wooden boards on her way down, you're telling me she somehow didn't hit her head, or neck, or any limbs? I get that she's the protagonist so killing her off would be really hard to pull off, but you couldn't have made it a little more believable that she'd be able to escape it relatively unscathed? I'd maybe be willing to suspend my disbelief if Jed hadn't shot her in the head. I guess he just grazed her? But still. It was weird.

Overall, this game was super visually beautiful and the dialogue was very well written, so I was a bit disappointed when the overarching plot was a bit less exciting than other games. But I could have accepted that as at most minor flaw if they hadn't decided to throw in the missing dad plot twist at the very end. That really peeved me more than anything else.

7/10

[delta-magnetic]

soooo i might've been thinking about a certain some ask game again and decided, fuck it ima answer all the questions that im actually able to lol

i've done 5, 16 and 17 already but to add onto the latter two:

16. here's another 3 because yes- Welcome Home (Sanitarium), Ronnie, and Dirty Window

17. I HAVE MORE NOW BITCHES. now have Master of Puppets, Load and Death Magnetic! AND Cunning Stunts!

alright rest under a cut lol you know i love to ramble

1. (fun fact this question is why i was thinking about this again lol) AAAAAA i shall say, lars! i'm sure meeting any of them i'd be nervous/a little awkward, but i think lars would do best at diffusing that. plus getting to hear him go on and on about whatever, in person?? yes please

2. i have made, shitposts galore (and also 2 uquiz's, the most recent one actually being all around good lol)

3. also thought abt this one a few times since seeing it hmmm, a few come to mind, but you know what i think would be fun? struggle within on drums. i'm sure that intro is a recorded thing if/when it's ever done live, but lets just imagine. plus for me personally? i know i literally have a guitar in my room, but drums seem fun, and when i think drums + metallica, besides some of the obvious answers (one, master of puppets), this song is what i think

6. i'm sure most would go for ultimullet here, but you know what i'm gonna pick? 2019 james. i always want to put my hands in his hair but like, something about '19,,, soft old man ilu

7. i have not seen it! though i've heard it's good, might have to watch it someday

8. definitely museum with lars. dude loves art and would just be giving out insight galore! not bendy or strong enough for kirk or rob, and while i love james and also taking walks, i would be slow and idk if he'd wait up for me fjkdblsksnj

9. holy shit there are, so many... could go for any of the songs from Load yet to be played live tbh, but my answer shall be Devils Dance!

10. i'll admit, haven't listened to all of garage inc yet, but i really like Die, Die My Darling!

11. again haven't heard many of these, but omf their cover of 53rd and 3rd is [chefs kiss]

12. maybe an obvious answer, but st anger. it's weird, i really like the first half of it off the album, but then after that??? eh?? but live puts some of that missing, emotion?, into the 2nd half i'm wanting (plus yknow, SOLO !!!!)

14. oh lort. again, so many. im srry i cannot pick kjnfsdbkj, but i will say i know i'd pick somewhere in missouri! which seems kinda lame, but getting to say i've seen metallica in my home state would be pretty cool

15. you're tearing me apart dude!! i know it's a pretty typical answer, but black album! i wouldn't even call it my favorite album, but sound wise? definite favorite

18. i don't have much, but i really do live in that master of puppets shirt. it's comfy, one of my friends bought it for me because i didn't bring any money (not expecting to want to buy anything lol), and it was my first metallica thing i ever owned!

20. tickets to a show, i cross out but tbh, it's true! other than maybe s&m (1 or 2), yea collecting is cool but i'm not chomping at the bit to own every single album actually! wanna have the ones i'll actually listen to regularly yknow?

24. tbh lars with any of them would be a treat, but having to concretely pick pairs? lars and james, kirk and rob. lars and james are so many years of friendship, they both always have something neat to say, and having them bounce off each other in an interview would be cool. kirk doesn't speak that often, and i think getting him with rob would get him a little more chatty perhaps

...oh you also asked what i'd ask lol. idk man, especially to lars n james. maybe to kirk and rob i'd ask if either of them like, found new/different artists they liked through each other (since i know they both have pretty varied music tastes)

25. i am answering these all at 1 in the morning, so maybe i'd be able to think a bit more if i did this at a more reasonable time, but either way holyf a lot from Halo On Fire. just to pick one?

I fear to turn on the light // For the darkness won’t go away

26. hmm again, 1 am, head is kiiiinda no thoughts head empty for some reason?? though luckily not too empty, bc just sitting here thinking for a second, Bleeding Me just popped to mind?

27. ooooo, if they were just on their own (not with family or friends) i'd probably try my best to not freak out and just be like "hey i love your music"

...and maybe ask for a hug

28. tbh i want to dress like cliff lmao, but my actual fashion sense? think like, current kirk but if he did not spent 600 bucks on everything and generally toned down a LOT (keep the graphic tees tho)

29. oh i can't remember who said it, but someone said something like, whenever they'd screw something up in the studio, cliff would just, look at them so disappointed njdfsbnkl

30. almost definitely kirk i'd say. i'm super shy, but if you get me talking about something i really like? unlikely to stop

31. YOU ARE MEAN !!!! my answer though, shall be kirk n lars! you want reasons? they're just neat!!!!!!!!

33. nah, if anything just because i don't have any of the social medias they're really on

34. hmm, not that i can think of?? partially because i haven't seen a ton of their inner-workings type deals, and they seem alright

35. just going general here, but memory remains. i just do not like that song for some reason

36. ...you know what idk how long this will even get but this post is already long enough so screw it this is getting it's own post lmao

37. tbh any of the more "moody" songs? like especially older ones, particularly Fade to Black and One. idk even what mood i need to be in to listen to them, but definitely not a regular-casual listening one

38. lowkey made a whole post about this lmao, but for a short answer for here: my uncle playing (the song) master of puppets whenever i was in the truck with him!

39. [looks at all of you very lovingly]

40. oh for sure. a few months ago i was out of town and, not having a good time. and putting on some metallica songs made me feel a lot more at ease

[marsupials-of-mars]

Don't Lie to the Right Eye

Summary: A bunch of concepts I liked in one, Deceit hates Patton's dark light system but he knows his only chance to see Virgil is to find a way to appeal to Patton.

Patton felt bad. Incredibly bad. He might have gone as far as to say he felt entirely awful. A horrible sense of loss overwhelmed him. It was something he felt every now and then. He usually never did much about it but recently it had been more...unbearable...than usual. And of course, he entirely knew why he felt the way he did, though he pretended he didn't, pretended in a way that fooled even himself most if the time. But this time he had to confront it. Maybe not directly, maybe in the wrong way, a way that might not get him closure. But he'd already made up his mind. That was why he looked the way he did. Like Patton. He adjusted his cardigan so the sleeves alligned on his chest, checking in the mirror for any other abnormalities. He pushed his glasses up his nose, the last glint of gold in his eye dimming down into a baby blue. He shrugged his shoulders into a more loose, Patton-ish posture. He'd never done something like this before. But he'd also never felt this bad before, so it evened out. He took a deep breath and flashed himself a warm Patton smile in the mirror. It didn't help. It wasn't real. He felt the static build in his mind, threatening to escape through his waterline. That was okay wasn't it? He cried all the time. Patton cried all the time.

He turned on his heel and left the room, in search of his solution.

It was too bright upstairs, too shimmering. The blacks and purples of Virgil's door proved to be comforting under such a glaring light. Patton's fist raised, seemingly on instinct, as if he'd never been forbidden from ever approaching that door, forbidden from knocking on it for any reason. Though that made sense; Patton hadn't been forbidden from any of that. He knocked.

Virgil didn't answer at first, probably busy rupturing his eardrums with MCR. Patton grabbed the doorknob. Virgil loved him, Virgil wouldn't yell at him for coming in uninvited. Not when he was a member of his REAL family. He tugged open the door and stepped in. He was immediately flooded with comfort; the darkness, the the dread, the Virgil scent. Pattons tongue flicked out instinctually to draw it in more, but he managed to quell the urge before Virgil turned around. He pulled his headphones off.

"Patton? You good? Did you need something?"

Patton took a breath. Virgils voice was calm, kind. No tension, no annoyance, no anger. "I... can we-" He grabbed the loose sleeves of his cardigan and squeezed his eyes shut. "Can we cuddle?"

He opened one eye, hesitantly. Surely he'd be found out, surely Virgil wouldn't... His train of though was cut short. Virgil was smiling. Virgil was SMILING at him. Relaxed, unafraid, not hidden behind a hand, honest and caring. And Patton couldn't hold it anymore. He cried, a flood of suppressed tears escaping in a single disgusting sob. He threw his hands over his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to cut it out. Tears of happiness surely, because Virgil never smiled like that with the Darks. Because clearly his new family was better for him, because clearly he was so much happier here. And Patton was his new family. So he sobbed, with horrible, horrible joy.

"Woah, what happened?!" Virgil ran to his side and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Cmon, sit down." He led Patton to the bed and sat him down, letting him lean into his chest. Patton buried his face in Virgil's hoodie and let him pet his hair. "Talk to me pops."

"I don't know if I want to..." Patton muttered, muffled by hoodie.

"That's fine. But crying like that... it seems like you've been holding something in. And you know what happens when you hold things in." He sounded concerned but stern, a tone he used to so commonly hear directed toward himself.

Patton's lip quivered. "You're so good at that."

"Hm? At what?"

"Being mature like that, you weren't like that... before." He stopped himself from saying what he really meant. That Virgil wasn't like that with his old family. His family of bad influences. "I'm... so proud of you Virge."

Virgil smiled. "I know. You say that all the time."

Patton sat up and layed his hands on Virgil's shoulders. He met his eyes.

"I mean it. It's not a throwaway line. I don't want to oversaturate it. I'm so INCREDIBLY proud. Everyone is. Everyone."

Virgil scoffed and averted his eyes. "Not everyone. I know a couple sides who are pretty disappointed with how I turned out. Not like I'd care to please them."

Patton shook his head and his stare grew more intense. "They might not say it. But I'm sure they are. They may be incredibly upset with you for some of your choices, but they do care."

Virgil huffed a laugh out his nose. "You really do like to see the best in people don't you Pat?"

Patton groaned internally. He did see the best in people, when he couldn't afford to. He hated to be agreeing with himself on that point. "It's what I do, isn't it?" He flinched at the words. "I think despite your differences, despite their... unpleasantness, they want the best for you."

Virgil groaned and leaned back. "I dunno. Why are you bringing them up now?" He seemed to realize something. He sat upright. "Did they do something to you? Did HE do something to you? Is that why you're crying?!"

"No no no! I'm just emotional, I get that way sometimes don't I? Mushy Patton feelings." His right eye twitched at the lie. Virgil didn't seem to notice. "I've just been thinking a lot. About you. About how much you've changed, how much you've grown... it's spectacular."

Virgil relaxed a little. "I dunno. I'm still laps behind you guys... yknow. With the goodness."

Patton felt rage build in him. "Is that how we make you feel?! Like you're lesser than?! Because why? Because you're dark?"

"I WAS dark. I'm light. But yknow, like... what's better for my ego? Being a nearly good dark side? Or a barely good light side?"

Pattons face was red. Was this how he felt? Because of the lights? Because of Patton? Because of his stupid good bad system? Patton growled and crumpled his khakis in his fists.

Virgil looked to his white knuckles and back up to his eyes, now shaded with tension.

"You're acting... off. Are you sure this isn't something bigger?"

"I want you to feel better, I want you to like yourself! I want to be there for you like I haven't been, I-" He stopped himself from saying what he really wanted to. That he missed Virgil. So much. That he was sorry.

"What do you mean you haven't been?! Patton you're amazing!"

"I am NOT! I'm a fraud, you think I make you feel better but I DON'T!" His eye twitched and he slapped a hand over it. "Forget it. Forget I was ever here. I'm fine."

Virgil held out his hand but Patton dodged it. "Patton wait, where are you-"

"This was a bad idea!" And Patton left the room in a rush, before he could screw anything else up. Bad idea. It was all a horrible idea to start with. He quickened his pace down the hall toward the basement door. He turned the corner fast enough for the soles of his shoes to squeak against the hardwood, and quick enough that he didn't see what was in front of him until it was too late. He rammed full speed into a side, falling backward with a grunt. He looked up, and he looked back down at himself. PATTON looked back down at him.

"Oh, pardon me Patton!" He reached a hand down to help but paused. "Wait... something's fishy here..."

Patton panicked. His features flickered, the gold in his eye reestablishing its place over the baby blue, and scales rippling their way back up through his flesh. He lifted a hand to the brim of his hat, now once again present, to straighten it. He managed to quell his panic to reestablish his cunning, to partial success.

"Deceit?! What are you doing up here?!" Patton crossed his arms.

"Just paying my..." He looked up from under the brim if his hat, his eyes blinking back to baby blue. He fluttered innocent, paternal puppy dog eyes. "KIDDO... a visit. Is there a problem?"

Patton seemed unsettled. He subtly averted his eyes, but managed to hold his ground. "Yeah there's a problem! Virgil doesn't want to see you, and that doesnt mean trick him into thinking it's not you!"

"I just wanted to see him, I wouldn't hurt a hair on his head I hope you know that. Purely therapeutic, no harm no foul."

"There was harm! Dishonesty is harm!" Patton grabbed Deceit's arm. Deceit drew in a breath and managed to keep from hissing. Patton softened his grip and calmed down, though still stern. "I can take you back to the basement if you don't want to go yourself."

Deceit narrowed his eyes. "Oh you want to go to the basement? Let's go then." He yanked his arm out of Patton's hold and quickly seized his shoulders, gripping him around the torso with two other sets of arms. Patton yelped but barely had time to squirm before he was yanked down into a tunnel of darkness, falling down, down, finally appearing in a dark stone cell.

Patton huffed, scrambling out of Deceit's hold as he released him.

"Where are we?! Is this prison...?"

Deceit let out a dry chuckle. "You'd think..."

He breathed in the humid, terrarium air.

"Why am I here? What are you going to do?!" Patton stepped back when Deceit turned to him, tripping over a snake enclosure and nearly tipping it on its side.

"Careful!" Deceit hissed, falling to his knees to make sure nothing was broken. "I'm not going to do anything to you, I just can't have you running off to Virgil before we've had a little chat."

"I have nothing to say to you. You're a bully, and I dont associate with bullies." Patton crossed his arms and turned up his nose.

"Oh, am I a 'bully' now?" Deciet drawled. "Tell me what I've done. Have I made Virgil feel inferior in the arbitrary faction I created? Have I turned him against you through my radical black and white beliefs? Have I denied you a platform to reconcile because of the extremist values of those beliefs? Have I torn apart your family in pursuit of my personal values? Though I suppose that's a bit worse than bullying when you lay it all out..."

Patton blinked. "Is... are you saying that I did all that?"

Deceit rolled his eyes. "No, of course not, clearly, you aren't the bully." His right eye fluttered.

Patton stammered. "But- but that's- it's different! You want him to be bad!"

Deceit clapped his hands together and grinned. "And there we have it! Exactly what I'm talking about! What is 'bad'? What about me is 'bad'? What about US is 'bad' according to your system?"

Patton pushed himself up off the floor. Deceit straightened himself as he was forced to acknowledge the height difference between them. He managed to keep himself from reflexively hissing so he could keep at least his metaphorical higher ground.

"Dishonesty hurts Thomas and the people around him! And all the other darks do too! That's my system, to do what's right for everyone!"

"And who says that what we do isn't 'right'? And doesn't protect Thomas and his friends? Are you really so self absorbed to think that your own view of right and wrong is what's 'right for everyone'?!"

"I am NOT self absorbed! I put myself last whenever I can for my family, for the people I care about, dont you DARE call me self absorbed!" Patton's character seemed to have shifted in an instant, red and furious, so violently that Deceit couldn't help but shrink in on himself the slightest bit.

"Well if you aren't, you wouldn't be so opposed to hearing me out, accepting criticism, because if you're confident in your morals you'd be sure I'd say nothing to change your mind anyway." He calmly examined his gloved fingertips. Patton scoffed.

"I wouldn't mind hearing your side of the story if you wanted to tell me, but you never do, you're always so secretive or completely dishonest. I dont think you even have the ability to be honest. You could be lying right now!"

Deceit laughed humorlessly. "Oh could I now?" He clasped his fingers under his chin. "Am I lying?"

"Yes! And you never cooperate, you don't try to be better, you want it your way or nothing and a compromise would never be good enough!"

"OH! Wouldn't it?!"

Patton paused a moment. "Yknow I think this is a conversation but you're kinda just repeating what I'm saying and I'm not quite sure your angle-"

"I don't compromise! My way or nothing! How wrong of me! How wrong of me to be so dastardly as to take it MY WAY OR NOTHING." Deceit grit his teeth and pulled his hat off, brushing his hair off his right temple. With a touch of his hand a thin metallic device rose to reveal itself from his skin. "You think I'd leave Virgil here with no attempts to get him back? You think I haven't realized that trying to force him dark is wrong? He doesnt want to be dark! And he believes in your system for the time being, so what do I have to do? I have to be 'better', I have to cater to your rules, and I've figured that out finally, because if I cant teach you my side I have to bow to yours! So I'm being 'better'! Just like you want!"

Patton blinked in confusion. "What is that? I don't understand..."

Deceit grabbed Pattons hand and placed his palm against the device on his temple.

"You think this is all a lie? Think I've been manipulating all of this? I can show you you're wrong."

Patton tried to pull his hand away but Deceit held firm.

"Let's see what happens when I, DECEIT, dare to follow my nature." He took a breath. "Ask me something."

Patton gulped. "Um... what's your favorite... color?"

Deciet narrowed his eyes and looked Patton up and down. "Blue."

Patton yelped as he felt it. Deceit knew Patton felt it because he felt it too, a piercing electric pulse into his temple, a zap that made his right eye flutter and water and made his his jaw tense and grit together. He drew in a sharp breath and squeezed his eyes shut.

"What was-?!" Patton tried to pull away but Deceit wouldnt budge.

"You think I don't care about Virgil and you're RIGHT! You think I love being the bad guy and I DO! I LOVE being talked over every time I show up, how I LOVE never getting a point across because who would listen to the villain, I want to cause HARM!"

Patton was near tears, trying to pull his hand off the electrode, the muscles in his wrist tensing spastically with each shock. But Deceit knew he could take it. After all, Deceit had taken it into the skull for months now, time and time again, and he never cried. He learned.

"I ADORE how my family has been ripped apart, It was the RIGHT choice to make on Virgils part, I'm sure the way you treat the lot of us 'darks' WASN'T manipulative to his choices in any way!" His breaths were short and his nails dug into Patton's wrist out of his own pain, but he persisted. "I WISH we could all be happy lights making Thomas's life all fluffy and fun! And I'm ASHAMED of who I am! I'm ASHAMED of the family I have, and the choices I've made, the only thing I'm PROUD of is letting Virgil leave me for your doctrine! I HATE MYSELF! And I DESERVE this!"

"STOP IT! DECEIT, STOP RIGHT NOW!" Patton was in tears, having given up trying to pull away and now simply gripping his wrist as if it would dull the pain. Deceit complied, dropping his hand to wipe his watering right eye.

Patton cradled his hand against his chest and took deep, shaking breaths.

"So what do you say? Did it look like I was lying?"

Patton sank to the floor and drew his legs up to his chest. He quickly shook his head, burying his face in his knees.

"Aw cmon, don't be pathetic." Deceit couldn't help feel a little joy upon regaining his height advantage.

"I... I'm sorry..." Patton mumbled through his knees. "I don't want... I just..." He sniffed, his breathing quick and jagged. "I want Thomas to be good... I want everyone to be happy and good... I dont want good people to be sad. That's not fair."

"Who constitutes as a good person? What's the criteria? Because to me it seems like you want us, the villains, the bad parts of Thomas... to bury it all down or never show ourselves. Would I be a bad person? Maybe you dont like lying, maybe you don't like lost of the things I do, but why would I be here if Thomas isn't bad? It's how you perceive us. You'd never call yourself a perfect person, and I wouldn't say that I've always done the right thing. There's a spectrum to things. Some people are more bad than others, but they've got merit. Some people are overall pretty sweet and kind, but oh how they've made mistakes."

Patton listened with a mix of curiosity and shame. "But... that's my job, to say yes or no, to place things here and there, good and bad... how should I know when to draw that line?"

Deceit shrugged. "You're morality, not me. You just have to know when to consider rather than stand your ground. Critical thinking, I know Logan talks about it all the time."

"Am I... am I bad? For doing it wrong?" Patton looked up at Deceit. It took every ounce of willpower not to say yes.

"You're morality. Not me. You're the judge. But I'd say up here in Thomas's mind, it's best if we got along. The world it tough enough to sort out isn't it? So let's make it a bit easier in here. How about you sort ideas, not sides?"

Patton took a few deep breaths. "That'll be... different."

"It will be. But a judge makes tough decisions. And that means the most important ones."

Patton gulped. "I don't... I don't want to make important decisions. I don't trust myself."

"You can ask for help. The heart's good for a lot of things, but you can't do it all." Deceit was amazed to have gotten this far, but he wasn't backing down.

Patton thought for a long moment. He nodded. "That sounds better... but I'll need some time. Me and everyone else. This is... big."

Deceit reached up to the electrode and grasped it with his fingertips. "So, I'll try not to cause trouble within the mind... IF you let me... US...contribute to the discussion."

Patton looked up at Deceits fingers on the device. "Yeah, just... please take that off. I don't care if you white lie up here I just don't... i don't want you hurt because I screwed up what I wanted from you."

Deceit sighed in relief and wasted no time plucking it off and crushing it in his fist.

"That thing... on your temple... it must've been awful." Patton grabbed Deceits arm as he offered it and stood himself up.

Deceit rubbed the patch of skin where it had been.

"Nah... it wasn't so bad." And he smiled at the wonderful absence of a shock

[midoriyasbones]

This isnt hate but man, you're wrong. You were an anti, you took part in a nasty group that hurt people and continues to do so, and no one has to forgive you or be nice to you just because you got better. even if you didn't send the hate, you're not entitled to others nice behavior. and complaining about being judged for it when sheith shippers have had to go through so much shit, just makes you look so fake; 1/?

2/? sheith shippers have had to go through so much shit, and just because you have or Are going through doesn’t make you deserving of our consideration; It just means you’re in the same boat as us now. And so you should know how it feels; But seeing you complain and gripe about it makes you look incredibly whiney and superficial dude. You ARE ALLOWED to be sad and angry and want to enjoy your ship,           

3/? you absolutely are, and we are too. But we got our anger from the group you used to support and belong to– You’ve gotta understand that.  antis are still out there doxxing, harrassing our staff and VA’s off twitter, ruining panels, making death threats and suicide baiting, chasing off content creators, misusing “pedophile”, causing the infamous needle incident and more– and you guys are mad because theres some angry posts and cross tagging?? And you expect /sympathy?/ Really????            

4/ Please, go outside, get some fresh air, go for a walk, go offline for an hour every day. Refresh yourself. Take a breather. Refocus, and understand with more perspective the irony of it all, and why you’ve got so much angry vitriolic Sheithers out there. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and ex-antis/klancers, especially the ones who are content to “stay in their lane” are only making themselves look worse by acting entitled to forgiveness while taking out anger on sheiths for being             

5/? justifiably angry about the cyberbullying they themselves helped bring about. Especially the ones who are “staying in their lane” while doing nothing to prevent all the anti’s that are CAUSING such vitriolic sheiths in the first place– then demanding that we stop being angry because its not fun for them– wow yknow what isnt fun for us? Being called pedophiles, suicide baited, and threatened daily. But god forbid we talk about it, be angry about it, express that– then we’ve gone TOO FAR             

6/? im stopping here because this started with intent to be NICE criticism and is now descending into an angry ramble and thats not what i wanna do here- the point remains: what you said is not reasonable, relies on expectation and entitlement, and as such, comes off as entitled, fake, and all around insincere. And in your TakeBackKlance server i see you shitting on sheiths like this all the time. Its disappointing, extraordinarily hypocritical, and furthers the established mistrust between             

7 / ? shaladins and ex-anti’s. And you complain about people staying away from ex-anti’s. If they’re acting like this, of course they would. They’re perfectly within their rights to, justifiably, and you have to accept that. So yeah, you “have to atone” Its almost like you’ve gotta earn each individual persons trust, like in real life?. If you’re complaining about it, then it just shows you don’t really support Shaladins as much as you claimed you did.            

okay, thank you for some perspective on the situation, and i’m going to give you some credit. you managed to convey yourself in a civil way making very valid points and expressing emotions that are entirely valid. there is nothing here that i don’t think is out of place. your anger here is very much warranted and i appreciate you acknowledging all this, but i’m not sure you understand everything that’s going on.

first of all, i was an anti almost a year ago. i ditched the community in june of 2017 and became a full fledged pro in july of that same year. since then i’ve done my best to drop all my former bearings of that life. that’s my personal history.

1. “you’ve gotta understand that.  antis are still out there doxxing, harrassing our staff and VA’s off twitter, ruining panels, making death threats and suicide baiting, chasing off content creators, misusing “pedophile”, causing the infamous needle incident and more-”

not only do i understand this, but i’ve seen it first hand and have been fighting against it for nearly a year. i understand your anger because i am just as angry about it too. i’ve actively been fighting against that since i switched over and i’m not saying that makes me ‘worthy’ or anything, but it’s not like i’m sitting back here doing nothing.

2. and you guys are mad because theres some angry posts and cross tagging??

no, we’re mad that pro ship klancers are being constantly kicked aside and expected to just take it. we’re mad that a community that calls themselves ‘pro ship’ makes us feel unwelcome and has chased us out of what is supposed to be a place for us too. cross tagging isn’t cool no matter what. vent posts i really don’t give two shits about, you have every right to express your anger.

3. And you expect /sympathy?/ Really???? 

no, i actually don’t. you don’t have to give me the time of day, i’m just asking that you not come into our inboxes or reblog our posts with angry and irrelevant additions (so long as our posts aren’t overstepping certain boundaries of course).

4. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and ex-antis/klancers, especially the ones who are content to “stay in their lane” …

i’m not an anti, i’m a pro shipper. i believe that everyone has the right to ship whatever they want. i think that people who harass others for their ships are immature. and in case you didn’t know i far from stay in my goddamn lane. i don’t allow antis to say shit and get away with it. i don’t support anyone who is anti ship, even those who claim not to be a part of the anti community. you’re comparing apples to oranges.

5. are only making themselves look worse by acting entitled to forgiveness 

again, not asking for forgiveness. i’m not entitled to a damn thing except a peaceful life.

6. on sheiths for being justifiably angry about the cyberbullying they themselves helped bring about.

i won’t deny, when i was an anti i should’ve recognized that what i supported was wrong and i should’ve stepped up and done something, but i didn’t. i won’t excuse my actions, i’ll stand here right now and tell you i was being immature, selfish, and stupid. there is nothing i can do or say that will make up for what i did or actually didn’t do. i can at least say i never sent anything or said anything extremely awful, but i certainly didn’t try to stop anyone and i did actively support them. that’s on me… but that’s also almost a year ago. you don’t have to even want to be around me, i’m just asking that you don’t think i’m still in support of that stuff anymore.

7. Especially the ones who are “staying in their lane” while doing nothing to prevent all the anti’s that are CAUSING such vitriolic sheiths in the first place

i’m not causing anyone to do anything. the way people act on their anger is entirely on them, not me. furthermore, i’ve already addressed that i am taking action, so this really isn’t a fair thing to say to me at all.

8. then demanding that we stop being angry because its not fun for them

point to where i’ve said you can’t be critical of klance or lance or anything. as long as what you’re doing is cross tagging i could care less. as long as what you’re doing isn’t going into people’s inboxes or bullying them out of fnadom spaces that are supposed to positive i quite honestly don’t consider it my business. be angry, get that out, it’s healthy to express that emotion, just make sure you aren’t being toxic.

9. wow yknow what isnt fun for us? Being called pedophiles, suicide baited, and threatened daily.

full offense, but i’ve been called a pedo too. i’ve been suicide baited and threatened too. in some cases it was daily. you already said we’re in the same boat, so suddenly why are you shoving me off of it? we’re in this fuck fest together anon, and again, that doesn’t mean you owe me shit, but i don’t owe you anything either.

10. But god forbid we talk about it, be angry about it, express that– then we’ve gone TOO FAR 

like i supposedly have when i express my anger about getting the same treatment from people who said they supported me? vent posts are not too far. harassment (like that lance’s ass fumes anon and the clit anon) is.

11. And in your TakeBackKlance server i see you shitting on sheiths like this all the time. Its disappointing, extraordinarily hypocritical, and furthers the established mistrust betweenshaladins and ex-anti’s

false. i’m literally never in there because i’m so busy with my real life stuff. i have said some things in my anger, but i do not think it is nearly frequent enough to label as ‘all the time’. most of the time i’m in agreement with the sheith fandom. your criticism of antis and of fanon and even canon stuff is totally valid, i’m only angry about when things stray too far and actual people are attacked. what’s disappointing is that i’m on the receiving end of your anger for something i don’t even do.

12. And you complain about people staying away from ex-anti’s

i literally don’t want you anywhere near me. i don’t want my name in your mouth. i don’t want to be yelled at for things i haven’t done and no longer support. i’m not asking you to support me. i’m not asking you to follow me. i’m not asking you for anything. i’m asking that i not be blamed for things i no longer take part of. that’s all.

13. They’re perfectly within their rights to, justifiably, and you have to accept that.

what’s justified? vent posts that are properly tagged.

what’s not justified? getting sent anon hate and seeing myself vagued just because i don’t like it when my friends are upset over how they get treated and i actually speak my mind. what would be fake is if i kept my damn mouth shut, but i don’t. you need to accept that.

14. So yeah, you “have to atone” Its almost like you’ve gotta earn each individual persons trust, like in real life?

actually?? it’s almost like i have been working my hardest to do so? and those who actually know me would say that i am balls to the fucking wall in everything i do? you don’t have to trust me, you don’t have to forgive me, but i’m not going to take everything lying down just because my past isn’t spotless. i don’t owe you a blind following. you’re not immune to my thoughts just because i was once a part of a group that hurt you. it’s been hard enough to forgive myself, i don’t need to work for someone’s forgiveness who clearly has no intention of even giving me a chance. i don’t need to atone for a damn thing and i thank you for actually bringing this up. i was working and being so hard on myself thinking i had to make it up to y’all and i actually don’t. i’ve been chaining myself up for you when i didn’t need to.

15. If you’re complaining about it, then it just shows you don’t really support Shaladins as much as you claimed you did.            

if you’re complaining about someone bringing up that they’re uncomfortable with how horrible a certain aspect of fandom life makes them feel than you clearly can’t take as much as you think you can. i was never trying to hurt or offend anyone in my post and was careful to craft it in a way that took into account how much anger has built up over the years. you have every right to hate k/l, but you have absolutely 0 rights to pretend you’re a perfectly kind person if you think that my past means i owe you anything while thinking it’s justified that my friends and i receive hate for a fucking ship from people who say they support me. 

no offense anon, i think your anger towards my past and what i once affiliated myself with is totally justified, you can even be angry at me, but you also need to accept that i am not who you are painting me to be. i am not a ‘stay in my lane’ fake person. i stand up a lot for others and i work hard to create things and places for everyone. i understand that not everyone needs to like me, and i’ve accepted that fact long ago, all i am asking, and all anyone is asking really, is that if you don’t like us, then ignore us. don’t feel the need to come into our inboxes or reply to our posts. we really don’t want to hear it. we’ve been through quite enough just from leaving the antis. you don’t have to like, you don’t have to follow me, you don’t have to be my friend, but you do have to acknowledge that i am not the person you think i am.

your anger, your hurt, and your frustration is something i resonate with. i can feel the pain through your words and i want you to know that i don’t hold this anon against you at all. you have every right to express your opinions and offer me this. i think that in some ways you’re right, maybe i am asking for too much, maybe i’m being a little much, maybe i’m not totally in the right here, but a lot of this feels misdirected. instead of being angry at antis you’re pouring it out on me. instead of taste of my own medicine you’re just pouring concrete down my throat. your emotions and your pain are valid here, but i’m not your target and taking it out on us isn’t fair. you can’t hold this above my head and think you’re justified in doing so.

again, i’m not taking away your right to vent, all i’m saying is please don’t think i am your enemy because i truly am not. i’m not an anti. my past is not my present and neither is it yours. the anger you feel is real, but it’s not entirely something you can throw at me and expect me or any pro ship k/l to just take it. we’re not the fandom stress ball or punching bag, we’re people just as you are. you have every right to be wary of me, i  don’t blame you, but again… don’t tell me this is all my fault. it’s not. it’s really really not.

thank you for giving me your perspective and your time, but at the end of the day it’s not my responsibility to make you feel okay again. that’s on you. we don’t owe each other anything. i don’t expect anything from anyone but it feels like everyone is expecting a lot from me, too much really.

[zevons]

what are your favorite EVERRRRR football fics?

The first thing I did when I saw this in my inbox was zip over to my handy dandy excel doc of fics I like and filter for football rpf.

WOW, okay self. So I scrolled through and opened up the ones I remembered particularly adoring, trying to be selective and

…alright then.

So what you see here is a list, painstakingly teased out and compiled and highly angsted over! There are so many excellent fics out there, goddamn. These are the ones that I return to over and over, and I also tried to get a good cross-section of some of my favourite pairings, because honestly I have 43 gerlonso fics alone to choose from and wanted to get a wider selection. (Also hey, my excellent followers! Please add what fics I’ve forgotten/whack me over the head with a newspaper for leaving out your faves.)

As Far As You and Me Go - distira: Pep Guardiola/José MourinhoFULL DISCLOSURE: I AM SO WEAK FOR THIS ~NARRATIVE IT IS EMBARRASSING. It’s so trope-y it could have been scripted for television. And this is, imo, the best fic out there for them, and a brilliant read besides. Even if you’re not into the pairing I can’t recommend it enough, as by nature of the ship it’s sort of the opposite of a getting-together story. (Also Sharon refused to read it for ages and ages bc ew, Mou, but I broke her down and she agreed it was good SO THERE.) The slow collapse of their relationship, the underlying nastiness on both sides, the scheming, conniving…this is the perfect example of ‘like a trainwreck; it’s terrible but you cannot look away’. You just have to keep on reading in a sort of fascinated horror as they go about carving their way through to their various victories, and at the end it’s impossible to be sure that they’ve even lost anything of value. If someone asked me to explain José Mourinho to them, I would probably give them Jonathan Wilson’s excellent article in the actual, real life Guardian, and this fic. SERIOUS BUSINESS. 

Being Young and Famous is Not a Consolation Prize - synaesthetical: Thomas MüllerA lot of these fics are Spain/England-based, but do not be fooled. On my deathbed, when my family is gathered around my withered corpse, weeping as I slowly fade from this life, one of my favoured great-grandchildren will ask, ‘Sabina, did you lead a happy life? What was your finest moment?’ And I will gaze up at the ceiling through my cataracts and say, smiling with true joy, ‘Yes, my life was fulfilled. Germany won the World Cup in 2014.’ AND THEN I WILL DIE. This particular fic is not about 2014, it is about 2010, but the point stands. If you love Germany NT, or feel, y’know, not hatred towards them, then please read it because it captures so wonderfully the tone of that tournament and that squad. Old enough to know better, but young enough to have a second chance when the time comes. This is one of those fics that I think really exemplifies not only a good story, but a good piece of football writing as well. That World Cup feeling, deliriously, dangerously happy, and at the same time how deadly serious this is. How deadly serious football is. It’s light, lovely writing, and it hits hard. 

eDisharmony - ascience: Benedikt Höwedes/Mats HummelsI’m not even going to pretend like this fic doesn’t hold the massive cool award of being the fic that inspired me to get back into writing. I gotta love myself, yknow! It’d been five-ish years since I’d written any fic of substance (I think I only posted about 4,000 words in total in that time) and then wham, I read this fic, fell entirely in love, and decided to jump on the train. And just so you know I’m not entirely biased, I reread it like a week ago and yes, it’s still hilarious, 10/10 would restart my fic career again. The dialogue and the pacing bounce along so gleefully in this story, you really have to be eating popcorn while reading. There’s a wonderfully joyful irreverence and so many shenanigans. Sooo many shenanigans. The style of the humour is also just infectious. It’s fun, there’s no better way to say it. This is a fun fic. It also has the added pleasure of reminding me just why I love/hate forums. Ohhh forums. Bring back forums! I’ve lurked on ONTD-F too long to ever properly participate and r/soccer is full of manchildren. 

Filling Up the Space - luxover: Xabi Alonso/Steven GerrardThis isn’t exactly what you would think of as ‘traditional’ gerlonso (and forreal, it’s such an Institution by this point that it’s practically spawned its own subgenres. That’s when you know a pairing has really made it.) and so it’s always stuck out to me. It’s mean, in a way that this pairing usually isn’t, and I find it absolutely fascinating. I also love this Steven; a bit harsher, a bit harder, a bit more destructive than usually shows up in fic. I mention it later down this list in a different rec but fic!Stevie has a tendency to become a bit soppy, and this is a man who would kill for his club, grim but determined. This is a divorce fic, more or less, and the way that it pulls all the threads apart to show why they were woven together in the first place is…I don’t want to say chilling, because that makes it sound like a horror story or something, but it definitely gives you pause. Idk, I just really appreciate it. (By the way it does have a happy ending, if a lack thereof would have turned you off. On the other hand, if you’ve been jaded to gerlonso and are just sick to the teeth of them, this might be the thing to draw you back in! Incredibly compelling read.)

Good Timing - Ferritin4: Xabi Alonso/Steven GerrardI couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve read this fic. I love future fic, love love looove it, and this is possiblymaybedefinitely my favourite of the genre. Xabi is managing Real Madrid and Stevie is a pundit and it is glorious. Their voices are so perfectly written, it’s the kind of fic where I have to set aside twice as long to read it as I usually would, because I inevitably end up reading and rereading almost every line, just to really savour the dialogue and the pacing. And the pining! Oh, the pining. Stevie and Xabi are so perfectly characterised, and in such generous characters. That’s really the only way I can think to describe them. Generous. The fic is warm and funny, and so comfortable. You can really tell that they’ve been friends for decades, and how deeply important that friendship has been to both of them. Also did I mention the pining? Oh god, the pining. It is delicious. 

look back in anger - neyvenger: Jamie Carragher/Gary NevilleIf you like rivalshipping and you haven’t read any Carraville fics, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. I don’t care if you’re only vaguely, guiltily fond of Liverpool and still haven’t forgiven Manchester United for doing All That Winning in the most formative years of your footballing life, filling you with the kind of simmering rage that probably won’t go away until you die. (What, talking from experience? Nah m8, this is a hypothetical. Haha. Hah. sigh) I don’t care!! It’s a great pairing that managed to escape the boundaries of being a crack ship and has somehow strayed dangerously close to being the best ship in the business! And if you like Carraville and haven’t read this fic, THEN I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU UNTIL YOU SIT YOURSELF DOWN AND READ IT. There’s time-travel! There’s enemies-to-friends-to-enemies-to-friends! Bb!Carra putting in tackles! At one point David Beckham is described as having “the air of a lazy cat”, which made my deep and enduring crush on said David Beckham cry out for mercy. THIS FIC HAS EVERYTHING.

Sandbox - scheherazade: Michael Ballack/Alexi LalasDo you like nonsense? Do you like obnoxious Americans? Do you like obnoxious Germans? How about a lot of insufferability on both sides, a whole lot of pigtail pulling, and people being Wrong in football analysis? Then this pairing is for you! Micha was my first football crush and I will forever thank whoever decided that he would make a good analysis partner for Alexi Lalas. There’s something so great about that footage from 2012, whenever Alexi says something and you can actually witness the incredulity in Michael’s face as he prepares to utterly and irrefutably shoot down whatever ridiculous statement he’s just heard. God bless! I just love these confrontational ships. They deserve a mountain of fic but with ones as good as this, I’m satisfied. They dance the line between dickiness and idiocy with such delight, you almost find yourself rooting against them because they probably don’t deserve it, even if good-hearted golden retriever Taylor Twellman is pulling for those crazy kids. This is a funny fic, and they’re such a wonderful odd couple, but if you’re like me and are consistently being emotionally tortured by the 2006 World Cup/Euro 2008/Michael Ballack’s general life and career, then you will also appreciate the underlying disappointment of a man behind a desk when he just wants to be out on the grass. 

Supertyp - imkerin: Pep Guardiola/Philipp LahmLAUGHS WILDLY INTO THE VOID OHHHH MY GOD this fic exposed me for the wreck of human being that I am, because I seriously seriously did not mean to ship this beyond like, a thought experiment, and then this fic happened and I was forced to come to terms with the fact that wow, I am All About This. Pep and Philipp’s mutual appreciation society finds its beginnings, Pep is exploratory, Philipp is cautious, José Mourinho is a ruinous individual who knows just when and where to twist the knife, I am fired into the sun by the United Nations for being entirely not okay. I was vaguely keeping it together until this fic. And so naturally, I reread it like, every other week. Every word is perfectly placed and every exchange is shoot to kill. The characters in this fic don’t do anything out of the ordinary for their jobs, but you get the sense that if they were in politics or poisons they would be frightening. 

they were a long hallway - madanach: Bastian Schweinsteiger/Lukas PodolskiTen years for this shit, man. Schweinski is one of those long-term, rock solid ships that you can rely on to like, have made you dinner when you get home from a twelve hour shift and pour you a fourth glass of wine without asking if you’ve maybe had too much. It’s always gonna be there, even though they’ve had their shaky moments. Despite those shaky moments and a lot of awkward growing up, it’s also a ship that can somehow seem easy. It can somehow seem like they don’t have to work for it. This fic has them work for it. There’s messiness and idiocy and some amazing fun times and some shitty low times. This fic is like the Bildungsroman for schweinski. It’s not clear-cut and it’s not straightforward: in life you get all tangled up and are sometimes tempted to just chop your way out, Gordian Knot-style, but you just can’t do that, y’know? This fic does such a good job with the tangling and the untangling, I feel like it validates a lot of the nonsense I got into in my Youth. Even though I’ll probably never win the World Cup as payoff, but still.

This Bitch of a Country - Rave: Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard[quiet wailing noise] nnngnggjhgn okay I said I was going to try and mix up the ships in this list but look!! look. Gerlonso is like, the ultimate holy fucking grail and there’re simply too many good fics not to throw more than one in here. Also it would be a crime not to include this one, which manages to be hilarious and heartbreaking, comforting and cruel, all at once. There’s something about mid-2000s Liverpool that will never fail to make my breath catch, this sort of tragic magnificence that achieved so goddamn much and yet…and yet. (Read this fantastic article from gone-too-soon Grantland, because this fic understands that atmosphere. Also I blame Thierry Henry entirely for validating my soft spot for this club. He set such a precedent!) There’s familiarity here, and anger, and the sort of hopeless love that makes you want to weep your goddamn eyes out. This fic manages to show the hurt on both sides without woobifying anyone out of recognition (and look…I love a good woobie as much as the next person but sometimes gerlonso gets skewed a bit too much in one direction or the other, with Stevie either being a helpless weepy ruin or Xabi being run out of everyone’s hearts on a rail, which can be great if you’re in the mood but a little bit of perspective is nice. And this fic has perspective in fucking droves.) 

tripas y corazón - Hyb: Iker Casillas/Sergio RamosThis fic will have you on the fucking floor. One of the inspirations behind football fic is, of course, the personalities and the relationships: who are these people, how do they interact, what ties them together. But another aspect is of course the clubs. Some of the best football fics are the ones that can really dig into the clubs, which are really sort of nebulous entities defined mostly by the players and the supporters. This fic uses the entity of Real Madrid to devastating effect. It’s a seriker fic, but it’s also very much a fic about the love affair between Iker and Real, and how thorny and complicated such a love affair can be. (Do you ever cry your eyes out about Iker Casillas? Do you ever wish you could throw yourself into a volcano as a sacrifice to make his life easier and happier? JOIN ME TODAY!) There’s something about the prose that brings everything out into a kind of harsh definition. As you read, you think that you can see what’s happening but then it does happen, and you feel winded, somehow. Blindsided. As a bonus, there’s also a cryptic and unhelpful Xabi cameo, in utterly classic style. Read and enjoy, read and die slowly inside because your life is a mess and you never even really supported  Real Madrid what has happened!!!!! here!!!!!!

und wenn ein lied - scheherazade: Philipp Lahm, Bastian Schweinsteiger, genThis is a difficult fic, okay. It’s not a nice fic, I guess, definitely not a happy fic, and it’s a tricky subject. It’s hosted on lj but if it had been written yesterday on AO3 there would be a lot of warning tags. Essentially it deals with homophobia in the sport, and whether or not players should come out or not. It’s a serious story and more than a little bit heartbreaking, but it’s a brilliant read and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Maybe I’m a little bit biased, because I love Fips and this fic can be seen as a kind of vindication for some disagreeable comments he made back in 2011 that got the fandom all a-spinning and it was generally not a great time. (On a side note, it is really interesting to read today and see just how much these politics have changed in the past- oh, fuck me, six years? Jesus I feel old) So definitely a huge YMMV warning on this one, but it remains one of my favourites. It’s beautifully written and really delves into various characters and the tightropes that they walk.

vainglory - anemoi: Raúl González/José María GutiérrezI blame two culprits for my complicated Thing with Real Madrid. The first is Iker Casillas and his unfairly beautiful face/hands, and the second is this fic. Because it’s fine to have a long-lasting crush on a player, but when you start delving into a club’s legends and becoming invested in the story lines? Then, my friend, you have a problem. There’s something gloriously sparse about the prose of this fic. It’s like a thin jacket in late fall that isn’t quite keeping you warm, so you just have to pull it tighter around yourself even though you keep shivering. There are so many descriptive passages that make you shudder: orange streetlights, oranges from a cart on the streets. There’s a sense of desperation in the bones of this fic, which is so stark against the backdrop of the club and the responsibility placed on the captain and vice-captain. Strength on the pitch contrasted with open vulnerability in quieter, more private moments. Breath-taking and just- ugh. This one really made an impact on me, and is always going to be one of my favourite Raúl/Guti stories amid a multitude of excellence. 

….

good grief, I know I’ve forgotten so many (and will in all probability wake up in the middle of night tonight in abject horror because how could I have forgotten such-and-such fic! And so-and-so!) but here you go, thirteen fics that I love and adore. All of these authors, too, have incredible oeuvres that are worth checking out! I could talk forever about fic and honestly, come ramble with me because yayy literary criticism! and also crying about footballers! etc etc

If you’ve read this far, I commend you. Thanks for the opportunity to talk your ear off!

[60daysofbreaking-blog]

Day 4.5

-Floored-

So it’s night now.

Today was probably my best day so far.

Started with rage like in the earlier post but yknow I felt alright, was a nice change from the endless crying.

And then you came back, you wanted to be here for me. You wanted to make sure I was okay, patronizing but i’m in to pathetic of a state to say no. We keep talking it feels good. You’re distant and slow to reply, but I’ll take what I can get.

Jon and del came over, probably the only family I’ve told only because of the wedding, they hung out in my room. We didn’t talk about it but we just talked. It felt nice to be able to hold a conversation with someone. I didn’t do well but it’s a small step in the right direction.

My mom saw me, said I look better, she probably knows something is up, but I can’t find the words to admit it to her. I’m weak that way.

Joel invited us for pasta, he said he wanted to test something out. Probably wanted to make sure I was okay after yesterday’s talk, or bawl on my part. Cried through it like a little bitch. Dylan was there too, we had a good time. And I was able to enjoy it all because I thought things were normalizing. You were here, my friends were here, I felt alright.

But all good things come to an end don’t they. I had this burning question, a seed of suspicion planted by my friends on Saturday, that there was some one else. I didn’t want to ask. But I had to. I hoped that you could give me the answer I was looking for. But no such luck for me.

You said someone may like you.

I asked if you liked him

You said it wasn’t a problem

I asked if it wasn’t a problem cause you don’t like him or you do but you want to be alone now.

It was the latter. You said you wanted to test that option, to see if it would show you what you wanted in a relationship, whether you could bring it back to us. You wanted a fling, to strengthen us.. A FLING. TO FIX US?

See everything above, all the happiness I had in the day. Yup all of that just spiraled to the ground right now. Everything I drew strength from today just blown away. Nothing remained. I felt so much anger, confusion disappointment and ultimately weakness. I crumpled into a fetal position on the floor. How did we get here. How did you go from “ commitment and love is a choices ” to “ this fling will fix us ”. I can’t imagine.

You said you didn’t want to tell me cause everything would sound bad. No shit bitch. You said you just wanted some time to yourself, you’re busy with shit and can’t figure anything out. Fuck you whore.

I tried to be logical, I tried to say we can find you together, or you can do step by step, you don’t know the shut me out, but you want to don’t you? This whole thing was about asking permission to cheat, trying to feel better about whoring out.

You said you were trying.

I can’t tell anymore.

You said you were happy alone at home today, by yourself. But was there for me too.

I asked if you were there for him to.

You deflected, said you’d reply tomorrow. You needed sleep.

But I know, I know you were. Between talking to me, the “ breaks ” you were “away ” you were on whatsapp talking to him. Taking turn.

And like I said in my previous post, what happens when rage dissipates. I’m just shaking now, huddled in my fetal position. Crying on the floor.

Mervelle, how did we come to this. Also, I don’t think I can take this anymore.