#benefits of sports psychology

[solhwellness]

Use of Sports Psychology in improving Mental Fitness | Solh Wellness

Sports psychology is the study of how psychological factors influence athletic performance, exercise, and physical activity. The study of how athletic activity can improve one's health and well-being is known as sports psychology. Athletes can use psychology to improve their physical and mental health. Sports psychology is also beneficial to both athletes and non-athletes.

The Advantages of Sports Psychology

Sports psychology is a vast field with numerous applications. Here are a few examples of how sports psychology can be applied.

Improved Focus: The emphasis of this therapy is on tuning out external distractions and focusing on the present moment. This is especially useful for athletes competing in front of a large audience. Deep breathing, mindfulness, and paying attention to physical signals and feelings are all common techniques for accomplishing this goal.

Developing Mental Strength: This phrase refers to the psychological characteristics that an athlete must have in order to perform at their best. Unwavering faith in oneself, the ability to overcome obstacles, and an unquenchable desire to succeed are examples of these characteristics. Mental toughness is enhanced by the ability to respond constructively to situations, maintain composure under stress, and maintain control.

Manifestation and Goal Setting: Visualizing a specific goal being met can help athletes mentally prepare for the hard work ahead. Better mental health can also aid in the attainment of mental peace.

Motivation and team building: Some sports psychologists collaborate with coaches and professional athletes to improve motivation and performance. Motivation, a key topic in sports psychology, investigates both extrinsic and intrinsic motivators. Team development is also an important topic in this industry. Sports psychologists may collaborate with coaches and athletes to improve teamwork and camaraderie.

Reducing Performance Anxiety: Before a big game or event, professional athletes experience stress and anxiety. This technique is intended to alleviate athletes' performance anxiety. Relaxation, negative thought change, and self-confidence building are all techniques that can be used in this process.

Conclusion

Athletes and non-athletes alike benefit from sports psychology, or the application of psychological strategies to physical activity and sports. It also includes a number of techniques for increasing exercise adherence and performance.

If you are dealing with mental health issues that are interfering with your daily life, please contact Solh Wellness. We strive to provide the best personalised mental health care at the most reasonable prices. Take the first step towards improving your mental health. Get the Solh App right now!

[healthy-nutrition-for-children]

 Everything you want to know about the advantages of sports for children Benefits of sports for children Roaa Al-Shraideh

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Boost Your Athletic Performance with Sports Hypnosis

Unlock your full athletic potential with the power of sports hypnosis. Athletes often focus on physical training, but mental clarity and focus are equally crucial for peak performance. Sports hypnosis can enhance your concentration, confidence, and motivation, helping you achieve your goals and excel in your sport.

Hypnosis, a well-established technique, is not just for mental health issues but has long been used in sports to improve performance. By using self-hypnosis downloads, you can achieve a heightened state of focus and overcome mental barriers that affect your game.

Studies have shown that sports hypnosis can boost performance, reduce muscle tension, and increase confidence. It helps athletes visualize success and stay motivated, making it a valuable tool for both amateurs and professionals.

For more insights on how sports hypnosis can elevate your athletic performance, click here.

[kissingwookiees]

anyways though this article is a very excellent read about connor ingram’s struggles with undiagnosed ocd while trying to make his way in the nhl

[astro-rainbow777]

✨𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔐𝔬𝔬𝔫 𝔖𝔦𝔤𝔫𝔰 & 𝔐𝔬𝔬𝔫 𝔗𝔥𝔯𝔬𝔲𝔤𝔥 𝔗𝔥𝔢 ℌ𝔬𝔲𝔰𝔢𝔰 ✨

~ Represented by "☾" in a natal chart ~ The moon is symbolic for the emotional nature, your natural instincts, intuition, the inner psyche, the relationship to the more feminine parent or guardian and often times how we see ourselves. ~The sign the moon falls into how the behaves and expresses itself, the house it falls into shows where the moon's energy prominently shows up in the native's chart.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧𝓜𝓸𝓸𝓷 𝓢𝓲𝓰𝓷𝓼‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

🌑 Aries Moon- This moon sign feels things at an intense, bold and expressive level. Think of their feelings a constant burning flame, with every emotional encounter acting as gasoline. There can be a sudden, explosive reaction that fizzles out very quickly. This shows up in every emotion that they experience. They aren't one to hold on to grudges because when they feel things they feel it to the fullest extent. Competition, working out and sexual activity can help with feelings of anger and restlessness. They are very passionate lovers and feelers. Aries Moons are not one to beat around the bush, if they feel something they will make it very apparent unless other aspects in the chat show differently. They are known for their assertive and direct nature with a possibility for a selfish reputation. However they are pioneers, confident in their abilities and dreams. They are warriors of the heart and would probably go to war for those they love. At work, they have no issues ruffling a few feathers. Combat, competition and deadlines excite them. Most Aries moons at least have a sports team they loyal to. Expect nothing but emotional honesty from this moon signs! If they want to do something, they will :)

🌒 Taurus Moon- The moon is very comfortable in the sign of Taurus because of its value of security, peace, and safety. Their emotional boundaries are usually firm, stable and strong, which makes for someone with healthy coping skills and self worth. Taurus moons are great lovers, gift givers, and emotionally loyal. They are guided by their five senses and generally have a strong intuition. They try to stay realistic and practical with their emotions. They aren't too big on day dreaming and have an easy time staying grounded in reality and the present moment. The moon is exalted in Taurus, meaning it has an easy time here while also having a chance to grow. Having financial security (although, abundance is prefered lol) and material needs met is a must for a Taurus moons sanity. They are known to strive for the best on a material level; the softest fabric, gourmet foods, beautiful music and aesthetics. Cooking, being with their loved ones, shopping, nature walks, and self care bring them internal peace and relaxation. There may be a tendency to resist change and stick to what they are familiar to. However, who can blame them? They are the masters of quality and comfort.

🌓Gemini Moon- Known for their spunky, hilarious, and witty nature- Gemini moons are far from boring. These moon signs are very vocal about their emotional upsets and excitements, although they have a tendency to cope with humor and make light of how they truly feel. This sign may also have difficulties intellectualizing their feelings and may struggle escaping their mental energy when trying to connect to their intuition. They may have troubles balancing the head and their heart, and benefit from journaling, talking it out, heck!- even talking to themself can be very beneficial. Having something to bounce their emotions off of can bring them emotional clarity. Meditation can be beneficial for these natives, but it might be a difficult practice to get into. There is a nervous, racing, changeability to their emotions which may cause them a lot of anxiety or restlessness. They may benefit by having a healthy curiosity about psychology and the emotional nature, as well as their hobbies and "special interests" which I truly believe every Gemini Moon has lol. They love to socialize with a variety of different people, trying to keep it light hearted and playful. With a Gemini Moon it's really never that deep lmao.

🌔Cancer Moon- The moon sits at home/domicile in the sign of Cancer, making for a generally sweet, family (biological or chosen) oriented, and emotionally aware moon sign. Their intuitive abilities are strong, so when they get a good feeling about someone or something they try to ride with it. Cancer moons enjoy connecting with their loved ones, expressing their artistic ability, and relaxing at home. Their biological family has probably made a great impact on the way they see themselves and express emotions- good, bad or neutral. They are blessed with a great memory and can get lost in nostalgia from time to time. Letting go of the past is not an easy thing for them to do. They may be plagued by memories of the good old days that prevents them from maturing or entering a new phase of their life. Cancer moons are extremely sentimental; if you entered their home or safe space, you would most likely find random knick knacks, birthday cards/letters, or toys that they keep as trophies from the past. This moon sign is private about their feelings, especially in social settings- it is important that they can trust whoever they open up to and that their feelings are safe. They can be hurt easily, which may cause them to put up walls with others. The worst thing you can do is criticize them for their moodiness and emotional changeability. Although Cancer moons are protective of themselves and their emotional sensitivity, they are just as protective of their loved ones.

🌕Leo Moons- Within this moon sign holds a fountain overflowing with creativity and artistic expression. It isn't uncommon for these natives to create a masterpiece after experiencing some kind of loss or a great success. Leo moons may have a playlist curated for every mood and every chapter in their life. It is important that shine in at least one area of their life (This may be determined by where the moon falls in the houses or where the sun falls in the houses), this may not be as loud as a leo sun but it is possible that you will hear the lion's roar if their emotional needs aren't met. They are extremely loyal to their family, possibly to a fault, whether being biological family or chosen family. They are very prideful in their feelings and may struggle to validate the emotional experiences of others, feeling that their experience holds more validity than the experience of someone else's. Most Leo moons have a special talent that the receive recognition for, which often ties into their creative abilities but not always. They are very kind, warm and generous with their emotions and in connecting with others. Those who stay true to the Leo moon will certainly be rewarded.

🌖Virgo Moons-Practical and intelligent, the virgo moon always knows how to improve a situation. They can take a mental approach to their internal struggles, analyzing the hearts desires and searching for the perfect outcome. They can try to fix their emotions rather than sitting with them and feeling out their problems. As with their loved ones, it can be hard to leave their emotional difficulties as they are. Virgo moons can have a very critical mind, and if they fix too hard on their emotions it can manifest in the physical body. They are prone to worry and stress so having an organized routine may help them relax. Having pets at home or plants to take care of can soothe their need to take care of something, more often than not if they aren't taking care of something it can bleed into their relationships. Virgo moons often have an ear for music and prefer music that have "correct" harmonies and good rhythm. Often times their love for others is expressed through acts of service, but they are known to be too critical at times. If a Virgo is not intune with their own emotions, when others or themselves express emotions they can feel uncomfortable or icky. It is important for them not to judge emotions; virgo placements judge themself harder than they judge anyone else.

🌗Libra Moon- Partnership is very important to these people, often times if they don't have a best friend or romantic relationship they can feel less than satisfied. It's common for these natives to learn about themselves emotionally through their connections with others. There is a emphasis on fairness and balance in one's emotional life. That being said, when there is conflict between others, the native can be emotionally avoidant, passive aggressive, and engage in people pleasing activities. It is very important to have a win win outcome, these are not people who care for winning an argument. Libra moons are the most secure when they are surrounded by love, peace. and harmony. Compromise is a talent you can bring to your partnerships at work, family, and personal relationships. It is easy for this moon sign to see the good in others, although they may struggle with uglier emotions that exist within themselves. It can be difficult for them to express when their boundaries have been violated, at least earlier in life. Overtime Libra moons will learn how to lean into their mediating abilities and before they know it this becomes one of their biggest strengths.

🌘Scorpio Moon-This moon sign is deep, mysterious and alluring. Scorpio moons have a instinctive understanding of psychology and at their best can be great healers. Their emotions are powerful and at some point in their life have to learn how to gain control over their extreme emotions. The moon is uncomfortable in the sign of Scorpio and is considered in "fall". Scorpio is a very black and white sign, so wherever you find scorpio in a natal chart can show where there can be extreme polarities. With the moon in the sign of Scorpio, the native can be be all or nothing in terms of their emotions. They can be the most connected, loyal, trustworthy person in your life; however, if you betray them there is no going back. Scorpio moons will never forget what you have done to them, good or bad. Forgiveness is possible and encouraged, but they will always remember the knives in their back. They are great at finding out the truth as well, this placement is powerfully psychic and intuitive. It is near impossible to lie to them and if they find out someone is, it is hard to give a second chance. A healthy Scorpio moon can be the sweetest, kindest, purest person ever. An unhealthy Scorpio moon? A weapon of self destruction, fearlessness, emotional manipulation, and at worst abusive.

🌑Sagittarius Moon- Optimistic, jovial, and emotionally independent, the Sag moon is always down for an adventure! These natives are goofballs and know how to turn that frown upside down! 🤡 Going for a drive, escaping somewhere new can really help soothe their emotional upsets. No matter how down these people may be, they are always up to have some fun! They aren't the best with sitting with their emotions or sitting with their loved ones emotions. They often search for the philosophical interpretation of what's going on in the their inner world. It can be hard for them to emotionally commit in their relationships, and those close to them should know that Sag moons benefit from a go with the flow mentality. They love to connect with people of all different kinds of backgrounds and ethnicities. Through their emotional experiences they often create their own philosophy life and where their place is in the world. These guys are generally good humored, spontaneous and down to hang if their available. They often move many times in their life and might find it is hard for them to settle down. Exercising their freedom is extremely important to them and they are likely to suffer if anyone is trying or succeeding in controlling them.

🌒Capricorn Moon- Hardworking, persistent and patient, Capricorn moons are known for their mature and serious reputation. This moon sign is considered in detriment in the sign of Capricorn, meaning the moon's energy is not the most comfortably expressed here. This moon sign is quite restrictive when expressing their emotions and might feel as though they must be the strong one for others, leaving little room for themselves. It is possible that these natives restrict their emotions to protect themselves or may feel that it's not practical to show how they feel. While they may have a huge heart, Capricorn moons are slow to show their authentic emotions. Even then they aren't big on showing their emotions to those they care about the most. Their actions often make up for their lack of romantic affection. The type to provide for you rather than outright say that they love you. They are dependable and reliable, so if you need anything at all a Capricorn moon will be the first to show up. They are often humble in their gratitude and affection, prefering to keep their charitable acts private. Although this moon sign is considered out of place, there is a lot to be admired and appreciated about he way they show their feelings.

🌓Aquarius Moon- This moon sign is known for its unique interests, superior intelligence, and quirky personality. Aquarius moons can be a little more detached from their emotions than the other moon signs, but they have a big heart for their community and personal relationships. These natives can feel like the black sheep of their family, which ultimately makes them an independent thinker and personality. Often times they make their own family with others who have the same values and beliefs as they do- Although they enjoy a healthy debate now and then. Aquarius moons are humanitarians at heart and want to make the world a better place. It can be difficult for them to honor you or your opinion if it doesn't benefit the world at large. These individuals are often skilled in science, technology and engineering. Their emotions can be erratic and unpredictable even to them, which can make them feel like they are no posterface for sanity. They can feel alone in the world and misunderstood which is why it's so important for them to have a bigger purpose or community to be apart of, they are the happiest when serving the community at large.

🌔Pisces Moon- These natives are the masters of compassion and unconditional love. Their empathy is powerful and their intuition is strong, a lot of these natives have clairvoyant or clairsentient abilities. Although this moon sign is the emotional embodiment of compassionate care, their own feelings can be cloudy, confusing and disorienting. They may struggle with their sense of self and pick up feelings that didn't belong to them to begin with. There can be a tendency towards emotional escapism, which can manifest as addiction, codependency, daydreaming, ect. Because of their are emotional sponges, they often pick up, not only on the good feelings of others but also some darker energy. This can be very difficult to cope with due to their caring and selfless nature. They can become self sacrificing for those they care about, which is very beautiful when you think about it, although it is best not to give with the expectation of something in return- even if it is as pure as love. This can lead to resentment and emotional manipulation that they might not even be aware of. It is important to be grounded in matters of the heart because of Pisces moon sensitivity. They benefit from a "collective consciousness' attitude and are at their best when they give from a place of wanted to give.

𐦍⋆𝑀𝑜𝑜𝓃 𝒯𝒽𝓇𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝐻𝑜𝓊𝓈𝑒𝓈⋆𐦍

🌙 Moon In First~ A sweet, caring and protective personality, this moon placement is known for wearing their heart on their sleeve. They often make strangers feel comfortable upon their first meeting because of their comforting energy. They may show a strong resemblance to their mother, although that is not always present. Many of them have a familiar quality and remind others of a loved one- if not it’s common to feel like you’ve met them before. They are excellent at making others feel like home, although it is important for them to learn how to feel at home within themselves. This may be a constant theme in their lives. You can rely on them to express their emotions authentically however it may be that they are more passive aggressive than assertive. Moon in the first natives are very connected to their emotional nature and their sensitivity plays a big role in their life. They are highly sentimental and if you are in the circle of loved ones they hold you very close to their heart. In their childhood, they could have assumed the role of caregiver for a parent or siblings at an early age. Many of them have super soft skin, have a crescent-to full moon face shape, and sparkly eyes. Depending on the sign the moon is can show if they are more introverted and closed off or more welcoming and outgoing.

🪼 Moon In Second~ With the moon in the second house of self worth, finances and material possessions- This can manifest as a need for financial stability and security. That being said the moon is a constantly changing planet, so self worth and material gains can be kind of an emotional rollercoaster or just a sensitive topic for the moon in second natives. This individual can have a hard time breaking away from the family financially or have some kind of influence of their personal relationship with their finances and self worth. They can have possession of family heirlooms, buy their childhood home, or spend a good portion of money on matters related to the home or loved ones. Depending on their financial situation can determine their emotional stability. When distraught they can indulged in retail therapy, stress eating, or just a fat nap 😴 They are extremely generous when they have everything under control, gift giving or providing for others may be how they show their feelings for others. It makes them feel safe as well when their loved ones are willing to show them the same generosity. They can be very loyal to their creature comforts and may have fears surrounding change.

🕸️ Moon In Third~ This moon placement can be a reserved talker, a good listener and possess a sensitive mind. They are often emotionally intelligent and have an adequate understanding of basic psychology- at minimum. Siblings can hold a soft spot in heart and may live with them from time to time. Some of them may live in their car, RV, bus or live an on the road lifestyle. The more feminine parent could treat them as a friend, an equal, or have a more childlike relationship with them. On a more negative note, that parent can behave very immaturely and not be present in the native’s life. Moon in the Third can be close with their childhood friends and hold relationships all the way from grade school. These people may benefit from learning about their emotions to help obtain peace. They can find comfort in their interests, hobbies and talents; This can serve as form of meditation for them. It helps them to have a loved one they can talk to about their stresses, if not it may cause them anxiety and restlessness. They can have an empathetic communication style that can change depending on the moon sign and the people they are around. Good secret keepers, although they can be emotional gossipers.

🏠 Moon In Fourth~ Home is where their heart is! These people look for comfort in their family relations or creating a family that they never had. These people can have a prominent relationship with their mother or mother figure, where they are like best friends in the adult years. They are sensitive to their loved one’s emotional needs and opinions of them. They are excellent host and probably don’t go out too much. If they are socializing, it has to be somewhere that is safe and comforting for them. They can lean on the introverted side of life, preferring to stay in rather than go out. Doing cozy activities, decorating and tending to their home can bring them emotional satisfaction. They may gain a lot of happiness from being a parent and parenting is most likely second nature to these people. Moon in Fourth natives are generally private with outsiders about matters of the home and their emotions. They have a talent for intuitively picking up the needs of their loved ones, which can make those lucky enough to be in their circle feel very special. Their emotions are meant to be felt with moon in the fourth house and is a great tool these individuals use to navigate themselves, their relationships and the world around them.

💎 Moon In Fifth~ These individuals are loud and proud about their feelings and cares for the world! They are artists that use their feelings to paint a picture, tell a tale, sing a song and so on. Their feelings can be bold and dramatic- they definitely aren’t shy about expressing their concerns or excitements. They have many hobbies, love to have fun and grab the attention of those around them. They are likely to be popular and have many friends because of this quality. It is super important that they express their feelings authentically or they may feel that their light is being dimmed. They may behave recklessly when they are stressed or worried- they have a habit of risk taking or gambling away stability. They can be prideful in their conflicts, refusing to look at the other side of the coin. However, they are extremely loyal to the people and communities they care about. Moon in the fifth may have to be humbled by their loved ones from time to time because they are the main character of their the movie that is their life! Their creativity and imagination is beyond attractive to many, which makes them extremely like able and charming. Others will find them selves loyal to the moon in the fifth, which will more than likely be returned.

🎐 Moon In Sixth~ With the moon falling into the sixth, having a healthy and organized routine is the best way to achieve optimal emotional wellness. This placement may find that they are emotional cleaners and planners. Although they may struggle with keeping a consistent routine, it’s going to be beneficial for them to learn how to keep one. This placement may suffer from anxiety or excessive worry for whatever reason. Often times their moms were very hard on them, worked in healthcare, or had a lot to take care of. These people may find emotional peace and security in taking care of others, plants and animals. Many moon in the sixth natives are close with their coworkers and make a home at the work place. It is possible they have a job where they help others or that their job brings them a level of emotional fulfillment. It is important to note that emotional distress and excessive worry can manifest in the body. Diet is very important as well so be cautious of what food is impacting your moods as well. These people have a tendency to be very critical of their own emotions, so if they aren’t aware this can bleed into their relationships with others. Healthy Exercise and diet can be emotionally healing and supportive.

💫 Moon In Seventh~ These natives find their emotional security and fulfillment in their partnerships. Their spouse will end up helping them a lot with their confidence and become a safe space for the native. Their partner is likely to be very sensitive, empathetic and intuitive to the needs of the moon in seventh individual. The native or their spouse may show care taking qualities in the relationship. The moon in seventh person may be very intuitive and empathetic to others in general. They are the most emotionally sound whenever they have someone to feel their feelings with. They may struggle to express their feelings if they feel that it isn’t “fair” or “just”- which may lead to people pleasing or abandonment of the self. In a partnership their mood can change depending on their partners mood. It is comfortable to have someone to feel and express their emotions with. It is important to learn how to balance their emotional need to be in partnership with a relationship to the self. They will support their partner (and other close relationships) in all matters concerning the heart and encourage emotional vulnerability between each other.

⛈ Moon In Eighth~ This moon placement can have a heavy impact on the natives life. More often than not, the individual will be interested in darker, taboo subjects (crime documentaries, witchcraft, the occult, ect). They are known for their mysterious and deep reputation- I wouldn't be surprised if a majority of the tumblr astrology community have this placement. These natives feel things to their core and because of this may find themselves asking "why?". This is a powerful placement and will certainly be felt by the moon in the eighth individual. These people may find it hard to open up, talk about their feelings, or connect to others. There is usually a moment of suffrage in the natives life that brings about great transformation. These moments of trauma...addict*on...ab*se...ect. are the same things that guide them to spiritual research and taboo subjects. These people look for and find their comfort in the unknown. It is a blessing and a curse for many of them- they can have a very deep connection to life and death, which while beautiful, can be lonely🥺. Spirituality is a great gift and tool(excellent intuition as well), so I advise these people to lean into these abilities.

🐚 Moon In Ninth~ These natives could've grown up moving around quite a bit giving them a go with the flow attitude in regards to their emotions! Their maternal figure can be from a different part of the world, philosophical, well traveled, a teacher, or preachy when it comes to theirs beliefs- heck, they could even be a preacher! The years 19-21 can be a very special time for these people. They can find comfort in travel, freedom and pondering life's existence. These people love new experiences, exploring the unknown, and exercising their freedom muscles. It is important that these people have the ability to live an independent lifestyle, they will not be happy being tied down for too long. Not saying they can't commit- there's just a need for balance. Moon in the ninth are known for their moral compass and certain beliefs they stick too- they are super big on expressing THEIR TRUTH. These individuals cope with uncomfortable emotions with a (hopefully) healthy dose of optimism, humor and warm smile! They make great company on any adventure- just don't expect them to see them tomorrow! The wind is calling them <3

⏳ Moon In Tenth~ This moon placement can give the native a great connection to their purpose (This doesn't have to be work). I see a lot of people with moon in tenth who are stay at home moms! Being a mom is a career y'all, I don't care what they say! They can gain a lot of respect for their nurturing and caring side. The moon is super personal so having it placed in the house of public image can be uncomfortable. They can be known for who they really are. It's possible that they work from home, are apart of a family business, work with your family or their family could've inspired your career in some way. Their place of work can be like home to the native, they can be a nurturing boss, or have a work family. The career can require them to be soft with others, exercise empathy or be nurturing with the people they work with. It is important that they have good boundaries with moon in tenth because the native is known for their emotional sensitivity or timidness. The native is reliable and finds it very important to provide for their loved ones. The type to show their care through actions or silently.

🦚 Moon In Eleventh~ With the moon in the eleventh house, the native can achieve emotional fulfillment by going after their goals and dreams. It is important that they belong to a community or a group of friends- It will bring more comfort to be around like minded people. The native may deal with emotional unrest, unpredictability, and loneliness due to their unique beliefs and mindset. These people are often humanitarians or belong to an organization that helps them express their emotional upsets. There is a need to belong somewhere, so whatever unique interests the individual has should be embraced and accepted so they have an easier time finding their people! Moon in the eleventh can be very innovative, ahead of their time and bring a lot to the table. Just because they are different doesn't mean they are are wrong! These people may find enjoyment in technological advancement, video games, coding, engineering, or anything that is on a progressive movement. These people may find peace in activism as well because it's forward thinking and progressive.

🌌 Moon In Twelfth~ These natives possess a sensitive, dreamy, and spiritual inner world. Many of them are psychic and aware of their impermanence in this lifetime. Moon in twelfth has a hotline straight to source consciousness and a very intimate relationship with the universe. Although this placement comes with many spiritual gifts, it can be a lonely placement for the moon. People can overwhelm the moon in the twelfth native because of their heightened sensitivities. It also can manifest as addict*on struggles because being psychic can be a tough journey. Many people don't understand them or take advantage of their loving nature. Like moon in the eighth house, these people find comfort in the unknown, the afterlife, or the idea of returning to home that isn't physical. For them, home is not something they can can physically obtain, it is somewhere so serene, so beautiful beyond human comprehension. This placement benefits from alone time, good rest, and plenty of vacation. Please make sure that y'all aren't coping with dr*gs, alc*hol, or s*x - this can be an emotionally overwhelming placement so please try to lean into your spirituality if you aren't already <3 Alone time is a must!

🌑 🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘 🌑

THANKS SO MUCH!!! I HOPE YOU ENJOYED

🌑 🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘 🌑

I love hearing y'alls feedback and constructive criticism so please let me know what y'all think in the comments or via DM <3 I hope all of my followers are doing great, thanks so much for supporting me, this has brought me a lot of emotional fulfillment to express my passion for spirituality and astrology. I hope you can take something away from this post to gain a better sense of understanding of yourself. Thanks again so much, Happy Sag Season Kees Kees, Kya <3

[moonlitrogue]

hi

can i ask about mercury in the 8th house?

Hi! Of course ~~~

 ☿▪️ Excluding other factors and aspects, Mercury takes on a Plutonian intensity when it resides in the Eighth House.

 ☿▪️ The house of transformation and slow, inevitable changes clashes with Mercury, the fastest planet overseeing our relations with the realm of ideas.

☿ Mercury in 8th House ☿

‧₊˚🖇️   Mercury in 8h is a mental scalpel interested in extracting spiritual and psychological insights.

‧₊˚🖇️ Natives are driven with the tendency to get to the bottom of things.

‧₊˚🖇️ Mercury in the 8th house gives me gothic academia vibes.

‧₊˚🖇️ Except these natives aren't just learning from books. The way they think, communicate and understand the world is often through intense life experiences.

‧₊˚🖇️ Alternatively, simple conversations, or casual reading, or day-to-day operations can result in the natives having profound realizations

‧₊˚🖇️ This placement bestows an insatiable curiosity on life's hidden mysteries - a bent towards the occult and the esoteric, as well as taboo subjects is quite common.

‧₊˚🖇️ As curious as they may be they can end up spooking themselves at times with what they unearth 🤭

‧₊˚🖇️ Communication style - often go straight to the heart of the matter, probing and inquisitive, choose their words carefully and selective about what they share.

‧₊˚🖇️ Their words have the ability to cut you. Some of the natives can be harsh or shrewd in their communication.

‧₊˚🖇️ They're either impressive or incomprehensible speakers.

‧₊˚🖇️ Excavators of information and insight - they may be attracted to forensic investigation, psychotherapy, investigative journalism, neuroscience, archaeology, paleontology, foreign travelling/research/hidden cultures, financial and risk analysts, estate attorney and legal advocacy, human rights, public-speaking, filmmaking esp. thriller fiction (+writer/researcher), strategy based sports to name some.

‧₊˚🖇️ Could also be a skilled entrepreneur, or political analyst, or negotiator due to their ability to quickly read between the lines and anticipate moves in a high-stakes situation

‧₊˚🖇️ They have a survivor's mindset driving them to achieve in areas of mental endurance and transformations. Adversely, they could be arrogant and boastful.

‧₊˚🖇️ Natives may struggle with emotional processing of grief as they're quick to intellectualize life's mysteries and pain, faster than their emotions can keep up.

‧₊˚🖇️ May have had secrecy or taboos surrounding their early childhood learning ( eg. going to an isolated school); could be private in their learning methods

‧₊˚🖇️ Sibling dynamics could have involved secrecy and betrayal, making them attached to psychological observations

‧₊˚🖇️ Natives will benefit from deep-breathing exercises and outdoor activities ( doesn't include exploring foggy meadows, cemeteries, abandoned houses or crime scenes 🤨)

[pinkacademiaprincess]

Hiiiii! what extracurricular activities do you do?

Renaissance Woman: Being Well-Rounded via Extracurricular Activities 👩‍💼🧠🎨🏅

hi, ty for the ask! i’ve done many different extracurricular activities through the years. in high school i did dance, choir, ceramics, and i took elective classes in coding/ statistics. in college i’ve joined a book club, various accounting/ business organizations, honors program, research, and i take extra courses in interesting subjects like psychology and sociology. i’ve also worked part-time most of the time since i turned 16.

if you’re wanting to decide what kinds of extracurriculars to do, i’d say to try to make it a variety. and pick things that you are actually interested in doing and will be able to truly commit to. don’t spread yourself thin and don’t make yourself do anything you reeeally don’t want to do.

i try to have a mix of the following:

physical activities

a sport or exercise class is a great form of extracurricular activity because it keeps you active. depending on the activity it also develops your teamwork and collaborative skills. you can also build strong bonds amongst your teammates/ workout buddies. find something you truly enjoy & can see yourself committing the time to!

academic & career advancers

this can include clubs based on a field of study/ career path, academic/ business organizations, educational electives, practicing a relevant skill, and so on. these are useful if you’ve got a career path or field in mind and want to learn more about it. if it involves a group setting you can find like-minded people with the same goals. these types of programs also provide tools, resources, & guidance for success.

hobby/ fun

some of the most fulfilling extracurriculars may be something you just enjoy as a hobby. for me this was things like choir, ceramics, and other arts. i enjoy artistic stuff as a creative outlet to help relieve stress, and although i don’t want to be a professional singer or sculptor, i still highly benefited from those activities. they spark creativity and force you to use different parts of your brain.

money-making

i definitely consider having a job to be an extracurricular activity since it can go on your resume/ college applications/ etc. any job will help you build useful skills. if you’re in a position where you don’t need to work, i wouldn’t recommend getting a job tho, especially if you’re a student bc your time could be spent on your studies. i recommend seeking other extracurricular activities through your school instead if you have time.

[explainslowly]

Semi-random manga rec based on looking at what I rated 10/9/8 on myanimelist like a decade ago

For your benefit I am going to eschew the stuff I see discussed on tumblr all the time. Like by this point no one needs me to tell them that like, Junji Ito is good, right? Right.

The water is just fine:

Hikaru no Go - now this one used to be pretty big in fandom spaces but it was like fifteen years ago so I don't feel bad bringing it up. It's a sports shonen about a boy falling in love with Go and growing up through finding his passion in it. A classic bildungsroman type of shonen narrative but executed with finesse. Also illustrated by the same guy who drew Death Note if that sweetens the pot.

Kekkaishi - do you guys like a fun little shonen about creatures and youth with magic powers and shit? This one is simply a pleasure to read as well as well paced. I especially appreciate a somewhat strict magical/power system. Maybe it's nothing insanely special but I do feel it has been somewhat overlooked so I put it on this list.

Hourou Musuko - this one got an anime fairly recently (*checks notes* uhhh. In 2011. Nvm, kill me) so people might know it. But hey, you guys want a sweet little manga story about a teen trans girl and her gaggle of friends? Of course you do. This managaka generally writes a lot of stories about queer ppl, so feel free to check out all her work.

Ashita no Ousama - bildungsroman, but for the girlssss. It's a story about a young girl moving to the city and falling in love with theater and writing. I am simply a sucker for stories about people finding their passion and working at it.

Getting deeper:

Blame! - again, a recommendation that would sound sooooo silly like twenty years ago but Tsutomu Nihei is simply not in the public eye the way he used to be. The pleasure of this manga is to a large extent visual. But you guys do want to see a trek through a crazy technological landscape, don't you?

Bokurano - Mangaka is a known sicko and this fucked up little story about feeding children to the war machine is a good entry point. What if Evangelion was even more evil? Now you can find out.

Monster - the Naoki Urasawa story that really put him on the map. I think people say that 20th century boys is superior but why not start at the source? Psychological/mystery story especially suited for people who can set aside their reservation when the psychology gets a little dubious with it (if that's a line you don't cross, do go on and check out 20th century boys instead)

Now we are getting somewhere:

Shigurui - Anyone here looking for an awe-inspiring visual orgy of violence? Anyone?

Dainippon Tengutou Ekotoba - I am outrigh obsessed with this mangaka's visual style. The thick, bold brush lines make me craaaazy. This is as good as any entry into their work, I think - a urban fantasy story about Tengus living in the modern world.

National quiz - looking for a zany distopian sci-fi with great visuals? Look no more!! I don't remember the details of what happens in this one but I remember it being strange and interesting, so do check it out.

Soil - what if Twin Peaks was a manga? Well, it's not one to one, but this too is a story about a small town and fucked up bizarre shit happening in it. Also incredible art, in my opinion.

Shintaro Kago - making an exception here and mentioning a guy instead of a specific work. The thing about Kago is that he shines in writing bizarre short stories, so ultimately you really could start anywhere with him.

[zhaliacain]

Huntikmas day 19- Random niche hobbies the team have with no basis in canon

Dante: Extreme mountain biking

So Dante is described as an extreme sportsman in the series and we see him doing a lot of crazy stuff like skiing and intense martial arts but we've all seen those mad videos red bull put out of extreme mountain biking and you can't tell me that's not something Dante would do. Particularly in the countryside of Germany there are a lot of trails so it may have been his first venture into extreme sports and even though he may not have the time for it, nor can he drag around a bike across the globe, its still something he's very passionate about. (This is just one of Dante's many hobbies, I've got a whole list of random stuff he does because he's good at everything)

Sophie: Crochet

Crochet is just magic knotting at the best of times but I reckon Sophie is one of those people who can read a book and crochet at the same time. She says it's a mental exercise, being able to process information whilst conducting another action with her hands that also requires concentration but really she's just a wizard. Leblanche recommended it to her at first as a relaxing hobby but she got bored doing just one thing and soon watching tv or listening to podcasts whilst she was doing it become too easy so she upped the challenge to reading.

Zhalia: Website design

This is definitely her side hustle, it's the perfect balances of coding, design and human psychology. It started out with just her trying to create convincing trojan sites for the Organisation but then she found it strangely enjoyable and she found a lot more she could be doing with it.

Lok: Wood-working

Not really out there, we see Eathon Lambert making his own puzzles in the show and Lok wanted to go down the same path. Solving a puzzle is one task, being able to design and construct them for others is another thing. It started with simple wooden shapes designed to fit together but whilst perfecting his techniques its led him to carving other items like figures or a phone stand. Now not only is he getting better at making custom puzzles, he can carve intricate gifts to give to others.

Cherit: Jigsaws

We know Cherit likes puzzles, but for him jigsaw puzzles isn't about the thrill of solving something complex, its about putting together a picture little by little and the satisfaction of having created something from a messy pile. People often challenge him to complete a puzzle with the pattern side down for extra difficulty but Cherit likes to see his creations as he goes and has one of those folder books and some puzzle glue to preserve his favourite works

Den: Tik Tok

Okay not actually tie Tok but that kind of short video, vine, blogging behaviour you see going round. He's not one to show of his dancing but I can see him doing instructional videos on what he's learning at the moment. He also does those reaction videos with his usual snark and he's very happy to give his opinion on weird posts he finds.

Harrison: Pro-tag

Do not even get me started on how pro tag fits into my Huntik au universe, it's a whole thing. The benefit of pro tag is that it's a team sport without having to actually work with your team mates whilst in the arena. Harrison often gets frustrated with others so this is an ideal way for him to build his people skills, and his training skills whilst also exercising some independence and not depending on others to include him.

[solhwellness]

Mental Health of Sports Person with Disabilities | Solh Wellness

Individuals with disabilities face many societal barriers that limit their educational, employment, and social participation opportunities. Disability can result in negative perceptions and discrimination, which can lead to exclusion from community life and mental health harm. This stigma can also encourage inactivity and a sense of dependency, especially among people with physical disabilities, resulting in additional mobility restrictions on top of the effects of their disability. Sports have been shown to improve mental health and empower disabled people. 

Disabled people benefit greatly from sports. 

Sport has the potential to break down societal barriers and reduce stigma and discrimination faced by disabled people. It provides an opportunity for people with and without disabilities to interact in a positive and inclusive environment, challenging negative stereotypes about disability. Some of the advantages of sports for people with disabilities include:

Physical fitness, coordination, and motor skills can all be improved through sports.

Sports can improve self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being, especially in socially isolated disabled people.

Sports can assist people with and without disabilities in connecting socially and breaking down barriers, thereby promoting a more inclusive society.

Sporting activities allow people to improve their overall quality of life by teaching them new physical and mental skills.

Sports can aid in the development of independence, self-reliance, and self-determination in people with disabilities.

Needs of a Disabled Sportsperson

People with disabilities have special needs that must be met if they are to feel safe, included, and capable of participating in sports. Some critical needs of disabled athletes that should be considered are as follows:

Accessible facilities: Accessible facilities, such as ramps, elevators, and accessible restrooms, are essential for disabled athletes. 

Adaptive Equipment: To participate in sports, disabled athletes may require adaptive equipment such as prosthetic limbs, wheelchairs, or specialised equipment. To ensure that all athletes can participate equally, sports organisations should provide or make provisions for such equipment.

Trained Coaches and Officials: Coaches and officials who work with disabled athletes must be certified and trained. Working with disabled athletes presents unique challenges and opportunities.

Inclusive Practices: Sports organisations should promote inclusive practises to ensure that all athletes feel welcomed and valued. This includes creating anti-discrimination policies and procedures, providing equal access to facilities and equipment, and promoting diversity and inclusion in all aspects of sports.

Support Services: Transportation, personal assistance, and medical care may be required for disabled athletes to participate in sports. Sports organisations should provide or arrange for such assistance so that all athletes can participate safely and comfortably.

Sports Psychology's Role in Assisting Disabled People

Sports psychology is the study of how our thoughts and feelings affect our athletic performance. Sports psychology can help disabled athletes improve their performance, overcome obstacles, and achieve their goals. Disabled athletes can use sports psychology by following a few simple tips and strategies. They can cope with anxiety and stress by using relaxation techniques. They can gain confidence and motivation by using positive self-talk. Making a pre-performance routine can help them mentally and physically prepare. Seeking help from coaches, teammates, and sports psychologists can help you develop coping strategies and improve your performance. Finally, accepting challenges and concentrating on developing resilience, perseverance, and a growth mindset can assist disabled athletes in overcoming obstacles and succeeding.

Conclusion

Sports have been shown to improve a person's mental health significantly. When pursuing their dream of participating in sports, a person with a disability must take all necessary precautions. On today's Solh Talks episode, we had a good communication exchange with Malika Handa, a deaf Indian professional chess player and the first woman in India to win a gold medal at the International Deaf Chess Championship. She discussed her mental health journey as a para-athlete. If you are experiencing mental health issues as a result of a disability, please contact Solh Wellness. We make personalised mental wellness solutions available to everyone. Download the Solh Wellness App to improve your mental health and life.  

[gxjosbaybee]

ᯓ★. FOURTH YEARS .

Cosmic Kenzi - business major - Oliver's best friend, Cecilia's best girl-friend, many adore her (do you want to be her, or with her?), but she only has eyes for a few people (soon, two)

Sukuna Ryomen - criminology major - Yuuji's older brother, doesn't bother with romance, but has had his fair share of breaking hearts for the hell of it

Toji Zen'in - mortuary science major - "ladies' man," has slept with a few of the girls here, including Ari and Valores

ᯓ★. THIRD YEARS .

Oliver Vinedekoor - psychology major - protagonist, in love with Suguru, but is convinced that he doesn't like her back, thinking that relationships just aren't for him

Suguru Geto - psychology major - love interest, in love with Oliver, but doesn't think she likes him back because of her priorities, so he sleeps around to get his mind off of it, best friends with Satoru since elementary

Cecilia Vordeigha - law major - Oliver's older (step)sister, Cosmic and Satoru's best girl-friend, fond of Suguru

Satoru Gojo - physics major - Cecilia's best friend (with benefits), had something going on with Sukuna, no one knows what happened with them

Stitch Codd - law major - Oliver's other best friend, secretly hoping to be cupid

Ari Zahmin - chemistry major - pain in Oliver's ass (next to Satoru), has something going on with Toji but it's blurry/unclear, had something with Sukuna in the past, close with Cosmic

ᯓ★. FIRST YEARS .

Odysseus Scrumbl - history major - a close friend of Oliver's (little brother figure), pining for Megumi

Yuuji Itadori - sports major - best friends with Nobara, basically Cecilia's son, Sukuna's little brother

Nobara Kugisaki - fashion major - Yuuji's best girl-friend, therapist of the group

Megumi Fushiguro - zoology major - also Yuuji and Nobara's best friends (doesn't claim them sometimes), pining for Ody, second biggest animal lover here, basically Satoru's son

ᯓ★. EXTRAS (will be added onto) .

Vallen Vordeigha - law major (third year) - Cecilia's twin brother, Oliver's older (step) brother, Choso's beloved boyfriend, also the therapist

Valores Vinedekoor - criminology major (second year) - Oliver's younger sister, has something going on with Toji, but doesn't care as much as she probably should

[octuscle]

Hey there! I work as a therapist and a few of us were starting to think of the clinical applications of chronivac. We were wondering if you wanted to work together to develop some presets that our clients could use to de-stress and take a break from their stressful lives. I know we have one stressed out university student who could benefit from something like this.

At Chronivac, we are always interested in collaborating with research institutions. After all, Chronivac is not used just to have fun. It is already being used for the treatment of various physical illnesses and also for resocialization projects. The use in the psychotherapeutic field would be new, but sounds interesting according to the research and development department. If the student they are talking about is available as a guinea pig, perhaps send us a requirements profile for a transformation. And we'll see what we can do….

Research Diary Timothy Walker

Day One: My psychotherapist tells me that my burn-out syndrome has progressed to the point that continuing my business studies is out of the question at this point. In fact, I am having a hard time concentrating. Writing this report is causing me great difficulty; my attention span is only a few minutes. Therefore, an experimental therapy has been decided with the psychology faculty, which is connected with a semester off for me. Under certain circumstances, the semester can be counted as an internship. Everything is fine with me. I am just tired. The work on the research diary was exhausting for me. I need to lie down.

Second day: I slept very well. No wild nightmares as usual. I woke up briefly once or twice at most, but went right back to sleep. Michael, who is in charge of the project as pysiotherapist, thinks that this would be a good starting point to work on my physical fitness. We both went running for an hour. I'm exhausted, I haven't moved that much since I started studying. But I feel good. Made myself a real breakfast for the first time in months according to my new nutrition plan. I'm supposed to spend the rest of the day walking on the beach. Let's see if that clears my head.

Third day: Before Michael came for the training session, I was already in the gym for an hour. I'm really enjoying the physical activity. The beach walk yesterday was great. And Michael was thrilled to see the progress I'm making in terms of fitness. Had the first session with my creativity coach today. Seems a little silly to me. But imagining what I would be doing if I weren't studying business was fun. But I have to admit, my head isn't really getting creative yet. At least writing the diary is already much easier for me.

Day four: I need new challenges. The beach run with Mike is fun, but it's not a sport. That's warming up. We discussed that I would go running alone for an hour tomorrow and that we would meet in the gym of the therapy center. I'm supposed to come without a T-shirt. Mike wants me to learn to love my body. To be honest, I already do. I've already jerked off twice today. And think about sex a lot more than usual. Mike also comes in the process. My creative trainer is also quite cute, but he's too skinny for me. I like men who have a lot of muscle on them.

Fifth day: Fuck, the workout with Mike is awesome! I love the gym from the first minute. Yes, the beach feels my home. But the gym is the place that prepares me for that home. Working out shirtless makes the workout even more intense. i can't get enough of Mike's and my sweat beading on our pecs. But I'm so horny. All the time. During the creative training with Kev it just bubbled out of me today. I would so love to be a lifeguard. Maybe not all the time. But on vacation. And on the weekends. The idea made me even hornier. Poor Kev. He's not my type, but I had to nail him during practice. No idea when I last had sex. but this first time in a long time was incredibly intense. Thank God Kev felt the same way….

Day six: Today is uh free day at da therapy center. Mike n kev are already down at da beach, I wanted to pump up da muscles beforehand. I'm looking forward to da sea n da sand. Both make my head so free. Although I wouldn't feel like my head wuz overly full right now anyway. Pumping, fucking, jogging n swimming. That's really all I'm thinking about right now. Kevin says that I certainly wouldn't have to worry about da practical entrance exams for lifeguards. But I shouldn't underestimate da theory. Shit, studying sucks. But I guess it haz to be.

Day seven: I like it when I have da early shift. Da routine of opening da station is relaxing, da beach is still quiet, da few guests are usually relaxed n in uh gud mood. Wuz one of da best ideas of my life to take uh semester off n work as uh lifeguard. My pal mikey told me to lay off this crappy journal. Somehow I thought it wuz important until now. I can't remember why, either. Anyway. Da main thing is that da surf is gud. Den you can have some fun with da surfers afta work. Hehehehe…

[frontproofmedia]

Chiefs' Penalty Record: Exposing the Truth Behind NFL Favoritism Claims

Chiefs Penalty Analysis: Debunking the 'Special Treatment' Myth

By: Joseph Correa

In the passionate world of NFL fandom, perceptions can often overshadow reality. A persistent narrative has emerged in recent years: the Kansas City Chiefs, particularly their star quarterback Patrick Mahomes, receive preferential treatment from NFL officials. But does this claim stand up to scrutiny? Let's dive into the numbers and expert opinions to separate fact from fiction.

The Controversial No-Call

The debate reignited following a primetime game against the Atlanta Falcons, where Chiefs DB Bryan Cook appeared to commit pass interference against Falcons TE Kyle Pitts. The no-call sparked outrage among fans and reignited claims of favoritism. However, isolated incidents rarely tell the whole story.

By the Numbers

Let's take a look at the numbers. Since Mahomes took the helm in 2018, the Chiefs' penalty record paints a surprising picture:

Sixth Most Penalized Team: The Chiefs have accumulated 659 penalties, ranking them 6th in the NFL for most infractions.

Super Bowl Seasons:

2019 (SB LIV win): 18th most penalties (107)

2020 (SB LV loss): 4th most penalties (105)

2022 (SB LVII win): 87 offensive penalties

2023 (SB LVIII win): Tied for 6th most penalties (126)

Last Season: In 12 out of 17 games, the Chiefs were flagged more than their opponents, exceeding the league average.

The Mahomes Factor

Critics often point to Mahomes having the most interceptions overturned by penalties since 2018. However, context is crucial. As NFL analyst John Johnson explains, "Mahomes has attempted more passes than any other quarterback in that timeframe. It's a volume stat that doesn't necessarily indicate favoritism."

Expert Opinions

Dr. Sarah Thompson, a sports psychology professor at the University of Kansas, offers insight into the perception of favoritism: "Fans tend to remember controversial calls that benefit star players more vividly. This 'availability bias' can lead to a skewed perception of preferential treatment, even when the data suggests otherwise."

Former NFL referee Mike Davis adds, "In my experience, top players might get the benefit of the doubt in borderline situations, but that's true across all sports. It doesn't explain away the Chiefs' success or their penalty numbers."

The Chiefs' Perspective

In a recent press conference, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid addressed the controversy: "We focus on playing within the rules. Penalties are part of the game, and we've had our fair share. Our success comes from hard work and execution, not from any special treatment."

Conclusion

While the debate over officiating in the NFL is unlikely to subside, the numbers tell a compelling story. The Chiefs' penalty record suggests they're far from immune to flags, and their success under Mahomes appears to be a product of exceptional talent and coaching rather than favorable officiating.

As fans, it's natural to scrutinize every call, but looking at the bigger picture is equally important. The Chiefs' journey to the top of the NFL has been paved with penalties, challenges, and hard-fought victories – a testament to their resilience and skill in a league where nothing comes easy.

Featured Photo: Kevin Sabitus/Getty Images

[daphnedauphinoise]

On the topic of exercise...

I think it is imperative that one should do at least one social exercise/sport class. The psychological and physiological benefits cannot be over stated here. It is really really great for you to be around people, get moving and build a community through sports and exercise. A lot of problems arise as a consequence of social isolation so it is very important make sure that, that part of your brain is being kept happy.

Join a uni/college society, join a class at your gym or sports centre, just do something

[yeahthatwouldbedark]

Yen per second

tropes: death trope, friends to lovers, rivals to lovers, bully romance bestie, college au, friends with benefits I guess, Oikawa and reader have known each other since childhood.

trigger warnings (for the entire series): child abuse, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, depression, child neglect, terminal illness at some point, broken home, mental breakdowns, panic attacks, anxiety, death, injuries (Oikawa’s bad knee for example), substance abuse.

Chapter 7

11k words

January 17th

It’s such a cold day that it’s a wonder there are humans around with their limbs still functioning. A week has passed since the people of Tokyo last saw a sunray spear through the grey clouds. You could argue that at least there is snow pelted on the earth, a child’s dream come true, but even that isn’t enough to rid people of the desire to rush inside cafes where the promise of warmth and a cup of coffee is sure to be kept.

That’s the good thing about days like this. Tables are occupied which means more money for the cafes. There’s also the part about not being able to hear yourself think or your partner talk seeing as there is not a table at which a conversation isn’t being had. The world is alive with whispers, laughter, sighs, shoes clacking, fingers tapping, and the aroma of coffee.

It's been 17 days since they struck the deal. A week ago, Tooru helped her move into her apartment in the same building where Rin lives. Every day, he waits for her at the University’s front gate and when they’re both finished with work and volleyball training, he accompanies her back to her apartment. It takes some time to get used to him getting her hot cocoa with extra sugar (and a caramel mocha latte for himself) or him helping calm her nerves when she’s thrust into a discussion during class by rubbing soothing circles on the back of her hand with his thumb.

It’s honestly nerve-wracking. Almost overwhelming. Once or twice, she’s had to flee from him and to the nearest restroom. When she returns, he’s always there, waiting for her with a smile. She always feels anxious, entranced, and flustered when she sees him smile. It’s frustrating.

Yet, here they sit at a café after he suggested she change her study setting once in a while.

“So,” Tooru begins, eyes roving over Y/n’s face, which is presently buried in her ‘Social Psychology’ textbook, “There’s this gathering with volleyball players that I’ve been invited to.”

Her gaze barely flits upward before it’s back on the page, “That’s nice. Which teams are attending?”

Encouraged by her polite interest in the topic, Tooru smiles and puts the book aside, ready to enumerate.

“EJP Raijin. MSBY Black Jackals. Tachibana Red Falcons.” He counts on his fingers, “A bunch of other teams. And us, of course, The Tokyo Black Jaguars.”

He takes a sip of his coffee before continuing, in hopes that it will steel his resolve against the debilitating fear of rejection.

“And I was hoping you’d come with me.” He pops the proposal.

This time, Y/n’s eyes are alight with something akin to surprise and confusion. Hesitation is apparent in the way her fingers toy with the corner of the page she was reading prior to looking up.

She looks away and supports her head on her left palm. “I don’t think I should.”

Tooru’s face falls. Before he can wallow in self-pity, he takes the time to study her expression, concealed behind a curtain of dark hair though it may be. She’s not as focused as she was before he brought up the topic of the gathering. Unable to concentrate, her eyes flit from the top of the page to the bottom and her face now sports a barely perceptible frown. She’s frustrated at herself for not managing to get it together.

“If this is about you being scared that I’ll do something,” Tooru assures, absentmindedly tracing the curve of the cup’s handle. “I promise I won’t.”

“It’s not about that,” Y/n says at once. Realizing the speed at which she delivered the response, she looks up, almost startled. Looking anywhere but at him, she elaborates a little further, “Rin is in EJP Raijin. And he’s mad at me.”

Tooru’s eyes are as wide as saucers. “Suna? Mad at you? I find that hard to believe.”

“Well, I managed to piss him off.” She shrugs and brings her cup to her lips. “As is my habit.”

Tooru wants, more than anything at this moment, to help her understand that nothing about her warrants mistreatment. When he looks back on how things used to be, he can’t think of a single moment at which his personal issues didn’t distort his perception of her. For years, his image of her had been painfully unfair. For years, his fractured perception of himself had gotten in the way of them being there for each other.

He makes an effort to smile. “There’s another reason, isn’t there?”

Y/n can tell there’s some cream on her lips as she puts down her cup. It makes heat rise to her cheeks as she licks it off. Normally, she’d be glad of the warmth if it weren’t for the fact that she doesn’t want to be ‘gross’ in his eyes. Not when they’re trying to be friends for the first time.

“Are you sure you want to go with me?” She tries to ask without betraying a hint of nervousness.

“I’ve been rehearsing how to ask you since I received the invitation.” His lips spread in a grin. “So, yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

“And you won’t be ashamed to have me by your side?”

“Honestly,” Tooru croons, leaning forward on his elbows, “I’d be upset if you weren’t there.”  

For the first time since they met again, she feels like laughing. Truly laughing. It sounds downright absurd to hear him say that her absence would spoil his mood. All she allows herself is a small, close-lipped smile.

“Is there a dress code? Or theme?”

“Yes, it’s formal.” He affirms, nodding, “And I’d love to help you assemble your outfit.”

She doesn’t take him seriously. “Okay, Oikawa.”

Without him realizing it, Tooru’s lips morph into a pout.

“Ugh,” He groans, “When are you gonna get used to being on a first-name basis with me?”

“Sorry, force of habit.” She answers honestly. “So, when’s the gathering?”

At that, Tooru perks up like a toddler being told that the most recent Barbie doll is now available at the nearest store. Hope is alight within him.

“This Saturday at 6 PM.” He says, “I’ll pick you up at 5:30 since it’s almost a 40-minute drive to the destination.”

“You wanna be fashionably late so bad.” Y/n rolls her eyes.

Placing a hand on his chest, he acts offended, “And what’s wrong with that?”

“Are you not embarrassed?”

Tooru pretends to inspect his nails.

“I’ve done worse things.” He says nonchalantly.

“Yeah, you once forgot to delete the porn from your flash drive-

He snaps up his head and raises an eyebrow. “That presentation was iconic I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Then you started panicking after accidentally clicking on it.”

“It was adorable.”

“You literally had mating press in there.”

Tooru’s brain stops working for a second. “I thought nobody caught on.”

“Well, they didn’t because they were slow readers.” She says, tugging down the sleeves of the sweater under her desert brown coat. “Their English was awful. And you did some damage control pretty quickly.”

He shuts his eyes and an air of unfathomable flamboyance possesses him as he rubs at his temple in feigned agony.

“God, I was so iconic for that.” He recalls fondly.

Again, Y/n has to make a significant effort to suppress the mirth that fights to escape her chest. Maybe she should let loose, feel the laughter vibrate within and all around her. She only laughs when she’s drunk, and the memory is something her mind spurns. Her joy likes to collect dust, that of home, classrooms, parties, gatherings, and so on. It hoards the dust, concealing itself in its particles. It would take a typhoon to blow away the dirt.

Across from her, Tooru’s watchful gaze roams every part of her it can reach. Her complexion has always been pallid, bordering on sickly, but sometimes it takes on the rosy hues of cherry blossoms. On certain occasions, when he wasn’t being utterly vicious toward her or when Mattsun would wrap his volleyball blazer around her shoulders, her cheeks would bloom.

Her hair, far from ashen, stood in stark contrast with the majority of her features. It was a dark shade of brown and straight while her lips were pink and heart-shaped. Her cheeks, unlike her body, still carried some of the plumpness of childhood, with some semblance of a jawline to provide some polarity. She reminded him of the liminal space between winter and spring.

Y/n catches him staring, the corner of his lips angled upwards and his head tilted.

“What?” She asks.

“Nothing,” He answers, “Was just wondering what color would look gorgeous on you.”

When he doesn’t elaborate immediately, she shoots him an expectant look, “Well, which one is it?”

“Hmmm, black for sure. Emerald and forest green. Sapphire or midnight blue.” He pauses, picturing her in the entire spectrum. “Red. Maroon, garnet, and wine red specifically.”

“Well… damn.”

His eyebrows shoot up. “You disagree?”

“No, I just don’t have dresses in those colors.” She confesses, scratching the lip of the table. “My formal outfits are more on the preppy, academic style. I just never imagined I’d get to attend any formal gatherings so I didn’t bother with the dresses.”

Tooru wants to point out the ridiculousness of it all. Being the best student in their year means that she’s bound to receive offers and be invited to gatherings in the near future. But maybe that’s it. Maybe she believes that, just like in high school, her achievements will be downplayed in favor of someone else’s charisma, popularity, or wealth. That she will only be given crumbs of the recognition she deserves.

Not under Tooru’s watch.

He grins so stupidly that he can sense the wariness in her posture.

“You know what this means?” He asks, leaning forward once again.

“What?”

“Guess.”

“Why are you so excited all of a sudden?”

His leg won’t stop bouncing in anticipation. “C’mon guess!”

“Jesus, Tooru I don’t know.” Y/n sighs, exasperated.  

“I,” He declares, threading the fingers of her left hand, which have been chipping away at the edge of the table for the past few minutes, with those of his right one. “Get to take you shopping. And no, you may not refuse this offer. Thus, it has been decreed by moi that we shall promenade about the mall on Friday.”

She’s so startled by the boldness of his proposal slash decision that she can only stare in shock. Tooru has offered to take her shopping or eat out before⸺ the day after Chiharu and she brought him up to their apartment, drunk off his ass, the festivals during which his mom would entreat him to keep her company, and only once before… when he got his pride so severely wounded by a girl that he just had to show her what she was missing.

In retrospect, these moments were somewhat nostalgic, and bittersweet, with heartache and lessons built into them like steel in the foundations of a building. She couldn’t just shake off every past experience, as uncomfortable as it made her to relive them in her flesh. She couldn’t be rid of the thought that, if she took him up on the offer, she would essentially be indebted to him. This changed everything.

“Any thoughts you’re having about paying me back,” he says softly. His brown eyes are warm and inviting. “Silence them.”

She nods silently and flips open the book. Their fingers remain threaded.

The popsicle all but melts down to the heel of Tooru’s palm as he stands with his back to the open window in his bedroom. It’s the peak of summer heat and there is little to no wind to ruffle the curtains, which makes any activity a pain in the ass. That’s why the four of them are here; gathered in his room instead of sweating the hours away. Iwa, Maki, and Mattsun are seated on the floor where it is cool, the fan not far to Maki’s left. They’d be afraid of catching a cold if it weren’t for their hatred of the heat, a sentiment shared by Tooru. There’s only one annoying, prickly problem.

“Where does she even go every summer break?” He voices out the question that has been gnawing at him for the past two weeks.

Maki looks up at him. “Y/n?”

The mere mention of her name has him cringing.

“The fuck you talking about?” Says Iwaizumi, throwing down two cards, the sight of which makes Maki groan. “You know she goes to her aunt’s house in Tokyo.”

Tooru frowns briefly before it turns into a teasing smirk. “How come you know so much about her, Iwa?”

“Just because you don’t want her around,” Iwaizumi states, “Doesn’t mean others don’t either.”

That makes him want to roll his eyes, but his eyes seem dead set on staring at the floor. Suddenly, the creamy tiles are the most interesting thing that ever existed. Maybe if he stares at it long enough, he’ll think about something other than the fact that the room sharing a wall with his has been empty for exactly 14 days. That’s a hard ‘maybe’, as I well know.

“Woohoo,” Whistles Maki, his grin a stark contrast to the frustrated groan from before. “Our Tooru misses Y/n? Look at him frowning.”

Mattsun follows up with, “Oop, he’s glaring now. So scary.” 

“Motherfcuker probably just misses making fun of her.” Iwaizumi joins in, focusing on the cards for the most part. “Your turn.”

What Maki says next as he plucks two cards from his spread stuns Tooru. It sews his mouth shut, barbed wire woven into his lips, and the words tug on it like enraged prisoners within a cell.

“To be honest some of the things he does could be considered criminal offenses.”

Fingers curling under the windowsill, he fights to select the right words. And fails.

“Like I’ve done anything serious.” Tooru mumbles, “You guys are mean.”

It’s quiet for exactly 37 seconds, with the exception of the fan working its magic and the boy’s muttering, before Iwaizumi decides to bring up the topic of her again, much to his Captain’s chagrin.

“She has a boyfriend last I heard.” He says ever so nonchalantly.

But Tooru has never, and I mean never, wanted to pummel Iwaizumi into the dirt as much as he does at this very moment. He wants to grab Iwaizumi by the hair and drag him down the stairs and then across the concrete until he’s nothing but a pathetic version of his handsome self. Because, no matter how much he tries to convince himself that the words just spoken are but a figment of his imagination, the incredulous looks on Maki’s and Mattsun’s faces force him to confront this disillusioning reality.

“What?!” the two boys bark out in unison.

“Why the surprised faces, you bastards? She’s a cute girl and extremely smart.” Iwaizumi says, frowning, “Never met anyone so intelligent before if I’m being honest.”

Maki nods, sighing. “Whenever she speaks, I feel so fucking dumb. Still like hearing her talk though.”

“Yeah,” Mattsun says, almost as if he’s daydreaming as he abandons his spread to lie down on the floor. “She has really pretty lips.”

“Which lips?” Snickers Maki.

Mattsun side-eyes him and Iwaizumi kicks him in the shin.

“Don’t be a pervert man.” He chides. “She’s our friend.”

“C’mon, you know I didn’t mean it,” Maki grumbles, rubbing the sore spot. “Who even is this guy, anyway? Did she tell you?”

“Beats me.” Iwaizumi shrugs. “I just complained about being stressed out and she started talking about aesthetics and psychology and how she and this guy send each other moodboards. Making them helps them to relax apparently. Sharing them is good too because you get to talk to the other person about the meanings.” Tooru can almost feel his best friend’s gaze on him as he continues, “Didn’t mention the guy’s name though.”

If she had told him, would his best friend tell him anything or would he keep it a secret in fear of Tooru jeopardizing the one good thing that’s happened to her in a long while? Was that why she hadn’t told him the guy’s name? So that Tooru would have no way of knowing? Why did he want to know? Why was there this gnawing need to know everything about her, this urge that only serves to reduce his conscience to nothing? He doesn’t feel in control. It’s all hurtling down a downward slope at full speed.

“He could be just a friend.” Mattsun points out.

Iwaizumi doesn’t appreciate it in the least when people simply assume the worst of Y/n. To him, from the moment they met on the playground as kids, she’s been the sweetest; quiet but assertive when it counted and willing to help if help was sought. Her appearance is naturally fragile, delicate, and sometimes unhealthy looking to the point where he has to watch her eat in order to be able to sleep at night.

Then there’s always her quiet admiration of Tooru and his blatant disregard for her feelings. Voice full of mockery. His touch always a tad too rough. His obsessive need to be near her followed by his repulsion at the proximity. The constant verbal harassment (and sometimes physical) that those mindless sheep at school put her through just because his best friend decided years ago that she would be the recipient of his pain.

It’s about time she met someone who would cling to her words and be in awe of her. It’s about time Tooru stopped being the undeserving recipient of what she wanted to give.

“Why is it so fucking hard for you fuckers to believe that someone could like her.” He grits out.

“Not that. It’s just…” Mattsun shoots a meaningful glance at Tooru, which the boy doesn’t catch as he’s far too preoccupied with the way the underside of the sill feels against his fingertips. “You know.”

Tooru, who has tuned out everything after learning that Iwaizumi doesn’t know the guy’s name, feels anger bubble in his chest. A frothing, mordant thing.

“That’s nonsense.” He bites out.

The three boys regard him with expressions that vary just the slightest from one another. Iwaizumi’s frown of displeasure says enough about how he feels about Tooru’s unsolicited input, despite the conversation taking place in his bedroom. Maki remains unfazed, having gotten used to his Captain’s antics whenever Y/n was concerned. As for Mattsun, he looked equally curious and confused.

“No one could ever like her.” Tooru’s throat feels tight yet his voice comes out as grave. “She’s odd and short and weak and a social reject.”

Nails scraping under the sill, he resumes his tirade.

“She’s so fucking annoying with her silence and even more annoying with her rambling. She’s so fucking useless and worthless but thinks she’s above everyone else.” His gaze bores holes into the floor. “I wish she would just leave once and for all. Maybe I’d find peace.”

A few seconds later, Maki scoffs, “No, you wouldn’t.”

Tooru can’t stand to look him in the eye but resolves that he must if he is to show that he’s convinced of the things he’s just spouted. The game is over, having long been abandoned in favor of the latest gossip.

“She’s not even here, and look at you.” Iwaizumi gestures to him, eyes roving all over Tooru’s body, “All worked up. Spouting hatred for her. Acting like a little bitch desperate for attention.”

It takes everything in him not to stomp his foot like a toddler at a convenience store who has just been denied his favorite candy.

“You guys,” He cries out, internally begging them to see where he’s coming from, even if Tooru himself doesn’t, “She’s the one who wants to take everything away from me! She’s the one who’s desperate. She-  

“Look man,” Mattsun says, supporting his weight on his elbows, “You may have convinced the rest to be assholes to her. And we may not be able to stop them all. But don’t try to do the same with us.”

It’s true. It’s wasted effort to try and make them see her through the same distortive lenses that settle over his eyes when in her presence. They will never understand the feeling of perceiving every little thing she does as an attack on his pride. Every smile is an attempt to steal something that rightfully belongs to him. Every word is her trying to worm her way into his life, coating every thought with her essence, and threading her presence in the little things that were his alone until his heart rate accelerates.

He’s always trying to accomplish things at a faster rate when it comes to running from or toward her, appearing godly or hellish when he knows her eyes are set on him. He’s never at peace. He’s not sure he knows what that is.

“Whatever.” He says evenly and crashes on his bed.

Not a minute later, Mattsun whispers, “What does he have against short girls?”

“Not against.” Maki snorts. “Just ‘in’.”

Tooru hurls a pillow at his head.

“Y/n-chan!”

Ayame’s voice can be startling thing sometimes. Like finding an open bag of candy on the countertop; surprising but welcome.

“You sound happy.” Said Y/n with a smile, hoping it didn’t show in her speech.

She could hear rustling on the other end. Probably Haru rummaging through plastic bags.

Ayame got straight to the point, as she always did whenever overcome with excitement.

“Haru-chan said I can help with the organization of the exhibition.”

“Really?” Y/n wished Ayame’s enthusiasm would rub off on her. She wished she could let it happen. “That’s good. We’ll have to set like a time for our meetings.” Tapping the pencil on the open notebook, she looked at the calendar on the computer. “Is Wednesday and Thursday fine with you? I know you’d rather go out with Kuroo on the weekends than do this.”

She could practically see Ayame do that pronounced shake of her head.

“That’s fine.” The girl said. “Should we do it at your place or ours?”

“Mine is fine. You can spend the night here when we’re done.”

For a moment, Y/n thinks the line has gone dead or that Ayame has hung up after relaying the message. But if that is so, why can she still pick up on the girl’s breathing? The sniffle that trickles through the device; how can emotions pass through something that had died?

“Y/n-chan.” Ayame speaks her name, and it startles her.

Y/n hums, the pencil going still. “Hmm.”

And with that, comes the deluge… the apology.

“I’m sorry.” Her friend says, and for a moment Y/n cannot put her finger on what the apology refers to or tell if it is true. Still, the girl on the other end continues. “I’m sorry for what I said that night. I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t. I was angry but I didn’t mean it.”

It is a deluge. Y/n does not know which of them is drowning. But she can picture Ayame, right there, crying as she poured her heart out. She can see herself, submerged, with only the following words bubbling up to the surface.

“It’s okay.” She sounds firm, even, all the things she’s been forced to realize that she’s not.

More sniffling on the other end, and then a feeble, “Really?”

“Really.” But is it the truth of what she feels? Y/n isn’t ready to face that, to feel it, and the pencil grows heavier between her fingers. “I forgot to mention. We can’t meet up tomorrow. I’m… attending this event with Oikawa so I won’t be home until midnight. If not later.”

That’s when Chiharu gets closer, so close even, that the phone call is sticky with the sound of her chewing. “Wait. Tooru invited you?”

Y/n nods and little stars begin to take shape on the margins of her notebook. “Yeah, today.”

More chewing. “You guys are basically buddies now, huh.”

“We’re taking the same classes and presented a project together.” She pretends that it’s nothing, that speaking of him isn’t like dragging a heavy suitcase while all she can hear is the screeching of its broken, missing heels. “Also, he’s your cousin and hangs out with us on the regular. More often than I do, that’s for sure.”

“That’s because you won’t get your nose out of those fucking books for one second!”

Meeting her barking tit for tat, Y/n mutters, “And I’ll keep doing just that.”

“Please, Y/n we need love!” Here come Haru’s theatrics, making her smile. “Why are you starving us?”

“Kuroo copycat.” Her wrist keeps moving and the stars come alive with color.

The chewing stops. “I’m going to block you.”

Y/n shrugs even though they can’t see her. “Wouldn’t you hate that more than me?”

“Oh, fuck you!” The girl on the other end cusses out, laughing and choking at the same time. “You’re right.”

January 19th

Tooru is thinking of her while the fury of winter bangs against his bedroom windows, howling for entry. He is thinking of her pulling down the sleeves of her sweater, the expanse of her neck hidden under that thick blue scarf, the supple flesh of her palms, and the purple hue that took over as his gaze traveled up to her fingertips. He is thinking of the stealthy yet sincere smiles, their existence further dimmed by the shade of a tree, the haze of a rainstorm, or the brightness of a summer day.

Tooru is in his sleepwear, a pitcher of water and bottle of pills on the nightstand to soothe the migraine that overran his wish to stay up until late just an hour after the two of them parted ways. Tooru is just about to swallow another when he hears the notification sound. The number is not one he recognizes, and he would have blocked the person on the other side if it weren’t for that very first message.

Unknown number: Tooru-nii

It has him getting into a sitting position with such haste that the phone almost slips from his shaky hold.

His little half-sister, Shigeko, already has his number and she messages him whenever she wants or can. Tooru’s responses are far and few between but… he’s playing his part. The point is that her number has long since been added to his contacts. There is only one other person who refers to him as an older brother.

Unknown number: It’s me, Isaac.

Heartbeats grind to a halt.

Unknown number: How are you?

Each text sends another shot of anxiety coursing through his veins. It is worse than the spike of adrenaline he gets when he feels that he might not be able to reach the ball, yet still reaches for it in some way or another. Right now, he doesn’t fight or flee. Tooru is frozen on the spot.

Still, swallowing the jagged stone of fear, he manages to type the following.

You: Hey, buddy! I’m good :D. How are you?

You: What have you been up to lately?

Not even five seconds later, he receives a response from the boy.

Unknown number: Tooru-nii!!!

Unknown number: It really is you! I wasn’t sure if I got the right number!

Tooru can almost hear Isaac vibrating with excitement. Or perhaps… it is a sigh of relief.

Unknown number: Nothing :) (replying to “What have you been up to lately?”)

Unknown number: I’m studying for exams so I’m really tired

Before Tooru can attempt to ask him about his social life, maybe about a girlfriend if he has one, or how his parents are faring, the boy says the one thing he was hoping he wouldn’t.

Unknown number: but I really need to ask you something

Despite knowing where it will inevitably lead, Tooru tries to act normal. He can barely get his hands to stop shaking before he types in the one-word response.

You: Shoot!

Hours later, he will think about what he could have done to derail the conversation. He will drink himself until he is but a heap of muscle and bone and his sheets are damp with his snot, sweat, and tears. But now he can only sit here, feeling the vibrations of his phone as the texts surge in.

One after another. Desperate. Pleading. Oikawa is not ignorant of the trickle of shame within him.

Unknown number: do you know where nee-chan is?

Unknown number: no one knows

Unknown number: no one

Unknown number: she just left

Unknown number: and she didn’t say goodbye

Unknown number: I didn’t say goodbye

Unknown number: but no one talks about her. It’s like no one cares and I can’t do anything

Unknown number: I just thought maybe you did

Tooru can feel his eyes warm up. The sting of tears is an all-too-familiar sensation by now, as is the clogging of his throat.

I just thought maybe you did. Tooru doesn’t have the time to ponder why that is. His hands are trembling and he’s holding the wrist of his right hand in place as he types so it won’t slip from his sweaty grip. It still does. The device remains on the bed for a moment, and Tooru stares down at it, chest heaving.

Then he plucks up the nerve to type a response that is both truthful and… disappointing.

You: Isaac

You: I know where she is

He considers divulging the details of her address, putting the young boy out of his misery, but then he tries to remember the last time she spoke of her family- truly spoke that is. Since their reunion, rare have been the occurrences when she’d let some childhood memory involving her family slip past her lips. Even then, it was mostly hushed, unintelligible, broken phrases, chopped bits she bit into and chewed; a process of regurgitation. He wonders if her tongue aches, if the words wear away at her throat.

She will perceive Tooru informing Isaac of her whereabouts as a confirmation that he hasn’t changed, that he is still that boy who would humiliate her or sit back and watch as others picked up his slack.

You: but I can’t tell you, buddy

He hesitates before typing a second message.

You: she doesn’t want to see anyone from back home

The message is clear, concise. It doesn’t divulge her whereabouts, only her boundaries. Tooru cannot imagine it stings any less.

Unknown number: Tooru-nii

Unknown number: nee-chan is in Tokyo?

Panic grips him by the throat. He can only let out a choked sound as he scrambles to kneel on the bed. Was it something he said? Did he overlook some small yet significant detail in his message?

One shaking hand holds up his phone as he types frantically. The other clutches the blanket for dear life.

You: Isaac please don’t look for her

He waits. He waits for the “typing” to cease and for a message to appear, conveying the boys understanding of the situation. Minutes pass, and Tooru waits.

When it becomes clear that his plea will receive no response, he sinks his teeth into his trembling lower lip, biting down until he tastes blood. The phone makes no sound as it slips his loose grip and the hand, now empty, finds purchase in the blankets alongside the other. He heaves and chokes as curses slip through his parted lips.

Suddenly, his every need, objective, urge, and base instinct converge to set a scene before him. He sees himself in this play. In this wretched, foul play. To become one with it, Tooru runs out of the bedroom and into the moonlit expanse of the living room and opens the first bottle he can find. The glass is cold. On its way down, the liquor does not burn.

Rin is on his second joint, eyes fixated on the movie playing on the TV⸺ the story of a young man and woman who are obviously in love and clearly never meant to be seeing how he never even invited her to prom⸺ when Atsumu turns to him and gives him the same look as the night he stormed home with a storm in his eyes (as he’d called it) and slammed his bedroom door with such force the hinges rattled in the otherwise silent apartment.

“You look down.”

Rin answered with the same old, “It’s nothing.”

Atsumu has let him be for the past few weeks. Whenever he asks, Rin answers to the worst of his abilities, and so he drops the subject. Not tonight, apparently.

“Why don’t you talk to me, bro?” His friend asks, and Rin feels him shift on the sofa.

He can feel those brown eyes of his pinned to his profile, brows scrunched in worry. It is a tentative kind of worry, the kind that has you feeling guilty for being unforthcoming and vague in your responses even if it’s not to burden the same person who worries for you.

Rin does not move to face.

“New Year’s Eve.” He releases a puff of smoke. “Y/n and I kissed. And then something happened so I left.”

From the corner of his eye, he sees Atsumu’s eyes widening. Maybe he’s excited for Rin but knows better than to show it considering the kiss… apparently didn’t lead to a happy ending.

“What happened exactly?” His friend asks instead.

Rin shrugs and for a moment he wants to drop the blunt on his lap and watch the tip burn into the fabric.

“One thing led to another and it ended up with my tongue in her mouth, touching her while she described how I flirt with the people I end up fucking.” His throat constricts a little at the end. “She said that I don’t disappear with her the way that I do with them because I don’t see her that way.”

To his credit, Atsumu doesn’t speak. He lets silence and all that preceded it settle like dust on furniture. Rin rubs his finger on the arm of the sofa, picking at the fabric.

“I’m sorry man.” His friend says, uncharacteristically hesitant. “She probably-  

“Why does she always feel the need to dictate how others feel about her?” It comes out of him unbidden. The words had fermented in his saliva for weeks and now they were good enough to spit out. “Why does she always assume she’s forgotten?”

Rin sort of hopes Atsumu can’t see the way he has to swallow before picking up where he left off. He hopes the dim, grey glow of the screen isn’t enough to strip him naked.

“It upset me so I left and when I went back looking for her… she wasn’t there.” Another couple in the bed where he’d kissed her and the sweet scent that lingered faintly on the silken bedsheets; apparated before his eyes with every word. “She wasn’t at the party at all.”

Atsumu looks at the TV, but Rin knows it’s him he’s watching, not the girl… Marianne is her name.

“So, you think she’s mad?”

“Maybe.” Answers Rin. The blunt in his hand gets smaller by the second. “Not sure about ‘mad’. But she’s confused and upset for sure.” Maybe guilty, he thought. “And I don’t know how to approach her without sounding like a douche.”

“Well, fuck.” “I mean my girl and I; we argue sometimes. It’s mostly my fault cuz I can get really annoying-

“Color me surprised.”

“I’m trying to be cool and supportive here!” That provokes a chuckle out of Rin which, in turn, makes Atsumu smile. “You know I’ve always been a player. I always thought I wanted someone or something but changed my mind once I got what I wanted. It’s the reason she didn’t really want me in her life at first.” The smile grows and it looks genuine. Rin has only ever seen it when he speaks of his brother or in the showers after a victory. “But I’m trying to be good for her. It’s a nice change of pace.”

Then, Atsumu pats his shoulder in encouragement, giving him a crooked smile as a treat.

“If you’re sorry for leaving, then just apologize.” Rin side-eyes him. Atsumu has never been one for apologies, unless you count the insincere, forced, and petty strings of words that he insists are good enough to express regret. “I’m serious, dude. Even if she doesn’t forgive you, which I doubt, then at least you’ll know she’s no longer wondering what she did wrong.”

That’s the thing, though. Atsumu doesn’t know her as well as Rin does if the latter ever knew her at all. He has counted the stars on his ceiling until they fell asleep, cuddled next to each other, splashed her with seawater, felt her arms around his waist… and she feels no more familiar than a ghost that haunts his dreams.

Still, he sighs out the smoke, stumps the blunt into the tray, and concedes, “Alright. I’ll try.”

“You won’t have to try too hard. She just moved in next door.”

His neck hurts from how fast he snapped it in Atsumu’s direction. For a moment, he is certain a wintry chill has infiltrated their apartment. Rin feels it beneath his clothes.

“Stop shitting me,” Rin bites out in disbelief.

Atsumu must not be feeling the cold because he grunts out. “I’m not shitting you, dude. She lives three doors down.”

January 21st

It’s raining when Tooru comes to pick her up. He’s cladded in a black turtleneck, dark jeans, and a grey coat that reaches a few inches above his ankles. His hair is a bit damp from the few minutes he spent crossing the distance from his car to the entrance of the apartment building. How he was able to find parking in such unforgiving weather, is a miracle, but Y/n isn’t complaining. Neither is her roommate, Livia, who announced his arrival with a shout and barged into her bedroom demanding Y/n spill everything she knew about the scrumptious young man currently sitting on their living room couch. Y/n told her his name, which she’d learned by then, that he was her classmate at the University, and that she was to accompany him to an event tomorrow. Livia had let out a dreamy sigh, grabbed her by the shoulders, and told her to make the night count.

Y/n herself shoves on a black turtleneck, a checkered beige skirt with black tights underneath, black boots, a beige coat, and the midnight blue scarf to top it all off. The last item doesn’t match the rest of the outfit, which she’s well aware of, but it’s so smooth and warm that she can’t bear to part with it.

Tooru greets her with a beaming smile and they head out after bidding Livia goodbye.

“Is there a brand you like?” He asks after turning the key and the engine roars to life. “So that we can narrow down our options.”

Y/n bites her inner cheek, trying to come up with an answer that’s not entirely embarrassing. One glance at him out of the corner of her eye and she can tell he’s waiting for an answer.

“I mean, it’s not like I know much to begin with. I mostly thrift.” She answers truthfully. “But from what I’ve seen on Pinterest… Dior and Chanel, I suppose. The 90’s vibe. And Elie Saab.”

Tooru hums, picturing her in dresses from each brand, then smiles. “Elie Saab it is.”

Then, because an awkward silence has taken over, one that Y/n finds as uncomfortable as a pair of too-tight shoes, she decides to continue the conversation as he rounds the corner that leads out to the main street.

“I know their work from Pinterest,” She says, “But you must have seen it up close and personal.”

Tooru chuckles.

“Well, yes.” He admits, glancing at her only briefly. “For all his absence, my dad has never failed to pay child support for both my older sister and me. So, we’ve always been loaded and spending money left and right.”

Y/n huffs and faces the window. “Rich people behavior.”

“Can’t argue with that.” His laughter fills the car, and it’s suddenly a little warmer. “Growing up, our mom would try to make us see the value in the small things. Like saving up and sharing. And she did succeed with one of us. Sayako-nee grew up to be generous, kind, understanding, and caring. The only person she is nothing like this with is our father, which is understandable.” There’s a pause and Y/n thinks he’s finished talking so she turns to look at him. His grip on the steering wheel, as he stares ahead, could shatter bones. “And I’m me. Always hoarding whatever I’m given, relentless in my greed, with corrosive envy and ravenous pride. Always spending because I know my future is set in stone, for better or for worse.”

Y/n doesn’t know how to respond to that. She’s not sure whether she’s supposed to say anything at all. He looks a little lost like her presence in the seat beside him barely registers in the fog of his mind. If her intuition doesn’t deceive her, Tooru looks torn and indescribably lonely.

The wet strand of hair that he tucked behind his ear when she came out of her bedroom has dried and taken the shape of a wave. She’d always wanted to ask him if that was his natural hair pattern. Had never dared to. Well, now she knew the answer.

The rest of the car ride is spent in silence even though Tooru knows he could fill it with small talk or his usual teasing, but the energy for that is nowhere to be found. Certainly not within him. He wishes she would strike up a conversation, any conversation, just so he could hear her speak. She has such a whimsical voice after all, like that of an old soul with millennia worth of stories to tell. He wonders how her singing voice would sound. Breathy? Eerie? Remote? Would he ever know?

But after 30 minutes of driving and an additional 10 minutes of trying to find a parking spot in this godforsaken weather, Tooru decides he’s had enough of the unyielding silence. No more. 

“We’re here.” He announces, unbuckling his seatbelt.

Unlike him, Y/n remembered to bring an umbrella, which meant that he would be the one holding the black thing above their heads as they practically ran toward the high-end store two blocks south. Her hand is in his, and he has to stop himself from bringing it to his lips so he can kiss each finger. It’s such a silly thing to wish for while they’re trying to get away from the merciless downpour. But he just can’t help it.

Once they walk through the glass doors of the boutique, they can breathe properly without the fear of catching a cold. The employees greet them- greet him, to be exact. Either he is a regular or it’s obvious how much wealthier than her she is. Either way, they’re kind and helpful as they answer his questions and lead them toward the section with the garments that best fit his description.

Y/n is so distracted by the rich fabrics and bewitching designs that she barely catches what Tooru is saying. He’s standing to her right with what appears to be three dresses hanging from his arm.

“Here,” he says, smiling as he takes her by the elbow and toward one of the changing booths. He hands her the dresses. “Try these on, pretty.”

Tooru takes a seat on the couch and beams at her as she slides the curtain of the changing room to cover her from view. To remark that the dresses are beautiful feels like an understatement. They’re so exquisitely tailored that the design almost seems to come alive; the midnight sky, a silky bed of emeralds, and rubies melting against the balls of her feet. They must cost a fortune.

She takes off her clothes and tries on the emerald green dress first. The material slides down her body with ease, and Y/n finds herself wondering how it is that Oikawa knows her size with such accuracy. Could he tell with just one look or had he perhaps asked his cousin, Chiharu? Either way, it clung to her meager curves just right, even adding them where there were none; the exquisitely cinched waist and the puffed chest area.

“So,” She began after sliding the curtain to the side, “What do you think?”

Tooru can only try to swallow his gasp at the sight of her. His first instinct is to abandon the comfort of his seat and rest his hands on the small of her back. But he doesn’t have that privilege, so all he can

“How does the fabric feel? Is it itchy?”

She nods. “A bit.”

“Thought so.” He hums, pensive, and then points behind her to the clothes hanging from the hanger. “Try the midnight blue dress. The velvet one with the spaghetti straps.”

So, she does and the sense of comfort that envelops her is almost instant. The fabric is smooth to the touch, meaning she could rub her palms over the expanse of her thigh in case the nerves got to her. It is enough, she thinks, to have an escape route even if it’s only in the way of zoning out. 

“Should I try another one?” She asks as she stands before him.

With a smile on his lips, Tooru shakes his head and rises to his feet. At his sides, his hands twitch, almost as if they wish to shed their skin.

“What do you think,” He says instead, “About putting an accessory around your waist?”

“Like a necklace you mean?” 

He nods enthusiastically. “Yeah, some kind of necklace to emphasize your waist.”

Y/n looks down at her feet and just shrugs.

“If you think so.”

Tooru’s hands itch all the more at her response, and before he knows it, the urge to touch her has won over his restraint.

“Now, on to the shoes.” The enthusiasm bleeds through every word as he takes her hands in his. “You’re a size 37, right? European size.”

She lets him lead the way and when the employee asks her which type of footwear she has in mind, she answers, “I don’t usually go for heels because I have horrible coordination so maybe something that will make me look taller that I can comfortably walk in.”

“Certainly, miss.” The employee waves out her arm. “This way, if you please.”

The employee graciously shows them three pairs of heels she thinks may be a good fit. Tooru takes it upon himself to help her put them on after thanking the woman for her service. The first pair, the color of midnight blue studded with crystals, turns out to be a tad uncomfortable given that the heel exceeds 4 inches in height.

“There.” He fixes the clasp of her left heel. “Are they a good fit?”

She nods, walking to and from the glass shelf a few meters from where they’d been sitting. The second pair has turned out differently, it seems. The heels are not above 3 inches and the backs of her feet don’t feel sore after walking in them.

“I like them.” She tells him once she stops in front of him.

She expects that to be the end of their shopping spree. But Tooru is nothing if not a man full of surprises.

“Now, I know you’re probably gonna freak out about this but hear me out.” He rushes the last part once he catches her wary glance. “Jewelry is absolutely fundamental for the look we’re going for, and you already said yes to the one around the waist. So, I think that a pair of earrings would look stunning on you.”

Y/n places the heels on the floor. “You’re overdoing this.”

“What do you mean?”

She looks up to see him tilt his head in confusion.

“You’re spending too much on me.” She clarifies while putting her socks back on. “You shouldn’t.”

He expects him to groan and whine but Tooru catches her off guard by taking a seat next to her and leaning in close.

“But it’s because I want to. I really, really do,” There it is, the whining. “So please let me.”

“Would you give up if I refused?”

He looks down at his hands, biting the inside of his cheek. “I don’t want to, though.”

Y/n doesn’t know why but she relents. He tells her that the earrings will be a surprise. Even after she tells him there can be no surprise when he’s already told her, he insists their exquisiteness will take her unawares. He pinky promises to catch her if she should faint at the sight of them.

July

The afternoon boils with chatter, sweltering heat, and the music blasting from Chiharu’s speakers. They’re at Kuroo’s vacation home, the size of which never fails to amaze Y/n. If she weren’t subconsciously reigning in her facial expresions, she’d be gawking, staring at the huge gate, the fountain before the stairs that led to the main door, the walls of the foyers lined with paintings of exorbitant value, the lush garden with it’s bizarrely trimmed bushes, and so much more of what Chiharu likes to call « rich people bullshit ». She says so right to Kuroo’s face too and he responds by headlocking her as the lot of them file into the house.

They’re halfway up the front steps when Y/n feels a hand on her shoulder, peeling off the straps of her sunset orange backpack. She looks up to find Rin staring at her as if to ask for cooperation.

« Let me help you. »

« It’s not that heavy. » She tells him. « I can carry it upstairs. »

His mouth twitches. « You’re can’t afford to lose 10 inches of height. Give it to me and stand up straight. »

« Your posture is worse. »

« Yeah, » He hooks his index under one of the straps. « But my height can afford it. »

Not wanting to seem weird, Y/n chooses to feel like a burden by letting the boy carry it up to her room, which is opposite hers on what is referred to by rich-boy-Kuroo as the western wing. You’d think it was a castle and not just a really big house. A gargantuan house.

Rin sets her backpack on the bed, carefully might I add. He knows how careful Y/n is about her possessions and doesn’t want to upset her.

After that, they take turns taking showers, Rin letting her go before him while Chiharu and Kuroo get into a shouting match about the towels. Kenma flees the scene with a roll of his eyes while Ayame tries and fails to get them to cool off. Rin ushers her into the bathroom before the quarreling duo have the chance to set their sights on her.

The shampoos smell nice, and they even have labels with their names on them No wonder Kuroo pestered them about their hair types before the trip was decided. His efforts have paid off because Y/n has rarely felt so relieved and clean before.

Maybe it had something to do with the environment as well. This is Kuroo’s house. They aren’t blood related. He does not remind her of home but in a way… she feels that this is what it must feel like. This is how children feel when they come home after a long day of classes. How she wishes the year was made of summers and summers only.

They join Kuroo’s parents, who are delighted to have them over for two weeks, for a light lunch. Y/n sits between Rin and Kenma and joins the rest in their laughter with smiles of her own before catching herself in the act and looking down at her reflection in the bowl of clear summer soup. She’s so embarrassed to have smiled and so anxious about anyone having noticed that she internally scrambles to find refuge in something. Anything that isn’t the joy of those at the table.

Rin reaches for the salt shaker and in the process, she catches a wiff of mint shampoo and the pine scent of his perfume. For a split second, she contemplates easing him down so she could brush her nose against his pulse and breathe him in. But then he’s sagging back into his chair and sprinkling salt onto his vegetables, baring his teeth in a grin as Kuroo cracks another joke. Y/n shakes her head lightly and swallows a spoonful of soup.

They spend the afternoon in their respective bedrooms, and Y/n is glad to see that the maids have turned on the air conditioner so that the room isn’t the equivalent of an oven by the time she gets back. Even the blinds are drawn so that the sun may not heat the carpet, bedding, or furniture. The 2-hour nap she gets is pure bliss.

Ayame wakes her up with a knock at her door, announcing that they are to go for a swim at the beach nearby in about 30 minutes. Y/n promises to join them and tries to remove the sleep from her face by spalshing some water on it, applying some cherry lipbalm, and braiding her hair in a loose crown around her head. She throws on a pair of olive green shorts and a white shirt above her two-piece sage green swimsuit, shoves her feet in a pair of white slippers, and then she’s out the door.

Rin throws his arm around her shoulders, says something she can scarcely hear, and keeps her at his side the entire walk. Y/n doesn’t mind. He smells so good after all, like a pine forest by the sea, and the scent reminds her of the green of his eyes.

Only, she feels warm where his knuckles brush against her own. The evening breeze and the seawater cool down every part of her but the spot that tingles.

She’s content with burying her feet in the sand and watching the rest of them play volleyball⸺ Kuroo and Ayame vs Rin and Chiharu⸺ while Kenma assumes the role of the referee at her side. At one point, Chiharu almost goes for Kuroo’s jugular and it’s only by the grace of Rin’s strength that she does not. The bickering idiots soon get distracted by the promise of the meal Mrs. Yukimiya, the housekeeper, had the maids pack for them beforehand. This way they can ravage the sandwiches instead of each other.

It is then that Rin comes to sit to her right, Kenma having left to nibble on a piece of watermelon.

« Wanna go for a swim? » He asks her.

Y/n tilts her head. « Again? »

« Is there a limit? »

So they head in, submerging before rising to the surface once again. He shakes his head before combing back his wet hair with his fingers and swiping that same hand down his face. His eyes settle on her chest.

« I think your top is loose. » Rin tells her, and her arms instinctively shoot up to shield herself. He cracks a small smile. « Turn around. I’ll tie it for you. »

As he does, her cheeks go aflame, as if it were possible to blush any harder.

« Don’t worry. » He utters, loud enough for her to hear him above the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. « I didn’t see anything. »

She sighs and, when she thinks he’s no longer listening, mutters, « Not like there’s much to see anyway. »

« You have nice tits. »

That single sentence stuns her and the coming wave almost sweeps her under. Luckily, Rin’s fingers wrap fiercely around her forearm, steadying her, and Y/n looks up at him through her wet lashes. He’s laughing but it doesn’t make her feel… small. She feels like joining him.

« I should do that more often. »  He says, splashing water over his toned torso. « It’s fun. »

Y/n follows his example, shivering as a particularly cool breeze sweeps over the beach.

« What is ? » She asks.

There’s a twinkle in his piercing green eyes as his hand comes up to cart through her wet hair. « Catching you off guard. »

As if to distract him from her flaming cheeks (the temperatures are not to blame by the way), Y/n splashes him and swims away. He’s hot on her heel, intent on catching up. Not that it takes long until he does. They swim away and toward the shore time and time again until their limbs tire and the only solutions are to either get out or float. So there they remain, backs to the seabed and faces to the darkening sky, until the edge of the horizon has swallowed the final remnants of the sun.

That night, they gorge on watermelons and lemonade. They’re almost bursting with it by the time Kuroo’s parents have turned in for the night, leaving the teenagers to enjoy the song of the crickets in the garden. The temperatures have significantly decreased and a pleasurable chill hangs in the summer night air.

Y/n is on her 5th glass of lemonade. It trickles down her chin. Before she can grab a napkin from the roll at the center of the table, Rin swipes his knuckles across her lips and chin, effectively doing the job. His attention is elsewhere as he licks off the residue. It’s almost as if the gesture is second nature.

The following two weeks can only be defined as bliss. An unprecedented era of peace in Y/n’s life. She’s surrounded by people who don’t hate her, and even seem to tolerate her. The days are filled with the summer heat, the conversations at dinner after Kuroo’s parents have bid them goodnight, smoking weed when no one is looking, lemonade, watermelons, movie marathons, volleyball and shouting matches, card games the rules of which Y/n can barely understand (it embarrasses her greatly), late night swimming in the outdoor pool, and quick trips by bike to the convenience store. Ayame sits behind Chiharu, Kenma behind Kuroo, and Y/n behind Rin.

« You’re gonna stretch out my shirt. » He says jokingly the first time she settles in the back, her fingers curled around the sides of his shirt. « Here, just warp your arms around me, okay. »  

At first, the proximity seems daunting. It isn’t just proximity after all. Her front is flush against his back, and Y/n fears that Rin will sense her heartbeats through the layers of cloth, flimsy as they may be, and find it pathetic that she feels dizzy because of human contact.

But these thoughts are short-lived. With her cheek pressed to his shoulder, arms around his middle, enveloped in the fresh sea-scented air, Kuroo’s and Chiharu’s hooting laughter, and the way Rin turns his head just the slightest to smile at her… there is no more reason to be ashamed of her rapidly beating heart. They are all on the same page.

She still tutors Rin in the gaps of time that they can’t fill with sleep but everyone else can. They sit smack in the middle of the living room with a fan turned on as she explains trigonometry to him, all while they munch on sandwiches and cantaloupes. Lemonade, of course, is not missing from the menu. At one point, while Rin is laboring to solve a problem and she takes a sip of her lemonade, a laugh escapes her that the boy does not fail to notice.

« What is it? » He asks with a smile on his lips. It’s the first time he’s heard her laugh at… seemingly nothing.

Though she stops laughing, a smile still plays on her lips. « The lemonade looks like you. »

« Like me? » Rin raises an eyebrow, twirling his pen. « How can I resemble a drink? »

Y/n sets down her drink, watches the outer walls of the glass sweat. 

« Your eyes. » She clarifies. « When you look at me it feels the same as when I grab a glass of cool lemonade and drink it. »

« You mean to say I am refreshing. » He teases.

She meets his smile with her own. « I do. »

Too lazy to go to their rooms, they fall asleep on the floor, the glasses of lemonade sweating on the table.

On the last night of their vacation, with his parents’ departure having taken place two days prior, Kuroo decides they need to go all out, and by that, he means they should go through his dad’s alcohol stash and steal some. Unsurprisingly, Chiharu fervently agrees, Kenma doesn’t give a shit, Ayame tells them to be careful, while Rin and Y/n take a bite out of the cold cherry pie.

That is not to say that when Kuroo and Chiharu succeed in their endeavor, the rest do not willingly participate in the debauchery. They drain up to six bottles altogether while singing along to the songs in Chiharu’s playlist. In a rare display of agreeableness, Chiharu and Kuroo shout the lyrics with their arms swung around each other’s shoulders while Ayame tries to blink away the coming sleep.

At one point, the rest of them head inside to cause some ruckus, leaving Rin and her to sit by the pool. You can still hear the music playing loud enough to keep Y/n’s neighbors back home awake. But she doesn’t want to think about that place. It’s nice to dip her toes in the cool water, in new experiences.

“Oh,” She lifts her head, looking in the direction of the house when a new song starts playing, « Depeche mode. »

Rin looks at her in silence for a few seconds, then rises to his feet.

« Let’s dance.” He says, hand outstretched.

Y/n takes it, and together they head to the garden, away from their friends’ prying eyes. The grass cushions their steps as they sway in each other’s arms, and the scent of the flowers envelops them in some feeling akin to excitement and tranquility. This moment, drunk on so sweet a scent, feels a little like falling in love.

“You smell nice,” Y/n mutters into his chest.

His hands travel up from her waist, settling between her shoulder blades. “You feel good.”

They cling to each other like sweat on your sweaty skin during the summer heat. It takes a chilly breeze to sever the embrace. Rin’s hands are still where they were before, fingers trailing up and down the ravine between her shoulders as his eyes photograph the sight of her in his arms.

“I bet kissing you would feel like a leap through time.” He says, smiling a little.

Y/n suddenly misses the cover of his chest. “Why?”

His eyebrows come together as a ponderous expression takes over his features. He seems to be trying to word his response.

“Because it’d be so brief.” He says with a teasing smile. “Hours would feel like a split second. And you’d become impossible to catch up with.”

For a second, her heart stutters in her chest. Her heartbeat becomes an irregular, spluttering thing. It takes all of her drunken courage to look him in the eye and respond to his teasing in kind.

“I’m gonna bet on something too.”

He raises an eyebrow, mouth slightly parted. “Yeah?”

“Bet it felt the same to kiss your cousin’s crush.”

He must not have expected her to bring that up (she’d seen him making out with a girl and later learned that it was indeed his cousin’s crush) because his ministrations on her shoulders come to a halt. Not for long though. He recovers at the speed of sound, his right hand coming up to cup her cheek. His thumb brushes back and forth over the flaming skin.

“You’ve lost the bet then.” He whispers, and somehow Y/n hears him over the music. “I win.”

She hears their breaths synchronize as he leans down, head angled. With her hand over his chest, she can make out the violent waltz of their heartbeats when his lips ghost over hers, the sliver of space between them begging to be consumed. She hears the wind passing through the garden as he leans forward and presses his lips on hers, tongue flicking at her bottom lip and she feels compelled to let him in. It is euphoric to be touched, and he touches her so kindly every time.

His hand, previously on her shoulder, slides down to her waist, pulling her closer as he deepens the kiss. In their state of drunkenness, it is amazing they haven’t tumbled to the floor by the time he releases her and they both come up for air.

The music has stopped. Their friends have settled in a quiet rhythm. Or perhaps they have fallen asleep on the couch.  

“See?” Rin whispers, slurring his words as he drags his thumb along her bottom lip. The flesh feels so soft and bruised under his touch. “Too brief.”

Y/n doesn’t know if smiling would be too weird. What matters is that she’s drunk so she doesn’t care about that. She looks up at him with eyes filled with wonder and a smile on her lips. It stays that way long after they’ve fallen asleep in each other’s arms beside their friends.

It is a tragedy that she remembers none of it when the morning creeps up with claws of gold and a promise of tearing them from this summer. Or the summer from them.

Don't even know if there are ppl still reading this fic lmfaooooo

But anyway i still remember some of the people that asked me to tag them. @invyou @kurookinnie @tuttumi the last one is my best friend she's obligated to read my shit you can't escape hoe

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Buck Angel

Published: Jul 21, 2023

A guest post by Buck Angel, which really should be in The New York Times—maybe they’ll republish it?

Every day, I’m called a new name. Sometimes it’s something obviously insulting, like bigot or transphobe. Sometimes it’s something more subtly designed to twist my knickers, like female. My critics assume this will wound me, because for the last 30 years, I have lived as a man. I medically transitioned at age 30, after what felt like a lifetime of struggle, and after many years of therapy and evaluation.

Transition saved my life. But being called female doesn’t hurt me, because while I changed my body, I’m well aware that I can’t change my sex. And even though I’ve felt since I was a young child that I would have preferred to be—and should have been—born male, I don’t believe that children should medically transition. I’m one of the oldest and most visible female-to-male transsexuals in the country, but because of my views, today’s trans activists not only don’t speak for me, they try to cancel me.

Let’s rewind. I grew up in the 60s and 70s, a time of tomboys, when I was one of several typically masculine girls in short hair and sports shorts, running wild. There wasn’t much difference between me and those other tomboy girls back then; I beat up the boys and earned their respect. For the most part, my parents let me dress and live as a boy. The few times I had to wear a dress for church were torture, but other than that I had an excellent childhood.

My parents assumed my tomboyism was a phase I’d outgrow, but at puberty, I became deeply uncomfortable with my female body, a condition I had no name for back then. I lived for many years as a butch lesbian, and was an internationally successful androgynous model. Sometimes I wore suits, but when they stuffed me into a dress, I would spiral.

Eventually, the disconnect between my body and my sense of myself became too great. Sad and lonely, I turned to drugs, became homeless, engaged in prostitution, lost most of my friends and family, and hit bottom.

Once I got sober, and got therapy, I also got clarity. I told the therapist I felt that I should be—no, that I was—a man, and, unlike everyone else I’d ever said this to, she said, “I hear you. I believe you.” She gave me a diagnosis of what was then called gender identity disorder, which didn’t feel like a stigma. It felt like a lightbulb going off, which allowed me to understand and accept myself. I had a mental condition. That’s why I experienced anguish. Our next task was to figure out how to treat it.

Gender clinics were hardly in existence then. She couldn’t just affirm me and send me off for drugs and surgery with a letter. We spent over a year exploring the source of my distress and what it meant to be or live as a man or woman. She dug deep, she pushed back. And eventually, together, we decided that the potential benefits of transition were worth the risks. I had already passed the “real life” test. Now I went in search of medical treatments.

We filled out an inch-thick pile of paperwork for a program at Stanford, and never even received a reply. Eventually, we found an endocrinologist who explained to me that if I took testosterone, it would be experimental. But by that time, after 25 years of navigating the world as a differently-gendered person and more than a year of intensive psychological evaluation, I was ready.  

I did something even more radical than transitioning once my body changed: I became an adult film star, a man without male parts, making space for nonconforming bodies, raising awareness and increasing body positivity for trans people. Some of my lesbian friends called me a traitor, and haters sometimes called me a tranny, but for the most part, I found acceptance and joy. Until about five years ago, I was happily living as a transsexual, or, as I call it, “a man with a female past.”

Then several things started to change. The word transsexual—a person of one sex who changes their body to appear more like the other—was eclipsed by the word “transgender,” an umbrella term that included everyone from tomboys gently rejecting stereotypes to trans women who’d had penectomies, plus myriad gender identities that seemed to have no locatable meaning. The idea that people could actually change sex, that sex was mutable or unreal, took hold in society, especially with young people.

Then, as some clinicians, including trans women, have admitted, a rash of teen girls started to declare themselves trans and transition; some said they’d had no mental health treatments before doing so. Then I started to hear about and from detransitioners, who’d taken cross-sex hormones or had breast or genital surgeries, not to cure some kind of organic dysphoria but because they’d been taught that if they felt uncomfortable with themselves or their bodies, maybe they needed to change them to match their brains. One study of detransitioners showed 55 percent felt they weren’t properly evaluated.

When it comes to gender dysphoria, talk therapy is more important than anything else. In fact, several European countries are now insisting that therapy is the primary treatment for it, with medical interventions under strict regulation. Physical transition is hard both on your body and mind; I should know. You have to make sure this is the right path for you by working with a therapist who will push back and question and explore the source of your desire to change. Dysphoria is in the brain. If you’re skipping over the brain and going straight to the body, you’re not helping trans people.

People accuse me of climbing the ladder and pulling it up behind me, transitioning and then trying to stop other people from doing so. That’s not my goal at all. I transitioned at age 30 and never looked back or felt I’d made a mistake, and I welcome adults who can adequately weigh the risks and benefits of transition to join me. But I never could have been sure without the struggle I navigated, without my brain growing mature enough to decide. Every choice I made was in adulthood.

One reason I’m so adamant about not medically transitioning children is that those tomboy girls I played with growing up, who were just like me back then, didn’t turn out like me. Some are gay women. Some are straight. Some feminized during or after puberty. Some stayed masculine. Childhood gender nonconformity or even gender dysphoria aren’t indications of any one adulthood. We can’t just slap the label trans on a kid who’s differently gendered and assume we know what path that kid should take for the rest of their life. In fact, several studies show that the vast majority of kids who are gender dysphoric in childhood resolve their distress by the end of puberty, and a majority of those grow up to be same-sex attracted.  

Instead of focusing on identity, we should be focusing on the rigid gender stereotypes kids are absorbing every day. Give them the room I had to be masculine or feminine without presuming what it means about their futures. For suggesting these ideas, my own so-called LGBT+ “community” attacks me, tries to silence and intimidate me, accuses me of condemning children to a lifetime of suffering. But that’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying it may be hard to live in their bodies, but it’s important that they try, because we don’t know how to forecast the future from their current struggle, but we know it’s important that they learn to navigate and overcome hardship.

Myself, I’m glad for my many years of struggling. Struggle made me strong. Now the struggle is so different. It’s a struggle to tell an inconvenient truth in a world that thinks truth is transphobic. It’s a struggle to keep my business going amid #cancelbuckangel hashtags. It’s a struggle to feel part of a community that would oust a pioneering elder for wrongthink.

I’ve already been through so much, and I can handle it. But I don’t think suppressing knowledge, dissent and discussion is going to create more space for kids struggling today. I think those kids are best served by having time and space to understand themselves, and not rush—or be rushed—to make decisions about who they are going to be.